At the time, he assured me that the divorce was definitely going ahead and there was no chance of reconciliation. He said they’d grown apart, they wanted different things, and just couldn’t see eye to eye about a lot of stuff. I took him at his word but a year on, they’re not divorced yet (or even close) and twice he’s said that he’s crazy about me but that he thinks he should give his marriage another shot. He then claims they’re working at things but keeps calling me. The first time it happened was devastating and the second time, I lost it with him, and yet…I’m still waiting for him to do the right thing.
I would never have got involved with him if I’d known that he was separated and I certainly wouldn’t have stayed if I’d known it was going to be like this. I don’t know what to do. When I try to get something concrete from him, he tells me to stop pressuring him and that “Six years is a long time you know Renee! You can’t just expect me to throw it away!”. I’m crazy about him and I don’t want to feel like I’ve wasted a year – I’m 38, I don’t have time to waste! But I don’t want to be treated like this either and I’ve been reading your site and am worried I’m with a Mr Unavailable. Do you think I should wait for him? What if he just needs some time?
Renee, I have two words for you – Get.Out. Actually, make it three – Get.Out.Fast.
I don’t want to rain on the parade of separated folk everywhere but there is a reason why they’re ‘separated’ – it’s because they’re not divorced and are still married, and that in itself adds a complicating factor to any new relationship they get involved in. I’m not saying that separated people can’t date, however, many separated people start dating and think later.
The separated people that are dangerous to date, overestimate what they think they’re capable of being involved in and how genuinely interested they are in you, and then start backtracking quicker than you can say ‘But I thought you said you were getting divorced!’.
You shouldn’t be worried that you might be with a Mr Unavailable – you should be highly concerned about the fact that you are involved with a Mr Unavailable. If you were with a separated person who was ready to move on, he wouldn’t be trying to reconcile with his wife!
In your case, it’s a bit like a violation of the trade description act. You’ve brought a product under the impression that it is and does as described and have discovered that it doesn’t and are the disgruntled customer who wants what she paid for – the man you met is not on offer.
The man you met a year ago, was footless and carefree on a night out. He was charming, appeared to share the same interests, and you seemed to have similar backgrounds. He was supposedly single and eager to date you. He just left out the rather hefty problem of the fact that he’s not actually single. He’s married, separated, and in spite of the fact that the divorce was supposed to be definite, it’s not so definite that he can’t park you in limbo land whilst he asks for some ‘time out’ to go back to his wife to work on things.
You’re with that very non committal Mr Unavailable – can’t commit to being with you, can’t commit to not being with you, and can’t commit to an outcome.
You’re an ‘option’ to him. He’s keeping you on ice and should he ever see fit to leave his wife, he wants the assurance that there is someone else out there pining for him and believing in a future with him. Mega ego stroke alert!
You should never allow yourself to be regarded as someone’s ‘option’.
Your relationship with him started out being based on a lie and he himself didn’t believe in how over his marriage was because he didn’t see fit to tell you until you were already emotionally invested – but you were invested in what you thought was a single man. It’s not a little omission – it’s a big one that fundamentally affected the ability for your relationship to progress.
The trouble with this deception is that by not being upfront he removed the right for you to decide what you 1) want to be involved in and 2) what you’re comfortable with. You probably would have proceeded more cautiously and asked more crucial questions and opted out when it became apparent that this isn’t a healthy situation to be involved in.
But you want to know if you should wait – that’s the last thing you should do.
When you wait for non-commital guys, they continue to believe that you’re an option but they also feel no great impetus to change.
They get to fanny around in indecision whilst you sideline your life and put a serious dent in your self-esteem waiting around for them. It’s draining and demeaning to wait for someone to choose. If he’s going to leave and divorce her, he’ll leave and divorce her. He was married and separated before you met him – him divorcing shouldn’t and isn’t dependent on you.
The fact of the matter is, he said there was no chance of a reconciliation but he’s gone back twice and the divorce is in no danger of showing up. If six years is such a long time and he’s making dumb, patronising statements about you expecting him to throw it away, why is he around you? Six years is always going to be six years. On the basis of that reason, he’ll never divorce her.
