For a while I thought it was not cleaning the house to a high enough standard or helping out enough, or buying the ‘right’ gift, and then I realised that it didn’t matter what it was–these occasions, which included Mother’s Day and Easter, were very triggering for my mother.
For a number of years, these experiences were baffling, painful and embarrassing, until I discovered that a number of my own friends as well as plenty of Reclaimers, have been through similar experiences where their parents wrecked occasions that should, in theory, be a source of happiness and good memories.
It’s not something that’s talked about a great deal, possibly because aside from all of the associated memories and feelings, there’s a societal expectation that we’re supposed to be happy at these times and that if we find it difficult, that there’s something odd about us, so we grin and bear it to fit in, while often experiencing great pain within. In fact, just like the images of motherhood that are often at odds with reality, we’re peddled this idea that ‘everyone’ has positive memories of birthdays and that if they don’t, well, there must be something wrong with them.
Just like with Christmas and what can be the 12 Weeks of Self-Esteem Torment that start from around the end of November through to Valentine’s Day, some people just aren’t that into birthdays or big occasions.
Some of the reasons that people have shared with me are:
- The anxiety about bringing unpredictable family members together
- The fear of your day being hijacked yet again (being sidelined in the past or feeling as if you have to dim your light so that a sibling/parent doesn’t get upset, gradually takes its toll)
- Feeling as if you have to be on guard and reading the room/babysitting a grown-up instead of present with your loved ones and enjoying yourself
- Feeling obliged to invite family (or other people) who have demonstrated more than once that they will do the equivalent of watching everyone having a good time and then pulling down their pants in the middle of the room and having a massive tantrum
- Worry about people not turning up (just like a party from long ago)
- Feeling as if you have to get everything right and give everyone The Best Time Ever TM even if you don’t have a good time
- Feeling obliged to celebrate because everyone else wants to even though you don’t
- Having to force happiness and then suffer through comments about your age, your relationship status, life choices etc
- Associating these times with being reminded about how you have ‘failed’ to live up to someone else’s expectations
These times are associated with the likes of neglect, embarrassment, humiliation, rejection, being forgotten, confusion, jealousy, envy, drama, lack, excess, anxiety, abandonment, stress, worry, fear, depression and loss to name but a few.
My celebration dramas continued into adulthood (I won’t even begin to list the occasions…) and it’s been a relief to discover over the years that I am very far from being alone. These could have continued to be huge sources of shame for me but employing the antidote of compassion, humour and forgiveness, has helped me to gradually transcend these experiences.
Far too many of us do things because we think it’s what is expected of us or what society tells us we need to be and do in order to be happy, instead of doing things from a place of desire, and it’s no wonder we wind up feeling resentful, short-changed, worn out and disillusioned.
We put this huge amount of pressure on ourselves, and spend copious amounts of money, time, energy, effort and emotion trying to keep up with the imaginary Joneses. This doesn’t fill the void created by these past experiences; if anything, it widens it because it causes us to become even more disconnected from ourselves and to feel increasingly lacking.
We will struggle to give us what we need, either overcompensating by trying to make up for all of those past experiences or feeling undeserving and so coming from this place of lack where we starve us out and struggle to give us what we need. With the latter, we’d do something like throw a party for someone else or buy them a fancy gift and then balk at the idea of doing that for us.
It’s my fortieth at the end of July and after imagining myself throwing a mix of a nineties rave, a homage to House Party and the best of r&b, all possibly dressed up like a member of Salt n’ Pepa, I realised that I’d rather do a few trips and something smaller, no doubt including that music. Of course, I’ve had a number of people say, “But you have to have a proper party! You’re only 40 once!”
Now, I admit that it’s a strange time with my father being sick and knowing that I’ve got to wrap my head around all of that, but the truth is, I’ve had ‘occasion fatigue’ for a few years and as I get ready to leave my childhood (I think turning 40 makes me an official adult!), I really want to focus on doing more of the things that feel good and right for me.
I also want to create more positive associations around birthdays and big occasions, and I can’t do that if I keep allowing my inner pleaser to take the reins.
This isn’t about finding ways to make these events a big deal; this is about showing up for these from an authentic place that allows me to differentiate my present from my past and allows me to give myself permission to be a grown-up, and so able to listen to my own feelings, needs etc.
