For some reason, many of us think that when we’re in a relationship with someone that they need us to see potential in them and to have faith.
Now it’s not that I’m killing off hope and optimism but sometimes when we’re betting on potential, we’re taking a blank piece of paper, designing our ideal man and our ideal relationship, and pinning it on our current man.
It’s not that you shouldn’t have faith in someone but there’s a big difference between trusting someone and having faith that they’ll act in their own and your best interests when you’re in a committed relationship with them…and having faith that someone will be more than they currently are, not because they want to be and are trying to be, but because you want them to be so it will fit in with your idea of the type of relationship you should get from them…even if it’s not on offer.
As I’ve said before in the numerous posts on betting on potential, you’re either stuck in the past or dreaming in the future.
I wish he’d go back to what he was like in the beginning.
When he’s got his sh*t sorted out, things will be so much better and he’ll be able to love me the way I want.
Here’s the deal: the man he has been consistently is likely to be the man you’ll get.
Actions speak louder than dreams, illusions, and potential.
It’s nice that you see such greatness in him, but it’s time to get real.
Everybody, well certainly most people, acts their best at the beginning of the relationship. It’s called the honeymoon period for a reason! Then you relax and get to know each other and the relationship builds.
Or…with certain people, ie Mr Unavailables and assclowns, they control the relationship by blowing hot and cold, so that they can manage down your expectations. When you expect, need, or want more than they are prepared to give or offer, they withdraw in some way.
Even though they may have told you that the sun shines out of your bum, they want to marry you and have babies with you, at the beginning of the relationship, the novelty has worn off, and reality has kicked in.
When they blow hot again, there is a temporary feeling of newness but eventually the normality kicks in again and they get nervous about having to give and be too much in the relationship, so they act like assclowns so that things come down a notch or two to a comfortable level.
It doesn’t matter if they said that you are the sun, moon, and the stars five years ago if for the past four years they’ve been boomeranging in and out of your life/messing you around/cheating, whatever.
It is time to adjust your vision of things and put them in line with the reality and consistency of the person that they are.
It is time to accept.
Half of the problem with unhealthy relationships is created by resisting acceptance.
There’s no point seeing a dream relationship when you’re living a crappy reality and have had a crappy past, even if there have been fleeting highs. What basis do you have for this?
If you’re with someone for two years and they act like a twat for eighteen months, that means that you’re trying to capture the initial 25% and extend that to the majority.
You’re thinking ‘Well he was so funny and charming and loving and blah blah blah back then so obviously he’s capable of being this way’
We teach each other what to expect from each other and how to treat us. What is the point in expecting greatness where someone consistently delivers disappointment?
Talk about setting yourself up for pain!
It’s like having a relationship in your head.
The other person thinks “It doesn’t matter what I say or do, she’s not interested in me. She’s interested in what I could be/what she wants me to be, and this woman is not really interested in ‘me’.”
The guys with less integrity and conscience say “I’ve shown her the way I am and/or told her the way the land lies and she just doesn’t want to accept it so I am free to do what I want and if she gets burnt along the way, that’s not my problem…..”
They might even say “Maybe if she was prepared to stop pushing her idea of things on me and just let things be, I might actually want a relationship with her!”
It all boils down to:
“She’s not interested in ‘me’ and I’m tired of the weight of her hope and potential. I just want to be and intend on being me”
Things change and it’s unfortunate and a bit of a pain in the arse, but it happens. Part of the relationship experience is ensuring that the hope and potential that you see is actually grounded in reality and that when things change, rather than get stuck in the past like a broken record sticking to our guns about what they were, or floating into the future and building sandcastles in the sky, you accept the reality.
You place too much faith in these guys, and others, because in lacking faith in yourself, you want them to have faith in you.
You see potential in them because it then gives potential in you. This is why when they fail to live up to the potential, we internalise and wonder what we did wrong rather than wondering whether the belief in them and the supposed potential was misplaced.
Back in part two.
Your thoughts? Do you bet on potential? Are you hoping things will get back to the way they used to be? Do you see platinum where there’s copper?
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Ultimately what it boils down to is trying to have a companion see something that we don’t see in ourselves. How can we put the faith and trust out there in them, when we don’t even see it?
You have to realize your worth and then put faith in someone, if you put the faith in them while downgrading yourself, well… you will ultimately end up with your head in the clouds.
Nice post,specialy suited for me since beting on potential was what I did pretty much all my relationship.But now I learned the lesson,we have to be in touch with the reality and not with the relationship in our heads.Thanks NML,as usual another great post.
Very timely post. I bet on potential but I think everyone does at least in the beginning while you are getting to know someone. I just ended a relationship with a guy that was a great guy, a very good person. He treated me well, always called, was communicative, etc… BUT – there was something my gut was telling me – I was worried he might have some issues with commitment. Why? Although he was mature in many ways, he was very immature in others. His home was a pit. He was extremely free spirited.
I took all this and bet on potential that given that he treats me well, is a kind person, we have a great time together, we were seeing each other exclusively – I bet that he would be able to commit and have a relationship that can develop into something serious if everything continued swimmingly.
Well – what happened was after about four months the honeymoon wore off and the compromising began. And it was pretty evident that I was doing most of the compromising. Things came to a head a couple nights ago and we had “the talk” and he said “we aren’t in the same place”. And I agreed. But he wouldn’t break it off. I was the one that said “I can’t do this anymore”.
I don’t consider him to be an “a-clown”, he might be a bit of a “clown” but he’s a good guy. Once I stopped daydreaming and betting on potential and put the issue on the table – I saw things clearly.
Sometimes you do need to give a relationship time to see what it really is and what is possible. And yes, sometimes there are red flags. The trick is determining a) is it really red? b) is it bad enough to walk? and c) is it permanently red.
And when you realize that things are not going to work – and your reality is miles from your dreams and they are never going to match short of him majorly CHANGING – then – that’s when I decided I had enough and I had to walk.
We were long distance (3 hours) – so perhaps this would have sussed itself out in shorter than six months had we lived in the same city.
Do I have regrets? Not really. I am glad I pulled the cord. I am sorry it didn’t work out. I don’t think I will date someone with his negative qualities again. So I learned a lesson. And I am starting over. But that’s ok. At least this one valued me as person and not an object. But – it still wasn’t enough.
Thanks NML – I’m improving but still don’t quite have it down yet!
“Everybody, well certainly most people, acts their best at the beginning of the relationship. It’s called the honeymoon period for a reason! Then you relax and get to know each other and the relationship builds.”
What about when they not only put on their best behaviour but behave like somebody they are not? My ex would be sweet to me in a daily basis the first 2 years or so but that is not the kind of guy that he is.Like I found out later his “normal” is to be sweet sometimes(like once or twice a year) so why on earth he would behave like that I have no idea.When I saw him interacting with his family and friends,I found out that being sweet is something he not even do much at all.Dont you think he suposed to have showed me how he realy was instead of giving me the idea that he was somebody that he realy isnt?
“not because they want to be and are trying to be, but because you want them to be so it will fit in with your idea of the type of relationship you should get from them…even if it’s not on offer.”
Exactly, this drives me crazy!! Because is not until now that I am reading NML post that I have come to realise the difference between Reality and Illusion in a relationship.
I guess the pain used to come from the fact that I questioned what did it cause him to change from a “nice” guy to an “asshole”?