People that are working at their marriages, don’t keep calling up someone else to make sure that they have all of their options covered. Even when he says he’s giving his marriage another try, he’s uncommitted and can’t even work at his marriage without creeping around calling you!
You say you don’t have time to waste – whilst we can’t know all that lies in store for us when we become involved with someone, the idea of those early weeks and months of dating is to work out whether you should proceed ahead and whether your early perceptions hold up, or whether the reality is very different and you should halt, or abort the mission. Whilst he is leading you up and down the garden path, ultimately it’s you who is going back and not heeding the warnings of his flip flapping behaviour.
If he’s really getting divorced and he really wants to be in a relationship with you, tell him to come back when he’s free to be with you properly and accept nothing in between that because you’ve already tried that and it hasn’t worked and how could you trust that he wouldn’t continue to flip flap back to her?
Get on with your own life and access your own willingness to be in a relationship. You say you don’t have time to wait and it sounds like you want to be in a relationship, and yet you’re involved with someone who isn’t actually available to you and is undecided about who he wants to be with. If you really want a relationship, even though it may empty out your pool a bit, it is better to focus your energy on people who offer likelier prospects for relationships instead of people who resist it.
You don’t have to treat this guy like a last chance saloon. I wouldn’t even begin to suggest that dating is easy, because it’s not, but this is not the type of compromising you should be getting involved in. Being with this man has you being and doing things that you are not comfortable with and are not representative of your values.
You’re right to question what he’s doing but he has given you an answer even if it isn’t directly and whilst I appreciate that you feel emotionally invested in him, his marriage takes priority. That in itself gives you an answer.
You are not compatible at present. It doesn’t matter if you both like the same music, food, high brow books, and yada yada yada. It doesn’t matter if you have similar backgrounds because those things don’t mean jack to the relationship right now because they are not things that make the relationship work.
You may have plenty in common on the interests front but on the value front and what you both want at this time, you’re incompatible and that’s what counts.
Don’t make the mistake of assuming that just because he’s been married before that it must mean that he’s capable of commitment because plenty of people get married without being capable of actually being committed.
I don’t think that he needs more time and you have to ask what you’re giving him time to do – to make up his mind about you? To try out his marriage again?
Don’t wait and don’t give him more time – they are two things that he’s already had and it’s not giving you a great result. Take action and get on with your own life. If this is real, it’ll still be real when he’s divorced. If you stay and wait, you won’t like who you become and if he finally divorces, you might feel like you got the booby prize.
Your thoughts? Have you waited for a flip flapping separated guy? What would you do?
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well I am in a very similar situation except he has been separated for 3 years, his ex wife is actually in a new relationship and just had a baby. He is at the moment getting the divorced finalized and has hinted many times he would like to date me when this whole legal process is over. I guess the fact that he is right now getting divorce is the least of the problems, I think I am have more problems with the fact that 1. she is giving him so many problems and trying to get as much money as she gets out of it which in turn makes him frustrated. and 2 he works for an airline and his schedule is umpredictable. When I asked what was the cause of his divorce he said they just didn’t get along. But I am guessing his schedule could be one of the reasons for it. I like what I know about him so far, in fact he is the extreme opposite of the last AC. But I am right now weighting on how worth would it be to give it a chance. What do you guys think, what would you do in my position?
I agree with Natalie,…and I feel with all you have already invested emotionally,…You will, in fact, feel like you received the “booby prize,”…as his emotional investment in you hasn’t even begun. You will feel exhausted and anxious if he actually does come around because your emotional expectations of him are so low already. He has already dumbed down your expectations,…and you don’t even have a real relationship yet. Move on to someone who is worth your energy.
I would never wait! After I had been together with my ex for one year, he suddenly told me that he and his ex wife were just separated not divorced. Then it was more than seven years since he moved out! How could I have known that they were not divorced. Because you never asked, he said. Now I feel stupid that I just thought they were divorced because it had been finished for such a long time, and he had had three long term relationships after that.
