In this two part post, I want to talk about two themes that consistently run through comments on this blog where the person is finding it difficult to move on and stop obsessing and analysing:
1) Feeling validated by the other party after the relationship has ended
2) Getting the other party to understand your perspective or to understand where they have gone ‘wrong’, what they have ‘lost’ etc.
Validation and the concept of the other other party understanding you and ‘getting it’ are intrinsically tied to each other…and unfortunately, you would do far better to get back in touch with yourself and validate your own self-esteem and thought process through self love and understanding, than you would to keep pursuing the holy grail of poor relationships.
The first thing I will say is this:
If you didn’t feel validated by him when you were in the relationship, the likelihood is that you’re unlikely to get validated by him when he’s out of it.
We tend to seek validation in the form of him:
realising that we were an amazing woman that they’ve lost,
realising that they were indeed an assclown,
pursuing us after we’ve dumped them/done no contact,
recognising their ‘issues’,
recognising that what they did was ‘wrong’,
and having a thunderbolt of clarity that leads to them racing back into our lives and us living happily ever after.
For any of these things to happen, he needs to understand not only what the issues were that led to the failure of the relationship, but he also needs to actually give a monkey’s about you, and potentially want to be different…for himself.
For a start, many of the men that fail to validate or ‘get’ what it is that is the problem, have a lack of empathy that can sometimes associate them with being borderline narcissists.
Some of these men have the compassion of a stone, some live on me-me-me island, some just can’t see past their nose never mind their penises, and some have absolutely zero interest in understanding a damn thing that comes out of your mouth. In fact, whatever they say, they have very little real interest in you! It is about their needs, their wants, and their expectations – what you need, want, or expect is not part of the equation.
Often, and this will be hard to hear, you don’t want him to validate or understand you because you care about his welfare and want him to be a better person for him, regardless. You want him to do these things for you.
Herein lies the problem because not only do you still need and want him on some level, but you don’t realise the favour he’s doing by being his true self, and you don’t realise that you cannot impose change upon someone and if they have to do a 360 degree turn to fit into your idea of the relationship, in fact, if you need them to change full stop for it to work, this ship is not sailing! I know we have been raised to believe we have to raise a man from the ground up and that we should just change him when things don’t work because we know better, but actually, we don’t. You are throwing your emotional energy into the abyss…
They’re disconnected from themselves and don’t really do introspection so you’re expecting quite a lot of them.
You want him to see something that he just doesn’t see. I see one of these guys and I think ‘assclown’. They look at themselves in the mirror and think ‘I’m a great catch, I just haven’t found the right woman yet and she’s just crazy and needy.’ Do you really think that people who think like this are going to think ‘Ah..she just wants me to understand…’? No, they just think you’re even crazier and needier, and that they are justified in their behaviour.
You’re still expecting and even though you may feel that you are justified in this thought process because of everything you have been through, it’s a bit like taking out a bad investment and then investing even more emotional money in trying to make it a good investment.
Sometimes it is best to cut your losses, recognise how you ended up making a bad investment, and move the hell on. Yes it will be painful, yes it’s a loss, but you can minimise the effect of the loss by controlling how much more energy you invest. I’m not saying you can’t feel upset about a bad investment; I am however saying that there comes a time when the wallowing and the obsessing has taken its hold on you for too long and you’re using it to avoid dealing with the fallout of the bad investment and taking charge of your own happiness. Whilst some people do seem to be at their most comfortable when they’re miserable and blaming others (not a good thing), most people should be uncomfortable with being like this.
People are unpredictable and just because you think, feel, and act one way doesn’t mean that the object of your affections will think, feel, and act as you do.
If he’s not in the relationship, and you are, whether that’s because you have what you think are both of your feet in the relationship whilst he has one or neither, or whether the relationship is over but you’re still invested, he’s not going to be validating anything but the negatives.