If, like me, you find that birthdays, occasions etc., are a source of discomfort for you, acknowledge that baggage in your past that you might still be a bit (or a lot) hurt, angry, embarrassed etc about. It’s one of my favourite exercises and works across a broad range of subjects:
Pick the occasion and write down any negative memories that you have about it. They might pertain to you or other people who were around you in the past but if it springs to mind, it should be on there. Anything on that list, especially anything that causes an emotional squeeze of sorts right now, is the source of emotional charge that’s influencing, not just how you feel during these times but also how you behave during and in the run up to them.
You now have a list of experiences that you can work on forgiving you over so that you change the underlying narrative. In some instances you might feel that you can straight away have that compassion for your younger self and even anyone else involved and feel able to forgive you and others, but the anger etc., that you might not have known was there, needs to be processed via an Unsent Letter (or other means).
This work is important because you would be amazed at how these experiences impact on your attitude towards giving, receiving, internalising your accomplishments and achievements, and basic self-care.
Your thoughts?
And look out in this week’s podcast coming out on Friday where I’ll be sharing some tips about how to handle the boundaries around birthdays and occasions so that you don’t keep setting you up for a fall by trying to appease
Add to favorites
Day after my 30th birthday, I ended a 12-year relationship.
My birthday in 2015, ended up being the end of a one-and-a-half year relationship that included two engagements.
In 2016, I was in the ICU after suffering a mini stroke.
This past Christmas, I decided to avoid family due to the current political climate here in the States. My goal was to drink a bottle of very good beer and watch Hulu all day and scarf down some mac and cheese.
Best Christmas ever!
Barring any more strokes, I plan on going back to my old birthday plan which was to treat myself to beer and findido dip at the nearest Mexican restaurant and, most likely, do it alone. No expectations. No broken plans. No fucking drama. Just some beer and incredibly fattening cheese dip.
Do you. It’s what you are best at.
It’s actually quite reassuring to know that I’m not the only person who freaks out about my birthday (several ruined by my mother in one way or another), Christmas (ditto, among other culprits) and New Year (mother again, plus overhyped, ‘unicorns will magic your life perfect at midnight’ type garbage) among others.
I think that perhaps, as with all ‘it’s not good to dwell in the past’ situations, it’s important to put oneself first and focus on writing a better story in the future. Er, I’ll try to do that if you will…
P.S. My 40th involved Spag Bol, caterpillar cake and an evening in with the most recent (now ex) Mr Unavailable and his family, and it was a good one!
It was my 69th birthday yesterday and the 20th anniversary of my last birthday with my twin, who died very suddenly six weeks later, when we were just 49. I miss her very much still and feel the loss of my identity very much too. My friends are very kind and supportive which helps me deal with the very mixed feelings I have. Sadly my children become more indifferent each year and barely remember it is my birthday. I don’t know how to change this as I fear they will only get even worse if I try to say something – there are three of them. On Tuesday I had a FaceTime call from the husband and grandsons to sing happy birthday on the wrong day (my daughter was at work late apparently) and then a promise they would all call again yesterday- didn’t happen. The other daughter and grands in Mexico rang for two minutes but my son and his grands rang twice … and I got one birthday card. That was it! I’m dreading next year already when I will be 70. My twin was their aunt and devoted to them. I’m so upset to have to deal with this each year from all of them.
Oh Tessa, I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. I hear that the bond between twins is unmatchable. Peace and blessings to you.
I turn 33 next Monday and after many disappointing birthdays where so-called friends let me down last minute, my family barely acknowledge the day, I end up doing the same drunken night out with the girls, I got dumped unceremoniously on my 28th birthday, and past exes have failed to make a fuss of me as I did for them; I decided that I wouldn’t spend another birthday in London feeling like a total failure, so I’m off to Norway to see the Northern Lights and visit friends on Friday!
If I waited for a man or friends or family to do things with me (I did ask several people if they’d like to come, but as usual, got a yes at the beginning, then interest tapered off throughout the year or financial constraints became the excuse), I’d never get to go anywhere or do anything fun. I got tired of waiting for people to commit to a plan, so I went ahead and booked it without them! My mother isn’t keen on me travelling alone because of my lupus, but like I told her, I can’t live my life for other people, I have to put myself first.