He always talked about the ex as if they were totally finished with one each other. But later I clearly saw that she was always in the background. I finally broke it when he and the ex wife (that is in fact not really an ex wife!) were planning a holiday together at her 50th birthday. Finally my pride told me to get out! And I haven’t talked with him after that day. I feel so free! He was indeed a real AC.
The former classmate whom I met last spring had been with her guy for six years or so. She sure was on the fence. I’m just gladI did not let myself go too much. My not having any desire to be in a relationship ended up always kickig in. And if I were to have any desires to be in a relationship, I don’t think waiting on her would be a good idea.
Katty0001,
A couple of things stand out to me in regards to your post…
1) He’s been separated for 3years???? That’s an awfully long time to be separated from someone he claims he wasn’t getting along with.
2) In your own words, he’s ‘HINTED’ that he would like to date you once the legal process of divorce is over. He’s only ‘hinting’ on the possibility of dating you because he wants you to wait on the ‘sideline’ as his divorce proceedings are finalized; therefore, you are essentially an ‘option’ to him.
3) You’re making ‘their’ business ‘your’ business. In your words, “she is giving him so many problems and trying to get as much money as she gets out of it which in turn makes him frustrated.” That’s not your problem, that’s ‘their’ problem, so let him deal with it. You are not part of his divorce proceedings, your name is not on any part of the legal documentation for the divorce. This is the exact reason why you should uproot yourself from this situation. Your frustration as a result of his frustration from his divorce proceedings is a red flag that he is simply not ‘ready’ to commit to you at this time.
4) “he works for an airline and his schedule is umpredictable.” You stated that a possible reason for their divorce was due to his schedule…What makes you think that his unpredictable schedule will work for you, now and in the near future?
5) You favorably compared him to the last AC you dated?! Why would you compare him to an Assclown? Maybe he has visible signs of assclownery that you may possibly be overlooking. Not a good sign.
Katty, I’m a firm believer that the way a relationship starts is a telltale sign of how it will continue, and ultimately end in some cases. At the moment you are starting as an option. Is this what you really want? Good luck.
I could not agree with you more…if you want to know the true indication of how a relationship will be it really is all there in the beginning. I cannot tell you how many redflags I ignored, because I thought I met such a great guy. Within a week of getting to know him, he disappeared and I heard nothing from him for a couple of days. He gave me some excuse about a broken cell and instead of letting my intution lead the way I gave him a chance. I cannot tell you how many times since then he has done the disappearing act….sometimes he offered excuses other times he did not.
Anyway, my point is that because I chose to ignore the redflags and see only what I wanted I did not immediately recognize that this was an AC…until I was already emotionally invested. I don’t know why we refuse to accept what these AC’s are telling us. Lately, I have started listening to actions. I am starting to pay attention to how I feel when I meet guys…if I feeling comfortable right away then I step back and examine that. In most cases my comfort is not necessarily a good thing.
Thank you for your responses ladies. I actually think you are both right even when it feels different from my side. You have some valid points but because of hope I may be missing a lot of red flags. One thing tho I am not frustrated, I see the frustration in him, I am not as invested at this point because we are not even dating. But apart from all this like I mentioned before this is the least of problems, I was already having major doubts on the type of job he has. Even if he is a decent man I honestly think I’ll have problems with seeing him only when his schedule suits him. Thank you for reassuring this wasnt a good decision.
Honestly my heart goes out to this girl at the same time as realizing after the second time she knew. It’s hard to walk away when you start to fall for someone regardless of their petty, selfish and cheap ways of keeping her around. She is not the one who asked for this. she asked to be with him. I think your answer is right in the first few words. get out fast! Don’t be an option. Who lieks to be an option when you know you are worth soooo much more! You deserve to have someone who wants to treat you weel and put you first. Regardless of his answer ” You can’t just toss away 6 years.” The dude was willing to, now he’s not. Personally I think he is a coward for having done what he did to you and I am sorry that happened. He is mroe so a coward because he is going back to her. He is just being needy. Really when it comes down to it,don’t you want to be with a confident man who doesn’t carry this bullshit! Easier to say that to do. I knwo to well with certain things myself even at the age of 30.
