The trouble with lying and deceiving is that aside from putting forward a deliberately false statement and seeking to gain an advantage or to avoid something undesirable, is that the people who habitually lie and cheat are often supported by people who have faith in them and may even fight their corner.
When lying and cheating is uncovered, it’s devastating to the trusting believers because they’ve based their own version of reality on the lies and deception. They’ve interacted with these people and said, been and done certain things that by supporting these people, has actually helped them to gain further advantage.
Lies and deception give power while aggressively and passive aggressively robbing power from others. It’s like holding all or a lot of the cards and being privy to knowledge that the other parties aren’t. Like when you’re involved with someone who knows that they don’t want a relationship and that they don’t see you ‘like that’ but they say and do other things in order to keep you in their back pocket for rainy day entertainment and to pass time with. They’re not honest and upfront because they know that if they were, you would (hopefully – you’d be surprised how many take this as challenge) tell them to take a run and jump.
When people lie and cheat, they remove your right of reply to the truth as it stands.
As I said to the Mr Unavailable who gave me my epiphany, “You had no right to decide that this was a scenario that I would be OK with.” We have a right to input. He could have told me the truth and I could in turn have chosen to proceed or back away but at least the choice would have been mine. Instead he veered between Future Faking or disappearing from time to time to take the heat off.
This doesn’t remove my own responsibility to assess the situation (it turns out it didn’t need a rocket scientist to work out what was going on) but there is a major issue around ‘obtaining goods by deception’ – when a person is running rings around you by blowing hot and cold, contradicting their actions and words, chasing you down when you call a spade a spade, and making out like you have them pegged wrong when you don’t, you start to get confused about what’s ‘up’ and ‘down’.
Uncovering lies and deception is like having to manage your own mind f*ckery. You end up ‘playing back the tapes’ and going over every word. It might feel like your eyes, ears and mind were deceiving you. You might have defended them. You might have listened to them vehemently deny what was actually true. You might have been called a “psychotic bitch” (yep that happened to me) and you might never have suspected them of what they’ve been saying and doing. When you play things back, certain things start to make sense, you recognise the signs of the deception, and various conversations get dismantled. What was real? What was fake?
There are those of us who get blindsided, and there are those of us who get wounded while effectively participating in the deception. I’ve talked about this before in my post about how affairs are like being double-crossed on a heist. When it turns out that the deal is not the deal (our cut is not what we thought it was) or that they pretended that the deal was on and are claiming it’s off or delayed, but not because they’re liars and cheaters, but because, get this, we did something to put them off coming through. Yeah. Smooth.
This is when we discover that the same person who would cheat to be with us or to screw someone else over, will also cheat to keep us exactly where they want us.
Over the years of writing Baggage Reclaim, I’ve come across an astounding number of people who have known that they’re involved/dealing with someone who has a casual relationship with honesty – they don’t want to get all serious and be honest all of the time….
Why were / are they involved? Because they all believed that their love and faith in them will cause this person to make them the exception. In some ways you can kinda see the logic.
Look, I know that you’re not telling the truth to this person and that person or in certain situations but because I’m with you anyway and I’m choosing to see the best in you because I love you and am extending my care, trust, and respect to you, I expect that you won’t need to lie to me.
We also have a habit of believing that it’s the situation that makes the person lie and deceive – they’re made dishonest by circumstance. And right there you tap into a hidden belief that it’s OK to lie and deceive in certain circumstances, especially if love is involved. We start to make exceptions to our own morals.
Strangely enough, in spite of knowing that we’re with someone who lies and deceives, we’re often surprised when we discover that, yep, they’ve been lying to and deceiving us.
There’s no such thing as a honest cheat. That’s an oxymoron like ‘casual relationship’.
When people lie and deceive they share information on a need-to-know basis. They might dripfeed the truth (which is confusing because you think that the ‘drip’ is all of the truth and then further down the line you realise it’s drip, drip, drip), or they aggressively deny and clobber anyone or anything that pierces the carefully constructed illusions around their convoluted framework of truth and then they might ‘confess’ when their back’s against the wall (often when the pool of faith is drying up) although the confession in itself might be a ‘drip’.
