Many people, especially those with a penchant for unavailable relationships, struggle with rejection and take it very personally, which is unsurprising when they also fear making mistakes and engage in trying to ‘win’ people over.
Rejection is feeling that you’ve not been shown due care (hence you feel uncared for) or being turned down which leaves you feeling that you weren’t up to ‘standard’.
Things not working out and hearing/experiencing NO is a part of life. We all go through it although you’ll notice that those who cope with rejection, don’t call it ‘rejection’. They call it ‘breaking up’, ‘it not working out’, ‘not getting the job’, ‘the friendship growing apart’, ‘different priorities’, ‘a disagreement’, ‘they said NO’ etc.
In dating and relationships, ‘rejection’ is impossible to avoid because not all dates and relationships are supposed to work out – that’s why dating is a discovery phase and even if it progresses into a relationship, it might not work.
Short of only ever being with one person, you will have to turn people down, let go, and break up with them and vice versa.
It’s unavoidable and being able to say NO, to opt out of situations, to admit when something isn’t working, is part of the natural order of freeing yourself up to be available for a mutual relationship.
Unfortunately, if you have found yourself in unavailable relationships, especially as a Fallback Girl (or guy), you have some major issues with rejection, either taking it too hard and being derailed by it, or busting a gut to ensure that you don’t experience it, even though you actually are.
Every day I hear stories of people who are completely overwhelmed by rejection or repeatedly throwing themselves under the same rejection bus because they don’t want to deal with the pain of accepting someone’s choice in another person or their treatment of them.
They think they can make one or a number of rejections right by trying to get this person to validate them and unfortunately end up experiencing even more pain.
Or…they languish in the sorrow of the rejection and they end up living in the past, thinking about the coulda, woulda, shoulda, shaming and blaming themselves, and avoiding their present and future. The rejection triggers a previous rejection plunging them into more pain.
What you need to realise about avoiding rejection, whether it’s by living in the past, fearing starting over and giving yourself a hard time about all of the things that you perceive as a rejection of you, or you’ve been clinging to a one trick three legged horse and refusing to fold on a relationship that’s completely detracting from you, is:
All of this trying to dodge the rejection bullet is actually doing anything but what you intended because you are rejecting yourself.
The mindset that surrounds someone that thinks they’ve been rejected, are rejectionable and that there is external evidence to support their mindset means that the unhealthy beliefs and feeding the self-fulfilling prophecy automatically opt them out of anything that contradicts this, not least because they’re not participating actively in their lives and moving forward.
The two easiest ways to avoid rejection in relationships – don’t have any relationships or get involved with someone who offers the least likely prospect of commitment or a relationship – it’s ‘safe rejection’ but both still wind up being self-rejection.
I’ve had to learn to stop taking things to the nth degree, making everything about me, and seeing things not going my way as ‘rejection’. I’m pretty sure I used to get abandonment and rejection confused hence why I’d feel so terrible – they’re two different things but also people not doing what you want isn’t rejection or abandonment; it’s just people doing their own thing.
Rejection paves the way to opening a new door in your life. While it can and often does hurt, them doing what you may not be able to do for yourself, frees you up to gain perspective and be available for yourself and a more fulfilling relationship…if you don’t avoid it.
The fact is that while occasionally I see people being torn up about a relationship not working out with someone they had a mutual one with love, care, trust, and respect that has for whatever reason not worked out, the overwhelming majority of people I witness struggling with ‘rejection’, are struggling with feeling that they weren’t up to ‘standard’ for someone and a relationship that they shouldn’t have been available for in the first place. It’s back to ‘I can’t believe they don’t want me’ syndrome.
“Why am I not up to standard for someone and a situation that was undeserving me? OMG! I must be highly rejectionable!”
If you were actually in something that detracted from you and had a load of code amber and red warnings, them ‘turning you down’ is actually a blessing in disguise. Let them skip on down the street and find someone else to mess with.
Stop feeling bad about the fact that someone who you knew (whether you choose to admit it or not) had clear signs that they weren’t capable of being the person you wanted them to be or giving you the relationship you want, didn’t ‘change’ for you.
The funny thing is – you not accepting someone is…rejection. You’re feeling rejected about the fact that they didn’t change from what you find rejectionable.
You don’t have to see rejection as something terrible.
You were in this relationship too. Instead of rejecting the truth of who they are or your relationship, accept it and recognise that you’re ‘out’ for a damn good reason!
People are allowed to say NO to you. They are. Don’t panic though – it cuts both ways!
You can’t just wallow in pain or stick to a relationship that detracts from you like glue just because it’s better than feeling ‘rejection rejection‘.
Some of the things you see as rejection aren’t rejection – it’s giving you an Early Opt Out with no penalties, a difference of opinion, or NO.
Them not changing = them not changing.
Different values = wanted different things.
Disagreement = disagreement.
They couldn’t give you what you want (even if they talked out of their bum) = overestimated capacity and Betting On Potential
Even if they were ‘great’, they’re just not that special that you should deem yourself as being some sort of ‘rejection case’. You wanted different things – that sounds a hell of a lot better than “They rejected me” especially because rejection automatically creates the assumption that you are wholly and solely responsible for why the relationship hasn’t worked out or why they behave as they do – you’re not.
Don’t see your relationships as a ‘waste’ or that you are now ‘rejectionable’ – that’s writing off both bad and good times. Not all relationships can or are meant to last and to wallow in rejection or to avoid it, is to also disregard the truth. Maybe there are things you could have done differently but guess what? You weren’t alone. Whatever your relationship was supposed to be, it’s been even if you would have preferred it to be something different.
Instead of feeling crap about everything you didn’t get that you think you were entitled to – remember who they were and why it’s over. If there’s some good in there, great, but if what you’re mourning is the loss of what didn’t happen, don’t ‘waste’ your life by devoting it to taking up pain and rejection solitude as a vocation.
Same goes for dates – dating is a discovery phase! Trust me when I say you haven’t discovered anything so fabulous about a date that warrants you carrying on like they were the last chance saloon!
You wanted different things. You had a difference of opinion. They’re not ready for commitment whether it’s you in the hot seat or The Most Perfect Person in the Universe. Whatever it is – it’s not the definition of you.
Your thoughts?
Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.
Copyright 2011 Baggage Reclaim
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Well, I did not get the job I wanted. They put me on a list of instructors. It is interesting, isn’t it, how you can really want a job and go hard for it and if you don’t get it: well – I don’t sit around crying, wondering if I’ll ever get another job, thinking, I have been rejected for jobs in the past! I’m destined to NEVER be employed!
I don’t feel rejected; I feel like I came second in a race.
I do wonder, with a twinge, who beat me out for this term’s position but really, it doesn’t matter that much. The job is about what I need out of it, if it’s not happening, moving on.
Could it be that this is how I can feel about dating? I have never felt as strongly about a guy as I have about certain jobs: ie. THAT one, I want THAT one. I wonder what kind of relationships would spur me with that kind of calm, focused and self-assured energy that I bring to job interviews I really want a shot at, am qualified or almost qualified for, and am a bit nervous about?
I would like to be so confident that I don’t feel disadvantaged in the ‘competition’ amongst women, and could handle being with someone that others would also try hard for.
By the way I thought BR readers might find this article interesting. It suggests having high or low self esteem affects even what consumer items we choose or reject. The results suggest how harshly we can compare ourselves to others.
Notice, it’s not actually “how pretty” the women are compared to one another that matters (as if that is measurable) but how much self-esteem the woman has.
http://moneyland.time.com/2011/08/16/how-attractive-clothes-shoppers-affect-our-buying-habits/
Bri
I have been there too and made the mistake of having a relationship with a second married man. It has just ended and it hurts like heck and I have to see him at work every day. In fact he is now avoiding me in the parking lot even though I have done nothing to try to reconnect with him–and his avoiding hurts too (that’s why I am here). Believe me when I say that no matter how long you would have stuck it out, he will not leave his wife. Take the time to heal and then be sure you are ready for a relationship with someone who is available. This is a lesson to be learned now, so that you don’t repeat it again. That is a great gift. It was a long relationship, so don’t beat up on yourself for hurting so badly.
Michelle
Your comment highlights something I realised in my brush with the MM:
HE CANNOT DO THE RIGHT THING
It hurts when he lurks in the carpark to make you feel sorry for him but it hurts when he avoids you in said carpark.
It hurts when he says he loves you
It hurts when he doesn’t say it.
It hurts when he says he will leave his wife.
It hurts when he doesn’t say anything about leaving his wife.
It hurts when he has sex with you
It hurts when he cuts the sex off so you can be “just friends”
It hurts his wife when he’s with you.
It hurts you when he’s with his wife.
It would hurt his wife to leave her (and, for a minute, try to entertain the idea that she would hurt more than YOU do)
It hurts you if he stays with her
It hurts his family when he takes his money, time and love away from them
It hurts you when he puts them first
Honestly and seriously – what do we expect him to do? Stop waiting for him to come up with a solution! He’s stuck because EVERYTHING HE DOES IS WRONG. Every nice thing he does for his wife is bad for you. Every nice thing he does for you is bad for his wife.
Be grateful it’s over.
Yes Grace, so true. I have thought of exactly what you have said here before ,any times – I had a thing with an MM many years ago and it hurt like hell. I cried for months and didn’t feel human again for at least a year – Oh yes, he was the love of my life (lol). Yet, I did love him (in as much as I understood what “love” was at the time) but it’s an episode that I bitterly regret for all kinds of reasons. I felt very guilty about it eventually (and still do) because I came to understand how badly *I* had actually behaved. And if I’d loved him (and had any human concern for another woman and her children) I would have put him out of his misery and sent him home for good long before the actual ‘end’ came about. It was horrible. Yes, Grace, it doesn’t matter what they do – it all hurts. All of it. They can do nothing right, they can say nothing right – not one thing. Ever. Because it is ALL wrong and can never be the right thing to be doing. The rejection you feel when they finally stay with the wife and don’t come back is dreadful. I remember having the cheek to feel soooo angry that he still had his life in tact and a wife/partner to spend it with – he still had everything that he had had before he met me while I was left alone and desolate to start again (like Ann Robinson on the Weakest Link – UK quiz show – her end line to the loser: “you leave with nothing”. And that about sums it up for the OW; whatever is whatever is, whatever he does or doesn’t do, whatever he says or doesn’t say the result is the same: You Leave With Nothing.
And that’s exactly how it should be. We see that later, but not at the time.
One last comment on that which occurs to me: I came to understand how being an OW is a VERY, VERY selfish thing to do. I came to understand what a horrid selfish person I was in trying to convince a man with a wife and children to be with me. We are so wrapped up in the the love fantasy bubble and in our supposed god-given right to pursue it, so wrapped up in our misplaced, warped sense of righteousness (“but you don’t understand – we love eachother!!!” – bollocks) that we fail, miserably fail, to recognise just how enormously self-absorbed, selfish, self-pitying and self-centred we actually are during these affairs.
Sorry to be blabbing now, probably off topic.
Fearless
Ouch but true.
And let’s not forget HIS selfishness – heads he wins (wife and family), tails he wins (mistress). Yay for him!
