Break Emotional Unavailability, Embrace Loving Relationships, Grow Self-Esteem

Podcast Ep. 123: The 5 Stages of Relationships

By 1 Comment Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Soundcloud | Android

So many people mistake intensity for intimacy, and so their relationship begins at high speed and then they experience the painful crash and burn that inevitably ensues. Intensity, as lovely as it might seem initially, isn’t sustainable. It damages the prospects of a mutually fulfilling, loving relationship. This is especially because we’re highly likely to breach our boundaries. We won’t practise the self-care we need to understand genuine compatibility and whether we can meet our emotional needs. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I break down the five stages of relationships. I love this topic!

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • If our intention is to meet somebody and share a mutually fulfilling relationship with love, care, trust and respect, where we’re compatible, where our emotional needs can be met, we can’t opt to ignore vital information that suggests that that cannot happen.
  • Stage 0 (Preamble): Introduction.Haven’t met yet or been on the first date yet. Stay grounded. 
  • Stage 1 (Dating): Prime discovery phase 1, mainly superficial knowledge, be yourself, no auditioning, co-interview process. Use this stage to pick up signs of incompatibility!
  • Stage 2 (Establishing): Prime discovery phase 2, committing to emotional and sexual exclusivity.

The real getting to know begins at Stage 2 when you embark on a relationship. Genuine intimacy can only start from this point onwards

  • Stage 3 (Evolving): Committed to spending your future together. Intimacy at this stage supports ‘big ticket’ commitments. Intimacy continues to deepen.
  • Stage 4 (The Long Haul): Committed to remaining together. Intimacy continues to deepen.

If one or both of you haven’t really shown or said “no” and moved on from that in a very positive manner, you’re still at Stage 2.

  • Even if you’ve bought a house together and goodness knows what else. If you’re afraid to have boundaries in your relationship, if you’re afraid to be you, if all the time you’re thinking “Oh my god, if I do that then maybe they’re gonna finish it”, you’re still at Stage 2. There isn’t that security because you just haven’t reached that level of intimacy where you’re OK with being you. 
  • If one or both parties are caught up in keeping things really intense and not moving on to the normality of an actual relationship, then they’re always going to want to stay in the early stages (Stage 0-1), so you’re never going to get past Stage 2 with them.

Links mentioned

Podcast Ep. 122: Relationship Crumbs, Whether It’s From The Shady or The ‘Nice’, Are Crumbs

By 5 Comments Reading Time: 3 Minutes

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Soundcloud | Android

When we’re romantically involved with someone who’s ambiguous and ambivalent about their interest and/or whether they want a relationship with us, it grinds us down. We accept crumbs. This week’s episode of  The Baggage Reclaim Sessions follows on from last week’s about trying too hard.

It’s pretty damn demoralising to feel as if we’re jumping through hoops trying to keep something going. And yet, so many of us go through this because we think that this is what being interested in someone or dating is about: convincing and converting them into desiring a relationship with us. We think that we have to prove that we’re “good enough” and worthy of love, care, trust and respect. You always deserve more than crumbs.

Just because someone is “nice” or “better” than a previous unhealthy relationship, it doesn’t make them the right one for you if all they’re offering at the end of the day is crumbs on the equivalent of the nice china instead of the dirty and chipped crockery.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • Sometimes we exaggerate how great someone is because we’re not used to being around someone great and being around someone who treats us like we’re great. We find that while we’re not settling for the crumbs that we did in the past that we’re settling for a different kind of crumb.
  • People who give good date When they’re ‘on’, they’re on, and so when you spend time with them, you have such a good time that you forget that you spent however many days, weeks or even months in turmoil wondering what the hell is going on

When someone is enamoured with you in a very genuine sense, they just want to know more about you. They want to be around you.

