While some people openly admit to being competitive, I’ve often found that many people who are, don’t see themselves in that way. Because they’re perfectionists, people pleasers and often prone to comparison, self-criticism and highlighting how they’re not ‘good enough’, they don’t regard themselves as having or showing a strong desire to be more successful than others. It’s like, I’m not getting what I want so how can I be competitive? This couldn’t be further from the truth. If you’ve wondered, Why am I with an emotionally unavailable person?, the answer to this lies in acknowledging that you’re competing with someone or something.
In my first book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I explain that the ‘fallback’ is the person who takes the passenger role in the relationship and who allows the other party to default to or fall back on them for sex, a shoulder to lean on, an ego stroke and basically anything else that involves sacrificing their needs. Which role we take up and the type of unavailable relationship, provide clues about who/what we’re competing with. Note: while the book was originally for women, men can be in any of these roles plus these dynamics apply in same-sex relationships.
Going back and forth with someone who cant break, won’t break but also isn’t committing to a relationship, is about competing to see if we still have the power to draw the person back. Even if it means remaining in an unworkable situation, we want to be the best at it.
We strive to be better than their ex so that they will choose us to move their affections to. We make ourselves indispensable, try to figure out how to be different to the ex in the areas where we think they went wrong, or we try to be as good as or better in areas where we compare ourselves. Sometimes we choose someone whose ex represents what we feel insecure about. We then try to feel superior with something we value ourselves for (e.g. intelligence, success) while also wanting validation about what we criticise or doubt ourselves for. Yeah, messy.
The Other Woman competes with the existing partner or spouse (and possibly other affair partners).
In an affair, we’re validating ourselves on the notion that we’re ‘the best’. We think we’re giving them something that someone who’s inferior (they’re not) isn’t. We want to be chosen. I’m the best at letting you be as bad as you like. I’m the best at understanding and giving you what you need. There’s also another competition: We’re trying to right the wrongs of feeling deprioritised, relegated or even replaced by someone else in our earlier life. Or… we’re continuing a competition. If, for example, a parent deprioritised, relegated or even replaced others, we might be inadvertently recreating that dynamic to feel special.
Florence Nightingale competes with the past and whatever a partner’s dependent on.
When we attempt to make ourselves the solution to someone else’s problems, we have plenty to compete with. From exes they didn’t do ‘better’ with, to family who’ve contributed to the issue, we’re trying to be the best at being needed by them. We also compete to be chosen over, for instance, alcohol, drugs, workaholism or gambling.
With a ‘fixer-upper’, we think we can make him/her into what we want. We’re competing with, for example, the family who we think didn’t raise ’em right or the exes who didn’t demand more realisation of potential out of them. We also reason that if we’re giving everything to someone who we don’t think could have been with someone like us or achieved their potential without our input, they have no reason to leave. We live in fear of being replaced by someone who will reap the reward of our investment. Our efforts are then about demonstrating why we’re the best and why they should stay (even if we’re miserable).
The Flogger competes with the past, present and future.
We figure that we’ve suffered the most hence earned the right to the relationship we want. Investment, titles and history matter to us. We try to outstrip all the people in our partner’s past, present and future who either didn’t do as good a job as us or who might try to have a go at being better. We’re also, however, competing with someone or even a number of people in our own past. We’re proving that we can do [long-standing suffering] better than them. I will handle a man like daddy better than mom.I might be miserable but I’m the only person in my family who’s stayed married.
Women are socialised to fight over this tiny-ass bucket with its limited supply of decent partners, jobs, opportunities etc. This zero-sum game feeds insecurity and a scarcity mindset. We figure it’s safest to pretend that we have less needs than we do. We act as if things don’t bother us when they do. There’s a fear of being like those ‘other’ women – too needy/dramatic/demanding/weak etc. What if we wind up trapped, lost, overwhelmed and having to sacrifice too much? Some of those women might be our own family members or just people we’ve come across that scare the beejaysus out of us with their life choices [that we don’t have to have or we can but don’t have to do it their way]. We try to enjoy the fringe benefits of a relationship without commitment.
The Dreamer competes with everyone in their imagination.
Sometimes our way of competing (while secretly accepting failure from the outset – the long-shot mentality) is to be in a fantasy. Any of the above roles can exist within a fantasy relationship but sometimes a relationship is attractive because it’s not real. We can be whatever we want in our imagination and feel like The Best. We’re putting us in an impossible situation because if the fantasy came true, it would allow us to meet an unmet need.
‘Why am I with an emotionally unavailable person?’, we wonder. It’s because we’re unwittingly trying to make ourselves worthy by competing with someone or something.
Sometimes it’s difficult to see the wood for the trees when you’re in an unavailable relationship. Acknowledging who or what you’re competing with removes a blind spot that you may not have known you had. Shining a light of awareness on your pattern helps you recognise how unresolved pain, fear and guilt is calling on your attention for you to address and heal it.
There wouldn’t be a need to compete in unavailable relationships if you weren’t, on some level, trying to finally be made the best or the priority to make up for someone else not doing it in your past.
If you hadn’t blamed and shamed you for their inadequacy and/or based your self-worth on being the favourite, you wouldn’t be in this relationship.
You can decide if the basis for you competing is something that’s true and important.
You can decide if it’s worth the pain or worth giving up your true desires and who you are.
It’s not necessary for you to prove your worth by validating it on the destruction or bettering of someone else. That’s a path to pain, insecurity and missing out on genuine, loving relationships. When you stop competing, you lose the agenda of fixing a past that you never needed to fix in the first place.
I am in awe of your ability to see and articulate these profound dynamics. Thank you.
Karen
on 27/01/2018 at 1:22 am
I am totally gobsmacked.
All day long, I have been wondering what to do about a new friendship that seems like she has to have all the control and I am relegated to the passenger seat, yet again, only in a new friendship.
It is not acceptable, yet I was fearful of saying anything, lest I come off sounding demanding, needy or too dramatic, too soon.
After she turned down my very first invitation to breakfast after she invited me for the last two weeks and I accepted, I fussed and fumed and and wrote about it in my journal until I recalled I should turn it over to God and go on about my day.
Around 1 p.m. l went to lunch, then shopping, then to speak to a local politician I want to do some work for, dragging home around 6. I had intentionally left my cell phone in the charger at home, watched pots never boil and all.
Sure enough, I got home to a long phone message from her. She’s called around 3 wanting to come by my house to see some art I had recently done.
My first (old and familiar) impulse was to call her back immediately and try to finagle a new visit. But I knew she’d probably say she was tired or something, so I journaled a while, waiting for God to give me a little more guidance.
By 6:30 I got an answer–I am beat from a long day, I am under no obligation to reply to anyone’s voicemail the nanosecond I get it, and perhaps it would be a good idea to let her wait till tomorrow.
I resolved to check my e-mail, then log off and call it a night, then curl up in bed with a new book about a certain bat-shit crazy “president of a certain large nation.”
The headline in your e-mail read: “Don’t send that text or make that call just yet…. figure out your intentions first …”
Jeeze, Nat, you are spooky psychic. 🙂
Cindy
on 28/01/2018 at 8:08 am
Hahaha! I love those moments when God so clearly answers us. You’re absolutely right – you don’t need to answer a call or text immediately. And letting it go until *you* feel comfortable with the timing (but not playing games) will help set the tone of the friendship. Your new friend will realise you’re not at her beck and call…
Jimmy Carter
on 12/02/2018 at 6:35 pm
As a man, I would never spend that much energy on a friendship. In my experience relationships seldom change from what they are from the start.
Cindy, you are either dealing with a personality who could not care less about other people’s feelings. Or she is pretty unawares of the effect of her attitudes on others, in this case you. If the later is the case, you will bring up the issue of how you feel and she will apologize and change course. (I do not think this will be the case at all.)
Leaving your phone at home in order not to be insulted and disrespected by a supposed friend is pretty intense. This action speaks volumes about the situation you are in.
Take good care of yourself.
Feisty
on 26/02/2018 at 4:33 pm
Well I had a friendship that changed from what it started as. Over 4 years a friend put less and less effort in. So I just went off radar and found that she wasn’t a loss in my life. In November last year she texted after months of no effort to contact me. This was the do I need to buy a Xmas present text. I was in two minds abut responding but I did tell her that life wasn’t easy. Heard nothing which confirmed what I realised that she wasn’t investing in the friendship any longer. So she got a note closing the friendship out because that is what I do when people treat me badly. My guess is she was deep down a bitter woman and very EU. Nat had a great post about they didn’t change you just got to know them better and so it was with this one. She isn’t a loss and I won’t CPR a friendship with someone who is already dead and doesn’t care. She probably won’t change but she now knows how her behaviour comes across. Her loss in your 50s it can be difficult to make friends and she won’t have many judging by her behaviour. I also applied the mirror technique when she started to tail off contact.
