In another excerpt from new ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I explain the assuming that keeps a Yo-Yo Girl (YYG) in her boomerang relationship with her ‘bad penny’ Mr Unavailable. This excerpt is from the chapter on The Yo-Yo Girl, from the section, You’re thinking ‘We’re back together!’, he’s thinking ‘We’re hooking up…’
The biggest question that YYG’s ask themselves is ‘Why does he keep coming back?’ and it’s simply because he can. That…and he’s the original Dog In a Manger – He don’t want you but he doesn’t want you to move onto someone else who might actually want you and prevent him from being able to have the easy access that he currently has back into your life. In order for Mr Unavailable’s to indulge in this boomerang behaviour, there has to be a facilitating YYG. In fact, Mr Unavailable’s would not be able to exist and continue with their behaviour if there weren’t Fallback Girl’s ready and waiting to co-manage this dysfunctional partnering.
But as a YYG a particular problem presents itself because other Fallback Girl’s meet a Mr Unavailable, have the usual roll call of issues, break up, and move onto a new Mr Unavailable. With you, you keep bouncing back and forth between the same Mr Unavailable’s because they keep turning up and you keep letting them back in.
You start believing that the reason why he keeps returning is because he recognises that there is more to you and this relationship than he realised.
In your mind you think “Bingo! I knew he’d come round to my way of thinking!” and in his mind he thinks “Ah..that Susan’s good fun. We had some good times together. I wonder how she is… We should meet up. I’m sure she realises now that I’m not the settling down kind so it’ll be easier this time.”
Much like with all interactions with Mr Unavailable’s, whilst they are very good at controlling the pace of things and what you get out of the relationship, you set the tone. He can only get away with as much as you’re prepared to let him get away with.
Mr Unavailable could call you up and suggest you meet up and you could turn him down. You just don’t.
Mr Unavailable could start blowing hot, offer to take you out and end up in your bed, but you don’t actually have to let him.
All it actually takes is for you to repeatedly turn down his offers of ‘reconnecting’, stop slipping him the sex, and basically cut the contact…but you don’t. After a while he learns the pattern with you and behaves accordingly.
My Mr Unavailable drives me insane. It’s like he only really wants me when he thinks that being with me again is in serious jeopardy. He’s so intense and full on then and showers me with attention. It took a long time to realise though that there was a pattern to us getting back together. I’ll tell him to get lost, he’d beg and plead, I’d stand firm, he’d leave, I wouldn’t hear from him for a day or two, then he’d call to see how I am, soon it wasn’t long before he’d turn up on my doorstep for a ‘chat’, he’d give it the big talk and say he wanted things to work, I’d take him back, and so it would start all over again till next time. I feel like I’m wasting the best years of my life and it’s bloody exhausting. Yes, I’m still doing it…
Karen, 36, via email counselling
It often feels like these guys have an in-built homing device that senses when it’s just the right moment to call and whilst I don’t disagree that men do seem to have a nose for these things, there are some things that send the signal….
You respond when he makes contact with you – This sends the sign that even though you might be a little pissed off with him, you’re not so pissed off that you’re ignoring him, which he also reads as your potential interest in him. He will either blow hot to draw you back in so that you reconnect…albeit temporarily or for some of the colder bastard variety, just responding is enough to make them feel better and they disappear again.
You don’t respond when he makes contact with you – He reads this a sign that you may be getting over him or heaven forbid, you’ve met someone else. This is an indicator to up the contact and start blowing hot to win your attention.
You drop whatever or whomever you’re doing to meet up with him or get back together – This sends the sign that you’re still hooked and that he can have you. You tend to read his reconnecting with you as a sign that you’re getting back together whereas he sees it as the two of you being a bit nostalgic and hooking up.
You tell him that you’re over him, you’re not taken in by him any longer, and that you’re just with him for fun – He reads this as a challenge to prove you wrong after all his ego can’t cope with the possibility of you not being interested. From the moment you’re entertaining him, he reads this as a signal that you are actually interested.
You tell him you’re fine with being friends – He reads this as an open invitation to keep in contact, nose around in your business, and keep an eye on whether you’re moving on. When you treat him like a friend, he challenges the boundaries to see if it’s really the case because being platonic would mean you were over him, hence it’s time to strike.
You’ve improved your appearance, appear busy, and are independent – Another sign that you may be moving on and seeking out pastures new.
You’re an ego massage for him. If they haven’t got in touch with you because their homing device senses that you may have moved on, they can also get in touch because they may have experienced something that has put a dent in their ego and returning to you makes them feel better and inadvertently reinvigorates their confidence that they’re still as great as they think they are. Maybe they’re being rebuffed by other women. Maybe it’s taking longer to pull his new target. Maybe he’s not so busy at work or with his social life and suddenly feels at a loose end. Maybe he sees that yet another friend has got a girlfriend or has taken the plunge and got married and it challenges his fear of getting close to a woman and being committed. Whatever it is, it’s enough to galvanise him into making contact and you read this as his welcome return. They stick around till they’ve got their narcissistic fill or they suddenly realise that they don’t actually want to be anything more than they’ve ever been with you.
