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Oct 22

I’ve promised myself that I will do better at being shouty about things I've done or am doing. Last week, my podcast, The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, reached the two hundred episodes milestone 🎉🎉🎉 It was my husband, Em, who suggested I start one, and after a year of faffing about due to, well, perfectionism and overthinking, I finally launched.

This experience has taught me so much about commitment and releasing perfectionism. I didn't have a number of episodes in mind, and I definitely didn't think I'd make two hundred! Even though I wasn't sure what I was doing or where it would lead, I did it anyway. And then responded and tweaked and adapted as I went. I enjoyed making every episode, but it took making eighty or so to zone in on how I wanted to do things. I had to be willing to make those episodes first, though, and listen.

Five years on, including a year’s break in between after losing my father and feeling a bit lost between that and turning forty, almost 1.8 million downloads, and having accompanied people’s bath and bed times, gym sessions, walks, runs, hikes, mountain climbing (literally and figuratively), chill sessions and so much more, I found it fitting to celebrate with the person who kickstarted it.

Em joined me for episode 200 (my first with a guest) and we answered listener questions, including how we met, our thoughts on how we knew the other was The One, and how we deal with conflict. It was so much fun to make and Em’s been enjoying the fan mail 😂

You can listen to this episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions on all podcast players. Also, link in bio.

#baggagereclaim #britishpodcast #irishpodcast #recoveringperfectionist ...

Oct 21

When we lose ourselves, and so we forget who we are and what matters to us, it's time to halt. Something has caused us to become disconnected. Sure, it might be that we’ve become lost in an unhealthy relationship. It could be, though, that in our quest to be what we think is our version of ’good’, ’loving’ or even ’perfect’, we got so caught up in playing this role that we stopped knowing how to be us. It could be that in our pursuit of a goal, we’ve lost connection to other things that matter because we’re blinded by who we think we’ll be when we get what we want.

It's not that we have to jump ship, forget our goals or blame the other person, but what we need to do is notice the way that we’re going about things. If we tend to lose ourselves, often what isn't good for us is the approach. We don't have to put our self-esteem on the chopping block or give ourselves up to make others or even ourselves happy.

#baggagereclaim #datingadvice #relationshipquotes #relationshipadvice #boundaries #healthyrelationships #healthyboundaries #datingtips #selfworth #selfworthquotes #expressyourself #selfexpression #listentoyourself #recoveringpeoplepleaser #recoveringperfectionist #peoplepleasing #peoplepleaser ...

Oct 19

One of my old favourites: When someone likes you and genuinely wants to be with you, they don't burn up their energies trying to resist you, plus they won't leave it ambiguous and run the risk of losing you. They'll step up with consistent actions that match their words. You will feel and know their interest.

#baggagereclaim #datingadvice #relationshipquotes #relationshipadvice #boundaries #healthyrelationships #healthyboundaries #datingtips #selfworth #selfworthquotes ...

Oct 13

Louder, just in case you didn't hear it down the back! If you say yes because you basically emotionally blackmailed you into it, you were afraid to say, or you didn’t consider you as a human being and acted like you have no needs or that it's ok for you to suffer instead of saying no, your yes is inauthentic and problematic. I talk about why no isn't a dirty word on the current episode (199) of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. Link in bio and available on all podcast players.

#baggagereclaim #howtosayno #sayno #healthyboundaries #boundaries #recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #peoplepleasernomore #peoplepleasers #overresponsible #innerchild #innerchildhealing #beingyourself #selfexpression #codependentnomore #listentoyourself #listeningtoyourbody #intuitionquotes #trustyourself #trustyourgut ...

Oct 8

One of the things that I’ve noticed is that Professor Life is always trying to get our attention. You know like when we keep finding ourselves in repeat situations or the problem we’ve hoped will go away without us having to assert ourselves snowballs and becomes acutely uncomfortable. It might be our health that proves to be the alarm bell that finally makes us slow down and listen after we ignored earlier warning signs.

Whatever it is, we’re not built for ignoring and neglecting ourselves. We don’t have to wait until we’re in deep pain and chaos or our back’s against the wall to pay attention, finally say no, or practise self-care. If we consistently listen to ourselves and learn from those times when we don’t, we will get into a loving, caring, trusting and respectful relationship with ourselves.