That’s the problem with lying and deceiving – once it’s been allowed to continue or the person has gotten away with it for a very long time, it’s incredibly difficult to know if after their admission, whether you’re standing in reality with them or are standing on the ‘portion’ of reality that they’ve allowed you to. That’s why the last thing you should do when you sense or know that you’ve been lied to or deceived, is to continue and whitewash it with denying, rationalising and minimising. Sure, how does someone who has told a whole load of lies and deceived even know that they’re telling themselves the truth? You believed them when they were lying; now you’re supposed to believe them when they say it’s the truth. Those who lie and deceive can end up lonely with only their illusions to keep them warm at night, especially when the faithful harem of supporters dry up.
When someone habitually lies and cheats, they’ve all got ‘logical’ reasoning just like we might try to come up with reasons and excuses for why they’ve lied and deceived, often blaming ourselves in the process. Some of them don’t even see it as lies. They’re ‘protecting you for your own good’ or ‘not wanting to hurt you’ with the truth. Actually, lying and deceiving is a form of control and abusive behaviour.
We can spend a lot of time wondering or asking why, especially if we feel like we’ve given them everything so that they wouldn’t ‘need’ to lie or plenty of opportunities to tell the truth, but unless you think and act like they do, their behaviour isn’t going to make sense to you. They had a motivation. It’s like trying to think like a sociopath or narcissist and wondering why they do what they do. Unless you’re inclined in that direction, you’re not going to be able to wrap your head around what they’re doing.
That’s why our relationships need to be mutually fulfilling with us standing with our partners in reality. We need to be sure we’re honest with ourselves so that we’re not tempted to deceive ourselves about others and we can trust our own judgment.
Lies and deception hurt. They hurt those around them who get duped and run over in the process and they hurt you if you participate in the bullshit. Don’t fool yourself – that’s a deception in itself. If you want to live your life authentically, be careful of feeding other people’s BS with your own BS and stick to your own values. It can be hard to face the fact that someone isn’t being truthful with you but continuing to have faith in them doesn’t help you or them.
Our lives are our own statement written over time. When we live a lie, we’re putting out falsehoods and in time we’ll look back and have little substance to hold onto and plenty of regret. It’s better for us to state and live our truth than to spend our time deceiving the hell out of ourselves in order to hold onto people who are deceiving the hell out of us. Stick to a low BS diet. If you live your own truth it’s difficult to live someone else’s incompatible lie.
Your thoughts?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Hi Fran. I’m with you on this. Very grateful I saw the mask slip so quickly so I could FLUSH quickly! I also agree predators go after their prey when they are vulnerable, so believe me, my guard is up! What amazes me though is that can be so many whackjobs on this earth. Do they come off a factory production line???
teachable, it does seem that the world is full of whackjobs doesn’t it? My counselor gave me a book that dicussed the energy we put out and how it attracts certain types of people. I’ve stayed single for over three years so that I could work on my self esteem issues. the last joker I was with came up to me on christmas eve, he had been drinking and I was working that night. the red flags were there but i ignored them because i was feeling lonely and vulnerable. thankfully it didn’t take long for me to realize exactly what an asshat ( i love that word!) he truly was and i have been nc with him now for almost a week. in retrospect it amazes me how he was able to hone in on me that night but it made me aware of the energy i was sending out. there are good guys out there, i truly believe i’m just not ready for a relationship yet and thats ok. every day gets better and it will for you too.
Ella Rae, Hope & Silverbee:
Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. I will continue to press forward and leave this man in my past. I do agree, perhaps he does have an undiagnosed personality disorder. A psychopath indeed.
I don’t agree we are so powerful as to ‘attract’ whackjobs Fran or that meeting them has anything to with us at all. I rather think this a load of mumbo jumbo pop psychology that sells books but is in fact quite dangerous, as it implies that someone who harmed by one of these dickfaces, is somehow partly to blame, for having attracted them’ in the first place. This is a load of BS. Rather, creepy untoward ppl simply exist & we stumble across them at random. The only thing we have any power or control over, is firstly, recognising them & secondly, the choice & action of getting rid of them. I appreciate your empathy however.