By you reading his reconnection as a sign that things are stepping up a notch between the two of you, the expectations that result of this whether they are communicated or not, put things back in perspective for him.
When he steps back and disappears again, it’s because he is redressing the balance and bringing your expectations back down to a manageable level, i.e. just enough to ensure that should he choose to come back, you’ll let him back into your life. He is maintaining the status quo, again.
I cannot emphasise it enough that when he’s retreating it’s because he doesn’t want to be around so much that you might need or expect something, and he doesn’t want to be responsible.
He really is that Dog in a Manger, toying with you like a Yo-Yo, stringing you along, hogging the manger to keep other men at bay and stop you from making a move, but sniffing around outside the manger because he doesn’t really want you. But he does need to ensure that should he ever decide that he wants you, albeit temporarily, you will take him.
Your thoughts?
This excerpt is taken from the chapter The Other Woman from my new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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Hi,
this is a very welcoming page to me since I was on the verge of becoming a yo-yo girl a few days ago.
I was seeing this EUM for a couple of months which is not a long time but it was really intense and also the first time I dealt with a EUM. This guy really confused me blowing hot and cold, standing me up, acting totally uninterested in me, turning my boundaries into “not caring” for him. For example, when I politely asked if he could pay a little more attention to our conversation instead of to the TV he replied that I should be happy that he is able to enjoy himself with a TVshow. (??) Never called when he said he would, instead sending some lame text. He never even appologized for standing me up but only said that it made HIM feel bad that he behaved this way.
As people said above, he displayed a total lack of empathy.
It really ate away at my selfesteem as I kept breaking my boundaries for him. In the end I couldn´t take it anymore, I felt like a nervous wreck all the time waiting for a few crumbs to be thrown my way.
When I told him this he clearly stated that he wants a family and kids and he couldn´t see that happening with me, I didn´t have what it takes to be his wife and the mother of his children.
So he is an EUM who clouds his EUMness by saing he really wants a family and happily ever after. That hurt like hell. I´d rather have him tell me that he didn´t want a family to begin with.
Well, anyhow, I started reading here and felt like a blind man who suddenly saw light. It´s not me! It´s him! And I realized for the first time that my whole famil, especially my father and brother are EUMs ass well. So I have made some changes in those relationships as well. And am working hard trying to figure out what my selfesteem issues are and laying down some boundaries.
I had no contact with my EUM for 8 weeks but now he started texting me. First just a few ” how are yous” and after 3 of those I replied that I don´t want him in my life. He then send email hat he really wants to talk to me in person to explain things and that he has a lot of feelings for me (what does that mean?).
So here I am, in the middle of a difficult struggle with myself and the relationships I have with almost everyone in my life and all I can think is “does he mean it? Has he changed?”
I thought about it for a few days and realized that I mostly want him to have changed so that I can say to myself that I don´t have issues with selfesteem, that I wasn´t wrong, I don´t have to change myself and see my family for what it is, that this website is wrong and this was all a bad joke.
But I am no fool.I resent the fact that I have more issues than I thought I had and that I have to put a lot of effort in. But I can´t deny that voice inside me no more. Eventhough somewhere in my head I just want the easy way out and a fairy tail ending my whole body screams that he is not to be trusted and I´ll only end up hurt again. So I cut all contact again and deleted his number and blocked his email.
I can´t go blind again after having seen.
@ Sara, YES you should be creeped out by him admiring little girls. If you are not the victim of childabuse yourself (which in all honesty could cloud your judgement) you can be damn sure that your allarmbells don´t go off for no reason. Ask yourself, would you have children with this man? Would you trust him alone with your daughter?
If not, what kind of a future or family life do you see with this man? Wether he is really a perv or not, if you don´t trust him that is enough not to proceed.
It’s been a painful, long and difficult process trying to make sense of the past several months of my life.
All the info on this website has been such a godsend for me. It is helping me learn about and understand exactly what type of relationship it is that i have been in. I am working on accepting the reality of that. Reading this article “why you will always be the yo-yo girl if you don’t maintain the No Contact Rule” has further opened my eyes. to my behavior and his. Now, I understand that my behavior is “Yo-Yo Girl” and he is behavior is the “Dog in the manger”. I am have been cutting back on contact little by little for months. I no longer see him anymore(finally-yes!) but I do still respond at times to him contacting me. I’ve had the most difficult time just cutting off all contact but I am hoping that the more I learn and accept that that’s what needs to be done to be fully clear of this that I WILL do it.
ohhhh MY GOD i have been a yo yo fallback girl for 11 years, it was like torture, i let him break all my boundaries, i could not understand what was happening to me, i has so much self respect and confidence before, i let him into my life, but i think it had a lot to do with my x husband too thats another story, i even had many marriage proposals from men that i met just through work as for im very involved in the community, but i had to have this man, i had to make him say i love you and happy ever after, after reading this site i really understand a lot more about myself and what we had which was my illusion, a painful illusion that im finally over
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