I regularly hear from people who are in the rather uncomfortable and ambiguous position of having an ex that they still love (or think they do), claim that they miss them and/or that they wish they could be together. However, these exes haven’t left their current partner or are unwilling to address the issues that broke the relationship. In some instances, these exes claim to miss him/her but aren’t making any moves or suggestions towards getting back together.
If you’re experiencing this, it’s likely that you will become very heavily invested in the idea that your ex wants/misses you. You will reason that it’s an obstacle out of your and their control that’s preventing you from being together. Are we getting back together? Why aren’t we getting back together?
The reality is somewhat altogether different: The obstacle isn’t whatever excuse they’ve given. Your ex is the obstacle.
Someone can miss you but not actually want to get back together.
They may think you’re great, claim to be crazy about you, or miss the things that ensured they got their needs met, but they don’t miss you that much. They like their life, and even if you don’t ‘get’ it or think it’s wrong, their situation works for them.
Someone can miss you but have enough awareness about their own capabilities to know that nothing would actually change if you were to get back together.
Someone can miss you because they get to avoid dealing with someone or something much closer to home. Dodging being emotionally available and of course, being uncommitted through their actions.
Someone can miss you, but it may not be for the reasons that you think. It may be for an ego stroke, shag, shoulder to lean on, money or whatever floats their boat.
There is a disparity between your idea of what they miss you for and what they actually miss you for.
People who say they miss you but don’t back up the sentiment with real action are talking hot air. They’re being non-committal. If this is how they were in the relationship, this “I miss you” BS is just an extension of the all-talk-and-little-or-no-action issue.
The mistake that we often make is assuming that they miss us or that they want to get back together because they:
1) Got in touch
2) Are looking for a shag
3) Moan about their ex
4) Tap us up for an ego stroke
5) Poke around in our business
6) Don’t want us to move on because they like having us as an option and backup plan
7) Ask hypothetical questions about what we would do if they made themselves available. Then they swiftly follow up with noise about how they can’t do anything at the moment but ‘might’ in the future.
Ultimately, what this head-wrecking boils down to is this:
If your ex misses you that much, they will handle their situation so they can be with you, period. Anything else is them talking doo-doo.
Think about it logically: Let’s imagine you hear from someone for a few months to a year or even more.
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. We were so good together. They don’t get me like you do. I can’t talk to them like I do with you. If only I could be with you. Blah blah blah blah blah.
But ask yourself this:
Why, if you miss me so much, are you ensuring that you stay in a position of missing me but never actually doing anything about it?
Why continue with your merry little life or even your merry little relationship, while muggins here (yes, that would be me), puts my life on hold on the possibility that you might actually do something about it one day?
If you are not in reality about who you were involved with and the reasons for the breakup, and are still looking for validation, such as wanting them to crawl back on their proverbial hands and knees and say how crazy they were to leave you to be with someone else (or whatever it was), you will be receptive to your ex’s bleating.
What isn’t acknowledged is that You.Broke.Up! You are a valuable individual entity.
The least they can do is miss you.
But stop enabling their sense of entitlement by allowing them to enjoy so much access to you.
What’s all the more galling is the chief offenders of this type of behaviour are often involved with other people. It doesn’t matter what you think of their current partner. It’s disrespectful to a current relationship for your ex to creep around telling you that they miss you.
For you, the eager beaver listener, keep your ego and your boundaries in check. It may feel like sweet retribution that they appear to be coming back and that you seemingly have the upper hand, but this isn’t a win.
You need more than an ego stroke and empty promises. They are moving on with their life while using you as an emotional airbag to cushion the transition. They’re securing a very comfortable fallback position should things ever not work out.
Surely you are worth being more than someone’s emotional airbag and their backup plan?
Put a golden boundary in place: Never allow someone to hang around in your life claiming they miss you while disrespecting another relationship.
It doesn’t matter what their reasoning is. What they’ll do to others, they’ll very comfortably do to you. Don’t bother taking the high road of “Well they were mine first” because it opens you up to petty reasoning. That and unless you fell out the sky into this year and they have no prior history before you, someone else could easily come along and have that same attitude.
The more you listen, the more sandcastles you build in the sky, the greater the illusionary relationship that you create. You end up in No Man’s Land, and basically, you don’t move on.
Do you know what’s so horrible about this situation? The more airtime you give it, the more you delay the inevitable process of grieving the loss of the relationship. When it all goes tits up, and you finally accept that the relationship is over, it hurts that you put your life on hold. You feel wounded by your willingness to believe in them and, yes, angry with you for being afraid to let go.
And, no matter how annoying and even manipulative your ex’s behaviour might be, if you put your life on hold and that includes in the physical day-to-day and the emotional, you need to own this.
Don’t own their behaviour; own yours.
That means being honest with you about what listening to them has allowed you to avoid. It means acknowledging any fear and resistance you had about taking responsibility for your happiness.
You have a responsibility to yourself to assess the risk and act in your best interests, even if the reality of something involves making uncomfortable decisions. Yes, they should be aware that they’re playing around with your time, energy, effort and emotions, but actually, you should be even more aware of it.
You’ve always had the option to pay attention, weigh the information, and opt out.
You might say “Oh, well, I was afraid if I didn’t give him/her attention that they might think I wasn’t interested or they wouldn’t leave their partner”. That’s not a good reason to not have your back. If them stepping up to the plate is dependent on you putting your life on hold and not acting with love, care, trust, and respect for yourself, this whole thing is doomed anyway. If they can only leave their partner if they have someone on ice, the relationship is also doomed.
When someone claims that they miss you (whether they’re with someone or not) and you’re thinking about getting back together, slow your roll and say:
You know what? I miss you too. But let’s not have this conversation unless you’re prepared to convert that sentiment into action and get back together.
Or the not so polite version: Come back when you’ve got your shit together/are not creeping around behind his/her back.
And make sure when you miss them, as in the reality of them, not the person you thought they were or hoped they might become.
And asking why they tell you they miss you is like asking “How long is a piece of string?”
In short: It’s because they can.
We’re not all responsible with words. Many people are out of touch with their emotions. They don’t know, acknowledge and express them. So many people (and that might include you) assume that feeling out of control and wanting to get back in control equals missing someone. It doesn’t. It means wanting to control the uncontrollable.
One of the questions I regularly ask clients in these situations: Do you truly want to get back together or do you want to win?
The biggest fear that someone who claims to miss you has is fear of not having you as an option anymore. And yours? Fear of no longer being an option. But remember, don’t sell yourself short. There are better ways to feel needed and valued than being your ex’s In Case of Emergency.
People who genuinely want to be with you don’t resist being with you. Your ex needs to stop missing you and be with you, or…jog on.
Your thoughts?
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Ready to reclaim yourself from the cycle of people pleasing and any patterns that reinforce feelings of low self-worth? My new book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (HarperCollins/Harper Horizon), is out now.
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“that would include you, assume that feeling out of control and wanting to get back in control equals missing someone. It doesn’t. It means wanting to control things you can’t control.”
wow- this is me! I know that I was a control freak while with him because I knew I was losing and trying desperately to control the situation. And this also translates to my life in general. I used to plan my week and weekends down to the last minute- no more. I used to get anxiety from not knowing what would happen next- no more. I’m working on this for the new year. I’m trying to control my stress levels, which were so high with the EUM.
I really don’t think it’s him I missed (other than the few good kisses we shared…), it’s the hope I had that I need to let go.