the book was an interesting read. I can see where you’re coming from regarding the psycho babble..as someone who has read way too many self help books I know there is a lot of that out there. i do believe however that if we put out negative energies, it will come back to us in some way shape or form. it seemed like for years when i was suffering with depression and low self worth, i would have nothing but whackjobs approach me. but that could also have a lot to do with not recognizing the red flags and moving forward with these clowns as opposed to walking away from them. i truly appreciate your perspective…
PS As an example, this guy was totally sober, as was I, when I met him walking down the street, of a beachside suburb, on a hot evening. Lots of people were out walking that evening (it was early, only 9pm when we met) out taking advantage of the sea breeze & cafes to chill out. I was nicely dressed, nothing provocative about me, & he too, was appropriately dressed for the occassion. We shared an innocent coke, at a cafe & got to talking. Nothing too heavy. Just introductory as appropriate. I was feeling a weight off my shoulders that night & a more approachable, than I’ve been for a while, for this reason (i.e I was feeling happy & therefore smiling & approachable). Nothing about him seemed unusual & certainly was.not flashing any ‘whackjob please approach me’ invisible lights! lol I only met him twice more & on the third meeting I realised his charactar was a bit off & that he was therefore someone I no longer wish to associate with. You see, the trick is, I had my EYES & EARS open for those three times I met him. His poor character didn’t show until meeting number 3. My response? IMMEDIATE FLUSH. This is how things OUGHT to be. Pop psychology books that tell ppl they are so powerful as to attract this or that are misguided. Unless a person is foolishly placing themselves in harms way, they do no such thing. Life is random. How we respond to it, our behaviour & choices is not.
Thankx Teach
My lifestyle is who I am. If stuck in a city, in an apartment, no critters, no garden, no woods, I would kill myself within a week. Lived in a ghetto for a while as a kid, can’t go there again. You’d only meet folk that want a city life. The issue is that I am financially trapped; home values are way down, no high end rental market, most of my retirement was collateral for the mortgage. I am also helping out my chronically ill dad. I would loose half my salary, Retire in poverty, and not be able to afford to help out my dad nor buy another farm or even a house so I can live my authentic life. The sabbatical is a one semester escape from the AC, from the loneliness (hopefully). Hopefully there are intelligent, healthy men where I want to go (probably Vermont) and some sense of community. At this point, I don’t know what my other options are. I hate the idea of sitting on a shelf for 7 more years along with having to deal with AC for that long. Hopefully my sustainability center will be up and running after the sabbatical and I would be rarely on campus. Folks tell us to be optimistic and bloom where we are planted but perhaps a whole lotta pessimism would’ve been better. Ironically, had the deal for this house not gone thru, I was gonna quit the job rather than continue with a horrid rental situation.
I can relate Miskwa. It’s frustrating when external circumstances we have little control over are limiting our options ie property market. You sound like you have a plan though & there are extenuating circumstances with yr Father being ill. Hopefully eventually those sorts of things will resolve. What pisses me off, is that if we were men, it’s likely we’d have been in more highly paid professions, allowing us greater choices. By the time many of us realise this though, it’s often too late to start over with any realistic hope of reaching the upper salary range, in a new career, as by then, after possibly several years out to retrain, we’re near to or in our 50′s & all the best opportunities, are given to the 20 somethings, deemed to be more malleable & more full of energy. I’m stuck also by a property slump, with illness wiping my career totally out from under me, just as I was about to enter my peak earning capacity. It’s done me in so badly, I’m not sure I’ll work again for anyone, at this stage. I just can’t take anymore of the impact the BS of work politics has had on my health. I’m stuck in an outer suburban area I loathe of a big city I grew up in & would desperately like to leave but this best I could afford at the time I purchased my place. I also live in a country with rediculously high property prices, far more so than say, the US. Even so, now due to being unable to work due to illness, it’s touch n go, as to whether or not I will manage to hold on to home. I have an overwhelming desire to sell everything (aside from my music gear) & to relocate o.seas (with said music equipt in tow), where upon arriving I would pick up 2 things. A great motorbike & a 1950′s classic car (my weakness) & then get started on recording an album. Trouble is even doing THAT would only cost me MORE $, so right now, I’m stuck just trying to shore up my resources, here at home. Annoying & incredibly frustrating!
Teach
I really feel for you. You are right, if we were male, our circumstances would be very different. My last job in Montana, I lived in a two room cabin without plumbing or water and was barely getting by. My male colleagues did just fine. We’d also not have to be alone because we’d have healthy choices for a mate and many of them. Wish you could relocate to this country, but avoid this community and perhaps this state.
I’m hearing you Miskwa. On the topic though, I’d STILL choose to be SINGLE & push on through these sorts of struggles, than settle for some lying, cheating asshat. Before my health struggles, I was READY for a r.ship but have taken myself out of the dating mix until after I’ve got these issues sorted.
