Esther asks: I hold my hand up and admit that I am in love with a Mr Unavailable. I want to end things but I keep being drawn back and recently I have come to suspect that he is sleeping with my sister. I know, f*cked up or what?
My sister has always been ‘the beautiful one’ and Miss Popularity and I have had to compete with her in every area and now I suspect that she even wants my guy, even though she knows he’s no good. That’s what makes this so horrible; I have been telling her all of the assclown things he has done to me – not calling, treating me like a f*ck buddy, flirting with my friends and colleagues, disappearing, and even borrowing money from me which he never pays back. I actually dislike him, yet perversely, I’m in love with him, or maybe it’s more that I am in love with the idea of what he could be. When he’s ‘on’, I feel like the centre of his world. I have read enough posts on your blog to know that he’s not likely to change and yet…
The thing is, I’m going mostly on a hunch and the fact that I found her cardigan at his place. She says she went over there to tell him to leave me alone after yet another one of our arguments where I told him not to call me, but she seemed really edgy and couldn’t meet me in the eye, and he was the same. They’ve both professed to practically hating each other but maybe it’s sexual attraction. If he has cheated on me, it wouldn’t be the first time but this would be particularly devastating.
Should I confront her and tell her my suspicions? What should I do?
NML says: Well whatever he is up to, don’t you think he has already done more than enough to be dumped pronto? What exactly will it take for you to say ‘enough’?
Isn’t there a limit to what you are prepared to accept from this assclown or are you going to find another reason to stay?
Yes you have the issue of suspecting that your sister is shagging your ‘boyfriend’ behind your back (I’ll come back to this) but don’t lose sight of the already existing issue:
You’re dating an emotionally unavailable man. In fact, scratch that. You are dating an emotionally unavailable assclown. Not all Mr Unavailables are ‘horrible’ men, but you are with a repeat offender who has no intentions of changing and in fact, is trying to crawl as far as he can into the gutter.
He lies, he cheats, he’s an emotional and financial drain, and he is disrespectful of you, your friendships, your work relationships, and has now decided to hit the family too. He doesn’t love you, like you, and he certainly doesn’t respect you.
And you know what – you don’t love him either, it’s just that perversely, you do seem to ‘enjoy’ being treated badly.
I don’t think it is your intention or what you truly desire, but the difference between you and another woman with higher self-esteem is that they’d tell him to beat it or wouldn’t even have come within 50 paces of him. You on the other hand, stay, and the difficulty with a Mr Unavailable that hangs in Piece of Sh*t Territory is that every action is your ‘get out moment’ and instead, you stay, so he assumes that you don’t value yourself enough and continues to abuse you.
Staying at his side and forgiving his every action and pretty much taking the martyr stance is like saying, “I hate me! But I love you! Even though you don’t love me! But I’m going to make you love me and let you walk all over me!”
You don’t love him; you just want him to validate you and prove to yourself that you are just as great and lovable as your sister.
Which brings me very neatly to…
You need to ask yourself if you truly believe that your sister would do should a despicable thing to you? Bad enough when the sisterhood mistreat each other but when it’s actually your sister, it’s a horrible thing to face, but face it you must, along with your feelings about her.
Isn’t it rather convenient to believe that your sister has ‘stolen’ your man which inadvertently seems to let him off the hook as if he’s been lured in by her beauty and dazzling popularity?
I admit that it seems odd that if your sister went to tell a guy that she hates to stay away from you that she left her cardigan behind, but maybe she wasn’t wearing it and carried it with her and absent-mindedly left it behind.
Or…maybe it is what you suspect.
But…sitting around in limbo doing nothing about this is not going to change things. He’s still going to be an assclown that’s knocking off your sister and you’re still going to be the Fallback Girl who won’t let go of her no good Mr Unavailable who is letting fear, indecision, and low self-esteem hold her back.
You are right about one thing – sometimes immense dislike between the opposite sexes is sexual attraction. Just ask the woman whose friend got fingered by her Mr Unavailable in the back of the cab or the other woman whose friend practically did a lapdance on the bar for hers….
Some women, in some twisted way, think they’re even doing you a favour by finally proving what a twat he is but it’s still inexcusable and devastates your trust in them.
