The ‘Ting’ & Friends Who F*ck/Fumble
December 23, 2005 by NML
This scenario unravelled recently: Two people have been sleeping together for eight years. Yes you did read that right, eight years! It comes to light that he has been seeing someone else and they are going to have their first child. She is ‘heartbroken’ and everyone is outraged on her behalf when she tells her ‘version’ of events, but looking beyond the surface of things, does she have a reason to feel ‘heartbroken’?
Sleeping with someone, even loving someone, doesn’t give ‘ownership’ or ‘rights’. On a subconscious level and some on a far more conscious one, we assume that it does, but it doesn’t. If you’ve been having a casual sexual relationship with someone and had it stretch out for eight years, more fool you for never asking the right questions and putting aside a roll in the sack for even one evening to discuss the ‘state of play’.
If you never refer to someone as your boyfriend/girlfriend, ‘other half,’ or ‘significant other’, it’s undoubtedly because they aren’t. We’re not kids anymore where we have to say, “Will you be my boyfriend?” but there is a time when something shifts and you head in that direction. Call me sceptical, but it doesn’t take eight years to get there, in fact, it often doesn’t even take eight months. If you’re having sex with someone over an extended period but you aren’t in a relationship per se, it’s just a ‘shag’ or as some of my Jamaican friends refer to it, a ‘ting’ (thing minus the ‘h’).
Failing to even acknowledge to friends that you are anything other than a ting, not telling anyone that the person even exists, telling your family you’re single, are all signs that that he’s a ting’, you’re a ‘ting’ and in actual fact, you don’t have any’ting’ other than good sexual chemistry. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. I.e. you can bonk his brains out and be the best shag he’s ever had but if he doesn’t make you his girlfriend (and that’s what you want), you’re wasting your time.
What’s the difference between being a ‘ting’ or Friends Who F*ck? FWF is a casual sex arrangement with a trusted friend. It should only be embarked upon where a few ground rules have been established and it should be on an ad hoc basis and not fall into a routine, as routine has an ‘r’ in it like ‘relationship’. It shouldn’t be an ongoing arrangement over a long period of time and there shouldn’t be any thinking that you’re the others significant other; you’re their significant shag partner.
A ‘ting’ on the other hand isn’t something that necessarily starts with a friend. One party may have entered into the sexual relationship under the impression that it was something that was leading towards something more solid, yet lo and behold, it’s just sex. It feels like you’re in the routine of a relationship as it’s frequent enough, yet there is no relationship bar a sexual one. These can stretch out for quite long periods of time and whilst on the surface it appears that both parties are getting exactly what they want, one party, often the woman, does invest emotionally and mistakes a roll in the sheets over an extended period for a relationship. A ‘ting’ is an inanimate object, defying a vocal description because the ‘object’ hasn’t taken up residence in the emotions and barely requires a name.
If you’re a ‘ting’, there is no point getting all pissy because he’s taken up with someone else, even though it would have served him well to, oh I don’t know, grow some balls and call off the shag/ting first. However, it’s very possible that because he thinks it’s a ‘ting’ that he doesn’t feel that it requires calling off! You may well be upset by the demise of this arrangement, but the energy is wasted. The beauty of being FWF’s is that you both get to have fun and have some of the best elements of a relationship (the sex), without actually being in a relationship. The beauty of being a ‘ting’ (and there really isn’t any beauty to it), is that for the party that benefits from it most, they get all the trimmings, without the cake, and often don’t really invest anything emotionally.
My suggestion is that we don’t engage in being ting’s. You can be FWF’s (Friends Who F*ck/Fumble) but it should be to water the grass when you’re going through a dry spell, not a continuous arrangement for years at a time. Being a ‘ting’ no matter what way you look at it, will wear down on you emotionally over time and is likely to negatively impact on your attitude towards men and relationships much further down the line. I don’t think that there is a happy ending to being a ‘ting’ because you’ll probably feel insecure within the relationship even if he does make the relationship ‘official’. What are we supposed to think of ourselves when someone is willing to sleep with you for a long period of time but not acknowledge your existence? You are short changing yourself by engaging in being a ting and there is no benefit other than getting laid. Have you been out there lately? There is no shortage of guys willing to offer their sexual services. Take it, then leave it, but just don’t extend it!
NML is the editor of Bagage Reclaim
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[...] Basically, wanting people for nothing more than sex, survives to a large extent on miscommunication, i.e. keeping stump. Some people expand the sex into Friends Who F*ck and Booty Call arrangements, but ultimately one person tends to want more, if not from the outset, certainly at some point. If you want them just for sex and they want you just for sex, happy days, shag away. If they want you just for sex and you want more, WALK AWAY. It’s that simple unless you bowlegged from shagging too much… [...]