In this adapted excerpt from my latest ebook The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship , I share my tips for kicking the virtual relationship habit, which is when you’re too reliant on texts, instant messenger, email, Facebook, sexts et al and making loaves out of crumbs…
Shorten your meeting time.
The amount of time between meeting someone online and meeting face to face should be short. The longer it is, the greater the fantasy. There is no need to go through this pre-vetting process by having long drawn-out and misleading conversations via text, email, and even phone, without setting the date. You’re not a hotline for stroking the egos of strangers. Dating is a discovery phase – use dates to discover before you invest into having these lazy communications with someone you hardly know. Shortening this time period will save you a hell of a lot of pain and illusions.
It’s time for a lazy communication diet.
You’d be amazed at how quickly you’ll see how things really are when you opt to pick up the phone instead of texting or emailing, or opt to meet up instead of spending your days chatting.
Take at least a 3-6 month break from dating sites.
If you have a string of virtual relationships over an extended period of time, a 12 month break to reconnect with the real world is highly recommended. Don’t go back on dating sites until you’re ready to have hide of rhino and be the Columbo in your life.
If you have an extensive history of virtual relationships, I’d take a year’s break. Delete your profiles so that you don’t feel tempted to reconnect with those who track you down or to collect attention.
If texting, email, IM, and dating sites didn’t exist, and it was, for example, 1998, what would you do in the same situation?
Accept that texts, emails, etc., are not the bread and butter of a healthy relationship that requires regular and increasing human interaction; they’re the crumbs.
In an otherwise genuinely effort-filled relationship, these means of communication are fine, but otherwise, they are a deluding and unproductive use of your time that stunts communication.
If you’re not touching them more than you’re having lazy communication with them, this is not the relationship you think it is.
Stop being so words-focused – if you haven’t got actions and a relationship to match, you’ve got nothing but words and hot air.
If it hasn’t progressed into a face to face, bonafide relationship after a month of this contact, cut it off.
It won’t be over because you forced a meeting; it’ll be over because it was dependent on not meeting and you were both passing time.
No sexts, no arguing, and no discussions via text and email.
People who are in a relationship don’t have to rely on sexting to have a sexual relationship. It is completely inappropriate and quite passive aggressive to argue or attempt to have a meaningful discussion via text or email – face to face or voice to voice. If you want to clarify points post-discussion or argument by text/email, that’s one thing, but the truth is that mature, available adults don’t use these means to have meaningful discussions about meaningful relationships. You must learn to communicate on a level with people and face your fear of conflict and rejection.
If you are transitioning from a breakup, divorce, etc., deal with this first.
Stop using these involvements as a distraction. Texts, etc., are not going to get you over your breakup or provide you with the better relationship that you deserve.
No long distance relationships.
One to three hours travelling is do-able as long as you have the means to regularly make the journey. Some people are not cut out for long distance relationships – Dreamers fit that bill. The lack of face to face interaction and the distortion caused by it being long distance, which adds a tension that wouldn’t exist otherwise, is too dangerous for you. If the distance becomes too much and you spend more time thinking about the relationship than living it, let it go.
Be careful of being with people who spend a lot of their time travelling.
Certainly in the early months, this is a vulnerable hotspot for you and leaves you too wide open. You need to be with someone who you can see regularly both during the week and at the weekends. This isn’t to say that people who go away are unavailable – this is about you. Until you’re in the position of being real and fully accountable, it is dangerous to have relationships that give you an excuse to have too much alone time with your imagination and a legitimate reason to engage in crumb communication.
Accept that sex with primarily virtual contact isn’t a relationship; it’s a booty call with some window dressing. Nuff said.
Don’t create new ‘rules’ to justify the lazy communication.
Most Dreamers, especially Virtuals, have come up with all sorts of justifications for their behaviour based around modern dating. If you think that people are forging long-term relationships, getting married, having children, building lives together, by spending most of their time emailing, texting, IM’ng, and waiting around, think again. Nothing has changed – in order to create a mutually fulfilling relationship with love, care, trust, respect, and shared values, that has progression, consistency, commitment, balance, and intimacy, you both need to be in the real world, seeing each other regularly and putting in genuine physical and emotional effort that matches your words. It does not matter that texting, dating sites, Facebook or whatever exist – it’s only someone who wasn’t intending to commit and has found new means to make it easier to make a big deal out of crumbs, who will rely on these means.
If you feel like you want to keep a safe distance, you probably shouldn’t be involved.
You’re going to get to know someone by getting up close.
Respect your current relationship and no matter how innocuous you think it is, don’t entertain inappropriate interactions with people outside of your relationship.
If you couldn’t show your communications to your partner and they, in fact, have no knowledge of the person’s existence, it is inappropriate.
