Jane asks: What if he wasn’t a Mr Unavailable? What if he wasn’t really into me? I know I shouldn’t think about his reasons for dumping me and focus only on me but the uncertainty really haunts me.
We were together for almost a year and since the beginning, he was kind of weird, because he would pursue me for a couple of days, act as we were a couple, and then disappear or act like a friend.
Even though he disappeared, we spent most of our times together. I never pursued him or anything, it was all his work. He took me to meet his family (as a friend) so I know he wasn’t dating anyone else, and I spent a lot of time in his house with his mom and nieces. He always wanted to take things slow, even the sex part of our relationship. He was extremely sweet those days he felt like being a couple, so he wasn’t all so bad.
He dumped me two weeks ago, three weeks after we decided to try being a couple, saying that our relationship wasn’t working and that we didn’t have anything in common (which is not true). And I’m not sure if he really liked me.
What if he wasn’t all that into me and he was confused of what he wanted from me?
After he broke it off, we have seen each other because we work together. For god knows what reason, he is acting mad towards me so it’s more confusing after him saying he wanted us to be friends after the breakup. Is this normal?
Thank you so much for this site. I wish I would have found it sooner. It’s been a lot of help. These guys should wear a HUGE warning sing so no women gets close.
NML says… Indeed it’s a shame they don’t come preloaded with neon flashing signs! Here is the reason why he is not an emotionally available guy who is just not that into you:
A decent, emotionally available guy who is not into you will not behave as this man has for the past year.
Emotionally available men are connected emotionally so that when they recognise that they cannot be what a woman expects, uncomfortable as it may be, they speak up.
The disappearing, the calling you a friend, pursuing you, acting like a couple but not actually being a couple, introducing you to family (a common thing that Mr Unavailables do – women attach far too much significance to meeting the parents), and the rest, just reek of Mr Unavailable.
But at the end of the day, he has now said you have nothing in common although he has certainly taken his sweet time to decide this.
You, unfortunately, can’t decide that you do have something in common and that he’s lying. The things that you may think are your common ground and important, may not be his common ground and important, and the best thing that you could do, in light of how he has always behaved and his recent treatment, is accept that it is over rather than make the mistake of making this a long and drawn-out saga where he’ll continue his poor behaviour.
You are focused on the wrong things. You keep saying how sweet and nice he was, but this man kept doing disappearing acts, which is completely inappropriate and disrespectful, friend or girlfriend, so you need to look at him in a real light and also ask yourself why you are interested in a barely there man.
Either way, emotional unavailability or not being interested, neither of these things spell anything good and they are signals that it is time to bail out.
Let him be mad – it’s a tactical thing pulled by this type of man so that he can start getting you to think you’ve done something wrong because he recognises that he’s done something bad. Yet another sign that he doesn’t have good intentions towards you… You may work together but leave it at that.
Completely understand the behaviour of Mr Unavailables and how to lose your interest in them with my book, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more.
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I have been struggling with this lately also. I have maintained No Contact with my ex-EUM, but in my latest therapy session, I asked her “why did he spend three and a half years with me if he had absolutely no interest in me whatsoever?” Her answer was that why wouldn’t he want to spend time with me as a friend, because I am a giving, kind, funny and caring person. Not the answer I wanted! It made me feel ashamed and foolish that I invested so much time into this relationship when he had ALWAYS just thought of me as a friend and I was ignoring the obvious, and falling in love with him without any signs from him that he felt the same way. I think I have a pretty good intuition about people, and looking back on my time with him, I still think he gave me mixed signals and that he felt something for me. We were never initimate, but he would do other physical things that made me think he was attracted to me. I know it doesn’t really matter at this point and I shouldn’t pick it apart to death, but I feel like my self-esteem is at stake, and if it is true that he NEVER was attracted to me or EVER had feelings for me, then I was a complete fool for dragging this out as long as I did. I know, I need to just let it go! 🙂
FinallyOverIt I really feel for you because these types of situations can make you feel duped. What I will say to you is that you are never going to fathom out what he has done 100%. It’s impossible. You’re looking for an answer that sits comfortably with you.
Humans do strange things and emotionally unavailable men in particular do conflicting things which means that when you’re around them for too long, they confuse the hell out of you and even when the assclown has long gone, they baffle the crap out of you. The only way your self esteem will be at stake is if you sell it down the river in an attempt to decipher this guy and understand more than 3 years. Trust me; if I had spent any great length of time trying to figure out my exes, I would probably still be stuck in 2005 in the land of confusion. Even if you rake over every conversation and every action during that entire time, it doesn’t change what you fundamentally know deep down. You were emotionally invested in a relationship that didn’t in essence exist. You are human, you misread the situation, and you let a hell of a lot of time pass without anything happening to justify your emotional investment. I’m sure he did give you mixed signals but what you know now for next time is that when you feel a lot for someone and you believe it’s two-way, you need it to be evidence based or sanity check it at some point because 3.5 years is waaaay too long. He doesn’t see it as spending 3.5 years with you; he sees it as a friendship because in reality, if you take it down to black and white, that’s what it was, albeit one person felt more than the other.
