Break Emotional Unavailability, Embrace Loving Relationships, Grow Self-Esteem

Podcast Ep. 108: Expectations and Friendship (“A friend should…..”)

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We find it easier to have expectations than we do to live healthy boundaries. It’s back to the topic of friendship in this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. I delve into the subject of expectations and friendship because unmet expectations are the source of much pain, frustration, resentment and, at times, unhealthy friendship. It’s not that we shouldn’t have expectations but what we do need to ask ourselves is why we have the particular expectations that we do of that friendship and whether the way in which we’re going about trying to have them met is helpful or harmful.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • Examples of some of the expectations that people have in friendships that become a rule or an obligation include:

A friend should never let us down.
A friend should always agree with us.
A friend should always be there.
A friend shouldn’t have boundaries (or have ‘too many’ that cause us to feel uncomfortable).
A friend should take your side.
A friend should boost our self-esteem.
A friend should want to talk about whatever’s going on with them (when they have a problem).
A friend should let us support them if there’s something going on in their life.
A friend should call/text X times a week/month or respond within a certain time frame.
A friend should be like us and shouldn’t change too much.

  • “The difficulty with having this sense of obligation about what people should or should not do is that consciously or not, you’re going to put that rule to the test. For example, if you have this rule that a friend should always agree with you, whether it’s consciously or not, you’re going to place yourself and them in situations that put that rule to the test. You’ll get to validate yourself and be like, ‘Oh, look, they’re agreeing with me again’, or you get to validate something negative about you.”
  • A lot of the stringent rules that we have, especially the ones we remind ourselves of when we’re not particularly happy in a friendship, are the result of painful past experiences. We’ve created the rule to protect us from being hurt again in future. It’s like, “This is the rule about what a friend should do, and if a friend abides by that rule, then I know that they’re a friend and I can say “I am safe and I won’t be hurt”. And if they don’t abide by that rule, then I know that I need to go into my defence mechanism and protect myself.

  • It’s not that expectations are ‘bad’; it’s that when we’re focused on us, we’re not hearing or seeing the person.

  • It’s not wrong for us to expect to be treated with love, care, trust and respect within our friendship. But if we don’t choose the right relationships, and if we within our friendships are not being a good friend to ourselves first and foremost, but also, if we are behaving in ways that lower our self-esteem, we’re doing ourselves a disservice and it’s wrong for us to have the expectations that we do.

  • In the process of being a good friend to someone who isn’t a good friend to you, you’ve not been a good friend to yourself.

  • “When we have a big focus on expectations, it’s because we’re more comfortable having expectations than we are in having boundaries.”
  • Any expectations need to be specific to the relationship and based on who that person is.1. Why do I have this expectation?
    2. What happened in the past that I felt the need to create this rule and protect myself?
    3. No matter how benign my rule appears to be, how is it hurting me or damaging the friendship? e.g. A friend should… Also, what do you feel that breaking the rule allows you to do? e.g. If you believe that a friend should never let you down, what do you feel that you have the right to say or do as a result?
    4. Are all the things that you do to follow the rule in yours or the friendship’s interest? e.g. giving up good friendships to take the side of an someone who isn’t a good friend.
    5. What’s your threshold for friendship? What does it take for you to call someone a friend?

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Podcast Ep. 107: Getting Grounded About Intuition and Anxiety

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This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is on the topic of anxiety and intuition. I speak to so many people who feel confused because they’re experiencing anxiety at the same time as their intuition is trying to communicate with them. While working on some new classes about distinguishing intuition from fear and ego, I wrote the following:

“If, for example, you’ve routinely ignored your intuition when dating and in relationships, maybe putting libido, fear of being alone, fear of rejection, avoiding feelings, your lack of self-worth and what you hope to ‘get’ from them ahead of your wellbeing and being authentically you, guess what? You are going to feel afraid the next time you date or are in a relationship regardless of whether they’re similar to the past or are a healthier partner. Those experiences and your responses trained your subconscious to believe that you in a dating or relationship situation equals danger, distress, crying and obsessing for months on end. You can’t exactly blame you for being afraid!”

