1. It really is just a date, not a marriage proposal, nor is it the start of your life, your ticket outta ‘here’ or anything else. It’s just a date. I’m not saying that with more dates, time and progression into a bonafide relationship that it won’t lead into something special, but for now, it’s just a date. I don’t know what is going on with us with our modern lives, but so many people are itching to offload the life they’re in and hitch their wagon to someone, anyone that will take them out on a date. They want this one to be it. It’s too much pressure that sets you up for disappointment or will have you Fast Forwarding. Appreciate and enjoy your own life and you won’t be so invested in something and someone you don’t know.
2. If you’re getting attached to every date or even every prospect of a date, you’re really not that fussy, and you don’t know what you want, other than you seem to want to be attached to someone. If you feel attached to and disappointed by ‘everyone’ you interact with romantically no matter how vaguely, how can you truly have felt something?
3. Know yourself before you sexually wreck yourself. If you’re the type of person that struggles emotionally after you are sexually intimate with someone and are likely to feel invested, don’t ‘get down’ until you’re on enough solid footing to handle the emotional consequences.
4. If you do have sex fairly quickly into dating someone, keep in mind that you may have to write it off. Is it fair? Well it’s not about ‘fair’ per se. Sex confuses things. While some people aren’t bothered, some will actually feel embarrassed about letting themselves get carried away and won’t know how to roll back, so they disappear. I mean, how do you go from having sex to holding hands and ‘getting to know one another’? It can happen sometimes, but it can be a bit like closing the door after the horse has bolted. I’ve also heard too many stories about people trying to roll back to chaste but they keep ‘finding’ themselves naked.
5. People unfold after you meet them, not this ‘changing’ BS. How can someone you’ve known a wet week or a month ‘change’? It’s not that you met them one way and then they ‘changed’ – it’s that you met them, you thought they were certain things, they presented their own thing, and then they unfolded. That’s what time and experience does – show you who someone truly is. As a friend of mine reminded me of the wise words of the wonderful Chris Rock, when you go out on those first few dates, you’re meeting their representative… and they’re meeting yours.
6. Unless they’re dead, or in coma, there really isn’t a good reason for someone disappearing on you. Remember this when they creepy creepy back into your life and expect to pick up where they left off (the Reset Button) without too many barriers to entry. The more they want to hit that button, the shadier they are. Now lift your hand up with me and push that mental flush handle several times.
7. If you don’t want to have sex early into dating, just don’t put yourself in the position (excuse the pun) to do so. It means you don’t have dates in your home, or go to their place afterwards, or invite them into yours. It’ll spare you the awkward “I know we have our tongues jammed down each other throats and are engaging in some heavy petting, but actually, did I mention that I don’t really want to have sex until I’ve gotten to know someone?” Yeah…
8. A date isn’t coming into your life to boost your ego, make your life right, or even pay your bills. Boost your own ego, make your own life right, and pay your own bills. Some of you are looking for salvation, not romance, and assclowns, people who at best want to take advantage of you or at worst, want to abuse you, will home in on you like sharks smelling blood in the water. Personal security is very attractive. There’s nothing wrong with a little insecurity (we all have them) but desperation isn’t sexy.
9. I’ve said this many times, but just because you’re dating someone or have even progressed into a relationship, it does not mean that you have to sack off your friends, family, interests, goals and aspirations as if this person is the be all and everything. They’re just not that special. I’m not saying that they’re not special but unless someone wants to isolate you and control you, you parking your life as you know it to become their Siamese twin and to live out of their backside is a one way ticket to an unhealthy codependent relationship. Have your own life before you embark on a relationship and keep your own life.
10. You are not auditioning on your dates and if there are any auditions going on, both of you are doing it. There is too much posturing going on and many people seem to cultivate lives and personas that they think might be attractive to their idea of a ‘perfect’ partner, when what they should be doing is cultivating lives and authentic selves that are attractive to themselves. The stories I hear are like a series of challenges in America’s Next Top Model, from how to look like how you think they want you to look, to rolling out your sexual moves, to trying to do everything for them, to being like an on-demand entertainment system (yeah like someone’s Tivo, only they press buttons for an ego stroke or a shag), to how much boundary busting can one person put up with. Enough!