The innocent party is his wife, picking up the groceries, sexing him (yes they are having sex), looking after the kids, planning their holidays while he TALKS SHITE about her behind her back. To a woman she doesn’t even know who wants to see her divorced and her kids reduced to occasional visits with dad (and her replacement).
Divorce is sometimes necessary but who knows what problems a couple could overcome if a third party doesn’t get in the way? And sometimes divorce is best for the children. But that’s not the OW’s decision.
Bringing this back on topic, I get that it’s difficult when an affair ends but let’s not prolong our agony by obsessing about the perceived rejection. The MM couldn’t reject me. I wasn’t his wife and I wasn’t even his girlfriend. What’s to reject? He couldn’t take me out, introduce me to his kids or his family, or take me on work functions. He couldn’t meet my friends. He couldn’t move in with me. He couldn’t ask me to marry him no matter how fabulous, sexy, smart etc I am. He wasn’t rejecting me .HE WAS MARRIED.
And don’t diss his wife, imagining that she’s some sexless harridan for your poor MM to be a cheat. She could just as easily be Cheryl Cole, Jackie Kennedy, Jennifer Aniston – they all got cheated on!
You know what? This is true for ANY relationship with an EU. Everything they do is wrong – all the time. It doesn’t matter if my husband never cheated on me physically – he cheated me of his time and affection when he spent hours with his friends, on the phone, on the Internet. He might as well have cheated! I would feel less insulted being “rejected” for an actual person than for some flirty girl on Facebook. EVERYTHING HE DOES IS WRONG! Thank you, @grace, for making a very good point!
Grace
So true. I’m not proud that I fell in the trap again, but what happened is he did say he was leaving his wife (because she had had an affair). Then, however, he went on a planned business/personal trip with her. I said let’s suspend this until you are really ended. When he came back from the trip he implied, invited me to his place for dinner making my favorite meal (they work in separate cities), and then initiated sex, which I naively went along with. Afterwards I found out he had not left and they had had a good time together and he was going to work on the marriage. Yes, I was in denial and should have asked before being intimate with him again. But at least when he told me he was still with her I left immediately and initiated NC (with one lapse so far after the parking lot incident). Anyway I am not happy that I started a relationship with a MM, but I am very happy that I ended it as soon as I saw the writing on the wall. All of this happened in the span of 7 weeks, so thankfully I know I will get over it. The tough part is that we work in the same building and have some of the same social contacts, and that is what I am struggling with. I don’t want the possibility of seeing each other and things being awkward to interfere with my comfort and happiness at work. I love my job. I emailed him to try to say that I didn’t want things to be awkward, but it was useless and counterproductive because he didn’t respond. I’m back now to NC and focusing on me.
I’ve got to be true to myself… http://youtu.be/ikzQmC3S-mE.
The ex MM was always surprised that there was a reagee song that summed life up. This one even surprised me today. Even though I’ve heard it before, it resonated today. Hope you will listen.
I’m feeling discouraged as all my cousins have settled down young, yet I’m single again. It feels like you get over an ex, only to get screwed over by the next person. Meanwhile my parents think you have to be married just to do anything. They would be happy if I never left home.
Fedup
There’s your problem – your parents and their expectations. My parents weren’t bothered if I got married or not and I still had crap relationships. That’s not really the issue, the issue that they are controlling your life.
When you care too much about what other people think you can’t have good relationships. You won’t know who you really are, you doubt yourself and your boundaries are poor. You don’t bring your full self into relationships, you morph into a boyfriend (or even someone-i-went-out-with-twice) pleaser. Decent men get put off by that. But it attracts EUs – they like women with no boundaries. And it makes YOU attracted to them because you have a compulsion to jump through hoops. “Ooh, he’s a bit distant, married, living with someone, a player, a bit mean, ambiguous. I’ll see what I can do to please him and make him pick me. That’s exciting to me”
Stop blaming the ACs and EUs for the fact that you’re stuck at home and unhappy. I’m assuming you live in the Western world where, thankfully, women don’t need their parents’ permission of a man’s permission to live our lives. Yes the exes were numpties but you can’t do anything about that. Judge Judy sometimes yells ” You get no compensation for emotional distress. YOU PICKED HIM!!” The only thing you can do something about is who you pick. And the first step is to ask yourself WHY you picked them. And, please, “I love him/he’s charming/witty/good looking/intelligent/ we have good sex/he says nice things” is NOT the right answer. That’s just what you tell yourself.
@Fedup – i’m from an eastern family, so i am very familiar with the pressures of conforming to family beliefs and values, even though mine are the total opposite. I spent 6 years with a perfectly decent, but wrong for me, man because it was what i thought i should be doing. That’s not life. It will never make you happy, even if you do have someone and are in a ‘stable’ relationship, it still might not be the right one. Just because you’re not with a total knob-head, doesn’t mean all your problems are solved.
Eventually, at the age of 31, i decided to do what i wanted. I decided to identify and stick to my values and tell my parents what my life was going to be, rather than asking them what it should be. They treated me like i had completely lost the plot. They asked me on several occasions whether i knew what the hell i was doing. My dad actually got angry and said “Don’t come crying to me when…..”. The end result? It has been two years since i started doing my own thing and i have never been happier. My parents still look at me like i’m one of those seven legged creatures in a jar, but they are still my parents who love me and, in any case, they never really understood me anyway. We agree to disagree.
Doing your own thing in spite of social and cultural norms does take courage. You do get a lot of flack for it, but if keeping quiet and ‘going along with things’, for an easier life is the alternative, i’d much rather put up with the occasional aggrevation.
Hope this helps!
I still find the “rejection” of the ex EUM hardest to stomach when I find it hard to mentally re-invent him into the person I now understand him to be.
I struggle sometimes to completely demolish my own invention or erroneous belief about him and to re-invent him back again to the reality of the man I should have seen and acted upon when I met him. It is very hard (for me anyway) to re-align him consistently in my mind with the reality of who he actually is, who he has shown himself to be to me – consistently.
I am convinced that the EUM was NOT the man I thought (or hoped) he was. So I know I should not feel ‘rejected’ and that I did in fact reject myself for all those years I pursued the relationship and stuck it out with him. But…. I still find myself thinking about him, reacting to him and my thoughts of him in the “past person”, if you see what I mean. It’s such a hard habit to break. I did this yesterday. And it floored me for a whole day – hence I came back on to read BR. I found out that he had been promoted at work to a “big” position, one he had talked to me a lot about – well, now he has it. Fine. Thing is, when I fell of the NC wagon about four/five months ago (March). At that point I was communicating with him regularly for about 2/3 weeks. We slept together twice. What I know now is that he had already been promoted to this “big” position, seriously as big as it gets in his profession. He never mentioned it to me. He kept it from me. And I have no idea why he would do that (who the F cares, I hear you all say, and I agree – but it hurt!) Yesterday when I realised this had happened and he didn’t tell me, I was floored, rejected, slapped in the face – you name it I felt it. And my reaction about it was in the “past person” not the present person that I know him to be (if you see what I mean)… all the old misery and let down and rejection came flooding back and I felt like a worthless peice of shit the whole day. Am dealing with it better today… but am still feeling the effects; I feel demotivated. That feeling of rejection is shit. It’s sore. It hurts. I need to get my gumption back. And fast. I lost it yesterday.
@Fearless – It seems like such a small thing, doesn’t it? But the shockwaves just keep pouring through you… He and I both pushed the Reset button yesterday knowingly. (I am punishing myself – it’s a long story) Thought I could stick it out this time. This morning, I go outside and on the ground I see the outer wrapper of a cigarette pack. I know it’s his. He knows I HATE littering. So I ask him to pick it up, he does. Then he walks over towards another car, casually strolling, finishing his cigarette. I know EXACTLY what he’s doing. He’s dropping that litter. So I take him to work. I come home and check. Yes, the litter is there, next to the wheel of the car.
No one but you all here would GET why this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. It doesn’t MATTER what he thinks. It bothers me, end of story. He could have easily put that trash in his pocket. But he does not care what I think and how I feel. And a little tiny piece of cellophane had to be my messenger. My heart sunk when I saw it but no surprise. Enough is enough already. I’m tired of being disgusted with myself.
Wicked: “am tired of being disgusted with myself”. I so get that! You get tired of practically begging for their rejection of you until you realise you are the one who is doing all the rejecting – of you. It’s strange how we can find loving some daft clown so irresistible and yet so hard to love ourselves. I wish I had all the answers. I wish I could always feel what I know I should be feeling. What I do recognise now is what (and who) is bad for me… that’s got to be a good thing, even when it’s sore – the bad thing is sorer! The litter-bug is a twit, Wicked, chuck him to the kerb!
Fearless, Wicked
Sorry to hear about this setback.
In my experience with breakups, you really start to turn the corner around the six month mark. It may take a year to fully recover from a big break up. Don’t panic, it’s not a year of unalloyed misery, it’s ups and downs, but with the overall trend being UP.
Falling off the wagon isn’t the end of the world but it does set you back a bit in your recovery. Fearless, it’s only been about four months since you last saw him; it’s not a very long time. Especially at our age!
It’s like snakes and ladders, you’ll get there in the end but the fewer snakes you slide down the quicker it will be. Emailing/facebook etc are like little snakes; sex is like sliding down a big snake (forgive the yucky sexual innuendo) When you know he doesn’t care about you, contact is just an opportunity for him to let you down/reject you again. He is just being what he is. Like they say in the mafia (allegedly) before they shoot you in the head “it’s not personal”. But no-one likes to be rejected or shot in the head so best avoid it.
There are good days and bad days. Let them pass and have faith that you’re on the right path. Don’t invest too much in a good day “I feel great; I feel SO GREAT I’m gonna see how he’s doing” or in a bad day “I feel SO BAD. It’s all over for me!”
And it’s best if you don’t try to find out whether he gets promoted/married/the Nobel Peace Prize. That said, if WE have the right to live a full life after the breakup, so does he. I’m sure even the best of us would get a kick out of our exes crying and weeping over us and not getting over our fabulousness, malingering in a half-life of non-achievement, but it’s better for Mankind as a whole if we all pick up the pieces and live to our full potential. Otherwise, none of us would be any use to anybody, least of all ourselves!
Grace, that was all kinds of amazing. I really needed to read it today, so thank you! I had blocked all communication (Facebook, email, cell) from my ex-AC, so Genuis McGee decided to call me from another number. Not knowing it was him, I answered the call. He told me he’d been thinking about me and “just wanted to say hi”. I was stunned – I know I shouldn’t be, but things ended SO badly the last time I thought after a few half-hearted attempts at him contacting me after the fact, I wasn’t going to have him bothering me after 7+ months NC. Not to amp up the drama meter on this, but it was really, really insulting. I got off the phone as quickly as possible, with him asking if he could call me again. I said that no, it wasn’t appropriate and I am moving on with my life…of course he starts bleating about all of his problems and saying that he was thinking of moving to the city that I live in (heard that one before) but didn’t know what to do. I said that I did not want to hear from him again, asked him to respect my wishes and hung up. Contact like that really is just them trying to create another opportunity to reject us again!
