Between readers, friends, and family, I know a lot of people who are using dating sites, and aside from the whole coming up against the Cough Up A Shag Or The Dates That Weren’t Going To Materialise Anyway WIll Dry Up issue, it can be hard to deal with what feels like ‘rejection’ or ‘passing rejection’ and feeling ‘unattractive’ as well as the frustration of not meeting the type of people you feel that you ‘should’ meet.
One reader for instance, felt a bit bruised by the realisation that her profile had been looked at over ten thousand times since she’d been on the site. Now I don’t think she expected all ten thousand to get in touch, but she was disappointed that ‘only’ just over a hundred had. I’ve also heard a lot of stories of people finding people who match their ‘requirements’ who they cannot forge a relationship with.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Online dating isn’t for the faint hearted or those without a reasonable level of self-esteem, some Columbo skills and their feet firmly in reality. If you use online dating to collect attention to bolster your wavering self-esteem, to avoid ‘rejection rejection’ in the real world because you feel ‘safer’ at home, and find it easy to feel connected to someone by seeing a few things that you like, you’ll get your virtual tippy tapping fingers burned.
I think of dating sites like people supermarkets.
From behind a screen or mobile device, you can browse the aisles and filter by your whims and shopping list of requirements. The computer says that you can search this way so now it’s as if we seem to think that if the computer says YES, then no matter how convoluted and contradictory some of the things we want may be, or how someone may be good on virtual paper but not in reality, we expect what we want and expect to materialise.
People browse dating sites to pass time, to look for their next Fast Forwarding opportunity (it could be hours, a day, several days, weeks, or even months) and yes to look for a relationship. Let me assure you – I’ve read and heard enough horror stories to know that while the profile provides you with some information, you won’t know what someone wants and who they are until you’ve experienced them over time. There’s no point going “But they said…”. It’s like when you have a person’s resume / CV – you’ve got to do the due diligence. You’re not going to give a job based on CV alone!
People unfold. Yes, even virtual ones.
The likelihood is that if someone’s skimming through lots of profiles, they’ll likely click when something catches their eye. They might click through on the profile, see something that does or doesn’t resonate and either respond or move on. The key is not to read any great meaning into a click or a wink or a message. It’s an expression of potential interest just like when someone asks for your number, it’s not a contract or an automatic precursor to love.
In ‘olden times’, you had to leave your house, or be set up, look in the back of the newspaper/magazine or use a dating agency. Now, if you’re married and enjoy dogging (getting laid in car parks I’m told) and want to meet someone behind your spouses back, you can locate someone with a few clicks. Or you can just pretend to be single… If you want to exaggerate who you are, you’re free to do as you like. If you want to showboat like there’s a relationship on offer and keep it to emails, sexts, texts and a bit of Skyping, you can find someone who is used to crumbs of attention and you can have them there as your backup ‘relationship’ (albeit a fantasy one) while you have other relationships.
On dating sites, there’s no ‘judgment’ from your family and peers about being superficial, or selecting a financial bracket, or choosing them because they’re holding a cat while two kids hover nearby. You can make a thousand assumptions about the person before you’ve even met. If they look how you want them to look and you’re sold on words and imagery, you may be excited and full of hope based on reading a profile.
Some people will roam the ‘aisles’, browsing aimlessly and possibly reaching out and collecting attention aimlessly. Let’s be real, whether it’s on or offline, a lot of people 1) don’t know what they want or 2) think that they do but then realise later that they want different or that they don’t know or 3) overestimate their capacity for a relationship or 4) just don’t know how to be ‘alone’.
Some will head straight to a particular aisle and narrow down their search and then read a few profiles and possibly select one or several to reach out to, possibly to increase their ‘hit rate’. Really, their reasons could be anything which is why there’s no point trying to get in their mind. I looked at several tomato ketchups recently. I chose an organic glass bottled one with a nice label. There’s nothing to say that it was going to taste great or that in those few moments that I made a judgment about any of the others. I just chose a ketchup based on my tastes at that moment.
Really, someone not clicking on your profile or reaching out isn’t a ‘judgment’ of you. If they’ve got to narrow their options, where is the judgment in that? It doesn’t mean that you’re ‘unattractive’. It’s not the dating version of X-Factor.