Go find you a good man. Don’t waste your time pine-ing over him. Get out there and meet someone. Morn it like you need to and move on to what you deserve!!
Get out. Don’t wait for him. And don’t even tell him to ‘go sort his stuff out and come back when he’s ready’. Do you really want to be with a man who is going around dating while trying to reconcile with his wife? I don’t think so. The way he talks to you is unacceptable, you deserve much better than this AC I’m afraid.
Also, if you tell him to ‘go sort his stuff out and come back after’ you’ll always have him at the back of your mind and this may prevent you from meeting and getting involved with a man who is single and deserves all of your attention. The best thing is to forget him completely, get through the ‘breakup’ and move on. I don’t see anything good coming out of this, it will certainly be a waste of more time. Stay strong xoxo
I completely agree!
Why wait for him to decide if he wants to incorporate you into his life, he should know already. He’s given you all the info, listen and move on.
“‘You’re an ‘option’ to him. He’s keeping you on ice and should he ever see fit to leave his wife, he wants the assurance that there is someone else out there pining for him and believing in a future with him. Mega ego stroke alert!” Now these are wise words, thank you Natalie!!!
We should never accept being an option (and don’t we teach best what we most need to learn!)
Katty – wow, that brought back memories. One of my closest friends was so in love with a guy. The estranged wife was with someone else and even had children. However my friend’s boyfriend, the separated husband, ended up accepting those children as his. My friend had no option but to leave even though he wanted her to stay. The wife and kids didn’t live in the same city.
Years later she heard from him and he was long since divorced, said he still loved her and yet he never did follow her up. She thinks it may be that if he ever came back to her the children may find out… What a mess! Luckily she had moved on!
No matter the situation, I agree with another comment above – do not get involved in ‘their’ business.
Like the old saying goes, if you love something set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours to keep. If it doesn’t, it never was.
However a footnote here is – make sure if he comes back you are not continuing to be an option. He is either serious or out that door.
Stay strong ladies (yes, I am also talking to me!) – the right one will be there when we have become the right partner.
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Find True Love: What if He’s Not Interested? =-.
As a child, I witness first hand how hurtful cheaters are. My own Father involved us all in his infedility and brought in pain, misery, drama, confusion, anger, despair and I was on the other side of how cheating husband act, except I saw it as a child.
My Father knew what he was doing. He was putting my Mom through the same flip-flopping, except, he was kinder to my Mom and scared. He apologized up and down, promising it would never happen again. I was only about 4 years old and parents don’t realize that some kids have memories as young as a 1 year old – at least I did.
My Father still cheated on my Mom. He used to use me as a tool to get out of the house, he’d have me in the car and drive over to his mistresses house. He’d carry me in his arms and the mistress was very nice to me. She used to give me my favourite candies and allowed me to drink soda while I watched tv. My Father and his mistress would go to the kitchen, quiet for a few minutes and then the arguement would start. She used to ask him, “when, when are you going to leave her?” and my Father used to say, “baby, just hang on, I just need to handle a few things about the kids and then I’ll file for divorce”. My Father strung the poor woman along and yeah, he eventually left my Mom, but he left with some new woman. My FAther was a dog and his poor mistress waited 3 years for nothing. I remember seeing her at a family party she tried to crash. She was crying, she looked like shit, she looked like she hasn’t eaten or slept and the whole family witnessed my Father’s embarassing life event. I saw her again when I was in my 20s and she remembered me… she was still unmarried, dating another married man and she was in her 50s by then, I believe. I will always remember her as the mistress who wasted her time and never learned anything from my Father.
One thing I learned from my Father, a cheater will always be a cheater. If he’s capable of doing something like this to the woman he promised God that he’d cherish, he can do something worse to anybody else. I vowed at that age NEVER stay with my husband who stray, and I didn’t.