You fell in love for the two of you and as many a woman has discovered even when the relationship goes beyond friendship, you can’t project your feelings on to someone, and one person loving…is not enough. Don’t feel ashamed or foolish because you can’t do anything with this and really, what you need to feel is acceptance about what has happened and let go because you know what, if you can let go of this, you’ll love again only next time you’ll make sure it’s in an appropriate situation. Forgive yourself because the sooner you do, the sooner this stuff won’t even matter.
Yup, my ex-EUM introduced me to his family. He would tell me that his mom called me her daughter-in-law. Said he wanted kids. He was decent in the begining. I thought we were a couple. I thought that he cared. This post is spot on, especially the part about meeting his folks. Doesn’t amount to much when he treats you like crap anyway.
Jane, at the end of the day you’re supposed to be happy in a relationship. And you aren’t. He isn’t there for you and is playing games. Leave him be. I wish I had followed by own advice a long time ago. Who cares if he’s mad? Does he care that you’re sad? Hurting? Upset?
Nope, didn’t think so.
“The things that you may think are your common ground and important, may not be his common ground and important” – boy oh boy, if I’d only realized THAT when I was 18 !!!
The bottom line is that disappearing is NEVER a good sign. Emotionally unavailable or not into you, the reason isn’t important to figure out, because the last 2 paragrpahs of NML’s comment to finallyvoerit(above) really say it all…
I’m sorry that you got hurt after the time you spent and the hopes you had. Men can be users (just as women can). Next time know that if a guy disappears for whatever reason, you’re done.
When someone loves you, unexplained absences are unacceptable. When they don’t love you, they don’t care about your disappointment or confusion or needs for continuity.
This isn’t your fault, him not loving you. It’s just about him BEING non-loving.
And you don’t want that, right ? You want to be loved.
Next time you’ll see it for the red flag it is if it happens and leave MUCH sooner.
Thanks so much NML and Loving Annie, you have no idea how much your words have put it in perspective for me. This is (hopefully) the last little hurdle for me, and NML, I have put a little note at the bottom of my computer at work that says “I FORGIVE ME.” I know you know what that means…..
NML, there is a mistake in your first bolded sentence, I think:
A decent, emotionally unavailable guy who is not into you will not behave as he has for the past year. Period.
I think you mean AVAILABLE, not unavailable.
Thanks Blaise.
FinallyOverIt – Good for you! Never let these men steal your wind. You’ve given him more than enough of your time – snatch it back! Hugs x
Rubique – Thanks for your comment. I will be sure to check out your blog!
Cynnie – Yep – meeting the parents is one of the most overrated things and women fall into this trap every time. ‘But I met his parents’ is what they keep saying like that explains everything. For some men, in fact for a lot of them, introducing women is no big deal. It’s like taking out the trash!
Loving Annie – Jesus Annie – you’re are full of wisdom! It’s great that you can share your experience and you’re doing it from such a positive place!
NML, mine never introduced me to his parents or friends. After his divorce he moved 60 miles away from his hometown and work, I wonder if he even has friends? He would mention names but I never met anybody, also wonder if he moved so far away so nobody can find out what he is doing? He lives close to me, but has no friends here either.
Oh believe me meeting the parents is not always a great thing. My EUM was/ is a mamma’s boy. So along with the other baggage it was him, me and mommy, makes three. I think Princess Diana said it best, when she was referring to Camilla Parker Bowles,,,:”Well there were three of us in this relationship, so it was a bit crowded.” The thing is you can’t really diss a guy’s mom without looking bad, so most of the time you have to bite the bullet.
Yep, if he’s just not into you, he’ll just blow you off and go on his merry way. Blowing hot and cold and the rest of it definitely spell EUM. Time to let it go and think about you and what you need.
In a relationship for 2 years, with a hot and cold bloke. We’re going on holiday in couple of weeks, thinking that I’m going to see how it goes and take it from there. Met each others folks, ok, but he doesn’t see his own very often. He’s too secretive, can be very distant and I know that this isn’t a good enough offer for me. He’s work comes before everything, he’s told me. I’ve tried ending it in the past but he just cries and then I feel bad. I think he wants to be with me rather than be on his own – serial monogomist!!! I do love him, will always love him, but I’m not happy, I don’t feel content, feel very insecure (totally not me!) and the game playing (which I find myself doing the same just to get back at him) is boring. He can be wonderful one minute and then really odd the next. Why can’t they just be themselves and let us be ourselves?!!!!
x
My EUM is with someone else now. I have to see them all the time and it hurts! I cannot get over how he can treat her like I wanted him to treat me. It pisses me off and I can’t let it go. I have a psychic who told me it is because she doesn’t want anything from him and I did. Yes – I wanted to be someone important in his life and not just a doormat. So… the woman that wants nothing gets everything? And the woman that wants something gets nothing? WTH?? Did he really change and move on to treat the next woman right? If that is what happened what a blow to my self-esteem. I feel like crap today…
Kim2
I konw its hard when we know what our EU’s are up to after we have ended it, it sucks that you have to see them all the time. It is better not to know anything about them afterwards, because we will imagine scenarios where the next woman has got him to change and is getting the best of him. But the chances of one of these guys truly changing without some life altering experience or pain happening to them is pretty small. Look how much pain we have to go through before we recognize our pattern and problem and get incentive to change ourselves.
