A few months ago, I spent 45 very long minutes circling over Heathrow airport waiting for a slot to open up so that we could land. It’s very irritating and yet I realise that like many people, in the past I’ve been trapped in a holding pattern waiting around for that slot to open up so I can take up what I feel is my rightful spot in the relationship I envision.
Every day I read comments, emails and Facebook postings that are code for:
“I’m still waiting for you”
“I’m waiting for you to make up your mind about me”
“I’ll be right here waiting for you if you ever decide you want me”
“I’m waiting for you to spontaneously combust into being available/commitment ready/a better person/to leave your spouse or partner”.
And in particular “I know you think you can do better, but when you find out that you can’t, I’m here waiting for you”.
Here’s the thing: Waiting around for someone to make up their mind about you, to dignify you with contact, a relationship, decency, a change of self or whatever, devalues you. If you’ve been living your life in limbo waiting around, you’re breaking a fundamental personal boundary that will erode at your self-esteem.
It’s like buying a lottery ticket every Wednesday and Saturday and waiting in week after week for your numbers to come up. When people tell you you should come out, do something different, not play the numbers this week, you decline because you’re scared that the one time that you don’t is the one time that you’ll win. Your rationale is that life will begin once you win the lottery so you’ve invested yourself in the fantasy. Sometimes you win three or four numbers but you never hit the jackpot. One day you realise that you’ve literally wasted your life gambling on some seriously long odds. You thought the risk would be worth the reward but you end up regretting putting all of your eggs in a basket without a base…
If you’re waiting around for someone, you’re waiting for your numbers to come up. Unfortunately the fact that you have to wait in itself demonstrates that there isn’t enough or anything going on right now.
You’ve decided that this is what you want irrespective of any treatment and what them not being in a relationship with you now actually indicates, and this is incredibly dangerous, especially when they’re off living their merry life and you’re sitting there dutifully waiting or living the half life in pseudo relationships waiting for them to come back so you can race off into the sunset.
I heard from a reader who has broken off three engagements to three different men to go back to someone who has broken off their relationship and their engagement three times. If you can leave three relationships to go back to someone that’s flakier than a bad case of eczema, this in itself shows you were never really invested because you were passing time waiting for the one you really want to come back.
Here’s the thing: If you wait around for someone, let them boomerang in and out of your life, move onto new partners, and treat you like a ‘less than’ person, do you think they think:
“Wow, what a loyal, loving person they are.”
or
“They can’t be that great if they’ll put up with me treating them like this and rejecting the relationship and them time and again”.
Let me assure you that waiting around isn’t a sign of loyalty and love – it’s a sign of denial, avoidance, and low self-esteem.
Waiting around says “I don’t consider myself a valuable, worthwhile enough person to go and live my life without this person who doesn’t actually want me or the relationship I want with them. I’d rather fanny away my life and time that I don’t value hoping they’ll see the light because I don’t believe I can do better plus I’d rather avoid feeling ‘full’ rejection at any costs”.
Waiting around says “I have nothing better to do with my time”.
Waiting says “You’re free to reject me and come and go whenever they you like”.
Waiting says “I’m an option for you whenever you feel like it”.
When you convey that you’re a fallback option to whip out of their back pocket on a rainy day, that they’re able to contact you and pick up where they left off without much hassle, and you continue to believe in and keep them on a pedestal no matter what, you’ve communicated all the wrong things about yourself.
It’s much easier to convey that you’re a valuable, worthwhile person through action – sitting around, going through the motions of life, and selling yourself short don’t do that. Having a line, knowing the line, accepting that they can’t give you what you want and having more faith and confidence in you rather than them and living your life does communicate it.
I’ve also recently heard from people tying themselves up in knots waiting for someone they’ve just met to call – go out! Stop waiting around! You’re not in a relationship! Why would you remove yourself off the market, mentally and figuratively and bet on so much potential with someone who said they were going to call you?
How can you have so much invested in nothing more than an expression of interest?
You deserve better than waiting around for someone and while some people will be brazen enough to ask you to wait, often these are decisions you make off your own back because you’re ignoring vital information, have decided you know better and prefer your fantasy.
Waiting means avoiding experiencing a ‘fail fail‘ or a ‘rejection rejection’. The longer you wait, the crappier you feel and the harder it is to stop waiting because you then reason that so much time has passed that to stop waiting now would be waste of all the previous time spent waiting and you feel like you’ve invested too much to stop.
While it will hurt to stop waiting, it’ll hurt a damn sight less than if you continue waiting and refuse to accept reality. You’re better than being the person that they come back to after exhausting all other options. Don’t let them ‘settle’ for you after they discover that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Why would you wait for them to sort themselves out with an ex?
You’re better than waiting to be chosen – in healthy relationships, you mutually choose each other and get on with it.
Waiting around is disrespectful and anyone who does expect you to wait for them is saying “I don’t love or care about you enough to value you and not marginalise you in a half life waiting for me. I’m afraid that if I let you go, I might change my mind and I won’t have the option of you so I’d rather have you wait. Just in case.”
Stop waiting around. It’s like gambling with your life. That fear that they’ll spontaneously combust into a better person in a better relationship with someone else is misplaced because just like fear mean it’s not happening, waiting around means it (the relationship) isn’t happening either.
Remember, while you’re waiting around, it means you’re unavailable for an available relationship.
Your thoughts?
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one salient characteristic of most men – they go for what they want unswervingly and overtly.
So if they’re not going for “it” (you), you should not stand around waiting for “it” (him). It does not prove anything admirable about us to be waiters without a cause (or a clue).
I wasted my twenties and a fair chunk of my thirties but I learned. And I found out along the way that breakups have better outcomes (for me) if they stay broken – crisp clean breaks.
Good stuff! I’ve had my fair share of assclowns in the past expecting me to be a loyal dog while they got their sh*t together, and would come to find out later that they were doing anything but. And have any of you ladies ever had a guy that you weren’t interested in wait around for you? That happened to me a couple of times, and it put an enormous amount of pressure on me, to the point where I was pretty much physically repulsed. One guy bugged me for years to go out with him, and would follow me around until I was drunk to try to make out with me, thinking that would “get me”. And I’m not going to lie, sometimes I would, because I was…drunk. But mostly it was just annoying. I finally went on an official date with him, (after he called me 3 times and I caved into ill-advised advice from family and friends to quit being so “bitchy” and “picky”) told him he was a nice guy, but it just wasn’t going to work and used the excuse that he lived in another country to soften the blow. One month later he QUIT HIS JOB AND MOVED….and is still unemployed. This was a decent looking guy, nice guy who will make someone else a great boyfriend. But for me, it just wasn’t there. And the fact that he uprooted his entire life and didn’t want to date anyone else (so his friends told me) to try to be with me did NOT make want to be with him. It made me want to avoid him. Forever. THAT put me in a tailspin, but in a good way. It was like having a carnival fun house mirror help up to my face. I’d never done anything that drastic, but I know I had been guilty in the past of not taking a hint from other guys, thinking I knew better, wondering if I had this or took that kind of job, hoping they would come around if they just got to know me, trying to manipulate times to be together, etc. NEVER again after that. Don’t be that girl. Live your best life for yourself, and the person who belongs it will get there on his own!!!
Oh, I’m so excited. I’m not going to be waiting around this 4th of July for the ex mm to slot me into his busy schedule. My daughter texted and called and wants me to come to the East Coast. I’m booked on a flight and into a cool hotel 2 miles from her apt. Apparently, it is the only hotel with a roof top pool. I wouldn’t expect anything less from my kid. I’m skipping around the house with glee…I’m not waiting for him to slot me into his busy schedule. Is there a song about how we AREN’T waiting? I’m not waiting. I wish I were a poet and could make words and the emotions go together. Thank you Natalie. I’m not waiting. How liberating. Thank you.