Hi Miriam, it’s freeing to acknowledge the reality of just how bloody stressful it is to try to control something that is beyond your control and unhealthy anyway. Good for you working on shedding the anxiety – keep it up!
This is so well said, Nat, i love it. As someone said to me recently, love is a verb and we all know a verb is an action word:-)) Love is about doing and not just about saying.
What woman wants to be put on ice and put her life ON HOLD for a guy to “decide” he actually wants to be with her and will sort his baggage out, or worse still, be put on ice til he “makes up his mind” to actually leave his current woman to be with her?
Actually, we could turn it around another way: if a guy really wants to be with you, he’ll knock down the obstacles in front of him. A good friend of mine is now happily married to her man who’s australian, I’m Irish and so’s my friend. They met when he was living here, three months later he had to go back to Australia – they travelled back and forth for about year and a half and he moved here to be with her. They would arrange telephone calls through Skype so were always in touch. Talk about love in action!
Its so true – the obstacle to a real, intimate relationship is THEM not whatever baggage they claim to have – i fell for that one! Because the obstacle is them, there’s no end to their excuses but its all tactics on their part to avoid having a real close intimate emotional relationship.
Thanks again ,Nat, for shedding the light on these types and for your no nonsense approach:-))
Hi Audrey, I was brought up in Dublin so I know loads of people in those exact circumstances. When you really want to be with someone, you make it happen. When you don’t and you’re resisting while talking doo doo, you’ll keep throwing up obstacles because you *are* the chief obstacle.
“Someone can miss you but have enough awareness about their
own capabilities to know that nothing would actually change if you
were to get back together.” This really touch base in my case. My
ex EUM sent me a text wanting to try again but at the same time he
know he can’t offer a relationship so he offered friend with
benefits (at least he was honest). Of course I didn’t accept, I
told him I have feelings and just can’t do that FWB thing. “You
know what? I miss you too but let’s not have this conversation
unless you’re prepared to convert that sentiment into action and
get back together.” When I read that, it also hit for my EUM and
also I can think in some shy, aloof guy at work that started
flirting and then nothing. When confronted, and let him know that I
actually like him and want something more than flirting now he just
dig a hole in the ground and buried his head. And that is explained
: “People who genuinely want to be with you don’t resist being with
you. ” I knew that, but you have just worded it so plainly. I also
like Miriam said, I need to let go “the hope”. thanks a
lot
Hi Allie. I heard from another reader who experienced similar circumstances to what you had with that guy. Some people like the ego stroke of being interested even if they don’t reciprocate. What I also said to her, is let go of these ideas about people’s shyness because we can find ourselves asking out the guy. If they’re interested and they get a signal from you that you’re interested, they’ll ask you out. Simple.
I feel so lucky that I don’t miss “my ex” (he was never
really mine) anymore. I certaintly don’t miss all the BS he came up
with, in order to explain why he behaved like an idiot. Once he
told me after we broke up: I miss you so much, miss all the nice
conversations we had”. I told that was totally BS.! “But, Betha, I
never heard you talk like that!” he said, totally surprised. “But
now I need to speak out”, I told him. He is still confused, but I
don’t care. Let it be! (Hey Beatles!)
Hilarious Betha. My ex said something similar when I told him to take a run and jump and wasn’t patient and stroking his ego. Deluded they are!
I would like to add that we often confuse our feelings all for the sake of the easy way out. There is a profound difference between being in love and loving someone. The former is active while the latter is passive. I find myself loving my ex and occasionally mistaking that for being in love with her, getting all confused and leading myself to think that I miss her and i want to get back together simply because it’s the easier pain to deal with.
Now I stop to consider my feelings as well as the basis of why I feel the way I do before I do anything stupid which only hurts me.
As usual, great words of wisdom, very solid article. I’m still on my journey to self love with a lot of help from your site. Thank you Natalie.
Hi Aubrey, it’s also important to recognise that a loving relationship requires two people. You can be in love on your own without their input. I think what you’re doing is so empowering because you’re not being reactive and are considering not only the wider consequences but the basis for why you’re contemplating something in the first place. That’s being conscious.
Reality check – nothing’s changed – check ! Boundaries in place – no contact ever! check. Didn’t work before – it not going to work EVER! check. All systems good to go – keep moving forward.
Miss me BS Miss my ass! I am NOT that woman anymore!
Brilliant Movedup! Thanks for the giggle!
I wish everyone could read this post and heed the warning. Every word is true. I was involved with a married man who for 4 YEARS ‘missed me’ every day… I broke up with him several times in that timeframe and always got suckered back by thinking that when he said he ‘missed me’ that he was ready to make a move to finally be with me. WRONG. He missed his emotional crutch and sex partner. The reality was that he was quite happy with having his cake and eating it too, and had little motivation to change that. Proud to say I have been complete NC with the loser for 7 months now and thanks to Nat’s blog! Please make sure you keep the golden boundary!! hugs
Totally hear you LMA. My ex with the girlfriend told me he missed me all the time. One of those times, ten minutes later i bumped into him on his way to meet his girlfriend with a bunch of flowers. It was all I could do not to ram those flowers where the sun don’t shine. They are loose with words.
This is so true. People who are respectful and care about the feelings of others don’t “check in” every so often to tug at heartstrings and stir up old romantic feelings by telling you they “miss you” and “you’re wonderful” &etc. I used to see that as being a sign of the overwhelming strength of their affection and attraction that they just couldn’t stay away, but since discovering this blog, have come to see this as completely selfish and emotionally manipulative, if not downright cruel. On some level these people must know that if they flit in and out of someone’s life who they know has had an attachment and feelings for them, that prevents the person from being fully emotionally available to someone who could give them a relationship and the love they deserve. It arrests the moving-on process. If that person isn’t stepping in to mess around in your life, it’s way easier to be emotionally available to the next person.
People who truly have your wellbeing at heart want you to fully heal and move on after the dissolution of a relationship because they want what’s best for you, even if that means not being with them because they know they can’t give you what you want. They will act accordingly by not misleading you as to their intentions, even if they still have some romantic feelings that have lingered post-breakup. In very rare cases, they might even hope that their situation or whatever the problem is might change and that the two of you could get back together in the future, but that still won’t lead to them mistreating you and confusing you in the present. They will allow you to heal until they’re really ready (if they ever are) to try to give you real love. And they won’t want you to wait until they are ready. In the meantime, they will want you to be happy even if that means losing you.
Well said!
Absolutely Learning. Absolutely. This is what people just don’t get. They think that ex’s call up because they care – it’s because they DON’T care. They’re only thinking about themselves. If they had any true, genuine care for you and enough respect, they’d be mindful of saying things that they cannot follow through on. I have broken up with people and I’ve stayed out of their way, because much as it will make my ego feel better to know that they think I’m the bees knees and not a cow for breaking up with them, I don’t want to mislead them and I trust that if we are ever going to be friends, it can wait until they have had a chance to heal their hearts. I see countless people do the decent thing after breakups just like you described in the last para.
My ex did just that, he left me alone, and I have to say I appreciate it (even if I wished he would call me sometimes…)
He told me flat out he had issues of his own he was working through and couldn’t have a relationship, I tried to see if he would “change his mind”- bad idea.
