- Unattractive people have no worth.
- If you’re not beautiful, you’re not worthy.
- If you’re not beautiful, you deserve the problems that you get.
- If you were more beautiful/taller/shorter/big breasted/smaller breasted/smaller nose/muscular/a different colour etc., you would not be experiencing the same issues. Note that this means that you have the underlying belief that a person with these attributes is not experiencing these issues because you think that these attributes make a crucial difference.
- People who do not meet ‘standards’ of beauty are worthless.
- If you’re overweight, you cannot have a relationship.
- If you’re overweight, no one will want you.
This is self-rejection. Is this what you say about or to another person? Is it what you’d think of them? Is it what you’d want to tell a child?
If not, you need to realise that you’re not living congruent with your own values. If you want people to love you for more than your appearance, you can’t be superficial at the same time. The two things run counter to one another.
It’s also time to ask, is what you believe about appearance indisputably true? Blow some holes in your perception of your appearance, capabilities and options because you’re limiting you to skin and imagery. Water seeks its own level. Cart these beliefs around with you and you will focus on ‘evidence’ that supports your outlook because if you didn’t, you’d have to change your beliefs. When I believed that all I had was my appearance, I ended up in my most superficial relationships. After I left my most superficial relationship with some parting racist justifications from him about why he’d acted as he did, for the next few years I struggled with race mixed in with superficial issues. I believed that I had little or no value and made some awful choices as a result of that perception. I was ashamed of me. In the end, I had to stop judging me in the way that I so disliked people doing to me (or thinking that they were doing to me). I couldn’t and cannot expect others to do for me what I cannot even do for myself. And it is judging whether you do it to you or others. Your appearance doesn’t make you a better person nor does it make you immune or exempt from disappointment and difficulties and it’s not an open sesame to everything you want. There are people you would consider ‘less attractive’ who are happier than you and there are people ‘more attractive’ who are deeply unhappy.
Each time we make out as if the most attractive people have everything we want and that their life is so much ‘easier’, we’re implying that all someone with the right superficial goods needs to do is show up.
Appearance tells you very little about a person. Who they are and what they do does. Appearance isn’t the same as worth and relying on it for validation and your sense of self means that you end up self-esteem deficient and external esteem reliant. You’ll be dependent on the attentions of others and it’s an incredibly insecure existence. Appearance changes over time and much as we might want to, we also can’t stop the aging process, although we can certainly end up spending a lot of time, money and even our self-esteem trying to freeze our image. Let’s say that somebody says or does something to you and it is on the basis of something superficial. What is at ‘fault’ here? That particular attribute or that person’s attitude? Which would be a better bet for change? Your appearance or their attitude? Your perception of you or trying to meet one person’s ideal or some impossible standard of beauty peddled by people and companies trying to sell you stuff by tapping into insecurity? There’s no point in trying to control the uncontrollable or trying to convince and convert somebody into changing their attitude and values but, there’s a lot of a point in changing the way that you think about you. Your thoughts?
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Natalie–Ouch. This one and your rejection post really hit me to the core. When I was small, my grandmother called me ugly. When I hit puberty, I gained a large amount of weight and my father told me that I wouldn’t ever get a boyfriend and I was ridiculed and put down by my peers for being overweight. This on top of being made fun of because of a birth defect. My mother, too, would point out other physical flaws (would never bug me about my weight, though). Later into adulthood when I would start gaining weight again I’d panic but guys would say, “Hey, but on the positive side, your boobs are getting even bigger…” So…I’m worthy of their attention because of my growing boobs. Wow, I feel so much more secure and attractive and worthy of love now…yeah…
I have a decent figure now and get approached all the time, especially since I’ve had to use public transportation and yet…I still have this secret fear that I’ll be found out–I’m not that attractive after all. Or, I’m good enough for sex because I have sex appeal but I’m not good enough to fall in love with. Or, I’m approached all the time because good looking women are intimidating and so they go for me instead, somebody they might have a chance with…You know, I can’t win with myself. I look at myself in the mirror and note everything I like, write out what I like about myself in my journal so why can’t I shake off the lies?
Each time you make out as if the most attractive people have everything you want and that their life is so much ‘easier’, you’re implying that all someone with the right superficial goods needs to do is show up.
This is interesting because the paragraph above is what I believed for many years, which is strange because I’ve never been one who focuses my life on superficial things. (I like going to lectures, for the love of god. Enough said.) So I guess I was angry at myself because although I believed that attractive & superficial people got everything handed to them, by nature I’m not that type of person… but I can’t change who I am at my core… so I was angry at myself. (I know, vicious cycle.) Also because I hated myself so much, I inadvertently dealt with one or two folks who were shallow & superficial as hell and wanted me to be/look like/act like “prettier” (and shallower & extra-superficial) girls. The main one was The Snake. The Snake wasn’t even rude or nasty about it; just like the animal, The Snake said and did slick slimy slithery things to feed into how shitty I felt about myself.
Honestly, until I found this site, I didn’t realise how my negative self-esteem & self-worth only helped along what The Snake believed anyway – he probably thought he was helping me out by dealing with me. 😐 When I found this site, I figured, “I’m not focused on looks at all. I don’t even like myself. So how is it that I’m dealing with nice guys who have a hidden assclown side?” You wrote a post a while ago that helped me put 2 and 2 together.
I’m now dealing with someone who thinks I’m the most beautiful woman in the world (!!!) (and not due to outward appearance either), and while I still struggle with self-esteem sometimes (mostly because of my weight), I’ve come a long way.
Beauty fades… brains, character & personality last forever. 😉
I think that beauty counts a great deal with men. Men long for beautiful women, and will leave a good but average-looking woman for another that they consider more beautiful. My mother used to say “pretty is as pretty does”, but men want the face and the body of a beautiful woman to increase their own self- worth. A kind heart and an intelligent mind do not matter.
Kate-Your post is why we are single, lol. 🙂 On the one hand, I really want to agree with you as looks do matter to men and I’m incredibly insecure regarding my own looks. Yet, I can’t deny that I’m approached almost everyday on the train and/or bus and I’m not drop-dead gorgeous. I’m thinking of my brother-in-law who is so very faithful to my sister who has always struggled with her weight, was on bed-rest with gestational diabetes during her third pregnancy…friends who have been happily married for years and she has a weight problem and is very comfortable in her own skin, another friend who IS drop-dead gorgeous and whose husband remains faithful even as the even more drop-dead gorgeous physical trainer shows up in black leggings and tight T-shirt.
I KNOW these men are faithful. So for us to believe that we’ll be left for somebody prettier is our issue, not the men’s. If we really believe this, it’s written into our relationship blueprint and so we’re going to be attracted to men who will not give us the time of day or who will dump us for somebody else.
(For the record, I also know someone who is a former model and both her husbands cheated on her.)
Hmm… I disagree. I think most men find seeming ‘unavailability’ as the most attractive quality. Interestingly, in the last year, I have become friends with a girl whom everyone says looks like my twin. We literally get that everywhere we go. But guys are obsessed with her, whereas I can’t seem to maintain the interest of ANY guys I’m into. I really think the big difference between us is she is more unavailable, more selfish, etc. She always plays super hard to get, she keeps several guys going at once, making up and breaking up with them incessantly, cheating on them, etc. Interestingly, she also sleeps with most of these guys on the first date, and I think that confuses them bc they are used to girls getting super attached/clingy after sex but she doesn’t. I’m not kidding though; guys (good and bad ones alike) love this girl and are addicted to her. It’s kind of upsetting really.
Do you really want what she has, though?
@NoMo Drama
No, and I’m not advocating being like her, but it’s just upsetting how attractive everyone (men and women) seem to find unavailability.
Unavailability equates to no responsibility maybe i.e. you can easily come and go as you please. No real substance there most likely.
Kate,
Oh, goodness girl, with all due respect you aren’t completely right in this statement/belief. Some men may be like this. Not all. Case in point, my story:
My last ex was very physically attractive to me. He was tall, lean, great lips, etc.
I was smaller, yet curvy and very typically pretty, though throughout our tryst my looks faded as fast as his spells of interest toward me.
He spoke of his ex often, bringing her up non stop, comparing me to her and I even believed he cheated on me with her.
After I ended it with him, he went right back begging to be with her.
I frantically searched for her on Facebook and obsessively looked at her photos. She wasn’t attractive physically at all by societal standards. She wasn’t a pretty woman, interesting though, I’ll give her that, uniquely beautiful in a non superficial sense maybe.
My point is I imagine her confidence despite societies garbage about cookie cutter beauty, her intelligence and strength made her a whole hell of a lot more attractive than my typical looks but bad, ignorant attitude regarding woman and beauty.
It’s about character and appreciation for what we do have (health, basic needs met, etc.)that equate to character and integrity which is where true beauty comes from.
Keep thinking this while holding onto this belief and you will meet some of the most vile, heartless and superficial men.
And by the way, your mum is wrong.
Kate,
by “thinking this” and “keep holding onto this belief” I meant that if you keep thinking men just want beauty, you’re going to open yourself up to a host of problems.
Also, remember, “beauty” is subjective. For just as many definitions for what is the “perfect looking woman” there are counters to that. Take care.
Nicely said, Natalie (and I hope you enjoyed your very well-deserved time off!).
Well, there are two aspects to appearance, I think. First, there are the things about your appearance you can control – your dress, hygiene, physical conditioning, and the physical consequences of your lifestyle (for example, eating too little or too much, smoking, doing drugs, spending too much time in the sun, etc.). These things say a lot about who you are, and therefore I believe are “fair game” in assessing someone.
Then there’s pure genetics – what you were born with. I agree that judging someone negatively for not being beautiful is more problematic than judging the results of their psychology/lifestyle. Of course we all have our bio-evolutionary preference for more attractive people, but it’s simply a fact that you could miss out on a wonderful relationship because you don’t find them physically attractive.