Brenda
on 27/01/2018 at 1:55 am
Thank you Natalie! I am glad you are back. This is exactly what I needed right now. It is amazing to me that you always come into my life exactly when I need it! You are a Godsend to me.
After months of no contact, Friday I asked someone to join me for lunch, by text, so dumb. I was glad the person could not come. Whew. Right after I sent the text I felt terrible and during lunch I looked at the table where I had lunch with girlfriends telling them this obsession was over. Well, falling off the wagon feels terrible, so back to NC and sanity! Thank you again for your words of wisdom, Natalie!
Katy
on 27/01/2018 at 4:52 am
I was competing with the harem. The question is, how in the world did I ever let myself be dragged into the harem? Absolutely unbelievable.
Claire Clark
on 28/01/2018 at 8:15 am
Katy this is such a great question especially in the light of Nat’s post. Please know you are not alone in getting caught up in this situation. Yes…unbelievable, because to anyone with even a skerrick of moral fibre like you, you end up wondering how the f..k do they even sleep at night. Presuming that they do, you then realise just how delusional about themselves and how intrinsically dysfunctional and limited they are as a worthwhile and credible human being.
CLR
on 29/01/2018 at 1:58 pm
2 previously EAU/narcissistically-inclined guys I had been involved with both took prescribed sleeping medication every night. I finally realized this was so they didn’t have to think/feel anything about their mistreatment of other people.
Feisty
on 26/02/2018 at 4:39 pm
The other way of looking at it is that they couldn’t sleep because their deeds came back to haunt them in the small hours! With meds to aid sleep you are right. I really believe these scum bags male or female know exactly what they are doing so there are no excuses for their behaviour and we need to stop giving them the radio play. They can only avoid life by using substances to cope or anti-depressants for their one time in band camp tales.
Elgie R.
on 28/01/2018 at 5:41 am
I have so many things to say in response to this wonderful post…too many things..they are banging around in my head all trying to get out at the same time. I will try to condense them.
I read BR regularly, but have not posted in a while. I see so many new posters who are in stage 1 of recovery – the “why won’t they love me back” stage. A tell-tale sign of this stage is when the words “always” and “never” are used. (I “always/never” ….. He “always/never”….) At that point you are not ready to move on to the intricate work of stage 2 – the self-excavation part of your journey. You don’t even realize there is a stage 2 yet. Stage 2 is figuring out “why do I work so hard to win these people?”
Bottom line, most of us need to re-parent ourselves. We have got to congratulate ourselves, encourage ourselves, lovingly nurture ourselves. The reason we keep trying to coerce love and acceptance from those who do not give it freely and regularly is because being loved and accepted and nurtured was so irregular and possibly totally absent when were children.
When re-parenting, keep your mind open for clues from all kinds of encounters. Take notice of when you feel slighted, or stung, or discounted, or even annoyed . Something I read said that when you feel a pang of emotional pain, instead of dwelling on the “why” of the pain, try to dig deeper to uncover the “what” of the pain.
Example: in a recent encounter with my mother, she discovered my credit score is higher than hers, and her reaction was shock and dismay, questioning how could that be since I am unemployed. She verbalized all kinds of justifications, all having to do with me carrying more debt. I was bemused. So first I asked myself “Why isn’t she happy that my credit is so good even though I am unemployed?” But I moved on to the “What is this saying? I get it. I am not supposed to be better than her when it comes to money. You SHOULD be less than. “ So she raised me with her belief that I should be less than her. OK. Got it. I need to re-parent myself with the belief that it is OK to do well..and it is OK to maybe do even Better.
And looking over my life, I can see ways in which I have sabotaged myself. I joke that I find ways to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, financially. (and other ways)
So often I am gripped with anxiety when I should be sleeping…even when I was employed. My dentist told me I am a teeth clencher and grinder, and I’ve read that can be caused by bottled up anger.
By happenstance I saw a PBS special about brain development in children. It fascinated me. I am reading a book to learn more because so many of our behaviors are rooted in what messages our brain receives in those formative years. I am totally convinced that my childhood environment programmed my brain to self-sabotage. The good news is that, with proper effort, brains can be retrained.
“You is kind, you is smart, you is important”.
When you REALLY believe that about yourself, EUMs and ACs won’t interest you for long.
Cindy
on 28/01/2018 at 8:20 am
Hi Elgie – I love this “What is this saying? I get it. I am not supposed to be better than her when it comes to money. You SHOULD be less than. “ So she raised me with her belief that I should be less than her. OK. Got it. I need to re-parent myself with the belief that it is OK to do well..and it is OK to maybe do even Better.” Wise words indeed.
I’m busy re-parenting myself too. I’d forgotten about that movie (The Help) – we all need someone to tell us those things, and for me, it’s going to have to be me. I’ve been looking in the mirror and saying, “I’m so proud of you. Well done.” I say it even when I’ve only done some small thing like cooking a proper dinner for myself. I also wasn’t allowed to be happy, or with someone who loved me, because my Mum wasn’t happy, so how could I dare to be happy, or successful, wealthy, etc. Same with my sister. They’re both gone now, yet I’m still keeping myself small, but all the while taking steps to expand, and telling myself things like, It’s okay to have more money than my parents, or anyone I know. I’m allowed to be happy. I’m allowed to do the things I love to do… It’s a process.
Elgie R.
on 28/01/2018 at 11:50 pm
Cindy, that is exactly the right thing you are doing there, praising yourself for treating yourself right. I have a list of ways to thank myself on my nightstand….the list is from an article about loving oneself:
Here are a few things to consider thanking yourself for:
– Making your bed.
– Any self-care: brushing your teeth, showering, putting effort into your appearance.
– Exercising.
– Making any effort toward your happiest and healthiest self.
– Making money and supporting yourself.
– Saying no to low-value activities and people.
– Accomplishing any goal you set for yourself.
– Rejecting negative thoughts and accepting yourself instead.
– Lifting up other people.
– Doing what’s right especially when it’s hard.
– Making yourself proud.
– Making time for friends and family.
– Forgiving someone instead of holding a grudge.
– Donating your time and money to charity.
– Working toward your dreams.
– Giving your best effort.
I feel awkward when I do it, but I also feel uplifted, so I am learning to do it more and more.
The reason EUMs and ACs appeal to us is that they feed our need for the attention we so desperately wanted but did not get. So when they turn off their spigots, we are thrown into an anxious mess…we want that attention back.
The brain needs five things to grow and be a healthy thinking machine: good diet, exercise, new-ness, challenge, and love. Reading about brain development has shown me that the need for approval and acceptance is wired into our brain matter. All those parents who think that giving attention to children equals spoiling children are wrong. Attention isn’t about gifts and parties, it is about observation and involvement and simply noticing your child, on the daily. So when you did not get that brain fuel while growing up, and most of us did not, is there any wonder why texting has become so addictive? We are a nation of attention starved junkies in need of a fix.
By the way, did you know you can “converse” with a baby while it is in your womb? And that you can converse with your child before they have the ability to talk? But I digress. I just find this stuff so fascinating.
This is interesting! I have been going through the “re-parenting myself” process recently, and one particularly frustrating thing about the man I just parted ways with is that I often felt as if I were being dragged back to being a teenager fighting with my parents when I was with him, not helped by him being 12 years older than me and a long-term family friend I’ve known since I was 17. I did make a practice that when I would find myself feeling triggered, I would take a step back and a few deep breaths and attempt to discern what it was that was bothering me and whether it was my issue or his, and work out a way to address it respectfully. This is in stark contrast to my lifelong habit of conflict avoidance.
I really had to laugh about how we sabotage ourselves! About a month ago I had an experience where after spending my entire adult life believing that I was just Born Under A Bad Star (i.e., “if it wasn’t for bad luck, I would have no luck at all!”), it suddenly struck me that I have always been extraordinarily lucky, but it never appeared that way to me since up until now all of my luck has been consumed saving me from the consequences of a catastrophically faulty M.O. I took account of all the ways in which I am spectacularly blessed and deduced that despite all that, I have managed to avoid success by sheer force of my propensity for self-sabotage.
