I dated someone who was convinced that every single guy was trying to get into my knickers. Each time we went out, he’d have a hissy fit if I spent too long talking to someone, even if they were a friend. If they were flirtatious or just happened to look in my direction, an interrogation would follow. It felt so oppressive, and we had terrible arguments as a result. The fact I wasn’t doing anything untoward was irrelevant. He didn’t seem to understand that he was questioning my integrity. Thankfully, I broke it off. I know that if he’d been accusing me of cheating, things would have been far worse.
It’s one thing if you are cheating. Obviously, you need to fess up. But often, when people are accused of cheating, it exists only in the insecure, possessive, jealous person’s mind.
No matter what answers and reassurance you give to someone who wants to believe that you’re cheating, they’re not right and they’re never enough.
They don’t want to believe it.
Relationships need to be based on mutual love, care, trust and respect. This creates space for honesty and intimacy. In a new relationship, it’s likely you will each share aspects of your pasts, even if they’re not pretty. If you’ve admitted that you cheated, especially if it was several times or in several relationships, it’s understandable for a partner to feel nervous about whether you’ve genuinely changed or if this is a serial habit. Check out my podcast episode about the four qualities of a loving partner. It explains why self-awareness about how past behaviours affected relationship outcomes is vital.
If they’ve been cheated on previously, it significantly impacts their ability to trust and be intimate if they haven’t worked through it.
When emotional baggage is so present that it impacts on someone’s ability to treat you with love, care, trust and respect on the merit of who you are, a healthy, mutual relationship isn’t going to happen.
If someone’s emotional baggage blocks them from trusting, they have to do the work to address it. This is vital to understand because otherwise, you may make yourself responsible for their ‘fixing’ and healing. You will people-please to try to ‘prove’ that you are ‘better’. That’s not your j.o.b. and you’re ignoring your needs in the process. This is only going to lead to pain and resentment.
This is otherwise known as intermittent reinforcement.
No matter how empathetic and compassionate you are, your patience will wear thin if you have to keep defending yourself and being punished for their past experiences. You want to move the relationship forward, and they’re stuck in the past.
While they might make noises to the contrary, your partner is revealing their trust issues. They don’t trust relationships, they don’t trust themselves, and they are having difficulty trusting what you say and do. They may not see it that way, but this is how it is.
It’s critical to ensure that you’re boundaried, so you’re clear on where you end and they begin. This allows you to own your side of the street so that you can get clear about whether you are, whether it’s consciously or not, triggering your partner’s behaviour?
If you’re doing any of the above, as uncomfortable as it might be to hear, you are gaslighting your partner if you’re downplaying or even dismissing their concerns.
Flirting with others, for example, might seem OK to you because, in your mind, it’s not as if you action it. You might not call it ‘flirting’; you might say that you’re ‘just chatting’ or ‘having a laugh’. But if you’re doing this and then telling your partner that it’s all in their imagination, you’re messing with their head. Same for if you’re calling them insecure, needy or dramatic.
Humans have a basic need for safety and security, and the above examples are destabilising.
If you have something to take responsibility for in this, it’s time for an honest conversation with yourself (and them) about what you’re doing together.
If you’re not doing any of the above, but maybe your partner accuses you of cheating because, for example, you hang out with your friends instead of being with him/her all the time, again, try to get a sense of whether this relationship is workable. They may have very unrealistic expectations.
Been super busy at work lately? Maybe a bit too self-absorbed? Privately worried about something and finding yourself being closed off? Got a surprise in the pipeline and being secretive?
Sometimes people jump to the wrong conclusions.
If your partner isn’t used to the you that you are when you are anxious or overwhelmed, the distance from the lack of communication can be misconstrued as something else.
Again, you don’t want to put yourself in the position of walking on eggshells. Part of being in a relationship, though, means needing to be sensitive to each other’s needs and natural insecurities.
Be self-aware enough to recognise your patterns.
Yes, they could do with not jumping to the worst conclusion. Still, intimacy is vital to the health and wealth of your relationship. Shutting down cuts that off.
You might be very aware that you withdraw into yourself when you’re super-stressed or that you need time to download, or that you’re rubbish at asking for help. Your partner isn’t a mind reader though.
Do you know what projection is? It’s taking your hidden feelings, thoughts and actions and then calling them someone else’s.
For example, if your partner felt sexually attracted to someone at a party but then shoved down their feelings, including their guilt, it might seep out in them questioning whether you are having an affair or drawn to others.
And shady folk, so people who at best, take advantage and at worst, abuse you, base their accusations of what they think you’re doing on their actions. It’s just plain ole guilty conscience and gaslighting.
If your partner is someone who is very fearful about cheating because they were cheated on or they watched their parents’ relationship(s) crumble under it, that’s about their emotional baggage, including their beliefs about relationships.
Unless you have strong reason to believe that they are cheating (and there will be evidence in their character and actions), don’t assume that their accusations are projections.