Always do the right thing. It’s never easy, but it’s the right thing to do.
Sherry
I waited for one who I totally thought was ‘Mr. Right” for FOUR years!!!
Wasted years. Foolish, hope-filled, delusionary years – because he was a LIAR and a manipulator.
And I lied to myself by not seeing the red flags of lots of talk and very little action.
While he was everything to me and my emotional focus — with hindsight, in cold reality I was merely his “option” and his ego stroke.
.
Natalie called it correctly. I was waaaaay more emotionally invested than he was. I was AVAILABLE – he only pretended to be.
I had cooperated in what ended up being unbelievably painful heartbreak for me. A hard lesson to learn – and ultimately a helpful one.
A man who says he is leaving hasn’t already left yet.
He isn’t free to be with you.
A man who says he is getting a divorve isn’t divorced yet, hasn’t gone through the healing process yet, in all likelihood hasn’t addressed his OWN issues that led to the deterioration of his marriage.
He isn’t free to be with you.
A man who isn’t consistently emotionally, intellectually, physically, financially and spiritually AVAILABLE to you today, this week and this month isn’t worth waiting for.
You can wait to win the lottery too.
Don’t wait for him. You don’t notice HIM waiting around for you week after month after year, do you?
And you aren’t earning his respect and loyalty by waiting. He’ll just take you for granted because he knows he’s feeding you a line of b.s. and you’re buying into it!
Get on with your life. And be with a man who you don’t have to wait for, and who wants you enough to not expect you to wait for him.
Think about it – if you REALLY want something, don’t you go after it?
If he wanted you, he’d make himself available and it would be obvious things were moving so fast that you wouldn’t be anxious or feeling time pass that shouldn’t be!
.-= Aurora´s last blog ..Caterpillar to Butterfly =-.
I don’t think it’s so bad to not mention he is separated..for a couple of dates…for the right reason, which is; if he really IS separated and it’s done and over, then it’s not your business for a few dates …but he said he deliberately omitted this out of a sense that you might not give him a chance…that REEKS of guilt and secrecy and that’s a big foreshadowing to what would come
If you get out now, YOU get to make the decision and that will be easier than having him choose his ex wife (OR ANOTHER WOMAN) over you.
Where there’s one lie, there’s a pile of lies. He’s wasting your time. Get out while you only have a year invested in him, and not two , three or ten!
If he actually DOES get the divorce, personally i’d ask to see the paperwork cuz it doesn’t sound like he’s very forthcoming about the truth of their relationship
and if he’s too much of a pansy to leave her and get on with his life, who wants that? a pansy?
“You may have plenty in common on the interests front but on the value front and what you both want at this time, you’re incompatible and that’s what counts.”
These words are so simple, yet so true and, ultimately, for somebody both emotionally invested in another person (whether deserving or undeserving) and trusting in the fact that a real connection exists between them, the hardest thing to hear. But there comes a certain point when we have to look at ourselves, what we want and cut our losses. It may hurt and you may experience the occasional setback, but it’s such a liberating and ultimately inspiring moment.
I say that based on my own confusing experience. I wasn’t involved with a married/separated guy, but I was involved in a very dysfunctional long-distance “relationship” with somebody who wouldn’t commit because the time wasn’t right, geography wasn’t right, it was impossible and impractical, blah, blah. At the end of the day, all excuses and hurtful and demeaning ones. After all, that didn’t stop him from talking to me on a daily basis, sending me Christmas gifts, talking about how jealous he was when I was hanging out with other men. What in the world was he doing with somebody who didn’t fit any of his relationship requirements? He was lonely, bored and a user. But he only used me because I let him. The better question and one I started asking myself only in the painful aftermath of the situation was what in the world was I doing with somebody who didn’t even consider me a real option?
