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In this excerpt from new eBook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I give an insight into what is running through the mind of The Cheater, the man who likes to have his cake and eat it too, whilst lying on it and promising the world….
The Mr Unavailable that cheats is a special breed. This guy has made it down the aisle or appears to be in some form of committed relationship (or at least his partner thinks so!). But this doesn’t make him any less emotionally unavailable.
The mistake that the Other Woman makes with these men is assuming that because these men appear to be committed to someone else, that these are the type of men that commit, and that they’ll eventually commit to her.
It is possible for Mr Unavailable’s to be in relationships or even married. It doesn’t change who they are, it’s just that for whatever reason they have chosen to take the plunge. It could be through fear, it could be through a desperate urge to keep that one woman who wouldn’t tolerate his behaviour and made him jump through hoops, or he could even have found himself trapped. It could be for any number of reasons but for whatever reason, he hasn’t changed, or if he did, he has now reverted back to his old self. It is not a victory to get an emotionally unavailable man down the aisle. If he’s not married but is cheating, it’s very possible that the woman that he’s in a relationship with is clutching at straws with him too. The reality is that there are a lot of people out there who are prepared to believe that they are in a committed relationship, even when they aren’t. If you’re reading this book, you are one of them!
I’m sure some Mr Unavailable’s make the decision to work at engaging emotionally with their partner. But others expect the fact they’ve moved in or married or had a baby to work some kind of magic, heal their issues, and make them happy. When they still feel distanced, lonely, and miserable, they tend to blame the partner, and behave as when they were single/uncommitted. They may cheat or drink or become workaholics, or simply indulge in cold, distant, punishing behaviour. Maybe some just keep their discontent to themselves and try to behave well — but unfortunately, I haven’t been in a relationship with one like this.
Mediatrix, Mr Unavailable Guide reader comment
The trouble with Mr Unavailable is that he sees himself as Mr Wonderful, and with the The Cheater, he is very good at distancing himself as far as possible from the reality of his behaviour. I’m not claiming that they don’t realise that they are sticking it to someone else, but for most cheaters, it gets rationalised so that they don’t get to feel too bad about themselves. Trust me; if they faced the reality of what they were doing to the person that they’re cheating on, and what they’re doing to the OW, they’d bail out far quicker. It’s the ability to delude themselves and romanticise the situation that keep things ticking over for so long.
The Cheater is a particularly insecure breed of Mr Unavailable because in some respects, he needs the security of what appears to be a proper relationship under his belt so girlfriends and wives are almost like trophies or show ponies.
Men, just like women, are privy to the same pressures from their peers, family, and societal expectations, and they find themselves trying to do, not what they want to do, but what they believe they ought to. So you’ll often find that The Cheater can be a high achiever or certainly aspire to the great things in life and in some jobs, men that appear to have all of their bases covered and are settled can climb the career ladder quicker.
Mr Unavailable’s are incredibly opportunistic, so whether she looks good on his arm and makes others around them believe that he is king of the castle with a perfect life, or he gets the benefits of her money, a pending inheritance, or a promotion at her father’s firm, he is investing in his image and his future. He will play the dutiful boyfriend or husband, but after a while, he needs to distance himself from what appear to be the shackles of his relationship. He needs to blow off steam. He needs to believe that he’s still got the magic. He needs to escape.
Some of the guys find themselves believing that they are trapped and held by their short and curlies. I have had countless emails from Fallback Girls who found themselves pregnant by their Mr Unavailable and sometimes impending fatherhood makes these men believe that they can change and have them aspire to be more than they are. And then…sometimes they’re just scared shitless and attempt to do the right thing. But either way, at some point, he realises that it’s not enough or that the weight of expectations on him is just too much and he starts looking elsewhere and in his mind, casts himself as a victim.