You have to treat online dating the way that any company or brand with an email newsletter list has to. They’re not going to send an email newsletter and expect every single person to open it, read, click and respond. In fact, the industry rate is 1-2%. Obviously there are things that can be done to optimise these ‘campaigns’ and increase interaction but with regards to online dating, people’s responses to imagery, words, and filters can be a tad unpredictable. You can ensure that you have a well written profile with a good (truthful but flattering) picture that you’re specific in what you’re looking for and that you in turn focus your search on people who have similar profiles and are values focused, but until you meet in reality, you have to reserve judgement and reign in your libido and imagination. Really.
People can use words and photographs to portray themselves and their lives in any way that they like. We’ve been subjected to this with advertising for many years so we really shouldn’t be that surprised that it happens on dating sites. They’re there to ‘showcase’ ‘single’ (depending on what type of site it is) humans and facilitate ‘connections’ and ‘introductions’ but now that sites are so prolific and the barrier to entry is so low, you have to expect that it will take time and reality.
It doesn’t matter whether it’s on or offline, you still have to take your time and go through the discovery phase.
However the whole virtual aspect means that you have to do more ‘balancing’ of the imagination books because your job is to reconcile preconceptions based on initial virtual interactions with your actual experience of that person. If there’s too much imagination and words and not enough human contact, you may become invested in something and someone that doesn’t exist.
Basically you have to keep it real about getting virtual and accept that if you’re going to use dating sites, you’ll have to ‘work through’ a lot more people and dates as well as accepting that the superficial element, the browsing etc come with the territory. You have to accept that it will take time and that it’s not an instant result. You probably need to accept that you’ll come across someone that misrepresents themselves and you just have to flush hard when you recognise it. Take it as a given that you’ll meet people sniffing around for sex. If you struggle with disappointment and rejection, steer clear. You also have to keep assumptions to an absolute minimum other than if they act shady and have contradictory information or behaviour, FLUSH. Hard. Don’t forget: People still meet face-to-face.
Your thoughts?
PS Does anyone else find it fascinating that so many people use the filters yet many don’t use it for distance?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Runnergirl
Unfortunately it is indeed them on the mototcycle or ATV (all terrain vermin )and looking like a leather clad beached whale. And what part of “I am not interested in any form of motorized recreation ” did you not understand? I don’t know whazzup with the dead fish pics either, nor the dead elk/deer pics. I have gotten a number of beautifully written profiles with a pic of a nice, distinguished guy only to get emails back from them that appear to be written by a kindergartener. I too am an educator, which is clearly stated in my profile. What really frosts my behind is that some realtionship blogs state that kickass chicks such as you and I are supposed to dumb down, lower our expectations, and accept these dudes. Yep, we should write a book about our experiences, it would be a hoot!
Yes, they cannot write, most of them. My first language is Portuguese, Im in Brazil. I despair of the Portuguese I see these guys trying to write. They also get very scared when they realize I know English and say that im too much for them!!!! Talk about excuses. One said he knew English and when he realized that I knew it as well he disappeared.
Most of the guys I talk online tend to be in manual professions, what in itself is no problem, but they cannot hold a conversation and cannot write or express their thoughts properly. Talk turns to sex very quickly and when I mention Id like to talk about books and plays they just disappear. I have met hundreds of guys like that online and I dont know where the intelectuals and educated are, possibly taking care of their wifes and jobs.
Miskwa and lygia,
Ladies you made me laugh. Dead elk? No way. Maybe it is due to the geography. Most folks don’t hunt elk in So Cal, thank god. But I’ve never seen so many dead fish in my life.
lygia, I get responses from guys saying I’m stunning but I seem out of their league but they just wanted me to know. Huh? What am I supposed to say? If they say you are too much for them, you probably are! If a guy tells you you are too much for them or out of their league, LISTEN! And lygia, careful about assumptions about intellectuals. The exMM is a brilliant lawyer, great politician, English lit major, well read, could write extremely well, and could talk your ear off about anything. I was blinded by lots of things, including his intelligence, dreamy good looks, his jeans, and his hair. However, he wasn’t home taking care of his wife and kids. He was having an affair…with me.
Oh well, its fun meeting all kinds of folks. Not so sure about the dead elk guys though. Sorry Miskwa.
I’ve never been a fan of online dating and don’t think I’ll ever do it, to be honest. This gives me even more reason to stay away from it. Thanks.
