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Podcast Ep. 115: ‘Tis The Season NOT To Crush Your Self-Esteem (The 12 Weeks of Self-Esteem Torment)

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In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, it’s time to acknowledge that it’s that time of year again. Yes, it’s the 12 Weeks of Self-Esteem Torment for some us, where thanks to the forthcoming festive season, New Year and then Valentine’s, our emotional and mental health takes a bit of a hit because of who and what we think we’re supposed to be being and doing. I explain how and why we end up feeling this way and offer up some initial suggestions for disentangling you from any angst.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • Society (and the media) has peddled this notion that we’re all supposed to be enjoying this idealised life, this idealised version of Christmas and The Holidays. It’s no wonder that people who are having a rough year or who don’t have the picture perfect family or life wind up feeling depressed and lonely. They don’t feel as if they measure up to society’s version of “success”.
  • “As humans, we can be like lemmings. If enough people go on about how we’re supposed to have the idealised Christmas, then we suddenly convince ourselves that we’re supposed to do Christmas their way… Enough people come along and say that the only way to be happy is to be coupled up and to have X amount of children by a certain age, and we go, ‘Oh my gosh, I have to follow that path too’….”
  • We criticise ourselves for not living up to the idealised version of ourselves. We beat ourselves up for not being the ideal version of what we thought we were supposed to be for 2018. We beat ourselves up for not having a family/mother/father like other people’s. We then base our self-worth and self-esteem on how we think we or life are failing us. It becomes our persecution stick to beat us over the head with.

  • “We’re critical of our loved ones for not fulfilling our ideal image and in essence not then meeting the need that we think that we need them to meet. And, it’s not that we don’t have that need, it’s just that maybe we don’t need to meet it in that way.”

  • We need to recognise that we’re being marketed to. We need to acknowledge that there’s a collective atmosphere of pushing us to feel a certain way, to feel as if these events are super important to us. By making ourselves aware of this, we can jump off the train of thought. We can depersonalise things. We can even limit how much we’re exposed to.
  • It’s critical to identify what you’re idealising. This will help you to get grounded so that you can stop hating and berating on you. You might discover that you’re expecting way too much of yourself (expecting to meet someone, get married, have a baby and house in less than a year, for example). You might be pressuring you to be and do something that you don’t actually want or need.
  • Know your triggers and get ahead of them. Prep for evolution and progress, not repetition. I used to feel anxious in advance for this time of year because I’d forecast drama. Then I realised that I had a choice and could come from a place of what I want to do versus what I felt obliged to do. “If you keep doing stuff because it’s what you think others expect of you, you are not going to be authentic.”
  • It’s OK for people to be disappointed when we can’t fulfil their expectations. People aren’t rational about disappointment. This is 100% OK. If family want to be disappointed that we’re not going to be doing things as we typically have, this is O-K.

cadbury's chocolate snowman Nat LueLinks mentioned

Your joy doesn’t haven’t to look like other people’s joy. Quote about stressing over Christmas

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Why you haven’t allowed you to move on: self-criticism is an expression of an unmet need

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What unmet need am I voicing with my self-criticism? by Nat Lue Baggage ReclaimWhen things don’t go our way and we feel as if we screwed up or failed, us humans can be pros at kicking ourselves when we’re down. This is especially so when we struggle with our self-esteem. We invest heavily in self-criticism and self-judgment when what we really need is self-compassion. We need a willingness to understand what we truly need.

Sometimes we fume at ourselves for ages. For some, this might be weeks, but for others, it’s months or even years. A part of us wants to move on, but the other part that exploits even the smallest of missteps wants to persecute us with images of our wrongdoings.

We keep reminding ourselves, for instance, about what we did or didn’t do in a relationship. How we should have had the boundaries we now realise were missing. How “if only” we’d foreseen the future, we could have done X and totally changed the outcome. We imagine that they’re having a laugh at our expense. That they’re cackling round the happily-ever-after cauldron with their new flame that, of course, is getting the perfect version of our ex.

We repeatedly rub our face in our embarrassment and humiliation lest we 1) are vulnerable and move on or 2) make the same mistake again. Next thing, a breakup or work issue that, for instance, could have taken us a few weeks or months to shake off has gripped our life for a year or few.