I also left him alone, I figure it’s better off that way, and a better way to heal. I am still grieving the loss, but I can say that once I cut him off, he knows what’s up and hasn’t bothered me. On our last meeting, he told me I should keep dating, and it stung, but I know he meant well for me. He just couldn’t give me what I wanted and was honest (though the truth can be hard to swallow, I appreciate it.)
Amazing insight…painful to read for me right now. But still, I couldn’t have said it any better. Thank you.
I dated the most emotionally unavailable man ever for 3.5 months and continued to grieve the relationship for 9 months. I made myself completely miserable and could not move on despite the fact that we live 5 hours away from one another. He would text me every couple days just to keep me a backup plan. It was always “I miss you. I’ve never met anyone like you. I wish I could be better for you.” Just total BS, but I fell into his trap everytime. He would make plans for us to get together, but never once followed through. He just wanted me there as a backup plan and I took the little crumbs that he threw my way for 9 agonizing months. Finally, I knew I had to be done with him once and for all, so the next time he text me I just said flat out, “We both know that you don’t want a relationship so please quit feeding me all these lines. I’ve had enough.” I proceeded to block him from facebook and yahoo chat – and I quit answering any text messages. I feel like a brand new woman in 2011 because I finally stood up for myself, put boundaries in place, and saw all my ex’s messages for what they were – complete and total BS! that’s for all you do, nat! i feel like you live inside my head most days! 🙂
Well done Brianne. He was all talk, no action. It’ll feel like you’ve taken a dead weight off your shoulders! Well done!
Great Article!!! Love it Nat – ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!
Hi Everyone – Have missed everybody, been busy being happy and taking care of me – yeah!
@Audrey “Because the obstacle is them, there’s no end to their excuses but its all tactics on their part to avoid having a real close intimate emotional relationship.” That is so true, once one of the obstacles is removed – oooopps – here comes another. It’s actually quite exhausting!!
“But I feel the biggest reason is fear of finality which is for them, not having you as an option anymore and for you, not being an option anymore. But remember, don’t sell yourself short. People who genuinely want to be with you don’t resist being with you. They need to stop missing you and be with you, or…jog on.”
It does not feel good to be an option, and I find that so disrepectful, unloving & unkind to do that to myself – but I sure have done it in the past. I made excuses for his chronic pain – but I did fianlly tell him – you know there are plenty of people who live in chronic pain, who are in relationships and COMMITED, so if you can’t do that – as Nat says JOG ON!!!
I think what is sad……. some of them really want to work on it, they just do not have the emotional capacity to do it – they need to do their “work”. I have finally worked through my grief and I am at acceptance and forgiveness – yes – but forgiving does not mean I have to forget, be in contact, be friends. I miss him – the good parts that is – but I do not need to tell him that nor enter the battlefield.
Thanks for all of your support – all of you – especially Natalie! To a great and fantastic New Year!!
Amen Aimee to “I am at acceptance and forgiveness – yes – but forgiving does not mean I have to forget, be in contact, be friends. I miss him – the good parts that is – but I do not need to tell him that nor enter the battlefield.” The forgiveness is for you. When we are still emotionally invested in our ex’s, as soon as we start to feel even a little better, we get grandiose ideas about getting back in touch with them. Let it be! Here’s to a great year for you too!
Thank you for another great post. I have been dealing with this same situation since NYE when my EUM (of 6 1/2 years – eeek) texted me from Paris to wish me a warm NYE and a great 2011 hoping I get everything I want. I gave him NC this year. Since his text, I have been confused, but this post clears it up. It’s the finality of it – giving up the “option” of being in each other’s lives – for good. I only care about words if there is follow-through and action.
I am 36! I hate that I’m the sack that gave him nearly 7 years of my emotional energy. (I wish I researched more in 2005 and found your blog then!) But, with posts like this, I am learning not to sell myself short and to respect and care about myself as is, and just keep moving on, on and on.
Thanks girl!
Hi Jaynewyork07, the key here is not to add onto those 7 years. You can’t take back that time and the fact is that when we start the whole feeling confused, nostalgic, hoping for it to get better, it’s because we’re basing it on reasons that mean we’re living in the past. That and we’re still hopeful in spite of everything we have experienced. It’s not that I want to kill optimism, but reality means that we recognise when it is time to fold and let history be history. Having a past together is not reason enough to try to create a future.
Wow perfect timing email. I had a weird set of occurences. Last night i had a dream where i was shouting, crying and screaming out how much i missed my x and i think it was to him, cant remember. Then as i got up this morning i opened my email account. Two emails one under the other, 1st one was this message and the words I miss you I miss You, 2nd one was from another site then sends stories people write in and it was titled losing ” insert my x’s name here”.
So all my eyes intially saw was i miss you i miss you and my x’s name.
Kinda freaked me out.
Anyway reading this article gave me some healthy reminders about missing people or them claiming to miss you and what its really all about.
Ive actually been in NC for about a year from my x and ive made a lot of progress.To the point where I work with him but barely register him.
But this holiday has been odd, ive actually started missing him BUT i am aware im missing what i thought he was and not the reality of him.
I believe that since i forgave my x about 2 months ago and let go of most of the anger it seems to have made room for me to remember the nice stuff. It made me feel uneasy at 1st but i think i have to accept the good stuff as well and not be afraid to remember the good times… so sure im missing the good times but im very aware that thats only one small side of the relationship. I used to be uncomfy with all the anger i had but now im realising now that its gone its a bit trickier not being so angry. Has anyone hit forgiveness and found it a bit tricky? I think my dream might be showing me just how much im feeling uncomfy with the new feelings.
Im a bit bummed i thougth id be over all this stuff by now.
Take care everyone Trinity
@Trinity: i’m a believer in forgiveness but i don’t believe
in forgetting. When I forgive someone, for me, it helps me to leave
go of resentment and makes it easier to move on. On the other hand,
when i don’t forgive, i hold onto resentment and bad feelings for
someone can fester in my heart. So forgiveness benefits the
forgiver more than the forgiven, in my experience. It’s a different
story if the forgiven seek forgiveness and they are so grateful to
receive forgiveness, cos it sets them free, and they know they did
wrong and are genuinely sorry for it. Forgiving doesn’t mean you
forget who they are and what they did to you. Never forget cos that
can be a trap and as you say, you’re seeing the goods parts of him
now. What a conincidence you had a dream and got two e-mails but
you know this “i miss you” malarky is all a load of hot air now and
empty words.
Hi Trinity. You’re going through a natural part of grieving the loss of someone. I try not to read too much into dreams because we can have a dream for all sorts of crazy reasons. I have some strange dreams but I don’t place so much stock in them that it will impact real life. That said, you obviously have the coincidence of the emails. However you have your ex on your mind anyway, so often when we have someone on our mind, even in the background, we will dream. Knowing that you miss the dream not the reality is a reality check in itself. You’re human. Many people have, do and will miss people who overall were not good for them and that is because we’re human and mentally and emotionally we tend to latch onto the ‘good times’. It’s tempering the thought process by saying ‘Yes, it’s OK to remember the good times but continue to acknowledge the not so good times’ ensures you remain balanced as opposed to nostalgic. I have also found with reading about and corresponding with so many after breaking up that the pitfall of breakups is having the time to think about them, either through boredom, inactivity, or not being conscious enough in the thought process to interrupt our thoughts meandering, sanity check, and move on elsewhere. The more you move on, the more you accept, the less you deny, the less you think of them, the more of distant part of your past they become.
