In another excerpt from new ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I explain the assuming that keeps a Yo-Yo Girl (YYG) in her boomerang relationship with her ‘bad penny’ Mr Unavailable. This excerpt is from the chapter on The Yo-Yo Girl, from the section, You’re thinking ‘We’re back together!’, he’s thinking ‘We’re hooking up…’
The biggest question that YYGs ask themselves is ‘Why does he keep coming back?’ and it’s simply because he can. That ¦and he’s the original Dog In a Manger ‘ He don’t want you but he doesn’t want you to move onto someone else who might actually want you and prevent him from being able to have the easy access that he currently has back into your life. In order for Mr Unavailable’s to indulge in this boomerang behaviour, there has to be a facilitating YYG. In fact, Mr Unavailables would not be able to exist and continue with their behaviour if there weren’t Fallback Girl’s ready and waiting to co-manage this dysfunctional partnering.
But as a YYG a particular problem presents itself because other Fallback Girl’s meet a Mr Unavailable, have the usual roll call of issues, break up, and move onto a new Mr Unavailable. With you, you keep bouncing back and forth between the same Mr Unavailable’s because they keep turning up and you keep letting them back in.
You start believing that the reason why he keeps returning is because he recognises that there is more to you and this relationship than he realised.
In your mind you think ‘Bingo! I knew he’d come round to my way of thinking!’ and in his mind he thinks ‘Ah..that Susan’s good fun. We had some good times together. I wonder how she is ‘We should meet up. I’m sure she realises now that I’m not the settling down kind so it’ll be easier this time.
Much like with all interactions with Mr Unavailable’s, whilst they are very good at controlling the pace of things and what you get out of the relationship, you set the tone. He can only get away with as much as you’re prepared to let him get away with.
Mr Unavailable could call you up and suggest you meet up and you could turn him down. You just don’t.
Mr Unavailable could start blowing hot, offer to take you out and end up in your bed, but you don’t actually have to let him.
All it actually takes is for you to repeatedly turn down his offers of ‘reconnecting’, stop slipping him the sex, and basically cut the contact but you don’t. After a while he learns the pattern with you and behaves accordingly.
My Mr Unavailable drives me insane. It’s like he only really wants me when he thinks that being with me again is in serious jeopardy. He’s so intense and full on then and showers me with attention. It took a long time to realise though that there was a pattern to us getting back together. I’ll tell him to get lost, he’d beg and plead, I’d stand firm, he’d leave, I wouldn’t hear from him for a day or two, then he’d call to see how I am, soon it wasn’t long before he’d turn up on my doorstep for a ‘chat’, he’d give it the big talk and say he wanted things to work, I’d take him back, and so it would start all over again till next time. I feel like I’m wasting the best years of my life and it’s bloody exhausting. Yes, I’m still doing it. Karen, 36, via email
It often feels like these guys have an in-built homing device that senses when it’s just the right moment to call and whilst I don’t disagree that men do seem to have a nose for these things, there are some things that send the signal.
You respond when he makes contact with you – This sends the sign that even though you might be a little pissed off with him, you’re not so pissed off that you’re ignoring him, which he also reads as your potential interest in him. He will either blow hot to draw you back in so that you reconnect, albeit temporarily or for some of the colder bastard variety, just responding is enough to make them feel better and they disappear again.
You don’t respond when he makes contact with you ‘ He reads this a sign that you may be getting over him or heaven forbid, you’ve met someone else. This is an indicator to up the contact and start blowing hot to win your attention.
You drop whatever or whomever you’re doing to meet up with him or get back together – This sends the sign that you’re still hooked and that he can have you. You tend to read his reconnecting with you as a sign that you’re getting back together whereas he sees it as the two of you being a bit nostalgic and hooking up.
You tell him that you’re over him, you’re not taken in by him any longer, and that you’re just with him for fun - He reads this as a challenge to prove you wrong after all his ego can’t cope with the possibility of you not being interested. From the moment you’re entertaining him, he reads this as a signal that you are actually interested.
You tell him you’re fine with being friends – He reads this as an open invitation to keep in contact, nose around in your business, and keep an eye on whether you’re moving on. When you treat him like a friend, he challenges the boundaries to see if it’s really the case because being platonic would mean you were over him, hence it’s time to strike.
You’ve improved your appearance, appear busy, and are independent - Another sign that you may be moving on and seeking out pastures new.
You’re an ego massage for him. – If they haven’t got in touch with you because their homing device senses that you may have moved on, they can also get in touch because they may have experienced something that has put a dent in their ego and returning to you makes them feel better and inadvertently reinvigorates their confidence that they’re still as great as they think they are. Maybe they’re being rebuffed by other women. Maybe it’s taking longer to pull his new target. Maybe he’s not so busy at work or with his social life and suddenly feels at a loose end. Maybe he sees that yet another friend has got a girlfriend or has taken the plunge and got married and it challenges his fear of getting close to a woman and being committed. Whatever it is, it’s enough to galvanise him into making contact and you read this as his welcome return. They stick around till they’ve got their narcissistic fill or they suddenly realise that they don’t actually want to be anything more than they’ve ever been with you.
By you reading his reconnection as a sign that things are stepping up a notch between the two of you, the expectations that result of this whether they are communicated or not, put things back in perspective for him.
When he steps back and disappears again, it’s because he is redressing the balance and bringing your expectations back down to a manageable level, i.e. just enough to ensure that should he choose to come back, you’ll let him back into your life. He is maintaining the status quo, again.
I cannot emphasise it enough that when he’s retreating it’s because he doesn’t want to be around so much that you might need or expect something, and he doesn’t want to be responsible.
He really is that Dog in a Manger, toying with you like a Yo-Yo, stringing you along, hogging the manger to keep other men at bay and stop you from making a move, but sniffing around outside the manger because he doesn’t really want you. But he does need to ensure that should he ever decide that he wants you, albeit temporarily, you will take him.
Your thoughts?
This excerpt is taken from the chapter The Other Woman from my new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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Hello all! I’ve been reading your posts and I’m so relieved that I’m not the only one going through this type of situation. However….I think I’m the first gay guy to post.
So I’ve been seeing this guy now for over eight months and I know that from the start he was a total EUM! We just broke things off because of the fact that he said he has done a lot thinking and wants to get back and work on his relationship with his ex. OUCH!!! But get this…….This whole time that I’ve been seeing him….he has been living with ex the whole time. When we first dated he mentioned that he and his ex bought a house together and that they were trying to figure out what they were going to do. He told me in the mean time that he was living with his grandparents. Yeah BS until I found out that they were still living together! When I contronted him about this….he just simply said I’m sorry I ment to tell you a long time ago, I just didn’t think that you would understand. Yeah understand the fact you still live with your ex under the same roof and the whole time you have sleeping and seeing me! This answers my question as to why he never invited me over nor spent the night at my house ever!!