This is where I used to have trouble, because I used to say:” its definitely something that I did that must have caused this sudden change”
This article is excellent clarifying all that. I guess my only question is: When these guys think: ” I guess she is not interested in me and I intend to be me.” Do they actually take a look at themselves and know how much of assholes they are or they intentionally become?
Who in earth would be interested in them as assholes? This is why women are guilty of betting on potential!! Because there are only two choices with these guys after we have become attached or in love with them:1. betting on potential (totally wrong, I know) 2. treat me right or there is no relationship of any kind at all!
And because we take the second (smarter) choice is that we are here whining and suffering about it. Sometimes I wish I could open their brain and see what they got in there. ugh!!
“Everybody, well certainly most people, acts their best at the beginning of the relationship. It’s called the honeymoon period for a reason!”
Five and a half years of distance, with five thousand emails, chats and phone calls, and eight 3-week “holiday” visits, for sure created a true, acid-tripping illusion that my “relationship” with my EUM would be viable and ideal some day…
“Here’s the other problem: if you don’t get with the reality, you can’t actually have a real relationship and you don’t actually get to know the real person. It’s like having a relationship in your head.”
The reality: I eventually moved across the world to be with him and he did not match the five thousand emails, chats, and phone calls, as well as the visits. He was to put it mildly, truly emotionally unavailable in person; hence, it explained the profuse amount of technology he needed to communicate thoughts that most people “in love” have no problem saying. So, I waited in vain for crumbs of validation (which I know after getting “therapy” from this site must come from me), encouragement, and some kind of feeling that he was truly happy to have me with him. Eventually, I started to play out the relationship we had when we were apart. Trying to conjure up the “feeling” we had from before when he would visit for short stints.
“She’s not interested in ‘me’ and I’m tired of the weight of her hope and potential. I just want to be and intend on being meâ€
I could no longer take the huge gap of the illusion and the reality, and left. Though he said that no one else has a problem with who I am, I realized, ultimately, I did.
“It is time to accept. Half of the problem with unhealthy relationships is created by resisting acceptance.”
I have to say that this is the single most difficult thing I have had to do. To be so wrapped up in a person to the point where you lose your whole since of self and reality is a terribly disturbing experience. But, accepting that you were delusional and for so long…well, for me, is just hell…
Ladies…we MUST “mind the gap”…
….and NML, you have touched my soul…I can’t say thank you enough…
“She’s not interested in ‘me’ and I’m tired of the weight of her hope and potential. I just want to be and intend on being meâ€
Probably the most useful post made here.
@Stephanie sorry for some reason your post didn’t show. Your story made me think “There’s what would have happened if we’d carried on.” Your point about the technology resonates strongly as does everything else.
@Stephanie
” have to say that this is the single most difficult thing I have had to do. To be so wrapped up in a person to the point where you lose your whole since of self and reality is a terribly disturbing experience. But, accepting that you were delusional and for so long…well, for me, is just hell…”
I agree 200% a year later after the end of my 7 year relationship with an AC/EUM hybrid I realized that I still had not accepted the break up – I couldn’t even see that I had not accepted it and thus kept trying to get him to show some compassion when my world came crashing down on me because as you put it Stephanie I had lost my whole sense of self and had distorted the reality entirely. It funny how even though you know better you don’t do better when you are in these types of relationships the power dynamics are so effed up that you can’t even recognize them for what they are. 1 month and a week of NC and sometimes I think he’s just scared he’ll eventually contact me… and then I wake up again…he’s never reached out to me during our relationship not in any substantial way…why would he do it now ?
Oye! Still learning…emotionally learning
@cece come on the Forum hon 🙂
I still wonder at the attraction though, and how much of it was constructed in my head because I wanted to be attracted in equal part to the emotional investment I had made. If I start to line up all the things about him which I DIDN’T like then they read far longer than of guys I am able to say I don’t find attractive. It makes no sense, so it’s not about actual attraction at all.
Dear NML and all you ladies,
I just want you to know that this site has become my point of reference for strength and sanity since last year when I went on the web in search of explanation for what had become an established pattern of AC/EUM in most my relationships with men (boyfriends, friends, relatives). This site brought back my self confidence and showed me the huge mistakes I made to spoil these ACs and waste my precious time on them. When I began reading the posts on this site, I was very disgusted with myself for sacrificing my dignity for so long to keep these people intesreted in the respective relationships I had with them. I have since succesfully established the no-contact rule for all the AC/EUMs I have been involved with, and brought my male relatives in line. I stay polite when I bump into them and they soon give up when they realize I have nothing to offer them (love or money). Its a great empowered feeling! I have established a brand new circle of friends with whom I have established boundaries of respect. No boyfriend yet until I feel ready. This posting helps me to go further and sort out a number of things I was not clear in my mind about – Seeing things as they are, not as they ought to be. I will get there.
Thanks ever so much!!
“if you don’t get with the reality, you can’t actually have a real relationship and you don’t actually get to know the real person.”
This was my life in a nut shell. I didn’t even know who I really was let alone the other person. It was like I imagined it all in my head.
@African Chick
I agree with you 100%. I have been NC from my exEUM for 1 year and in that time I have gone through a flood of emotions. At times I felt embarrassed, angry, used, humiliated for how naive I had been. How much I gave of myself and got nothing but crumbs in return. But I had to sort it all out, I had to keep reading this site and other people’s stories before I could act upon anything.
I had girlfriends, relatives, co-workers who (after realizing this) treated me the same exact way the exEUM did. I allowed this to happen because I did not have good boundaries, had low self-esteem, no self-confidence and was a virtual door mat for anyone with a problem.
Good news is that I too have a new circle of friends, I limit my availability to my relatives (I’m not their emotional dumping ground), and have chosen to keep my co-workers at a healthy distance. I don’t go the afterwork happy hours, I keep it all professional. I have a made a couple close friends from past employments but the rest are merely acquaintances.
I’m alone more now, but I am not lonely. It’s a great feeling to finally accept myself, get to know myself, and like being in my very own skin. I’m more coherant now, I pay attention to my physical feelings, and look out for the red flags. I’m getting healthy and stronger each day. I do some positive affirmations in the morning and before I go to sleep it keeps me feeling upbeat even on some of the low days.
There are people who still bring up the exEUM name, ask me if I’ve heard from him or whatever and that usually trips a nerve but it’s short lived now. I don’t dwell on him, or what they feel they need to say about him becuase I don’t stand around and discuss it. I politely cut them off and get on with another topic or excuse myself and walk away. It’s not my concern, it’s none of my business, and I’m stronger better and happier without that assclown in my life. He’s gone forever – I’m looking ahead now.
luck to everyone reading – it does get better once you allow the healing to take place.
@Butterfly – for me, and I imagine for many of us, it just didn’t register how far off the mark of what I want in a partner my EUM was. And, to be honest, it isn’t fair to them to keep expecting something they are not capable of giving. So, yes, I agree that NML’s post about not accepting who they are is quite profound.
@cece – be careful, he just might surprise you and call one day. Be sure to have your emotional protective gear ready…
Wonderful post yet again, NML! Thanks.