After sharing this with a few clients this week, I felt inspired to share it with you guys in this deep-dive on the topic.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • Anxiety is a call for us to reassure ourselves and/or take action.
  • Fear (including anxiety) and intuition produce feelings in our body.
  • Our intuition serves us an impression about something without conscious reasoning and knowledge, but we also need to recognise that we have lots of information filed away in our subconscious. These impressions can be triggered by a sound, mannerism, language, tone, the setting and so much more — we’re just not consciously aware of this. This means that can be good, concrete reasons for sensing something that we’re just quite simply unaware of.
  • In situations where we’ve routinely ignored ourselves, intuition and anxiety are both right to show up.
  • We put a lot of pressure on ourselves by treating our intuition like a quality controller or fortune teller.
  • “If you routinely disregard your intuition, although it will still try to communicate with you, it may be difficult to hear it over the chatter of fear.”

 

  • “It’s worth considering whether your anxiety is going extra OTT because you don’t typically heed your intuition… Maybe it’s our body’s way of really trying to, in a hyperactive way, force us to pay attention because we haven’t and won’t pay attention to smaller signs.”

  • Feeling anxious and afraid while dating somebody doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to jump ship, but it does mean that you need to be conscious, aware and present. If you ignore something about the person or the relationship that clearly communicates that you don’t share core values, that you’re incompatible, that it’s an unhealthy situation, anxiety will be there to try to make you take action. Continuing to date or continuing to be in a relationship in the same way that you have previously, doing the same habits that have led you into trouble, will not bode well for your well-being, the relationship or what you truly need and want in the future. That’s what your fear and your intuition are trying to communicate to you.
  • Sometimes we feel afraid in response to intuition because we’re afraid of what it’s expecting of us. It might be that your fear is requiring you to be something different to who you were in the past.
  • Sometimes our fear is afraid that we’re going to be who we were before.
  • Fear [outside of actual danger situations] is often a signifier that you need to get grounded and remember who you are and what you’re doing.

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Podcast Ep. 106: Friendship Means Different Things To Different People

By 9 Comments Reading Time: 4 Minutes

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This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions marks the beginning of a series of episodes that I’ll be doing on the subject of friendship. There will be several episodes between now and the end of the year, and my aim is for it to be an in-depth, compassionate exploration into friendship so that you:

  • Become more aware of what friendship means to you including recognising any unhealthy patterns.
  • Appreciate and nourish the good, loving friendships in your life.
  • Make shifts in dynamics that are revealing themselves to be unworkable.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • Family puts us in the position of engaging with some people who we potentially wouldn’t under other circumstances. Friends are the family we would choose for ourselves… but we might be choosing friendships that recreate the very dynamics we’re trying to escape.
  • When we consider what the terms ‘friend’ and ‘friendship’ mean, it offers clues about why issues can arise.

The friendship might not be mutual, it might lack consistent mutual affection, and we might have clashing expectations of our friendships or be in them for the wrong reasons.

  • A prime example of where friendship means different things to different people is when it comes to social media. So many people experience anxiety and resentment due to feeling neglected by someone they’ve connected with online. We might be somebody who doesn’t add someone as a friend on Facebook unless we consider them to be a friend. This creates certain expectations. They might be someone who adds people on Facebook within minutes of chatting!
  • It’s okay to be different, to have differences, to get pissed off or irritated at times with our friends, but if tension defines the consistent state of a friendship, it’s a code red alert that something is very wrong. Keep in mind, also, that it’s so easy for us to miss the wood for the trees. We spend our time analysing the hell out of the person or trying to fix them instead of acknowledging that how we’re thinking, feeling and behaving is the clue to where we need to make a change.
  • Sometimes we’re so busy focusing on our picture of things and how we’re being a ‘good friend’ in our role within the friendship that we’re not present to the friendship. By playing a role, we create expectations and obligations about what we think we should be getting back — and this guarantees tension and resentment.
  • Overgiving, neglect and resentment are major signs that the friendship is not mutual.
  • Some friendships are based on a pattern of being friends with a bully. We’re trying to right the wrongs of the past or hang out with bullies to avoid experiencing harsher consequences by being on the outside. This isn’t friendship!

  • Some of us behave in our friendships like we would in a bad marriage. “You know you both can’t stand it, but you’re just going to continue on anyway.”