Whatever it is that causes him to find himself as The Cheater, he becomes like a little boy playing truant, believing that he’s getting one over on everyone around him and outwitting them. He thinks he’s really clever, and he actually convinces himself that he behaves as he does because it’s in everyone’s interest to protect them from the truth, but in reality, he’s just excusing himself from the responsibility of his behaviour, much like he’s decided to excuse himself from the responsibility of his relationship.
You may wonder what runs through his mind and whether he intentionally goes out of his way to deceive the women he entangles in his web. I think at the beginning and certainly for the first few months, maybe even a year, he believes what he is saying about wanting to be with you and wanting the time to be right and yada, yada, yada, but to be honest, he is too caught up in the thrill, the excitement, the escapism, and having his ego massaged to actually genuinely concern himself with the finer details.
He’s just reacting to his urges and his instincts and unless he’s a total bastard, sometimes he feels genuinely conflicted about what he’s doing.
He’s like a scared little boy and he doesn’t know how to make a decision because he is afraid of betting at the wrong table and he would rather have both than have just one that he’s not sure of. He likes cheating or should I say, he likes the results of it, and as the OW, you fit in really well with his life because you quickly adopt his schedule making things oh so easy for him. He’s getting what he wants from both of you.
Do not make the mistake of thinking that one of you is giving him what he really needs. Don’t get it twisted! No matter what crap he tells you about his problems at home and how he didn’t see himself doing it, that situation at home works for him. You have no idea what his true experience is and at the end of the day, whether he’s got a girlfriend, living together, married, kids, waiting for them to go to college, waiting for a kid to go to school, waiting for her to get over depression, waiting for her inheritance to come through, it.works.for.him. No matter what he says, it is an excuse to continue the charade because the reality is that there are men who cheat and there are men who meet you when they have someone else, but the conscience and their morals won’t allow them to mess either one of you around, and they sort out their lives and take a chance on being with you.
The Cheater cheats everyone around him and OWs tend to focus on him deceiving others to be with her but they don’t spend enough time considering that he has to deceive them too in order to deal with their other life.
They learn very quickly to leave out important parts of their lives because they don’t want to set you off on a ‘When are you leaving her? Tangent’. There is no escaping their deception and what you have to accept, is that they deceive everyone including themselves so very little truth comes out of their mouths or actions. They mean what they say as much as you can mean anything when you have a total disconnection from who you are.
When people say that he won’t leave his wife/girlfriend they are normally right. Obviously you have to be skilful enough to weed out the plain ‘ole haters, but if everyone from the cat to his great, great Aunty Betty says that he won’t leave, I’d listen to the evidence. I know there is no legislating for love but when everyone knows that you’re the other woman and they see the real him; you’d be surprised at the truth of their words. “He won’t leave him” should translate to “Abort mission. Take a parachute and jump!”
This excerpt is taken from the chapter The Other Woman from my new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
“He thinks he is really clever”. That is so aggrivating & makes me so mad I didnt blow the whole lid off things when I realized what my eum was doing! I was so reeling from the pain I couldnt see straight. I would have felt so much better telling him what I thought of him & telling his new “significant other” that he was actually sleeping with both of us. When a man tells you he is in it for the “long haul” , tells you he loves you & talks of a future that to me means exclusivity. I found out he was actually seeing us both & when he thought he was caught actually had the nerve to say “I have nothing to hide, it’s nothing I have done wrong, not a secret.” Talk about the “justifying zone”. I’m sure he considered it “dating”. Im sure his new girlfriend would have taken the news differently. I know I did.
Really brilliant article. Certainly got me thinking as I still cant help but think “why on earth did I ever get involved with a married man, what was HE thinking, what was I thinking!!!” Personally, I also think that part of the “rush” for him was being taken back time and time again by his wife – I think that also was a huge challenge to him ie to see how she “needed” him and “loved” him so much that she would take him back. I feel sorry for her – I got to know a hell of a lot about him (he used to boast about all his conquests) stuff he said his wife never knew! Yeah, the Serial Cheater is certainly a “different beast” and a leopard never changes his spots!