Maybe your EUM’s current woman is more EU than him and will diss him in some way eventually. Or she is EU, but more like us, and will eventually want something from him in time, and he will do his thing once again.
I really think it takes alot of pain and self-reflection to break the cycle and become emotionally available. These guys usually don’t get that pain from their relationships and endings of them because they are in the position of being less interested.
Thanks Carm. I’m feeling sorry for myself today and not doing very good. Last night I saw them. A woman sells roses in the bar and the new woman had three in front of her. I doubt she bought them for herself. The guy would often ignore me unless he wanted to spend the night. He used me and I let it happen. I feel like $hit. I’m a nice lady… I treat other people with kindness and respect. I treat other people better than I treat myself and that is probably the root of my problem. I fear everyone else is better than me. I have always felt like an outsider. Don’t know why. If I fell off the face of the planet I don’t know if anyone other than my son would notice.
Kim2……I know you’re feeling down but don’t beat yourself up. They may look happy to you but you don’t know what the dynamic is between them. I kind of compare it to men who are emotionally and physically abusive. They just don’t change overnight. Most of the time they never change. It may look all sweet and cozy to the outside world but at home things are quite different. I worked in a battered women’s shelter and saw all the carnage those men caused. So even though EUM’s are not usually physically abusive I think they are certainly emotionally abusive and that doesn’t change with a new woman.
Believe me, she doesn’t have a prize and even though you are hurting you’re lucky to be rid of him. I’m dragging myself into week five of NC with my EUM and some days I feel so crappy I don’t want to get out of bed. I think,,,,,is he with the woman he cheated on me with? Those tapes play over and over in my head but the further away you get from them the better. I agree that having that thrown in your face is probably what is contributing to your sadness. That sucks. But you’re not alone in this. We are all here for you!!!!
The guy is most certainly a jerk I believe, but I also believe that it may not be that uncommon for us to “go with the flow” as it were, and not press to find out exactly where we stand in a relationship.
I wouldn’t feel badly because you’ve done nothing wrong, he did! Just try and learn from this experience. In the future, when the time is comfortable for you, make clear to your prospect where you stand and what you expect from the relationship, and get him to do the same. If you can’t get that feedback from him and you believe that enough time has gone by, drop him and move on.
Best of luck to you 🙂
Thank you. Today is much better.
Grub, You asked, “Why can’t they just be themselves and let us be ourselves?!!!!”
It may be lack of imagination,disrespect, an unhealthy need to control their life, or someone else, or something else.
What you are overlooking is what Loving Annie pointed out – you are supposed to be content, satisfied – happy. You need to pick a guy that lets you be yourself, or even whoever he needs you to be – so that you enjoy the role (more than just thinking you could maybe make his life better or happier, if only you try some more.. Yuck!).
Everyone hits troubles, hard times, bad times when no one can say anything right. When you dig down, if the respect isn’t there, and the honor and loyalty, and the discipline, on both sides, then there really isn’t anything to look forward to but more pain. What we are calling an emotionally unavailable man might be an injured soul, a predator, an ignorant savage unaware of his ignorance – it doesn’t matter to anyone – he has no character worth being around on an intimate basis. He can’t bond in a healthy way. Think of an EUM this way – he is like a demolition derby driver that adores his car because it has won bang-up contests in the past. But he will continue battering that car into others with the expectation he can likely fix up whatever wreckage that ensues.
The difference is that an EUM doesn’t intend to be in a long term relationship. The most an EUM is interested in is a steady intimate arrangement – a never-ending date.
What really struck me is when you said, “I’ve tried ending it in the past but he just cries and then I feel bad.” Remember how guys talking will go on about avoiding a girl because she is ‘needy’? Well, this guy really meets every single derogatory, demeaning definition of only having needs, no idea how to meet those needs, and not taking any control of his own life. He wants a mommy to kiss it and make it all better. That is, he has no discipline, he doesn’t have any honor, he doesn’t respect himself or he wouldn’t be playing games and he doesn’t respect you or he wouldn’t manipulate you to continue the relationship. In an ideal world, both people in a couple actually want to be there with the other.
How does this differ from fighting to maintain a healthy relationship in troubled times? In a healthy relationship, respect would make you first consider that the other wouldn’t want to leave if your lives together were what they needed.
Pity is not enough reason to throw away your chance for a happy family-kind of life.
