Five years ago, a reader got in touch after her Returning Childhood ‘Sweetheart’ breezed back into her life after nearly 20 years, Future Faked and Fast Forwarded her off her feet, gradually started to blow lukewarm, then cold, and then unceremoniously dumped her for a woman closer to home because he couldn’t handle the long distance…even though she was moving there. Devastated, as she thought this was her second chance after nearly a decade long dating hiatus, she couldn’t comprehend how he could bust her heart into a million pieces all over again. Yet would you believe it, just like Mike Myers in Halloween, this man is back for a third attempt.
Now at this point, there are two paths to choose between: the path of least resistance, or change? So what do you think happened next?
She went down the path of least resistance, re-engaged, and started contemplating a third future with him. He admitted that he has issues (no sh*t Sherlock) but then made no indication of whether he is dealing with them and in fact seems resigned to them. When he got in touch the second time, it was after his divorce and this time, he’s got in touch after his relationship with the woman he left he for has ended. Flattering, not. He doesn’t really have anything to offer, he hasn’t dealt with the issues that broke their relationship, he doesn’t like to be alone, and he’s basically looking for a quick fix from the woman he can always rely on to get a good reception.
I was horrified that she would actually even contemplate putting her hand back in the fire again, not least because this man has had her heart and her hurt for all of her adult life. Where does this end? She’s not alone – I heard from a reader who has been doing this for fifty years.
As I was shoving stuff into the washing machine, I thought of this woman’s mother who passed away recently and made her promise that she’d go and live her life. I then thought of some of the very heart-wrenching comments and emails that I read from so many others in the same situation and then it came to me:
When your ex who broke your heart for whatever reason, comes back into your life, it’s an opportunity, just not for what you think.
As I said to her “He could equally be back to give you an opportunity to make things right with you and knock this whole palaver squarely on the head. It’s a test of your resolve, your emotional backbone, and an opportunity for you to gain closure, not so much on him (although this will be gained), but also on the things that have rumbled around in your head all of these years. You have an opportunity to grab your regrets and knock the wind out of their sails.” This could be you.
Life keeps throwing you the same lessons until you heed them – what are you supposed to be learning here? What have you learned that you need to apply to this situation?
Just because they’re back, it doesn’t mean that you’re supposed to get back together – it’s an opportunity to close the door, firmly. It’s an opportunity to apply the insights you’ve gained since your last go round into affirmative, empowering action.
You can never have too much regrets when you’re willing to listen to yourself and the feedback from your life and grow as an individual – regret kicks in when time passes and you find yourself in the same situation and you realise that your mentality and what you’re doing hasn’t changed.
If you’ve blamed yourself during an ex’s absence and in spite of their actions, denied, rationalised, minimised, and excused very obvious indications of why you’re not supposed to be together, you are highly likely to miss out on this valuable opportunity because you’re too busy trying to be the exception to the rule and have your fantasy ‘ending’.
I recently heard from a Mr Unavailable, who was gutted after making a bid for his second go round nearly forty years after cheating on his ex and finding himself blocked and with a warning from the po-po not to get in touch again. He couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just inject himself into her life and have an attempt to redeem himself. He had his chance, it’s over, and it’s just not flattering to think that someone has nothing better to do with their time whether it’s been months or years, to do nothing but hope you might show up one day with a text, email, or even friend request on Facebook!
When you feel helpless to life, it’s easy to think that another entity with their own agenda that keeps showing up because they have the tenacity of a cockroach after a nuclear bomb, is where you’re destined and that it’s a sign of their love.
What it is a sign of, is that when they go through their mental Roladex of who is most likely to still hold them in high regard because they’re living in the past, they think of you. They tend to get in touch after they’ve hurt someone else, so that you can pump them up and give them a clean bill of health, like “Look, I’m not that bad! My ex who I’ve effed over a few times will still give me the time of day!” Then they launch themselves into their next relationship.
You have an opportunity. Use it well. You can draw a line under this and handle them with the high esteem you only wish you could have had the last time, or you can go for a repeat. You can give them all the power for how your life will be, or you can grab it back. Remember that nobody can breeze up in your life time and again and wreak havoc in it without your consent. They will stop contacting when you stop engaging because you’re no longer granting them access.
When life throws you lemon exes, make lemonade and squeeze them out of your life.
Oh and you’ll be pleased to know that the reader has flushed.
Your thoughts?
Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1084 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
• 
• 
• 
• 
Related Posts
215 Responses to When Your Ex Returns AGAIN, It’s An Opportunity To Do Right By You
Get Notified When There’s A New Post
Natalie’s Books
I'm also on Google+.
Well ofcourse all of this makes a lot of sense when you just wana get rid of that one disturbing guy . But I have failed in and out ,I am just 19 and i feel oh so more pathetic .He just talks to me when he is free ,free from his normal schedules and backs off when he wants like probably not commnicating 2 weeksor more just because he may have his exams or something like that. He is unbelievably rude to death.I cry over it many a times and feel sorry for myself .please just help me . I dont know what to do , I feel I need to act mature but just caught up in hell lot of unwanted thoughts .
Hi Sherina,
You are just going to have to ride out the pain. The more you try and avoid it by hanging around waiting for crumbs the more damaging it is to your self esteem and the longer it is likely to take to recover. Don’t wait around for an upgrade that never comes. Decide today that you will have no more contact with him and start looking after yourself. It hurts, it always does but so many women on here have been where you are and are sooo much stronger and happier now.
The thoughts are all part of the process. Part of the grieving for a relationship you hoped for. You need to go through this to get to acceptance eventually. You WILL be ok! You’ve got a great opportunity to learn from this early in your life and have much much happier relationships in the future. I’m sure alot of us wished we could have learned these lessons at 19 x
Sherina
You need to get to the bottom of what it is about you that makes you think his crappy, using, flip-flapping, behaviour is good enough for you, ’cause I’ve got good news for you: It is not good enough. End of.
It is that simple. If you want it to be.
You are not a doormat. He’s not that special and you’re not that desperate. Nuke the flip-flapper. There’s a big world out there. Choose another path. Hold your head up, know what you’re worth. You’re worth way more than this guy’s crumbs. Believe it. You can choose you or you can choose more of the same with this guy whose behaviour will only continue to chip away at your self-esteem. Choose you. Do it now.
Fearless,
Very well said.
I do feel desperate though and I’m failing at 42…. . The ex and I still spoke every month or so and he came back last year saying that he had ‘ a new appreciation of me’ etc and wanted to talk about getting back together. He was ‘feeling very positive’ and we had a long discussion over several weeks and talked about what went wrong and what we really wanted going forward. I was very honest and upfront and told him about someone that I dated for a few weeks prior to him calling me. It seemed like we wanted the same things but he walked away ‘feeling negative’.
We talked over the next few weeks and he said that wanted to talk it all though first before getting into a physical relationship again. But then he flip flapped for 3 months and walked away. I blamed myself for being slightly hesitant at first, mentioning the short relationship and then pushing him for an answer – but then went NC for about 3 months when he said that he didn’t want to be a couple.
We are now speaking a lot again- he found out that I was in hospital at the beginning of the year via a mutual friend and rushed to the hospital. He then called everyday to see how I was for weeks and now that I am virtually recovered, he calls a couple of times a week. He took me out to dinner last week to celebrate getting better. I don’t call him , he makes all the effort but I am enabling this. Neither of us are dating anybody and it’s like an addiction. I would like to get back together, I always have wanted to …. I need to nuke the flip flapper….
