It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.
In episode 32, I get into:
Deal-breakers: When we’re not attracted to somebody, we can often find umpteen reasons to make our exit (unless we’re the type that feels guilty for not being attracted but that’s a whole other show) but what we really need to know is that we have our back regardless of whatever attraction and chemistry we think that we’re experiencing. We need to know that there are certain things that we draw our line at.
Are you actually responsible for something? I explain a quick way of figuring out whether you’re trying to ‘fix’ or change something that you’re not responsible for.
Listener Question: What’s the difference between expectations and boundaries? The 30-day project I mention is Embrace Healthy Boundaries. Use the code PODCAST to get 30% off until 27th June 2016.
What I Learned This Week: We’ve had to make big decisions here at home involving the kids and it hasn’t gone down to well with madame Nia. I share what I learned from a funny moment with her where I realised that I had to stop stressing about distressing her.
NB** I made an error at the end of the show and said that the course could be found at baggagereclaim.co.uk/boundaries but it’s actually baggagereclaim.co.uk/happyboundaries
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Nat xxx
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WOW Nat! All of your stuff is insightful, but this podcast I think especially so. You took some common ideas and analyzed them in a very uncommon way. that really helped me.
100% gonna try out your suggestions.
Something else that’s helped me in the past, when I get into a downward spiral (which I am going to do again, be damned if my roommate thinks it’s funny! Ha.) Is literally writing down a little poster with “positive phrases” telling me to keep going! You can do it! Everything’s going to be okay! You’ll get through this, you’re a fighter! etc.
I mean it sounds super dumb, but it is actually really helpful for me. I’ve suffered from suicidal panic attacks since high school, and the ONLY thing that helps me out of them is either talking to someone/calling a crisis line, or knocking myself out with Rx drugs (given to me by the doctor o’course).
By writing down these phrases in advance when I am in a sane state of mind and hanging them on my wall, it helps me prevent a panic attack. I look at them and it “jolts” me back into a more positive mindset.
Maybe someone else will find this useful. All of the “physical” advice therapists give you to get out of panic attacks never ever help me (take a shower, do yoga, meditate, etc whatever) because my panic attacks are THOUGHT based. But for some reason this works well.
Thank you!
I suffer from panic attacks too and sure will try it!
Hope it helps Blue! But a very important disclaimer: if you have panic attacks as bad as mine, this poster probably won’t help when you’re in the thick of it. It will help, hopefully, you to prevent yourself from getting there.
I am going to put mine on the ceiling over the couch I’m sleeping on so that I see it first thing when I wake up!
Another thing I am going to do is tape a bunch of pictures of cute baby animals on the ceiling around it. Sounds weird but i had my blood taken and the doc had me watch baby animal videos to help me not faint (I faint a lot and get super distressed during blood draws). It totally helped weirdly enough!!!
Dear C,
THANK YOU!
I have really bad panic attacks from time to time and I will try everything you suggested!
Wish you all the best!
I can be an eye-roller at positivity or gratitude when I feel like it comes with denial of things that need to be challenged or changed. But there’s no denial in the world of BR! I heard something recently that I find very true, that we either build on our successes or failures. I’ve built on my failures in relationships, which is easily done when society would see me this way and I’ve made so many mistakes. Yet I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a sense that I’ve changed the script and got off a destructive path, and that is something to build on, instead of the feelings of failure and rejection that come from the dating world. I’ve learned from my mistakes and will now quit something harmful, no matter how much it hurts. I forgive and have compassion for others and myself, which took a long time. I’ve grown and developed in ways that may not have been possible within a relationship, certainly not an unhealthy one. I’m still capable of being vulnerable, which I’m also very thankful for.
happy b,
You’re spot on about “I’ve built on my failures in relationships, which is easily done when society would see me this way and I’ve made so many mistakes.”
Aside from the fact that I’m 32 and yet to experience anything remotely resembling a normal / long-term relationship, I do tend to beat myself up a lot and feel a deep sense of shame / anxiety / worthlessness about my inability to do what everyone else in society does so easily. This feeling of inadequacy has been so bad, that I actually avoid seeing / speaking to certain friends and family because I feel like a massive failure with nothing of worth to add to a conversation.
I’m nowhere near as bad as I was 3-4 years ago – which I desperately try to hold onto as a positive thing (my depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts have been well managed), but every so often (usually after a crappy date or realising that someone has disappointed me again), I find myself in a funky state.
I know it’s not the best coping mechanism, but I find my use of marijuana has probably tripled in the last year or so. It’s the only thing that helps me to shut-up the constant inner dialogue and ruminations – plus it sends me off to sleep. I know it’s an avoidance tactic, but I’m not feeling strong enough to cope with the highs and lows of life on my own right now.
I’m so glad that you’re able to see the positive side of things (especially whilst dating), and would love to know what techniques you employ during times when you do feel down. I need to find better ways to cope with life.
Rachel,
I’m older than you and have similarly had nothing resembling a normal/long term relationship. The only close thing, that I try to build on as something functional, caring and respectful, with no co-dependency or form of abuse, was more than 20 years ago and short-lived, and we were high as a kite most of the time!
I understand about avoiding people. I have one relative who I get anxious about seeing because he gets on my case, and has said stuff like I’ll now have to take on a divorcee with kids (which I don’t mind at all in principle, but it’s just not true in the 21st century). But last time I saw him and he asked the inevitable, I told him that men keep showing up in expensive lycra in their dating profiles, which turns me off no matter how fit they are – while I expected him to tell me I’m too picky, he and his partner completely understood and said lycra is the new speedos, which had us in hysterics!