We spend too much time trying to be the ‘right’ person for every person that comes into our lives because we think it’s super important to be chosen by everyone (like being picked for teams at school), but actually, we need to spend more time discovering whether someone is the right person for us.
Remember, dating is a discovery phase.
Your thoughts?
The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship is now available from my bookshop along with with Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. You should definitely be reading these if your imagination gets carried away when dating or you’ve wound up in a number of unavailable relationships.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Thank you Snowboard and Runnergirl, thank you with all my heart.
Two things hit me in your comments:
1. Avoiding the friends. Truth is, I wont have to see them for long because i.m moving to a different country and as much as I care about them, you have pointed out something I didnt really grasp, they make me feel WORSE. with one exception. Of course theyre all nice and supportive but they re a constant reminder. I have cried my eyes out to one of the girls who really cares so much more about him than me, its obvious.NEVER will I do that again. Im keeping my drama to myself until I figure out an elegant way to respond
2.The drinking. I have engaged into some serious drinking in the last 3 weeks of NC. Sometimes it helps sometimes it just makes me feel worse. I know its wrong and it has to stop. Yesterday after posting on BR i decided no martini anymore, lets see if i can go to sleep without an anaesthetic. It was difficult but i made it and to my surprise i didnt even dream of the EUM/AC and his new gf. Im just in the depression phase, I need to let it sink in that i made a mistake, acted stupid and forgive myself for that.
You ladies have gone through much bigger issues that this im sure. I know it must sound silly of me to be so stuck on a guy i was seeing for 2 months. He must have thought im crazy too to be so desperate about him. i have said some lame cheesy romantic things
) Ill take the good advice and make the cleanest cut possible. Ive done so for 3 weeks. I will see him at a party tonight which I cannot avoid, its the farewell party since we are all ending a 5 month traineeship and scattering across europe. It will hurt like hell, and im prepared for a shitty evening, but its the last time, really the last contact i have to have with him. And if the evening gets sad and lonely, ill come running back to BR. No more drunken arguing, begging, crying in public etc. no more drama!!!!!
I have no idea why im attracted to these “magnet” type of guys. Maybe its my secret desire to snatch the guy that no other woman can have, or its abandonment issues or mommy issues or probably all of them. Ill read some more on BR and maybe ill find an explanation..
Have a great weekend filled with love!!
Its incredible how I can pour my heart out to people I have never met, but find it impossible to tell my mom that im having a bad day or a bad week..
deedee
i used to like the magnet guys too but here’s the thing ANY WOMAN can have him. I’ll concede that they prefer women who are more attractive than average but look around you. Beautiful women are everywhere and every year new ones are born. You can’t compete with that!
Not everyone (and this applies to men and women) is capable of loving just one person. How do you know if you’ve found someone who is faithful? It takes time. That’s what dating and discovery is for. The things that push our buttons – charm, seduction, attention, sex, popularity mean nothing and are in fact danger signals. They characterise someone who likes having his ego stroked. It can be hard for us to recognise this because WE like having our ego stroked too. FBGs are less obvious about it but wanting to “win” a man, pitching ourselves at “alpha” males, competing with other women, wanting a man to “come good” and “change” for us is about validation. I’m very sceptical about how much we actually like the men in question.
You may think you love him and are terribly fond of him but it’s more like you got something shiny, realised it was crap, but are still miffed that you can’t keep it.
I understand absolutely that many/most/all of us are carrying around a truckload of pain and baggage but that doesn’t mean that we will be automatically handed a golden relationship ticket as compensation. There is a journey and learning. It took me over five years but discovering BR certainly moved it along.
A lot of what you read in Nat’s books will make you think “Wut? That’s not me!” but it does sink in. When you have no hope, just believe and do what she suggests. Se if it doesn’t work out better than you could have imagined.
Stay single for the summer, take some time to breathe and get to know you. Read the blog and Nat’s books. Enjoy.