As a person who prefers a certain type (slim, dark-haired, upturned nose, etc.) this is something I’ve wrestled with. It’s very difficult to change what one finds attractive, but I think it’s a preconception that everyone who’s had trouble finding an ideal relationship ought to challenge. (Just yesterday I encountered a lady who was completely my physical type, and I thought: This is someone I could get very serious about! And then I thought: What’s wrong with you? Why do you think she’s more compatible just because of how she looks? And what happens when the honeymoon phase is over and it’s basic compatibility that becomes paramount?)
So I didn’t ask for her phone number, though I was dying to. 🙂 Perhaps that represents progress?
Lawrence-
” Perhaps that represents progress?”
Or that’s the excu…I mean reason you tell yourself for chickening out? 😉 She might have been the love of your life and now you’ll never know…
Yes, I’m being mean, but mean it in a fun way. 🙂 You are right. We do need to challenge ourselves on what we’ll accept as far as physical appearance goes (the aspects you mentioned about a particular hair color, etc, things that a person has no control over).
I did challenge myself on that with a LDR guy. I prefer opposite hair and eye color from what I have and he had the same as mine. When we met, the chemistry was there and the physical sameness didn’t matter. Yet, he still turned out to be a jerk. I guess the point of the story here is that beauty and ugly are more than skin deep and dating outside our physical type doesn’t matter if our inner ‘type’ (relationship blueprint) hasn’t changed.
Lawrence,
Okay, you just answered some questions I was mulling over in regards to superficiality. Thankss.
I’ve struggled with my weight for most of my adult life. I realized that a lot of my issues come from my parents teaching me that appearance = self worth. I’m 32 and single, and just the other day, my Dad said, “If you keep working out and eating right, you’ll get a husband.” As if I’m completely unlovable as I am right now. For some reason I decided to stand up to him, and I told him that my weight does NOT define who I am as a person. I told him that I’m smart, attractive and dating someone right now. He was shocked. I’ve finally gotten to the point that I’m teaching myself that appearance doesn’t equal worth at all. Thank you for confirming that with this post!
That’s great you stood up for yourself, shame it had to be to your dad though 🙁 Parents are meant to be your number one support base, I cannot for the life of me figure how they can be inclined to be that way going by your example??! Nice you stood up to him 🙂
I grew up with a mom who fretted about her body and looks, was always on a diet. What I got out of that was always fretting about my body and looks, but, on the other hand, I don’t really care about how I look in that I’m not into shopping and clothes, and I seldom where make-up…I can’t be bothered for one, plus I really don’t like the way it feels on my skin. My sister is the same way!
However, I married a man obsessed with appearances, with the fact that I had an imperfect body, I wasn’t thin enough, I wasn’t blond, I wasn’t a lingerie model. So when he would ‘leave’ cut out pictures of lingerie models around the house (which he was jerking off to), he would declare it was MY fault since I was too heavy, poorly dressed (mind you, my clothes were just fine, no old lady clothes, just he wasn’t able to provide the $$ to allow me TO shop in the better stores…but that was also my fault…).
Years later, when I was with the post-divorce AC, he would make remarks about my not spectacular body (he was overweight, but considered himself ‘athletic’), was concerned about the ‘labels’ on my clothes, the fact that I didn’t spend $100 on a haircut, and the size of my clothes (his ex was a ‘4’, so that was his ‘gold standard’). It didn’t matter that I worked two jobs, was raising two kids totally alone with no financial help from the ex, had a craft business that made money, had two graduate degrees…In his mind I was ALWAYS lacking. He would compare my body to his ex or other ex girlfriends…when we were in bed!
Yes, he’s gone. Yes, I wised up. Ironically, when I unloaded that last sack of shit, I joined a gym, lost a ton of weight, went down many dress sizes, etc. I am now repulsed when a guy mentions my looks off the bat.
The moral is, once I stopped caring about what anyone thought about my looks and body, I started to look and feel better about what I have to work with. I’m healthy, my body can run for miles, and I can lift amazing amounts of weight. It’s a hard hurdle to jump, but it’s amazing when you do it.
Wow, Tracy, I loved reading your comment! What a power lady you are! And now, you have one more asset up your sleeve, your BR-education, so no AC can mess with you!
Natalie, how do you always manage to know what I’m thinking? So I’ve been assclown free for quite a while now (you will be glad to know :)) but now my age is getting to me. I feel like I look old – I cant imagine an attractive guy giving me the time of day and if one did I wouldn’t trust it. I am not quite sure how to get past the girl in the mirror. My self-esteem was not great to begin with and now aging is kicking my butt. I’m glad you wrote about this. It’s a real problem for a lot of women today.
Unfortunately, I feel the same way. I feel like I am at an age where the good looking guys don’t want to go. It’s a head game i play with myself. . . But where the hell has my confidence gone????
Yes, the age thing. I get it. I coasted on looking young for a very long time, but in the last 10 months or so, I feel like I have really started to look my age (will be 5-0 in January). It’s disturbing because my body feels fine, but my gray hair is just gross (I color it, but the texture is yucky), and I look exhausted all the time.
On the other hand…I don’t want to deal with any guy who ties HIS self-esteem to how young a little chickie has on his arm. Frankly, if a 50+ guy wants a woman who is/looks 30, screw him, he is an immature jackass. That’s the downside of online dating, I think. They ‘shop’ for younger woman, get wowed by the pictures and decide that’s the goal. Never mind HE looks like he’s 70!!
Amen, Tracy! I’m so sick of old men who want the young chippies – I’d rather stay single than deal with another AC. And I’m 57.
Tracy,
You could try using natural hair dyes for your grey hair (I´m thinking henna/indigo/cassia), they do improve the texture noticeably and you can get any colour if you experiment enough.
“I can’t imagine an attractive guy giving me the time of day”.
Well, guess what, if you can’t imagine it, it will never happen.
Ladies, I am surely one of the older women on this site. I did newspaper computer-dating when that was “new”. It taught me that men overestimate their looks and women underestimate their looks – no news there. It also taught me that no matter what you look like, there is someone out there who will think you are beautiful.
The men who only want youth stopped being interested in us when we hit 30. There are plenty of men out there who are just looking for a nice woman. There are plenty of men who like mature bodies. They know they are aging, too. Things have gone south on their bodies, too. There are men who want to be accepted and loved for who they are right now and will give it back to you.
But let’s face it, he isn’t going to look like Brad Pitt. Are you sure you are ready to have a real relationship with a real guy?
I was set up on a blind date this past New Years, and I could see in his eyes when we met that he really liked what he saw. But the dealbreaker for me is that he had no teeth. He was not bad looking, but he had no teeth. We had a pleasant time, and his conversation seemed to focus on his plans to improve his lot in life. He was late 40’s-early 50’s and definitely late in getting his financial life together…I did not pry into the “whys” of that. I could tell he was making his case for me giving him a chance.
But no deal for me.
It was nice to see that appreciation in his eyes though. It makes me know that someone more suited for me just might find me attractive too.
Computer-dating was pretty much a bust back in the day. I actually had a boyfriend I dumped respond to my ad – he did not know it was me! Don’t think I’m going to go the online dating route, though. Am going to make a point of broadening my horizons.
I myself have struggled with my weight and my appearance all my life. Typical yo-yo effect even when i was younger.I remember in high school at a basketball game i was with some friends(so-called) and there were some guys on the opposing side. Of course you can imagine how i was feeling. I remember us using a male friend of ours to pass messages back and forth. Which one wants to talk to us and what are their names. Well two of my friends got pretty good responses but me. I got a “hell no” from one of the guys. It hurt of course but i couldn’t let it bother me in front of my friends. So after the game i went home and the first place i went was the bathroom and looked into the mirror. Asking myself what is wrong with me I’m pretty. I still think of it to this day of how people and rejection can affect your self worth as a person. I have come a long way but sad to say i struggle with my self esteem each and everyday. I can say this past relationship has really damaged it to the core. But since the break up i have slowly appreciated my body and how i look and see myself for the real me. He truly made me feel worthless and ashamed of being me. I now see myself with a new sense of worth my days are hopeful and bright.
When I was about 13, at that stage where you haven’t quite settled into your looks, my mother told me that one of the neighbours had told her that I was quite plain looking and that I would find it hard to attract somebody..that has stayed with me for all these years and it did make me quite insecure to be honest so I did try to validate myself through having a man in my life ergo if I have a partner then I am not plain or unattractive and I am a worthwhile person.
I know I am not ugly, that I am found attractive and the ass clown tried to come back into my life because of my looks. But what about the other values I bring to a relationship…I am hard working, I am a good cook, I am well read, I have travelled, I don’t mind roughing it, I don’t mind hunting and can skin an animal haha all good qualities as far as I am concerned, I can use a log splitter and load a truck load of wood and still look feminine…but nope he wanted to come back for my boobs, bum and the sex, it made me doubt who I was as a woman and that as I age maybe I won’t be able to find someone if I lose my looks.
But I must admit for the first time ever I have not rushed off into the dating world, it’s about time I realised there are more positive sides to me then just how I look and that someone out there is going to love and value what I can bring to a relationship besides my boobs and bum and if not then that is their problem and not mine.
It’s just a matter of undoing 40 years of an ingrained perception about myself haha easy peasy (just kidding)!