  • In the end, all it takes is one relationship regardless of any previous experiences you’ve had.
  • Humans struggle with uncertainty. We want to know what’s going to happen in the future so that we know what to do. We can prepare ourselves for the worst (the relationship going wrong).
  • Sometimes we experience anxiety because of our internal narrative. And sometimes we experience it because we’ve delayed on taking action on something that we need to. Our feelings are alerting us to take care of ourselves. We need to reassure ourselves and take action.
  • We might not be settling for crumbs in a toxic, abusive relationship. But we might be settling for crumbs with someone who is “nice” but who is just not cutting it.

If we’re on one side going “I really want to be in a relationship with this person” and they’re on the other going “Yeah, better not let them get too close”, there’s a mismatch.

  • You need to be with someone who is enthusiastic about seeing you and who isn’t trying to fit you into some rigid schedule so that they can manage the hell out of you and keep you at a distance.
  • You need to be with someone who
    • isn’t dipping in and out of your life.
    • sees possibilities, who wants to see a future with you.
    • can admit that they’re scared, but they’re like “It’s scary, but I’m here for this.”
  • The possibility of getting hurt is part of the vulnerability of opening ourselves up to love.

You deserve to feel secure in your relationship.

  • A relationship without a purpose has no aim.
  • If we know that we want to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship and we’re accepting less than that, we are selling ourselves short. As long as we are doing this, we cannot be open to being in a relationship where we don’t have to feel as if we’re scrabbling around to get them to make an effort.
  • You deserve to have self-esteem. When we are reliant on waiting for this person to decide if they want to be with us, to decide if they want to value us, to decide what the state of play is, then we are on the rollercoaster of following the path of whatever they’re doing.
Crumbs are still crumbs even if it's someone "nice" who's giving them. Nat Lue Relationship crumbs

Links mentioned

Subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show! If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Podcast Ep. 121: The Release & Relief of Giving Up On Try-ing

By 1 Comment Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Soundcloud | Android

Happy New Year! After a couple of weeks break, it’s time for a new episode of  The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. I’m kicking off 2019 by delving into a tricky but much-needed subject for discussion: recognising when we’re trying too hard with someone.

Fact is, in mutually fulfilling relationships, in healthy interactions, there isn’t this trying energy to things. We are ourselves. There isn’t this vibe of “I need to try this so that they will be/do X”. We don’t think things like I just try so hard. I just keep trying. No matter what I do… No matter what I try…  These are the symptoms of trying too hard.

If you feel as if nothing is ever enough for a certain someone in your life whether it’s your mother/father, a partner or whoever, this episode is for you. A lifetime of in some way, shape or form feeling and believing that I’m “failing” as a daughter no matter what has woken me up to the realisation that enough is enough.

The release and relief of giving up trying too hard with people. Photo by Chromatograph on Unsplash

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • I briefly talk about New Year’s resolutions and the whole “brand new you” mentality and commercialisation. Ultimately change has to be about becoming more of who you are, not less of it. 
  • One of the biggest objections to making real lasting change regarding habits and patterns is the misconception that we have to change who we fundamentally are. E.g. Go from introvert to extrovert or some other radical overhaul of our personality. In truth, many of the things that contribute to frustrating patterns are habits of thinking and action that we undertake not because it’s who we are but because it’s what we think others expect of us or what we’ve been programmed to be and do since childhood.

Anything that makes you fundamentally less of who you really are is a problem that’s going to lead to pain.

  • Authenticity can at times be an overused term that people don’t necessarily understand what it personally means to them. To me being authentic means doing my best to show up each day as me. Being honest about who I am, what I think, what I feel, what I’m about. Trying to show up honestly (the truth with respect). Matching my thoughts, feelings and actions.
  • I told my mother that I’m exhausted by trying, and it was a release and a relief. I used to deeply personalise her behaviour and every day I recognise little (and big) things about my habits of thinking and behaviour that are based on a lifetime of walking on eggshells and feeling, on some level, that I am not enough and that nothing I do is enough.

What a lot of people don’t realise is that a lot of their energies are invested in try-ing. Trying to please others. Trying all the time to win people over. This is how we end up saying “I don’t understand… I try so much… No matter what I try….”

