I regularly receive emails that are along the lines of what Barbara, 41, recently sent me :
“You are absolutely right in everything that you say about these men and the relationships that result but you don’t understand what it’s like. It feels like all the good men have just disappeared or been snapped up and I’ve been left with the sh*t! Guys my own age or older have big ego’s and want to date younger women than me.
I want to meet someone on my level. Whilst I get approached by younger guys, they’re not what I want and some of them play the silly games that the older guys do! I’m pretty sure that it’s because I’m really successful and don’t appear to be some sort of damsel in distress why the guys I like don’t want me and most of the guys have several traits that suggest they’re emotionally unavailable. And don’t get me started on online dating! I have to use dating sites because you meet a lot more guys that way, but I am yet to meet someone who isn’t a liar, a cheat, or constantly trying to hook up with lots of women. I’m destined to be alone!”
Now I wouldn’t even begin to bullsh*t you and say that dating is easy and that meeting men is a walk in the park, but there are so many things wrong with this tale of woe that it’s no wonder Barbara and many other women like her are spending too much time with chumps.
1. Negative mindset – your beliefs and mindset feed your behaviour and there’s a definite resigned attitude
2. Reliance on online dating. Nobody has to use dating sites!
3. She’s not attracted to the guys who are interested in her and she feels attracted to the guys who are not attracted to her (this in itself should set off some alarm bells).
4. Focusing on the wrong things such as ‘age’ and how successful she is and how it must be scaring off men.
For a start, it’s such a broad sweeping, negative statement to say that all the good men are gone, or the age old lament of ‘there are no good men to date’. Yes, good guys do get snapped up, but plenty don’t and the reason why Barbara is not involved with ‘good’ guys is because they’re not the ones that she’s attracted to and even if she does meet a ‘good’ guy, she’s not likely to recognise it, or even if she does, she’ll over-intellectualise it and decide he’s not that great because he’s not the right age, financial, or educational profile, or whatever other criteria she has for someone who is ‘on her level’.
We tend to attract and are attracted to people that reflect what we believe about love, relationships, and ourselves. To actually go out there and date with such negative ideas about men is a recipe for dating disaster because you will go out there with your back up, expecting something bad to happen, and lo and behold it will, because you’ll gravitate to situations that reflect your beliefs.
The reason why women say that there are no good men to date – they let themselves off the hook to continue their pattern of behaviour. It gives them a reason to believe that they don’t have to change.
It’s easier to say ‘there are no good men to date’ because it let’s us continue to focus on ‘them’ as the problem rather than look a little closer to home and deal with the things we can actually influence.
I believe there are no good men to date so this means that my options are assclowns and Mr Unavailables and this is why I continue to be with them because there’s nothing better out there for me and it’ what I’m attracted to anyway. It’s too hard to change myself at this stage. The decent guys will probably be snapped up by a better, younger woman. Even if I did meet a decent guy tomorrow, it wouldn’t last. He’d probably go off me…
And so the negative train of thought continues…
Barbara, like a lot of the emails I receive, sounds resigned as if ‘hey ho, this is my fate, I have no control over this’ and being resigned to being involved with dodgy men is like throwing yourself at the mercy of wolves. I asked Barbara what she’s been doing differently to meet men, both in terms of going out there and also in terms of herself. In essence, nothing had changed and she has a pretty routine life and hasn’t actually tried anything new other than “I’m trying to avoid getting sexually intimate in the first few dates to see if that makes a difference” but she spends the bulk of her time dating online and goes to the same places, doing the same things, meeting the same ‘ole people.
Nothing much is changing around her and part of this comes from not feeling she has a reason to change or that the problems are all about ‘them’.
If you stay in the same mode, getting the same results, but continuing to expect something different to happen, it’s like waiting for a man to fall out of the sky and land in your lap.
If you don’t adapt your relationship habits and expectations, you’re assuming that their way is ‘wrong’ and your way is ‘right’ and that your efforts effectively come down to finding someone to resonate with that ‘rightness’. But if you put your energies in people and relationships that offer the least likely opportunities for success, it suggests that you do need to adapt in order to get a different result and that your way is not ‘right’.
