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Over parts one and two of this post, I have explained about how in order to be happy as a result of external factors, we need to look a little closer to home first and be happy with ourselves personally. I also suggested some ways to kickstart getting back in touch with yourself so that you can learn to articulate what makes you happy, but also let go of people and behaviours that hold you back in misery. In the final part of this series, I have some more suggestions for helping to build your self-esteem and find happiness and some final thoughts…
One of the key issues that I explained in part two was our resistance to accepting the reality of what is happening in our lives.
Don’t be mistaken and believe that I am asking you to accept a bad situation; I am saying that you need to accept the reality rather than engage in the illusion so that you can take action.
A lot of our unhappiness is tied up in fighting.
We’re fighting against our gut instincts, we’re fighting against trusting, distrusting, loving, not loving, letting go, accepting, believing and in essence, it’s almost like we put up a resistance to everything engaging in a game of opposites. When we should let go we cling harder, when we should hold on, we push it away. When we should trust, we’re suspicious, when we should distrust, we ignore our gut and project our own version of things on it.
We resist.
We refuse to accept and the funny thing is that none of this makes things any better – it’s not like in the medium or long term you end up being any happier clinging to the illusion because it doesn’t change the reality – it just puts you in limbo.
One of the biggest things that you can do for yourself right now is to stop expecting things and people who have showed you the way of the land, to be different.
Like I’ve said before, relationship insanity is about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
You keep throwing yourself into oncoming traffic and wondering why you keep getting run over.
Stop expecting more from people than they are capable of delivering.
You can’t ‘expect’ from them just because you love them or you think that you could have a future with them; they may not be on board with your expectations. It may not be that there is anything wrong with your expectations but that doesn’t mean that you should keep plugging at someone in the hope that they’ll deliver.
We all have a right to expect to be treated decently in our relationships but that doesn’t give us a divine right to expect that from someone who has no intention of doing this and has consistently shown that they cannot meet our expectations. It’s redundant.
The unhappiness keeps on coming when we put ourselves in the hotseat of disappointment but if you stopped expecting from people like this, you’d take yourself out of the hotseat and focus your energies in more appropriate places.
Stop projecting your version of love and events on them in the hope that they will be reflected into reality.
The unhappiness arises because it’s a bit like having a script in your head and expecting someone to know what that script is without seeing it. It also keeps you out of reality and sometimes we sabotage our potential for happiness because we’re too busy trying to control what will happen and chasing a predetermined feeling and ideal of what we want. Maybe your projection isn’t healthy?
Stop throwing your love at people who are unworthy of it in the hope that by you loving unconditionally and without boundaries that you will reap the rewards and be loved back.
The unhappiness stems from expecting people to give you what you are unable to give yourself. It also arises because you keep throwing your version of love at a bad investment and wondering why it doesn’t come good. Love yourself and trust me when I say you will choose better partners who will yield better, quality relationships.
Stop expecting a quality relationship with love, trust, respect, and care from someone who is disconnected and doesn’t have you and the relationship at the centre of his interests.
Choosing an assclown or Mr Unavailable is an assurance of engaging with a man who serves his own interests first and foremost and invariably has one foot (at least) out of the relationship. If someone has no clue what these things are and no interest in giving you what you want, you’re effectively flogging a dead horse by persisting in trying to extract emotions and behaviour that they are either incapable of, or they just plain don’t want to give it to you.
Stop chasing commitment from people who are the least likely candidates for commitment and then tying yourself up in knots about why they haven’t committed.
You will find yourself at the gates of unhappiness if you stake your love on an uncommitted party and then commit yourself to the painstaking act of trying to get them to commit. Never force your love on someone and certainly never try to persuade someone to love you because you will never trust that what you have is real, wholesome, and committed. When someone makes you work so hard for their affections, you’re permanently on the backfoot because deep down you know you shouldn’t have to prove yourself to someone in this way.
Stop being words focused and be action focused.
This means that even a man told you he loved you a million times in the first three months but has been different for the last year, you process that information and realise that talk is cheap – It doesn’t matter what they’ve said before – either something has changed or it wasn’t real, and either way, they are not giving you what you want. There is this part of us that can be oversimplified and it comes down to this:
Just because someone told you something, doesn’t make it so. Harsh, but true. Yes it’s shitty, yes it hurts, yes it’s disappointing, but how much of your time do you want to allocate to someone analysing why he said something, how he said it, and why it isn’t so anymore?