When this conversation started I was playing with the idea of getting off Match. The idea made me anxious because I was beginning to feel like I was giving up.
Today I decided to stay on. Match is just a way of staying the in game when I am so busy with my business. I feel more relaxed and less stressed by the dating process since I have this back up tool.
I looked over the list of men who have viewed me and not contacted me. I observed two things:
First, the guys thought I was attractive enough to check out Second, despite my looks the guys were correct that we were not a match.
I am hoping that lightening will strike and I don’t feel so isolated. I have choices. And for that I am appreciative. My boundaries are in place.
@Lotus you have to look past the beautiful veneers because there is truth behind every fake smile. My last online Dating EUM had such beautiful teeth and a gorgeous smile yet he was Mr. Jekyle and Dr. Hyde.
I can now look back and reflect with a sense happiness and peace. 5 months post op NC today. Happiness that I am now aware of all the red flags that so failed at overlooking and peace that passes all understanding to grasp it all. God gave me that.
My failed to SEE’s were clearly there in BOLD.
He had a child from an ex which was adamant that he was not over her. I don’t have any and I would never date a man with kids. Conflict will always be there; and with my first born I would never want to share that attention with any baby moma. So clearly should have been a DISMISS for him the moment he contacted me online.
He had a huge porn and gaming addiction.
Workaholic until he lost his job 2 days before he drove 10 hours to see me with his daughter. They got a free trip basically minus him footing the bill for his hotel. Great southern hospitality from my fam oh and he got a good free meal.
Not a very great communicator which he professed to me in the beginning. He communicated mostly by TEXT and a hermit by phone.
A big time SEXTER…. Sexting was a turn on for him everyday. The only way he could seem to get a “BONER”. Something that was totally uncomfortable for me but I went along with it.
Frequent drinking binges after work with his buddies from WORK cause he didn’t have any REAL LIFE friends.
No spiritually or real Committment to God;no effort in attending church; just professed to be an faithful Bible Reader. A wolve in Sheeps clothing basically.
You can’t have on rosé colored glasses going on theses dating sites. Be sure to take those off first ladies and proceed with DOUBLE CAUTION: oh and make sure you read between the lines and the fine print too.
Dear God Awakened, there is no way in hell that some good teeth and great smile could cover up his issues, right? Huge porn and gaming addiction…? Sexter? Drinking binges? Whoo Nelly, there’s a flusher despite his great teeth. In my book, the kid would be way down on the reason to flush list. Hopefully you’ve blocked and flushed twice. ICK!
Oh my! It’s the weekend, so lots of free time to contemplate life, I woke up thinking for the umpteenth time of trying online dating. I opened the curtains, made coffee and thought of the future, could this change my life? Then I got to the computer, started the checklist and the profile, & stopped myself with an uncomfortable gut feeling. I googled the customer reviews for match.com, has any one done this before? These are over 2,000 recent opinions, not just in the US. http://www.edatereview.com/081001displayreviews.aspx
Anon,
Whoa! That was goosebump scary in my opinion. The reviews I read by men made me feel like I was a female commodity, not a human. Yikes. Good people do go to dating sites, but I bet they are a needle in the haystack to find.
Here’s an experience I had with online dating. I filled out a profile, and ended up getting TONS of responses. I am not THAT great looking. I mean, a ton, from lots of gorgeous guys lots of charm, compliments, flattery. I began to chat with one or two, and I quickly found out that I had not noticed the boxes I’d checked for “What I was looking for.” Well, all of them went checked, including “Casual Sex.” I quickly went back and unchecked that box. Guess what–not one response after that. Not one! No charm, no flattery, no hey baby, nothin’. Dry as a desert. Nuff said.
Hey Roz, so sorry but great story regarding online dating. I made a similar mistake early on and didn’t realize I could screen out by age. I’m 5frigging3, and kept getting responses from 20-somethings. I have a 23 yro daughter and there is no way in hell I’m going to bring home a guy who is my daughter’s age. Nothing at all against 20-something guys. They are totally cute but…! Opps on checking the “Casual Sex” box. Yup, nuff said if that is NOT what you want. You may want to revise your profile and recheck the boxes.
i am on an online dating service. i have mixed feelings about it. i did meet the ex EUM on it. however, reading pretty much all articles on BR, plus the dreamer and fbg books, i am so much wiser now.
i started talking with what seemed to be a nice man, and then tonight, i found out he split up with his wife 3 years ago and is still living with her in the same house. i had total flashbacks of the ex EUM who was in slightly similar situation. if i ever heard an alarm bell, i heard it tonight. followed by the soothing sounds of a mental FLUSH!!!
thank you nat!