Self-criticism leads to character-assassinating ourselves for our perceived failures and mistakes without acknowledging something crucial: we wouldn’t have acted as we did if we weren’t trying to get or avoid something.

Our criticism and judgement are expressing an unmet need. They’re our response to using an [unsuccessful] shortcut to meet it.

 

The more acute our need(s) is the more intense our self-criticism and judgement.

All humans, not just those of us who keep persecuting ourselves for being not “good enough” (because we think it’s the reason we’re not getting what we want) act based on needs. It’s why we strive to get along with others.

Everything we do is our attempt to meet our emotional needs. These include safety and security, intimacy, connection and status, amongst others. This makes our ability to get along a critical life skill.

When we don’t feel as if we’re getting along in life (prospering, advancing) or that our efforts are leading to the relationship(s) we want, we assume that we’re failing as a person.

What we neglect to recognise, though, is that we’ve all been socialised to meet our needs. And not everything we’ve learned is beneficial to that aim. That’s why adulthood is about unlearning all of the unproductive and downright harmful messages and lessons that we’ve learned.

Podcast Ep. 114: Have I Outgrown My Friendship?

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In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, we’re back on the topic of friendship. Sometimes we believe that we’ve outgrown a friendship (or that they’ve outgrown us). I delve into the main causes (life stage, personal growth and the friendship stagnating), why this leads to us sometimes distancing ourselves, and why we have to be careful of assumptions and judgements.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • Our friendships can travel down various roads on our journey through life and, yes, hit some bumpy patches, but this doesn’t have to mean that we’ve outgrown the friendship. It’s possible that, for example, two people can be in a different phase for a while, reconnect and continue on. It’s the whole “live and let live” and allowing the friendship to evolve. My friendship spans three decades, various phases, and, yes, times when we weren’t in the same place, and yet the friendship has endured because we’re fundamentally friends.
  • The six P’s of life stage differences: partying, parenthood, partnering, prosperity, principles and personal crisis

  • “A lot of people seem to feel uncomfortable with the idea that their friend is ‘different’. News flash: All your friends are different because they’re not you!”

  • Distancing ourselves is something that many people wrestle with when it comes to outgrowing friendships. Sometimes we want to distance ourselves but are afraid of hurting feelings; sometimes we’re distancing ourselves and blaming our friends while failing to acknowledge that we’re projecting our feelings onto them. And sometimes we delay on distancing because we haven’t found replacements.
  • We are bound to outgrow any friendship that relies on us being stuck in a role. e.g. victim, rescuer, the one who always has to be down and out.
  • A friendship will lack depth and stop growing if there’s codependence, it’s toxic, or it’s quite simply stuck in the past.
  • If we try to distance ourselves with “hurting” the friend, we run the risk of behaving like that person who tries to come out smelling of roses after ending the relationship. When we focus on how we look, on wanting to be Mr(s) Nice Guy, we’re far more likely to be inconsiderate of the other person’s feelings because our motivations are skewed.

Links mentioned

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Podcast Ep. 113: You Don’t Have Hold Yourself Hostage To A Conversation (Or Drama)

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It’s not your job to go around fixing everybody’s feelings. by Natalie LueWhen someone has an issue, there can sometimes be this expectation that we must fix their feelings about it, even when it becomes apparent that we’re not at fault or we’re not the person that they need to address the situation with. On this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I use a recent experience of this to highlight the importance of being self-aware and drawing our line when we need to. Turns out, we are not duty-bound to hold ourselves hostage to any conversation. Yes, even with family.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • I explain how one hour into shopping, I paused and acknowledged that I was angry and indignant. As soon as I became mindfully aware of my feelings, they subsided. Without that awareness, I might have dealt with the situation altogether differently. The anger would have expressed itself through passive aggression.
  • Sometimes we have to ask ourselves “What has gone on in the past that might prompt me to respond in the way that I am in this moment?”
  • We don’t have to pretend that, for example, that isn’t someone who’s The Favourite. No, we don’t have to take up residence in this recognition and persecute ourselves about it, but we cultivate a sense of humour about what might be the absurdity of the situation when we recognise, for instance, that a sibling is The Golden Child, The Prodigal Son/Daughter etc.
  • With misunderstandings, sometimes the things that people say to and about you raise alarm bells. You become aware of their distrust, their insecurities. Maybe some issues that they’ve hoarded. You realise that perhaps you’re not quite as cool as you thought you both were.
  • It’s not your job to be the listener, the fixer, the perfect one, the peacekeeper, the scapegoat, the black sheep.

