“Do not confuse great sex, an orgasm or a big willy with love. They’re not. That’s lust. A big willy might make you scream the house down but it’s not going to treat you right, share a mortgage and take you down the aisle.” NML
There was a time when I was naïve enough to believe that great sex and an orgasm must mean that the guy must be pretty special and we were meant to be. This misconception didn’t last long for me, but there are plenty of women that still mistake a good seeing-to and multiple or singular orgasms as a signal of love, or at the very least, a great relationship.
I talk to women all the time who rave about these ‘great guys’ that they are still with/pursuing and often I hear about how unbelievable the sex was, how big his willy is and how no-one has ever given them that good lovin’ before. We see it all the time where you wonder why the hell this woman allows him to come creepy creeping back into her life time and time again, and it’s because she’s strung out on his sex.
I don’t know where we learnt this idea that these things represent love because we need to unlearn it. Sex confuses things and definitely befuddles the brain. If the sex was shit it would make it so much easier, but great sex clouds the judgement when it comes to determining how suitable a partner is for you. A scene from Eddie Murphy ‘Raw’ has stuck in my mind for years where he talks about when women scream, like really scream from having an orgasm, that the guy mentally says to himself “I gots that m*therf*cker now!”
I clearly remember having great sex with a particular ex where I had a really deep orgasm and my whole perception changed of him afterwards and I can honestly say that I felt that we had an unbreakable connection and were destined to be together. We lasted almost two years and we rarely hit that high note again and the great sex eventually didn’t disguise the fact that he was a complete jackass!
If you are looking to be in a relationship, I recommend that you put yourself on lockdown. This means that you don’t part the legs until you are as sure as can be that you want to be with this guy and that you have enough to have a go at steady relationship. My idea of lockdown may not be others idea of lockdown, but I’m not asking you to play the Virgin Mary (something many would struggle with anyway) but to exercise caution. Having a kiss, a cuddle and a feel is fine, but if you then spend the rest of the time having to cope with his over-zealous willy rubbing off you, or you get yourself so worked up with horniness that all you can think about is having sex with him, you’ve gone too far. I learnt a valuable lesson a few months ago and now guys won’t be invited back to my place until I’m willing to entertain the possibility of sleeping with them. It cuts out awkard conversations when you want to cut things short.
When we have sex before making up our minds about whether we want to be with them, it means we screw first and get to know them later. The fact that you are continuing to date the guy means that you are interested in him, but the sex, the orgasms, and well, the horniness, will be creeping into your emotions and all of a sudden, things don’t appear as they should.
I often say that if you were to play back a video of the period you were dating a guy, you would see a number of things that were screaming red alert, but that you completely ignored because you were high on the feeling of this new relationship. I’ve done it several times and trust me when I say that often the things that you ignore during the honeymoon phase, are the things that come back to bite you in your booty further down the line because they are the things that you are argue over.
Since I have avoided getting physical with a guy too early I have found that I weed them out quicker. Yes I know I miss out on a shag, but I don’t need one that badly, especially with someone who in the space of several dates with minimum physical contact, wasn’t actually relationship material anyway. The absence of sex means that you focus on the character qualities of the guy, which to be fair, is what is really needed for a relationship to work. Sex is important, but it’s only part of the equation and if it all came down to great sex, we wouldn’t have half of the problems that we do!
Get to know the guy, like the guy, before you get to shag the guy. Just because it gives you an orgasm, doesn’t mean that it’s meant to be, otherwise we’d be marrying our vibrators! Or ourselves!
NML is editor of Baggage Reclaim and she also keeps a blog Tired of Men.
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