He told me that I have a lot to offer, and that if the timing was perfect he would totally have been happy with me instead of his BF. If I have a lot to offer than why is he not with me??? He tells me that he’s gotta see where this takes him now! He said that when he met me that he had totally shut the door on him and his BF but now little by little that door is beginning to open. He says he just has to see if there is still a chance that they will be happy. Okay…..but even though you got back with your BF why are we still sleeping together?? I didn’t mention the fact that were both 27 and his BF is 35. I’ve made the effort to hang out with all his friends and have gotten to really know them, and I still hang out with them. When I asked his friends about his BF they said that he hardly hangs out with them and they really don’t know him that well. They said they have spent more time with me than they have ever with his BF. Does that sound weird or what? They say when he is with me he is really happy! Well if he’s happy than why is he not with me?? They told me M is very materialistic and he likes traveling and going to all these places, and well his BF meets those needs. So basically he’s a sugar daddy! I can’t believe that he chose his happiness over trips and nice things. That’s what totally bugs me the most! Well I doing the NC thing, LOL well it’s easy for me I guess cause he is currently in Cancun with his boyfriend. Come to think of it, anytime he went on vacation, he was in a commited relationship when he was not, he liked spending time with me. I think that was his void. I knew when we were together he was truely really happy. He felt comfortable to be just himself. And I know he’s truely not happy being in this relationship with his BF he’s just afraid of loosing the nice the things and the exotic vacations.
Sorry, you were his fallback guy and I know that really hurts. He had the best of both worlds, his BF and you. You need to cut the contact or this “game” will go on for a long time. Eventually you will get so sick of his lies.Take care of yourself.
Gay Guy, You may be letting gossip (Umm .. nothing good can come from gossip, I consider gossip to be one of the true social evils.) and details distract you from what is important.
What is important is this guy is deceiving you. And has been deceiving you. Things that you consider important – truthfulness, satisfaction with one lover in your life, and basic respect for yourself and others – don’t seem to be important in this guy’s life. While you may want to settle down, to be a life mate with a responsible guy, to build a family and a secure nest – he is dating. He is dating left and right. What I consider a perpetual dater – he has no understanding of a deeper relationship, his habit of bobbing back and forth between dates is so well-practiced – it is his life style. I would guess that winning bed partners is also one of his life-skills. People don’t give up their life styles, just because they find someone comfortable.
Our bodies adapt to our intimate partners. Hormones and other cycles coincide at the chemical and physical level at the same time we adjust our expectations and satisfactions to what our partner enjoys. Which makes this question quite poignant – how many sex partners do you want to sleep with, second hand? The larger the number, the less your partner will be attuning to you, the less capacity for bonding he will have left for you – and the more likely that after some number of bondings, he loses the ability to ever form a family bond, ever.
I feel everyone is hard-wired to addictive, repetitive behavior. I don’t think there are fundamental differences between what makes a loyal partner, a good work ethic, and being ‘in a rut’ – continuing an unsatisfactory process or behavior rather than choosing to make a fundamental change.
Because a fundamental change is what is needed; a ‘little death’, a clearing away of the life you lived before, to make room to adjust and change to a new set of values. A change to choose to avoid people with weak character – deceitful, manipulative, dishonest in any way, and strive to live a morally upright life. The hazard if you don’t make a real change, is that you bounce right back – with another guy with the same character, the same lack of compassion and respect, the same issues, maybe for the same reasons – a cute look or smooth pickup line rather than a disciplined, secure, honorable partner. Hint: You won’t find as many good mate-candidates where you find dates looking for a ‘good time’. I would think you have had enough of ‘perpetual daters’.
Luck!
Dear Guy:
I can all understand your hurt feelings. We re all human beings after all. I wish I could have found this article that I recently read about signs of a healthy relationship, one of which was that you have been to where your partner lives and vice versa. The fact that you were only told about where he lived but had never visited should have been a warning sign to you (especially after a short period of time in a relationship). Please understand that I am not trying to criticize because I too have ignored or minimized red flags in the past and I didn’t follow-up with finding out the answers until after I developed feelings. I am simply trying to alert you to pay attention to the red flags in the future so that you will save yourself from alot of additional hurt.
You mentioned that your boyfriend was very materialistic. Those who are very materialistic are really very empty inside, and seek to fill the emptyness inside with things that keep them wanting more and more, and this is because they are searching for the wrong things, instead of love which leads to happiness. I realize that there are good qualities which attracted you to your boyfriend in the first place, but as we all find out the hard way by our broken hearts, these relationships are unfulfilling because there is not a genuine reciprocal love. And while our dreams our crushed — “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Proverbs). But don’t give up on yourself, even though it’s very hard at the moment and your spirit may be crushed. The rejections in life point us in the right direction — that of finding love — instead of our wasting time in an unfulfilling relationship where we are not loved in returned.
In many instances, the person who is emotionally unavailable is really acting out of his or her own hurts and fears (typically from childhood and reinforced later in life), and their FEAR is greater than their LOVE. As such, their FEAR is their primary operating factor and thus they act more out of their fears and in the end, they lead an empty life. They may have things but they don’t have love. I realized the importance of relationships when I had a near death experiences seven years ago and I didn’t think of work, hobbies, or things, but of God, family and friends — including my emotionally unavailable friend Lisa (it’s extremely hard for me to let her go because she was the first person I thought of in my second near death experience when I thought I was going to die in the ER). In this regard, as painful as it may be, the rejection is God’s protection of you, and the time that you are given in the future will not be wasted on your emotionally unavailable boyfriend, but can be used to find somone who loves you for you and vice versa.
We often think that it is our fault that our person didn’t love us (better looks, more money, etc.), but it is in actually — and please think about this point carefully because it took me a long time to understand it myself — it is really a reflection of the other person’s character, and not a reflection on you. Why did your boyfriend lie and mislead you as to where he lived? Because he knew that if you knew the truth, you would have rejected him. A person who is living with their ex is ALWAYS emotionally unavailable. But your emotionally unavailable boyfriend saw something very good in you — otherwise, he would not have wanted to be with you in the first place. You felt used because it was bascially a one-way street. He took the good things that you offered, and you only got something hollow and empty in return from him and that is reason for your hurts. And that’s the reason why the emotionally unavailable people come back because they can get something good from you. It does hurt because they don’t give back (selfish, narcissistic, etc.), but I do not envy them because unless something dramatically changes in their lives, they will forever be emotionally empty and truly lonely inside. They can’t love you because they can’t love themselves. It is very sad because emotionaly unavailable people still have good characteristics about them, it is just that the bad characteristics far outweigh the good ones in the long run, and that is often the exact reason why they hide their emotions from you and from themselves. They cannot love you because they do not love themselves.
God bless.
David
“It is very sad because emotionaly unavailable people still have good characteristics about them, it is just that the bad characteristics far outweigh the good ones in the long run, and that is often the exact reason why they hide their emotions from you and from themselves. They cannot love you because they do not love themselves.”
Very well said, David. They also hide their true self as long as they can.
Thanks Astelle
I just read an artilcle which featured an interview with DR. LES PARROTT (He and his wife LESLIE PARROTT are very well regarded Christian psychologists
and run a well respected center for RELATIONSHIPS
http://www.realrelationships.com/
And in the interview, DR. LES PARROTT stated that the most important quality for sustaining relationships is EMPATHY — the ability to put oneself in the other’s person’s shoes and he said that this requires both the mind and the heart. The emotionally unavailable people who break our hurts do so because of the LACK OF EMPATHY. In other words, the LACK OF EMPATHY is a huge red flag that we need to pay attention to, and it is the LACK OF EMPATHY that makes the relationships with emotionally unavailable people so ONE SIDED.
God bless all.
David
Hello all:
I meant “hearts” not “hurts” in my earlier post.
