Denise asks: I need some advice. I’m so fed up. I’ve been with my partner for almost seven years. He puts me down all the time, has come on to my so-called mate, fingering her in the back of a taxi ( the driver told me). I got rid of him, but he came back, and, like a fool, I took him back, but he never admits anything.

Things I have told him in private, he tells my mates and shows me up in front of them. He drinks a lot in the pub all the time from work, drinks two bottles of wine every night, and hardly ever takes me out any more.

He keeps saying he loves me but I say “You don’t. You would not treat me like this if you did. This is not love”. Oh, and he told me he loved within the first week of us meeting. He flirts with every girl he sees, even my sons’ girlfriends, and they fall for it and flirt back behind my son’s back. What I really don’t understand is why people/friends don’t stand by me? It’s like they all fall for him and hurt me. I feel I am on my own and feel like doing away with myself. I told him to go loads of times. Please help. I’m so unhappy.


I am open mouthed! He fingered your friend in the back of a taxi and you took him back? OK, first of all, your friend isn’t your friend. They have no self-respect, and they don’t respect you. Unfortunately, when you are being betrayed from all angles, it can leave you feeling powerless.

I think that you are a bit blindsided by not just his behaviour but your friends. It’s as if it’s all a signal that says if everyone is mistreating you, you must be worthy of it. To be clear, you’re not. Your worthiness isn’t to blame. You’ve surrounded yourself with shady people and are enabling their behaviour by letting them off the hook by seemingly accepting their actions.

Let’s be real about him:
  • He puts you down all the time. Belittling you to boost himself, he also manages your self esteem down to nothing.
  • He comes on to your friends. This screams ‘I have no respect for you or your friendships. I want to belittle you to them as well.
  • He fingers your friend in the back of a taxi. That is a disgusting thing to do. Full stop. The taxi driver was trying to do you a favour by telling you. This was a get out moment.
  • You took him back. He believes that you place no value on yourself and by taking him back, he realises that he can do as he likes with your friends because you have accepted his behaviour.
  • He repeats what you say to him. It doesn’t matter what you are saying, he has no respect, no boundaries, and is again belittling your friendships.
  • He drinks like a fish. Two bottles of wine a night is not normal. Drinking himself into oblivion shows that he has alcohol issues and is disrespecting himself. Who knows what or who he is trying to escape with all of that booze, but you come behind the booze and drinking absolves him of any responsibility for his actions.
  • He says he loves you. Just reading what he has done recently shows he doesn’t. He loves you as much as a drunken pisshead disrespectful no good behind your back fingering assclown could.
  • He hardly ever takes you out. Why take out someone you don’t value unless you want to humiliate them again and again?
  • He flirts with everyone. Yes because one woman is not enough. He’s an attention whore and stretching his disrespect to other people you care about.
Your friends:

Get fingered in the back of taxis by this chump. This isn’t friendship.

Flirt with him. Attention seekers.

Encourage him to repeat your private discussions. The hierarchy of friendship has been established. He has belittled your friendships to the point where you can’t trust them and they probably don’t trust you.

Your friends don’t stand by you because they don’t respect themselves, or you, or your friendships.

It’s dicks before chicks for this lot, and they have their own issues. I don’t know how long you’ve known these people, but the reality is that he’s treated you badly for seven years, and who knows what other boundaries he has crossed? This isn’t about you. Your friends are in a cycle of mistreating those around them. They place more value on their interactions with men.

You can’t change him.

He is who he is. If you think loving the crap out of a man that treats you like crap will yield positive results, think again. He is not going change with you at his side and he the only way he could deal with his problems, if he wanted to, is of his own accord.

There is no point in telling him to go; you need to go.

When men like this are given the choice, they never do the right thing… for you. They do the right thing for their ego. They do what’s ‘easy’. Telling men to go if they’re not going to treat you right is a waste of space. Most shady guys are too scared or disconnected to even see their actions as they really are.

You need to deal with your own issues about why you want to be with a man like this. because you can’t like yourself very much if you want to be with him. It’s like hating yourself, and you’re validating you based on his actions and those of your friends. But your value will go up ten fold when you learn to disassociate yourself from inappropriate people that seek to break you down.

It is not an overnight thing, but you need to commit to yourself and getting out. If him fingering your friend isn’t enough to turn you off, what is? I know it is hard, and I know your leaving him is also tied up in your friends. Better to be alone with your self respect and the opportunity to heal and move forward than alone with an assclown and friends like the ones you have, because you are alone now.

It is never too late. Don’t throw yourself away believing that you are nothing.

You can start over. Whatever pain you think you will experience, rest assured, it will be short term. You will feel crappy initially but it passes. If you stick to your guns, you will realise you feel better off without him. But I suggest that you see a counsellor (without his knowledge) to discuss what has been happening so that you can prepare yourself to walk away. But do walk.

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