I used to bet on potential all the time. I really did not want first boyfriend, but I convinced myself that he had potential and I should hang around and “help mold him” because one day he was going to become the man I really wanted and we’d live happily every after…as long as he changed and became the man I wanted. I never really liked him for him, because I was projecting my wants and needs and ideals all on him and getting angry when he didn’t live up to them or satisfy them. That wasn’t his fault, it was mine. Had I taken the time to really know him, I would have seen that he was not capable of giving me the relationship I wanted. He was not the man I wanted and he could not love me the way I wanted. I was so caught up in wanting to be in a “relationship” and be somebody’s “girlfriend” I did not take the time to find out if this man was the right person for me, the person I wanted. I was like any man will do…because you really don’t count, your individuality does not really matter, the only thing that mattes is this role that I have prepared for you in my mind and you need to play that role otherwise you are a bad person. It’s really not fair to the man. This is not to say that my first boyfriend did not have commitment problems and insecurities, but had I stopped daydreaming and projecting and placing all my hopes and dreams on him, I would have seen his inability to care for me and love me that way I truly wanted and five years of my life would not have been wasted. That was 16 years ago and many dates and relationships later with, unfortuntely varying degrees of ACs and Mr. Unavailable’s, I’m finally at a place where I know myself and love myself a lot more so I take time to really know the men that I date. Who are you, really? What do you have to offer me? Do your actions and deeds match your words? Are your mature enough and responsible enough to handle my heart, my emotions? Where are you willing to compromise to make this relationship work? Do you really want a relationship with me? These and other questions I now ask myself before I run off and start planning the wedding :).
I read somwhere that we all have potential but if you meet someone who isn’t living up to that potential right here and now, what makes you think they ever will?
Stephanie-OMG your story looks a lot like mine(I explained it better on the forum).I was in a LDR too about to move in with my ex and after reading your story I fell so glad that I didnt.I probably would have gone trough the same that you did if I have done that.Even on our “visits” to each other he would show his EU personality already,so imagine how would be if we lived together.I know it might be hard for you now but at least you are out of all that now and can be happy.Be strong and work on yourself,you can overcome that 🙂
Have You Tried Everything To Make It Work? So often I hear people say, ‘I’ve done everything I can think of to make it work and they just don’t seem to care.’ Ask yourself what you haven’t done to try and work things out. If you’ve done everything you can think of and it still isn’t working, now you have to ask yourself, ‘how much more of my precious time am I willing to give up in order to make this unhappy,unhealthy relationship work? If you are the only one trying, it’s not a relationship, it’s a one-way street. Unless you want to be miserable, perhaps you need to face reality. Relationships are about TWO people communicating, compromising and working toward a mutual goal of living a good life together. Is it worth you sacrificing your life to try and make someone be someone they’re not? No need for revenge venge. The bottom line is; the only person revenge hurts is yourself. Don’t fall into incessant thinking of hurting someone or getting even with them. This negative thought process permeates all areas of your life and is devastating to your well being. Sometimes things just don’t work out the way we want and how it ends isn’t always fair. So, you either pick up the pieces of your life and move on, or you continue to allow the past to wreak havoc in your life. The best revenge is to live a great life. Change your focus to creating happiness for yourself instead of hoping for the worst in someone’s life. Revenge is a big price to pay to get even for it’s you who suffers the most. It’s all a Choice Are you wondering when this pain is going to be gone? Let’s look at the facts. There is no doubt that ending a relationship with someone you love is painful. It’s also true that, no matter what, you have to go through the process. You can’t avoid the stages of ‘letting go.’ But, what you do have control over is: how long you will allow it to go on. When you choose to continue to think about them, talk about them, go over and over what happened with them, etc.; you will hold on much longer. But…if you choose to take the right steps that will bring you closer to moving on faster, you will definitely shorten your grieving time. The bottom line, it’s your choice. Trying to Change Him? Try no more! The only person you can change is yourself. If you’re spending your time trying to get him to change into the person you wish he would be, you are simply wasting your time. What you see is what you get. If you are still hoping or praying that he will begin to be different, you need to hope and pray that you have the strength to fight an uphill battle. (But, I Still Love Him) I’m sure you do, most of us can’t turn our feelings on and off like a faucet. The problem is you weren’t being loved back! What a concept; a two-way relationship. Loving someone doesn’t always guarantee they will reciprocate your feelings. Oh, I know…but he loved you before, right? Well, sometimes things just don’t turn out the way we want them to. Sometimes we have to be honest with ourselves and admit that what we want from this person; they are clearly not providing. You have a lot of love to give but you are giving it to the wrong person, you are not on the same page. Let go of wanting something you can’t have so you can find the love who wants to love you back! Will I Ever Get Over This? So many people think that this feeling is going to last forever. They can’t see the light at the end ofthe tunnel. But, rest assured, you absolutely will get over this pain. Just know that, ‘This too shall pass.’Make a decision to pick yourself up and move on to the next level. You are going to move on eventually anyway, so why not do it sooner rather than later. When you choose to put it behind you, will be the time you start on your journey to a brighter future. Focus On Your Future Now is the perfect time to look forward and stop looking backwards. If your healing from a broken relationship, let go of the past and get on the right path. There isn’t anything you can do about what’s over and past but you can direct where you go from here. Once you decide to move on, you can begin to free yourself from destructive thinking. Focusing on the past is futile, what’s the point? Focus your thoughts on your future and know that it’s all working out for the best. Move On… Do you have a choice? Sure, you can choose to stay stuck in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship or you can decide to move on to a better, brighter future. Or you can continue to go over and over what happened and never let go, then live your life through memories only. The end is just the beginning of an opportunity to take your life in any direction you choose. Things happen to all of us in life and it’s all about how we handle them that makes the difference. No one ever said it was going to be easy. Breaking up is hard to do, but once you get beyond all of the stages of letting go, you have something very exciting to look forward to: the chance to have what you’ve always wanted, like a happier, healthier, more fulfilling life! When Are You Going To Get Over It? You can hold on forever if you want…but why would you want to? If your relationship has ended and an inordinate amount of time has passed and you are still talking about it, crying about it and you just won’t let go; ask yourself how much longer are you going to keep yourself mired in your misery. How much more of your life are you going to waste in ‘wishing’ things didn’t happen this way? We all experience adversitites in life; you can choose to get over it and let it go once and for all or you can choose to remain the victim. Remember, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Is That All You Talk About? If you find that the only conversations you have with people revolve around your ex and all the things they did wrong, when are you going to give it up? The initial shock and venting is one thing but if you are still talking about it after any length of time, it’s time to LET IT GO! What’s your point? There’s nothing you can do about it now. Does it make you feel better or worse to go over and over the same old things? When you continually talk about how bad you feel and how sorry you feel about everything that happened; guess what? You are never going to feel good until you accept the fact that it’s over and then go about getting on with your life. It’s your choice. Should I Stay or Should I Go? Well, my guess is that you wouldn’t be asking yourself this question if you were happy. It’s one thing to go through the normal ups and downs that go along with any relationship, but it’s another story if you are struggling with on-going problems that just don’t seem to go away. If you’ve been trying everything you know to fix your relationship and if you’ve invested any significant