I have never travelled alone before plus I’ve always wanted to see this natural phenomenon, so I said f**k it, and decided to treat myself this year. I’ve never been more excited and happy to be doing something that’s all about ME. I don’t have to worry about anyone else, or consider their needs, this trip is all about ME, and I can’t wait!
Always do what makes you happy first. Worry about the rest later. Life is short. 🙂
Hi Rachel,
Hope you have a great birthday, enjoy the Northern Lights (great idea). 🙂
I totally agree that you should not wait around for other people to go and do things. If you fancy doing something on the spur of the moment (or if friends are being non-committal about it) just go for it! Life’s too short to miss out on things you’re interested in. Only super-insecure (or maybe phobic, that’s a genuine reason) people can NEVER go do stuff on their own. I think that whole ‘Billy No Mates’ thing is bollocks anyway. YOU DO have mates, you (me too) just don’t need people to ‘hold your hand’ all the time.
Hope you enjoy Norway. Bon voyage, or trevlig resa (that’s Swedish, I used to live in Stockholm, the Swedish and Norwegian languages have a lot of similarities).
Rachel: I totally hear you. I will be 34 on Wednesday. But more than that I can relate to your past experiences with birthdays. I hope you have a great time in Norway. You can be proud of yourself for making that decision. I will be in Morocco for my birthday. It’s time we all start to do what makes US happy and to put ourselves first for once.
at all: Btw, I am from Germany, and I mention that because there are so many people around the world who share the same or similar issues and experiences. If ever you feel alone in your struggle,remember that there a always a lot of people out there who can relate.
at Natalie: Wow, that’s what I call perfect timing. Your latest entry made me realize, that I’ve been doing something right lately. I’ve read your blog and books for 5 years now, and I’ve had some ups and downs since. Without you, your blog and the readers who’ve shared their experiences, I wouldn’t be where I am today. So thank you Natalie and thank you fellow readers!
Thanks Michele and Claudia! I returned from Norway last Tues and can honestly say I had the time of my life! No regrets whatsoever.
I saw the northern lights in all its glory, made some wonderful Norwegian friends, saw some whales, ate good food (I don’t recommend the reindeer at all), drank plenty of good wine, laughed/talked/danced a lot and didn’t give a flying f**k about my life back home for 4 carefree days. Any reluctance I ever had about travelling alone, has been completely absolved!
I think I’m one of those people who will always feel a bit self conscious about dining in restaurants alone, but thankfully, the good Lord blessed me with one almighty gob and a unique personality to boot – so I was never alone for long.
Yes Michele – I totally agree about that whole ‘Billy-no-mates’ rhetoric whenever people plan to do activities alone. We were born alone and will inevitably die alone, so finding peace and enjoyment in our own company is a beautiful thing. A lot of my friends were like, “I could never do that…” but they’re the ones who never go anywhere or do anything interesting with their lives. Just dote on their kids and wait for the next narc, EUM boyfriend to come along and spoil their mood. Sigh.
Claudia – please let me know how your birthday trip to Morocco goes! I’ve been dying to visit North Africa and would love to know how you find it as a solo, female traveller. Yes, 2017 is the year pleasing myself and so far I love it!
Can’t believe how cruel some people are to end a relie on someone’s birthday. My first ex-Narc would habitually drop me before my exams then come back and do it a year later. Total mind job.
I have the opposite issue to those who say their family and friends are “indifferent or barely acknowledge their special day” but I empathise.
Sadly alas my narc FiL would ruin our birthdays by inviting himself round and making the day all about HIM. We went to Paris to escape him on my 40th and had a wonderful time. Easier than dealing with his heavy atmosphere and demanding to be entertained. It never occurred to him we might have our own plans. He’s slowly learning these days to not just drop by. Glad to say my parents were never like that so it’s all been a bit of a steep learning curve. The anxieties do set in as Nat says from around November for xmas…. birthdays…
@Rachel I would love to see the Northern lights in real life (only studied them), do it if you well enough.
Thank you so much for this post Natalie , I honestly thought this only happened to me!! as I’ve always kept it to myself.