And don’t forget, if you’re attracted to Mr Unavailables and any of your behaviour is tied to your childhood, it’s just as possible that you both share the same shite taste in men…
There is no easy solution to this. I suggest you speak with her before you speak with him. You have to be prepared for the fact that 1) your suspicions may be correct or 2) they may be wrong. If it’s the latter, your relationship with your sister may hit a new low, however, it could be an opportunity for some honest dialogue.
In my experience, children in the same family always have ‘interesting’ perceptions of each other. Sometimes they are right, but often, the one we love to envy, envies us also.
What if she doesn’t see herself as beautiful?
What if she believes she has been lacking in other areas?
What if she believes that you are more beautiful than she is?
What I do know is that you need to deal with several issues here and no matter what happens, I wouldn’t waste another moment with this guy.
It’s not going to get easier and instead I’d focus on liking and loving yourself, seeing a counsellor if necessary. If your sister has done what you suspect, I think it’s super important to see a counsellor so that this destructive path can be changed. But don’t just sit there and wonder, do something.
If you want to understand why you’re attracted to Mr Unavailables, check out my book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
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Amen! I think you said it all, NML.
I have to say that reading this out loud I felt completely floored, because my life as so many others have read something like this post. I wish that I knew then what I know now. Just reading it, I said in my mind, “how could she possibly stay?” I went through a lot of these same things. It’s not till you get some sense of self-respect and esteem that you realize just how crazy something like this truly is. We just couldn’t see at the time that we deserve so much better than these losers.
I agree with honey, NML. You covered all the bases and left nothing out.
Hope this is a turning point for her, and she dumps the EUM chumop and has a heart-to-heart talk with her sister, and a counselor if necessary.
Esther, what comes to mind first is responsibility. You always have a responsibility to yourself, to protect yourself and to grow, and to find a way to accomplish that with joy. Maybe especially if you think you have flaws, or problems, or lacks, you are first and foremost responsible for yourself.
When you take a mate – which you haven’t, yet, at least not with this bum – part of the ‘commitment’ thing is that you take on responsibility to be a partner, to take on partial responsibility for his growth and health and joy. The reason that you do this, is because giving him joy is what gives you joy. Note that I do mean joy, and not humor. Humor, what we call funny, is about humiliation and pain. Joy on the other hand is about delight, about brightening our day with a gorgeous sunset, with the sight of a flower, or a friend. Your mate will be finding the same delight in life when you find happiness. Look for ‘joyful’ and content, not ‘sense of humor’.
See, this guy is on a perpetual date. He has no interest in anything beyond the time you spend together, he isn’t about to blend lives into a family with you or anyone. And you have been living a perpetual date, too. You let your body’s excitement over sexual stimulation, your physical craving for emotional validation, drag you into a bad habit – of closeness with an unsatisfactory date. A date – a casual social event meant to pass the time. Not a partner, not a mate, a simple, casual, inappropriately intimate date.
Despite the sex and excitement when he is ‘on’, you have to end this *bad* date. Take your jollies into your own hands, and *stop* hanging with dating people. The last thing you need after this bum is what you are most likely to do – date another bum with just as shoddy a character as this bum, because you will most likely look in the same places you found this street trash. Find a counselor, find out what ‘good character’ can mean in your life and in the people you choose to spend time with (hang with good people, so if someone seems interesting, at least he won’t be *guaranteed* to be deceptive, manipulative, and disrespectful – *never* talk to anyone where they serve alcohol, that you didn’t arrive with).. Find a counselor to help you find happiness in living for yourself, first, and what it means to be responsible for your safety, health, and happiness.
About your sister. I wouldn’t say anything. Ever. Let it go – it is better not to know, and forget you ever cared. Let the guy go. Either a) they will get together, in which case they deserve each other; or b) they never got together, and your sister may not be the monster you fear her to be.
Just like the bum you are about to drop with the No Contact Rule, you have already said everything to your sister that she is ever likely to hear from you. You have to stop meddling, and stop nagging. Start respecting your self, and your sister, by *not* nagging or repeating warnings, or accusing.