@Trinity
Yep. Yep. and Yep. There is something to be said about the anger. Especially when it motivates you, NOT imbolizes you. It can be a very powersul place for me.
I am now at the acceptance and forgiveness place, and it can be trickier (see my above post). Tomorrow is his bday and there is this part of me that says – I’m ok, I can be strong and tell him happy bady and have it not affect me, HAHAHA – that’s how I got back with him all those times – thinking I was strong enough for …… good boundries, not listen to his words, not get pulled in, be the “better” or “spiritual” person, etc. Name it – I have used it.
It does become trickier cause I do remember his good sides, if he was ALL bad, I would have nevedr been with him. But I have to stay true to myself. I wish him well, I am even praying for him again. For me, I have to leave it in the past – where it belongs.
I have had NC 4 months and 4 days – with a bleep to get a written poem back – which I have to say was a big chunk of healing for me when he mailed it to me. Though it may have been symbolic, it was a very vulnerable poem I didn’t want in his hands anymore.
I thank the Universe for this blog. I love it when the articles hit right where I am at!!
Thanks NML and to the other guys who posted.
That makes perfect sense and ive started to feel more settled with the stage and feelings.
Thanks again 🙂
I miss my ex and what I miss is knowing how his life is progressing. How is his guitar playing doing? Has he still got problems with kidney pain. So what I am actually missing is being his emotional airbag and that
has stopped me dealing with my own life. I know he is not for me, his valued aren’t my values, he’s currently as far as I know still engaged, he treated me badly and basically he needs therapy for his issues. I mean why start painting a portrait with almost zero resources! I do miss his conversation as he did have interesting views but then again so do other people, so what’s so special! Today I have been so busy with my own life that I have barely thought of him and I can seriously see a time not long from now when I don’t think about him at all. You can miss someone but realise they are seriously no good for you. I kind of feel its like an addiction, the “missing you” feeling is the withdrawal until you fill the space that person had in your mind and your heart with something so much more positive, your own life.
Hi Josie, very true. I actually think that a lot of people are consumed with the activity of missing the person because it is a distraction from themselves, more painful emotions and basically having to take action. I hear from people who have a day, week or however long where they hardly think of their ex and then they become so panicked by the fact that they don’t have the security blanket of thinking about them, that they then go into thinking about them mode.
“the “missing you” feeling is the withdrawal until you fill the space that person had in your mind and your heart with something so much more positive, your own life.” – brilliant
This last bit that NML has quoted – let me just reiterate: brilliant. I’ve written it down.
All the best to you!
Betty
HAPPY2011 TO ALL, i just want to say that N’s articles are
so right on! I have never been so impressed or even recieved this
caliber of advice when paying for it.. Today’s article gave me more
courage to move towards accepting finality of letting a married man
go who i have allowed to use me willingly. i understand that i am
so caught up in thinking If i can be more patient ,if I drive him
wild in bed ,if I can just have no needs at all except loving
kindness It will be enough… trouble is I have so lost myself and
still continue to look to a man to be responsible for my happiness.
I know he will never leave his rich wife and sumptuous life style
but to continue to beg through my behavior for a few crumbs not to
mention the agonizing waiting for contact and disappointment. I”m
at the stage where if even he does show up its just to leave me
cold for 4-8 weeks again. Face it I’m a booty call. I truly believe
that i can find my way back to self love and internal peace with
the help in these posts and N’s sage advice. ( 58yr old nurse) who
is going to make it.
Absolutely Karen. Sometimes, we’ve just got to call a spade a spade. You know the process and the pattern with him now and you deserve better than participating in it. We think if we love enough, if we sex them enough, they’ll love us. They don’t. They at best take advantage and at worst abuse it and ultimately you don’t want to be like a used car salesman trying to force a car on someone. Don’t sell yourself short.
Thanks Nat for this post, This explains my situation . Me
and my EX broke up/got back together several times over the past 6
months. The last time we got back together in october he was the
one that pushed the idea of getting back together. Everything was
going well, as it seemed we were working on a stronger bond and
better communication. Then he cheated on me the day after
thanksgiving by sleeping in the same bed/touching/and kissing
someone else drunk at a party ( the day before I pamperedd him with
a dinner, movie, candlelit bubble bath, cuddling). We had alot of
arguements about it and he basicly blamed me for my trust issues,
even though the he cheated on me. I admit I did start one drama
filled arguement and He then broke up with me again 7 days before
christmas claiming that he couldnt be in a relationship( Even
though when he confessed to the cheating he shedded crocodile tears
and he said that he wasnt going anywhere and that he doesnt want it
to end because he loved me, thought I was loving, caring,
supportive, a good hearted person, blah blah blah). We briefly
communicated and then I got fed up living in illusions and I
started no contact on dec 22 and well off the wagon on january 9th
after two weeks and a half of NC. I was doing so good as the fog
cleared . But I was the one that called him and asked how he was
then asked him if he missed me and he said yes ” I miss you”. I
told him that we should treat ourselves with more love car trust
and respect and he agreed and even suggested what we can do. he was
happy to hear from me and I was too. i told him i loved him and he
said i love you too. A Day after found out that he posted a pic on
his blog with him and his ex from before with her kissing him on
the cheek, it looked like they were in bed under sheets. I texted
him saying that I thought he was dishonest and selfish and to set
up a time to give each other our stuff back. He called me back
yelling, telling me its just a pic, he has no feelings for her and
then he calmed down and we talked about the pic and why I thought
he was dishonest. He admited to not being honest about wanting to
be together, But we got back into drama after a while, he got
defensive and told me he didnt want to be my friend then hung up.
This was around 10 pm that night, at 1 am he proceeded to call me 2
times and I didnt answer. He left me a voicemail apologizing for
getting angry and hoping I was ok and asking why I didnt calmly
tell him I was uncomfortable with the pic. He then called me again
the next day and we talked about the whole relationship, he
apologized again for getting angry, then we had a talk about that
things that happened and I told him how I felt. I told him I
deserve better and that I need someone that has both feet in the
relationship. He agreed and respected what I had to say. He told me
he couldnt be in a relationship and claimed that I was the one that
came “coming back” ( remember the earlier about how I said HE came
back) I told him im going to take responsiblity for all I did like
the drama fights and etc., and that Im not going to take
responsibilty for all he has done since we were BOTH in IT. he
agreed with me and told me to just let it go since it was “Over”.
He said we should just have our own spaces and for us to respect
that, that we shouldnt see each other so soon and to not jump into
being friends yet. I told him how much pain he put me through but
he didnt know what to say to it and just stayed quiet. I told him
what I wanted for the future and he supported me. We ended politely
and said our byes, even though he was the first to sadly say bye,
stayed quiet and wouldnt hang up. He will never take responsibility
for the things he says and does but at least he listened to what I
had to say and respected my wishes. I was doing so good! working on
myself, going to conseuling, treating myself with more love care
trust and respect. This holiday season has really been hard for me.
I regret falling off the wagon and now im seriously confused. I
miss him, then I remind myself that I need to focus on me. Healing
slowly begins and this blog has been my new best friend.
“I miss you. It’s serious.” Is there some manual somewhere
that all these AC’s read?
@ Sarak I think so… They just seem to reread it over and
over just in case they forget.