My EU ex is obsessed with having his future kids look like him – tall, green eyes. He even told his one of his previous girlfriends who is Asian that he wants his kids to look like him. He didn’t think it was cruel to say that saying that he was just being honest. Though I’m from the same culture as him I wasnt super tall (5’7″) and have brown eyes. His fiancee now is from the same culture and tall with green eyes. It bugged me for so long cause the fact that he committed to a girl who looked like “him” made me feel inferior about my looks. I was feeling angry at the world for not being taller and not having colored eyes etc. What hogwash. I had to really sit myself down and ask myself if I REALLY wanted a guy so superficial. And no I didn’t. In the end that didn’t align with MY values. Anyways I finally cut the cord. A few months before he proposed to her he was saying how he wasnt ready for me at the time we dated and how maybe we could of worked out but passive aggressively blamed me for bad timing. *head shake* And I thought I had issues….
my best friend is a sexy , curvy korean lady who told me once that the key to happiness is finding your demographic and sticking to it. what will it gain you to convert every man who likes blond people into liking brunette people, even if there is a valid and strong argument for it? life is too short to spend debating each man into openmindedness. find where the brunette-loving people hang and go there…forever! my voluptuous asian bestie had major body issues growing up in an asian society that valued being petite and skinny but the day she discovered that people raised in diff societies PREFERED her body type she has never been happier, she stopped chasing asian guys who thought she was cool but could not get over her size and opened her mind to dating people of all races and colours who included her curves in the “because” of why they loved her instead of in the “in spite”. i had the opposite problem of growing up in a society that valued bootyliciousness where i was anything but. so moral of the story is that people like what they like and if what they like is not you, you shouldn’t like them. the same girls i hear complain about being slighted for their weight are the first to say stuff like ” i would never date a short guy” so we ladies do it too! i’m still working on this, i know it’s hard but we just have to love ourselves. it’s the only way.
kind of unrelated but related to BR blog in general i just read this and it reminded me a lot of your no-nonsense advice, nat !
p.s. if you don’t conform to the stereotype of what your society considers beautiful don’t assume that every guy around you drank the kool-aid. lots of asian guys aren’t shallow enough to pass up a nice asian lady cos she is curvy. the point of my story is to also consider broadening your own pool of ppl to date if the ppl around you who haven’t broadened theirs bums you out.
Amen, Kookie.
I have not had any weight issues, but I have still struggled with body image issues. As a teenager, I really struggled with the sudden growth spurt that led to a very big chest, much larger than most of the girls my age. By 17, I was about a 34DD. That was so disproportionate to the rest of my body that it made me feel very insecure about my body. In fact, all my girl friends in grade 5-6 were measuring their chests and bragging about their chest growth when I was pretty much flat-chested, and couldn’t understand why they wanted their bodies to change. I was happy with mine, and when my period started, I got really depressed. Within a year or two, I had outgrown all of my friends combined, and hated it. I also had issues with my looks (face). I thought I was ugly, felt ugly, was told I was ugly. I thought my nose was too big, or my lips were too weird, or my eyebrows too thick (my mom didn’t mention plucking eyebrows and I was too embarrassed to bring it up — I first plucked my brows at the age of 18 and let me tell you, I had VERY THICK ones — thickest I’ve ever seen). It was liberating to have my eyebrows plucked. Looking in that mirror made me feel so different. Before that, I didn’t even want to see myself in the mirror. It also did not help that even some teachers in school were a bit abusive at times — one of them in particular, I remember so well, in a fit of rage (in grade 4 or 5), told me, in front of the class, “you think you’re so smart and pretty? You’re not!” When I told my parents about this, they went to the school principal to complain. The teacher barely received a slap on the wrist, and she hated me even more after that. I was also bullied by (female) classmates, one in particular who had been very abusive/ bullying towards me since we were in kindergarten. We continued on to high school together and even then, she would band up with other schoolgirls and bully me in the hallways, in the classroom, anywhere she had the chance, for a reason unbeknownst to me.
Most importantly (I think), I also hated myself because my mom had mentioned a few times (probably rather innocently? when I got her talking about the past) that she had wanted to abort me, because she was in an abusive marriage with my dad (whom she is still married to). My mom loved me, I know that for a fact, but it still made me feel unwanted. I also had a fear of abandonment way before that, though. My parents used to fight a lot, and my dad was physically abusive at times, and I used to cry while they quarreled and he hit my mom. She used to threaten to divorce him, and I’d start thinking, what would happen if they divorce? Where would I go? Who would take care of me? I couldn’t bear the thought. It scared me so much. My sister, on the other hand, did not much care for any of their quarrels nor was she affected in any way whatsoever. Maybe it’s not just nurture but also (partly?) nature. At any rate, I have had very low self-esteem for a long long time. Never had a relationship until I met my ex (in a pub) at the age of 29… I was still a virgin, and he took my virginity, and I got horribly attached to him and fell in love with him (he was “ok” at the start, so it was easy to fall in love, especially with no prior experience in relationships). I was very emotionally stunted, so I was basically a teenager emotionally. Or maybe even a child. That said, I didn’t really come across as needy in the sense of wanting to talk to my ex all the time or be around him all the time, though I did want to see him (I think it’s normal for someone who likes you a lot to want to be with you as much as possible depending on their/your schedule and other activities). But my ex turned out to be a narcissist AC, who abused my trust horribly, abused me emotionally (never physically though) for an entire year, with emotional rollercoasters, emotional blackmail, and 3 break-ups (all initiated by him). He was very manipulative, and kept mind-fucking me about my looks, making me feel unsexy (by not wanting to have sex with me most of the time, and when he did, he would just ask for a blowjob), even making comments about how sexy other women were (on the street, on TV/in a movie, in porn, and in Thailand). He would tell me Thai women are different, have sexy bodies and aren’t fat like Western women, etc. I even started FEELING fat because of all that mindfuckery. Then I met a few more guys that I did one night stands with, and they made me feel so sexy. They could tell I was nervous and worried about what they thought of my body, but they just took my hands away from me trying to cover up a little bit of belly fat, etc. It felt nice to be appreciated no matter what my body looked like, and this was coming from men who were total strangers. Goes to show how much of a douchebag my ex was. Towards the end, I had been grasping for love and attention from him, but none was forthcoming of course. Anyway, I now take good care of my looks — I think of it as going hand in hand with my intelligence. I do think that taking good care of one’s looks is essential and leaves a different impression on people, but that’s different than wanting to change one’s looks (i.e. get facial surgery or that sort of thing). I don’t wear fancy clothes but I have realized the need to update my wardrobe. And, I do it not for other people to like me, but because it makes me feel happy and accomplished and sexy. When I wear a suit with a skirt, and heels, it just makes me feel so much different than if I wear jeans and a tshirt. I have not felt very confident in my career choices up until now, and I am struggling financially and don’t have a stable/decent job, so definitely wearing certain types of clothing (jeans, etc.) makes me feel less accomplished than wearing suits, etc. These days, I go to work and school in a suit, and it has made my colleagues look at me and act differently around me. I have also changed my attitude, and am more confident with my looks and in my own skin, than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I do think that appearances matter, but not in the way that a lot of / most people think it does. I would hate for anyone to see me as a mere object of beauty. I am not some work of art or a statue. I am a human being with intelligence, who has a mind of her own, and is very opinionated. Nowadays, I flush men who compliment me on my looks excessively. Compliment me on my intelligence, on my achievements, on whatever, and sometimes maybe on my looks/what I am wearing, etc., but not all the damn time — don’t make me be all about what I am wearing or what I look like. That’s my motto.
I don’t know if I’m considered attractive or not; I do think context has a bit to do with it. Living in BC, many people say, is part of it. Certainly in Toronto you see a lot more mixed couples, a lot more people who look like me and so people (meaning the majority of people who are around me, i.e. white folks) are used to it and don’t consider me foreign. Here I get asked about my background, and people play guess-the-ethnicity, in ways more cosmopolitan folks just wouldn’t.
For me to date in this town means generally looking for dudes who are comfortable with interracial dating – and well, there just aren’t very many guys doing that out here. It feels like high school all over again. I don’t get approached. Like, nothing, nada, except the work MM for two years. I did go on a couple of dates that I initiated online – those went fine. I think I do what I can with what I’ve got, that I’m not the ugly hosebag the white boys used to say I was, but certainly when I’m at my low points I have to wonder – is that what I am to “regular” people?
If you ask me, I sometimes think I’m even pretty. Then sometimes I see myself and get this cold feeling that I’ve been deluding myself.
I watched last week as one of my male students refused to take an empty seat (the only empty seat, easily accessible, left at the desks arranged in a circle) next to a very overweight female student. He just sat at a desk outside the circle. I couldn’t call him out on why he didn’t join the group without embarrassing her. This is what we do to each other over looks?
I spent years trying to deny certain aspects of our social reality because I wanted to live as if “looks don’t matter.” But when I improved my self-esteem so did my comportment. And when I eat better and exercise, because I’m taking care of me, my looks reflect, to a degree, what’s going on with me emotionally. That said, now nothing I can do short of surgery will change the five-month pregnant looking bulge I now carry, and I would be devastated to think that someone who loved me would have dropped me for that, that someone decent would ever not date me because of it, or ever make me feel unattractive over it.
I don’t have the answers to this – it feels like it’s a much different challenge to be an attractive, or even moderate looking, person trying to sort through attention to be loved for who she is than it is to be a woman of wonderful character trying to be loved when her body/appearance will be judged as below a certain baseline standard of acceptability. Honestly, given how little I’m approached, and the decent care I give to my day-to-day hygiene and outfits, sometimes I wonder if I do fall below that baseline.
And I’m feeling relatively good about myself these days.
I went out with a guy once who kept telling me I was gorgeous, had a great body, beautiful eyes (he called them my babyblues), and that he loved holding someone small ……..then told me he dreams of going out with an African girl, tall, dark, exotic. And he looked at me and said, you are short and blonde. It would have been funny had it not hurt so much. If you are with someone who is focused so much on appearance, you can’t win no matter what.
Drama seeker, he is a classic socio- and probably told the exotic African girl that he wanted a blue eyed blonde, just to see her disappointment. Please never ever take these pathetic people seriously. just nod and wink knowingly that you know their head game. There are websites on it – a pick up artist site, it is called ‘the neg’ meaning, say some thing negative to a cute women so that she scrambles trying to prove herself. Google it.
thanks, anon, excellent advice and something I had not thought of. Everytime I post here, I get really helpful replies, and what’s even better, all from people that know what they are talking about, because they have been there!