Thanks amazing Grace. I’ll be just fine. I am doing really well generally. It’s funny, yesterday as I was feeling all the familiar stomach churning of another slap in the face from him – imagined rejection! I really tuned in to how I was feeling. I decided to sit down and just FEEL it – all of it – and describe it to myself. And I realised that I felt absolutely terrible about myself, weak and worthless, neglected, dejected, rejected… and I was horrified to recognise this as a familiar feeling, like an old friend, but not so friendly!! – from the ex EUM relationship. I thought, ‘my God – I used to live with that regularly’, and it used to feel normal to me when I was in the midst of the Mr EUM – unpleasant, yes, but I was actually so used it I had come to expect to feel like that pretty regularly. I never really questioned it as something I had any control over. I just coped with it until it passed – and it never really went away, not really; not for very long, it lurked. I am NOT ever going to ignore or just accept those kind of feelings again without taking action to resolve whatever is causing them. And thank God for Nat and BR I have the foundations and the tools now to deal with it. I know what action to take and I will. Thank you. Everyone.
@grace – Thanks for some very good advice. I have trouble being kind to myself. Very good at criticising me, of course. It’s funny you brought up the 6 mos. mark. The lightbulb came on for me on Valentine’s Day of this year – almost exactly 6 months ago. I realized he was an emotional abuser. If we stayed together, it surely would have gotten physical eventually. Sadly, I have done this backwards and gotten over him while still staying with him. The only “good” thing about that is that I’m very calm now that he’s left. I feel relieved! It’s like I mourned this whole time and now I’m cried out. I still have my moments but I’m not on the floor doing Munch’s scream anymore! I’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’ – and it’s not coming back. THANK GOD!
Hey Fearless, I hope you are doing better today. After reading BR for about 8 months now, I think I’ve figured out how to spot an AC/EUM: When you are left scratching your head thinking WTF, who does that?
Bri and all the former OW’s, like Fearless, it is difficult to wrap my head around who I imagined him to be and who he actually is. I started writing that section of the Unsent Letter yesterday and the difference is striking. Bri, by the time he comes slithering back around (if he does), you will have the strength to reject him and his lying, decietful ways. MM’s are liars. Of course, that is not to diminish my role as a former OW.
Amazing Grace, you are amazing. “Like they say in the mafia (allegedly) before they shoot you in the head “it’s not personal”. But no-one likes to be rejected or shot in the head so best avoid it.” Breaking NC and sucking it and seeing is like being shot in the head.
Fearless and Natasha (and all of you!), sending some e-love to you. Fearless – I can relate to how that feels, that sense of being somehow tricked again, even though he was just being, as Grace says in her usual, perfect way, his useless, selfish self. It’s a shame that there is not an indicative relationship between professional success and good relationship habits – in fact, if there’s any, it’s an inverse one! You’re right, it’s Fantasy Man. I have been out with Fantasy Man before. Awful.
Natasha – Can too see how you felt insulted by AC’s phonecall. What an ego this guy has! He just can’t handle being invisible to you. But, of course, once you’re vulnerable again, he will play up. It’s just a control/validation test! You sound like you dealt with it perfectly, no matter what the emotional lag was. Keep going forward!
As for me, I’ve had a rough few days in light of this rejection issue. My father, in an argument, said, directly (for the first time) that he finds, and has always found, me difficult to get along with, and that it had been his cross to bear in life (but that he just has to live with it). I can’t really express the full weight of this because it’s tied up with many horrible events, and was accompanied by signs of rage, then this kind of martyr-coldness. As if that weren’t enough, despite my best efforts, this then spills over to me having real difficulties with new man this weekend. He was sharp with me, about something that was fair for him, but unfair for me (and we recognised this). Nothing too dramatic happened, on the outside, but there’s such a big part of me that now wants to terminate the relationship because I can’t really afford to risk someone mistreating me. I am finding it really hard to resolve things – on the one hand, it feels easier just to switch off and leave than deal with someone having those angry-man qualities (however much he manages them 95% of the time), and then I feel like some of my power is warped because I can’t entirely tell what is about him and what is family stuff. Holding onto my a sense that I would leave a bad relationship and could cope with that – but this really does suck, having this sense of needing to be able to bail, and possibly over-reacting to threats (but possibly not – maybe he was genuinely being crap?!). Watchful and a little wounded
Elle, thank you for the e-love and I’m sending lots back to you! I’m so sorry your father said that – parents can come out with some real crackerjack statements at times. I highly doubt that’s how he really feels about you. My mother said something similar to me a few years ago when we were having an argument, but at the end of the day, even if they are annoyed with us for some reason at the time, they still love us! In any event, he owes you an apology – that was a shitty thing to say. As far as the new guy goes, I would take a deep breath and try to relax – talk about easier said than done. I know that when I’m not getting along with someone in my family, I am much less objective in my other relationships! Is there something specific he said that upset you? Was it a one-off or part of a bigger pattern? I think we ALL deal with the urge to flee when we sense rejection, mainly because we failed to flee soon enough in our previous relationships!
Hey Elle. What an unpleasant episode to experience with your father. I think the main thing to temper it with is the fact that it was 1) said in an argument and 2) his perspective which may not be entirely emotionally honest never mind honest. It positions him as being a ‘poor poor father’ with a difficult child and absolves himself of any contribution. It doesn’t sound like he’s easy either. So all I can tell you from personal experience and from the many similar tales I hear is that with parents like this, a ‘conversation’ like this was always on the cards. It’s like years of built up frustration. My mother told me that I’d been difficult from when I was a baby in the cot and chose my father and ‘everyone else’ over her. As a baby. I actually burst out laughing and then felt crashing hurt. These ‘conversations’ are designed to make it sound like you would’ve been treated better…if you weren’t so difficult or whatever.
Here’s the thing – your parents are supposed to love and nurture you. I’m not saying they’re not infallible because lord knows they fuck up, but you can’t just go “Ah sod it. She doesn’t jump to my beat/is a bit too clever/needs a bit more time and effort than I’m used to doing/doesn’t think the sun shines out of my arse – shag it, I’ll just opt out of being a parent”
Don’t give him your power. When you stop looking for his approval and love and basically expecting him to be different to what he’s always been, is when you can exhale and just let things be. I refuse to have these types of conversations anymore – my last one was April ’10. You remind him where’s he’s let you down – remember that before you put the responsibility for his actions on your back and carry it around with you.
Re your fella, I’d be careful of doing anything ‘rash’ especially with the two events so close. Be sure you’re seeing and dealing with each one separately. People do get angry – you do, I do, everyone does. It’s what type of anger and how it resolves itself out. It’s impossible to avoid conflict in a relationship. I don’t know what the nature of the argument was or what went down, but as someone who has previously been hypersensitive to anger or ‘criticism’, it’s important to recognise that arguments happen and that a raised voice doesn’t mean you’re 7 again having something ‘bad’ happen to you. My M.O. was to bail at arguments. 5 years ago I made a promise to myself to grow up and learn to argue and experience conflict maturely. I’ve stuck to it. There is also nothing wrong with saying ‘Er, easy now on the shouting. Time out.’ or whatever. You have to decide if this is a bad relationship and if it is, get out.
Thanks for your encouragement Elle. I’d like to offer you some decent advice – but Nat’s is as good as it gets! I agree also with Natasha – if he has been a good dad wo hasn’t been a hurtful bugger since day dot then it’s just a blip.
My mother always said that she loves all her children dearly but she did not always like them. And no wonder, I say! Lol. Our parents are just people who get along better with some people than with others. The good ones love their children, and also the children they don’t always get along with when they grow up (I don’t believe any parent should say a baby or a child was “difficult” or selfish, like Nat’s story – and blame it on the baby or the child – that’s just daft! The adult is the adult and should take the adult role) I have always known that both my mum and dad got along with my first younger sister much better then they did with me – much better (as teenagers and grown-ups, I mean). I was the quiet, serious one who read a lot of books and she was the ‘fun’ person! (ha! but I was the good-lookin sister! lol). I would sometimes feel a twinge of hurt when I knew they preferred her company to mine – especially my dad did – that they really liked her better – but I also always reminded myself that they did not love her more – we were all loved the same – all loved if not always liked! So I was also loved very dearly, they just got along better as people with my sister than with me. I don’t know if that helps.
Thanks again, ladies – as ever, great and generous advice. I am afraid to say that my father’s comments were a response to me trying to apologise (the next day) and the scene is far more like Natalie’s with her mother (ie he has this idea that I have somehow victimised him since birth). Certainly no apology on the horizon – in fact, when I saw him a couple of days ago, he had that giddy, gleeful tone as if he’d finally got to say what he’d been wanting to say to me. Anyway, I am not taking it as I might have a decade ago, and certainly not since the AC experience (crawling from that trench has been good training for all sorts of things!). So, yes, I just have to avoid the ‘conversations’ and carry on. As for new man, he has his own family stuff – stuff you can’t know about during the first weeks of a relationship – and he was reacting sharply to me asking him about it. He’s very touchy about it, and I know this issue has been cause for serious problems in his romantic life. I see this as an amber flag. I am going to leave it til I feel a little more robust, and then see if we can have a calm talk about it because there can’t be this whole area of his life that is off-limits for me and a source of anger for him. But I can see now that I have to be gentle and see myself outside it, rather than mixing all the feelings and meanings together. And you’re very right about being able to cope with anger and fighting – in the past, I have either been with passive super-gently guys or horribly angry ones – so my skills are a little skewed. Finally, yes, will opt-out if it’s simply not working (ie making me feel bad and out of touch with my values), for good reasons. But not yet.
Elle, my aunt is the female version of your Dad, so I’ve seen what you’re talking about. In the case of my aunt, she really does love my cousin, her only child, she’s just so dysfunctional that she can’t express it normally. The stuff that she does isn’t just confined to that relationship – she can’t relate normally to anyone in the family. When we were little, she used to tell me I was her favorite niece, because for who knows what reason she didn’t like my sister. 20-something years later, she still doesn’t and no one has a clue why! She was so nasty to her that my mother had to basically cut her out of our lives – it’s so sad all around. What my cousin does with her is to take the good parts of her relationship with her mother and let the bad parts roll off her back as best she can. Please pardon the extended Natasha Family Anecdote – I figured one more reminder that you’re not alone in this couldn’t hurt! As far as the challenge with the new guy goes, I think you’re right on with how you’re handling it. Keep being awesome
Grace, Fearless, Runnergirl and others,
Your insight is so valuable to me as women who have been in my position. I read your words and know that I am not anywhere close to where you are, but you are examples that it does get better. After the five days of NC when he approached me in the parking lot, I thought it would make me feel better to tell him that I hoped he’d come back to me – WRONG. I cried for two hours in my car as soon as the conversation ended.
I seem to hold onto the notion that if he would “take me back”, I’d at least still have the peace of mind of having hope that he’d leave his wife one day…but the two years we were together, I didn’t have peace of mind. Fearless, like you I am trouble separating the beautiful image of him I had in my head for so long and who he is in reality. I still have that “if only we could be together, everything would be okay” notion in my head, because I’m in withdrawal – he really is a drug to me, and my body is reacting to his absence.