This made me laugh SaraK. Maybe you should send a doctor around…
Hi RB. I think for the sake of you both, going your separate ways at this time is your only option. You’re like two people who have had an argument, broken up, and who then keep trying to have the last word. You’re also doing the whole Talking Too Much thing – you guys are talking but ultimately it doesn’t translate into action which means you or maybe both of you are two people sounding off. Your ex is also immature. How we react is how we react. To ask why you couldn’t ask him about another woman in a calmer way is to sidetrack the issue and the fact is, you asked in that way because you don’t trust him. That and this relationship is very high level drama. I think instead of knee-jerking back to him that you need to be working on the bit where you ask yourself why you are with a man that behaves in this way. If you want drama, stay with this man, but if you want a genuine relationship, it’s time to feel the pain of the relationship ending.
I was on no contact for almost 6 months and then he texted
me. That’s all it took. I was back in. I wanted the excitement, I
wanted the longing to stop and I wanted to try and get the
validation again. I feel stuck for those reasons. I know it’s short
term gain for long term pain and it’s a theme in my life. I just
feel so ugly. I feel like if I were prettier, he would want me. I
feel like if he wanted me, it would make up for all the rejection I
have had. I feel like I am never going to find someone I feel that
excited about or attracted to. The guys who I find attractive who
aren’t douchebags date girls far prettier and younger than me.
STUCK!!!
Hi Lisa, what you have here is like being in pseudo retirement. You’re like the guy who says he’s retired and then sneakily is still working. While you were in No Contact, what you were actually doing is the equivalent of being on hold. It’s like cat and mouse and the moment he texted, that was validation number 1. Yay, I’m worthy of being called up. He wants me. The fact is, this is nothing to do with your looks and being pretty and thinking it is, is sidetracking you from the real issue. If you think the key to holding someone is your looks, you’re very wide of the mark. Only for the most shallow of people do looks actually make or break a relationship. They can create attraction, but they can’t be used to win someone over or back. This man is not God. I can tell you with 150% assurance that if he wanted you it still wouldn’t make up for the rejection you feel you’ve had, because this is not about how he feels about you. This is about how you feel about you. You are very, very caught up in looks. This makes for very shallow relationships – on both sides. If you want a substantial relationship, you will need to consider and employ far more substantial things about you and them that have nothing to do with your looks. It is very easy to say that it’s looks that stands between you – it’s the thing you’re dissatisfied with and you likely feel like it’s beyond your control. It’s not the looks – it’s the relationship habits, values, and beliefs. If you genuinely think it’s all looks, we’re all doomed. We’ll always be a hop, skip and a jump away from losing them to someone else.
Oh boy…sooo true and I’m being forced to learn this the hard way. As a young woman I was very attractive and came to believe that that was the power i had, and I learned to use it. Now at 50 I’m aging and very painfully working my way through this. I feel extremely vulnerable but also feel like this is a gift because relying on your looks is a very painful way to live. And I can tell you from personal experience that being beautiful does not make you happy and lucky in love. Believing you are not pretty enough just protects you from seeing the reality of the situation which is it ain’ t happening with this guy and it is not in your hands to make it happen. You are fine as you are.
Ms A
I agree. When I was younger I was so beautiful that photographers (male and female) would stop me in the street to ask me to model for them, little girls would follow me around, whispering how pretty I was. My relationships were CRAP. I was constantly getting the hot/cold/dumping treatment. If my looks had any effect on men , it was only to attract idiots.
Unless you make a living from them, or if you are unfortunately disfigured in some way, looks don’t matter. At 45, I’m much happier than I was at 25 and literally stopping traffic.
Thank you so much for your responses NML, Grace and Ms A. I
guess I just feel that if I were less average, he would have wanted
me to be his girlfriend . I believe that lots of guys won’t even
give you a shot if you are not attractive enough. He seems to like
my personality and what I have to offer (as do many men) so I
always just assume it’s my looks that is the barrier.
Grace and Ms. A, Why do you think that being beautiful
didn’t help you find/keep love? Do you have a sense now about why
your relationships were “crap”? I feel like I never even get a shot
with anyone I would actually want to date (except for the ones that
just want to use me for sex/ego stroke/back up plan) because of my
looks. On online dating sites, guys I message often delete my
messages without even reading them…I don’t even get a chance to
get dumped.
Lisa Look around, beautiful women get badly treated by men
all the time – Marilyn Monroe, Jennifer Aniston, Kylie, Jerry Hall,
Cheryl Cole. Anne Boleyn got her head cut off. Being beautiful
doesn’t mean you make smart choices. In fact, unless she has solid
self-esteem and knows how to stand up for herself, beautiful women
are a sitting duck for ACs/EUMs looking for an ego stroke/shag/arm
candy. Look around again at all the women who are, frankly, not so
beautiful, slim or well-dressed yet have devoted husbands. They
chose someone who loves them. And I expect that their husbands DO
find them very attractive, as most men, especially decent ones, are
quite encompassing regarding what looks they find appealing. Also,
as Natalie has said, if you trade on your looks you will only
attract shallow people. If you marry a man who’s that interested in
looks (if it ever gets as far as marriage) , what’s going to happen
when you get sick, pregnant or old? Of course being beautiful feels
good . But it doesn’t make you a better person or a person more
deserving of love.
My emotions still run up and down after 4 mos of NC (yay
me!), but things keep getting better. Thought I’d share how I
finally went from being stirred up and raw from the AC’s
post-breakup “I miss you,” “…we can’t lose our friendship”
(though always reminding me of romantic, not friendly, ties) emails
and calls to laughing at them. He sent one last month titled
“Anniversary,” on the anniversary of my first staying over at his
house (not sleeping with him – he once when we were together
misremembered the same day as the day we first slept together). He
proceeded to wax lyrical about the details of an Entirely Different
Day! claiming that he was all forklempt and weepy because he was
remembering the way it all began! It was like emailing me to remind
me that on this day, last year, he proposed when in fact it was the
anniversary of our first date! And oh, how lost he was feeling!
FAIL, FAIL, FAIL! What a crappy con artist!! I think I was still
shaking my head when I used that wake-up call to finally block his
blockhead emails.
Lynn, your ex is a dipstick. What he said sounds so incredibly insincere.
This is a great post and the comments have been so helpful.
Thank you all and NML. I’m so fortunate that we no longer work
together and no longer have any (false) reason to contact one
another. Although it’s only 23 days of NC, I’m really grateful I
have not recieved the “I miss you” call, text, or email. Should I
recieve the I miss you nonsense, I’ll re-read every post and every
article on this blog. By the time I’m done with that, two more
months will pass. Today was a good day. I could walk through places
(like my workplace, my grocery store, and my backyard) just feeling
how nice it used to be when we were together and how awful it used
to be. It’s a calm spot. It’s like a draw. It was so awful being
the other woman. It was nice being with him. But it was so awful
being the other woman. Thank you all. Your posts have been a life
saver.
Yes there are times I miss my ex but if I sit long enough
remembering what happened (he cheated) it doesn’t take me long to
“wash that man right out of my head and send him on his way” Its
from South Pacific, great movie.
LOL MaryC. I’ll bet it doesn’t take long!
Sorry its “its wash that man right out of my hair and send
him on his way”.
