Invariably when we find ourselves in a situation where we won’t let go of a poor relationship, there’s a bit of illusion holding going on. We’re either wanting him to be the man we thought he was or trying to get him to be the man we thought he could be, if only a number of factors happened to help it along. Part of the reason why so much time can pass is because in order for us to dig our heels in, we end up distancing ourselves from the reality of the relationship and him, and even our own behaviour, and we put our own spin on it, projecting the cosier illusion of things and essentially living in denial.
The trouble is this:
It’s very easy to say that you love someone and that you’re trying your best to make things work when you’ve chosen to be with someone who you know isn’t capable of reciprocating.
It’s very easy to avoid making real change, making decisions, and examining what part you are playing in the relationship when you avoid the reality by holding on to the illusion of him which also creates a false, illusionary relationship based on non existent foundations.
How can you even start to work on issues if you’re not in the real world?
How can you know whether what you’re in is good or bad when you won’t get real and you make up whatever you want,to fill the gap?
If you’re projecting or stuck in the past, how can you have or get perspective?
When you live in fear and choose men that reflect the negative things you believe about yourself, love, and relationships, which then creates self-fulfilling prophecies that let you keep your pattern and cater to your fears, you’ll find yourself in relationships that whilst drama filled and taxing at the best of times, they allow you to not have to fully engage yourself.
You know how these relationships will play out as often you choose same guy, different package.
You could be trying to forge a relationship with the type of man you profess to want but instead you try to fit a square peg in a round hole and suffer with Betting on Potential and I Can Change Him syndrome.
You could let go instead of waiting for him to be the one to finalise things, but instead you stay and end up suffering.
You could be emotionally engaging with someone who actually wants to engage on a habitual basis, not just when he’s in need of a shag, an ego stroke, or a shoulder to lean on.
But instead…you opt to engage with someone who is an emotional flip flapper, sometimes or even often, lacking in empathy, or is even just emotionally vacant. It’s a bit like trying to get water out of a dry well – you keep sending the bucket down into black hole of emotion hoping for some drops to be in the bucket, but it keeps coming back dry. So you send the bucket down again….
I’ve asked before why do we keep choosing poor relationships even though it hurts?
Well aside from relationship insanity which has us choosing the same experience again and again but expecting a different result this time, there’s an element of emotional laziness.
You may feel like you’re expending a whole lot of emotion but considering that you often know what you’re going to get back, making it a waste of your energy, you are being emotionally lazy because rather than look a little closer to home, address your own issues, adapt and start choosing better partners, you take the ‘easier’ route of following the pattern that you know, which yields the same experiences, which causes you more pain and drama.
But this pain and drama that you experience is not as bad as the fear that you have of putting yourself out there with real opportunities.
When you don’t believe in yourself and have internalised many of your relationship experiences to end up believing that you’re ‘not good enough’ and unworthy, you become afraid of being with someone halfway decent in the fear that they will see the things that you see, or even find more flaws.
So you choose someone like Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns who keep you in your emotional comfort zone – emotional laziness.
Don’t get me wrong – it’s uncomfortable with these men but it’s a familiar uncomfortable and it’s not as uncomfortable as stepping outside of this comfort zone would be and treading into an unknown.
The drama, ambiguity, confusion, outrage, disappointment, highs, lows, ‘fireworks’, ‘passion’, pain, lies, deceit and the whole kit and kaboodle are familiar. The fact that you’ve had poor experiences but haven’t strayed too far from your ideas about compatibility, type, and ‘common’ interests suggests that even though you aren’t happy, the fear of getting real is still bigger than anything else you’ve experienced.
You can attach whatever meaning you want to his behaviour and your relationship, and even your own behaviour, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re struggling to let go of a relationship that doesn’t actually exist.
Your relationship and your perception of him is not rooted in reality so you’re not truly risking yourself.
I know from own personal experience and those of many women I have corresponded with and the comments on this site that it is very easy to say you want a different experience and it’s very easy to focus on him, but it’s not so easy to actually opt for the different experience and focus on ourselves.
But you have to, because if you don’t, years will go by like sand through your fingers and you will suddenly start getting jolts that force you to look at the reality. Better for it to be sooner rather than later so you can start living your life now, and engaging with people who will actually engage back and reciprocate rather than have you jumping through constantly shifting hoops to ‘win’ them.
Get active on you and discourage yourself from choosing what appears to be the easier yet painful option that always yields the same results.
Your thoughts? Do you think you’re emotionally lazy?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
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@Planet Jane – I will have to check out that book you mentioned. I have read parts of “Getting Over Your Addiction to a Person” by H. Halpern (I think that’s right) and many of his ideas applied, too. Whether we are addicted to the fantasy version of him, or to the familiarity of the pain (because we may be emotionally lazy), it seems to be more difficult to get over this addiction than it was to quit smoking (which I did 10 years ago, and I *still* remember going thru hell).
@Butterfly – sorry to hear you hurt your finger. I’m thinking this may be why you haven’t been able to reply to my email? I really am interested in your answer
@sadthing – maybe I’ll read the book *you* mentioned too! So much to learn!!!
@everyone
OK, I am getting very anxious as I have to see my ex tomorrow, and will have to be working with him basically 24/7 for the next 4 days at this conference we are both involved in. I was NC with him for 5 weeks, but broke it a few days ago by IMing him. At the conference, there are social events every evening, which we are expected to go to, along with the conference attendees, and there is always drinking and laughing, etc. These events are ones where we have always spent much time together in the past, and I am anxious about being able to maintain my renewed NC under these circumstances. When I hear his voice, or smell his cologne, my body and brain react in a very strong and compelling way, and I am not sure I am ready for this!!!
Does anyone have any strategies they can share to help? I know the basics of keeping all interactions “strictly business”, but it will be the first time I have to do this in person. Of course I have Butterfly’s image of the fly-ridden crotch, and lisa suggested asking him how his wife is, if he tries to ‘reel me in”. I’m wondering if anyone else has any other tried-and-true strategies for maintaining NC when you have to see the person through work? I’m feeling weird about it, as I was able to do 5 weeks of NC when I didn’t have to SEE him, but now I will suddenly have to see him again, and I’m not exactly feeling strong. Any help would be much appreciated!!!
Wow, Meant to be Happy! That has got to be rough just knowing you can’t get out of this….it is finally here.
Maybe you can think about how he feels about getting to see you. He probably isn’t sweating it at all, probably sort of smug and thinking “once she sees me, she’ll want me again…. maybe we can hook up for old times sake even though I’m still married and have my wife at home”
I don’t know. I know the few times that my ex MM showed up in my life after no contact, he seemed like he just expected me to be the way I used to be, even after months and months of not seeing each other and no calls or e-mails, and seeing him like that made it easier to be sickened by him. Seeing that he wasn’t affected like I had been turned my stomach.
Well, stay away from alcohol!!!
I don’t know about you, but my defenses go way down if I’ve had a little drink or two.
In my line of work, I was able to request that I NEVER be placed on a “gig” with this guy ever again even if it meant I didn’t get gigs anymore, and that has helped. I’m guessing you might not be able to request that for yourself, but if it is at all an option to talk to your superior about it, please do.