Mmmm… Lou, it doesn’t sound good, I’m afraid. Having a man in your life who just ‘can’t make up his mind about you’ is soul destroying. I had one of those for years. Thanks to BR I finally got that I had to make up my own mind about him and kick the flip-flapping soul destroyer out of my life. Go let him feel all riddled with indecisiveness some where else.
btw, this ambivalence that they are ‘working their way through’ is not a temporary thing (though that would be bad enough); it’s who and what they are – it’s part of their make-up – it’s not going away. Ever.
Lou
My situation is not completely analagous to yours but I see some similarities we could both learn from.
The crush treats me well. He’s taken on himself the responsibility of making sure that I get home okay from social functions. He’s offered to buy me food (to which I laughingly replied “I can afford to buy my own groceries”) because I’m getting skinny. When I was going through a depressive episode he could see I wasn’t feeling right and was concerned. BUT THE TOPLINE is that he isn’t asking me out. I’m rolling back my emotional investment and feel better for it.
In your case, yes, your ex is doing nice things for you BUT THE TOPLINE is that he has told you and shown you he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
fearless is right – the ambivalence runs very deep. I DO think it can be overcome, though, as I am overcoming it myself. But, But, But, I’m not overcoming it via the process of jerking someone around. It’s been though counselling, six years of celibacy, a lot of tears, and divine intervention. It’s been worth it but it’s been painful and very hard work. Your ex has no need to overcome his ambivalence – you’re still there.
If you left him to it, he may or may not overcome it. I suspect he won’t for a very long time, if ever. But it won’t be your problem anymore! Yay!
PS He may not be shagging you or dating other people but it’s not enough is it? It’s a sorry state of affairs if that’s all we’ve got.
My choleric father gave me ample opportunity to develop a very strong Pride Line guiding my life. Any inappropriate behaviour like one yell or one slap and out I was. No doubt, this spared me a lot of grieve, but I stayed unhappy in relationships which led me to rethink my Pride Line and some values being obviously too harsh and lowered them. Bad idea. Wrong conclusion. Results even worse. Second chance? Bottomline: It’s not worth it. Not ever when dealing with an AC.
A man asking for a second chance in most cases I would rather suspect him wanting an opportunity to end something on HIS TERMS again: the chance to get revenge, to show who’s boss, to get his ego straightened.
BR has brought me back to my former Pride Line reaffirming that I was on the right path but without understanding the gory details. I had to learn a few lessons, so I couldn’t really prevent some of the wrong guys. Looking back I mistook a lot of behaviours and funnily it reminds me of these dog training shows where a “dog whisperer” sheds light to the surprised owners. Firstly they all enabled bad doggy behaviour and gave lots of pads/food for a steep learning curve. I also thought “WHAT A WELCOME!” when a dog jumped with a licking attack all over his owners face raising my eyebrows to hear that all this allegedly “cute and affectionate” behavior actually is a show of disrespect, domineering and showing who’s boss even done by the tiniest of species.
Well, my point is not along the lines of hinting dog/man training, my point is this baffling realization of totally mistaking behaviours. I felt miffed when I closed the door and the man didn’t try to come back. Confusion. I saw it happening around me mistaking it for shows of “undying love” and “them seeing the light finally” and felt left out of the fun. Something wrong with me? Now I see, that often enough I got my message through. – There are extreme cases where a father who sexually abused one off his daughters caused jealousy among the others. Why THAT daughter and not the others? (Well, those wouldn’t have shut theirs mouths about it, for example) Quite a phenomenon. I am so glad to have the pieces fall into their right places eventually and getting out of that twisted perception.
I have found BR after a horrific split from an Future Faking/Fast Forwarding ex for the FOURTH time over twenty years. Its been awful, but there will never be a fifth time. I’ve been really working on changing my life in so many ways, and hugely helped along the way by Natalie and this site. It hasn’t been plain sailing but I’m really out the other side, and I don’t intend to ever see him again. If he ever came sniffing round, even if it was under a friendship guise, there’d be just the loud sound of flushing. Thank you Natalie.
Relationshit? AC repellant? Yr crackin me up wimmins! lol
@ Stuck in Fantasy
When I described my xAC’s behaviour to a friend, when I said I felt like I’d ‘dodged a bullet’ by getting rid of him, I was told I’d dodged a CANNONBALL!! I pee’d myself laughing & later relayed the comment to my therapist who agreed wholeheartedly. My point? You too, have dodged a CANNONBALL!!! Also, don’t be too hard on yourself for having chased him to the degree you did, as there are hooks he laid out to trigger that response in you & falling for them can happen to anyone. The important thing is recognising our own behavioural patterns & being committed to healing our wounds. I’m right alongside you with this & promise you – things DO get better (eventually). No more cannonballs huh? They really ARE bad for you. Shocking indigestion! x
My ex EUM has shown up for the FOURTH time, still playing the same old tune! I had a ‘what the hell wad i thinking!’ moment that made me laugh! I never thought i would get over that idiot, but it’s now two years on and i have just returned from six months of backpacking. The boyfriend and i are still going strong, thanks to skype and webcam. We spoke or emailed every day i was away and he even came out and visited me for a month. As soon as the EU realised i was still taken (nearly a yr and a half with my groovy guy) he slunk back under his rock.
I have a feeling this isnt the last i’ve heard from him, but i know he no longer has a place in my life. Thanks so much, Nat. My life would not be what it is without this site. Many congrats on your upcoming wedding!
Glad to see you back here! Hope your trip was fantastic.
Fitting song by Eric Clapton Old Love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loEW6Tod8Xc
Hey there, well new to the site and of course glad to have found it.
Mine was never a dating relationship but a friendship that grew to both sides having feelings and 12 years later, able to finally admit it was an emotional affair. I mean we both eventually married, supported and were friends through eachothers relationships, but our closeness never faded but only intensified.
Of course this has caused confusion. Heartache when the hot and cold comes about, questions I ask myself are why do I care. I am fulfilled at home and happily married and this person and I never even tried to date or have any sort of physical contact. so why is it so much a part of my thoughts or feelings? He says I love you alll the time and so on and so forth but I am just confused and everytime I walk away he never lets me. I did no contact for 2 weeks then saw him randomly at a baseball game and he talked to me for a good while, tearing up over losing our friendship, the works. Ugh! Is there any one on one help on the site or the just the comment section? Cause 12 years is a long time to try and let go of, I just keep floating in and out of strength and the truth is, he isnt sooo bad. Amnesia? Maybe.
c
If you call it an affair, it’s time to let it go and nuke it.
Many, many women, including myself, have put a lot of value on the fact that these relationships/emotional affairs/dalliances/ affairs/ friendships have lasted for years, even over a decade.
But, really, it just shows that the thing is frozen and not alive. It’s not moving forward to something satisfactory, it’s not rolling back to accommodate changes in circumstances (even as significant as marriage), the two of you are just maintaining an ambiguous holding position. And that, as we know, is the hallmark of EU.