#baggagereclaim #takecareofyou #beingyourself #selfexpression #codependentnomore #listentoyourself #listeningtoyourbody #intuitionquotes #trustyourself #trustyourgut ...

Oct 7

When you think about some of the things you're still hard on you about and that shape what you allow you to be, do and have or what you avoid, it's like you've been serving a lifetime sentence. There are folks out there who've committed actual crimes who've served far shorter sentences. My two-year-old self served a twenty-six-year sentence for my parents breakup. Hardcore, and most definitely not warranted.

There's a younger version of you for every age, every moment of your life. Those younger versions that you blame for old hurts and losses need your forgiveness. Would you hold it over someone else for the same thing? Would you blame or shame a loved one or a small child for the same thing? Exactly. So now you get to be kinder to you.

#baggagereclaim #innerchild #innerchildhealing #forgivenessquotes #forgiveness #selfforgiveness #selfcompassion #youngerself ...

Oct 6

Some people will be and do things to advance their self-interest while claiming that it’s good for you or that you should be cool with it.
You are the steward of your bandwidth, boundaries and values, so you have to decide what feels good and right for you. ❤️

#baggagereclaim #healthyboundaries #boundaries #recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #peoplepleasernomore #peoplepleasers #overresponsible #innerchild #innerchildhealing #beingyourself #selfexpression #codependentnomore #listentoyourself #listeningtoyourbody #intuitionquotes #trustyourself #trustyourgut ...

Oct 5

As a recovering people-pleaser, I'm all too aware of how we can end up doing what * seems* like good things, but for the wrong reasons. I mistook suppressing and repressing my needs, desires, expectations, feelings and opinions for being ’pleasing’. I thought I was helping and being good, loving people. And yeah, sure, I wasn't being *direct* or *myself* but I figured I'd get rewarded and appreciated for all of my good deeds. Nope!

Becoming aware of what was driving me--fear, trying to control how I'm perceived or the other person’s feelings and behaviour, avoiding something--helped me to be more of who I really am and enjoy more boundaried and fulfilling relationships.

You can be a loving, kind, generous person *and also* be yourself and boundaried at the same time.

#baggagereclaim #emotionalintelligence #recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #peoplepleasernomore #boundaries #healthyboundaries #overresponsible #innerchild #innerchildhealing #beingyourself #selfexpression #codependentnomore #listentoyourself #listeningtoyourbody #intuitionquotes #trustyourself #trustyourgut #karpmandramatriangle ...

Oct 4

Sometimes, we agree with something on the outside or comply despite feeling very differently on the inside. Inwardly, we might be saying no or voicing our resentment or frustration. In other situations, we feel a spark of joy, resonance, *something*, and then we might quickly shut it down because it scares us or doesn't fit with other people’s expectations. Maybe, we've learned to criticise or silence aspects of ourselves because we were shamed about them as a child and made to think they were wrong.

We rediscover our true selves when we allow those repressed parts of us to have a voice. Next time you’re feeling scared, anxious, guilty, resentful or frustrated and feel as if you have to do what others expect, check in with that repressed part of you. Even if you can't make immediate changes, listening in will give you clues about to live more happily and authentically by being more you.

#baggagereclaim #healthyboundaries #selfexpression #listeningtoyourself #trustyourgut #trustyourintuition #recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #beyourself #selfworth #innervoice #authenticself ...

Oct 1

Every single thing humans do is about trying to meet needs. No matter how lovely or nice a person or a job is, if the relationship or job isn’t meeting our needs and isn’t in alignment with our core values—character, what matters to us and where we want to go—they won’t fulfil us because we can’t be authentic. We will settle for less than who we really are while convincing ourselves that we ‘should’ feel differently *because* the person is nice or they or a job are what someone else would say is the definition of ‘success’.

If something doesn’t feel right despite how lovely someone or something seems, don’t dismiss yourself. Get curious about what the differences are and where a need isn’t being met. Make sure, also, that the reason you’re placing so much emphasis on how lovely they are isn’t about downplaying you and feeling super grateful that someone would give you the time of day.