It just came to me that a very good but simple test for EMPATHY is if the other person REMEMBERS YOUR BIRTHDAY. A person who truly cares about you will find out when your is birthday by asking a simple question “when is your birthday” and will follow through with some action that shows that they rememberd your birthday and show that they care. If they don’t remember you on your birthday, when will they truly do something for you? Or an emotionally unavailable person and just using you? And while everyone makes mistakes and may forget, the failure to remember your birthday would be a good RED FLAG that the person LACKS EMPATHY and is emotionally unavailable. And are you remembered on VALENTINE’S DAY and SWEETEST DAY and CHRISTMAS? These are just some thoughts and possibly some clues as to a person’s emotionally avaialability or unavailability. Is it all about them or do they think sometimes about you? It’s just a thought.
Best regards,
David
David
if that were the case my eum loves me, and i can assure you thats not true, he seeks me out on my birthaday and always does something nice as well as something not so nice.
he actually seeks me out when he knows im feeling down and tries to cheer me up. but he is an eum a womaniser surely remembering dates is part of their charm.
well i have now ended it with all three of my eums, (my ex husband, the eum who brought me to these posts and the new guy.) god that looks bad.
gay guy
you have to put yourself first, there is someone for you but you wont find them till you are happy being you, and eums can seek out unhappy people and drain them for their own pleasure, stand firm.
Thank you David for your post! I have doing a lot of reflecting of myself and I’m now on a good path of just loving myself. I look at myself and realize that I’m a damn good catch. I have job that I love, and I’m surrounded by the most amazing group of friends and I have a wonderful place to live where all the action happens only a few blocks away from downtown. I come to realize that all along I had all these wonderful things to share with someone and if he could not see them…..than that’s his loss! I been doing NC and thus far it’s easy to do cause currently he is Mexico with his BF. I come to find that there was alwys a pattern. I think he would get caught up on the moment of going to places with his BF but give him a few days after he got back and it was right back to me. Like I said his BF is nine years older than he is and were both the same age. He and I have a lot in commen when it comes to stuff outside of our emotions. I feel like he thinks he can relate me more on this level, rather than being someone he is not when he is with his BF. I know that I want a lasting relationship with someone based on trust, love, commitment and communication. I know that I had everything to offer him and he had nothing to give me. So I wish him all the best with all my heart. Cause I have the same heart but it’s beating to a whole new beat. We all deserve someone that will give back what we give. You all can do it! I have not regrets of meeting him, cause he has opened up my eyes to the type of guys that I need to stay clear away from!! All I know is that I never have to live with the thought what if??? Because that I gave it my best shot and if he feels anything he will have to live with the thought what if? Because I’m letting the strings go!!!
Can it get any Worse………………So I guess my No Contact with the EUM came too late…..As some of you know found out he was cheating on me..Thats when I walked away…I did not know who else he had been with so to be safe I went in for a PAP and had them run all of my Blood for possible sexual transmitted diseases…I am still in SHOCK……………….My doctor called me on Tuesday and told me I was a infected with a STD that is only treatable not curable…So not only has this man ruined my life he has now threatened my Health…It has still not sunk in that I will have this condition for the rest of my life……..
I am sure he does not even know he has this but guess he will find out sooner or later after he has infected others……..I am simply SICK……….I am 44 have 3 grown children and have always lead a clean life….
Lizzie, That is too horrible.
Only, it is still getting worse. With STD’s you fall under Federal jurisdiction. You have to identify your partners (Centers for Disease Control regulations) – everyone you might have caught the STD from, or passed it on to. Because tracking down everyone that is exposed, getting them diagnosed and on record, is the only way to keep a lid on outbreaks of disease.
So, yes, you have an incurable STD – and you still have to give your doctor (at least!) the EUM’s name. This is *not* the time to be shy, at least with your doctor. Your doctor should handle reporting your partner for notification and followup.
It probably doesn’t help, but there is an effort to keep your information private.
And when you see your doctor about treatment, and to list your partners, be sure to ask about any restrictions you might have – donating blood, medical records, MedicAlert bracelets, etc. Find out if you have to be careful about contact with your kids. Gods, this does get gruesome. Ask about future partners.
You have to know, and you have to report him as being the source of your infection. You might save a future friend from this disease.
Keep in mind that life is *not* over – you just need to learn the new rules.
Blessed be.
Hi all
I made the mistake of meeting up with my ex eum more than 2 months after our break up. he was persisting and he said he needed to talk
Anyway he admitted to me that he was never 100% there in our relationship as he still felt guitly about his ex and he would lie to me to see her..
After a lot of other things that we said he told me the following
I want us to live together i will tell my ex about you (he always kept the fact that he had a rleationship a secret – and they had broekn up and he had moved out a year before he met me) then he said the following ‘but i want to see her once a week’ They don’t have children all they did was live together for 15 years…
I did not answer..
The next day i get text from him
‘Do what you feel is right…overall use your logic and decide with your head not your heart…and do what you really want…love you very much’
I was shocked its like he took back whatever he said
I replied if i was thinking with my head i would never talk to you again…its is because i was acting from the heart that i agreed to meet up with you…
I haven’t answered any of his calls since then I feel offended for some reason..i would have thought that after everything he put me through he would have said tell what you want me to do for you to come back to me..
Your thoughts are welcomed because he confused the hell out of me with his actions
Elena, I saw this comment come through and was shocked at your EUM – ok not shocked shocked but this is awful. One of the things we learn when we heal ourselves and stop chasing EUM’s is that the heart and the head are in sync when it’s a healthy relationship. You should be offended for many reasons not just some reason but you need to stop dignifying this man with your time and your heart and process and accept the meaning of what he is saying. Whatever you do with him, you’ll be sharing him with his ex, a woman he has been happy to deceive you about before and trust me, with men like this, even though it appears that he is now doing full disclosure, I would lay bets that he is drip feeding you the truth. You are sharing your man with a woman who he is not over and who he doesn’t want to be over. His relationship with her is a priority and he is more concerned about protecting his need to see her than doing the right thing by you. His offer is this ‘I want to have my cake and eat it too’. You need to call a halt to these ridiculous games and stop engaging because he is not going to change. He hasn’t come back after your 2 months of no contact and offered you everything; he’s just offering more crumbs. Once a man says he is not over her, he is not able to be with you. Don’t rationalise it and don’t try to compete – get out.
Dear NML
At first i felt vindicated – as he always made me feel like i was crazy and that it was all in my head that he was lying to me…
But i guess he had to lay this card on the table 2 months after we broke up as he had to…and you are right somewhere i did feel that he was drip feeding me..the truth when he was talking to me
Whenever we broke up in the past i would beg him to re consider – this time i did at first but then i just dissapeared and one month after our break up i was seen out with a new date by one of his friends and that is when he started to call me and text me..
I really dont think he will ever let go of her and i think he thought carefully about the bare minumum he could offer me to try and win me back – but he was gambling on how strong my emotions are for him (he is actually very cunning)
To be honest i thought about it for days – at first i felt i love him i will do anything and then as the days went by i was angry – foremost at myself..for even considering what he said..
It was like he was cutting a deal….putting himself in a position to still manage his life the way he pleased and for me to risk everything…
Elena, Looked at one way, your poor EUM saw his life come apart. Here he had two women to be intimate with, whenever he felt in the mood for one or the other. One big happy family.
Even when he knew it was grossly unfair to both, he lived a life of lies – that didn’t matter to him. He was ‘winning’ the dating game by getting to third base, regularly, with two (or more?) women a the same time. The high school/middle school boyhood locker room dream.
