It’s back to the topic of friendship in this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. I delve into the subject of expectations and friendship because unmet expectations are the source of much pain, frustration, resentment and, at times, unhealthy friendship. It’s not that we shouldn’t have expectations but what we do need to ask ourselves is why we have the particular expectations that we do of that friendship and whether the way in which we’re going about trying to have them met is helpful or harmful.
Some nuggets from the episode:
Examples of some of the expectations that people have in friendships that become a rule or an obligation include:
A friend should never let us down. A friend should always agree with us. A friend should always be there. A friend shouldn’t have boundaries (or have ‘too many’ that cause us to feel uncomfortable). A friend should take your side. A friend should boost our self-esteem. A friend should want to talk about whatever’s going on with them (when they have a problem). A friend should let us support them if there’s something going on in their life. A friend should call/text X times a week/month or respond within a certain time frame. A friend should be like us and shouldn’t change too much.
“The difficulty with having this sense of obligation about what people should or should not do is that consciously or not, you’re going to put that rule to the test. For example, if you have this rule that a friend should always agree with you, whether it’s consciously or not, you’re going to place yourself and them in situations that put that rule to the test. You’ll get to validate yourself and be like, ‘Oh, look, they’re agreeing with me again’, or you get to validate something negative about you.”
A lot of the stringent rules that we have, especially the ones we remind ourselves of when we’re not particularly happy in a friendship, are the result of painful past experiences. We’ve created the rule to protect us from being hurt again in future. It’s like, “This is the rule about what a friend should do, and if a friend abides by that rule, then I know that they’re a friend and I can say “I am safe and I won’t be hurt”. And if they don’t abide by that rule, then I know that I need to go into my defence mechanism and protect myself.
It’s not that expectations are ‘bad’; it’s that when we’re focused on us, we’re not hearing or seeing the person.
It’s not wrong for us to expect to be treated with love, care, trust and respect within our friendship. But if we don’t choose the right relationships, and if we within our friendships are not being a good friend to ourselves first and foremost, but also, if we are behaving in ways that lower our self-esteem, we’re doing ourselves a disservice and it’s wrong for us to have the expectations that we do.
In the process of being a good friend to someone who isn’t a good friend to you, you’ve not been a good friend to yourself.
“When we have a big focus on expectations, it’s because we’re more comfortable having expectations than we are in having boundaries.”
Any expectations need to be specific to the relationship and based on who that person is.1. Why do I have this expectation? 2. What happened in the past that I felt the need to create this rule and protect myself? 3. No matter how benign my rule appears to be, how is it hurting me or damaging the friendship? e.g. A friend should… Also, what do you feel that breaking the rule allows you to do? e.g. If you believe that a friend should never let you down, what do you feel that you have the right to say or do as a result? 4. Are all the things that you do to follow the rule in yours or the friendship’s interest? e.g. giving up good friendships to take the side of someone who isn’t a good friend. 5. What’s your threshold for friendship? What does it take for you to call someone a friend?
Links mentioned
Last week’s episode where I panicked about being late and talked about listening to our intuition
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Well I don’t set rules in friendships but I do enforce my boundaries if they aren’t a good friend to me. Strike 1 and I will back off and re-evaluate. Strike 2 being a repeat of 1 or worse and I’m out. If strike 1 is a deal breaker then I am out and there is no strike 2. Yes I have lost friends but to be honest they weren’t people who were friends, just people using me and taking advantage of my kind nature so no loss. I have found it is better to be alone that in an unhappy situation.
NATALIE
on 25/09/2018 at 5:15 pm
Everyone has limits, and that’s no bad thing as plenty of people don’t recognise their limits and suffer through painful relationships at the expense of more fulfilling ones. The key is to be aware of what constitutes not being a “good friend” so that there’s clear awareness of where you draw a line rather than it being, for instance, about the person not living up to an idealised version of the friendship. What’s great is that you’ve recognised that there’s a pattern — being used and taken advantage of — and so you can use that intel to enter into friendships differently so that those types of people can’t get in with you in future. Part of that will come from your increased self-worth and better boundaries as you won’t engage in anything that opens you up to being used in exchange for friendship.