I’ll be thinking about you! I know you have had some great support here from a lot of smart women and just KNOW that everyone will be here to cheer you on and help you through this.
@butterly and aega
From my own perspective, I dont think wanting to be alone is a bad thing or a sign of emotional unavailability. I was EU, before i started seeing my psychologist and dealing with my issues….but what I also uncovered in the process is that I am an introvert! And, being alone is a necessary thing for me to function properly! So, all of this to say…as long as you have balance and that your actions reflect good intentions and come from a positive place, I think you should not ‘shun’ wanting to be alone.
Meant to be Happy: I, too, am in the same industry as my ex EUM, and I end up having to be in the same room, etc.; although I am not in his line of supervisees, he is higher than I on the org chart, and I cannot avoid these venues. The work that I do intersects with his supervisess. Anyway, what has worked for me is to stay absolutely NC, other than a, “hello,” which he does initiate.
It is almost “highschoolish”, but in those events that I know he will be at, I “program” my route to be entirely different than his, AND I make sure that I have a colleague with me. I either go really early and find a seat at the very back of the room on an outside edge of a row, and then engage myself in conversation with the colleague, or take out my portfolio and catch up on past reading material, OR I wait to go in at the last minute, and stand at the outside edge by the door. Either way, when the meeting or presentation is over, I can get out the room immediately.
There have been many an occasion where we come face to face. He usually stops and says, “hello.” I simply say, “hello”, but I look at that spot right in the middle of the forehead rather than down or in his eyes. That way, if anyone sees me or is with me, I am not appearing rude, etc. I also continue to keep walking. On one horrid occasion, we did end up, because of a bottleneck, exiting the room side by side. It was the most painful 5 minutes of my life, but I survived. I did not engage in smalltalk.
Most people, including him, have a sort of set pattern of behavior. Arrives at work between such and such a time, goes to lunch between such and such a time, parks in the same area of the garage, etc. He is no different. So, I changed my patterns, slightly, but not enough that my life has had to be entirely disrupted. It just mitigates the random encounters, a bit.
Also, there are times that I have found him looking at me, I just simply turn the other way and engage in conversation with someone else or turn around and walk away. As far as I know, no one knew about us, but then, one never knows. I know I kept quiet, but I don’t know if he did.
While all of this is so counterintuitive to who I am, it has saved me from getting involved, again, with him on any level. When there is work related stuff, I let the higherarchy work for me, in that I use any route possible to follow the chain of command. I used to not follow that at all, but the layers of the system have been a lifesaver for me.
While it is extremely uncomfortable to have to do all of this planning and evading, it has kept me from getting “reeled” in. Although I have not completely healed, I have healed to the point that no matter how much I feel that “pull” that he has over me – the addiction – I will continue with this exhausting routine, until I get to where he no longer has that effect on me. Time does not heal all wounds, not wounds of this nature, anyway, so I have to change my behaviors, etc.
Hope this help.
@Cassie – no, wanting some alone time is good. Maybe I wasn’t too clear … there is a difference though. For instance I am loving being alone at home on a Saturday
Having my own space is great … but that’s not quite what I meant.
@Meant yes lol partially that and partially forcing myself to do some stuff I’ve been putting off. Strategies? Imagine there’s a HUGE flashing sign over his head saying “I AM A SMUG C***!!!!”
Subconciously add to the end of every sentence he says to you the word “wanker”.
Imagine him on the toilet after a mega strong Phaal curry. Add your own noises.
Consider how SURE you are that he does not have any diseases. Specially consider HIV. These are extreme measures.
Remember how shit you felt the other night after you spoke to him and reminisced …
Above all … professionalism. TELL HIM YOU ARE JUST WORKMATES. Tell yourself it. You do not have to accept a drink with him/his room/your room/a dance or anything else. Can you wear the cost of room service instead of dining with him? Take a new book with you. Make the most of the bath to wallow … ANYTHING! You do not have to spend 24/7 with him
+++
I don’t want to jimx this. I just don’t want to. I have met someone recently who ticks all my actual wants boxes – honest, reliable, kind, trustworthy. He seems to like me. I’d never have thought of someone like him as ever being interested in me and tbh I would have had all my defences up so much that he wouldn’t have been interested. As it is, he met the real me, the relaxed me (I even made a point of turning up not fussed about a bad hair day or getting all dressed up). I dunno if anything will happen, I am not betting on any potential but I feel very comfortable around him and not in the familiar way. Quietly smiling and seeing what happens … but if something does then I will be telling you because it will be because of NML, because of you ladies and because I stopped putting my energies on that clown.
@ Leonine:
Sadly, the only reason I pushed him away was because I didn’t think he was good looking. Nothing else was wrong with him. In fact, I couldn’t understand why I was not attracted to him before last year. He is ambitious, successful, funny…all the things women seek in men, and yet, it was only after me last relationship ended in March 2008 that I felt as if I needed to be with him before he gave his heart to someone else. Growing up, he used to wait for me after school, he’d call me at home and be on the phone for hours listening to me talk about my “issuesâ€, he was just truly my best friend. A few years back, he even spent an entire day with me and my gf walking the mall and carrying our bags and I still treated him like shit. He has always been there, always loving me, always asking for a chance, and I always said no. He was willing to wait on me but I told him to move on with his life. I am not denying that he is EU or even a potential narcissist, but I really don’t want to cast the impression that I am a saint and have done nothing wrong. I know that my rejection (and the fact that he sat and watched me constantly choose other men – who treated me like shit and cheated on me – over him) is a big part of why he has become this way. Trust me, he was not always like this as he was once so true and so pure. I know that my awful ways brought out the coldness in him that we all have inside us. I hurt him… but maybe… now… perhaps I deserve for him to hurt me??
@ aphrogirl:
When I think about it, I say “ugh†and “ick†too. NO, I do not run in circles where infidelity is ok. In fact, nothing scares me more than being cheated on since that is the main cause of my past devastations. This is why I am so disappointed in myself because before being involved with my bff, I used to really despise women who got with another’s man/bf/husband. Now look at me, I have become the same piece of trash that I hate…and as much as I want to pull away, I just can’t fight the feeling that no one else will love me like he did/does/can.
@ PlanetJane
I also believe that I am EU but I don’t know how to really open up anymore. Each time I open up to him or to my best gf, I feel overwhelmed and have to pull away for a day or more. I know that we are both unhealthy, but I believe that I caused him to be this way with my rejection. I know how badly it hurt him when I would brush him off to be with my “next best loverâ€â€¦and all the while, he still held hope for me.
@Butterfly
Hope your finger gets better soon.
I won’t deny that I think he is treating me shitty, but I also won’t deny that I treated him shitty for so much more than 8 months. I don’t say this to justify what he is doing; I say it because I don’t want you to believe that I am a saint in this either. I really appreciate your bluntness; it was like a slap in the back of the head
)
P.S. I have NML’s book. I have also read up on narcissism and yes, I think he is more of that than EU also.