We (and others) deserve to be in mutually fulfilling relationships with love, care, trust and respect.

#emotionalbaggage #baggagereclaim #recoveringperfectionist #recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #compatibility #healthyboundaries #boundaries #relationshipquotes #selfexpression #emotionalneeds
#beingyourself #listeningtoyourself #trustyourgut #trustyourintuition ...

Sep 30

Much of the emotional baggage we’re carrying isn't our burden to bear. If you tend to blame other people’s feelings and behaviour on you not being enough or you assume that you did something wrong, these untrue stories and judgements hog your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual bandwidth. You don't have to keep giving you a hard time about not being able to control the uncontrollable.

#baggagereclaim #innerpeace #selfhealing #forgiveness #forgivenessquotes #selfforgiveness #recoveringperfectionist #recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #peoplepleasers #codependentnomore #emotionalbaggage #innerwork #selfcompassion ...

Sep 29

Check yourself before you wreck yourself. If saying yes to something means that you’re going to have to self-medicate to anaesthetise feelings of shame, resentment and powerlessness, or you’re going to have to spend weeks or even months untangling yourself in therapy, you need to say no.

#boundaries #healthyboundaries #baggagereclaim #emotionalintelligence #recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #peoplepleasernomore #overresponsible #innerchild #innerchildhealing #beingyourself #selfexpression #codependentnomore #listentoyourself #listeningtoyourbody #intuitionquotes #trustyourself #trustyourgut ...

Sep 22

A lesson I've learned time and again is that I don't have to turn everything into a measure of how ’good’ or ’perfect’ I was. Part of what turned me into a recovering people-pleaser was realising how much me using being good and trying to be perfect was about trying to control the uncontrollable. I got tired of breaking my own heart and calling it someone else’s doing.

Once you take your worth off the chopping block and recognise that you can’t Jedi mind trick everyone with your people-pleasing, you get to enjoy life and all of its flavour, including joy, by being more of who you really are. You stop taking other people’s feelings and behaviour, as well as life not always going your way, less personally.

I do a deep dive on taking things to personally in the current episode (196) of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast which is available on all podcast players. Also, link in bio.

#donttakeitpersonal #donttakeitpersonally #emotionalintelligence #baggagereclaim #healthyboundaries #selfexpression #listeningtoyourself #trustyourgut #trustyourintuition #recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #beyourself ...

Sep 21

Something that so many people struggle with is trying to figure out if something is a problem. If the actions are off, they focus on the words. If the words are off, they focus on actions that they think fit the picture of how they want things to be. Often the very thing they’re struggling with about someone else points to something they themselves are doing in another form. Like when we say that we can’t stand someone’s ambiguity but are hiding our needs and afraid to have a clear conversation. Why? Well, it suits our hidden agenda of, for example, hiding from our fear of commitment or rejection.

At the end of the day, if actions and words don’t consistently match, there’s a problem. We have to be willing to recognise and address this if our relationships are to be mutually fulfilling and our self-esteem a source of nourishment.

And much as you might focus on where someone is out of alignment, it’s as important to ensure that your actions and words take you towards who you are, not away from it. You don’t have to be perfect about it, but the more intentional you are in showing up as who you say you are and doing the things that reflect your values, the more your life feels good to and for you.

#integritymatters #integrity #corevalues #baggagereclaim #emotionalintelligence #boundaries #healthyboundaries #selfexpression #listeningtoyourself #trustyourgut #trustyourintuition #recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #beyourself #emotionalunavailability ...

Sep 18

Before I embraced saying no as part of having healthier boundaries, I used to begrudge saying it. It was as if I thought I was supposed to say yes to everything even when it would lead to pain. I was scared that saying no to something I deep down knew wasn’t right would stop me from having the fairy tale ending. I eventually learned that even though saying no might make me feel uncomfortable or disappointed in the short term, accepting it allowed me to be open to something else I could say yes to further down the line.

Be thankful that you said no. It released you from something that wasn’t in your best interests.

#gratitudeattitude #blessingsindisguise #howtosayno #boundaries #healthyboundaries #selfworth #listentoyourself #trustyourgut #trustyourintuition #baggagereclaim #recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #beyourself #selfexpression ...