Would be interested to know what you think regarding friends who you thought were good friends and then “peace out” on you when something tragic happens — i.e., a cancer diagnosis, the shutting down of a 12-year old blog. These are good friends, take it from me, but they only seem to be there when the good times roll – aka, fairweather friends for the 21st century.
Feisty
on 24/09/2018 at 4:15 pm
Been there the good weather types. I had one friend who ghosted me, honestly a man couldn’t have matched her. A slow long fade out. I wrote to her and ended what had become an only an acquaintance in a pleasant way on her terms. We were like sisters but she took time to unfold and what she reverted to was a selfish, bitter woman very EU. No loss and you may need to bin those ones who aren’t there through thick and thin as they will constantly let you down as I was. I recall on one occasion when I suggested meeting up the response was could do. Now I would say well you don’t sound enthusiastic it is yes or no. Then I was ill and didn’t have the energy to deal with her but I’ve found my voice since then!
NATALIE
on 25/09/2018 at 5:07 pm
“honestly a man couldn’t have matched her.” I couldn’t help but giggle.
NATALIE
on 25/09/2018 at 5:10 pm
I think that some people aren’t comfortable with anything that appears to require a lot of them emotionally. It’s like when I hear from people whose partners did a bunk when they lost a parent or had a cancer diagnosis. Sure, for some, it’s about not being able to handle you being the centre of attention, but for others, they can’t handle the intimacy (being needed, seeing your emotions and struggle) and for others, these situations bring up uncomfortable feelings around loss, change etc.
A
on 25/09/2018 at 9:41 pm
I went on a trip with a friend recently. We’ve travelled together before and it’s gone well, but she was quite rude to me on this trip a number of different times. For example, deliberately ignoring me when I asked her about something (staring at her phone), and when I said something about it, responding with a flat “oh were you talking to me?” (when no one else was there), and when I was like…..really, no one else is here, who would I be talking to: “I thought you were still talking about X” (Oh….so you just decided to ignore me). Not that it matters, but it wasn’t something I’d been going on and on about, and it was actually a question that she had an answer to and that I needed to ask.
She was intermittently snapping at me and being passive aggressive (she seemed annoyed that we had moved hotels, even though she had agreed to it). I finally said that it seemed like she was upset and so maybe we should talk about it. That was met with “What, I’m not saying anything about YOU, I guess I can’t say anything then!” She had also complained all morning about vaguely being tired and wanting to sit in the shade or something. My thoughts: sure, do you! But it’s my last day of vacation and I’m going to go do something. When I suggested that I go off to do some things then so she could rest and she could message me when she was ready, it was met with “oh so you want me to deal with the Airbnb guy on my own then?” (on the off chance he actually called early…..which he was clearly not going to do).
She’s had a few close friends lately where she describes how that person suddenly got mad at her for no reason and the friendship ended…..I suspect I see now what’s been happening.
We had some good moments on the trip too, but I don’t know how to say….”you were quite rude to me and I’m upset about it”. I suspect saying this would effectively end the friendship.
She sent me one message after the trip, about nothing in particular and acting like all was well. When I didn’t respond the same day, she sent a sad face emoji and asked if everything was ok (note: she basically never responds to me in a timely manner, and I’m always having to follow up if we’re planning something). That was also mildly annoying to me – if you’re someone who never gets back to me in a timely manner, are you really going to call me out for not responding ASAP?
After this trip I’ve also been reflecting on the fact that she has disappointed me a number of times, and doesn’t really make an effort to keep in touch – I’m doing most of the work. If I ask her to do something and she doesn’t want to, rather than decline she’ll just blank me. I’ve tried to justify that it’s hard for her to say no, but I find it to be rude.
I know I’m not perfect, but the way she spoke to me a number of times on this trip was so out of line…..and the fact that it happened on different days/times makes it even harder for me to let go. I’m questioning whether this is a “people will always disappoint you” situation that I should try to resolve, or whether she may just not be such a kind person after all….
Feisty
on 30/09/2018 at 4:33 pm
Go no contact this doesn’t just apply to men. You could always draw the line in the sand with her as she isn’t investing in the friendship by the sounds of it. She will cause you more grief and as you keep engaging with her, she knows she can bust your boundaries any time as she isn’t being called out on her behaviour. She is pushing the limits with you.