@grace
“…but it’s more like you got something shiny, realised it was crap, but are still miffed that you can’t keep it.”
Oh. My.God. OH MY GOD. I think I heard a 1000 bells ring in my head at the same time (ouch!).
That is gold, Grace. I needed to hear that. I have been wondering and wondering and then some more about WHY I have felt (and at moments even now feel) awful and hurt…and you put it in words. Its the frustration, sense of shame, anger, disbelief that followed because I couldnt ‘keep’ a moron of a man who was never good enough for me in the first place.
“You are so not worthy, such an idiot, couldnt even half match upto what I can bring to a relationship…yet I couldnt keep you..what does that say about me??” Funny how destructive the thoughts of a troubled mind can be! Lots more work to be done on the self-esteem and self-worth side of things. I am glad that is over, that he is over and done with.
Thanks a ton, grace
Ewan Marc Catz compared once these men to the Tin Man form “The Wizard of Oz”: shiny, glittery, but with no heart.
Uff, Thank you grace, that’s exactly whats going on with me. “You may think you love him and are terribly fond of him but it’s more like you got something shiny, realised it was crap, but are still miffed that you can’t keep it.” Its so true, but still…i cant help but miss him and affection.
(( so heartbroken and jealous he is with this girl, its making me cry just seeing it. Ill explain in a new post how last night went.
I’m in total disbelief that he didn’t want me, but now wants someone else instead, just like that.
How do we move on from from them moving on??
Wishing you love!
@ DeeDee
DEAR GOD! My heart goes out to you Deedee. That is awful. He is completely and utterly a jerk. Imagine this – someone like him who can bring such intense and unpleasant emotions from you in 2 months…do you really want to be with someone like this longer-term??
I agree with everything the others have had to say. Wise words. Im 28 so I dont have a life-time of experience and wisdom like the others here do. but I do have a few things that might help.
1. Definitely need to get rid of those friends. I think you are part of a crazy, wild, not so balanced bunch that you unfortunately cannot call on to be a real, proper friend. We dont realise it but selfish, nasty and superficial friends can lead us down the wrong path even if we never intend to go down that path. You deserve better but you need to make the right choices for yourself. Nothing more amazing than friends who are positive, supportive and healthy.
2. It is NOT silly that you are here after something you went thru for 2 months. Every single minute counts. Every teary session, every bit of pain you felt counts. I am here after having deal with an AC/EUM that I was with for just 1 month. But I know it hurts and I wont pretend or let anyone tell me that it doesnt matter.
3. Lot and lot of drama going on there girl! SO SO much drama. I think it would be highly beneficial if you spend time reading BR and figuring out why there is such strong drama. I am sure there is healing there to do from stuff that has happened in your past.
4. Stop dating for a bit. Just heal and spend time making new friends, new hobbies. Keep away from the alcohol…I think that alcohol will only lead down one path.
5. NC NC NC NC!!!! It will hurt like hell but cut of ALL contact (any and every form). This man is NO good. He thinks he can have every woman in this world – good for him but he has no quality or decency or dignity. Stay strong, come here, write to us about it when it is tough.
6. When you are back from that party, do something nice for yourself…a bath, a nice meal or even get your blanket and stay in bed. Give yourself kindness and love…forgiveness will follow (Im not very good at forgiving myself, so I wont comment on that aspect).
Good luck, stay strong, be kind to yourself. Cheers mate!
Thank you Purple Lily and all other wonderful ladies. The whole thing lasted 4 months in fact, 2 of dating, then I broke up with him, and then the rollercoaster of getting him back and him rejecting and resting me but trying to be friends, as if thats something he couldnt live without. Couldnt he see how unfair it was ??
This is how last night went.
He showed up at the pre drinks and dinner at a friends house. I was polite but extremely cold towards him. I felt kind of strong because my friend was there and because he didnt have his girlfriend with him. Him I can handle, but not my replacement..:( is making my stomach twist. But I knew she would be at the club later.
After having to listen to all his loud banter with our common friends and be the popular jerk that he is, I went into the other room for a short while. He follows, sits next to me and asks
EUM/AC “Are you still angry with me?”. I didnt reply first but he was clearly not going anywhere.