Thank you so much for this article. I now realise, that what I had ‘learnt’ from my mother about appearance was so unbelievably weird and distorted with absolutely no logic what so ever lol. Reading this article has reaffirmed to me,what I started to think/realise for a good little while now :)x
I often relate this back to how I react to these things.. I the past there have been some really good looking guys & then when I talk to them I think yikes get me away from this dumb arse. It was hilarious recently a young sexy guy tried it on at the work Christmas party I laughed cos he reminded me of a ken doll…so silly. But one thing Ive always struggled with is my bust…it’s small my body is very slim & fit, I do exercise..but sometimes no bust makes a gal feel unwomanly, that said I’ve had awesome boyfriends who loved me to death anyway…but my husband for some reason didnt act like I was attracting him….he seemed to stretch his neck @ any other woman & I think he had some inferiority complex that gorgeous girls would not like him so I expect he would dump me any chance he got to be with any other woman. I’ve had some gorgeous friends who are fantastic, smart & kind people too. Personality, wit & humour really attract me….I swear if a guy is witty he turns me on. Ex husband & I could never get each others jokes!! But looks are also cultural…..I think we are just naturally attracted to certain types but looks are not the main thing in attraction. I love a person who looks after themselves but cannot stand a materialistic person…it’s vulgar
Hi all,
I felt compelled to comment as someone who has suffered and is overcoming eating disorders along with other modes of self-rejection.
A huge part of getting better has involved getting over the idea that appearance MUST have great weighting in your life.
It can, and it did– because I let it!
Natalie is right – I attracted terrible people, both friends and partners, who had superficial values and similar problems, which dragged me down deeper into my pool of self-loathing.
You CHOOSE what values are important in your life.
Whether it is looks, money, status OR love, support, understanding and many other non-superficial values that may be important to you. This is up to you!
You can have it all, I suppose – but that might mean you won’t be understanding of imperfections and miss out on many wonderful friendships and relationships.
I stopped the self-loathing, began healing, and gradually cared less about what people thought of me (my looks and everything else).
It is then that I finally met someone who rarely ever talks about looks, and has made me realise how much I do have to offer other human beings.
It’s a special feeling to be valued beyond your looks and superficiality.
His beauty is in that he makes me feel so special – and he tells me the same.
Who did I attract before my healing process? My ex who constantly told me I was “beautiful” and then would remind me I had achieved all my awards because of my appearance, then cheated on me, and his other girlfriend, because one person can not satisfy his needs. That’ll make you feel like crap, even if you looked like Elle McPherson.
That’s what you get when you place too much value on appearances!
Attractiveness is so much more an inner quality than an outer one. Hair, bone structure, teeth, weight, age… all superficial stuff for the most part. A partner worth having won’t care about all that. They’ll care about how you feel about yourself and how you take care of yourself. Confidence is attractive. Kindness is attractive. Enthusiasm about your life is attractive. Loving yourself enough to take care of your health is attractive. The ability to be happy is attractive. Belief in yourself is attractive. I remember a comment made long ago by Barbra Streisand, who certainly wasn’t conventionally pretty, and she was being interviewed by someone and this topic came up. She said “here is me feeling ugly” – and her face just changed and she looked terrible. She did look ugly. Then she said “here is me feeling beautiful” – and the transformation was astounding! She looked absolutely radiant and gorgeous. It’s all about the inner landscape.
And another “Amen!”
We do tend to have the perception that better looking people have better lives. The beauty industry wouldn’t be able to draw on our beauty/body/weight insecurities if this wasn’t true! If you were a size 4 then your boyfriend wouldn’t have dumped you. If you had amazing blonde glossy hair he wouldn’t be checking out every other woman in the room!
In my previous long term relationship I never felt pretty or attractive. He would say ‘you need to be a size 12’ and pressure me to lose weight. He has a preference for skinny women with no boobs. I am 14-16 with a large chest. He would always check out other women in front of me, make comments about other women’s body parts, was a heavy porn user and eventually and inevitably cheated on me.
It was total strangers who would compliment me and made me realise that I am pretty, curvy, attractive…This was a shock, I just thought I was fat-unlovable.
I don’t have much luck in the dating scene. People say ‘I can’t believe you are single’, but men don’t approach me. Not at least the right men. They seem drawn to the scantily clad blonde bimbo types. Whereas I am an intelligent brunette. Online doesn’t seem to be much better. Lot’s of guys claim they want attractive, intelligent, strong women-why am I still single then?! I usually get really unattractive old guys who I have nothing in common with. I don’t base things on looks alone. O.K I don’t expect to find David Beckham with a Phd. But don’t want to settle for Johnny Vegas!
So timely as usual, Natalie. My looks play a huge, if not primary, role in how I feel about myself. And when I gained alot of weight, I literally hid from the world outside of going to work. I lost the weight and felt like myself again and my life changed for the better. I am emotional eater and gained 50 pounds over the past 2 years. I am working hard to lose it, but I avoid dating and social events because of the way I look.
I don’t judge other people on their looks, which is interesting based on the way you describe it above. But my relationships have definitely been with people who were with me, initially at least, because of the way I looked.
I am working hard to value me based on other factors than appearance. Your article provides some great insights.
Leilani: I share the same responses from men as you do. I am fairly shapely with a large chest something i have dealt with all threw my childhood. I would get compliment from random guys mind you they are fairly older. I have always carried myself in a classy mature way even threw my teen years so all the time i get “are you married” “I know you have a man” or “I can’t believe you are single”. I can count on my hand the number of times a actual guy came up and approached me. Its like what am i missing? I’m sorry i don’t dress half naked or my butt is not huge or have hair real or not hanging down to my butt. I just sit and wonder what is it about me? Then it hits me its not about “ME”. I was so consumed what people thought of me or how they saw me on the outside. I lost myself in the process. Its a process that i know and I’m learning to smile and love who i see in the mirror. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So i will continue to love me until my “bonus” comes along.
I think I just felt that looks were the security which enabled me to get a guy I want. After I ended things with the AC because he kept cheating with prettier girls, I realised I wanted to be prettier too.
I have signed up for a cosmetic surgery consultation on the 30th for a nose job because I’ve always hated my nose after years of bullying, jokes and side-profile photos I can’t bear to look at.
But it is expensive (beyond what I can easily afford) and will be painful. I don’t know how everyone who knows me will react. But there are times when I lie in bed thinking about a new nose and dreaming about how happy I will be.
Maybe I’m being stupid, but it feels like after that everything else will fall into place too. I will get a job, I will get a boyfriend. Unemployment and low self-esteem tends to go hand in hand.
I really want to do it for myself – but am I just focusing too much on the superficial me and not enough on what I should be improving about myself internally?
I had a nose job when I was around 19. Even after that I still can find stuff I don’t like about my nose. It won’t be perfect and won’t solve problems. I joined some money and my mother payed the rest.
I wouldn’t care what other people think. I didn’t at that time and now that I am 42 I would do it again.
The only think I don’t agree with you is dreaming that this will change your life. It won’t. You need to make he change not your nose.
Thanks Allie
I just want to do it as soon as possible too. But I know in my heart or hearts that my expectations may be too unrealistic.
It’s likely that after the consultation I may decide not to go through with the op, but we’ll see.
I also don’t want it to be the start of a cosmetic surgery junkie life. That once I sort out my nose I start wondering “what next”.
I was in a car accident in 1986 and smacked the steering wheel with my face. I had wanted a nose job before then, as I didn’t like my Native American nose with the large “bump.” I was very happy with the results and it really didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. If you think you will feel better about yourself with a n. job, get it. It never hurts to feel better.
I think you should do what you feel comfortable with and what makes you happy. Do it for yourself, though, not for others. I think that a lot of people who claim they wouldn’t have done a nose job, would’ve had a different opinion if they had other people’s noses… IMO, it’s not necessarily superficial. I can understand in a lot of cases why people get nose jobs. My mom had a very crooked nose, but never got a nose job, and thank God I didn’t get her nose. Even then, I still don’t like my nose, but I have realized how lucky I am that I don’t have to deal with the choice of getting or not getting a nose job.
I probably wouldn’t have gotten a nose job unless I had a really really badly crooked nose, because the fear of the pain and recovery process would’ve been a deterrent. I am not sure, though. At some point, maybe the fear would’ve given way to the desire to feel “normal.”
I still say go for it if it will make you feel better, but don’t go into it thinking that it will solve all your self-esteem-related issues with your body image/facial features. None of us is perfect. And being pretty is not always a blessing. It can be a curse, too. I have realized that I am actually quite pretty, despite the fact that I’ve struggled all my life with body/facial issues (mostly in my head). All my friends are sort of jealous of me. If I take care of myself and put on natural make-up especially, and take a little bit more care of my hair, I turn heads when I walk down the street, even when wearing jeans and a tshirt. But, I have also realized that this has attracted a lot of narcissistic men / douchebags/ ACs, who think they are so good they can get any woman, especially very pretty ones. Nice guys, meanwhile, might think I am way out of their league. I’ve noticed it happen with me. And even if they do gather the courage to approach me, and then ask me what I do, and I tell them I am finishing up a doctoral degree, they feel very intimidated and think I am way out of their league unless they are also highly educated as well. The douchebags, meanwhile, do not feel intimidated by that, because for them, it’s a challenge to win over a pretty, intelligent lady, and then to get sex from her and then discard her. It’s an ego thing. I had this happen to me with a guy I met at a bar, who wined and dined me a few times, had sex with me, and then disappeared into thin air for 2 months, then reappeared, thinking he could weasel his way back into my genitals.. lol… Bottom line is: pretty is overrated and isn’t necessarily always a blessing.
