In a continuation from part 1, I explain what the characters of controllers, liars, manchildren, and assclowns can suggest about your own character and relationship habits:
What does a Controller say about you?
If you’ve found yourself with a guy who is a bully, manipulative, jealous, possessive, you aren’t sure of who you are as an entity making it very easy to shift around to accommodate those around you.
Controllers come in many guises. Some sneak up on you with little comments here and there that gradually build so that one day you suddenly realise that you’re not who you started out as. If you live in the UK and watch Eastenders, Peggy Mitchell looks ridiculous since she got together with the controlling assclown she’s engaged to, with a dodge hairdo and and hideous clothing, watching every word she says for fear of getting on the wrong side of him.
Some guys are more obvious with it. Some will tell you straight up that you don’t meet their exacting standards and in your mind, that sends a signal that if you work really hard to please him and do as he says, you’ll win him. He behaves like a shit and then has you convinced it’s your fault for being less than.
This happens to many women. If you’re with a controller, you mistake his pathetic need to control you, as his way of demonstrating that he cares.
You don’t believe that you’re all that special and when he starts controlling you, you take it as a confirmation and start believing him being in your life makes you a better person. He in fact, steals your character like a thief in the knight and ensures you’re dependent on him – for misery and for your ‘happiness’.
You’ve become co-dependent and even though he is the source of your misery, he can also feel like the basis of what you know about yourself making it very difficult to cut him off because you feel lost without him. If he is particularly abusive/nasty, you won’t have enough self-worth left to be able to recognise what a nasty, weak, chump he is.
He is at the worst end abusing you whether that is emotionally or physically and at the other end of the scale, which is still not great, he is engaging with you via control so you’re not free to be you.
If you tend to be involved with controllers on any level, there is a very self-destructive side to you and you’re likely to mistake the familiarity of fear and pain with love.
It’s likely that you will feel helpless and weak as this is a vicious cycle to extricate yourself out of.
What does a Liar say about you?
Ah, the wonderful world of living with the deceptive. From cheats, to Pinnochio’s that will swear black is white and white is black, to fraudsters leading double lives, these men are bloody nightmares! It doesn’t matter if he tells lots of little lies, or specialises in big ones, lies are lies. It’s very possible if you are with a liar, liar, pants on fire, that you’re likely to buy the line that he lied to you to protect your feelings.
If you knowingly involve yourself with men that have to be deceptive to ‘manage’ their relationships and you let them get away with it, it’s because you are in denial. You’re keen on fantasy, you’re keen on illusion, and you’re very keen on betting on potential because you buy into the lies as much as they do.
In short, being involved with a liar is about an avoidance of reality. You’re a master sweeper under the carpet and living the lie means you don’t have to face you either. If you absorb lies into your relationship, the world as you see it becomes very distorted because you have to twist everything else to fit the lie.
When things all go tits up as they tend to do with these men, you’ll say it’s because he let you down, didn’t come through on his promises, led you on a merry dance, and never did quite learn to tell the truth. This is true but in denying yourself and the life you live with a liar, the relationship fails because you’re not living a life that is real with the real you, and truth is ultimately stronger and greater than fiction.
What does a Manchild say about you?
Overgrown babies are the scourge of many a modern relationship. From emotionally unavailable men, to guys that are player playas, to those that deplete your financial reserves, or refuse to move out from their mummy’s and more, they bring a whole new meaning to the saying ‘Once a man, twice a child…’ If you find yourself with a manchild, it’s because you have instincts to overnurture plus you are likely to have issues with control.
You’re trying to raise men from the ground up because rather than deal with yourself and then go out and find a guy that reflects your desires, values etc, you take a shortcut, choose a ‘less than’ man and then try to turn him into what you want.
When he fails to meet your expectations, you feel cheated and unrewarded. Often you’re afraid of dating a decent guy for fear he may see the negative things you believe about yourself – dating down or as I put it ‘dating beneath you’ makes you feel better about your relationship experiences. Plus, when things turn out as the self-fulfilling prophecy indicated, it’s actually because you’re controlling your experiences and environment by knowing what negativity to expect.
Being with a manchild with the emotional age and capacity of soggy cardboard says a lot about you because whilst you are connected to many of your emotions, it’s in a negative way. If you dealt with your emotions in a healthy way and engaged in emotionally healthy relationships, quite frankly, you wouldn’t pee on these manchildren if they were on fire.