Good for you! It is really liberating when you don’t wait for someone, when you take control of your own life and stick two fingers up at things that have been holding you back.
‘I’m coming out’ by Dianna Ross is a really good song to listen to in this kind of mood. More about ‘doing’ than ‘not waiting’, but the gist is the same.
Have a great 4th of July!
Runnergirl!
Isn’t it great not waiting? I feel your happiness. Hope you have a wonderful time!
My ex boyfriend of just a month and a half long relationship (though I guess we were involved for about 2 and a half total), also my first relationshipt, is still contacting me periodically after four months of being broken up, albeit from the safety of his computer screen. he’s so concerned with being “amicable”; but only in text or chat, certainly not in person where instead of saying hello he pouts. when he asked to be friends in a text sent to me at 3am following a college party we both attended, I initially stuck to NC but broke a week later and told him he had the option of coming back when he wanted a relationship or staying away. That was a month ago, and he’s contacted me so often since, once I finally went totally NC and he didn’t get a weekly confrontation or chat or something or other. It’s confusing to me, because I still obviously have feelings for him, and I tried to make that clear, hoping that in the least it would scare him off from contacting me with mixed messages, but he chatted me to compliment my haircut and called about whether I owned flip flops with owls on them (stuff was given back months ago) and texted about a dvd i needed to come get even though he’d had it for three months by then and I’d forgotten about it. It’s really difficult, I have been relying on “feelings,” unfortunately, hoping maybe these are small signs he’ll come back. I need to realize he won’t respect me if he knows I’m waiting around. It will help me in any and every event to just see what happens with the new guy I’ve been talking to this summer, to go out more, to stop thinking of him every single second and get off Facebook instead of hovering on chat hoping the next time he gets on he’ll talk to me again.
It’s also difficult because he is the first and currently only person with whom I have unequaled banter any time we talk. So every time he talks to me and starts off on some funny tangent and I have to hold myself back from “lol”ing in conversation, I remember how much I miss him. But I have to stop waiting for him. It’s only hurting me and honestly I’ve never felt so horrible as I have since this all began. If he would’ve just left me alone I might’ve been over him by now but what with his “am I allowed to ask how you are” and other such messages I am weakened yet again.
As usual, your articles help me immensely in trying to…
Kelly
You’re not “lol”ing very much now though. All this witty banter stuff is worthless. Tell him to get lost. His jerking you around post-relationship is already longer than the actual relationship. Sounds like this is what he wanted all along, some no-strings ego-stroking.
Don’t wait for him to do the right thing for you. He’s already proven he can’t. Do it for yourself. Stop waiting for him.
And careful with new guy. New relationships that overlap previous relationships tend not to work out. In my experience, they’ve been even worse than the relationship I was running from.
Thanks NML for a great post. I think the thing that struck me most was that waiting around made me feel very devalued. And when I place all of my plans and hopes (and need for validation) on the actions/nonactions of another person, it just is not good. I am so much stronger with every day and having the ability to say “pass” to a new opportunity that is not what I want, well, that is a really good feeling. I am complete just as I am and being in a relationship is not the only defining attribute of my life. Taking control of my life (and frequent readings of BR) is important – instead of “what can I do for him” – it is now “what next steps are there for me” and “does this fit into my current plans for my life”.
I have gotten to the point that I can say to myself about my EUM – “I wish him well – just stay over there, away from me.”
I think taking control and ending things was a real problem for me in the past and, although i was waiting for him to be a better person, i was also *waiting* for him to end it. I would much rather have been passive. I was definitely guilty of thinking ‘if he doesn’t want to be with me, why doesn’t he end it!?’. I didn’t want to take responsibility and be accountable, i would much rather have been swept up by the tide and been powerless. I didn’t have faith enough in myself to believe that, if i made the choice to walk away, it was definitely the right choice. I would second guess and doubt and think i’d made a mistake. That’s how i ended up back with the ex EUM after ending things and getting dumped by email for my trouble! The funny thing was that, when that happened, i thought ‘right, NOW i’m done’. Why didn’t i think that before, when i had ended things?!
I think it’s not just about waiting for them to be a better person, i think a lot of us wait for them to take control of the situation, to ‘put us out of our misery’, to give us closure after the fact. There is a whole lot of waiting going on! A lot of women out there who are waiting for the guy to make the situation clear, to give closure, to say goodbye, to finally commit. Why are we so scared to walk away and then STAY away? Walking away is only half the battle, having the strength to STAY away is even tougher in my opinion. You get the initial high of going NC – that ‘Yay, i’ve taken control! Up yours assclown!’ feeling, but *keeping* the faith and sticking to your decision, reassuring *yourself* that you are right, giving yourself closure, convincing yourself that he won’t change and that you are NOT missing out – that to me is the hardest part. Sorry if i’ve gone off topic!
“think a lot of us wait for them to take control of the situation, to ‘put us out of our misery’, to give us closure after the fact…..to make the situation clear, to give closure, to say goodbye”
That was me exactly. And after all the hell my ex EUMs put me thru, in a way dumping me was the best thing (read: wake up call) they ever did for me.
I’m guilty of doing this same thing. While I was dating the ex-bf, towards the end, he started acting inconsiderate, disrespectful, inconsistent, and just plain like he really didn’t care. I accused him a few times of doing it to get ME to break up with HIM. Of course, he denied it, then ultimately broke up with me. But I gave all the power to him. It was like, as long as his unacceptable behavior didn’t mean he wanted to end things, then I was staying, and waiting for things to get better. Sad, but true.
I hate it when guys act all cold and distant to get you to break up with them! But then again i have been guilty of doing the same thing myself, just not deliberately. When i was in the above mentioned 6 yr healthy relationship and wanted to leave, i did get very cold and distant and sometimes a bit cruel, because, again, i didn’t want to take responsibility and end it. I even wished – how effed up is this – that he would cheat on me or something, so that i would have an ‘excuse’ to leave!! I really shake my head and go crimson with shame at the way i flaked out on responsibility like that. Eventually i did leave, but not before acting like a bit of a twat!
I wonder whether it’s a generational thing (early 30s) or whether it’s the way society is nowadays that people just don’t take responsibility for themselves and pass the buck, or expect someone else to come in and fix everything, either by sorting things out, or by ‘changing’. I call it ‘fairy godmother syndrome’ and have been thinking about this on my own journey.
minky
in my case “passing the buck” was due to pure and desperate cowardness at the thought of losing something oh so good but that I KNEW was oh so bad
Minky,
I couldn’r agree with you more. What you describe is precisely my experience of the situation… we are waiting for lots of different things – yes, waiting for him to end it; we feel that would be his responsibility since he is the one who doesn’t want it to work; we want it to work so we stay, waiting for him to do something about it all. It was a light bulb moment for me when I realised that it was not up to him to end it; he didn’t have a problem with the situation – I did – so it was actually up to me to end it. Sounds daft – but I am a daftie – and this was a revelation to me!
So to all the ladies in waiting… hovering in the recesses of the privvy chamber, waiting at His Majesty’s pleasure until you be required to attend upon Him… it’s time to take your leave, perchance!
Fearless – great to have you back. I thought of you often and wondered how you were getting on. Your empowering advice really helped me when i first found BR (10 months ago now – where has the time gone!?)
“I realised that it was not up to him to end it; he didn’t have a problem with the situation – I did – so it was actually up to me to end it.”
Yes! Definitely! I had this ephiphany too! I also had the realisation that, when embarking on a new relationship, i shouldn’t just worry about what they think of me, or whether i am meeting their needs, if they like me and want to be with me, i should also be considering whether I want to be with *them*, whether they are meeting *my* needs! I feel a little foolish that it’s taken me so long to learn what should be pretty common sense, but hey, at least i’m learning now.
runnergirl, the songs from the movie “Waiting to Exhale” come to mind. Those songs are all about letting that “bad” man go.