Thanks for the comment Lara
I agree that it’s not always a blessing, but I think it may help with my self esteem issues. I also agree that there is a lot of superficial attraction to people who are deemed pretty, but I think it’s the initial attraction which is necessary for a relationship to go further – sure, after the person gets to know you they will find you pretty no matter what, but initially they need something to be attracted to.
But I think while I still have some youth left I should get the image I want.
My nose isn’t very crooked, just big. Especially since I have a thin face it looks bigger.
I will make up my mind for sure once I have got a price tag and have got all the information I want.
I found out the hard way that even men who aren’t particularly attractive will dog you out too. I am not sure if they have a vendetta; if they’re insecure or what but don’t be fooled by the guy with mediocre or meh looks either … he is still a man/boy.
Yeah, I agree. I think too many people equate unattractive guys to nice guys, but I’ve found that that’s not necessarily the case. Looks do not show character, one way or the other! I was wined and dined by a guy I met in a bar, who pursued me heavily at first, who was not terribly good-looking (actually, totally not good looking by my standards, and was extremely thin). After having sex with me, he disappeared into thin air, then resurfaced 2 months later and texted me as if nothing had happened. He was so thin that I felt like I was the man in bed lol. I could easily wrap my arm around his entire waist. :S Totally unattractive. Yet, and I am sure he knew that he wasn’t that good-looking and did not have the body type most women would like to see on a man (he was also rather short), he was a douchebag.
I’ve always felt awkward about my looks. As a teenager, I was very lanky, and the neighborhood boys called me Olive Oyl. In 5th grade a boy called me homely, and it hurt my feelings. I was teased about the size of my nose, my clothes, and the coarseness/style-less-ness of my hair, which naturally made me very self conscious and withdrawn. We all know how cruel kids can be, and my mother offered little to no encouragement about my looks and how I would eventually blossom. Having these issues with my looks early on landed me in relationships where I was treated badly, primarily because I didn’t value my uniqueness, and felt that ‘Wow, someone wants to be with me so I can’t be that bad.”
As I’ve gotten older, I’m much more accepting of my looks. I can point out more things I like about my physical attributes than things that I dislike. I often receive compliments on my complexion, my smile, the way I carry myself, and how I don’t look my age. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and fortunately, others can see the beauty in us that we can’t see in ourselves. I have those days when I feel ugly and gross, but they are few and far between. I love the person looking back at me in the mirror. Sometimes I’ll wink at my reflection, or slap myself on the backside if my jeans are fitting especially well. I take good care of myself, and my confidence has increased tremendously since I began exercising regularly, changed my diet, and dropped 35 lbs. (not to mention ceasing contact with the AC). We all have our preferences of physical attributes when it comes to romantic interests, but things that can attract me initially: strong arms, a warm smile, sense of humor, and good hygiene, can repulse me just as quickly if that person is arrogant and disrespectful. My attraction now is much more internal than external, and I know that anyone who dislikes me or chooses not to talk to/get to know me because of the way I look isn’t worth my time or effort anyway.
To assume that other people can control our view of ourselves is what creates low self-esteem in the first place and I think a lot of what people judge about you is mostly projection, whether good or bad. There’s more to life than vanity(emptiness)…exalting it above all else is to live a sub-human existence.
I ask myself, “why do I need to have someone think I’m attractive or not?”…It’s a psychological lust that cannot be satisfied anyway.
Whoah Yana,
You are a human being with some incredibly brilliant things to say. Wow.
JustHer- I don’t think there’s any problem with your decision to change your nose, I’ve thought about breast enhancement but to tell the truth I’m too chicken with pain! But I don’t think u can rely on that procedure to change your life. Jobs come through knowing your subject, good communication skills and a general interest in your field….people work hard to get good jobs they don’t just come because of your looks. I love my job and many times it has removed me from worrying or thinking too much about appearance. I like the fact that people ask my opinion at work because I have a skill not because of my looks. One other thing that helps is exercise – I love it & feel great when i sweat it out. Good luck with the op, you are very brave.
Genki you sound like me!
I am absolutely pain averse and this decision has been a long time coming. I haven’t even made up my mind for sure yet because I feel like I have to convince my family first too! Imagine their shock if I just turn up with a new nose one day.
I guess it is the cumulative effect of everything falling apart which makes me feel like this is the one thing I have total control over and can change. My love life, work life and general happiness seems way too far out of my reach.
Lovely post.
We women get so tied down in worrying about appearance and it truly is a prison.
A couple of years ago I did “five items or less”, choosing 5 items of clothing and wearing only them for a month. It was surprising how freeing it was not having the indecision and anxiety input choosing what to wear. I ended up feeling very much better about myself (I am who I am, I am not what I wear). I think it’s time for another round!
Women have so much pressure on them these days to look young, slim and gorgeous and there are multi million dollar business out there who are dedicated to perpetuating this myth and parting us from our hard earned dollars in the pursuit of eternal youth and beauty.
I look around at my fellow females and what do I see – no supermodels in my supermarket or coffee shop, just ladies of every age, shape and size getting on with their families, friends and living their lives. The supermodels and movie stars are in their own hell of trying to say young and gorgeous, battling time, gravity and trying to keep those extra pounds off.
I really like the 5 items or less and will do it at the start of October. Time also for a huge clear out of the wardrobe, who am I trying to impress by wearing a different outfit every time I go out socially? I have implemented an if I buy a new item and I have to throw out an old item and this is for everything not just clothing.
Nat’s right, leading with looks and sex appeal is a losing strategy for ourselves and our long term happiness.
Thank you for post Natalie! Somehow I became more confident when I started to get older, I feel more attractive and more sexier:) but it does NOT help me to attract guys I want, haha! Who cares, I love me, this is the most important!
Really good post Natalie.
I am one of those that was guilty of placing too much emphasise on looks and material things. What I ended up with was meeting a major player that was good looking, charming etc that wined and dined me few times then done a disappearing act never to be seen or heard from again. Of course this had me feeling like I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, earning enough money, the list goes on. The whole situation actually made me feel depressed for months. I then stumbled across BR, started seeing a counsellor, and regained my self worth and esteem. This process took me 2 years and in the last few months I have met someone special who is the complete opposite to what I always searched for. He has made an effort to get to know me, doesn’t only communicate via text, sticks to plans that we make and has brought me into his world. I struggled at first because frankly I was used to dealing flashy players but I’m comfortable with him and whilst he is does very well for himself he’s humble and is genuinely looking for a companion. Sometimes we create ideals in our heads and when they don’t work or materialise we automatically place the blame on ourselves. I would never hve looked twice at this guy previously because he didn’t my ideal type mainly because he’s white (I’m black) but surprisingly we have clicked, we don’t share all the same common interests but we do share values.
“Love looks not with the eyes: but with the mind,
And therefore is wing’d Cupid painted blind”-William Shakespeare
I love this. Thanks!
As a reasonably attractive person (subjectively, I think I’m gorgeous!) with the usual quota of insecurities, I’ve learned over the years that if you have a ‘bottom line’ (e.g. ‘I think I’m gorgeous, and that’s good enough for me and for everyone else, thank you’) and you find ways to make you feel good (for me, it’s running five to eight miles per week, eating well and having a decent beauty routine that enhances the real me and shows I care about me), then you will be better able to resist the superficial people, for whom nothing ever seems to be good enough! Building your own confidence shines from the inside out.
Well said Natalie. Have had these issues for years. Finally, in my 50’s (!) I’m getting to grips with it. Recently met a fab guy…quietly attractive, and just lovely. Ten years ago I wouldn’t have gone there. And maybe he wouldn’t have fancied me either, who knows… We are good together. Thanks for confirming what I am just getting to grips with! x
Agreed with this post. Many of the EUMs are great on paper and awful in real life. My ex was very good looking, wealthy, a good job, and always played mr nice guy /generous guy with all these gifts and trips. All the while it was a tactic to manipulate me to then give me crumbs, speak to me in a nasty tone, and not spend time with me or invite me anywhere. I felt so awful/confused. We broke up 3 months ago and he has not stopped contacting me despite that I have told him nicely, rudely, in every possible way to leave me alone!!! He’s pushing this “friendship” hard and it’s more for his ego and his convenience of not losing me. He texts me things like “I miss you so much. I’m so messed up. All I do is beat myself up about us” and has said this every weekend for 3 months! Like a broken record. After yesterday I’m so relieved because I can finally block him!!! All of you ladies with iPhones having issues with no contact please update your phone, the new update allows you to block texts and calls! You will never see them! They can only leave a voicemail and how many ACs would go that far with their half as* attempts? I am so happy for a new beginning with no mindf*ckery like what’s been eating me away these past three months. If they can’t respect your requests to leave you alone do yourself a favor and block them.
I am doing it again. It’s been four days, I’ve been very NC with the ex of six months who left me right around the time I was diagnosed with a chronic illness.
And I’ve still checked his fb page twice, as well as that of one of his coworkers who I felt threatened by ever since I saw her pics (I recently saw this right before we broke up – maybe it’s just all part of the trauama). Ties right into this blog post’s theme.
Why am I doing this to myself and torturing myself? After years of bullying, I finally entered the “pretty girl stage” and feel attractive.
And yet…I am still comparing myself to random girls whom I do not know. Who probably don’t even matter to him outside of a professional realm. Who, because of my trust issues, I fabricate stories in my head about (my trust issues also got in the way of this relationship, even though there had never been a reason to suspect he had ever been unfaithful). Basically, no matter how “pretty” I get, I am never satisfied. Again, true to what Nat says – if you are shallow, you will attract shallow people. Unless you work on your insides, you will constantly rely on the empty shell of your outside to define you. It feels gross.
I tell myself that I am unique and irreplaceable, that no one can quite be like me no matter what they look like. It helps when I remember to love myself and treat myself kindly. But I keep regressing back to this childish phase.
Ugh. Can someone please give me a nice dose of a reality check? Or, perhaps sanity check. I know it’s only been four days and I expected I might relapse a little, but I expected better of myself by now.