Me: “I dont understand why hes speaking to me”.
EUM/AC “Theres nothing stopping me from speaking to you”
Me: I AM STOPPING YOU from speaking to me
EUM/AC: This is unfair!? (looks like a victim)
Me: I am like this.
EUM/AC: I know, some people are like that, I cant change them, but i still want to understand why…
Me: I dont need to explain myself. You re an intelligent man, you understand
EUM/AC: Sarcasm or for real?
Me: I shrug my shoulders and leave the room with a triumph smile on my face
Later on he offered me a drink when I had lost my glass, lame attempt to be gallant. He provided me with a cigarette earlier too, before the convo, but its all his way to prove to everyone how good and caring he is. He s saving face.
That little conversation exhausted me, but found the energy to look pretty, go to the party, mingle with the so called friends, who kind of are superficial, but better than nothing, when you have to be there.
He did ignore me the rest of the evening, but I caught a glimpse of him passionately kissing his gf and even though I didnt blink then, now its eating me inside out. They left early together, after introducing her loudly to several people. WHY??? WHY her not me???? What does she have and I dont??
Im restarting to count NC days. So day one. In bed. Exhausted. How do I make the pain go away?
(
Any thoughts on why he could move on so quickly, how could you sleep with someone one week, and the another one the next?? Why does she deserve all the public affection that I never got?? He was always kind of skittish with PDA when with me..
deedee
My son’s father met his girlfriend when son was two months old and literally went from ringing me up at 1am and telling me how important I was to him to treating me like a rather embarrassing elderly relative in the space of 24 hours, so I say this in full awareness of how painful it all is:
But here goes – probably he decided one morning that he fancied having a ‘proper’ girlfriend, realised that it couldn’t be you – probably because he hadn’t treated you very well and was (somewhere in the recesses of his black soul) a little bit ashamed of it – and so went out and found someone nice and fresh and new that he could be a ‘proper’ boyfriend to.
BUT – here’s the kicker – who cares? He clearly doesn’t have very much awareness of either of you in terms of your actual factual personalities and as people. If fact, he’s probably too self-obsessed to see ANYONE as a person in their own right, rather than some bit-part player in the Drama ‘Of His Life. It’s all about the role that HE’S playing.
The fact that he’s ‘chosen’ this other girl and not you isn’t any sort of reflection on you. He isn’t God, he isn’t some mondo-objective judge there to give you a rating that determines how well you’ll do in life or how worthy you are of love. He’s just a bloke, and probably a bit of a messed-up one at that.
A man came up to me in church today and told me that God had told him that I was the one for him (eep! forgot about this aspect of church life – poor bloke has a lot of problems and so on), after a 5 minute conversation. What am I supposed to take from this? Am I more worthy because he thinks this? Less worthy, on account of he clearly has a lot of problems? OR, am I the same as I was, which is perfectly worthy thankyouverymuch, but probably (/definitely!) not right for him?
I know that being intimate with someone for two months is a bit more than a five minute chat, but the principles the same… he isn’t qualified to be any sort of judge of you and his opinion doesn’t matter. Try to separate the fact that you miss the intimacy/connection/attention (at what sounds like quite an upheavally time of your life) from the feelings of unworthiness. It wouldn’t matter if you were the best or the worst person in the world, he is who he is, he’s doing what he’s doing and quite frankly, he doesn’t sound like much of prize anyway. Wait for someone who’s interested in YOU, not in slotting you into some predetermined role in THEIR life.
I should add that what I’ve called ‘intimacy’ in the post above wasn’t, really. If he knew you for four months and in that time didn’t pick up that you’d be maybe a little bit upset when you broke up then he didn’t really know you at all.
Likewise, if you weren’t aware that he was capable of being so callous and disrespectful to your feelings (which he was, if only because he didn’t respect your clear desire not to talk to him) then you didn’t really know him.
Yoghurt
This is all so true, s spot on. Well said!