Kelly, for you the song “You Just Keep Me Hanging On”. He wants your around but only at his convenience and to stroke his ego.
I’m in a NC zone. I’m not counting the days because that makes me think too much of our last contact. My online emotional affair is very painful for me and so I am trying hard to stay away from emails and his website. Still planning to not send that Father’s Day card (need strength). He did contact me to wish me “God’s blessings” (what was that all about?-I didn’t reply) Planning to spend the weekend with my husband and discuss how I have been feeling. Wish me luck in communicating my pain (I won’t tell him about my EU man of course, but just about us). And I’ve read more about emotional affairs and they are hard to break. I hope I stay strong
Mine was as emotional as an affair can get and I so appreciate what you are experiencing because I am living it as we speak. It is really hard to break away – especially since they can tell when we are and try to pull us back! I realized that I needed the emotional and he needed the sex and not so much of the emotional. He was willing to fake the emotional stuff to get the sex. Stay strong you are not alone that’s for sure. You are not an option that he can have without any effort.
EmLaw
I didn’t see your comment. So you understand this emotiona affair too? It’s awful. I think if was sex, I would understand. But to only communicate via text and emails and forums. How crazy is that! They can say all the right things that your husband or real guy says but they are not there emotionally really. Only words. Whatever is missing in me, I need to deal with and get that emotional “fix” from my husband or recognize I didn’t marry the right guy.
I would love to hear more Diana! Its a totaly person addiction but loosing the cell phone and not being at his beckon call really helped a lot. That’s lazy communication we are way better than a two second text or email.
Diana,
Good for you in deciding to go NC with the online guy and good luck with your husband. Sometimes when I’m struggling with not breaking NC, I come here and read instead of emailing him. Cyberspace is a pain. There are a lot of us, unfortunately, in the same boat. You can do it because you are worth it. Also, have you read Natalie’s books? They really helped me.
Thank you for the song suggestions. I’m going to watch “Waiting to Exhale”, again. Good luck to you.
re: Father’s Day card; I’m here to really, really urge you NOT to send it!!! You’ll see I’ve thought this over already before…LOL. As with all excuses to break NC, focus on the urge, rather than act on it.
He’s not the father of your child/children — so the occasion really does not justify contact any more than a regular day. Put yourself in his shoes. Would it make your Father’s Day more special for feeling like the world is celebrating your parenting efforts — or would it be more likely to cause you to be reminded of some past affair? What the heck does that have to do with Father’s Day?! But you don’t really need me to tell you about switching perspectives… You said it yourself: “He did contact me to wish me “God’s blessings” (what was that all about?”
Good luck, stay strong!
Thought I was there ,but fell off the wagon again recently. The only joy this time round is, I know his behavior so well it’s predicable and no surprise.
One surprise for me though, is that I have learnt …
If I don’t call him- I don’t need to go into upset mode because his phone goes to voice mail , and my call’s not returned . Score one- nil in my favour
If I don’t sms him – I don’t need to wonder if he will reply or get feel upset if doesn’t .Score two- in my favour
If I don’t give my heart – he doesn’t have it to break .Score three -still in my favour
No opportunity for him to win a marathon in running, if I’m not chasing . Score four in my favor.
His ego isn’t going to cost my resspect , because I won’t pay it.
Score five in my favour -him still zero.
I could list many more examples , I want to add , I’m not seeing this as a relationship game participant looking to win , nor as a way to win his attention ..I’m just acknowldging that no contact makes me a winner…. in this journey called life.
there was a comment from a woman where she wrote that the EUM finally said he would never ever see her in real and that he is sorry he is hurting her with this……
LOL in his face
same story here…….i was with him for three years talking up to four times a day on the phone……..chatting …….my thoughts were all about him…..
he did let me down very often and in many cruel and mean ways…..
but i felt always this HOPE that one day he will change and will NEED to see me and will WANT to take the chance ……
hm……at least seeing me…….
however…….i changed my phone number today so he finally cant get in and out of my life anymore when he wishes to
i wonder why we women build these fairytales in our minds with prince charming that will safe us……..
we hope we wait we wish we long for and we dont wanna see those big big red flags
i dunno why so many intelligent special women on here are selling themselves under their real worth
i have the hope we can see clearly …..every day more with NC
ty Nat for this site
I even hesitate to ask for more info, but perhaps I really need to know, even if it’s painful it might be helpful as well… my affair with the EUA was 95% over the phone. My friends know of him as ‘the phone guy’ — not LD, as he lived in a city less than 45 mins from me and he would come to my city for errands many times without making plans to see me. He also spent more time talking to me than it takes to take me out on a date including commute time. It was obvious after some time that he preferred to conduct it exclusively over the phone… he claimed he was too busy… but it didn’t add up and it baffled me endlessly. I know so much detail about him that I doubt there was another woman (after all, all he did was talk about himself, for hours on end…) I couldn’t fit the whole situation into any category… is there a category? a label that describes this and shows I’m not the only one to be suckered into such a setup? is there a theory to explain specifically this dynamic?
Hi cavewoman, yes I can relate. It might as well been an LDR but guys like this are looking for the ego stroke. I used to get confused by them not actually wanting the physical shag but EU has its many forms. I know many people that text and call all the time but when it comes to face time all of a sudden there’s an excuse. The phone is an easy way to get an ego stroke and keep the intimacy barrier in tact.
Help:( My EUM has made contact after 6 months. Just when I think Im finally getting it all together and moving on. He starts contacting me again. I made the mistake of returning a text after a couple of weeks of ignoring. We ended up seeing each other and well…. one thing led to another:( I am freaking out…… all the obsessing I thought was in the past has reared its ugly head again. He says he has changed and realized he missed me and is sorry for treating me so bad. My heart says maybe he has finally changed but my head says…its another trick to get me to stoke his ego and give it up. He seemed different like maybe….but from everything I have read these guys just dont change their stripes. He is one of those AC’s that has a collection of female barnicles attached. I’m sure they are still there. I feel like maybe by giving me a romantic date and gettin it in he probably thinks we are ok (why wouldnt he). I wish I could flip a switch and cut him off. I have no control in regards to him.
Dawn, I know exactly how you feel. I was in an almost identical situation – i.e. he popped up after five months NC telling me he felt badly about how he treated me, how he was a new man, how everything was going to be different, etc. In my case, he hadn’t changed one bit – he was bs-ing about wanting a relationship and thought he was being a great guy for dignifying me with a “nicer” version of what was essentially a booty call/ego stroke. I would say go very slow and have your boundaries very firmly in place. Keep a close eye out for any passive-aggressive undermining of stuff he’s now promising! In any event, if he is in fact still a twit, you totally DO have control – you did it for six months and you can do it again if you have to! *Hugs*
Aw Dawn — really? Too little, too late! Six months in, he realizes he misses you? Honestly, let’s be realistic, he went on his merry way for six months! How badly could he have missed you? What the? He can shove it. You are worth way more.
It’s never too late to regain control. If I ever slip up, please tell me the same. You have the power to stop this backsliding right here right now. What happened doesn’t have to mean any more than you make it out to mean. You do NOT want the obsessing. You know how much better off you are without him.
Right now, click reply to this, and give us a list of at least 5 seriously awful things YOU DO NOT MISS about your past with him. Patterns, habits, character traits are better than isolated events… but anything that makes your stomach churn qualifies. Keep the list handy. (Shoot, I misplaced mine, but I know it filled both sides of a sheet of paper.) Then make plans to do something really nice for yourself in the next few days, a true treat — as a reward for getting back on the wagon.