“Just because you’re someone’s daughter/son, it doesn’t mean that your job is to let them have a tirade at you. It doesn’t mean they can unleash on you. It doesn’t mean that you’re supposed to solve all their problems. There are other ways for you to be [their daughter/son].”

  • When we start to observe people’s idiosyncrasies for what they are, we start to feel un-crazy. by Natalie LueConsider the things that you believe are in your job description. It’s my job to do this in my family. It’s my job to do this as a person. Those things are not your job. These are things that over time, you’ve told yourself they’re what you need to be and do in order to feel worthy and needed. Anything that’s causing you to disrespect who you are as a person, to invalidate your needs, expectations, desires, feelings and opinions, that’s not cool. And it’s not your job.
  • Sometimes people want to be angry. Sometimes we don’t want to move on from stuff.
  • People don’t feel about things based on how things are. People feel about things based on what they believe including what they want to believe. When we start to observe people’s idiosyncrasies for what they are, we start to feel “uncrazy”.
  • “I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through that. I really hope you get it sorted out soon” and similar, detach us from the advisory role that they might expect but that isn’t necessarily our place (or desire) to fulfil.
  • Questions like “What do you want me to do?” and “What do I want them to do?” bring clarity to these situations. These pave the way to a clearer ask, recognising what you need to do for you, or recognising that you have unrealistic expectations. It’s also very possible they/you have it already.
  • Each time we become more aware of who we are and we become more aware of what we’re carrying around with us in terms of emotional baggage, we have an opportunity to heal, grow and learn. By responding even a little differently to how we have in the past, we evolve.

Links mentioned

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Podcast Ep. 112: The Trouble With Emotional Blackmail

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Control is not love. by natalie lue, Baggage ReclaimIn this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I delve into the tricky topic of emotional blackmail. One of the things I became really aware of about some of the painful situations that I used to find myself in is that not only did I experience emotional blackmail, but I didn’t recognise it for what it was at the time because I was desensitised to it thanks to childhood experiences but also because I was prone to emotionally blackmailing myself via my people pleasing. I’m not alone in having been through this, and I think it’s vital to educate ourselves to not just recognise it in others but to be aware of signs from within us that we’re experiencing it.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • Emotional blackmail is direct and indirect coercion aimed at influencing and controlling your feelings and behaviour so that the person gets what they want. It results in you ignoring your needs, wants, expectations, feelings, desires and opinions to capitulate to their demands that are disguised as a ‘loving’ desire.

  • In emotional blackmail dynamics, the person demands empathy, understanding and agreement to their desires but doesn’t give you these in return. 

  • What happened after you said/showed no or they perceived resistance?
    A) Nothing, everything was normal.
    B) Their mood, attitude and behaviour changed by enough of a degree that you felt tense, uncomfortable, afraid, anxious.
    C) They backed away from something they’d previously agreed to or promised.

There is a boundary issue if it’s B or C, especially if it results in them getting what they want and they’re willing to capitalise on your discomfort and upset. Someone who isn’t emotionally blackmailing you won’t be comfortable with you acquiescing if they so much as suspect that you’re doing it to appease them or doing it out of fear. They’d rather address the issue.

  • Someone who speaks the language of emotional blackmail presents their desire as being something you ‘should’ both want, and any hesitation or resistance on your part, or quite simply being unable to meet their demand, is read as you hurting them and not wanting what is supposedly in the best interests of the relationship.
  • Their behaviour isn’t a one-off, and it’s not caused by you. It’s a pattern of behaviour that they’ve learned is effective at getting them what they want and/or avoiding responsibility, conflict, abandonment etc.
  • It’s critical to recognise that doing what you think is diffusing tension, getting them off your back or making a point, is a vicious cycle. It provides temporary relief and then you’re back to square one or worse.