@Yoghurt
You are right. I am outraged at how poorly he thinks of me, or doesnt know me. Does he honestly expect me to be fine with his new relationship and just move on….
~If fact, he’s probably too self-obsessed to see ANYONE as a person in their own right, rather than some bit-part player in the Drama ‘Of His Life. ”
I really hope so.. i really hope its just him whos messed up, and not me whos not worthy..ehh i do sound a little bit pathetic i know, but ill be back on track soon. Day two and feelin kind of OK.
I have no words to express how grateful I am to you that you took the time to read, to process, to reply. you re saving a little lost soul.
deedee – ‘not worthy’ of what? Being the girlfriend of some bloke who is capable of being that totally unfeeling and immature towards ANYONE? Being the girlfriend of someone that you don’t even really like that much?
come on now.
(glad it helped, stick with it xx)
Good response, Yoghurt. I think one of the important things that BR really hammers home is that relationships aren’t about one person being “worthy” or “unworthy.” It’s about compatibility: two people who are able to make each other happy because they consistently meet one another’s needs.
Deedee, you and this guy are not a match. I know you feel rejected, but let’s be clear here: if you had stronger self esteem, YOU would have been the one to reject HIM. Because he is just not relationship material. As Fearless says, it’s very unlikely his new relationship will work either. This guy will have to do some *serious* work on himself if he ever hopes to be in an equitable relationship.
Don’t waste your time desiring his approval, because (1) you’ll almost assuredly never get it, and (2) even if you did, all it would mean is that you have the approval of someone with an incredibly shady character (is that actually admirable – or just “cool” according to highly superficial standards?)
Instead of living your anxieties, live your values. Figure out what your values are, and then assess YOURSELF according to how closely you live them, and begin making changes from there.
Good response right back atcha snowboard – you said it a lot more succinctly than I ever could. I may print this out and stick it to my wall
deedee
this guy does whatever crappy things he does because in his own words “There’s nothing stopping me…” (he applies that across the board!)
You told him you were “stopping him” but really you were not stopping him at all (and he’s not fooled) – you have continued to engage with him and because there’s nothing stopping him he has done whatever he likes.
Hard as it is, NC is the answer, and NC means No Contact – it doesn’t mean hang out at his or other folk’s pre clubbing drinks parties to be ‘cold but polite to him’ and to watch him show pony and snog his new bint (she will go the same way as you btw, in all likelihood). The man has told you he doesn’t want a relationship – if that is painful, which it clearly is (understandably), stay well away from him and stop torturing yourself by hanging around in his company.
(also, note for the future: it’s not a good idea to pour your heart and tears out to mutual ‘friends’ – they will talk about it – to him! If you need to talk, pick someone you trust who is ‘yours’ alone – not people he knows as well.)
Sorry you’re hurting. Good luck.
Fearless (what a nice name
Thank you for the tough love. i needed it. i know ive made plenty of mistakes. My shame alarms go off pretty often, but I just choose to ignore thinking that this guy is really worth an effort to understand. I forgot to mention that at some poin in the short conversation he called me IMMATURE
Im taking the good advice.No more torturing, no more hanging around, no more pouring my heart out to common friends. I am guilty of all these things but its over and done now. I found it very hard to not go to this party, and it was even harder to be there. I guess my pride wanted to show the world that im ok, I can laugh and look pretty and ignore him but that took a toll on me. Its genuine NC now, hope im strong to go through with it.
Thank you, Thank you.
You are all wonderful ladies with a sharp eye for identifying nonsense.
As therapy, I put down a few instances when alarms went off in my head and stupidly I chose to ignore them or minimise them or whatever. they are all lessons learned. maybe they help others too in this stinky situation im in.
1. He did not allow kissing in public. Always the cheeks. It burst my boundry because I want my man to be proud about me and passionate. When I complained he Smsed later accusing im a drama queen and that he cant wait to show me off to his brother
2. Didn’t care when I was destroyed by effort to cycle around the city as part of a fake-friends-date. He just carried on and expected me to. I laughed and shrugged it off but it burst a boundary. My man should care and be worried about me.
