This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is inspired by the recent discovery that the ‘dream house’ we lost out on back in 2013 is a money pit. Turns out that we escaped problems that would have run to hundreds of thousands of pounds! Jaysus! Thankfully, that house is long behind us, but this revelation got me thinking about how it’s a metaphor for life. We each go through experiences of not getting what we want and beat ourselves up about it, often fearing and regretting that we’ve missed out despite not knowing what’s up ahead or recognising that, actually, we may have had a lucky escape.
Some nuggets from the episode:
With the benefit of hindsight, we can have a sense of humour about life. We can be grateful. But we also don’t have to wait to hear bad news or how it went pear-shaped for somebody else to practice this attitude.
No one hands us a manual on the day we turn eighteen with a full breakdown of what adulthood will contain, including instructions on how to deal with every situation and a timeline. We also expect too much of ourselves, as if we’re supposed to have known how to do ‘everything’ on arrival into adulthood and that we only have a few chances to ‘get things right’. Hands up who took a class at school or was even taught at home about boundaries, self-care, figuring out your personal values? Yeah, exactly. Trial and error, baby!
Our parents were once children themselves. No one is born a parent. We don’t have to treat our parents or other family members as if they are the arbiters of living the ‘right’ life. Our parents made their choices (and relationships) in an entirely different time — and these might not be right for us. And we’ll only discover our path through our own trial and error. No one else can do it for us.
We want to know what’s up ahead so that we can be in control so that we can plan for it and mitigate for any potential unpleasantness. Turns out, that’s what experiencing life is for! Trial and error, baby!
Sometimes we’ve wanted something for so long that when it turns out to be the wrong thing, we’re like, ‘I’m in it now. Let’s do this!’. We ignore ourselves and then, of course, beat ourselves up instead of taking clues and cues from the experience about what could potentially be a better fit for us.
We’re around the people we need to be around. Relationships help us to heal, grow and learn.
In situations such as where someone is pissing us off or where we immediately assume or feel something, it’s critical to recognise that we wouldn’t respond in the way that we do if it weren’t already a habit. That’s our past. That’s our baggage.
If you keep insisting that an unhealthy relationship is right for you, it ensures that 1) you’re miserable and 2) you’ll get involved with that same person/situation or with something/someone similar. And it will be more painful. If we keep insisting that something that was clearly wrong for us is right for us, we can’t be open to something better.
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People say this a lot on the blog, but this did come at just the right time for me. I beat myself up a lot about the past – “why didn’t I do x instead of y, everything would have worked out better”, or “if only this one moment had gone differently everything would have been so much easier”.
I know what you say to be true, and hearing it helps me to give myself a break.
I’m also having a hard time at the moment making a decision because there are unknown variables in the near future, but, instead of torturing myself about it, I have to try to tune into my intuition and make the best decision I can with the information I have.
NATALIE
on 23/08/2018 at 10:09 am
“instead of torturing myself about it, I have to try to tune into my intuition and make the best decision I can with the information I have.”
This is a powerful truth right there. It’s not about right or wrong decisions– there’s just decisions. We don’t have to make sharp turns all the time. If we keep listening to ourselves as we make decisions and live through them, we can make little turns, little shifts, to steer ourselves through life.
Claire
on 19/08/2018 at 1:34 pm
Hi Natalie. Another brilliant post. I also had a similar situation a few years ago. I was in the process of buying a house and the building surveyor who is a family friend basically told me I was getting ripped off due to the amount of work that needed to happen on it. A few months down the line I found the house that is now my home- so much nicer, nearer to my friends and I’ve been so happy in the 5 years I’ve been here. I loved the link to relationships as well. I was in a relationship with a men who dropped me abruptly. I cried, beat myself up for not being good enough and spent months making my own life a living misery while he went off and got on with his life. He married ( of course) and had a family but a short while ago I ended being in a restaurant at the same time as him and his wife. They were clearly having an argument over dinner and all I can say is that the poor woman looked downright miserable and exhausted. I think I can safely say I dodged a bullet there!
NATALIE
on 23/08/2018 at 10:12 am
I giggled to myself at the image of the couple in the restaurant. Ultimately, he wasn’t for you. My brother said something to me the other day that’s really stuck with me: Life doesn’t give you what you want; it gives you what you need.
You dodged a bullet with the house, and even if you hadn’t seen him out and about with his wife, you dodged something right there too. So glad that you have been in the right home for you for the last five years.