And there lies the crux of the matter because, how much of your life are you willing to expend on trying to force someone to SEE you, to LOVE you, to VALUE you, to RESPECT you, to CARE for you, and do some bare basics in the quest for happiness?
How much misery does it cost you to gain your drop of happiness?
Isn’t there a cut off point where you have to recognise that you are unhappy and that your quest to be happy with that particular someone is actually making you unhappy?
If you can accept the situation, be accountable for your part, let go and recognise that you are human and make mistakes, and use your experience to empower yourself to recognise poor relationship behaviour and also to arm yourself with better self-love such as boundaries, you can and will be happy.
Having boundaries, treating yourself with love, care, respect, and trust, is self love.
Boundaries teach people how to treat you and ensure that even though you may falter at times, your boundaries will protect you from engaging with people and in situations that will harm you and ultimately cause you to dislike yourself.
Unconditional love of yourself means that even though there will be tough times, you won’t internalise other peoples poor behaviour and allow that to change your fundamental love of yourself or your ability to enforce your boundaries.
Caring for yourself means that you look out for you and don’t rely on other people to be your sole source of care. At the same time as me changing my love habits, I also addressed my health and my non romantic relationships. Act like someone who values herself and values the fact that they’re here. You are never powerless and you define your value by how you treat yourself, the situations you place yourself in, and how much you let the company you keep affect you.
Remember that the men you engage in poor relationships with often take the fact that you say you love them, or allow poor behaviour or have no boundaries as a cue to mistreat you. Nuff said.
Without trust you have nothing in relationships, so trust yourself in your relationship with you. Stop disregarding how you feel, your gut, your instincts, and your judgements because you need you and if you use these inbuilt tools, you’ll build your self-confidence because you will be happier from trusting yourself because you recognise poor situations and opt out, which in term builds your self-esteem.
So, what do you want? If it’s happiness, I suggest that you quit trying to achieve happiness with the same actions, and take a different route that starts with you.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
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2Kind,
Your post really breaks my heart, because I know how you feel. My xeum is currently dating an old friend of mine – although he’s said he doesn’t want a relationship with her, I can’t believe a word he says and I make up scenarios in my mind where they end up together. And he’s no longer calling me, so I KNOW he has someone else – he’s so needy. BUT, he didn’t want a (long distance) relationship with me either, so. The thing is, she is a mess! She’s a recovering Meth-addict, on Ridilin, she’s been arrested for drugs and domestic-abuse (her ex-husband), her marriage broke up when her husband found out she was sleeping with her boss (a married man), and she is currently sleeping with one of her bosses (also a MM). She lives with her Mom, pays child support (lost her kids) and has horrible credit. She pursued him and slept with him on the first date! I know these are all surface things but jeeezis! He said he would never get involved with someone struggling financially, or financially irresponsible again – he got messed around in his last relationship. I just don’t get it. Except that a lot of his girl “friends” are struggling. I think it makes him feel good about himself. And I certainly don’t. Oops, went off on a tangent there, but…
I wanted to say 2Kind, that if there were little things you did that he didn’t like, and he loved you, he could have told you and tried to work things out with you rather than moving on to the next girl. It goes back to his inability to commit to a relationship and making it work. And as NML says, many of these eums NEED someone with little to no boundaries. The new girl may actually want more too, but she is suffering in silence – not a place you’d want to be stuck!
@2Kind –
Your EUM was lazy, lazy, lazy. It wasn’t about you at all. What you did or did not do, it was about him not wanting to put forth the effort. He just simply couldn’t, wouldn’t or didn’t put any more effort into the relationship than he had to, and he wasn’t interested in what your needs may have been. It wasn’t part of his agenda, his agenda was about hanging out when HE wanted to hang out, calling when he felt like calling, and just giving you a few crumbs here and there. In the beginning they all like to do the chasing (blowing hot), but once the chase is over and you want more (because you’re beginning to have feelings for him which is normal). You want more of his time, more conversations, more text messages, etc. That’s when they pull away (blow cold). God forbid your needs matter, or that you should get more of anything. Selfish -selfish-selfish.