time in trying to make things right; perhaps it’s time to be honest with yourself about the kind of relationship you find yourself in. If you’re not working toward mutual goals and want the samethings from your relationship, maybe you are with the wrong person. Be truthful with yourself and you’ll be glad you did! When you live your life with an attitude of gratitude everything looks a little bit brighter,it even puts a positive spin on what isn’t working. It really is all in how you approach the world; with either a positive or negative outlook. You choose! Do You Want To Be Friends…Not So Fast Unless you have mutually come to the conclusion that your relationship should end; being friends is not a good idea. It will not only hurt you the person who didn’t want it to end but it will keep you holding onto the hope that there is a chance that things may work out. If you really want to be friends, allow some time to pass so you can heal. Then, if you still want to be friends…go for it! Can’t Stop Crying? That’s okay. Cry, scream, do whatever, just get it out so you can let it go. Eventually you will find that you will cry less and less and be on your path to recovery. You are simply going through part of a very normal process of ending a relationship. Pain is inevitable, how long, is optional. Do whatever you can to stay busy. Occupy yourself with positive people and read anything uplifting. As your tears start to subside (and they will), you will find yourself moving toward a more fulfilling relationship and…that’s nothing to cry about! It really will get better, just give yourself some time. Facing the Final Day Even though you know it’s over and it’s inevitable that it will end; there is nothing quite like the final goodbye. Those last words, that one last look can almost be too much to handle. More than likely you will be overwhelmed with emotions; the tears will be flowing and guess what; it’s all just part of the process. No one said it was going to be easy, but you can and you will survive all of this pain and heartache. Allow yourself the time to heal your brokenheart and as time goes by each day you will feel better. Give yourself a chance to breathe again,you’re going through a lot right now, but remember; this too shall pass. The end is a new beginning. How Do I Stop Thinking of Him? Stay busy. Even though you may not feel like doing much right now, you have to push yourself. Find things to occupy your time. Go out with friends, go to a movie, go to dinner, take a walk, take a trip, read a book, work out. Do anything! Just don’t sit home and wallow in your memories. Every time you catch yourself thinking of the past, say, ‘Stop it!’ And fill your mind with the things you are grateful for. It may take a little work at first but the more you do it the better you’ll feel. Forgiveness… This is a tough one for a lot of people. Because you are dealing with so many emotions, i.e. anger, resentment, hurt, jealousy, rejection or whatever your personal feelings. Forgiveness may seem like a reach for you right now. But…when you can find forgiveness in your heart, it will be the one thing you actually give yourself; the freedom to release all of the painful emotions that go along with the ‘breakup.’ It won’t happen overnight but, little by little, forgiving will help you to let go of the past so you can begin to look forward to a better future. The old saying, ‘Forgive and Forget’ is truer than you think! Tell Yourself the Truth The truth will set you free. No truer words were ever spoken. If you can find a way to be honest with yourself about the kind of relationship you are in, you will be able to make a solid decision as to where you want your life to go from here. There is a big difference between what you want and what you have, get very clear on what you want and if it doesn’t resemble what you have with this person, then, it’s time to make a decision. You can choose to stay and continue not getting your needs met or you can take the tough first step forward to attaining the kind of life and relationship you really want! When you think “I Just Can’t Let Go” You can and you will let go, but not until you think you can. The more you think about what you don’t want and how bad you feel; the more you hold onto sadness and depression and the more you will continue to experience that which you think about. There is no doubt that it’s difficult, but letting go of the past will allow you to move on. Begin to believe in yourself again and begin to believe in your future. Letting go is a decision to close the door on your past which will free you to walk down a path to a more fulfilling life. Remember it’s your choice. Am I Ever Going to Feel Better? Absolutely, without a doubt, you will begin to feel better; you just have to give yourself some time. Day by day, month by month as time passes, you will not only begin to feel better; your days will be filled with the hope of a brighter future. But…you have to do your part and that is: you must keep yourself busy, surround yourself with friends and family, do the things that you enjoy and be vigilant of what you’re thinking. Right now it’s hard to believe that you will ever get beyond this feeling. When you keep your thoughts positive and focused on what you want out of life; not on what you don’t want; before you know it you will be feeling better soon. Truth or Consequenses If you tell yourself the truth about the kind of relationship you are involved in; you have a better chance of making ‘right’ choices as to whether you should stay or go. When trying to determine the direction of your future, it behooves only you to behonest with yourself; otherwise, you are left with the consequences of living in a relationship that will continue to bring you unhappiness. Your hopeful imagination can leave you with false hopes. When You are Obsessed With Calling What is going on here? What is the fear that is gripping you? Generally, it’s either fear of abandonment, rejection or loss; or all three. Everytime you pick up the phone you chip away at yourself-esteem a little bit more. Stop yourself. Unplug the phone, and get a grip on the fact that you are tearing apart your foundation. Does it make you feel good to be so out of control? NO…it’s devastating to your sense of self. You are worth so much more than lowering yourself to a level where you embarrass yourself. Start to love yourself more. If you have to cry yourself to sleep, fine. But,don’t pick up the phone and continue to call someone who clearly isn’t there for you. As painful as it maybe…let go of the madness that has made you a prisoner in your own mind. Try to understand and define this fear. You are creating more of it in your life by feeding into it with your compulsion. Tap into and nurture your spirit, it will bring you to a higher place. Make A Clean Break If it’s over, it’s over! Do whatever you can to keep it that way. Seeing him one more time or talking about things over and over again, not only keeps you tied to the person, it keeps the hope alive that maybe, just maybe, things will work out. If you’ve tried everything you could to work things out while you were in the relationship, what makes you think that things will miraculously work out now? Making a clean break allows you the freedom to heal your heart without complicating a confusing, painful situation. Give yourself some space so you don’t postpone the inevitable. Even when you think “I Can’t Believe He Hasn’t Called” Your ego will play havoc with you when letting go of a relationship. If you end it; and they never call; you are in disbelief. If they end it and they don’t answer your calls; that’s worse. It’s hard on yourself-esteem when you want to talk to someone you were in a relationship with and they won’t even acknowledge you. What can you do; force them to talk to you? How long do you wait for them to call; or how many times do you try to call them? Let go if it’s over. Don’t let your ego dictate who you are. Then comes the question “Do You Send the Letter or Not?” So your relationship is over and you want to write a heartfelt letter, the this-is-how-I-feel-and-I-want-you-to-know letter. Most people say to write it and don’t send it; let it be a cathartic exercise to get things off your chest, then to let it go. If it’s that important to you to send it, then ask yourself, ‘What do I have to lose if I send it?’ What good is it going to do? Do you simply want to tell them how you feel, or do you want to elicit a reaction? What is the reason you want to send the letter? What if you don’t get a response to your letter; is that okay? If it’s worth having the last word; then you decide if it will make a difference. Is That Your Final Answer? So many times we vacillate on our decisions when ending a realtionship as to whether we should stay or go. Decisiveness is what eludes us when trying to say good-bye. Making the decisions to leave years of your life with someone is difficult at best. The decision wouldn’t be necessary if you were in a loving, mutually supportive, healthy relationship. You know when you’re not happy; it’s when you are feeling bad most of the time. If you find yourself wondering if this is all there is; or, why you are the only one trying to make things work; then it’s time to put your cards on the table. Once you communicate your feelings; depending on if they are acted upon or ignored; should be your answer. Your final answer! Choices We all make choices at one time or another; and then later come to regret them. These regrets also come in the form of a lesson. Unless you learn something from your mistakes, you will more than likely make it again. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You must learn to forgive yourself for not being perfect. Remember,we are all on a journey, our lives are a series of lessons through our experiences. I call it life school. When you understand that all of our choices come with consequences, the next time a decision arises, think through it carefully because on the other side of what you choose will become your reality. Does the Last Conversation have to be Face To Face? Why is it that you have to be face to face to say, goodbye? Do you forget what the person looks like? When you look into their eyes, do you need to be reminded one more time that they don’t want to be with you? Or, do you want them to see the hurt and pain that they’ve inflicted into your life? The face to face talk is a very personal issue. Frankly, if you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time and you know it is a dead-end; seeing them one more time for ‘the talk’ is a decision you simply have to make for yourself. If it makes you feel better, then what’s one more day. If it will make you feel worse, is it worth it? If it’s over, then it really doesn’t matter what you say, just get it off of your chest and let this’face to face’ be the closure you need to move forward. Deal or No Deal When compromising in a relationship you find ways of meeting each others wants and needs without forfeiting your own. If you are doing all of the giving and them all of the taking; it’s time to put your cards on the table. Once you define your boundaries, explain what behaviors you are willing to accept and what you will not tolerate; you will soon find out if you have a deal or no deal. Sometimes, gambling with your happiness just isn’t worth it. So be prepared to walk away from the negotiating table and eventually you will find the perfect partnership with someone who wants to work the deal with you. What Time is Your Wake-up Call? How many years of your life are you willing to try and make a lifeless relationship work? Is it 1 year or 2? Is 3 too many years or is 10 years too many? When do you finally wake up and say, ‘Enough is enough, I’ve tried every single thing I could possibly think of and it still isn’t working. ‘When do you face reality? If you are in a relationship and ‘still’ trying to make things work and they ‘still’ aren’t working, what do you need to know in order for you to move on? How much more of your precious time are you going to give up in order to make things right? The irony is; if it hasn’t worked out yet, unless you wake up; you may literally die trying. Are You Being a Doormat? It’s one thing to be understanding and forgiving, patient and loyal; but when you are the only one in the relationship who is making all of the effort towork things out and your partner is the one who is making excuses for their behavior…then you are being taken advantage of. If you allow people to walk all over you; they will. We teach people how to treat us. So, if you are being disrespected, rejected or mistreated on an on-going basis and your partner does nothing to change; perhaps you need to tell them to wipe their feet on the doormat on their way out of your life. Can you be friends with your Ex? You can be friends with your ex ‘only’ if it doesn’t hurt you to see them. If you want to be friends with them and the underlying hope is that just maybe things might work out in the future; then don’t do it. You are kidding yourself and you’ll be postponing the inevitable. It would be nice to be friends, but ultimately you have to protect yourself from any false hopes that will end up hurting you in the end. Allow yourself some time and space, give yourself a chance to heal your broken heart and then once you are on ‘your’ road to recovery; if you still want to be friends; then you can give them a call. In the meantime, I’m sure you have enough other people in your life that you can be friends with; so call them instead and have them fill your time for now. Moving On Depending on where you are in the ‘letting go’ process you may feel as if you will never get over this pain.The good news is; you will survive and move on to a better life. The bad news is; it doesn’t happen overnight. Don’t give up; right around the corner is a better future. As time goes by, you’re heart will begin to heal and you will start to accept that you’re relationship is over. That is the time that you’ll let go of the past and move on to a new beginning. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Be patient with yourself and before you know it you will move on to a healthier, happier life. It will happen for you too! Wanting Someone Who Doesn’t Want You This is a hard pill to swallow. We want what we want and it doesn’t feel good when things don’t work out the way we’d like. The difficult part is when you’re staring at the reality of this rejection and and you still hold on. Frankly, this is normal. It’s not as if you turned ‘your’ feelings off, they did. You just have to allow yourself the time to heal these wounds and as you and your crushed ego begin to heal you will be on your way to finding a relationship with someone who actually wants you too! So swallow the rotten tasting pill of rejection and before you know it you will be feeling better soon. Are You Trying to Change Someone? If you are in a relationship for any length of time and you are ‘still’ trying to change your partner; when is the light bulb going to go off? The only person you can change is yourself!Communicating your wants and needs is normal. Compromise should be a part of your relationship. If you’re partner isn’t trying to work things out with you on any level, you are walking down a one-way street. All of the crying, screaming and talking isn’t going to change who this person is. It’s like begging someone who is deaf to ‘please hear me.’ You can beg and plead all you want, but nothing you say or do is ever going to make this person hear. They are who they are and by now you should be very aware of who that is. So when you are looking to change someone; please remember, if they haven’t changed for you yet, chances are pretty good that it’s not going to happen any time soon. Many people I talk with struggle with facing the facts. They want things to be different so badly that they make excuses for the way things are. The other day I spoke with someone who continually tells herself lies. One of them is: she believes that he wouldn’t cheat on her if he didn’t have so much stress. (It’s a release for him). WHEW! She also buys into the lie that he stays out late because he just can’t sleep and he needs to stay busy. I know for some of you this may sound, well, plain stupid. But, the reality is: we will sometimes make bad things seem okay; so we don’t have to face reality. Until she begins to face up to the facts that she is being fed a line of bull; she’ll never be able to change a thing! So, the next time you are making excuses for them; ask yourself, what’s your excuse for not facing the truth about your situation? I was talking to someone today about why her boyfriend doesn’t want to spend more time with her. I asked her if he used to spend more time with her in the beginning of their relationship and she said, ‘No.’ Can you believe it? Basically he likes to hang out with his friends, she said, ‘he’s a guys, guy.’ And she’s absolutely right.The red flags were there in the beginning, she just choose to ignore them and now she wants him to change. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. What you see is what you get!
Finally Free:
Everything in a nutshell!!! Thanks for that post!! 🙂
Finally free
Loved it – thank you!
Finally Free-Very nice post.I think I have been talking a lot about what I went trough on my relationship lately and thanks for remind me that keeps me from leting go.I think is interesting how leting go involves much more than just cuting contact with our ex,actualy if you do that but are constanly thinking and talking about him you arent realy leting go.Is like Brad said once,we need to remove all the ties between us and the other person.
Finally free
Your post is like a pill I needed to swallow today and probably will be back to read it at least once in a while as a reminder!!
Thanks! =)
Finally Free – Thanks. I needed that…
@NML – yes, I am guilty of “having faith that someone will be more than they currently are, not because they want to be and are trying to be, but because you want them to be so it will fit in with your idea of the type of relationship you should get from them…even if it’s not on offer.†I SO wanted him to be what I wanted – asked him to communicate with me more, to express his feelings more, to make me as much a priority as I made him. And it was all for nothing – he was not trying to be my ideal partner – that was just a dream, an illusion, and *not* on offer!!!
“I wish he’d go back to what he was like in the beginning†– Yah right!!! He will never again be like he was in those first few months…
“This is why when they fail to live up to the potential, we internalise and wonder what we did wrong rather than wondering whether the belief in them and the supposed potential was misplaced.†OK, I am really starting to see that my belief in him was misplaced. But even still, I am left wondering – why can he not see that I am a valuable person? Why did he use me just to meet his needs?
@cece –“Oye! Still learning…emotionally learning†– oh yeah, still lots to learn for me, too.