We stopped talking last February–after he refused to allow me to visit him and then suggested coming and stopping by and seeing me since work was sending him my way. That’s when I knew the madness needed to stop. I had always been one of those people who believed that “life happened” and that I just had to roll with the punches and let time work its magic, but something about our final conversation convinced me otherwise. I didn’t have to respond to his emails or gchat messages or listen to him whine about how hard his life was anymore. In short, I learned to say no (thanks to reading this blog, other books and articles about healthy relationships and boundaries) and I’m a much happier person for it.
Oddly enough, he wrote to me about a month ago–the first time in over a year–and it was clear that while he hadn’t changed in the least, I had changed dramatically. I could see him for who he was–his lack of emotional depth and foolish belief that he could just come right back and pick up where we had left off….But that ship has sailed and it no longer even makes me sad or regretful. I agree with AML and Gayle: get out now, close the door and bolt it. You’re better off alone than with this weak and confused man. Even if you believe you’ll never find a better man for yourself (and, clearly, that’s not true, though these things are never easy), better to cultivate your relationship with yourself than live according to somebody else’s time-table.
Renee,
Let me use a word that NML left out of her reply. Cheating. As in, he has a primary relationship, though that seems to waver between his marriage and his separation, but that is his primary relationship. Time spent away from that relationship – like, for instance, dating you – is cheating his primary relationship of time, energy, and attention that is already owed. Cheating. Not to mention that until the divorce is finalized, he risks committing adultery before God, the state, and the neighbors. Just because everyone does it, it doesn’t make for good character traits. In fact, just the opposite.
Here is a worn out homily to consider, to. Don’t throw good money after bad. You put honest attention and energy into this thing from the start. Once you discovered he was wildly eager to deceive you about anything (like, not being available, risks of current and future child support and/or alimony payments for life, a wife and kids he still cares for, and who knows what else) to get to chat with you. That doesn’t make his admiration and devotion “cute” or “romantic”. That means he doesn’t respect you as a companion and partner – but he does see you as a fantasy he gets to play with and put away and never have to be responsible for.
I don’t think you should wait. But just asking that question, I think, implies something unsavory. Because the issue isn’t tomorrow, and what to do then. I am convinced that he would be a disaster in your life if he showed up at your door in the next ten minutes with signed and sealed divorce in hand – and for your own good, your only choice should be to send him off forever.
His divorce, or delay is not the problem. His separation, and even deceiving you about it isn’t the problem. The delay isn’t the problem. The problem with trying to be close to this guy is that he isn’t real, he doesn’t respect himself and you – or he would never have considered asking anyone out until he was free, and was pretty sure that he had dealt with the loss of his marriage – and with whatever problems he brought to the marriage that caused it to collapse.
He picked you up, got your number – it sounds like an experienced dating technique. The last thing anyone needs for a life-partner prospect is – someone dating anyone interesting. Because the professional daters will keep dating. Promise.
In any even, his lack of character shows in asking you to wait, or defending his attention to his wife and family. The family is his responsibility. He cannot have any discipline, any decency, any honor or respect, and still spend time with you while he still has this primary relationship in his life.
Walk away from him. Now. Stop enabling this man’s cheating. You risk warping your judgment and honesty.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..br: Read the fine print, then watch against changes =-.
Renee, I second NML’s Get Out Fast. As Brad and others have said, this man has demonstrated a clear lack of character. I’m amazed you didn’t run when you heard him say he wanted to give his marriage another shot. Ask yourself why are you willing to settle for so little? He has no motive to make concrete change as long as you are waiting in the wings.Even if he were to finalise his divorce tomorrow, your relationship is tainted. He has treated you with total disregard; don’t treat yourself the same way.
I would echo what has been said here – get out !! I had the same experience – met a guy when we were both working overseas. He said he was divorced. This actually was true. However, it later turned out he was divorced from his first wife and ‘separated’ from his second one. He managed to convince me I was the most unique, wonderful, most perfect woman he had ever met in his life and that as soon as his second divorce came through we would be together. However, over time he let me know he had cheated on his second wife before they were separated on a few occasions and been somewhat economical with the truth. Now he is going through the divorce process, but I have moved on and know he will never really be available in the way he said.