@Sadthing:
Wow, I don’t even know what to say since you were so accurate. This LDR is his first relationship and I was surprised he chose to be with someone who lives so far away. As for me, I had been planning to go to school in the US for a while, but he pushed for me to choose a school nearby him. He seemed genuinely happy that I would be coming to study there.
Ladies, when I read your responses, I get the universal message of: BACK OFF NOW!!! I am usually averse to taking advice, but yours is advice based on experience and lots of information. I will listen. I know it will be hard to back away because, I have a hard time getting over anything, especially relationships (and the men). I’m trying to work on my self-esteem and self-worth. I know that I should not accept his behaviour and that I should set appropriate boundaries, but I also know that there is a sick part of me that is desperate to be loved (though I question if I even know how to love), and that this desperation causes me to feel as if I deserve his treatment since I hurt him. I suppose my subconscious wants me to be the one who can heal his broken heart. I will keep reading this site, hoping to gain further insight.
I truly appreciate all the time you have spent “listening†to my troubles and giving me your great advice.
Blessings and best wishes to you all,
Ade
@lisa and Angelina
Thank you so much for your suggestions. You are right lisa, I cannot get out of working with him at this event – we are both on the planning committee for the conferences (this is the 8th one we’ve been involved in planning), and so we *have* to interact. The first time will be tomorrow at a planning committee meeting before the attendees arrive (which will be on Monday). So there will be about 15 of us at the pre-meeting, and at the dinner/drinks event afterwards. I usually sit with him and a couple colleagues of his, but there are others I sometimes sit with, and I will make a conscious effort to sit with these other people (who are a lot of fun, anyway!!) as per Angelina’s suggestion. Lisa, I’m sure he’s not sweating at all about seeing me again, and I suppose he may just think I’ll go back to my usual pattern of interacting with him, as your MM expected. You’re right, that is a nauseating thought. It’s funny, usually at this time I am sooo excited about seeing him again, and can’t wait for the conference to begin. This time I am dreading it.
Not sure if I can stay away from alcohol completely (I usually have a few at these events), but I’ll definitely cut back so I can stay focused on what’s best. Angelina, I won’t be able to stay on a completely different route than him (which is a great idea), but there will be some times during the conference that I can change my patterns slightly. I like the “looking at the middle of his forehead†idea. If I look into his eyes and he has that “little boy look†that can make me melt, it may be difficult not to think of him in a loving way. One problem time will be when I am presenting a session – I suppose there’s not much I can do about being at the front of the room then!!! You said “As far as I know, no one knew about us, but then, one never knows. I know I kept quiet, but I don’t know if he did.†– this is the same for me, but I’m almost positive he wouldn’t have told anyone as he is a MM. However, the conference organizers and some of our colleagues do know we usually hang out with the same crowd during these things, and they know the ex is my brother’s supervisor, so they may wonder why I avoid him.
As far as I know, he may not even care/react if I avoid him. And this is where I am becoming my own worst enemy. I would hate him to start flirting with someone else – I am ashamed to admit I would be jealous, even though I know what “she†would be getting – a roller coaster ride with an EUM (unless he finds someone who’s fine with “no strings sexâ€).
Angelina, I really liked your last paragraph, and I hope to get there too.
Thank you again for your support – I don’t know what I would do without the wonderful people on this site! I am going to get back to preparing my presentation now, so I will feel more confident about it!!!
@Butterfly
Sorry to double post, but I didn’t see your response before I hit submit. Thank you for your suggestions too – I love your sense of humour!!! So now I have the fly-ridden crotch image, the sign over his head, the “wanker” additions to his sentences, and the imagined HIV – hopefully he won’t have a chance now!!! It’s more myself I am worried about, though. I *must* be strong!!!
and I hope things go well with the new person in your life
Butterfly,
“Subconciously add to the end of every sentence he says to you the word “wankerâ€
LOLOL! You are truly funny, and I wish I would have thought of that when the guy had showed up in my life a few times! I’m saving that thought just in case.
Ok, so I just researched “narcissist”, I don’t agree anymore that my bff is one. He is, instead, a HUGE commitmentphobe, and sadly a coward. *sigh*
I really like what you wrote about “struggling to hold onto a relationship that doesn’t exist.” I see this happen to so many women who are trying to hang onto the relationship that they used to have, or an idealistic version of their relationship. As for me, I don’t feel that I am emotionally lazy, but I think that it can easily happen to anyone if you let yourself forget that relationships require continued effort to succeed.
Meant to be Happy: I, too, am my own worst enemy, because I wonder if he is impacted by my actions. And, that it another damned addiction: being in his head instead of mine.
Thus, while I will continue to argue against the concept of me being emotionally lazy. Emotionally absorbed, emotionally addicted to trying to make sense out of nonsense, but definitely not lazy. Anyway, that is not my point here.
Susan Elliott, Getting Past Your Past, talks of, “Rejecting the Rejector.” I’m not quite sure that I truly understand the way in which she writes of this, but how I have come to use this term is to switch from sadness to empowerment. Instead of wondering why he did or didn’t do something, to think of his character traits that harmed me. And to turn it around to: I don’t want a man who was rude and disrespectful to me. I don’t want a man who walked away from kind, loving, and caring. Nor do I want a man who is duplicitous and hypocritical. I deserve the best of the best of characters.
So, when you are presenting, and if he is in the room… Focus on you and what you would envision to be a stellar presentation, not what he might think about it. For me, the negative imaging that others use for aversion – that has just never worked for me – so I instead focus on what I can do to make me look outstanding, classy, ultra-professional, calm, cool, collected.
I hope that I am making some sense here.
@Ade actually the more I read the more likely Narc comes to mind … so he idolised you, couldn’t have you, you were “better” than him, he had to have you blah blah blah … and then he can have you and you want him and he has the reason to devalue you. I hope I am wrong, Narcs are bad news in life, but it resonates so much with all I know of them
@lisa thank you and trust me I wish I’d thought “tiny cock tiny cock” harder than I did. LOL.
@Angelina,
“I deserve the best of the best of characters.” – yes, we do!!!
“I hope that I am making some sense here.” – yes, you are!!!
Thank you so much
@Meant
I have one for you. About a year ago, the MM and I were going to find ourselves in the same hotel for one night. We were at one of the friends-only stages at the time, but I dreaded the trip because our travel department had booked us at the same hotel even though we were there for different meetings and by the time I realized it I was stuck with that reservation.
When I arrived he’d already been there for two days. Met me in the lobby, having picked up some takeout for us. I had no intention of sleeping with him, and had told him so. He didn’t push the issue, but at one point while we were sitting around and making each other laugh hysterically, he kissed me on the top of my head. It was almost ridiculously chaste. Didn’t matter. That opened my floodgates and were in bed 10 minutes later.
I’m making this story too long. Here’s the part I cringe to tell: he didn’t spend the night. All these months of “uncanny connection”, hugs and holding hands, love that transcended all and such drivel, and he LEAVES after sex.