Fran if what yr reading resonates that’s great. Just be open.minded that your perspective might change down the track. I used to think as you do, many years ago. Then I did the work to become a healthy person & saw things quite differently after being a healthy person & living an authentic life for over two decades. I now realise I’m just NOT that powerful.
Emerldeyez
sounds good. I know I am going to sound like NML, but her advice really worked. Its knowing yourself (and loving you first), looking for core values – thats what counts, being aware of red flags etc. Sticking to observing actions not words…and theres no rush, (no fire) as people will evolve over time, at least their true selves will. Ive been dating Mr Nice Guy for 3 months now and I still have my wobbly self doubt moments, but there is nothing without risk.However I remind myself of what would be red flags for me and not let myself get carried away with future-faking fantasies (in my head), but really just take each date for what it is and enjoy. I have also made sure I keep time for me and my own interests (he does for himself as well)so I dont end up with a 24/7 investment. There are a lot a dating-advice posts on here that have helped me take my baby steps of trust.
Watch his action-based responses not his word-based responses. Watch him with others.
Its helped me to remind myself when I have met someone(anyone, not espcially a date) perhaps a work colleague, fellow gym member, person at bus stop, friend of a friend, – I havent thought even after seeing them several times, “Id like this person as my friend”….so why would I future-think a guy/date? My friends have been people I have met and our friendship has evolved and developed and become whatever it is, on what level it has evolved into.
Long distance sucks. I cant think of anything positive about it.It spells EU for me, and is a red flag for me
As for ‘mutual attraction’, ex-assclown was a dream, and I was attracted to him frm the beginning, to the rotten end and it hurt….
Mr Nice Guy, I wasnt particularly attracted, but he just kept ticking those NML boxes, and as he does I look at him now,watch him – all of him and think, this is someone who makes me feel content and peaceful(today), never fearful, anxious, confused. That makes him attractive.
Suzy, well I just did a flush job on this one guy. He doesn’t know it, but I pulled back in my interest. Found out he is separated. Though we never got that far to even discuss status, he doesn’t wear a ring. But I dont’ go near a guy unless he is divorced for several years. Even then there is no guarantee he’s still not emotionally enmeshed with his ex. I’m pretty proud of myself because I didn’t rationalize it away. I walked away emotionally. He can flirt all he wants he will no longer get any vibe from me. It’s interesting to see how the EUM works. I want more!
What is it about these guys? After a week and a half of NC this guy texts me over and over again.. I finally caved and responded. He kept telling me how he wanted to hear me say ” I love you” to him and blah, blah, blah. I was in a really bad place that day, having just lost my job and not sure if unemployment is coming through. I told him how I felt and he ignored those words..then he starts with the romantic talk..until he drops the bomb and asks me if I can go to a friend and get him some drugs. I tell him no, not going to do that for you. Silence…I feel like an idiot for caving, knowing that his only reason for connecting me was to get his rocks off and find some dope. I figured out how to block him on my cell so that has been in place since yesterday. After three years of being happily single and being able to turn down guys with obvious issues and agendas, what made this guy so different? Why did I cave? Was it the little smatterings of attention I got, the hot and cold treatment leaving me feeling confused and hopeful? I feel ok, lifes full of pitfalls and we pick ourselves up and brush ourselves off again. Just need some help understanding this or should I even try..
I’ve also had the person yell at me in the middle of the street that i was a ‘f-ing liar’ and that he wasnt a liar but only sometimes says things that arent true. At other times he saw himself as a self-styled ‘seeker of truth’ via his spiritual convictions which were mostly mumbo jumbo.
The drip is such a good description – and together with the drip is the sinking feeling of having the ground shift beneath you again and again. Nearly everything he said was a lie – which meant that the picture he presented of himself and which I accepted came apart slowly over time. He lied about small things, big things, he lied about what things meant to him (e.g. saying some past experiences of his were something wonderful when in reality they werent – as he told me later though who can then tell what the truth was). And yes, I think I am to blame for my gullibility – once I thought we both loved each other I was willing to put up with bad behavior. In fact the worse the behavior the more easily I put up with it because since I see myself as reasonable and think that if I behaved so badly and was called on it I would surely change, I accepted the same of him. Its been years since we broke up and I still feel the mind-numbing confusion of the lies, I avoided contact completely and he still would call for no reason – I suspected it was to look good to himself and our mutual friends (on the lines of ‘i’m a great guy to be in touch with my ex, we’re friends so obviously the relationship wasnt so bad’).