3. Didn’t care that I wanted to leave when he ignored me. I burst my boundry because I stayed (stupid supid stupid, threatening to leave and then staying, should have ran out that door like a bullet
4. Pressed the reset button instantly every single damn time
5. Never made a final decision about wanting to be with me or not, just stated that he doesn’t see us in 20 years. Did ultimately say NO NO NO
6. Never encouraged or admired anything about me. Not the cycling, not the bowling, not the spinning. Only clothes and my dancing.
However, dancing wasn’t even important to him. While to me it meant very much.
7. Always acted cold in the mornings after, rarely offering to see me home.
8. Rarely had heartfelt conversations about us or me. It was ONLY his activities, friends, job, material things that matter to him, never the ones that mattered to me. NOT ONCE did he ask a single question about my family. I ranted sometimes about them and was surprised at how little he cared.
9. Keeps busy. Has a need to surround himself with people: football, dinners at his house, improvised parties, tennis, basketball, spinning classes that he teaches a hobby plus a demanding job. He never has a second to himself and coplains about this. has his life set up in such a way that he s never alone.
10. An the last and worst, he s always giving other women a lot of attention. Food, drinks, conversation, favours, jacket offering, hysterical laughter that I never quite understood (I remember seeing one scene like this with his current gf a long time ago and it raised so many questions, now I see where it was going) he easily passes as generous but somehow, it rang fake to me. LESSON LEARNT. nobody is that resourceful and entertaining.
Assclown him and stupid me, right?
Darling DeeDee,
So proud of you for making a list (I did it too) and I realise all the things I had done to hurt me (and another list of all the amber – now I know they were red- flags I put aside as “definitely need to question him soon”).
I had the same sort of things – made me feel like I had to impress him (why, I am wonderful, why!?) and it was always about him and him and then some more. Im sorry to read about all the ways he broke your trust and belittled you. If for nothing else, you know that NO ONE in this world can belittle you, make you feel or treat you in a less than manner. Please know that we all make mistakes, we are not stupid as long as we learn from it and take that knowledge to build stronger, healthier us and relationships.
Please stay NC. I know it hurts thinking about his current GF, but trust me, she doesnt know what she has coming. Dont envy her. He is no prince at all. You are missing the affection and attention..but mainly because you rationed it/crumbs and now you want it more. You should have to fight and struggle for affection – no one should have to go thru THAT much.
You will get better, you will look back at it one day and smile
Be kind to yourself, you are precious and dont let any moron tell you/make you feel otherwise. ((Hugs))
Hugs back Purplelily!
( Anyway. Your words soothed me and put some things in perspective.
Totally NC. Day 2, feeling shaky but overall not dying like the days after the Ball, when they hooked up and i first started NC. Not going anywhere, focusing on stitching this torn up heart. I hate that girl, especially because I knew her before, an aquaintance, totally boring and unnatractive, I daresay the opposite of me. Maybe he likes being listened to by a sheep. She must be feeling like a queen right now, snatching a guy like that, the popular one
I am very proud I had the strength to turn my back on him, let him taste some rejection for a change. Last time he sees or hears from me. As for your question with the new guy, I would go for it, watch him around his friends and if u still dont have the spark, let it go. But my advice is really not the best in the world :s.
I seem to be in a strange sort of position..and I am definitely uncomfortable. I would like to hear what you think…
So I quit online dating right after exEUM broke up but there was a guy who had been texting me (had not met) prior to me getting together with EUM. Post-EUM, I made it very clear to the new guy that I was not looking for anything, I just want to work on me and I am trying to get stronger. He said he understood but kept trying to get me to catch up for a coffee.
Finally 2 weeks later gave up and caught up for a coffee. Seems like a nice guy but I really cant judge because everything is “under renovation” within my head and heart. I didnt feel any kind of attraction (usually a smile or a particular characteristic catches my attention and I take that home with me) but I dont know if its because Im not ready or…that I plain and simply am not into him.
I have constantly maintained (pre and post coffee) that I am NOT looking for anything, I am happy by myself but the next day he asked me for dinner. I said no thanks. The next week it was a movie at his place. I said no thanks. The text tonight is for coffee followed by “I really like your company
”. I dont know what to do…am I shallow and selfish for not giving this man a chance?
