Last week I asked readers “Do you have boundaries in your relationships?” which threw up some interesting comments. I want to continue to address the issue of the lack of boundaries in relationships and the significant impact that it can have on your well being and the types of relationship that you engage in.
One reader, ARulesGirl2TheEnd encapsulated the whole boundary issue when she said “My mum taught me about boundaries when I was in my teens; she told me to think of it as a kind of Me Club. Set the rules of the club and when people break those rules, politely ask them to leave.“
At times you will even find that you can’t be polite! The main thing is though, that you do ask them to leave.
What is concerning, as I mentioned in the original post and it was reflected in the comments, is the complete absence of boundaries with women, or in some cases very little.
Boundaries are required for all relationships – that’s friends, family, colleagues, and lovers. Everyone.
By having boundaries, you teach people how to treat you and regard you, and those that don’t play ball and cross or bash the boundary lines, get turfed out of your club.
I often find that women who have poor relationships fall into two camps:
They have none or poor boundaries across all of their relationships, or
They have no problem getting medieval on people like their female friends but clamp up around men.
Men don’t deserve special treatment like their kids or pets that don’t know better!
Every relationship you have requires that you have boundaries in place. Boundaries act as your guiding light and you know whether to pass ‘go’ and collect £200, whether you should hang back or proceed with caution, or whether you should take a parachute and jump because you need to abort the mission.
When you have boundaries, you get alerted to inappropriate or downright unacceptable behaviour and you act upon the signal created by having boundaries in place because you listen to yourself, make a judgement, and act upon it.
But how do I set boundaries?
Once you know you have none or very little boundaries, you have to put boundaries in place and the easiest way to do this is by learning to say ‘NO’.
‘NO’ is not a dirty word! Life is not about being a yes person and rolling over so you can be walked all over and kicked whilst you are down. Being in a relationship is not about being a martyr!
The word ‘NO’ allows you to respect you…and for others to respect you. Nobody can say yes all the time and regardless of whatever warped messaging is telling us the contrary, nobody expects you to say yes all the time…unless they’re an assclown.
Ask yourself, ‘What am I not prepared to accept in a relationship?’ so that you can define your boundaries.
If you can’t think of something, you know something’s really, really wrong, because we can all find at least ten things that are a serious no go for a relationship!
If you accept everything that comes your way, how would you make the decision to opt out?
The truth is, if you’re a woman who’s like a dog with a bone and won’t opt out and instead is expecting him to change, for him to become like you think he should be, or just cruising along blaming yourself and accepting that life and men are sh*t, you have no boundaries.
Boundaries force you to be accountable and take responsibility for your own happiness…or your misery.
We’re often scared of having boundaries as if being a pushover who is all accepting is a really attractive quality because we’re scared of being alone, scared of trusting our judgement, scared that he’ll magic into The Ideal Man if we tell him to take a run and jump, and just plain scared of saying ‘NO’.
This is like being scared of assigning value to yourself.
So go back to basics….
What should you be saying no to?
What do you want to say no to right now but can’t get the words out?
What makes you feel miserable and taken advantage of?
What are your consistent negative threads (your patterns) in your relationships and what has it taught you about what is and isn’t acceptable?
Ask yourself if you’re a ‘yes’ person and what could you cut back on
- one woman I spoke with cut back on her ‘yes’ instinct and injected a ‘no’ into her day by literally, for every 9 yes’ saying no, and then introducing more. She found it excruciating initially but at the same time empowering and people adjusted around her. Guess what? She’s happier.
Are you pretending to be happy and grimacing your way through life? You know when you smile but it’s a tight one, or the smile doesn’t reach your eyes because you’re in turmoil within? What is bugging you?
Do you have boundaries in other areas of your life such as with family and friends? What can you apply to your relationships with men?
And I should say, often there is very little difference between the fundamental boundaries and you shouldn’t be prepared to accept more shit in your life because it has a penis and testicles hanging off the end of it…
List your potential boundaries that have arisen through your introspection – you’ll find that a number cross into each other and can be summarised into one boundary. The likelihood is that you should be able to find at least ten things that are major nono’s for you
The important thing though, is that whatever happens, you need to ensure that you enforce boundaries because that is the true test of them – that you live by them. It’s incredibly empowering and what you’ll find surprising is that saying no or opting out of situations that cross your boundaries, actually feels good.