My Birthday is Christmas Eve, I’ve had so many rotten birthdays I’ve lost count and if I started to recall all of them I’d be on here all day, my mother cancelled my 18th as she said she had a sore throat, my boyfriend at time used to go away, never spent one with me, I spent everyone of my birthdays through my twenty’s crying, my grandma of all people ruined them, my early thirty’s weren’t much better, until one birthday in tears I finally lost it and told everyone if it did not stop I was going to do the same on theirs, it worked for a while, I’ve just had my 40th, my mother following in grandmas footsteps was all set to ruin this one, but thanks to my amazing sister, who could see was happing put a stop to the nonsense and I had a wonderful day.
I always buy myself a present, this year a new car as it was a special one, and do nice things on the run up to the day…….I don’t get it why ruin someone’s special ……do they honestly get pleasure out of
it!!!
Happy Birthday everyone, whenever it is, hope you truly have a magical day.
Oh man, my cheating kid’s dad married me on my birthday, (Vegas wedding at 9 months pregnancy, w/best friends who’s anniversary is also my bday.) It was so spontaneous. We’re divorced now, but there’s now a slight nagging feeling when my bday rolls around. Yes, holidays and celebrations were always dramatic and soured growing up. NAT has a post about personal anniversaries and I find myself evaluating where I was the previous year on that day.
How fitting I would come across this today….because today is my birthday. The darkness started to descend about 3 days ago. Subconscious maybe? Everyone wants to do something special, and while I appreciate that, the actuality is that it’s been a very hard week leading up to a difficult day. I was widowed 6 1/2 years ago and when I was almost 4 years out from that, as afraid as I was, I opened my heart to a man I had fallen hard for. He ended up being an emotionally unavailable man that put me thru hell, birthdays and holidays included. So my birthday now is just another reminder of all I’ve lost, including hope. I’m not up for celebrating. I’d like this day, like pretty much all days, to quietly slip by. I’m absolutely exhausted.
Happy birthday Kiki. I hope you did something nice for yourself to celebrate you.
I know how hard it is to trust a man again after losing your husband (see my story below – although my circumstances were probably very different from yours, I still had to endure the grieving process).
Please don’t give up on yourself or the hope of finding love again!
Best wishes Susie
Happy Birthday Kiki!
Good timing. My problem is that my birthday is on 15 February so I have the double complication of Valentine’s Day the day before.
I have very few memories of childhood birthdays as my narcissistic mother used to complain that mine was so soon after Christmas that there was nothing new in the shops and as I had received Christmas presents I didn’t need much… I was always puzzled why my younger sister (golden child) was pampered on her birthday – apparently having your birthday in June means that it is a better time of the year to buy presents and have birthday treats 🙂
My late husband was hopeless with numbers/dates so only remembered my birthday as all the adverts in shops reminded him of the date of Valentine’s Day – but then he would never take me out for a birthday meal because “restaurants will be too busy with Valentine bookings”. Towards the end of our relationship (he was an alcoholic and literally drained our joint account before I threw him out 6 months before he suddenly died) his present to me was a diary (half-price in February!)
I had a subsequent relationship with an old university friend who appeared like a knight in shining armour and bowled me over with grand gestures and by making a huge fuss of me on both days (flowers/jewellery/surprise weekend away) – but the second year although I got the double bouquets of flowers, he took me out for dinner, slept with me then finished with me the morning after my birthday!!! To say I was confused is an understatement – who does that??? Turned out he had been sleeping with another woman for several months although he told me at the time that there was no one else involved. Ha!
So for all those reasons February isn’t the celebratory month it ought to be for me. I’m now in a relationship with a guy who isn’t-quite-divorced from his wife who lives abroad – not ideal I know but I’ve got my eyes open this time and it suits me at this stage in life (I’m 56) – and am waiting to see how he plays out the impending Valentine/birthday dilemma…
For my 40th I canoed down the Zambezi with people who I’d never met before and spent two nights in a cottage on a tiny island with two of my best friends. I also had lots of other mini-celebrations with other lovely people. The idea of a party was a no-go from the start, just not for me. I’m no party animal, my small talk sucks and I like to be in bed by ten!!! But I loved my birthday month, I spent quality time with all my favourite people AND had the adventure of a lifetime which made me feel fearless, fabulous and glad to be forty. As I get older I realise my birthday really IS all about me! And I’ve got a list as long as my arm of the treats I’m getting over the next few years!!!!