Note – if you resent what your sister might have done, and *cannot* let it go, then talk to your sister – she is the only one that you still have ties to. Don’t accuse her of stealing your guy – he was never your guy, ever, even though you thought he was – don’t accuse her of competing with you, don’t ‘give’ her permission to pursue him – you have no ties to him, and no right to ‘protect’ your sister, after describing how he treated you. In the future, if she finds him as harmful as you have, she will treasure your support in recovering. There *is* no joy in this thing, anywhere. And if you can face yourself, admit that the bum cheated on you and who he did it with is secondary to that major, ultimate problem – he is disrespectful to you.
Every moment you spend with him validates and gives him permission to keep messing around. Even if you are chewing him out, or hearing his excuses and pleas and promises, if you are there, he is winning and he will continue. Just how many women do you want to sleep with, second hand? This isn’t grade school, or high school, it isn’t cute, or ‘boys will be boys’.
He harms you by being near you, by being in your thoughts. You will never heal, and you will never find a better guy while this bum is around. Don’t let this bum define who you are.
Yikes! I don’t even know what to say! Good call NML! That girl needs to run…run like the wind!
OUCH!! I can somewhat identify but the guy didn’t get with my sister. I broke off with him a year ago though still not healed yet. Thing I am stuck on is I see him being nice to other people. He was a sh!thead to me and I have a real hard time watching him treat other women well. That’s how it APPEARS on the surface anyway – I doubt he has made any real changes.
We live in small town so I can’t get away from him completely. Drives me insane…. I did nothing to deserve his disrepest except tolerate it and had way too much patience and forgiveness with him. I should have never gotten involved. There were red flags which I ignored because the sexual attraction was so strong. I run myself in circles wondering about this. I was NICE. Probably almost doormat nice but found enough dignity to pull my head out of my own a$$ a year ago and walk away. Emotionally I am still attached and wounded. I keep telling myself I didn’t deserve to be treated that way… but the next thing that pops into my head is “Why can he be nice to other people but he couldn’t to me?” and the answer doesn’t matter. It’s over, it’s done. It is ME that has to heal, grow a spine, and forget all about him.
Brad K. – I love your advice. So right on. I save chunks of many of these colums in a note file and re-read when I’m making myself crazy and over-thinking and going on and on with “WHY WHY WHY?”
Thanks everyone.
Kim2, thanks (blushes).
I have observed that many families aren’t kind to each other, and I wonder if that isn’t what you are seeing. He may have been taught, by example and through ignorance, to treat strangers and those outside the home with courtesy, but never saw courtesy applied within the family. I would look at his parents, his siblings, and see how they interact – some families can be quite brutal and shockingly horrible with each other. His mother was likely one of those ‘boys will be boys!’ undisciplined types that keep training up the monsters that clutter our relationship landscape. His father was likely the role model for both him and his mother about how to behave in public and in the family.
And I think you named your own answer to how it happened with you – you tolerated, gave permission, to his acts of disrespect and discourtesy. This probably made him comfortable – Just like Mom! – but led directly to failing to ever connect with you.
Because you were lying to him the whole time. At the same time you let him get away with bad behavior, you still knew it was wrong – deceit through inaction. you let him think his behavior was acceptable to you, while you concealed your hurt and your knowledge that his behavior was discourteous and disrespectful. You won’t respect him when he always gets it wrong, when he keeps making the same mistakes. You didn’t get help to resolve his behavior or your response – until now! lol!
In a perverse way, you might feel that he gifted you by feeling you were part of his family. His politeness to others means he doesn’t feel close to them. Ugh! I cringe just thinking of twists like this.
Through him I have learned what a narcissist is. For so long I wondered what was going on. Always confused because he’d be hot/cold and made out like it was my fault. Finally I found some literature on narcissism and realized that is what he is. Games, always chasing other women, no real attachment or intimacy. Sex to them is purely for physical pleasure and nothing to do with bonding. He is always “selling” himself to various women and in various stages of the sales pitch. Now that I have started to realize what he really is I can start to get over blaming myself and wondering why he’s chasing Lady X and what is wrong with me that he can’t be happy with just me. A narcissist will never be happy with any woman. He will always be putting on a show and playing around.