I was ever so casual about it with him, but after he’d gone I cried so hard that I thought my heart would burst. He’d said, after tossing and turning for about 10 minutes after he had turned out the lights and set the alarm, that if he stayed he wasn’t going to get any sleep because he just couldn’t stay away from me. He had a very big interview the next morning, but guess what – I was there for an interview, too. When he got up I pretended to be asleep already. The few minutes it took him to get dressed and collect his things were the most humiliating moments of my life.
Yes, there were explanations later, and months down the road a lot of the intimacy came back, but I have never for one minute forgotten how I felt lying under that hotel sheet as he was fumbling with his shirt and pants. No matter what he said to justify it, the fact remained that HE LEFT AFTER SEX. That was our last hotel “rendezvousâ€. I have to admit I had sex with him one other time after that, right before I moved away. One of the hardest things immediately afterwards was to get myself collected and leave. In case he might beat me to it.
Think of the singular most callous thing that came your way at some point in your relationship and stir up all the unpleasant feelings that came with it. Allow yourself to feel whatever it was that had sickened you at some point. Picture him doing it to you over and over again as you’re having a civilized glass of wine with him and your colleagues. You know you don’t want to wake up the next morning, step into an unfamiliar hotel bathroom and look at your face in the mirror. The person staring back at you will be someone who had just forgiven the unforgivable “one last time†came back for more hurt and humiliation.
I want you to come back as the strong, bright, and beautiful woman who tells us all about how she laughed at the pathetic advances of some guy who is so far from her league that he might as well be that leper with a rotten crotch. Yeah, so he wants you. So what? The drunk and greasy guy that is waking up in his own vomit in some doorway you pass in the morning wants you too. You gonna stop and give him what he wants rather than go on with your day (which by the way may very well be filled with droves of new guys that actually deserve to worship at your pedestal. Ya know what? I say screw ‘im. My dog has better manners than guys like him even if she does drink from the toilet.
I just booted up MSN Messenger and there he was. Almost had to laugh. He had never used that message line that appears under your screen name in the main window, but this time I saw that he’d changed it to “sad and tired†sometime between yesterday’s (unanswered) text message to me and just now. Oh please. Yes, why don’t I just pull out my Amex and book the next flight home so that I can tend to his needs.
I’m not nearly as over him as I sound tonight. But I did work myself up enough to get rid of missing him just now.
Aega´s last blog ..Family Picture
Hey guys, I don’t know what that link under my last post is. I hit “submit” and it showed up. ??
Aega´s last blog ..Family Picture
Hi girls I have a question,how can I be sure that I will find a nice guy? I know that is kind of pessimistic but that is how I have been felling about relationships lately.I have been hearing that I will find a guy that deserves me since my first failed relationship(about 10 years ago) and until today he havent showed up.Sometimes I think I will never find it.So how can I be sure that I will find him?
@ Anusha STOP LOOKING AND DO STUFF FOR *YOU*.
@Meant – I liked Angelina’s comments about projecting yourself at that conference. This is very sound advice … do it for you
@Aega
OK, your story is really resonating with me, and making me feel stronger, even though I have tears in my eyes. My tears are those of empathy, sympathy, recognition, and also result from remembering the times when my ex treated me almost exactly the way you described. Most of the times we are at these conferences, he wants to stay the night, and *I* am the one who wants him to return to his room so no-one discovers we have been together (we have been almost careless at times, which is highly risky and ridiculous, as neither one of us wants to jeopardize our careers). However, after the times we have met at motels for the afternoon, he is always the one rushing to leave, so he isn’t “a few minutes late getting homeâ€. One time, I discovered this was an excuse. I had asked him for one more hug, and he quickly gave me one, saying “we should go, otherwise it will just be one more hug after another and we’ll be here for ages.†I then suggested I could go for one more “round†(so to speak), and he was completely fine with spending the time to do *that*! So yes, that behaviour (and other EU actions he displayed) has made me feel crappy many times. Thank you so much for your suggestion too.
@Butterfly
“I liked Angelina’s comments about projecting yourself at that conference†– so did I, and it gave me even more motivation to prepare an amazing presentation – for me and the other attendees, not for him.
Anusha, I don’t know how old you are but its hard to imagine that all young men have gone EUM in your gen. I think the lesson learned on this site is we need to be really careful with who we choose to get involved with. And if you are looking for a partner, a man to raise a family with then pay close attention to Brad’s posts. He has spelled out the distinction between the ” fun guy”, the attractive guy, the players, the nice guy and the ones with the serious qualities needed for a long term partner.
You very much are seeking a solid and good person and this means looking beyond, maybe even looking away from the type of men who you typically get involved with. Maybe this means carefully evaluating the kind of guys you are typically attracted to. Maybe this means paying attention to some men that you are not initially attracted to. Many people choose partners based on physical looks and social position, money, status etc… Those things are not top priorities on my list.
The point of all these posts is that fallback girls often fall in with men that are not so good and then stay there. If you enjoy the exciting qualities that the EUM initially brings to a relationship without noticing if he has the solid qualities that are needed you will be a bit lost at sea. My priorities are an ability and desire to grow and communicate, and if the relationship is lacking a solid foundation – , strong and intelligent communication and mutual goals, then I think one must move on and look elsewhere or you will be miserable.
We are not born with crystal balls, but like I said, its so hard to imagine a whole generation has gone bad. Seek those qualities of communication and commitment in another, and be sure they are in you, and that is the best way to find a good man or friend. Remember you have to be ready to do things differently than in your past, and you have to be ready to take a hard look at the relationship and be willing to leave if it’s not working. Good luck.
@ butterfly: thank you for the welcome back! My daughter and I had a great time – and I had my own secret fun spotting Eus, ACs and Fall Back Girls on the beach…. it’s amazing just how many there are, lol.
I wanted to run round giving all the poor FBGs this link!
love, Leonine
Anusha, I did think of something else. Earlier you mentioned that you have focused on a man being your main source of interest. This might make you a bit needy to a well balanced guy. You also noted you have no hobbies which is hard for me to imagine !
Being in NC from an EUM is the right time to focus on you. Here is what that means..explore and learn what gives you joy and happiness alone, that does not include another person. If you like art try painting or drawing. If you like music take up an instrument. I have played guitar badly all my life, but it is something I really enjoy and often keeps me grounded. I love hiking and camping and these are things I even enjoy doing by myself now that I am single. If you have been meaning to eat better, get in shape or any of that now is the time to do those things. Maybe you have always thought of volunteering to help old folks or others truly in need of help or a bit of company ( BUT NOT EUM”S !!!)
This is what everyone means by loving and taking care of yourself..finding out who you are, what you enjoy, and doing those things that you love. We all have the ability to be amazing people and really, we should never seek to be defined nor made happy by our partners, or sad by our lack of a partner. Loving yourself starts with getting to know who you are and what you believe in and then doing things that you enjoy, that defines you and gives meaning to your life.