I am harming myself by doing this, I know, but I just need a firm kick in the butt right now.
Courtney I have been where you said and still struggle often.
I also knew his password to his fb so even after we broke up I would log-in and see who he had been talking to and then stalk all those girls.
I fabricated realities where he was sleeping with each and every one of them. I would judge their clothes, their hair, their friends and generally drive myself insane.
You need to STOP. It NEVER gets easier. If I opened his fb today (it’s been almost a year of on-off NC) I would STILL be just as hurt I was before. You MUST delete and block his fb to free yourself from the continuous roller-coaster of desperation and jealousy.
I read this quote: “Stop wondering why he left you for her, everyone is unique. No one can give him what you gave him and you couldn’t have given him what she will.”
It’s no good comparing yourself because you are TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!
Just her
Great post. So, so true.
When I was young, in the 1970’s, models like Christie Brinkley, Cheryl Tiegs, and Cybil Shepherd were considered the gold standard of beauty. I felt, oh, if I just looked like that, everyone would love me and life would be perfect. It was shocking…and freeing to read Cybill Shepherd’s autobiography a few years ago. Her relationships with men were horrible. Beautiful women can be magnets to very shallow guys, players, and narcissists.
Natlaie,
I wish I could say I completely agree with all of this. Good, Lord, I wish I could. I feel hypocritical in the advice I give to others verses the superficial issues I grapple with.
Not so long ago, I was waltzing around with the mantra, “It is completely unimportant what we look like on the outside.”
But if that were true, if superficialities weren’t important, than why buy certain shoes? I mean come on we’d all be in geriatric loafers if it didn’t. Or why shop and buy “cute” or stylish things. These are all superficial right?
I guess I’m getting to a point where if I’m not willing to walk the walk (a monk’s wardrobe only meeting basic human needs for hygiene) than I really can’t say superficialities don’t matter. As long as I’m willing to buy clothes I don’t have any idea how were made in the name of I like them, then I really am still in the superficial web.
It would be nice if severe acne didn’t hurt, hold us back or send us crying at night into the sheets, or if being overweight weren’t isolating and scary, or if not having stylish clothes didn’t feel sorrowful in the western world.
But it isn’t like that. These things do hurt. Do they matter? I’m not sure. Less than we’d like to think as well as more than we’d like to think.
Perhaps, the key here is balance: a continued appreciation for the superficial with the realization that it is just that: what’s on the surface.
Natalie, I also wish I hadn’t mis-spelled your name.
And anyone who has any feedback on how they successfully married superficial likes with their spiritual beliefs, values, etc would be greatly appreciated.
Peanut,
Please do google “five items or less”, and try that challenge. It it a great experiment and very, very calming for me; hard to explain, but it helped so much in not worrying about clothes etc. It felt like a declaration of “this is me and I am okay. I do not need to struggle to attract anyones attention with superficial things”. Very confidence building.
Ah, priorities. Instantly I knew the activity. I was hesitant to think about it because we’re getting a metal roof on our house and I’m terrified our house will catch on fire and that damn thing will trap us all in here. Plus, I have a metal phobia. And it gives me a rash when it touches my skin. Can’t be good. Gold and platinum are fine. Weird. But, alas it goes:
My grandparents, my dog, me, and my phone to call for help.
I hope I got the activity right.
I grappled with this one for a long time, Peanut, but I came to the conclusion that beauty, in itself, is a nice good thing – I mean, in a person or a sunset or a pair of shoes. It’s nice and it makes people happy to see it.
It’s just not the ONLY nice good thing about life and, in itself, it’s not a one to be relying on in any sense because we’re all going to get old, go south and lose some of our hair.
I had to make a concerted effort to stop caring about my appearance (and at first it was in a “oh what’s the point anyway” sort of a way) but I find that, having done so, I like the way I look more, and afaics so do other people.
Besides, I came to the conclusion a while ago that I’d rather people liked the way that I looked because they liked me, rather than liking me because they like the way I look (hassle!) My favourite beautiful people are probably pretty ordinary-looking by general standards (average height, average faces, average bodies average hair etc) but I like them and I love their company and ergo they’re beautiful – and the little individualities that make them them are beautiful.
They’re usually smiley too, which helps.
Meant to add…
I wasn’t born beautiful (although okay-looking, which is blessing in itself and probably makes life easier than I realise, so I should be grateful for that). But I wasn’t born into a millionaire’s family or with a genius mathematical brain or a natural flair for French cuisine, either.
Whatevs. I can live with it.
Yogurt,
I’m not typically beautiful either. I don’t think anyone really is, unless they’re under the age of twenty five, have money, kick ass genes, devote an ungodly amount of time to it, or are on a magazine.
Beauty is considered through a typecast in mainstream media. I’d be willing to say the beauty industry has done more damage to young women’s images of themselves than the porn industry.
It’s like people making these decisions go, “Ah, oh, ooooold people, ew, reminds me of how I am GOING TO LOOK JUST LIKE THAT SOMEDAY. Eh, get it away, and BRING IN THE TWENTY-YEAR-OLD TO SELL THIS DISGUSTING PERFUME OR THESE JEANS MADE IN A FACTORY BY A FIFTY YEAR OLD DISABLED MAN. Sounds good.”
Oh, so terrible.
I’m not a troll by societal standards, I guess, but this severe adult acne and cookie addiction might just put in that category.
But, I’m getting to a place where I don’t care. One of the most beautiful women I have ever laid eyes on is a vocalist in an indie band. Sometimes she has real greasy hair (okay maybe a lot of the time or maybe it’s just sweat) and wears a lot of shoulder pads. I don’t know what it is, though. She is captivating.
That is the best kind of beauty: the kind that leaves you happier, more whole and a bit frenzied for seeing it. Like you don’t know where it came from, but that you know it sure as hell wasn’t from an ad exec.
Real beauty can’t be copied or contrived. It’s wholly original and leaves you feeling like you’ve got kicked in the gut (in the best kind of way possible), it draws you in, leaves you nourished, wanting more and looking forward to more at the same time.
That’s a heady job beauty has. And ain’t no glossy magazine cover gonna do the trick 😉
I spelled your name wrong 🙁 What is with me and that? It’s like my mind goes, “Don’t fuck up the spelling of their names,” and my fingers turn to noodles.
I promise I am not being facetious or disrespectful, but I am coming at this question with a whole-hearted fervor for truth:
WHAT DOES EQUAL WORTH? Where does it come from?
Ah! I think I might have answered my own question (at least one of them. sort of).
Perhaps there is a difference between healthy self expression, surrounding ourselves with what we like (a component of self nurture) from an authentically genuine place versus wanting the “right” shoes, clothes, bags, botox/facelift (eeek!) in order to fit in, get and or keep friends or snag a mate. Ahhhh, ah ha!
Thanks for everyone’s comments, really interesting to read. I always learn a lot from these posts and discussions. It is good to see so many women out there battling to be individual and to celebrate their uniqueness. I totally agree that it is a great sales ploy to make people (women especially) feel so inadequate that they have to buy beauty products (and even go as far as having cosmetic surgery, in extreme cases)just to feel that they might be accepted. But always, the goal-posts are moving. I agree that in some ways we are programmed to find ‘beautiful’ people attractive, but beauty is, in my opinion, not what we see in magazines or gossip columns. A lot of these celebrities have ugly personalities. It is awful that we all buy into the nonsense that we have to look a certain way just to get a partner. In my experience, it doesn’t pan out in real life. People of all shapes and sizes have meaningful relationships, and basically the most attractive thing of all is genuine confidence and acceptance/celebration of who you are.
“I was ashamed of me.”
I think the type of relationship I got myself involved with a ‘friends with benefits’ situation has left me feeling ashamed about myself.
I let him chip away at my worth and self esteem. (though not high to begin with)
He so rarely complimented me I had no idea what he thought of my looks. I could wear something one time he could say he likes it but when I wore it again he would have some problem with it.
He came up with rule that we couldn’t touch in public which immediately triggers thoughts about what’s wrong with me? I don’t mean over the top displays of affection but what is wrong with holding hands as you walk along?
One occasion he was rubbing my back but as soon as he heard footsteps behind him he moved his hand so quickly like he had been burned.
If we were in a group situation he often ignored me and if I spoke up about it he would just say
“Well I went home with you.”
I have seen pictures of him on Facebook touching other women. Ones he would deem good enough I suppose. Nothing ever appeared on Facebook with us two in it.
It made me very insecure and feel very ugly and by the end I felt suicidal, though it seems shallow what I wrote above I think it was all the mind fuckery the say one thing mean another that got me so low and feeling so ashamed of who I was and how I looked.
I have been called ugly a lot in life so I guess he just knew exactly how to play on all my insecurities.
I am building myself up after taking a massive fall I am no contact and have learnt my lesson about Facebook. I still care what this man thinks and if I look at his page or any of his harem women’s pages I trigger all the bad thoughts about myself.
All I can say is something must be horribly wrong with me looks wise, personality wise that he could treat me so appallingly.
Song,
This man is a fuckwad.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Please do not accept and stick around for this kind of behavior.
Generally the people bullied are the ones that have most most authentic, exceptional beauty.
I bet you are special. I bet you are beautiful.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
Song, believe me when I say that there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THE WAY YOU LOOK. Or the way that you are, come to that.
It’s all part of the game. At some stage, early in your interaction, he picked up that it was something that you felt insecure about and he realised that he could play it to keep you down and himself as King of the Beasts.
How other people treat you isn’t a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of them, repeat x100.
The same dude would treat a supermodel/saint/epic wit of society the same way if he thought he could get away with it and that they’d care. And that would be because he’s nasty, not because they deserved it, either.
I came out of my EU experience feeling like I was social dregs. If I’d known then what I know now, I wouldn’t have wasted a second worrying about it – I’m not (although if I was it wouldn’t matter; I still wouldn’t have deserved to be treated like that). Neither are you.