This made me remember something: My ex-husband cheated on me, he was seeing this woman for over a year. I had no clue, he was working different shifts, so he would take on “extra” shifts.
I didn’t catch him, but her husband was suspicious and had Photos to prove it and stopped at my house one night and told me everything.
When I divorced him, his Mom said to me: “The thrill is gone” for him, nobody waiting for him at home anymore, he can do now 24/7 what he wants and it will not be that much fun. They need the security of having somebody in the background.
NML, my question is: Isn’t this the same with Mr. Unavailable? Meaning having the Fallback girl and playing the field? When the Fallback girl is gone, isn’t his security gone too?? My ex EUM (my husband is also one I realize now) was married for over 20 years and I am sure he was cheating on her. She finally divorced him.
Didn’t I, the Fallback girl, take her place as the “security”?
Boy that sounds sick, but I would love to hear your answer on this.
Astelle – I tend to agree with your mom from what I have read. These guys need the “facade” of a relationship so on the outside all looks well. They need someone to come home to so to speak but they get bored with that & when the ego stroking at home stops they look for it elsewhere. It makes sense what your mom said. How do these guys end up married so long? My EUM was married for 16 years. He said he never cheated on his wife but I truly dont know if I believe that based on what happened in ourt rel & the things he told me. He was seeing both me & another girl at the same time all the while telling both of us we were “the one”. Interesting question you had & I think you are right. Since these guys are insecure & dont like to be alone they have to have somone to “fallback” on for their egos. That is why my EUM looked me up long distance. There was no one else & he heard I never got over him. Man it makes me sick to think all of the things he told me but was porb out 24/7 with other women out of state.
NML – you said that EUMs morph to suit their agenda & I so believe that to be true. For the habitual EUM I would think that they could only keep up the “facade” for so long. I mean if they are in a rel that they think they can get something from it such as ego stroking, financial gain, sex, etc. if they are habitual EUMs I would think eventually when things gets “old” they will go back to their usual ways right?
Kim, they stay married until the wife divorces them. Why shoud they divorce?
They got the cook, maid, babysitter built in.
My husband would still be with me if I had not thrown him out.
I am not so sure that they don’t like to be alone, just KNOWING there is somebody in the background can be good enough for them.
Actually, not my Mom said it, my ex husbands Mom did. She knows her son pretty well, huh?
Astelle – man spot on again. It has been 2 years that my EUM is separated & he is just now going thru a divorce. He & his wife dont even live in the same house so he doesnt get any of the benefits. He actually kicked her out but guess who initiated the divorce after 2 years? You got it – she did. WOW your exes mom said that? She obviously knows his pattern. I wish I had such info on my EUM. It sure would be validating to hear it from someone else!
NML – I have another question. What about the guys that have children? Are they EU to them as well? My EUM seems to be more empathetic with his kids. He told me once that if he coud have kids without getting married he would have. Pretty narcissistic comment. He also cried when telling me a story about his fathers death. If they are so disconnected from their feelings how is that possible? Is it that they can have empathy for themselves but not others?
@Astelle Mr Unavailable likes having a woman to fallback on. He likes having a woman on ice and he likes having the best of both worlds because he is uncommitted. One foot in two places.
Mr Unavailable is never alone. Even when it appears that he is single and alone, he’s likely to be getting an ego stroking from somewhere or seeking to line one up.
They don’t initiate divorce because they specialise in inertia. They don’t make decisions or at least ones that involve having to communicate with you.
There are millions of Fallback Girls out there which means there are tons of replacements.
You were a replacement – we’ve all been replacements. It is twisted but that’s the reality.
@kim These guys get married. It means nothing if they cheat or have destructive problems that keep them at a distance. Marriage has nothing to do with emotional status. He may play the game for a while and revert to himself. It can play out in lots of ways. Some men are emotionally distant and frustrating to their wives but they don’t cheat. They’re just withdrawn.