If your relationship has none or rocky foundations and doesn’t have strong boundaries and values at the cornerstone of it, you are unlikely to be on the same page. We choose men that reflect the things that we believe about ourselves, love, and relationships and at the end of the day, if you’re seeking validation from a man you’ve been engaged in a poor relationship with, you can’t possibly be someone carrying positive beliefs.
Why? Because you don’t need this guy to validate what you already know. Whilst acknowledgement and retribution in the form of him having an epiphany about himself is nice to have, it’s very unrealistic, and ultimately it won’t really change much if you don’t learn how to validate your own beliefs and perceptions. Plus you could be in for a long wait…
If you know what he did was wrong, you don’t need him to validate that judgement.
If you recognise that you are being disrespected, and he doesn’t, it doesn’t matter because you’re the one who has made the judgement call. Why do you need to teach him anything?
More in part two.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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NML- I really appreciate your post as I have taken Katb to her first Al-Anon meeting. I really like the thought process of what you say about validation and concept- yes ladies this is manipulation, I know you dont feel it is, but I promise you it is, trying to help someone understand you is control in its most basic form.
Thankgod for Mike. Ladies its time to do some serious work on yourselves, stop obsessing about him, its time to start obsessing about yourselves, and your own emotional availability. Lets kick arse, in a ladylike way that is. NO GAMES!!! ever. A natural belief in yourself and who you are and what you want. NO BULLSHIT, thats what you want.
Sorry that was me, didnt change name from katyb’s post. Yes she is ok. Has’nt heard from ABF, thats good. I want her now reading some good books about her own emotional unavailability, because she is truley that, xxx sorry katyb but its true babe. xxx Ive shown you the way, given you some books. Its up to you now honey.
What I don’t undertand is why do you make “having a man” such a top priority? I don’t mean to upset anyone on this post with that statement, but you can just as easily do the same things you do with a man ( minus sex – which with some women, I hear it ain’t all that great anyway) that you can do on your own. I know some women that won’t see a movie by themselves because they think other people will perceive them as some sort of “loser.” I mean it never occurs to these women that the other people are there TO SEE THE MOVIE. I have female friends that will attend concerts, movies, sporting events on their own if they want to. I guess my point is to not stop living because you don’t have a man in your life. Maybe some of us are not destined to spend an entire lifetime with one man (or woman) but we are destined to spend an entire lifetime with ourselves, so why waste it?
Mike, it is because of the way women are socialized from birth. Even today, the most important thing is having a husband and family. It can be a very competitive thing for women too.
I had a 20 year marriage and it was hell.
I look at my workmates who are married and have small children and I can’t see how their lives are all that great working full time and then having to take care of small children and a home. They seem to cater to their husband’s every whim. Or the stay at home wife whose existence is to keep the house spotlessly clean. You pretty much give up your life to be a full time maid.
I think women look to a man to provide them some magical existence and the longer I live why would you expect some magical existence from people that are so closed off from their emotions as many men are?
I’m not ready to date again but I think I will just date a lot of guys and no sex until I really feel like it. I wont be having sex to get some guy to like me better or because he has fed me some stellar bs.
I can see myself having maybe 2-3 boyfriends at the same time to really meet my needs.
lol-I know, I know, Im getting it. I suppose I want the fairytale ending that Rules had. Her man coming back and making his amendment to her, and doing what NML said, validating her. But as she remeinds me, it took him 7 years!!!!!!!! LOL. Keiran, I know you will never read this but… You truly where her salvation, funny really, being the one who nearly destroyed her. She learnt so much from her relationship with you, and recognised she had serious issues of her own. I knew you then and I know you now, you are truly a different man. I suppose, I hope and I pray that ABF will do the same, but I know in my heart he just is’nt desperate enough, as rules says, addicts are so good at having options, he has plenty. You had none, and you chose not to find any others, Im truly in awe of you. How did Rules get to be so lucky?