  • For those of us where tension, boundary issues, unmet needs, trauma, friction were part of our childhood, where these were a representation of what family meant to us, that is what a lot of people’s friendships are about.
  • If we’re in a friendship for the wrong reason(s), it will become increasingly painful to remain in it for those reasons.
  • We people-please in unhealthy friendships to show them how to behave, to create a tipping point where they will finally step up and make things mutual by reciprocating.
  • Compassionately investigate the nature of your friendships.
    • Sit down in a quiet space for a few moments. Take a few deep breaths, and then mentally run through your close friendships. How do you feel?
    • Or, make a list of your friends. Go through the list one by one. Which people energise you and which friendships are draining?
    • Do you like who you are in your friendships?
    • Do you feel as if you’re a better friend than they are to you, and if so, why?
    • Do you have a role that you play in your friendships? Examples: piggy in the middle, the rescuer, the life coach, the odd one out, queen bee, the centre of attention, the one in the background. Where and why did you learn to play this role? What do you get out of playing it? How does this role make you feel? In order for you to play your role, who do they have to be? So, what’s their role?
    • Who were you when these friendships were formed? Are their some friendships that haven’t grown with you?
    • Finish the sentences:
      • A good friend….
      • Friends should…
        • These are your rules about friendship. Where are your rules creating tension, resentment and imbalances? How do your rules make you feel?

 

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Podcast Ep. 105: Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

By 3 Comments Reading Time: 4 Minutes

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In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I explore seven key reoccurring themes in stories people share with me that highlight their complicated relationship with apologies.

  1. Believing that we’re unworthy of an apology when people don’t behave how we’d like them to after we’ve pointed out what they did wrong
  2. Assuming that an apology should lead to a change in behaviour
  3. Feeling obliged to press reset after receiving an apology
  4. Feeling guilty because someone has done us wrong and needs to apologise
  5. Backing down and then feeling bad when they don’t
  6. Believing that we don’t have to apologise to someone due to having given them a free pass in the past
  7. Believing that we can’t move on until we get the apology we’re waiting for

Inner peace is ours when we make amends for giving ourselves a hard time about someone else’s actions. By Natalie Lue. Quote about apologies

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • The first experiences of friendship with family members (siblings, cousins) or with our peers at school are often in the background of present-day experiences, sometimes affecting our ability to forge intimate relationships due to trust issues.
  • “When we apologise, it’s not always because we did something intentionally and with bad intentions. Sometimes we do things, and they are well-intentioned, but what results causes some level of issue, and even though it’s an unintended consequence, we can find ourselves in need of apologising.”
  • Sometimes [the apologiser] wants you to hurry the hell up and accept their apology so that they can get back to doing the very thing that they know you don’t like.
  • “It’s part of our intimate relationships that sometimes we’re going to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, and we’re going to do our best to make amends, to make things right. And sometimes making things right is apologising — that acknowledgement, that recognition. As humans, we want to be seen. We want to be heard. In those moments when people don’t bother to recognise, to empathise with our position and where we’re coming from, to recognise and empathise with how what they’ve said or done has impacted on us, it makes us feel unseen. We feel devalued. We feel unrecognised.”
  • We have to take ownership of the narrative within — the things we say to and about ourselves in response to someone’s transgression or their lack of apology or remorse.
  • “The odds are that the very same charm that [a narcissist] used to get you on side, to build you up, and then to knock you back, is the very same charm that they’ll blow in, maybe use the crocodile tears, make all this noise and fanfare about how sorry they are… and then do exactly what caused you pain (or possibly far worse).”
  • We have to recognise that people react and respond to situations based on habit, not on what we think they should do. If someone has various experiences filed under apologising in their subconscious that are also associated with feelings of guilt and remorse, and those feelings trigger them into feeling defensive or ashamed, that will then cause a sequence of behaviours that won’t match what we want them to do.
  • On feeling baffled about people’s reactions to our disclosure of things that have been on our mind for some time: “That period of time where we’ve had time to figure out how we feel and think about something is way longer than the amount of time we’ve given the other person when we decide to disclose that.”
  • People shrink into themselves after they’ve upset someone. Example: ‘I don’t feel like a good friend.’
  • We have to be careful of assuming that we believe an apology means is the same as that person’s intentions.
  • “Creating healthier boundaries; learning the necessary boundary for that particular situation is how we each move on from something. This makes forgiveness much simpler because it becomes less about, ‘I grant you forgiveness. I have the power to forgive thee’, and more about, how do we, even if it’s only a teeny tiny adjustment, make some sort of adjustment to our emotional, mental, physical or spiritual boundaries that allows us to move forward with love, care, trust and respect?”
  • On the subject of feeling bad about someone needing to apologise to us: “In instances where we disregard our own needs, desires, expectations, feelings and opinions because we are afraid of owning our worth, of owning ourselves, and so it’s like, ‘Yes, I know that person’s done me wrong but I can’t cope with having the self-worth to recognise this, so I’m going to pretend that they haven’t’, we’re just doing ourselves a massive disservice.”
  • About backing down for the wrong reasons: “What we shouldn’t do is back down as a way to try to make the other person feel bad so that they can step up.”
  • If you’re able to recognise what’s wrong about a situation and learn what you can that helps you to have the better emotional, mental, physical and spiritual boundaries moving forward, you can accept the apology that you didn’t get.
  • Sometimes we need to apologise to ourselves for giving us a hard time about what somebody else has done.