Don’t spend your time trying to analyse the crap out of his behaviour and make excuses for it because you’re missing the point – it doesn’t feel good to you. End of. He’s crossed your boundaries. You don’t need to find an excuse for that – you need to process the information and opt out.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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But I’d like to say some men may not be in love, ie they’ve looked at you and thought NO, thats a tricky area, NML explains it on another post. Life is shit but wen I see problems such as drinking, chatting up other women, lack of basic respect, anyform of drug taking, including pot etc, its a red flag serious enough to get me out. Because sex, drugs, alcohol misuse spell trouble. FULL STOP, even if they say they dont have a problem, they have, using negative things to make them feel better. If your bouncing from one guy to another you have a problem, your looking for summit to fill a void, addict behaviour.
Rules,
The info is very interesting.
I am so beyond the Ex-Assclown, I would never allow him in my life in any capacity. Toxic!!!!
I got out of the relationship (the bad period) after three- months. I have never tolerated such behavior from any man and never will again. The one benefit from this ridiculous situation is that I’m finally ready to commit to some completely.
I am now a reformed commitment-phobe
Nikki,
All the best with the program.
Gaynor- I just dont know. My head is in a spin. Trouble he to is a an addict, but not using just not gonna give his job up to do re-hab. Therefore ignoring the issues he knows he has. The thing that hurt is that someone can say they are in lust with you, they dont know what love is. To be honest in my heart I know that he doesnt love me, Ive got to go then. He said I deserve better.
Rulesgirl,
I always heard that if an addict stops a behavior for someone, they blame that same person when they start the drug, drink …. of their addiction. The ex-EUM was an addict but in denial and he stopped but when he went back, it was because I made him mad….. So they have to stop because they really want to and not for someone else. Good lesson I learned.
My heart is broken.
Katy,
The important thing is is that you’re out! You deserve so much better!! Your girlfriend sounds like an excellent source of info on the topic, have you considered NA for yourself?
KatyB …I’m sorry. I’m right there with you – my heart is broken too. My now-ex loved to tell me that I deserved better … to me that is a self-serving statement. They are trying to make themselves feel good by saying that. If they know that is true, why do they hang around? Get this, my ex even said he was letting me go because he wanted to “be a hero”. What an ass!
Annied,
That is an ass!
Annied,
My EUM use to tell me the same thing that I deserved better. One of the times I broke up with him I told him what he said that I deserved better. Then he changed his mind and said that I deserved what I got. He never really meant it. He just wanted to feel better about himself.
Who is going to reply to lost&found?
Not me, because I’m not wise enough….
She sounds in lots of pain and is where lots of us have been…
Lost,
I’m not wise enough either but I thought that Rules and Nikki gave some excellent advice regarding options (NA and CODA) to move on from this situation.
“….They have no problem getting medieval on people like their female friends but clamp up around men.”
“….you shouldn’t be prepared to accept more shit in your life because it has a penis and testicles hanging off the end of it…”
Truer words have not been said.
My partner and I have bumped heads quite a few times because of boundary testing. He’s used to doing whatever he wants with women and he’s met his match with me. But guess what? He’s learned and still learning.
Women, we HAVE to have boundaries, especially with men. As I mentioned in “Challenging the misconceptions about yourself, love, & relationships”, it really pisses me off that women allow men to do whatever but treat each other like absolute shit. It really needs to stop.
Dazedandconfused,
A teaching book I read, “Tools for Teaching”, made a side-comment that really struck a chord with me. The author points out that when you have a three-year old throwing a tantrum in a grocery store, you don’t yell – you talk quietly. If you yell, you set a new, louder goal for the screaming, you add to the energy level. If you talk quieter, the kid has to get quiet to hear what your reaction is. In various novels, the most authoritative figures often use a lower tone, and quieter voice, to express the deepest anger or outrage. It is powerfully effective.