Amy
on 03/10/2018 at 10:30 am
I have these expectations as well but in my case its targeted towards my husband. I expect him to always support me and understand me. I wish there was something i could do about it. Ive always had high expectations of him but before we got married it was less or different. Then boom we got married in March this year and he seems to be fallen short in my eyes. I feel bad as he is over all a good husband but i cant seem to be satisfied….
Vivi
on 06/10/2018 at 12:46 am
A pattern keep coming up for me: my friends are lovely and caring people but they aren’t really available… Two of them I don’t hear from unless I contact them and arrange to do something.
My best friend is living far away and she just became a mum so, obviously, she has a lot on her plate! Even before the baby, when she is having a tough time , she switches off so, if I am also having a tough time, she won’t have a mind state for calls. She prefers texts , for important things I like to talk!
At least I weeded out all the “ Friends “ who were pushy and disrespectful. I can see progress but the unavailability pattern is still here: I know where it cones from and understand why it’s so strong in my life!
I don’t expect my friends to always be available at a drop of a hat but, sometimes I’m too tired to reach out so I don’t hear from them…
LadyMosquito
on 20/10/2018 at 7:36 am
@Vivi, I’m also the type of friend who switches off when having a bad time and may seen to disappear when there are too many things going on becuase I just cant handle it but I love my friends, I just hope that they will understand. But it looks like you might need a couple of more new friends who are more active??
It happens to me too that my friends with kids or marriages are not available like I am, but it makes Sense because I have a lot of free time, so I basically looked for friends who are in the same situation by looking for people to share activities I wanted to do. My single guys and gals are more available and willing to do stuff.
For me there was this intense and full of energy new friend I made last year, it was a lot of fun and really great. I knew our frienship limitations: she is super outspoken and extrovert and she really likes to be the center and you have to struggle to be able to just speak while I’m introverted and calm and happier being in quiet environments. I think that we were working it out but from time to time she was getting mad at me because she wanted me to have availability at any time. For example, I could be at work and then had a message saying “coffee now at X”. Or after asking her out for some plans and she not replying, I was making my plans with other people and then have a nice time, go home and check my phone and see that four hours ago he had texted me something like “Chinese food, entering the restaurant. Dont let this lonely woman eat alone”.
I told her everytime that I cant be available instantly but we can make some plans instead and everytime that I told her she disappeared and stopped replying to me for a week or so.
We got to a point when she was doing a lot of activities with other people and I was jelous but I understood.
We made some plans to go out and she just didnt show up, this happened twice. Then I left on vacacion with another friend and then she sent one of her messages to meet almost instantly. I told her that I was on holidays and she replied: “o, wow, surprise”. So I asked her if she wanted to do something the following weekend. She said yes. That weekend she disappeared, I could not reached over phone or texts. Then after one week she replied to my messages like nothing had happened.
I asked her what had happened, she was like she didnt understand anything, I insisted “we were going to meet, then I could not contact you, what happened? I was worried” and she replied “oh, that happened?”. And then she said that she was going to perforam in an open mic and that she wanted me to go and show support with all of her friends there.
I couldnt believe it so I told her that I was feeling for some time that she was only reaching out of me when she wanted something like an audience or she wanted me to drop anything and meet her – she didnt reply for a few days.
I saw her on facebook speaking with other people, then she reached out to me and she said that she couldnt reply earlier because she didnt have internet access.
I said: “but I saw your comments of Facebook. You have been writing all these days” then she said “…ah, yes but I had Internet only on my phone, I wanted to reply to you with my laptop”.
…come on.
So I said “listen, it has taken me a lot of time to realize that you dont value me as a person, you only want me there when you want something from me.” And she replied that of course she wanted me to be an audience for her shows but that she would try to be a better friend because if she wanted me to get something from me she had to give me something that I wanted too, she said “all relationships are conditional”. I said that we had very different ideas of friendships and that we were incompatible and she replied “ok then if you want something you can always contact me. Bye.” And I never knew from her again.
🙁
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Well I don’t set rules in friendships but I do enforce my boundaries if they aren’t a good friend to me. Strike 1 and I will back off and re-evaluate. Strike 2 being a repeat of 1 or worse and I’m out. If strike 1 is a deal breaker then I am out and there is no strike 2. Yes I have lost friends but to be honest they weren’t people who were friends, just people using me and taking advantage of my kind nature so no loss. I have found it is better to be alone that in an unhappy situation.