 

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Podcast Ep. 104: Did We (Or They) Meet The Threshold For Pursuing Romantic Interest?

By 7 Comments Reading Time: 3 Minutes

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This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is inspired by a conversation with my cousin that reminded me of the assumptions and confusion that surround the early stages of dating, namely when conversing online or on the first date or few. Despite promising chats before what seemed like a great date, he ended things, citing travel plans she’d mentioned before they met up. His rather long-winded explanation left her feeling baffled and confused. This got me thinking about the importance of recognising that all have different thresholds for believing that we have a connection, for what we regard as getting along, and for desiring a relationship.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • “What people say in the initial exchange via text/email/messenger isn’t necessarily set in stone for how things will be when you go on a date.”

  • We have to be careful of taking what people say they’re OK with prior to or on a first date too literally because the odds are that given a bit of time to brood, they’ll tune into their feelings or analyse, and decide that it’s too complicated.

    "It’s too much to expect initial texts or calls, or a first date to do the discovery work of an entire relationship." Natalie Lue, Bagagge Reclaim, relationship quote

  • Sometimes people use information that they gather via profiles or during date conversations, that when they then brood or over-analyse things, that that becomes the reason they use to justify why they won’t continue. Sometimes it’s about lack of enough connection to justify continuing, and sometimes they quite simply don’t know what they want.
  • Dating helps us to figure out what we want. We forget that it’s a discovery phase. Very specific ideas about what it is that we think that we need in order to fall for a person or be in a relationship. Experience shows us what’s true for us. We’ll often get exactly what we said we want even if it doesn’t look exactly like we thought it would.
  • We might assume that men and women don’t spend time together unless there’s romantic interest. The other party, however, might be someone who does this all the time, so it doesn’t mean the same thing to them. Someone’s threshold for believing that there’s a connection, for desiring a relationship, might be entirely different to ours.

“Anna might believe that you don’t get on with a guy like this unless there is romantic interest or unless you have a lot in common. She might think that they have various things in common and, yes, that may well be true, but that doesn’t mean that those are things that Bob values in a woman in order for them to have a relationship.”

  • If you haven’t been on a first date yet and so you’re at stage 0, you need to keep your expectations and ideas about what is or isn’t going on in check.
  • Sometimes we expect too much out of initial interactions and first dates. It’s like we want texts, emails and the first date or few to do all the work of an entire relationship — and that’s just not possible. We set ourselves up to fail, to be frustrated.
  • The less we spend our time trying to make others be like us, is the sooner we can appreciate people and situations for what they are, is the sooner we can stop being trapped, confused and cut up by illusions.

Talk is cheap. How okay someone is with something is evident in their actions. Natalie Lue.

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Podcast Ep. 103: Trial & Error, Baby! The 20:20 Vision of Hindsight