@Finally free –“If you end it; and they never call; you are in disbelief.†So true. I broke up with this man (several times) and yet I *still* can’t believe that he’s not calling, emailing, wanting me back. When will it sink in that he never really wanted *me* in the first place? He wanted *his* illusion of me (which I think was someone who also wanted a shallow, physical relationship).
“It’s like begging someone who is deaf to ‘please hear me.’†– right! In the case of my ex, it felt like asking someone who can’t feel for me to please love me. How pathetic was that? OK, time to face the truth “my ex is not interested in a meaningful, loving relationship with me†(that truth courtesy of aphrogirl). It’s time for me to have a little *less* faith in my ex EUM!!
@stephanie – thanks for that, you’re right I should prepare myself in case that does happen, cause as it stands if it happened right now I’m not sure how I would deal with it – just might trigger an anxiety attack.
Just realized that my comments were better suited to forum…sorry
Well i must be the original poster girl when it comes to “having too much faith and betting on potential”. I have lost count how many times i have given my assclown the benefit of the doubt and tried to see the good in him, despite him repeatedly showing me exactly who he is, which is a man who has a very hard time being respectful, and acting with any integrity.
The latest episode that occured between me and that assclown was last Thursday night, when he called me after six days of NC. [I instigated the NC]. I managed to resist answering the phone after he called me two times. But on his third attempt, i answered the phone [why am i such a weak sucker???]. I said “what do you want? He said, “to say hello”. I said “well you’ve said it now. Hello J” He then asked me to come to his house. I refused to [because i just knew it was going to be about sex]. He promptly hung up the phone when he learned i was not going to be coming over to his house.
I then sent him a few texts telling him that i would never ever accept him making another woman his girlfriend [this assclown told me he never wanted a relationship but then two weeks after telling me this, he then announced to me that he had a girlfriend, who, by the way, he had not seen in 12 years but randomly bumped into on the streets the other day and make her his girlfriend on the spot! They did not even court! And all along, after being with this man for 22 months, i could not get this man to be my boyfriend. But he is quite happy havign sex with me whilst he has this girlfriend in tow. This new girlfriend is the reason why i broke up with him and instigated no contact.
In my text to him, I told the assclown that it’s either me or her and he cannot have both of us. I also told him that if he chooses her, then i don’t ever want to hear from him again. He never replied.
Then i felt bad the next day for not seeing him the night before. I [mistakenly] thought that he actually missed me, hence his phone call to me, so…me being the idiot that i am, i text him when i was at work yesterday, inviting him to my house last night “to talk” and watch a DVD. He never replied to my invite. He also ever showed up at my house.
So this morning i sent him a text, cursing him for not having the manners or decency to call me and say he couldn’t make it last night. I got no reply. I then sent him a second text [yeah i know. I just can’t let it go!] calling him a TRUE BLUE ASSCLOWN and i warned him that if he ever contacts me again i am going to ignore him. Again no response.
I AM DONE!! I AM SOOOOOOOO DONE! THAT MAN HAS HURT ME SOOOOOO BADLY AND I AM SOOO SICK OF HIS BAD TREATMENT.
I need to just accept who he is, and move on. Instead of betting on his potential, and seeing gold where there is rust, i need to accept that this man dos not have the capacity to treat me right. PERIOD.
I am now wondering whether my job has an influence on my high tolerance of his bullshit. I am a Psychologist [Yep! shock horror!] My job is about helping people achieve CHANGE. To do my job properly I HAVE to believe people can change in order to encourage my clients. I also have to afford clients something that’s called “unconditional positive regard” [Carl Rogers] so that they may grow and develop. I think that’s why i have found it hard to let go of this clown because sometimes i see glimmers of a decent man in him, now and then, and this makes me think he is essentially a good person waiting to get out. But i now realise this man does not want to change. Its ony me that wants him to. Thats why this is not working out.
Any thoughts??
Hi Sweetie, without knowing the ins and outs of your job, I believe the difference between people you are seeing regarding your job and the Assclown is, people who come to see you are coming because they WANT to change. They are aware of a problem and WANT something to change and do about it.
The Assclown thinks everything is perfectly normal with him. He does NOT realize what he does, therefore no reason to change.
I think you have to realize that not everybody wants to change and if someone does not want to change and does not see that there might be a problem, so no need to do so, that is a totally different story.
You can’t change all people, you can only change yourself in order not to fall for the Assclowns of this world.
Sweetie-Dont be too hard on yourself,just because you are a psychologist it doesnt mean you have to be perfect.You are human and suposed to have your own issues like all of us.I dont mean to sound harsh but I think is important you realize something,is you causing all that pain.After the phone call he havent contact you,it was you texting and calling even though he was just ignoring them.You realy need to stop that cause is just making your pain bigger and feeding his ego(by seeing how much he can afect you and have you chasing after him).I did that too,I chased my ex milion times but I realized is just not worth and by doing that I was contributing to my own pain.Just let it go and focus on you from now on.Im with Alice,people just change when they want to change.You can want him to change and try how much you want but just will work when he wants to change.But seeing that AC usualy think there is nothing wrong with them,I think that is very unlikely to happen.
We have to work so hard at this ladies and just when we think we did it…WHAM…we realize there is more work to be done! Our minds can play terrible tricks on us and not only do these men use their “learned behavior” as AC’s to take advantage, we allowed it by not following our gut instincts and intuitions. We felt it. But hey, it does and it will get better now that we see the light and are making our way to the end of the tunnel. Simply stated…We are sick and tired of being sick and tired!
Finally Free – I love your post. That and NML’s post are so what I need right now. Letting go and moving on that is my mantra right now.
To Alice and Anusha,
Thank you both for your encouraging words. I take your point about the need for people to have the MOTIVATION to change FOR THEMSELVES and I agree.
Anusha i am so full of self-hate right now as i can’t help but think that as a Psychologist [and thus, a so-called expert of the human mind and behaviour], i should have known better than to get myself in a situation whereby i got badly USED by an assclown for a whole 22 months before i finally saw the light enough to apply the brakes.
Also, i am ashamed that it took the arrival of another woman [whom he called his “girlfriend”] for me to wake up and smell the coffee. Had she not existed, there’s a high probability that i would have still been knee-deep in this shitty “relationship-that-never-was” because he has always seen other women whilst seeing me, but they were never “girlfriends”. So it was really GIRLFRIEND ENVY/ JEALOUSY that got to me, not really anything else [like self respect], and i dont feel good about that.
But i know that self-loathing is not going to help me move on so i need to start forgiving myself [especially since i was so damn good at forgiving the assclown! Ain’t that funny? lol].
I am determined to rid this assclown out of my life once and for all. It has been a hard lesson to learn and he has taught me well. And i have paid the price in the form of hurt, pain and wasted time.
Never again will i try to see gold where there is only rust. From now on, i am going to do away with “faith” and “potential” because it does not work. I am now dedicated to seeing EXACTLY what is in front of me.
All guys out there had better watch out when they approach me! If the reality of who they are is not appropriate to my needs, their asses will be kicked to the curb so fast they won’t know what’s hit them!
Sweetie,
I think the hardest part (at least for me) is when we see them as they really are and not what we wished them to be… That, for me, is the hardest part to accept. It hurts HARD! To see that they are users and incapable of a real relationship when we have bet on potential and had faith in them for so long.. (2 plus years in my case)
But, on the other side (after some healing), it really does help that we went through it to this extent because we know we don’t ever want to go there again.