When you decide to break away on your own, you have to start thinking of yourself, first. That is, if you want time on your own, or if you want to be free of the life you have been sharing, that comes first. Respect yourself enough to keep that promise to yourself to shove him out of your way, if that is what it takes. Change is measured in pain; don’t expect turning from him to be easy. And do expect to grieve over losing him, even when you are well rid of him. Your body and emotions had changed to accommodate him, and releasing those bonds is about as tough as when a truly loved one passes away.
When you decide to leave, courtesy usually expects you to tell him you are gone – not leaving, but already gone. At that point in time you no longer owe him an explanation of why you left, you no longer have any responsibility to respond to his questions or pleas. He may want to know your reasons, what he did wrong, how he can go on without you – he has to find those answers in his heart, if he is willing to look, because *nothing* you say will have meaning to him. If he feels hurt or anger that you are leaving, he will turn anything you say to try to hurt you, to make you feel bad for hurting him – he will take revenge with anything you provide him.
NML advises No Contact to break away. In addition I like to think that practicing for that moment he slips through the cracks is important – when you realize he is texting, emailing, phoning – the reply is a single word, “No.” Never repeated, never explained. Just “No.” and go on with the No Contact healing and grieving.
And remember this – the moment you decide to leave is when you are gone, not when you tell him (if you do), and for pity’s sake, not when *he* agrees “it is over”. If he were going to be honorable, if he were going to be respectful, you wouldn’t be leaving. The point is that closure is important, but you find it in yourself, not receive it from others.
And it makes me sad to think of you waiting for a holiday trip in a couple of weeks, in a relationship you already know is harmful to you.
Blessed be.
That’s what it felt like with my EUM. We never progressed passed the “dating” … It didn’t grow. He had no intention of letting it grow. Brilliant he is, PhD., world famous in his field, and…………..COMPLETELY EUM. Why should we care WHY they don’t want a long term committment to us? I wasted two years. Don’t waste any more of YOUR time wondering why. He’s not spending time thinking about you (us)…
You ask, “What if he wasn’t a Mr Unavailable? What if he wasn’t really into me?”
It doesn’t matter.
You know everything you need to know to find peace and move on with your life. The real truth is that no one ever knows why anyone else does anything. All we can do is speculate. But you do know how he treated you and it definitely wasn’t good enough. You absolutely deserve better. I know it’s hard (believe me I know) but you’ll be much healthier if you can focus on that, the stuff you know. He wasn’t good to you and now you are free of him. Whatever the reasons, whatever his issues, it doesn’t matter. You can’t change the past and obsessing about it is not going to help you be happy in the future.
Do decent guys who are just not into you do a clear break up or disappear vs. an EUM who does a slow fade? Do decent guys do a slow fade?
I met a 42 year old man at the end of August in a local shop where I work. I’m 36. He owns his own route and was making deliveries. We struck up a casual conversation and he asked for my phone number. He called the next day and we hit it off. He called everyday, a few times a day, for the next couple of days. That Friday he agreed that we should meet for lunch on Saturday. We met after he finished his route. He had to cut the lunch date short because the 12 year old boy he is raising needed him to come home. I had an amazing time and he said he did as well.
There seems to be a lot of physical attraction there. We continued to talk on the phone almost every day (there were times on the weekends and evenings during the week when I could not reach him) but he never asked me out for an actual date. We would, however, meet up occasionally for 15 minutes to a half-hour for a make out session. When I asked him why he wouldn’t ask me out, his explanation was that he was raising his child (he has custody and the ex doesn’t help) and his business takes up most of his time. He said he knew that time was important but that it was very difficult for him to find time. In all honesty, he is VERY busy. In any case, I got fed up with it after 3 weeks.
I called him late on a Friday night and left him a voice mail. I told him that the situation was too painful and asked him not to call anymore. I didn’t want to leave a voice mail but had no choice since he wouldn’t answer his phone. I was very irritated about it because I know that phone is attached to his hip at all times. I’ve seen him ignore callers and felt like he was doing the same to me. I deleted his number from my phone and threw his business card away.
I let it go for 2 weeks. I didn’t hear from him and didn’t try to contact him. I tried to forget about him by dating other men. They turned out to be complete jerks. The fact was that I really missed him. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. He is amazingly funny and very easy to talk to. I decided to try to contact him. I went through my phone records to find his number and made the call.
He seemed happy to hear from me but at the same time he seemed very nervous. His voice kept shaking. We talked for 3 hours that night. He wanted to know why I was upset and I told him that it was the lack of time he had for me. He never committed to making more time but claimed that he understood.
It’s been about 8 weeks since I made that call. We talk almost every day (weekends and nights still seem to be off limits – mainly because I’m too afraid to try to call him on the weekends) a few times a day. We spend afternoons together while he works. We get along great when we’re together and the physical attraction is still there. However, he still won’t ask me out on a formal date. I find my self running hot and cold about the situation. Sometimes I’m fine with his lack of time and sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I understand that he works from sunup to sundown, and has to go home and be a single dad at the end of the day. Sometimes I wish he had more for me.
Is he emotionally unavailable, extremely busy, or just taking things slow because he’s been burned and is scared? I don’t want to lose his friendship and would like to see it go to another level. How should I proceed with him?