The other thing about lying is that it makes you doubt yourself – they will make you feel they lied becuase you are unreasonable. I always find it amusing that they were willing to do things worth lying about in the first place but then they deflect blame onto you. You will doubt your own truth, you will undermine your ability to trust yourself. That is extremely dangerous for the long run.
Moral of the story – people who lie and who dont show common decencies ARE bad news. Youre not being mean or not nice by cutting them off – this applies to friends as much as boyfriends. One or two small chances is pretty much all you should give someone. I say small chances because if a person cannot even come through on the small everyday things with any grace the odds of them being able to manage the big things is quite low.
sapphire22 -
err… what did he do? talk to you, a customer? thats not a lot. Sure hes was flirting, sounds like that was what it wassaid some nice things, made you FEEL WANTED and perhaps you have fast forwarded the rest into LALA land. Hes shouldnt have done what he did, as hes married and a potential cheat and liar…So you can now FLUSH and move on, reckonise your mistakes and meet a nice guy that will take you for a coffee and get to know YOU and you can get to know HIM.
I hope I have understood what you wrote,and not misunderstood, but this sounds like nothing real happened and you need to get your heart out of that supermarket, and just go there for your milk and bread. YOu are worth more than a guy who is just looking for an ego boost as im guessing he did he whatever he did to make you feel that way for his own enjoyment. RUN!
Love and hugs x
I’m sorry you’re so upset, Sapphire. I think these sorts of things happen. Bubbles of attraction to another person will pop up every now and then, even when you’re married or committed to another partner. We’re human beings. It sounds like he was also getting confused by his emotions but ultimately he didn’t allow anything to happen, so I don’t think he did anything too terribly wrong. I think you need to accept the reality – he is with someone else; this isn’t going anywhere. But if your job is keeping you from meeting anyone else, you may want to start considering how you *will* meet other people.
P.S. Don’t read anything into the Twitter post. I suspect that no matter what his stepdaughter had posted abouit him, you would have read it into it somehow as reflecting his feelings for you. I used to do this too so know just how it goes
Sapphire,
I hope you will keep reading BR and order Natalie’s Dreamer book ASAP. You’ve had a few flirty chats with a guy and found out he is married. End of. How can he be your soul mate if you barely know him? Falling for him before you know him is a giant red flag. Give him a chance? He’s married. He doesn’t have a “chance”. I’m speaking from experience. I gave the exMM a “chance”, actually 1,000′s of “chances”. The role of an OW sucks. He looked so sad too and was so excited when I gave him the time of day. By the end of my 2 year self-imposed torture as an OW, I was beside myself with anger. In my mind and based on my experience, unless you want to wind up an OW, don’t give this guy a sideways look, let alone a smile. Get your groceries and go home. Why did he flirt with another woman even though he is married: Because he can? Because he needed an ego stroke? Because it was fun? It really doesn’t matter. What matters is what you do. I apologize if I sound bitter. Get Nat’s Dreamer book.
Hey sapphire,
Okay I see. Well in any case, the fact remains, that he is married. Allow yourself to be angry at him. Don’t romanticize him. He is NOT your soulmate. There is someone excellent and *available* out there for you. Just hang in there. But I would recommend you start making a plan for how you’re going to meet some men. Isolating yourself seems to be creating a situation where you can fall into dreamland over the first guy you meet, because you don’t believe you have other options.
Also, in my first response, I meant to congratulate you for immediately going NC when you found out he was married. That is a very BR-positive attitude!!!
Finally, regarding the tone of the comments, please don’t be too offended. We all get and give that kind of *tough love* on here, and sometimes it pisses me off for a couple hours, and then I come back after I’ve cleared my head and re-read what the commenter wrote, and I see that she is just giving me the kind of much-needed kick-in-the-butt that we’d give our sister or best friend. At the same time, I think we’re also always half talking to ourselves, trying to build up a tough attitude against unavailable men, to keep ourselves tough so we don’t fall back into the patterns that brought us here.
Whatever has happened here, I’ve obviously somehow managed to miss that there was some conflict taking place within the comments, something I do try to keep to an absolute minimum because this isn’t a forum. I think that the difficulty with the written word is that tone and how you read back what’s written to you makes a huge difference. Sapphire, I’m sorry that you’re upset. I think all things combined, it’s understandable why you may have been pursuing virtual (no doubt you need a little attention and affection in your life which is greatly compromised at the moment) and equally it’s understandable why you may find what has been said particularly upsetting. I’ve always encouraged a respectful environment where honesty (this is a BS Diet environment) with care is very much at the heart of the community of people who share, inspire, encourage, and yes, sometimes give it straight no chaser. I do have guidelines in place both about placing comments about your situation and also about responding and if on this occasion, tone has gone over the line, I’m sorry that you’re upset. There are no arguments that take place here because it’s not a forum so it wouldn’t have got to that level. I hope that you come back but if you don’t, I understand that too. Take care.