Ladies this was not luck or a fairy tale ending. I mean it. It took the near death of two people, both in the throes of each addiction. It was murder for us both. Letting go of someone who I was truly addicted to, as well as all the substances that I had becaome addicted to through being with him and raising a child, I promise all of you, this woman was LOVING TO DEATH a man, who could not love her. This tale is one of extremes, through taking it lightley every man who had hurt her, until I met my catyalist, My one true addiction. Every man I met was a relapse I would split up get myself up and going not looking at my issues until I really chose rock bottom, a fully fledged addict of every narcotic known to man, how did I get to be with him and get him to love me? I felt sorry for him, thought I could teach him and show him the way but the reality was I used with him. Thats how low I sank. From a women studying law to a women addicted to coke, alcohol, skunk,sex and a no hope freakin loser. I allowed him to take my soul. Then ladies he kicked me to the curb. I promise you all if you do not address your issues, get some freakin backbone this could become a reality for you. It was hell and it was hell for 3 years after I’d dragged myself away from him.
Rules… in no way is this meant to funny or direspectful but you should write a book or get movie deal going on your story. You’ve obviously been to hell and back – more power to you and I truly hope that your life continues to get better with each passing day.
Mike,
You sound like you’re clear about what you want (or don’t want) and communicate it in relationships, which definitely makes you non-EUM in my book. But the EUMs you talk about are ones who don’t want to be in a committed relationship but string women who do along with deliberately deceptive behaviour. They’re actually not so hard to deal with (once you realize what’s happening and if you have some self-esteem) because it’s easier to see they’re a waste of time, or downright nasty. What about emotionally distant (in my experience 40+) guys who would really like to be in a stable relationship but just can’t cut it, are deeply unhappy about it but don’t seem to be able to do anything about it? Would be interesting to know your thoughts.
Peacefrog
I would have to say that if they are what you just described, then leave them alone… very alone. They don’t know what the heck they want, so why drag yourself down with them? I would say something like “I hope you figure out what you want from life, but I have my own to live and need to get on living it.”
I’m sure you’ve invested quite enough of your heart and time into this person, and probably have not received much in return. That is not a relationship. You can’t be a crutch to someone – especially someone who doesn’t appear to WANT to change – at least that’s what I’m gathering from your comment.
Mike
You’re right, and that’s what I think by now. I’d just be interesting to know if a guy like yourself, who sounds clued-up, has any insight into that kind of behaviour. It’s pretty alien from a female point of view.
My guess would be that he might be going thru a “mid-life’ crisis.. he looks around and thinks his life is boring. Nothing to do with you of course. Maybe he’s feeling that he should be more successful at this stage of his life or whatever. Unfortunately, he’s decided to shut down rather than make any changes. And he’s taking his “poor me” attitude out on you…. which sucks!!
A major such crisis, definitely, but previous relationship mess is more of the problem (his career’s a success). And I know it’s nothing to do with me – in fact he reckoned that if he could sort himself out he might well be happy with me. What’s difficult to understand is what comes across as a mix of emotional brokenness and complete rationality. Most women I know who can’t cope with a relationship either communicate the fact or else act like a complete headcase, not both. So like I said, I wondered what men who aren’t in such a crisis think or understand about men who are…
Just wondering about one thing… What if you know he is/was an EUM… you KNOW you got out because no matter if you stood on your head he would not be emotionally available to you.. What if he DID end up meeting someone after you and then started to do all of the things that YOU asked him to do? And you know by mutual friends that this next girl is now benefitting from all that you begged him to do… HOW do you get over that??? It’s driving me MAD!!!!! Natalie.. Can you help with this? What they hay? I know.. it’s lack of self worth… and wanting to validate my unworthiness that is keeping me in this cycle.. but What the hay? WHY is he giving this girl Everything that he couldn’t give me????? He’s already ready to propose after 8 months of dating her? And we were together over 2 years and I got nothing…??? That’s the hardest part of all this.. HELP!!!!!!!!!!
keri, sometimes it’s just because you two were not a true match and it hurts like hell when you were the one who didn’t want it to end. I know how that feels, been through it. You also need to realize that you want a man that is crazy about you and he obviously wasn’t …but I’m sure the one who will be is out there, and you just have to be know your worth and appreciate yourself. HUGS
Mike, I know that you can never teach a man about the values of a relationship (can’t teach an old dog new tricks) but like Peacefrog said, you sound very clear on what you want and don’t want. So it becomes frustrating that other men cannot seem to grasp this simple concept. Admittedly there are women like this so I am not putting all the blame on men … but with the men who are ACs maybe YOU could teach them values haha.