This hurts more than anything I could have ever imagined, but I know that if I can get through it the way you ladies have, I’ll come out on the other side stronger and, more importantly, happier. I just have to shake my longing to be with him again, because unfortunately I’m still in the place where I’d take him back if given the opportunity – and that scares me.
You all are right – I have no boundaries and I’ve struggled with self-esteem issues my entire life. Daddy issues, mommy issues, abusive exboyfriend issues. The crying, the anxiety attacks, the sadness and feeling worthless have made me feel dead inside.
Thank you for your words, and I know I’ll need them many more times in the coming weeks/months. I rely on this blog and the stories of all of you to get me through the day – I don’t know how I’d be cop ing without them.
Bri,
your experience is similar to all of us recovering from EUMs and ACs – it’s really the same deal: he is unavailable. But he would like to keep you as an option. If you tell him your happy to accept the relationship/affair on his terms (forever secret and clandestine) he’ll happily oblige! Beieve me. He just doesn’t’ want the hassle of a moaner and groaner who is expecting too much of him – like leaving his wife or actually providing you with a real relationship. Be aware of him mangaging down your expectations – you are vulnerable to that; vunerable to finding yourself in the OW position for many years. You have a lot of work to do on yourself to avoid the constant misery of ‘rejection’ that comes with the EUM/MM. I said before as well as CC that I think the key is rasing your self-esteem and being able to validate yourself. You DO deserve someone who can actually be with you without having to dump – reject – a wife and children. This is a hopeless situation, Bri – you need to dig deep to get some courage and face this awful problem head on. Start thinking with your head. He is NOT that special! you are NOT this desperate! You have your value with or without him or his hopeless affair! Stay as far away from him as possible. You need to get out of the fog before you can get some clarity to work with. Every day you pine for him is a day you reject yourself, your own life and your own potential to have a fulfilling life. This helps me – I get angry now when I have any kind of ‘relapse’ (I have lost yesterday and today to a “relapse”) – I am upset about it cos I know I am allowing him to rob me of some more of my life – even if it’s just one day! Cos that’s one a day I will never get back – and it’s one day that I could have enjoyed, been content, productive, cheerful and enjoying the company of friends or family or happily out and about in the garden, or lolling around enjoying the rare sunshine we had here today with a nice glass of wine and my book instead of mulling around like I was sick or something, achieving nothing and feeling like shit! We don’t just reject ourselves when we give them our time and energy and emotions, we reject and neglect our own lives. I reclaim mine as of right now. Tomorrow belongs to me!
“Every day you pine for him is a day you reject yourself, your own life and your own potential to have a fulfilling life.” Amen to that. I have gotten more done in the last two and a half weeks since the fog lifted and I went NC than I have in ages. And I don’t mean just getting chores done. But honestly looking at myself and finally getting it and doing the journaling and reading to begin the process of change. All of what you say, Fearless, is spot on. I lost my last Thursday night to a spell of crying/mourning the “loss” of the physical intimacy the MM and I had for six years. But the next morning, bleary eyed and looking like sh*t, I got onto this site and through reading, gave myself a good slap upside the head. Reading here helps me to VALIDATE MYSELF and my decision to go NC. I see now my part in this “sickness” and it’s down to me to heal myself, not reject myself. At 48 years old, I don’t have any more time to waste. Better, as you say, to do the work on myself, and also enjoy life! Action is key. I hit the gym hard yesterday. I’ve been cleaning the house. I’ve been writing. I’ve been cuddling with the cat. And cooking myself nutritious meals. So much better than pining for a “connection” of “love” that existed only in my head, despite the great sex. In the end, (and all along), he was a selfish, lying cheater. And I, with no boundaries and fuzzy values, made that choice. No more!
fearless
exactly. the main reason these EUs sniff around after a break up is to see if they can get something from us on “reduced” terms- eg “just friends”, FWB, booty call, someone to sympathise with their wailing, or whatever crazy arrangement they can wring out of us.
“Surely she must understand by now that I WON’T leave my wife and kids/commit/give up other women/be monogomous/pay my own way. Now that she’s missing me and desperate I can go back and get something for nothing. Worth a try”.
Hey Bri and others,
In my experience, Grace’s comments with regards to boundaries is spot on as usual. My newly established Boundary No. 1: No married men, no men attached, separated, or otherwise involved with another woman (or man). It occured to me after reading Natalie’s “Getting to Grips with Values” (great BTW), core values (not common interests) act in correlation with boundaries. Core Value No. 1: Honesty. Thus, Boundary No. 1 plus Core Value No. 1 ought to add up to 2, right?
Hi Bri and others,
I get the pain, the physical and emotional agony of separation with these attachments. I had another relapse because I don’t want to experience what NML calls, “rejection, rejection”. Over 3 years with a man who told me a few months ago, “it just wasn’t quite there for me” and I found a way to make it okay to hook up with him again. This time after regular contact he just disappeared without one word leaving me with this silence. I am sure he is with someone he actually wants to be with, feeding somewhere else. I find myself feeling incredulous even though he has hurt me so many times in the past (but never just disappeared without a word). I am still stuck on how he never wanted to be my boyfriend but has signed up for others and even cut me off to pursue one. It makes me feel different from many of the other situations people talk about here because I can whack myself over the head with the notion that he wasn’t EU, just disinterested in me, proof positive that I am ‘not up to standard’. Somehow, this cycle of self abuse feels better than the big uncertain chasm that is my future without him. All that to say I found this book that might be helpful to others here called, How to Break You Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern. He addresses the horrible withdrawal from bad relationships because of attachment issues.
I just wish I felt more hopeful about being able to actually attract someone I would actually date (can string a sentence together, doesn’t act like a horny 18 year old, doesn’t have breath so bad I can smell it across the table i.e. the last 3 guys I went out with). I don’t know about others, but that is partly why I am scared to let go…the prospects feel so bleak. Right now he hasn’t given me a choice because he left but should he come back, I don’t think I could resist. I don’t think I want to. I want to want to but some people feel like it would be better to be alone than be with someone you don’t like or who doesn’t like you. I don’t feel that way. I feel like I have dated for so many years now and the men that like me are not appealing for some of the reasons I mentioned above and then there is the guy I speak of her who isn’t attracted enough to me but I am to him…either way I am compromising, me feeling less, them feeling less or being alone. Sometimes I wonder what…
Lisa I’m sorry to hear of what has happened although admittedly unsurprised as I guessed this is where you had been. In simple terms, the reason why a man like this doesn’t ‘choose’ you is because he doesn’t *have* to. You’ve made it clear repeatedly over 3 years that you’re ok being an option. When he isn’t with you and he treats you badly, you’re still an option and still yapping at his heels trying to get him to choose you – there’s nothing to choose as you’re there regardless. And the fact is, if you want to get into the semantics of it all – he has ‘chosen’ you repeatedly – you’re the chosen one to fall back on.
What you don’t realise is that each fall back is a test of your worth – he’d only really recognise how valuable a person he has mistreated for 3 years was when she stopped giving him the time of day and was no longer an option.
As I’ve said to you before, I’m not here to convince you Lisa and I know that a gazillion people could share their experiences and point out how awful his actions are and your own treatment of yourself but you’re not interested because you insist on not only making his actions about you but separating yourself from ‘everyone’ and determining that you’re a special case of worthlessness. Everything that you participate in and tell yourself about love, relationships and yourself are what you use as justifications for continuing as you are. Everything that happens no matter how much evidence that there is of 1) the other persons character and 2) it not being anything to do with you, you make it about you.
You don’t want me (or anyone) to say what a shit he is etc – you want someone to say ‘Yes Lisa it’s all your fault.’
It is laughable that you’re worried about not being up to standard for a cretin which shows just how low you’re aiming.
I only hope that one day you look up long enough from the self hatred and start treating *you* like someone that’s valuable and worthwhile.
NML
“special case of worthlessness”. Love it. It’s weird but lots of men and women (addicts, fallback girls, the suicidal) would rather be a special case than just plain ordinary. Been there myself.
Lisa, please dig yourself out of your pit and join the rest of us.
You’re not so far gone that the solutions which work for everyone else won’t work for you.
Unless you’ve killed someone?
Hi Nat,
I think you are so wise and I appreciate the time you take to respond thoughtfully to comments. I try to take in what is said on this blog and do feel like I have learned a lot. I struggle to make changes but I don’t think I am exactly the same as when I landed at BR. It is a fabulous place that you have created here. I am trying to understand why it has been hard for me to take in your response to me and I am wondering if you can help me with that. I know you aren’t here to convince me but I do want to try and understand this in a way that isn’t so painful (like your explanation) but what I don’t get is when I think about never making him choose because I was always there, I don’t think that acknowledges that if he wasn’t into me (wasn’t attracted enough at beginning or didn’t feel the right chemistry), he wouldn’t choose me for a relationship no matter what I did or didn’t do and that is where the pain and rejection lie. Don’t get me wrong, I know you can teach someone how to treat you or turn them off with neediness but usually I don’t act insecure unless I feel insecure and he made me feel that way pretty soon in because he acted the way someone does when they aren’t that into you. The fact that I pursued anyway is indicative of my issues and resulted in more rejection and his treatment does say stuff about his character but the underlying pain is around him not wanting me. Me knowing that he has introduced others to his friends, loved others, chased others but not me…in knowing that my friend is his type (he told me she was hot), she is prettier than me and has the body type he likes and that it might have gone differently if he met her instead of me. This is what I just can’t kick my ass past and why I keep protesting responses…I want to believe it wasn’t about me, it would feel better but I wasn’t what he wanted. I feel like it’s just a case of unrequited love with a douchebag.
Lisa, hard as it may be to hear, it’s an over statement of the obvious that you weren’t who he wanted. But the fact that you claim to have “unrequited love with a douchebag” and that you have always known that he’s “just not that into you” answers your own question. I’m not sure what you want Lisa. What is it that you want?
It’s not like you have come here and said “I met this amazing guy with umpteen great qualities but he wasn’t interested and he went on with his life and ever since, I’ve been devastated by the fact that he didn’t want me. He really was such a great guy”. No Lisa. You’re here trying to rationalise “I met an asshole three years ago, who pretty quickly revealed himself to be an asshole and treated me in a less than manner. He obviously wasn’t that into me although to be fair, it’s not like being a decent person in a decent relationship is on his agenda anyway and even if he *had* wanted to be with me, he would still have been an asshole *anyway*. Once he decided that I wasn’t the one for him, he didn’t move on completely and instead kept me in the background to use and abuse, although to be fair, I made myself available for it and chased him down and even when he moved on and claimed to be in love and asked me for advice, I sat there chit chatting to him and then took him back *again* only for him to disappear.”
“what I don’t get is when I think about never making him choose because I was always there, I don’t think that acknowledges that if he wasn’t into me (wasn’t attracted enough at beginning or didn’t feel the right chemistry), he wouldn’t choose me for a relationship no matter what I did or didn’t do and that is where the pain and rejection lie.”
Where are these ‘others’ Lisa? If these people are so fantastic, why isn’t he with them? Where are these people who he has introduced to his friends? Where are these people that he’s chased? Where are these people that he’s ‘loved’? Do you even know what that means?! Why has he been sleeping with/around you if these people are oh so special? Why, when he said he was in love *to* you only three weeks after you broke up, were you able to get back together afterwards and then have him disappear again? Where is that love now? If your friend is his type or he has a type, why isn’t he with it? He has met her and he’s not exactly citizen of the year – if he wanted to have a crack at her, I’m sure he would have done.