By 10 Comments Reading Time: 3 Minutes

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we're around exactly the right people we need for our growth. Yes even the ones who wear down our last nerve. quote by Natalie LueThis week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is inspired by the recent discovery that the ‘dream house’ we lost out on back in 2013 is a money pit. Turns out that we escaped problems that would have run to hundreds of thousands of pounds! Jaysus! Thankfully, that house is long behind us, but this revelation got me thinking about how it’s a metaphor for life. We each go through experiences of not getting what we want and beat ourselves up about it, often fearing and regretting that we’ve missed out despite not knowing what’s up ahead or recognising that, actually, we may have had a lucky escape.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • With the benefit of hindsight, we can have a sense of humour about life. We can be grateful. But we also don’t have to wait to hear bad news or how it went pear-shaped for somebody else to practice this attitude.
  • No one hands us a manual on the day we turn eighteen with a full breakdown of what adulthood will contain, including instructions on how to deal with every situation and a timeline. We also expect too much of ourselves, as if we’re supposed to have known how to do ‘everything’ on arrival into adulthood and that we only have a few chances to ‘get things right’. Hands up who took a class at school or was even taught at home about boundaries, self-care, figuring out your personal values? Yeah, exactly. Trial and error, baby!
  • Our parents were once children themselves. No one is born a parent. We don’t have to treat our parents or other family members as if they are the arbiters of living the ‘right’ life. Our parents made their choices (and relationships) in an entirely different time — and these might not be right for us. And we’ll only discover our path through our own trial and error. No one else can do it for us.
  • We want to know what’s up ahead so that we can be in control so that we can plan for it and mitigate for any potential unpleasantness. Turns out, that’s what experiencing life is for! Trial and error, baby!
  • We don’t know the timing of life and sometimes what we want isn’t always in our best interests. I used to insist that the type of guy I wanted was a Mr Unavailable.
  • Sometimes we’ve wanted something for so long that when it turns out to be the wrong thing, we’re like, ‘I’m in it now. Let’s do this!’. We ignore ourselves and then, of course, beat ourselves up instead of taking clues and cues from the experience about what could potentially be a better fit for us.
  • We’re around the people we need to be around. Relationships help us to heal, grow and learn.
  • In situations such as where someone is pissing us off or where we immediately assume or feel something, it’s critical to recognise that we wouldn’t respond in the way that we do if it weren’t already a habit. That’s our past. That’s our baggage.
  • If you keep insisting that an unhealthy relationship is right for you, it ensures that 1) you’re miserable and 2) you’ll get involved with that same person/situation or with something/someone similar. And it will be more painful. If we keep insisting that something that was clearly wrong for us is right for us, we can’t be open to something better.

Links mentioned

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If you enjoyed the show, please share the episode – every little helps. Email someone who you think this show is relevant to or use the share buttons at the top and bottom of this episode.

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Have a great weekend!

Without integrity in our relationships, we can’t be emotionally available

By 17 Comments Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Quote about integrity and emotional availability. Speaking up isn't something you do to get what you want. It's what you do to be more of who you really are. Natalie LueWhen I talk to people about their biggest struggles with relationships, an all too common complaint is struggling to deal with someone who is not willing to go the distance with intimacy and commitment. Each time they feel as if they’re making progress, this person gradually or even very sharply rolls things back to what I call their ‘status quo’ in my book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

Imagine relationships on a scale of 0-10. The type of person who struggles with progression, balance, intimacy, commitment, and consistency – the landmarks of healthy relationships – wants to keep the relationship at 5. It’s like Goldilocks and The Three Bears: not too cold, not too hot, just right. “Just right” being right for their comfort zone not necessarily for their growth or that of the relationship.

As a result, someone who is afraid of intimacy and commitment will always manage the relationship back to their comfort zone.

Temperature ‘too high’ and not fitting with the perception of their self-worth? Cue lowering the temperature through sabotage and passive-aggressive behaviour. Things get ‘too good’ and ‘intimate’, they’ll undermine things in such a way that it gets back on their terms. Like when you meet their friends or go on an amazing holiday, and they pick or fight or disappear afterwards…

Told them to jog on? Cue them suddenly blowing hot and you feeling as if you’re approaching 8 or beyond. You think the fantasy is finally going to come true. And then gradually the relationship slides back down to 5. Like when you end it with someone who refused to commit or who mistreated you. Next thing, you’re experiencing an onslaught of effort and big declarations about the future. And then poof, you’re back to square one again.

The frustration in these situations unreal but also is the clue to our own liberation.

One of the single most significant changes that we can make to our relationship experiences as well as our self-esteem is to be more emotionally honest and to maintain our integrity.

When we’re in an unavailable relationship, we gradually lose our integrity. If we were truly being honest with ourselves (and them), we wouldn’t stick around in the relationship for as long as we have. Being someone whose actions and words match would matter too much to give it up. We wouldn’t say, “I need this and this and this” and then stick around when it’s clearly not there on the basis that we can see so much ‘potential’. We wouldn’t say that we’re “done” if certain things don’t happen and then stay anyway because we’re too afraid to honour ourselves.

How can we expect someone to be honest with us when they’re not even honest with themselves?

Podcast Ep. 102: On ‘Failing’ (Why Are You Still Single? Why Aren’t You More Successful?)

By 14 Comments Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Sometimes we want one step to cover off all steps. Nat Lue on Fear of Failure, Fear of Success

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In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I face down the task of sharing a somewhat private struggle — fear of failure, fear of success.