I just dont feel ready for it..maybe he IS a nice guy and maybe he isisnt EUM…but is it ok that I dont really want male-company at the moment? Not even as a new friend? Maybe I am judging him too soon, but I am scared and so very uncomfortable and Im trying to listen to that part of me while ignoring the nagging voice that says “But he might be the ONE, what if you are letting go of a perfect EAM? You have an awful track record with men..why are you saying no to someone that seems like a good guy?”.
UGH I just want me and myself. And my friends (my male friends are fine). I dont want a new man’s company in any form (just for a while). What should I do??
purpleLily,
i personally don’t think you should let him go…..stick to your boundaries, tell him up front the situation…keep it casual…you don’t have to see him every week ..purple lilly, i dont know when you broke up with your ex, ? if its fresh, then probably not, but if its been a few months. i think you should be open to knowing people…if anything you might make a lifelong friend and i dont see the harm in that…
purplelilly , i was reading earlier comments you made to me..i thank you…was i correct in reading that its been 6 weeks since the break up…..if so, then i understand your apprehension towards anyone new and your feelings are what they are….i do feel its important to socialise even if you don’t feel like rather than staying home. actually i’ve been doing too much staying home and not enough socialising….and my brain goes into overdrive thinking things… so at the moment i’ve changed and am going out when i can with friends for dinner…gosh, i even went to a vegan get together with my friend…didnt really want to go, but ended up having a good time…if anything i was out there in the world doing something and i felt good about it…even chatted to this man waiting in the queue (for free vegan food lol)
truthfully, i feel it will take you a while to even think about a relationship with anyone….but don’t let that stop you in the here and now from communicating with people and make your intentions know. “thanks, but at the moment, im not looking for any sort of relationship”….he will either understand or disappear which is fine either way…..
whatever choice you make…do it because its what you want to do. don’t apologise for how you feel and don’t start thinking he’s the one etc..he’s a man and you need to work on you….so at this stage don’t see him as anything important. technically he can’t be ‘one’ as you have all these issues to sort…so dont blame yourself when you’re healed thinking ‘if only i dated him’…if you date too early, you will end up making the same mistakes…
when you’re clear headed and healed , which will take time, only then can you be confident in developing any sort of relationship with anyone xx
I’d be careful! A nice guy would leave you alone if you tell him that you’re not ready / interested. He seems to actually like the rejections, the drama. That’s pure and simple alarm bells to me. He’s not listening to you. Also, keep listening to your guts!
Don’t worry, take your time. It’s OK to just want to be on your own. It took me a good six months before I started feeling a bit better.
Purple Lily,
“am I shallow and selfish for not giving this man a chance?”.
No, you are not, you have EVERY right to turn a person down, even if he’s a really nice guy. Just be firm, but don’t be mean to him. I don’t know the whole story, but from your comment, it seems like a guy who busts your boundaries. You said no several times, but he still insists. We often think a guy is interested if he pursues us. In fact, he cannot take a no as an answer, and doesn’t respect our choice. EUM often pursue us in the beginning. And if you tell/show them you’re in a phase of low self esteem/self love, they attack like a shark. It doesn’t mean that this guy is a jerk, but if your gut tells you to stop dating for awhile, listen to it.
There is no THE ONE. There are many opportunities for love for each and every one of us. So, if you “miss” a great guy, no big deal. When we are healing, it’s best to avoid dating, until we learn what our boundaries are. Until we learn what our values are, we cannot even recognize a good guy when we meet him.
Please don’t keep it “casual” (as Jasmine advices you), no one deserves to be treated “casually”. It’s exactly what emotinally unavailable people do. It shows that this person is emotionally fucked up and doesn’t know how to love and value another human being (or him/herself for that matter).