Also I agree with Tina. Most women are programmed from an early age to believe in the so-called ‘fairy tale’ ending. I personally blame Disney – the typical damsel in distress waiting for her Prince to come and save her, when really Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, The Little Mermaid, and all the other protagonists, should have put it into fifth gear and bloody well fought for themselves! Even at school the ‘loner’ kid was bullied because they were ‘Billy-No-Mates’.
I did used to think that I was ‘incomplete’ without a guy because when I was younger I never had a BF and all my friends did, and I wondered if there was anything ‘wrong’ with me but I grew up and stopped believing in the fairy tales and realized there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I just wanted to be in relationship for all the wrong reasons – because I thought I HAD to be one half of a whole.
So I think it would be important to teach children that it is sometimes ok to be alone and that it can be a relaxing and enjoyable experience, so that when they grow up they won’t find it so daunting. It was only last month that I went to the cinema for the first time ever and it was actually really fun – not having another person whispering to you in your ear and no-one to share the popcorn with ïŠ Even going for walks along the beach and just sitting infront of the sea reading a book or listening to music alone can be the most relaxing thing in the world. So relaxing that validation from any man, or anyone is no longer required.
Keri – I highly suggest you read NML’s blog called ‘He’s with someone else – Why her and not me?’ Pay close attention to when she says:
“This is why I keep telling women to stop trying to raise men from the ground up and change them because the overwhelming likelihood is that it’s the NEXT woman that profits from your rennovation whilst you sit there in negative equity!”
Again a perfect blog and example of how EUMs ONLY THINK ABOUT THEMSELVES. Keep smiling Keri and trust in this site to help you find your strong self again x
Keri, here is the link if you want to have a gander, which I highly think you should
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/hes-with-someone-else-why-her-and-not-me/
What a great site! I have just spent the whole evening explaining to this guy, how much I had done for him and how the world revolves around him. In a nutshell, I was moving on from our friendship/relationship.
.
It’s just so painful when you have invested so much time into someone , and they are just not that into you.
Do I need some personal time reflection ? Just slightly tired of meeting the wrong type of men
“They’re disconnected from themselves and don’t really do introspection so you’re expecting quite a lot of them. You want him to see something that he just doesn’t see.”
I like this statement NML. Looking for validation or for him to recognize he is an idiot, quite frankly, makes me an idiot. And I’ve had enough of beating myself up and feeling bad about it all, time to move on, next step. It doesn’t matter what the hell he thinks. It’s time I internalize and believe it, everyday I do more and more.
I’m 25 days NC, after he dumped me by text, no warning, after we had gotten to a stage of us talking every day instead of any texting (his idea oddly), after 3rd yo-yo go-around in the relationship. When the next better woman came along, texting became convenient again for the kiss-off. Bitter pill to swallow is that I responded with I love yous and be happy, but never contact me again (was still in shock, not angry yet), but this was the last yo-yo for me.
I blocked his number next day after breakup. Honestly, knowing I’ll never have to worry when next text or contact will come is such a relief. Being SERIOUS about no contact has allowed me to see what a self-absorbed gross person he is, and what a waste of time.
This article is a great reminder – if I am thinking about this loser at this point, I need to concentrate on me and my life. It’s not fun to be alone and work on your issues, but it’s a hell of a lot better than the previous alternative.
Loving Annie, great post earlier on – I look forward to being where you are.
Caroline –
Some personal time reflection sounds like a great idea, especially at a time like this. I’m not be one to give advice given I’m fairly new to the idea of recognizing and opting out of EUM relationships, but it feels important for me to realize “meeting the wrong type of men” begins with changing myself. Time alone is crucial for that to happen.
