emotional unavailability Archives - Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

Podcast Ep. 97: Focus On You – Want A Relationship? Be Prepared To Say No To The Distractions

September 29, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

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In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I’m delving into what has fast become one of my favourite topics–being discerning. In order for us to become more of who we really are, to become available for the relationships and opportunities that we want, and to yes, clear some of the baggage from the past that we’re carrying around, we have to exercise good judgment and that means reducing distractions and being discerning by becoming more mindful about what we say yes to.

I cover:

>> How getting distracted at, for example, work, by people who ask us, “Got a minute?” or “Can I pick your brain?’ is like when we date people who we know are not suitable for us or who we’re not even interested in.

>> Why, yes, we often know that we need to reduce distractions in order to focus but that deep down we may be afraid of focusing because we’re afraid of committing, and basically of putting our stake in the sand and saying, This is who I am, this is what I’m about, and this is what I want/need.

>> How we’re secretly afraid of our purpose and potential–scared of being seen. We might have secret fears like… What if I’m great? What if it’s hard? What if I screw up? What if I discover something about myself? What if I discover that everything I’ve been telling myself is not true?

>> Why our uncomfortable comfort zone seems to be the safer option because we know it, we think that we’ve got the pain thing figured out and that it couldn’t get much worse, and we’d basically take this over the great unknown where there’s plenty of uncertainty…but also our freedom.

>> How I noticed this pattern amongst everyone I’ve encountered that’s struggling with relationships or some other form of painful problem and it’s that they’re avoiding something and have a or even a few outstanding big decisions.

>> The two questions I explore with clients that give a great deal of insight into what the distraction is a cover for: What was going on in the weeks and months proceeding this situation? It’s often a loss but it can also be the potential of something good. Do you have any outstanding big decisions to be made? Often there’s delay showing up around, for example, a move they need to make logistically or at work, whether to have a family, or even just whether they’re actually going to quit the unavailable relationship track and get on to the committed, mutually fulfilling track.

>> Why unavailable relationships are really just another form of procrastination

>> How commitment is not about knowing all the steps and ins and outs between where you are now and where you want to go–it’s about taking a step, however imperfect it might be, and taking more steps.

>> How we are inadvertently uncommitting ourselves with our distractions and choices.

Links mentioned

>> Episode 96 about my social media diet

>> We’ve got to stop procrastinating in unavailable relationships

>> My Break The Cycle course is open for enrollment

Next stop

If you enjoyed the show, please share the episode – every little helps. Email someone who you think this show is relevant to or use the share buttons at the top and bottom of this episode.

Subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show! If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

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Blind Spots Block The Relationship You Want

June 19, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 7 Minutes

“Natalie, I am sooooo ready to be in a relationship and settle down. I can’t [whatever they’re currently doing and suffering through] anymore.”

I hear variations of this statement sooooo much, sometimes from the same people multiple times over several months or even years, and it’s often after sharing their dissatisfaction, frustration and even despair over what is currently happening in their lives.

It’s not just that they’re not in the relationship they want; there is invariably something else in the mix that’s a major pull on their time, energy, efforts and emotions.

They’re obsessing over an ex who, based on how the relationship was, along with any medium to long-term incompatibilities, it’s the right thing that the relationship ended. They’re often also stuck on The Replacement Mentality, so believing that they’ve been replaced by someone ‘inferior’ or similar, or believing that this person is living ‘happily ever after’ with The Replacement, even though this is made up or exaggerated, especially when this same ex is messaging/sexting them and/or complaining about The Replacement [to them]. If they’re not obsessing over being replaced, it’s often about experiencing activation and so not recognising how it has triggered feelings and wounds from the past and as such, this notion of being abandoned, passed over and rejected in totality – receiving no, the relationship ending, not getting what they want etc., is seen as being a rejection of them in their entirety, full stop.

