I talk to a lot of people who feel daunted by the prospect of improving their self-esteem or making changes to their habits because they think that they’ve had too many problems or that because they’ve had a certain type of childhood, that it’s going to be too difficult or even impossible. Many assume that it’s only people who haven’t had ‘proper’ problems or who have had ‘good’ childhoods that can do these things with ‘ease’, but aside from this not being true, it’s a mentality that can shoot one in the foot.
During the Time Before Baggage Reclaim, a number of people summed up my behaviour and various experiences with “It’s because your father wasn’t around”. Now I’m not saying that this isn’t true (it played a big part), but that doesn’t explain something that I’ve observed time and again since I started writing Baggage Reclaim back in 2005:
There are people out there who had idyllic, great, good, OK childhoods and who have great relationships with both parents and in fact even have both parents still together and even siblings in relationships / happy, who have low self-esteem and get involved in unavailable and very shady relationships.
Equally, I personally know a lot of people who had difficult upbringings, had an addicted/absent parent, and have experienced tragedy and trauma,… who have good self-esteem and aren’t battering themselves in unhealthy relationships.
What this tells you is that it’s not all about the childhood or the parents. It can tell some of the story but not all of it, not least because we might have been adults for a significant period of time while making unhealthy choices.
I know from personal experience and observation that what we experience in childhood, especially when it’s unhealthy and contributes to shaping our view of ourselves and the world, does inform our habits in adulthood when we’re not conscious of the impact and are unconsciously repeating thinking and behaviour that doesn’t work for us. We can also be aware but feel powerless to evoke big change.
Our experiences can end up changing us because of how we interpret them. We can experience disappointment and rejection and it can change how we feel about ourselves even if right up until that point we actually felt good about us.
We can also have The Best Upbringing In The World, but if we chop at ourselves by engaging in comparison, never feeling good enough and doing stuff like seeking validation and people pleasing, our insecurities can be compounded.
Self-esteem is very much about how you feel about you. With what can seem like the pressure to pursue happiness, to be coupled up on Noah’s relationship ark, to essentially get our sh*t together, to meet impossible standards put forward by society and the media, it can feel like we’re working to reach a destination, which means that you may be under the mistaken impression that until you feel like you’re at this destination, you can’t go for what you want.
There is no destination; you’re a work-in-progress on a journey.
Technically, based on my parents, my family background going back a few generations, my childhood and the experiences I had until I went through some significant personal growth, I’m effed up. By that token, what am I supposed to be doing? Not getting on with my life? Living on the fringes of my own life in unavailable relationships until I’ve worked out all of my issues? Purlease. I’m human. I still have issues!
The difference is that these things don’t dominate my life, drive me, inform my opinion of me and my beliefs, and anything that becomes current for whatever reason gets dealt with.
Due to some ‘conflict’ over our wedding, my age old father issues got taken out of the attic again last year. Why? Because things that I’d previously ‘folded up’ neatly and dealt with became unsettled by some incredibly painful revelations and realisations. My perspective was realigned and certain things that I’d believed since I was a child got scratched off the record. When life began to calm down in September, the feelings (and the silence on both sides) became difficult to ignore, as did the physical symptoms showing in my health and I had to face it all and grieve.
Does me having some pretty big issues to deal with last autumn mean that I should have questioned my worth as a person or the quality of my life or my kids or Em? Was I not supposed to feel this pain because I have a man (he’s just a human being, not my salvation and remedy for every issue), am married with kids, have grown my self-esteem and write here at BR? Er, no. I can be happy, enjoying my life and have problems.
It’s all about how you think about you.
- It’s about perspective and whether you’re inclined to have any or whether it’s greatly imbalanced by stuff like blame, negative beliefs, and assumptions.
- It’s about habits.
- It’s about whether you’re a problem solver and whether you’re willing to make decisions, admit when you’ve erred and are willing to change course.
- It’s about your tolerance for disappointment.
- It’s about the level of bullshit in your life.
- It’s about whether you’re a ‘facer’ or an ‘avoider’ of your feelings and conflict.
- It’s about whether you’re living your life as you or wearing a people pleasing mask.
- It’s about whether you have boundaries and treat you with love, care, trust, and respect.
- It’s about whether you internalise your experiences and make judgments about your worth and see rejection at every corner.
- It’s about where you put your energies – are you trying to forge healthy relationships with people with whom you share genuine core values, love, care trust, respect and the landmarks, or whether you’re attempting to squeeze a relationship out of those that don’t want one?