There are plenty of good men to date. I’m not saying that they’re low hanging fruit but they’re out there and the reality is that if you’re used to looking for love in all the wrong places and have poor beliefs and unhealthy love habits, love and even a semi decent guy doesn’t live in those places. Pain, confusion, ambiguity, and men that don’t have a relationship or treating women with love, care, trust, and respect on their agenda is what resides in those places.
If you’ve been, for instance, dating assclowns and Mr Unavailables and in fact, have a consistent pattern of dating them, it will seem that they’re all that’s out there but this is a skewed vision. It’s a bit like being a drug addict, going to the same hangouts, being around the same people and temptations and saying that all you meet are drug dealers and users.
What we think is around us reflects what we vibrate. When I was emotionally unavailable myself, commitment-phobic with low self-esteem, I could not seem to avoid meeting dodgy men. They approached me randomly, they were all I seemed to see in the places that I went. Funny, as soon as I started changing my ways, the incidences of meeting them started shrinking and that was even before I met the boyf.
There are good men to date just as there are good women to date – make sure you know what good looks like before you go writing off its existence.
Back in part two where I look at the online dating and the issue of the troublesome older guys. Part three and Part four are also published now.
Your thoughts? Do you think there’s no good men to date?
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NML,
Lately, you seem to always know what’s going on in my head and appropriately write a topic about that very issue! As usual, great post.
I agree with you about needing to change habits and routines around in order to obtain different results…but my question is, in practical terms, what do you mean when you speak about “changing your ways”?
I’m trying to get out there and put myself in different environments and meet “new” types of people but I am just not meeting single men, full stop. Sigh… I know, I know, I need to work through things inside because something I believe is creating my reality….
There are so many single “good” men out there that it is ridonculous. In fact, a lot of those same good nice guys have to resort to silly things like learning seduction just to figure out how to have a normal dating life. It really frustrates me when I hear these statements that there are no good men left; there are tons of them. The only problem is that the women making these statements aren’t being congruent with what they say they want and what they actually want.
.-= Matt Savage´s last blog ..Attraction Triangle Game Theory =-.
Ugh! I’ve met some good guys but just wasn’t physically attracted to them. I’ve tried….. Just went on a date with a man after speaking with him several hours over the phone. Great chemistry…until we met. He’s into me but …heavy sigh. I know I’ve let some good ones go to follow the spark. It leads me to I settle? Try to fall in love with them? I feel like I’ve already lowered my standards way below what I really want. It a good man who I’m attracted to too much to ask?
What i don’t get is the “looking for love” mindset. If you think you ‘need’ a man, you’re just focusing on the lack of one in your life.
I would say get some good introspective books and do some inventory, one’s own psyche is fascinating! Start doing things that make you feel happy and get companionship from your friends, or pets. And go get a really good showerhead 😀
There’s so much more to life than a mutually exclusive relationship. I know, it’s a BIGGIE, but, most of us have HAD them, and they were fun, and chances are pretty good you’ll bump into another one at some point, so why not enjoy the time alone?
ps. love the word ridonculous (@Matt) it’s my word of the month haha
Love your blog and it has honestly helped to change my life via no contact rule etc.
I am an attractive fit woman in Hollywood in my fifties who owns her own very public
business. I have a son I am raising alone. I have dated very high profile men,ordinary cool guys,younger men, older, every type you name it. I have had a few interesting relationships thru the years.
I can honestly say the only guys that approach me these days are either
players or younger or gay.
I am out there am not stuck in my tracks, fun to be with….
I can’t seem to even get a date period. I am not looking to shack up at this point in my life but would love a positive relationship with a cool man.
I refuse to participate in online dating. I tried it once and the guy had an STD luckily he told me before…
Anyway – I do not understand how you are encouraging women to date guys that they are not that attracted to.
Not to mention even those guys are not asking me out.
Your thoughts — I feel as though I am living in a no man’s land.
I have to agree with Barbara and add that wasn’t always my opinion. I was with someone for 15 years, from 43 to 58 when, unbeknowns to me, he went on JDate, found someone, and ended up breaking up with me to marry this woman who had 5 children after telling me he dind’t want any all those years He told me on a phone call, that he had moved on and thought I should do the same. I found out about his marriage from a mutual friend. He married her after 4 months. I thought we were life partners. After healing for about a year and a half, I went out with someone for about 8 months whom I had known for years and was really having a good time; again, he drops off the radar screen, no explanations, no responses to emails or phone calls. I think this is 21st centry dating — the men who are available and out there are accustomed to a totally different style of dating — IM, textings, abrupt departures and easy conquests and muitlple replacements, not to mention women paying their own way. I am 60 and have not met so many ac and eums since I went back into the dating field about a year ago. Prior to my 15 year relationship, I met lots of men who were wonderful potential partners. I think it’s a reflection of the times and yes, “the good ones are taken,” IMO.