Some people when they find themselves on the receiving end of someone who habitually accuses them of cheating, eventually decide that if the person isn’t going to believe them, they might as well do it anyway. While I understand the frustration, this isn’t the way to handle the situation.
If you feel as if you want to cheat and ‘prove them right’, you’ve reached breaking point. That’s your anger at being repeatedly distrusted without merit. It hurts, especially when your partner might expect you to trust them implicitly.
It’s either time to walk away or tell your partner that in order for the relationship to continue, they need to double down on resolving their issues and commit to the relationship.
Don’t give them any further chances to take their issues out on you. They’ll step up and address their issues with your support, or the relationship will end.
Sometimes, someone who is terrified of trusting would rather walk away and feel right than run the risk of the vulnerability of trusting you.
As a general guideline, if your partner persistently accuses you of cheating, or is consistently jealous and possessive, this is a code red alert. The relationship isn’t healthy. Control is not love.
You either have to walk away and cut your losses or have such clear and healthy boundaries that this person has to deal with themselves.
Ultimately, though, without trust, there is no relationship.
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I would say people who are that way are impossible to live with and should be dumped right away. I was married to a woman like that, and their accusations never go away- they get worse.
Yes, I’m guilty. My husband cheated on me in the past. He is currently out of the country. He said the guys he is with are seeing how many girls, ladies, women they can get before they leve that country. So guess what I got upset, sad, and began to cry. My husband is with these guys. So I’m questioning myself does my husband want to participate with these guys? He said for me to trust him, I do. I’m not crazy thouh when your weak in an error of your life and temptation is all around. I don’t know what to think. I don’t want ot make accusations. I realy thought I had forgiven him, but when he siad that I had a flashback. Oh my GOD, please help my husband and me. I have had tis on my mind all day. I can’t think right, what damage have done, in getting upset about this conversation. Please help. God Bless. Why can’t I get over this?? the past??
Goodnplump – You can’t get over this because it’s not resolved with you in some way and there is something that has prevented closure. Your husband has been insensitive but it’s one of those situations where if he hadn’t told you it wouldn’t have been great either. I think that when he comes home, you both need to sit down and have an honest conversation about where you are both at, or attend marriage therapy. Some things are difficult to forget…
My partner accused me of cheating today. I’ve never felt so hurt in all my life, I’m totally against cheating and hardly dated before I met the partner I’m with today. It hurts so much when someone makes such a claim, especially when you trust them completely
I’d have to agree with goodnplump. I’ve accused my husband of cheating but its not like I haven’t had reason. He’s been caught lying about going out with friends and wanting to drink and party again, but if he lies about that what am I to believe about other things. I found condoms (although unopend) boxes but he says they were for us. I accuse him often especially after this. I guess because of the other lies and situations from the past that he’s been in are fishy, they don’t add up. Could I be looking too much into it and falsely accusing him, its possible, but tell my heart that he’s not lying. Oh, and to add to the lie he claims he stayed at his friends house, when he didn’t come home and after a big fight, he hasn’t been home in two days. Can lying really make someone look to far into something?
I don’t know what to do anymore…for the past several months my boyfriend of 5 years continuously accuses me of cheating on him…honestly, I never have and never would do that to him…he had cheated on me repeatedly the first year or two that we were together…we haven’t been continuously together for 5 years, we’ve broken up a few times…but I have never done him wrong EVER…and when he spouts out his accusations wanting explanations I get defensive and speechless bc I don’t know what to say…and I get offended bc I’m innocent…but there’s no way to prove that to him so I’m stuck…we had just gotten back together in august…although I was still hanging around him alot we still weren’t together…I had slept with my ex a couple months prior to when we got back together, and bc I didn’t tell him about it he says that I was devious and wrong…HOW though we WEREN’T TOGETHER!…he brings that up ALL the time…he doesn’t understand that we weren’t together then, so yea I slept with someone else…but I would never do that when we are together, and it wasn’t a random guy you know…that’s one accusation…the next one is that his friend told him he slept with me!?!?!? where the hell was I when that supposedly happened? bc I NEVER touched that man…I told my boyfriend that he probably said that to him to ruin what we have bc he’s jealous and wants me for himself or something, I have no idea but I had nothing to do with any of that…the next accusation is he thinks there was something going on with one of his other friends that used to live with us…he said I always looked in his room when I walked by and I wore my short bathrobe then…WHO KNOWS? I never freakin touched that one either….but my boyfriend insists that I was different when he was around, when in reality we just weren’t doing good at that time and I told him I didn’t know what I want (whether I wanted to stay together) but that had nothing to do with anyone else, just me and my boyfriend…ridiculous…then I have this male friend that I met when my boyfriend was away working at a camp in mass…he came over to my old apt with my best friend (she was my room mate at the time) and her now fiance (it is one of his best friends)…and bc I’m friends with him and we ended up exchanging numbers and we talk on the phone occasionally (we are JUST friends though NOTHING has ever happened between us) my boyfriend wants to know how we got to the point of talking on the phone (he thinks something had to happen to get to that point) but it was just bc we used to be around each other alot and we have a few mutual friends…my boyfriend makes me feel like I’m not allowed to have male friends bc when I have tried to get him to be around them he’s like “no I don’t know if you slept with him or not, I don’t wanna look like a joke”…he CHOSE not to be involved in that part of my life so I don’t talk to my male friends around him (bc he acts funny and is over protective)…anyway, sorry for writing so much, but can someone please let me know why I’m always getting accused? I’m innocent and have no way to prove it…I can’t live like this, he stresses me out to no end…and if anything I should be the one not trusting him bc of his past, but I do trust him…I don’t know what to do, someone please let me know what you think…I hope he’s not cheating again….