Sep 16

One of the main objections I hear from people who are resistant to creating healthier boundaries and learning to say no when they need, should or want to is that they will scare ’everyone’ away. Anyone who is genuinely aggrieved by you having boundaries is someone who will, through their own boundary issues, end up mashing up your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing if you don't figure out how to manage your side of the street in the dynamic. You can't have the life, including the relationships, experiences and sense of wellbeing that reflects healthier boundaries without, well, having the boundaries.

#baggagereclaim #emotionalintelligence #recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #peoplepleasernomore #boundaries #healthyboundaries #overresponsible #innerchild #innerchildhealing #beingyourself #selfexpression #codependentnomore #listentoyourself #listeningtoyourbody #intuitionquotes #trustyourself #trustyourgut ...

Sep 14

Shame is a sign that you’ve taken on something (or a lot of things) that aren't true. And some people *want* you to feel bad so that they can continue what they’re doing or not look too closely at themselves. If someone seems to need to break you down to boost themselves or distorts your reality with their gaslighting, it’s a code red alert that this isn’t a safe person and connection.

#baggagereclaim #selflove #innercritic #shame #shameresilience #gaslightingawareness #boundaries #healthyboundaries #healthyrelationships ...

Sep 13

Happy 15th birthday to my blog Baggage Reclaim! 🎉🎉🎉🎉 Fifteen years ago, after more than a year of blogging on my personal blog, I experienced an awakening. After finishing it with Yet Another Mr Unavailable who ‘suddenly’ realised that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and also being told that I had to go on steroids for life to avoid keeling over by forty, it hit me that I’m the common denominator. I’m the only person who’s shown up to every scene, act and moment of my life. No, I’m not to blame for other people’s stuff or for what I experienced in childhood, but it hit me that I needed to consider what I was bringing to every situation. The answer: self-hate, fear of saying no, rejection, abandonment and trauma wounds, and more.

I spoke out loud on my then personal blog about the things that I thought made me weird and unlovable. Genuinely thought I was a f-up. I was inundated with messages from people saying that I was describing them. “You’re me!”

I realised that I’m not alone and decided to share my journey out loud on a site that I dedicated to helping people reclaim themselves from all the bullshit and baggage they’re carrying around. My mission from the outset was to help at least one person avoid what I had been through or help someone get out of it. I’ve done that many many times over!

Baggage Reclaim was and is a way of paying it forward. It gives a voice to every person who has felt abandoned, unlovable, unworthy and not good enough—the people-pleasers, perfectionists and overthinkers of this world who sell themselves short whether it’s in love, work, or life in general. I put words to things that so many of us think is our weirdness.

Thanks to everyone who has supported me and Baggage Reclaim. It’s the readers and listeners who make it what it is and who have enabled me to do what I love full time for almost 13 years. It hasn’t always been easy but it’s always been more than worth it. Cheers to more years ahead! 🔥🎉🙏🏾

#baggagereclaim #selfpublishing #emotionalbaggage #boundaries #selflove #selflovejourney ...

Sep 9

One of the best things you can do to reduce tension, anxiety, resentment and general ill feeling from doing what might seem like ‘good’ things at the time but for the wrong reasons, is check in with you about what’s driving your actions, thinking and choices.

Is your yes a response to who you are or a reaction to what you’re afraid of? Is it about lining up with your values or avoiding conflict, criticism, displeasing or rejection? If your yes isn’t based on who you are, you will run into problems and pain because you haven’t respected your boundaries.

Know your intentions and motivations, and let your values, not your fears, be the primary driver of how you show up and what you say yes, no and maybe to. Any time you say yes because of what you’re avoiding or due to trying to influence and control how others perceive you, you take a detour from taking care of you and the things and relationships that matter.

#emotionalintelligence #sayno #authenticself #baggagereclaim #recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #peoplepleasernomore #boundaries #healthyboundaries #overresponsible #innerchild #innerchildhealing #beingyourself #selfexpression #codependentnomore #listentoyourself #listeningtoyourbody #intuitionquotes #trustyourself #trustyourgut ...

Sep 8