When you break up with someone, there’s the ‘dreaded’ pain that follows along with white space opening up where you thought you had a shared future. There’s likely a delayed reaction and it may take a day or few, or even a week before it hits you full force that it’s over. In the days, weeks, and possibly months that follow, you have to face the loss and your feelings about it so that you can pave the way to a different and hopefully better relationship. From Day Zero of your breakup, in the seconds, minutes, hours, and then days and weeks that pass, you, by way of your actions and mentality, have an opportunity to limit the amount of pain that you experience.
The limitation doesn’t happen due to you avoiding your feelings or trying to have your ex on some terms rather than no terms; it’s directly influenced by:
1) Whether you accept that the relationship is over and validate the reasons for it..even if you don’t like them.
2) How much you let your life spiral. The more it derails, the more things you have to deal with.
3) How soon you start to nurture you and allow the present to infiltrate your life – The happier you are with other areas of your life has a huge impact. If there’s problems with work, family, or even a current separation, you’re likely to attempt to avoid another problem or loss to deal with, to give yourself an illusion of control.
4) How much you blame and even punish you – if you absorb all of the blame, you are guaranteed an immense amount of pain. Don’t engage in blame – engage in honest responsibility and accountability.
5) How much access you provide to your ex, including type of contact you have and the frequency, sleeping together, ego stroking, lending money or trying to get it back, trying to get back even the most piffling of possessions etc. Less access, less pain.
6) Whether you internalise the breakup and make a judgement about you, which in turn negatively affects your self-esteem. Overcoming a breakup is hugely dependent on your self-esteem – you either need to have it, or you need to use the breakup as an opportunity to start developing it. Chasing someone down will not give you self-esteem – it will break it.
7) Whether you become trapped in and blinded by your feelings. If you do things that you later view as at best embarrassing and at their worst humiliating, you may feel compelled to return to the relationship to justify your actions, which will actually only make things worse.
8) How much time and energy is spent trying to have an illusion of control by tracking them on Facebook, Twitter, dating sites, or tapping up colleagues and mutual friends for info. Cut this stuff off – it’s like torture.
9) How much you occupy your life and how you cope with boredom, off days, conflict with other people – coming to a standstill, not having productive uses for your mind and time to reduce rumination, being unable to deal with the inevitable bad days and weeks that everyone has, and not being able to handle criticism and conflict, are often enough to trigger a fall off the wagon. Learn how to deal with these and you won’t try to self-soothe on your pain source.
10) Whether you’re still dealing with old losses and hurts that you’ve been avoiding by bouncing from relationship to relationship. If you have, you’ll find that breakups reopen old wounds and because they appear to be similar (they’re not – each experience is unique), you’ll react to the old hurts and what you feel is more messaging, instead of dealing with the current situation.
What all of these factors tell you, is that while you can’t control or change the fact that the relationship has ended or that you’re going to experience some pain, discomfort, and change, what you can control is how much more pain you experience as a result of what you choose to heap onto the experience.
Breakups are a bit like having a bonfire.
If you date, live, and love with your self-esteem in tow, while you’ll still be hurt after a breakup and it’ll take a while to get over it, all that is on the fire is that relationship. You have your memories, maybe some possessions that you keep back, but that part of your life is over – you don’t allow them to have an inflated amount of space in your mind or in your life by letting them or you keep a foothold.
You watch the fire burn for a while, weep, wail, eat your weight in brie, chocolate, and ice-cream or lose your appetite, spend a bit too much time in bed, pull a few sickies with work or take a well needed break, spend more time with your family/friends, try not to think about the relationship too much but then sometimes have conversations with yourself, and sometimes you have a damn good cry in the toilet cubicle at work and then have to leave when someone comes up in and does a #2 and you’re forced to leave or choke. Maybe you meet your ex for a last chat or for a catch up or to give back keys and life gradually starts to move on. The fire isn’t roaring and it’s beginning to burn down to its embers. In time, it will go out. Sometimes you don’t realise that it’s gone out until you look up from enjoying your life.
That is of course, unless you just won’t let the fire die because you keep throwing stuff on there to reignite it and fan the flames.
When your breakup bonfire starts, it’s actually catching on to the embers that you’ve been stoking from previous breakups and experiences – you’re already in pain and now you have even more pain. You keep thinking that the way to stop the pain is to get the validation you want – unfortunately, it just ends up creating further experiences to add on to the fire. Sometimes, it’s like you’re throwing fat or petrol on there.
Just as the embers are going out, you panic that the embers are going out and how it means that you’ll need to have a new purpose and focus on you, so you throw some stuff on it like a text, email, drunken phone call or showing up at the bar where they hang, and you feel better temporarily. You may feel so angry with yourself and may even be carrying anger towards others, that you throw open your proverbial storage shed and bring out blame and shame that you rescued from previous fires and throw that on there as well, which just adds even more pain.
Eventually you have to realise that if you want it to stop, that you’ve got to stop trying to keep the fire alive, stop trying to change the nature of the fire, and let it burn out so that you can face you, your present and your future.