It’s not about how much problems you’ve had – I know lots of people personally and through BR who’ve had major problems and experienced some pretty horrific stuff, but they’re still standing and have found their way to self-love and loving relationships. I also know of many people who found their way into relationships that they thought would be a fix-all and instead it’s been like stuffing all of your bills under the carpet. They’re married, with kids, and buried under the same problems. I also know of a lot of people who haven’t necessarily experienced major traumas but they for whatever reason, just don’t like themselves and it affects their confidence and their perception of their capabilities so they spend a lot of time in ‘safe’ relationships…like fantasy ones.
We are very hard on ourselves. We judge aspects of our lives and perceive ourselves as ‘handicapped’. We assume that what we’ve experienced is a hindrance or even that we’re ‘marked down’ or even ‘soiled’ as if we can only have a shot at love if we have a clean relationship bill of health or do it with an assclown – on that reasoning, there’s no way in hell I should be married!
We’re so busy thinking that we’re not enough and comparing, that we decide that everybody’s lives are better or that they have it ‘easier’ than us. We assume that single equals desperate and problematic and that if someone has a ring on their finger or has kids, or someone to call their own, that their problems are solved. You only have to read about mental health, cheating and divorce to realise, that shit doesn’t make sense!
Stop judging you as unworkable. Stop thinking that you’ve got to be perfect. Get on with living your life well in line with your own values, instead of trying to cultivate a you that will be perfect enough to be given an exit out of your own life into coupledom with someone else.
Perspective has a lot to do with your self-esteem. If you don’t like the view and you don’t like how you feel about you, it’s time to change yours.
Your thoughts?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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” Part of learning to have self-esteem is to be aware of the minutest parts of you that say “Danger! Boundaries breached!”
Excellent point Revs! This has been an area that I have finally started to address and work on.
Courtney,
Very true. Once your perspective shifts, life really does get better. Be the victor, not the victim.
“…I find it hard not to play the comparison game sometimes. Right now I am living a happier, healthier life being single and working on myself, but my mind always wanders to the happy, healthy “coupled” people too, who I know for a fact have other issues, but whom I still kind of envy a bit because they have that source of support from their partner.”
I can totally relate to what you are saying here and have often felt the same way.
Dancing queen
Yep, whenever someone here brags about being “from” here, unless they’re full blood Ute indian, they’re automatically on the “do not date” list. I think having a real home and community is important, but one also has to see how the rest of the world works. Being constantly displaced as I have, since I bailed out of the family at 17, can deter growth because constantly setting up a new home base is exhausting, especially when it means improving the dwelling, cleaning up trash, making gardens, then having to do the whole thing over again when the place is sold out from under you. No more renting for Miskwa. Have lost touch with many batches of friends with each move, which sometimes is good, sometimes bad. On the other hand, living as a member of community hopefully makes one obligated to care about others and keep your nose clean as crapping in your own nest has consequences. Tis funny, AC has been here nearly 20 years, a toxic friend I had to offload brags about being here for 45, yet few folks in town have a clue who they are whereas most at least recognize me. On the rez, ignoring the needs of others, selfishness, is nearly akin to murder. Actually, in extreme circumstances, murder may be justified but there is no human reason for selfishness, greed, or jealousy. It often seems as though damaging, AC type behaviors have become widely accepted and I think a lot of this has to do with a lack of true community, no one talks to one another and no one is accountable. I think nuclear families are also truncated, dysfunctional systems. When a kid is abused, neglected, that kid has nowhere to go, no one to talk to. Been there and it sucks.
Magnolia,
“But this time I was like, wait a minute, eff that effing bullshit! I felt fine before his “pep talk” and even defended myself pretty well, constantly asserting that I do have a good shot in the face of his “concerned, worried” expression. Just because I’m vulnerable because I’m putting myself out there does not mean I need to think less of myself, or be angry at myself or belittle myself for reaching beyond my station and exposing myself to potential rejection.”
Good for you!! Do not trust your co-worker and do not seek out his opinion or advice anymore. There are people who “appear” to have our best interests at heart, but they will covertly and not so covertly try and manipulate you in a manner that will cause you to doubt and second guess yourself. Trust yourself enough to know that YOU are making the right choices for YOU at that particular time. If you make a mistake, so what??It’s not like the world will stop spinning! There will be other opportunities
“Stop thinking that you’ve got to be perfect. Get on with living your life well in line with your own values, instead of trying to cultivate a you that will be perfect enough to be given an exit out of your own life”
This is my biggest issue! I am working on overcoming this on a daily basis. Some days I am more successful than others.