He was never ‘choosing’ you for a relationship. He hasn’t ‘chosen’ anyone for a relationship otherwise he would have been in and *stayed* in one.
You could have been different, you still wouldn’t have had a relationship with him. This is evidenced by the fact that this prize of a man is not in a relationship, hasn’t held down a relationship, isn’t with any of these people you overvalue so much and is in fact a twat. He might have behaved slightly better but that’s like me saying that a man that beats his girlfriend wouldn’t have done it if he were more attracted or felt the right chemistry or she had more self-respect – she wouldn’t be there and he’d still be a beater; he’d just be beating someone else.
You still wouldn’t have had a relationship. This would also have been over three years ago if you had been different because you like any other self-respecting person would have realised he was a jackass and that he wasn’t interested and WALKED.
You do not want to believe it wasn’t about you. I don’t believe that for even two seconds. I’ll believe that when I read it. Actions speak louder than words – every comment you’ve made has been variations of “I refuse to believe it isn’t me” even after being away from the site. You don’t ‘get’ what I or anyone else has said to you because it doesn’t suit your agenda. That’s OK because you have to live your life and make your choices. Some people are ready to look at things differently, to let things go, to fight for themselves, to change, to end the pattern, to stop analysing the crap out of other people’s shitty behaviour and be accountable for their own. You are not there yet. Hopefully one day you will be.
Lisa, listen to what Nat is telling you. When I was in the early days of NC and very busy denying the reality of who and what I’d been involved with, I posted something along the lines of, “But I think he was so much nicer to his exes!”. One of the ladies, who I am beyond eternally grateful to, said something that became my “light bulb moment”. What she said boiled down to (pardon the paraphrasing), “He has no empathy for you, he’s a crappy person. If it was so great with his exes, where are these women now? I hope they are not all sitting around wondering why he does what he does.” When I read that, it was like….BINGO! I still have my wobbly times where I cringe that I let a bunch of bs go on for so long, but what this lovely woman said to me became the catalyst for a whole new way of life. Let this be your light bulb moment.
I am daft because when you were saying things about his character (and it not having anything to do with me), I thought you were saying that it wasn’t that he wasn’t into me, it was that he was an asshole. I guess you had already known the first part and were trying to explain the second. Thanks for your response.
Lisa,
I feel for you and am not a millions miles away from the feelings you have described- though I am getting through them now and once where there was a tunnel I can now see a bright and life-giving light.
I want to look at this statement you made:
“I want to want to but some people feel like it would be better to be alone than be with someone you don’t like or who doesn’t like you. I don’t feel that way.”
I spent years and years rationlising and minimising and convincing myself that a barely there on again, off again relationship was better than being alone – better than nothing. I really did think it was better than the alternative, whatever that was – stupid men with bad breath – or whatever else that was also not going to be any use to me.
Yep, I thought, there’s nothing better out there anyway. I was certain I was right. Now I think, well, maybe I will never meet anyone I want to be with and maybe I will. But I know there’s one thing out there that is better than a barely there, on/off, non-commital crap relationship: ME. I am out there.
And so are you.
Ask yourself this: in all honesty, how *not alone* have you actually been while you’ve been involved with this man?
What I came to understand is that I was way more “alone” in the barely there, half in/ half out, on again/off again relationship than I am now that I am officially “alone”, now that he is no more. When you find yourself, you won’t be alone; you’ll be getting you and *your* life back. All these men have for you is “aloneness”. There is no togetherness in relationships where one or t’other is not really in it. You are more *alone* in these relationships than you ever are by yourself becaue there is no true connection. These relationships are inherently lonely and isolating. If that’s the kind of *not alone* you can convince yourself about you maybe as well get a cardboard cut out of George Clooney and be not alone with that (lol!). Seriously though, try not to connect a man that you can stand to be around or who can stand to be around you as being “not alone”. Try to connectwith yourself. Discover yourself and see how fab you are and everything else will take on a whole different hue and will take on something very important – potential for better.
Thank you for your responses everyone. “Special case of worthlessness”…yup, that about covers how I feel about myself. It was a short relapse with him, I was alone for a bit, then dated a few guys and then returned to the pains source. This book that I referred to earlier in my post talks a lot about Attachment Hunger that stems from childhood. It is putting into words the agony that accompanies some people with being “alone” and prevents them from ending a bad relationship…even an attachment to a assclown feels better to me than how invisible and worthless I feel without him. It’s such a weird contradiction about how I feel beautiful and visible when he is on my couch but overall worthless because he never wanted me to be his girlfriend. I guess I never felt it would matter if I had boundaries (made him choose) and he validated that when he told me it wasn’t quite there for him. I had the sense pretty early on that if I expected anything from him, he would walk and I didn’t want him to. I always felt I was the one who would be missing out. Anytime I tried to lay down the law, he would walk (even at the beginning when he didn’t know he could come back). Like he said, I don’t think he was ever that into me or at least not enough to date me but I didn’t and don’t want to accept it. I know it’s a short term vs. long term kinda thing and that you are right, the work is not going to lost on me if I can bare the pain of moving through it. It’s a deeper more primal pain in the short term than the bittersweet pain of obsessing about HIM.
hi, I just wanted to add a comment here on the subject of the books out there on what is essentially being framed as love or romance addiction, codependence, and programs to deal with these. I’ve read every single one of them, and every other relationship/he’s-just-not-into-you/get-your-ex-back/after-the-breakup thing on the shelf of barnes&noble. I also joined an actual support group for a couple months, where the philosophy adhered to was that we were all helpless love addicts, and that it was “our disease” that caused the withdrawal. I never bought into it for a moment. maybe it works for some people. hey, I wish them only the best, and don’t want to disparage anything that exists to help people in pain. I think there are people who do have anxiety, obsessive, and other disorders related to relationships, and they really need help. but I am so thankful that someone pointed me to Baggage Reclaim, because for my money, *this* is the way to go! instead of agreeing I had no control over changing my emotional state, something in the tone here right away made me feel I *could* get over it. a lightbulb did go on: I had to get to the bottom of whatever caused 25+ years of EU relationships, I needed an explanation for what the hell that was, and to deal with my grief without succumbing to some sort of victim-mentality I didn’t believe in. it’s up to *me* to take the responsibility for my well-being. the power is within *me* to change my EUMmagnet-superpowers into Truly Available Woman, who can leap over tall buildings of A**clowns faster than a speeding bullet, etc. I’m not there yet, but for the first time ever, I fully expect to reach my goal: that I will not get demolished in the future if someone rejects me romantically. that’s an exciting thought!
anoosh
I agree that there’s a danger of “over-medicalising” our problems. I’ve known “alcoholics” who have been sober for 20+ years who still refer to themselves as alcholics and see themselves as basket cases (to put it bluntly). That would be like me constantly referring to myself as a recovering fallback girl. I’m not, I’m am absolutely not that woman anymore!
Life’s tough enough without us victimising ourselves.
Lisa
I see you are very stuck. Try this theory for size:
“The only reason I like him is because he rejects me”.
Him being an AC is not about you . What IS about you? You picked him. And when he turned out to be, surprise, surprise, an AC you wanted him even more.
I’m the control experiment – I was happier out of a relationship than in one. I preferred long distance relationhips cos I got to spend more time alone. HOWEVER, I still ended up with EUMs/ACs. Why? Because a) I could NOT STAND being rejected but b) I always ended up in rejection-situations because of my compulsion to “win”. Rejection sparked my interest (to say the least). A man just liking me for myself without any drama absolutely did not.
Lisa – the couples you know in healthy happy relationships do not parkate in this nonsense gameplaying (for that is what it is, however, you dress it up). You need to give it up.
Lisa,
I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. When I look at the guys who have been interested in me in the past two years – while I’ve been in love with the MM – they barely register for me. It’s not even little things I can pick out about their character or looks, I just don’t feel it…so I get it.
But I also know that we have to give ourselves some breathing room – we are both clearly knee deep in feelings for someone else (both of whom don’t treat us the way we should be treated, nor do we get anything close to what we need from them), so we’re not open to falling for someone else. It’s not fair to the other guys out there or to ourselves to expect to have feelings for someone else when our hearts are elsewhere. That space is currently filled, and that’s okay, but we have to recognize what that means for the meantime.
Like you, I’m in withdrawal from my ex…I miss him, I need him to feel complete, and my mind and body are all out of whack without him. I too have the feeling of “if he’d only come back, even if he gave me crumbs again and put me through the same anxiety and tears and longing as before, at least I’d have him more than I do now…at least it’s better than nothing.” And right now, that might be true…but if we can move past these toxic relationships and can let go of these feelings, we will be open to someone else who can fulfill us completely. We obviously haven’t met that person yet, but I can’t give up hope that one day I’ll be sitting in a coffee shop, maybe even reading this site, and a man will sit down beside me and I’ll get butterflies, just like I did with the MM.
But I know that I have to give myself this grieving time and let myself cry and miss him and maybe even relapse on NC. One of my favorite sayings is, “You haven’t had enough until you’ve had enough…and if you’re still there, you haven’t had enough.” If you’re not there yet, it’s okay – there’s no set timeline, and we learn through our own pain. Just know that you’re not alone, as I’m in the same place as you…even though I know it’s not healthy, I want him back more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. I hope we can both move past this place, and one day look back on these posts and reflect on how far we’ve come.
“But I know that I have to give myself this grieving time and let myself cry and miss him and maybe even relapse on NC.”
Bri, I absolutely agree about giving yourself the time and space to heal and grieve the end of the relationship. I would, however, be really careful about giving yourself “permission” to relapse on NC. I read in Mr. Unavailable and The Fallback Girl (if you don’t have it, get it – it’s really and truly amazing) that part of what keeps Fallback Girls in Fallback Mode is “rendering ourselves hopeless”., i.e. “I’m not entirely sure I’ll be able to stay NC, so I’m going to expect to perhaps relapse.” I think it would be much better for you to say, “Even though NC won’t be easy, I KNOW I have it in me to make better choices! Plus, this jackass just isn’t special enough for me to waste my precious time speaking to.” Give yourself more credit – I know you are hurting now, but I also think you’re a very intelligent lady who obviously has a lot going for her. I know how hard it is, as I was in a 5 year boomerang debacle with an unmarried, but awful AC. Talk yourself up and believe that you can do it!! *Hugs*
Thanks Bri. I know what you mean about feeling like you might need to hit “rock bottom” before you can really walk away but I also hear what Natasha is saying about giving yourself permission on some level by expecting to relapse in order to feel fed up. I keep telling myself “I guess I haven’t had enough yet” and my therapist once told me that I am letting myself off the hook by saying this. But I guess all the wisdom and advice in the world won’t help if you are not commited to yourself and making changes. For me, it’s the avoidance of the short term (which I don’t feel will be that short) pain vs. the potential long term gain (which I don’t think I have totally bought into). For me, I believe that there have been times over the last three years where I have been in different head spaces and would have loved to have met someone else and felt open to it, it just didn’t happen. The withdrawal is hard…I am finding the silence unbearable at times. I am fighting the frequent urge to reach out to him AGAIN to plead with him and attempt to appeal to that part of him that is humane to acknowledge my existence (I just can’t accept that anyone could be that heartless so there must be a way I can get through to him). I also see that I am unable/unwilling to accept that despite what the facts say, that he did not care about me at all. I keep thinking indignantly, “how could you just walk away and pretend I am dead after 3 years? You are finished with me/onto someone else so now you just leave with no word, goodbye, explanation and you ignore my attempts to contact?” I am begging someone to care about me…that’s where I have gotten to. What would hitting bottom be if this isn’t it? Scary question.