And you let him live that dream for a long time. Then you left. And he still has not grown up, still doesn’t have a clue about why dating is not the goal, a life together is the reason to pick a mate, only he doesn’t get what a mate is, either.
In his confusion and bewilderment he falls back on his schoolboy dream – and is trying to rebuild that kid type fantasy about dating two girls (or more!) at the same time. And that is what he is doing. He is telling you whatever story you will go along with to rebuild his fantasy.
1) He is living in a dream world.
2) He isn’t interested in what damage or injury he does to anyone
3) He isn’t mature, has no clue to what an adult’s responsibilities are in a relationship (or what the rewards would be).
4) His dream used to satisfy him, he hasn’t learned anything useful since grade school, about relationships, character, or respect. So he will *not* be changing what he knows, what his goals are, how he treats others.
5) This ‘perpetual dater’ is practicing his ‘winning bed partners’ life-skill. You will never know how many women you are exposed to second-hand. You can’t trust him, the more he has spread himself around this way the more disease exposure, and the less time and attention he has for anything that matters to you.
What NML said. You enable him to act horribly toward you, his ex, and others, if you even spend time thinking about him, let alone talk to him.
He lies. He could apologize, confess to everything – and you still would not feel any closer to closure, or understanding how he can disrespect, ignore, and hurt you so. There is nothing you need to hear from him, and nothing you could say to him that would affect him or help you.
New to this site….As I read Brads comment to Elenna it really hit home….My ex Emotionally Unavailable Man….was sleeping with me and another woman…until I finally figured it all out and I walked away….I simply wanted to throw up…He is now with her 24/7 I simply do not get it….he could not be emotionally available to me or to her and yet now it seems as ever since I walked away he is totally devoted to her…………I simply do not get it…we were together for a year and a half and then 3 months ago he got weird….and thats when I figured out he had been seeing someone on the side….How the hell can he just walk away without an ounce of guilt as to what he did to me and just go into a full blown relationship with this new woman…I wonder if he will soon get bored with her as well….I simply do not understand how EUM carry on without a thought or feeling of what they have done to another human being….I am simply shattered….
Stacey welcome
I am not sure if you have read the e-book but these men are never emotionally available to anyone…
I always though that the reason my eum would not commit to me was becuase he was still involved with his ex, then when i was closing in on him after a year and a half he brok of with me and found another replacement – when he realised things were not that cozy with her after 2 months he started to ask me for a quasi commitment i.e live together which was something i was asking for, for a long time.
However my EUM was a lot more daring and even went as far as saying to me – i will still see my ex once a week as i feel sorry for her (she is 20 years older than he i.e 59)…
What i am trying to say is that these guys are like gamblers – they hedge their bets. so do you really think he will be 24/7 to her or that he will find another women to cheat on her with? See he was carring on the charade for too long with you so it is an ingrained habit. If he was a man of any substance he would be alone for a while…
Cut your losses and run for it…dont wait for him t come back – he may come sniffing around they always do…but dont make the mistakes i made…you will end up a wreck
Hi. I searched for this article tonight to re-read. My ex-EUM sent me a couple of strange emails tonight. He and I haven’t really talked for months. I’ve definitely moved on and am just about over him.
I’m dating again, I have had several dates with two different men in the past few weeks. I am having fun. I’m in the “getting to know you” phase and taking everything very slow. I sense one might be a “Mr. Unavailable” but – already – after two dates – his allure is fading because I have a hunch about what he is about. However, I will give it the benefit of the doubt – but will not chase him either. It’s up to him. The other one seems definitely available and is very interested in getting to know me and spend time with me. He’s making a real effort. However, I am still getting to know him too. All said, I am having fun and my ex-EUM memories and nostalgia are fading extremely quickly.
Anyway – so tonight I get his emails. Quick, one sentence emails. One asking about my weekend. The other reminiscing about one of the more recent times we were together (after having broken up – the time he referenced was in April of this year).
It’s all really stupid. He’s been carrying on this way with me for over TWO and a HALF YEARS.
I deleted the emails without responding. I’m not interested in going there. Nothing good will come of it.
I laugh – some of us have EUMs that will say lots more than mine will. I was one heck of a yo-yo and fallback girl. No more.
He’s not reaching out because of me. He’s reaching out because of him. He needs an ego stroke. If it was about me – no – you know what – if it EVER was about me – we would have had a healthy relationship. The guy is just an a-clown.
Ok – so – I just wanted to vent. I have been reading this site for over two years and I feel like I am FINALLY making progress. It was such hard work. But now – it feels SO GOOD.
Good luck everyone! And wish me luck to keep the strength!
Ashley
Hi Ashley:
I can definitely relate to your experience of receiving the strange emails from your emotionally unavailable ex as I have also recently received emails from emotionally unavailable friend Lisa. And I see with clarity — just like you said — the emotionally unavailable person is not writing and getting in touch with us to truly see how we are doing, but as a means to stroke their own ego. I do congratulate you on the strength that you have shown in not responding to his overtures. I’m still not able to completely let go of my emotionally unavailable friend, but I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t feel compelled to contact her (though I had hoped for closure by talking with her, but if probably would not even register with her). As you point out, nothing good will come of it. I’ve been very happy doing things and going out with other friends, and I’ve meeting some new women. So when my emotionally unavailable friend Lisa writes to me, I just let her know that I’ve been having a great time (without her). When I needed to talk with her, she could not spare any time for me — an excuse that she was too busy — that was a big wake up call for me. And now, when she reaches out to me, I simply let her know that I’m have a great time with other women. I say just enough to keep her guessing. And I’m very close to the point where I’d prefer not to hear from her because the hurt resurfaces.
The one thing that I’ve learned, as we all have learned the hard way, is that one of the characteristics of an emotionally unavailable person is a LACK OF EMPATHY. And so now, so I don’t end up repeating the same pattern of going after an emotionally unavailable women (they do exist), one of the main qualities that I look for in a woman is EMPATHY — the ability to see and feel things from the other person’s point of view — to stand in the other person’s shoes (mine of size 13, by the way, LOL).
I wish you well, and I just want you to know that you should be very proud of yourself for recognizing the problem with EUM and moving on.
God bless!!!
Best regards,
David
Hmm emotionally unaivable people i agree have lack of empathy…
they think purely with their head and not their heart..they are manipulative and manage everything around them to suit them and their lifestyle…they lie so much that i think even they believe their lies. My eum even went so far as to say his father was in hospital, to cover his tracks why he couldn’t see me that particular night..
I felt sick having to check up on him when i called the hospital and no such patient existed..I felt this way for 2 reasons..1. for actually checking on him (bad move) and 2. finding out that someone would lie about his own father
This example is a classic case of lack of empathy
Thanks for your comments.
David – I had considered responding with a comment about how my weekend was great and that I had met a guy from home and we were dating. But, I felt like it would be a ploy to see his reaction. And I can guess what his reaction would be. It would have been he would have responded with a lot of incessant emails and pseudo flattery. Which would have made me feel things for me and hope that he might back his words up with actions. Which he wouldn’t have. Which – and this is the most important thing – would have made me feel badly and would have taken my attention away from the men that are treating me well.
Had he called me up and said “How are you doing? We haven’t spoken in a while, would you like to have lunch?” (we work together) I may have given him some time. That is how REAL friends reconnect with one another.
