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If you imagine (actually, many of you don’t even need to do this as you’re living it) that you’re in a relationship/dating a man that appears to be dragging his feet. It could be that you’ve been together for for a few months, a year, or even a few years but you know that he’s ‘trying to figure things out’. For some he’s trying to figure out if he’s even that interested. For others, he’s trying to figure out if he wants to be exclusive. For others, he’s saying that he likes/loves you, but he’s contradicting that with his actions and stalling on committing.
Maybe he’s got a wife he needs to make the move to finalise a divorce with.
Maybe he keeps doing the whole ‘That One Time in Bandcamp’ thing where he keeps bringing up that time when he got hurt or the same old story about some woman that disappointed him.
Maybe he’s straight up saying he’s not sure.
Maybe he says he waiting to feel ready.
Whatever it is that he’s saying, there is a difference between you and him.
You’ve made a decision about him and decided to stick around in spite of the fact that he hasn’t got both feet in the relationship.
In fact, you’re waiting for him to make a decision about you, when you’ve already made a decision about him! Does that even make sense?
How horrible is it to be around someone who isn’t sure that they want to be with you when you have your heart and mind so set on him?
It’s a blow to your self-esteem and all the patience and compassion in the world can’t disguise the gnawing sensation of feeling vaguely humiliated and definitely rejected.
The thing is, it’s not that hard for someone to decide if they want to be with you and if they want to be in the relationship – we’ve just convinced ourselves that it is because it makes it more palatable as if it’s a prerequisite for love that you’ve got to cut your teeth being in pain.
Deep down, we know when someone actually wants to be around us and deep down, we also know when we truly feel good, and when someone truly loves and cares about us.
When a man ends the relationship with you and you cling to the relationship trying to win him back or obsessing about why he’s gone and why you love him so, this is a signal that something is very wrong because he has opted out and decided that you and whatever you both have is not worth trying for. This is a sign that come hell or high water, you need to drop the illusion and get real because you want someone that no longer wants you.
This is the same as when you’re with someone who can’t bring themselves to put both of their feet in the relationship and instead keeps a foot out, or just a toe in and makes it clear either through words or his actions that he is not on board. Instead of fighting for his attention, trying to prove yourself, trying to win, the fact that he is himming and hawing about you should be a serious indicator that something is wrong and that you need to step back, get real, and be careful of projecting what you think, feel, and believe on to him because clearly, you’re not on the same page.
And remember – when this continues over an extended period of time, it isn’t that he hasn’t made a decision; it’s that he’s using his indecision to mask the fact that he has made a decision, he just doesn’t want to clue you in on it. After all, better to hedge your bets than to do the decent thing…
Your thoughts?
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this is the first article i saw that i could actually relate my experience with one guy with. we were ‘dating’ for a while. but there was definitely a wrong vibe going on. he was sending me mixed signals. hot and cold. and to think I put up with it for a while even when I was never really that comfortable with him to begin with.
i finally decided to stop making excuses for his behavior. he gave the impression that he was busy with other things but I knew that he just wasn’t that into me. i stopped replying to his messages and when he still kept on bugging me i just told him flat out to not ask me out anymore cause it was confusing. end of story.
The one I now call “The Player”, the most recent one, blew very hot and cold with me too from the start, noththatintome. Just like you, I found his mixed messages made me feel uncomfortable and reluctant to readily commit so deeply, as I had with the others.
It helped that the last one I’d been involved with had been and outright, raging, threatening (either) Malignant Narcissist or downright Psychopath – and there was the first time ever in my life I told myself, “No more! If this is what I get, I’d rather be alone!”.
And so I intended to be… til along came The Player. Now I can see his pattern and hear his pat as clear as day – especially as he plays it out on others right in front of me, lol.
But the mental decision I’d made after the previous horror experience seems to have stood me in good stead. I’m not a great believer in “dreams”, etc., although I fully accept that for some they can be very useful and informative. Mine, though are normally weird and jumbled snippets about nothing much.
However, while The Player was drawing me in, I had a dream about swimming in a pool of liquid gold and being called to put my head under, to get fully into it and totally submerge. As lovely as it was in the pool of gold, I completely resisted the urge to put my head under; and as the calls to submerge became more insistent and promised me “no harm would come to me and I’d still be able to breathe”, I decided I would never put my head into it… and I got our completely rather than be tempted to.
A couple of days later, I’d become so fed up of waiting to hear from him that I sent him an email saying, “If this is to go anywhere I would have to have more contact more often – not just one or two lines of text a day – and I’d want to know more about the real you too”.
He snapped an email back, “There is no more time; I’m giving you all the effort I can spare right now; and, although it might have been different a while ago and might well be in the future, right now you are no priority of any kind at all”.
