Understanding the The Cheater
July 22, 2008 by NML
In this excerpt from new eBook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I give an insight into what is running through the mind of The Cheater, the man who likes to have his cake and eat it too, whilst lying on it and promising the world….
The Mr Unavailable that cheats is a special breed. This guy has made it down the aisle or appears to be in some form of committed relationship (or at least his partner thinks so!). But this doesn’t make him any less emotionally unavailable.
The mistake that the Other Woman makes with these men is assuming that because these men appear to be committed to someone else, that these are the type of men that commit, and that they’ll eventually commit to her.
It is possible for Mr Unavailable’s to be in relationships or even married. It doesn’t change who they are, it’s just that for whatever reason they have chosen to take the plunge. It could be through fear, it could be through a desperate urge to keep that one woman who wouldn’t tolerate his behaviour and made him jump through hoops, or he could even have found himself trapped. It could be for any number of reasons but for whatever reason, he hasn’t changed, or if he did, he has now reverted back to his old self. It is not a victory to get an emotionally unavailable man down the aisle. If he’s not married but is cheating, it’s very possible that the woman that he’s in a relationship with is clutching at straws with him too. The reality is that there are a lot of people out there who are prepared to believe that they are in a committed relationship, even when they aren’t. If you’re reading this book, you are one of them!
I’m sure some Mr Unavailable’s make the decision to work at engaging emotionally with their partner. But others expect the fact they’ve moved in or married or had a baby to work some kind of magic, heal their issues, and make them happy. When they still feel distanced, lonely, and miserable, they tend to blame the partner, and behave as when they were single/uncommitted. They may cheat or drink or become workaholics, or simply indulge in cold, distant, punishing behaviour. Maybe some just keep their discontent to themselves and try to behave well — but unfortunately, I haven’t been in a relationship with one like this.
Mediatrix, Mr Unavailable Guide reader comment
The trouble with Mr Unavailable is that he sees himself as Mr Wonderful, and with the The Cheater, he is very good at distancing himself as far as possible from the reality of his behaviour. I’m not claiming that they don’t realise that they are sticking it to someone else, but for most cheaters, it gets rationalised so that they don’t get to feel too bad about themselves. Trust me; if they faced the reality of what they were doing to the person that they’re cheating on, and what they’re doing to the OW, they’d bail out far quicker. It’s the ability to delude themselves and romanticise the situation that keep things ticking over for so long.
The Cheater is a particularly insecure breed of Mr Unavailable because in some respects, he needs the security of what appears to be a proper relationship under his belt so girlfriends and wives are almost like trophies or show ponies.
Men, just like women, are privy to the same pressures from their peers, family, and societal expectations, and they find themselves trying to do, not what they want to do, but what they believe they ought to. So you’ll often find that The Cheater can be a high achiever or certainly aspire to the great things in life and in some jobs, men that appear to have all of their bases covered and are settled can climb the career ladder quicker.
Mr Unavailable’s are incredibly opportunistic, so whether she looks good on his arm and makes others around them believe that he is king of the castle with a perfect life, or he gets the benefits of her money, a pending inheritance, or a promotion at her father’s firm, he is investing in his image and his future. He will play the dutiful boyfriend or husband, but after a while, he needs to distance himself from what appear to be the shackles of his relationship. He needs to blow off steam. He needs to believe that he’s still got the magic. He needs to escape.
Some of the guys find themselves believing that they are trapped and held by their short and curlies. I have had countless emails from Fallback Girls who found themselves pregnant by their Mr Unavailable and sometimes impending fatherhood makes these men believe that they can change and have them aspire to be more than they are. And then…sometimes they’re just scared shitless and attempt to do the right thing. But either way, at some point, he realises that it’s not enough or that the weight of expectations on him is just too much and he starts looking elsewhere and in his mind, casts himself as a victim.
Whatever it is that causes him to find himself as The Cheater, he becomes like a little boy playing truant, believing that he’s getting one over on everyone around him and outwitting them. He thinks he’s really clever, and he actually convinces himself that he behaves as he does because it’s in everyone’s interest to protect them from the truth, but in reality, he’s just excusing himself from the responsibility of his behaviour, much like he’s decided to excuse himself from the responsibility of his relationship.