Incidentally, at my last dental appointment the hygienist asked me if I clench and grind my teeth. I answered that I don’t know. Ever since that appointment I have found that I am CONSTANTLY clenching and grinding my teeth!
Claire Clark
on 28/01/2018 at 8:04 am
Nat this is really insightful and worth going deeper into. It feeds back into many FG showing signs of perfectionism even as a child. I have been aware in the last two “unavailable” relationships (yes I know, but I have found you now) that I have been competing with the person I have been attracted to on many levels. On the upside this led me to discover mountain biking. I was consciously determined to be a really good at this sport (better than Mr Unavailable No.1) and can now attest to being totally super fit and completely awesome at it! I am happy to provide any further information to contribute to your research, and can definitely attest to competitiveness being a very strong dynamic in some of these relationships.
Claire Clark
on 28/01/2018 at 8:17 am
Katy this is such a great question especially in the light of Nat’s post. Please know you are not alone in getting caught up in this situation. Yes…unbelievable, because to anyone with even a skerrick of moral fibre like you, you end up wondering how the f..k do they even sleep at night. Presuming that they do, you then realise just how delusional they are about themselves and how intrinsically dysfunctional and limited they are as a worthwhile and credible human being.
Kelley
on 29/01/2018 at 3:10 pm
Natalie. I am so glad you are back. I’ve been reading your work since 2009 ( and attended one of your workshops in NYC). You are like the sensible mother I never had- smacking me back into reality when it comes to choosing the wrong partners and accepting less than what I deserve.
Please keep doing what you do. You are really gifted and you speak in a way that makes logical sense, brings comfort, but also kicks butt a little bit 🙂
MillionReasons
on 31/01/2018 at 11:35 pm
Sometimes I think “I’m doing better now”. Then I see him, not necessarily interact with him; just see him. In an nanosecond I’m catapulted back to two years and one month ago.
I plead to Yo-yo, Buffer, Other Woman and Self-sufficient. With even a little encouragement from him I can seriously invest in Renovation. He has claimed he cannot sleep at night. More than once, I’ve received 4am texts. They are of the “how could you think that?” variety. Yes, how in the world could I think that he does not care, that he is playing me, that I really am not, as he has claimed, the center of his world. He states that I have no basis for these thoughts. I think we are both delusional.
My mother can never be pleased. No matter what I achieved, looked like, who I married, etc. Never good enough. Yet, G-d forbid when/if I surpass her in any respect. It threatens her and the result is scorn (or worse).
Ash
on 28/02/2018 at 5:11 pm
Hello all,
I have been reading this blog for a while, in the hope that it will bring my heart some comfort and I really hope someone replies to my comment as I feel so horribly alone and depressed following my 1 year ‘encounter’ with this man. I’ll try to keep this as short as possible.
We (i’ll call him A) met on a dating app, and started texting almost every day – A suggested meeting up but each time we were either in different cities or something came up (usually my fault). At the time I was also dating/talking to another guy. We subsequently decided to part ways after 3 dates because we wanted different things. Meanwhile A and I remained friends, messaged everyday but we had never met nor had we ever even spoken on the phone (I know, massive red flag). We used the ‘snapchat’ app to communicate, and we’d get a glimpse into each other’s family lives etc. Eventually we went on our first date and it was wonderful, he was everything I thought he was. We spoke for hours about life, family etc he mentioned something about meeting a 21 year old girl (he’s 32 and i’m 25), that he’d subsequently dumped after she’d thrown up on him after a night out. He was quite cruel when telling this story and said ‘I didn’t want any rape charges on me, and she was crazy! she said I used her and I was so judgemental etc’. This didn’t sit right with me, but I liked him so much and thought I knew him because we’d been ‘speaking’ for so many months. I think this is what ruined everything – I created this false image of him in my head purely because we had been communicating for 6 months before ever meeting in person. At the end of the date, he tried to push for more than a kiss and I told him no and he backed off. He said it was ‘the best first date ever’. I honestly felt like I had known him for years, so when he suggested our next date, I didn’t even think twice when it escalated to sleeping together. Prior to this we had spoken about our intentions and we agreed we both wanted to date. After sleeping together, he became distant and then told me a few days later that he wanted to keep doing this and see where it goes. I fell into the typical ‘justifying zone’ and told myself that was fine. It’s worth mentioning that when we’d slept together, he’d made some awful comments about how if ‘I enjoyed sex so much, I should’ve been married at 16’ and ‘whether i’d been tested for STDs’ – comments that simply made me feel degraded, but I was still blinded!
He continued to message me everyday, and asked me out to the movies etc, wished me luck for my exams, basically continued as normal. For 2 months I had to be away and couldn’t see him, but we kept in contact everyday but I noticed he would never tell me much more than surface details and if I’d try to probe he’d become distant. Eventually I got fed up of his push/pull non-sense and called him up on it – he made up some excuse and apologised. We’d arranged to meet and the day before he messaged me all day, and made sure I was happy – then he came over the following day, told me to get ‘dressed up’, had sex and instead of going out for a meal or staying – he left instantly! Following this he did not reply to my messages for a few days. I called him out on it and asked him what is it that we are doing? It was then a year later that he told me, he was not keen to settle with anyone because of a previous relationship, he then proceeded to throw out every excuse from moving countries to adopting a puppy for reason to not be in a relationship. He said he did not want any responsibilities to me,he did not want to ‘text me all day everyday’ – I never asked for this!
What followed is the reason I am beyond humiliated – I was so hopelessly in love with this man, that I now became the pursuer. I suggested we have dinner and talk about this, he ignored me. I eventually asked him to call me and he just laughed as if this was some joke and said nope sorry not for me anymore, I can see feelings getting in the way etc. He wasn’t taking me seriously eventually I called him and told him that I cared for him and I had seen his profiles on dating apps so clearly he was still looking for a relationship, and if I was not the one for him then good luck and I wish you the best but he proceeded to shout and scream at me saying that he had used me as a distraction because I was ‘cool and attractive’, that I was a whore for sleeping with him, he’d never marry a woman like me etc. I was shocked, I had never seen this side to him. I have read in Nat’s previous posts that people don’t change they just unfold. I guess this is what happened. He made me feel like all the feelings were in my head, and none of this had happened. Then did a 180 and said i’m amazing, he really likes me blah blah. By the end of the phone call – I was apologising to him! This is how manipulated I was. I went NC after this but then broke this a month later and reached out to see him, I couldn’t accept that he was this person. I saw him and he was so cold, he acted like a complete stranger and then suddenly changed into a loving man, held my hand, kissed me, opened the car door, cuddled me and then told me all the BS excuses again and had me feeling sorry for him. He went as far as to pull my head down onto his lap and let me ‘feel how excited he was’, and then told me ‘we can never speak again’. Mind fuck*ry to the max. I left him in tears, and told him that I was willing to give him everything (pathetic, I know) and he should come back into my life when he isn’t so broken. Fast forward 2 weeks, and he matches my friend on an app and suggests a ‘serious relationship’ and wants to take her out. Unfortunately, to compound my humiliation, I sent him a needless essay telling him that I finally realised what this was – and he proceeded to block me on everything. This was 3 months ago, I cry everyday because of my humiliation and the sheer shock of who this man turned out to be. I feel used and discarded. I am a Doctor and this has affected both my personal and professional life. I just do not know how to move on, the worst part is I keep beating myself up thinking ‘had I not slept with him so soon, then perhaps he wouldn’t think I was a whore’. My friends have told me numerous times that he had no intention to ever be in a relationship with me and simply used me. I feel horrible because I still have ‘love’ for this man. When will this stop.
Sorry for the long post, but I feel so alone and desperate.
Stephanie
on 01/03/2018 at 9:35 pm
Ash,
Much of this feeling of humiliation stems from your feelings about yourself and how you handle rejection. You undervalue yourself and overvalue the opinions of others. This man is a self-centered, mean-spirited ASSCLOWN! Big f*cking deal if he blocked you. Don’t devalue yourself based on the actions and opinions of a completely worthless individual. No one worth knowing cares that he got the last word or that you pursued him even though you knew he was a worm.
Time and self-reflection will work wonders. So will learning to forgive yourself. Forgiveness will free you from all the negative “should” messages you have been feeding yourself. As we learn to accept and love ourselves, these relationship mistakes cease to matter.