About fear of failure, fear of success

From @natlue Instagram Stories

Some nuggets about help versus support from the episode:

  • “One of the great myths that a lot of people peddle to themselves is this notion that once you’ve done a little bit of self-work, or once you get into a relationship; or once you have the job you want (or the business/child/house/money/right breasts/waist size or whatever it is) that everything will come together. That you won’t have to do any more work — and that’s just not true.”
  • “What we want, including me, is to do a little bit of work and be sorted. We don’t want to have lessons all the time. We’re like, ‘Jaysus, what the hell’s going on with this? Why have I got another lesson?”
  • Everybody has a struggle. Mine is fear of failure, fear of success. Other people I know it’s fertility or not being in the relationship they want. There’s something.
  • I talk about this sense of being behind schedule and needing to catch up, and how we settle for less than what we need, desire and deserve as a result.
  • Sometimes we need to talk to our loved ones about our struggles so that they can mirror to us who we really are.
  • As we move up in our life, our old fears rear their heads in new ways. “New level, new devil” as Denise Duffield-Thomas says.
  • I talk about how you think stuff like, This doesn’t look how I thought it would look after I worked for it so I must be failing. I must be getting it wrong. I must be no the wrong path. This kind of thinking causes us to go round in circles.
  • We don’t know how growth looks so sometimes when we’re in the raw, when we’re in the deep, when we’re in the pain is when we’re actually doing the greatest amount of growth. But for us, we think we’re sinking right down to the bottom with rocks tied around our bloody ankles.”
  • I talk about the murky world of business Facebook groups that have an almost pyramid scheme feel to them.
  • Sometimes when we listen to our inner voice, and it’s asking us to trust ourselves or to keep going, our rational brain goes, “You’re not a business expert” or “You don’t know about email marketing” or “You don’t know how to get a relationship”. This is us being simplistic with our inner voice or intuition. We then keep turning back to the “gurus” and disregard innate knowledge that we have from within.
  • A lot of the time, we want the gratification. We want the pat on the back. At every step. “I would try something and not get an instant result. You’ve just taken one step. Maybe you’ve got to take ten, maybe you’ve got to take twenty. But you want an immediate pat on the back, immediate signs that you’re on the right path.”
  • Before you beat yourself up for not being perfect, for fucking up, for not being as successful as [whoever you compare yourself to], remember that you are not alone in your struggle or in feeling as you do. You might beat yourself up about relationships. Someone else beats themselves up about their body, or not being as successful as they think they should be, or about not having the 'right' background/family/experiences. The best thing you can do is talk about it and cut yourself some slack.

    From @natlue Instagram stories


    “Sometimes we want one step to cover off all steps.”

  • We want certainty. We want to know that if we take this step that we have proof that everything is going to go our way and go according to plan. That’s just not how life works. We’ve got to take a step, any step, however imperfect it might be… and then take another and tweak and listen along the way.”
  • If your role within your family is to be the one who doesn’t do as well as someone else (or who has to be the high achiever), you will sabotage your growth. You will grapple with conflicting feelings from being over-responsible.
  • Sometimes my inner critic tells me that I should be setting a better example. I’m not setting an example by being a perfectionist. What kind of example is that going to set?
  • When people say stuff like ‘Why are you still single? Why aren’t you more successful? Why don’t you have a book deal?’ it feels to us as if they’re looking for the bad smell, the horns and tail, the secret problem. It’s like, ‘You should be able to get it together by society’s standards so, what’s wrong with you?’ This stuff worms its way into your psyche when you’re vulnerable due to going through challenges.
  • I have reckoned with this silent shame. We all have it. Everybody has something. Business is therapy so you what you won’t deal with in your interpersonal relationships, you’ll deal with at (or through your) work.
  • We have to be careful of hanging everything on a particular outcome while missing lots of other things along the way.
  • “Sometimes we want something so badly that it feels like a need, and because it feels like a need, we start doing things that take us out of alignment. Whereas if we can acknowledge that yeah, we want this stuff, but we’re not about to crucify ourselves in order to get it, then we can actually move towards these things while still trying to enjoy our life and without losing sight of who we are.”
  • My plan is not the plan. “I’m not supposed to be the forty-year-old celebrated, best-selling author.”

Links mentioned

Next stop

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Podcast Ep. 101: Help, Support, or Fuzzy Boundaries?

By 4 Comments Reading Time: 3 Minutes

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In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I explore the difference between help and support (yes, there is one!).

Why is this topic so important? Not knowing which is which or doing what might be good things for the wrong reasons, busts our boundaries (and those of others). We deplete our emotional, mental, physical and spiritual bandwidth.