Some have been what I call ‘single on the surface’, so yes, they’re technically single but at the same time, they’re either in some form of purgatory over something from the past and so, in effect, in a relationship with pain, fear, guilt and whoever the person or people are that are connected to the events, or, they are unaware of a set of habits that are part of their safety mechanism to defend against intimacy. Whatever they’re doing, it can amount to going through the motions while subconsciously (and in some cases, very consciously) sabotaging their own efforts. One of the easiest ways to do this is to be drawn to the same type of people, whether it’s on or offline, and to go through a similar habit loop each time which eventually leads to disappointment, and then lather, rinse, repeat.

They’ve been in a vague, ambiguous, ambivalent, indecisive setup with somebody for months or even years, and actually in a few cases, decades. For some, they repeatedly accept vague, ambiguous etc setups because they want to play it cool / not appear ‘too needy’ / not appear to create drama like they think that ‘others’ do. Some play the Really Good Friend role as a back door route to a relationship, only to be told that the other party doesn’t see them in ‘that way’, or only wants to ‘go with the [casual] flow’, or that they’re interested in someone else.

Some have been breaking up and getting back together with somebody for an extended period of time and there’s often enough drama and betrayal to fill an entire series of the now defunct Jerry Springer Show.

All of these situations are understandably frustrating, disheartening, and enough to sap so much life force out of you, that even if a loving relationship appeared before your eyes, you would barely be able to move let alone step into it, but–and there is a big but—it’s at times like this when we say we really want something but it’s not happening, that we have to be willing to own and know our own bullshit.

We have to be willing to acknowledge our blind spots.

We have to be willing to let go of a story, a version of events that might have been keeping us company, albeit uncomfortably, for what may be all or the majority of our life.

Incidentally, this is some scary but necessary and liberating work on our part.

Podcast Ep. 82: Thick Skin and An Elastic Heart

June 12, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

There's no need for you to try to build a new person from scratch. Move some of your emotional baggage out of the way so that you can see you more clearly.

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In this episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I give a preview of what’s ahead, sharing a little of where my head is at with Baggage Reclaim and my mission to help people Reclaim themselves from their emotional baggage. It’s basically my manifesto for ‘season 3’ and beyond and I’m really excited.

It’s good to be back.

In the episode, I talk about:

The importance of closing the gap between what we say we want, who we say we are, and what we’re actually being and doing – our happiness lies in the space where that gap is getting smaller.
Why we’re expecting too much of ourselves when we expect to land into adulthood having everything figured out.
How we’re not aware of how our past is informing what we’re doing right now and how the things we do on autopilot and the pain we experience from our patterns, are there to wake us up to the knowledge that what we’re doing is not who we are and that there is a different way.
What it was that prompted me to start Baggage Reclaim and why my desire to help people overcome their pasts and to become more emotionally available is so important to me.
Why there isn’t any need to ‘build a new you’ from scratch and that moving forward is really about moving some baggage out of the way so that you can see you more clearly.
Why there’s no need to be perfect or for us to get rid of ‘all’ of our emotional baggage.

Links and other mentions from the episode

Episode 81 and 80 where I talk about grief, family and being myself despite everything that is going on
Being over-responsible since childhood and how exhausted we can feel when we’re now having to be responsible adults
The term ‘thick skin and an elastic heart’ is from Sia’s song by the same name
Clarity sessions and coaching
Blogtacular and my closing keynote from 2014

Next stop

If you enjoyed the show, please share the episode – every little helps. Email someone who you think this show is relevant to or use the share buttons at the top and bottom of this episode.

Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. Got a topic you’d love me to cover? Let me know!

48 Ideas For Increasing Emotional Availability & Breaking Harmful Relationship Patterns

June 7, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 19 Minutes

Whatever it is that has brought you to Baggage Reclaim and got you exploring the subject of emotional unavailability and emotional baggage, if you want your own circumstances to change and you fundamentally want to evolve out of whatever pattern you have been in, you will need to become more emotionally available.

I’ve written this post because two of my most frequently asked questions are, How do I become more emotionally available? and How do I start to break my pattern?.