Ash
on 02/03/2018 at 3:14 pm
Stephanie,
I completely agree with your viewpoints. My humiliation is definitely about how I reacted and not him. It’s very much an internal thing. I was always so bothered about how I appeared to him that many times, I willingly allowed him to insult me! I simply cannot believe I allowed myself to be treated so poorly.
RE the ‘shoulda’ messages that keep running around my head, a lot of them were because of what he said. He made me feel as though if I had done certain things he would have given me the relationship that I wanted. I cannot think of a more cowardly way to ‘reject’ someone by pointing out things that I simply cannot change e.g. the app that we met on?!
Slowly moving forward. Thank you for your kind words! Xx
Feisty
on 01/03/2018 at 1:55 pm
Ash,
You ignored red flags and gave out too soon in other words he got the milk for free without any effort or investment on his part to make a relationship work. All you can do is reflect and spot the signs earlier but move on. These shit bags aren’t worth mooning over. Try the 90 day rule next time as if a man respects you he will wait. The player which he was won’t.
Ash
on 01/03/2018 at 4:55 pm
Fiesty,
Thanks for your reply. I admit that was definitely an error on my part. I should’ve told him to get lost when he told me ‘he deserved something for driving an hour to come and see me’. He looked devastated when I jokingly told him that I was on my period and we couldn’t sleep together. Huge, huge red flag.
I think more than anything, I am devastated by what he said ‘he used me’ – I was raped many years ago, and to think that a man has used me again to satisfy his needs and nothing more makes me feel truly traumatised. It took me a long time to open myself up to someone again, albeit a huge mistake, I was blinded by what I thought was a decent person.
Time and a lot of self-reflection/therapy needed.
EmilyTea
on 01/03/2018 at 9:13 pm
Ash,
please, PLEASE don’t beat yourself up about this, nor reprimand yourself for your mistakes. You were conned – pure and simple – and need to be compassionate with yourself, just as any decent human being would be to another human being who’d been screwed over. I promise you , you will in time feel very differently than you do right now, and wonder how on earth you could have felt you had a connection with/loved this individual. You have tricked yourself into feeling that you had a genuine connection, but really – if you can bear to be honest with yourself – you will understand that it was make-believe. At the moment though, you are processing all of the feelings and grieving for the ‘loss’ – the loss of the fantasy man that was partly (knowingly, and cruelly) fed by the man himself, but in large part made up by you. The truth is that these men (and the internet has given them instructions on how to deceive, manipulate and use modern communications to break down your boundaries, and fuelled their contempt and even hatred of women) – these men are JUST con-men. Confidence tricksters. Nothing greater than that. They are human beings with their good points and flaws, but their actual character is irrelevant because you WERE NEVER TRULY CLOSE, and your naivety, neediness and boundaries issues have been taken advantage of. He is a con-man. It’s not glamourous, or deep, or meaningful – though it feels that way to you because of everything you’ve fantasised and how he’s spun you along. They are nothing different from snake-oil merchants, or used-car salesmen who will happily sell you a deathtrap. You have something they want – money, attention, sex, confirmation that women are whores, whatever – and they are intentionally and calculatingly saying and doing whatever needs to be done (flattering you, texting you, romancing you, hinting at futures, making you feel sorry for them, exciting you, insulting you – you name it) to get that thing. He clearly despises women – isn’t that obvious? Why would you want to give anyone like that the time of day? He has treated you with contempt, but that’s no reflection on you. Please don’t waste any time pondering his motivations, his character, why he did/said xyz, why you “fell” for it – it is futile. You are a worthy human being, you have a good job, and many years ahead of you. For some reason, you are judging your self worth by your success with a man. You were ‘conned’ – by the thought of romance and the above tactics. Don’t feel bad about it – let the emotion out and MOVE ON. You would never DREAM of feeling wistful over the used car salesman who sold you a lemon that could have killed you as he ran off with your hard earned cash. Don’t do the same with this prick! And he IS a prick, make no mistake. But what he is or isn’t, how he was traumatised as a child, how good-looking he is, how cruel he was, how complex and interesting he appears and how he makes you feel and how you have such incredible chemistry and there’s no one like him, you feel soooo close – don’t fall for it! Grieving the loss of the imaginary fantasy will take some time, but PLEASE don’t let yourself get isolated. Life is very short, and it pains me to think of anyone hurting themselves and missing out on their own lives (and the people who already DO love you, and all the millions of GREAT men out there) because of these things. Read Natalie’s posts – they are brilliant! – know that you’re not alone, things WILL get better and do NOT for the love of GOD let this parasite (or any others like him, as you’ll now realise this is a ‘thing’, not an isolated incident) worm his way into your life again. Peace x
Used
on 02/03/2018 at 6:01 pm
Beautiful!
Ash
on 02/03/2018 at 8:58 pm
EmilyTea,
I cannot even begin to thank you enough for this comment. THIS has literally nailed the very existence of this ‘pseudo relationsh’t’ – it was purely a fantasy on both our parts. We were never close, when I think about what I actually know about him and what I think I know about him – it’s completely different! I put together some sort of fantasy image about him and what our life would look like together. So when I heard him scream and shout at me, it momentarily shattered that image I had of him in my head. For the first time in months, I woke up this morning and thought to myself ‘who the f*ck was that man?’ – because truth be told, I know nothing of any substance about him. When I recall the comments he’s made about me and women in general, it completely contradicts the ‘fantasy’ image I have of him in my head. Had I spent REAL time with this man, I would’ve had a much more realistic image of what he was. It almost seems as though the past year was some sort of dream with a nightmarish ending. I recall saying to him ‘who are you? Why am I so infatuated with you?’ To which he laughed and said ‘you know who I am’. Indeed he’d also made up this ‘fantasy’ image of me. Judgements he made about me are not reflective of who I am as a person at all! He never cared to find out who I really was – I was simply providing him with what he needed in that moment. I feel horrified that I have spent the best part of almost 5 months pondering whyyyyyyyy he did this to me? Or why was I not enough? Why why why, and it genuinely is futile. I just could never imagine doing this to another human, which is why I actually refused to believe that this (fantasy) man was simply tricking and using me. I am responsible for my own lack of self-esteem, poor boundaries etc that enabled this to happen. Good riddance! The next time someone show’s me who they actually are, i’ll believe them, the first time (and then politely show them the door).
Thank you!!! X
Feisty
on 05/03/2018 at 12:49 pm
Ash, we all learn sometimes the hard way. Sorry you were raped but you also recognise that he wasn’t genuine and only wanted one thing. These men are chameleons with a lot of practice. A decent man would not use a woman but then you did give him what he wanted and maybe you were naive without realising. After your past experience trust is difficult but you cannot let him define your life as then he like the rapist wins. Make any man in the future wait so you can be sure it is what you want.
Ash
on 05/03/2018 at 11:45 pm
Feisty,
Thanks for your reply. I appreciate your comment but the situation was not as black and white as that. Unfortunately, my first experience of ‘sexual love’ from a man was rape (no this was not in my childhood) – so it is not a simple case of being able to identify who is genuine and who is not. For some reason, he made me feel ‘safe’, and probably due to my trauma I associate intimacy with sex. I am clearly naive, but I am sure women far more experienced than me have fallen victim to similar situations. Alas if I could go back and change this – I would do it a million times over because the pain I feel is constant and real. Trusting someone was difficult before this, now it is damn near impossible. I have heard stories where women have made men wait for months, and the outcome is still the same, but yes waiting to have sex would eliminate those who JUST want sex. *Sigh* hindsight is beautiful thing.
“…the ‘fallback’ is the person who takes the passenger role in the relationship and who allows the other party to … “
Aha! I’ve been (reluctantly) coasting along in that passenger seat for the past couple years while I’ve gone about the process of closing down my erstwhile marriage and sweeping up the charred rubble, “just going along for the ride…because I’m not seeing anyone now, so why not?” Well, the “why not” just crashed through my windshield about 48 hours ago and I still have stars swirling around my head.
I note that my initial reaction was to do the “yoyo” in which my ego bounced up in full damage control armed response, shouting, “Hey! Reclaim your turf! Take your man back! You can do that with a finger-snap!” Then my rational mind stepped in saying, “Ahem, you do realize that you have been dealing with the most recent recipient of the “Grand Master Assclown” designation, right? Stand. The. F**k. Down.”
I’m giggling reading this since I am recovering from being the “Florence Nightingale” in the long marriage I just ended, and fell out laughing upon realizing that the guy referenced above has been doing his level best to “renovate” me into what he wants (which as best I can tell is a meek, obedient, prim, proper, pretty little prop), having snapped me up at a bargain price as a distressed asset before I even hit the ground out of my busted marriage.