  • Trying:- Making an attempt or effort to do something. Testing something new or different to see if it is suitable, effective or pleasant. Something (or someone) can also be ‘trying’ in that it makes severe demands on us.
  • As part of the day to day of being us, we can make an effort in our interpersonal relationships. Where things go awry is where we’re like “OK, let me try this…. OK let’s try this…” and lather rinse repeat because we’re trying to manage that person’s feelings, behaviour and expectations. We’re trying to manage what we regard as the undesirable aspects of life: conflict, criticism, stress, disappointment, loss, rejection and disappointment and what we might term as abandonment.
  • For some of us, we’re conscious of our trying efforts. “Right, well I’m gonna try this and this and this because that will mean that they can’t argue with me. They can’t reject or abandon me.” For some of us it’s more subtle.

We don’t realise that the way in which we present ourselves to others is by showing up by default from a place of I have to try that much harder because the underlying belief is “I’m not good enough”. If we weren’t on some level aware that we think that we’re “not good enough” or that we think that that person thinks we aren’t, we wouldn’t feel the need to put this trying energy into things.

  • You always know that you’re trying with someone when they say or do something and what springs to mind is the unfairness given everything that you’ve tried to do. This experience is calling on you to recognise that you try too fricking hard! NOBODY has to try that hard!
  • What we have to do in our interpersonal relationships, romantic and otherwise, is show up as us.
  • Something else at the heart of this try-ing is feeling as if we have to make up for something. That we have to atone. That we have failed in some way for that person or that we are going to fail in the future so we have to try super hard now and forever more. That somehow, somewhere, if we do “enough” that we might prove ourselves. And it’s a crock. 
  • I don’t need or have to be perfect at breaking out of people-pleasing. I just need to learn from those instances that flag up to me that I’m not being as true to myself as I could be and that I am trying too hard and forgetting to love myself in that moment. 
change has to be about becoming more of who you are, not less of it. Podcast about trying too hard and why it's unnecessary. Natalie Lue for the Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

Links mentioned

Subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show! If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Podcast Ep.120: When A Friend Distances Or Cuts Off (Friendship Series)

By 4 Comments Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Soundcloud | Android

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I return to the subject of friendship. This time the focus is on when someone, including us, opts to distance ourselves from or cut off a friend. Experiencing this can be incredibly painful. I felt it was crucial to address it from both sides as most people have found themselves grappling with this issue.

For details of my upcoming meetup in San Francisco, scroll to the bottom.

Sometimes there isn’t a concrete reason for someone’s distancing. Nothing dramatic has happened, there’s no dislike; not hanging out as much or being in touch to the previous extent just feels right for where they’re at.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • As humans, we make assumptions about why someone might react in a certain way, but also about who will be “more bothered” by the end of, for example, a friendship. Someone can have lots of friends, a partner, children, a loving family, and still feel devastated and bereft by the end of a friendship.
  • If a friendship is going through difficulty, one party might decide to do the slow fade. They don’t want to end the friendship, but they also don’t want to continue at the level it was before.
  • Sometimes distancing occurs in friendships, not because there’s a concerted effort or a particular reason, but because life has taken over. The rhythm that was previously established gets disrupted. For whatever reason, it becomes difficult to reestablish that rhythm because of whatever else is going on in their life.

Podcast Ep. 119: Happy Christmas, Ex! And By The Way…

By 14 Comments Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Soundcloud | Android

It’s that time of year when I get a lot of people asking me questions like “Should I wish my ex a merry Christmas?” and “Is it a bad idea to break No Contact to wish my ex a happy Christmas/birthday/New Year?” On this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I tackle this dilemma. Whatever you opt to do, do it from a place of love, care, trust and respect. Scroll to the bottom for details of my upcoming meetup in San Francisco.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • Good Girls (and Guys) don’t want to be seen as not doing the “nice” thing. When we feel as if we were pretty cool— that we were nice, generous and kind —and that we didn’t get treated in the way we thought that we should be treated, we feel that the least that person can do for us is be nice to us. Be our friend. Make it easy for us to be civil. And, of course, not everyone plays ball.

Two questions: Why now? And, what are you hoping will happen?