I talk to so many people who desire a loving relationship and who are also eager to break the cycle of dysfunction. What you have to recognise when you’re in that situation and your help/support is turning you into your partner/spouse’s mommy/daddy/babysitter/hider of their responsibilities, is that you can’t be partner or spouse at the same time. Conflicting agendas.

Genuine help and support never has to be at the expense of anyone’s boundaries and self-worth. Nat LueSome nuggets about help versus support from the episode:

  • We make too close an association between what we are doing and what we believe should happen. For example, my mother keeps expecting one of my brothers to fundamentally change who he is because she keeps doing nice things for him. And then feels hurt when he behaves as he typically does.
  • We can’t say that we’re going to surrender or relinquish control of a situation only to then try to monitor or micro-manage things out of fearfulness of what might happen and not being able to trust in life a little.

  • With help, it’s about working alongside a person to achieve a common aim. Or doing something that they can’t, possibly because we (or they) have more knowledge, expertise, capability. 

  • If it’s not obvious about what form our help is taking, we need to ask ourselves what we think that person is not capable of being or doing if we are not there.
  • If we don’t have the option of saying no or offering up input as to how we want to be helped, then [what the other person is offering] isn’t help.

  • Support is distinguished from help by whether there is the intention and attitude of assisting with a view to empowering that person to figure things out. 

  • When we offer our support to someone, we’re saying, “I am here for you” and “I am rooting for you”. Sometimes support is mostly emotional. The person knows that they have our vote and that they can call on us.
  • The person looking to be told what to do, for someone to tell them what the solution is, or to possibly have someone else do the legwork, interrupts their learning. They inadvertently (or consciously) pass on responsibility.
  • A really good litmus test for ascertaining whether support (or help for that matter) is within healthy boundaries, is to check in with us about how we will feel when that person doesn’t need us as much or at all in the future.
  • Got Florence Nightingale inclinations? Your efforts will be far more appreciated and boundaried by 1) taking up volunteering and 2) ensuring that you help yourself.

  • The degree to which you are ignoring you is reflected in where you are over-invest in other people.

  • Help and support is a natural and important part of a relationship, but it can’t be the primary motivation for the relationship. You can’t base our self-worth on it and it can’t be the bread and butter of the relationship. If it is, resentment is guaranteed. No one wants to be babied, pitied, or to feel as if they’re playing mommy or daddy to a grown-up.
  • Further exploration: What is your role within relationships? Is there a theme? What’s the baggage behind your helper role? Where and why did you learn to do this? What are you trying to get? What is unaddressed within you? How could you take what you do for others and apply it to you?
  • Getting clear about your intentions helps you to be more mindful and grounded.
  • Distinguish between desire and obligation, and desire and trying to ‘get’ something.

Links mentioned

It’s OK to receive – you don’t always have to be the giver

By 12 Comments Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Have you ever had someone do something for you or give you something only to wind up feeling as if you owe them? Rather than receiving and saying thank you, your mind is lurching into IOU territory, triggering the likes of overwhelm, guilt, panic, discomfort and resignation. Yes, all of that from receiving something!

Even if you want to feel grateful, it’s tricky given those uncomfortable feelings. In these moments you forget that it’s just a gift, that it’s just an act. That’s not to take away from what the person is being/doing, but it’s just not that loaded. Or at least it doesn’t have to be.

Genuine giving doesn’t come with strings attached. It also comes preloaded with the option to say no.

 

WHY ARE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE BEING THE RECIPIENT?

When you feel uncomfortable about receiving, check yourself.

  • Is it that you don’t feel worthy enough?
  • Are you weary in advance because you feel as if you have equal or exceed their efforts?
  • Do you feel trapped by the possibility of what their giving might signify for you in the future?
  • Is it that you know that you don’t owe them but that based on previous experience, you sense an agenda?
  • Are you afraid of looking like a ‘user’?

I’m not worthy enough.
I don’t deserve this.
I don’t want to have to give back.
I’m screwed.
I’m a bad person.

There’s vulnerability not just in giving but also in receiving.

On giving and receiving. Person making notes in their notebook. Photo by Calum MacAulay on Unsplash

ARE YOU BEING TRANSACTIONAL?

When you struggle to be a ‘good receiver’, a part of you is thinking, I will open myself up to disappointment. You’re also making everything transactional. Giving and receiving becomes fraught because it’s about who owes what and obligation. You give, not because you want to but because it’s what you think is expected of you. Of course, it’s going to be angst-laden. You’ll be afraid of going into ‘debt’ and of looking like a ‘bad’ person.