You need to be helping you, not setting yourself back. It’s one thing if you give someone a second chance especially when it’s grounded in sound judgement, but it’s another thing when you keep returning to the same painful situation again and again and again, because you won’t let it burn and give your ego the opportunity to cope with and come out the other side. The more you keep going back, is the more it will feel like Day 5 or 10 or 30 even though months or even years have gone by.
Let it burn – I now have that Usher song stuck in my head.
Grieve the loss of your relationships and let them go. It doesn’t mean that you erase all memories both good and bad, but what it does mean, is that you say goodbye to that chapter of your life so you can say hello to the next one.
Your thoughts?
Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Natalie and all,
This post brought up so many memories. In my 20-somethings with my first exH (a geologist), we did a ton of camping trips throughout the US. It was always nice to settle in by the warm camp fire at the end of the day while sipping tequila and sharing stories about the day’s adventures on the hiking trail. Inevitably, we’d all get to talking and suddenly somebody would notice the fire was burning out. Then there was a panic moment, where we’d run around trying to find something to throw on the fire to make it burn bright, hot, and make us all comfy again. Eventually, the fire burned out and we had to go to bed.
I broke up with my ex of 10 years about 3/4 years ago, he was a lovely kind guy when I met him, but was lazy, happy to just plod a long and for me to look after him, he just didn’t have the same ambitions as me and couldn’t give me what I wanted. He was made redundant and for a year made no effort to get a job. We broke up quite a few times, and admittedly I was scared of being on my own which is why I didn’t end it 9 years sooner. I did start to enjoy attention from other men, and at that point decided it was time to finally break it off after a number of failed attempts. A few months later I started to see someone and somehow the ex found out, I’m not sure exactly how he discovered I was seeing someone but he then started to stalk me on facebook, managed to change my password and get access to my account. He also stalked me at my home. He would turn up unannounced, phone, text, email me constantly. Vandalised my car 3 times. Very scarey stuff. Word of warning delete them from facebook and if they know any of your passwords, change them immediately, he knew the password to my email account which is how he managed to get access to my facebook, by requesting a new facebook password. If anyone starts to give you hassle after a break up tell everyone, your friends, family, get support immediately, contact the police and don’t e a victim. My latest AC really peeved me off and I so wanted to vent some anger at him, tell him what he did that hurt me, but after going through the above horror for 6 months, I wouldn’t dream of getting in touch again. It will take me a while to trust someone again and that’s not a bad thing.
I’m really struggling. The thought of him meeting and marrying a “newbie” again is destroying me. He cant get back with his ex wife. She’s moved on in the 12 years they’ve been apart and remarried and refuses to have anything to do with him. So if he is to “move on” he will move on with someone brand new.
I keep thinking as I broke up with him 2 months ago and only stopped speaking to him a week ago that any day in the next few weeks I will find out that he is married to someone out the blue. And worst still she is expecting.
He moved 3 weeks ago and said he moved in with a guy mate. I doubt that very much. So Im guessing whoever this person is, is who he will march up the aisle. She will be the opposite to me. She will be a unemployed, dole bludging chav. Sorry but she will. Thats what his ex wife was. She will probably smoke drugs like he does too (even though I managed to get him off that while I was with him).
I KNOW good riddance. I know he deserves whatever. I know I deserve better. Im not sad about not having him in a way (although I am after all these years). Im sad that he came back after 20 years just to break my heart again with no other purpose it so seems.
The last time I physically saw him in Jan when we were still together I knew he was distant and something was up. I felt like that would be the last time I saw him. And it turned out to be so.
Anyone got any ideas on HOW to want someone else? I just dont know HOW to want someone else. I’ve not been through loads of s**tty relationships. I just always only wanted him. And he obv just wanted me to be his yoyo girl, his fallback girl, his effin PENPAL by the end. I KNOW he’s “just not that special” but he was my beautiful boy from the age of 10 and I cant seem to let go of that. I need my hypnotherapy…
Early
I say this to you loud and clear and bluntly:
He is not your beautiful boy.
“Beautiful boy” is on of my buzz phrases too, and as soon as it popped into my head with the crush I worked damn hard to get it out and to deal with REALITY. You are in fantasy lala land.
The solution is not someone else. You’re refusing to deal with your own problems and prefer “someone else” to come along and fix it.
The only someone else who matters is you.
Yes, I had an ex too reappear after 20 years. It seems so romantic, it isn’t. It’s garbage.
Counselling may do you more good than hypnotherapy.
This manboy is not the answer and you need to give that up.
Quit contacting him and stalking him. Stop the madness.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-an-assclown/
Dont know if my ex is an AC or EUM or both. He did all of the things on the above link though with the exception of leaving me (this time round) and being with other women (that I know of). GOD.