  • Why now? Very often, an aspect of their life is a source of frustration. They feel out of control. It’s like “There’s only so many fires I can have, so many fallouts; there’s only so many things I can have that are bothering me. So I know: let me move along the line and reach out to that ex so that that’s one less fire, one less conflict, one less discomfort that I have going on.
  • If we’re hoping for a particular outcome, we’re likely to be attached to it. It’s worth considering whether we will be OK with doing what we’re about to do if we’re not going to get what we [secretly] want.
When we reach out to an ex we need to ask ourselves: Do I really want to get back together or do I just want to win?

Sometimes reaching out to an ex is about confirming that they haven’t changed.

  • Sometimes reaching out to an ex is about confirming that they haven’t changed.
  • Intentions: Knowing why we do what we do.
  • Knowing why we do what we do helps us to have more successful outcomes. It helps to avert us from going down well-worn paths that we know don’t serve us. Recognising our intentions helps us to step back into integrity and listen to our inner voice.

Often what drives us to check up on people on our social networks or to reach out, is not wanting to feel irrelevant. It’s like, “How can you be OK with us not being in touch? How can you be OK with me not being OK? Why are you OK with unfinished business?” We want to be relevant.

  • Do you want to get back together, make peace or smooth the way, or do you want to win?

Links mentioned

Subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show! If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast with Natalie Lue

Podcast Ep. 118: Being Yourself – Will The Real You Please Stand Up?

By 8 Comments Reading Time: 3 Minutes

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Soundcloud | Android

Far too many of us spend our time trying to blend in, fake it and be perfect. We fear that “being yourself” will lead to rejection. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I tackle the importance of reconciling with the truth of who you are: the real you. I also delve into why pretending to be something we’re not is about self-rejection, and why if the fake version of us is rejected, it’s not the rejection we perceive it to be.

 

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • Being yourself:- all the things that you would be and do if you weren’t listening to that voice in your head saying “You should do this and you should do that”. Or all the things that you’d be and do if you weren’t so afraid of displeasing others.
  • People wrestle with being themselves when it comes to:
    1) Being afraid of rejection as part of the day-to-day of life.
    2) Recovering from situations where they believe they were rejected.
  • People who continuously worry about whether they’re going to experience rejection can’t be themselves because they’re always on guard.
  • People who struggle to be themselves are often convinced of one of two things when they experience rejection:1) That they were themselves and that they still got rejected anyway. They then believe that being yourself is “wrong”.
    2) That they weren’t themselves and they still got rejected anyway, so it must mean that they’re worthless, good for nothing, not “good enough”.

  • When we blend in and try to be what we think others want, our life doesn’t feel very satisfactory because, well, it’s not our life. It’s based on a fake version of us.

  • Some of the questions I ask people who are convinced that they were rejected for being themselves:
    • Did you pretend to be something you’re not?
    • Was there an aspect of you that you felt too embarrassed to reveal?
    • Was there something you were trying to convince them of?
    • Did you struggle with boundaries?
    • Did you say yes when you really wanted or needed to say no?
    • Were you seeking their approval?
    • Did thoughts of being rejected grip you even when you were supposed to be enjoying yourself?
    • Did you feel like you did as a child?
    • Were you afraid of being alone?
    • Did you play games or follow ‘rules’?
    • Were you trying to be perfect?
  • What a lot of us do, whether it’s in business or life is we spend a lot of time trying to hide our secret sauce: the stuff that makes the magic in us, that brings the magic to our relationships, that brings the magic to what we create or the service that we give.

  • We can’t be copied. We’re not replaceable. Who is replaceable? The fake version of us.

  • When we try to blend in, to be what we think others want of us, we could be anyone.
  • When we have a replacement mentality and so obsess about who’s going to replace us, it’s because we came from a place of behaving as if we were replacing someone else. That’s how we move through life: trying to work out what somebody else was about and trying to copy that and uplevel it a bit because we think this will get us what we want.

  • When we pretend to be something we’re not, and then we experience rejection, it’s not the real us that got rejected. It’s the fake us.