I am not a negative person and I’ve kept my spirits up for six years hoping to find a single, emotionally available, nice guy to date. I’m now 33 years old and in the past six years, neither or nor any of my similar-to-me girlfriends have had any luck. i have friends ten years older than me who are beautiful, smart, interesting, and emotionally stable who haven’t had even a date in over five or six years themselves. i don’t think it is about mind-set, or even our own stability…i think it is about numbers and demographics, and they are just not in favour of women 30+. i can’t think of ONE woman i know (and i know dozens and dozens) who has found a good, lasting relationship once she was over the age of 30/31. it makes for a challenging life if you live in a city — loads of “competition” from other women (mostly younger), and the few men that are available to date won’t settle down, because they are always looking over their shoulder for the next girl to come along. it’s discouraging. i never thought that i’d basically be celibate — and very lonely at times — during what are supposed to be the healthiest and best years of my life (from about 25–25), but that’s what i’ve been, along with so many of my dynamic, wonderful girlfriends. we figure when we’re 45 or so, the first crop of marriages by our friends will be over and we might get a second chance but it seems like a loooong time to wait. i agree with previous posters — the good ones get taken when they’re young and if you don’t figure out your love life in your early/mid 20s, you’re not going to have an easy time of dating when you’re older. it’s just a numbers game, really.
“We tend to attract and are attracted to people that reflect what we believe about love, relationships, and ourselves.”
So how, I wonder, do we go about changing our beliefs? If we once attracted a good guy, does that mean our beliefs changed in the meantime?
“It gives them a reason to believe that they don’t have to change.”
I would love to know the specifics of the changes we have to make. I had a decent (in hindsight, excellent) relationship in my 20s but was too immature/EU to stick with it. Since then I’ve been taking a good, hard look at myself but not to much avail. In the intervening years, I have spent many years alone interspersed with the occasional AC. I wish I knew the answer.
I hate to sound negative, but I too agree in part, with Barbara, Margie, and Still Looking. I am 57,raised for sons, married to my ex for 27 yrs, he left me for someone 20 yrs younger and is still with her. After the divorce, I was in two somewhat lengthy relationships, one was a classic EUM, Natalie essentially held my hand as I recovered from him, and then the next one was very co-dependent, the “nice guy”, and I wasn’t attracted to him at all. Since then, and that was a year ago now, I’ve only dated a bit here and there. Ran into my share of men I’ve felt chemistry for, or who I’ve considered “interesting/intelligent and they’ve been awful. I’m getting better though at figuring out they are bad, bad, bad ,faster. Thats progress. I agree that dating when you’re older is hard. We’re more stuck in our ways, less willing to compromise, and have gone through alot more hell in relationships than the younger folks. I agree with Natalie that there are still good guys out there, but its not easy to find them. Alot of men our age are just looking for casual sex and disguise that as looking for a relationship, when they aren’t. My solution is to maintain strong women friendships, live my life, and realize i may or may not ever meet someone. Sad but true. And it is way easier for men. Every man I know who wants a LTR need only wave a finger and he’ll be in one moments later.The guy whose heart I broke who wanted to marry me? He was living with someone two weeks later. geesh!
Wendy, I am 40. divorced for more than 6 years, and I agree with you 100%!!!
It is hard to meet a decent guy these days…I gave up and decided to concentrate on my inner self (new job move, additional interests: cooking etc), shame I dont have children…I would give all my attention to them, not men!
That is like trying to nail jello to the wall—nothing sticks at the end. I wouldn’t say that there aren’t good men or women to date, I’d say that people could start checking their habits and patterns and try something different—for those that want relationships anyway. As for people who don’t want relationships including myself, it’s either no one has caught our attention yet or we haven’t yet fully resolved issues we are having within ourselves. I think resolving whatever issues we are having could either motivate us to want to have a new relationship or to at least let a few things go. I am working on a few things, but am not motivated to want a new relationship. I do feel something inevitable though, but I am stil resistant. But not as resistant as I was before I came across your blog. Thanks for the empowerment. I could never see myself saying anything like that,knowing my temperament, but there you have it.