You can do it!!!
Brilliant! Three years ago when an ex of mine left me I determined–at the age of 40– that I would no longer WAIT anymore, not for him, nor anyone else. I finally decided I would make good use of my single life. And I’ve gotta tell ya…it was the one of the best times of my life. WHen you’re not waiting, you’re living in the now. WHen you’re not waiting, you’re experiencing life on life’s terms. It’s a brilliant feeling.
At times, I will “kill time” waiting for my current bf to come home from work. But I try to snap out of that mindset and allow a more organic flow of time and experience to happen between us. I know this isn’t exactly the “waiting” you are referring to, but I am a recovering love addict. I know very well the waiting you’re talking about, but have finally seen the light! However, even after 3 years of a wonderful recovery, there’s still trace elements of the need to WAIT.
Good job in educating people on this! And you’re an awesome writer too.
I wasted five years of my life as a fallback option. Even though I had my “Enough” moment two years ago, there are still days when I am angry at him and myself for the five years I lost. I’m working to get past the anger, but it’s hard.
During those five years, I was emotionally unavailable myself, waiting around someone who would never love me back. I watched friends move on to more serious relationships and get married, while I stayed stalled. I wish I could do it all over, but I can’t.
Now, I’m just trying to get over my anger at all that wasted time and move on. I live in a very rural/suburban area, very hard for dating in your early 30s. Men are either totally afraid of commitment, baby daddies/recovering from their divorce, or seem very close-minded about the world. It’s been a struggle, reminding me of my bitterness regarding the time I wasted. I try not to feel so down, but after a recent breakup from another committphobe guy; I can’t help it.
Judy, keep reading and working on the reasons why you are/were EU and it will get easier. Anger will turn to understanding/acceptance. And EU behaviours will be standing out to you like alarm bells. Commitmentphobes will come knocking and you can look out your peephole at the joker and laugh, not even opening the door. We all have the ability to break this chain and become available ourselves allowing healthy people and relationships into our lives. Just by reading this site you are making more steps than most would ever do for self introspection… so congratulations and stick with it!
-Please help me, was I fast forwarded? Do I contact? NC? EMU? I dated my guy casually last year for about 3 months and discovered he was a month out of an engagement when we first went out. I asked him if he thought he was ready to date. Long story short he ended it after disappearing for two weeks and then saying that he wasnt developing the feelings he thought he should be. I was fine with that as we didn’t speak often and I dating was sporadic (the dates themselves were great).
We had no contact for the year and then ran into each other at Starbucks. He asked for another chance and then pushed for us to be boyfriend girlfriend since “we had already tried the dating thing.”
When he asked, I hesitated but finally agreed, we talked about what that meant (spending weekends together, how we should approach each other about making plans with our friends etc.) He told me he would try to stay emotionally availible and not pull away after two weeks. I asked him about that and he said he was kidding but sometimes when things get close, families mingling, hanging out with kids, etc he tends to pull away.
2 months went by and everything was great. No “I love yous” but lots of time building the relationship getting to know each other, doing sweet guy things like fixing the car or surprising me with tickets to a show. For his job he had to go out of state for a month to train. The weekend before he decided to make a garden for me in my backyard, spent time with my daughter, came up with a plan to rearrange my living room and disclosed all of his financial info (including somethings he was struggling with).
Leading up to his going out of town he became more distant. On the day he was leaving I txt him and asked if everything was okay saying I had noticed he was taking my calls or responding to txt’s and got a txt back saying, “yeah, just busy. Do we have to talk everyday?” I didnt respond. 6 hours later I txt to confirm our date, asking if we were still on for that evening. He wrote back, ‘I don’t think so it’s getting late and I am still hanging out with my kids.” I said ‘ok, have a great trip glad you got to spend time with your kids as an early father’s day present.:)”
It has been 4 days now and I have heard nothing…..I havent reached out to him. When we dated last time I randomly txt him after a couple of weeks of no contact and he wrote back, “Are you…
Cat
Abort mission. The “kids” excuse is a classic ruse. I love children and I would date a man with children but it’s pretty low to use them as an excuse for crap behaviour. He’s fast forwarded you somewhat but it looks like he has been consistently …. inconsistent. I think you fast-warded yourself. Four days without a word? Your next words to him should be along the lines of “Get lost and stop wasting my time you flip-flapping user” (or something more dignified if you prefer).
Disrespectful behavior Cat. Stand up for yourself now. It’s a big red flip flapping flag.
runnergirl and cavewoman,
Thank you for your encouragements. I think I might get Nat’s book. I was hoping to kick this need by myself, but some minutes (I don’t count the days, I change too much) I feel like I need to have that fix. And yes, sending a Father’s Day card would remind me of him and the pain. And then I would wait for a “thank you” from him that would probably make me happy for a sec and want to respond. I don’t even know how I became so attached, I thought I was cured of this pattern. But no matter, ending is what is most important. So, I’ll bite my nails and keep off his website and not look at my email (I had a special email address just for him). Pathetic I know.
Good post NML. Thanks for your site. I have been reading it for years now and it has given me the courge to walk away many times before. I have always fallen back and he knows that/says that, so when I say I am done he doesn’t take it seriously. I am still waiting though. I shall read this daily and perhaps it will give me the courage to walk away from the MM. He wants to see me this weekend and I have held off/been too busy, for 3 weeks now. I have told him that I can not feel this way or do this anymore. I know it will make no difference if I don’t see him, he will never leave her. I know that at this point I need to do this for myself. I think I need a 12 step program for love.
@ JennyLately/ FOR THE YOUNGER WOMEN OUT THERE;I am one of those woman. I am 53, my daughter is off to college in 2 months and he is still with his wife. Ten years off and on we have gone. I started seeing him when I was married, left my husband 6 years ago (not for him-for me) and have had other relationships. I always end back with him.
I say to the younger women, please head the advise here. PLEASE, wasting time at 19? 29? You have your whole life ahead of you. I am 53 now and I see men my age dating younger woman-your age. It sucks but I hope out there in the world there is a man for me who will treat me with respect and who I will love too. Go to therapy now! Work out those issues NOW!
Sharon: Yeah, quite a few women my age (early thirties) date guys in their fifties. When I was younger, I used to think: OMG, this means my time is running out! Will I have to date a guy 20 years older if I “fail” to snatch one my age up before 30? What if I’m 50 and guys my age want someone 20 years younger?
This is BS. I don’t know what drives all those guys who date much younger women, but I’m sure in most cases it’s nothing healthy (sex is one thing, but a serious relationship???). I guess many of them are AC/EUM who resort to younger women because they seem easier to manipulate. Plus, it’s nice to know there is somebody young who is going to take care of you once you get old (and who will in all likelihood die lonely herself).
I think it’s much better to be single than to end up with a guy like this. It’s worth waiting and looking for the decent ones, no matter what age we are. After all, being single isn’t that bad either.
I’m not saying all relationships with 20 years age gap are bad. But I’ve seen many which seemed disfunctional.
Sharon,
I don’t profess to know much about the details, but just going by the two comments above of yours that I have read I feel I need to comment about one thing that seems to work (for me) in this ‘waiting game’ is to understand that this man DOES NOT CARE about how this entrenched relationship is affecting you, your life or your future. He will do it anyway. You need to get this – that YOU are responsible for caring about you – not him. The last thing you should be waiting for is for him to care about how all of this is affecting you and to do something about it for you. It’s working well enough *for him*! You can tell him till the cows come home – you can tell him till you both die if you like – that you cannot do this anymore or feel like this anymore – he does not really care – it is YOU who has to care.