  • being yourself:- all the things that you would be and do if you weren’t listening to that voice in your head that rules you with “shoulds”. Or all the things that you’d be and do if you weren’t so afraid of displeasing others.Only people who seek to benefit, profit or exploit it, are in interested in you faking it.
  • The only reason why we want to blend in or try to be perfect is that we’re still living in the past.
  • There are [stories, beliefs] inside of me that I’ve gradually unsubscribed from over the years because they don’t serve who I really am and where I want to go.
  • Our negative feelings give us a clue about where we’re telling us untrue stories.
  • Friction is the correct consequence of blending in and the perfectionism. This helps us break these habits so that we become more of who we really are.

Links mentioned

 

Subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show! If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Podcast Ep. 117: Needs, Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages & Misunderstandings

By 2 Comments Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Soundcloud | Android

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I delve into the topic of why lack of awareness of our needs and what’s driving us causes misunderstandings in our interpersonal relationships. I share insights from finally reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I’d had various people mention the book to me over the years, but felt somewhat bemused by the theory. None of the love languages resonated as mine (a mystery that was finally solved by reading it). His theory offers another lens for us to consider our needs, including why we’ve sometimes felt neglected, abandoned or misunderstood. I also, though, address something that the book doesn’t: the need to be aware of our ‘why’ when our pursuit or desire for something overshadow everything else or has become a blind spot.

 

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • Every single person on the planet has the same needs. We each have them to greater or lesser degrees depending on our past experiences, backstory, fears, desires, motivations, hopes and aspirations. Our needs are also based on our present circumstances: the quality of our interpersonal relationships and the way in which we’re living. There’s a context to why our needs may be a certain way at a particular point in time. It’s also about where we’re hoping to go in the future.
  • Some needs are driving us that feel like hidden forces, or even hidden destructive forces. These influence us to feel, think and behave in certain ways. We can recognise what’s driving us through the things that we keep on doing, our frustrations, and what we pursue. Understanding what drives us and what we perceive as “love” helps us to take better care of ourselves. It allows us to make better choices and to be conscious, aware and present within our relationships.

  • Each person feels and perceives love in different ways. Our emotional well-being reflects how well our needs are being met.

  • As humans, we tend to give what we feel like giving because…
    • It’s less vulnerable than getting to know that person’s actual needs that might require us to stretch ourselves.
    • We’re hinting at what we want to get back.
    • It’s what we’re used to doing even if we don’t always or even ever feel good doing so.
  • According to Gary, we each have a primary and secondary love language.
    • Quality time – He emphasises that this is not about spending time near each other. It’s about activities and conversations — focused time, undivided attention.
    • Acts of service – Doing useful things. “People unwittingly slip into roles. They slip into habits of thinking, feeling and behaving, and they don’t realise how they’re falling into stereotypes and creating expectations based on that…. ‘I’m the one who does all of the things around the home and I expect my partner to provide’… ” And, yes, this can and does occur in same-sex relationships.
      Gendered roles cause us to do things not because we want to but because we think it’s expected of us. We feel obliged to play a role because it’s “how things are done” but then feel resentful.

  • Friction can arise because we might have needs that don’t fit within the stereotypes [we’re inadvertently pigeon-holing ourselves into].

  • Words of affirmation – Affirming that you appreciate and value that person with compliments, praise, admiration. Basically, encouragement.
  • Physical touch – Not just sex! Physical affection.
  • Receiving gifts – “Visible symbols of love”. And it’s not about the money! Although, actually, I think that for some people, it is.
  • “I’m more than happy to buy gifts [for my mom] but I don’t want to buy them in a race to please and impress.”

  • "Your needs need your deeds". Understanding needs and the 5 love languages“When we acknowledge why a need is so prevalent in our life, it’s often because of a story we’re telling ourselves based on an experience from the past that has told us, ‘Well, you’re only a person of value if you get this.’ Or ‘It’s only love if you get this’ – and some of those things that we tell ourselves are quite simply not true.”