Just another thought about the origins of these hurtful attachments. As I was thinking about pleading with HIM to acknowledge me and wondering and feeling this agonizing feeling attached to the question of “how could you have spent all this time with me, slept with me, eaten with me, cried with me etc. and not care enough to just say that you are moving on or not care about me period?” It made me think of how ineffectual I felt with my mother. I remember feeling like I couldn’t get her to react to me the way I wanted and/or needed her to. It made me feel hard to love and easy to dismiss. It feels similar to my current situation…a little girl saying, “why don’t you love me”? “why can’t I get through to you. you are my mom, I am supposed to be able to melt your heart” but I never could. I am just connecting this now…the memory of my mom being mad at me when I was young and me putting on my red fuzzy bathrobe and grabbing my teddy bear and walking in front of her in hopes my looking cute would make her not be mad at me anymore. But she looked up for a minute and then looked down at her paper again. It’s like the weight loss and the new pants and the hair extensions…maybe he’ll love me now. Intellectually, I know I can’t heal it through any man let alone this unlikely source and I am playing out this drama but emotionally I feel this compulsion to continue.
Lisa, Bri
I don’t think you should allow yourself to hit rock bottom. Rock bottom is where Amy Winehouse and Marilyn Monroe ended up.
While i understand that breakup hurts, don’t completely give into it. You can feel the pain and mourn the loss without throwing yourself off a cliff (figuratively or metaphorically). It’s a break up. Millions have gone through it, are going through it and will go through it and move one. No-one’s died.
There is a certain attraction to feeling a lot of pain, and feeling more pain than other people (“I’m so sensitive!) but you can be a sensitive, empathetic, sympathetic, caring person without having to drag yourself through the gutter of self-loathing and despair.
Lisa,
I’m in the same spot. I fight the incredible urge every day to try and somehow get him back. And I too feel like it’s only been 12 days since my breakup with the MM but that’s already longer than I ever wanted to feel this way. What does “short-term” even mean? How do I know that going through this pain now will benefit me in the future? How can something good come from feeling this badly?
The silence is the hardest part; not only does not talking to the person I love, the person I talked to almost every day for two years, make me feel like my whole world has shifted and I miss him so much, but it also makes me feel like he’s okay without me after he told me he’d never be happy again because I was the only person to ever bring him joy.
You are not alone, I know how you feel and it’s awful – I hope for both of us we can get out of this space and one day, if and when they come back, we can tell them to get lost.
Lisa, that book by Howard Halpern is excellent. It cracked my head open (figuratively speaking), but I finally didn’t *get it* about myself until yesterday when I read Pia Mellody’s “Facing Co-dependence.” I have read Melody Beattie’s books on Co-dependence and they are good, but Pia Mellody’s reaches right into the heart of it for me. Might be of some interest to you, as well. Feeling unworthy (low self-esteem), little or no boundaries, not owning reality, not knowing or being able to distinguish between needs and wants, and the extremes of emotion are the core aspects Pia writes about (as does NML, brilliantly!). I now see how these core aspects have resulted in a rejection of myself. Pia writes a lot about the childhood origins of these core aspects and it can be an overwhelming read, but I found it very apt, and it made the ideas in Halpern’s book make more sense at a gut level. Good luck to you.
Thank you Adrienne. I will check it out.
Anoosh,
I agree that there should be some caution about over pathologizing our relationship issues and falling into a victim or hopeless/helpless role (all things that I can do rather than take action). I did just want to say that the Halpern book I talk about does not take anyone off the hook from taking action in their life but seeks to explain why the attraction is there and why it hurts so much but he says, that once you realize what it is and why it’s there you can coach yourself to move away from it.
Hi Bri,
When I read what you wrote, I have had a lot of the same feelings and thoughts and I remember people saying things like “it’s always the darkest before dawn”. Someone also described the loss of love as a “dark night of the soul”. These things change us and if we do the work, likely for the better. I know it barely puts a dent in the agony and it does feel like agony. Some people talk about taking it one day at a time or even one moment at a time. When you feel really alone or scared or isolated from the pain, it can sometimes be helpful to draw strength from the idea that there are others (like me) who get it and are somewhere else in the world trying to get through their day. I thought of you today and I knew that I wasn’t alone in this pain. I know, it sucks but hopefully this will be of some comfort.
Hi Lisa — I’m familiar w/the HH book, in fact my copy of it is from the 80′s, I believe! I think someone passed it on to me in the mid 90′s, during a painful breakup within the most serious relationship I’ve ever had in my life. also, someone recently gave me the Pia Mellody one called Facing Love Addiction. there are absolutely worthwhile concepts in both, and have given lots of food for thought. in the latter, there is a description of the dynamic between the Love Addict/”Love Avoidant” that rang alotta bells for me. whatever helps people to unhook themselves from unhealthy relationships and create new patterns, I’m happy for those things. however, I can only speak for myself, dating seriously for 25+ years (!), and none of the self-help books ever gave the kind of breakthroughs I’ve been experiencing on Baggage Reclaim the past 4 months. I think Natalie has struck something like gold, and I’m finding each week that goes by I’m *getting it* more & more. I don’t think I will ever be able to delude myself ever again about any man — or friendship for that matter, a number of which are under my review at the moment.
I’m grieving the end of a 7-8 year affair . I haven’t seem him for a year and we kept in touch up until a month ago by phone and texts (mainly). I’m finding it hard to move on.
The thing that’s confusing me is I was married twice and both husbands left me for their ‘mistresses’. My first husband left after a 3 year marriage for a female at his work. They were together for 15 years and had a child. My second husband left me and my 7 year old daughter after 9 years of being together- it turned out she had even a 5 year old child to him. Sixteen years later and they’re still together. I was devastated after both divorces But ,when I looked around some of my friends also experienced being left for other women -the divorce courts are full of cases of adultery and people meeting someone else thed prefer to be with. So I suppose what I’m saying is it isn’t always black and white that men/women wont leave who they are with if they meet someone they fall more in love with. According to the comments here Ive been ‘shafted’ and I’m ‘selfish’. However I had some of my happiest times with my MM. His children from his first wife were grown up so that wasn’t exactly an issue. I never thought I would have an affair and be a ‘mistress’ and I regret very much that his wife was hurt. Yet I don’t totally regret falling in love with him .
It just seems like you really cant have total guarantees – life can be messy-and you cant be complacent even if your’e married and have a child. Your’e boundaries and values can…
Layla
I hear what you’re saying and yes life can be messy and sometimes he will leave his wife. But in my experience (yes a man did leave his wife for me unfortunately) it happens quickly, I would say within three to six months. Seven to eight years is out of the ballpark. In Bri’s case – two years is entirely too much, especially for a young woman. Time just passes slower when you’re young.
Reading your comment, what strikes me isn’t “Cool, men do leave their wives for other women” but “Poor Layla, two duds and now a third dud”. It’s not your fault that these men have proven to be unreliable but the way out of your predicament isn’t to throw your lot in with dubious beliefs but to understand that the best chance two people have is when they are both single and looking for a proper relationship. It’s taken me a long time to get that but finally I have.
If you remain in contact with this man you won’t get over him. And it’s best if you don’t know what happens after the breakup. If you can avoid it, it’s best not to know if he got married had kids etc. Luckily for me, I’ve moved around a lot and have no kids with the exes so I’ve no clue what happened to them and they don’t know what happened to me. It’s better that way.
And you’ve no way of knowing (I hope!) how good, bad or indifferent your exes’ marriages turned out. Though we know one got divorced. So it’s not great odds.
Thanks Grace, I really appreciate your’e comment. I realize now i’d ‘thrown my lot in with dubious values’.Practically all my life. This post and especially the comments really woke me up. I think I’m finally getting it ! I plan to be a lot wiser about choices and being aware of and standing by my boundaries in the future, (better late than never)
I agree completely with Grace on this; if he’s going to leave he’s going to do it fast, not malinger around for years saying he’ll leave and not doing it. The guy who’s going to leave is the one who decides pretty quickly that this is what he’s doing and he actually does it – soon. These are the exceptions but men don’t often have affairs cos they want to end their marriage but cos they want to have an affair. That’s my view. I’m sorry Layla if my ‘OW/selfish’ comment seemed harsh… we all have different experiences of similar situations – but after my thing with an MM I felt, eventually, that I’d been v selfish and I was ashamed of myself. I don’t speak for everyone. All the best to you.
Anyway… am sorry Nat, this is not really on topic.
Bri
I’m new to this site but have been reading every post after my recent break up/NC with MM. I just saw my therapist and she said somehting that I haven’t read on this site yet. She said MM was Emotionally Dangerous. I described everything and the parking lot incident and she pointed out that my interaction s with him send me into a tailspin and I am unable to function. It is in fact putting yourself in emotional danger to have contact because you are unable to heal and risk repeating the cycle. Evene if some men do leave for the OW, the OW still always has a little bit (or a lot) of doubt about whwther she will be left. You only see surface things, like number of years married, and not whether they have been happy and fulfilling years. Your best chance for a long-lasting, happy relationship is with someone who is not attached when you begin the relationship.
I am beginning to see my ex Mr EUM as *emotionally dangerous*. He would be appalled if I told him that! I am appalled to think that it has some truth in it. Are they really emotionally dangerous or is it that we are just emotionally pathetic?!! I don’t know the answer
hopefully not emotionally pathetic, but perhaps emotionally vulnerable. these men wouldn’t be good for even the most resilient, confident women but they wouldn’t be dangerous because these women wouldn’t give them the time of day!
I agree. I think that they are emotionally dangerous to us because we are vulnerable to them for whatever reason. I told my therapist that he was like cocaine to me and she said, “at this point, I think you’d be better off doing coke”. This is how poisonous she feels he is to me.
Michelle,
So true. Even when I told my MM, also in a parking lot (I mean seriously, how similar can these situations gets?!) that I hoped he’d come back one day, he told me that if he was ready to do so, he’d find me no matter what. Did that make me feel better? No, it actually made me feel rejected all over again because it wasn’t the answer I wanted. Like you, I went into a tailspin and cried for hours.
My therapist has told me the same thing – that maybe the OW situation works for some people, but it’s clear that I’m not one of those people. Due to my past, and past “rejections” by numerous people, I need someone I can trust 100%, who makes me their #1 priority and that will never be him. It’s hard separating your head from your heart when you’re in pain, though…
Bri
Yes, I am growing to hate that parking lot, LOL. I wish he would get a new car already so that I wouldn’t be able to tell when he’s around!
izzybell is right, I (and you also right now it seems) are emotionally vulnerable and so these men, in our situations, at this time in our lives are dangerous. When we grow more confident we will be not be affected so deeply by the MMs actions. You need to fight, really fight, for yourself and your life. Read BR whenever you think of him (it’s really helping me) and be true to yourself–you KNOW deep in your heart that you want and deserve a relationship where you are the only one.