You’re not committed, you’re not uncommitted, you’re not friends, you’re not not friends, you’re not in relationship, you’re not not in a relationship. That’s fine if you’ve only known each other for a few weeks, or a few months and are feeling each other out but 12 years?! Something’s not right. That’s all a bit philosophical and airy-fairy so here’s a question:
Would you like it if another woman told your husband all the time that she loves him?
Grace:
“The two of you are just maintaining an ambiguous holding position. And that, as we know, is the hallmark of EU.
You’re not committed, you’re not uncommitted, you’re not friends, you’re not not friends, you’re not in relationship, you’re not not in a relationship.”
!! OMG. I know your comment is about someone else, but you have described perfectly my relationshit with the ex EUM, which dragged on in same ambiguous limbo land that for a decade. Sometimes your posts send a shiver up my spine Grace. If there was no other reason to read BR (thankfully there are many), you alone would be enough. When I found BR and told him I did not want to be in this destructive faux relationship anymore all he had to say to me (by email, of course) was “I will never not love you”. (work that one out if you can!). Classic.
C,
Do you have any idea how convenient this set up is for him? You are happily married, so you won’t want anything concrete from him, yet emotionally open enough to have the feeling of a little fling on the side. He gets to have his cake and eat it too, all in perfect safety!
Thing is, he’s having that cake at your expense. At the expense of your confusion and heartache and mental space. And he’ll continue doing that in perfect comfort – after all, he’s not actually *doing* anything, right? He’s innocent! – as long as you’ll let him.
It’s your call how you want this friendship to be defined. Like this…or like an actual friendship? An actual friendship being a relationship where the other party cares about you enough to not make feel this way.
They tend to get in touch after they’ve hurt someone else, so that you can pump them up and give them a clean bill of health, like “Look, I’m not that bad! My ex who I’ve effed over a few times will still give me the time of day!” Then they launch themselves into their next relationship.
This statement is so true.
He always came back after he was dumped or he had dumped someone, but I made it easy for him always hovering in the background so he knew I was there and not much effort would be required to suck me back in until the next relationship came along for him.
I realise part of the problem was/is I don’t know what I want in terms of a relationship so it is easy to be lazy and fall for anything that comes along and think yes I’ll be lazy for a while and slot in here what could go wrong I wont get hurt. Famous last words.
For now I’m staying away from dating until I know what I want and can stick to it.
Wow…feel like I’ve just read my own life story. My ex comes back every time he needs an ego stroke. This has been going on for 2 years, now I have become his agony aunt listening about how much he loves the current ex and wants a commited relationship with her (whilst having the benefits of a ‘fake’ relationship with me). This is all okay just as long as I am in control of my feelings and don’t see him too often too fall back in love with him…
I often wonder if my ex will ever pull this on me. Considering he dumped me out of the blue and left everything completely unresolved. Then turned everyone against me and called me a nutjob for wanting answers as to why I was being dumped for no reason.
Grace. I have always thought, in the short time that I’ve been reading,and once in a while posting on BR , that you make some of the smartest , share the most insightful comments and offer some of the best advice of all. This last entry of yours is right on. I admire your wisdom and bountiful common sense. You are a most valuable poster on this blog. I hope your biggest dreams are realized soon.
Aw, thanks tinkerbell.
Credit to Nat and all the commentators, it’s really helped me to find clarity.
Getting rid of all the returning exes has been so beneficial to me. Even though they weren’t taking up much time and effort, they were still holding me back. And maybe I was holding them back too. There’s nothing wrong with moving on.
New to the site as well, but I cannot help but second this!
I discovered this blog today. I cant describe how it has resonated with me.
I have just broken up (two days ago) with a man who I went out with for over a year. Having read through some posts, I can see that he was a classic “fast forwarder” even following me from Australia to NYC on a holiday I had when we had been dating for a few months. He professed his love, said how right I was, and was willing to do anything for me. And how things changed.
I came on this site because I took the day off work, and was doing some unproductive googling… which became productive.
I knew when I broke up with my bf two days ago that it wasn’t right, but what being on here has made me realise is that the only reason I got sucked into his fast forwarding, was because when I met him, I had recently broken up from a long relationship (4.5 years) with a guy who most perfectly fits the EUM bill to the tee.
And, this post resonates, because my ex EUM has sniffed that my relationship that has just ended was not going so well, and he has been circling. And this site is giving me the strength to NOT GO BACK THERE.
If I did go back, it would be FOR THE THIRD TIME! and that would be RIDICULOUS! and if I was giving advice to a friend I would tell her she was being ridiculous, and why would this time be any different to any other?
I am going to focus on working out what I really care about, and also on being better equipped to spot the red flags, so I don’t get caught up in any fast forwarding that is bound to fail in future.
As my friend said to me today, i deserve a “big love” and that’s what I hope I’ll get. And I will keep reading this site so that I do not go back to my EUM, just to be chewed up and spat out again. I could deal with it before because I was young, but now I want the real deal. Trust, respect, growth and all.
Ugh. I did this, somewhat naively, with The Snake. I’m sure that I mentioned this in a past post. After not speaking for 3 or so years, I had a dream about The Snake out of nowhere and figured that it was “destiny” that I had the dream. (I don’t even remember what the hell the dream was about.) The Snake had also asked about me a few times, probably on purpose because he knew that at least 1 person would come back & tell me. So add my dream to his calculated inquiries and BAM! Another try at the… well, I don’t know WTF to call it because it wasn’t even a pseudo-relationship… so, another try at the whatever-the-hell-it-was even though he was still with the girlfriend of 11 years.
NEVER again. Lesson learned.
And what a “coincidence” that he asked about me recently via a friend, stating that he’s “still in love” with me… even though he’s marrying someone else this year. “In love”? That isn’t what I’d call that bullshit. Thank goodness for age & wisdom because just like the reader that this post is about, I immediately flushed.
Ladies & gentlemen, don’t bother with the path of least resistance. In reality, that road is MUCH rougher than the road to change.
P.S. That Mr. Unavailable who contacted you (Natalie) had to be told by the POLICE to cut it out? Seriously, WTF? What a disrespectful, inconsiderate, self-entitled, narcissistc piece-of-shit ass-wipe dirtbag.
Last night I gave him the boot. It was the third time back and I wasn’t looking forward to the runner. Waiting for the calls or texts. I don’t want to leave the door open for him to walk back in a couple days, months later. It was hard to let him leave the house. I just wanted to throw myself in front of him and say please please I can be what you want. I can’t though because he doesn’t even know what he wants. I am taking a page of Tulip book and just being alone until I know I am strong enough to cut the BS on the first time rather than the 3rd time. One day at a time.
Yes sweet heart…just one day at a time is all you can do in addition to praying for strength…I tell you, playing around with someones emotions and hurting them should be a federal crime.
This literally just happened to me. I was the OW to a guy with a gf for a couple months (I was so blinded by so many things and if it weren’t for having extreme low self esteem I would never agree to such a thing!!) and then they broke up but we were still ambiguous and I kind of figured it wouldn’t lead to anything. After a lot of soul searching I am seeing him in a different light but every once in a while he will still send me emails or something. I am pretty sure him and the ‘ex’ are back together and he didn’t even bother telling me or anything. This weekend he wrote me an email asking how I was. He can take that email and shove it somewhere! I just don’t understand why he feels the need to send me emails asking three little words once in a while- go be with your gf a-hole!! Now I don’t know if I should even reply or just let it be!
Katie,
You should not respond and you need to block this guy!