Don’t you just hate all that negative adrenalin when they start playing the push me pull you act???? I remember that, and I can almost feel how you felt the last day or two. YUCK!
When going through the place where you are now, I remember someone saying “sit on your hands” “call a friend” “go to the gym” Anything but breaking contact…. and it was so hard, but after a couple of weeks, I was able to get up off my hands and trust them that they were not going to text or e-mail or call. Then one week turned into two, and so on… It was months before my heart really settled down and I could be thankful that I had finally gotten the courage to walk away once and for all. And I messed up NC several times before finally getting that it was about me. NC was for me, for my healing, for my sanity… not to get him to change or do anything differently.
I wish you the best with this! You can do it.
Sweetie-Right,self hate wont help you to move on.You did a bad choice and didnt see the reality,so what? We all did that at least once in our lives,just forgive yourself and learn from that so you wont let it happen again.When you talked about changing somebody else,I could realy relate.I tried to change my ex for years and I did thought that he had the potencial to become a more emotional avaliable person but I was missing the most important,does he want that? I never realy asked him that and just went on with my efforts to bring his emotional side out(nedless to say it never worked).And once he said “I know I dont show my fellings like most people but Im comfortable being that way”,what shows that he has no intention to change.That is how I realized that I was waisting my time on something that would never happen.Unless he wants and look for ways to do it,he just wont change and I just have to acept it.
A lot of these posts discuss the need for some kind of final validation from these men who reject us and treat us badly. If they paid no attention in the relationship, why are they going to care about your feelings after about how or why things ended between you? When you reach the point where you understand that nothing you can do or say will change how things are, then you are on the way to recovery. Keep on that path. It doesn’t matter where he is or who he is with or anything at all because you can’t change it or stop it or control it. What will be will be and you have to focus on your own life and your own direction. That’s healing.
Did you write this for me, NML? How funny that when things get low, I say to myself “have faith!” Like a test. Of endurance. I’ve done a lot of exploring of my spirituality lately.
NML, thank you for your usefull post…I agree with you 100%!!!
@Meant to be Happy wrote:
Finally free –“If you end it; and they never call; you are in disbelief.†So true. I broke up with this man (several times) and yet I *still* can’t believe that he’s not calling, emailing, wanting me back.
@Meant to be happy – my (((((hugs for you!!!I)))) I can understand how you feel, mine is opposite keeps contacting me but I dont feel better…I WISH he never contacted me, as it will be easy for me to move on (unfortunately, I cant change my phone number)…I was on NC for three weeks, and went to holiday and left my phone at home..It was great, I didnt think about him much…When I returned and checked my phone, I received few messages from exEUM, saying that HE IS thinking about me…and what I DO??? I ANSWERED HIM! Now he wants to meet me and me, came back to square one:-( and ready to be a doormat again even he clearly told me one month ago that he doesnt want to be in commited relationship….
Hello all
It’s been a long time since I commented. I know first hand how it with these types of relationships, giving them ‘the benefit of the doubt’ over and over and over again. Ask yourselves this: would you give your best girl mate or someone you weren’t sexually involved with so many chances? Probably not. Be strong, stand up for yourself and let that non relationship go. Why do you want to convince a sh*thead that you’re good for him? Let it go.
I know personally what I’m talking about as I felt/hoped that things would get better. Things can only get better if BOTh parties are interested in taking the relationship forward. You alone can’t do it!
@Sweetie, you’re a woman first and a professional after. What concerns me is that you texted him that it was ‘her or you.’ He has made his choice (her) and as painful as it is, let it go. Grieve. But let it go. Stop fighting for this relationship that is only causing you distress. You can do it. *Hugs*
Liberty Belle, formerly known as Cynnie as I’m finally free!
Linda makes a great point! I think sometimes we don’t realize that we are still seeking validation from these men – we rationalize it in another way – I just want him to understand (he understands alright just doesn’t care to change) or we tell ourselves we just want closure, have so much to say….etc etc… all these things are ways of seeking validation/acknowledgement/a modicum of humanity/ clarification… It took me a while to see this myself. And further as Linda state when you get to the poing where you understand and **accept that you can’t do anything to change it this is growth, not failure as I thought. You’re changing directions…the alternative would be stay where you are and suffer and suffer… Changing directions is hard work – was and is for me I am just at the beginning of acceptance and moving but I feel it and I can see it, changes in my reactions to my ex and I can see how this shift in direction is changing and for the better how I relate to other toxic people in my life. Sometimes growth and change can be intimidating – but like a wise person once said…the mountain only looks high from the valley…keep climbing (or something like that)
@Unhappy soul – thanks for the hugs 🙂 I’m sorry to hear your exEUM has asked you to meet him, and that you feel back to square one. Does he have your best interests at heart? I hope you do what’s best for YOU, and that he lives up to your expectations, whatever they may be. Thanks for making a good point, and hugs to you, too…
I posted this on another thread however I see it fit for here as well…
This site is AMAZING and I can’t express in words how it is helping me. It is a Godsend!! Thanks to NML all of you. I have been reading for quite some time and my heart goes out to everyone in our situation. I haven’t shared my story yet however, I felt compelled to share as much positive input as I can because you never know where someone’s source of strength may come from even it’s just a word of encouragement!
We don’t choose how or when we will die, but we do decide how we will live. We have to forgive ourselves for frequent drifting and continue reaching out to each other for help to see clearly the best path for us.
If a part of your past continues to haunt you and rob you of your joy, forgive. We know we can not undo the past, but with knowledge and understanding, we can let go by forgiving ourselves and everyone else that has hurt us. It is so important that we learn to forgive. You can never be happy with anger or bitterness in your heart.
No one has the power to take your happiness or keep you from being happy and at peace unless you allow it. We have to remember that we are sustained and supported by the love of God for us who wants only for our safety and goodness and to love yourself as God loves you, you must end all low self esteem behavior or it will become a way of life. May we always believe in our worth.
@Meant to be Happy and all…unfortunately, he doenst have best interests at heart:-( I realised this today…
We just got back together and had an arguement, NML IS RIGHT, THEY NEVER CHANGED!!! I need to read Natalie’s book again and again:-( to clear my naive head!!!
So me and my exEUM decided to meet, he was begging me to meet him and invited me to his place (no caferia or restaurant, no talks about future etc, straight to his place, and me agreed to go there!) I asked him if he can pick me up or book a taxi for me…He answered; “Why dont you just take a tube?” Maybe it is nothing, but it made me so angry not because of tube, but how easy for him to manipulate me and I am like a zombi ready to follow his instructions, what to take and what to do and where to go…ENOUGHT IS ENOUGH!!!
@Sweetie187, I am so sorry…it’s his lost, not yours, we dont need ACs like that!!! I can understand, how you feel, it always answers: “Why her? NOT me?” I am glad that we are here, to help each other and encourage each other to do our best!!!
Unhappy Soul-Exactaly,enough is enough like you wrote.You see how he is and that he won t change,so you need to do something about it.He just can manipulate you if you let him.Stop the cycle and walk away,it is all on your hands.
“But even still, I am left wondering – why can he not see that I am a valuable person? Why did he use me just to meet his needs?”