And to be honest, as recently as yesterday, I considered inviting him out to lunch for that very same reason (we haven’t caught up in a long time). But I decided against it because 1) I can’t be sure that it wouldn’t stir up my previous feelings for him and 2) he has never once done that to me. No – I take that back – he has – and he never came through – he invited me out to lunch, I said yes, told him when I was free and he never followed up. 3) it would have taken my focus off everything in my life that I need to focus on – the guys I am dating, my work, my real friends, everything.
He’s not a friend. He’s a frienGd by HIS definition – which – let’s face it – is NOT good enough. He doesn’t know what being a friend really is.
I agree with you about empathy. It’s very important. My ex-EUM had it for some things – but he definitely lacked it when it came to his understanding how his actions/inactions towards me were painful to me. Which makes me think that for other issues where I thought he had empathy – maybe he just was faking it.
Good luck!
I have been wanting to post my thoughts for quite some time now.I had written about my eum earlier.The last week had been really bad for me.We were supposed to meet up for lunch and due to some reason he did not turn up.This has alraedy happened so many times before.He informed me that he wouldn’t be able to come.I got really wild and texted him that i wouldn’t want to talk to him again,how upset i was and quite a few other emotional messages.At the end of it he got pissed off with me and accused me of inflicting emotional warfare on him…when he was the one who caused it all…this is a pattern again…i am always the one at fault…and he is the superman…Anyway after his angry outburst I got scared that things might be ruined forever..I called him after 2 days and told him how much i liked him,valued him and all that…He spoke to me well but again said that something within him had snapped because of my emotional outburst last time and that i had pushed him over the edge…I was really hurt…THe next day I tried to call him and talk to him and i found that he was avoiding my calls.All this after explaining everything to him.Far from getting annoyed with him,I was depressed and kept texting him about how much i liked him and all that…To which he never replied…At the end I started wondering what I was doing to my own self.Here i was putting somebody else before me,begging and pleading for no fault of mine…and waiting for his calls,messages…I was ready to do anything to be with him.I read the articles on this site all over again.Two days have passed.Haven’t contacted him though I wish that he would contact me….I don’t know what to do…feel i am losing respect for my self….
help i am weakining
i have had nc 4 a while now but he texted me at 6am this morning, not quiet awake i nearly responded. now i cant get him out of my head. our second anniversary is rapidly aproaching. i miss him. hes next door, but i have built a wall in my mind, but the text this morning was like an earthquake.
i know hes not right for me. but i love him. i want him. i need need him. but i need to stay away from him more than anything else.
he was with his girlfriend when he texted me,
he sent. (fak this is a nitemare. at 6.am)
at 10.30am i sent. (wat is a nitemare.) not for any other reason other than if i dont reply he will keep it up till he sees me and if im face to face i will cave in. at least by text i can keep my resolve of not seeing him.
bigger problem we both have to go to a funeral together. no real choice close friend of both of us.
i have refused him so many times lately but i still cant stop thinking about him.
i need back up
You need to figure out what you want. Is the texting is just to pass the time and be entertained when bored?
It doesn’t seem like it. It seems like you are attaching meaning to his sending you texts. For instance, his sending you a text when he’s with his girlfriend.
I really think that if a guy is not initiating face to face contact with you – or at minimum, minimum responding favorably to a woman’s initiation of face to face interaction – that – it’s all just a game. There is no real emotion and everyone has a wall up.
This applies to women too who engage in responding to and sending incessant text messages to a boyfriend or someone in whom they are interested.
Men who hide behind texts do not change if they don’t want to. They won’t suddenly start pursuing you honorably or taking you out on dates. They will just continue with their sub-par behavior.
So – look at him for who he really is and how he is REALLY treating you. And ask yourself honestly – how can I unconditionally love THAT?
he sent it at 6.00am. thats screwed up.
i dont text him i just reply to keep him at arms length, out of politeness i dont encourage him. i keep them short and blunt, hes not a texter.
i dont want to be rude to him he lives next door and reacting would show i care. i do care, but he doesnt need to know this. but it is over.
Dear Deb:
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that I can greatly empathize with you. I find myself in a similar situation with my friend Lisa, and the last several times that she has initiated contact with me, she’ll briefly mention that she is going to one wedding or another, and it leaves me wondering who she is going to the wedding with. It hurts and sometimes I think that she is subconsciously taking out her hurts from her father (her parents divorced when she was young) and from prior relationships out on me and whoever else. Needless to say, and it is really sad, I believe that she leads an unfulfilled life. And while I have feelings for her, just like you love your EUM, I am not going to place myself in another position of hurt. We both deserve a heck of a lot better and someone who loves us for who we are. I am also cordial when I deal with my friend Lisa, even though she is not always cordial with me (and she works in public relations for a major hospital). In fact, at various times, her actions toward me are very rude and self-centered. I realize that she is someone who is hurt, probably more than I can even imagine, and that she walls herself off from others, including those who would truly love her, but that is her choice and her loss. And I’m not going to stay stuck in one place, and I’m out there meeting other women and simply enjoying life, and trying not to even think about Lisa because when I do, it tears me up inside and I start to cry because she really means something to me, and I can tell from your posting, including your last couples ones, that your EUM means a great deal to you too. One thing that this experience has taught me is to recognize alot earlier the emotional unavailability of other people and so I don’t waste my time on emotionally unavailable women. And because of all this, I defintely recognize and understand the need for the NO CONTACT RULE. Deb, have faith that you will find someone else and look at the blessings that you have in life and FOCUS on the positive.
I wish you the best and God bless.
David
thank you david
he made direct contact again, i answered questions that were put to me, politely but short and did not ask questions or show interest. i was in the middle of decorating, he offered to help, but i said no thank you, saying i was enjoying the prospect of doing it alone, saying if i did feel the need for help i would ask, then said i had to go as i didnt want to leave it incase i lost my mojo. he came and had a look and as usual stroked my ego, but i didnt react. although on the inside i was jumping for joy.
he asked if i was dating, i said i was window shopping but not in the mood for any man, (im not on the market, i want to be single) he smiled, then i said not even you, i learnt im worth more than that. then my phone rang and i signaled i would see him later and walked away. i didnt turn to look back or catch his reaction. he left.
i feel strong, but it still hurts.
Debs, so if I understand your comment, after disrespecting his girlfriend by texting you, and to be abusive too, while she was around. Then he talks to you, belittles your capacity to think and live your own life – disregarded your dismissal, trespassed into your home and invaded your space uninvited.
And what you felt was rewarded for him trespassing and gifting you with a pat on the head.
He invades your privacy, digs into your dating -and you shared with this disrespectful bundle of issues, problems, and disrespect.
You may be doing better than before, but you can start counting your days of NC from now. Because you broke NC – he didn’t force you to talk to him, he didn’t make you allow him into your house.
You need some more social outlets, more contact with responsible, respectful adults that respect you and each other. With more responsible friends and acquaintances in your life you will not need the next-door not-quite-ex to provide the assurance and approval we all need.
It seems that any response you make to an EUM, beyond a single word, “No,” is an open door to more contact, resuming bad habits, and returning to the cycle you wanted to get away from. Consider him the enemy, fear his contact like a recovering drunk fears that first drink – for about the same reasons.