Ask yourself what you would get by responding? What are you looking for?
On one hand I want to be nice and reply with just something, on the other hand I want to be mean and let him know what I think because I never ever have told him off once, I was just this submissive woman to his stupid ‘love’! BUT I realize that either way it doesn’t change anything and it will only make it worse… so I’m trying very hard just to bite my tongue!!!
I totally understand both impulses – in fact I’ve blown several fuses in my brain trying to work out how to be nice whilst at the SAME TIME as telling him off.
Do you know, though, all the blood, sweat and tears that went into the emails, as humourous and insightful and well-worded (and well-practised!) the speeches were, I just regret it now. Because, whatever I did, he DIDN’T CARE and I couldn’t make him.
I know it’s horrible, but if he cared about you he’d be with you now. Or failing that, he’d be leaving you alone. He wouldn’t be treating you as though you’re not good enough to be with and not good enough to move on and find someone else. He doesn’t care about you, and he doesn’t care what you say, other than to have his pathetic little ego stroked after his gf’s made him do the washing-up.
Try to think about this from a future perspective – one day you’ll look back and see it as a momentous waste of your time and effort (you will, by the way… if I can then anyone can). The only thing that you’ll not regret is saying nothing. That’ll make your point to him better than ANYTHING you can say and it’ll have the added bonus of helping you to set yourself that little bit freer.
“I know it’s horrible, but if he cared about you he’d be with you now. Or failing that, he’d be leaving you alone. He wouldn’t be treating you as though you’re not good enough to be with and not good enough to move on and find someone else. He doesn’t care about you, and he doesn’t care what you say, other than to have his pathetic little ego stroked…”
Exactly!
“I totally understand both impulses – in fact I’ve blown several fuses in my brain trying to work out how to be nice whilst at the SAME TIME as telling him off.”
–> OH MAN I have done the same exact thing more times than I can remember!!!!
I get so infuriated with him for this entire “THING”, and with myself for not ever giving him a piece of my mind, and again with myself for not leaving the situation at the time it was all happening and later hanging onto ‘crumbs of attention’ like this while having self esteem in the dumpster!
I agree! Nothing is worse than being ignored!!!!! The message will be loud and clear!
IGNORE!!!!!!!
In the same situation I told the guy that he had his shot and I was underwhelmed. He never bothered me since.
Silence is golden. Silence speaks volumes. Shout without saying a word. Katie, not so long ago I’d be doing backflips if my a/c would TEXT’! ‘ TEXT mind you!! those 3 pathetic, lazy, no effort words: ‘how are you?” Then finally, I said ‘wtf??! That’s not even a sentence! That’s not even worth replying too” and I never did. ok, there was the one time I texted back ‘I’ll call you’ and never did, just so he could know what that felt like. How am I? Much, much better without you, thanks for asking.
Great post! I stupidly used to think if a man comes back in to your life after months and even years of no communication that you must be this “goddess” and are totally irresistible…lmao what a joke! Lots of women think this too.
I now realise it is actually an insult, and these assclowns are probably looking in their contacts thinking “which mug can I call/text/email/facebook today so I can get an ego stroke/shag/prop up”… No more flush!
I have always said my life is NOT a revolving door for ex’s. Once the relationship has ended that’s it. There is no need to be friends, to keep in contact, to meet up every now and then. Chances are if they didn’t make a good partner, they aren’t going to make a good friend, associate or anything else for that matter. If you and your ex don’t have kids or business deals that link you together, just cut all ties, all contact and move on. I know it’s not easy for most, but it can be done. Just pray and ask God to give you the strength to leave and never go back to such a situation.
Annelli. Love your post and you are absolutley spot on … Cut all ties , all contact & move on….Kick them to the curb & never look back… Yes, it is very, very hard to walk away but it is possible …I am living proof of that… I have prayed everyday for strength, wisdom, patience hope & love for myself…
I am still struggling with this after two years of off again on again with a much younger man. I can’t let go of him for so many reasons, he’s young, funny, we have great sex, but he keeps coming up short in my expectations and I know that’s my fault not his but I can’t keep myself from contantly trying again and again with him to see if it will be different this time. It’s different for a while and then back to the same old. I’m 53 and can’t imagine that I’ll ever have this kind of sex again and have never felt loved ever in my life and so when we fight or i tell him to eff off for the umpteenth time, it feels like my life is over. I’ve been let go from my job and today I just laid in bed in cried, after a good day yesterday. The difference? He called me last night. What other proof do I need that he upsets me unhealthily? Anyway, I know I’m rambling and not making sense. Thanks for all being here.
Low-La
I’ve not had sex in six years and while I’m not advocating it for everyone I am happier now than when I WAS having sex – on and off with a younger man. You don’t get over them by continuing to see them, you get over them by stopping. The number it does on your self-esteem isn’t worth the sex and, with hindsight, the sex wasn’t even that great. I just liked “winning” (even though I was losing).
Sorry to hear about the job though.
Maybe this difficulty is the start of better things.
PS Last week I went to a dinner where – gasp – there were more men than women and it was kinda sexy even though it was all innocent. There’s something to be said for just enjoying male company. It gives me a feel of what men are like, which I don’t think I knew before when I was actually shagging them.
Cut the guy loose, there’ s still a lot of fun to be had out there.
Thanks so much for the reply. I’m dealing with still unresolved childhood issues and the loss of any kind of love, in whatever form, is devastating to me. Thanks again. Just getting a reply and knowing that someone thought about me for the time it took to write it has made me cry again. i have a lot of work to do.
Hi Low-la
Welcome. It is called abandonment, abandonment grief. I am working through it too and trust me, you are going to feel like you were re-born as the layers and cobwebs get pulled back. My thoughts are with you.
Hi Low-La!
We should play with those AC, not the other way around!
I just wanted to let you know I understand you completely! I’m a bit younger, but have a similar story after me… 2 years, younger man, crazy sexual attraction, fellings of getting older, the thrill that he’s giving me, believing he can change because he’s still young, having his youth as an apology for his bad behaviour, even having verbal fights between us as a proof of our “relationship” getting deeper… it’s all rubbish! Deep down I know it’s not his youth, it’s his personality that is bothering me, and that will never change. And I can’t make him have feelings for me that I deserve, no matter how hard I try, because he only cares about himself. I guess we sometimes choose people that hurt us because we want to be hurt, we want to suffer to be able to pity ourselves, maybe because no one else does – tell us how sorry he/she feels for what happened to us… self pity is somewhat a comfortable feeling… C’mon Low-La, we’re intelligent good looking women. If you could turn his head you can turn lots more. 50 is the new 40
Stereotype,
your comment about self-pity is probably the most accurate way to hit the nail on the head here. It might help us to see that if we NEED to feel self-pity, we’d better look at that need, why it’s there, what does it require to make it better. Maybe it’s simply that when we needed to be comforted, we didn’t get that from anyone. It’s not that we want to be hurt, it’s that we have been hurt and are looking for acknowledgment of that all our lives. If there’s a real need for pity, we’d do well to give that pity to ourselves, finally, and lose the need for hurtful men in our lives. Thanks for pointing this out !