I’m in the military. I live in Virginia and my girlfriend in Alabama. Lately she’s been accusing me of cheating and I don’t know what to do. Recently I got two jobs, so I had very little time on my hands. That’s when she started to accuse me of cheating so I quit that job thinking it would make her feel better but it didn’t. She doesn’t like to go out with her friends because she’s constantly expecting to hear from me. She gets upset when I tell her that she shouldn’t do that because of the relationship. She says she thinks I’m cheating because I’m a guy. Last night, I finally worked up the nerve to tell that I masterbate alot differently then most guys and I don’t use my hand. I don’t need to go into detail but I have to use a condom to keep it from getting all over me. Thinking she’d understand, I told her, but instead she further believed that I’m cheating on her and keeps asking me questions about who this supposed other person is. I love her so much and I want to be with her but I can’t get her to believe me and I’m really getting tired of being accused! What should I do?
my boyfriend is always accusing me of cheating i never have and never would all i want is for us to be happy and have a happy life together but we go a few days getting on really well then he starts again which is really frustrsting i dont know what to say or do to prove to him i never have and never would as i love him and he is enough for me i feel so lucky to have him in my life and couldnt imagine life without him what can i do?
Hey, know how you all are feeling, my gf, or should i say ex accused me yesterday and it really got to me, over comments left on my myspace by my female friend of all things. After putting bulletins online of how much of a jerk i am she only decided to ask me straight out when i got in touch with her. the lack of respect for me as some one she supposedly cares for is what did it for me, i didn’t even attempt to explain because you cant reason with someone who is that insecure, after trying so hard to be humble since the moment we met i lost patients and decided to stand up for myself, its safe to say its over now. For me its the best option to cut my losses but this isn’t the case in every relationship where couples have developed real love for one another. my only advice would be to try and resolve the issues but at the same time dont allow your own boundaries of respect to be broken, if your partner takes it too far and doesn’t treat you how you should be treated then this is a sure shot warning of things to come.
very well put
My husband arranged for his cousin to come trick or treating with my 2 kids and stay the weekend with us. He has been working on his aunts house this girls grandma, she came to help him paint and help with other things. The first night that she helped he came home and said I can see why a certain person in our neighborhood did what she did to a little 14 year old boy. I then said ok should I be worried? He said no she is my cousin. So I felt like it was ok, but one night he sdecided to stay at his aunt’s house cause he didn’t have gas money to run back and forth and his cousin ended up staying there too. I still didn’t think i had anything to worry about. She helped at his aunts house a few more times once when his aunt wasn’t there. She then came for Halloween to my house and and was going to go trick or treating with my 5 year old and 13 month old. At first, I wondered where her friends were and why she wasn’t spending halloween with them and wanted to be with her 34 year old cousin. She is 14 years old. My 5 year old kept trying to get her to play with her and she wouldn’t. She didn’t even really go trick or treating. What had my suspictions was she kept poking and tickling my husband and she put ice down his back and then she would sit right next to him on the couch almost sitting on his lap. He woudn’t do anything back to her or would he get up and leave when she would sit by him. I mentioned something to him after we took her home and he just got really mad, and said there is nothing going on she is my cousin. I told him that I felt like she didn’t come to trick or treat with the kids she just came to hit on him. I hoped he would have said I don’t know why she was acting like that, but instead he just got mad and said that I just wanted to pick a fight and then started changing the subject and to start fighting about something else. Anyway I decided that maybe I was being silly so I laid off. So I thought everything was ok and I went to bed early and I woke up and noticed my husband was sleeping on the couch, so then I didn’t sleep at all and everything that happened over the weekend kept bugging me. So then i asked him why he slept out on the couch and he said cause i feel asleep out here, but he managed to turn off the TV and lights. I don’t know what to believe I have caught him lieing to me about something at work, so why wouldn’t he lie about this now?
I just ended a 6 year relationship where he constantly accused me of cheating. It started out slow years ago but recently the “allegations” just got soooo out of hand and I drew the line. It’s like he would just POUT and SULK and PRESS me for information as if I needed to fess up to something – but there was nothing. I never cheated on him and never would – you would think he would have learned that over the years. I guess not, but I have had ENOUGH. I could not be with someone who thought so little of me and had absolutely no reason for thinking that way. It’s like he just fabricated these ridiculous things in his mind. It’s VERY hard to deal with and very hurtful. I lasted 6 years and only saw it getting worse by the week.