I’m going to assume that you have empathy or certainly the ability to develop it —some people don’t and are highly unlikely to be reading this!—and what I have listed below are next step suggestions for what to do now that you are aware of the issue, and all are about taking action. Some will involve you doing some research to find out more or to explore options for professional support.

There is no magic solution, so I can offer you nothing that is going to be the equivalent of being at one of those sermons where the person leaps out of their wheelchair and declares, “I can WALK!” It is you who has to do the work so contrary to popular belief, no one can make you spontaneously combust into an emotionally available person.

Oh, and yes, before anyone asks, I have done everything on the list over the last 12 years!

Right, here we go!

1. Which emotions do you try to avoid or shut out? These are all causing numbness or even deadness. Here’s how emotional unavailability versus emotional availability works in a nutshell: When you’re not available to feel a range of emotions – yes, you’d be surprised to know that there’s more than fear, anger, hurt and happy – you act as if you have a switchboard where you can turn off the ones you don’t feel like dealing with, but actually, there is one switch for all emotions, so if you switch off what you think is one or a few, you’re affecting the circuitry to all of them, limiting your ability to feel even the most joyous of emotions, but also confusing your emotions because avoiding some, intensifies others, while some get misinterpreted, hence why I hear from so many people who don’t know the difference between fear caused by underlying familiarity with a pattern… and attraction. You’ve got to feel to heal.

2. Keep a Feelings Diary. I’ve been teaching people to do this for more than a decade and it works. Your emotions are there to help you, not hinder you, and if you consistently have a sense of how you are feeling, not only do you become more conscious, aware and present, but you are not going to become overwhelmed by suppressed and repressed emotions due to you having ignored them. Download my free Feelings Diary Guide.

3. Work out your pattern. Write down a list of the positive and negative traits of past partners, and do the same for family members and anyone significant from childhood. Compare simulates and notice the themes. Remember that patterns are what happen when you’re living unconsciously hence by becoming more conscious, aware and present, including about noticing the things that you have been doing automatically and without questioning the relevance to your current self and life, you are already breaking patterns.

4. Arrange to see a therapist with the aim of helping you to heal from your past. Work with somebody who encourages you to talk and to take action. Or work with a coach (yes, I do offer coaching), or look at alternative therapy options if you’re open to that, or look up personal development workshops, and basically, throw whatever you can at it. What works for you might be different to what works for someone else. If the net result is that you wind up happier and healthier, happy days. I didn’t go down the therapy route but I know plenty that have. I opted for the holistic approach because I was seriously unwell at the time and implemented boundaries and committed to healing for the sake of my health. I’ve been doing acupuncture for over 11 years, kinesiology for almost 12, plus I visit an osteopath. In committing to self-care and moving old stress and trauma out of my body, I have been plugged into me for almost 12 years.

5. Identify your Relationship Character. Who do you become when you’re attracted to somebody or you begin dating or are in a relationship? Make a note of the things that you say, do and think, noting in particular, the things that are a real departure from who you really are and that also cause you to feel anxiety, resentment and even deep pain. Note what you avoid and the boundaries that you suddenly forget. This is your Relationship Character and any role you play is a block to intimacy so dropping your proverbial mask and cape makes you emotionally available. Give him/her a name and a backstory. Now you can note what he/she shows up and why, so that you can become more conscious, aware and present, plus you can compassionately but firmly tell them to have a seat.

6. Identify your common frustrations including the things that you consistently complain about —these are all things that you need to be and do for yourself. If it frustrates that partners, friends etc are always indecisive, look at where you are being indecisive. If you find that you’re always being invalidated, where are you invalidating you in your attempts to gain their validation? If you feel that you’re not listened to, where are you not listening to you?

7. Get conscious about your habits. Spend a week or two evaluating your daily routine. How much of your time is spent being really present and connected to you and your life? How much of your time is spent feeling pissed off but not feeling that you can do anything about it? How much of your time is spent being and doing things that distance you from your emotions or that help you to avoid getting ‘too close’ to people? Is there anything that you do regularly that is having a knock-on effect on your wellbeing? For example, I have a client who was anesthetising with food and drink because she was demoralised by her work. It turned out that it was because she was doing something that was someone else’s responsibility which in turn meant that she was never able to do her own job within work hours.