Hey Low-La,
I’m sorry to hear about the job situation. That must be devastating. My thoughts are with you. I’m 53 too and I know what it’s like to have great sex with a guy who is unavailable. I kept trying and trying, returning to the scene of the crime hoping that each time would yield the magical results. Every time he contacted me after several feeble attempts at NC or when he responded when I broke down and contacted him, I’d think yippee. This is it. He finally realizes how great we are. Nope. It really isn’t flattering when they get back in touch. He knew I’d take the path of least resistance. Natalie is so spot on: “…regret kicks in when time passes and you find yourself in the same situation and you realise that your mentality and what you’re doing hasn’t changed.” I finally had to break down and choose the path of change. Otherwise I’d be 63 still waiting for the exMM to choose me instead of shag me. Choose you Low-La. When I was not selected for a “promotion”, it prolonged the situation with the exMM because I needed some support. Let’s not be in the same situation with an available when we are 63…deal?
Opps I meant, let’s not be in the same situation with an “UN”available. Let’s be with someone who is available! We got some time.
The timing of getting the email update of this post is almost comical, because my most recent ex tried to friend request me on a social networking site the very same day. After over two months of no contact it was actually insulting. The old me probably would have been like “Ohh joy! He misses me! He must want me back!” even if that was only in the context of some twisted validation for myself. That would be quite the exaggeration of a click on a button that says “Add Friend” out in cyberspace. Gee, they should give out medals for that type of effort lol
Instead, it led to another journaling session. Initially, just to vent my anger of him requesting me to begin with, but then to some other realizations.
1) Should I really be that surprised or stew in anger over this person? It’s true that I communicated a number of times, as a general rule, I don’t do friends with exes & he was no exception. Yet, this is someone who already proved a few times over they didn’t respect what I wanted or me.
2) We have one mutual friend who hasn’t yet asked me “what happened?” but I was dreading the day. I wanted a clean & short answer. Then I realized I didn’t want that clean & short answer for them. I wanted it for myself.
3) The clean & short answer is: “We valued VERY different things & I IGNORED that for far too long.”
4) There was a point in our relationship, when things really started to spiral, that I told him “I don’t feel like I even know you.” The truth was, no, I did “know” him; I just didn’t like (or want to admit) what I was seeing.
I didn’t have a thought to hit the “Accept” button to begin with, but it sure as heck made the deletion of the request that much more validating.
Yes, the timing of this post really is perfect! Last night, he left a voicemail and texted me that he had tickets for a concert and “I would love for you to accompany me.” When I didn’t reply, he sent a text with the sweetener that there was a reservation for before the show “in our names” at a lovely restaurant he knows I like. I have to admit, it did impact me for a moment and it did seem rude not to respond in some way to a cordial invitation. Then I thought about the fact that all of this took place after 11PM last night for plans for tonight! He obviously didn’t buy those tickets with me in mind since I’ve been NC for a month and haven’t replied to any of his other invitations to get together for drinks. Also, I don’t have any particular interest in this show and he would have no reason to think I would! I channeled my inner NML and saw all the disrespect in his presumption that I was waiting around for him and would be jumping at his offer!
He must have planned to take someone else and, since I’ve been his option for so long, he was using this as an excuse to see me and get validation that he’s not such a bad guy/get an ego stroke/shoulder/maybe sex and then take the smoke he expected me to blow up his bum and treat me less than again and chase someone else. When I went NC once before, when he wormed back in he did say “Wow, I must have been really bad if you wouldn’t even talk to me.” And then he proceeded to do the same shit and worse! So, no, I will not lather, rinse, repeat as his ex gf/fallback again! I will not be validating him to feel better about himself for how he treated me! I have no interest in things being reset to where we left off – I admit we both used the reset button regularly. And, while in the past I would have been flattered and think he missed me and rationalized that we have so many years of history and blah, blah, blah, thanks to BR, I can see this for what it is and ignore him. The dinner would have been nice, though. LOL But definitely not worth my dignity! Progress!
Ah fantastic FX – I love the idea of channeling your inner NML (I am going to start consciously doing that)!
Dinner would’ve been nice at the time, but the smacking back down to earth would’ve been horrible afterwards – you’ve just saved yourself a bucketload of pain. Brill
Saying “no” once is an explanation. The second time is a warning. The third time requires neither =)
FX
That’s when we’ve turned the corner – we’re no longer flattered by their “efforts”, we’re indifferent. Or insulted. Who. Do. They. Think. They. Are?
Hi everyone:
It’s been a number of month since I’ve been on the site, and the short of it is my last relationship break up was the rock bottom I needed to get myself and my emotional life in order. The results of taking the time, and doing what I needed to do about myself with that time, has yeilded remarkably unexpected results. I won’t ramble on about it here, except that it was the best time out I’ve ever given myself.
Specifically related to this post, my ex came back into my life recently when his grandfather – very much a father to him – died. I was at the funeral with him, and his family who still treat me like royalty (an aspect of our relationship that kept me hooked long after I knew I wanted out, and something I saw crystal clear when I took my emotional time out). Many opportunities presented themselves to me at the funeral, but as Natalie said:
“When your ex who broke your heart for whatever reason, comes back into your life, it’s an opportunity, just not for what you think”
“…not for what you think.”
At the funeral, and memorial reception at his aunt’s house, I noticed that wherever I went, there he was…quite literally like a shadow. He asked me a lot about my life. He wanted to *know* things about me, he was *interested* in me, he was *thankful* of me for being there, he allowed his family to shower affection on me, he was *attentive* – he was doing and saying so many things that at one point in my life would have been a life-vest to my drowning self-esteem.
But it wasn’t anymore. The great opportunity was my ability to accept his words and actions IN CONTEXT (a funeral for a man who we both loved and who loved us both) and neither fantasize a future with him NOR (and just as important I think) regret the past. There was no projections of anything about anything.
And as a result I was able to be, well, classy. I don’t know how else to describe it. It was, of course, a sad, long day but I was able to leave it behind when I went home: I didn’t wonder how he was doing, I didn’t reach out to him with “if you need anything…”, and I didn’t try to twist emotional vulnerability into meaning something other than we were both just sad grandpa Lxx had died.
I did get an unsolicited apology from him that day, which I accepted because there as no aggressive baggage around me not to. And I had a…
It’s been a number of month since I’ve been on the site, and the short of it is my last relationship break up was the rock bottom I needed to get myself and my emotional life in order. The results of taking the time, and doing what I needed to do about myself with that time, has yeilded remarkably unexpected results.
Specifically related to this post, my ex came back into my life recently when his grandfather – very much a father to him – died. I was at the funeral with him, and his family who still treat me like royalty (an aspect of our relationship that kept me hooked long after I knew I wanted out, and something I saw crystal clear when I took my emotional time out). Many opportunities presented themselves to me at the funeral, but as Natalie said: “When your ex who broke your heart for whatever reason, comes back into your life, it’s an opportunity, just not for what you think”
“…not for what you think.”
At the funeral, and memorial reception at his aunt’s house, I noticed that wherever I went, there he was…quite literally like a shadow. He wanted to *know* things about me, he was *interested* in me, he was *thankful* of me for being there, he allowed his family to shower affection on me, he was *attentive* – he was doing and saying so many things that at one point in my life would have been a life-vest to my drowning self-esteem.
But it wasn’t anymore. The great opportunity was my ability to accept his words and actions IN CONTEXT (a funeral for a man who we both loved and who loved us both) and neither fantasize a future with him NOR (and just as important I think) regret the past.