EarlyMorning, it doesn’t really matter in which of the two categories (AC/EUM) you put him, what matters here is that your “relationship” is toxic for you. It’s not about love, it’s about your obsession and his (as well as yours) boredom/unavailability. You will move the moment you REALLY feel you deserve love, care and respect. You cannot really notice other men, because you are so freakin’ focused on the dumbass. The solution is in focusing on *you*, not him. You two have been trying to work it out for the past T W E N T Y years, and it didn’t work out. For God’s sake, move on with your life.
titi
“You will move the moment you REALLY feel you deserve love, care and respect”
This strikes a chord with me. It’s so true. I spent years trying to convince the ex arse-man that I deserved love, care and respect, but it was only when I REALLY came to understand for myself that I actually, really DID deserve love, care and respect (and that this was not just ‘theoretical’!) that I was then able to see that the relationshit actually had to stop (whether I liked it or not). It had to stop, and not because I had failed to convince him that I deserved love, care and respect but because I realised that I had been trying to convince the WRONG person – the person who needed to really get that I DID deserve love, care and respect was ME.
If it hadn’t been for Natalie Lue and BR, I’d most likely still be laying myself out like a doormat trying to convince HIM of what I deserved while not believing it myself! Believe.
nice to have you back Fearless! x
Cheers Lizzie. I am never too far away. Still reading. I will always read Natalie – she is so right on the money. And when you get it – you really get it. We all (or mostly, I think) start off on BR thinking that our guy and our relationship is different. They’re not. Same trouble. Same bonfire. Same solution. Take care!
I’ve missed you Fearless! ((((big squeezy hugs))))
Aw! Thanks Natalie! Hugs too right back to you xx
Exactly!
I totally get you. But I can assure you, for each one of us who is willing to stand by ourselves, there is this particular, enlightening moment. You take a look at your EU/AUM and ask yourself: “why do I keep putting up with this crap? Am I really that desperate to beg this ugly/stupid/evil/____fill-in-the-blanks______ emotionally challenged man to love me?”. Just prior to me going NC, my ex EU sociopath, had told me something like: “I’m sorry, I just don’t know how to show how much I love you and care for you”. I started to laugh, and actually asked him PLEASE NOT to love me. Geez, who would want a screwed guy/gal like that to love her/him. Thanks god they don’t love us, it actually means we deserve a way too better then those nutcases:).
@ Amanda. U are handling yr situation really well but just one thing (IMHO) I. disagree with abt MM or MW who hav affairs. Such ppl do not ‘love’ the OM or OW as by definition real love is not dishonest. The OW. or OM may feel it is so, & perhaps it is but for the one willfully deceiving a significant other, I (with deepest respect) beg to differ. All the best & hang in there.
Thanks… I know. Rationally, I can understand this, when I take a step back and look at the sum of the MM’s actions. For all the times that he declared he loved me, there is the infinite greater times that he was simply absent from my life. Ignoring me, claiming that he had to be a Dad and a Husband 99.9% of the time. That hurts. Let us not forget the lies that he told me, his wife and his other lovers (and himself) so that he could keep up his act. There are times when I understand this, and there are times that I don’t. And while I claim that there is love, I see that its a “love” on the MM’s part that comes from fear, selfishness, and confusion. He wants something desperately from the OW or the OM, and it can feel like love. You, the OM or the OW, get a glimpse into that scared, confused person’s soul. That sounds melodramatic, but it is a very powerful experience, and one that you do not forget. It is a painful way to brush up against humanity, but it is nevertheless real.
ie it may be love for the OW or OM who is single & not betraying a sig other but cheaters cheating is not love. That’s just using (often nieve or vulnerable) others for their own selfish ends.
Excerpt from one of Natalies other pages: “To be fair, if you’re the Buffer, the Transitional likely recognises that on and off paper, you’re a great catch so they want to keep you as an option should they ever get their shit together. They’re afraid of making a mistake in letting you go and are afraid that if they do, someone else will snap you up. So they hedge their bets. On your time.”
This is what I became.
And thanks for the 2 replies. Really helped my esteem so thanks.
Who needs him giving me s**t when strangers can do that for me!
And yes maybe Im obsessed rather than in love.
But i wasnt the one who effin tracked HIM down after 20 years. I was minding my own effin business. I didnt try and find him AT ALL IN 20 YEARS. He tracked me down. And spent 6 years doing it.
I’ve so had enough of this life.
Early Morning,I think sometimes people’s recognition of a poor situation comes out the wrong way. When you’re in it yourself you can’t see it but they’re horrified at a situation that you should be horrified at.
I’m sorry for your loss. I know it may seem like things would have been oh so different if you hadn’t lost your babies, but you’d just be in another bad situation with him. Address your grief – you talk about yourself and this man in the past which means you’re talking about a relationship that’s over and living in the past. You need to grow up your image of him – he’s not the boy you once knew. That’s not because he didn’t have the benefit of your love; it’s because he has his own problems and own agenda. If I had his problems and I had to find one person who still held me in the same esteem as 20 years ago, I’d look you up too. He chose his ‘mark’ well.
Don’t give up on yourself. Remember that people say what they say based on what you present. You may love this man but you don’t love the real him. You also love a man who wouldn’t be a good husband or father. He’s not even a very nice person. Let him go. Sometimes you can’t help who you fall in love with but you can help who you choose to *keep* loving. Letting him go doesn’t mean that you let go of the love you felt for the babies that never came to be. You need grief counselling and you also need to take a very active part in the letting him out of your mind. Even hypnotherapy needs a level of mental consent from you and it is not instantaneous.
thanks Natalie.