I have written about my relationshit in some other posts. Basically I fell for someone who did not want a relationship but decided to see if we could make something work. Due to a number of reasons, mostly family issues, his needs coming first, along with distance this was not easy. Last year was especially rocky as I needed to spend long periods in my home country due to family illness. We did spend a few months together but there were stresses and strains that made me realise that it was too much hard work for the crumbs I was getting– I ended it twice but we always got back together as I could not keep away and the usual story – the sex was the best, fuelled by drama and uncertainty. He was the main focus in my life and I continued to have feelings for him even though I knew it was not working. When I came back to my own country I tried to have a break from the drama as I needed to look after an ill family member. We stayed in touch and he wanted to come and see me but I declined as I needed to focus on caring for my sister. We then stayed in contact by phone and online. He was the one who initiated chats and skype and I unwisely responded and started being reeled back back in. Sometimes the skype chats would turn sexual and he wanted to see me on camera – occasionally I did this and he would go crazy just seeing me but I never took my clothes off/exposed myself. He would say that he missed me, why I was not coming back to him, if I was looking for someone else or still at him. I tried to protect myself saying that if I came back then he would get unhappy, that I would try to please him and would become unhappy and then leave life before. I said I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with me and he became annoyed and said he would find someone else. I kept quiet and was confused as to why he missed me, wanted me back etc when he did not want a relationship. Over the next 2 weeks we chatted occasionally as friends but I wanted to see him again when I flew back to Asia to start a new job. When I was booking the tickets he then told me he was seeing someone else and did not want to see me anymore. I was very upset and he insisted that he “did not mean to go out and leave me on a leash”. When I pulled him up on how he was talking to me he sounded panicked and said that this would remain between us, when I implied he had been cheating he denied this and said that the new person had just happened – I knew that she had been around for a few weeks. In reality we were not in a real relationship as such but then he was contacting me almost every day, saying he missed me etc and wanted intimate conversation. I am having real problems moving on as I am now in a neighbouring country and spend most of my time alone – I have met a number of nice people but it takes time to get a social life going. I know I should be NC but have sms’ed him, emailed him and have rung him twice. Today I had a severe lapse and called him – he was angry and does not want me to call again. He stopped talking and I was left rambling into silence. He said that I had walked out on him a “number of times” but this was because how he was acting. He then asked if it was all his fault and all I could say was how cruel he was and how hurt I still am (5 weeks on). When I said that he was probably shacked up with the new person he was angry with me and said he would no longer tell me anything about his life. I realised he did not care what me and what I thought, and after long periods of silence where he would not talk I just wished him well with his life etc and said goodbye. He just said thank you and I then had to ask him to say goodbye as well..he just said bye and I hung up. He then managed to delete his contact from my gmail (like he did before but I put him back in). Over the past few weeks my appetite has diminished and i am losing weight. I really am worried that I am grieving/obsessing so much for someone who only gave me crumbs – I admit that I was addicted to having him around. I was also friends with him before we became lovers and this was another strong connection. I just can’t stop obsessing and distressing over the fact that he is with someone else and that he walked away from me. I am also fixated on the idea that he cheated on me when he was being intimate with another person. I suppose I also have a number of personal issues I need to work through in order to heal. I really want to stop this obsession as he wants nothing to do with me and I have to let go and move on. I was doing so well and today I regressed so much. I am sad I will never see him again but then I spend ages plotting vengeance because I want him to feel pain like I have. I feel deceived but then I have also deceived myself as well for quite a while. I am at the stage where I need professional help to overcome this and move forward.
Meerkat, I feel for you. When my EUM AC MM relationshit broke, I did in my way too. I all but stopped eating, I was curled up in bed miserable only going out to go to work (and only part time at the time), I lost about 15lbs and this was over a month. I FELT LIKE HELL. And the only thing I could do was feel it, let it work it’s course through my system. I kept reading BR, I read books, stayed away from negative influences, talked to a good friend who’d been through the same thing (didn’t know it until I finally told her what I was going through). All you can do is go THROUGH it, it will hurt like hell, but if you avoid it you will prolong it. And once I got to the point of dragging my sorry arse out of bed again, I got a therapist.