So I was able to be, well, classy. I don’t know how else to describe it. I was able to leave it behind when I went home: I didn’t wonder how he was doing, I didn’t reach out to him with “if you need anything…”, and I didn’t try to twist emotional vulnerability into something profound about our relationship. It was a funeral. The end.
I did get an unsolicited apology from him that day, which I accepted. And I had a realization – accepting his apology didn’t condone his behavior or how he treated me. It was, in this case, about being classy at a funeral – I mean why put up a fight about something I was indifferent to, and didn’t need anymore?
Thanks for everything you all provide here.
snh
Thanks for this comment. In the face of it all, let’s all try to maintain our dignity. If we can respect ourselves that’s at least half the battle.
I think can also apply to any toxic person you have flushed from your life. Just this last weekend a woman that I flushed out of my life almost 3 years ago, emailed my BF who incidentally also flushed her 3 years ago after I did.
She claimed a “friend” of hers (not her) reads my blog and noted I had mentioned her. I used her as an example, in a post about dumping toxic people from your life. I never used her name, and it was only a brief mention of the incident at the very end of the entire post. Only her, or someone close to us all would know I was referring to her if they read it.
The fact that she didn’t email me directly speaks volumes. In the email she defends her actions, and goes on to explain how wonderful her life is now.
Both my BF and I were like WTF is that about? AND I think this post nails it. My BF has the choice to respond, but I asked her what can of worms does she want to open by doing it, and engaging again with this woman? SURE people do change, but they don’t then go back to the victims of their lives and say forgive me please and take me back… when people change they just change and move forward.
I totally agree with this post. It’s all clear and true, And i’d like to add something about the risks of getting back with an ex that you already know to be an assclown. Recently this guy made contact with me after I cut him out of my life because he had hurt me and my reputation pretty bad when I left him because he was taking emotional and financial advantage of me. I realized back then that I was being blind so I ended it, woving not to get into any of this ever again. But when he attempted to make new contact “as friends” I put my money on the fact that I was now “strong enough” not to fall into this. Also what could be the risk since we would only be friends? Well you see it coming, he started blowing hot and I fell into it again little by little but still very quickly. Not later than two months after inital contact we were back together, or I was back with him, because he was seeing other people freely. I’ll spare you the details of me trying to save the relationship, not wanting to see it for what it was. But still I knew something was definitely off and couldn’t help but back off. When he felt I was dropping out and that he was loosing control over me, he went mad. He started showing a side of himself I never knew existed. He became violent and it escalated very quickly over a week or two. He would be verbally, sexually and physically violent, slapping me when other guys called and physically keeping me from leaving when I finally broke down, threatening to lock me up and being insanely scary. It was a nightmare and for days I couldn’t get out of my house or see any man without my eyes watering up and feeling very scared. I wasn’t at all about whether or not I would be “strong enough”. I was being “strong enough” by keeping him out of my life and I did’n need to prove it any further. I’m still dealing with the grim aftermath of this and I believe it will take serious time for me to fully recover and feel like myself again. Now I don’t mean to be scaring people of their exes or in any way implying that all unavailable men are violent, but I think it’s very important to remember that you never know who can be, even though the vast majority of men are sane and sweet. I would like to have considered more before letting him back into my life. Considered that he’d already hurt me without regret and that I was exposing myself to more…
Thank you Natalie. Excellent article.
I explained in another post a while back that this happened to me. The ex came back out of the blue (after a year and a half of no contact) with a lazy e-mail telling me the he still “loves me” and “wanted to talk sometime”. Of course he was still with his girlfriend at the time he told me this – the one that he was involved with before ending things with me… total AC . I told him it wasn’t necessary to talk in a lazy e-mail from ME to him for a change LOL. I told him these words ” Don’t contact me again for any reason whatsoever, goodbye.” It was a beautiful moment. Liberating really. It took everything I could do to hit send but once I did it was absolute utopia. I got my opportunity to make things right for ME. See, I didn’t treat myself with the love, care and respect that I should have when involved with this AC. Time and patience have done wonders for making me see that this man is not good enough for me and will never change. I deserve more, period. I could have went down the old comfortable road by engaging in more contact with him, but why? I had to change MY old ways and my own ideas and feelings about myself to be able to make the right choice – I got my self esteem back and ditched the man that had a hand in lowering my already low self esteem to begin with! It is very hard when you are involved with a class A manipulator/predator but I have learned that if you really love yourself you will choose YOU over anything that an AC says or does. I now feel sorry for the poor woman that my ex is involved with – I just hope that she finds the strength (and finds this blog!) to get rid of the ex AC and come out of it unscathed. So many lessons to learn in this life…
Thank you for everything Natalie!
Whenever I feel I’m in danger of forgetting about the true nature of assclowns, or giving in to reverting to comfortable hell, I read BR and that helps me stay on my path to recovery and away from relationship insanity. Readers’ comments have also made it a lot easier, especially on this article.
It is completely outrageous what these ACs do! And very comforting to see that so many women have seen it all. One of my exes, and not even a recent one (an AC with gf) is so persistent in keeping in touch with me it is unbelievable. He doesn’t even want me back, he just calls and calls and calls, often 10 or more times on the same occasion, and this has been going on for months of my NC. He even came to my doorstep two months ago and decided to sleep in front of my apartment until I come home from a night out so he can force me into contact. Luckily I was out of town, but when I came back I saw the hallway demolished because he got pissed when I didn’t return. A few days ago I broke NC and answered the phone, and he was like: ”Hello. Do you wanna come over? I moved to your neighborhood. It’s your turn to visit me, I always visit you, don’t be rude.” And then he tells me how he slept in front of my apartment and the rest of what happened. And he basically told me he would find me when I move somewhere else. And from the outside this man looks like someone who is every girl’s dream come true. I would like to know if any of your assclowns are this determined to get their supply? I see they write you false declarations of love, want to get back together etc, but do they actually come and sleep at your doorstep waiting for you to return??? Not to mention online stalking, stalking friends and family, contacting everyone close to me, digging up all information he can get. And all of that without any reason specified. This would be totally romantic if it weren’t about a sadistic AC who is in a relationship!!! Who f****d things up for good almost three years ago. I tried everything, from chasing him years ago, being with him, being friends, not being friends and now NC that I’ve managed to hold onto for over 6 months (and he called regularly)…but the guy is like ”I still visit you”. Not like he does this every day, but once a month is stressful enough. I know he’ll try to contact me and that anticipation puts…
Amazing story but Keep strong girl! His sleeping on the hall way or your doorstep means absolutely nothing-maybe a tiny part of you thinks he cares since he is going through the extreme here. Still,all this hot pursuit is going to turn lukewarm to cold pretty fast that you’ll wonder who turned off the hot water heater?!
He did,and he will continue doing this seductive I want you bad dance,it’s like a drug that can pull you in,have this BR page on automatic or print or paste it all over if you can. It’s hard but be strong,that is the only way to kick a bad habit-like him!
”His sleeping on the hall way or your doorstep means absolutely nothing-maybe a tiny part of you thinks he cares since he is going through the extreme here. Still,all this hot pursuit is going to turn lukewarm to cold pretty fast that you’ll wonder who turned off the hot water heater?! He did.”