He has many good qualities – like Rennee’s man – charming, great company, easy to get on with, good conversationalist, intelligent, good looking, lots of friends – in fact a great catch so I thought! However, the factors of real integrity, honesty, empathy and maturity were missing.
Good advice here NML – again! And Renee – do get out before your heart gets broken.
Well I had a fabulous holiday in the Middle East, with someone who was a friend who was separated. I should have left it as that but I consider the experience and just an experience, which lasted too little to have impact. Killed the friendship tho. My advice is go make yourself ready to meet someone worth the effort (and that will come when you are not looking for it).
Should you wait heck no!
I met someone who ws separated while I was separated…and we moved in together while we both were..however I obtained a divorce. Thinking at the time that I wasn’t really looking for a real commitment, I wasn’t initially concerned about his status..things changed for me. I grew to really love this man, we have been together for 5 years now and he is still separated…has talked about divorcing first he said that it was the money…now says that he doesn’t want to hurt his “22 year old daughter”…let’s just say that woke me up..I realize now that he is unemotionally available and will never get a divorce..so as painful as it is (I need to figure out why???) I am leaving him..our condo is up for sale and I am counting my blessings…
Ok, everybody, repeat after me! Separated = Still married, Separated = Still married, Separated = Still married, Separated = Still married, Separated = Still married…
A few months ago, I briefly dated a separated man. I let him kiss me ONCE, but I never slept with him. I found out that one of the main reasons he was separated was because he had cheated on his wife numerous times (all for very good reasons…right?! Hah!) They also had a daughter, 15, who didn’t seem like a very pleasant person, so I not only told him I couldn’t see or talk to him any more, I also told him to GO FIX HIS MARRIAGE! I was married to a cheater who left me with 3 little kids when he ran off with his girlfriend. It was horrible. Don’t let these men get away with it! ALWAYS do the right thing, you’ll never regret it. Good luck!
OMG! Get out and don’t look back! I just went through the unique version of hell called “dating a separated man” and after 9 months of an exhausting roller coaster ride, I’m left feeling betrayed, broken hearted and totally played! This guy was about 6 months out of his separation from his wife when I met him, has 5 kids, ranging from 5-17 and contacted me on a dating site. One thing I will give him is that he did not lie about his status, so I did make the choice to be involved. I kept asking him if he thought he was really ready for dating and a relationship and he kept telling me he is over his ex and ready to move on..” yeah, right!!
This man went into hot pursuit days after we had our first date; he sent flowers, called, texted, wined and dined me…he was literally tripping over himself to be with me!! He basically told me everything I wanted to hear..He was kind, thoughtful, sweet, nurturing and a great dad, which I respected. In a matter of weeks, we were very hot and heavy. I tried to pace things, but this guy was in love…and nothing would stop him…
The first red flag came about a month into it, when he had a huge phone blow out with his wife in my bathroom. He came out, looking dejected, and eventually told me that he was thinking of going back to his wife, not because he loved her, but “for the kids’ sake…” because she had threatened to move his kids out of state. I immediately told him to leave my house and leave me alone. I was crushed and disappointed, but life would go on..
A few days later, he calls me telling me how stupid he was and how he wants to stay with me and he made a mistake and he never wants to be apart from me. Like a dumb ass, I took him back. Things were good for a while, then months followed where he never, ever had time for me…I was dead last on his list of priorities…I would see him once in a while only when he had time, due to his other “family” responsibilities. He was always upset, stressed and would try to spend time with me, but was always preoccupied and emotionally distant… It got so frustrating and maddening to feel like my time with him had to revolve around his schedule…and if I said anything, he would make me feel needy or guilty for needing more “couple time” with him, even though I only asked for one evening a week. (Fine, if you have so little time, then you should not be dating.) I have two kids myself, so I appreciate family time, but this guy never had a spare minute…yet he tried to fit me in, kept calling, kept making promises of OUR future together, yes, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, yes, he loves me, etc, etc…I met his family, we spent holidays with his family, after a few months, our children started having play dates together.. He did not have a lot of time, but he was consistent in his actions, did contact me when apart and ACTED like we were in a committed relationship. I was really starting to believe that he was “the one”..