I am taking on board what you’re saying. And thank you for what you said about my children. Noones ever pointed that out to me. Perhaps that is why I held on to the “love” through 20 years of absence. I cant let them go either. But I can let him go and not them you say. That makes sense. It upset me that he refused to even talk to me about them when he came back. He said it “upset” him too much to talk about them. I think he didnt give a monkeys about them like he supposedly does with his alive children because theyre not alive. He didnt even speak to me about them when it happened 22 years ago (“cant talk about things that really hurt me” yeah right) so dont know why I expected different now. Its not important to him.
I need to let it go. He always wanted to be a dad, from very young. I felt by losing them I let him down. I felt I lost him by losing them. In retrospect it wouldnt have made a jot of difference, albeit I may have got the ring and the aisle. I wouldnt have got the love and respect.
thank you Natalie. I will try to not give up on myself. x
I’ve just had 5 texts in 30 mins from him late tonight. Its been 9 days of NC since I told him I hated him and wouldnt ever let him back in my life. Its upset me, angered me, made me laugh, made me worry. I dont know what to make of them. Please help constructively someone:
text 1) rambling on about about loving me more than I’d ever know since the 1st day he laid eyes on me. Saying he thought I didnt want him and thats why he married his ex wife and not me. If I want to wash my hands of him thats fine but he wont stop loving me. and PS: he hopes whoever the stuck up c**t who I work with that I want treats me ok .
(erm there is no man at my work, or any way for him to think/know such a thing – he has purely made that up for whatever reason!).
text 2) “Hes in such a bad place atm. Dont cut him out of my life he will do anything! He really needs me. he will come to see me but he needs to know that we will be there for each other first. Please dont leave me, one more chance, dont cut me out, sorry yadda yadda.”
text 3) “thats it then i will always love you”.
text 4) “I will never give up hope. u have commitments with your daughter until 2013 then we will live together and be happy and have our children ” (that one REALLY PISSED me off because of my miscarriage of our babies 22 years ago). “Pls dont keep blanking my texts. I will never stop loving you etc.”
text 5) “Im not gonna give up I do love you.”
Yes you can say change my number. Will he just turn up? Or will it just be lazy texting whenever he feels low? He’s obv in a panic thinking I now mean what I say. I know NC is the way to go but somethings telling me he may contact me more with NC on my part than when I was willing to speak to him. Will it end up with him coming down? Should I be worried? Or will he get bored eventually?
It’s just texts Early Morning. Texts. More like “Remember the milk” instead of bullshit declaration territory. 22 years and a bunch of texts is pathetic. I’d have had a sliver more of respect if he’d picked up the phone. Cut him off, don’t engage, get grief counselling and professional support. You must have a very neglected life and sense of self if his crumbs look like effort.
Also, you need to help yourself constructively.
I totally agree with this post. Went NC. Haven’t missed him yet. Actually enjoying being without him. But what does it mean when you ex moves into the house right NEXT DOOR and then proceeds to poison every plant in your garden when you’re at work, comes out every time I check the mailbox to abuse me, when I take the garbage bins out to the street, he’s there – alternating between begging to take him back and calling me the most awful names I’ve ever heard for ignoring him completely.
And then he proceeds to parade a string of women through the house in an attempt to make me jealous?? If I had any regard for his opinion, we’d still be together, but why does he insist on doing this?? He treated me terribly for a LOT of years and when I did grow enough back bone to leave, this is the treatment I get?? It makes it impossible to move on. I don’t know what to do to get RID of the AC. HELP!!!
Get the police involved. This is harrassement – try keep a journal noting his actions and times/dates, and when you have got about a week’s worth, visit your local police station and make a complaint against him. This narcissist will probably try to escalate things as you are ignoring him, and thus your safety is paramount. Stay safe hun xx
Hate Being Stalked, been there-he is making it his sole purpose to keep you from moving on, and then once he gets you- (or not)! his purpose is to destroy you. Your ex is not just a regular jerk AC, he is a sociopath, and his behavior is escalating, your problems are now bigger than the scope of this blog. Get on Lovefraud.com and contact the resources (law/socialworkers/therapist/victims) who have been through this.
Sigh. I wish I could leave or move away. I’m paying a mortgage on this place. He’s renting next door. I’ve complained to his landlord about his behavior. I’ve contacted the police. They say it’s a civil matter, so out of their hands until something ‘real’ happens. Maybe I should just rent my place out and go somewhere else. But I bought this place because I love it and I love the neighborhood.
Honestly, we were together 8 years. I wasn’t happy throughout most of it. It took me a long time to get up enough courage to leave. Now that I’ve done it, he’s turned into a psycho. I hide in my house every day in fear of what he’ll do next. It’s impossible to move on and move forward like this. I just want him to grow up and move on with his life – somewhere else. But that’s probably not going to happen any time soon is it?
We actually do stoke our own fires of misery, don’t we? I can see that I have, and many testimonials by commenters here shown a lot more of the same. It is madness!