Exactly! I don’t know what is more dangerous here, thinking you have feelings, or wanting to help the mentally disturbed get better. Both of which are, of course, bs and no more than destructive habits.
Jolene
Er no. No woman in her right mind would find this a dream come true. It’s not even romantic in theory and you need to re-examine your values if you think this is good stuff on any plane. If it happened to me, I’d call the police.
Cut him off, if necessary get a trusted male friend to make a calm telephone call telling him to back off. Change your number. Record every incident with dates should it escalate.
He thinks he owns you. Katie Piper was raped and had her face burned off in an acid attack by a stalker. I lately heard that in parts of the world, such acid attacks by men on women are quite common. Talk about busting boundaries. Sleeping on your doorstep is busting boundaries.
I’m not saying something that extreme will happen to you but this isn’t the sign of someone who loves you. He is out of control.
It sounds like you’ve normalized bad behavior…
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/normalising-bad-behaviour/
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/
This man is mentally disturbed, this is not romantic in any way, shape, form or fashion. It’s criminal, harmful behavior, he is out of control, and if it were me I would have gotten the police involved long ago.
I’ve been stalked my experience is the only thing to stop it is to send a clear, direct message of “eff off, I will not tolerate this” and bring in outside forces – this sends a message that you are not weak, helpless prey. It also illuminates the situation, where you are not in isolation and nothing sends a cockroach scurrying light flipping on a light switch
Thank you for support.
To me it is now dealing with my relationship past and my NPD dad at the same time. This ex doesn’t seem criminal to me, although he is, because my dad who is in essence a mentally ill and difficult and violent person, kept me fascinated with this type of behavior and himself for about 27 years until I learned about NPD. I guess now that I’ve found out what’s wrong, I can deal with it, but I’m having a hard time not getting high on drama and finding danger arousing, both mentally and physically. I don’t even see myself as prey here, although in essence I am. You know what my dad said when I asked him to help me install bars in my hallway so I can be safe? ”Oh cut the crap. The kid just likes you and can’t stand rejection. He has bad courting style. Besides, you loved him, didn’t you? Just tell him to go away I’m sure this is nothing to waste money for and install some stupid bars.” So much sympathy for the psycho from my very own parent!!!
I read all of these posts you gave links for, and I’m actually quite new at setting boundaries, since not having them was partially due to my fascination with BDSM, which is in essence normalising outrageous stuff. Also being raised by a father just like that ex didn’t help much.
With a crap response like that, no wonder it’s difficult to know what’s ok and what isn’t…
BDSM isn’t actually the same as normalizing outrageous behavior, in my experience it is acknowledging the desire and creating a negotiated time and space for outrageous behavior. All consenting adults with agreements in place. There is a HUGE difference between intentionally setting up a scene where you may or may not have a safe word, with everyone in agreement to the parameters of the scene…or even an consensual agreement to be a live-in pet or a slave, and ongoing boundary-busting effing-up-your-life criminal behavior from an A/C who will not go away.
If the people you play with break agreements during a scene, you need to find new people to play with. Otherwise, instead of a consensual power exchange, it’s just abuse.
Hahah, the first thing that came to mind after reading your response, Sunshine, was to justify my ”crap response”, and I asked myself ”do I come across as retarded?” Then i realized…Yes, I actually might appear retarded, first of all because I’m not a native english speaker, and YES, I was clearly NOT able to tell that an AC was an AC, and not a responsible adult. I didn’t want to make the entire thing about bdsm, thus the crappy part, more of what I wanted to say is that I do have my own issues and kinks that (more issues than kinks obviously
) made me susceptible to this form of abuse.
Anyway, your comment is down to the point – do NOT play games with ”people” who actually just want to play with your head, without your consent. Even live-in pets know that!
OH I am so sorry! I meant your FATHER’S crap response to your asking for help with the bars….oh, geez..glad you took it so well! I mean really, “bad courting style”…ugh…
Please do seek legal advice if the hallway sleeper doesn’t go away, it *is* a dangerous situation and this guy seems to be aching to test your limits. I know all too well this kind of thing can go on for YEARS (decades, even), if you keep trying to handle it alone thinking maybe it’s not so bad.
About getting high on the drama and the danger…NML wrote an article about keeping a feelings journal:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/figure-out-how-you-feel-what-youre-experiencing-with-a-feelings-diary/
Just noticing and being honest about what you are really feeling will make a difference. It’s like anything else, it takes practice, what seems hard now will eventually come naturally.
I know he’ll try to contact me and that anticipation puts him in the center of my attention, again. I know I’m still bothered by it because of what’s inside of me, not because he still calls, but sleeping at my doorstep seems a bit too drastic to just forget about. I’m moving soon so that’s cool, and I’ll change my number probably, but I hate having to do so just because some moron with narcissistic personality disorder won’t f*** off!!! Plus I still have it in the back of my mind that ”he’ll find me”. Not to apologize or whatever, or for physical violence. Just to try to suck the life out of me. And I know he’d be able to do that if I gave him just a few minutes of my time. It scares me to realize that for now NC is the only way my mind is safe, and if he comes near me I’m screwed. I’m still not strong enough to be able to just call the police if he comes again and not even look at him. I even felt ”in love” while I was speaking with him! I hope there is an end to this, and not a messy one. BR is helping me a lot in keeping my mind clear and not succumbing to my own fears and weaknesses.
wow interesting someone has been going thru this for Fifty years! Lucky it was five years worth of waste of energy with this guy. As embarrassing as it is I shouldn’t feel bad especially if someone have been dealing with this crud for Fifty years!!!
All I won’t be adding another year to this foolishness,I can do all things Thru Christ who Strengthens me!
I just wanted to add, in case there’s someone here pining over an ex AC who now has a new gf…having the issues that I do, I had another assclown for a bf a couple of years ago. This one could also be diagnosed with NPD. After I left him, he went on to find a new girl (not like it was something he wasn’t also doing during the relationship
) and he made sure I heard everything about it, ”she’s way hotter than my ex, we’re moving in together, I am soooo in love…” It all looked like he was really happy with her, and finally becoming the man I was hoping to make him, while I was single and still miserable, trying to fix myself. After a while, a friend introduced me to this new girlfriend, who turned out to be a really nice but lost person, and she actually told me she was miserable, afraid and that none of the wonderful things I saw, were actually happening, except for the part where he did want to move into HER new apartment 
and that she had to listen about me way more than she should. This was helpful, for both me and her.
Several years later, he still gets in touch occasionally, (with every girl he ever liked, not just me)but I’m not bothered at all. I am so indifferent that I can even go out for a drink with him and completely forget that it even happened. I just see him as a mentally ill person, and I don’t have feelings for him, or want to help him, and I am completely sure he cannot ever be helped. And that is wonderful. He doesn’t deserve any of my time, but if he does get it, I still lose nothing.
Jolene
I find your story very disturbing. There is nothing romantic about this man’s crazy behaviour – not by the wildest stretch of the imagination. Normal/healthy men do not behave like this. He sounds dangerous to me.
Why you would see going for drinks with him as harmless or giving him any of your time as ‘nothing to lose’ is beyond me. This is the guy who will not take no for an answer, who refuses to go away, who bullies you into contact with him, who parks himself overnight on your doorstep and demolishes your hallway when you don’t show up. I’m sorry to be be blunt but he is a total creep – and a dangerous one, so you do indeed have very much to lose if you do not take all steps necessary to get him to stay very far away from you.