Looks like I morphed into “Miss Self-Sufficient” in the just-ended rebound relationship.
The upshot? It is crystal-clear to me that letting go of that “transitional” relationship is an important step in my process of freeing myself from being trapped in old thought and beliefs and behaviour patterns of the past so I can at last move forward and create the future I want.
Feisty
on 05/03/2018 at 12:59 pm
Rebounds are never a good idea. Take time to heal without a man around and find yourself. For me it took the best part of 6 years but then I was emotionally abused in a marriage. From meeting him to divorce it took 12 years. They say one month for each year but in my case it was the damage to my ability to trust and self esteem which took so much longer. Sure I’ve met men but have seen the dysfunctional personas that they are and I don’t want to be a people pleaser, florence nightingale or whatever. With health issues I also have to put me first and that means I am careful not to be taken advantage of by a healer who can then control me. Having health issues is also a good way to weed out those who aren’t genuine as it would take a remarkable man to understand the limitations that can be imposed on my life.
Hi Feisty,
Sorry, I’d meant to respond to your comment earlier, but have been wrapped up in various things. I agree, and there is a LONG backstory to this particular rebound relationship, and yes, I knew full well that one should not jump straight into another relationship before you’ve even begun to detangle yourself from the last one. Good, bad or indifferent, I am part cat, and you know about cats and curiosity.
That said, I did in fact find this experience highly instructive on several levels, from giving me an opportunity to explore new ways of communicating with an intimate partner, to being close to a highly successful person and getting to observe how that M.O. works. While I would NOT advise this for a younger person, I gained a lot from it, and he may have learned a few things too.
Your comment jogged my memory that this guy I just broke up with was originally a real-live proxy for a catfish I had an online affair with in the waning days of my marriage when I realized it was beyond repair and down to a matter of when I could muster the moxie to end it. In that online fling I adopted the “Miss Independent/Self-Sufficient” role, or actually a dual role of that and “Fantasy Girl” by definition. I kept the Miss. Indy/SS costume on when I entered the proxy relationship, but began shedding it as I experimented with learning to articulate and express my needs and feelings and communicate honestly and directly, with varying results.
I I let the catfish swim away a couple years ago, having realized the absurdity of wasting any more of my time spinning my wheels in a fake relationship.
Sorry to hear about your illness. That really is a test of someone’s intentions toward you. Very best wishes!
I’m still chewing on this. That’s an eye-opening observation about identifying who we’re competing with. I’ve been feeling this thing physically running through me while observing the kaleidoscope of emotional reactions I have experienced since it all imploded a couple weeks ago. I am struck by how deeply ingrained my impulse is to be competitive about it, and how hard my ego/mind is trying to talk me into launching a counter-offensive and taking him back. I’m not falling for it though. It looks like I am now going through the “bargaining” stage of the grieving process. While entertaining a fantasy about winning him back might possibly provide some additional motivation (as in “success is the sweetest form of revenge”) to knock it out of the park with the effort I am currently mobilising to course-correct my professional trajectory that got derailed by my former marriage, I know I must cut this tie in order to move on. And there is nothing worth saving anyway. That relationship was star-crossed from Ground Zero!
I am recalling so many things Nat has written that I have read over the years, and now I know what it means to not be able to date someone with my self-worth in tow. For that matter, now I know how it feels to be informed by a 100% reliable source that you’ve been massively played and your partner you basically trusted has been two-timing on you.
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I am in awe of your ability to see and articulate these profound dynamics. Thank you.
I am totally gobsmacked.
All day long, I have been wondering what to do about a new friendship that seems like she has to have all the control and I am relegated to the passenger seat, yet again, only in a new friendship.
It is not acceptable, yet I was fearful of saying anything, lest I come off sounding demanding, needy or too dramatic, too soon.
After she turned down my very first invitation to breakfast after she invited me for the last two weeks and I accepted, I fussed and fumed and and wrote about it in my journal until I recalled I should turn it over to God and go on about my day.
Around 1 p.m. l went to lunch, then shopping, then to speak to a local politician I want to do some work for, dragging home around 6. I had intentionally left my cell phone in the charger at home, watched pots never boil and all.
Sure enough, I got home to a long phone message from her. She’s called around 3 wanting to come by my house to see some art I had recently done.
My first (old and familiar) impulse was to call her back immediately and try to finagle a new visit. But I knew she’d probably say she was tired or something, so I journaled a while, waiting for God to give me a little more guidance.
By 6:30 I got an answer–I am beat from a long day, I am under no obligation to reply to anyone’s voicemail the nanosecond I get it, and perhaps it would be a good idea to let her wait till tomorrow.
I resolved to check my e-mail, then log off and call it a night, then curl up in bed with a new book about a certain bat-shit crazy “president of a certain large nation.”
The headline in your e-mail read: “Don’t send that text or make that call just yet…. figure out your intentions first …”
Jeeze, Nat, you are spooky psychic. 🙂
Hahaha! I love those moments when God so clearly answers us. You’re absolutely right – you don’t need to answer a call or text immediately. And letting it go until *you* feel comfortable with the timing (but not playing games) will help set the tone of the friendship. Your new friend will realise you’re not at her beck and call…
As a man, I would never spend that much energy on a friendship. In my experience relationships seldom change from what they are from the start.
Cindy, you are either dealing with a personality who could not care less about other people’s feelings. Or she is pretty unawares of the effect of her attitudes on others, in this case you. If the later is the case, you will bring up the issue of how you feel and she will apologize and change course. (I do not think this will be the case at all.)
Leaving your phone at home in order not to be insulted and disrespected by a supposed friend is pretty intense. This action speaks volumes about the situation you are in.
Take good care of yourself.
Well I had a friendship that changed from what it started as. Over 4 years a friend put less and less effort in. So I just went off radar and found that she wasn’t a loss in my life. In November last year she texted after months of no effort to contact me. This was the do I need to buy a Xmas present text. I was in two minds abut responding but I did tell her that life wasn’t easy. Heard nothing which confirmed what I realised that she wasn’t investing in the friendship any longer. So she got a note closing the friendship out because that is what I do when people treat me badly. My guess is she was deep down a bitter woman and very EU. Nat had a great post about they didn’t change you just got to know them better and so it was with this one. She isn’t a loss and I won’t CPR a friendship with someone who is already dead and doesn’t care. She probably won’t change but she now knows how her behaviour comes across. Her loss in your 50s it can be difficult to make friends and she won’t have many judging by her behaviour. I also applied the mirror technique when she started to tail off contact.
Thank you Natalie! I am glad you are back. This is exactly what I needed right now. It is amazing to me that you always come into my life exactly when I need it! You are a Godsend to me.
After months of no contact, Friday I asked someone to join me for lunch, by text, so dumb. I was glad the person could not come. Whew. Right after I sent the text I felt terrible and during lunch I looked at the table where I had lunch with girlfriends telling them this obsession was over. Well, falling off the wagon feels terrible, so back to NC and sanity! Thank you again for your words of wisdom, Natalie!
I was competing with the harem. The question is, how in the world did I ever let myself be dragged into the harem? Absolutely unbelievable.
Katy this is such a great question especially in the light of Nat’s post. Please know you are not alone in getting caught up in this situation. Yes…unbelievable, because to anyone with even a skerrick of moral fibre like you, you end up wondering how the f..k do they even sleep at night. Presuming that they do, you then realise just how delusional about themselves and how intrinsically dysfunctional and limited they are as a worthwhile and credible human being.
2 previously EAU/narcissistically-inclined guys I had been involved with both took prescribed sleeping medication every night. I finally realized this was so they didn’t have to think/feel anything about their mistreatment of other people.
The other way of looking at it is that they couldn’t sleep because their deeds came back to haunt them in the small hours! With meds to aid sleep you are right. I really believe these scum bags male or female know exactly what they are doing so there are no excuses for their behaviour and we need to stop giving them the radio play. They can only avoid life by using substances to cope or anti-depressants for their one time in band camp tales.
I have so many things to say in response to this wonderful post…too many things..they are banging around in my head all trying to get out at the same time. I will try to condense them.