Your articles do help, Natalie. I am still not entirely free from my obsession, but I have taken the first and most important step in realizing that HE is not the problem, I am. He was simply the vehicle I chose to prove my worth – and isn’t it clear now? – I can see that in fact I was choosing to prove exactly how worthless I am. I’ve jumped off that rail now, I really have.
I am committed to putting my focus on me and having the love and respect that I want and indeed deserve. I’ll never stop thanking you for an incredible service to us fallback girls. No more now!
@Heather
I hear ya! I too live in a town where the single men in my age range have serious issues with drug/alcohol abuse, domestic violence, and attitudes toward women that appear to date from 1950. Couple that with the fact that the town has a really bad (and deserved) reputation as being a trashy place and travel to/from here is a hazardous undertaking in winter. I too have a great job but still owe lots on my mortgage and help out my remaining parent. All of us older, educated, women here have the same issue. Some leave, some settle for the locals and eventually get burned, and some have become incredibly bitter. Guys are willing to come from Australia to visit me but not from Denver or Boulder, less than 100 miles away. Heather, first, can you leave? Some places just do not work out man-wise. You cannot fix broken people, broken towns. I intend to bail when I am 60, leave teaching for good, and farm full time back home. Have you tried the on line thing? You have to wade through a bunch of #$%@ and keep your spidey senses always alert but you may at least get a few men who share your values. If the men where you are are truly ACs, do not settle, youll just wind up dealing with some of those relationship bonfires that keep flaring up because your AC is close by if you are in a small town.
Speaking of bonfires, whaddya do if its the AC that keeps putting wood on the coals? Been diligent about keeping NC with my at work problem man and he just does not get it. Nope, we cannot go back to where we were pre non- relationship. We are no longer even friends, no, I do not want you to help with my promotion, no, I will not orchestrate social gatherings anymore, no, you will not be on committees that you know I am already on and no, you are not going to help me fix up my house. Do these guys need to be validated so badly? Do they soooo need to make themselves seem so much better than they actually are? The one year mark of the end of two years of dishonesty is in June. I intend to go back to the town where he asked me to go out of town with him then told the hotel clerk to give his room key to another woman about half an hour later not knowing I was standing right behind him. I am going to symbolically take back the town, put down tobacco at the places we were (purification), go to the shops that I have been avoiding for the past year.
One of the immensely damaging features of 21st century media is that it insistently (and effectively) communicates to millions of women that complicated relationships are a sign of a complex mind, sophistication, urban life, in short modernity. Conversely, all relationships that are simple, stable, predictable (rooted in mutual love, care, trust and respect) are made to look plebeian.
Think ‘Closer’ or even ‘Sex and the City’ as they sell Assclowns and Mr. Unavalables for living walking ‘Lord Byrons’. As Hollywood capitalizes on stretching the seasons of glam-coated New-York-Gucci-shoes-and-girlfriends soaps, millions of women in audience internalize Mr. Big’s disappearances and midnight booty-calls as part of the oh-so-complicated life of sophisticated people in big cities.
(The trick is that healthy, stable relationships make for very boring TV series.
Tolstoy wrote something very curious in the first line of ‘Anna Karenina’:
“All happy families are happy in the same way, all unhappy families are unhappy for a different reason.” Drama is marketable, roller-coasters are sexy, unpredictable, it makes up for best of TV series, books, newspaper columns, poems. But it makes life miserable.)
I am recently out of a very painful relationship with a someone much older than myself, a man of extraordinary intellectual capacity, an academic (points to those who guessed the student-prof cliche), a proud bachelor and self-absorbed narcissistic AC. After a headfirst dive into whirlwind romance, the status quo, future faking, disappearance, Outrageous behavior, Me-me-me talk were *all* there. But more importantly: he made me doubt myself and invalidate my feelings that came from his mistreatment. He made me think that a relationship between two highly educated people can *only* be a ‘complicated’ one – which meant all of the above-mentioned practices.
I will soon celebrate 1 month in NC and on the way to healthy relationships. Ladies, I take my hat off before Natalie for injecting daily doses of sober common sense into (I’m afraid) a generation of young women who grow up watching that it is O.K .to be mistreated by AC’s and Unavailables.
That’s a really perceptive point.
I was reading an interview or something with an actress or somebody at the dentist’s recently, and there was a line that said “There’s always going to be a will-they-won’t-they relationship involved, because they-will! relationships just aren’t very interesting to watch.
I’ve had enough of will-we-won’t-we relationships (no, apparently we never will). I want a nice good supportive I-will-me-too relationship next, thanks
ANC I disagree with Tolstoy but I agree with the rest of your comment. I think HAPPY relationships have a uniqueness to them; you show your real self, you bloom. The two of you grow in intimacy and, like trees entwining, make something special that only you two can make.
Whereas EU is all the same rubbish – hot, cold, will-he, won’t he, now he’s here, now he’s gone, now he’s let you down again, now you’re chasing him, now you’re crying, NOW THE FLIPPIN TEXTS. It’s boring. I get that it makes for fun tv for an hour and a half but, no, I don’t want it in my life anymore.
Amen Grace.