It also helps at the time, to recognize that the yelling you are hearing is an act of weakness and disrespect, about 2 year old level. Quite immature. And the display may include words, but this is *not* an act of communication. So there is no answer, there is no exchange of information. You don’t have to yell to defend yourself, or you appear to agree that yelling is an acceptable “play” rule. You yell when safety is an issue – your dog has strayed, or your kid is near something unsafe. Save the “big guns” for dire need.
lostandfound,
you ask about how to set boundaries, then describe the whole fallback girl situation. I think the first step is safety and healing – and it sounds like you need the whole No Contact rule. Block his messages, block his calls or get a new phone number, the whole works. Permanently.
NML has a book, and many posts, on doing No Contact. This is a period for grieving for the loss of someone that has been important in your life, as well as a time to deal with anger over his disrespect, and also to heal your wounds to self esteem, wounds to dreams of love and family, and wounds to your friendships. No Contact.
What is so important about No Contact? You need to be out of any kind of tie or bond to him, now. Right now. Because every word you hear from him rekindles your defenses, rekindles your hopes, rekindles your anger over disrespect and broken promises and broken dreams. You literally have to protect yourself from sight and sound of this guy. Consider him something you are allergic to – something that stops your breathing, that drains your love of yourself. He is someone that harms you if you see him, let alone let him speak to you.
What has to happen is, through connecting with friends, especially women friends, through counseling if you can – pastor, counselor, etc. – and through discovery, you have to find yourself. You are a wonderful person, but you have let someone else use your fears against you, so all you see are the flaws his disrespect could use against you. Self esteem, self acceptance, self love – different aspects of finding out who you are today.
Once you have a good grasp on yourself as a person you know, trust, and admire – the boundaries get easy. Through experience and healing you learn the things that damage you, that weaken your faith and trust in yourself, or damage your love for yourself and others. Defending and protecting yourself from those actions and words and perceptions that damage who you are, in your own eyes, that is what a boundary is.
Your first boundary will likely sound something like, “I am mad as hell, and I am not going to take it any more.”
For me, much of the way we empower ourselves and others begins with respect. Honor, integrity, responsibility, trust, these are healthy character traits. Compassion, emotional bonding, knowing joy in your life and wishing to share joy (not humor) with others, these bring love.
A boundary is something that blocks that unwanted influence. A boundary is a rule, one you check often, one you enforce every time. Fail to enforce a boundary, and it becomes a denial, a deception to yourself and others.
You asked how to set a boundary. How to stop hurting. How to make him keep his promise to leave her to be with you and be the wonderful man you want.
That last part? The part about him keeping his word, about changing? He is injured. He doesn’t have a choice. He cannot change. He could decide to leave her tonight – and that wouldn’t be a change. He would have to become respectful, and honest – and he cannot. He doesn’t know how, and won’t hear guidance. An EUM doesn’t change. He will never be a good partner for you. Think, the Dixie Chicks song, “Goodbye Earl” he won’t change.
Which means that you have a dangling relationship – there is no one (worthwhile) at the other end. Accept that he won’t change, and protect and heal yourself. Grieve, recover, heal. Focus on learning yourself again, face your fears, examine what you think are flaws or defects, and get help where you need it.
As you can read many times on this site, until you heal your fears and love yourself, you are likely to pick another guy that is relationship-retarded, too. Just like the last one. You need to heal the part of you that seeks out and wants to associate with dysfunctional guys in dysfunctional relationships.
You can find a way to go on, that after healing won’t hurt like this. But you don’t need to think of a relationship until after the healing and joy return to your life.
Luck!
lostandfound January 16th, 2009, 12:18 pm:
You have GOT to find the strength to cut him off completely. If possible, I’d suggest moving out of the same village and avoid all contact with him near your job.
How come you can’t cut him off? This seems to be tearing you apart. And he probably could care less.
Wishing you the best.
Brad K, good reply and post. Things that I have to actually remind myself of when I feel myself start my pity party for one….UGH.. I am setting boundaries with everyone in my life right now, cuz I have not had any boundaries, some of it feels pretty darn good and some a bit scary. I was friends with a guy who has been divorcing his wife now for about 2 years or so now…. right….I met him at the gym and we were just friends, but he talked about his spouse really badly and what she didn’t do. I think he was trying to bait me. After my situation with the ex-EUM and coming to this site, I realized that I was engaged in another dysfunctional relationship with this guy, so I ended the friendship. I had to step back and think about the way the I was benefitting from remaining friends with him. In fact I was more like his unpaid therapist and 4 years from now more than likely he would still be trying to divorce her, whatever!!!