Feisty
on 19/08/2018 at 3:58 pm
Just over a year ago I went through the situation of a misdiagnosis that I beat myself up about. Why? Because I worked in the same field and felt that I should have found my voice and spoken up to question more than I did. I will say that I did ask questions but never felt I was listened to. The result for me is that I had to forgive myself because I now know that nothing I could have done would have changed the situation. I took medication I never needed for 15 months and now live with side effects that have progressed. I eventually forgave myself because it wasn’t my job to point out what the Consultant should have been doing which was be honest about his doubts regarding my diagnosis, diagnose me correctly (he even missed anaemia for months making me ill), apologise and accept responsibility when it became clear that something had gone wrong. Instead he went and was allowed to go off radar running away from the situation a complete coward.
This Consultant was a complete douche, lacking any integrity and is now answerable to higher authorities as is his employer because I am fighting to hold him and them to account. I’m not happy with my situation with what happened, but it is as it is and I can dwell on it or live my life the best I can. I am living my life because I won’t let this define me and only feel pity for a man who cannot be true to his professional responsibilities, act as an adult, accept responsibilities for his actions and show integrity. In other words this man is a professional flake and fake as he makes out he is one thing when he isn’t. I’ve no doubt that he is the same in his personal life and god help any women stupid enough to be suckered in by him.
NATALIE
on 23/08/2018 at 10:21 am
I understand your frustrations, Feisty. When I was diagnosed with sarcoidosis nearly 15 years ago, I took everything they said at face value. It was only two years later when they were telling me to go on steroids for life, did it suddenly occur to me to say no and question the prognosis. I took steroids for the year before and that caused a host of problems. I initially felt very angry with myself, like you did.
A few years later, I had an emergency c-section. I didn’t feel heard in the hours before that decision was made, and I felt somewhat shaken by the experience. Second time round, there was a big push for me to have a natural birth. I listened, but I stressed that I would only do so if it was right. For several weeks before my due date, I voiced concerns, as did my midwife. They went unheard. I arrived for induction and they told me what had been suspected for several weeks — that it was dangerous for me to be induced and that I should have had my daughter a couple of weeks before. I was fricking LIVID! And I let the consultant have it as well. These experiences shook me, and while I have a great respect for medicine, I don’t allow any doctor to railroad or ignore me any more. Since then, I’ve had to trust my instincts on a number of occasions about my children’s health, so I’m thankful for those earlier experiences.
Good for you that you are standing up to them. It’s important for doctors to learn from where things go awry. I think sometimes we pussyfoot around them too much — they get things wrong sometimes.
Monique
on 21/08/2018 at 8:48 pm
Natalie: Glad you are back on with the podcast!
This episode here really made me feel 100% better bout my current situation!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and guidance!
NATALIE
on 23/08/2018 at 10:21 am
Thank you, Monique! You’re so very welcome!
Nina
on 27/08/2018 at 6:57 pm
Hi Nat. What a surprise to see new podcast episodes! 🙂 (been following you for years but not really posting here).
This one and also the #102 hit me hard. You really touch on points I have been thinking about for a few years. I am super frustrated. I am 30 years old and never had a single relationship. I am asexual and I rarely feel attracted to people, but the times I did, it wasn’t reciprocal, and more so, I got used by a couple assholes given I also used to be a hardcore people-pleaser.
I have done so much self-work (I come from a very toxic family and struggle with mental health issues) and while my life definitely improved a lot (I am way more self-loving, have some boundaries, don’t bend backwards for others, have dealt with many consequences of years of abuse, and actually have good and healthy friendships), it did not improve it in the way I wanted it (to find a partner). It’s not that I have had bad relationships… I haven’t had any. Not even a shitty one.
The last person I liked, I reeeeally felt attracted physically and I would do absolutely anything to be with her. Anything. Not only she ended up mistreating me because of my feelings for her, but also she started dating someone much better than me (handsome, no mental health issues, rich, great job). I honestly died inside after this and since then I have been really just carrying on without much desire to be alive anymore because what happened with this woman was my last straw. Even though I do have friends and have fun with them, and also get to travel a lot internationally… it doesn’t erase the pain of being romantically unwanted.
The part where I sort of disagree with the podcast #102… not everyone struggles. This woman I liked, if she struggles with anything, is definitely nothing serious when compared to me (she has a permanent job in a field she loves, is pretty, rich, no mental health issues, has family around, travels a LOT, perfect boyfriend, etc etc). I don’t think “failures feels” are comparable sometimes.
The other thing is that I don’t agree that whatever happens to us is always what is best. This would imply that being perpetually single (and not by choice) is actually what’s best for me, when it obviously isn’t.
