I want to thank you...for giving me the worst days of my life. Now I'm off to live my best days... without you.

You deserve better than being with someone who thinks they’re so special while treating you in a less than manner. Stop blowing smoke up their bum and inflating their value – it’s like worshipping a false idol! That’s not a relationship – it’s being a groupie, fanatic or even worshipper. Are they changing the world? Have they come up with a cure for cancer? Did they create the world?

Never position someone anywhere in your mind or even your life, where they can look down on you. Be equal, or bounce.

You deserve better than talking and thinking badly about yourself. Stop dogging you (that’s running yourself down not the shady sexual antics in car parks…), because chip chip chipping away at yourself is like removing the protective coating off the exterior of your home – it leaves you vulnerable to people and situations that will continue to damage your structure. It’s awful when you overhear someone talking about you behind your back – it’s even worse when someone shittalks to your face…which is what you’re doing.

You deserve better than being a bit on the side. Oh they may call you their ‘girlfriend/boyfriend’, ‘soul mate’, ‘best friend’ and yada yada yada but that’s like when actors get producers credits for a film without actually producing, or when someone’s given a title at work without the job to go with it. They’re married/attached – that’s game over, no credits. It doesn’t matter if they have a trillion excuses and a host of plans and promises – you’re a sideline piece. You don’t need to be scratching around for the dregs of a relationship. Stop treating them like they’re the last person on earth.

You deserve better than chasing someone in the hope that they’ll finally ‘let’ you ‘win’ them. How long can you keep running for? It’s like signing up to a long distance marathon with no end to it – it’s exhausting and even debilitating. Nobody is that special that they warrant you chasing them for their attention, validation, and eventually your dignity for months or even years on end.

You deserve better than a ‘faux friendship’ when you want a relationship. You’ve got plenty of friends – you don’t need one that’s trying to eff with your mind or eff you and enjoy other fringe benefits of a relationship without the commitment. No ‘friend’ needs to get to know you by lying on top of you or having you worrying yourself into a state about why they don’t want more or why they’re sending mixed messages.

If you’re getting mixed messages it means you’re getting contradiction which means their actions and words don’t match which means back away. Fast.

You deserve better than an excuse filled relationship whether it’s yours or theirs. Stop lying to yourself so that you can make way for a relationship with substance instead of hot air.

You deserve better than fannying away your time wanting back someone that didn’t even treat you well. Value your life. How much time have you really got to sit around and ruminate about another person trying to work out what they think, feel, and do? How much time have you got to analyse? To ponder their next move? To avoid thinking about you? To avoid being a doer? To continue investing your time and energy into a ‘relationship’ that still, after all these months or even years doesn’t exist yet?

You deserve better than waiting around for someone to make up their mind about you. Let me tell you from personal experience and the observation of thousands of readers over the past six years – waiting around is degrading. It says “You are so important and special that I will sack off my life and wait around on the off chance that you will choo-choo-choose me.”

They’ve already chosen. You have. The choosing happens at the outset and every day we have to keep choosing that person – that’s a relationship. To continue to wait around for someone who hasn’t frickin chosen you, is to keep choosing not to be chosen. It’s like saying “I’m giving you a chance to make a different choice because I don’t like the choice you’ve made. Again.” Choose you, before you lose you.

You deserve better than being thrown crumb communication of texts (and sexts), emails, Facebook posturing, instant messages. You’re not thirteen. Nuff said.

You deserve better than a fantasy relationship. Stop fearing intimacy and having to stretch yourself in real situations.

You deserve better than being repeatedly rejected by someone. Two times (I know most people love a ‘second chance’) and then after that, it’s “See ya!” If you keep giving someone the opportunity to reject you, they will keep rejecting you because they know that they’re free to treat you this way and come back and pull the same stunts again.

You deserve better than going back to a relationship that has previously broken for all the right reasons. Don’t undo what was actually a good decision in your best interests because of your ego. You don’t need someone to make you the exception for it to be ‘love’ – stop trying to get love out of unlikely and broken places. Trust that your decisions are right and stop looking back.

You deserve better than being treated like hooker or a gigolo. Being objectified for sex will eat away at whatever self-esteem you have left. Nobody’s vagina or penis is that special. If you know that you struggle to deal with the emotional consequences of having sex, do not feel bad about knowing your limits and stop providing sexual service. You cannot use sex as back door entry into a relationship.

You deserve better than lies and abuse. Where you make room for them, more will follow and mushroom. People who take their time and look for smaller and medium sized action and matching talk, are not as prey to Future Faking – alarm bells should be ringing if the intensity and level of promises is disproportionate to the amount of time you know one another, or even how much you know. How can someone be telling you they love you when you don’t even know where they live? As for abuse, don’t reason or investigate it – just bounce. How many excuses you’ll make governs how deep you’ll get into an unhealthy situation.

You deserve better than thinking the worst. There’s better out there for you, believe it. There’s better experiences, better sense of self, better relationships, a better everything – a better mentality has to be a part of this. Stop looking for any ‘ole excuse to believe that the stories you tell yourself about why you can’t do this and you can’t do that and how you’ll never have a healthy relationship or that the world is full of jackasses. So what if yet another dodgy article gets published with dumb statistics about the lack of men, or divorce rates, or all the good black men are gone? It’s all a crock. And this is one particularly for the ladies – all this BS isn’t aimed at men as they don’t pay attention! Neither should we!