Peace
KatyB has gone home, aww. What a turmoil!! and it didt stop over the weekend. She got a bit obsessive and went and watched him on sat night, hmmm, dint like what she saw, sneaky crap behaviour on his part, didnt love her? no I think that was the age old excuse of actually I wanna fuck someone els more like. Good grief. So she is beating herself up about just being a crap, person, and no wonder he left. I tell you ladies, its time to knuckle down, and get those boundaries up, dont bother explaning when you’ve had enough just walk. And if some tosser comes out with a hare brained story about ‘ooo…Im justa bit confused, ooo I dont know if I love you…blah blah blah…’ dont stay around to argue, ask him to expalin, scream or rant, the very fact that a person can actually say those words should be enough. ‘you dont know if you love me?… well suck on this!!!’ Turn your back on him and skip your merry arses outta the door. Dont look back, and turn that phone off!!! Get some choccy and a bottle of wine and bawl your eyes out at home, not in front of him.
Rules,
What do you mean she “went and watched him?” Is she realizing she needs to move on now, and the guy is a worthless creep?
Hey, when’s is husband going to respond? Several of us are interested in his thoughts and motivations when he was an EUM. I was also interested if he was telling these women that he loved them or that there was a future? Did he realize he was hurting them?
Thanks a bunch!
Isabella January 18th, 2009, 4:29 pm:
I was in the same situation a few years ago except the guy is actually my ex. He’s been with this woman for probably 6 years now and lives in HER house (SHE bought it); he and I were together in university for a few months and I called it quits. After the break-up we still remained friends and are still friends/acquaintances to this day.
Anyway, a few years back after he moved with his girlfriend into her house he gave me sob stories for a year and I fell for them like an ass. I fooled around with him a couple times (NO SEX though) and would give him the “Awww, she’s so mean! Why don’t you leave?” And it was excuse after excuse after excuse. Now granted, I know how he is and didn’t want to be back in a relationship with him, but I had such shitty self-esteem that I thought that I was only worth being “the other woman”.
My best friend happened to point out something to me – he’s done the same thing with his children….. make excuses for why he can’t get custody of them, blame things on the children’s mother, blame blame blame……
I woke up. It disgusted me that he did the same thing with his children; that disgusted me even more than the fact that I fell for his bullshit stories about his girlfriend. I called him and immediately told him that there would be no more messing around with him. He was pissed but I didn’t care.
Like I said, we’re still cool and we speak every few months. But every time he tries to rekindle something, I shut him down quick fast and in a hurry. I KNOW now that I’m worth more than being the other woman and oddly enough, he knows that he’s not good for me (or any other woman for that matter). And I’m happy that I’m with someone who feels the same way about me that I feel about myself.
P.S. Please wish KatyB the best for me. Hopefully over time she’ll see the assclown/asshole for who he really is.
Hi Everyone…I’ve been too embarassed to post because I fell off the wagon with my ex-EUM when he contacted me…saw him once…didn’t shag him…but continued contact for a few weeks…I was so miserable with inner turmoil, and felt like I was obsessed, going crazy, in a prison of my own. Instead of just cutting him off without telling him, I was nice enough to tell him not to contact me anymore and nicely explained that I can’t do it…still have feeling and can’t keep in touch…so he tells me he was just trying to be friends with me although he flirted and gave inuendos of more…I am so disgusted…he is so good at twisting things…he’s twisted…but I finally know I’ll never ever ever ever let him in again. I’ve blocked him from email and if he ever tries to call or contact me…I will not participate…I’ve come to the end of the line. I guess I should look at the positive…I got out alive!!! His twisted world “all about him” and I was listening to his crap. And I thought he cared and he missed me…Somehow my brain turned to mush…I’m on my way back to reality and normal land…no more drama…I’m going to look at boundaries and make sure they are in place.