Sort your problems out.
Every person who is in a virtual relationship has problems that, instead of solving, they avoid by seeking attention and making a big deal out of crumbs. This is how you end up with bigger problems than what you started out with. Sometimes we do need a distraction in order to gain perspective so that we can approach a problem with renewed vigour and focus; having a virtual relationship is not a means of doing this.
Bid farewell to your exes, especially the ones from long ago.
Unless they add genuine, positive, out in the open and respectful value to your life, cut ‘em off. This will mean grieving the loss of them, but you’d be surprised at how short this will be when you can grab back the power for your life and you realise that you’re letting go of the best thing you never had so you can focus on experiencing the best thing that you can have in your future.
The ex from long ago that screwed you over or married someone else when you think you were so much better – let them go.
They have made their choice and they’re really not that special. Stop waiting around on the off chance that they might call you up after they’ve seen the light or tap you up for the role of the Other Woman (or guy). Stop stroking their ego, sending nude shots, or waiting around for them to send you dumb texts about the weather or your shared favourite sports team. It’s all bullshit.
Your thoughts?
The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship is now available from my bookshop along with with Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1083 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Men who use text or email as their preferred mode of communication instead of at the very least voice communication , in my opinion usually have something to hide..probably another woman or two,who they are stringing along as well. Could be an ex..who they are still involved with if they have kids with them..or alternatively some one just like yourself who does their best to give them the benefit of the doubt of their being over loaded with work commitments etc etc etc. The only truth in most of it ..is , that they are LIARS ….hiding behind their mobiles or PC. The IT era , allows a lot of males to continue and grow into nothing but accomplished professional…liars , who are absolute cowards in reality. They don’t have the decency to treat women with respect …I refuse to indulge in this kind of communication , albeit I was once mucked around by a guy in that way …..for a long time. The worse part of that being, he told me in an email the afternon after having stayed the night at my place ,and left the next morning for work. This was someone I knew for yrs not a couple of months !!! It’s so much easier for someone to do that , or even lie in a text or email, if they’re that way inclined …they will use text and email abundantly. There are women who do this too …With that particular man I did still need to communicate with him because of a working relationship being involved. I told him that I wanted to only communicate with him re- work related stuff, amazing !!!! he then deliberately ignored the emails I would send ….that were strictly business related..not nasty..not sarcastic…not even personal…just strictly Business…and business that required his response ….what a sad joke ..in the end I was able to change that scenario..so as I didn’t have to communicate with him any more….after talking to many friends who have been on dating sites ..seems a lot of these men …just want someone to send BS talk text messgs , very sick and disrespectful behaviour….so come on ladies..if we don’t indulge them…they may well and truly get the messg, and begin to treat women as we deserve to be treated !!!! meaning personal voice calls inbetween .. personal dates / and meetings, which are face to face…
It is very difficult if there is a business relationship involved, because, in the end, as all relationships, it requires a certain amount of positive emotional energy in order to subsist; how do you keep up the positive emotional energy flowing if you’ve developed resentments and without being a harem member?! A pretty fine line to walk, I’m struggling with such an issue right now and it’s a very shitty place to be in, I mean, when NC is not a option.
Teddy- quickly try to find some one else, asap, so that is where the positive energy will come from, it wont be fake, you’ll be happy and excited about some one new..and if you look in any direction, you can probably find some one better than the ex….
WOW, I so needed to hear this! My last relationship, the guy that USED to call me all the time, stopped calling and only communicated through FB Chat. The last guy did the same thing. It was then that I realized that I was wanting someone that doesn’t want me. I never got over this guy because other people’s lies tore us apart, but now, I realized that he was NEVER INTO ME to begin with and I am wasting time blaming myself about something that he could careless about. I keep hoping that one day, he will reach out to me and want to start over and rekindle our romance, but that is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. For two years, I held on hoping and praying for the off chance that he would realize that I am the woman for him. In reality, he WON’T and even if he one day did, he DOESN’T DESERVE WHAT I HAVE TO OFFER!!!
NO MORE. I let him go and I am moving on to a GREAT LIFE and there is a GREAT GUY out there that I will run into one day!
Cc
I agree. They’re a bit pathetic these guys hey. In terms of self delusion I mean. I have no probs with leaving him on the backburner re music though. I will be needing someone with his skills at some point (but will work with a few different people, & he best, if at all, would only have a very minor role to play).
Florence Nightingale has well & truely retired. I almost break out in hives at the mere THOUGHT of anyone having those sort of massive red flags, & after xAC (who turned out to be absolutely PUTRID) I actually feel physically ill & like vomiting! Hence, no dates for him & feel repulsed by those issues. Safe to say he’s a no brainer!!