And telling him you can’t do this anymore and then continuing to do it is to be the woman who talks too much but does nothing. He is not paying any attention to what you say about not being able to do it anymore – why would he, when you say one thing and do another? Either you are in or you are out. You (like me) need to get to grips with your situation – he is not ‘in’ – you are ‘in’, and you are ‘in’ all by yourself; you are riding solo expecting someone who is not on the horse to take over the reins. If you want someone to care that you can’t feel this way or do this anymore, you had better start caring – yourself. Realise you are on your own in the caring about you stakes… I have started to see that and it has helped me no end.
I am my only hope. And your only hope is you.
Good luck to you.
Thank you for this post, NML, and the rest of the site – I only discovered it the other day. My epiphany came long ago and I’ve been looking for answers for some time but only now am I breaking up with my EUM after 3 years of crumbs. God this hurts
( Anyway, off to the break-up section with me… thanks again.
I’ve been playing the waiting game for three and a half years. We were working together for most of it, which was my ‘justification’ for why it wasn’t progressing, but four months ago the company went bust. I was apprehensive to see how this would change his behaviour towards me. At first he was seeing me much more regularly, constantly texting to ask if I was okay, and even gave me money to help me out. The cynical side of me wondered if he feared losing me now he wasn’t seeing me on a daily basis, and was upping the ante to make sure I was still interested. This last month he seems to have ‘relaxed’ back into his old ways a bit, not contacting me as often (and I have resisted contacting him first), and been a little bit disrespectful – moody and teasingly critical, taking it for granted he can pop round for sex, etc.. I’m aware of my own self esteem and rejection issues, and have started thinking hard about his behaviour, and looking for ways to change the dynamics and see what effect it has on him. We used to mainly text, so I’ve started calling instead of replying by text. It seems to be working and he’s calling more. I’ve also been pulling him up more when I’m not happy with how he treats me. He’s not a bad man, just doesn’t make much effort and I make it way too easy for him. That’s something I’m changing too, but I find it hard because I do still want it to ‘blossom’. I compare his behaviour to that of my friends and say to myself “how would I react if a friend did that?” and use that as my guide. The big question when you’re not sure how much of an EUM he is is how long do you wait? I’m seeing this as a transitional phase, and have told myself I’ll wait til our fourth anniversary. I do live my own life in the meantime, and look out for other men, but I’m one of those people who really craves love, affection, and companionship. My previous relationships have all been emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically abusive, which makes me fearful of the frying pan/fire scenario. My current man is far more of a Man than his predecessors, which is why I think I find it hard to walk away. Judgement suspended for now… Am I doing the right thing?
Crazybaby,
reading your comment reminds me of excatly how my own mind worked with my Mr EU…I waited for it to ‘blossom’… (I went through periods of clarity – often – and I would not see him during those times – but I always reverted back to ‘denial’ – to comfortable);
I found justifications for everything, like ‘this is better than nothing’, ‘I am not putting my life on hold anyway’ (but actually I was, I see that now), ‘if I just hang in there it’s bound to all come good’ and ‘I’ll give it until…next whatever’. Giving it until next whenever is always extended to the next whenever…and the next whenever… Nat is absolutely correct – the more you invest, the more you think you still need to invest to make good on your investment and to avoid admitting that the whole thing is a big mistake for you; you become like a dog with a bone and the whole thing, so long as you do it, is devaluing *you* and eroding your seense of self worth, so the more you wait to have yourself validate etc… it’s a terrible vicious circle and we need to just opt out.
I would say, you should go back and read Nat’s blog here – over and over until you see yourself in it. You seem to be doing this bit (as I was):
“I’ll be right here waiting for you if you ever decide you want me”
and
“I’m waiting for you to spontaneously combust into being available and commitment ready”
There’s one thing I read of Nat’s just recently that really hit a big chord with me, which I now can’t find, but it was something like this: You shouldn’t wait around for a relationship that, if it was going to happen, would be happening *NOW*. Why is the relationship not happening *now*? Why are these men “stalling”? They are not stalling – we juts like to imagine that is what it is. They are simply not offering us the relationship we want – he is not stalling – this is it, Crazybaby, this IS the relationship; this is as good as it gets. Trust me. I have come to see clearly that there is no-one ‘stalling’ in my EU involvement except for ME! And the only person stalling in yours is *you*
Good luck.
crazyb
you’re falling into the trap of making his limited contribution about you. as fearless says, this is it. it doesn’t matter if you pull him up, or not. if you are clingy. or not. if you manipulate him. or don’t. he will always bring the relationship back to the status quo that HE is happy with. Ultimately, he has that power because you care deeply and he … doesn’t. What kind of effed up situation is that?
yes, it’s been three and a half years, which seems significant but in your gut you know it’s NOT significant.
Think of it this way. You have an employee who frequently turns up late and skips home early. Some days they don’t even bother turning up at all. They say they will turn stuff in, and they don’t. How many chances do you give them? But you’ve already paid them x amount of salary. And they’re not as bad as the previous employee. And they have so much potential!
Just fire him already.
Yes, Grace, thanks for reminder…I did it all…and got nothing but pain and frustration – of an intensity I never imagined existed; crazybaby, with these guys you may as well stand outside in the cold every night and howl at the moon. Seriously.
Am I waiting??
There’s a really cute guy, who pays me loads of attention & flirts and compliments me etc etc. So were friends. He is seeing a girl but says when he moves into his own place that he’ll invite me over and we spoke about going out into the town he’s moving into together. Now I really like him, want to continue the freindship -and whilst I would like more, I’m not going to get initimate with this guy as he has a girl. However I’m also thinking its maybe *not* a good idea to go out with him for the evening either or go to his new place -even as friends. Coz: A) I would like more (but it’s not realistic atm and I dont want to be a post ex emotional airbaig for him either). B) It’s not fair to his gf surely? – Which potentially make him a bit of an a/c…
Please help me with some advice here ladies
Lost Energy,
I think you are answering your own question here:
A) I would like more (but it’s not realistic atm and I dont want to be a post ex emotional airbaig for him either).
B) It’s not fair to his gf surely? – Which potentially make him a bit of an a/c
If he wants to be “friends” with you tell him to invite the girlfriend along for your evenings out – and you can all be friends thegither! I bet that’d go down like a lead balloon.
Hi Fearless,
lol.
Thanks for your reply,
I’d love to see his face if I suggested bringing his girlfriend too
Yes I guess my doubts are all relevant, probably just another case of me wanting to keep the rose coloured glasses on and feel flattered by the attention of a guy I like.
Definitely best to keep out of the new pad, night out territory I think. Thanks for the back up, was needed before I let myself get carried away in the wrong direction.
Hi Nat/Ladies,
It’s uplifting reading the post and related comments. ..
I’m also stuck in a waiting situation. We’ve broken up for 3 months. During these times, he’s has been the one who called and suggested lunch/dinner. We met and talked and shared and it always feels like the connection is still there. Needless to say, I’m still deeply, madly , truly in love with him and have been wishing we could get back together from day 1 after the breakup. Through the meetings and talks, he admits that he still loves me but is not ready for a commited relationship/getting back together because he wanna make sure that we are meant for each other and wanna wait for a sign from God that i’m the one. He suggests we keep communicating/meeting once a week to see how things and feelings go, yet at the same time saying we should not expect anything, should be open to life, etc … It hurts and it’s unfair for me, I KNOW it, but my heart cannot do what my mind tells me to do. I miss him every waking hour. I ache for him and long for him every minute of my day and night. I can’t stop loving him and hoping. The hope is so fragile yet so strong. I’ve tried all the things suggested to get over a breakup but I find it so hard to really move on mentally. I find no interest in anything I do. I can’t sleep and eat well. I know I need to love myself more. But how can I move on when he’s everywhere in my heart, in my mind. I feel helpless without him. I need a strong dose of self-love and self-esteem boost. Please share with me how you ladies move on and fight the pain, the longiness and the need for him. Please share with me how you find joy in daily activities and life again. I don’t want to get counselling and be on medication…. I know that I have to move on, stop HOPING and waiting, but so far it’s soo hard to do… Please show me how and what to do.