But manchildren are ten a penny out there and they cater to old beliefs that men don’t know they’re born and need the love of a good woman to realise their best. Raising a child is exhausting work but often rewarding. Raising a grown man that you shag and have needs from is soul and self-esteem destroying and often the people that get rewarded are him…and the next woman.
Many women who love manchildren are high achievers and very successful. Manchildren seem easier because you may believe that men on your level will feel threatened, or you secretly may not believe that you have what it takes to get a man like this. Being with a more evolved man seems quite scary and would put you out of control and because you have commitment issues and fear of losing control, manchildren in many respects seem easier.
With a manchild, his ridiculousness seems to trump whatever issues you have so these are great guys for cruising and hiding your own problems behind. Trust me, if you’re with a manchild, life is one big avoidance.
What does an Asshole say about you?
Assholes are grade A assclowns or ‘untouchables’. There are many assclowns out there that don’t recognise their behaviour for what it is, but Asshole Assclowns do. Any of the other assclown characters can just as easily slot into this category if they’re particularly nasty. Full on narcissists, beaters, habitual cheaters, criminal assclowns, full on fraudsters and in essence, men that a woman in her right mind would never touch.
These men may represent excitement and in other instances, they may represent the nastier side of what you have experienced in the past and what you believe about yourself. Your friends and family will despair of your involvement with a man like this. It’s just a shame that you don’t….
You are addicted to heavyweight drama. Him being a bastard is oddly exciting and you enjoy competing for his attention. You don’t think you bring very much to the table so he represents everything of what you believe is good in your life. In an odd way, you enjoy the uncertainty and you may sometimes enjoy the misery because you’re not comfortable being happy, or around men that don’t have mean tempers, a parole officer, or a penchant for running up huge debts and then running off.
You’re quite a big optimist. You’re very focused on what he’s like on his good days, which are actually few and far between. You too are in denial and you’re hiding behind the greatness of his assclownary.
I don’t think you believe that you can get out or that there is better out there for you. You’re a settler of the worst kind that believes she’s made a bed that she has to lie in.
As I said in part 1, this is about giving you food for thought and as always say, reminding yourself when you’re analysing him and playing back every moment from your relationship, that if you want real progression, you need to take the focus off him and bring it right back to you. When this is all a distant memory behind you and you’re standing in front of a good man or looking at yourself in the mirror and feeling happy and blessed about what you see and know about yourself, you’ll realise that in changing how you think about yourself and who you engage with, your life has become infinitely more positive.
Your thoughts? Do you recognise why your relationships are not working? Please share your thoughts!
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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My,
Stay strong!!!
NJ, your story is my story, just Peru instead of Colombia, and not quite as far-gone but very long-lived, 8 years now.
Nice to know I’m not the only one…
Regina – you aren’t obligated to sell anything to anybody. That’s the beauty of owning your own business. And the fact that you can see this as a clear way to keep a foot in the door you are trying to slam should give you your answer as to what to do. Remember – shades of grey. Don’t respond, don’t fill the order, DEFINITELY don’t make any special concessions for him – - he just does not deserve it, and he wouldn’t do it for you in a million years. He just wants to see if you’ll still bend over backwards for him, even if it’s only under strict work-related circumstances. Imagine if you emailed him with some special request (or lets be serious, any request at all)? You wouldn’t hear from him again for weeks probably!
And NJSpecialK – you need a lawyer, stat. This guy is, indeed, criminal and you need some legal support. I would also suggest getting counseling as soon as you can, if you can. Yes, he has all the EUM characteristics, but it sounds like he is, in fact, a much more dangerous animal than most.
Regina,
BBP is right! Why allow any contact with this guy at all. Any form of contact, even if it is through business is contact. I’d rather starve than accept a penny from this clown.