You deserve better than…‘this’, whatever ‘this’ is – relationship insanity is carrying the same baggage, beliefs and behaviours, choosing the same types of people or even the same person, and expecting a different result. You deserve better than being trapped in your own groundhog day.

Be thankful for these ‘opportunities’ that reveal where you need to batten down the hatches and fix your broken windows and allow you to benefit from the lessons of reality. These ‘opportunities’ show you what doesn’t work for you and when people show you their arses, it’s OK – it’s not about you. What is about you, is you and what you do next when you’re presented with a situation that you know you need to back away from. You deserve better than talking yourself into another shady situation.

Happy Thanksgiving to my American readers!

Your thoughts?

Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.

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214 Responses to You Deserve Better

  1. Bri says:

    Thanks you two – just when I thought I may be starting to break through the surface of moving on, the MM came back, “unable to live without me” yet here he is, still quite literally living without me.

    I’m disappointed in myself that I haven’t been stronger and that I’m back in this relationship, but I’m thankful for this blog and all of you and hopefully one day, I’ll be one of the success stories guiding women like me away from these situations.

    Love to you all.

  2. Happy Soul says:

    Natalie, thank you so much for this post!!! You put my head back again and I fell normal and freeeeeeeee :-) I could not live without BR, love it, love it…And this words just so RIGHT for my situation (regarding my AC) : “I want to thank you for giving me the worst days of my life…Now I am off to live my best days…without you”!

  3. Stepahnie says:

    I have been NC for 5 weeks with the person I dated but I still can’t get the future faking, lying, lazy communicator out of my mind and its driving me crazy! Can someone please help/advise me on what I need to do because I feel like this guy has driven me crazy! I thought I had met the most gorgeous, hard working, family loving, caring man in the world and I thought I was gonna be happy, but within 3 weeks of dating I had slept with him, he had promised me the world, and I was totally smitten by him. Our whirlwind relationship only lasted 7 weeks and then he cruelly stood me up one Saturday afternoon with no real explanation. This was 8 weeks ago and he still hasn’t called or texted to say anything. I could go on forever about all the things that happened whilst I was seeing him. I just want the old me back, because somehow I managed to let him take that away from me. I know where I went wrong with him, I allowed myself to fantasise and get all caught up with the promises and packaging, which left me scared to ask certain questions when the red flags starting appearing :-(

    • Tamara says:

      I have learned that talk is very cheap. In a relationship a person can SAY anything. I have learned to believe what people DO more than what they say. If their actions don’t line up with what they are saying to or promising you, then it’s time to move on.

  4. MH says:

    Stop treating them like they’re the last person on earth.

    This is one of my problems in a nutshell. I am convinced that my current single status is a permanent one. You once said to me that I treat my ex like last chance saloon and that is exactly the belief that is stuck in my head and no wonder why I am single with that ruminating around. I try everyday to shake it but to no avail.

    I don’t know how to believe anymore that better is coming. It is like I am settling for nothing, which is better then settling for AC but I know I need more.

  5. Stepahnie says:

    Its so sad when we allow another person to define who we are and lose ourselves, I can say that because I am guilty of it as well. I always thought I loved myself enough and was smart enough not to let this happen to me but obviously I wasn’t because I allowed good looks and promises to fool me. However, every day I tell myself I WILL get over this because he is not the last guy on this earth! It just hurts so bad and I want to be over it and move on. During this period of NC I had a sneaky look at his FB page only to see that he seems happy and has left his brief dalliance with me behind him! That cut like a knife. He is a total narcissist, that pursued me hard, and gave me an insight to what life with him could be like, got what he wanted, bragged and boasted about his achievements and then just dropped me in a passive aggressive way when I started to show interest. Boy, have I learnt from this, its just a shame that I had to be 36 years old to learn this lesson.

  6. lynne says:

    i wrote this already … but i repeat myself only to show that these terrible feelings pass with time.

    i’ve been broken up three months and don’t even want the guy back.

    it’s like jumping a canyon. i know so well how it is to be on the side where you live or die depending on what he does, who he sees et al. then when you jump clear and land on the opposite canyon … all of the terrible feelings described, disappear … poof! in the wind.

    it’s so wonderful to be free of being depressed, waiting for his call (text)dying when the call doesn’t come, wondering, wondering … will he call? does he like me? why doesn’t he like me! what frickin’ TORTURE.

    now i could not care less if he is with 20 women … i just could not care LESS. i am free. and now i can start from scratch, rebuild my self esteem any way that i want, recreate my life, my attitude toward myself, redefine my boundaries.

    i hope that everyone hits that moment when they say enough is enough, change their phone number and let time do its magic. and it does work, if you allow it.

  7. Natasha says:

    OMG Leanna, I could have wrote your post myself. Only add in that my ex also wanted me to have his baby…he wanted three babies actually. I got pregnant, he moved me in, only to break up with me via email when things got slightly tough. The baby was only 5 1/2 months old and I was humiliated having to move back into my dad’s house at 39 years old. He was very intense at the start…convinced I was the love of his life within two months…asking me to move in with him really fast…all of his convincing amounted to a load of bs. He didn’t give a damn about my feelings and seemed to have no qualms about deciding to end things after all his grand promises and plans. That was a while ago now though Leanna. I can promise you (and this promise is one that is for keeps) that if you stay strong, you will come out of this experience happier and stronger…because you’ve learned so much.

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