And then, one day outta the blue, after 9 months of waiting around, being patient and just trying to “give him time” to sort things out, I confronted him and asked him when his divorce would be final, if he was committed to our relationship and how we would be proceeding as a couple..I had sensed some emotional distance from him and he had been evading my question of when the divorce would be final for several weeks now. Well, he waffled, he stuttered and kept saying: “I love you, but,…I need to spend time with my kids”..”I love you, but, I’m just too overwhelmed”..I finally dragged it out of him that his feelings for me had changed..he told me somedays he felt like he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and other days, he was confused and thought he did not know what he wants.
After months of being flexible, patient and listening to him tell me how much I meant to him and how happy we would be together after he was divorced, he told me that “he was no longer sure if he even wanted a relationship with me after the divorce was final”….
Can anybody say “transitional woman”? I felt like such a fool. I cried so hard. That was it? Why was I fighting for this relationship alone? Why was he here in my house, hanging around with my kids, going to little league games and school concerts with us? Why was he pretending to be in a relationship with me if he was unsure? How long had he felt like this? Months, he said…How long would he have kept up this charade of being in a relationship with me? It really really hurt. And I never saw it coming.
The lesson here is: Separated = Married. It really does….You can’t be kinda married, just like you can’t be kinda pregnant. Marriage is serious business, and until a person is completely free from the ex, and has come to peace with the divorce and has really moved on, (meaning, done the emotional work, gone through grieving, therapy, etc..) then plain and simple, they are not emotionally available for a relationship. No matter what they say or how they act..eventually, it will surface. Most of the time, these “separated” guys are so traumatized and in need of attention and love that they mistakenly believe they are ready….In my case, it took 9 months to show.. It could have been worse; at least I was not with him for years!! Ladies, if you meet a nice “separated” man..save yourself a lot of pain and heartache and tell him to contact you in a few years, AFTER the divorce and AFTER he has healed!
Lulu,
This was painful to read, but so very similar to my own experience. I am sorry that you went through what you did, and so grateful that you took the time to share your story so that others might see the signs and learn. I knew without a doubt that things would have to change when X. declared one day that he would “never” get a divorce. Didn’t even think about how that might make me feel. He says that he needs to stay legally separated so that he can prevent his ex from squandering their finances/kids’ inheritance on an ill-thought out relationship with another guy. He’s clearly a control-freak, and has made managing his ex and kids his purpose. He is unable to see that he is having difficulty letting go of this relationship, no matter how ‘awful’ it was. Not my job to convince him of that. I can only conclude that I was the ‘soft place to land’ for this self-centered individual that I never wanted to be, and said as much up front. It’s true that people often overestimate what they are truly ready for following breakdown of a long-term relationship. It felt awful to feel like a convenience, to have the relationship ‘compartmentalized’, and so forth. I kept thinking that he would’ve treated someone else better, but now I believe he wouldn’t have had that opportunity : few women with good self-esteem would’ve gone for what was on offer. The moment I asked to meet to discuss things, and hopefully wrap them up ‘nicely’ (I always hope for good terms, but it’s not to be), he became evasive and eventually disappeared. My needs were never important to him. A sounding board is meant to be just that, not to to talk back, or have actual wants and needs, as they say! Sad to say, I miss those daily phone calls (all about him, I might add), and that feeling of being ‘attached’ or connected, as false as that really was. I often worry about how he views me (as a fool? an idiot? as a waste of time?), but I am learning to re-focus on myself and my needs. I think that this could’ve been avoided if I had read the signs and believed them, as well as had a surer sense of my own values and what I require to be happy. I’ve learned so much from NML’s articles. Can’t say that I will make a mistake like this again…Hope that someone better-suited will cross my path eventually.
Wishing all posters here the best as they move forward…