This is lifelong work also, so its never too late to start. And I am most grateful for the opportunity to be reminded of that, thank you dear.
aphrogirl- Thanks for your coments.Im 26 and my ex was my first relationship but all the other guys I liked before him didnt like me back.Is amazing how that happens with pretty much every guy I like.Right now even I just got rejected by a guy online.I dont give too much importance to status or looks.I mean I do think looks have some importance and that you have to be at least a litle atracted to the guy otherwise the relationship cant happen but it isnt the most important thing.Most of the guys I liked even were considerated avarage or ugly.I dont know what is going on but Im having enough of all those disapointments.I really want a good relationship but I dont want to keep going trough that over and over again.Is like playing on the slot machine and losing every time,you realy want the price but after a while you get enough of always losing and stop to play.I realy fell like “stoping to play” with relationships for a while.
Anusha
Stopping for a time sure seems like a good idea to me.
I can only tell you how it was for me when I was younger. I never really wanted a boyfriend because I did not want to settle down, I wanted to travel and I did not want to get married. I never went on dates, I did have boyfriends but I got to know them through circles of friends. I was always part of a large group of friends. Like if you were on a softball team… except we just partied. I was not EUW but I did not want to be defined by a man and a relationship and all the men I knew, heck many I still know, have to call the shots. In my gen it really was very much a mans world and early feminists like me did not really want to buy into that world. But ai did settle down woth a good man for 30 years and raised a great girl who is now off to school. And met the EUM….and learned about NC, a great thing.
Even as I find myself single now, at 50, and very much do like being in a relationship, I cannot imagine going on any organized dating site. It has always seemed to me that when it comes to friends, lovers and attraction people come into my life at random, and that is the way I expect I will meet someone. I am not looking but I am open to the possibility. The more I get out and do things I like..the more likely I am to meet someone without actively seeking. Like you have to stop looking and wanting and just be open to all life has to offer.
Again, recovering from the EUM is time to learn new healthier ways, new hobbies and I think it is definitely a time to give up the man hunting hobby for some time while you work on finding out who you are and feeling good on your own.
Men can be fun, but trust me, an old lady, there are lots of other things as much fun. Finding those things, and doing them and enjoying them – without a man in the picture – is such a confidence booster. And secure men are attracted to confident woman. And you will never break your own heart by finding and loving you.
Good Evening,
I had to come here to reinforce what I already know- NC means NC. Today’s is my ex’s birthday, and I really wanted to send him a quick email-just to say happy birthday. It seemed the “decent” thing to do. Well, I am reading some of the reactions to the latest article, and I remembered, these EUMs don’t treat anyone decently (for an extended or consistent amount of time, anyway) so why be decent to someone is who is not? I went to the store, bought some things I could have lived without, but hey, it is a small price to pay for my dignity.
@Butterfly-Sorry to hear about your finger. Hope it heals soon.
@Meant…stay away from the lounge or cocktail hour…if you don’t drink, that will be a plus.
Notice when you first see him how he’s not as tall as you remembered. My gosh…the man actually shrunk! He’s looking a bit tired also. Kind of unsure of himself and trying to get validation by getting your attention and keeping it. Oh my…he’s really obsessing about you not obsessing…he’s actually embarrassing himself. The more he talks and moves around…the smaller he gets. Shorter…shorter…and that horrid fly ridden crotch, oozing cold sore inside his mouth. Everyone sees the clown and he has no clue.
Remember, whatever you do…walk in each room, steppin’ high and thinking about the incredible woman you are and that at any moment you could walk into your destiny…while pee pants over in the corner is standing there waving his grubby hands for the attention.
Okay…and also remember this…we are all here watching you, cheering you on, Mz Incredible!!!
I was wondering about something … it’s not really in line with this post/thread but here goes (- otherwise please move this post if not entirely appropriate).
Sorry this sounds so basic but … well, a friend and I was discussing this concept of EU and she thought that it’s a case of ‘not being into me’ personally, and that he will be emotionally available to other women when he’s ready to properly move on. He was recently divorced when I met him but believe me he had all the tell tale signs of an EUM according to this site! Had been single most of his life, early abandonment issues, etc. etc. I am new to all this so I really don’t know what to believe. I’ve had great relationships before but this one just made a u-turn after two months and more or less took back his love and everything that came with it. He confused me completely.
If possible, it would be great to get some input on this. This is the most complicated man I have ever met!
@Penny – good for you girl
I think I am also to the stage of reinforcing NC, this site helped me learn a lot of things fast and I’ve explored further on various fronts. I have my closure in terms of knowing why. Now I need to keep the NC and I am utterly UTTERLY convinced that the menstrual cycle plays a part cos a few days ago I was so low and thinking of him, today I don’t give a stuff about him … and this is demonstrable. Other posts have stuff about pain addiction etc which was really handy (Nat? Thoughts?)
@Jetred YES YES YES he is going to be turning up the charm factor on her too cos he isn’t getting what he wants. I overlooked saying that to Meant … hugs to you.
@Meant – yeah he will. He will ooze and slime all over you. Don’t see it as signs he cares … it’s all about him. He will turn up the charm not because he loves you/misses you/is secretly crazy about you no matter what he says it’s his EGO. He has to chase … he has to win, to dominate, to prove he still has it and that you’re just that little weak bit of fluff … urgh, nasty I know but true … he already thinks he is on a promise so when that doesn’t turn up he will try harder. Just be firm and remember everything we’ve all said here cos we have never met you, we have never seen you, we have never touched you but there’s a bond with all of us far more special than this GIMP ever gave you.
Sorry Elle – just saw your post. Going for the short answer here = unless you’ve had a dose of this behaviour personally you can’t understand it so friends aren’t always supportive. Having said that your friend could well be right. As usual I recommend NML’s downloadable book, will give you some food for thought about YOU, not this guy. He’s not the important part, in any way, you are and your role in why this has happened. That confusion, that taking back, that red hot bait and switch? Yeah … we’ve all had that here and it’s devastating not least because you can’t understand it.
I really recommend that book of Nat’s – apart from anything, it’s supporting her to keep this resource going and it’s a bloody marvellous job she does.
Elle, there are a few constants to stories on this site. Yours is much like mine..a first encounter with a troubled person. Here is what I learned…I have been taught to help others, and those in need, perhaps to an extreme. The ” complicated” man I knew did 180′s whenever he got closer but could never talk about the biazarre turn of events after the fact. And that would both confuse and frustrate me. That confusion gave me illogical strong feelings of wanting to hold on and work even harder.Though I knew to keep some distance, I still got pretty involved and also depressed by the instability and confusion.
All along, I assumed he wanted help becoming healthier. What I see now is that he does, but does not have the life workforce to do that work, and is comfortable enough being unhealthy.
Also, I think this confusing behavior in a man often does trigger motherly helping instincts in women, and can make the guy appear special, he’s wounded, bla bla bla. Maybe they are wounded but read enough of our posts and you will see they are not so special…well, maybe especially awful.
Because I was taught to work with people, and because I grew up with a mentally ill mom, I suppose I will always be vulnerable to the confused push pull needy types. Its just I have never encountered one before, and I got really depressed trying to develop a mature relationship work with an EU, non communicative man.
And Butterfly is right bout your girlfriends, if you have never been through it you can’t really relate and it the ” he’s just not that into you” philosophy does not quite fit. At the same time it would be great to read all over this site because there may be a way to spot these types, and what it is in ourselves that may attract or accept their behavior, instead of dealing with it before we get too involved.