It’s just plain crazymaking, and this is exactly what NML is trying to teach us. If we know what we (EUW) want in a man, in our lives, in our careers and how to make ourselves happy then when we meet a Assclown we’ll know in short time what he’s all about and we’ll chose to walk away. We won’t keep trying to morph ourselves into what he wants us to be, or try harder, or anything else. We’ll be fine with who we are and tell him to use the EXIT door. And when he starts blowing hot, hot, hot after we tell him to leave, we won’t fall for his game playing drama and we’ll reject him.
We’ll love ourselves enough to keep ourselves busy doing things and being with people who we enjoy and who build us up not tear us down. We’ll just keep on going until we happen to meet another guy who doesn’t act like an AC and who really is interested in building a relationship, forming a bond, and is willing to work at the obstacles which come forth between you. As NML says these men do exist but we won’t find them until we get ourselves in proper working order.
You seem very smart, and articulate and deserve a relationship which builds on those fine qualities.
Thank you so much for yur posts, planetjane and betteroffwithouthim
i just cant believe that he would pursue something with me say he wanted certain things and then just turn the other cheek when i started to like him. What is someone supposed to think and do? I thought he was charming, handsome and everything he was saying was all the right things what did he think would happen? That I or some other woman wouldnt like him? That a relationship would start and he wouldnt have to do anything while he was in it? Do these men really think that they will find women who will stay with them like this? The other thing that bothers me is that he probably still doesnt see or think that there is something wrong with him. Im sure he is still walking around thinking that its me that wasn’t understanding or patient or loving enough. Its a lot to deal with because i just want him to hurt as much as i do. How dare he have another agenda? That is so wrong to me and i just wish he never would have approached me. I know he barely put an effort into the relationship, and now i feel like a complete jack ass for putting up with so little for so long. What was i thinking and how do i make him pay for this? im not one to be vengeful but he is getting away with something that i dont think is right. In the end he gets a new woman (or victim) and he continues to think he is great meanwhile i get the short end of the stick and left to pick my self up and my self esteem over someone who approached “me” to begin with!!!! How do they get away with these things? Its not right
if he was lazy lazy lazy, than i am stupid stupid stupid for having been with him
2kind bless you – I went through some very similar emotions shortly before finding this site. I still have thoughts that I wish I didn’t but please try to accept that you weren’t too much of anything other than too good for this sort of behaviour, which is why you stood your ground.
2kind, oh I’ve been where you are! Go back and read more posts about forgiving and loving yourself! Much of my life was one big relationship mistake after another, and it is only now that I realize that without valuing myself, noone else ever will. Try to stop beating yourself up – you sound like you have so much to offer – intelligence, sympathy, introspection – don’t waste it on him! We all make mistakes, but thank God we can learn from them and go on.
Punishing him would be fantastic, but he’ll never get it anyway. Try to get him out of your life and move on with your self-improvement agenda. Stay strong!
2Kind,
“STOP!” And I keep repeating it until my mind goes to something else. And I do it again. And again, throughout the day. It is one thing I’ve found to work. You might try it.
I’m in your same boat, and it is so hard to stop thinking about the situation and wondering what you did, and what you could have done differently, and what’s wrong with you, and what’s so right with her. It is nearly impossible. But it is all worthless because there are just no answers. And, several times with this jerk, I have worked myself into a miserable depression. That is just not acceptable to me anymore. The only thing left to do is move on. The only way to do that, that I’ve found, day to day is: whenever I start to think negatively about him and his new girl or him and me – meaning, in a way that HURTS me, I yell at myself – in my mind not out loud
You should read, Facing Love Addiction, by Pia Mellody also. It is fantastic.
2kind
omg I so much can relate to your post. But look at it this way, in the end this is good for you and here is why: He has shown you that he doesn’t deserve you by moving on to the next girl who could very well reflect himself (a total mess) . I know you don’t see it that way now because you are hurting and is normal but He truly has done you a favor because in your future you’ll look back and laugh at him for being so inmature and a jackass.