Ugh.
Hi Forever Alice,
Sounds like you got a bit of a doozey there. i.e. Is tht guy FOR REAL? Talking babies (when you aready have children) & have NEVER MET?! I’m gobsmacked (& it sounds like you were too!) He sounds like a dating site / internet troll. He prolly gets web cam sex off some of the other females he video chat with!!! Noooo!!! Glad yr spidey senses are working!
Thanks Polly. I appreciate yr kindness. I’m having a fully blown ‘breakthrough’ (as opposed to ‘breakdown’). Having spent two decades working in the social work field (3 yrs full time college educated with an additional 2 years of uni already completed & umpteen specialist professional dev training seminars re trauma, attachment, sexual assault, crim & family law, with a specialist focus on law reform, research & policy, working with homeless youth & their families & women & children who are survivors of D.V), I sometimes read my own story & feel sad for what I experienced as a child. It’s like there’s three parts of me. The trained professional with years of personal therapy under my belt who understands intellectually my situation in an academic & therapeautic sense. Then there’s the little girl inside who was so deeply taumatised & wounded by so many things in my childhood. As many do, I was very fortunate to be able to ‘take my lemons & made lemonade’ & my personal insight makes me very good at my job (when I’m fit to work that is – which right now I’m not). And finally, there’s me the Mother, grieving the loss of my murdered unborn child on Mothers Day, not to mention the difficulties with my adult Son & knowing that the chance of more children – which I always wanted if I found & kind & decent man to marry, is fast slipping away, due to my age (42).
I think I need to give myself a BIG hug & remember I haven’t been brought this far in life, only to be let down now. I have to believe there’s hope for me yet. Maybe not of children (I’m taking 2 years off from dating whilst I go through the court case, regain my health, sort out if I’m keeping my house in suburbs or selling up & relocating to an inner city apartment & re-establish my career)
*big girl panties on* The Buddhists say life is about suffering. There are also those who have things FAR worse than me. In my line of work – I know that for a fact. I draw great inspiration from their many stories. x
SM I agree with A. Some people do have silent numbers, for all sorts of valid reasons. If you think you’ve acted a tad prematurely (which perhaps you don’t), you could just ask him point blank for his home contact number. If he gives an excuse for not giving it you then I’d agree maybe something dodgy there. That said I wouldn’t give my private home number to someone I didn’t know yet & tend to give only my movile number at first in case they turn out to be a stalker. You’re the one in the situation so maybe your gut’s already told you somethings not right? If that’s the case, that’s fine too. Plenty of fish & all that. Best of luck with your dating endeavours going forward. T
Sorry SM. Didn’t see yr last post. In that case trust yr gut. ‘He’s off on weekends’ also rings huge alarm bells. Sounds like u were right to flush. Our gut is rarely wrong.
I too would be interested in the book Attachment Late Bloomer. I will look into getting it (& NML still waiting to hear if I can yr ebooks for smart phone download so I can read it in bed?). Back to Late Bloomer, we just never know how many other people might be helped, inadvertently, by what we post here. Thankyou for mentioning that as I too have difficulties in the area you describe & the dynamic is very similar (based on feedback from a couple of platonic friends in fact with whom I’ve experienced some difficulties). See, I knew there must be hope for yet. Trying to stay positive here, despite being a glaring obvious train wreak here atm. lol
T- it’s a fabulous book. And I’ve found with the knowledge gained from BR over the past year, the info really hits home. It’s also based on lots of academic psych research on attachment, but translated into “real life” so easily applied. The info has also been helpful for non romantic relationships too. Book web site: http://www.attachedthebook.com. I’ve also used the audio book. The guy that reads it: boring as dirt. But you get used to it and the material still sticks.
You go He Is Not That Special! AWESOME stuff! x
I have been reading Baggage Reclaim for over a year, but this the first time I’ve left a comment. I think Nat is absolutely amazing, and all the comments all of you leave help me realize I am not as utterly alone as I feel at times! I have been living on crumbs for so long, that I am pretty much starved, so the crumbs pretty much looked like a delicious cake! That was before Nat and you all helped me come to my senses!!
Thank you so much! I went NC 5 days ago, I’m so sad and missing him like crazy, but I know that I deserve someone who cares about me enough to be honest, and not constantly looking for someone better…he is constantly on dating sites, he says just to chat, but he has met up with a few of them. He says they are just friends, but I don’t think I would have found a condom in his pocket, if that was true! Even though I know he is no good for me, it still hurts! I hope I start feeling better soon, and start loving myself and life again.
