When I suggest to people that they could opt out of the Disappointment Cycle in their lives, which is where they keep responding in a similar manner because they hope that they’re going to get something (a relationship, validation etc.,) and then it doesn’t happen, they get hurt, and then the cycle starts all over again, I’m often met with resistance because they recognise the cycle and want out of it, but it’s like they believe that they have no choice over their part in the cycle.
We all have options but when we’re stuck in a cycle of doing the same thing and expecting different results, it appears like our options are limited to that uncomfortable comfort zone. We like to believe that there’s no alternative to the default response or we recognise that there is, but can’t see our way to choosing the alternative. We object sometimes to the alternative because we think it’s ‘hard’ or we’re scared because it requires us to engage in consistent action and even support it with different thinking.
If like me, you’ve found yourself repeatedly doing the same thing and have essentially ended up treading water in disappointment to the point where you’ve acclimatised to feeling disappointed, you might be feeling a tad mentally and physically worn out, so that the idea of putting one foot in front of the other, or pulling your hand back, or saying words that rumble through your mind and are trapped in your throat can seem like it’s an impossibility or at least a very difficult task. Having another go-round on the disappointment cycle is resignation with a little hopefulness, almost saying “Ack! Sure, one more bet’s not going to do any harm…”
Every Monday for almost 18 months, I’d receive an email. The contents were always the same – asking (more like assuming and confirming) that I was free to hook up that evening. I invariably said yes unless I had a prior engagement, which to be fair would be rare because I organised my life around the possibility of being called up for Other Woman duty. I often hesitated over replying and then I’d push down my feelings and let the hope of him ‘leaving’ take over, and then I’d push down the truth and hit reply. I kept making the same choice and in turn I went to bed with a fat headache every Monday.
I’d be lying if I said that when I initially made the different choice, that I hadn’t been hoping that it would make him make a different choice, but then that’s not how it works. I was making a choice to better me and to stop the pain; he was making a choice to try and get laid behind his girlfriend’s back.
The option of him ‘leaving’ wasn’t actually an option just like the option of him ‘choosing’ wasn’t an option either because he’d already chosen long ago – I was just doing a lather, rinse, repeat each week where I essentially said “Look, I know you’re all up for having an affair and that essentially makes it your choice, but I don’t like that choice so I’m going to give you near 52 chances a year to make a different choice.”
I no longer hold myself hostage on long draining phone calls anymore with family members who do the equivalent of calling The Telephone Dump or hitting me with a barrage of drama when I see them. Instead I let the call go to voicemail and call back when it’s convenient to me, or I let The Drainer know that I’ve only got X minutes and make my exit.
I do tend to think about saying YES to things that I’m asked to do, but I’m conscious of this, so I remember to think about whether I actually want to, need to, or even have the time to, because I only end up not meeting my own expectations and feeling p*ssed off.
I’ve said to certainly family members, “Er, actually that’s not true…” or “You can’t speak to me / treat me like that”. The alternative was compromising my integrity or taking a bashing of my boundaries.
You don’t have to pick up the phone.
You could pick up the phone and not book yourself in for shag or you could decline to meet up.
You could listen to the latest excuse and sob story, process it with reality, and draw a different conclusion and have a different response. “I’m glad to hear that you’ve changed and I wish you well but we both need to move on…separately.”
You don’t have to silence your questions and opinions.
You don’t have to sext or lend money or play armchair psychologist or act like you’ve got amnesia and you don’t remember who they are and what they’ve been with you.
You don’t have to blame you. You could have your little moment and then go, “Er, hold up a frickin second here – I’m owning my own and that behaviour is theirs.”
You could think and I mean really think as opposed to dodging rational thoughts and the truth, which would actually calm you down and give you perspective.
You don’t have to chase after every negative thought and pile onto it. Recently, when I catch myself ruminating over the stuff with my family, I consciously pull myself back and refocus my mind. That’s not me avoiding my feelings – that’s me having some free mind time and revisiting old drama and all it does is add negativity to me. Why go there?