Don’t beat yourself up anymore!! Because no matter how “happy” and aloof to your feelings he might seem, trust me he DOES KNOW it and in time he will recognize this, they all do!! Would he ever admit that he made a big mistake? Maybe not because AC egos are too huge to put themselves in that position. But believe me He WILL IN TIME IN TIME HURT just as much or worse than you, is just relationship karma.
But right now try to focus on yourself, and like NML says take the focus off him and put it back to you, your happiness, your intelligence, your beauty, yourself. You are perfect just the way you are, nothing you had possibly done would make him “stay” probably only if you had become more of a dormat, and even then he may have not even stayed. He is unstable overall you cannot trust his word at all! He’s is at the early stage of having a new victim thats why he is behaving that way, just wait longer and you’ll see what happens. Nobody can change so sudden. I bet he is a very unhappy human being and his conscience will hurt much more when he find himself alone again.
Want to know the best revenge? Focus on yourself and yourself only, do things you like try to bring happiness back in spite the pain you are going through. Personally taking vacations going away and having a blast has been my best medication to pain so far.
And if he ever tries to contact you again, Ignore him at all cost don’t give him the time of the day he doesn’t deserve you period!!.
Hugs! xoxo Best to you! keep reading these post they definitely will help you through this.
2kind
One more thing, don’t beat yourself up because you stay for longer. Think of it this way, you were genuine with your love towards him and you truly tried to work things out because you loved him, had feelings for him, cared for him and you acted like a beautiful human being, someone who has a lot to offer and someone who is beautiful inside.
SOmeone with whom any decent well together guy would like to stay with!! Your job is done, you TRIED for that amount of time and now you know he won’t change and doesn’t care about you as much as you did about him. Yes its possible that you missed the red flags, because you believed in him, as he came and showed you in the beginning, pretending to be genuine but HE WASN’T. That is called playing MIND GAMES, to get what he wants and then run away to the next victim. See how SELFISH he was?
Feel good that you did your best because you believed in the relationship but He lied to you about his real intentions. This is why he doesn’t deserve you and relationship karma will bite him in his ass sooner than later. Feel happy and good about yourself because you didn’t do anything wrong, you believed you tried you loved, it didn’t work out, don’t force it, it is not meant to be, you deserve so much better than that!
Ladies,
Look, second-guessing comes with the territory. My friend who has been with NC for nearly two years, called me this morning and said that she did not know, maybe SHE dropped the ball with her relationship with her AC/EUM. Two years come September, and she still has days that she is still blaming herself. I hate to admit this, but she had woke me up, and I got a little rough with her, but damn it, enough feeling sorry for yourself. Do you realize that it is sooooo much easier to blame yourself than to accept what you did and WORK on you. Forgive yourself. Realize that screwed up is screwed up and nothing you did with these AC/EUM’s changed them into the screwed up a**es they have always been. There is no magic answer. At some point, all of us need to buck up and take it like the strong women we really are. We can’t fix everything.
My first experience with my AC/EUM I was still young and living at home. I was chasing this thing, and my mom finally told me that he was just using me and controlling me. She MADE me stop contact. She explained the controlling, the self-centered behavior, but only one time. My mom didn’t mince words, and I did not have the luxury of asking her after she explained it. She told me I would hear from him (I, of course thought, yeah, right), but a little over a year after my NC and yep, here he was. I blamed my mom for being really mean to me for not allowing me to talk to her, but I really do think that she did me a favor in the long run. Yeah, I had questions, I thought I needed answers, but the actions gave me everything I needed. I know that everyone heals at different rates, but we really do NEED to toughen up a little. Yes, you will have good days, you will have bad days. But I won’t even give them the satisfaction (whether they know it or not) of giving them the POWER to ruin my day. Done that, and I refuse to go there again. You ladies are a lot stronger than you think you are.
Sorry for the rant. I’ve only had 3hours of sleep. I love this site. Wished I had it when I first experienced my AC (oops, long before the internet!).
@ txwoman,
It seems kind of harsh, and a but of a “guy” thing, to jump in and “fix” her problem. I imagine she mostly wanted to hear “Yeah, getting over stuff like that is a bitch. I was going to make cookies this afternoon – you busy?”