I have used online dating sites – main one being eharmony and have been messed about by every single guy on there.
The 1st wanted to offer me his mobile no. After the first email, which I thought was way to lapse as I could have been a psycho. I shut him off.
The 2nd and I built up a great rapport of 6wks – before we had even met. Huge mistake as when we met for the first date it was incredibly awkward to begin with. I am a forgiving lady and would have been willing to try a 2nd date as I believe that after being out of the dating circuit for ages, it usually takes the 2nd date (max) to decide of you really like a person. However, it messed me about again. After telling me how sexy and gorgeous I was on the night of the date as I was returning home, he went cold turkey on me for a number of days. I found myself texting him to get a defined idea of where we stood, only to get told that he wasn’t interested by text.
So I learnt that it is important to meet the person asap after the first few emails otherwise preconceptions based on electronic mail are inevitable.
3rd time lucky – or so I thought. Really not my usual type – but he appeared to be ok on screen. We communicated a few times via secure email then he emailed to ask if we could start talking via phone. Fantastic. Progress at last. Made each other giggle. All good. Couldn’t find a decent hour to meet up as due to my acting schedule on a weekend and weekday evenings and his normal working hours Mon-Friday and hectic schedule, no time. So I went over to his house for our first meeting after a long rehearsal schedule (DO NOT FOLLOW THIS EXAMPLE – BEGINNINGS OF BOOTIE CALL).
Needless to say pur first meeting was – passionate without the full scale hog. The following weekend it all failed on the physical department and between a wedding and two funerals (one wedding and funeral his side and one funeral my side) he had gone from supposedly liking me enough to take himself off of eharmony (or so I thought) and deciding.that the other girl he dated before me wasn’t his type to deciding that I wasn’t his type, dating and wanting to be with someone else and my having to find out – again through texting his quite self that he no longer wanted to date me. Yes, you guessed it – via text.
Ok, so so far I have learned A. No preconceptions about person PRIOR to meeting them in reality B. Talk to person via phone after first few emails. C. Meet person within certain time period of communicating via email D. No Bootie Calls E. Take time to get to know person
Ok – so with all this in mind I move on to most recent guy. So back on Eharmony (after re-instating my profile after indecisive 3rd guy) and there has been just over two months since last guy. I have been contacted by a few people but none of their profiles click with me. I then check the eharmomy notes and suggestions – apparently my distance filters are too restrictive and I may increase my chances if I expand distance. I do this and what do you know? My responses increase 3 fault. 1 guy – an Irish norm.but bristol based chap contacts me and I contact a gorgeous looking (still non typical for my type) , cheeky but interesting seeming guy called David.
Alex Wise, I’m online and I wouldn’t in my weakest moments agree to meet at a stranger’s house no matter how much we connected via text/email. Nor would I invite a perfect online stranger into my house. I’m not judging you or anybody else. I just want to get this on the record: It’s not only the onset of a bootie call but it could be dangerous. Be CAREFUL.
Personally, I cannot do 6 weeks or 6 months of only online communication. I’m only up for about 6 email exchanges maximum. If there is no face-to-face, I’m not interested. Period. Lots of online guys may like to envision how cool they are online and may be able to carry off a totally cool online facade. So, I’m an in-person-online person. That weeds out a ton of the totally cool online dudes. Yeah, once they gotta own up to their goods, it gets a little dicey.
Hey Runner girl,
Completely shreds with what you said, hence lesson learned. I am way to trusting which is my problem. Last guy (or most recent guy) was met under completely safety circumstances. I think it is because I use to modelling, where some photographers would get really funny if you bought an entourage with you so instead it was about checking in with people (ie. Mates/Families via text/phonecalls).
Most of the photographers were legit…..anyhow, in this case I did let a my friend know where I was and I was lucky that he was a douche and not a psycho BUT no, it is not something that I would be doing again. Also, by August, with last guy, I had learnt plenty more (like someone else on here said you can get a better idea of who is purely out for sex and who is talking sh1te – well sometimes). I met the last guy in london and we went for coffee, around Covent gardens etc. So yeah.