This post is a life saver. I’ve never understood my dislike and extreme anxiety surrounding big occasions until reading this. Such a niche, but so so helpful – thank you Nat!
I was always child labor to my mother on any holiday or any time that people were coming over, I never dressed well enough for her taste, and I am always people pleasing on my birthday. Then there is gift giving and my ability to only attract those who are incapable of appreciation – throwing an old friend a surprise birthday party that wasn’t good enough for her. That was embarrassing. Then buying my mother an expensive gift that I thought she would love, but she was disgusted with (ouch). The last person that I had to give a birthday present to I didn’t manage to give it to them in person. I dodged their party crowd around the gift giving and left it on the kitchen table for them to find in the morning, with a note. It was pretty pathetic, but all I could manage at the time. Hopefully that isn’t telling of my relationship with them ( extreme need to please them ), but it probably is.
Then there was the time that there was a party just for me (cough). My 21st birthday was an extreme ordeal, everyone that came to the party had a blast except for myself. My older sister took me around town the night before even though I’m not into partying all night and then needed me to help prepare the big themed shebang the next day. The theme wasn’t something that I’m the tiniest bit interested in. There was a dress code that forced girls to wear dresses and high heels ( I’ve never been a girly girl ) and then because I had to help – I was without sleep, working, and looked terrible. Everyone else – including my sister, looked great! When anyone talks about the party all I can remember is how mad I was that I didn’t even have time to get ready for ‘my own birthday party’. No shower, no make-up, unbrushed hair, no high heels. Just a hat to hide under, a dress, and an ugly pair of shoes for the girl who HAD to be in all of the pictures. What a roller coaster. The best part was when only a handful of people stayed late drinking on the back porch and a friend started playing guitar. At least it ended perfectly!
My 30th birthday will forever remain one of the strangest days. My professor at the time was understandably upset because my school was understandably throwing out some old, tattered books. I vividly remember her doing some sort of balancing on either foot and sighing as to deliberate which lucky book would live to find a new home before handing me a book of poems.
I had been perpetually alone that day, sulking and such, so I reckoned I’d read the book. From the first page I was hooked; it was as if every waking and dreaming thought, desire, fear, longing, and aching of mine had been put into words before me. Some details were so relatable, it was spooky. There were specific references to random current day troubles and delights. Anyhow, after reading the entire book in a single sitting, I was so freaked out (it had felt like I had read my soul in print), I ran to the dumpster and chucked it to the bottom, and on my way back to my apartment, I was chased by two dogs and had to run and hide while they looked for me before giving up. Terrifying.
Thanks for bringing this up. Your timing is great. My birthday comes in March and my mind has already started bugging about this. My defense system is on. Every year i think of hiding somewhere. I don’t want to take any ones wishes and smile and say thanks. Because i feel i don’t have real friends who will remember this date and if they do it is just obligation. From relatives side also i felt that it is just a matter of duty of making a call and wish over phone. Because when i go and meet them in person they are very cold to me. And when it comes to my parents and brother, i wish to hide myself from them too. My father has been very aggressive, and we always had difficult days since childhood. During childhood he barely remembers my BD, and didnt bothered to atleast not shout on that special occasion. And my mother and brother had no mood to wish me well, there was no intention to celebrate and give me some gift. Now for a decade i had been living away from them, my father now remembers my BD. My mother get a bit tolerant on BD and behave little more politely with me. And if my brother happens to be around then we cut a cake. Uff, while writing this i am clogged.
I had never stopped to think about this. When I first read the post I was kinda like “nah, I am fine”, and then I finally had to come out of my denial bubble. Holidays in my family mostly sucked, nobody in my family makes an effort to make these celebrations joyful (it does feel like a chore)… I always dreamed of big parties with lots of happy, vibrant people, and all I ever got for Christmas and New Years was a bunch of folks who couldn’t care less about each other. Then, my birthday, which is between both Holidays, well… sometimes not even family members would be there to celebrate with me. But I am kinda over it… in these years I have been living overseas, I haven’t been back home for Holidays and I refuse to take part in that anymore… even if I am by myself, I try to do something that brings me my own happiness.