Take care.
i agree with most of what you said, but from what he could see i wasnt reactin and from were i was standing i didnt feel threatened or pulled in by him, i was proud of myself for having a civil conversation with someone who normally makes me melt and is aware of it. to him i was just like any other neighbour that day polite and slightly short but not rude. to me this is more of an achievement than any other reply. at some point we all need our neighbours and friends i am just changes the boundries to suit me.
i said it was over and i mean it, i also think he got it.
seen him today brief hello nothing more, and my heart didnt break melt or yearn for him, what if is no longer the question.
i will remain friendly but never a position to resumme our previous relationship.
Hi Deb:
It appears that you are in a more unique situation than the rest of us because your emotionally unavailable person is a neighbor. Where most of us can keep our emotionally unavailable person out of sight and hence hopefully out of mind, you don’t currently have that option because he is a neighbor. Given the circumstances, I believe that you were correct in being cordial to him and it shows your good character. I was thinking that if the shoe was on the other foot, you would want to be treated cordially and as a human being by him and not simply ignored, so you did the right thing, Deb. I agree with you about setting proper boundaries. There are a couple of great books by DR. HENRY CLOUD AND DR. JOHN TOWNSEND called BOUNDARIES and BOUNDARIES IN DATING. I highly recommend both of them. I wish you well and God bless.
David
thank you david.
he and i had a heart to heart last nite.
he popped in to borrow something, while he was there i told him we needed to talk. i told him that what we had was over and i had moved on, i said that though it was good at the time i had grown out of and away from it. he said he didnt want to loose me as a friend, i said that wouldnt happen if he respected me my boundaries and my space, he said he would try but that if he was out of order, i should tell him and he wouldnt take it bad, i thanked him gave him the paint tray he asked for and walked him out. he went to hug me and i said neighbours dont do that and shook his hand, he smiled and wished me luck.
Wow. I am blown away by everyone’s empathy, stories, and hard work to free themselves of the Yo-Yo relationship situation.
My story, and I’ll keep it brief, is this:
G and I met right after my divorce six years ago. I never took any time to heal, process and reclaim myself after leaving my abusive marriage. I met G in third grade, had a crush on him then but we never actually spoke to each other until our 20 year reunion from high school. He was still cute, and we wanted to know each other better. That was six years ago; we’ve dated exclusively ever since and, honestly, I will say he is a good, responsible, loving, kind man.
It’s me who has the Boomerang problem. We’ll be going along well, and *WHAM* something in me triggers and I am compelled to end the relationship – without much warning, without incident, without reason but with a ton of pain, tears and anguish. He has never really left us when I’ve done what we now call Push-me-Pull-You, although last year he allowed himself to get good and annoyed and he dated someone once or twice from Match. When I called him on New Year’s Day (miserable without him, lonely and ashamed for putting him and myself through this nonsense again), he arrived 10 minutes later and, after conversation, we decided to rejoin again.
Recently, we tried couples therapy. It was going along pretty well, then, one session, I just felt that feeling of “this is not working and I have to end it” and did, right there in the session. He has continued with the therapist, and I’m about to start my own individual sessions with another practitioner.
We do love each other, are in our mid-40s, and despite everything I’ve done with all this break up/mending stuff, our physical relationship has never faltered – which we both find funny and frankly a blessing.
Someone along the way suggested I have PostTraumatic Stress Disorder stemming from the closeness then abuse and trauma from my marriage. I do have a grave fear of chosing another bad partner, and conversely, of losing the love of my life – and I cannot seem to get past either to a place of being able to accept happiness in the form of love from this man. We do have fun together – when I am wholly present and “here” in the relationship. We have a lot in common, and we talk about most everything, now, even what are issues in my childhood and marriage that could possibly be affecting everything else.
So, thank you for this page and all these posts. It is very saddening and a realy wake up call to read the brokenhearted stories of those who have been wronged and used by someone who keeps them around as a security blanket and not as a loved one or a sacred person in life. I know I have done a lot of damage in my relationship with G (not his real initial, by the way, lol), and have caused him so much pain, anger and frustration. Neither of us need this at all. I know I am ready and willing to learn and fix my wrongs. We both deserve to be loved, and I believe my therapy will bring me to a place where I do not want to bolt anytime I’m afraid of being in a committed partnership again. I want to stay, share the rest of my life, and be happy with this man who has put up with so much of my push and pull.
Peace and many healing blessings to you, one and all.
jennifer
i feel that if you can see and identify thee problem you are half way there. you need a time out and i think you see that too, however it is hard to take a time out without feeling as though you are disappearing.
so far my eum is respecting my boundaries and i am handling things very well. i feel much better and can honestly say we are now just friends and neighbours.
you will get there too if you really want it.
Jennifer, Aside from going to therapy and asking the therapist to guide you forward, what steps are you taking, to take ownership and responsibility for your own life and well-being?
What I mean is, surviving abuse – actually getting out of the abusive situation – may leave you with self doubts, self hate, feeling that no one that you respect should respect or love you. Objectively it is easy to tell others that that is not so, that everyone can be loved, that being abused doesn’t make you unloveable. Telling ourselves that (I am sure you know!) isn’t that easy, at least it isn’t easy telling ourselves we are worthy of respect and love, and actually believe what we hear ourselves say. Unresolved anger at the past, at yourself for enduring abuse in the past, at how your emotions and self image were manipulated – the triggers for anger and angst and hurt can remain active for a long time. And keep hurting you and those around you, too.
Sorry for the turmoil in your life.
Blessed be!
HEY DEBS….Its been a while since I have been on and you and I share the same situation…with the Ex being a neighbor…..If you remember this all errupted for me back in August..when I found out about another woman he was seeing…Long story short…Yes he is still with her….but has been trying to seek me out….which I will never go back…He is playing her just like he did me….I just resently found out that he ripped my heart out and threw me away because of money!!! Its turns out this woman he is with is in for a Huge Divorce Settlement…and he on the surface has her beleiving one thing while he does completly the opposite when he is not with her…I don’t know why I cannot get this out of my mind and move on….I guess I need to see him do the same thing to her which he is doing…I guess I just want to see this fall apart for him and for her because of all the pain that he put me through…and after they got together she knew about me and continued on with her relationship with him…I tell you I would be in a much better place right now if he did not live down the street…I am forced to see his house his truck and of course her car just about everyday.,….How do you do it…I am dating but just find it so hard to commit to someone solely…It seems as though as soon as someone gets close…I run..so how do you cope with the whole neighbot thing???
Lizzie
your gonna think im weird but having him next door, seeing him regularly and not giving in is making it easier. unlike most break ups i have had over the years, i dont wonder were he is or what he is up to, because i know.
i dont hate my eum, i feel sorry for him. he is broken, i cant fix him nor do i want to.
he did call the other evening when he was drunk, i told him to ring again at a respectable hour when he was sober. he said he wanted to set me up on a date with one of his friends, i told him i didnt need a pimp and i could get my own dates, thanked him for his concern, said goodbye, and hung up.
i am not dating, no matter how tempted i am, i am now in a great relationship with myself, i dont want to date. i am not ready.
i dont want to see my eum fall flat on his face either, nor do i want to see him hurt anyone else, i like his current girlfriend.
he was there when i needed him him, i let it run on too long, i read too much into it, but its over now. i am thankful for the good times and feel i have learnt from the bad times.
he has in a way shown me what i dont want and what i wont put up with, but has also shown me what i do want, and its not him or anyone like him, he was a fantasy.
my friends and i dont talk about him, i dont go looking for him or take interest in his activities. i still think about him but its not in an “if only” sort of way. its just the odd thing i do reminds me of him, they are happy memories. i am glad i was with him, it helped me find myself, but it also opened my eyes to the world and the whole dating game. i used to believe in fairy tales, but now i believe you make your own way. everyone has an agenda, some dont even know their own.
you will get over yours but you have to want to, it doesnt mean you will forget about him, but you will realise that the relationship was unhealthy, that it was one sided, that you werent getting what you needed for it to be fair.
lizzie i dont want to tell you what to do, but if your still hung up on him, you shouldnt be dating, to do so is asking for trouble, you are trying to find his clone, rub his nose in it, or fill the gap he has left. the gap will fill on its own in time, but you cant fill it with another guy, you need to fill it with you.
geography is nothing.
learn to look at people for what they are, not for what you want them to be. and learn about you, a realtionship with yourself is the most important one.
hope this is helpful.