And I have to agree with the comments that have emphasized physical attraction. I may not have the standard visual IQ of humans, but that doesn’t mean that looks don’t matter to me. They do to a certain extent
For me, it hasn’t been so much thinking there aren’t any good men left, but this fear that there are and they shall swiftly and instinctually avoid dating me because I somehow reek of the LOSERS ENTER HERE plague. There were many glaringly obvious EUM from the get go. A lot were quite sneaky. However it is only until reading NML’s blogs that I fiinally accepted that the other common denominator in all these relationships is me and my own beliefs. And boy, did I not want to do that. There could have been much less pain,confusion and bitterness if I did trust myself, my gut and who I am. If I had done that, I’d be in the place right now to attract and acknowledge those good guys instead of resentful, suspicious and taking every “cheater” or “liar” story as proof that it is a hopeless search. I am working to TRULY believe I will encounter plenty of good guys who want a relationship and in the mean time, focus on my life and being happy right now for chrissake!
This quote by NML is very much me now and where I want to end up: “When I was emotionally unavailable myself, commitment-phobic with low self-esteem, I could not seem to avoid meeting dodgy men. They approached me randomly, they were all I seemed to see in the places that I went. Funny, as soon as I started changing my ways, the incidences of meeting them started shrinking…”
I’m not going to lie at times I feel this way. Sometimes I get so negative and down because I have really been hurt. I’m really working on becoming more positive and working on myself and confidence. I’m starting to believe that some of the situations that I have encountered is a result of my low coinfidence. So for now I guess I will start there.
When I read this post I thought wow…how many times have I, and my girlfriends been guilty of this very thing…complaining about the lack of men. Natalie, you could not be more right you really will attract what you think. I can recall the last time I gave up hope and thought “I am never going to find anyone who is real.” Well the last time I thought that, I met someone the very next day….he just helped to further confirm what I was already thinking. It is rare that we can think negatively about anything and have the exact opposite show up. It just does not work that way.
Natalie, your weekly blogs have really been helping me take a good look at my mindset…I discovered somethings that made me take steps to change my way of thinking pronto!!!!! I intend on having a healthy relationship in 2010.
I have to agree with that line of comments, articulated above, that there is a shortage of available, appropriate men. I have been in and out of shallow relationships with AC and EUM for the last 16 years. At the risk of sounding vain, a male friend once told me that “I had it all…I was the total package”. Yet, regardless of a positive mindsight, I have managed to attract parasite after parasite because I make a very good living, and they just seem to glomb on to that. About two years ago, I met someone who I thought was extremely stable: out of a long-term marriage, great dad, excellent provider. Yet, despite these external factors, this one was more emotionally paralyzed than his predecessors! I am at wit’s end. When I review my conundrum logically, I believe that most men are just looking for a “trophy girlfriend/wife”, and if you are too tall, or don’t have the perfect figure, then you are SOL. Is there any proof out there to the contrary? It is becoming increasingly difficult to remain positive and optimistic after these many years of disappointment. I guess my only saving grace is that I merely dated them, and did not marry them.
.-= Res Judicata´s last blog ..Myth: There Are No Good Men to Date – Part One =-.
I think this is the first post of NML’s with which I disagree.
I think that saying “be positive” and “change your habits” is too simplistic.
I have a very positive attitude. I look at each new guy I date as a fresh start and do my very best not to assume he will be like the last assclown. I am 40 and single and still have hope. I know there are decent guys out there looking for love just like the rest of us. I’ve done just about everything I can do to put myself out there, to no avail. And people always say “when you stop looking it’ll happen”. Bullyouknowhat. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I’ve also worked on myself to be a good human being, attractive and a respectful, responsible person. I’ve sought therapy to figure out why I choose the people I do in relationships and what can I do myself to be a better partner? Done. it. all. Did. not. work. (Or shall I say has not worked, since I’m still hoping tide will turn one day.)