wow this is so true, i was quiet happy liked my weight then joined this gym which promotes perfection, its all involved not like a normal gym as if me losing the half a stone is going to magically make me shaaaamazing, have high self esteem get an amazing guy, have no problems then i can get on aboat with the perfect people and wave to the fatter me who put on weight over chritmas. ur share makes me realise im making it tooooo hard for myself, ive stopped personalizing everything mostly but it sneaks back in on some days and thats when im kind to myself and say ok lets look at what really going on here, how much progress have i made, ive stopped feeling rejected all the time because im starting to not reject myself and standing up for myself is getting easier, thanks for ur share its just made me see i was on another perfect quest!
i want to lose sum weight but i dont have to kill myself or feel less about myself in the mean time:)
To paraphrase comedian Kat Williams:
Women need to stop blaming all your problems on men. Stop telling men that “You f’ed up my self-esteem.” It’s called SELF ESTEEM. It’s esteem of your mother f’en self. How can you let someone else f’ up how you feel about you?
Sophia and fifi
Thanks for your comments . Its as they say a work in progress , im now 5 wks nc and i am very proud of myself when i get to ten im treating myself . I know its my self esteem and nothing to do with how anyone has treated me .its that old Adage if i done this etc . I been facing up to a lot of facts today , he was binning me off i just couldnt see. It . Even when he blew hot i was sad as i knew she was in background and i didnt trust him . Little things pop up the half truths that made sense . It took the shine off the fact that i bailed on him bf he pushed or the crumbs turned to once a month . I feel so utterly stupid . I think i saw him today , he was in his van and he let me pass in front of him , somthing said to me smile as i was laughing with my son in car and with put thinking i waved a thankyou . It was only as i drove down rd i thought oh was that him in van it never crossed my mind . It feels like i never knew him , then i remembered the shitty thing he did . Just one of those days i got to ride out . Is it wrong to want karma hom sat there in her new upmarket house , livibg the life he wants . Or is it better to wish hom well ? And let it go ? X
Tired,
It’s best to let it go all together. Try not to put so much energy into this guy, work towards indifference!
Not only was OW#2 in the background, but also his wife. There was never any chance with this guy, as he was always with someone else.
I had some similar thoughts, Natalie (http://www.virtuallylove.com/2011/03/30/you-must-love-and-fix-yourself-before-being-in-a-relationship).
Your “work in progress” idea opposes the conventional notion that you can only be with someone or be happy if you’ve solved all your problems. The trouble with this popular maxim is that none of us ever will achieve perfection (or even near-perfection in most cases), and therefore we must resign ourselves to a solitary and likely miserable life until that magic day when we achieve this god-like state.
This isn’t to say that we shouldn’t work on our issues, or that some issues really will prevent you from being happy or in a good relationship, but surely some realism is called for: regardless of how hard you work on yourself, it’s probable that new challenges will occur in a new relationship that you can learn and grow from, and that it will never be the case,in this life at least, that you will achieve anything akin to karmic bliss.
Lawrence
True that. I,m glad that I overcame my major issues before I met my boyfriend but I don,t think it was necessary to take a six year break between relationships. I,ve learned a huge amount from being with him, about love, vulnerability, interdependence, so much so that if our relationship ended tomorrow i would still consider it time well spent. I have learned things from being with him that I couldn’t have learned from being single, no matter how much I read. It,s different in practice.
I will never advocate just leaping from one relationship to another but I do caution against indefinitely working towards perfection. We don,t have to be perfect to have a good relationship.
And I think there can be a point where we become too independent, too self sufficient, too comfortable that starting a relationship becomes really incredibly daunting. So much so that we just won,t do it, thanks.
Whether we have had a bad childhood or every relationship has failed miserably, I think it’s important to remember that we can’t let a temporary circumstance make a permament effect in our lives.
I definitely had a fatalistic outlook on life for some years, whereas I felt because my parents were a certain way, I was raised a certain way, didn’t have a certain upbrining that I would not get anything better – I was inherently damaged. Rather, I didn’t have the right to expect better given my past. Who was I to want to better? Now it’s, who am I not to want better? Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
While I think it’s true that there are enough ACs, bad friends, shady coworkers and overall nasty people in the world that we are all bound to run up against them from time to time (even moreso if you live in the NYC area), but how we view ourselves while they are there and after they leave is important to note. Self-love really is the greatest love of all (long live Whitney Houston)! If we were able to channel the amount of time we spend hoping, wishing and praying that OTHER people in our lives would change and treat us better and started treating and loving ourselves the way we want others to, we wouldn’t have as many issues in the first place. Changing our view about ourselves is MUCH easier than trying to change anyone else’s view – and it’s still work! No dollar amount, or person, or job or status is the end all be all of anything and it’s dangerous emotionally to hang all of our hopes on any of that thinking it will fix everything. Some people who we imagine should be the happiest and most confident are the most miserable and insecure.