Finally, dont be so hard on yourself. I’m only on day 6 of NC myself. I’ve fallen off the wagon so much it’s crazy! When you are ready to let him go completely, you’ll know it – you’ll feel that something about “this” time feels permanent (for yourself, not him). My ex pulled the same friend-card thing with me every time he broke up with me. It is too early now yet, but he’ll come back with it and twist it to make me sound like I’m the bad guy for not “caring enough” to be his friend since I had “claimed” to love him. Every other time, I got into a conversation with him about this. This time, I’m not going to respond. Like this article says, we have got to have some boundaries or we’ll be doing this dance forever. Personally, I think it has actually aged me … I really dont like that! LOL
Annied, thank you for your kind words, it’s good to know that there are other good women who go through the same thing. I felt so weak, like a failure because I after 3 months of NC I allowed him to get to me again. I think you are right, I think now, I am ready to let go completely…I think I fooled myself into thinking “he really cared about me, but just had commitment issues.” I now think he is a predator, a manipulator and knows exactly what he is doing. I think they are a bit like vampires, living off of the goodness and trueness of our feelings for them…using it to stroke their egos and satisfy them. I think these guys can’t accept rejection… he couldn’t give me the committed relationship I wanted, so I broke up with him (at least 5 times)…I think he wants to know that I am there, just like NML says…the fallback girl…just in case his life gets boring, or he needs to distance himself from a current fling (should I call her a victim!)…I should have protected myself by blocking the email and not been weak..but I have to forgive myself and start over. Today I told him …so tomorrow will be Day 1 of NC. I’m going to be positive and know that he will never get the best of me again…I’ve spent too many days and nights crying, obsessing and hurt over a man, not worthy of me…or any woman…I have been going to therapy, reading and working on me…Thanks for your words of wisdom…I
Annied:
Your ex-EUM sounds exactly like mine!!! I think part of the reason they twist things is because half of the time they are so connected with their feelings. We can stay strong together.
finallyseenthelight-
How did he keep coming back into your life? Did he just email or call you? I don’t believe a word of what he says- he was just trying to be friends. yeah right.
I think it’s important to remember the need for compromise in relationships. Yes set boundaries but if an issue isn’t important then compromise, we can’t have it all our own way in a relationship.
Ive got a question to anyone on thise especially NML, have you heard of Christian Carter, if anyone has, I’d like your views, especially those of NML.
Gaynor he will reply, been v busy. see you all soon.
KatyB been to see me, err it gets worse, update you later.
Will the desire of wanting an ex EUM to chase me go away? I ended it and perhaps he is respecting my space but I can’t help but to feel I would still want him to chase me or come looking for me. Does this have to do with Ego?
Karen,
I think it has with not letting go of the relationship.
In time, you will not want him to try to contact you in any form as you will know how destructive the relationship was.
Karen, I am right there with you. I ended it with my ex mm almost a month ago and I feel the same way you do. This was the third time. I don’t think mine will be back but I like you want him too- I think a large part of it is ego and to know that there is an ounce of care there. Ughh. I am totally feel what you are going through. I am totally obsessing.
Leeanne,
I’m sorry but the guy was never there for you as he is married! Why would you chose to want a relationship where someone is clearly unavailable??? Don’t you want better for yourself??? I don’t get the married man thing??
I know there is a lot of love and care there…. I chose to end it because well.. he lives with the mother of his kids and his two kids. As dysfunctional as that may sound— I have no doubt that we care about eachother— just not a good situation for me to be involved in– which I realized and so I ended it. That doesn’t mean the feelings end nor the wishes or desire of wanting to be together. I can’t help but to want things to be different… to wish that the circumstances could change. I chose to leave because if and when he does decide for things to change– that should be on him…and me waiting around is not healthy for me. Once again– I can’t say im not sad, I can’t say I dont miss him, I can’t say that I dont love him anymore and wouldn’t want him to still contact me. Yes I know I deserve better! Yes I know that breaking up with him was the best thing to do– doesn’t mean its easy to get past these feelings that still linger. Moving on because you HAVE to hurts because there is no other reason to do it for other than because you know its not good for you and I know I have to love myself enough to let it go. That took strength and courage– and for that Im grateful. I dont want to hate him… I dont wish him bad…. I just want to get to that point where I don’t long for him anymore or think of him or that place where either way it no longer matters– that place when you know you are completely over someone. Sometimes it feels like getting to that place will be impossible.
Gaynor it is a long and complicated story but I fell in love with the wrong person. Sometimes emotions exceed rational. That is what happened in my situation. I guess it is the same as to why both Karen, I and so many other women on this site want our xs to come back although they are clearly not good for us.