Dating these days is extremely tough. No one knows how to do it anymore. With the advent of technology it’s just way to easy for a guy to say, “On to the next! What else is out there in the shopping mall of love?” Disappearing, cheating, ignoring, mind games… happens all the time.
I’m not suggesting that women are paragons of virtue either. It just seems that people are losing respect for each other and their relationships. We’re all so disposable these days. Men and women are frustrated as hell and are wondering if it’s all worth it in the end.
Attraction is also a key factor. If it’s not there, there’s no point in forcing it. We all know it won’t work. Now, if someone rejects a candidate based on how his jeans look, if he has the wrong hair color or what car he drives, that’s going too far. But basic attraction is necessary. If you feel repelled when he tries to kiss you, no amount of “well, he’s just a good guy” is going to cut it. And vice versa with the women as well. If I were 50lbs overweight, I wouldn’t expect most men to be attracted to me either. It’s a fact of life.
And what if we find someone who fits perfectly, but perhaps does not share the same goals as we do? Kids/marriage/career? How far should we compromise in order to just be in a relationship?
I think all we can do it just get ourselves out there and yes, have a positive outlook. But that in itself isn’t going to bring us the just reward. Most of the time I think it’s really down to pure luck. And the odds aren’t great these days.
Great post NML! 🙂
I have met some great guys in my 20 years of dating. I will admit that it was “me” was emotionally unavailable at the time. One guy I met shortly after I broke up with an AC. Another guy I met, I was just starting to date an AC, but I was so involved with the AC, I failed to pay attention to the nice guy and I then suffered.
I am going through another phase of my life and although it’s a negative phase, I know the outcome will be positive. I’m sitting on the anger I’d suppressed for 20 years and I know after I’m done with this, I will be ready, open, available and I’ll be able to recognize a nice guy.
Sherry
I think that it is very difficult to date, depending on where you live. Single women tend to gravitate to the big cities, and so do men with big egos (the finance and law types). Women in the big cities have big egos too. Essentially everyone is there to “make their mark” whether it be in their career, education, etc… I think the “game” extends to relationships, without many of us realizing it. Big cities are also very transitional in nature, as many are chasing “the next big thing”.
It doesn’t necessarily add up to a situation where the odds are in favor of a woman meeting a nice guys with whom to settle down and have a loving, healthy, lasting relationship. As you get older, say over 35 or 40, it gets more difficult. That’s a fact too.
Yet, I’m not ALL doom and gloom. I do believe that people catch each other at the right moment now and then. For myself, I’ve realized I need to be optimistic and enjoy my life – without a partner at the moment. I am keeping my eyes open. Every week I come across men I feel are unavailable. What do I do about it? Nothing. I don’t chase, I let it go. If they chase me, I watch, with my eyes open to see if maybe I’m being to harsh and they actually are available. Usually, I’m not being to harsh, and things fade away. And I’m still free to meet someone available – but also, just live my life and enjoy it to the fullest.
It’s natural to have the “woe is me” attitude. I’m guilty of it just like everyone else at times. It’s a hard thing to be over the age of 40 and realize that a lot of the dreams you grew up won’t be realized. Yet, that’s the way it is and you have to accept it. No one said life was fair. And – regardless of my single status, I’ve got a blessed life. So – that’s what I remind myself every day.
Good luck out there!
Hi NML,
It’s a hard one, your right NML.
In all parts of my life I use the if your positive then you draw that in.
However I failed to see that I was not doing that regarding relationships.
It’s a hard one because each relationship feeds the negativity about men or relationships. So unfortunately that’s my baseline.
Learning to change that around while having nothing but bad experiences to judge men/relationships on will be a tuff one because history has shown me otherwise and left its scar.
BUT, I do get it ! 🙂
I am lucky. Yes — I have had these negative experiences; yet, I persevere. I still try to meet men, and still sign up for internet dating to maximize the pool. I have a wonderful job, circle of friends, house, dogs, etc. I have no fear or problem with attending movies, or vacationing, alone. However, I have always had a better time when with someone. I used to live in a very large, competitive city, so can relate to those comments above. My environment now is smaller, but very youth- and cosmetic-enhancement oriented, so I guess I feel devalued sometimes. As others have noted, despite our best intentions, it’s hard to remain positive after enduring negative experiences.