Feeling Used, I just wanted to say well done to you! I read a lot of hurt in your post, but you have really done the right thing, that litany of offenses you listed right there says it all. You deserve MUCH better than this yukky creep. By going NC you have already shown that you love and care about yourself. And no – you are not alone! Better times FeelingUsed, better times coming your way x x x
It hurts more when they are not good for you. But not as much as staying with them. And it gets better when they are out of your life unlike when they are in it when it gets progressively worse. I was in your position when I found BR. I celebrated 6 months NC this weekend. It feels very very good. You WILL start feeling better soon. Keep busy and do lots of stuff and it will start working – guaranteed!
So proud of you!
Feeling Used, I’m glad you posted. Yeah, it’s a total bitch but you are NOT alone. It was totally amazing for me when I realized I was settling for crumbs. If he is constantly on dating sites and carrying condoms in his pocket, he is on the prowl. Plenty of friends do the deed. Run as fast as you can from this dirt bag. Do what ever it takes to stay NC and you’ll start feeling better soon.
No dude carries condoms in his pocket unless…
It hurts but at least you are not married to him and trying to raise babies while he’s on dating sites and carrying. Get out now. I am sorry for your pain. I know it. You can do way better if you opt out now.
…he is constantly on dating sites, he says just to chat, but he has met up with a few of them. He says they are just friends, but I don’t think I would have found a condom in his pocket, if that was true!
Of course they are just friends, just friends which give him a blowjob and slip him a piece. That’s what my AC would say – ‘I’m seeing a ‘friend”. FLUSH!
My heart goes out to you. Sexual rejection is one of the harshest to recover from and having or knowing that they’re screwing someone else is just THE WORST FEELING ever. These guys have no shame. As grace would say, NUKE HIM.
Every time I think I am above certain ground rules, I end up getting burned. Case in point: I had read another article on this site about how I should not rely on text communication. I started dating a guy I met from a dating website (my first time), and we went from talking on the phone to constant texting throughout the day. He had long shifts, would always text me good morning, and we’d text throughout the day. I figured this was fine since we didn’t get to see each other often, maybe 2 x’s a week or more if he was off work for the weekend (but I would remember the article I read on this site, and yet I ignored it). One thing that stood out was that he was exceptionally flirty and flattering in texts – telling me he really liked me, that I was special, how pretty I was, etc, etc. When we saw each other, he rarely communicated these same words in person except to compliment me on my looks. I even asked him why he didn’t but he shrugged me off. I figured “Okay, he’s shy.”
Long story short, he went from saying through text that he really hopes we continue forward even if it was so early on (about 2 months) to telling me he was leaving the country for his job and couldn’t see me anymore (to his credit he told me in person).One week later he’s defriending me on FB and now publicly in a relationship with a girl who “just a friend”, but one I suspect was his ex-gf who came back into the picture.
Hopefully I have learned my lesson and that is to not settle for these crumbs of a communication, because one can truly shape a relationship any way he likes with good command of the English language. And then I’m left feeling like I got robbed. “If you’re not touching them more than you’re having lazy communication with them, this is not the relationship you think it is.” TRUTH.
Thanks Little Star. Im very sorry to hear of what happened to you but am very glad that you were able to tell someone & so quickly. It’s taken me 27 years to tell anyone other than my therapist (starting with the police, then my sister & one Aunt). Obviously such things ppl in all sorts of ways, so therapy on & off when needed is never a bad idea. Because I’d already dealt with these issues at depth I didn’t have any *major* trust issues until xAC showed up. After the crap he pulled, I certainly do now though! Oh well. We live & learn. Plus I’m not remotely fit to be dating atm so too easy! lol Take care & hugs x
I love Baggage Reclaim. So much of what Nat writes about I can see in my own life. Thank you Natalie for opening my eyes.
I think my biggest problem is that I have low self-esteem. So I’d rather “put up” with an “assclown” then be alone. Its very sad that I do this. I always think everyone else is “better” than me. When I get dumped by a guy (or cheated on) I always look and look at the other women and wonder “what has she got that I don’t? Is she that much prettier than me, richer, better personalitly??? We women waste so much time.
Hey Summer
It’s GOOD that you’ve realised that – it shows that you’re learning from your experiences, painful as they might be. Now it’s a case of doing something about it. I remember, though, that whenever people said “you need to improve your self-esteem” my response was “oh yeah, I’ll just go and buy some in a chemist, shall I?”
It’s taken me until now and a fairly grim set of events in my life to realise that low self-esteem is a CHOICE. It’s sad and it’s not fair that we grew up believing that we weren’t worth anything for whatever reason, but we don’t have to carry on living as if we believe it.