That is true– like Leanne said… we know these men are not good for us. Some of us women have been strong enough to leave, others are still in the process of getting there…nonetheless the pain and the loss is real. In some instances perhaps these men have been TRUE A**clowns in others, perhaps there were real moments of love and caring albeit the dysfunctional and complicated circumstances. It is the circumstances that we leave… but once again– the love and pain of that loss is still there. I am trying to be strong— because I know this is what is best for me but can’t help but to feel that me moving on is me FORCING myself not to feel something that is still so very much in my heart. It is moving on and letting go because we HAVE TO not because we WANT TO………. and it is something that my mind understands but my heart doesn’t want to accept. =(
@ ARulesGirl2theEnd I don’t follow Christian Carter so my views on him are limited but I don’t subscribe to the ‘game’ mentality that accompanies a ‘catch him’ mentality because unfortunately many women spend time investing their energy trying to catch men that don’t want to be caught and at the end of the day, this is not what relationships are about. It also puts the bulk of the onus on the woman to take responsibility for a man and the relationship.
Leeanne,
I have a lot of difficulty with this situation as I have seen the extreme pain it has caused several of my friends, it effects the entire family. We all make choices and this is one I just don’t get as we know it can destroy so many. It’s not just the two of you.
Gaynor:
Understood– I would say that neither one of us is proud of being the “other woman” or being in these types of relationships… thus the reason for us saying and admitting not only to ourselves but on this site, that we were in a “bad or wrong” situation. I take responsibility for the choice I made (a really bad one) not just for me– but for the entire situation. Unfortunately we are all human and we make dumb choices sometimes (which is why we are on here) but from that I learned a tremendous amount. Not just about having made a bad choice, but also in coming across this site and knowing that part of it had to do with lack of love for myself. Again– I am not proud of having been in such a relationship– nonetheless I did love the man… and still do…and it sucks!
Gaynor, I understand your point completely. Never in a million years did I ever think I would be the other woman. Again, human beings make wrong choices. I think both Karen and I can both say that we made a mistake and we are ardently paying for it. I know I can say that not in just the heart ache but in other aspects of my life. I take full responsibility for what I have done and I do not blame him. For I allowed the bad behavior, etc.
Just as a side note- I think that we should all try to be supportive here, not judgmental. People may not agree or understand the choices others have made, but live and let live.
Maybe Im not ready?? I feel like I want to go back to this person. This person who is unavailable…. these feelings are a bit too much sometimes.. and I feel like just “giving in” until Im stronger. It seems as though I can’t stand the fact that he isn’t calling me or looking for me or acting like he wants me. Im sure maybe he is giving me my space…. after all… I was the one who broke it off with him…. that or he has just simply moved on to the next person either way— I don’t really understand what it is that I am struggling with. Is it rejection? Is it my ego? Is it abandonment? Is it acceptance? I’m having a hard time with this and Im afraid I might give in =(
Karen – Rarely are people ready to make hard decisions and if it comes down to being ready and easy, you’ll never be ready. You have to build up the strength and opting out of the decision you’ve already made is the easy option, and it’s also a kneejerk. It’s supposed to hurt – everything is a bit much sometimes but you have to keep going. If he’s not calling you and acting like he wants you, I fail to see the point of why you’re going back… I’m not even sure what you’re giving into – he’s not exactly waiting on the other side with his arms wide open… If he has moved on, it’s all the more reason why you should. It’s a combination of all the things you said and ultimately it’s like you want to finish it in a particular style – you can’t and if you go back, then you know what you’re going back to – nothing – and you have no room to complain as you made your choice and if I was him, I’d know that you had no self-respect and that you don’t mean what you say because you’d rather chase the nothing of him than recognise that the fact that he has nothing to give is all the more reason why you should stop giving and opt out…even though it hurts.
Don’t give in. It will make you look really badly to go back. I think your are struggling with all of the above. This is really hard. I know I have been through this more than once with my x but you just have to take it one day at time. If he wants to work things out he will come to you. Do not go back to the same ol’ thing. When I went back after the second time I broke it off it is because I thought things had changed and they did for a couple of months, but then he went back to being the assclown he is and I broke it off again because I am not going to take his crap anymore. Read your above post. It is on him to make a move. If you go back you are telling him you will settle for anything just to be with him. You will lose self respect. Hold on. You can do this. I know it is overwhelming but again one day at a time.