When we have strong sense of self, good self-esteem and good boundaries, we don’t attract the wrong types. At least that’s what I am learning and hope to see one day it is true. It’s a struggle sometimes, but I do believe it’s true. Hugs and good wishes.
Most of the women on this site, when they talk about the EUM’s they were involved with say they’ve been together for quite awhile. A year, two years, many lots longer then that. So you may have a good guy for a year or year and a half and then they suddenly change. Maybe you had a committment from them, or talked about marriage or moving in together. My point is the reason so many of us get hooked is the change in their behavior can be so sudden that it catches us off guard. One minute you’re in a relationship with someone you love, who says they love you, who acts like they love you and then they turn around and completely change. That’s what happened to me.
I was in a committed relationship, we spent lots of time together, we made plans for our future. Then it all changed, just like that. So if you’ve never dated or been involved with an EUM before you are just speechless. Yes, there were red flags that I missed but nobody is perfect. I didn’t start feeling and acting upset until he started changing.
That’s the problem with dealing with men like this. I’m not naive by any means but I was truly shocked by his behavior. I started to wonder if he one of the pods in the Body Snatchers, you know, you put the pod under the bed and when they wake up they’re someone else…lol. I kept thinking, who is this person?
It’s not as simple as women acting like doormats and obssessing for no reason. I think many of us are just blindsided and don’t know how to handle it.
The hit to my ego still stings but I no longer want him. He’s called me many times since the break up. I have talked to him a few times and at first when you’ve done NC for months it’s almost like a drug when you make contact again. But after you realize that this person has no intention of changing, that there is no point in keeping up contact, you lose interest.. I mean what the heck are you going to talk about? How he cheated and lied? How disconnected he is? How much more of my precious time am I going to waste on somone that clearly had no problem being an assclown?
In the end you have to move on and let it go but it’s taken me five months to be able to say that and mean it.
Keri, a toad is still a toad and just because he “appears” to be loving and giving to someone else, doesn’t mean he really is. Sure he may marry her but he is still the same AC and she’ll see his true colours and divorce him.
As for teaching values, most of that comes from our parents. What I see are parents who coddle and cater to their sons and no wonder they grow up with a sense of entitlement.
They’ve never had to do a single thing for anyone else so why should they start?
Their mums are the household servant.
If that is how you were raised, then why wouldn’t boys grow up to think that is what women do.
I tried to raise my son differently. He knows how to do chores, does his own cooking and laundry. As a teen he babysat for extra money so he is good with kids and knows how to take care of someone else. He has had a dog that he is responsible for. He turned out to be a fine young man who actually cares about others.
No offense taken Mike. My story is nothing compared to some of the women and men Ive met. It truly is frightening what can happen if you let it. I def dont want my story published or written about because it is not unique and Im nothing special at all. I just want to point out what can happen if things get out of hand. I dont blame my ex, I blame myself. He got it, thankgod he saved his life. Im thankful for that. But it was’nt and should’nt have been my mission to save him. I should have been saving myself.
I like your post myalmostlover because I sometimes still feel that i want him to make contact or say im sorry or acknowledge my pain as if talking about it (yet again) is going to make any difference. And you are right it is precious time wasted on someone who lied and cheated and said that he loved me but yet his actions and behavior said something different. Reading this last post from NML has helped me to realize that I need to learn how to validate myself. It is a big challenge for me because I have never come across someone who lacked so much empathy, compassion, introspection — i can go on and on…….and it has blindsided me and hit me hard not to be able to get this man to understand how much he has hurt me. Slowly I am starting to realize that he can never really grasp this because he just is not capable of it and that at some point I really have to let go of the idea that he one day can or will. Little by little I am shifting from NEEDINg or WANTING him to validate me to ACCEPTING that he can’t or that I dont need it to come from him! And acceptance doesn’t involve something having been wrong or right or that you are ok with what happened………it just means ACCEPTING that their is nothing you can do about it or to change another person— the focus has to be on how can I change myself so that I dont attract these types of men or put myself in this situation again. Trying …every day trying…
“They look at themselves in the mirror and think ‘I’m a great catch, I just haven’t found the right woman yet and she’s just crazy and needy.’ Do you really think that people who think like this are going to think ‘Ah..she just wants me to understand…’? No, they just think you’re even crazier and needier, and that they are justified in their behaviour.” I just wanted to say that this is so well put and it speaks for itself how those men think and function. The sadest thing is that I realised that the more time you spend with them the more you are going to regret because those people bacically have twisted and dark characters. They simply cannot make anyone happy! Sounds creepy but it is the truth.