Becca,
It sounds like the guy you are seeing is emotionally unavailable, and you will be fighting an uphill battle to get him to spend more time with you. On top of that, some of the things you mention about him seem very sketchy and suspect (ignoring phone calls, being unreachable on evenings and weekends, not asking you on a formal date, meeting up for make-out sessions only). How much do you really know about him, besides that he’s busy?
Don’t let the fact that he’s funny and easy to talk to and you are attracted to him overshadow the fact that he has no time for a relationship, and it might very well be because he does not WANT to have time for a relationship. When you called him after you broke it off with him, he did not commit to making more time when you told him the reason you were upset was due to the lack of time. I think he’s being very clear in his words and actions that he is emotionally unavailable, and that all he is capable of giving is crumbs of his time. You spend afternoons together while he works? That sounds pretty convenient for him and not for you.
Carm,
Does your reply mean that I can’t even be friends with him? What does one do in a situation like this? I’ve never been here before.
Becca,
From experience of myself and others, it’s really hard to be friends with someone you have feelings like this for. You said yourself you would like to see it go to another level. Really ask yourself honestly why you would want to be friends with him – is it so you can wait for him to come around and be more available to you? If so, you may be in for a very painful experience. I know it is easier said than done, but the best thing to do in this kind of situation is to remove yourself from it and have no contact for a while. Your initial reaction of being fed up and breaking up with him was the appropritate reaction. Sorry to be so blunt, but his actions speak to not being such a good prospect for either a relationship or a friend.
Becca, I would not recommend “settling” for friendship with this man. I had a relationship with an EUM that lasted waaaay too long because I kept thinking that our friendship would move onto another level, and it never did. The pain of going through that is something I would never wish on anyone. There are already “red flags” with your relationship, and I would listen to what your “gut” is saying and move on. Believe me, I wish I would have done that at the very beginning when I saw that there was something not right about my ex-EUM. But, I hung on and put way too much emotion into something that wasn’t there. And….I went through a lot of pain and heartache. In looking back, I see that I was much more emotionally invested in our “friendship” than he was, and there is nothing you can do to make them feel the same way about you. Some men, especially EUMs, are users and take advantage of others. You just need to move on, and find someone that feels the same way about you that you feel for them. Good luck!
Becca, this whole story “stinks”, he is lying, lying and lying. He is not “available” on weekends and evenings? He is married or in a relationship. I am not sure if I believe he IS a single Dad, I am not saying the 12 year old boy doesn’t exist, but I am almost sure this boy lives with his Mom. He said to you that he can not commit anymore time to you, busy, the child, blah, bla, blah and the fact that you are still talking to him and spending “time” with him, tells him you are up to the game.
It is on his time and terms ONLY and as long as you go along he will be fine. Puke..
Also, please don’t think you are the first woman he is playing this game with…
Funny thing (the reason why I felt like commenting tonight), my 2 Teenagers have “myspcae” accounts, they know I don’t like it.
So, once in a while I check their accounts to see who is making contact with them, pictures posted and so on.
At the same time I came across my ex-husbands account and I could not believe what I was reading:
He claims to be a single Dad of a Teenage boy (well, he has a daughter too, but maybe a boy gets more sympathy with the ladies?) and he spents a lot of time with him and tries to “enjoy” his ” limited free” time with nice people. So, he is already stating that any “realtionship” will be on his time and terms due to not having enough time, but women won’t get it when they first read it or get involved with him.
This Teenage boy lives with ME!!!! I am raising my sweet son!
Becca, what this will do for my ex husband is: the women are thinking: OMG, what a great man, devoted to his child, raising him by himself, the ex wife must be bad or he would not have his boy living with him.
My ex husband is lying and gets what he needs WHEN he wants it and that is attention, ego stroke, playing the “poor me syndrome” and a woman here and there.
I will not mention to him what I read on his myspace, because I cut the contact with him as well, pretty much at the same time I cut contact with the EUM. My ex husband is also EUM and has very narcissitic tendencies.
So, Becca, don’t believe what this man is telling you and why have a friendship with him? Remove yourself from this clown you don’t deserve that and please don’t believe him, unless he is willing to prove what he claims – and I don’t believe that he will. Don’t let him fool you!!
sorry, I meant “myspace” accounts
Hello everyone!