Every day, you need to make conscious, considered choices about what you do and what you think. If you stop making those choices, if you choose not to choose and just ‘react’, and if you dodge responsibility, you will unconsciously fall into unproductive and unhealthy habits.
You have options and while you may have a tendency to do certain things, if you recognise what those tendencies are and get conscious about them and work on doing the alternatives out of habit and even do the work to discover where they come from, you won’t keep falling for the same cons over and over again. Start with just being truthful. “They’re calling/texting because ________ and then once I do ______, they’ll do _______ and I’ll feel ________ and lather rinse repeat.” Er, no thanks! None of this “But, but, but what if on the 102nd occasion they spontaneously combust into The Ideal Person™ ?” You’d better off making different choices and practicing acting with self-respect and self-love than you would be playing The Change Lottery on someone who has shown you who they are and what’s what. Let your choices do the talking. Or the walking.
Your thoughts?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1083 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Sorry to keep going off topic. No mind-boggling issues right now, relating to recent posts. Am I grateful because I can really use a break.
You changed my life…Your words speak to my soul..Your words always seem to be perfect…Like they were made just for me…I thank you for your website..You taught me how to let go and learn to LOVE, TRUST, RESPECT and HONOR myself first…Your amazing and I cant wait to read what you write next!
and one more thing…4 months NO CONTACT…You helped me find my strength…
Sushi – Thank you for your reply – you are so right about feeling sicker each time and of course the shame mounts up aswell. And yep he is just not that special – So why am I still treading water with him? Answers on a poscard please ha ha. In fact he is rather boring as all he does is work or sit on IM sites.
Ha ha yes I like the thought of him as an over bred, incontinent rat dog. It did give me a chuckle and helped to relieve the knot in my stomach.
Naz – Wow! You are amazing – keep strong – you have had such a difficult time. Your EUM sounds a total nightmare. I am sure if he is cheating on the new gorgeous girlfriend already it won’t be loves young dream for long.
Do you know I had a message from my EUM – hours after he had rejected my suggestion to meet up and I had told him I was done with him -’Hope your having a great night’ His strategy and I must admit it was very successful with me was to ignore any uncomfortable issues I brought up – ha through text of course! Never a phone call. I am not the most confident girl so I do find it easier to talk through texting. I know I have my issues aswell ha
@ babyangel, if you think through things as Natalie says you will identify a pattern. I mostly communicated with my AC via text because that is how he wanted it. He said it was because he could not express himself on the phone. I went with it as it was the way I was.
I have realised through all the relationship and now reading these posts how bad my self esteem is.
You sound probably in the same boat.
You ask why do you still want him, it’s because he filled the gap. What I am trying and would encourage you to do is fill the gap with your own love for yourself.
With my AC it’s been 3 years of ups and downs. I have wasted 3 years, note he disappeared on me for 18months only to pop back and want to be friends which then lead onto us getting back together and then him dumping me.
The most painful part right now is not the NC it’s the realisation of I meant absolutely nothing to him. I took care of him, emotionally and physically. He never once bought me flowers, said sorry, he never took a picture with me or showed me pictures of his family.
Each day there are these painful pop ups that make me see how badly he treated me. He used me and when he was done threw me away.
I should have at the first dumping seen it for what it was, telling me he couldn’t be with me as he loved his then girlfriend and that he was afraid of a mixed race child.
I keep coming here because it is my road to healing, I can’t thank the women enough for all their words and support.
Sending you all love and light!
Hi Naz
I know what you mean about loving myself but God it is so hard to do. I think im making progress then I wake up and feel crap and insecure and I really struggle to feel good about myself. I keep reading natalie’s posts hoping that it will eventually begin to sink in. Well 2 days NC and its a roller coaster of emotions – knowing ive done the right thing to wanting to contact him. I know you feel you wasted so much time on him but i realise all my relationships in the last 20 years have been with EUMs!!! This has also given me the insight into my own EU and it scares the hell out of me. Its like I can see where I want to be but there is a glass wall in front of me and I can’t get through it. I just hope with awareness I can begin to change. Keep fighting and stay on the road to healing and be grateful your out of it sooner rather than later. You are now free to make a better life.