Links mentioned

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Podcast Ep.111: Protecting & nurturing your mental health means remembering that you matter too

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This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is all about prioritising self-care so that we protect and nurture our emotional and mental wellbeing. This is something I’ve wanted to talk about for a while, but it felt fitting that with World Mental Health Day (October 10th) to explore this topic now.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • If you never learned about being “enough”, especially if you felt unacknowledged earlier in life or as if you had to jump through hoops, you won’t know your limits. It might take a series of painful experiences to awaken you to the notion that you have limits in the first place.
  • You may have picked up messages along the way that in order to be a worthwhile, lovable human being, an acceptable human being, that you always have to be pushing yourself.
  • We have to become aware of hazards on our journey. We have to start becoming aware of signs that we need to step back into ourselves and take care of us.
  • If you’re people pleasing and you put your foot down on the pedal of effort, how is that affecting your time, energy and emotions?

  • When you’re emotionally taxed by something, guess what? Newsflash: you don’t have the same amount of energy that you normally would under other circumstances!

"You matter too" by Natalie Lue re mental healthYou can’t go about your life as you usually would. You might need to slow down or take a few things off your plate so that you have the space to recover from whatever you’re going through.

  • When you start looking at things in terms of time, energy, effort and emotion, you realise that whatever it is that you’re not respecting (e.g. your time), it’s going to have an emotional and psychological impact. You start to understand your bandwidth.
  • Many people think that self-care is pampering, yoga, meditation etc, and these are certainly forms of it, but they have to fit into a way of being that involves treating and regarding you like the worthwhile and valuable person that you are. Someone can get up from yoga or meditation and still be or do things that compromise their wellbeing.
  • People can only know the boundaries that you express.
  • Going around telling people that we’re OK when we’re not isn’t doing us any favours. We carry on as if holding back our truth is our way of doing our bit in the world to be “strong”.
  • You matter too. Not more or less than anyone else — as much as everyone else. You have a right to factor you into any decisions you’re making, and you have a right to turn down anything that goes against your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing.

Links mentioned

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Podcast Ep. 110: Jealousy, Envy & ‘Hate Following’ in Friendships

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This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is part of this autumn’s series of episodes on the topic of friendship. Jealousy and envy are natural emotions, and yet we often feel very uncomfortable admitting that we feel this way, while reacting in ways that are potentially destructive to the friendship or draining to our self-esteem. I explain the difference between jealousy and envy, examples of how they play out in friendships, and what these feelings are there to help us notice so that we can move forward from a place of love, care, trust and respect.

Jealousy and envy highlight our perceptions about the order of life: when we think things should happen and to who. Natalie Lue, Baggage Reclaim podcastSome nuggets from the episode:

  • When we claim to “pride ourselves” on not being, for instance, jealous or envious, it’s important to consider what we’re going out of our way to portray ourselves as and, as a result of that, what does this stop us from authentically being or doing? What we deny seeps out in other, far more destructive ways.
  • Jealousy has the marker of feeling territorial, this sense of ownership. We feel under threat.
  • Envy has the component of comparison in it even though we may not be consciously aware that this is what it stems from. We experience discontentment and a sense of ‘awayness’ because we pick up a similarity or even what we perceive as our superiority and wonder why we don’t have it.
  • Sometimes we envy people, not because they’re being, doing or having what we want, but quite simply because it’s like they’re flagging up a signifier of success and we automatically assume that we’re failing.

  • “Jealousy and envy highlight our perceptions about the order of life: when we think things should happen and to who.”

  • Women are socialised to compete with each other. It’s as if there’s a limited amount of looks, grades, love, men, women etc., and we’re also supposed to fight to win. It creates a zero sum game mentality, so it’s no wonder that we find ourselves feeling away about our friend’s happiness even when we don’t want to. It’s no wonder that sometimes we behave in ways that are not conducive to the health and wealth of the friendship.
  • Sometimes jealousy is a call for us to recognise how we’ve taken a friendship for granted. We’re sitting there feeling jealous that our friend is out having fun when we’ve been uber busy, for instance. It’s as if we expect our friend to put their life on hold, and our jealousy can be the much-needed boot for us to recognise how much we value the friendship and show up.
  • ‘Hate following’, so following someone online even though they bring up all sorts of unpleasant feelings or we’re actively hating on them, is something that people do in real life too. It’s like a ‘hate friendship’ and it’s not healthy. Where we spend our energy matters, so investing it in actively disliking and judging someone is a drain on our bandwidth.