8. Are you overdoing something in your life? For instance, if you’re a workaholic, which feelings and situations is work an escape from and why? If you have concerns that you’re exercising as a means of avoiding your feelings or limiting intimacy with others, acknowledge what is behind this, so for instance, where this habit started from? Feel that you’re comfort eating too much or that a few glasses of wine have become your go-to every day to cope with, for example, an unresolved work situation? Eating uncomfortable feelings or silencing the words that might slip out with food, drink, drugs etc, or using, for example, alcohol or drugs to get outside of yourself and adopt a persona, are very common ways in which we make ourselves emotionally unavailable. Compassionately exploring these habits, possibly with the help of a professional, will help you to address the baggage behind these habits but also help put you back in touch with yourself.

9. Take a dating hiatus. I typically recommend 3-6 months although I’ve also had quite a few people do a year. If you tend to lose yourself in relationships or you get very triggered by dating, taking a clean break, so no collecting attention online, texting loose connections or exes, or sex, gives you the space to get into a monogamous relationship with you. You will learn a hell of a lot about yourself during this time, including where you might have been using romantic attention as an escape from uncomfortable feelings. Read more about dating hiatuses.

The Pop-Up Relationship: The Temporary Romance That Expires & Never Develops

March 15, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Have you ever spent time with somebody who gives amazing date and yet, afterwards it’s crickets? I did that on and off for four years. Honestly, if you’d met us on dates, wearing the face off each other and barely able to keep our hands to ourselves, laughing and putting the world to rights, you’d be forgiven for thinking that we were madly in love. Sadly, as I mentioned in Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, we’d have The Best Date Ever TM™ and then he’d go dark until next time.

I recently chatted with Margie who has been ‘seeing’ (I use that word loosely) a guy for two years where they have The Best Date / Weekend Ever ™ every 4-6 weeks or so. She thinks they have an amazing connection but is very concerned about how she’s on a permanent date with this guy when she technically wants to be in a serious relationship and settle down and have a family. The funny thing is though, is all they have is these dates/weekends. That’s it. There’s no actual relationship in between. They exchange texts here and there but after 2 years, even that’s on the wane.

It is now an established pattern that they can have a date or a weekend and that he will disappear, and that she will be right there when he is looking for entertainment again in the future.

In theory, walking away seems easy, after all, why would she want to keep seeing somebody who, in the space of 2 years has spent the same amount of time with her that someone else would do in the space of a few months?

Margie focusing on the feelings that she experiences on the dates has blinded her to what she feels afterwards. It is a rollercoaster and she harbours a fantasy that one day he’s going to come to her and say, ‘Baby, thank you for your patience over this last two years. I’ve decided you’re the one and I want to be with you every day and live happily ever after. Let me knock you up this minute’— not.gonna.happen.

When a relationship pops up for a short period of time and then disappears again, it’s a pop-up relationship or even pop-up romance.

There’s a Big Difference Between Interest and Commitment

January 16, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

One of the mistakes I used to make was assuming that if a guy expressed interest in me that he was:

1) Not in a relationship already
2) Over his ex
3) Interested in a relationship with me
4) We had a lot in common (I know, I know!)

From there, my next assumption was that if we were hanging out, sleeping together, plus I was playing armchair therapist, and, in my eyes, we were for all intents and purposes acting like boyfriend and girlfriend even if it wasn’t labelled as such, we were doing so because he was interested in it developing into a relationship.