Song, those passive/aggressive EUMs make you feel off-balance. It’s their specialty. I dated a single P/A EUM for a while…we were more like off-and-on FWB. He’s in a band and I go see them play. He’d never notice me in the audience and if he did acknowledge me during the breaks, his head would swivel so much looking at other women while I attempted conversation that I once asked “Are you looking for someone??”. He wasn’t. But it makes you feel like your conversation is just too too boring. Never gave me a compliment but would call me the next day to talk about how attractive other women at the place were. He was always talking up the attributes of other women to me.
I’ve lost 53 pounds eating healthily, and when I next saw him he did not mention it. A few conversations later I brought up the weight loss saying “Didn’t you notice?” and he said “Yeah I noticed immediately but thought maybe you had become a crackhead.”
It’s like they refuse to give you any good will.
I dumped sex with him prior to losing the weight because I always felt “alone” being with him, he was so aloof after sex and the relationship never deepened…we’ve known each other for 20 years. I called him at work 3 years ago to tell him I no longer wanted to have sex with him, ever. He had no reaction other than saying OK. I felt instantaneous relief after that call and now, when I go to his shows, it does not hurt me when his head is swiveling every which way and he is telling me about every attractive woman he sees. For giggles, or payback maybe, I told him about the blind date a girlfriend set up for me last New Years, and how I had a pleasant time but no bells & whistles happened. The BR EUM playbook came out, he started emailing hello more often and even now makes more effort to stay in touch. He’s afraid that maybe I really won’t stay on his fallback list. I can tell he keeps checking in, thinking that sex might happen again simply because of past history.
Letting go of him was the easiest thing I ever did. I’m not even sure I like him. But I do like having opportunities to go to clubs where there is someone who knows me…I feel safer as a single woman alone.
Song, these guys are stunted and their opinions are worthless. Do not take anything they say to heart.
Thank you for all the replies.
They have been very helpful as I get the message through to my head it’s him not me.
I am no contact with this guy have been for a little while now.
I do not recommend a friends with benefits situation you are already starting on the backfoot and asking yourself now why aren’t I good enough to be your girlfriend ?
Thank you again each reply has really helped me to keep moving and working on me.
I have major issues in this department. I was consider ugly by my own parents and it was perpetuated throughout my teenage years by them trying to keep me as plain as possible as my gorgeous, older stepsister was something of a slut. Yep, there are still body issues that I hate about myself, big Indian nose on a small face, disproportionately large hips and heavy legs even after 170 ultramarathons. Still, I work hard to keep weight off, am super clean and well groomed, even in work clothes, speak well, am very well read, and always carry myself with dignity and treat all others with kindness. Mags, I too get the “what’s your ethnicity” stuff all the damn time. I am too tall to be a Mexican chick, too dark to be an Anglo, and folks really like to put others into nice, neat categories. Folks either see me in work clothes hauling wood or on the front page of the paper dressed in silk. I have found that either folks love me (a select few) or they absolutely hate me. I really learned this with the AC, and my running coach this summer. They were both bound and determined to despise me no matter what I did. Part of it, in retrospect, will the AC is that he wants a subordinate, not an equal. I also have to figure out what to do with my own prejudices against men who are uneducated, not in shape, short, unattractive. I have dumped a number of good looking men who were shallow, racist, poorly mannered and spoken. On the other hand, I have tried hard to force myself to become attracted to men that I was almost repulsed by simply because they seemed to be kind people but no dice. Just bailed on another dating site after yet another approach by a guy that was totally incompatible. I agree with Nat; we cannot change our genes but not working on that which we can change is a red flag. I have really learned this lesson tending to my dad after a dozen surgeries, numerous complications, due mainly to chronic obesity and alcoholism. A path no one should take.
Noquay
I feel for you with the thighs, I run too and cycle every day to work but thunderthighs anyhow. I think the cycling makes it worse but I love love love the ride upriver to my work and back out to sea to go home.. beautiful.
I don’t think it is wrong to feel that someone who is very overweight or an alcoholic is not for you.
However, all the men in my family are very short and I am amazed how nasty people are about it. My nephew has Bern horribly bullied and tormented for it and it says absolutely nothing about a persons character and attitude. I love that Sophie Dahl, a very tall, blonde and beautiful woman is with Jamie Cullum – he’s gorgeous, talented, very short and mixed race. By ruling out short men you may be ruling out a man who would really love you and that you could be happy with.
I just googled it, Sophie Dahl is 6ft and Jamie cullum is 5″4. She has just had her second baby with him. Love (and character) is all that matters.
Mymble,
I am 5 “3” and there is a barista that is shorter than me and a male.
He is outright gaaawgeous. He’s one of the very few people I’ve seen that looks like they are off of a movie set without the makeup and getup.
I think he’s just healthy all around. I don’t really know though. He’s also really warm and friendly.
He does have a girlfriend (who is beautiful and healthy looking), so I certainly do not flirt with him or any of the like (not really my style with the male baristas anyway).
Height doesn’t have anything to do with beauty.
And I am so sorry your family was bullied.
I have a younger cousin who has “tea cup” ears. I must say those type of ears are the most beautiful, endearing and magical trait a human can have. People say the eyes have the most potential for beauty. Pft. It’s all in the ears. Okay, well a good amount. That, genetically dark circles around the eyes and multi toned lips are just magically enticing.
I stop people who have these traits and tell them how beautiful they are.
Anyway this cousin was bullied at school for her delightful ears.
Here’s the thing: People who are unique and represent an unmanufactured by society beauty elicit fear and envy. So, dim witted adults and the children that follow them begin to try and submerge the beauty as to not deal with the impending thoughts that challenge what they have been taught to see as beautiful: the ordinary, the safe, the boring, the mundane, the typical.
What I say to them?
Wake up and lay off why don’t ya!!!!
Actually, I don’t say anything. But, I know deep in my heart of hearts that beauty will keep finding authentic ways to express itself via those who are strong enough to be its vehicle. 🙂
You can’t divide men into those who care about looks and those who don’t. All men (and women) do in varying degrees. The goal is to find someone who is happy with who you are as an entire package.
I spent most of my 20’s and 30’s in various religious communities where people were taught since birth about the importance of character above all else.
But what do you find when these people pair up and marry? They are typically equal in looks. A hot guy does not fall for the homely chubby girl, though she may be extremely godly. Ditto for the Hot Girl.
This has actually been scientifically studied and proven to be true ( to a certain extent)
During my low self esteem years, I was always pinning for the guy who was hotter than me and that snagging him would prove my worth. When I finally found love for myself as a complete person, I no longer cared for the hot guy. Not because I now saw him as a superficial ass, but because I didn’t want to be in a situation where I wasn’t valued.
When I finally accepted my “average looks”, I was finally more willing to accept the guys who were “average looking”. When I finally valued all the other wonderful things about myself that weren’t superficial, men better looking than me didn’t all of a sudden take notice. And I accepted that.
To be honest Nat, you and Em appear to be somewhat equal in looks. He’s not a lot older, fatter, shorter..etc.. So if you were honest..you would have to say that looks are still a factor.
Janine,
“During my low self esteem years, I was always pinning for the guy who was hotter than me and that snagging him would prove my worth.”
Awww, eff. I’ve been doing this since puberty.
Science is curaaaazy when it comes to studies about dating and such. Grateful for science, just not dating science.
I’m not sure if I’m average looking. To me everyone looks so different, I’m not sure what good looking is.
Lingerie models just look skinny and sometimes really silly and all the same.
Beauty and looks are so subjective. Sure, there’s that biological thing. But my ex was so dang sickly and balding and I thought he was the hottest thing on the planet.
My ex’s ex looked like a man to me, but he was all about that. Oh, um, I mean her, not men. I don’t think. I mean, hmmm. Anyway, what I’m getting at is there is no average, just humans!
Without all of the makeup and fancy clothes, even movie stars look average. Without the getup models look mostly average except for being exceptionally tall and skinny (which is not necessarily regarded as beautiful to all or biologically healthy).
Life is freaky and random, so is attraction. So are humans sometimes. Who knows?
And, yes, Natalie’s husband is a stud, but that says nothing about why she’s with him. All we know is she’s a stand up gal who would settle for no less than a stand up guy who happens to be handsome as she is beautiful.
I often see hunky men with homely women and beautiful women with okay looking men. There is just so much more to it than meets they eye…
Song,
That guy is a piece of shit. His behavior is uncalled for and you will find a better man who WILL never act ashamed of you and will know that it is a priviledge to be with you. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. You are a beautiful human being with integrity and he is a ugly person of little substance. Men like this and I have met a few are the grossest roaches on this planet. Like roaches they seem invincible with their roach harem but once the light is turned on their behavior they scuttle away quickly into the dark where they belong.
Like many women here I had parents who were critical of my appearance…my father mostly. He reminded me that I was chubby as a pre-teen and told me I should only wear dark colours. He criticized my mother too and told her what to wear. He was my passive aggressive ex role model.
I never thought I was particularly unattractive as an adult but never got much appreciation (for anything) from my ex who is/was very passive aggressive…and I mean REALLY pa. When I was thinking of this post last night I realized that in all the years I tried to lose those 25 pounds that bothered me (I am small so it was a big thing for me) and asked him to serve smaller portions or make HIS meals (he did cook) more carefully….he never did it …even though I asked him many times. He would make huge portions and then serve groaning plates of food and then complain there were leftovers. Was this a form of subtle sabotage? I never thought of it until last night…but I am sure it was.
Also, I always hated any picture taken of me by him with or without my kids. He seemed to catch me in the most unflattering poses (like with my mouth full of food) to the point that one of my daughters even noticed this.
SO – when I decided the marriage had to end I worked really hard to lose those 25 pounds – keeping up with the running I always did but going to the gym and taking some body shaping classes that were really hard with my daughter who pushed us both into it. Going to the gym has changed my life and being on my own means I now eat what is best for me and my energy needs. I love that.