Babyangel, that is so true all you say, I feel for you because it is exactly how I feel. I lost my AC, my job, my new chance at happiness in a new flat all in a space of the last two months. I know and feel exactly the same which is why I come here to this site everyday to get some support and perhaps give some.
I really missed my AC today, why I have no idea,I just did. I missed the times we would be planning a future together. But then reality strikes, we were never together longer than 2 nights.
He never was there when I was sick or needed him. Even when I told him I lost my job and flat, he offered no support, nothing. No shoulder to cry on.
All he said to mess my mind up was he would never find a girl that loved him or cared for him as I had, 1 week later he announced his new gorgeous girlfriend.
I feel how low you feel it is so crap we can’t just fast forward to when we feel better…
I went to the gym today, had to force myself but I did.
I also put up on facebook the only one pic of myself I don’t think I look like a hippo.
I have been trying waking up and going to bed saying, I am worthy of love and respect, I am a bright and beautiful person but like you it’s hard to believe it.
Well done on the 2 days stick to it!
I’m here if you get tempted, trust me you will get to a point where you will have no inclination to make contact.
Strangers we might all be but we are united in our experiences and pain. Chin up.
If you need to offload or talk through things I am happy to listen will distract me from my worries!
Take care
Naz,
Just focus on this and the other women, and recovery will be faster:
“I lost my AC, my job, my new chance at happiness in a new flat all in a space of the last two months. I know and feel exactly the same which is why I come here to this site everyday to get some support and perhaps give some.
I really missed my AC today, why I have no idea,I just did. I missed the times we would be planning a future together. But then reality strikes, we were never together longer than 2 nights.
He never was there when I was sick or needed him. Even when I told him I lost my job and flat, he offered no support, nothing. No shoulder to cry on.
All he said to mess my mind up was he would never find a girl that loved him or cared for him as I had, 1 week later he announced his new gorgeous girlfriend.”
You’re entitled to so much more!!!
Stay strong!!!
Naz well done for getting out there! Baby steps forward. Every small step is a victory over the emotionally stunted men who have tried to crush us. But we are stronger than they are because we are willing to try, to change, to love. They are terrified of that emotion so we will always be the winner! Not only do I choose emotionally unavailable men but my female friends are the same. I broke my neck to meet a friend after work to talk as she had split up with her boyfriend for the umpteenth time – ha a familiar pattern – and she wasn’t there to meet me. They are back together and as usual I am relegated to not that important! I am so angry but find it hard to be honest – ha like Nats newest post. I want to stop being her friend as she hurts me constantly. Wow where have I heard that before OMG!
Hey babyangel as you said we all have baby steps to take. I think Nat’s idea of keeping a diary to jot down all your feelings would be good. You have a lot of relationships that need resolving. It is true you only need maybe 3 or 4 really good friends that accept you for who you are and that are reliable. The rest you need to learn as you do with the AC they they are who they are it shouldn’t be your issue.
With this particular friend you need to say what you need to, if she is a true friend then she will understand and stop treating you in that way. You may find you lose her, but if she can leave you hanging for a guy who keeps giving her the run around then it looks like she is using you.
It’s tough giving up people, we are so scared of being alone, but we have to weigh it all up.
How are you on the NC? I am lucky as my AC is so loved up and never wants to speak to me again that it is easier knowing that even if I did contact him it would be a lack of pride on my end and embarrassing, he would laugh in my face at my desperation.