I only recently started reading this website and I have to say that it helped me tremendously. I am currently going tthrough a break up. In fact this is my first break up where I actually loved the guy! He ended it last week and I now I regret for being so weak and not ending it first. From reading all the posts on this website and the Mr. Unavailable Guide I realised I might have been involved with an EUM. Here the story goes:
When I met my EUM I was taken immediately. I am quite emotional and when I like someone it all tends to happen very fast. The problem is that I RARELY like someone. With this guy everything was magic in the beginning. He pursued me actively, giving the impression I was all he desired in a women. He would call me and text me all the time, he would kiss me and caress me to the point where I’d even think it was all too much. All that attention, his charms and the fact I felt so lonely made me fall in love with him. I thought he was my soulmate because we appeared to like the same things and share the same interests. He was 10 years older so I saw the ‘father figure’ in him. Then after 3-4 months everything changed. I suspect he had ‘ex girlfriend’ issues as he would talk about her quite often, telling me what a b*tch she was and how she tortured him although he liked her a lot. He would tell me what she did when they were together. I felt he compared me to her. To make things worse he started calling me less and less, sometimes not hearing from him for a few days. When I confronted him he would say he didn’t have the need to talk to me. Our dates were well planned and he would only see me 2 days a week, because he couldn’t magine spending more time with a girlfriend. He woul always patronise me, never compliment me and always criticise me. After the first 4 months he told me that our relationship had no future because he did not want the same things I did (he hates children and family life). He said he comes from a family where he never saw love and he doesn’t know how to love. He didn’t even care about his own mother! He said he only fell for 2 women in his life and in the end he chose his career over one of them and the other left him (the ex girlfriend I was talking about). However he did not break up with me. Then I made my biggest mistake. I stayed with him. I saw him as a challenge and I thought I could make him love me. He did not break the relationship then because it was convenient for him to stay (he was between jobs and with plenty of time on his hands). From that moment I gave him everything and he gave me nothing. I would cook for him, arrange all our dates, call him, be loving with him, live with his problems, involve him in my life, and even bought a holiday for the two of us. He would not even introduce me to his friends properly, he would make plans on his own and ignore me for days sometimes. When I told him about the holiday I bought as a surprise he cringed. He said he can’t even imagine going on a holiday with me because 7 days is a long time to spend with me. I was so hurt but still I persisted. I humiliated myself so badly, I lost my self esteem and I forgot who I really was. I became needy and unsecured. Shortly after the holiday incident he told me he can’t continue with me. I guess he got scared. He told me he realised he treated me badly but this was exactly the way his ex treated him and thats why he knew no better. He also said he never loved me and he never thought of me when we were not together. He was so blunt. My heart was into pieces. The inetersting thing is that all my friends disliked him because they thought he was full of shit and way too smug and overconfident.I knew he was no good for me, yet I spent almost a year with him. I blame myself for not stopping this utter madness earlier. I am not a weak girl in general but when in a relationship I don’t know how to love myself and prioritise my own needs. I lived for him and I regret this bitterly now. I was so unhappy yet I lived for those 2 days when I’d usually see him. From what I read in this website, I will have to label him as Mr. Unavailable rather than someone who just wanted to break up. He knew from the very beginning he could not love me, yet he would torture me for months instead of breaking up earlier, hoping I would end it. I just need to rebuild my self esteem now and revisit my own issues. I know I should be angry but I still think of him every day. I keep on thinkign I was not good enough although I know HE HAS A PROBLEM. I don’t know how to cope with all these conflicting thoughts in my head…
Wow, it sounds like he is a sadist!
Svet, I think that you realize you both have a problem but the good part of this painful story is that you have recognized the behavior and you’re out. Recognition is the first step to recovery!
I’m sorry you have experienced such a hurtful relationship but thankfully you’re no longer involved with such a mixed-up individual .
Just reading this post, and Svet, I can identify! What still makes me so angry about my EUM is that we always got on, he clearly loves my company,and a friend’s intervention had him saying that he was ‘nervous’ about taking things further. We did start a sexual relationship, and I gave the EUM every opportunity to move away from me after that, as I felt he was going ‘off the boil’. But he didn’t, and what really hurt was him telling me about this amazing connection we have, and how I’m one of the best people he’s ever met, and how he couldn’t imagine life without me in it, and of course, how he ‘wanted to be friends’. But he didn’t want a relationship – he could have told me, as I’d given him so many chances to – these guys just act like they want, and then don’t get it when we don’t just go ‘oh well, you’re so great that yeah, lets just be friends!’. My EUM is 45,and has been married (for convienience,long story) and engaged (broke up 4 years ago) and I do think that with men of a certain age, they get so wrapped up in their other single male friends, drinking and moaning, that a relationship is too much to think about.In which case, don’t go on a dating website….!! You might find a woman you like, but you’re only going to hurt her….
hey marcy: sounds just like my ex EUM only he is 53 and lives and only wants to connect with nature and kayak and camp and to have no financial responsibilities. He lived with my son and me in the house that I own and didnt contribute much finacially ( I know now that I let this happen) but because he built an addition onto my house he thought that that was good enough. He did enhance the equity in my house signifigantly but he did the same thing with a couple of other women before me. I was so blind to his charming talk that I couldnt see him for what he really is yet every single day I cry for this man as I am right now! Now he is with another woman and they will be getting a condo in the spring together and I feel so much pain. It is so freaking hard and every day all I want to do is contact him. I honestly dont think that I was in this much pain when I marriage broke up. I remember saying to myself back then that I would never trust a man again. (he had an affair after 14 years of being together). So I know that I have a lot of healing and soul searching to get back on track again. How can a person trust again after trust has been broken again. I dont know how I will do it….