Oh, and two months, consider yourself lucky and hopefully this is not too hard and you are not much invested. My odd EUM experience lasted for years and I figure it will take me a sold year on NC to make me fully grasp all the lessons.
Elle,
I think of being emotionally unavailable as a diagnosable, clinical condition that a psychotherapist would recognize and possibly treat. Here in the lay world there is no cure, because EU isn’t something that usually bothers the patient, so few ask for treatment or believe they should change.
Outside of a mental health treatment plan, men don’t change. Not when so much advertising and macho crap keeps reinforcing the stereotype.
Emotionally unavailable is not the guy that sort of likes you but doesn’t really want you that much. EU is the person that wants part of a relationship – closeness or sex or social image, say – but not the rest. Certainly not trusting someone to share responsibilities and to be dependable for their partners. The very thing that healthy relationships thrive on, the trust and respect for each other, the EU is uninterested in, if not terrified about.
For those of us trying to stumble through our lives, the rules and meanings get simplified – the guy and gals chasing bed partners aren’t interested in a real, mated, shared life. They engage their sexual libidos, maybe share a residence, but they won’t let their emotion, at least not affection, get in the way of their goal – bed partners. Emotionally unavailable. This is a handicap, usually an injury of the psyche, one that can often be traced back to a period of deprivation or abuse. EU is not something one is able to resolve for themselves – it is a coping mechanism that wards them from further hurt or injury, it is *not* something they consciously choose.
And the nature of EU is that they are reluctant to explore their condition, because it is usually tied up with pain and feelings of isolation and often they felt belittled, when the pattern was set. So they shy away from anything that comes close to the issues that have dogged their lives.
What we see of the EU is the choices they make. What is tough is to accept that they aren’t building a relationship because they have no healthy concept of what a relationship should be. Their problems prevent them from ever getting emotionally involved – committed – to a loving, shared life with another. What was the comment Steve Buscemi makes in “Con Air”, something about, “He has been hurt so much that now laughter really is pain, for him.” Their feelings and responses have been reprogrammed at a very basic level; they truly are different, in the context of relationships.
Finally, I ask this. If the guy were healthy, would he rather find a woman to have a meaningful relationship with – or keep hanging about someone he doesn’t really care for?
Brad K.´s last blog ..br: The practice doll
@Jetred,
He’s getting shorter- love it! I am actually quite tall, so I usually wear my flats when I see him, but you’ve just given me the idea to pack my high heels, too! He *will* be shorter, lol. And I’m not packing my sexy underwear, either – I will feel so business-like, it won’t be funny!
@Butterfly “there’s a bond with all of us far more special than this GIMP ever gave you.” – yes, that’s true. I feel like you are all coming to the conference with me
I will be leaving soon to drive to the city where the conference is being held. Thanks again to all of you for your support. I’ll keep you posted!!
Meant xoxo
Ade, sounds like you are looking for excuses as to why he is not commiting. Sure you might have hurt him and rejected himin the past but this is here and now! You need certain things and he can´t give it. Simple as that. I´d give him an ultimatum to either get in (and get over you rejecting him in the past if that is the issue, which I doubt) or get out.
Elle: Brad K. makes a good point about EU “being” a diagnosable, clinical, psychological condition. I’m not sure that it is labeled in the DSM IV, but most definitely people who are EU are wired in such a way, OR have learned behaviors that keep them from a heart to heart engagement with another person.
There is “tons” of literature out there on this topic. Much of it anecdotal, but also quite a bit written by psychotherapists. If you really want to learn about this “condition”, I would suggest reaading
“He’s Scared, She’s Scared” by Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol; “The Commitment Cure” by Rhonda Findling; “How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved” by Sandra L. Brown, “Deal Breakers” by Betheny Marshall, and “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl” by NML. There is another book out there by Brynn Collins but I can’t remember the title. I recommend reading them all.
I also recommend that you focus on the parts the teach you how to reinforce your own mental health rather than focusing on the other person and what he may or may not be thinking.
Each book covers the same topic in a slightly different manner, as each author has a very unique style of writing. Each book has a different “cure” for you and your dealing with the pain and exhaustion of getting involved with one of these men.
In my life, I ended up being married to an EUM, and then I was in a relationship with an EUM. So, these men can commit to long term relationships and not have other women, but they can have other “mistresses”. One had hobby after hobby after hobby, and the other was so busy “pretending” to be busy, that there was little time for a real connection to me. I never had the drama of some of the situations described here, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t end up with a lot of pain, either. What happened, in my marriage, is that we just ended up drifting apart; at a certain point, I disengaged. While I know that my husband had really cared for me, he just couldn’t connect with me in a way that I needed, or maybe, I couldn’t connect in a way that he needed. Or, maybe relationships just run their course.
So, I differ with Brad’s opinion, a bit, in that not all of these men are as disconnected and as tortured – there are “levels”, I think, of EU. That said, they are programmed much differently than those who want to really connect. Because, just look at the stats on infidelity and read the number of posts here on the same topic: We read, over and over, the MM who has been married for 30 plus years, but also had the same mistress for almost as many. No, that is not healthy, but they are relationships. Ugh. . .
aphrogirl- Thank you for your answer”.Like you have to stop looking and wanting and just be open to all life has to offer.”
I think you are right,at least everytime I kept looking it didnt work out so maybe is time for me to stop looking and just be open to what life has to offer like you said.Everything you said realy touch me and was exactaly what I needed to hear right now,thank you very much.
Brad-What a nice description of the EUM.It was realy helpfull to me and I guess it will be too for all the others.
@Jetred and Meant,
I had all but forgotten about the “incredible shrinking manâ€, LOL. Both he and I are 5’10â€, but yes, the difference is that I can wear heels, plus there is this perception people have that a beanpole like me is Amazon-tall, whereas a guy his height and build is just average. I know he was always a bit self-conscious about that and I’d play it down by wearing flats when we were together. I’m going home for a 10-day vacation in two weeks and I’ve been dreading being in the same city with him again (a million people in it and we manage to run into each other at hardware stores anyway). We are in the same industry and have too many acquaintances and colleagues in common for comfort. Taking your advice now, Meant – the naughty stuff stays home but the 3-inch heels are getting packed. I’m picturing looking down at him from that height when he utters one of the clichés that we have all heard and quoted here from these guys, and suddenly those lines sound even more ridiculous.
I haven’t got “When Good People Have Affairs†by Mira Kirshenbaum yet (how does one walk into a bookstore and buy something like that??), but I did google her as you suggested and in the articles and interviews I read there was one constant theme – don’t ever tell. Prior to this “AC quagmire†mess as you very aptly called it, I like to think that I was a pretty honest person, and I had a strong sense of fairness. Now I’m sitting here in limbo because having abused the trust of the person I was supposed to love and protect, I don’t feel it’s fair that he should be saddled with a liar. The reason that I haven’t asked for a divorce is that I don’t know how to say it. He deserves better than what he got but he also deserves the stability he thinks we have. I would never come clean, as they say; I had been cheated on once by someone I was at the time engaged to and wish I had never found out. That was a terrible year. And now, no matter what I do, I will hurt someone just as I had been hurt. So I’m passing the days of my work contract out here, 2 thousand miles away from home, doing nothing about my marriage, hoping that time will do its thing and after a while it won’t matter so much to him that I’m gone.