Well said ANC. Congratulations on one month NC. I hate to say, but I think for all the work done and the advances for women in todays society, we are sliding backwards a little. I agree that young girls are still getting bad messages. I recently heard a male TV anchor man who was called out by his female co anchor for a blatant sexist statement on air, say to her, “Looks like someone took their Gloria Steinem vitamins this morning.” Wow. Does anyone else find that appalling?
I am so glad I found this site. Natalie, you have been an absolute saviour. I’ve been in an on-off relationship with an AC for around 8 years with someone who was a work colleague of mine 20 years ago. We’ve spent more time off than on and the straw that broke the camel’s back( after years of hot/cold evasive non-committal narcissistic behaviour and excuses) was when he said ” I know you’ll always be there for me”. There hasn’t been a morning when I haven’t woken up without him being the first thing that popped into my mind. Total obsession. It’s been hard, I am a month into NC (managed 6 months before) – it’s like “cold turkey” – but the difference is that now I’ve found this site and I’ve seen and read everyone else’s experiences I realise that it’s not me , it’s him. I’ve finally worked out all the “hot buttons” he pressed and the tricks he uses to keep me coming back. Every women he comes into contact with he affects negatively ( ex wife who is sadly an alcoholic and has tried to commit suicide twice ). Seeing that I am not unique in this experience has really helped me understand that it’s not about me, and has helped me focus on myself, build up my self esteem and importantly to start to realise that there is someone out there who might actually have the capacity to love me without all the messing around and distance. However, I think it will be a while before I am on the straight and narrow and focussed on the future for good. We attract what we give out so we need to believe in ourselves as worthy of love and love and be happy with ourselves first without a man to validate us. Good luck everyone x
It’s interesting to me to read your comment, Kitty, because above I commented, concluding that the problem is inside me, not him, and here you conclude the opposite. Also, my EUM told me “I know you’ll dump me, but I’ll never leave you.” (In our FWB relationship.) Yours told you that he knows you’ll always be there.
What I’m thinking is that although we appear to be in opposite positions, in fact it may just be variations on the same theme. People – men and women – can be very cagey in relationships. Our guys just needed to keep us close (and available!), and each chose his strategy. Bottom line: does he show love and respect? And if not, what are we doing here?
Let’s move on together!
New York Girl…very interesting. This looks like this is partly about the battle as to who is in control of the relationship. Either way it’s not balanced and healthy at all for either of us and we need to focus on a future that looks different. It’s out there!
Kitty,
You were 50% of the problem!
Until you recognize your complicity in this relationship, you are susceptible to returning to this fool, or getting involved with another AC.
Address your issues and completely understand why you allowed yourself to be mistreated and disrespected.
Yep Allison, it is good to have a reminder every so often that I do have issues myself to address. I hope I am on my way in doing that (fingers crossed). Interestingly in the past I have been totally EU myself… makes me think ….
Yes Kitty! Before I found out my ex-AC was married, he used to say that he doesn’t chase women down. For some reason, that resonated with me and I quietly filed it away in the fore front of my mind! Things started to get crappy with him ‘needing space’ and other rubbish, and I came upon this wonderful site. When the s%#t hit the fan, I immediately started NC and on the difficult days when I feel weak, I remember that ‘he doesn’t chase women down.’ LOL! He doesn’t chase them down cause they’re busy chasing him. Not me! He has texted me several times over the last month of strict NC and I haven’t answered one time. Nope. Imagine texting me during the long Easter weekend wishing me Happy Easter! I am not being mean when I say that I feel terrible for the woman who married him. I am happy that I got away, but NO woman deserves to be cheated on. SMH!
Lisa Lise, Keep strong and sit on your hands… Put your phone in a freezer bag and put it in the bottom of the freezer. Whatever it takes to break free. He clearly has no respect for any woman in his life.
again this was a post that reminded me about a lot of things.
I havent been on here in a while, but still kept reading
All these posts of Nathalie have helped me more then my therapist did.
I left that now, cause it didnt do me any good.
Why i left the therapist, is probably cause i am finding my identity again, trusting my my judgement more and holding to my boundaries.
This might sound a bit weird relating to a therapist, but as in Nathalies post about the wedding dress. It reminded me so much about a lot of things, at the end i said sorry no this i dont agree with and left.
So how did it come to this:
- she was trying to tell me i should work half time only as a mother
- she thinks the right man, is someone “who will do” as in not great but yeah can put up with him
- she didnt want to answer my question about why she thinks that living without a father is harmful for kids (asked her 5 times!)
- then for justification for all this she said yes but you had 2 horrible relationships, so this is what you should want, someone who will do!
So this raised all kinds of flags for me.
I am not letting myself be bullyed into something i dont want.
I am not gonna live, someone elses dream.
I am not gonna trust and believe things for which there is no plausible evidence, even of a therapist.
So thanks Nathalie, i think i have come a long way, still further to go.
The AC also seams to have turned into a stalker
so by
This post really hits home. After going back and forth for too long and telling him all about himself and how his treatment hurt me repeatedly and even going NC for a few months, he threw a stack of logs on the fire and I sucked it and saw yet again. I finally did get it though and have been NC for about a month now for good. He’s tried to fan the flame with some texts but I’m well and truly letting the fire burn itself out. I know he isn’t done trying to reignite it but I’m not giving him any more oxygen.