While I’ve been in a harem/ dysfunctional relationships for most of the time, it’s not long that I’ve been genuinely ‘putting myself out there’ and I think this pacifies people. I saw it when a close friend was telling me her concerns about a single friend who she worries about because she seemed stuck. She clearly didn’t see me in the same way, and I think it’s because I don’t believe I’m stuck. I project optimism and enjoyment of life, single or not.
I’m sceptical about marijuana shutting up the constant inner dialogue. My experience, and I used to be a pretty heavy user, is the opposite. When I quit, I felt like I’d emerged from a dark, introverted tunnel into the daylight. I felt lightness and no longer like every single feeling and anxiety was magnified beyond comprehension. Maybe it was just my experience, but I think it’s causing your ruminations and sleeplessness, not helping with them. The good news is you can walk away from it with no problem as soon as you want to.
Dating is hard. It’s full of anticipation and disappointment, I’m halfway there now with someone taking a while to respond, who seemed very keen and compatible, and no lycra shots! But when I’m disappointed, I tell myself that at least I’m still feeling and not completely desensitised. And then I just keep going.
More activity will help – running, walking, stuff with your hands like sewing, knitting, anything physical or manual that you can focus on. If you still have the deep depression, get any help that you can. Please keep coming back here when you feel down, and I would say there are no short cuts. Take Nat’s courses on self esteem and boundaries, and put the work in, put pen to paper and confront your fears and beliefs and values. Get grounded in reality and the here and now – if your feelings are overwhelming, stop and face them head on, give them attention and some kind of conclusion so that you can let them go and be in the present again.
I hope all this makes sense. I’ve been in just the same place and can really empathise.
Thank you so much for responding to me happy b.
The last couple of days have been really difficult what with one of my ex’s texting out of the blue to inform me that his wife (he never told me he was married with 2 daughters when we were dating) is now pregnant with a son, and that he still feels guilty about what he did to me and would like us to be friends and have dinner with his family blah blah blah 🙁
It really sucked the wind out of my sails, especially considering that I have fertility issues and was certain he’d be my husband and father of my children one day. Massive kick in the teeth on top of all the pain he’s already inflicted on me.
Yesterday I decided to have a massive purge: deleted all the guys I’d been trying to date/get to know off my phone, deleted my Tinder and POF app, deleted all photos exchanged – the works! I realised that none of guys ares howing any kind of interest barring the occasional text/call, so why am I prolonging the situation?
Yes, I agree – more activity (besides dancing in heels on a weekend) is needed! I plan to get back to the gym once the sale of my flat is finalised. I will attempt to reduce my weed smoking to weekends only from now on, but I honestly don’t think I can quit it altogether. I know it’s weak, but right now, it’s the only thing keeping me sane and preventing me from doing something stupid. I’m so tired of feeling low. I’m so tired of the nagging sense of disappointment I feel about my love life. It’s a source of so much sadness and it’s draining. All I seem to do lately is question:
“why am I here?”
“why do people like my ex get to live the life I want?”
“will I ever get to be mum?”
“will I ever experience healthy love?”
So many questions and very few answers. The future looks bleak, and I want to be positive but my resolve is wearing incredibly thin at the moment.
Thanks for listening and chucking some really good ideas my way. I will look into the course on self esteem and boundaries as I seem to be lacking both at the moment.
x
Rachel,
I’ve become a big purger, it feels good and it’s important to make space for something new. I’ve deleted dating apps many times, once did it a few days after paying for 3 months, I found it so awful. But on this go, I’m using just my computer and not the app so that it doesn’t take over. The man I’m interested in replied. I’m hopeful.
I’ll have a crack at your questions-
– why am I here? – You mean in this position? I think it’s important to know cause and effect, to look at your upbringing and family dynamics.
– why do people like my ex get to live the life I want? – but is it, really? I don’t have much info but he is at the very least a cheat and if he’s trying to get your attention and validation before thinking of your feelings, he’s not someone to envy. There is no limit to how happy you could be. I think it’s good to look to healthy couples for inspiration, rather than seeing being coupled up as a happy ending. It certainly isn’t. Do you really want to live in a house of dishonesty? Yuck.
– will I ever get to be mum? – it sounds like something you really want. I thought I did but strangely, have become more relaxed over it with time. Partly because it’s become common to have new mothers in their 40s, so it doesn’t feel urgent. I don’t want to settle for the sake of having children, nor would i want to be a single parent in a place that’s expensive and crowded. And I don’t want to lose sight of what I have for something that might never happen. I meet a lot of women who feel like me. But I think the setting has an effect – in my home town, it would take more strength to get to this mindset since it seems the only path. Anyway, am not really answering your question. Only that you have time, but should not waste any more time on unavailable relationships. I am gearing towards parenthood in a way, because I do quit dead-end relationships quickly and this may be a subconscious reason.
– will I ever experience healthy love? yes! I believe so, but only if you put the work in, become emotionally available (which I’m not sure you can do if you’re dependent on weed), face everything head on, including life without any stragglers on the horizon. Steel yourself for some disappointment and life tests to see if you’ve moved on from your patterns, but it’s also great to start making decisions and empowering and liking yourself. You’re on the right path!
x
Thank you ???? This was what I needed Bxx
(All those question marks were meant to be a smiley face!)