I read BR regularly, but have not posted in a while. I see so many new posters who are in stage 1 of recovery – the “why won’t they love me back” stage. A tell-tale sign of this stage is when the words “always” and “never” are used. (I “always/never” ….. He “always/never”….) At that point you are not ready to move on to the intricate work of stage 2 – the self-excavation part of your journey. You don’t even realize there is a stage 2 yet. Stage 2 is figuring out “why do I work so hard to win these people?”
Bottom line, most of us need to re-parent ourselves. We have got to congratulate ourselves, encourage ourselves, lovingly nurture ourselves. The reason we keep trying to coerce love and acceptance from those who do not give it freely and regularly is because being loved and accepted and nurtured was so irregular and possibly totally absent when were children.
When re-parenting, keep your mind open for clues from all kinds of encounters. Take notice of when you feel slighted, or stung, or discounted, or even annoyed . Something I read said that when you feel a pang of emotional pain, instead of dwelling on the “why” of the pain, try to dig deeper to uncover the “what” of the pain.
Example: in a recent encounter with my mother, she discovered my credit score is higher than hers, and her reaction was shock and dismay, questioning how could that be since I am unemployed. She verbalized all kinds of justifications, all having to do with me carrying more debt. I was bemused. So first I asked myself “Why isn’t she happy that my credit is so good even though I am unemployed?” But I moved on to the “What is this saying? I get it. I am not supposed to be better than her when it comes to money. You SHOULD be less than. “ So she raised me with her belief that I should be less than her. OK. Got it. I need to re-parent myself with the belief that it is OK to do well..and it is OK to maybe do even Better.
And looking over my life, I can see ways in which I have sabotaged myself. I joke that I find ways to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, financially. (and other ways)
So often I am gripped with anxiety when I should be sleeping…even when I was employed. My dentist told me I am a teeth clencher and grinder, and I’ve read that can be caused by bottled up anger.
By happenstance I saw a PBS special about brain development in children. It fascinated me. I am reading a book to learn more because so many of our behaviors are rooted in what messages our brain receives in those formative years. I am totally convinced that my childhood environment programmed my brain to self-sabotage. The good news is that, with proper effort, brains can be retrained.
“You is kind, you is smart, you is important”.
When you REALLY believe that about yourself, EUMs and ACs won’t interest you for long.
Hi Elgie – I love this “What is this saying? I get it. I am not supposed to be better than her when it comes to money. You SHOULD be less than. “ So she raised me with her belief that I should be less than her. OK. Got it. I need to re-parent myself with the belief that it is OK to do well..and it is OK to maybe do even Better.” Wise words indeed.
I’m busy re-parenting myself too. I’d forgotten about that movie (The Help) – we all need someone to tell us those things, and for me, it’s going to have to be me. I’ve been looking in the mirror and saying, “I’m so proud of you. Well done.” I say it even when I’ve only done some small thing like cooking a proper dinner for myself. I also wasn’t allowed to be happy, or with someone who loved me, because my Mum wasn’t happy, so how could I dare to be happy, or successful, wealthy, etc. Same with my sister. They’re both gone now, yet I’m still keeping myself small, but all the while taking steps to expand, and telling myself things like, It’s okay to have more money than my parents, or anyone I know. I’m allowed to be happy. I’m allowed to do the things I love to do… It’s a process.
Cindy, that is exactly the right thing you are doing there, praising yourself for treating yourself right. I have a list of ways to thank myself on my nightstand….the list is from an article about loving oneself:
Here are a few things to consider thanking yourself for:
– Making your bed.
– Any self-care: brushing your teeth, showering, putting effort into your appearance.
– Exercising.
– Making any effort toward your happiest and healthiest self.
– Making money and supporting yourself.
– Saying no to low-value activities and people.
– Accomplishing any goal you set for yourself.
– Rejecting negative thoughts and accepting yourself instead.
– Lifting up other people.
– Doing what’s right especially when it’s hard.
– Making yourself proud.
– Making time for friends and family.
– Forgiving someone instead of holding a grudge.
– Donating your time and money to charity.
– Working toward your dreams.
– Giving your best effort.
I feel awkward when I do it, but I also feel uplifted, so I am learning to do it more and more.
The reason EUMs and ACs appeal to us is that they feed our need for the attention we so desperately wanted but did not get. So when they turn off their spigots, we are thrown into an anxious mess…we want that attention back.
The brain needs five things to grow and be a healthy thinking machine: good diet, exercise, new-ness, challenge, and love. Reading about brain development has shown me that the need for approval and acceptance is wired into our brain matter. All those parents who think that giving attention to children equals spoiling children are wrong. Attention isn’t about gifts and parties, it is about observation and involvement and simply noticing your child, on the daily. So when you did not get that brain fuel while growing up, and most of us did not, is there any wonder why texting has become so addictive? We are a nation of attention starved junkies in need of a fix.
By the way, did you know you can “converse” with a baby while it is in your womb? And that you can converse with your child before they have the ability to talk? But I digress. I just find this stuff so fascinating.
This is interesting! I have been going through the “re-parenting myself” process recently, and one particularly frustrating thing about the man I just parted ways with is that I often felt as if I were being dragged back to being a teenager fighting with my parents when I was with him, not helped by him being 12 years older than me and a long-term family friend I’ve known since I was 17. I did make a practice that when I would find myself feeling triggered, I would take a step back and a few deep breaths and attempt to discern what it was that was bothering me and whether it was my issue or his, and work out a way to address it respectfully. This is in stark contrast to my lifelong habit of conflict avoidance.
I really had to laugh about how we sabotage ourselves! About a month ago I had an experience where after spending my entire adult life believing that I was just Born Under A Bad Star (i.e., “if it wasn’t for bad luck, I would have no luck at all!”), it suddenly struck me that I have always been extraordinarily lucky, but it never appeared that way to me since up until now all of my luck has been consumed saving me from the consequences of a catastrophically faulty M.O. I took account of all the ways in which I am spectacularly blessed and deduced that despite all that, I have managed to avoid success by sheer force of my propensity for self-sabotage.
Incidentally, at my last dental appointment the hygienist asked me if I clench and grind my teeth. I answered that I don’t know. Ever since that appointment I have found that I am CONSTANTLY clenching and grinding my teeth!
Nat this is really insightful and worth going deeper into. It feeds back into many FG showing signs of perfectionism even as a child. I have been aware in the last two “unavailable” relationships (yes I know, but I have found you now) that I have been competing with the person I have been attracted to on many levels. On the upside this led me to discover mountain biking. I was consciously determined to be a really good at this sport (better than Mr Unavailable No.1) and can now attest to being totally super fit and completely awesome at it! I am happy to provide any further information to contribute to your research, and can definitely attest to competitiveness being a very strong dynamic in some of these relationships.
Katy this is such a great question especially in the light of Nat’s post. Please know you are not alone in getting caught up in this situation. Yes…unbelievable, because to anyone with even a skerrick of moral fibre like you, you end up wondering how the f..k do they even sleep at night. Presuming that they do, you then realise just how delusional they are about themselves and how intrinsically dysfunctional and limited they are as a worthwhile and credible human being.
Natalie. I am so glad you are back. I’ve been reading your work since 2009 ( and attended one of your workshops in NYC). You are like the sensible mother I never had- smacking me back into reality when it comes to choosing the wrong partners and accepting less than what I deserve.
Please keep doing what you do. You are really gifted and you speak in a way that makes logical sense, brings comfort, but also kicks butt a little bit 🙂
Sometimes I think “I’m doing better now”. Then I see him, not necessarily interact with him; just see him. In an nanosecond I’m catapulted back to two years and one month ago.
I plead to Yo-yo, Buffer, Other Woman and Self-sufficient. With even a little encouragement from him I can seriously invest in Renovation. He has claimed he cannot sleep at night. More than once, I’ve received 4am texts. They are of the “how could you think that?” variety. Yes, how in the world could I think that he does not care, that he is playing me, that I really am not, as he has claimed, the center of his world. He states that I have no basis for these thoughts. I think we are both delusional.
My mother can never be pleased. No matter what I achieved, looked like, who I married, etc. Never good enough. Yet, G-d forbid when/if I surpass her in any respect. It threatens her and the result is scorn (or worse).
Hello all,
I have been reading this blog for a while, in the hope that it will bring my heart some comfort and I really hope someone replies to my comment as I feel so horribly alone and depressed following my 1 year ‘encounter’ with this man. I’ll try to keep this as short as possible.