What I see now is that when he came back he had no intention of anything more than keeping me as an option. Again. He didn’t want to be in a relationship with me as we had been before the last year plus of flip flapping but he didn’t want to lose his fallback girl either. So, his behavior was devaluing and made me feel insecure and brought out the worst in me which, of course, reaffirmed his position that he could treat me as less than… I was an untenable Catch 22 situation that I could take myself out of and did.
I’m much better able to focus on me and my life this time than I was last time I cut contact. I’m remembering the bad acts more than the benefits and working through my disappointment and anger. I’m concentrating on my work and joining and going to new events and Meetups. I am and look much older than last time I was out there dating but, on the plus side, I now know that I was EU and probably even a bit of an AC myself before. Probably why I connected with my Ex EU AC and engaged in the drama for so long. When I’m ready to put myself out there again, I will be EA and have my hard-earned knowledge, self esteem and all the wisdom I’ve gained here with me.
FX hope I can to get to the place where you are . Can’t completely do the NC as we have children and a shared home all will time to sort. Just trying to focus on me and my needs and have minimum contact.
Enjoyed your journey
Thanks Lon. I am a lot further along than I was when I found BR but I know I still have a way to go. I read everything here and still went back and sucked and saw again! But, the knowledge I had gained here made his behavior even less tolerable because I couldn’t lie to myself so easily anymore. I knew I had been demoted from a priority to an option. I had to let go once and for all even without a net and save myself.
Please read and re-read everything here and NML’s books, too. You will learn so much about doing the right things for yourself to give you strength and help you heal. And, there is also a lot of information for people who have to continue some type of contact with their exes as you do. I really feel for you. Your progress may not be linear but you will be OK if you continue to keep your needs, self-esteem and boundaries in focus and do what is right for you and, therefore, your children’s well-being and happiness. I know it’s devastating now but it can and will get better.
@ early morning. Im so sorry for your terrible loss. NML is wise to suggest grief counselling. I hope you or your community has the resources to give yourself that gift. Otherwise, except for your miscarriages, you are telling my story.In my case though my xAC was still with someone else unbnownst to me when he came back. As soon as I learned this, I cut him off (although it took some time for me to stop sending angry & then alternating kind, emails. The final email was totally deviod of emotion either way & explained my position clearly which is that he is never to contact me again – no matter what. Needless to say I’m aiming for doing the same). I note that yr x had drug issues. So did mine. At the end I did a bit of checking up on mine & it was only after discovering a bunch of stuff that had been deliberately hidden from me that I moved from love to disgust & finally replusion. I too, thought why come back after 20 yrs just to jerk me around? I’ve never married & wanted to have his child. I was devestated when he had a child with his next partner after me when we were younger. Now, that I have the facts, I’m deeply grateful not to have had a child to my xAC. I have one adultchild already (25 yo & I am 42 yo) & choosing his father most unwisely (because I was such a young Mum & medical reasons were behind the decision to go ahead w an accidental pregnancy which I would have gone ahead with otherwise – as much as Iove my Son) is the single biggest mistake of my entire life. It has caused me a world of pain even to this day. As such maybe Grace is right. Whether he’s EUM or an AC doesn’t matter. He sounds like he doesn’t have the staying power to be a good father to children if you had them with him & the last thing you want is to be forever tied through parental status to someone who doesn’t treat you well. There are good reasons his ex wife left him & cut him off completely. Probably the same reasons you too would experience if you threw your marriage / family plans with someone not worthy of you. Hang in there & be kind to yourself. You deserve much better. x
This advice works on other levels aswell – in work situations or with friendships. The bit about self esteem and whta you give out you get back plus never ever chase anybody theyaren’t that great, they aren’t special sorry but they have one a hole and are ass clowns (hope thats not offensive). Once you break that bit you realise dont get hooked on breadcrumbsd that they leave you. A woman who respects herself will get a man who does that fo rher as wel!!!! Some of this advidce applies to working and other relationships/friendships. Its great and got me oon the road to recovery from an ex boyfriend who was ‘not a nice person, callous in fact’ !!! I blocked him from fb after a year and 5 months, I still felt I couldn’t do it before then. In fact after reading one of natalie’s posts about the harems on facebook, I well and truly blocked this man who keeps changing his profile photo because he’s an AC and not even truly intelligent!!!!
Your emails more often than not coincide with poignant events related to the AC. It has been six months since I ended a four year trainwreck relationship with him (he wouldn’t divorce his wife and she didn’t know about me so c’est la vie I cut him loose). I have been on antidepressants since June last year because I allowed him to control our relationship and what was and wasn’t allowed. My sense of worth and self esteem had left the building and I was an empty shell. Each day from June to October last year was like standing in the background and watching myself get stronger, wiser and stand up for myself. This in itself caused a huge amount of tension between us as I started to push back and not accept his old tricks and behaviours, eventually this is how it ended, I just said the words one day and walked away. However! He keeps popping his head up and does exactly what you decribe he will do and I sometimes react just as suggest I would. It always seems to be around a time that I am feeling good, positive, alive…..is it the universe testing me to see if I have learnt my lesson once and for all. I hope so, and I am committed to keeping him out, limting the access and letting the fire die. It was just about out but one last lot of junk got thrown on over the weekend, but I think thats OK, sometimes you need to clear out the storage facility and have a good burn up so you move forward without it. I love your blogs, don’t stop!