I can’t change who my parents were or how men that have been in my life have treated me, but I do want my power back. I know that not everyone is religious, but when I think of how perfect and wonderful I believe my child is just for being, I know that’s how God feels about me as his child. I just am! It’s okay to just be!
I’m still coming back from my own emotional relapse due to my last failed relationship? and questioning how horrible I am or if my horribleness caused someone else to act in a downright sh*tty manner. Reality is, even if I were perfect, he still would have done what he did. If he were with Beyonce, Megan Fox, Michelle Obama, Angelina Jolie, Natalie Lue, he still would have done what he did. Even if I had been the perfect child, my parents would not have been the perfect parents, they would have just been. Everything I say you here and my virtual family, I’m saying to myself in the hopes that I remember it and get it.
Sleeping Beauty,
Thank you for your hopeful, honest, and lovely comment. It brought tears to my eyes–especially what you said about loving your child for just “being.” I’m one of the hotheads here on BR
but you just tamed me like a little kitten. 
(Don’t let it get around how soft I am, though.)
I really like the ‘work in progress’ because life is really about the journey not so much about the destination.
I read the article that you posted lawrence and I think sometimes people can help each other to become better people but that assumes that there is respect in the relationship. And I think that is something that I have realized in this site. I have thought through some of the things that that article raises, being cooperative and loving. But in the face of disrespect doing that means that you have also accepted disrespect etc and are in some ways opening the door to that by engaging with that. That was my biggest lesson. I stayed because I wanted my ex to change and be respectful etc and he said he had changed. But change (personal change especially) takes a very long time, a lot of reflection and practicing healthy habits. Sometimes you cannot practice healthy habits in unhealthy toxic relationships. I guess you have to look at what is unhealthy about the interaction and why.
From my own experience in dealing with this (the lack of self-love that my ex had for himself and the lack of self-love I had for myself in allowing him to constantly breach boundaries) is that what was missing in that equation was just that RESPECT. And without that it becomes one big unhealthy toxic relationship and unless both individuals address those issues (on their own bc clearly they couldnt do it together) they will not move forward.
WOW! I read earlier about attachment disorders! Thanks to a guy called “Billy” who blogged on another page…I have been feeling like S**t for 2 years now in my relationship..No self esteem…thinking its me..i’m doing something wrong…the man I love and have been with for 3 and a half years seems to be oblivious to my frustrations of wanting to live together and build a life together!! has knocked me and said i’m not consistant enough..blamed my moods when i’m pre menstral…I have had all the excuses under the sun!! we both have children who worship each other..he stays at my house when he does not have his children(practically live together) but he goes strange when he has his children he does not want me to stay at his, as its his PRECIOUS time?? very osessive over his children and reins superiority over me and my children?? and we can only get the childen together when he say’s….
So its freaking weird! then i stumble upon this web page explaining about attachment disorders…..ambivalent and avoidant attachment disorder and he floats between the two!! so all this time my self esteem has been rocked by someone that has deep isues!! WOW….time to move on!
So for all those women in non committed relationships thinking their doing something wrong …think again as alot of men’s issues stem from childhood and how their parents raised them…always watch the quiet ones I say..
Mine realized after almost 5 years that he will always be a ”loner” (was married with 3 kids) and that he’s incapable to be 100% in a relationship – conclusion : ”You deserve better”
Of course I do !!!
An amazing, amazing book that I just read and I highly recommend to all of you : The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz – he also talks about childhood – an eye opening book.
“In the track of fear we have so many conditions, expectations, and obligations that we create a lot of rules just to protect ourselves against emotional pain, when the truth is that there shouldn’t be any rules. These rules affect the quality of the channels of communication between us, because when we are afraid, we lie. If you have the expectation that I have to be a certain way, then I feel the obligation to be that way.The truth is I am bot what you want me to be. When I am honest and I am what I am, you are already hurt, you are mad. Then I lie to you, because I’m afraid of your judgment. I am afraid you are going to blame me, find me guilty, and punish me.”
? Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship –Toltec Wisdom Book
Hi Natalie,
I just want to thank you for starting BR and sharing your thoughts and experiences. Each time I read your posts, I’m inspired to reflect on repressed emotions (anger, sadness, despair that things will get better) and the harmful, abusive people in my life and work at them one day at a time.
Hearing from someone who has also battled childhood trauma that everyone deserves happiness gives me hope.
BR is a really great resource, keep up the great work! A million thanks and God bless
Thanks Espoir, will definitely have a read, sounds very raw and truthful and probably where we all go wrong in life, trying to hide our inner voices rather than expressing ourselves truthfully. I’m sure it will be a very educational read:)