Relationship Advice: Am I right not to go back to my flip flapping divorcee?
Penny asks: Hi, my recent relationship is over, however, sometimes I still question if I am doing the right thing. Basically after 5 years together, my boyfriend who had been in the process of a divorce during our relationship told me that he had only been divorced for 4 months and that I shouldn’t expect him to run out and marry me. I went home and the relationship died.
After telling me the relationship was over he now wants me back and
explains that he does want to marry me but that he has he reasons not to based on the previous relationship. Am I doing the right thing by not going back? I figured that if he truly wanted to his response would have been different.To be honest, I wouldn’t hurry to go back because an obstacle to
commitment is an obstacle none the less, no matter what its origin and
if he is not over his ex and emotionally healed from the divorce, plus
positive enough about the relationship to make a go of things with you,
why pursue a relationship?
You have already spent five years with him, which by the way, is a long
time for any person to take to get divorced, I think that this is a push
comes to shove moment. He is not just out of a relationship - if he’s
been with you for 5 years, he’s been out of his relationship for the
entire period of time. It is not like you have just met and it is pretty
galling that he expects you to continue waiting. He is a living example
of why I always recommend that women steer clear of separated men who
are taking their time about getting divorced or divorced men who are
still going on about the divorce.
If he wanted you properly, he wouldn’t be coming back with yet another
lame excuse to stall committing to you.
You need to get on with your own life because your guy is not able to
commit to his relationship with you and is still dealing with a large
amount of emotional baggage. If five years with you has not given him
enough time to get his feelings and commitment in order for you, staying
with him when you know his perspective hasn’t changed, is a waste of
your time and giving him carte blanche to maintain the status quo.
It is not easy to let go of long term relationships, even when they are
not working and may devalue you, but at some point you have to choose
you. Better to feel the pain, and it will hurt, and gain some
perspective about why you have pursued a relationship with this man for
so long, so that you can better understand yourself and work to become
attracted to healthier prospects. It’s not instant, it’s not easy, but
you must commit to you, because if you don’t take care of you, who will?
It’s not going to be him.
Your thoughts?
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Brad K. October 7th, 2008, 2:06 am
Penny, I don’t see that you are ready for anything long term. You have settled for dating this guy for five years - why would you think you actually want that to change? If you had been ready for marriage or a mate, you would not have picked, or stayed with, a guy committed somewhere else.
That aside, this guy has been seeing a woman (you) willing to commit adultery (for him) for four and a half years. Does that sound like a good choice for a life mate to you? For either of you?
This seems like a ripe mess. He needs time to learn who he is, now, and decide what he wants. And you have to understand why you wanted a cheater in the first place, and why you broke things off when he talked about marriage in the future. It seems neither of you are in a good place to contemplate a future joined with a partner, yet.
lisaq October 7th, 2008, 11:18 am
I agree. He’ll never commit to you. Time to pick up the pieces, heal, and start worrying about you and your future…without the assclown.