Hello all:
I just wanted to let you know that I made great progress in getting over my emotionally unavailable friend Lisa. I deleted all of her emails, deleted her email address from my address book, and shredded copies of everything except for a few cards, etc., so I’m 95% finished with the stuff from the past. A pastor friend of mine had really helped me out to remind me that it was not my fault in the relationship, that my friend had withdrawn and hurt the relationship, and that I should let myself get taken in by any manipulation. Contact in the past re-opened the wounds and made things very hurtful and difficult for me, and so the NO CONTACT rule really helped. And learning to forgive her for her actions/inactions and not having any bitterness but instead compassion by realizing that she is really a hurting individual, but also recognizing that I DIDN’T BREAK HER, i DON’T HAVE ANY OBLIGATION TO FIX HER. I wish you all the best God bless.
David
David
i am pleased for you keep working at it you will get there and we are here for support if you need us
Thank you Deb. I appreciate your support and encouragement. The great thing through all of this is that I met a new friend earlier this year, who knew my old friend as they work at the same major hospital and used to live near each other, and my new friend, Tina, was there for me during my hearbreak, and I was there for her during her operation this week, and on Thursday, she asked me to the save the date in June next year to go to her daughter’s wedding and to dance with her, so who knows, and some of my friends are already telling me that it appears that I’m in love with Tina and there is a very good chance that she feels the same way, so time will tell.
God bless.
David
David
i hope your right but go with the flow dont read too much into it but dont shy away from the things that are there either. take one day a a time. enjoy every moment, if something doesnt feel right say so, dont settle for less than you are entitled to. miss right is out there, she will find you if you are open and honest.
Thanks Deb….Yes, I know what you mean about not guessing where he is or what he is up too….My ex EUM is the same now…
Debs, and BradK,
Thank you for so much support and insights into whys and wherefores.
I’ve put key thoughts down, including some of what you offered, and will bring them with me later this week to my first therapy session… it’s the intake but maybe it will help the ‘intaker.’
Thank you for the vista on self-care and the realities of how past stuff keeps on giving. Ugh, boy does it ever!
With gratitude and appreciation,
thank you.
Jennifer
im glad it helps but im no expert im only sharing my own experiences. and sometimes i dont take my own advice.
Hi. I haven’t commented on here in a while. This is one of my favorite posts of NML’s. I’m breaking a cycle of being a fallback girl with a particular EUM. Back in September, when I last commented, I was doing well with the no contact rule. Then in October, my ex-EUM lost his job. We work together and I was one of the first people that he told. Of course, I stoked his ego. Which led to some other things – but not actually spending time together.
I’ve spoken to and seen my therapist about this and she says he’s very selfish and I am accurate in feeling a little bit used from his behavior. I won’t get into the details, but I will sum it up by saying our interaction would typically end over text, email or phone with me wanting to see him and him making excuses not to. I even orchestrated something where he did come over to help my father with bringing something into my apartment. He was very respectful and charming, but he declined to go to lunch with us afterwards.
I knew then that I couldn’t kid myself and be “friends” with him.
All the while he was telling me how I am such a great friend and thanking me for helping him out (by connecting him with others in the industry) in his job search.
Anyway, he’s called me a couple times, and we’ve had nice conversations. I try to tell myself I don’t want him but – I am kidding myself.
On Thanksgiving he called me and left me a message to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. I haven’t returned the call. I was going to call him the next day and started fantasing about spending some time with him this weekend. Then, the next day, when on Facebook (I recently accepted him as a friend, with some hesitation), I saw that on the same day that he called me (Thanksgiving) he also became friends with his ex-girlfriend from before and after he dated me. I also remembered the overtly sexual “e-card” he sent one of my best friends. I also remembered that after I accepted his friend request, he tried to befriend (electronically on facebook, without ever meeting them in person) at least two of my girlfriends (they ignored his request).
I’m typing this and thinking – how do I struggle with not calling him back after that behavior? I am sure if you are reading this you are wondering the same thing.
I guess it’s because, he is very good at pulling the wool over my eyes. He says all these things that make it SEEM like we have something. When I bring up anything that he’s done that is inappropriate or wrong he gets mad at me and says I am overthinking, or making too big a deal. Essentially he is very manipulative and he turns any issue people have with his inappropriate or selfish behavior into THEIR issue and shortcoming.
Since he never admits to anything or is honest about what he is doing – I never hear anything from him except 1) how he likes me so much or 2) how I am being over critical of him and need to relax and roll with things.
Since he is no longer with my company and has made an excuse to not come to my Christmas party next week, I will not be seeing him again at least in the near future. If I don’t call him, email him or text him – he will not see me or hear from me. It will be over.
If I do reach out – like this post says – I will be sending a signal of interest. I can see it’s up to me. I will not reach out. It’s hard. It really is.
My friend also gave me advice for if he were to call me again and if I took the call. Or if he requested to see me. I need to tell him no. And if pressed, I need to say that he is not what I want in a relationship. That I know he can’t give me what I want, and that because of that, I can’t see him or have contact with him right now.
This was helpful – just writing this out. If anyone has any words of wisdom or advice, I’d be grateful.
Thanks.
Ashley, no matter how manipulating and glib he is – you are responding to him. You find him comforting – you still wish for more time together with him, just as you did while you were dating.
Much of what he did to you (directly) was by omission – he wouldn’t call back, or answer messages, or be there when you expected or hoped he would be there. It actually doesn’t matter whether he was hooking up with others, pursuing someone else, or connecting with an ex. He wasn’t there for you. That is all that really matters.
Much of your attachment now is about remembering what was good back then. The times together were enjoyable. You are remembering that fondly, and that makes you more likely to return to the habits and ways of thinking that went before. Call it slipping back into the same old rut, or denial, or inertia (resistance to change), but you are vulnerable, just like all of us, to wanting the brightest and happiest in our lives.
You remember the frustration of him not being there, but it doesn’t seem as strong a barrier as the attraction of wanting him to be with you. After all, his not calling or being there might end. At any moment the phone might ring, or he might knock on the door, or he might answer a text. Since you aren’t living with him, you spend many more of your waking moments *not* being with him, than being together. Which makes the “Golly, I wish he were here” and “I wish he would call” thoughts seem common and ordinary – a *bad habit*. And you have to remind yourself, again, that the issue isn’t that he didn’t call, this time, the problem is that he isn’t there for you.
Which is why No Contact is such an effective way to give yourself time and emotional distance to find a healthy perspective about yourself and your relationships. In a healthy relationship there must be a balance between closeness with him and respecting your space and his. You have to have respect and trust about the time he is with you as well as the time he is away.