Actually, I am guessing. I don’t know that much about girl talk. But if she is calling you, and not him, then she is likely feeling vulnerable, and would benefit as much from a distraction as anything else.
. . . I have my Mom’s raisin oatmeal cookie recipe if you need it. Or read it off the back of the Quaker Oats box.
i think another reason as to why we as women get involved with these loser assclowns could have a lot to do with the relationships we have with our fathers. Statistics have shown that girls/women who do not have good relationships with their fathers (or any relationship at all) are more likely to get involved with men who disrespect them, undervalue them, use them, abuse them etc.
i can speak for myself in this matter because i know that my strained- pretty much non-existent relationship wtih my dad has really affected how i feel about men and also the kind of men i seem to attract..my dad has never been the kind of father figure that ive always wanted and needed in my life and i feel like that somehow doesnt bring me to the same level that i see strong, smart, self-assured woman who would consider themselves “daddy’s girls” -i dont wanna lay the blame and take away any responsibility i have for my actions and choices that ive made since im an adult and i make my own decisions but sometimes i wonder if things (my life) would be different if that father-daughter relationship were different..
Ria,
The connection may be similar to “just like daddy”, but I think it might be a bit more personal.
I think we learn to live in a family from our growing up years. We learn the behavior of our parents – how Dad and Mom interact, their apparent expectations and habits, the way they communicate and cooperate. And then we take that life’s experience and pick someone that acts and reacts as the adults did in our childhood.
There will be those lucky few that grew up in a mostly functional home, and choose a companion that is mostly functional – and those people have a reasonable shot at making a mostly functional life for themselves, their family, and to be a resource for their community.
Others of us take a lifetime to realize that our habits and fundamental beliefs are skewed from what successful and happy people do and live. Our challenge is to create for ourselves better actions, reactions, expectations of what we are, what we are to do, and who we should pick as a partner.
Whether what influences us is the family interactions of our childhood, or our image of our mother or father, we still face the problem of identifying aspects of our assumptions about being part of a couple or family that we have to learn or invent new values for.
Brad K.´s last blog ..br: The practice doll
I’ve been reading this site for about 3 weeks now – I read it every day and will continue reading it every day for as long as it takes to stop the insanity. It makes me cry – for myself and for all the women on here whose comments I read. What the hell happened to all of us???
I am 53 now and I am still beautiful most people guess my age at 40-45), I have a good figure and I’m very intelligent and successful. I’ve got two gorgeous children and I’m a good parent. I have a group of close friends with whom I have excellent relationships and with whom I can set boundaries, and who treat me with care, kindness and respect. I have been working on improving my relationships with men for a long time having worked out that I attract EUMs about 3 years ago. I had set good boundaries and finished relationships which were clearly not going anywhere and then earlier this year I decided to take a break from dating and felt fantastic – everything was going very well and then a guy got in touch off a dating site which I’d forgotten to delete myself off and he seemed so much like what I’d been looking for I decided to date him. The first couple of dates went really well and then he pulled back and I challenged him on it and he apologised and then we had a couple more good dates and then he again pulled back a bit and I was really disappointed because we had been getting on so well and shared so many common interests. At that point I was really clear that he was EUM and told him so and that I didn’t want to pursue things any more, but – and I can’t quite pinpoint how he did this – I got sucked back in and my mind quite literally ‘flipped a switch’ and I found myself in an obsessional state about him that I don’t remember feeling since at least 10 years ago. I was aware of it, but couldn’t shake it and found myself emotionally really vulnerable. I saw him once more to collect a piece of furniture he’d given me and being with him was so powerful it really shook me up. Luckily I never even got beyond a kiss with him (I am wiser about that stuff now) and actually he is actively working on his issues and was very honest about his EU once I called him on it. That isn’t the problem – the problem for me is that it’s totally shaken my confidence because I wonder why I still attracted him. Though on the other hand I should be pleased because I was very clear about what he was doing and actually only had around 6 meetings with him before going to NC which I’ve kept up. But still – reading this site makes me feel even less confident because I just wonder if I will ever lose whatever it is that makes me vulnerable. At the moment I think I am never going to experience a fulfilling relationship in my life and I think I have to resign myself to giving up on that hope and just concentrating on all the great things that are going on. It makes me sad because I’ve always imagined myself with a really nice man but over-50s men seem even less interested in commitment than younger men and the ones who are single are either messed up or grieving widowers.