We (i’ll call him A) met on a dating app, and started texting almost every day – A suggested meeting up but each time we were either in different cities or something came up (usually my fault). At the time I was also dating/talking to another guy. We subsequently decided to part ways after 3 dates because we wanted different things. Meanwhile A and I remained friends, messaged everyday but we had never met nor had we ever even spoken on the phone (I know, massive red flag). We used the ‘snapchat’ app to communicate, and we’d get a glimpse into each other’s family lives etc. Eventually we went on our first date and it was wonderful, he was everything I thought he was. We spoke for hours about life, family etc he mentioned something about meeting a 21 year old girl (he’s 32 and i’m 25), that he’d subsequently dumped after she’d thrown up on him after a night out. He was quite cruel when telling this story and said ‘I didn’t want any rape charges on me, and she was crazy! she said I used her and I was so judgemental etc’. This didn’t sit right with me, but I liked him so much and thought I knew him because we’d been ‘speaking’ for so many months. I think this is what ruined everything – I created this false image of him in my head purely because we had been communicating for 6 months before ever meeting in person. At the end of the date, he tried to push for more than a kiss and I told him no and he backed off. He said it was ‘the best first date ever’. I honestly felt like I had known him for years, so when he suggested our next date, I didn’t even think twice when it escalated to sleeping together. Prior to this we had spoken about our intentions and we agreed we both wanted to date. After sleeping together, he became distant and then told me a few days later that he wanted to keep doing this and see where it goes. I fell into the typical ‘justifying zone’ and told myself that was fine. It’s worth mentioning that when we’d slept together, he’d made some awful comments about how if ‘I enjoyed sex so much, I should’ve been married at 16’ and ‘whether i’d been tested for STDs’ – comments that simply made me feel degraded, but I was still blinded!
He continued to message me everyday, and asked me out to the movies etc, wished me luck for my exams, basically continued as normal. For 2 months I had to be away and couldn’t see him, but we kept in contact everyday but I noticed he would never tell me much more than surface details and if I’d try to probe he’d become distant. Eventually I got fed up of his push/pull non-sense and called him up on it – he made up some excuse and apologised. We’d arranged to meet and the day before he messaged me all day, and made sure I was happy – then he came over the following day, told me to get ‘dressed up’, had sex and instead of going out for a meal or staying – he left instantly! Following this he did not reply to my messages for a few days. I called him out on it and asked him what is it that we are doing? It was then a year later that he told me, he was not keen to settle with anyone because of a previous relationship, he then proceeded to throw out every excuse from moving countries to adopting a puppy for reason to not be in a relationship. He said he did not want any responsibilities to me,he did not want to ‘text me all day everyday’ – I never asked for this!
What followed is the reason I am beyond humiliated – I was so hopelessly in love with this man, that I now became the pursuer. I suggested we have dinner and talk about this, he ignored me. I eventually asked him to call me and he just laughed as if this was some joke and said nope sorry not for me anymore, I can see feelings getting in the way etc. He wasn’t taking me seriously eventually I called him and told him that I cared for him and I had seen his profiles on dating apps so clearly he was still looking for a relationship, and if I was not the one for him then good luck and I wish you the best but he proceeded to shout and scream at me saying that he had used me as a distraction because I was ‘cool and attractive’, that I was a whore for sleeping with him, he’d never marry a woman like me etc. I was shocked, I had never seen this side to him. I have read in Nat’s previous posts that people don’t change they just unfold. I guess this is what happened. He made me feel like all the feelings were in my head, and none of this had happened. Then did a 180 and said i’m amazing, he really likes me blah blah. By the end of the phone call – I was apologising to him! This is how manipulated I was. I went NC after this but then broke this a month later and reached out to see him, I couldn’t accept that he was this person. I saw him and he was so cold, he acted like a complete stranger and then suddenly changed into a loving man, held my hand, kissed me, opened the car door, cuddled me and then told me all the BS excuses again and had me feeling sorry for him. He went as far as to pull my head down onto his lap and let me ‘feel how excited he was’, and then told me ‘we can never speak again’. Mind fuck*ry to the max. I left him in tears, and told him that I was willing to give him everything (pathetic, I know) and he should come back into my life when he isn’t so broken. Fast forward 2 weeks, and he matches my friend on an app and suggests a ‘serious relationship’ and wants to take her out. Unfortunately, to compound my humiliation, I sent him a needless essay telling him that I finally realised what this was – and he proceeded to block me on everything. This was 3 months ago, I cry everyday because of my humiliation and the sheer shock of who this man turned out to be. I feel used and discarded. I am a Doctor and this has affected both my personal and professional life. I just do not know how to move on, the worst part is I keep beating myself up thinking ‘had I not slept with him so soon, then perhaps he wouldn’t think I was a whore’. My friends have told me numerous times that he had no intention to ever be in a relationship with me and simply used me. I feel horrible because I still have ‘love’ for this man. When will this stop.
Sorry for the long post, but I feel so alone and desperate.
Ash,
Much of this feeling of humiliation stems from your feelings about yourself and how you handle rejection. You undervalue yourself and overvalue the opinions of others. This man is a self-centered, mean-spirited ASSCLOWN! Big f*cking deal if he blocked you. Don’t devalue yourself based on the actions and opinions of a completely worthless individual. No one worth knowing cares that he got the last word or that you pursued him even though you knew he was a worm.
Time and self-reflection will work wonders. So will learning to forgive yourself. Forgiveness will free you from all the negative “should” messages you have been feeding yourself. As we learn to accept and love ourselves, these relationship mistakes cease to matter.
Stephanie,
I completely agree with your viewpoints. My humiliation is definitely about how I reacted and not him. It’s very much an internal thing. I was always so bothered about how I appeared to him that many times, I willingly allowed him to insult me! I simply cannot believe I allowed myself to be treated so poorly.
RE the ‘shoulda’ messages that keep running around my head, a lot of them were because of what he said. He made me feel as though if I had done certain things he would have given me the relationship that I wanted. I cannot think of a more cowardly way to ‘reject’ someone by pointing out things that I simply cannot change e.g. the app that we met on?!
Slowly moving forward. Thank you for your kind words! Xx
Ash,
You ignored red flags and gave out too soon in other words he got the milk for free without any effort or investment on his part to make a relationship work. All you can do is reflect and spot the signs earlier but move on. These shit bags aren’t worth mooning over. Try the 90 day rule next time as if a man respects you he will wait. The player which he was won’t.
Fiesty,
Thanks for your reply. I admit that was definitely an error on my part. I should’ve told him to get lost when he told me ‘he deserved something for driving an hour to come and see me’. He looked devastated when I jokingly told him that I was on my period and we couldn’t sleep together. Huge, huge red flag.
I think more than anything, I am devastated by what he said ‘he used me’ – I was raped many years ago, and to think that a man has used me again to satisfy his needs and nothing more makes me feel truly traumatised. It took me a long time to open myself up to someone again, albeit a huge mistake, I was blinded by what I thought was a decent person.
Time and a lot of self-reflection/therapy needed.
Ash,
please, PLEASE don’t beat yourself up about this, nor reprimand yourself for your mistakes. You were conned – pure and simple – and need to be compassionate with yourself, just as any decent human being would be to another human being who’d been screwed over. I promise you , you will in time feel very differently than you do right now, and wonder how on earth you could have felt you had a connection with/loved this individual. You have tricked yourself into feeling that you had a genuine connection, but really – if you can bear to be honest with yourself – you will understand that it was make-believe. At the moment though, you are processing all of the feelings and grieving for the ‘loss’ – the loss of the fantasy man that was partly (knowingly, and cruelly) fed by the man himself, but in large part made up by you. The truth is that these men (and the internet has given them instructions on how to deceive, manipulate and use modern communications to break down your boundaries, and fuelled their contempt and even hatred of women) – these men are JUST con-men. Confidence tricksters. Nothing greater than that. They are human beings with their good points and flaws, but their actual character is irrelevant because you WERE NEVER TRULY CLOSE, and your naivety, neediness and boundaries issues have been taken advantage of. He is a con-man. It’s not glamourous, or deep, or meaningful – though it feels that way to you because of everything you’ve fantasised and how he’s spun you along. They are nothing different from snake-oil merchants, or used-car salesmen who will happily sell you a deathtrap. You have something they want – money, attention, sex, confirmation that women are whores, whatever – and they are intentionally and calculatingly saying and doing whatever needs to be done (flattering you, texting you, romancing you, hinting at futures, making you feel sorry for them, exciting you, insulting you – you name it) to get that thing. He clearly despises women – isn’t that obvious? Why would you want to give anyone like that the time of day? He has treated you with contempt, but that’s no reflection on you. Please don’t waste any time pondering his motivations, his character, why he did/said xyz, why you “fell” for it – it is futile. You are a worthy human being, you have a good job, and many years ahead of you. For some reason, you are judging your self worth by your success with a man. You were ‘conned’ – by the thought of romance and the above tactics. Don’t feel bad about it – let the emotion out and MOVE ON. You would never DREAM of feeling wistful over the used car salesman who sold you a lemon that could have killed you as he ran off with your hard earned cash. Don’t do the same with this prick! And he IS a prick, make no mistake. But what he is or isn’t, how he was traumatised as a child, how good-looking he is, how cruel he was, how complex and interesting he appears and how he makes you feel and how you have such incredible chemistry and there’s no one like him, you feel soooo close – don’t fall for it! Grieving the loss of the imaginary fantasy will take some time, but PLEASE don’t let yourself get isolated. Life is very short, and it pains me to think of anyone hurting themselves and missing out on their own lives (and the people who already DO love you, and all the millions of GREAT men out there) because of these things. Read Natalie’s posts – they are brilliant! – know that you’re not alone, things WILL get better and do NOT for the love of GOD let this parasite (or any others like him, as you’ll now realise this is a ‘thing’, not an isolated incident) worm his way into your life again. Peace x
Beautiful!