For the FIRST time in many years clothes shopping is basically a pleasure for me – I buy fewer things and instead of hating some of them when I get home I like almost everything. Then I grew out my hair, spend more money on it (and I am not rich)and take care of other things better. My daughter gave me a present of having some professional pictures taken by a woman who does not do artificial stuff…very natural and unposed. I would never have thought of that before (my daughter said mum, we don’t have ONE good picture of you!) Honestly I cried when she sent me the proofs…I had not seen a photo I liked of myself for years and here was a huge clump of them and I loved every single one! I use them for professional purposes mainly but often look at them.
I am one of the older people on this site and it is true that I feel pretty pessimistic about men being attracted to me in the future although it is not a major goal (their loss ha ha) But I really feel that these changes were for me! I feel attracted to ME! Perhaps I should have been able to completely accept myself before but I wasn’t satisfied and I knew I could be happier and I am proud of what I did for MYSELF. I think that is the main thing. Oh and I stay away from navy blue…
espresso
Maybe you are reading too much into his behaviour, or maybe he did just want to keep stamping on your self-esteem so you would never have the desire to leave him, but I’m glad you got a photoshoot done!
I would definitely recommend everyone to get at least one professional one done. I haven’t yet, but some of my family members are amateur photographers and I have some great photos which I look at often.
It helps you see yourself in a positive light and discover exactly what you love about yourself.
Natalie, I swear I am not reading your mind but maybe you are reading mine!! The topic of body image has been on my mind this week too, mainly because I just woke up one morning, had my shower and looked at the reflection of myself naked and for some reason felt differently. It’s like I was looking at myself with fresh new eyes that were no longer blinded by the negative messages I had been telling myself for so long…I have struggled with appearance and worth for a while now, even with so many positive messages from (mostly men actually) telling me nice things it is sad and ironic almost how one or two negative sentences can affect you so much. Not to mention all the unspoken sub textual messages you get bombarded with from media in general every day of our lives.
I have also written about my own quest for inner beauty here
Great and timely post Natalie.
True Mumble but what if you just cannot feel anything physical for him? I have plenty of short male friends but lovers never worked out. That and you cannot dance with him, something I really, really, miss. I am 5’7″ and often wear heels to work. What I do not understand is why short women do not like shorter men, the average height of a woman is 5’4″ and average weight is 162 pounds. Men it’s 5’9″ and I forget avg weight. My best friend is a man shorter than I. I have never dumped a man for his height but I certainly have for lying about it or lying about his state of health (common), education, economic situation and lifestyle (deadbeats by choice). Its not a dealbreaker but I will never be really attracted to the guy and would have to pretend to be to some extent, that plus something like being dishonest IS a dealbreaker. I spose the tall thing is a biological holdover. Sorry for the incoherent comment; not enough coffee in the system yet and I can only see three @#$% lines of print at a time in the comment box.
I’m 5’5″ and I dated a shorter man than I am. I was totally in love with him. We looked like J Lo and Marc Anthony, I swear. I used to shudder when I would see pics of them because I could totally see the same dynamic that we had (plus, physically, we kind of resembled them). He was always expansive to everyone in the room, crowding and corralling JLo (at least in pics, I would see this dynamic. Though it’s entirely possible I was projecting). It’s like he was a pitbull, protecting his food. And like he was showing her off, like “See what I can get, even though I’m a little guy???” She looked miserable and contained. I would’ve felt the same way in time if I hadn’t ended it. He would tell me I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, and then, when we were out and guys would look at me (again, the guy would be looking at ME, and not the other way ’round), he’d say things to me like, “You know, you’re not THAT cute.” Kinda like, “Calm down, I’m gonna put you in your place so that you don’t get any ideas in that not-so-pretty little head of yours that you can get someone better.”
Yeah, and I loved this guy at one time. He did have really good qualities, and his behavior, though unacceptable, was due to insecurity and not maliciousness. But still: Hell no.
So yeah, that’s my story about my short guy “excursion.” I think it’s a common story when a woman dates a short dude, sorry to say. On the flip side, though, my bro is short and he’s a great, loving, open, responsible husband to my sister-in-law. So there you have it.
My ex-AC EUM complimented me all the time. He liked my condo, my car, my clothes, my career. It was always; hi baby, gorgeous and beautiful. But,he did not respect me. So, in the end, it was all superficial BS.
What I have learned the most from our 9 month connection, is that a man reveals himself by his actions, not just words.
On our first date the Red Flag was waving. Talking about his ex girlfriend like the walking wounded. He talked about her for months. He was clearly EU and looking for a buffer. The list is a mile long of his AC behaviour.
This is a learning experience. I chose to engage, because of my own insecurities. I now know better to heed the warning signs and to take better care of myself, with the help of a good therapist. After 3 months of NC, I am thrilled to be moving forward. He tried to boomerang and reconcile, but I wished him well and have no interest in having him in my life under any circumstance.
I am so glad I found this site. My heart and soul goes out to everyone. Its not easy. We have to be brave, fierce and love ourselves enough to have what we deserve. As Maya Angelu wrote; when we know better, we do better.
Revs
“Grizzly man” that I had commented about long ago was shorter than I and kept trying to say he was taller. In the end, he resented me for it, that I was more educated, that I had a university job even though the pay was so bad that I lived in a cabin without running water whereas he owned his own home. I have a colleague who also has major issues with his height even though his partner is very beautiful and totally in love with him.
I have such a history of going for much shorter dudes (exAC 1, exAC2, a horrible one-week tryst and ex of 6-years-cohabitation) that my own mother figures its a thing with me (self-protection? attracting guys who have something to prove?) and suggested that I not date any more short men.
I really don’t care about height, though – I cared about perceived power. Now I care about self-awareness, kindness, self-care and living a responsible and engaged life.
Lawrence is far from Robinson Crusoe in his having a ‘type’ based on nothing more than superficial physical attributes, but it struck me like a hammer to realise that there indeed those amoung us, who are so shallow. I may be one out of the box but I’ve always sought the inner qualities of a person, first & foremost. The wrapping it comes dressed up in, matters not, so long as the person cares for their health & hygiene. Wow. I’m still speechless…
I just want to say Thank You
I am a man, whom in my current relationship has placed such value in using “money or finances” as a hook to keep my unemployed boyfriend in my life. By my (and a lot of people’s) standards, he is a sex symbol and this mind set has fuelled my need to spend and flaunt money and a conspicuous “lifestyle” as a hook. Until I read your post on appearances and what it implies about ones values and the “tone” it sets for a relationship; it has become so clear that I am not in grounded relationship. Thank you for opening my eyes; that even though I feel “used” most of the time, I have allowed it by introducing the “hook”. The fact that he looks great and has both men and women turning their heads in his direction has kept me so hard at work to keep him, inflated my insecurities and my need to “keep him”, yet it all felt like this “investment” is going into a black hole. It is so odd that I felt that’s all I could offer in a relationship and it is a sad realisation that the only value I thought I could offer is through money (not from a generous sense, but from a sense of hogging and need for control). There is a lot of work I need to do on myself after this realisation!
Oh Rev. I so get it. I’ve never dated a short man but have experienced a similar dynamic with a blue collar working friend. He has made a point of trying say I was ‘dumb’ just b.c due to illness, I have memory impairments atm, & it was easier to ask him a simple Qre metric conversion, (I knew the answer but my recall is slow atm) than to wait for my foggy brain to more slowly recall the correct info. This man is uneducated & generally I consistently perform in the top 2.5% of my classes at uni! This guy has always fancied me & it’s really turned me off him even as a friend. Guys who project their insecurities by putting women down are pathetic & very transparent! Ugh!
This is the best advice ever.
I struggle a bit with my looks lately- I am turning 47 this week!- but what helps me is that I know that I take care oc myself well and look very healthy and more importantly, I feel great!
For me being in good shape, sleeping enough, eating vegetarian and healthy makes me feel peaceful and happy. Running a road race or getting better at my dance class makes me feel alive. I think enthusiasm is beauty. I am also really learning to admire self-acceptance in people. People who embrace their unique style, personality and self radiate. We can all choose to do that!
Well, I’ve finally reached the age where I have to accept that I’m no longer above average looking. When I was younger, and even up to age 50, I was quite an attractive woman, often getting positive feedback which supported that assumption, and what I saw in the mirror. I didn’t realize that I wouldn’t always look like that until fairly recently. No matter how good looking one is, those looks definitely fade with age. As I’ve noticed my own change in looks I see the same thing happening to others. I guess it’s inescapable for the average woman or man. Of course, I am not talking about Hollywood personalities who can afford to pay personal trainers, cosmeticians, nutritionists, cooks, etc. to help them maintain beauty. That’s a horse of a different color. Upon advancing in age and growing in emotional maturity my focus has been redirected. I was never one to vainly capitalize on my looks because I took it for granted and was always accepted quite well in my social circle, so I never had to make an effort. But these days, I do have to and want to make an effort. I’ve come to learn that it becomes increasingly important to love yourself and know your value. I’m not saying that you should not know these things when you are a teenager, ( although how many teens do), but as a young adult an onward we need to know who we are and where we fit in this world, in the scheme of life, in general. So, now, as a matter of act, I do have to put more effort into looking good. However, it is not my goal in life. Now, I want most of all to love myself, be really satisfied with who I am and know that others love me because I am a good person. It sounds like such a small and simple thing, and perhaps it may be that for others. But for me, it’s a never-ending, but emotionally satisfying growth process. And, the process is indeed zigzag. Sometimes I feel like an angel and behave like one, and sometimes I feel like a bitch and act like one. But, overall in the midst of a very non-linear endeavor, I feel pretty satisfied with myself. And my looks, in MY mind, play a very small part in how I see myself and my relationship with others.