If you”re emotionally unavailable to your children, you teach the same emotional skills or lack of them.
Being eu has nothing to do with crying otherwise fallback girls wouldn’t be considered eu. He’s not crying about someone; he’s crying about him. He is the centre of his universe so any revealing of emotions, positive or negative are tied to him.
He can cry but it is highly likely to be in connection to his own pain. I’ll put it this way – did he do anything positive with his emotions? No
I was involved with a MM for 5 years. We broke off and on during those years. It’s been a rollercoaster ride. This last time he broke it off with me, because I guess I wasn’t fun anymore I was asking for too much. I understand now that I was basically his ego stroke. He wasn’t getting that from anymore so the decided to break it off. The ironic part is that about a year ago he caught his wife cheating on him and that was a big blow to his ego. He never thought she would do anything like that. He couldn’t even see the part he played in it. He became so despondent over it not trusting women, but not thinking about what he was doing. They’re still together as far as I know.
He always seemed to be a good father from what he told me at least. He tends to be a perfectionest. He seems really close to his children. Maybe it’s safer for him.
Very nice article, makes me wonder, am very confused what to do, I have tried to back off and walk away but he always says he wants me in his life in some way, and that it is guilt and his love for her as a “friend” that he is still confused if he should leave her or not.
Right now, I have no expectations and am trying to make myself believe am single and do not try to contact him or have any relationship with him, but its very hard and I suffer from loneliness and depression and feel so bad about myself. I love him a lot and I feel he does too, but I really cannot understand his “confusion”. To make matters worse he is my boss, so I cannot even leave my work and career. But to be fair to him, he is a very good boss and has made sure my career is not affected in any way.
I am not sure what I should do now… I am waiting to get a new job and go away, but somehow I feel it will ruin my career and I dont think I should throw away everything I have just because he is not choosing to have a future with me…
Oh, I recognize this. Especially where you say: “he is investing in his image and his future”.
My EUM was always all over me whenever we´d meet up with his friends and colleagues. He pushed me a lot to attend parties and so forth with him. And he was very much on top of his career and talking about his perfect, imagined future in which I would have the role of showpony and childbearer. No attention was paid to my dreams, my ambitions. Only in as far as they could benefit him, otherwise he would just tune out. It never felt right although I at the time it did flatter me that he pictured me in his future. But only on his terms, his image, his perfect picture… and he too thought if only he was married and have kids he would magically change and be whole.
Thank you for the insights NML!
These articles really help. What happened to me in a nutshell was, I met this guy who seemed to be really into me and really great. We talked online for hours and he decided to leave his girlfriend for me. He moved out of her house a week later. I moved to his country (UK – I’m from Belgium) about 3 months ago now. The first month was brilliant – he worshipped the ground I walked on. Then things started to change. No more ‘I love you’ or ‘baby’. Tried to talk to him about it but he never gave me a straight answer. Finally, 10th of June he tells me he thinks we’re from different worlds and that the differences are too big. Tells me he wants time off. I reason with him and he promises to give us another honest try. He packed up and left a couple of days ago to move back in with his ex. Said he’d only decided to do it the day before. Said he was just going to stay at her place for a while to clear his mind (AS IF). I asked him if they were getting back together and he said ‘maybe, I don’t know what I want’. Feeling all this was rather fishy I got in touch with a mutual friend of ours who told me he’d told her that he had told me he was moving back in with his ex weeks ago but that I’d ignored it. So basically he has been planning this for weeks, they are at an event together now and have made other plans for the future. I can’t even begin to express how hurt I feel that he couldn’t even be honest with me about it. And how his feelings could change so quickly… Of course, there were some red flags – he was very reluctant to tell his friends about me. And none of them knew he was living with me. And now he would of course like to stay friends. I’d call that a nice way of keeping your options open. I’m so frustrated right now. Can’t stand being lied to, and feel like he never even gave our relationship a chance… Any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated.