You don’t have to question yourself when someone (who clearly isn’t very nice anyway) dumps you for someone else – they’re the one with the manky soul. Instead question why you chose to hang around with and invest in someone not-very-nice in the first place. You don’t have to hang out with not-nice people. You don’t deserve to be treated badly. Nobody – even the most annoying, unattractive, socially inept person in the world (which I bet you’re not) – deserves to be lied to and have their trust betrayed. You don’t have to waste that time, you don’t have to give yourself sh!t for someone ELSE’S manky behaviour and you don’t have to ‘put up’ with ANYTHING.
You can choose how you feel about yourself, and the first step towards feeling good about yourself is to start faking it until you make it. Act like someone who deserves better and, gradually, you’ll start to feel like someone who DOES deserve better.
It works, I promise – I might be stuck in a manky set of circumstances right now but it’s been worth it to offload all the CRAP that I used to believe about myself. Seriously – believe that you’re worth more.
Thank you! Not that special indeed! My ex still tried to instant message me, text me, ask me how I am doing ask me how my cat and bird is doing etc,etc stop tossing me breadcrumbs stop stroking that ego it’s over! You broke up with me remember? You cheated on me remember? We are not chums, we are not anything! Just stop! I do not respond to his lousy instant messages and why should I stroke that ego? Stop focusing on me and start focusing on the girl you left me for and stop tossing me breadcrumbs! I am not your property! On Skype last night ( Ignored) how the cat and bird was again and if I had a beau. Why he even cares about my cat and bird if I have a beau is beyond me….. Clown…….
I agree with this post up to a point. I am in favour of meeting up, but also think it is important to get a feel for somebody online first and meet up only when you feel comfortable – call me over-cautious, but I’d rather be safe than sorry.
natslayer
I think that’s fine but we mustn’t get too comfortable with the virtual world. There needs to be a time limit.
And some people are just no good at texts/emails (very good female friend sends flat and boring texts/emails but is great fun in real life) or TOO good. You meet them and even if you wouldn’t normally give them the time of day, you’re remembering the nice emails etc and not registering what’s in front of you. That’s how I ended up with the abusive ex. He seemed so harmless in his electronic form. Read that wrong. We did a lot of msg-ing before meeting in real life but I wasn’t really meeting him, I was meeting the image I had of him in my head. Of course that had the added dimension of distance.
I don’t do online dating but if he sounds reasonably sensible and there are no redflags or penis pictures, then I think it’s best to meet sooner rather than later. Of course, we still need to be in the discovery phase, rather than getting over-invested in I HAD A DATE/two dates/ I’ve met a man! (note to self).
Just some thoughts- today, tomorrow I may feel differently. I have not been online, because of all the negative feedback I hear- married men, predators, cyber attention junkies, EU, harem builders, etc, etc….it seems exhausting, and I am already tired of dating. But which option is more of a spirit deal breaker of chronic disappointment. Truth be told, many of my urban friends are not meeting any one in Real Life either, and we live in a great zip code of a major city and work important jobs at Big Company. Social pressure to be in a couple is chronic. They report comments like “it must be tough being single at your age, are you trying x,y,z, can I set you up with so and so?” I’ve been told “You are way too attractive to be single” by (married) co-workers, and people at the gym, church, bars, setups, volunteer groups and all those other “real life” places to meet people. And, yet, time is passing, and passing…. To quote Evan Mark Katz, a professional dating coach, he is pro online, (for older women- college age kids are meeting people on campus or at bars) because it creates a possibility where there was none- after you have exhausted your Real Life possibilities; he states “So as I see it, you have two choices: quit online dating and make a supreme effort to go to as many parties, coffee shops and adult education classes as possible OR try to find a way to avoid the worst of the online daters.” True enough .It shouldn’t be this hard, but it is this hard, people give up because it feels like a second job. Stay on your toes and quickly filter out the legions of non-possibles. I guess this is reality nowadays. Adjust your expectations (? ) if you Absolutely Cannot go on like this for one more year) or stay on the tiring hamster wheel of dating (if you can keep keeping your hopes up). Never in the history of human events have people been single or dated for so long, to quote Liz Wurtzel, “the solace that there will be others is little relief, when there have already been more than enough.’ Tee hee hee, at least it can be fun to read and blog about it, one of the few escapes of living it.
I guess you could always have a phone call before meeting up to see if anything sounds ‘off’ about the guy….and of course make sure that you meet up in a public place where you can easily and safely exit if need be.