I don’t like myself very much these days.
Thanks ever so much everyone who replied to my question, and also shared your own stories. It gave me good insight, and I have firmly decided to go ‘No Contact’ from now on. It may sound drastic but I feel I have little choice. It will get more difficult with time surely and, quite frankly, I can see little point in continuing. Hopefully it won’t be that difficult as it’s not been too long since we started seeing each other. He was very full on to begin with and as I understand it, that behaviour is fairly typical. Silly me I was flattered and funnily enough I didn’t think much of it, just thought it rather odd at times – it surprised me too at times, but I had no idea then it would harbour such dysfunction! (He really did seem genuinely in love and he was very caring).
I’ve reflected on his family today as well as he wanted me to meet them very quickly too, and because fo that, I thought he was sincere of course. They claim they’re ‘very close’ but I couldn’t see that they were at all, not in the way it really matters. I realised that am used to very different family dynamics. This must play a huge part in how they relate as adults.
Well ladies .. I feel like I’ve awoken from a *very* strange dream! This morning I felt completely lost and empty. The way he broke my heart is the cruellest thing I have so far experienced, so abrupt and heartless I almost can’t describe it on words … it’s like he just switched himself off emotionally, but he doesn’t want to end the relationship either! Which to me is the inevitable next step. But I suppose it’s onwards and upwards from now on! However, I really hope so. I can’t try to mend this on my own and especially when he’s hardly emotionally connected at all. It really feels like he just put on a good show and ran out of steam when he couldn’t muster up another (seemingly genuine) emotion.
I won’t go on too much, but shall look into the reading matter as well, thanks for that too. I don’t know much about this EU thing but you all seem fantastic – you can be proud of yourselves for the good work you put into your own lives and into this site
Lots of love xx
@Elle … yep. That sounds very familiar. You’ll be fine hon. Just don’t keep looking at him as the important part, the important part is you and your future.
The book by Brynn Collins is “Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding its Trap.” A friend recommended it to me. Another book by the same author is “How to Recognize Emotional Unavailability and Make Healthy Relationship Choices.” Final book recommendation, “The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing” by Patti Henry.
I can relate to Angelina’s issue about being so busy (on intangible stuff-things that would not express an opposing view or spending huge amounts of time in cyberspace-where you can pretend to be anyone you wish, and no one is the wiser.) After reading many of the posts on this site, I am convinced that cyberspace and today’s technology are just the tools that EUMs need to never realize there is a problem, let alone face it. But what is do know, is that you can’t “fix” or “heal” other people (especially when they don’t think there is a problem.) You can only work to heal yourself after emotional damage has been done. It won’t be easy, but if you keep trying, you will succeed. I am still trying.
“The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing” is a book that requires both partners in a committed relationship to travel the journey together.
It’s premise is that the man is actually able to realize that he is emotionally unavailable, and that the woman (his partner) is going to “be there” for him while he takes his admittedly necessary journey towards emotional availability.
While I think it is a good book for a woman and man who are committed to each other, I wouldn’t buy it if you are just looking for help in understanding EUM.
One more significant “thing” about the EUM personality: Cannot make a commitment to be with you, NOR can the person make a commitment to not be with you.
So, the only way an EU relationship ends is when the Emotionally Available person ends it and sticks to it.
@Angelina
But how long before it feels OK? This has been a hard weekend. I made myself have a busy Saturday where there were too many distractions to let my mind wander. Today though I went to finish a painting I had done for his daughter and I don’t know what to do with it promised it and sent pictures of it. It just needed a varnish. And I have these sweathshirts that at some point we had been shipping back and forth to each other as “care packages” because they would smell like whoever wore them last. They’re all his. All so silly in retrospect but so painful to look at still. I’m tired of crying.
OK i just have to vent before i gag on my own bile (eewww)…
The online ex (or is he?)….after the snail mail…we talked several more times. Every time i try to break it off completely, he won’t let me, kept saying “I love you” a gazillion times and off course I cave yet he’s still hot/cold i don’t know if it’s worth keep going.
How come i can’t seem to end a relationship I don’t think I wanna be in anymore?;( Now it’s as if, I’m miserable with or without him;(
I used to be so happy with him. But I don’t think I am anymore. Do I bail out now or try and stick it out? His brother just passed away yesterday…is it too cold to bail out now? We talked today and he was downright cranky. (He acted nonchalant and didn’t show any grief. I don’t think he knows how or doesn’t want me to know). What is the proper thing to do in this situation – stay away, give him time to grief, or keep letting him know you’ll be there for him? His behavoir is scaring me away little by little to the point where i just wanna flee.
Driving home from a friends tonight I actually was shocked to find myself unexpectantly shedding tears for the EUM, for the first time in weeks. Its been about five months of NC. I then angrily wondered how long I would feel sad about him, sad for him, sad for me and him. I also got angry, with him for being such an emo dunce and then back at me that I was still sad about him. And through all this anger and tears I also saw the silliness of the whole thing, which made me laugh a bit while I was crying. What a flippin mess.
I realized that i probably will always feel sad when I think of the boy clown, but also realize that the times I think about him are mercifully becoming less and less charged with emotion. And this is after only 5 months of NC.
Aega,
“Now I’m sitting here in limbo because having abused the trust of the person I was supposed to love and protect, I don’t feel it’s fair that he should be saddled with a liar.”"
You are a liar, only if you continue to lie. You have the ability to choose to do differently with your life from now on, than you have to this point. You have to choose to change – just as an alcoholic or other substance abuse has to choose, for themselves, that they are too terrified of their current life to live that way one more moment.
If you were indeed to change, to look at yourself and determine that you will be honest with yourself, honest and honorable with others, that you will be diligent in your responsibilities, that you will be the woman that pledged her life and heart to her marriage – you can. You have a mistake in your past, true, that you must, with all you are able to do, keep secret from everyone in your life. Forever. Consider this secret your own burden, a responsibility, an act to protect your family.
Prostitutes and adult performers leave their trade; some few people survive prison and undertake a “normal” life. Others have come to terms with their past, you can too. Accept that the choices you made in the past led to your dishonor. Understand the difference between “the sin” and “the sinner”, understand the Bible’s admonition to “hate the sin and not the sinner”. Unless you pray and believe, you will have to grant, and accept, your own forgiveness. And you should be forgiven if you are a) heartily sorry; b) understand the choices and lies that you followed, that contributed to your dishonor; c) accept that nothing can justify what you did; and d) spend the rest of your life avoiding the mistakes of your former life.