Hello Everyone
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement and support. This site has helped me tremendously!! I know I have gotten to the point where I was able to END it…. because I got soo sick and tired of the lies, of the lack of reciprication and me constantly trying to prove my love for him in hopes that I would get it in return. I have my weak moments where I sit there and doubt myself and beat myself up for the extents that I went for what I thought was LOVE for somebody! I just got involved with the wrong person! Someone who only cares about themselves. Grant it I take full responsibility for giving soo much….but in the end— is it really fair after everything to be told “Well i never asked you for anything or promised you anything” Like Carm says… that is not a friend or someone who has appreciated things or has loved me and I have to keep repeating that to myself (thanks Carm!!). I guess that hurts the most…. the fact that these types of men are so damn vacant inside…. no matter what we do or dont do we cant win!! I am trying to take responsibility for my part and doing but at the same time not trying to beat myself up for it either– for that only keeps me stuck in “VICTIM” mode. What matters now is what I do moving forward…. not going out of my way anymore for him….. having ended it with him and with some more time…. get myself completely out of this whole mess. The mother of his kids is here illegally as well…she knows he married someone for papers but she does not know that he also had a 2 year relationship with me. He has a son in Colombia as well who is 15 years old and his mother who he has not seen in 15 years!!! While I feel good as a person having given him this gift (I guess im just trying to be the better person) — he is leaving to go see them on Dec 27th…. It is a huge dilemma for me morally because me getting a divorce not only impacts him… but it impacts his son coming to the states as well. Innocent people that I feel their futures are all dependant on my decisions. How would I feel taking all of that away not from my EUM but from his family and impacting lives so severely? I dont think I could live with myself knowing that. So not sure what I am going to do yet with regards to my legal situation…. I care more now and am worried more now about my emotional well being. If I can get him out of my head and out of my heart— I can be ok with continuing my indifference, continuing minimal contact and no longer accepting his behavior, lies, etc….. what scares me are those moments (like my post from yesterday) when I actually start to feel compassion for him again, when I start doubting what I really know about him and start thinking or believing in the fantasy again… I am currently in counseling to help me through that– because that is the real issue here and for most of us I think. Its getting in touch with that unhealthy part of us that allows us to get into situations like this and that makes it so hard for us to get out. I empathisize with all of you and your stories…and am glad that I am not alone. I seek your support in getting through this… those times when I am weak and those times when I feel strong. It helps to read all your posts and your stories — I am from the states (New Jersey) so I guess when I write its afternoon/night in the UK. Either way— I visit this site on a daily basis and am glad to have found you all!!! Delibon: what is your story? You said it is similar to mine except Peru not Colombia.
Looking forward to hearing back from everyone!!! and THANK YOU AGAIN!!! =)
NJ,
You’re not responsible for his kid. He is! You are still putting this man and his family before you, it’s time to move on and stop making excuses-sorry so harsh-to hold on to this guy.
How many women and children does this guy have is his life? It doesn’t sound like he is responsible to an one.
Why don’t you inform the girlfriend of the relationship????? Are you going to take back the car and c.c.s ?
NJSpecialK, have you ever asked yourself why the mother of his kids – living here – has not married him??
NJSpecialK
I just read your posts…. this is a very serious situation. How long have you been married to this man? As far as legal action or divorce you can have the marriage “annulled” – meaning it never existed depending on how long you have been married. Certain states allow annullment if the marriage is less than 6 months. I would definitely contact a lawyer.
As far as YOUR concern for his children… you need to back away from that if possible. Where was HIS concern for his children? He seems more concerned about his needs than ANYONE else.
Ugh… this is sooo hard guys!! I don’t know how to get to that place (atleast not yet) where I can take everything away from him…. knowing that taking away the car and the car insurance leaves him without a ride to work (we work together by the way– which sucks even more!!!) which means he can lose his job…. which means I WILL BE THE ONE RESPONSIBLE for at first,,,,, helping him with his life— and in the end basically ruining it!! I dont think i can do that. He makes his payments on time and the car should be payed in full by this August…as well as the credit cards. Once that is done he can get his own car insurance… and maybe by then i dont know… I will be stronger to get a divorce? Or to think about things more clearly or atleast with much less emotional attachment??? I just cant see myself taking these things away. I feel like I said… ok here,,, I will help you with no strings attached…..and then in the end I go back on my word!!! I guess I need more help than I thought!!! I offered to help him… because his story touched my heart but in the middle of all of this he turned out to be an ASS!!! Shame on me for not having seen that sooner…… I dont know ….. =( Him and the mother of his kids never got married because you cannot get married if both parties are illegal (well atleast in the states). They have two children together one is 3 and the other is 9. They have been together for 12 years and according to what he says…. they are no longer in love etc…… he left colombia when his son (from a different relationship) was only about 9months old in hopes of getting a job and supporting them from the states (which he has been doing ever since) and because of his illegal status— has not been able to return for 15 years!!! Both his family here as well as in Colombia basically solely rely on him for support.