@Teddy…It is excrutiatingly difficult at first .I went through a lot of anger and pain in the begining ,then I decided to get even.How…by being positive and happy, if I have to be in his vicinity , fortunately there is always others ,I don’t have to be on my own with him. So I make sure, I feel and look good ( for my sake ..not his ) if I’m going to be in the same room, at the same time, at the same table. It’s funny but since I’m being kind to me , it is working.and it shows in many ways ….yet .he actually looks haggard and I just think ” “What a loser “..I’m not attempting to claim credit for him looking that way..( ie: he’s missing me ) but I know he musn’t be travelling the best.and he doesn’t have my friendship any longer, nor love or support to fall back on……he occassionally makes an attempt at conversation…I’m always polite , if he does that..but I give him the shortest answer I can muster..smile politely and then say see ya..I don’t give him any opportunity to get any personal information or chat from me. You will get there too..if you have to….I assure you he’ll be more taken aback by your non-chalant attitude toward him, than he would be by any anger. And this isn’t about pay back ..it’s about looking after you…:)
This is certainly sound practical advice, thanks Pam! Yes, I came to similar conclusions and am doing my best to follow this course.
Best thing of course is to keep one’s bits out of one’s bread and butter in the first place, a bitter lesson I learned the hard way.
i discovered this website a year ago, when i was seeing a typical E.U guy, so i ended that…it took about 5 months to fully end, due to random txts from him asking if i was ignoring him, and me jumping to conclusions’ ohhh he misses me crap’….anyway in january just gone my mate set me up with a guy she knows. we started dating, i was constantly checking for any red flags.we had nothing in common but got on really well.
Anyway,i ended with him last friday.he lived an hour away from me, could only see me at the weekends and in the week everthing was based on bloody txt message.it was fun to begin with, but after 5 months i just felt how on earth can we progress with txting being the basis, and i felt so bloody lonely in the week.
a year ago, i would have dragged the shit outa the reltionship, scared of starting again, however i bravely told him i was unhappy, i was fed up of it being a one way compromising street, an unemotional one at that due to him telling me he doesnt believe in love and having the inability to feel an empathy.so i walked away, telling myself i have alot of love to give and im not wasting it on someone who doesnt believe in love and i only saw at the weekends, who lives an hour away.yeah i miss the company at the weekends and my phone txting off the hook, but its shortlived and not enough to build a life around.
for the first time in my life i looked out for number 1.feels bloody strange…and i have this website and my friends and family to thank for that….so cheers baggage reclaim….its hard work, but so rewarding
Hands clapping! Well done, Laura! This BR education is paying off big time.
This is SO true! I wrote a blog about internet dating in 2010 (it is still available to read on the Harriet Bond website; http://www.harrietbond.com) and for that, I actually went on some dating sites to test the water. As a single woman, I had nothing to lose… except…. my dignity!! Actually, I came away from it with a hell of a lot more dignity: these sites actually made me think: ‘Oh my god, I am SO much better than this!!!’ I took my profile off after a couple of months, mainly due to pure, unadulterated BOREDOM! Most of the men on there were looking for an ego boost and certainly weren’t interested in meeting up… they just wanted to ‘chat’ ad nauseum (and believe me, I was completely immersed in nauseum by about week 2!). I realised rather soon that I was not attracting anyone who was interested in meeting up or actually forming a meaningful relationship. It was also a real eye-opener how many men are on there to test out the waters and after only a few messages start asking you where you live and if you live alone…. all that sort of crap! Luckily, I am way beyond taking scraps, but these dating sites are really dangerous for those who are in the first vulnerable stages of post-breakup, or those women who don’t have the confidence to say categorically ‘get lost’ (or something a little less polite, in my case!). A very interesting article: you are right, all healthy relationships share a common factor: they have participants who actually communicate face to face or voice to voice. Unless we want to be robots, talking and looking at each other and interacting in all of those subtle, non-verbal ways you do when you’re in someone’s company, is really the only way to make a genuine connection with someone!
Great stuff Laura! Well done! x
Yoghurt – I couldn’t agree more. Self esteem IS a choice & I really liked your post on this. I would add that we are 100% responsible for choosing which thoughts about ANYTHING to entertain & which one’s to let go. (i.e. We can’t control getting a particular thought – but we can & do choose which ones to believe & continue thinking about & which one’s we dismiss)
That said, IMO, this only the case for those who realise it is so. Hence ‘choice’ only exists once we realise there are 1. other alternatives & 2. that we have the power to ‘choose’ between them.
Some people have been treated so badly from such a young age, by almost if not all, of the key influencial people in their lives, that they don’t don’t realise that there is alternative way of viewing themselves. (AKA ‘ I was told I was crap all my life by everyone so I believed it as they ALL agreed so they MUST be right). There’s an old saying, that we ‘don’t know what we don’t know’. Until people from such backgrounds meet someone who mirrors a positive view of themselves to them, instead of the negative one, based on logic, the ‘low self esteem version’ is all they have of a model of themselves, because this is all they’ve ever known. A person at this stage of development has not yet developed the power of choice, as they don’t know what healthy self esteem IS, let alone that it EXISTS, thus effectively has no choice.