You may wonder what runs through his mind and whether he intentionally goes out of his way to deceive the women he entangles in his web. I think at the beginning and certainly for the first few months, maybe even a year, he believes what he is saying about wanting to be with you and wanting the time to be right and yada, yada, yada, but to be honest, he is too caught up in the thrill, the excitement, the escapism, and having his ego massaged to actually genuinely concern himself with the finer details.
He’s just reacting to his urges and his instincts and unless he’s a total bastard, sometimes he feels genuinely conflicted about what he’s doing.
He’s like a scared little boy and he doesn’t know how to make a decision because he is afraid of betting at the wrong table and he would rather have both than have just one that he’s not sure of. He likes cheating or should I say, he likes the results of it, and as the OW, you fit in really well with his life because you quickly adopt his schedule making things oh so easy for him. He’s getting what he wants from both of you.
Do not make the mistake of thinking that one of you is giving him what he really needs. Don’t get it twisted! No matter what crap he tells you about his problems at home and how he didn’t see himself doing it, that situation at home works for him. You have no idea what his true experience is and at the end of the day, whether he’s got a girlfriend, living together, married, kids, waiting for them to go to college, waiting for a kid to go to school, waiting for her to get over depression, waiting for her inheritance to come through, it.works.for.him. No matter what he says, it is an excuse to continue the charade because the reality is that there are men who cheat and there are men who meet you when they have someone else, but the conscience and their morals won’t allow them to mess either one of you around, and they sort out their lives and take a chance on being with you.
The Cheater cheats everyone around him and OWs tend to focus on him deceiving others to be with her but they don’t spend enough time considering that he has to deceive them too in order to deal with their other life.
They learn very quickly to leave out important parts of their lives because they don’t want to set you off on a ‘When are you leaving her? Tangent’. There is no escaping their deception and what you have to accept, is that they deceive everyone including themselves so very little truth comes out of their mouths or actions. They mean what they say as much as you can mean anything when you have a total disconnection from who you are.
When people say that he won’t leave his wife/girlfriend they are normally right. Obviously you have to be skilful enough to weed out the plain ‘ole haters, but if everyone from the cat to his great, great Aunty Betty says that he won’t leave, I’d listen to the evidence. I know there is no legislating for love but when everyone knows that you’re the other woman and they see the real him; you’d be surprised at the truth of their words. “He won’t leave him” should translate to “Abort mission. Take a parachute and jump!”
This excerpt is taken from the chapter The Other Woman from my new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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“He thinks he is really clever”. That is so aggrivating & makes me so mad I didnt blow the whole lid off things when I realized what my eum was doing! I was so reeling from the pain I couldnt see straight. I would have felt so much better telling him what I thought of him & telling his new “significant other” that he was actually sleeping with both of us. When a man tells you he is in it for the “long haul” , tells you he loves you & talks of a future that to me means exclusivity. I found out he was actually seeing us both & when he thought he was caught actually had the nerve to say “I have nothing to hide, it’s nothing I have done wrong, not a secret.” Talk about the “justifying zone”. I’m sure he considered it “dating”. Im sure his new girlfriend would have taken the news differently. I know I did.
Really brilliant article. Certainly got me thinking as I still cant help but think “why on earth did I ever get involved with a married man, what was HE thinking, what was I thinking!!!” Personally, I also think that part of the “rush” for him was being taken back time and time again by his wife - I think that also was a huge challenge to him ie to see how she “needed” him and “loved” him so much that she would take him back. I feel sorry for her - I got to know a hell of a lot about him (he used to boast about all his conquests) stuff he said his wife never knew! Yeah, the Serial Cheater is certainly a “different beast” and a leopard never changes his spots!
This made me remember something: My ex-husband cheated on me, he was seeing this woman for over a year. I had no clue, he was working different shifts, so he would take on “extra” shifts.
I didn’t catch him, but her husband was suspicious and had Photos to prove it and stopped at my house one night and told me everything.