Hi PurpleLily,
I read your comment several times and I think I can articulate four responses. First, you seem to state several times that “I just want me and myself, I just don’t feel ready for it, I am NOT looking for anything.” I think one of the most important messages I’ve learned from Natalie and the wise BR ladies is: Listen to your gut. If you “don’t want a new man’s company in any form”, that sounds very clear to me and it’s okay. If you don’t want male company, including even coffee, listen to you. It really is okay and more than okay. It is just a date, not a marriage proposal, but if you are not ready for a date, end of. It’s okay.
Second, he ignored your first response by trying to “catch up for coffee”. I’m not real good at this yet, but you set a boundary and he persisted? Who knows whether he is a nice guy. If everything is “under renovation in your head”, it really doesn’t matter who he is. Take the time to focus on YOU, another wise BR message. Who are YOU?
Third, and maybe most importantly, he jumped from coffee to dinner to a movie at his place and then back to coffee? Ummm, what? Dinner at his place is very different than coffee at Starbucks or dinner out. See Natalie’s comments with respect to #4, #7, and #8 (and Cavewoman’s brilliant comment with regards to #7 guys). If you don’t want to get in that position, don’t.
Fourth, I understand he may be the ONE and the perfect EAM. However, if you are “scared and so very uncomfortable”, I’d listen to that nagging voice. Maybe you are saying no because you mean no and aren’t ready yet? I don’t know the guy from Adam so I can’t say whether he’s the ONE or a nice guy. For me, it’s a red flag when their idea of a second date is dinner at their place. He probably isn’t the last chance saloon. If you just want you and yourself, listen to you. It isn’t being shallow or selfish. It’s treating you with respect, self-care, and love.
PS. I’ve walked and I am walking in your shoes which is why I wanted to respond to you. There’s NO FIRE!
@ jasmine, tania, titi and runnergirl
Many thanks for taking the time to read about my little ‘problem’. I truly appreciate it. I am glad to read that you all feel the same way that I do – tell him that I am not ready because I need to work on me.
I think Ive always knows I was not ready for this. The morning of the day when I was meant to have coffee with him, I sat in bed crying because I was so scared of meeting a man so soon after. I tend to have intense emotional reactions – fear, sadness, anxiety and they ALWAYS convey something to me (if I listen, pre-BR I have ignored them as personal insecurity rather than gut).
Also, I am a communicator. When I like someone, friend or more, I like to keep in touch – quick texts every day, calling now and then. And when I feel no need to communicate, I know that I dont want to see or be friendly or date this person (Dont worry, I dont go communication-crazy, I send a text and let them get back to me whenever, no chasing or multiple texting. And when I feel its time for them to do a bit of work, I back off.). So this was another sign because I havent felt like initiating contact the past 3 weeks.
@ Jasmine : yes its been about 8 weeks since the breakup. It was a very short gig with him but very painful at the end because it was like being hit by a tornado. And I do go out with friends, Im out practically every weekend and love being out and doing things. Plus my hobbies keep me busy. I just dont want new male company, Im not ready to trust someone new.
@ titi : no, definitely not a casual person. Sex or relationship. It has to be very exclusive for me (I realised very quickly that casual does not make me happy). And I wouldnt want to ever treat someone like that. If I am not sure of someone, I tell them because they can go find someone who will cherish them more.
@ runnergirl : Thank you, I needed to know that it was indeed ok. I was scared that Im turning into some man-hating person! I just cant do it right now. I have so many other wonderful things in my life that is keeping me excited and I am happy with those. I reckon he is just trying everything he can and perhaps doesnt get why I dont even want to meet him as “just friends/hanging out”.
And with regards to “theres no fire!”, yes there doesnt seem to be…but Im not looking to feel a fire, just a gentle flow that leads me towards a man or leaves me thinking about him, leaves me smiling and wanting to hear from/contact him. Its never based on how he looks (I tend to like the uglier guys, hehe) but his personality. I believe that passion takes time, it takes opening your heart, listening to and knowing someone. Its never immediate.
It broke my heart when exEUM said he never felt the passion for me…but we had only known each other a few weeks, he never was in it or opened himself upto me and yet he made it feel like there was something lacking in ME….I dont want to treat any man this way. This is why I wondered if I was being shallow.
Thank you all, big hugs from me!