I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings – I am with Gaynor on the married thing, it hurts so many people in the long run.
You are dating a liar, a cheater, that is all you need to know to stop.
The only difference between the men we have been with and the men that everyone else has been with is one thing they are married. No one knows the history of how the relationships began. For all anyone knows maybe we were not informed of the fact that they were married when they pursued us, maybe they said they were separated or about to be separated. All of these men are liars, users, cheater, etc. Just because we made a bad choice in getting involved with married men does not mean our pain is any less or this is any easier than what everyone is going through. Remember NML, the creator of this sight, was the other woman. Her ex had another girlfriend. My feelings are not hurt by you not understanding or not agreeing with our decisions, what is hurtful is the judgmental tones and the total lack of regard or validity to our feelings just because I think the attitude is that we knew what we were getting into. That is not necessarily the case. No one is saying being the other woman is the right thing to do. This site is about unavailable men, married men included. Check out NML’s posts on what she learned from being the other woman.
It seems like the basic attitude is you get what you deserve here. Like I said before no one knows about the manipulation that took us to a place we never thought we would be.
Ladies (and this is to all involved, not just one person), I’m not exactly sure what I have missed here and I’m not about to play referee but as I have said before, I really don’t condone this type of thing in the comments. I have really tried not to be too strict about the commenting guidelines but I will become stricter if these situations keep on arising because every week there is something!
Please stop and please be respectful of the site and other readers, me, the commenting facility, and most of all, each other. I will close the comments on this post if this continues.
Karen- keep it up. Don’t go back. Get the book it’s called a break up because it is broken.
Thanks Leeane!! I’ve read it.. that and like a million other books!! I just feel that maybe I keep blaming myself?? Since I broke it off– I feel that its my fault he isn’t trying to contact me (which is a good thing I guess) but I dont know… I guess I would somehow feel better if he was chasing me….. (I don’t want to sound vain or narcissistic) but that is just the way I feel. Even If I said NO to all his advances or phone calls— guess it would just make me feel better that I knew he missed me or something. Again—- I don’t think its because he doesn’t want to contact me…….I think its because he is respecting my decision and doesn’t want to bother me. Honestly– I just want to get to the point where neither one matters. Whether he calls or doesn’t call, whether he cares or doesn’t care…….just feel like im obsessing– and that’s the feeling I don’t like!!! Right now my head is filled with HIM HIM HIM!!! He was away for three weeks and I can’t tell you how GREAT I felt not having him around (I work with him) and I felt FREE and like myself again not obsessing at all!! Like I was living life again. Now he is back…and I thought I would be ok/ready and now these feelings have resurfaced I have allowed it to disturb my peace of mind and I don’t know how to keep feeling the way I was feeling when he was away! It is very disturbing to me not being able to understand this.
Thanks for your post NML!!! I sent you an email as well…..
leanne,
He would contact by email first and then after I responded it was the phone…but it was almost everyday…he’s a real game player and knew how to push my buttons…
NML took the words out of my mouth…let’s be kind to eachother…we are not here to judge each other, but for support, advice and a place where we can freely bare our souls….I’m sure that we’ve all done things that “other people” could judge harshly…no one is higher or mightier than anyone else…
Leeanne -keep you head up!!! and don’t listen to the unkind bloggers on here.
Karen,
I’ve been going through the same thoughts and feelings as you have. I would want him to contact me, even though he broke up with me…I still craved him to chase me…but then when he did, I still didn’t get what I wanted…unfortunately, these relationships are doomed due to the men not wanting or capable of a “normal, committed and healthy” one. I also obsess and it upsets me because I also feel if I’m not with him then why am I thinking of him so much…but in time I hope it will get better…and if he does contact you it’s definitely not because he wants what you want…he’ll want only what he wants and you will feel worse.
correction…I would want him to contact me even though
“I broke up with him.â€
Hi Everyone. Due to a technical fault with the previous service which notifies you by email when I publish a new post, I have had to move to a new provider. The error means you will now need to sign up to the Feedblitz service if you want to start receiving emails again. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. Thanks Natalie/NML
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