When I divorced him, his Mom said to me: “The thrill is gone” for him, nobody waiting for him at home anymore, he can do now 24/7 what he wants and it will not be that much fun. They need the security of having somebody in the background.
NML, my question is: Isn’t this the same with Mr. Unavailable? Meaning having the Fallback girl and playing the field? When the Fallback girl is gone, isn’t his security gone too?? My ex EUM (my husband is also one I realize now) was married for over 20 years and I am sure he was cheating on her. She finally divorced him.
Didn’t I, the Fallback girl, take her place as the “security”?
Boy that sounds sick, but I would love to hear your answer on this.
Astelle - I tend to agree with your mom from what I have read. These guys need the “facade” of a relationship so on the outside all looks well. They need someone to come home to so to speak but they get bored with that & when the ego stroking at home stops they look for it elsewhere. It makes sense what your mom said. How do these guys end up married so long? My EUM was married for 16 years. He said he never cheated on his wife but I truly dont know if I believe that based on what happened in ourt rel & the things he told me. He was seeing both me & another girl at the same time all the while telling both of us we were “the one”. Interesting question you had & I think you are right. Since these guys are insecure & dont like to be alone they have to have somone to “fallback” on for their egos. That is why my EUM looked me up long distance. There was no one else & he heard I never got over him. Man it makes me sick to think all of the things he told me but was porb out 24/7 with other women out of state.
NML - you said that EUMs morph to suit their agenda & I so believe that to be true. For the habitual EUM I would think that they could only keep up the “facade” for so long. I mean if they are in a rel that they think they can get something from it such as ego stroking, financial gain, sex, etc. if they are habitual EUMs I would think eventually when things gets “old” they will go back to their usual ways right?
Kim, they stay married until the wife divorces them. Why shoud they divorce?
They got the cook, maid, babysitter built in.
My husband would still be with me if I had not thrown him out.
I am not so sure that they don’t like to be alone, just KNOWING there is somebody in the background can be good enough for them.
Actually, not my Mom said it, my ex husbands Mom did. She knows her son pretty well, huh?
Astelle - man spot on again. It has been 2 years that my EUM is separated & he is just now going thru a divorce. He & his wife dont even live in the same house so he doesnt get any of the benefits. He actually kicked her out but guess who initiated the divorce after 2 years? You got it - she did. WOW your exes mom said that? She obviously knows his pattern. I wish I had such info on my EUM. It sure would be validating to hear it from someone else!
NML - I have another question. What about the guys that have children? Are they EU to them as well? My EUM seems to be more empathetic with his kids. He told me once that if he coud have kids without getting married he would have. Pretty narcissistic comment. He also cried when telling me a story about his fathers death. If they are so disconnected from their feelings how is that possible? Is it that they can have empathy for themselves but not others?
@Astelle Mr Unavailable likes having a woman to fallback on. He likes having a woman on ice and he likes having the best of both worlds because he is uncommitted. One foot in two places.
Mr Unavailable is never alone. Even when it appears that he is single and alone, he’s likely to be getting an ego stroking from somewhere or seeking to line one up.
They don’t initiate divorce because they specialise in inertia. They don’t make decisions or at least ones that involve having to communicate with you.
There are millions of Fallback Girls out there which means there are tons of replacements.
You were a replacement - we’ve all been replacements. It is twisted but that’s the reality.
@kim These guys get married. It means nothing if they cheat or have destructive problems that keep them at a distance. Marriage has nothing to do with emotional status. He may play the game for a while and revert to himself. It can play out in lots of ways. Some men are emotionally distant and frustrating to their wives but they don’t cheat. They’re just withdrawn.
If you”re emotionally unavailable to your children, you teach the same emotional skills or lack of them.
Being eu has nothing to do with crying otherwise fallback girls wouldn’t be considered eu. He’s not crying about someone; he’s crying about him. He is the centre of his universe so any revealing of emotions, positive or negative are tied to him.
He can cry but it is highly likely to be in connection to his own pain. I’ll put it this way - did he do anything positive with his emotions? No