.-= Res Judicata´s last blog ..Myth: There Are No Good Men to Date (Especially when online dating) – Part 2 =-.
I love Columbias attitude! It’s so true, if you aren’t passionate about yourself and your life, how are you going to draw that energy in from a man? Its true have fun with life anyways, be cool – and along this journey you will come across it. Get clear on what you want in your life besides a relationship. I think, what do we expect him to do for us that we can’t fill for ourselves? If we are empty and bored with ourselves and lives – no person, or place or thing can bring you happiness. You will end up attracting negative energy, you!
Natalie,
Your website has helped me out a lot. I was blessed when I found it. A lot of your post are right on time. I love it!!!!
This is a great post as always but I have to say that I believe that there really are not many ‘good’ men out there. I’ve given up – I have a great life and don’t want the complications a modern relationship brings. But I observe my friends of all ages trying to find love and I really sympathise – its awful out there. Men, regardless of looks or age, do not seem to know how to have relationships or want to have them. There is lots of research out there now examining this phenonema and supporting my beliefs(Generation Unhooked, The Narcissism Epidemic). In summary, its the prevalence of narcissism, entitlement and the disposable society which is to blame. Woman are not far behind either,however at the moment, there are plenty of women who do want relationships which makes it easier for men. So I would go easy on yourselves. It’s not simply a case of changing our attitudes or behaviours. Of course, there are personal issues to overcome , but my conclusion is that times have changed and the ‘good’ men we seek are like needles in a haystack…….
Amen to your comment “times have changed” and “its the prevalence of narcissism, entitlement and the disposable society which is to blame”. You have captured the essence of the issue. In fact your entire post is spot on. As you said, “It’s not simply a case of changing our attitudes or behaviours”. You can’t change a society, and men do have it very easy. As someone wrote in another post, after claiming she broke his heart, he was in another relationship in 2 weeks. Men I’ve spoken to who are in solid, happy, relationships, agree that men these days do not seem to behave honorably or treat women with respect, mostly because they don’t have to or it’s not in them to do so. I found that men are as appalled as the women when they hear the stories their sister, female friends, etc. tell them.
Well…its a couple of months later down the road, and I have had quite the ride! About a week after I learned that my EU XBF returned to his home state, my former boyfriend returned from State X to our state after a five years’ absence! Even though his departure was precipitous and very hurtful to me, I actually let him in the door and, in my usual Type A/OCD fashion, gave him the low- and highlights of the last five years. The most compelling part of all: I no longer feel anything for him, and am unsure of the direction he wants to take. Finally, I told him that we could be friends since we had rushed very quickly into lovers and B/GF those many years ago.
Meanwhile…back at the ranch, I continued my internet dating. At around the same time, this totally cool person wrote me. When we met, we learned that we had much in common, and the sparks soon flew! We tried not to rush too quickly into a sexual relationship but, like most times, it happened. We spent a fantastic several weeks together until he was offered a job out-of-state that he could not pass up, as he had been presently underemployed.
So…I am back in Heartbreak Hotel…but am so happy that I opened my heart and my head to this possibility. Time will tell whether we will stay in touch with one another, and carry through on our plans to meet up in his new city after he acclimates. At the end of the day, I am amazed and thankful that when I finally decided to move on, someone perfect was brought into both my life and soul. It has, in my mind, been a miraculous Spring and I am very appreciative of the opportunity to like, and even love, again.
Morale of the story: Never give up!
.-= Res Judicata´s last blog ..Reader Question: What does it mean when a man says ‘I can’t give you want you want’? =-.
I’m an optimisitic person and at a content place in my life. I’m also a realist. I’m in my 40’s and single and the fact of the matter is, single men are hard to find, let alone date,let alone want to date a woman of my age. The last man I dated turned out to be married which needless to say put an abrupt end to any ‘romance!’ Plus, you need to have the hide of a rhino to dimiss the judgement of ‘what exactly is wrong wih her if she can’t find a man…difficult, neurotic..a lesbian?’ I’m none of these things, I like a good laugh, I’m attractive and I’m kind, I’m not desperate, I have friends. I have genuine interests in things which I have taken classes in. Night classes, regardless of the subject at hand, are always full of women by the way, so luckily I wasn’t on the ‘hunt’. I’ve given up and it’s from a true sense of what is going on in the world around us.