Here’s to hoping it gets easier. That there will be someone better or at least we learn to appreciate who we are
hi Naz
yes a diary would be a good idea. Though i am not very consistent. Its been 4 days NC now and I haven’t heard anything. I am trying to be strong and I am hoping he doesn’t contact me as it will be hard to ignore him. I would feel like a bad person for not replying. It must be so painful for you knowing he is with someone else.I am hoping i dont find out if my AC meets someone new. I have a friend who knows him and I hope she keeps anything she knows to herself. Just know that you are a strong person and that you will eventually feel better. It is so true that time is a great healer.
I know I need to develop boundaries – I think I wouldn’t know what a good relationship was even if it jumped up and bit me on the bum. I know I am tired of having the same relationship in a different package!
Take care
Babyangel promise me if he does contact you, you will come here to this site and write to one of us!
If you say you are tired of the same relationship same package then don’t go back. Even if it is hard. You have to test this and really see if you mean anything. Actions speak louder then words or in our case texts.
If this man truly wants you he will fight for you, the fact he isn’t in itself is hurtful but he is showing honesty in his actions that say if I wanted you I would pick up the phone and find you. Unfortunately it is that simple.
He is probably arrogant enough as my ex AC is that I will give in eventually send him by usual I am sorry lets work it out, I really care about you, etc. in which case, the vicious cycle will start.
I have a diary, I can’t write everything in it as yet, but I have been able to write a letter to my ex saying what I feel. This will never be sent but when I am finished burnt. Again one of Nat’s ideas.
Check it out under the library section.
Lets stay strong shall we? We both might not know what a good relationship is like even if it hit Us in the face but we can at least hope, pray and dream of much, much more than what we have been receiving.
Take care too! Hang in there.
Hey yes let’s stay strong Naz. It does help so much knowing I am not alone and that there are many people who can understand and support. I do draw stength from reading the posts and it helps me to keep from the temptation to text him. It is amazing how easy it is to forget the pain and hurt of rejection. It is also amazing how the EUM can judge just the right time to contact you its as if they can tap into your emotions and come calling just at the point when your feeling weak.
Hmm I don’t think mu EUM will fight for me I doubt he has any strong feelings about it one way or the other. Well it has been 5 days NC and I feel I am wishing the days away to put more distance between us. I want to try and keep a diary so that I don’t put on rose tinted glasses once again.
I will email if he does get in touch. Ignoring it will be so hard for me. you are so right about hoping and dreaming of much, much more than the measly crumbs from the EUM!!
Keep doing what your doing!
Hey there babyangel, seems I can dish out sensible advise but have to read my own comments to remind myself of the very fact that I need to not make contact with my AC. I have had to stop myself checking Facebook on his whereabouts where he so easily publishes his happy new life and girlfriend. It has been 3 weeks for me NC and like you I am trying to wish the days away in the hope it becomes easier.
I have even decided to leave the city for a few weeks just being 20 mins away from where he lives makes its all too hard.
He won’t contact me, I know this as it was always me who initiated contact or in some way or another apologised or “begged” to get back together. He gave in, it suited him at the time. He now has become so confident has a job that he earns well and has women’s attention, I have been kicked to the curb.
I need to snap out of the dream, that it wasn’t all good times, there were hurtful moments.
I hang on because he was my first for many things. I had an abusive father, brother, uncle, previous so called boyfriend was bad calling me fat ass, stingy, poor, big gob, nag, stubborn, too dark, all round useless.
My AC was the first to notice me, take me to romantic dinners, hug me, hold me, care for me. Even though I was married before my husband and I never actually slept together it was a marriage mainly for our families.
Gosh is this hard, but I need to focus on cutting myself some slack and spending time getting to know me.
How I wish I could look into the future..maybe I could find a shred of hope that this 36 year, childless woman will find someone to share her life.
hey Naz – a few weeks away i think is a great idea. It will put some distance between you and give you some space to begin to heal.
It is so easy to remember just the good times – ha I don’t really have any as it was usually a quick dinner, sex and then sleep. The only good times if im honest was the great sex!! Otherwise it wasnt the most exciting relationship – or rather non relationship!