Grace- You asked me why did I pick them. Probably because I wanted to get away from my over controlling, verbally abusive father. I’m 24 you would think that my parents would want an empty nest, but all I get is screaming and verbal abuse from them. The Only reason I haven’t left is money. And I wanted to go back to school.
Unfortunately, if you have found yourself in unavailable relationships, especially as a Fallback Girl (or guy), you have some major issues with rejection, either taking it too hard and being derailed by it, or busting a gut to ensure that you don’t experience it, even though you actually are.
I was derailed and took it very hard when my dad rejected me and I think this has kept me busting a gut with guys so I never want to feel those feelings again.
Denial plays a large part in this too because as you state when you are busting a gut to ensure you don’t experience rejection you already are but I have refused to see and feel and carried on flogging the dead horse.
I do know that not all rejection is personal and stopped taking things to the nth degree a long time ago except with romantic relationships these are my undoing, and why I make a willing fallback girl no matter what the guy has done I return.
This is why I have to start to love myself and pick myself up and carry on because there is nothing fundamentally wrong with me because people choose to end things with me just as there was nothing wrong with me when my dad made his decsion to live his life without me in it.
I remember someone said that they wanted to breakup with their parents. I would love to to this. Natalie what do you do when your own parents tell you need a man just to do anythIng?
Fed-up,
what you do is you don’t believe them! Cos it’s not true! You’re an autonomous adult. Remind your parents of that. You need your independence. Move out of their house. Find a way and do it. That’s my view for what it’s worth!
I could not have found this website at a better time. This article gave me a wake up call. I ended a one year LDR with someone who did not care about me as much as I thought he did. He used me. I don’t miss him, I don’t want to be with him, and I would be okay not talking to him even though he said we were on a break and wanted to be friends. I was upset and still am. Fast forward to last week: met a great guy, we were kissing and I told him that I was not sure if I was ready to date, he took this as rejection. I sent him a FB message telling him that I liked him and that I did not want to waste time and asked him out on a date. He rejected me. I was upset but understood why he turned me down. We agreed to be friends, but it was definitely an eye-opener.
My anger at my ex was preventing me from having fulfilling relationships and has kept me from moving on. It took rejection to make me see this and realizing that I screwed up badly, and now I feel like I can actually make progress in terms of getting over my ex and hopefully it will lead to more fulfilling relationships. There is always a silver lining and rejection can be a good thing.
Here is something that someone has said to me that is helping me reframe my thinking on rejection. We often have very severe pain around rejection because we have years of hurt from previous rejections that have piled up. So when we perceive someone is rejecting us we feel incredible pain that is not just the pain of the particular event, but pain from many years. But changing our inner dialogue can help. Instead of saying, “they are rejecting me, so something must be wrong with me, I am no good, etc.” and therefore going into a mode of self-blame, ask a question instead: “What did they do that was inappropriate?” I’ve applied this to a few events in my life and it has brought great understanding. As a teenager in school, being teased about your looks becomes a question, “What did they do that was inappropriate?” and an answer “they are rude.” On the topic here of EUs and AC, ask yourself, what did he or she do that was inappropriate? Try not to go into automatic thought patterns of self-blame and self-rejection. What they did or said does not translate into there being something wrong with you.
@Michelle – 37 years and a pretty good brain and I have never thought of it in quite that way. Why have I always assumed others knew better than me what my worth or value was? Wow. Thank you!
With Mr EU was definitely trying to avoid rejection, I was Nat:
“busting a gut to ensure that you don’t experience it, even though you actually are.”
The one thing I experienced with him more than anything else was *rejection*; it was like living a broken heart. So I can see that while I was trying to avoid rejection I WAS actually being rejected -constantly, so I wasn’t avoiding it, not one little bit. All of this was not entirely lost on me at the time: I would say to him (probably by email or text!), more than once, ‘you’ve been rejecting me every day of my life, for years’. Of course for some reason, I thought, or hoped, that if I could make him undersand how he made me feel that he would stop doing it and do something else instead! Pigs might fly, but they don’t.
So what I was actually doing was this:
“repeatedly throwing myself under the same rejection bus because I didn’t want to deal with the pain of accepting his choice or his treatment of me”.
Of course, He did not want to make a choice – part of my problem was thinking that so long as he didn’t made a choice to commit or not to commit, then he might still choose to commit! There was always the possibility (in my mind) that he had still to choose one or the other and get off the fence – no choices were ver made. I don’t have a huge problem, I don’t think, in accepting someone’s CHOICE, so long as that choice is made and made clear and is consistent. What I have is trouuble when he WON’T choose because (in my mixed up head) that still leaves all possibilities open.
The EUM has still not “ended” it. If I wanted to press re-set, I could be pressing it. I have ended it, in so far as I am not engaging with him. It’s weird – nothing has been said by either of us about “ending” anything, which makes me think that from his point of view there must have been nothing to end! What kind of ending is that – one minute your speaking the next minute you’re not and when enough time passes we can both tacitly understand that it’s over?? That’s be the end then! WTF is that all about! But I know the important thing anyway is that it is over for me, however it comes about. This post makes me understand why I didn’t fold. Rejecction avoidance. Pah! When I was actually fired more times than a circus cannon!
And now having read NML’s reply to Lisa, I am reminded that of course my Mr EUM didn’t *choose* – he didn’t have to choose. He was having me anyway! So I could hardly feel rejected by his “choice” when he was never pressed to make one. So I felt repeatedly rejected by his treatment of me instead and of his failure to choose me even though he didn’t have to choose – and he was choosing me actually, just on his terms, which felt like rejection cos I new the terms were a bad deal fo me. The whole thing with these “relationships” is just a big can of misery-making worms – it’s horrendous. No wonder it’s such a painfully hard task to unravel ourselves from it all.
“So I felt repeatedly rejected by his treatment of me instead and of his failure to choose me even though he didn’t have to choose – and he was choosing me actually, just on his terms, which felt like rejection cos I new the terms were a bad deal for me.”
Thank you Fearless, for that. This sentence perfectly describes the scenario I am fighting my way out of…I need a good dose of this truth serum daily!!
Another thought I read on a friend’s status update today really resonated: “Adversity gives birth to Fear or Courage. Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the overcoming of fear.” So I take that as, when I am met with rejection, or resistance, I won’t make choices out of fear (of avoiding pain or facing the truth), but face everything and pass through it with a clear head and heart…which also means having the courage to be alone instead of attending to any fool who comes along and says one half-ass nice word.
Yes, Lila,
I think our choices were borne out of fear – avoidance of facing the fear of rejection, which we were experiencing anyway! That’s the irony. We have to dump the fear and embrace the courage. I believe that it’ the fear of something unpleasant happening that keeps us stuck and avoiding it. Once the thing has happened it’s like, bingo! I don’t need to fear this any more because it’s happened, so now I can just get on with it – minus the fear! I think that’s why some people say things like ‘when he finally walked out for good, the thing that I’d feared for so long, it actually came as a blessed relief!’ I still some days feel so free! Because the fear of losing the EUM for good has gone. Cos he’s gone.
Fired more times than a circus canon…awesome! I get the pervasive hope that he will choose you one day Fearless. I swear, I would buy a new pair of pants that looked good on me and thought to myself, “maybe if he see’s me in these pants he’ll love me”. Oy. I know undying hope is generally a good thing but in these cases, it really should die a violent and expedient death.
Lisa,
yep, I get the ‘pants’ thing.I did similar, he paid attention – until he’d had the sex then the ‘pants’ didn’t matter anymore! And I had to think of better ‘pants’!! Lol. I kinda stopped thinking that anything like that would make a difference a long time ago!
This is interesting:
“I get the pervasive hope that he will choose you one day Fearless.”
Natalie too warned me that I must draw an EMPHATIC line under the ex Mr EUM relationship. All I can say is that getting beyond the “pervasive hope” is what trying to free yourself from these relationships is about much of the time (for me anyway). It’s all tied in with the working on myself, avoiding the “rejection” feelings, raising my self esteem, maintaining my boundaries and quashing the drive for validation (from him). I understand totally the emphatic line / ditch all “hope” thing – but if I could have done that easily in a few minutes flat, it woud have been done years ago. I get that drawing an emphatic line in your mind helps you to get closure and move forward and I have, as much as I know how, drawn that line in my mind… sometimes the line goes squiggly! And then I try to straighten it out again. And I do.
I now know that I do not want to go back to that place with the EUM or with anyone else, EVER, but some of the emotions about it still find their way to the surface and are still hard to deal with, and yes, probably the hope-habit is a hard one to break; I lived off it for ten years with this guy! The difference now is that I do deal with these emotions. I fight them hard. I don’t go running back to him for more rejection and validation and crap. I stay and I fight. I think, in the main, my head is in reality, and when it slips out of it, I now at least know where reality is and how to get back there! I don’t harbour hope, not consciously anyway.
I don’t think it’s any exaggeration to say that to get yourself back from these painful ‘relationships’ you really do have to fight very hard – for a long time.
I’ve enjoyed your comments Lisa – Good luck.
You have done some really hard work which is amazing and courageous.
This made me think about the relationship between avoiding rejection, and picking men who tell you what you want to hear at the expense of the truth. I think if I were not as sensitive about being “rejected” and all I make it mean about me I would be quicker to read the signs and throw in the towel when things are not working for me, less likely to accept words that aren’t matched by action, and promises not backed up with plans. And, less likely to ruminate about it when the relationship ends.
I say that I prefer people to be direct and authentic even if it hurts me, but in dating my fear of rejection has invisibly sent a different message: “Don’t tell me what’s really going on, I don’t want to hear it, don’t leave, don’t hurt me.” This, paired with dating men who have no insight into themselves and limited courage and integrity, ends up causing me more pain and wasting more time than just accepting that it’s not working out. No matter how much I complain about my ex’s future faking I now realize that I was complicit by choosing the fantasy of our potential future over clearly seeing and acting on the here-and-now reality that made me feel uneasy and was built on a less-than-healthy dynamic.
Being afraid of being “rejectionable” has fueled my choice in EUM’s– men who are out of touch with themselves and self-centered, willing to say anything they need to to get what they want, and incapable (or unwilling) of being consistent, clear and up front about their true capacity for or interest in a long term committed relationship with me. It almost makes me laugh to see how I pick these men, inevitably reject them, and then suffer horribly!
Thank you for this article. I had never really looked at the rejection issue as a reason why i would continue to put myself out there (i.e. in a situation that had *no go* all over it from the outset). It has helped me realise that I am trying to chase a feeling to stop me actually accepting the hurt that it is over. Throw in a few other things (low self esteem, bad experiences with men, absent dad etc) and you have me going back and forth like a boomerang muttering – I *will* make it work (repeat x infinite). Somewhere along the line I picked up the idea that I have to do all the running in a relationship and the other person just has to show up. Sometimes. Dangerous thinking.