After realising that I wasn’t EVER likely to get my needs met I went sheer NC…I did let him know it. It isn’t EVER easy to let go of one your heart loves…but your self-love is essential as well. IF you go No Contact you will miss the man, you will question yourself, you will go through rough times…but it gets better. Clarity and peace come. Anger comes but lessens. You realise after awhile that you did learn some things, you did love, you didn’t have the relationship that you want, and you develop the boundaries and tools needed for the rest of your life. You can love someone from a distance. There are no guarantees in love…but I would definately advise to stick to your own decisions regarding wanting a commitment and not settling for crumbs which is how I’m perceiving your guy’s “offer”…it won’t allow you what you want and it won’t allow you closure and it won’t free you to pursue what you do want…set him free and free yourself. Experience the pain, read the posts and comments on this site. Order “The No-Contact Rule”, subscribe to her mailings, order Nat’s other books. Learn about you. It does get better but to have the eventual freedom of the result you must go through the process. It hurts but heals.
Tonkin
You’ve got to stop seeing him. Ideally break off all contact. Definitely no sex.
I missed my ex IN MY SLEEP but did get over it eventually. It took over three years even though I didn’t see him. Even the occasional text or looking on FB was enough to set me back. I had to go on medication and get counselling. I’d hate for anyone else to go through the same and if there is no let up I suggest you do see a doctor.
You do have to cut contact, there’s no getting around that.
Thank you Fearless and NML. “that YOU are responsible for caring about you” and you are right. My therapist has been telling me this for 6 months now. You are also right Fearless that he will never get it. Why should he. He has the best of both worlds, his cake and he’s eating it too and all this things NML has said and I have repeated to him ( even gave am an article she wrote once!). LOL
Although he feels bad that I am sad and want more–it not enough. He cannot see what I sacrifice. He is so confident. Friday night after I posed that comment I sat at a cafe across from a party I wanted to be at. He was there since it was for someone he worked with and I told him I didn’t want to go due to the drama and because it was his work friends and some family. I sat there thinking-I am the one sacraficing. I became so depressed sitting there and when I text him didn’t respond. I had already told him that I was unhappy and hadn’t seen him for 3 weeks. All these little things contributed to me ending things on SAt night.
NML is right, there is a lot of time invested and we do have something,whatever it is, special between us. What has kept me here is the belief that I will not find anyone else that makes me feel this way.
I am 53, I have been told I am beautiful and I am intellegent and have a great job. I own my own home and have a daugher going off to a state University with high honors in 2 months. I have my whole life ahead of me with very little holding me back now. If I am alone, then so let it be.
I have boundries with other men but not with MM, probably because of the TIME factor like NML has said. I feel there are no avaialble men that I want to date in my little town in upstate NY. I see them dating younger woman, although I look 10 yrs younger. He loves me but nothing is going to change. I know this but he loves himself much more and told him he should start shoping for my replacement now. He said no one can replace me. hahaha
When I went no contact with him last year for 7 months he did, and it was one of the wivies outside his wife’s network of friends. (I am the only one who knows this bomshell but I will not tell-I am above that) When we started talking again it only took 2 months before he was in my bed again. And by Christmas I was “in” again. And this is they way it has cycled for 10 years now. Sick I am. I know in 2 to 4 weeks he…
You can do better. You must. He is a heel. Let him go. Heal yourself. Expand your sights outside of your present environment…there are many unattached men…check on the dating websites once you are healed and check out men from all over…look in the pond of the world and get out of the mud-puddle you’ve been bathing in. Don’t waste anymore of your precious time…the sooner you really let go the sooner you will fly free. Read Nat’s books and take this time to walk towards the rest of your life without being part of a jack-ass’s entourage; he is SO not worth it. He is married. Let him go.
Sharon,
Do you imagine that if he could just *SEE* how crap this situation and all this waiting is for you that he will (hey presto!) do something about it? He won’t. You are not telling him anything he does not already know, or anything he is even very interested in – all he hears is ‘complaints’; the MM knows what the situation is better than OW does; it is the OW who playing blind man’s buff with these guys (you will see that in time)
And why are you trying to enlighten him, anyway? Is your own judgement not good enough for you? Why do you need him to ‘agree’? – You already know that the situation is crap FOR YOU. It is not crap for him – that is the point here. You are two seperate people. Your experience is not his experience. Your ‘sacrifices’ are not his sacrifices. Your needs are not his needs. Your misery is not his misery. He is having his cake and eat it; he likes the status quo.
The problem here Sharon (and I sympathise; I was in similar mindset) is not that he doesn’t understand how frustated you are, it’s that you don’t understand that it is not his problem. It is yours.
Sharon, you said, “What has kept me here is the belief that I will not find anyone else that makes me feel this way”. Let’s hope not?
Good luck
sorry to push in again (but I’m on a roll!) – but Sharon, see this that you say: “NML is right, there is a lot of time invested and we do have something…special between us.” The whole point is that your invested time in him is a *mistake* – a terrible mistake – you may not see it – yet, but you will, eventually.
He is not an honest man in a bad situation – you need to get that -there’s no such thing as an ‘honest cheater’. He’s been lying to his wife and to you for years – that’s the nature of what you are involved with. And the more you invest the less you want to admit to yourself that it is not that special, that in fact you are *wrong* about him and the relationship – wrong to have invested in him and wrong to stay invested.
Thanks to Nat I think I actually see that now – though I took my time! But *I was wrong*! And the highest leap I needed to take to get there was to finally admit to myself that my Mr EU is not the man I thought (or hoped or wanted) him to be. I was wrong about him and I sooooo did not want to be wrong – that was my worst case scenario, so I buried it, and it surfaced, and I buried it.,,and I waited and I hoped and I waited… for him to show me I wasn’t wrong. But he can’t do that, because I was wrong. And I know I am getting it because for the first time – ever -in ten years – I have lost all desire to ‘explain’ anything to him at all, to make him inderstand or to even engage with him… what’s to say? Nuffin’
Sharon & Fearless,
Thank you for your posts. Sharon, our stats track. 52, involved with MM for 2 years, daughter off to college, and my whole life ahead of me.
Sheesh Fearless, you are so spot on. I am in awe. He was not miserable. I was miserable. I was trying to convince him of how miserable it was for me but, of course, he couldn’t hear me because it wasn’t miserable for him. Sharon, they are having their cake and eating it too. Why would they be miserable?
Fearless, thank you. I’m getting it. We were separate people with separate needs. His needs were met; mine weren’t and no amount of waiting or talking would ever remedy that fact. It was like trying to submerge a giant beach ball in a swimming pool. It kept popping up no matter how I tried and waited. I was simply plain wrong. I made a huge mistake in becoming involved with a MM. Shoot, shoot, shoot. He had to have been lying to me too…that is so hard to accept. No such thing as an honest cheat! I’m glad you are on a roll Fearless, your post smacked me upside the head. Hugs to you Sharon. This sucks big time.
You are not alone in making the MM mistake! I am currently working out of an insane situation with one as we speak. MM needs are getting met – and they could care how it effects you. Been there done that…they feel sorry that we are hurting but they don’t do anything to change anything. The truth hurts…if they truely cared about us they would be with us and they would do everything in their power to show us 24/7 – they don’t! They will throw us crumbs, future fake, blow hot and cold all to keep us on the line so they can keep having their cake and eating it too! You need to disengage…it may be a slow process but move away from them and the drama they create. It was very very hard for me but the simple fact that I wasn’t crying at my desk daily was a good clue I was doing the best thing for me. We have to be the ones to get out of these situations. Read and post on BR every day. It helps soooo much.