OK— HELP!!!! I dont want be unreasonable… I dont want to look like the bad one in this whole situation!! I just want to be ok emotionally…not needing him… not wanting him…. not looking for him…. not waiting for his phone call. For some reason I dont care about the rest……..just ME GETTING OUT and my emotional well being.. Am I missing something or is there something that I am not getting??? Sorry guys– I guess I am just not there yet…. =*(
NJSpecialK – unfortunately, this is such a mess that you will probably be seen as “the bad one.” I know you’re afraid of doing that, but honestly, although that will suck and hurt your feelings, you will also see the other (real) side of this guy and it will make you understand even more why you need to get away. To RUN away in fact. Do look into annulment – that could be a really good option. The worst that could happen is that he stops making payments on the car – so you have to make some car payments. Not a great prospect, but worth your mental health. I would say wash your hands of the car – consider it a loss and let him have it, that way you don’t feel like you are the reason why he won’t be able to work. Cancel the insurance – he can get his own, it’s easy, and you don’t need to pay his bills.
As for the job – start looking for something new. I’m serious.
You’re the only one preventing you from getting out!
Do you ask yourself what you get from this relationship?
How did this man survive all this years w/o you???? If you go with the thinking that you would feel responsible if you took the car away, therefore being responsible for his livelihood, then why don’t you just support his two girlfriends and three children? Perhaps, you could get another job or maybe take out a loan.
Why doesn’t the man take the bus? The public transport situation in Nj is quite extensive. You are not responsible for his job. He is.
You’re are clearly allowing yourself to be taken advantage of in this situation, you’ve got to take responsibility for yourself.
NJ, start by talking to a Lawyer to see what options you have.
Don’t think annulment will be an option, you married him to get him legal status and that is a felony. How long have you been married?
NJ, I have to agree with everyone else here about this guy. He’s using you so bad it’s criminal. Matter of fact it is criminal in the US. You’re so busy worrying about what he will think about you going back on your word, when you forget to consider the fact that this man has gone back on every word he’s spoken to you. You don’t owe him or his children, and baby mothers, girlfriends, etc. Anything. Just typing all of that sounds complete upseting even to me, and I’m not in your shoes. This man has used you and will continue you use you legally and emotionally as long as you allow it. He’s a con artist of the worst sort. You’re too busy beating yourself up right now to see the forrest for the trees. This is not a matter in which you should wait a while on and then do something about. What if he decides tomorrow that he wanted to take a house out in your name? Because you are legally married to him he could really screw you over financially more than he’s ever done emotionally. Please see a lawyer right away and then a counselor soon too. Please RUN from this situation like the the devil was after your immortal soul. This guy is the devil.
NJ,
We are all telling you to take care of your legal situation ASAP, even before addressing your emotional attachment to this guy because there is potential for this guy to take advantage of you further with your credit and finances BIG TIME. You may not care about this aspect now, as you are emotionally hurting now, but chances are you will care later if he starts taking out credit lines and screwing up your life financially. The emotional impact if that happens will be devastating if you do not protect yourself and your boundaries.
How did he get to work before you got him a car? How did he survive before he met you? Come on! He will not lose his job. Why do you see it as your resposibility for this man to support his family(ies)? He chose to impregnate these women and it is his and the women’s responsibilty to support them. Don’t worry, he and his family will not be deported if you divorce him, and you will not “ruin ” their lives, they can still remain here illegally. When his kids turn 18 they can petition for their parents to become legal. This guy is not the only illegal immigrant in the US with a family, and their well being is not your responsibility, and they will survive without your assistance.
How much do you really know about him? Where there is one lie, there are usually many more. This is why we are so concerned about your situation, because if this guy is capable of what he has done so far, he may be capable of a whole lot more.
I think Nikki is 100% right that you are unable to see the forest for the trees at this moment. Please listen to us as we can see this situation maybe more clearly than you can right now.