Nat, this is a great article but I’m coming at it from a
different angle and would really appreciate some advice from you or
any of the women who read this. I’M the one who has broken off with
my boyfriend after three years. He’s from overseas, where we met
while I was on a holiday, and we were long-distance with occasional
visits. I then went to stay with him in Europe/UK for a year before
coming back to Australia to sort my life out. He visited but
couldn’t commit to moving here but also wouldn’t make a decision
about somewhere else for us to move. Then I finally convinced him
to move to Sydney to be with me, to apply for the defacto partner
visa… he came here just over a year ago and despite many
promises, he dragged his feet and just Didn’t Do It. Every three
months he had to leave (because you can only stay here as a
‘visitor’ for three months at a time). I pleaded, I cried, I tried
to be his armchair psychologist, helping him work out why he said
he wanted to be with me but wouldn’t DO anything to get the visa.
We had a lovely time living together, cooking together, going out,
watching movies and plays… so much lovely stuff. But that was
just fantasy land. The reality was he couldn’t settle on the idea
of living here in Sydney. But he wouldn’t make a decision about
anything. I tried to end it various times because I couldn’t handle
the uncertainty. Eventually, after leaving me to go to Europe
(again) for another holiday, he got most of the visa stuff ready
and just needed my contribution. Something clicked inside me and I
realised that even if he DID get that visa and could stay, nothing
would be different. He would just drag his feet about getting a
job… and I wouldn’t trust that he wouldn’t decide on a whim to
visit family again (without actually PLANNING things so that I
could go too. He’s very short-sighted in that sense). SO, my point
is, I broke it off and he’s gone. I’ve tried to do NC but I broke
it after a week or so. So, I’m trying to do it again only I’m
getting all these texts from him. The last one I got this morning
is all about how much he loves me, that I’m the most wonderful girl
he’s ever met and how can I just throw it all away? It’s so hard. I
miss him terribly and of course I wonder if I’ve made the wrong
decision. But I have a terrible feeling that if I do my part of the
visa application, and let him come back, it will feel like a step
back for me, like a resignation to putting up with something less
than what I deserve. I love him but I know that a lot of our
‘chemistry’ is based on us both being depressives and trying to
‘escape’ from life. I’m trying to move on and grow as a person,
even seeing a psych… so I feel like he would be holding me back.
It’s so hard because I love him and I care so much and want him to
be a better person for himself too… He misses me and being NC
feels so harsh. But I just don’t think I can have him back. Not
just now. Maybe never. Any advice? I would really appreciate it.
Thank you all. Betty
I would say you absolutely made the right decision. You were not satisfied with the relationship and therefore ended it. From you post, it seems that you gave him ample warning of your dissatisfaction and still he did nothing to change. If he hasn’t gotten it together by this point, it is unlikely he ever will. If you take him back, you might be looking at three more wasted years. Saying ‘I miss you’ means nothing if it is not backed up by loving action. If you read the blog, many people here go no contact because they are involved with people not meeting their needs. Even though they feel like the rejected party, they are still guilty for going No Contact. The truth is No Contact can be harsh, but in the long run it is the least harsh road for both you and the other party (if the other party was invested, which it seems like he probably was).
My advice: stay No Contact and move on from this relationship.
Hi Betty. I think at the moment you need to focus on you. I appreciate that there is history but that in itself should give you a window into why you need put you first. You shouldn’t have to be convincing someone to make the move and while I appreciate the distance, like Audrey, I’ve seen people overcome the very same obstacle that you have hundreds of times with my English and Irish friends in particular. If you’re both depressives, you likely have some codependency issues that have arisen through the course of the relationship and as you get better, that common ground you think you both have, is likely to shrink to puddle size. I appreciate that it’s a big move for someone to make but the fact is that he is not actively working on a solution that you both can live with, and you’ve already moved over here and that hasn’t worked either. I don’t doubt he misses you but his ship has sailed. Stop trying to love him into being better and fix his problems – you have to fix your own and he has to fix his and the only way a relationship like this can work and reconcile is if the issues that broke it are resolved or a great deal of the way to being resolved. That means he would need to demonstrate that he has been doing stuff over a period of time to get his side of things sorted out – not just stating intentions and talking about it. He needs to do it off his own steam. I would also say stop trying to force things as you shouldn’t have to cajole like a used car salesman. Relationships require effort but they don’t require hard labour.
Thanks NML!
I feel conflicted because all that ‘hard sell’ stuff was so long ago… and yet, was it? Even just before he left here, before Christmas (because he resented that I assumed he was going to be here with me and my family at Christmas… OMG He had known all year how important to me it was because I was hosting Christmas for the first time!… AND He had left me to go overseas – Europe, UK and NZ – TWICE each in the last twelve months…) ANYWAY…
NOW that I have been dead serious in breaking up, he is sending texts saying he would marry me in an instant if he could… and that he realises he has been wrong and that he has hope for us being together.
The reason I feel conflicted is because, just before he left, he DID finally get all his visa stuff sorted… and then when it came time for me to add my bit, I just couldn’t do it. All the months (and years) of pushing and coaxing and coaching… and I finally got what I wanted… but so much effort was taken… and still he wasn’t 100% sure… So I had my epiphany.
BUT now he blows hot with proposals (by text?!) and living with that great ‘fur coat of denial’ (well, I hear it is rather chilly in Europe at the moment!) and he acts as though, because he wants to get the visa, because he has all the stuff and is just waiting on MY bit, that he is obviously doing enough to show he is serious. He wants to put the application in. BUT I just don’t trust that his desire is coming from any real certainty, other than the certainty that he is shitscared about losing me forever.
Ah, it helps to write that. Doesn’t make this any easier, but at least I’m working it through.
Natalie, your words on this blog have been a godsend. I am in awe. I wish you every happiness 🙂
Betty
x
Oh, just a bit of extra information – I’m 33 and he’s 45.
So, it’s not as though he’s in his early 20s and hasn’t gotten used
to making responsible decisions. He seems so incapable of sorting
things out in his own head. I really think he has cognitive issues
(maybe even adult ADD) but his MO is to just avoid, avoid, avoid
and escape, escape, escape. Sigh. I wish I could help him with it,
and I tried so much. I know he needs to do it for himself… but it
feels so harsh to just end everything we have. But I know that’s
what he’s playing on when he sends the texts. He’s scared and
confused and still AVOIDING dealing with his own mess…
@Betty: i second what jupiter23 said. Earlier up in the page i wrote about my friend (irish) and her husband who’s australian. You see he knocked down the obstacles to be with her.
You’re right on what you say, even if you take away the obstacles for your guy, he’ll put up another one and another one. He still won’t be putting his feet into the relationship. Are all these guys made of concrete????
I was thinking this morning how all Mr. Unavailables behave the same way- you try to get rid of them and they bombard you with contact and blow as hot as the sahara! But soon enough, they’ll be as cold as the antartic.
The difficulty with being with these guys is there can be good times and that’s what keeps us hooked and fools us into believing “if only such and such an obstacle wasnt there, he could be with me properly”. But the obstacle is HIM. He says he loves you but is still not doing anything to change the situation – that’s not real love on his part.
If i were you Betty, i’d cut my losses at this point, you’re only 33- you’re in the prime of your life and your thirties are great years. Please don’t waste any more time with this Mr. Unavailable.
Of course you miss him, but believe me, once you stick with the nc
you will see things more clearly and soon you’ll be feeling very relieved to be free of him and free from all the upset and uncertainty. You can only gain by leaving him!
He’s 45 and he’s danced this dance many times. And if you were to really look at the kind of life you would have with him, you’re looking at a lot of hard work, a lot of drama, and really, you’ll only be half living your life while you’re with him.