Marcy,
Did he tell your friend what he was “nervous” about?
Did he tell you initially that you were headed towards a relationship or that he loved you??
Anymore contact from him?
Blueyes, you have my sympathy, not just for you, but because your son was involved with this, which must have made things much more difficult. The trouble is, like all of us here, we hope that these men will be different this time, and sadly, they’re not. And we hope that we’ll be the woman who makes the scales fall from their eyes, and they’ll realise they’ve behaved like crap – but we’re not. On a smaller scale,like you I’m just one in a series of women that my EUM has done this to, and what might help is to realise we won’t be the last. This other woman will probably end up telling the same story as the rest of us, but in the meantime,we keep on hoping, don’t we? Hope – the terrible thing that means we don’t move on. I wish you all the best, and hope that you’ve made a LOT of money on your house from that terrible man! People like him ought to just disappear into the woods like Grizzly Adams and have a bear for company – at least a grizzly won’t want to have a relationship…
Good luck. You’re a good woman who doesn’t deserve this, but take a break from relationships for a bit, eh? Don’t start another one feeling angry.
HI Gaynor, think our posts must have crossed! No idea about the ‘nervous’ thing,but the signs were all there that a relationship was on the cards (too long to go into here) but he went away for work, and after that it was all different. But he wanted to be friends…like all of them! I know some of his exes, and he’s big on that,not so big on telling them he loves them. And ooh, just remembered, they told me he was unsympathetic and very good at using people. Jeez, I must be mad…..!
Marcy,
If your mad, then we’re all mad.
What did the friendship entail? Does this guy know he has a problem?
Well, doctors say unrequited love can make us mad.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/4240579.stm
Anyway, I think my EUM knows he’s got a lot of problems, but I dont’ think he knows that Emotional Unavailability is one of them, despite me berating him for leading me on, and I did tell him that he won’t let himself be happy – and neither does he deserve to be.
Does he care how much he hurt you?
After my first break with the ex- didn’t realize what was happening yet-we decided to be friends. I truly wanted to keep it on a platonic level but he would do things to draw me back in. He would proclaim his love and tell me we were working towards a relationship but couldn’t do so until he found employment, even though he had a very generous severance package and was able to do quite a bit of socializing with friends. I think the most hurtful thing is that he knew that I loved him but he continued to keep up this farce with no regards to my feelings. I tolerated this nonsense for three-months and then decided love myself again and remove him from my life. This man knows he has issues with not letting people in but chooses not to make any changes, therefore continuing to hurt and mistreat other women.
I can’t believe I believed his nonsense and excuses, if someone questions the ability to incorporate us into their lives, we must move on immediately!!!!
I can identify with the posts here to the point that they bring tears to my eyes. I could have written most of them. My experience w/my EUM who was married, said I was his ”soul mate” , he’s leaving his wife, etc…..four years later…..all that’s changed is that he now has another out of town boudie call girl he ”loves”. He is classic. Hot/Cold, push pull— the whole insane scene. I tried many times to leave, to cut myself emotionally away, but he fed a need in me. I spent most of my time living for a text message, an email…a chance that we could meet up in some sleezy motel. gaaagg I can’t believe it was me.
Now, a year later, I am in a much happier place. HOWEVER, I really did let myself ”go”. I gained 50 pounds and had a minibreakdown. Please wish me luck in leaving the 50 pounds and this ass-clown in the past.
Anyone else out there dealt with their pain by trying to numb themselves with food?
Abril,
Mine was the opposite, I lost a dangerous amount of weight. I get stressed and was incapable of eating and the metabolism didn’t help. My friends were concerned and said I looked emaciated but I think my favorite comment was “you look more mature.” Yikes!!!!!!!
Extreme weight gain or weight loss, both are equally bad.
Wishing you a happy and healthy one!!!!
At first I couldnt sleep, eat and was having panic attacks. (lost 10lbs in a month,) I lost 3 clients because of my mental state. (I think that it was the universe giving me some time to cope a bit) I will be waiting for a call on Monday from the mental health office concerning my getting some help. I hope to get into a “loss type of group” or I am looking into some sort of group that helps with self esteem. I have to do something…..
Blue,
Sounds like a good move. I’m sure you’ll find the right group that will help you get through this period.
