Esther asks: I hold my hand up and admit that I am in love with a Mr Unavailable. I want to end things but I keep being drawn back and recently I have come to suspect that he is sleeping with my sister. I know, f*cked up or what?
My sister has always been ‘the beautiful one’ and Miss Popularity and I have had to compete with her in every area and now I suspect that she even wants my guy, even though she knows he’s no good. That’s what makes this so horrible; I have been telling her all of the assclown things he has done to me – not calling, treating me like a f*ck buddy, flirting with my friends and colleagues, disappearing, and even borrowing money from me which he never pays back. I actually dislike him, yet perversely, I’m in love with him, or maybe it’s more that I am in love with the idea of what he could be. When he’s ‘on’, I feel like the centre of his world. I have read enough posts on your blog to know that he’s not likely to change and yet…
The thing is, I’m going mostly on a hunch and the fact that I found her cardigan at his place. She says she went over there to tell him to leave me alone after yet another one of our arguments where I told him not to call me, but she seemed really edgy and couldn’t meet me in the eye, and he was the same. They’ve both professed to practically hating each other but maybe it’s sexual attraction. If he has cheated on me, it wouldn’t be the first time but this would be particularly devastating.
Should I confront her and tell her my suspicions? What should I do?
NML says: Well whatever he is up to, don’t you think he has already done more than enough to be dumped pronto? What exactly will it take for you to say ‘enough’?
Isn’t there a limit to what you are prepared to accept from this assclown or are you going to find another reason to stay?
Yes you have the issue of suspecting that your sister is shagging your ‘boyfriend’ behind your back (I’ll come back to this) but don’t lose sight of the already existing issue:
You’re dating an emotionally unavailable man. In fact, scratch that. You are dating an emotionally unavailable assclown. Not all Mr Unavailables are ‘horrible’ men, but you are with a repeat offender who has no intentions of changing and in fact, is trying to crawl as far as he can into the gutter.
He lies, he cheats, he’s an emotional and financial drain, and he is disrespectful of you, your friendships, your work relationships, and has now decided to hit the family too. He doesn’t love you, like you, and he certainly doesn’t respect you.
And you know what – you don’t love him either, it’s just that perversely, you do seem to ‘enjoy’ being treated badly.
I don’t think it is your intention or what you truly desire, but the difference between you and another woman with higher self-esteem is that they’d tell him to beat it or wouldn’t even have come within 50 paces of him. You on the other hand, stay, and the difficulty with a Mr Unavailable that hangs in Piece of Sh*t Territory is that every action is your ‘get out moment’ and instead, you stay, so he assumes that you don’t value yourself enough and continues to abuse you.
Staying at his side and forgiving his every action and pretty much taking the martyr stance is like saying, “I hate me! But I love you! Even though you don’t love me! But I’m going to make you love me and let you walk all over me!”
You don’t love him; you just want him to validate you and prove to yourself that you are just as great and lovable as your sister.
Which brings me very neatly to…
You need to ask yourself if you truly believe that your sister would do should a despicable thing to you? Bad enough when the sisterhood mistreat each other but when it’s actually your sister, it’s a horrible thing to face, but face it you must, along with your feelings about her.
Isn’t it rather convenient to believe that your sister has ‘stolen’ your man which inadvertently seems to let him off the hook as if he’s been lured in by her beauty and dazzling popularity?
I admit that it seems odd that if your sister went to tell a guy that she hates to stay away from you that she left her cardigan behind, but maybe she wasn’t wearing it and carried it with her and absent-mindedly left it behind.
Or…maybe it is what you suspect.
But…sitting around in limbo doing nothing about this is not going to change things. He’s still going to be an assclown that’s knocking off your sister and you’re still going to be the Fallback Girl who won’t let go of her no good Mr Unavailable who is letting fear, indecision, and low self-esteem hold her back.
You are right about one thing – sometimes immense dislike between the opposite sexes is sexual attraction. Just ask the woman whose friend got fingered by her Mr Unavailable in the back of the cab or the other woman whose friend practically did a lapdance on the bar for hers….
Some women, in some twisted way, think they’re even doing you a favour by finally proving what a twat he is but it’s still inexcusable and devastates your trust in them.
And don’t forget, if you’re attracted to Mr Unavailables and any of your behaviour is tied to your childhood, it’s just as possible that you both share the same shite taste in men…
There is no easy solution to this. I suggest you speak with her before you speak with him. You have to be prepared for the fact that 1) your suspicions may be correct or 2) they may be wrong. If it’s the latter, your relationship with your sister may hit a new low, however, it could be an opportunity for some honest dialogue.
In my experience, children in the same family always have ‘interesting’ perceptions of each other. Sometimes they are right, but often, the one we love to envy, envies us also.
What if she doesn’t see herself as beautiful?
What if she believes she has been lacking in other areas?
What if she believes that you are more beautiful than she is?
What I do know is that you need to deal with several issues here and no matter what happens, I wouldn’t waste another moment with this guy.
It’s not going to get easier and instead I’d focus on liking and loving yourself, seeing a counsellor if necessary. If your sister has done what you suspect, I think it’s super important to see a counsellor so that this destructive path can be changed. But don’t just sit there and wonder, do something.
If you want to understand why you’re attracted to Mr Unavailables, check out my book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.