EmilyTea,
I cannot even begin to thank you enough for this comment. THIS has literally nailed the very existence of this ‘pseudo relationsh’t’ – it was purely a fantasy on both our parts. We were never close, when I think about what I actually know about him and what I think I know about him – it’s completely different! I put together some sort of fantasy image about him and what our life would look like together. So when I heard him scream and shout at me, it momentarily shattered that image I had of him in my head. For the first time in months, I woke up this morning and thought to myself ‘who the f*ck was that man?’ – because truth be told, I know nothing of any substance about him. When I recall the comments he’s made about me and women in general, it completely contradicts the ‘fantasy’ image I have of him in my head. Had I spent REAL time with this man, I would’ve had a much more realistic image of what he was. It almost seems as though the past year was some sort of dream with a nightmarish ending. I recall saying to him ‘who are you? Why am I so infatuated with you?’ To which he laughed and said ‘you know who I am’. Indeed he’d also made up this ‘fantasy’ image of me. Judgements he made about me are not reflective of who I am as a person at all! He never cared to find out who I really was – I was simply providing him with what he needed in that moment. I feel horrified that I have spent the best part of almost 5 months pondering whyyyyyyyy he did this to me? Or why was I not enough? Why why why, and it genuinely is futile. I just could never imagine doing this to another human, which is why I actually refused to believe that this (fantasy) man was simply tricking and using me. I am responsible for my own lack of self-esteem, poor boundaries etc that enabled this to happen. Good riddance! The next time someone show’s me who they actually are, i’ll believe them, the first time (and then politely show them the door).
Thank you!!! X
Ash, we all learn sometimes the hard way. Sorry you were raped but you also recognise that he wasn’t genuine and only wanted one thing. These men are chameleons with a lot of practice. A decent man would not use a woman but then you did give him what he wanted and maybe you were naive without realising. After your past experience trust is difficult but you cannot let him define your life as then he like the rapist wins. Make any man in the future wait so you can be sure it is what you want.
Feisty,
Thanks for your reply. I appreciate your comment but the situation was not as black and white as that. Unfortunately, my first experience of ‘sexual love’ from a man was rape (no this was not in my childhood) – so it is not a simple case of being able to identify who is genuine and who is not. For some reason, he made me feel ‘safe’, and probably due to my trauma I associate intimacy with sex. I am clearly naive, but I am sure women far more experienced than me have fallen victim to similar situations. Alas if I could go back and change this – I would do it a million times over because the pain I feel is constant and real. Trusting someone was difficult before this, now it is damn near impossible. I have heard stories where women have made men wait for months, and the outcome is still the same, but yes waiting to have sex would eliminate those who JUST want sex. *Sigh* hindsight is beautiful thing.
“…the ‘fallback’ is the person who takes the passenger role in the relationship and who allows the other party to … “
Aha! I’ve been (reluctantly) coasting along in that passenger seat for the past couple years while I’ve gone about the process of closing down my erstwhile marriage and sweeping up the charred rubble, “just going along for the ride…because I’m not seeing anyone now, so why not?” Well, the “why not” just crashed through my windshield about 48 hours ago and I still have stars swirling around my head.
I note that my initial reaction was to do the “yoyo” in which my ego bounced up in full damage control armed response, shouting, “Hey! Reclaim your turf! Take your man back! You can do that with a finger-snap!” Then my rational mind stepped in saying, “Ahem, you do realize that you have been dealing with the most recent recipient of the “Grand Master Assclown” designation, right? Stand. The. F**k. Down.”
I’m giggling reading this since I am recovering from being the “Florence Nightingale” in the long marriage I just ended, and fell out laughing upon realizing that the guy referenced above has been doing his level best to “renovate” me into what he wants (which as best I can tell is a meek, obedient, prim, proper, pretty little prop), having snapped me up at a bargain price as a distressed asset before I even hit the ground out of my busted marriage.
Looks like I morphed into “Miss Self-Sufficient” in the just-ended rebound relationship.
The upshot? It is crystal-clear to me that letting go of that “transitional” relationship is an important step in my process of freeing myself from being trapped in old thought and beliefs and behaviour patterns of the past so I can at last move forward and create the future I want.
Rebounds are never a good idea. Take time to heal without a man around and find yourself. For me it took the best part of 6 years but then I was emotionally abused in a marriage. From meeting him to divorce it took 12 years. They say one month for each year but in my case it was the damage to my ability to trust and self esteem which took so much longer. Sure I’ve met men but have seen the dysfunctional personas that they are and I don’t want to be a people pleaser, florence nightingale or whatever. With health issues I also have to put me first and that means I am careful not to be taken advantage of by a healer who can then control me. Having health issues is also a good way to weed out those who aren’t genuine as it would take a remarkable man to understand the limitations that can be imposed on my life.
Hi Feisty,
Sorry, I’d meant to respond to your comment earlier, but have been wrapped up in various things. I agree, and there is a LONG backstory to this particular rebound relationship, and yes, I knew full well that one should not jump straight into another relationship before you’ve even begun to detangle yourself from the last one. Good, bad or indifferent, I am part cat, and you know about cats and curiosity.
That said, I did in fact find this experience highly instructive on several levels, from giving me an opportunity to explore new ways of communicating with an intimate partner, to being close to a highly successful person and getting to observe how that M.O. works. While I would NOT advise this for a younger person, I gained a lot from it, and he may have learned a few things too.
Your comment jogged my memory that this guy I just broke up with was originally a real-live proxy for a catfish I had an online affair with in the waning days of my marriage when I realized it was beyond repair and down to a matter of when I could muster the moxie to end it. In that online fling I adopted the “Miss Independent/Self-Sufficient” role, or actually a dual role of that and “Fantasy Girl” by definition. I kept the Miss. Indy/SS costume on when I entered the proxy relationship, but began shedding it as I experimented with learning to articulate and express my needs and feelings and communicate honestly and directly, with varying results.
I I let the catfish swim away a couple years ago, having realized the absurdity of wasting any more of my time spinning my wheels in a fake relationship.
Sorry to hear about your illness. That really is a test of someone’s intentions toward you. Very best wishes!
I’m still chewing on this. That’s an eye-opening observation about identifying who we’re competing with. I’ve been feeling this thing physically running through me while observing the kaleidoscope of emotional reactions I have experienced since it all imploded a couple weeks ago. I am struck by how deeply ingrained my impulse is to be competitive about it, and how hard my ego/mind is trying to talk me into launching a counter-offensive and taking him back. I’m not falling for it though. It looks like I am now going through the “bargaining” stage of the grieving process. While entertaining a fantasy about winning him back might possibly provide some additional motivation (as in “success is the sweetest form of revenge”) to knock it out of the park with the effort I am currently mobilising to course-correct my professional trajectory that got derailed by my former marriage, I know I must cut this tie in order to move on. And there is nothing worth saving anyway. That relationship was star-crossed from Ground Zero!
I am recalling so many things Nat has written that I have read over the years, and now I know what it means to not be able to date someone with my self-worth in tow. For that matter, now I know how it feels to be informed by a 100% reliable source that you’ve been massively played and your partner you basically trusted has been two-timing on you.