  • “Yes, it’s nice to receive gifts, but do we really want to burn down our relationship if we’re not receiving gifts all the time?”
  • When we can approach our relationships from the place of the autonomous give (as opposed to shamed, guilted, obliged), it takes a lot of the tension out of them.
  • It all comes down to empathy.
  • Sonder: the realisation that each random passerby has their own internal dialogue within that is as vivid and complex as our own.
  • Most friction in our relationships is caused by expecting others to be like us. “If it were me…” Empathy is about meeting people where they’re at. It’s essential for us to step outside of ourselves so that we can see and hear others clearly.

  • Each and every single one of us has our own specific language informed by our experiences, fears, desires, intentions, motivations, dreams, hopes and aspirations.

  • My husband has his way of communicating, I have mine, but what we’ve had to do is learn how to get to know each other.
  • Misunderstandings occur in relationships because each person thinks that the other person is speaking their language. Each relationship has its own specific language co-created by the two people in it as a result of them getting to know each other.

Links mentioned

Subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show! If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Podcast Ep. 116: Conflict In Friendships: It doesn’t have to spell the end

By 3 Comments Reading Time: 3 Minutes

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Soundcloud | Android

We’re back on the friendship season in this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. This time, I delve into the topic of conflict in friendships. How confident do you feel about raising an issue with a friend? If you avoid talking about what’s on your mind for fear that the friendship will end or you do speak up, but feel as if it always backfires, you’re not alone. The two resounding messages about broaching, managing or resolving conflict in friendships were:

I’m afraid that if I speak up on an issue, the friendship will end.

No matter how I approach it, they react badly and the friendship doesn’t survive.

In this episode I share:
  • Why fear of being abandoned by our friends represents a trust and intimacy issue.
  • The contributing factors that lead to prolonged awkwardness or an ending after conflict in friendships.
  • Tips for evolving our relationship with conflict so that we don’t have to feel caught between a rock and a hard place.

Two little birdies fighting over food while the third one is waiting to kick in at the back. Illutsrating conflict in friendships on Baggage Reclaim

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • We all need to learn to be OK with conflict. Not all-singing and dancing, but OK with experiencing it. Broaching issues, dealing and overcoming — it’s how we (and our relationships) grow. We need to be OK with the possibility of conflict occurring in our life. This is not because we need to be in conflict all the time, though (that’s a problem in itself)! We need to know on a personal level that we can step up and speak up when we need to. This is how we know that we have healthy boundaries. We also need to know that if and when something arises, that we are prepared to speak up.
  • If we’re afraid of being abandoned if we speak up about an issue with a friend, this represents trust issues. We either know that this is not a viable friendship and that we’re basically delaying the inevitable, or they have earned our trust but we don’t trust ourselves. Either way, we don’t have our own back. This damages the intimacy and integrity of the relationship because we’re unable to be honest and authentic.
  • The questions we need to ask ourselves when we opt for silence instead of addressing an issue with a friend are:
    • Firstly, how is me saying nothing affecting the way I show up?
    • How is my silence affecting the integrity of the relationship?
    • If I say nothing, what will continue?
  • Tone, language, approach, timing — these have a significant impact on the outcome of a conflict situation.

  • We have to acknowledge that even if we use a nice tone to deliver bad news, we’re still delivering bad news!

  • If you address an issue with someone who always casts themselves as the victim in every situation, you will become their persecutor.
  • How long an issue existed for prior to us broaching the subject has an impact on how the other party will perceive our disclosure of the issue.
  • You know those people who can’t stay in a relationship beyond the honeymoon period or who bolt at the first sign of conflict? Well, some people are like this with friendships. That means that even if it takes twenty-five years for an issue to be raised, they will exit stage left rather than resolve.

  • Sometimes an issue (or what we think it says about them or the friendship) means that it’s the correct outcome for the friendship to end.