Once we meet someone who challenges our negative self view though (often a therapist, teacher, or for some, this site even), & who gives us positive feedback about who we are, the realisation that we’ve been fed poison starts to emerge, & alternative ways of seeing ourselves start to exist (because this is now modelled to us). IMO it’s not until this point that self esteem as a choice starts to exist.
I just wanted to add this to your wonderful post on this topic.
great insight… i believe this too. rock on luv. T
Yea, teachable, those are all really good points – I was wondering if I could shoehorn something similar in but I was aware of the word count!
The bother is that mostly you don’t think that low self-esteem is low self-esteem, you think you’re being ‘realistic’ or ‘honest’ or whatever. And conversely, you accept all criticism of you as valid because it’s criticism. Of you.
I went round and round with this one, it drove me mad. Eventually I had to say ‘right, it’s perfectly possible that I AM the most annoying and socially inept and unattractive person in the history of the world. But it doesn’t matter. Even annoying people don’t deserve to be lied to, manipulated, used or hurt’. And then the more I stopped acting as though it WAS okay to lie to, manipulate, use or hurt me (and starting hanging out with nice people who were nice to me), the more I realised that I’m perfectly alright really.
Some more thoughts, seeing as the opportunity’s here… I used to think that high self-esteem meant a) thinking that you were perfect and b) having everyone like you all the time. It doesn’t – it means accepting yourself as imperfect (do you expect everyone else to be perfect and brilliant all the time?) and accepting everyone’s right to not like people sometimes, including yours.
Hi… i liked this post. pointed. I have developed a new system for keeping me away from mr. eum and their texting ways. Since I dealt with a few eums in my time, And the the last being an 8 year MESS. Ok that came to a end in jan of this year. and so i said no guys for a while. BUT saying that just made them flock to me and yes the past 4 have been EUMs. I am quicker to spot now. a few dates and i say RED FLAG so because i STILL ADMIT i have issues and need to get my self esteem back to its proper level, i label these guys in my contacts as 1. Mr. hot and cold 2. Toxic Assclown 3. Questionable (he is 56 divorced great dr. but he has his issues SO he gets that name) It is fun when the phone rings and I see Mr. HOt and cold or my fave, Toxic Assclown. I don’t read the texts i don’t answer the phone and Lord knows in a moment of weakness I don’t want to pull up Toxic Assclown and give him a ring. It is a little method that seems to be working right now as my protection… thanks ladies. Ciao T
tina,
Naming them seems like an excellent idea, puts the red flags right in front of your face so it’s impossible to deny.
I’ll borrow this method myself
thanks
Hi guys, I wrote an email to my friend of 13 years who had mistreated me in many way as an eu friend who after years started “loving” me and proceeded a hot/cold roller coaster ride that I forgave over and over. I finally wrote an email yesterday in 3rd person as if it was him writing it to me, I got everything off my chest and in the open and it is done now. I will be hurting but wanted to share what I wrote, sorry so long:
Remember the card you gave me entitled “FRIEND”? I have taken the time to consider our friendship over the years, and I personalized the message for you. I wrote it as it would be from you to me. It sounds a little more like us when I put the words in.
from: Him
to: me (but actually written by me)
My good friend, my friend who I love and miss so much, my friend that I want to stay in my life forever, this is how I will treat you after 13 years to ensure that you do so:
Up and leave and disappear from your life as if you never existed and ignore your texts and emails after 2 years of daily lunches, happy hours, countless emails, secrets shared and texts, (after all I am busy with my life so you just need to accept that).
When I come back I wont be honest with you or apologize I will just press the reset button knowing you’ll be so glad to accept me back I wont have to take responsibility for any hurt or confusion I caused you. Thank you for not making it dfficult, now we can pick up where we left off.
I will after 7 years of friendship, not introduce you to my fiance as someone who is an important part of my life.
I wont invite you to my wedding and I will tell you in the endzone of the Steelers game when your having fun, that the wedding is a few short weeks away, just to see your surprise and to let you know I have not involved you in the planning or my excitement about the upcoming big day. Sorry about your hurt feelings but I only gave out the invitations to the closest people in my life, its all I could fit in. Sorry you couldnt be there after all those years.
I will pull you closer in by telling you how much I love and care for you, as long as I have time but dont start expecting it too often or show it back too strongly as out of love, I will be forced to pull away and start distancing myself from you. I wont be able to tell you sorry for your confusion or hurt either…I am busy and know…
Very well put “C”, I just hope you did not actually send it to him.