You say you are letting your marriage sit, untouched. Usually long distances are a terrible strain on a marriage, especially after a month or more. It takes lots of active communication, contact, and effort to keep it alive. If you are feeling isolated and lonely, I imagine your husband is, too. Now would be a really good time to resume being the wife he needs, to the best of your ability. Just be careful that you don’t gush over with remorse – that would imply something needed forgiveness, and that is your responsibility, not his. Re-engage on the daily life, on your affection for him – maybe a trip home for closeness. Do stop holding him away. You don’t want him to think you are tired of the marriage and want out.
Blessed be.
@ aphrogirl,
Crying over something that is sad is so very, very . . . good. The sadness is to be regretted, but should diminish with time, as it probably already has. You might forgive yourself for being sad a little quicker, you are likely due for some mercy! You might pamper yourself, just a bit, by watching a mindless movie to indulge a bit more (OK – call it wallowing, whatever!). Maybe Six Day, Seven Nights, with Harrison Ford, or Sleepless in Seattle, or something else terminally lame but sweet. Maybe an herbal tea with honey, a cozy comforter or pillow. Something that won’t show tears to clearly.
Peace.
Brad K.´s last blog ..Book: Judge Judy gets tough on romance
@Brad, I don’t know what I feel anymore, I haven’t for a very long time now. These are times someone like me wishes she had faith to fall back on. But I don’t and what I’m left with is trying to understand what happened here. I am going home for a couple of weeks end of this month and I’m dreading it as much as I’m looking forward to it.
@aphrogirl,
“I then angrily wondered how long I would feel sad about him, sad for him, sad for me and him. I also got angry, with him for being such an emo dunce and then back at me that I was still sad about him.” So maybe I’m not the only one who doesn’t know whether she is coming or going. We can sit here and tick off all the things we know were wrong or unhealthy about these relationships, and as we compare our experiences and their uncanny similarities it is easier to just feel indignance for a little bit. But for all the hurt and confusion these are still the same people we fell in love with in the first place. How does one root out love? Do you ever get all of it out of you?
Elle,
Your description of EUM was really helpful, for me as I am still realing from the end of a 7 year relationship with my ex. On the surface he appeared to most a “catch”. Funny, nice, good looking, has established his career – while on the inside I can tell you the nice easy going, physcially affectionate person was emotionally vacant. As long as we didn’t discuss anything of substance, or I required him to be honest, respect my feelings, put our relationship on his list of priorities, or asked him to express his emotions then everything was fine. I learned through my own experiences not to ask for anything, my feelings weren’t important while growing up in an home where my sister, mother, and i endured physical, psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. My ex eum seemed like a dream compared to the things i have had to live through – so I made noise, complained, argued, counselled till I was blue in the face. Just to get a few crumbs from my ex, in the end I couldn’t take it anymore I had no support not in any substantial way. I was suffering with my own issues stemming from my childhold which I had neglected to scared to face – and instead poured all and I mean all my emotional energy into our relationship. In the last year I felt empty so empty i couldn’t do it anymore, i realized i had no sense of who i was outside of the relationship. I made an effort to make friends with people, for the first time in my life trying to break down the wall i had built around myself outside of my personal relationship. My ex was not pleased, but never really expressed it, just passive aggressive behaviour. In the end I realized that I needed to figure out what was going on with me, since he didn’t feel comfortable talking about my issues and had become increasingly impatient with my absent labido as i battled the trauma of the sexual and physical abuse – waking up in cold sweats with nightmeres. He basically shut down, said nothing I explained to him I needed to step back try to deal with my problems figure out who i was outside of the relationship and was going to stay by myself for a bit but was not abandoning him. I called him constantly and tried to talk to him about our relationship and my needs … within three weeks he was sleeping with some 23 year chick he picked up at a club and is still with her to this day. I almost had a nervous breakdown and he continued to see her while we still lived together until the house was sold, and treating me like shit, first lying about the other woman and then openly flaunting his relationship in my face. I endured that for 5 months until we sold the home, and when we got an offer he attempted to derail it, saying we should hold out for a better one. In the meantime, i had stopped eating, sleeping, was drinking and couldn’t continue in my studies had to stop and all i could do was lie in my bed with constant anxiety attacks, dissociation and depersonalization. He barely took pity on me, left me over and over again in a puddle of tears, wailing, and distraught. Now 7 months later I am still suffering, some days i can’t get out of bed, can barely eat, barely sleep… i have to fight daily just to get through the day my ex has never called me other than tying up financial ends to really talk to me. I realize how much the pain is on some level is comfortable like NML says familar and I gravitate towards it, the fear of starting over is overwhelming. I am left trying to figure out who i am, what i like, the relationship and its aftermath nearly destroyed my mental, emotional, and physical health. I am trying to pick up the pieces and i realize how much like others have expressed i am afraid to be alone, alone without an EUM to bandage my poor self esteem.
@aphrogirl, Aega, and, well, everybody
I am sitting here in my hotel room balling my eyes out. It was so difficult to see my ex today that I couldn’t even look at him for the first part of the meeting today. He eventually said “hello” to me, and I answered briefly, then spoke as little as possible to him through the meeting and during the dinner/drinks afterwards. I made sure I was talking to other people the whole time, and kept a big (not fully authentic) smile on my face.
It took all my will power not to talk to him in the way I usually do at these conferences. If I saw him talking to a woman, I felt jealous for a bit, but was relieved he didn’t talk to anyone for long.
All I want right now is for him to come to my room and see me, but I didn’t tell him my room number like I usually do, so I know it’s not going to happen, and I know it would be breaking NC in a big way.
I am so pleased that I was able to resist him tonight (not that he put a *lot* of effort into talking to me – just got some reading materials for me that were helpful for a project I’m working on, and a few other minor gestures). I guess I’m glad that I didn’t “chase” him really. But I am also sooooo sad, and longing to be with him. Like I said, his voice, and the way he smells drive me crazy with desire. I can’t stop sobbing, and I am not looking forward to doing what I need to do for the conference tomorrow.
Sorry if I’m rambling and not making sense- I am posting here instead of what I would usually be doing – sleeping with *him*. Oh yes, and I have also had some alcohol this evening.
This feels horrible, but I know it would feel even worse if I were to sleep with him. It’s funny, I was having a conversation with another colleague (a man) who is divorced and recently in a new relationship, and he was telling me about women who have approached *him* in the last few years about having a no-strings sex relationship with him. He is surprised at the number of women who have suggested this. Did I miss something here, while women became as EU and compartmentalize relationships as much as how we typically thing of men doing?
I suppose I should get to bed – I have a *lot* to do tomorrow and it’s after 1am here. Thank you all for being there, and for all your suggestions earlier. Thinking of all of you was so helpful in getting through this very difficult first time seeing my ex since we broke up.
good night all,
Meant xo
@Meant, please don’t cry because you’re breaking my heart. Ya did good girl, real good. I know that feeling of bawling your heart out because you have this huge empty space inside into which all of you is collapsing. You’ve got through the first night, though, and you’ve got the finish line ahead of you. Hotels are depressing anyway (I hate traveling on business) but once you’re back home the fact that you’ve kept up NC through unbelievably tough circimstances will feel like a huge victory. I know it hurts right now, but if you were with him, you would be opening up the door for him to hurt you so much more in the coming days.
Lots of hugs.
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