You would think after a year of following the sound advice of Natalie, I would know better! After having my own experiences of assclownery & pooping where I eat, I would know better. But no, I was selfish & in heat. what a fool! I slept with a married coworker. Afterwards, I felt such regret. of course not during, even though that ring kept blinding me! Oh what a fool! What freaks me out is that on my day off, after telling him not to call me, that I would be working on my own projects & “hey it was a mistake, I cannot get involved with a coworker & a married coworker, save your marriage..” I tell him, “I will never tell anyone.” What does he do? He starts calling me. Wants to talk to me. Wants to come visit me. He actually made it quite easy to end this. He wouldnt leave me alone. He actually showed up with a bag of candy & condoms! I tell him, let’s go for a walk. He wants to remain friends. I was sending mixed signals. When he comes back to my place, he tries to give me a hug. “No, you have to go”, I tell him, “I have work to do & you cant understand that. I cannot bullshit and bullshit with a married man.” He actually had the nerve to pout, and ask me what he should do with the condoms. Then he tried some manipulation mindtrickery, followed by another request for a hug, and I again, tell him, sternly, “no, you are married. It was a mistake, let’s just forget about it. Don’t call me.” He left the condoms but took the candy. Thanks, buddy. Sadly, while I am ashamed of what I did, I am also relieved to know I stopped it from going further,from doing it again,I mean I actually entertained the idea!!! what is wrong with me?! get out my face. Oh, Id like to blame it on the booze but what a copout. What was I doing hanging out alone with a married man who already hinted at his feelings for me? Am I that insecure, that low in self esteem? Is my life that empty? It’s not! Is it? Am I bored? Am I afraid to get involved with someone again? Someone who is single, and available, that is.
I don’t want to date right now. I just want to focus on myself. I have to get a new job. I need a new job anyways, the pay here is awful. But was this terrible self destructive mistake a subconscious cry? and for what? I’m fine! Im fine! except for the fact that now I have to forgive myself. Oh his poor wife, to be with such a douche. All his negative talk of her, I was siding with her the whole time. Well, not really, or I wouldve at least had the sense of sisterhood to tell his drunk arse to go home. Why dont you both go see a marriage counselor?, I asked him. He told me he loves her, he wants to work it out. But he wants his cake too. His words!! Cant blame him, I was giving him a taste, right? Ha! what is that about?! Then he says they both discussed how unhappy they are. Ok, just leave married man. You are repulsing me..
I think about it, about the night we slept together, and I just want scrub my body clean, ugh, what did I do?! At least I wont have to see him for a week. But what do I do, in the meantime, while I start looking for a new job?!! Oh man, if this gets out…I feel like such a creep. And he’s a creep, doesnt even leave me candy! He actually, put the damn bag of candy in his murse!! really?!!
thank you for the soundboard, Im disappointed in myself, but its a lesson learned. Hopefully, he will just slink away, and respect my wishes. I told him not to piss me off and stay away. Let him think Im the one who is nuts. He is like a man possessed. The funny thing is, who I was 1/2 year ago would be flattered by this attention. Now I just feel like I have a whole of reevaluating, but I know that attention like that from a man, married or not, like a horny little schoolboy about to see me undress, is really not attractive. He wanted to use me, all the while telling me he cares about me and he doesnt want to lose my friendship. But friends dont try to eff you, right? I do know that I love myself more today, than the person I was a week ago who slept with that fool.
I broke up with my boyfriend of5 months about 2 weeks ago, he was an alcoholic. It took sometime to connect the dots to figure it out, but i did. I strive on being health conscoious, so there was no way that i was going to be suck into this. I also found myself adapting some of his eating and drining habits, which started on show on by face and body; definite no-no for me. I had never had the experience of being around anyone that was an alcoholic, so i didn’t know. Weekend days were filled with all day hangovers, with weekend nights were filled with excessive drinking, there was no time for anything else, he was not interested in doing anything else if he consume excessive liquor.
During the sobering hours, we culivated a very close relationship, and I miss those times, and him as well (strange as it seems). I also learned that he communicated inappropriately to females, I believe that this was a result of the drinking, I’m not sure. Needeless to say, I’m am focusing on myself more and day by day I know that I will get over him.