Although I have had a bunch of experiences as well where that was true. When I applied to grad schools, I got into three here in the US: a world top 10 one, an Ivy League, and a public school (which is ok but not really super prestigious). For reasons, I ended up in the not so prestigious one. I knew I would not have made it in the top 10, so that was sort of ok for me, but I always wondered if I would actually be able to get a job in my field if I had chosen the Ivy League one. Fast forward 5 years I meet a person who actually went to the Ivy League and she told me that my then-to-be advisor was the worst person ever and that her previous grad student has lost her VISION due to stress inflicted by this professor. Yeah, hindsight was everything in this case.
Arora Thorne
on 14/09/2018 at 7:16 am
Hi Natalie,
I did a mental Why Did We Break Up? exercise last night imagining how you would break down a ghosting mystery, and it was highly entertaining and helpful to guess at what your take would be on this very complex situation. It seems like a theme in Why Did We Break Up? in the cases where passion and attraction is undeniably present is: the delicate male ego. It’s the one false move and it’s all over scenario, where if the woman overpowers him at some point, either intellectually or in strength of will, he retreats, which confounds the women because they KNOW there was attraction. I have had multiple instances this year or unknowingly treading upon the delicate male ego, only to receive a swift devalue/discard later and have to guess why. In all cases but the last, I was entirely unconcerned. Seems tragic because this particular guy was a very complimentary match to my intellectual ability… are we still in an age of “women should be seen but not heard”? Are women of the West in invisible Western Burqas?
Triste ~xoxo
I’ve been running Baggage Reclaim since September 2005, and I’ve spent many thousands of hours writing this labour of love. The site has been ad-free the entire time, and it costs hundreds of pounds a month to run it on my own. If what I share here has helped you and you’re in a position to do so, I would love if you could make a donation. Your support is so very much appreciated! Thank you.
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People say this a lot on the blog, but this did come at just the right time for me. I beat myself up a lot about the past – “why didn’t I do x instead of y, everything would have worked out better”, or “if only this one moment had gone differently everything would have been so much easier”.
I know what you say to be true, and hearing it helps me to give myself a break.
I’m also having a hard time at the moment making a decision because there are unknown variables in the near future, but, instead of torturing myself about it, I have to try to tune into my intuition and make the best decision I can with the information I have.
“instead of torturing myself about it, I have to try to tune into my intuition and make the best decision I can with the information I have.”
This is a powerful truth right there. It’s not about right or wrong decisions– there’s just decisions. We don’t have to make sharp turns all the time. If we keep listening to ourselves as we make decisions and live through them, we can make little turns, little shifts, to steer ourselves through life.
Hi Natalie. Another brilliant post. I also had a similar situation a few years ago. I was in the process of buying a house and the building surveyor who is a family friend basically told me I was getting ripped off due to the amount of work that needed to happen on it. A few months down the line I found the house that is now my home- so much nicer, nearer to my friends and I’ve been so happy in the 5 years I’ve been here. I loved the link to relationships as well. I was in a relationship with a men who dropped me abruptly. I cried, beat myself up for not being good enough and spent months making my own life a living misery while he went off and got on with his life. He married ( of course) and had a family but a short while ago I ended being in a restaurant at the same time as him and his wife. They were clearly having an argument over dinner and all I can say is that the poor woman looked downright miserable and exhausted. I think I can safely say I dodged a bullet there!
I giggled to myself at the image of the couple in the restaurant. Ultimately, he wasn’t for you. My brother said something to me the other day that’s really stuck with me: Life doesn’t give you what you want; it gives you what you need.
You dodged a bullet with the house, and even if you hadn’t seen him out and about with his wife, you dodged something right there too. So glad that you have been in the right home for you for the last five years.
Just over a year ago I went through the situation of a misdiagnosis that I beat myself up about. Why? Because I worked in the same field and felt that I should have found my voice and spoken up to question more than I did. I will say that I did ask questions but never felt I was listened to. The result for me is that I had to forgive myself because I now know that nothing I could have done would have changed the situation. I took medication I never needed for 15 months and now live with side effects that have progressed. I eventually forgave myself because it wasn’t my job to point out what the Consultant should have been doing which was be honest about his doubts regarding my diagnosis, diagnose me correctly (he even missed anaemia for months making me ill), apologise and accept responsibility when it became clear that something had gone wrong. Instead he went and was allowed to go off radar running away from the situation a complete coward.
This Consultant was a complete douche, lacking any integrity and is now answerable to higher authorities as is his employer because I am fighting to hold him and them to account. I’m not happy with my situation with what happened, but it is as it is and I can dwell on it or live my life the best I can. I am living my life because I won’t let this define me and only feel pity for a man who cannot be true to his professional responsibilities, act as an adult, accept responsibilities for his actions and show integrity. In other words this man is a professional flake and fake as he makes out he is one thing when he isn’t. I’ve no doubt that he is the same in his personal life and god help any women stupid enough to be suckered in by him.
