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Over the past few days (and many times before) there has been a lot of talk in the comments about staying friends with your ex, and more importantly, whether you can stay friends with a Mr Unavailable or assclown after you’ve broken up.

I have written on several occasions about being friend’s with your ex for example in can’t we just be friends, and for me it’s like this:

If you are no longer emotionally attached to your ex and have gotten over him and moved on, let’s say 6 months or a year down the line, go ahead and knock yourself out. That is of course if he actually has qualities tha t make him worthy of actually being your friend.

If you want, need, or expect anything from your ex, even if you don’t express it or acknowledge it, you have ulterior motives for wanting to be his friend.

If you want to be his friend in spite of the fact that 1) you were never friends in the first place and/or 2) he treated you poorly in the relationship, I have to ask,

why the hell do you want to be friends with this man?

Now when it comes to Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns there are a number of factors at play:

The relationship is likely to be based on illusions with much betting on potential involved.

There is a lack of commitment and emotional connection.

There is a lack of empathy.

There is a lack of care, concern, and respect.

There has been much managing down of your expectations.

The relationships are on their terms even when they ‘let’ you ‘think that you’re getting your own way.

There’s a whole load of negativity and lack of positivity.

Your needs were not being met.

You have been trained to accept crumbs.

In essence, the relationship is lacking.

And yet, many a woman, many a Fallback Girl or assclown lover, is eager to be friends with their ex. Why?

Well the way you’ll tell it is:

You don’t believe in being mean/horrible/cold/nasty [insert your word of choice].

You don’t want to waste what you had between you both.

You don’t want to seem like you’re not being mature about things.

You still care about him.

You would like to have him in your life.

You think that just because you can’t be lovers doesn’t mean you can’t be friends.

You project how you would feel in the situation and you wouldn’t want him to not be friends with you.

Now hard as this may be for many of you to hear, these are all codewords and phrases for:

I don’t want to let go.

I want to stay emotionally invested.

I’m hoping he’ll change.

I’m hoping that he’ll regret letting me go.

I don’t love me enough.

In reality, if you want to stay friends with your Mr Unavailable or assclown you are inadvertently establishing a new fallback position.

You’ll still be that woman that he thinks he can rely on for an ego stroke, a shag, or a shoulder to lean on…he’ll just believe he can now do it under the guise of friendship.

If you’re still emotionally attached and you end up providing him with either an ego stroke, shoulder to lean on, or sex, or all of them, he gets the fringe benefits without the hassle of you wanting, needing, and expecting from him as if you were in a relationship.

You’re yet again marginalising yourself because you’ve decided to exchange the situation where you were not getting your needs met for ‘friendship’.

This isn’t because you actually want friendship; it’s more that you want to stay in his life in the hope that he will regret letting go of you, finally recognise your value, and validate you and the emotional expenditure that you’ve thrown at him.

Trust me, you’re not staying friends with him because he’s such a great person and again, you are caught up in illusions and betting on potential, because instead of magicking him into a wonderful boyfriend, you have now conjured up a replacement illusion where he will be a good friend that treats you decently. You have no basis for deciding this – you have more of a basis for telling him to take a run and jump!

Assclowns in particular, make lousy boyfriends, lovers, husbands, …and also friends.

All he will see is that you still want to be there and offer the hand of friendship in spite of the fact that he has treated you with low regard.

These guys won’t do the friendship on your terms and the litmus test of this is when you refuse to allow them to talk to you in a sexual manner, use you as a booty call, give them an ego stroke, call you or turn up at will, and poke around in your business. When they can’t get these things, suddenly ‘friendship’ is not so interesting.

At the end of the day, if you still want to be friends with your assclown (and Mr Unavailable’s) when it’s patently clear that you’re not over them and that you haven’t built up your self-esteem, it’s like playing with fire, and we all know that if you play with fire you get burned.

You have to ask yourself this – Are you actually planning to get over your ex and move on?

If you are, you need to rethink your fallback plan and opt out of the friendship because what you want is in contradiction with your actions, and you want to have the best of both worlds, even though he couldn’t even give you the best of one…

Part Two and part three.

Your thoughts?

Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.

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105 Responses to Can you stay friends with Mr Unavailables & Assclowns after you break up?- Part One

  1. NML says:

    Brad K, that comment was brilliant! I nodded and nodded and nodded again! The stuffed doll para was class – thank you!

  2. Liberty Belle says:

    I’ve been broken up with the EUM for the past 4 months and initially wanted to friends. But the more I think of how he treated me the more I realise that he is not friend material. Why would I want to be friends with someone who hurt me repeatedly, never apologoised, lied to me and reduced me from a vibrant, happy woman to a crying, made me an emotional wreck?

    I’ve noticed that some women will write off their female friends for indiscretions such as tardiness, bad mouthing, not repayaing loans or sleeping with their men. Yet when men do these same things, women want to be friends with them!

    The man I used to date can keep on walking. He wasn’t my friend during the relationship and he isn’t my friend now.

  3. Olivia Jones says:

    So true if you weren’t friends in the relationship – how on earth are you going to be friends out of it?! It will never happen. As NML says he will only use the guise of friendship to treat you as badly as he ever did whilst not enabling you to move on and regain your self esteem.

  4. JJ says:

    Yea if you weren’t friends in the relationship as in being true friends… being friends after the breakup is not going to help the situation. First off he will still have all of the same issues that caused the relationship to end in the first place and being friends doesn’t mean that he’s going to act or treat you any differently. I couldn’t imagine being friends with my narcissist ex… That is why I cut him off completely and moved on!! I suggest you do the same to save yourself.

  5. Debra says:

    I have been struggling with this question for some time. I work with my former ass clown and have to see him everyday. I have let go of the notion that there is any future in terms of a relationship but simply ignoring him is not really an option. The problem I have is whether is a somewhat decent guy who behaved badly once “cornered” in a relationship he couldn’t handle or whether he is an absolute jerk who was well behaved for a while then showed his true colors. Even as I type this, I am realizing that it doesn’t actually matter. He is not good friend material. A friend would not have deceived me, strung me along or kept misleading me. There is also a difference between friendly and friends. It is possible to be civil and professional without having him in my personal life.

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!