Links mentioned

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Podcast Ep. 109: The Four Qualities

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the four qualities for mutually fulfilling relationships. Natalie Lue. commitment to self. emotionally available. ownership. positive outlookIn this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I’m bigging up Baggage Reclaim for being thirteen years old, and I get into a subject I’ve been meaning to talk about for a while: the four qualities that we need for mutually fulfilling relationships and for our emotional needs to be met.

These are commitment to self, emotionally available, ownership (integrity, responsibility, maturity), and positive outlook. I came up with these because I talk to so many people who are on tenterhooks, especially in the early stages of dating because they’re looking for proof that this is “the one”. It’s too much!

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • “When we are aware of the four qualities, and we are striving to move towards them, striving to address anything that’s going on in our life that impacts on our ability to move towards them, then we are that much more available to ourselves and to our relationships.”
  • People keep trying to look for something on date one or date three or whatever that they can pin their hopes on and say, “Yes! This person is for me.” That’s just not how it works. People unfold. Relationships unfold.

  • “We can meet someone and get a vibe about them, but it takes time and experience to see where the land lies.”

  • We have to be aware of where we’re setting ourselves up for a fall. It’s one thing if we have a pattern of getting a good hunch about someone and it working out. It’s another thing when we keep setting ourselves up for a fall and going, “I think this person looks a particular way or they say that they’re into this particular thing that tells me that this kind of person”, and then discovering that they’re not, and then doing the same thing all over again.
  • Dating is there to help you become more conscious, aware and present about who you are and what you need. Whatever misconceptions, preconceptions, judgements, whatever we have about people, the experience of dating in and of itself is there to disabuse us of those notions.
  • Em (my husband) is into a few things (e.g. sci-fi, sports) that if I were of my old mindset, I could easily have written him off if I knew about them up front.
  • We’re often looking for hints and signs. Could this person take care of me? Will I feel safe and secure with them? Are they capable of intimacy?
  • When I used to date, I shrank because of my people pleasing where I was so over-attuned to what I thought they felt and wanted that I would try to be that.

  • When we’re emotionally available, we’re emotionally giving.

people unfold. relationships unfold. Natalie LueLinks mentioned

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Podcast Ep. 108: Expectations and Friendship (“A friend should…..”)

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We find it easier to have expectations than we do to live healthy boundaries. It’s back to the topic of friendship in this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. I delve into the subject of expectations and friendship because unmet expectations are the source of much pain, frustration, resentment and, at times, unhealthy friendship. It’s not that we shouldn’t have expectations but what we do need to ask ourselves is why we have the particular expectations that we do of that friendship and whether the way in which we’re going about trying to have them met is helpful or harmful.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • Examples of some of the expectations that people have in friendships that become a rule or an obligation include:

A friend should never let us down.
A friend should always agree with us.
A friend should always be there.
A friend shouldn’t have boundaries (or have ‘too many’ that cause us to feel uncomfortable).
A friend should take your side.
A friend should boost our self-esteem.
A friend should want to talk about whatever’s going on with them (when they have a problem).
A friend should let us support them if there’s something going on in their life.
A friend should call/text X times a week/month or respond within a certain time frame.
A friend should be like us and shouldn’t change too much.

  • “The difficulty with having this sense of obligation about what people should or should not do is that consciously or not, you’re going to put that rule to the test. For example, if you have this rule that a friend should always agree with you, whether it’s consciously or not, you’re going to place yourself and them in situations that put that rule to the test. You’ll get to validate yourself and be like, ‘Oh, look, they’re agreeing with me again’, or you get to validate something negative about you.”
  • A lot of the stringent rules that we have, especially the ones we remind ourselves of when we’re not particularly happy in a friendship, are the result of painful past experiences. We’ve created the rule to protect us from being hurt again in future. It’s like, “This is the rule about what a friend should do, and if a friend abides by that rule, then I know that they’re a friend and I can say “I am safe and I won’t be hurt”. And if they don’t abide by that rule, then I know that I need to go into my defence mechanism and protect myself.