Despite having met and moved in with a wonderfully available drama-free man, I recognise that part of me is still stinging from my last break-up. There are no feelings of love, barely even like, but I still succombed to curiosity and peeked at the exes YouTube channel. What I saw sent me reeling and I have spent the last week feeling as though I’d been dumped again. I’m in a stable, loving, healthy relationship with a man I see a happy future with but my ‘embers’ from the last chap are still there in my subconscious. I feel dismayed that seeing what I saw affected me in the way it has and that it has diverted my attention from the present. I won’t be peeking again, its just not worth it. I obviously still have issues which I am aware of and working through. It’s not about the ex, its about me. I’m lucky enough to have chosen the right path for me now but looking at the past reminds me of who I was when I was getting it wrong. Got to shed old skin and keep moving forward. Love and strength to all.
xx
Ps..Nat, you are psychic. I was going to send you a private message re this topic and the next day you wrote this post! Any advice on next weeks lottery numbers?
Natalie your book NC is a revelation.
Having been in a emotionally unavailable relationship 4 10yrs it all came to heated end when I found out he started seeing another.
Prior this I had telling him 4 years that we weren’t working I tried desperately to get him to understand what was wrong and make some minor changes mainly to do with time. He was always busy ever wanted to do anything with e or the children. I became a real nag always trying to change things he just listened but never followed anything through or made any attempts to make life easier.
I have gone through absolute shock of finding out he cheated,to confronting the girl over phone, to threatening him, to fighting with him, to begging him to come back and now I’m calm trying to cope and trying to remember why I didn’t want the relationship in first place.
all this in the last 8weeks.
Hat has hurt me is the very things I asked him for whilst in relationship that he was so resistant to ie spending time cooking the odd meal. He has now started to show me he can. I Just don’t Get It. He states he is trying to be there for me doesn’t want to see me upset. HElp
Lon, I’m not saying this is what’s going on in your life since I can’t know but this post may be helpful. It was and still is very useful for me.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-they-come-back-claiming-that-theyve-changed-but-have-they/
I was seeing an EUM, MM (didn’t have a clue until it was too late), AC for 2 years. Last week, I found out that he was married the hard way. His wife showed up at my door! Here I was stunned, not knowing who this deranged, checking -my-mailbox , woman was … then it clicked when she said her name. Long story short, I went through 2 miscarriages, hot-cold, love you, love you not behavior, and because his wife found out, I was dumped. I am devistated and dying inside to think that I believed everything, which turned out to be one big lie. Since being dumped, I decided NC is the best way to go. He’s tried to contact me, and it is hell to stay away … it’s difficult to let go of someone you loved (or believed you loved). I know now that I was in love with a mask of a person; not the real deal, but it doesn’t make the pain go away. I die inside anytime I see anything remotely close to our discussions, good-times, etc. Please help me find my way, I’m broken emotionally, physically and spiritually. Any support would be appreciated. Please remember, the AC lied about being married, so no judgements please!!! Thanks
This article definitely resonates with me.
I was completely in love with my boyfriend of over a year. He was my first love. One weekend I went away to attend an admit weekend for a graduate program I wanted to attend. I had a job and a boyfriend in a different state, so I had to seriously contemplate actually going to graduate school.
Upon my arrival back, I met up with my boyfriend and on the steps of my apartment building, he handed me my extra keys and a check saying that he did not want to do long distance for three years (I had no inkling this was going to happen). He simply was not in love with me, nor did he think we were compatible as we fought all of the time. He was unhappy and was going to stay unhappy. Thus, we should not be together. This is the man who not only a month earlier said that the past year with me was the happiest of his life. Additionally, he had told me how we would definitely get through the long distance and how he had our 5 year anniversary on his calendar.
The check was to pay me back for his birthday gifts that I got him two weeks earlier. I tore it up in his face. He was also kind enough to move everything out of my apartment, do my dishes, wash my clothes, and buy me cake and chocolates while I was away. He moved his stuff he said so he didn’t have to see me glaring at him. He said that he knew that I would be sad, so he wanted to make sure I had something sweet to eat. Although we should not be together, he still cared about me. He said this but while crying, he just stared coldly at me.
Left crying and hyperventilating in my studio apartment, I tried to accept that the love of my life no longer wanted me. After all this was my first love who always said how much he loved me and just wanted me to be happy.
A week later, I decided to text him to get back my guest gym pass. I sent him a simple text saying, “Please send me my gym pass. Thanks.” Of course, I got no response. I truly wondered if I would ever see that pass again.
About a week later, I received the pass in the mail with a torn note. I half expected the note to say some form of “sorry.” I was obviously deluded. He had simply scribbled on the note, “Give me back my massage book, pair of blue scissors, and anything else that I left there.” Remembered he had moved everything out behind my back.
This happened 5 weeks ago and I have been NC…