Runnergirl (glad to be of any help), Emlaw
Seems this topic has caught my interest. Until you go NC, you don’t see the wood for the trees. My Mr EU is not married – but all sameprinciples apply. I did have a ‘thing’ with an MM 15 yrs ago (me EU? Yes, I think so! Am at least now aware of it). I know exactly where you are all coming from. When you are in the middle of it with MM you have moved in lock stock and barrel to your new home – in cloud cuckoo land!
We cannot grasp the reality that our involvement with MM is NOT different from all the other “sordid” little affairs that everyone else is having. Yours IS that sordid little affair. You can love him, pine for him, wait for him all you want for as long as you want – it will not change the fact that he is Mr Wrong! And you are Mrs Head-in-the-Clouds. You are not some “special” mistress involved with a “special” married man – you are just plain ‘the mistress’ and he is just plain ‘married man’.
This is not a part-time supply contract until such times as the full-time promoted position becomes available! You accepted the terms and conditions and now you want to complain to the Union and up the terms of your contract! The arrangement you have now (or had) is the whole shabbang! This is as good as it gets. If it was anything more than that it would *be* more than that – *right now*. (I think all of this applies to EU involvement too – you are not alone!)
If you want a new full-time promoted contract YOU have to resign this one first (and then get a new job with a different company!).
Also… the MM has put himself in an impossible ‘Don Juan’ position: He is a bastard no matter what he does now. He can never be the good guy here. And also in terms of you: if he stays away from you he is being “cruel”to you; if he continues the affair he is being “cruel” to you.
The whole sad sorry scenario is a ‘head’s you win, tails you lose’. For everyone. Your mistake was placing the bet! So get your money off the table before you lose some more.
EmLaw: “they feel sorry that we are hurting but they don’t do anything to change anything”. Why would they?? YOU are responsible for changing a situation that is hurtful to YOU. Not him. You have to see that, should you choose to do so, you have to OWN your own decision to continue to invest in an MM (or EU for that matter)…
sorry… one more itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny wee comment then I shut up on this..
Of course, earlier, I meant to say it’s a ‘heads I win, tails you lose’ scenario. It’s lose or lose all round.
EmLaw, there’s always the “light bulb moment” with the MM (and the EU) thing that:
“if he loved me he would not sit back, do nothing and allow my unhappiness to continue. Ergo, he doesn’t love me” (reaction: It’s all a lie!! Argghh..OMG!!)
There may well be a truth in that, but when we come up with it we are quick to throw it at him, time and time again, so he he can prove we are wrong (of course he doesn’t, cos we are not wrong). Now that we have thought of this, we like to think we have gained some new ‘insight’ – had a light bulb moment – got some new clarity. But we havn’t. Cos we have not yet recognised the crux of our difficulty, which is:
“If I loved me I would not sit back, do nothing and allow my unhappiness to continue. Ergo, I do not love me”
Thanks to Nat’s blog’s about self validation and self worth – when I started to get that I had to love me, recognise my own value as an independent given and learn not to seek or depend on validation from the EU (or any oother external source) but to recognise how and when to validate myself – the floodlights came on. (I don’t say I have cracked it, but I know what my problem is – so now I can fix it).
Hey Natalie, I love your posts, especially this post. It reminds me of a time when I was seeing a girl, we had an open relationship and I thought we were both on the same page, I guess not.
At the time she was happy with the fact both of us were seeing other people. However, it all changed when she started getting feelings towards me, and she asked me the devastating question ‘would you want to make it more serious?’
To be honest, I was having so much fun I wasn’t ready to be a one woman man. Her actions afterwards were interesting to watch but also confusing. She was happy to wait for me until I changed my mind. In my opinion this was real confidence. Deep down she really believed I would choose her over any other girl. On the other hand, she was also really worried that I was still talking to other girls, I see this as fear.
Love should be selective, whether you choose to go for that person or not. However, you need to remember that a few eggs will get broken on the way and if you are on the receiving end, you need to be decisive, Even if you can’t make the choice, it has to be made.
Darren
For what it’s worth, she wasn’t happy waiting . It’s not a sign of confidence to compete with other women for a man’s attention, it’s a sign of extremely low self-esteem. You were right on the “fear” part though, I expect she was scared.
Still, interesting to get the “other side’s” viewpoint. Lots of women wonder what men in this situation are thinking. Ladies, if he doesn’t have a clue it’s hurting you, don’t expect him to do “get it” and stop. It’s up to you to help yourself. (Of course, if you are happy to stick around waiting to be chosen, by all means do so. Let me know how it goes).
This guy has been iffy with me from the start and have known him for a year now. We were seeing each other but I finally had it after he went MIA every now and then. I sent him a message just finally finally getting everything off my chest and he called me to explain himself? I don’t know why I even answered. I told him that all I ever wanted was to be around him and to be 100% myself around him, but I never felt I could be myself because he would only want to talk or hang out when it was convenient for him because he was so “busy” all the time and that he was going through a lot of “shit” and didn’t know how to handle it or something.
On the phone he said he doesn’t completely know what he wants, it doesn’t matter because he’s moving for him job in a few months, he’s still going through stuff, he told me he didn’t like how when we did go out i didn’t speak to any of his friends. so i said well excuse me, none of your friends spoke to me, why was i designated to start up with everyone? He knows I’m shy and his friends were mingling amongst themselves…they barely said shit to anyone not mention i hadn’t seen him in almost a month at that point, so was I supposed to feel really comfortable?
So he was like, “yeah i get it”
I said to him that everything I had to say was in the message and all I ever wanted was to be myself and to go out and enjoy myself, but you were always busy it was at your convenience to see me.
how was i supposed to feel? like i could be myself when i felt he didn’t care?
so he half-heartedly agreed, said something like “sorry it had to end this way”
like what is that? it’s like he has no responsibility for anything, there is nothing wrong with me
he doesn’t even know what he wants
i was like ” i dont know what you wanted from me if you knew this about me that you didn’t like”
he’s like “well i’d be lying if i said i didn’t like you sort of”
At the end of the conversation I’m just annoyed because I feel like he said there was something wrong with me. I told him that I wanted nothing from him. He didn’t make the effort and has made me feel like i wasn’t good enough. What is that bullshit?
Hey Hayley,
Well done for cutting this wishy-washy plonker off!
What is that all about, you ask: well, he is lazy and only interested in himself, his problems, his work, his life, him him him him him. There’s no room for anyone else! End of story.
I wouldn’t worry too much about what his motivations are, it sounds like he’d be a truly rubbish boyfriend to *anyone*. “well i’d be lying if i said i didn’t like you sort of”!? what the hell is that?! You deserve way better than that!!
The bottom line is that this is a guy who is not willing to make an effort with anyone. He’s too wrapped up in his own life. He wants companionship when it suits him and doesn’t want to have to consider anyone else in the interim. He is a total waste of time. And he knows it! Hence his reaction: “sorry it had to end this way”. I am sure his ego is also dented – no one likes to be dumped. No one likes to hear some uncomfortable home truths. He’s playing it cool, acting like it doesn’t mean anything to him.
You have to think about you now. This guy has never thought about you and your wellbeing or feelings, so don’t waste another second thinking about him. Let him get on with his life and find another fallback girl if he needs company. You deserve a lot better than half-arsed effort. HUGS!!