  • There’s a difference between a misunderstanding or concern in a healthy friendship, and those situations presenting themselves in a not-so-healthy friendship.
  • It’s OK for someone to feel upset or even angry after we tell them about our unhappiness with something they’ve said or done. Just because we’re the ones with the issue doesn’t mean that we’re the only ones who get to feel.
  • When we get clear on what we want, what we’re asking of a friend when we broach an issue, we can get clear on our intentions and motivations.
    • What do we want them to do? It bears thinking about!
    • What needs to change going forward?
    • What is the purpose of us telling them [about the issue]?
      • It’s critical to remember that it’s about what’s right for the relationship not who’s right. If our intention is to tell them so that they feel bad or so that they feel obliged to change [into who we want them to be], we might need to check ourselves.
  • If someone has no interest in changing problematic behaviour that’s impinging on our friendship with them, our wishes don’t matter.

Links mentioned

Subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show! If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Podcast Ep. 115: ‘Tis The Season NOT To Crush Your Self-Esteem (The 12 Weeks of Self-Esteem Torment)

By Leave a Comment Reading Time: 3 Minutes

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Soundcloud | Android

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, it’s time to acknowledge that it’s that time of year again. Yes, it’s the 12 Weeks of Self-Esteem Torment for some us, where thanks to the forthcoming festive season, New Year and then Valentine’s, our emotional and mental health takes a bit of a hit because of who and what we think we’re supposed to be being and doing. I explain how and why we end up feeling this way and offer up some initial suggestions for disentangling you from any angst.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • Society (and the media) has peddled this notion that we’re all supposed to be enjoying this idealised life, this idealised version of Christmas and The Holidays. It’s no wonder that people who are having a rough year or who don’t have the picture perfect family or life wind up feeling depressed and lonely. They don’t feel as if they measure up to society’s version of “success”.
  • “As humans, we can be like lemmings. If enough people go on about how we’re supposed to have the idealised Christmas, then we suddenly convince ourselves that we’re supposed to do Christmas their way… Enough people come along and say that the only way to be happy is to be coupled up and to have X amount of children by a certain age, and we go, ‘Oh my gosh, I have to follow that path too’….”
  • We criticise ourselves for not living up to the idealised version of ourselves. We beat ourselves up for not being the ideal version of what we thought we were supposed to be for 2018. We beat ourselves up for not having a family/mother/father like other people’s. We then base our self-worth and self-esteem on how we think we or life are failing us. It becomes our persecution stick to beat us over the head with.

  • “We’re critical of our loved ones for not fulfilling our ideal image and in essence not then meeting the need that we think that we need them to meet. And, it’s not that we don’t have that need, it’s just that maybe we don’t need to meet it in that way.”

  • We need to recognise that we’re being marketed to. We need to acknowledge that there’s a collective atmosphere of pushing us to feel a certain way, to feel as if these events are super important to us. By making ourselves aware of this, we can jump off the train of thought. We can depersonalise things. We can even limit how much we’re exposed to.
  • It’s critical to identify what you’re idealising. This will help you to get grounded so that you can stop hating and berating on you. You might discover that you’re expecting way too much of yourself (expecting to meet someone, get married, have a baby and house in less than a year, for example). You might be pressuring you to be and do something that you don’t actually want or need.
  • Know your triggers and get ahead of them. Prep for evolution and progress, not repetition. I used to feel anxious in advance for this time of year because I’d forecast drama. Then I realised that I had a choice and could come from a place of what I want to do versus what I felt obliged to do. “If you keep doing stuff because it’s what you think others expect of you, you are not going to be authentic.”
  • It’s OK for people to be disappointed when we can’t fulfil their expectations. People aren’t rational about disappointment. This is 100% OK. If family want to be disappointed that we’re not going to be doing things as we typically have, this is O-K.

cadbury's chocolate snowman Nat LueLinks mentioned

Your joy doesn’t haven’t to look like other people’s joy. Quote about stressing over Christmas

Subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show! If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Why you haven’t allowed you to move on: self-criticism is an expression of an unmet need

By 8 Comments Reading Time: 6 Minutes

What unmet need am I voicing with my self-criticism? by Nat Lue Baggage ReclaimWhen things don’t go our way and we feel as if we screwed up or failed, us humans can be pros at kicking ourselves when we’re down. This is especially so when we struggle with our self-esteem. We invest heavily in self-criticism and self-judgment when what we really need is self-compassion. We need a willingness to understand what we truly need.