I was just about to write back… and then I thought, “Why? What for?”, and I let it go.
That was almost 3 months ago and I decided to follow up on why I draw this kind of relationship into my life and see where and how I am responsible. Which led me here!
Much better and more productive than sitting around waiting for him to decide on what happens next, how and when.
When I think back on it, it started with his claim that he’s in “an empty relationship with a woman who is a great friend, so he doesn’t want to hurt her; but who hasn’t slept with him for 18 months/two years; which he might have settled for until I came along and reopened blah blah blah”… you know the b/s that’s involved.
Well, he’s since had a heart attack and surgery to keep him going, and the “gal pal” he lives with has had to do all the nursing and nurturing instead of me. I thought he might appreciate her better because of that, but nope! Now he can move, he’s back at the Game again. And this was a man I tried to make myself believe could be The One, lol?
What was I up to I wonder? Luckily, I’ve found this site now so I can really start to figure that out for the first time ever.
Best Regards, Leonine
Ladies,
I am not one to give an “ego stroke” to any undeserving a**hole, but if marriage is what you want, why is it up to the man to do the asking? I thought we lived in a world where a marriage proposal could come from either side. Oh, I know, going back to our childhood of our “Knight in Shining Armor” syndrome. Sorry, if I want to marry someone, by golly, I’ll ask him. And if he says “no”, well, bye, bye!
Very nice. Was so interesting to read and learn from you guys. Thank you so much for your time and info.
Once again, the topic is right on,ladies! We need to take back our power, forgive and love ourselves!
I ,too, am struggling, heartbroken over someone who cannot decide , commit, express emotions or communicate effectivley. It is painful and downright insulting to have a relationship w/ someone who is in constant retreat who claims to be unsure of how they feel about you after 6 months !? Saywhat? How can you not know? This assclown is in his 40s and I guess he thinks he’s something really special…who(women???), I ask , blows smoke up these guys asses so much that they can believe they are just fine and can lasoo women in and then distance themselves, keeping them hanging on so they get everything on thier terms??!!! Is it 1956 ? Is it really “a mans’(man-boys’ !)world?!? Say it isn’t so!
I’m just going through withdraw…he kept me connected through text/email(daily) and a couple calls per week… and we saw each other in -person weekly.
Every time we got close he got his period and withdrew or we had a “talk” where he would really hurt me.I felt like these “abort missions” were too painful and after the 3rd(3 strikes and your out, buddy!) I withdrew and haven’t made contact in a month. I pray that god takes out the garbage and that I can move on and attract someone who is worthy of what I have to offer! Good luck, be strong, beautiful and deserving women that I know you all are!
Jayne,
I am not sure what you expected. Few today set out to find a suitable spouse candidate. If you wait to feel that “zing” – you are letting your hormones pick a sex partner, not your head to evaluate the suitability of someone that would be responsible, if sharing your life with you.
Don’t wait for “god to take out the garbage”. Learn to enjoy living outside the dump. There truly are good communities and good people, people that respect and honor character and discipline. That understand responsibility and honesty.
It is interesting that you wait for him to commit. Did you really and truly find him well suited to be the guy you share the rest of your life with – or was he acceptable (mostly) and suitable (kind of)? It seems as if he demonstrated a horrible streak of “undependable”. That is fundamental, and won’t change just because he decides to “commit”. Simple respect for yourself should have told you that what he wanted doesn’t matter – you cannot use him in your life. NML has written some really great material on self esteem, and especially boundaries, that help set the scene to identify the good guys, and kick the bums out soonest.
Luck.
Brad K.´s last blog ..br: The practice doll
I am in love with a married man(i am married to) we have met 3 times since Feb 2009 and would love to be together.
We have been talking since November 2008–then finally met in Feb 2009 for 6 fabulous days.
He lives in England and I live in Canada. I have two children -13 and 9 and he had two children 19(boy) and 16 (girl) He says he just can’t leave his daughter right now-it would be tough to leave wife after 20 years of marriage -he says–but its the daughter that really hurts.
We have a love that seems so grande–how do i leave my kids for him being so young–and how does he leave–says he can’t right now his daughter who is just starting her grade 11. a lot of things i read hear are about excuses with married men–but he does live in another country. Am if foolish to wait for a more appropriate time -its not like he can separate and still see her in the next town every day or when she needs him. Please i need your advise.
Rebecca,
Sorry, I cannot help but notice two things that seem stark and obvious. One is that you cannot have the attention or affection for another, nor he for you, without violating your vows, without immense failures of character.
And without character, there is no hope that your feelings are truly love, nor that he would be a dependable mate if you did come together.