Had a long distance relationship for two years. She kicked him out and he came up here to live. We moved in. Two months later found a job and two months working at his job found his next victim. Said I did nothing. Yeah damm right I did nothing- treated him like a king. Was his second marriage. Of course they were always bad to him, blah blah blah – his last wife withheld sex blah blah bah – I met him on a singles site – did not know he was married at the time and he was meeting and having sex with other women there. Im a stupid stupid girl to think all he told me was true. I actually found out he was married because his wife called me. His excuse for not telling me ” I thought you would never talk to me again”. Boy did I have my head up my ass. Promised me the world – got here, moved in told me we would be married by the end of the year- I cant honestly tell you if he is even divorced yet but he has now moved to his next victim. We have no contact allthough he still has stuff here but I really dont care if he gets it – important stuff like his Army discharge papers, birth cirtificate, pictures of his parents and kids, watch thats was his fathers. I guess it does not matter.
He just lies. Told me he would help me with the rent every month – my brother recently ran into him, told him he had to send to car payments to his exwife – he never did that the four months he was here. I dont know. I blame myself – I dont myself. Maybe I was too much in love with him – I dont know. Im just trying to find some comfort here.
Thanks guys for listening.
I met my EU cheater about a year ago and he moved in with me about six months later……about a month after, I started receiving private calls from a woman claiming that he was in love with this other woman she knew about, how he didn’t love me and loved this other woman, that I would soon find out about her, etc……I confronted him about it, of course he tells me its probably some ex girlfriend thats upset because he’s committed to me and not her….these calls continued for about 3 months, I would not answer any of them but they would call whenever he would step out of the house, so I figured this woman was stalking us…..I was concerned and he wouldn’t even flinch about it…..he would tell me what can I do about it??? Its some psycho from my past….well we leave out of town for a weekend and as soon as we get on the road, private starts calling and calling his phone, this woman kept calling in desperation I’m serious about 50 times but he just told me oh its psycho I’m not answering…….later that night, my neighbor calls me to tell me there was a woman outside our house, banging on the door….the woman finally leaves, we get back from the trip and I sit down to have a talk about this psycho that will not go away…….all this time he tells me he doesn’t know who it can be, it has to be an ex but he doesn’t know who….well, about 3 weeks ago, we’re home having dinner and his phones starts ringing like crazy again and I manage to see who it is and of course its a woman….I finally got fed up and told him I was thru with him……two days later this poor excuse of a woman calls to my office and tells me, “I told you she’d take him away from you”……I hung up so furious, that I went into his phone bill and found the phone number of the supposed “friend”…..they talked back and forth easy at LEAST twenty times…… I decide to call her to get some answers…..I asked her, I’m assuming your seeing him and she tells me well, I think that something he needs to tell you..so then I tell her well you can have but just stop harassing me….she calls me back and tells me how she had been his girlfriend before me and that he’s still in love with her, but that she doesn’t want him, that he’s the one chasing her, that he doesn’t love me, that he’s only with me because he feels sorry for me…she proceeded to tell me that she didn’t have any reason to be calling me because he was the one that wanted to be with her….she then told me a story of how some other woman had been harrassing her while she was with him and that she was the one harrassing me…..I told all this to my EU cheater and he swore up and down that it was not true….well during all this, he would go to the house to try and talk to me. He wanted to stay and pleaded with me about our relationship…..when he would go to the house, his phone would ring and ring and when he wouldn’t answer she would call my phone in desperation, it was pretty pathetic really….I look outside my window and find her sitting in her car outside my house!!! waiting for him to leave……she was paranoid that we would get back together…I found out that this woman I contacted was indeed the one harrassing me and would pretend she was someone else!!……pretty disturbed individual……and where is he now??? with that woman….I feel sorry for her because she thinks she’s getting what she thinks we had…but all she’s getting is an EU Cheater!……