I was so hung up on whether he was ‘interested’ that I failed to pay attention to what his interest pertained to. I’d feel rejected when they’d utter such guff like, ‘You’re a great girl and any guy would be lucky to have you… but I’m not over my ex /not ready for a relationship/not ready to be cut from the umbilical cord yet’, but the truth is, they were interested in me within certain contexts but separate to that, they weren’t interested in a relationship. I used to make that a me-problem, as if how interesting I was could make a man spontaneously combust into being relationship-minded even if he had issues that meant he wasn’t. It was also foolhardy of me to make assumptions about where a person’s interests lay when I could show up and let the person unfold.

Anyone can be interested in you just like anyone can browse or pick up something and play about with it for a bit, but there’s a big difference between interest and commitment.

As humans, we’re interested in a lot of things but our personal priorities shift some of those interests into the commitment category.

If, for instance, we have an interest in how online businesses work, fishing, and how to make paper rosettes to name but a few of our interests, but part of our plan is to run our own business one day, we’re likely to develop the interest in online business if we’re serious about it.

We might, for instance, be very interested in fishing and do what so many of us do when the urge to know everything about something overtakes us, and order up all sorts of equipment, books, and maybe even a cool outfit to go with it, but never have the fishing rod touch the water or only fish sporadically.

That doesn’t mean that the person isn’t interested in fishing but what separates someone who is interested in something from someone who is invested in something, is the actions.

Similarly, every time they see a paper rosette, they might think, I’d really love to be able to make those, but without actions, it’s not a priority or even a developed interest.

Ep. 66: Why Did We Break Up?–Where’s My Boyfriend?

December 14, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s time for another episode of Why Did We Break Up?.

Taylor and Greg began their 18-month relationship after meeting via Tinder. Despite hitting it off instantly and Greg appearing to initiate as much as she did, Taylor ended up feeling that she was making the bulk of the effort while Greg seemed to behave as if the relationship was something he ‘did’ in his spare time, something he didn’t have much of between a new corporate job and being a new member of an intensely secretive fraternity. A loyal girlfriend who people tend to describe as “ride or die”, months of back and forth, being dismissed, gaslighted and unappreciated despite her best efforts, and Taylor erupted with resentment and hurt, cutting him off at the start of this year. Recognising that she has a pattern of losing herself and erupting, she’s ready to find out why they broke up.

Links

My new book, Love, Care, Trust & Respect.

Listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe either on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please, if you enjoy it, subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps. Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!

Enjoy!

Podcast Ep.46: Making New Friends, Are They Emotionally Available?, Celebrate You

September 9, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 46, I cover:

Being open to making new acquaintances and friends: My daughters started at their new school this week which means I’m back to not knowing anyone up at school. I find situations like this quite daunting although I’ve learned to overcome my temptation to retreat into myself. I share a few tips that I’ve learned from facing down my awkwardness and fear.

Is your partner emotionally available? Following on from episode 28 where I talked about recognising your own availability, I share ten key questions to help you make sense of a partner’s availability. Of course the things that we seek in others are what we also need to be striving for in ourselves, so these questions can apply to you too. I’ve put them on a handy question sheet which you can download here. Note, on the show I said baggagereclaim.co.uk/46download when it should be 46-download–apologies!

Holiday recap: I’ve had some lovely emails and comments from people who have holidayed on their own and am gradually making my way through them. I share a couple of snippets in the show–both people learned a lot about themselves but one loved their trip and the other hated it but it became a catalyst for massive change.

Listener Question: Samantha wants to know how to broach the topic of taking things slowly re sex.

What I Learned This Week: The things that we criticise ourselves for are the very things that others celebrate or even envy.

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe either on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please, if you enjoy it, subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps. Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!

Enjoy!

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Podcast Ep. 45: Why Did We Break UP? #3 – The Affair

September 6, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s time for a Why Did We Break Up? episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In this episode, Katie left her eight-year marriage because she knew that she wasn’t in love with her husband and had always felt this way and a month after separating, she connected with Lucas on her first day on Plenty of Fish–she hadn’t even put up her profile picture yet. At his request, they exchanged photos and arranged to meet ten days later. Just before they met up, he finally ‘clarified’ that he was married but that he and his wife slept in separate rooms and so between that and her assuming that if he was on a dating site then the marriage must be over, they proceeded. Twenty-one months later and she finally called time on the affair but still misses him and remains perplexed by where things went wrong. It’s time to answer the question, Why did we break up?