  • It’s not that expectations are ‘bad’; it’s that when we’re focused on us, we’re not hearing or seeing the person.

  • It’s not wrong for us to expect to be treated with love, care, trust and respect within our friendship. But if we don’t choose the right relationships, and if we within our friendships are not being a good friend to ourselves first and foremost, but also, if we are behaving in ways that lower our self-esteem, we’re doing ourselves a disservice and it’s wrong for us to have the expectations that we do.

  • In the process of being a good friend to someone who isn’t a good friend to you, you’ve not been a good friend to yourself.

  • “When we have a big focus on expectations, it’s because we’re more comfortable having expectations than we are in having boundaries.”
  • Any expectations need to be specific to the relationship and based on who that person is.1. Why do I have this expectation?
    2. What happened in the past that I felt the need to create this rule and protect myself?
    3. No matter how benign my rule appears to be, how is it hurting me or damaging the friendship? e.g. A friend should… Also, what do you feel that breaking the rule allows you to do? e.g. If you believe that a friend should never let you down, what do you feel that you have the right to say or do as a result?
    4. Are all the things that you do to follow the rule in yours or the friendship’s interest? e.g. giving up good friendships to take the side of an someone who isn’t a good friend.
    5. What’s your threshold for friendship? What does it take for you to call someone a friend?

Links mentioned

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Podcast Ep. 107: Getting Grounded About Intuition and Anxiety

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This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is on the topic of anxiety and intuition. I speak to so many people who feel confused because they’re experiencing anxiety at the same time as their intuition is trying to communicate with them. While working on some new classes about distinguishing intuition from fear and ego, I wrote the following:

“If, for example, you’ve routinely ignored your intuition when dating and in relationships, maybe putting libido, fear of being alone, fear of rejection, avoiding feelings, your lack of self-worth and what you hope to ‘get’ from them ahead of your wellbeing and being authentically you, guess what? You are going to feel afraid the next time you date or are in a relationship regardless of whether they’re similar to the past or are a healthier partner. Those experiences and your responses trained your subconscious to believe that you in a dating or relationship situation equals danger, distress, crying and obsessing for months on end. You can’t exactly blame you for being afraid!”

After sharing this with a few clients this week, I felt inspired to share it with you guys in this deep-dive on the topic.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • Anxiety is a call for us to reassure ourselves and/or take action.
  • Fear (including anxiety) and intuition produce feelings in our body.
  • Our intuition serves us an impression about something without conscious reasoning and knowledge, but we also need to recognise that we have lots of information filed away in our subconscious. These impressions can be triggered by a sound, mannerism, language, tone, the setting and so much more — we’re just not consciously aware of this. This means that can be good, concrete reasons for sensing something that we’re just quite simply unaware of.
  • In situations where we’ve routinely ignored ourselves, intuition and anxiety are both right to show up.
  • We put a lot of pressure on ourselves by treating our intuition like a quality controller or fortune teller.
  • “If you routinely disregard your intuition, although it will still try to communicate with you, it may be difficult to hear it over the chatter of fear.”

 

  • “It’s worth considering whether your anxiety is going extra OTT because you don’t typically heed your intuition… Maybe it’s our body’s way of really trying to, in a hyperactive way, force us to pay attention because we haven’t and won’t pay attention to smaller signs.”

  • Feeling anxious and afraid while dating somebody doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to jump ship, but it does mean that you need to be conscious, aware and present. If you ignore something about the person or the relationship that clearly communicates that you don’t share core values, that you’re incompatible, that it’s an unhealthy situation, anxiety will be there to try to make you take action. Continuing to date or continuing to be in a relationship in the same way that you have previously, doing the same habits that have led you into trouble, will not bode well for your well-being, the relationship or what you truly need and want in the future. That’s what your fear and your intuition are trying to communicate to you.
  • Sometimes we feel afraid in response to intuition because we’re afraid of what it’s expecting of us. It might be that your fear is requiring you to be something different to who you were in the past.
  • Sometimes our fear is afraid that we’re going to be who we were before.
  • Fear [outside of actual danger situations] is often a signifier that you need to get grounded and remember who you are and what you’re doing.