I see a conflict. You can be a good and conscientious co-worker, neighbor, and even friend. Except relationships between the sexes are based on sex. Relationships can vary from enmity or distrusted stranger, to neighbor, friend, lover, or family. Some people can move a relationship back, from lover to friend or neighbor, when things fall apart. But it takes two responsible people to accomplish the dis-engagement. As Harrison Ford told Anne Heche in “Six Days, Seven Nights” – “You want to know how a woman turns a guy on? She shows up. That’s it. We’re guys, we’re easy.” Every contact we have with someone is a reward and an encouragement.
Your guy is confused about what he is doing, is not taking responsibility for his actions, and doesn’t realize how many people his behavior is hurting. He cannot keep an appropriate amount of emotional (and sexual) distance in his relationship with you. That won’t change.
Meanwhile, the repeated contacts with him and the reminders of his social activity and his contacts keep refreshing hopes and dreams for both of you. You haven’t completed your journey, yet, toward a healthy you that won’t accept the BS that is his life.
And, too, Thanksgiving signals the beginning of the Silly Season. The daylight hours diminish (see your pharmacist about light bulbs that reduce the depression of short days), and the “family” holidays make all of us with fewer than 8 kids around feeling left out. Our hopes and fears become just a bit less rational, our tendency toward depression just a bit more pronounced. We look toward recent relationships and wish to rebuild the good times. And there are no really good answers. Because now, when we want family and emotional refuge and comfort, is the time we most benefit from paying close attention to the character, the honesty, and honor of those around us.
Instead of waiting to feel better about what has gone before, getting involved with community and religious activities may be a useful way to learn about yourself and your community. A healthy satisfaction for helping others does wonderful things for the self-esteem. Strengthening ties to trusted friends and befriending acquaintances can enrich the days.
Blessed be!
Hi Ashley:
I can understand and I know that it is a struggle when we hear from our emotionally unavailable person, and like yourself, I’m breaking the vicious cycle and not allowing myself to be used as the “fall back.” It took me a long time, and I finally deleted 99% of everything from my emotionally unavailable friend Lisa — emails, email address, voice mails, etc. And like a bad penny, she contacted me a week later because apparently too much time had passed and she wasn’t getting her ego fix from me. But when she wrote, it was really all about her. One of my closest friends read her email and said the email was all about Lisa and didn’t really express a genuine interest in me other than an ego fix. In other words, with an emotionally unavailable person, it is all about them. It’s not a two-way street, but a one-way street with them and that it not healthy at all. I responded to Lisa but kept it very brief only because she shared that her grandmother was dying so I was respectful and cordial and offered my sympathy but other than that I told her “I’ve been very busy lately” in response to her asking “how are you?” so as to not encourage further dialogue. When she contacted me, I did get mad but I don’t dwell on it because it’s not good for or healthy. I just let the feelings go so as to not to be stuck on Lisa. But I now recognize that this feeling of being “mad” when Lisa contacts me now is actually a warning sign that she violated my healthy boundaries in the past and to not go there again. I hope that this makes sense because our feelings can actually help us if we start to truly understand them. Our feelings are warning signs to us.
As as Brad mentions, spending time with trusted friends and developing friendships with other acquaitances not only enriches our lives, but helps us to distance ourselves from the emotionally unavailable people. My closest friend Tina, who is also getting over a heart-break, helped me to recognize that if someone really likes you and truly cares for you — it will be a two-way street and you will feel good emotions — you will feel loved For example, for my birthday last week, she gave me two very sentimental gifts — including a beautiful blanket that she made for me, and she initiate calls, emails, suggestions to do things, etc. And while it’s just a very close friendship at the moment with Tina, it’s illustrative of a healthy relationship. And because of a solid support system, and in particular the love and support of my closest friend Tina, it helped me to break free of the vicious cycle with Lisa. We all need attachments in life — we are social creatures at our core — we need to develop the healthy attachments and not stay stuck on unhealthy attachments to emotionally unavailable people. I hope that this helps a little. God bless.
Ashley
i know exactly how you feel. i to have made the choice not to see my eum, i actually do believe its what i want and that it is the correct choice. however sometimes when i am sitting alone, like now, i yearn for him, then i argue with myself that to go back to that would be idiotic.
unfortunately for me my eum never lied to me, so i feel that the mistakes made were mine not his, and worse still i dont regret any of it. would i do it again? No.
i too have fantasies, but i now except then for what they are just fantasies, dreams, i know they colud never come true, and also believe that if they did come true i would run a mile, i dont want a relationship, i think thats what attracted me to him in the first place, he was safe because he was unatainable.
he called me on saturday night, and invited me out, i declined, he said no strings just friends, that he missed my sinse of humour and my smile. i sent him a picture and a joke, saying that should keep him going for a while, but that i was busy and wasnt coming out. i did want to go, but choose what i hoped was the smarter path.
i miss him because i like the way i feel when i am with him but when i am not with him i am miserable. he reminds me of me so i am spending time with me. the real me.
Hi Deb:
What you said struck a chord with me. I can understand that you do not want a relationship at this time, and that is perfectly fine — you have to do what is right for you. But from what you have said about your dreams, etc., it seems that deep down, you do want a relationship, but your fear is greater than your desire and it is your fear that is holding you back. And I can understand and please know that I am not judging you because I have been there myself. And I may be wrong, but it appears that it is also this fear that keeps us stuck on our emotionally unavailable person. In other words, we stay in our comfort zone because of fear instead of stepping out in faith and trying something new. And when this happens, we don’t need a new relationship at the moment, we need to get ourselves healthy — and this means building back a strong and healthy support network with our family and friends, and when this happens, we won’t feel so lonely and then when we are ready, we pick healthier people because we are in a healthier position ourselves. And by allowing ourselves to ultimate find good, healthy attachments, we let go of the bad ones. In other words, we can’t just try to ignore a bad habit and leave a void, we need to replace the bad habit with a good habit. God bless you and I wish you all the best, Deb.
david
i think you just put into words what i was trying to say, and to add something, i always felt with him that i couldnt hurt him because he didnt really care, and he was like that bar of chocolate that us non chocolate eaters want, we only take out it of the cupboard when we have pmt and need a fix, just sometimes though the chocolate is not as satisfying as we would like, now i sound like forest gump.
Debi, thanks for making me chuckle but I do know exactly what you mean!
David – Lisa is a parasite who on that occasion you ended up rewarding with undeserved attention although I understand your concern about the grandmother. The trouble is, I doubt Lisa even registers your thoughtfulness or concern in referencing this and in actual fact, it is a ploy to elicit response – It’s a bit of passive aggressive behaviour by email that shames you into contacting her. Personally, I highly recommend you cut 100% contact and let Lisa go and take a run and jump. You would be surprised what these people do with 1% because contact is contact.
People like these cross lines and the key is to stop making their problems your problems and to eradicate them from your lives. Then the door is totally closed and your boundaries remain intact.
Ashley – It’s funny because today’s post is very relevant to your situation and what you need to accept is that whilst your guy is a manipulative user, you keep placing expectations and potentials on a relationship and connection that doesn’t exist between you both. Until you fully accept that you are the maintainer of the connection, he has a way in. Like David, your exes problems are his own, not yours. You owe him nothing other than a proverbial kick in the teeth by cutting the contact. Stop hoping, stop fantasising, stop chasing, and accept that this is what it is and that you should wash your hands of him. x
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