Here’s a good one. I was contacted yesterday by a former boyfriend. Over the years now and then he would contact me. Sometimes we would meet and catch up on where our lives were, etc. I thought it always strange that he would start the contact by saying he “missed me”. Never really thought much of it though, nothing which would raise a “flag”. Until now….
He sends me an email with the usual “I miss you” remark and then goes on and on about himself. He just ended his 3rd marriage with a woman he met on an airplane for a business trip. (Classic AC or what?)
My old self would have responded to him but the new me said “whoa, hold on here. This guy is the classic AC and I’m not buying any of his lies or making time for him, or giving an ego stroke.” I deleted the email never responded and had to laugh about what a fool he is making of himself. So you see, many of these AC never learn. They never get it – they just need the ego stroke.
Thank goodness for NML and all of you. I’m more aware now and to some degree conscious of what’s happening and will hopefully read the signs earlier from here on out.
Not sure if this will help anyone, but here goes … I’m on day 22 of NC (yes I am counting!) and with each day I feel better. But this time more than the many other times, because I’ve made the commitment to myself that this is OVER.
Call it my “Gift of Life”. You can do this too. Think about the time, the effort, the love, the years that you have basically wasted on someone elses wishes. You werent playing by your rules, you were playing by his rules. If you broke his rules, he was gone, if only for a little while. Then here he comes … still with his rules … and we shrug off ours and continue with him.
It is a vicious cycle and it takes super strength to stop it. He doesnt have the strength … You do! We have to dig down deep inside ourselves. We have to want to be Happy! Were you happy with him? My guess the answer is a resounding NO! or Not really, or Occasionally. Well, they would be my answers anyway.
So let’s all give ourselves our lives back! Our own lives! Our rules. Doesnt that sound great!?!?
annied, Yeah, you got it!!
You sound great!
betterwithouthim, I had that happen to me too, here is the funny thing,
he will e-mail again even if you don’t respond. Makes me wonder does he care if he gets an response, just wanted to offload his blah blah on to somebody or will he forget he wrote to you? What do you think?
In the past I would have done the same thing and responded before I found this great website.
Astelle- I think he will have forgotten he wrote to me in the first place. Which makes the whole situation even funnier, for me anyways! 5 months of NC and I’m finally getting it. Amen!
Annied- Way to go GF!!!
Better, good for you, I am so glad that you got it.
Took me a long time to get it, but I can laugh now at things that happened. 
Hi Everyone. Due to a technical fault with the previous service which notifies you by email when I publish a new post, I have had to move to a new provider. The error means you will now need to sign up to the Feedblitz service if you want to start receiving emails again. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. Thanks Natalie/NML
I too still want my EU ex to realize what an amazing woman he lost. I hope I run into him one day and hope he will then start charming his way back in. Only for me to be able to tell him face to face to take a hike. Maybe because we ended it via email and I never saw him again. It just doesn´t feel like closure when you happily kis eachother goodbye one day as if nothing is the matter and the only and last contact after that is a lame email.
I am over him, wouldn´t want him back if you paid me, but I am not over the bruise in my ego.