You will not look like the “bad one” if you take everything back and PROTECT yourself. You will look like the smart and sensible one. You did not make any promises to him, just as you say he didn’t make any promises to you.
Yes, you can still have the marriage annulled. You do not have to admit you married him for legal staus. BTW, did you apply to immigration yet for his green card? What stage are you at in the process? Please, please see a lawyer as soon as you can, and get yourself legally untangled from this guy.
NJ, his story touched your heart because that is what sociopaths do, they manipulate people’s compassion and and they spot vulnerabilities in people and use them to their advantage. I guarantee you he did not turn into an “ass” until after you married him and got him set up with the car. Please, do some research on the internet about sociopaths. It will help you feel less compassion for him.
Only this friday I was sat at home feeling like a complete prick. The nobhead was supposed to be taking me out and didn’t show.
Well, I was crying but it was because I knew I had let it happen again.
The next day I I thought, wouldn’t it be great not to be thinking about him. I mean, I lived without him for years, before I met him and I didn’t drop dead, in fact life was good! Perhaps it was his final act of nobbishness that made me realize- I actually want to be free from all this shit. When we first met I had just gone through a major break-up of a five year relationship. Then a load of relatives died in a short space of time. I never really gave myself time to get over it all, I just carried on.
Talk about easy prey, I must have been like little red riding hood!
And the description of the manchild and how I have acted over the past year is so spot-on. Its kind of depressing reading but it has woken me up- I don’t want to go on like this and I certainly don’t want to blame a man for all my shit. So hurrah! Bring it on! Lets face the future with some honesty!
Hi blue_girl, welcome and we salute your bravery and resolve!
NJ, I hope we are not overwhelming you. Ladies, lets try not to “pile on” with our advice and concern! I have had my stupid teenage (tho I’m 46) delusional sh!t jumped in this forum and it was just too much for me at that time. I want to wish you the best and I know that just you being here with us means that sooner or not-so-later you will do what you need to do to take care of yourself. You came here because you already knew that you had that strength, and we believe in you.
I think it is because we have all been hurt that we are so protective of each other.
Take care dear, and let us know of your progress. Seeing each other get better is the best medicine we can offer.
Are all the women on this site in their mid-forties?
Har har. Gaynor, maybe they wouldn’t be so EUM with a woman who was not so close to her sell-by date.
Ladies – Im 30!! dont think its anything to do with age!! (hope this makes you feel better!!)
Natalie – any chance of a post on how to stay NC over the Christmas Period!!?? for some reason with the holiday coming up Im starting to feel lonely & a bit of a loser if im honest!! – Help!!
Dear NJ,
I feel for you…You are great person and I understand you perfectly well – you feel in love with this guy thats why you done what you done!
You know, what I am afraid of when he recieves his permanent residency, he will divorce you and marry his illegal girlfriend (of 12 years) in order to make her legal in USA…
So please think about it too…I can see you are kind-hearted lady, but you must think about yourself first and concentrate on your own life, even it is hard in the beginning!!! I wish you all the best….
NML and ladies, have a lovely Christmas!
Oh Yikes! This site is invaluable to me. I realize I choose the Manchild type. It makes me cringe, laugh and squirm all at once. I was thinking, “Oh yes, this one and that one were Manchildren….then I went, “so was ‘so and so’ and ‘so and so’!!”
There is a wink wink nod nod thing about “Cougars” in society….and I just assumed that I was a “Cougar”.
But what I am – is terrified of a “real man” who is more mature, together emotionally, financially, etc.
Now. What to do with this information…..hmmm
hi texas girl i feel like in the same situation as you, having had the doh! moment when i realised what rubbish I was tolerating.
The bloke who stood me up last friday came round last week with a big present and was all apologetic. I took the present because it seemed childish not to and then asked him to leave. Since then I have not contacted him at all. He hasnt contacted me either. Its really bloody hard not to think about it though. Especially this time of year. Most of my family and friends are married/loved up/ in relationships. I really feel like a freak because I’m not. It also annoys me that its more acceptable to be in a bad relationship if you are a woman, than to be in no relationship at all.
What is getting me through all this is a bit of selfishness. Im just focusing on me and what I want to do for 2009. Im thinking about all the time and energy I will have, and what I want to do and where I want to be. Ths answer is as far away as possible from the sad person who was staying in on a friday waiting for her man who never turned up! So that is my advice, make some plans for 2009 and start to work at making them real before December 31st. That way you will have some great positive things planned out for next year and on NYE you can think about them.