Well its 9 days NC and I managed well this weekend but this Monday morning I woke up feeling crap and he has been on my mind a lot today. Wondering if he has replaced me already! I understand that I can’t go back as nothing will have changed and I will be right back to the same place again very quickly. But it is hard to stop wanting and wishing things to be different. But I know really they will never be different.
It must be so hard when you had so many first times with him but you will get there, just remember therre is someone better out there for you.
You know what struck me babyangel was what you said dinner, sex, sleep. That is what I had with him. It only hit home now.
There were 2 occasions we actually took a walk and went cycling.
The rest as you say it.
My AC has moved on, I am so cut up about the girl he has, I can’t believe his luck, this gorgeous, successful woman has just come into his life, apparently on a business trip. It’s crazy. I am most cut up that I haven’t had any gorgeous, available man sweep into my life just like that?!
How does a guy who has done damage to a number of women in a short period of time come out on top.
His ex girlfriend is also still in touch, she is the fallback girl for him. He always goes back to her in some way or another. They talk everyday even though he told me they were not together physically or emotionally.
He still will travel 2 hours to see her but could not come 20 mins to see me?!
I never listened the one time he messaged me and told me he was a shit. I felt sorry for him, made me want him more.
Hang in there I know what you feel, I have the same feeling and urges. I know that nothing will not change but I still have that last shred of hope. This week will be week 4 of no contact. I have not looked at his Facebook profile, for fear of hurt and a setback.
I need to realise it is all over.
He is gone like the thief in the night.
Gone for good. I have to face my demons…gosh there are so many.
Naz – yes it must be like salt in the wounds knowing he is with someone. Don’t be tempted to go on Facebook it will set you back and hurt so much! I know i have been there before. You justify to yourself it will help but it doesn’t it just feels awful when you see they are getting on with their lives quite happily.
Its funny as I thought i was doing quite well for the first week NC – now im finding myself feeling so crap and thinking about him more and more. Even though I initiated NC I am the one that feels rejected!! Probably because he hasn’t been in touch but I know it will be better in the long run.I keep imagining he has met someone else and it hurts.
I also have to avoid a friend because I can’t bear the thought of her telling me something about him so I feel bad about that also.
We really must be grateful that they are not contacting us, just imagine if they did and we were back on the rollercoaster and then back to square 1. I can’t go through this again, I don’t want to keep repeating the same mistakes. I so want to change it seems I have spent so long trying to change sometimes I just get tired of fighting, trying to get to where I want to be. Will i ever get there?
Hi there babyangel,
I felt that too;rejection. It’s sore as if I wasn’t good enough or not worthy for him to change or to fight for me. I have had to accept he has moved on.
I promise it will get better.
It gets easier with each passing day. I have not even checked Facebook for his latest, knowing and reminding myself all too well the hurt I felt the last time I checked.
In the theme of Halloween, it’s like being in a nightmare, you know there is a scary ghost behind you, a dark force but you look forward focus only on looking forward at the bright light, the good…
I am here for you, I will listen evn if you email 10 times, all because we all have been there.
I can’t say I don’t miss him, I had a friend of a friend chat me up, another unavailable man. I was and am friendly but so detached and distant inside. Protecting my heart, I miss the man I fell in love with but not the one that left me…but though I miss him it doesn’t hurt as much, nor do I cry as much.
This day will come for you, like an addiction you have to go cold turkey – your NC is that. After a while you will see the difference.
Take good care,
Said a little prayer for you, for all the women here that pain and ache eases.
Hi. Naz
Have tried 3 times to reply but don’t know where my messages disappeared to. Hope this appears
Hello baby angel, no did not see any replies here.
Well done on the 17 days..sad and as hard as it is, you have to face the reality has he at least tried to come back? Nope, he hasn’t hunted you down and made you feel you mattered.
I went onto Facebook, i know I should not have, he looks happy, he’s out flaunting this great life on Facebook. I’m completely forgotten.