What i cant get my head around is ive never ever come across a guy that is EUM…till i met the man im seeing now, but its only been 2months and im not sure if he is one of them, but when we met it was instant attraction and we got on fantastically….he stayed over a few times but never slept with me, now im not blowing my own trumpet but im an attrative lady that gets alot of offers…and he said its a respect thing, so i thought o.k thats very nice of him…then wam out of the blue he stopped chasing me which in turn made me want him more..lucky for me i clicked on quickly and only put up with absue and smart ass remarks for a week, asking me out for new year then saying he doesnt know what hes doing? HuH? strange behaviour…i decided to tell him that i might as well F off and do my own thing…so i walked away from him with no contact for 7days, then wam out of the blue he txted me today? humm all nice and rang me tonight being over nice….to tell me hes off to oz for 2mths to work and back for 1mth rest…and will i miss him while hes gone? flirty flirty bla bla he will text tomorow…interesting i thought, never come across this behaviour before? any one out there can help me get my head around this strange mixed feeling im getting from this man…im stable and dont like playing games, and this feels like one with him.
i have come out of a 12year relationship about 2years ago, so am i out of touch with the dating thing maybe? the strangest thing is when i decided to not contact him and wait and see if he contacted me, i started feeling good in the non contact patch i had, hes actually starting to make me feel a bit bumed out when im around him, and im a very positive person, so hence why im scratching my head as to why i would feel this way, maybe its a gut feeling telling me “something is just not right with this guy…they say we have gut feelings for a reason.
Hi everybody! I am new here but I could copy/paste Svets story and call it my own it was sooo much like what happened to me. It makes me not so much “feel better” hearing someone else with the same issue, but it does make me breathe a little easier knowing its not just me. I am on day 10 of NC and it feels good to not be doing it in hopes of a certain reaction this time. I did read somewhere that “What comes should not be avoided and what goes should not be followed” I tell myself that a lot these days.
Thank you everybody for more than you all know.
Loverandfighter,
I am sorry to hear you are in the same boat as me. It is very important not to contact your EMU as it speeds up the healing process. This guy is not worth it anyway. Just think about everything he did to you and then ask yourself the question: Do I need this drama in my life?
I am on day 35 of no contact and I am pleased to report that I have started to feel better (thanks to all my friends nda family and of course to this amazing website). I still think of him almost every day however I don’t feel the same despair and I am fully aware now that he never deserved me. He is an asshole and will always remain so. I have decided to never talk/see him again. I am going to fall in love again but beforehand I need to start loving myself first. Being single is not a curse as I initially thought. I actually feel more balanced now when all this drama has left my life.
Good luck to everyone and remember we are far better than all these destructive men in our lives.
Thank you Svet. This website has really helped me see the light. Congrats on day 35! That is awesome and I look forward to being there. I did get one text from him saying “Hey, happy new year jerk”. Haha…he sure does know how to sweet talk me. 😉 I realized that the root of my evil attractions comes from not dealing with my fathers suicide when I was 14 and just going straight into survival mode. I haven’t been with but a handful of guys but they have all been EUMs with the exception of 1 that I totally mistreated. This most recent one was the last straw for me. I am too old and tired now to be chasing down attention. I do love myself, and I am totally ok alone. But, I am telling you, I really hate how this toolbox got me so wrapped up in his world. Honestly, if he came to me now and wanted me back, I wouldn’t go…I really do just enjoy the puzzle. It makes me sad to admit that. But, like someone on here said..some puzzles just aren’t worth solving.
Loveandfighter,
I also enjoy the drama. This is my biggest problem. Without my EMU who used to give me plenty of drama, my life seems empty and boring. This is what we should fight. We should learn how to lead a hassle free, stable life without the unnecessary complications that we seem to have a love/hate relationship with.
I completely understans you when you say that you have been with many EMUs. I am the same. I also had one good guy but I was not attracted to him because he did not GIVE ME THE DRAMA I wanted. It is quite sad I must say. Unlike you however I think I don’t love myself enough that’s why I am attracted to jerks who mistreat me. There is a long way to go before I can find true happiness. I can’t even say that my bad relationship choices are connected to my family. I have healthy and supportive parents, yet somehow I managed to mess up my love life.
Keep up with NC and remember that there is someone for everyone. Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince. It will happen one day, but meanwhile stay away from EMUs!
“It will happen one day, but meanwhile stay away from EMUs!” I think an Emu is a bird. I will stay away from EMUs and EUMs!! 🙂
Well, it’s been about 2 months since I posted my story and I’m still hanging on to the creep. Why are these guys so hard for us to let go of?
So its been a year since I asked for advice to NML, at first everything was fine I was really strong and following the advice, until the ass-clown came back asking for forgiveness, so stupid blond me got back with him. After that we were together for almost a year, and got to tell you nothing changed he kept being hot/cold and everything, except for a small thing this whole time he cheated on me. So I have been free for four months now, he keeps coming back, and got to tell you it feels really good to tell him no. So I have been doing great I occasionally cry for no reason, like right now reading my own post brings back the memories, but I know everything is going to be fine I am not going to die if he is not with me.
But to the rest of the girls that are dealing with this right now try to tell no to him, believe me you will feel great because you are finally the one in control and it probably will be hard the first weeks but after that you are going to feel amazing, just keep thinking of the bad things he has done and don’t fell sorry for him. Do not make the same mistake I did and RUN!!
Guys are just mostly unpredictable and still hard to leave anyway no matter how rude they were especially when you really have a feelings.
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Love reading this blog, it’s just very informative enough that you can really relate into it.
Relationship break up advice
.-= Relationship break up advice´s last blog ..Relationship Break Up Advice Blog: There are 50 ways to leave your lover – Including online…Part two =-.