Thank you, I just don’t understand why he felt the need to tell me about how I was “too quiet” or whatever when I did come out with his friends which happened twice during the whole “relationship.” It’s as if he doesn’t have any responsibility for his actions. I feel like I put forth all the effort and he was hoping I would be his answer to everything? I’m more confused and hurt than anything by those words.
haley
for what it’s worth, i don’t seen anything in this conversation that suggests he thinks there’s something wrong with you. i hazard that maybe you think that about yourself, especially if you keep throwing yourself into a situation where you keep getting hurt. if i had a family heirloom that meant a lot to me, i wouldn’t keep chucking it into the fire, or leaving it in the middle of the road, i’d look after it.
Fundamentally, looking after yourself means removing yourself from these crappy situations.
You’re annoyed that he won’t change and give you what you want. But why should he?
I don’t want anything from him and I don’t want him to change. He is who he is. I’m annoyed because he threw that comment out there as if to deflect the responsibility of the situation onto me because I called him out on his own bullsh*t. At the end of the day I know there is nothing wrong with me and I did nothing wrong except perhaps letting the situation progress as far as it has. It is a life lesson that I will always remember. I don’t even understand the point of the conversation as to why he called in the first place.
Haley
Ah, he contacted you because you emailed him. All contact with them tends to backfire. That’s why I’ve cut em all off. Even blocked them from facebook. Don’t look back. Whenever I’ve let them back in, they’ve been even worse! Every contact with them, even when you think you’re making an incisive point or barely doing anything, leads them to think that you’re still interested. Your ex thought you were interested in his opinion and called to tell you about it. The only thing that gets through to them is your unbudging silence.
The reason why he’s acting like an irrisponsible berk is because: he is one! The reason why he’s listing all your flaws to you is because you had just done the exact same thing to him. It’s childish behaviour and the fact that you don’t understand it is a GOOD thing – it’s means you’re too good for that nonsense and would never behave in such an idiotic way.
Focus on moving on and leaving him behind. Analysing his motives is not going to benefit you in any way.
Thank you both for your advice, you’re both right. I need to move on and leave the loser behind. He isn’t worth anything anymore. It’s time to focus on myself and my happiness
That bullshit Haley was Mr Emotionally Unavailable (classic case!). If you hadn’t been completely confused and bewildered by this guy there’d be something wrong with you. There isn’t. Yay!
I just hope that despite the message I sent and from speaking to him on the phone he got the message that I want nothing more to do with him or hear from him. The last thing I want is for him to think I want anything to do with him.
Hello,
I’m new to this site and I’m so glad that I found it. I have found myself in a situation with someone who thinks that it is ok to ” boomerang” in and out of my life. I’m lucky that the interaction between me and this man has been limited in time and exposure –thank ya jesus !! But, after 3 weeks of dating..I began to get the feeling that he was unable to emotionally connect and I have found that he bears the characteristics of an EUM. ( only texts, not affectionate at all, not close to friends, somewhat a momma’s boy, 44 yrs old never married, no kids)– a commitment-phobic man !! Well, after the 5th date I realized he was “emotionally retarded” and ran !! But, for some odd reason I texted him… WTF?? He answered back but let me know he had plans ( i didnt even ask), but what made me stop talking to him was.. I had to go to the hospital for tests and this EUM didnt text me to say good luck or are you ok ?? After4 days, he texted me …still no acknowledgement of my hospital appt –just asking me what was I up to ?? He had sent 2 messages like that and I realized that he really DOESNT want to know..so i told him nothing… now 3 weeks later he TEXTED me that things went perashaped and it was his fault and he enjoyed going out with me and he hoped that I would consider going out to listen to gigs with him again. I responded ( DAMN) that he didnt seem into me so I backed off but if he heard of a gig..to give me a ring ( WTF?) Guess what.. a text message the next day asking me to a gig (short notice) I had plans so I said no… he texted me last nite telling me that the gig was good and I wouldve enjoyed it and he hoped another time would suit for us to go out. I deleted the message but I really want to respond or should I just start the no contact rule…. Why in the world did I respond full well knowing that he not emotionally available???
Don’t respond. This guy is a waste of time. He is doing your head in already and it has only been 5/6 weeks?! Don’t worry about hurting his feelings, if he’s emotionally retarded it won’t bother him for very long. He can find another gig buddy.
Think of it as a self defense manouvre – you’re removing yourself from a situation which will not benefit you in any way and will ultimately frustrate and annoy you.
Thank you Minky….
Ya know what really burns me up is that 3 weeks of the 6 weeks he didnt contact me ( and I didnt contact him either) … WTF!!
( pulling my hair) And on the first date my gut told me to not see him again.. that is the one thing that I still struggle with.. I am blessed with great intuition but I ignore it at times when I cannot make sense of my feeling.. its like I need to prove my intution correct or something.. I am growing in confidence that when my gut tells me to stay away from a man ..even though I cant put my finger on why..that I should just do it !! It seems that the common thread going through the posts that I have read is that we ( women) feel something is off but ignore it and end up showing these assclowns that we have no pride or self-esteem. I was lucky growing up around male cousins and I used to listen to them a talk about girls and how they would walk over a nice guy to chase down an ass and that made them not respect woman too much. And here I am giving my precious time to someone who is an ASS.. We women really need to re-define what a nice guy is … those Mills and Boons novels and rom-coms have prepetuate an idea that an EUM can be loved enough by a woman to come out of it….NOT TRUE and pretty arrogant of us to think we can love someone enough to two “fix” their crap.
disney
cut your losses and run. it only get worse. yes, you texted him, but don’t let that commit you to a text relationship. i had one of those last year, it did my head in!
this guy is interested in you in the way that he is interested in a playstation, his cd collection or a dvd – as entertainment/something to do. don’t respond anymore. i’m not sure i would call it NC, there was nothing going on. let it die.
Grace,
thanks for the feedback..sometimes I just need to hear that i’m not crazy !! Unfortunately, I have allowed a man to string me along (7 yrs) before and leaving that relationship was the most painful thing I have had to do. I am not trying to repeat the mistakes of the past.
And frankly, i’m too long in the tooth and I have no patience for the game playing. I went out on a date with a guy that point blank admitted to me the horrid, horrid stuff that he has done to woman ..( including leaving on an island b4 an impended storm…all because she annoyed him, and having a child with a married woman who when I asked how he felt about it replied ” it has nothing to do with me”) needless to say..there wasnt a 2nd date.. At first I thought he told me that stuff out of some kind of connection with me now I know through reading this site that he was just CYA so that when he treated me badly he could say ” i told you I was an ass” !! (sigh) Where do these men come from ??? grrrrr
Forward ever, backward never. Thanks Nat.
This is my first time commenting but I love this blog it has been so helpful. I was with my ex EUM for 5 1/2 years. The first 2 were great, but after that things steadily went downhill until he basically had a quarter life crisis (we are 26 now) and he broke up with me and immediately started “casually” sleeping with another woman. He has emotional issues/depression and I stood by waiting for him to get help. Truth is he doesn’t truly want to help himself, he just wanted me to wait around and be his shoulder to cry on while he didn’t have to commit to anything. I thought if I waited and was patient enough, eventually the drinking, the selfishness, the lack of respect, the flakiness, his fear of commitment would all just dissolve. Eventually he would grow into the man I had created in my mind that did not exist. It was never the man he showed me. Now I am just trying to figure out how to completely remove someone from my life who has caused so much hurt, but still considers me “his best friend” and the “only one he can talk to or cry in front of” about his emotional issues. I think my lack of self esteem causes me to crave his validation. I enjoy feeling ‘needed’ by him. But it also feels like crap because it is one-sided. It’s just hard when he is incredibly persistent and adament about how he doesn’t want to lose me and that he is convinced ‘one day’ when the ‘timing is right’ we will be together and get married blah blah blah. I just can’t be that girl who waits for his timing to be right. I need to choose me, right now!
Thanks, sorry if this was too long, but it feels good to write it out sometimes…
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