On the news this week (where I live) we are hearing about a man who would not take no for an answer when his lover tried to end their relationship. She is dead. He has been sentenced to life imprisonment for her murder. Her body has not yet been found. Last week on the news was a young mother of two whose boyfriend had just been sentenced for breaking her jaw and gouging her eyes out, leaving her badly disfigured and blind. I have heard about this gouging out of the eyes before. I have also heard about the practice of men throwing acid in the faces of their (ex) partners. These two acts would seem to be part of the repertoire of these men. And you can be assured, Jolene, that these type of men do not suddenly gouge out eyes or throw acid – they build up to these things; the acid and the gouging are the grand finales. I don’t mean to scare you but you must wake up to the very dangerous ground you tread with this truly horrible man.
I had drinks with a different man, not the ”sleeper”. Jeez, horrific! :@ I see your point, that’s exactly why I wrote all of this, so I could read some answers that would shock me back to reality. Thank you.
Jolene
I assume this is a different guy to the current crazy guy (though what fearless says still stands – you are in danger). However, they both point to the same issue with you (yes you, not them, even though they are both EU/AC in extremis). You have no limits.
Or as my counsellor said to me, “you have an incredibly long fuse.”
At what point do you say “enough” and walk away? From what you’ve said, you don’t. To justify these interactions as being helpful makes me gasp with disbelief. Help yourself by not engaging with ex’s girlfriends or with them. It’s a circle of crazy that has you believing that being stalked is normal.
Cut these people off. You think you should be pleased with”feeling indifferent” and not being punched. I suggest you aim higher and not cast yourself in the thankless task of AC-whisperer.
Soooo happy that I’ve found this site, thank you all for your thoughts, girls! I come and read your posts whenever I feel the urge to contact my sweet little Bastard again
My story is in a way similar to C’s. We met 2 years ago, he told me how he was immediately taken by me etc., there was a strooong attraction between us… But nothing happened. I have my family, he’s got someone in his life. I’d probably never get myself into this if I didn’t find out that my otherwise very good husband got himself a young beutiful mistress… who happened to be our nanny, what a stereotype, which totally crushed my self-esteem. Well, this gorgeous looking man was obviously also much younger than me and luckily lives very far away. We talked to each other afterwards quite often, saw us on skype, were flirting constantly, and I felt good on the days I’ve heard from him and crashed when I didn’t. We managed to break up a few times and to get together again… What always confused me was that he wanted to have sex talks with me, but, as he said, felt so bad afterwards (because of “cheating” on his girlfriend) that he disappeared. For a while. He never wanted real sex. He never came to visit. He said he wants me, but… He would be totally on, but got cold feet after a day or two. Never met anyone like that – someone that approaches and then backs off. Last time he came back after a few months, he explained what an ass he was, how bad he behaved, how differently he thinks now etc. etc.. He was totally sweet, calling me at least once a day, then we got into sex talks again… and he called less and less. And I finally broke up with him again. I know it’s a total non-sense, I don’t really want him, I know I’m having feelings for some imaginative person with all the characteristics he doesn’t posses and that I just like the feeling of being wanted by someone so young and so good looking… My husband and I never split, our relationship is stronger again. BUT… I’m stuck! I’m in the phase of wanting to contact him again. I’m 40 and still so stupid. HELP!
Stereotype, I sooo know what you are talking about! Got myself into a similar long-distance fantasy for coupla years, there is something very stereotypical about approaching 40, ha, ha, pun intended!
Really, fantasies are even more difficult to let go of than real messy relationships, Nat said it somewhere. This makes sense to me, if one indulges one’s imagination to the fullest, the fantasy ends up being too good to be anything else but a fantasy. And because nothing much is happening in real life, you don’t even feel guilty about this, even it is technically cheating. You walk on air carrying your little secret about a special somebody that is somewhere far away and (may be, just may be) thinking of you. Very difficult to let go of such a fantasy, indeed! But think about it: if of friend of yours shared with you a similar secret, you’d recognize the absurdity right away, wouldn’t you? You’d tell her: “look, this is ridiculous, infantile, absurd, get real!”
Nat and the BR-posters are great at pointing out such things, thank you so much all! Keep reading this site, Stereotype, you’ll soon start feeling down-to-earth, and less stupid!
Thank you, Teddy! Your answer made me realize how infantile this really is, although it means a world to me. Oh yes, I walked on air with a smile on my face some days. But much more often I felt crushed because of his actions, because they didn’t meet my expectations, because I felt more then he did. I know all this and still… The real problem is I give it so much importance, spend too much time thinking of him, googling for infos of him… embarrassing! I must be on some freaking spell! My friend that knows keeps telling me “Just go there, meet him finally and just do it!” But I can’t. I have that much dignity left.
Stereotype, you can easily busy yourself with other things: self-care, self-growth, working out, whatever. Reading is a good one too: read the Dragon Girl trilogy, or anything by Joy Fielding, I’m sure you’ll find it much more gripping and entertaining than googling the AC. And no, don’t go there and don’t meet him! Hold on to your dignity!
Ok ladies and NAT i have a QUESTION????
What if he’s back because he really is sorry and he’s realized how wrong he was and that he loves you, wants noone else but you etccccc…???
I know I may get attacked for saying it lool but seriously what if he is a changed man? People change dont they? Or am I being delusional?
Nat can you help what are the signs that he’s back for real and not just back for an ego stroke or just to poke around and see what he can get?
Amber,
You’ll know he’s changed by his actions. If he hasn’t you see it pretty damn quick because they tend to behave even worse than before. If he is making a genuine attempt to address the things that weren’t right before . I wouldn’t be taken in by words though – anyone can say they love you and want you and mean it in their world but still treat you badly and shit on you from a great height.
That didn’t quite make sense – I meant to say if he is making a genuine attempt to address things that weren’t right before you will see it in his actions consistently over time.
i had someone come back a second time – and due to contrition i gave him a chance. what a mistake. but anyway i learned from it. when he tried the third time, i said, yeah no thanks. applied NC and that was that. phew.
Hi,
My biggest and most significant ex boyfriend got intouch via my business website as I had blocked him on my personal email. We split 9 1/2 years ago haven’t seen him since, we never spoke on the phone again and he moved on very quick to the next girl…he never initiated contact, would reply to the odd email out of many that I had sent but one liners mostly. It was a very humilating painful time for me but I finally let it go. Out of nowhere he emails to say he wants my contact details. Like a tit I sent him my mobile. Then nada. its been 2 months. Should I email him to find out why he got intouch?Its been niggling at me nonstop..god they always get under your skin its beyond annoying. Thanks girls!
I need some advice from my sisters
Hell-to-the-no. Do not be a glutton for punishment. Surely there is a limit to what you will put up with? It’s been two months – that says it all! It’s been 9 years – it’s time to accept that it’s over and move on. That’s a long frickin time to be trying to get an ex’s attention.
Thanks Nat. Yeah I needed that to be reaffirmed. Can’t wait till the dust settles again.. all these emotions have bubbled up. Im really miffed he’s pulled this stunt. Nail. Coffin
x
TT
Email him. He’ll ignore you. You’ll email him again and – shzam – this will have gone on for TEN WHOLE YEARS.
(btw that’s not a good thing)