People don’t change. If he won’t hold to his marriage, how can you ever believe he will hold to you? If he couldn’t pick a life-long mate the first time – what makes you think he has acquired that skill since then, and that taking up with you will have anything but a horrid ending? And, of course, I have the same question of you, how can you believe that you are picking more wisely today, from within a sworn marriage, than you did before?
Taking up with a married person is one of the definitions of being emotionally unavailable. Rather than being in love, your affection and attention cloak what you are denying – that he is safe, he is unavailable.
You might wish your new guy well, and turn your attention to why you would jeopardize your children’s relationship with their father, or your vows to have to and to hold. You might want to understand why you would take up with someone that isn’t available, safe to play with.
I assume you are unhappy with your marriage, or you would not have fooled around. But there is that doubt, too. If you are unhappy with your marriage – why are you still married? If you are to respect yourself and others, if you were to demonstrate honor and honesty in your life for your children, then ending your marriage would have come first, long before you would have let another catch your attention. Instead you are indulging in feelings and fantasies, and denying the weight of the impact that your actions have on those around you.
The issue is not about how you or he should bear to leave your children for the other. The issue is more about whether you dare risk the morally weak partner that would cheat on their marriage.
Don’t get me wrong – he doesn’t really want a shared life with you. He also chose to mess around with an unavailable person, a fallback girl. NML’s book Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl gives a lot of background, and different perspectives, on how this kind of arrangement is a sign of weakness and problems.
Luck.
I was with my ex-fiance for five years, and while I had the ring I never had the commitment. I met him when I was 38, and fell for him immediately. He was great the first year, and then poof – a different man. I found out why recently when a woman named Candy called me to tell me he was also engaged to her, and had been with her for a year. I had been wondering all along why why his actions did not macth his words. I got the message loud and clear. Problem is now I feel old and unattractive because I am concentrating on how he treated me. I know that is not healthy, and need to work on me. Getting to that point seems to be a process. These posts are helping so thank you!
The person I was seeing lost his job and everything was going fine but then he started seeing other women. At first I thought it was just to stroke his ego, but then I realized that he was actually dating one of them. I told him to make a decision to either piss or get off the pot, shortly afterwards he told me that he needed to focus on getting his life together because he was one step from being homeless if he didn’t find a job. He told me all the things he wanted to do but couldn’t because of his lack of money. Well he told me he was taking a break to work on himself that it had nothing to do with me, I was great, that we would see each other in the near future.
LT,
Wow, kinda sounds like my ex. Mine also said that it had nothing to do with me but that he had to get his employment situation worked out, then we would have a future. Funny, I heard he found a position some time back but he forgot to call and work at reestablishing the relationship. (LOL)
I think they throw the “future” in there so that you will continue to hang on. Sick!!!
Does he happen to live in N.J?
It’s funny how they don’t have any money to be in a loving stable relationship but are capable of seeing their friends or other women.
I think at 40 I have just figured out that EUM’s is all I have ever gone for. Every single one. I have lived my whole life thinking, “If I just loved them a little more, surely they will see how wonderful I am!” I have fixed wounded men, paid for things I shouldn’t have, given out compliments when they weren’t warranted and loved a dream.
I just broke up with my recent EUM of two years. I was particularly proud of figuring this one out. If I had this site a little sooner….maybe not…but every time I got away from an EUM it was my decision. Never his. And yet it hurts just the same. And I understand it is this retarded dream I have to be with a man that can never be with me. So this last time, I told him no more, that I knew he would never commit to me entirely, that he wouldn’t move to be closer and that he would never get married. He tried to “rehash the relationship” thinking I needed it to move on. I laughed and said “it wouldn’t do any good or change anything” – including him.
So I am now working on not being the fixer. The person who finds the wounded guy and makes everything all better.
When I start to feel crappy – I read this site and I feel better about my decisions. Also, I need to listen to that inner voice (I like to call her my big sister) telling me to “bail” a whole lot sooner.
Its been 4 months now of no contact with my “ex”. I’m still looking back and trying to figure out what happened with the entire situation. He was just throwing crumbs at me the entire time and I was trying to figure out what they meant. It was all so confusing. I feel really good about just walking away from the situation, not going back to the place I know he will be at.
But, I still have questions about him, like what was the point? If it was just for an ego stroke or sex, that is very small and petty. Was this kind of thing just an isolated event or does he have a pattern of this kind of thing? I feel like I’ve learned alot from this experiece and this website has been great. I find that other people don’t understand what its like to be caught up in this kind of thing.
In the mean time I have been keeping busy with family and friends, and hoping someday I will meet someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I’ve had some great loving relationships in the past and I know I will have again.
I think Kim has it right, listen to that inner voice, get out quickly if it feels wrong, or it will only get worse. My inner voice was screaming at me, but I turned down the volume. Won’t happen next time!
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