I was in a situation very recently and my friend (happily married, never had any problems with men) listened very carefully to a long drawn out story and just summed it up with “you need to listen to what he is saying, he is saying – it is not going to happen for various reasons” and that I needed to focus on the “its not going to happen part” and not the rest of the conversation. In the past I would have spent energy thinking about his motivations, what if x, what if y, why, why why. If I did x or y then maybe it will be different. Or basically hear the bit that I am liked and ignore the more painful, its not gonna work.
What amazes me is that some people can do this almost automatically – it’s like the self preservation part of me just hasn’t developed/doesn’t exist. Well, I am going to try really hard to take the advice and emotionally opt out of something that doesn’t exist. (or rather only exists for me)…..
Well, I finally “rejected” my OM….made it short & sweet after I realized I didn’t want to “compartmentalize” within relationships anymore. I want to be “all in” or “all out”. I know it’s the right thing to do for me, but, of course, I’m bummed that he hasn’t responded since i did it a few days ago…Now “I” feel rejected!!! I know it’s reality setting in after ripping off the bandaid. I know that it’s best since he’s not that into me anyway & continuing it would drive me batty, but it still feels like crap. I’m going to just keep reminding myself that it is best to NOT be in any relationship that you can’t be fully self expressed for a myriad of reasons. I don’t want to live & love like that. Just miss the “crummy crumbs” like everyone else. Did I just say I miss “crummy crumbs”???!!!! Hahaha!
PS it has taken me close to 3 years to “reject” this relationship. I wanted to say, I am not rejecting him, I am rejecting the relationship as it does not make me happy. I don’t think I would have had the clarity to distinguish that if it weren’t for Natalie & her literature. If you are stuck & really need help, I recommend all of Natalie’s books. They have seen me through some dark days indeed…
@Eternal Summer
There’s no way to know how he’s feeling but speaking as a twice OW, I was heartbroken when I was broken up with but never showed it and didn’t initiate contact out of pride and also genuinely wanting him to be happy, and if happy was with his wife then so be it. The best thing you can do for him, if you care at all, is to continue NC. If he’s married then it will force him to look deeply at his marriage and if he’s single he can move on, which is what this blog is all about.
Just read this entry twice (may have to read it again at least once more). Thinking about abandonment & rejection as 2 separate things, hmmmm. Good food for thought.
“I’m pretty sure I used to get abandonment and rejection confused hence why I’d feel so terrible – they’re two different things…..”
I’ve just read this entry again too. It is always wise to read Nat’s posts a few times as you see things – or get them – second time round that didn’t quite register first time. For example:
“the overwhelming majority of people I witness struggling with ‘rejection’, are struggling with feeling that they weren’t up to ‘standard’ for someone and a relationship that they shouldn’t have been available for in the first place.” [Etc...]
Yes, Nat. Exactly! I tink most of us on here can admit to this being the case. But we don’t get it at the time. I felt rejected constantly by the EUM…until I finally came to entertain the novel, ground-breaking idea that maybe I shouldn’t be making myself available for this crap, at all! (and of course the thing is I should *never* have been available for it.) You are so right – we choose someone who we can see from very early on is offering us a ‘rejectionable’ situation, we walk right into it and are then surprised when we are and feel rejected! We don’t realise, oddly, just how much we are setting ourselves up for exactly what we imagine we are trying to avoid. Bizarre.
It’s kind of like we are actually driving the metaphorical car – we are behind the wheel but like an idiot we are not following the road signs, we are ignoring them; we are very bad drivers; despite all the signs clearly pointing us in the right, and safe, direction to our deired destination, we head the wrong way up the motorway and wonder why we get dog’s abuse from other drivers and are run off the road or involved in a disasterous head on collision with our inevitable fate. We are like tragic heroines in a Greek play. My fall, my fate with the EUM, just as much as with the MM (all those years ago) was inevitable – and all driven by my own bad judgements. I see that now and it makes it much easier to bear, oddly, to know that I was actually in control – just very badly! And that it wasn’t random; I was not a victim of unrequited love or an EUM; I created the circumstances that set me up for ‘rejection’ and in doing so, it was really me, rejecting me. It is great comfort to me somehow to see that all I really need to do is to take better care of myself, know I am worth taking the right road for – and read the bloody signs! That I can do. I am very hopeful for me. I have learned so much from you Natalie and I thank you very, very much.
Fearless…thank you for your post. I’ve seen the signs too and I have chosen to ignore them for whatever reason, sometimes I didnt even know why. But I’ve been pondering this particular blog for the past few days. I’m wondering, how can I make myself have self esteem? I’ve come to the conclusion that I cant. But what I can do is not ignore the ‘signs’, stay true to my boundaries, get out if my gut tells me to, and to take action in going after what I want while continuously pushing back the feeling that I am not worthy or ‘cant’ do it. I’m actually amazed that I’ve gotten as far ahead in life as I have with such low self esteem, that goes for other aspects, not romance. I’m completely over my last eum, I dont have to try to have nc, I realistically dont think very much of him as a person. I dont care who he dates, I know what they are getting. One of my friends who dated a lot of eum/ac is getting married this weekend, she finally found her ‘good’ guy. I’ve been thinking about the guys she dated and I think ‘how dare they not have valued her’. She is a winner by everyones count, and these losers had the nerve not to treat her right. I love this website, it was like a ‘come to Jesus’ moment when I found it.
SM:
“how can I make myself have self esteem? I’ve come to the conclusion that I cant.”
Oh dear! Start with dumping the “can’t” word! It’s the first sign of the low-self esteem. Never use it again – switch it for “CAN”! or “WILL”!
Self esteem is a self *belief* – not a character trait. You CAN change your beliefs about anything – people do it all the time! So you CAN change your belief about yourself. You are inherently as valuable and worthy a human being as any one of us, you need to teach yourself to believe that. And you CAN
This week on BR has been tearful and enlightening for me in so many ways. Self-esteem. It is interesting how I have attached my apparent value on outward acheivements, appearance, even the behavior of my children, that somehow in the year that have passed (most of my life), I missed the central meaning of the concept–which is believing that I can DRIVE my own life. The contributing factors are multiple and tangled at this juncture in my life, but I have to attribute a major factor to my parents and upbringing. As a parent this idea is particularly disturbing to me, as I think “what am I going to do to eff up my girls?” My parents, while well intentioned and wonderful people, where also legalistic and managed to communicate to me in their style of parenting that my feelings weren’t as important as their ideals, and the family unit as a whole. While I think ideals and family untiy are important, their unintentional overkill led me, as an extraordinarily sensitive child, to feel firstly that I shouldn’t have REAL needs in a relationship, and secondly that any feelings/needs I had were low on the list of priorites. So, I chose as a partner for a husband (and dated countless others) someone who wouldn’t acknowledge my needs as legitimate and would expect me to subjugate my desires/needs to his own. This felt normal to me, but I always languished, just like I did as a child, waiting for someone to notice that I was emotionally starving. And because I didn’t ask for what I needed initially, it felt normal for me to let someone else “drive” my life and relationships, because I didn’t know how to do it or feel comfortable in even defining a locus of control. Now I realize that while I should grieve this loss I experienced as a child, it is important to recognize and change the pattern. Wow…and I CAN do it.
This post was right on the mark. I’m realising my own immaturity, playing the ‘victim of rejection’ role, instead of facing up to the fact that I rejected myself and let myself down in not asserting my boundaries and letting some narcissistic weirdo push my buttons to feed his ego, and not taking care of myself; and that’s something that I alone am responsible for, which is actually great.
The hard part is forgiving myself for making a mistake, and not falling into the trap of using the fact that it was a mistake as an excuse to confirm inner shitness, but seeing it as a golden first hand lesson in red flag readership and an experience that helped me develop an intolerance to knobbery. God, daddy issues are so bloody annoying though.
Good luck to everyone
I’m feeling very rejected and hurt by what I’ve learned through this site is an EUM & bonafide Assclown. I married my highschool sweetheart after dating for over 10 years, and after 10 years of marriage and 2 kids, divorced him due to mental abuse and the fact he was literally turning into a crazy person. (putting spyware on my laptop, tape recorders in my car and house, even parking up the street and hiding in the shower or my son’s closet). I spent a year recoverying from my guilt of the divorce, and trying to earn back my self esteem. Because this guy was my HIGHSCHOOL sweetheart, I hadn’t dated many guys at all, and now, turning 40 later this year, felt clueless about the dating scene. The 1st guy I dated went on for almost 8 months (we didn’t see each other much) and he would never touch me so I told him we just needed to remain on the friend front. The 2nd was a guy I graduated HS with, and out of the blue invited me on a trip he won through work to Cabo San Lucas Mexico! It was our “first date” and I did go and had fun, even though didn’t think he was much my type. After trying to date him for a few months, I found out he had a girlfriend LIVING with him the entire time! Then, this past July I met the assclown. We met on a dating site and things went FAST! There was nothing about him I didn’t like! Great looking, a dad, great job, very polite, made lots of efforts to call, text, see me, come over….Now I know he was a fast forwarder, and I tried to keep a wall up to some degree but had NEVER felt so intensely about ANYONE that quickly, so after having goosebumps everyday by his comments & him telling me he loved me, I gave my heart up completely. It all came to screeching hault 2 fridays ago when a friend of mine followed me and drove 40 min. to “his” town to hang at “his” places, when within the hour, he started an arguement w/ her and before I knew it, told me to get her & leave! I didn’t understand what was even happening, but I left, and he came outside and yelled at me again! His friend drove my car to his apartment, as I was so upset I threw up. I ended up crashing into a tree, causing over $3000 damage to my car (luckily not hurt), AND got stopped at a sobreity check, although I passed the test! I sent him a text picture of my car and told him what happened, only to get his response of “don’t blame me for…
Hi out there!A girlfreind told me about this site and I think its amazing!
I am having a hard time right now as the Guy I was in a relationship for 5 months did the disapperaing act on me..No call,nothing…I of course called,begged for an answer,closure,,,all to no avial..I am trying to get the strength to find the closure for myself,but its so hard…Why do guys do this?Did I mention,there was no fight before,no other woman,I was so blindsided….
brenda
I think you have to close it yourself.
Friend of a friend made plans with her boyfriend to rent a house so they could live together. They moved in. Then he tells her he doesn’t love her. He dumps her. She has to move out. Now she wants closure as it was all out of the blue. I’m thinking surely he’s made it plain that he a) hes an ass and b) he wants out. What else is there to know. Does it really help to be told that he doesn’t fancy you/hates your snoring/ doesn’t see you as the mother of his children/ is bored/ can’t be bothered/ needs to shag around.
Disappearing falls into that category. He wants out. Let him go. The few women here who HAVE hunted the man down for an explanation always end up with a half-assed excuse which leaves them wanting yet more closure. Or worse, they end up being insulted or as a booty call.
You always have to close it yourself. He’s got nothing to do with that. Even if he did grace you with a perfectly worded honest and truthful explanation, it’s only over when YOU accept YOURSELF that it’s over. The words that come out of his mouth are not that useful. Half the time we’re barely listening anyway (even though we pride ourselves on our communication skills).
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