Runner Girl,
I didn’t mean do six weeks/6 months worth of communication before meeting up – although I ended up doing about that cos of my schedule at the time (between filming, auditioning) and his schedule where he was away for how many weekends.
What I meant is, where sex is concerned (I call it the cookie – saw this film.which is based on.an actual book written by Steve Harvey – I will be investing in the book myself), unless you plan on having something casual, it is best to make the person wait for it and earn it – Steve Harvey refers to it as the “90 day rule” (there are other things that need to happen (or not happen) within that 90 day something I learnt from effectively putting myself out their as a Bootie Call with the 3rd guy (which was in-intentional due to my acting schedule).
I know many people talk have talked about not being able to do long distance etc. However, that isn’t necessarily applicable in all cases. I am trying to establish my acting career (I have been acting on/off since I was 13) and after graduating in 2004 from uni with an English degree and trying to work and not being happy with what I was doing I audition for a part time acting course and spent two years re training up. I have given myself 18months to get to a level where I want to be – as in 18 months I will be in my 30s but still have time to effectively kick start my career in another direction (HR, preferably within the arts and then some). My motto is that your 20s are for trying things and your 30s are for settling down and establishing yourself. My point is, with acting being how it is, I will more than likely end up in a long distance relationship of some sort whether I want to or not, because of where my work may take me. To become established, you have to be willing to put in the work. I NEVER lie to people about who I am/where I am at/what I am about. It does amaze me that there are those (like the last one) that appear to shake their like a puppy wagging its tail, in agreement with everthing your saying and supposedly support what you are doing but when the reality sets in, they want to shove the same said information in your face.
I got told the my dreams were effectively a waste of time and he had a hissy fit because I couldn’t tell him where I was Going To Be in 6 months. He didn’t ask me where I Wanted To Be in 6 months nor did he share and express where he Wanted To Be In 6 months. No one can know 100% where they are GOING TO BE in 6 months. A friend of mine was laughing and giggling with me this time last year. 3 months later, she was burying her mate who had been knocked down by a car at the age 20. 3 months after that, I attended the same giggly mate’s funeral who I had seen alive and kicking not 3 wks before. Her Sickle Cell & Thallsemia conditions got her in the end and due to the hospital not paying proper attention to what would be a minor infection in generally well abled person, my friend went into crisis due to her conditions and her organs shut down. I never knew she was sick (most of us didn’t know) because she never allowed her illnesses to dictate her life. She literally lived each day like it was her last. She certainly never knew that her family and friends would be burying her at 21. She knew it was a higher possibility, but she didn’t know for definite.
Point is, I honestly believe that after dating at around 6wks (at anytime even) asking someone where they are Going To Be is an unrealistic question as no one really knows. I felt like I had been condemned for not being able to answer this question and also that it was very onesided.
Also he was a coward. I told him this. Anyone that allows a 5yr phone relationship that they had with someone halfway across the other side of the world to influnce them 18months later with a potential relationship with someone nowhere near as far away, quite clearly isn’t ready.
I’ve just heard of this site and I think I will like it a lot. Sometimes, as a person who feels as if there’s no one left to date, and that my chances for love are nil, just scrolling profiles or getting a message no matter how sleazy it is (once someone sent me his phone number and no other words), makes me feel better. Like maybe all these people are shit but at least there’s single or presumable single people, in the world still and I probably won’t be left alone forever.
Great advice. Meeting in person is always the deciding factor. Cheers.
Met a complete jerk last week that was sooooooooooo good online and a lovely guy personally that wasnt very interesting online, the appearances really deceive on those sites. The jerk wanted sex straight away,( no no ), was defensive, was a bit insane, I think.I let him bring me home and he came back next day to sit in his car outside my house and watch my movements and ask the neighbours what I do and if I meet people! Never been so scared.
The good guy was a bit boring but I warmed a lot to him during the date, he told me how lovely I was, we had a great time together and agreed about a second date, only for him to disappear on me and tell me by email that …er…no, he wasnt interested.
At the moment Im trying to find the delete buttom on POF to delete my profile there and still talking to two guys on other site, one that disappeared for months and is back in my life (the other girl didnt want him I suppose) and a good kind guy who is not my type at all. Arrrrrrrrghhhhh Had enough
I can’t begin to explain how much your articles hit the nail on the head. True eye openers for me!