I wish I’d learned this stuff years ago
Raven, I totally relate..the old switcharooo trick..what is that! I put it down to the moment we say no..they hot it up and really work on making us beleive its for real and then they disappear for just long enough, we pine for them just fora moment and them bam.. it’s like they have an internal monitor when they know the switch goes on… we pursue, even if it’s one phone call!! they back off, their game just got interesting, ours just got miserable!
Damn shame is what it is. Shame on them!
Raven–
When you first met this “man”–personally and/or through the site–were you in a state of transition in your life? For example, had you just gone through a move; and/or had you just started a new job; etc.?
What struck me in what you wrote:
1. You had just cleaned up all loose ends in your life–and knew that you had done so–just before meeting this “man”;
2. You knew you did the right thing by calling him on his behavior (though I personally would have said nothing, watched his words and actions on all dates, and subsequently left him without an explanation–by rule, I feel that adult men and “men” like this do not need personal teachers/psychotherapists/mothers/sisters/etc. as dates/girlfriends/romantic interests), however, in any event, you recognized his bad behavior and lack of respect and acted on it: good for you!;
3. You found yourself emotionally vulnerable, and still find yourself emotionally vulnerable.
#3 is due to:
A. The fact that you were in some sort of transitional state. We know as a fact that you had just dealt with cleaning up loose ends, so to speak, before you met him. You also were re-entering the dating scene. You may have been subject to or party to other transitional events. In any event, you were psychologically in a transitional part of your life. THIS CAUSES FEELINGS OF VULNERABILITY IN ALL WOMEN, in ALL people. It’s like starting a new school year: the fear, the apprehension–it’s all there!
B. Not many “datable” men are out there, the older you get, so fewer opportunities exist. BUT: not many “datable” (or even interesting) men exist from the time we hit 18 forward. Also, though so many men (and “men”/man-boys, like yours) have a plethora of good women to choose from, they often wind up with bitchy women, lazy women, gossipy women, etc. So don’t feel bad! They have always either been bad, or had bad judgment.
BTW, those women who are bad sometimes do “luck out” (despite their bad reputations, etc.) by virtue of being smart in one area: their friendships. Either they or their parents/friends hand with good people, honestly good, decent, kind, loving people who introduce them to good guys.
I was “guilty” of having been in a vulnerable, transitional state when I met the EUM, and of having had bad friends, all through life. Bad company (whether it’s guys you date, or your friends, etc.) makes life WAYYYY more difficult than it needs to be.
Once, I told my former best friend that the EUM resembled someone I knew professionally, someone whose office is very close to mine. Several months later, another mutual friend’s husband brought up this man’s name; I said I knew this man through my work, and “how small a world is that”. Now, the EUM and all of these mutual friends of ours live and work VERY far away from this man. Guess what? I just found out that the EUM sought out (and used) this man’s services recently! How weird is that?
Bottom line:
1. Be wary of the company you keep;
2. Women’s jealousy of each other, competitiveness, or otherwise petty behavior (e.g., gossip!) is what these “men” thrive on: they exploit it for their own ends. [This makes me VERY sad, because we as women can not have real friends. Hence the necessity of this site, and others like it.];
3. The internet is a dangerous tool, as well, for these “men”. It creates a field-day situation for them. A field “day” that lasts for all of the days of their lives, if they don’t actively CHOOSE to change–and they usually don’t!
Be proud of what youhave accomplished and that you used your judgment correctly. Sadly, hasving used mine correctly has caused me to have lost invitations to more than a few mutual friends’ parties…all because of a jerk who I (like you) dated only a handful of times! It’s hits hard in the holiday season!
But, all in all, people (good or bad) know what the truth is, and that I acted well, and with class.
(BTW, the EU “man” never changed, even with marriage. He checks out women–including me–continuously, behind his wife’s back, all the time. Despite his family/daughter, wife, and mother-in-law’s presence! These people are NOT normal!)
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