It might be that you feel safer being busy doing instead of being busy being.

You might feel very uncomfortable about asking for or accepting help but be the Energiser Bunny of helping others.

 

A relationship based on the roles of giver and taker is always imbalanced and unhealthy. If you’re always the giver, what does that always make the other party in the relationship? It means that consciously or not, you will choose people and situations that allow you to maintain that role even if it’s not in the best interests of you or the relationship. You’ve then set you up to feel taken advantage of. Keep in mind also that regardless of whether or not someone is actually a ‘taker’ and taking advantage, being entrenched in the role of ‘giver’ means you will view things through that lens and feel valued (or undervalued) on that basis.

If you’re the only one who gets to do the ‘giving’, it’s not giving; it’s control.

When you’re in control, you don’t have to feel as much as you would in being vulnerable. You can manage risks.

When someone is shady, it’s understandable to feel wary of their motives. This is why creating healthy boundaries is critical because you learn where to invest your good qualities and energies. Create boundaries instead of building walls. Giving but not receiving is a wall that defends against you being hurt in a similar way to the past. It interferes not just with trusting you and others but also growing as a person as you run the risk of continuing a cycle of neglect or deprivation. Boundaries show forgiveness of you for your past, allowing you to enjoy mutually fulfilling, trusting relationships instead of being on guard and cutting out everything.

This is the time to ask the perfect question for any situation that triggers you into responding based on pattern: What’s the baggage behind it?

  • Where did you learn to feel like this?
  • Is it similar to a past situation?
  • Does what they’re doing or how you’re feeling remind you of someone else?

Asking these questions helps you to understand the emotional charge you are carrying about giving and receiving. You will gain insight into what you associate with these so that you know what is coming up for you each time. In understanding what you’re trying to protect you from and what you still unwittingly (or consciously) feel hurt about, you can address the source of your pain with self-compassion.

Did you identify with any of the statements like ‘I’m not worthy enough’, ‘I don’t deserve this’, ‘I’m a bad person’? Acknowledging these feelings and compassionately interrogating their origins and validity, helps you to get grounded. Sometimes simply asking, ‘Why not?’ brings those hidden reasons up to the service. You can differentiate between past and present, the person in front of you and for instance, a parent. You also gain the opportunity to recognise that you can’t give what you don’t receive, so allowing you to receive allows you to advance the intimacy of your relationships.

And remember: when someone gives you something whether it’s a physical gift, a compliment, their time, etc., rather than spinning out about how to repay the transaction or deflecting, for example, the praise, just say thank you. This stops you from living in the past, assuming that people have ulterior motives and from going into autopilot behaviour and thinking. You stop giving away your power and draining your bandwidth.

In doing so, you will be in a position to break the cycle and receive the love, care, trust and respect you desire and deserve, not just from others but also from you.

Your thoughts?

Podcast Ep. 100: Are You Exceeding Your Bandwidth? (You Are Not The Energizer Bunny)

By 22 Comments Reading Time: 2 Minutes

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In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I delve into what is undoubtedly one of my favourite topics: bandwidth. No, I’m not talking about internet broadband! I’m talking about your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual bandwidth which is expressed by the time, energy, effort and emotion you have to deal with something or to be, do and have the things you need and want.

About emotional, mental, physical and spiritual bandwidth. "Your needs need your deeds." by Natalie Lue

Some nuggets about bandwidth from the episode:

  • “I spent [thirteen years] of my time, energy, effort and emotion online, and I reached a point last year where I needed to not do that.”
  • “The trap that people pleasers fall into is knowing that someone needs/wants something, and because of our awareness of it, we feel that we are responsible for meeting that need, for giving them what they want (we’re not).”
  • “If we’re not meeting our needs, we’re like a punctured tyre — something’s not going to feel right.”
  • “When you feel overwhelmed by something, that’s going to overshadow the amount of time, energy, effort and emotion that you have to deal with other things.”
  • “I grew up in a high-expectation environment…. There was only the expectation or failure. I didn’t learn about ‘good enough’…. “
  • “The more things you do that you don’t want to do is the less bandwidth you have”
  • “Boundaries are about knowing where we end and others begin.”
  • “Your body and life are always trying to speak to you.”
  • “People can’t respect a bandwidth that you don’t respect.”
  • On contemplating doing something that’s unfair/unreasonable/crazy to us (or others): “How many crack pipes am I gonna have to smoke in order to do this?“

Links mentioned