The posts I mention in the episode plus an extra one:

Want help addressing the baggage behind your relationship pattern and healing old hurts so that you can be available for the relationship you truly want and deserve? Sign up to be notified about when my course and one-day workshops The Breakthrough open for registration.

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Advice Wednesday: How Do I Stop Shaming Me Over My Past Relationships?

August 24, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Livia asks: Like many of your readers, I came to the realisation that I’ve dated an emotionally unavailable man (Mr Unavailable) for 6 years plus I’ve realised that he’s not the only one in my past. I recently broke up with him and I’m committed to that decision (finally!). I’ve been working on my own emotional availability, boundaries, fear of commitment and unhealthy patterns of behavior… and as I proceed I feel as if I was living in fog for years and it’s clearing now little by little. It feels great!

But with that I am also starting to face an issue that is difficult for me to manage. I feel very ashamed and guilty for letting myself down and allowing unpleasant things to happen to me over and over again for years. To make things worse, I know what I should theoretically be doing (in short, accept that my old self didn’t know better and that I’m human who makes errors and learns), but as I’m failing in the attempt to apply that knowledge in reality, I’m creating a vicious circle of ‘should’ and shame. How do I break that cycle?

**********

One of the things I often say to people is that it only takes one. I have been in one mutually fulfilling relationship with love, care, trust and respect, and it’s with the man I’m now married to. I’ve been out with pretty much every variation of both of my parents and I’ve been in all of the types of unavailable relationship, and I did this all by 28. I tell you this because it would be easy to have written me off, figuring that no one would want me and that with a 100% track record of ‘failure’, that I was doomed.

You can't know who you are without discovering who you're not Adulthood is about unlearning all of the unproductive and downright harmful habits of thinking and behaviour so that we can become who we truly are.

You would not know what is or isn’t working for you and you would not know where you need to adapt and change (become more of who you are and help you instead of harming you) without painful and frustrating experiences.

You can’t know who you are without discovering who you’re not.

You can’t know what feels good and right for you without having discovered what doesn’t work.

Life cannot be all the same. It needs variance, flavour, ups and downs. It is only by looking back in the future where you will understand the significance of this time.

You are unfolding. You are emerging.

Every relationship is a stepping stone to the one where you’re truly meant to be. Relationships expose our wounds and show us where we need to heal, grow and learn. Fear, pain, guilt, stowed away baggage that you’ve forgotten that you buried or have tried to keep a lid on, emerges in our relationships. What we don’t sort out in one relationship, we will sort out in another. What we learn from our relationships gets put to good use in another. We can only know what we’re carrying around through our relationships. This isn’t just with romantic ones–it’s all of our interpersonal relationships, hence why I hear from so many people who say very similar things to you only it’s about their boss, a co-worker, friend etc.

You are being cracked open by your experiences.

Yes, it’s painful but if confronting certain things is causing discomfort, it’s a sign that it needs to come out. With self-care, which can include support from third parties–those who have read me long enough or met me know that I have a kinesiologist, acupuncturist and a few other sage people in my life who have helped me along in my journey–you can can get through this.

If You’re Going To Be Afraid of ‘Settling’, Be Afraid of Settling For Pattern

June 13, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

One of the things that used to put the big-time fear into me was ‘settling’. No way was I gonna find myself with some ‘nice guy’ that bored the bejaysus out of me. I wanted love and what I was used to looking for and feeling. This meant that they had to be:

Tall (had to be over 5ft 10 as my father is short so on some level I felt in order for a man to be available and take care of me, they had to eclipse me in height.)
Good looking but not too good looking (just in case he’d think that I wasn’t good enough for him) or he could be ‘quirky looking’ (to ensure that he felt as if he’d snapped up a great woman and wouldn’t leave, because I figured it was only what’s on the surface that they’d like me for anyway).
Intelligent because, well, my mum had been banging on about my father’s super intelligence and his “wasted potential” for as long as I can remember (no childish chatter for me when I was a kid!).
Employed in a good job because, “Natalie, you need a man for security. When I was your age, my boyfriends bought me TVs and jewellery”. Nuff said.
Funny. Good sense of humour because I figured if a guy can make you laugh then they must be doing something right. That same sense of humour meant that my needs were later deflected with sarcasm and they’d combine the humour with intelligence to be passive aggressive and play mind games.
A bit mysterious (read: giving off unavailable vibe). My stomach had to do the leap of ‘excitement’ (butterflies) triggered by attracting a guy who would be hard to pin down emotionally. If he was ‘too keen’ (read: decent, unambiguous, not trying to get into my pants, not blowing hot and cold and basically not maintaining a decent enough ratio of interest and messing me about in some way), I was out.

The deal was, I had to go from feeling in control to sufficiently insecure and anxious to feel that it was dramatic enough to tick the boxes of what I felt was love and a relationship. No matter the ‘highs’, the net result was unhappiness. Note also that there’s nothing in my above criteria about character and direction (their values).

I was afraid of settling but actually, settling happens one of two ways:

1) When you sell yourself short by going, “Ah feck it. The relationship musical chairs is coming to an end so I’ll say yes to whoever will have me”, or “Some crumbs is better than no crumbs and I’m too afraid to start over and go for what I really want and need”, or “All the good/men women are gone. It’s too late now”–you get the gist.

2) When you’re in a pattern of relationship insanity where you’re carrying the same baggage, beliefs and behaviours, going out with same person different package, and expecting different results. It’s when you choose based on the pattern of programming not actual values, your preferences for how you want to live. You settle for the familiar uncomfortable and effectively keep you small.

So yes: if you’re going out with Mr/Miss Unavailable, that is settling. Emotional unavailability is settling for low/no intimacy and limited commitment, for you and for them. Whether you settle for less with someone who dicks you around or someone who is ‘nice’, you’re settling for less than what you need, want and deserve.

You settle sometimes without realising it because the relationship feels like ‘home’ so you don’t know any different, or because you’ve been so busy blaming you or something or someone else, that you’ve not understood what has been behind some of your relationship decisions. You might not be aware of why certain preferences are your preferences. You impose a glass ceiling on you.

I think sometimes, in fact very often when we are in the loop-the-loop of our pattern, we think that the ‘chemistry’ that we experience in our painful relationships is something that we could experience in a less painful one, but that resonance we have, that strong attraction, is largely coming from the chaos and pain of those relationships. We don’t realise where we’re being triggered or that we seek out certain things because we have unresolved wounds to heal.

If who you’ve felt the most ‘chemistry’ with is in unavailable and what might be very painful relationships, a lot of what you feel is pain, fear, and familiarity. If you’re willing to take the time to know you, to look behind your attraction, and to make sure that you’re doing your due diligence in the early stages of the relationship, you will not subscribe to remaining in your pattern because you’re pursuing growth and you want to create a present and future that’s different to your past.

Loving relationships have chemistry and calm.

Calm does not mean that you’re not interested or that they’re boring; it just means that you’re not afraid, partly because you’re more personally secure (hopefully) but also because you’re not in a power struggle and/or trying to reclaim your dignity so that you can feel as if the drama has been “worth it”. You’re also not going out with a parental (or bully) replacement.

It is OK for you to like what you like but when there’s a recurring theme or something feels like a sticking point for you, it’s critical to the examine why you like what you like and that you don’t pursue it to the exclusion of shared values and mutual love, care, trust and respect. It’s not about you being ‘wrong’; it’s about choosing a partner without unnecessary blind spots and also taking responsibility for the type of relationship you want to co-create.

There’s no point in chasing a level of chemistry that interferes with your happiness and the ability for you both to have a mutually fulfilling relationship. You want to love and be loved, not be high.

Your thoughts?

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