Everyone has limits, and that’s no bad thing as plenty of people don’t recognise their limits and suffer through painful relationships at the expense of more fulfilling ones. The key is to be aware of what constitutes not being a “good friend” so that there’s clear awareness of where you draw a line rather than it being, for instance, about the person not living up to an idealised version of the friendship. What’s great is that you’ve recognised that there’s a pattern — being used and taken advantage of — and so you can use that intel to enter into friendships differently so that those types of people can’t get in with you in future. Part of that will come from your increased self-worth and better boundaries as you won’t engage in anything that opens you up to being used in exchange for friendship.
Would be interested to know what you think regarding friends who you thought were good friends and then “peace out” on you when something tragic happens — i.e., a cancer diagnosis, the shutting down of a 12-year old blog. These are good friends, take it from me, but they only seem to be there when the good times roll – aka, fairweather friends for the 21st century.
Been there the good weather types. I had one friend who ghosted me, honestly a man couldn’t have matched her. A slow long fade out. I wrote to her and ended what had become an only an acquaintance in a pleasant way on her terms. We were like sisters but she took time to unfold and what she reverted to was a selfish, bitter woman very EU. No loss and you may need to bin those ones who aren’t there through thick and thin as they will constantly let you down as I was. I recall on one occasion when I suggested meeting up the response was could do. Now I would say well you don’t sound enthusiastic it is yes or no. Then I was ill and didn’t have the energy to deal with her but I’ve found my voice since then!
“honestly a man couldn’t have matched her.” I couldn’t help but giggle.
I think that some people aren’t comfortable with anything that appears to require a lot of them emotionally. It’s like when I hear from people whose partners did a bunk when they lost a parent or had a cancer diagnosis. Sure, for some, it’s about not being able to handle you being the centre of attention, but for others, they can’t handle the intimacy (being needed, seeing your emotions and struggle) and for others, these situations bring up uncomfortable feelings around loss, change etc.
I went on a trip with a friend recently. We’ve travelled together before and it’s gone well, but she was quite rude to me on this trip a number of different times. For example, deliberately ignoring me when I asked her about something (staring at her phone), and when I said something about it, responding with a flat “oh were you talking to me?” (when no one else was there), and when I was like…..really, no one else is here, who would I be talking to: “I thought you were still talking about X” (Oh….so you just decided to ignore me). Not that it matters, but it wasn’t something I’d been going on and on about, and it was actually a question that she had an answer to and that I needed to ask.
She was intermittently snapping at me and being passive aggressive (she seemed annoyed that we had moved hotels, even though she had agreed to it). I finally said that it seemed like she was upset and so maybe we should talk about it. That was met with “What, I’m not saying anything about YOU, I guess I can’t say anything then!” She had also complained all morning about vaguely being tired and wanting to sit in the shade or something. My thoughts: sure, do you! But it’s my last day of vacation and I’m going to go do something. When I suggested that I go off to do some things then so she could rest and she could message me when she was ready, it was met with “oh so you want me to deal with the Airbnb guy on my own then?” (on the off chance he actually called early…..which he was clearly not going to do).
She’s had a few close friends lately where she describes how that person suddenly got mad at her for no reason and the friendship ended…..I suspect I see now what’s been happening.
We had some good moments on the trip too, but I don’t know how to say….”you were quite rude to me and I’m upset about it”. I suspect saying this would effectively end the friendship.
She sent me one message after the trip, about nothing in particular and acting like all was well. When I didn’t respond the same day, she sent a sad face emoji and asked if everything was ok (note: she basically never responds to me in a timely manner, and I’m always having to follow up if we’re planning something). That was also mildly annoying to me – if you’re someone who never gets back to me in a timely manner, are you really going to call me out for not responding ASAP?
After this trip I’ve also been reflecting on the fact that she has disappointed me a number of times, and doesn’t really make an effort to keep in touch – I’m doing most of the work. If I ask her to do something and she doesn’t want to, rather than decline she’ll just blank me. I’ve tried to justify that it’s hard for her to say no, but I find it to be rude.