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Podcast Ep. 106: Friendship Means Different Things To Different People

By 18 Comments Reading Time: 4 Minutes

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This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions marks the beginning of a series of episodes that I’ll be doing on the subject of friendship. There will be several episodes between now and the end of the year, and my aim is for it to be an in-depth, compassionate exploration into friendship so that you:

  • Become more aware of what friendship means to you including recognising any unhealthy patterns.
  • Appreciate and nourish the good, loving friendships in your life.
  • Make shifts in dynamics that are revealing themselves to be unworkable.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • Family puts us in the position of engaging with some people who we potentially wouldn’t under other circumstances. Friends are the family we would choose for ourselves… but we might be choosing friendships that recreate the very dynamics we’re trying to escape.
  • When we consider what the terms ‘friend’ and ‘friendship’ mean, it offers clues about why issues can arise.

The friendship might not be mutual, it might lack consistent mutual affection, and we might have clashing expectations of our friendships or be in them for the wrong reasons.

  • A prime example of where friendship means different things to different people is when it comes to social media. So many people experience anxiety and resentment due to feeling neglected by someone they’ve connected with online. We might be somebody who doesn’t add someone as a friend on Facebook unless we consider them to be a friend. This creates certain expectations. They might be someone who adds people on Facebook within minutes of chatting!
  • It’s okay to be different, to have differences, to get pissed off or irritated at times with our friends, but if tension defines the consistent state of a friendship, it’s a code red alert that something is very wrong. Keep in mind, also, that it’s so easy for us to miss the wood for the trees. We spend our time analysing the hell out of the person or trying to fix them instead of acknowledging that how we’re thinking, feeling and behaving is the clue to where we need to make a change.
  • Sometimes we’re so busy focusing on our picture of things and how we’re being a ‘good friend’ in our role within the friendship that we’re not present to the friendship. By playing a role, we create expectations and obligations about what we think we should be getting back — and this guarantees tension and resentment.
  • Overgiving, neglect and resentment are major signs that the friendship is not mutual.
  • Some friendships are based on a pattern of being friends with a bully. We’re trying to right the wrongs of the past or hang out with bullies to avoid experiencing harsher consequences by being on the outside. This isn’t friendship!

  • Some of us behave in our friendships like we would in a bad marriage. “You know you both can’t stand it, but you’re just going to continue on anyway.”

  • For those of us where tension, boundary issues, unmet needs, trauma, friction were part of our childhood, where these were a representation of what family meant to us, that is what a lot of people’s friendships are about.
  • If we’re in a friendship for the wrong reason(s), it will become increasingly painful to remain in it for those reasons.
  • We people-please in unhealthy friendships to show them how to behave, to create a tipping point where they will finally step up and make things mutual by reciprocating.
  • Compassionately investigate the nature of your friendships.
    • Sit down in a quiet space for a few moments. Take a few deep breaths, and then mentally run through your close friendships. How do you feel?
    • Or, make a list of your friends. Go through the list one by one. Which people energise you and which friendships are draining?
    • Do you like who you are in your friendships?
    • Do you feel as if you’re a better friend than they are to you, and if so, why?
    • Do you have a role that you play in your friendships? Examples: piggy in the middle, the rescuer, the life coach, the odd one out, queen bee, the centre of attention, the one in the background. Where and why did you learn to play this role? What do you get out of playing it? How does this role make you feel? In order for you to play your role, who do they have to be? So, what’s their role?
    • Who were you when these friendships were formed? Are their some friendships that haven’t grown with you?
    • Finish the sentences:
      • A good friend….
      • Friends should…
        • These are your rules about friendship. Where are your rules creating tension, resentment and imbalances? How do your rules make you feel?

 

Links mentioned

Next stop

If you enjoyed the show, please share the episode – every little helps. Email someone who you think this show is relevant to or use the share buttons at the top and bottom of this episode.

Subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show! If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.