And I hate Valentine’s Day, because although I am almost 30, I never had a SO. I have tried to make some efforts a couple years ago so I would just gift myself and shower me with my own love, but I think in the end of the day I just can’t deny that there’s nothing that will make me like that day (except if I miraculously find a partner) and probably it’s way healthier just to admit that I hate it and not force myself to feel differently about it. I realized I shouldn’t feel bad for admitting that the thing I wish the most in the world is that I would like to find a partner,. That I feel inadequate for not having one (and worthless too), and I feel even more inadequate when people all around me tell me makes comments that imply that my desire is not valid.
Had good and bad days. The best one was this year, my 10th year of cancer survival; spent it with my bf playing with wolves. The worst was 10 yrs ago. At the vets, a few days post lumpectomy, helping the vet put my dog back together again after he was hit and pinned under a car. As a child and teen the conventional holidays were horrid; teenaged me trying to keep everything perfect and not exploding in a battle between alcoholic parents, apart from going thru the motions for the sake of the bro I was parenting, never fully celebrated xmas again. Had great Solstice celebrations and some where I was horribly alone. It’s hardest for me to have a sharp brain that remembers when things were much better when I was married as I automatically compare those times to my reality today and wonder what it was I did wrong since then. Often feel as though in terms of awareness, strength, empathy, kindness, I am 100x the person now as I was then so it seems to make no sense whatsoever. Kinda like the podcast where someone did a lot of personal work only to be saddled with an EU. It could be that there just plain are more EUs, cheaters, wounded birds than there were previously? Dunno.
Just stumbled on this website and I feel saved from myself by the community of folks experiencing shite I thought I was alone in. I don’t know any of you but you all and the epically insightful Natalie have given me the strength to go through what was initially an amorphous haze of emotion, heartbreak, and confusion. My EUM started out as nothing more than sex, my own personal way of being able to continue on with my own husband who cheated on me once. I wasnt interested in a bond. Far too complicated of a situation to say the least. But we talked a lot, laughed together, bonded over things, revealed intimate things (maybe?). He told me he was caring more than he should, he told me he wanted to kiss me before falling asleep each night and upon waking each morning, he asked if I was his girlfriend, he told me he wanted to leave his wife and asked about me leaving my husband (which I never said I would.), thst here would liver my kids like they were his own, and he asked me if I would have another child for him…And this was all after the sex! I instigated none of this, but I sure fell for him, the wounded creature abandoned by a shitty father and neglected by an addict mom. And yet he told me his truths… That he had a monster inside, that he merely showed people what they wanted to see, that he would remember me “even when everything ultimately ended.”. I think I felt he wouldn’t be so honest with me about these things if they applied to me as well. And so I fell in love with him deeply. Then after 3 months he got a new job, practically never communicated with me but promised me things would be different once his wife went away for work. Well, it took.a few weeks for me to realize he would make time if he cared that much, so I peaced. Then I pulled the suck it and see (not knowing until now that this was the label for my actions). He told me he had thought about me every day, made me promise to never do that again, promised he wouldn’t make me feel like I was chasing air…but still I’d be lucky to get 2 texts from him in a day. Nothing changed so I broke it off again and he did the worst possible thing. Silence. Nothing. A month later I decided to write him a super complimentary email about why I had loved him and respected.him so much for his life journey…wishing him the best in finding his happiness. TBH Im sure I was just testing the waters. But again, the worst outcome. Silence. I poured my heart out building him up like I was his surrogate Fing mom or something. Silence. Now it has been 6 weeks and I know I’ll never hear from him. It drove me bonkers, I cried (bawled) listened to songs that made me think of him… And I did this all alone because no one I am close with would ever respect me again if I confided in them. My therapist just subtly encourages me to divorce which is just confusing to the whole messy situation…but finding this site had been like finally getting a diagnosis for a litany of mystery ailments. Thank you Natalie for your uncanny ability to “issue spot”, to organize and categorize all these behaviors and responses, to make sense of things that no one else tasks about. You are my hero!!