Oh, I’m wondering this too. I’m NC but ruminate about it constantly. I can’t understand how someone can purposefully uses someone, knowing that it will cause them pain, but not caring because their needs will be met.
I burn with shame when I think about how in the end my EUM told me he was only with me to get over his ex, that there was never the possibility of anything between us, and I was helping him move forward because I was the exact opposite of her. I hadn’t known about her existence until this final dark moment (note to self: always ask about ex’s early on.)
Why, oh why, didn’t he tell me this when I met him? And why didn’t I spot his insincerity immediately? Instead he saw me every day, bombarded me with contact, and made me feel special, special, special. I thought that he genuinely liked me. I had no idea he was frantically trying to block out someone else, nor that he was still seeing her regularly, and taking me to all the places where her friends or family would see ‘us.’ I found out we even met for a date outside the shop she works in. Oh my god.
He sneered with contempt once right after he’d slept with me. He talked about his ex, and how “crazy†she was, and I tried to be understanding. Granted it wasn’t the right reaction on my part, but I was startled. But his look of contempt for me is seared into my mind, even more so because the problems she had I had too, yet I was laying there naked next to him and he was telling me I didn’t understand them and looking at me with utter dislike on his face. Then he adjusted his expression and tried to laugh it off, but I felt so ill, so very ill.
Unfortunately I rationalised it that he was hurt, and hurting, so slept with him a few more times after be brought me flowers and told me how soft and gentle I am. But then I realised all the ‘friends’ he’d been talking about constantly were really his ex, and when he was waxing lyrical about how he was going to start spending less time with her because he now saw her like a little sister, I just wanted to run. So I did.
In hindsight I can see that I was very lonely, and I’m ashamed to say, dazzled by his good looks (he looked so very much like my first love.) I’ve since learned to look at actions and not listen to words, but I still can’t fathom as to why someone would purposefully use another person. The strangest thing is, he’s quite active in the creative community and all over the internet there are references to him being “the nicest guy.†Maybe he is, but just not when he’s hurting? I don’t know. I feel like somehow I caused this, if only I’d been more beautiful, interesting, cooler, compassionate, he would have appreciated ME.
Edit: When I say I hadn’t known about his ex’s existence until the final dark moment, I mean that I hadn’t known they’d been living together for quite a few years and only broken up in the past few months.
I’d like to encourage you ladies to use the Forum. Because it is Ning based you can have your blog and people can respond to your blog – it is not as immediately easy and visible as the main site but you have the ability to post to your hearts content and … this being the important part – keep track and keep tabs because things will always wander off track and get messy wherever but being able to take control for yourself and put some order in your life will help you just not fall foul again.
I am going to the Middle East tomorrow – in the past, with the circumstances of this trip, I’d have been kind of wondering “So … he’s clearly interested … hmmm I wonder if …” and already betting into it. I am going with open eyes, ladies, thanks to the wonderful women who come and go here over time and who open up and let us share. No betting tomorrow!
This post describes a common situation where, in a summarized way, the guy is nice at the beginning of the relationship, then after the honeymoon period, he reveals his real self: a distant, unavailable a-hole.
According to my H, there is the reverse situation. He is, by nature, super nice, romantic, generous, always calls, etc. But, he told me, back on his dating days (before me), he was his real self at the beginning, and when he wasn’t interested anymore, in instead of breaking up, he would on purpose act like an a-hole so that SHE would leave him. Conflict avoider, I know…
So ladies, the hot/cold blows, his changing ways, may be just a sign that they want YOU to hit the road, in a passive-agressive way.
@ Maria,
I surely hope you have a good heart to heart chat with H, every couple of months or so, about how you will jerk him up short by a handful of curlies any time he pulls the passive aggressive nonsense about anything. Respect is cumulative. Passive-aggressive is a corrosive bad habit, harming everyone involved.
Keep him honest.
Brad,
Thanks for your concern. H and I have been in MC for a couple of years. His “breakthough” moment was when he realized why his previous relationships failed and how he didn’t want us to go the same path. We were in therapy for other reasons, though.
I commented on the other post…not sure where that went. So I’m posting here…. This post is relevant to me…
My EUM and I broke up 2 weeks ago…but this after almost 2 weeks of not talking to me, not returning my calls, leaving me in the dark as to what was happening (hoping I’d be so pissed off, that I’d just leave him). He broke up with me, saying he’s not ready for a relationship, that he had been this way all along, and he’s told me so (this is true). I stayed in our relationship, despite knowing it, because the little caring and affection I did get…the crumbs…seemed good enough.
He has really been up front with me about the relationship and how he’s felt about it, he has not lied or cheated, he never said I love you to get his way, so from that perspective he wasn’t an EUM. But he was an EUM because he didn’t know how to communicate very well and would get angry and swear or make snyde remarks about me, he didn’t keep his word, he would not call me for 1-8 days when he was angry and has left me hanging.
Recently about a week ago, I saw him very closely hug a woman twice in a span of 5 minutes and I’ve never seen him do that. I asked him about an hour later whether he liked this woman, and he said yes. He went on to say that if it weren’t for her working with him, he would have asked her out already. I was hurt…We hadn’t been broken up long and he was already wanting to ask someone out?? This proceeded to the demise of “usâ€. He was angry over feeling I was accusing him of doing something when he hadn’t done anything (the potential of asking her out if he hadn’t been working with her)
I asked when he stopped having feelings for me, then he got really upset saying he didn’t want to talk about us every again…we were through 2 weeks ago. When I didn’t let it go, because I wanted to know, he became more destructive. Well while I reallize it was my issue for wanting to discuss things, I was far from being bitchy…but he had had enough of talking and that was it…I was pushing it…he was hating me, that we won’t be talking for a very long time, that I was being a bitch, and then…proceeded to take pictures of me while I was hurting to remind him of that moment and why he will never call me again.
So here I sit…hurt over it. Did he do anything wrong? In some ways no. He had been honest about where this relationship was not going before. And now he was entitled to like someone and start to date if he wants to. Where I went wrong was not believing his reality of not being invested in the relationship like I was. Where I went wrong, was not respecting his need or request for me to leave and to stop talking about us. Where he went wrong was being frustrated to the point of not knowing how to handle a delicate situation, and instead became destructive and hurtful and threatening not to talk to me again.
At first, weeks back I thought he was the classic EUM. But now I’m not so sure. Part of it was my provoking. He has been honest with me. And where I have not found the courage to leave him when I really should have had the backbone to do so, he is the one saying we shouldn’t be talking for a while until it doesn’t matter whether he is with someone or I won’t react if he kisses someone.
So is he an EUM? I don’t know anymore… and how much of it is me?
cares2much you wrote. “So is he an EUM? I don’t know anymore… and how much of it is me? ”
Those are good questions. I see the answers above…
I see him described in these words from NML..
” The guys with less integrity and conscience say “I’ve shown her the way I am and/or told her the way the land lies and she just doesn’t want to accept it so I am free to do what I want and if she gets burnt along the way, that’s not my problem…..â€
and I see you in your own words here…
“I stayed in our relationship, despite knowing it, because the little caring and affection I did get…the crumbs…seemed good enough.”
and Hey, maybe don’t do that again ! cause maybe you have seen that what seemed good enough is in no way good enough.
Also, what I learned from he EUM experience…If its confusing it’s probably EUM territory. Respectfully decline to get involved and don’t look back.