Went through something very similar so I know how it hurts.
texting/FB chat/skype seems to be the way everyone wants to do it and it drives me mad. the last 5 people i have dated have chosen this as the primary medium to communicate through. including arranging dates, and ending things.
i find it insulting and have chosen to respond in kind. in other words, if someone can’t give me the time of day IN PERSON then I’m not going to give it to them. All this ”i don’t have time to meet you/there’s no privacy at my house so i can’t phone you” BS…well there was plenty of time at the beginning when you thought you wanted me so what’s changed!?!
I am becoming more and more disillusioned with this. Women make it too easy for men in this way, and I for one, am not puttin’up with it no more;)
I had an online ‘relationship’. I was the one who didn’t want to meet him. He kept trying to push me, but I always said no. But, I’d have to say we were both AC/EU’s because …well, I play games, and so did he, but I didn’t lie to him. I told him that I just wanted to be “pen pals because I didn’t know this guy, and I didn’t trust him…. But, yep, he was an AC who seduced me with Shakespeare, but it was unexpectedly mixed with “won’t you play with my ding-a-ling.” And, when he said he wanted to meet me, he was only talking about skype-ing me…nope, I never did that, thank God.
good grief i met someone who did the exact same thing…weirdos!!!
I feel under the “illusion” it would somehow hurt less to get “rejected” online, But you know I think it hurts even worse – because then you really did not have a “fair” chance to be known and vise verse, Long distance things can work out with some people, it happens, but you have to be able to meet.. and all too often they are hiding something.. another woman they are seeing in person.
What Natalie said about starting ‘meaningful or conflict’ conversations by text or phone or email.
Guilty as charged. I have done this more times than I care to admit, the last time I did it I tried to rectify it by turning up at his house the next day after sending a long text. He looked at me like i was his stalker. Now he turned out to be shockingly mean, BUT I know that, that text I sent him would of been a red or amber flag to any guy. I really need to admit to myself that I can’t express my feelings or concerns to guys faces easily – I’m written form fine! speaking, I get all tongue tied.
Hello ladies-I’m so happy I found Natalie’s book “Mr. Unavailable”. It has opened my eyes to the real world of my very own Assclown. My story is a long one that began July 31, 2008. I met him on an online dating site (IS). We met in person within the first month when I stayed at his home for 2 days-He’s a U.S. military man and was living in S.Cali at the time (I live about 400 miles away near San Francisco) and a few months later I stayed with him one other time for 4 days (I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve actually only had “physical” contact with him on two separate occasions for a total of 6 days). The entire relationship has been a Long Distance Cyber Nightmare! A one-sided relationship of me chasing dangling carrots, believing in un-kept promises, surviving on bread crumbs and WAITING, WAITING, WAITING for that next phone call, text message, or email. Not to mention the hours and hours of online chatting-He is a master of yahoo chat (probably an expert “Master-bater” as well). It has been on-again-off-again for the last 4 years-I’ve gone the ignoring him route too many times to count, only to give in to his out-of-the-blue popping in, my addiction of him, and the fantasy that he will finally be the man I’ve been waiting for. He should get an Oscar for his Future Faking! Over the past four years he has moved from S. Cali to South Korea to Seattle and is now deployed to Afghanistan all the while making promises that we will be together when he gets to this place or that but nothing has ever materialized. It’s been a theme park romance of Merry-go-rounds, roller coaster rides and I even got to see an Assclown to boot. Well this girl has had enough! “Stop the ride I wanna get off”! He’s been in the Middle East since May of this year, I WAS writing (emails) to him everyday. He responded several times and he actually attempted to call me twice from there but his calls from over seas were made in the middle of the night (Calif time) and of course I was sleeping. The dumb ass never let me know he was going to call….It has been almost 1 month since my last email to him and I’m ready to start the NCR. I wish I could say that I”m on day 22 of NC but I can’t because I’ve been WAITING for him to reply to my last email since July 5. So today will mark day one of NC.No more waiting and/or responding. I can’t keep lying to myself about his true intentions-After reading Mr. Unavailable it’s all there in black and white and its as if Natalie had a birds eye view of my life over the past four years and was speaking directly to me. xo
Welcome Jody Malone. I’m sorry you went through 4 years of AC/EUM online grief. I felt the same way after reading Mr. U and the FBG. Natalie has this uncanny brilliance of knowing. It is all there in black and white. After I read Mr. U, there was no going back. Congratulations on going NC. You may be surprised at how much time you have to tend to you, instead of organizing your life so you can respond to some random text message. No more waiting and no more lying. It is liberating. Since you are probably going to have some time now, download Natalie’s Dreamer Book. It’s totally fabulous and a great companion piece to Mr. U. The only way we can maintain an “online relationship” is through dreaming!
Stop the ride and the dream. I wanted to get off too. And the dream became a nightmare. Good for you girl. Keep coming back to BR.