I understand your frustrations, Feisty. When I was diagnosed with sarcoidosis nearly 15 years ago, I took everything they said at face value. It was only two years later when they were telling me to go on steroids for life, did it suddenly occur to me to say no and question the prognosis. I took steroids for the year before and that caused a host of problems. I initially felt very angry with myself, like you did.
A few years later, I had an emergency c-section. I didn’t feel heard in the hours before that decision was made, and I felt somewhat shaken by the experience. Second time round, there was a big push for me to have a natural birth. I listened, but I stressed that I would only do so if it was right. For several weeks before my due date, I voiced concerns, as did my midwife. They went unheard. I arrived for induction and they told me what had been suspected for several weeks — that it was dangerous for me to be induced and that I should have had my daughter a couple of weeks before. I was fricking LIVID! And I let the consultant have it as well. These experiences shook me, and while I have a great respect for medicine, I don’t allow any doctor to railroad or ignore me any more. Since then, I’ve had to trust my instincts on a number of occasions about my children’s health, so I’m thankful for those earlier experiences.
Good for you that you are standing up to them. It’s important for doctors to learn from where things go awry. I think sometimes we pussyfoot around them too much — they get things wrong sometimes.
Natalie: Glad you are back on with the podcast!
This episode here really made me feel 100% better bout my current situation!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and guidance!
Thank you, Monique! You’re so very welcome!
Hi Nat. What a surprise to see new podcast episodes! 🙂 (been following you for years but not really posting here).
This one and also the #102 hit me hard. You really touch on points I have been thinking about for a few years. I am super frustrated. I am 30 years old and never had a single relationship. I am asexual and I rarely feel attracted to people, but the times I did, it wasn’t reciprocal, and more so, I got used by a couple assholes given I also used to be a hardcore people-pleaser.
I have done so much self-work (I come from a very toxic family and struggle with mental health issues) and while my life definitely improved a lot (I am way more self-loving, have some boundaries, don’t bend backwards for others, have dealt with many consequences of years of abuse, and actually have good and healthy friendships), it did not improve it in the way I wanted it (to find a partner). It’s not that I have had bad relationships… I haven’t had any. Not even a shitty one.
The last person I liked, I reeeeally felt attracted physically and I would do absolutely anything to be with her. Anything. Not only she ended up mistreating me because of my feelings for her, but also she started dating someone much better than me (handsome, no mental health issues, rich, great job). I honestly died inside after this and since then I have been really just carrying on without much desire to be alive anymore because what happened with this woman was my last straw. Even though I do have friends and have fun with them, and also get to travel a lot internationally… it doesn’t erase the pain of being romantically unwanted.
The part where I sort of disagree with the podcast #102… not everyone struggles. This woman I liked, if she struggles with anything, is definitely nothing serious when compared to me (she has a permanent job in a field she loves, is pretty, rich, no mental health issues, has family around, travels a LOT, perfect boyfriend, etc etc). I don’t think “failures feels” are comparable sometimes.
The other thing is that I don’t agree that whatever happens to us is always what is best. This would imply that being perpetually single (and not by choice) is actually what’s best for me, when it obviously isn’t.
Although I have had a bunch of experiences as well where that was true. When I applied to grad schools, I got into three here in the US: a world top 10 one, an Ivy League, and a public school (which is ok but not really super prestigious). For reasons, I ended up in the not so prestigious one. I knew I would not have made it in the top 10, so that was sort of ok for me, but I always wondered if I would actually be able to get a job in my field if I had chosen the Ivy League one. Fast forward 5 years I meet a person who actually went to the Ivy League and she told me that my then-to-be advisor was the worst person ever and that her previous grad student has lost her VISION due to stress inflicted by this professor. Yeah, hindsight was everything in this case.
Hi Natalie,
I did a mental Why Did We Break Up? exercise last night imagining how you would break down a ghosting mystery, and it was highly entertaining and helpful to guess at what your take would be on this very complex situation. It seems like a theme in Why Did We Break Up? in the cases where passion and attraction is undeniably present is: the delicate male ego. It’s the one false move and it’s all over scenario, where if the woman overpowers him at some point, either intellectually or in strength of will, he retreats, which confounds the women because they KNOW there was attraction. I have had multiple instances this year or unknowingly treading upon the delicate male ego, only to receive a swift devalue/discard later and have to guess why. In all cases but the last, I was entirely unconcerned. Seems tragic because this particular guy was a very complimentary match to my intellectual ability… are we still in an age of “women should be seen but not heard”? Are women of the West in invisible Western Burqas?
Triste ~xoxo