I want to meet a man that i can grow with as a person. These Mr. Unavailables have the emotional depth of a puddle and i think it’s impossible to grow as a person while you’re with them. That was one of the reasons i left dodge city!
hope this helps xoxo
I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to write what you did. It helps to have your encouragement. I know that I’m doing the right thing, deep down, but a bit closer to the surface it’s all muddled.
I got a final text tonight, after I messaged him to ask him to give me time to sort some things out. Amongst other things in the text he said ‘I ask you to remember a time when you had more hope for us when you believed in our future together’ and also ‘I don’t say this lightly but I would marry you in a heartbeat if only i could’
I can’t believe it. I talked about marriage on more than one occasion and he has ALWAYS had an issue with it (because his parents separated). He has never been interested in marriage. I was the fallback girl who, very early on, was proposing to HIM, because I was insecure and chasing a feeling and wanting to tie him down to me. A couple of years later (only mid last year) stupid me had even proposed that marriage would be ‘what he needs’ because it’s an institution and he works best in rigid structures (boarding school, tour life with a schedule he can’t control – ie he has no self-determination!) and all I ever got from him was ‘I don’t know.’
Even only a week ago he was saying that he’s not sure if he can live in one place, have a ‘normal’ life… and that he’s not sure about living in Australia… and now he’s talking as if none of those issues exist.
He’s a sweet man, with a sensitive soul… and a complete inability to take responsibility for his life and live in the real world. I just wish I hadn’t been so hooked on ‘chasing the feeling’ of the connection (probably based on mutual dysfunctions) and shared interests we have.
Thanks again and I hope I can move on. I have a feeling he won’t. Once he’s given me a couple of month to sort some stuff, will he have done the same introspection? I doubt it. I’m worried I’m just going to break his heart all over again. Perhaps I should send one more text, ending it entirely, full stop…? Or just fade away? I just know that in a couple of months he is going to require another answer. And somehow I don’t think it will be different. OK, here I go with one more final text…
Wishing you all strength and fulfilment.
And thanks again, Nat, my life has changed since I found this site.
Betty
x
@Betty: he’d marry you in a heartbeat if he could” . I don’t believe it for one second. It’s gobsmacking that he would firstly say it and then, secondly, text it!! THE MIND BOGGLES. Texting that is a big red flag for sure and a sign he doesn’t mean it. And count your lucky stars he didn’t marry you cos you can walk away easier not being married to him. A week ago, he wasn’t sure he could live in the one place!!!! He’s got some brass neck – sweet and sensitive – i think not.
But I think you know, deep down , you cannot trust a word that comes out of his mouth.
Be prepared for him to come back blowing as hot as the sahara – but you know what it is – hot air.
And you know deep down you are doing the right thing for you -absolutely you are.
The final text is sent and see that final text as the beginning of the rest of your life -without this Mr. Unavailable!!!
Betty, what’s so sensitive about saying things he can’t follow through on? in a text? that’s not sensitive, it’s insentive, self-indulgent and unkind.
Even though you think you broke up with him, you didn’t really. You were backed into a corner by his flip flapping behaviour and couldn’t take anymore. So don’t feel guilty about hurting him.
HE hurt you. Okay, he may be bleating , but it’s of his own making. He has chosen this. He would rather be sending meaningless texts than be with you.
@Betty:
My daughter received a marriage proposal: He got down on one knee, asked her to marry him, and when she said yes, he asked her if he could put the ring on her finger. And he did. They set a date that evening, and were married (beautiful wedding) 4 months later.
That’s a marriage proposal. No “If I could” involved. Just in case you can’t recognize it, sigh.
Any mention of the word “marriage” without the goods is just a ploy from the handy AC manual.
Good Luck and Stay strong!
at Betty
I finally realized, if my ex wanted, me, there would be NO excuses, so why beat a dead horse? I have previously been in a co-dependant rs where we were both depressives, but as I got better, we simply couldn’t keep co-habitating, we grew apart. It’s no good reason to be with someone, in my case at least. Good luck!
I feel like I’m going nuts… made some comment last night
about my ex’s crappy ‘I would marry you if I could’ text and my dad
got all ecxited and started telling me that I shouldn’t be hard on
him, etc. He basically turned into one of those old women that NML
mentions all the time, the ones who say ‘beggars can’t be choosers’
etc. He has no f’ing clue and I have no respect for his emotional
maturity (or lack thereof)… I guess it just saddens me that he
really doesn’t have my best interestes at heart because he thinks I
have to take what I can get. He likes to think that it’s my
flightiness and lack of decision-making that has got me to being
still unmarried. ARGH! Sorry, had to vent.
This is a great post.I have had NC for about 12 months but
I feel caught in the middle and a bit of a failure.I was just the
fall back girl which none of his friends knew about.( which says
alot ). I am 100% certain I will not contact him again and yet I
can’t move forward.I am still recovering from the financial and
emotional effects of the situation.I saw him the other day but I
changed direction so I didn’t cross his path but he has been on my
mind ever since.Baggage reclaim has been like having a personal
coach through this but I can’t stand the thought of feeling like
this forever.The thought of having another relationship is out of
the question,I feel nothing.I could make it work with him and I
can’t seem to make it work without him.Thanks for reading
Being the Fallback girl feels embarrassing; it really does. We’re usually held a secret, and if we are not, we are compartmentalized in the person’s life. But.you.must.get.over.this. This small portion of your life, this person does not define who you are.
And you can move forward. And you will. But it does take work. I truly feel that the only reason people get into sketchy relationship and fall into the Fallback status is because of lack of self-esteem. But when this happened to me, I didn’t feel like I had low self-esteem but truly I understand now that some part of me did not feel worthy of being loved and another part of me was afraid of being truly emotionally intimate with someone.
There are plenty of breakup books and books to help people raise their self-esteem. My favorite is Getting Past Your Breakup. But find one, read it, and do the exercises and your life will improve.
Do you have close friends? Activities you enjoy? I’m just afraid for you because the first time I ended things with the EUM it was a year and I still felt connected to him and it ended up with me talking to him again–which ended in disaster. Save yourself.
JW, it’s not that you can’t move forward, you can and will in time. If the tentacles of destruction stretch to financial too, that just adds to the difficulty you are experiencing. Of course you feel nothing now. You’re hurting, you’re struggling, and feel quite negative. I think you’re being incredibly hard on yourself and the fact is that if you extended the same courtesy to him (being hard on him) you’d be a lot further along. Fact is, you need to make peace with yourself instead of being angry and calling yourself a failure. We’re human, we make mistakes, we love inappropriate people and sometimes the costs stretch beyond our time and emotions. It’s a lesson learned and you need to be compassionate to you. You don’t *have* to feel like this forever, you don’t even have to feel like this for another week! Not loving again is about making the decision not to love or trust *you* again. Don’t give up on yourself or love. You must take care of you and work your way through the feelings, good, bad, and indifferent about what has happened so that you can move on.
JW,
What do you mean by the “financial effects?”
Oh, my how I wish I wish this had popped up over the
holidays while in the midst of recieving I miss you, I miss talking
to you, why won’t you talk to me type texts from a guy that I had
fallen for but months of going back and forth realized he was
nowhere near being able to give me what I required out of the
relationship. I caved after the first of year and spoke to him and
tried to carry on “casually” and it only made things worse and
ended with me feeling completely out of control and desperate. I am
slowly digging myself back out this second week of the New Year.