OMG I lived with an asshole/assclown for 5 years, and actually accepted a wal-mart diamond. He beat me then said I deserved it…
My best friend interceded, and helped me pack all of my things, clothes cat, and computer, to move 800 miles away from him! He in turn moved an hour from my new place, and TRIED TO RECONCILE only to send me a pic of him shagging another woman on MY BIRTHDAY. I am so glad to be rid of him. I then replaced him with the FLIPFLAPPER, only to be dumped after his YEAR LONG DIVORCE BATTLE became final, and his EXWIFE was the one who intitiated it; he stalled it. Then I dove head first into the MANCHILD…his mom was sick from cancer, and he HATED HER FOR INFRINGING ON HIS TIME so I am at fault for being an OPTIMIST. great. NOT.
back on Dec 11…nilonder wisely asked…
why do you put yourselves through the humiliation of being rejected once more?
I can understand pining for them even when they misbehave or obsessing when they are not there… but why keep chasing them?
I don’t mean to be rude or hurtful but I genuine want to know
here is one story
I was once just like you, neve could fathom women who suffered bad treatment, loved all my life by decent men, attractive, happy, popular, great job…. and then when i was 40 an arseclown landed in my life. Ten years later I am starting to see it for what it is…he is just a no good guy, he sort of knows it, he sees no need to wrok on it…hence arseclown is a really good word for these guys
He started off by telling me he was a misogynist, of course I did not beleive him, never having known a person who actually had no desire to love and work at respecting others. HAd I ever met a flake before I would have seen this as the first of many red flags.
It went on and on from there, he had me fooled by what I believed was a special connection, which I now think is the desired result of their method of operation
They tell you how they are depressed, have no friends, how bad they are, how sad their past, ….and they are so busy, so stressed, so taken advantage of… and so then, when they do give, the few crumbs they come up with actually make you feel special,….yes it sounds looney, and all I can say is you can find yourself involved in this scam before you are quite aware what is going on.
And I supsect the arseclown is acting out of habit, not really even caring about the damage they do to themselves and others.
They are incapable of meaningful giving, of being or staying open, of depth of connection… as soon as you get close, they freak and back off, and then come creeping back for another attempt.
Why do we do it? I bet there are all kinds of reasons, but if you are a genuinely nice person, confident, were raised to help others, you may get trappeed by one of the poor pitiful me arseclowns, and worse, think that you can give them the help they are subconsciously seeking ( which is why they are drawn to the genuinely nice people in the first place)
And if you are an optimist, and a hard worker, and a happy loving person it will get worse, the more you give the less you will get, and the more you will be left confused and wanting all that is missing
But rest assured, arseclowns do not want to do any work on their stuff, that is what makes them a clown, they are just not very good at devloping emotionally, and have no desire to learn.
What a great call the word assclown is for them.
Such a mess these guys make, but in all fairness I did get addicted to the drama, though why all that drama seemed like love and something special is still a mystery to me.
Recently, I started to hoping the clown would come around as a waste of time. And now I am going through withdrawl, this will be OK
Think I’ll paint a fun picture involving the clown, and an arse, and the words ” won’t get fooled again, ” …. art therapy
Happy New Year everyone, thanks for being here. Reading this gives me strength to continue NC, to regain the sane self I knew for forty years before the arseclown was part of my life. We will get by !
I had a little bit of Assclown, a little bit of Lier… throw all the little spices in there! I recognized my patterns when it came to dating Men who Lied; yes I didn’t want to see the truth and was living not in reality which was from living in an abusive and substance abuse childhood “don’t tell, dont feel, don’t trust — etc… sort of msgs” and make pertend everything is alright while you have a sinking feeling in your stomach… which played out in my dating relationships and friendships. As far as the Assclowns — yeah I liked the excitement and drama and although intellectually I knew I didn’t deserve an assclown — emotionally it was obvious I did… I think the assclowns, lies, etc all blended in with the things I had to heal… and now that I have grown alot in the past year alot has changed. I ended 3 toxic friendship/family and dating relationships that weren’t serving my happiness — and will get recognize and get into a healthy relationship!!
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