He looks like a stranger, not the man I loved.
He has been working out, looks great..he has so many new friends and is traveling.
So I know all about hurting.
I met this guy at a charity ball, I guess I thought it would be a good way of getting over my assclown. Turns out this guy despite flirting outrageously, being a funny guy, is just as unavailable. He told me straight he would sleep with me but would not have a proper relationship.
I was upset, stupid, it was yet another rejection of me.
How do we move forward, where and how do you meet decent guys? Guys that want to know you.
How do some girls meet these assclowns and make them settle?
Let alone that how do I prep myself to pick the right guy?
I am hurting deeply, all I want to do is sleep during the day, night time I struggle to sleep…
I even have a rash on my arms and legs from the stress
well it has been 17 days NC and I am struggling. Even though I finished it I so want him to contact me to validate me.
All the reasons why I should not be with him have magically disappeared from my memory.
I am finding being with the human race challenging at the moment and am finding myself withdrawing which i know is a double edge sword.
Why do i still crave the attention of someone who is ambiguous – a rhetorical question i suppose as i do really know the answer.
I still feel like we are meant to be together ha ha – fantasy island i suppose.
I hope i get stronger with time
I’m new here. I stumbled upon this website a few months back looking for some support but have never posted a comment until now.
Short version of a very very long story, I’ve been involved with my MM for around 9 years now. I know, I know its a mistake, i’m a fool. To top everything else i am now 34 and divorced. Not because of MM, my ex and I had a very troublesome and exhausting marriage, as short as it was.
Last night my MM said that he was thinking about coming by after a work dinner and staying the night. I said I’ll think about it, and who boy, that did not make him happy at all. He responded with “I didn’t realize it was something that you needed to think about. Don’t worry about it”.
I hate to sound like a cliche but he always tells me he loves me multiple times during the day. And honestly, I do love him very much.
Needless to say I was very angry, honestly I guess I shouldn’t be because I’ve created a comfortable environment for him at my house. I know, the worst thing that I could’ve done to myself. I probably will not hear from him for at least two weeks, thats the norm for him when I say something he says hurts his feelings.
So now onto my question. In this time, how do you you ladies feel I should use this time to benefit myself and attempt to end this. I’m a little confused about where and how to start as this has been going on for so long. Again i know my fault.
Essentially, I have been giving him the out that he needs all this time. Am I proud of myself, absolutely not! Do I regret the time that we have spent together, a resounding no. I have to honestly admit though that I was a little taken aback about the reaction that he gave, I told him I was p*ssed about the way he responded to me needed to think about the night, more because of the late hour that he would be coming by than anything, and he told me to to “be p*ssed, love you, goodnight”.
So here I am. I already know im my head what needs to happen, but how can you change the heart? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result……That seems to be the point I’m
Too Tired, you being involved with a married man will only lead to bad karma and bad places. He is giving you the crumbs while he ignores the committment he made to another woman. What can you really expect of him? You can expect nothing of him, he is a zero. What’s funny is that he was put off when you didn’t jump to see him–that’s ridiculous! Dont be “too tired” and give up on yourself—I say cut him out of your life, go NC, tell him “it’s over” and move forward with someone who is free to give you a real relationship.
Until today I have had zero self respect or confidence in myself for 38 years! And today was the day I finally ‘got’ what you’ve wrote about in this blog, which I originally read a while back. Today has been the day that ive consciously decided to opt out of putting everyone else’s needs and feelings before my own, to the point where Ive made myself so emotionally and physically exhausted I’m now on Prozac, and being treated for severe social anxiety.
With love, C xx
From now on I only do things I want do to, on the provision it fits within ‘my’ boundaries and ”my’ values, if people don’t like that they can frankly jog on! My body, my mind and my heart deserves only the best!!
Thankyou for your blog Natalie, you’ve helped me finally see, merry Xmas to you. I cant wait for 2013