I am over my ex-eum too, I cut of the contact for good reasons I told him to his face that I was cutting contact, felt great really great to have done so, a couple of bad days and some indecsion as to whether I should call after hearing his friend was in a coma which I didn’t do.. so it is six weeks now .. I feel proud to have made it .. but why do I get these silly urges to contact him.. I hate them and having to fight them .. I know I made the right decision.. (just venting) I will carry on with no contact ..
Anne,
If you want to get back at him, you are a long way from being over him. This is how I felt in the early days of breaking it off with the AC. When you are indifferent to this man you will know you are over him.
I agree with Gaynor, you are not over him and why are you looking for closure from him? You know you will never get it, make your own closure and don’t ever contact him again, your ego will get over it with time.
Tulipa, it just has been 6 weeks for you now? What happened? it should be much longer if I remember correctly. I am sorry that his friend is in a coma, but that doesn’t change the fact what he is.
Keep on venting but stick with NO Contact.
Hmm.. maybe you all are right. I don´t have an urge to confront other exes, I couldn´t care less about them. So yeah, maybe I am not over him. I will search for a way to get some closure by myself. Or maybe the anger will just go away with time.
Thanks for the feedback!
Ok, so I know this is going to sound so wrong, but I’ve been in a couple of relationships with AC’s and since then have been pretty happy either being single or single/mingling with people of the opposite sex. Men know that they say things that flatter women and I think NOT to be flattered (giving the fact that a compliment is meant to make you feel good) goes against my nature. However, what I’ve done to keep myself at arms length or “at bay” of sorts is to have a string of bs lines to give back to the men. Usually that does it and they understand that if they play with fire, they will get burnt. If you are cavalier about a believeable compliment, he will blush and start to think about you in way that makes him smile when he’s fixing breakfast in the AM or tying his shoes or getting his coffee, etc. I’ve had fun doing this for years and in the midst of it, I have some pretty doggone good male friends (who I do NOT have sex with) and not to mention female friends too! Marriage is not the brass ring and I believe someone on here said that you can actual enjoy living life with youself. I put it that way, because it sounds kinda creepy to me to think of doing things by myself. In the sense it’s the same thing with myself/besides myself. Semantics….anywho! I hope you ladies and gentlemen enjoy life to the fullest. It’s too daggone short. God Bless. PS (I actually came here to see different people’s views on self validation vs validation by others and stumbled upon this EXTREMELY interesting message board. LOL) You guys are great and I do mean that. I’m not being sarcastic.
I am a senior citizen and I have managed to have met a narcissist at this late date! Out of the blue he stopped calling and has changed his routine to avoid me…….(1mo.) I am seeing a psychologist,reading all I can on narcissism,and most of all,praying to forgive him so I may be free.Broken hearts don’t have an age.
Hi all, I have just found this site and everything you all say resonates with me so much. I was dumped by my EUM just over a month ago. We were together for 15 years, have three children and I got told in a phone call whilst I was at work. I was absolutely devestated. About a week or so after he left, the kids had their first contact with him (yes, he didn’t even bother to sit down with them, that was left up to me to explain to them). They came home and in true children style told me about their dad’s girlfriend. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach!
I confronted him about this and got a load of bs. I am still coming to terms with this but have a list of all of his AC qualities, and am really wanting NC but have to do the property settlement, kids contact etc, etc.
I’m so glad I stumbled on this site as when I am feeling at my lowest (which happens about twice a day), I log on and the posts here raise my spirits and remind me to focus on me.
It is going to take me quite a while to be at peace and move on, but I am heading in the right direction, whilst he has definitely traded down, to a doormat who hopefully will see him for the AC he really is and do herself a favour.
Thanks guys, I don’t think I would be doing this well without all the great advice and posts here.
amen, you are completely validating my inner thoughts and feelings. i don’t trust myself lately, but this is something i feel is true because i can sense it in me. regardless of my desires the truth stares you in the face and then its hard to deny it. your article sounds too familiar and the results have been relentlessly disappointing because i act on an impulse to be consumed by another’s opinion and it always ends badly to depend on another to make your feel happy.
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