I know I’m not perfect, but the way she spoke to me a number of times on this trip was so out of line…..and the fact that it happened on different days/times makes it even harder for me to let go. I’m questioning whether this is a “people will always disappoint you” situation that I should try to resolve, or whether she may just not be such a kind person after all….
Go no contact this doesn’t just apply to men. You could always draw the line in the sand with her as she isn’t investing in the friendship by the sounds of it. She will cause you more grief and as you keep engaging with her, she knows she can bust your boundaries any time as she isn’t being called out on her behaviour. She is pushing the limits with you.
I have these expectations as well but in my case its targeted towards my husband. I expect him to always support me and understand me. I wish there was something i could do about it. Ive always had high expectations of him but before we got married it was less or different. Then boom we got married in March this year and he seems to be fallen short in my eyes. I feel bad as he is over all a good husband but i cant seem to be satisfied….
A pattern keep coming up for me: my friends are lovely and caring people but they aren’t really available… Two of them I don’t hear from unless I contact them and arrange to do something.
My best friend is living far away and she just became a mum so, obviously, she has a lot on her plate! Even before the baby, when she is having a tough time , she switches off so, if I am also having a tough time, she won’t have a mind state for calls. She prefers texts , for important things I like to talk!
At least I weeded out all the “ Friends “ who were pushy and disrespectful. I can see progress but the unavailability pattern is still here: I know where it cones from and understand why it’s so strong in my life!
I don’t expect my friends to always be available at a drop of a hat but, sometimes I’m too tired to reach out so I don’t hear from them…
@Vivi, I’m also the type of friend who switches off when having a bad time and may seen to disappear when there are too many things going on becuase I just cant handle it but I love my friends, I just hope that they will understand. But it looks like you might need a couple of more new friends who are more active??
It happens to me too that my friends with kids or marriages are not available like I am, but it makes Sense because I have a lot of free time, so I basically looked for friends who are in the same situation by looking for people to share activities I wanted to do. My single guys and gals are more available and willing to do stuff.
For me there was this intense and full of energy new friend I made last year, it was a lot of fun and really great. I knew our frienship limitations: she is super outspoken and extrovert and she really likes to be the center and you have to struggle to be able to just speak while I’m introverted and calm and happier being in quiet environments. I think that we were working it out but from time to time she was getting mad at me because she wanted me to have availability at any time. For example, I could be at work and then had a message saying “coffee now at X”. Or after asking her out for some plans and she not replying, I was making my plans with other people and then have a nice time, go home and check my phone and see that four hours ago he had texted me something like “Chinese food, entering the restaurant. Dont let this lonely woman eat alone”.
I told her everytime that I cant be available instantly but we can make some plans instead and everytime that I told her she disappeared and stopped replying to me for a week or so.
We got to a point when she was doing a lot of activities with other people and I was jelous but I understood.
We made some plans to go out and she just didnt show up, this happened twice. Then I left on vacacion with another friend and then she sent one of her messages to meet almost instantly. I told her that I was on holidays and she replied: “o, wow, surprise”. So I asked her if she wanted to do something the following weekend. She said yes. That weekend she disappeared, I could not reached over phone or texts. Then after one week she replied to my messages like nothing had happened.
I asked her what had happened, she was like she didnt understand anything, I insisted “we were going to meet, then I could not contact you, what happened? I was worried” and she replied “oh, that happened?”. And then she said that she was going to perforam in an open mic and that she wanted me to go and show support with all of her friends there.
I couldnt believe it so I told her that I was feeling for some time that she was only reaching out of me when she wanted something like an audience or she wanted me to drop anything and meet her – she didnt reply for a few days.
I saw her on facebook speaking with other people, then she reached out to me and she said that she couldnt reply earlier because she didnt have internet access.
I said: “but I saw your comments of Facebook. You have been writing all these days” then she said “…ah, yes but I had Internet only on my phone, I wanted to reply to you with my laptop”.
…come on.
So I said “listen, it has taken me a lot of time to realize that you dont value me as a person, you only want me there when you want something from me.” And she replied that of course she wanted me to be an audience for her shows but that she would try to be a better friend because if she wanted me to get something from me she had to give me something that I wanted too, she said “all relationships are conditional”. I said that we had very different ideas of friendships and that we were incompatible and she replied “ok then if you want something you can always contact me. Bye.” And I never knew from her again.
🙁