Sometimes we fume at ourselves for ages. For some, this might be weeks, but for others, it’s months or even years. A part of us wants to move on, but the other part that exploits even the smallest of missteps wants to persecute us with images of our wrongdoings.

We keep reminding ourselves, for instance, about what we did or didn’t do in a relationship. How we should have had the boundaries we now realise were missing. How “if only” we’d foreseen the future, we could have done X and totally changed the outcome. We imagine that they’re having a laugh at our expense. That they’re cackling round the happily-ever-after cauldron with their new flame that, of course, is getting the perfect version of our ex.

We repeatedly rub our face in our embarrassment and humiliation lest we 1) are vulnerable and move on or 2) make the same mistake again. Next thing, a breakup or work issue that, for instance, could have taken us a few weeks or months to shake off has gripped our life for a year or few.

Self-criticism leads to character-assassinating ourselves for our perceived failures and mistakes without acknowledging something crucial: we wouldn’t have acted as we did if we weren’t trying to get or avoid something.

Our criticism and judgement are expressing an unmet need. They’re our response to using an [unsuccessful] shortcut to meet it.

 

The more acute our need(s) is the more intense our self-criticism and judgement.

All humans, not just those of us who keep persecuting ourselves for being not “good enough” (because we think it’s the reason we’re not getting what we want) act based on needs. It’s why we strive to get along with others.

Everything we do is our attempt to meet our emotional needs. These include safety and security, intimacy, connection and status, amongst others. This makes our ability to get along a critical life skill.

When we don’t feel as if we’re getting along in life (prospering, advancing) or that our efforts are leading to the relationship(s) we want, we assume that we’re failing as a person.

What we neglect to recognise, though, is that we’ve all been socialised to meet our needs. And not everything we’ve learned is beneficial to that aim. That’s why adulthood is about unlearning all of the unproductive and downright harmful messages and lessons that we’ve learned.

Podcast Ep. 114: Have I Outgrown My Friendship?

By 9 Comments Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Soundcloud | Android

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, we’re back on the topic of friendship. Sometimes we believe that we’ve outgrown a friendship (or that they’ve outgrown us). I delve into the main causes (life stage, personal growth and the friendship stagnating), why this leads to us sometimes distancing ourselves, and why we have to be careful of assumptions and judgements.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • Our friendships can travel down various roads on our journey through life and, yes, hit some bumpy patches, but this doesn’t have to mean that we’ve outgrown the friendship. It’s possible that, for example, two people can be in a different phase for a while, reconnect and continue on. It’s the whole “live and let live” and allowing the friendship to evolve. My friendship spans three decades, various phases, and, yes, times when we weren’t in the same place, and yet the friendship has endured because we’re fundamentally friends.
  • The six P’s of life stage differences: partying, parenthood, partnering, prosperity, principles and personal crisis

  • “A lot of people seem to feel uncomfortable with the idea that their friend is ‘different’. News flash: All your friends are different because they’re not you!”

  • Distancing ourselves is something that many people wrestle with when it comes to outgrowing friendships. Sometimes we want to distance ourselves but are afraid of hurting feelings; sometimes we’re distancing ourselves and blaming our friends while failing to acknowledge that we’re projecting our feelings onto them. And sometimes we delay on distancing because we haven’t found replacements.
  • We are bound to outgrow any friendship that relies on us being stuck in a role. e.g. victim, rescuer, the one who always has to be down and out.
  • A friendship will lack depth and stop growing if there’s codependence, it’s toxic, or it’s quite simply stuck in the past.
  • If we try to distance ourselves with “hurting” the friend, we run the risk of behaving like that person who tries to come out smelling of roses after ending the relationship. When we focus on how we look, on wanting to be Mr(s) Nice Guy, we’re far more likely to be inconsiderate of the other person’s feelings because our motivations are skewed.

Links mentioned

Subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show! If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.