Actions sure do speak louder than words. It’s like this post was
writen with me in mind. Thank you!
Hi Perpetually Single. I’m sorry to hear what has happened. Think of it as you came, you saw, you realised it’s the same sh*t, different week. The mystery is over, you know that if you get in touch with him you won’t feel on top of the world and the next time you so much as feel tempted to get nostalgic or get in touch with him, remember *exactly* how you felt over this past week or so. Start looking forward and forget this has been. trust me, you won’t be the first or last woman to cut him off.
I really appreciate the blog…this has changed my life
…i had been with a married man for 8 years and he promised to
marry me…we dreamt of having a home, having kids…but at the
same time, he kept on building his own family…had three kids with
his wife….but used to spend weekends and vacations with me cuz i
was the fun partner…adventure partner …sex partner….finally,
i realized…i am on No COntact rule for the last one month and i
just daily recall all the things i hate about him…how he was
never available for my bdays, any festivals…i wish myself to be
strong and reading these blogs help clear the cobwebs in my minds
and bring me to reality.
Hi Aina, how awful for you. While I’m sure you had a lot of fun, the fact is, you did and do need more than being a plaything to slot between the gaps. I always wonder how the hell these guys can be dreaming about doing stuff with us when they’re in no *position* to be dreaming. It’s all pipe dreams anyway -creating the illusion of a future that is never going to materialise. He’s like one of those guys selling you a dodgy Time Share holiday home.
Or he is like one of those guys who goes fishing without a
license. Why on gods green earth do we keep biting? DON’T BITE.
I’ve done it twice back to back and it sucks. The next married man
that crosses my path had better watch out. The very night he starts
fishing without a license, his wife will get a text from me. I
won’t contact the current betrayed wife now because I betrayed her
and myself for two years. But married men beware, the night you
start fishing, your wife will be getting a text message from me
while you are trolling. Okay, so I’ve switched back into
anger…gracious grief is complicated. I had a choice, January of
2008. I made the wrong one.
Geezus, this is just AMAZING! Natalie, has, once gain, as
she always does with her direct and no-nonsense style of writing
and excellent communication skills, hit the proverbial nail on the
proverbial head! The bottom line is that if the guy LOVES you and
WANTS you, he WILL DO WHATEVER he needs to do to be with you. He
will COMMIT. COMMITMENT is not a bad word, but to hear men use it,
it sounds like a 4-letter word. How sad that is. Hopefully,
something will happen to society to get it back to where it used to
be prior to the Women’s Lib movement, the dirty sites on the
Internet for cheating on one’s partner, and so-called “restaurants”
like Hooters, which just sell sex and sexual images. How wonderful
it would be if women would stop sleeping around with men whom they
know have a wife or have a girlfriend and would stop sleeping with
single men who are NOT their husband or serious boyfriend with whom
they are in a MONOGAMOUS and EXCLUSIVE relationship.
Hi Terry. Indeed, commitment is not something that we have to drag blood out of a stone for. I should also emphasise that what I’ve written about here happens to both sexes. That said, I don’t feel that this is anything to do with Women’s Lib. Women have been sleeping with other women’s men since the beginning of time and cheating has also. Henry the 8th. This issue is about people and their lack of commitment to their emotions and the subsequent actions. It’s about low self-esteem, crap relationship habits, trying to have it all, thinking that there are lots of fish in the sea, but more importantly it’s about not having boundaries and standards.
This needs to be repeated every December! Without fail the
Bad Pennies of my life show up to touch base to see if I am still
an option in their pursuit of ego strokes from a generous woman.
There was a time I was flattered by this but now I see the game
they are playing. Emotionally mature beings don’t play this game
and I am committed to not playing with Boys. Years ago there was a
book about women who played Wendy to Peter Pans…..the boys who
would never grow up. When you see EUM throught the lens of a Peter
Pan ….it is easier to get out of the Never never Land of immature
men.
TOTALLY AGREE
ValleyForgeLady “Emotionally mature beings don’t play this game and I am committed to not playing with Boys. ” – I agree. The latter part is what will change your life. There will always be emotionally immature people out there but if you don’t participate and are committed to emotionally healthy partnerings, you are not at the mercy of their behaviour.
I was seeing a guy for almost 4 years. I broke it off after
that because I couldn’t deal with his lying and laziness anymore.
He lied to me about smoking, lied to me about making a move on
another woman (even though nothing happened), never had any
qualifications or a proper job and spent his nights playing video
games and days sleeping it off. Everything else was a priority
except me. After I broke it off with him, he became unstable. Tried
to commit suicide, hang himself, and was admitted into the mental
ward of a hospital. I then met an EUM whom I dated for 6 months
before he made me break up with him. I found out recently that it
was because of another girl. Anyway, my first ex got into contact
with me again – despite previously disrespecting my wishes for him
to leave me alone. And finally we talked, getting some closure.
I’ve told him that I don’t want to have a relationship with him,
that there is no possibility of having a relationship with him, but
I would like us to remain friends. He agreed but he said he still
loved me. The other night while talking… I said that I missed
him. I’m not sure why but I really felt that it was like how our
relationship first started out. I feel confused. Am I using this
man? Because I really don’t want to and want to do the right thing.
I know that I have leant on him for some support while going
through a tough breakup, but it’s not like we don’t talk or I don’t
hang out with him either. I’m not really sure what I’m doing but I
don’t want to hurt anyone… any advice? :S Thanks heaps in
advance.
Hi Riotgirl, I feel that you should step back before you say or do anything that is going to end up messing with this guys mind. First of all, it’s an inequitable friendship. You’ve said you can only be friends, he is in love with you – back off. You are creating hope and confusing him instead of letting him come to terms with the fact that a relationship is not going to happen. He thinks if he hangs around enough and shows you his love that you’ll be won over. Sound familiar? Don’t put people in situations you wouldn’t like to be in yourself, especially when the other person is emotionally fragile. It’s best not to start things you cannot follow through on.
Hi Natalie, thanks for the advice. I think I’m messed up at the moment and just need someone who was external to the situation to give me some perspective. Will definitely take that on board, thank you. 🙂
Terry, Your point of view was interesting. I’m not sure if
women’s liberation caused men and women to cheat on the partners.
It sure would be nice if women did stop sleeping with men with
girlfriends and wives as much as it would be fantastic if men
stopped shopping around for extra curricular sexual and non sexual
activities to boost their flagging egos. The issue is that people
who love you committ to you and they show it by their actions. Its
great to be able to blame people’s less than perfect actions on
circumstances like women’s liberation, sex websites etc, but
ultimately who you are with and the behaviour you tolerate and
accept is about the choices YOU make. you can either accept the
world as it is , imperfect or make better choices in your own life
about hwo you would like it to be.
After a year of NC with one of my ex EUMs, I contacted him (this was before the days of baggage reclaim!) and he said he missed me. We met up. A couple of weeks later he proposed. We were married within the year. I divorced him a year later because I didn’t actually like living with him. Hilarious.
Do we REALLY want to be with these men? Cos when you strip away the drama, anxiety, the chemisty, the ups and downs, the sweet lies, the dreams etc what do you actually have? Not a lot.
He says he misses you. It doesn’t mean what you think. You miss him – that, too, may not mean what you think!
Yes…sometimes if we really analyze those EUMs that we have pined for, we find out that we don’t really like them that much. One thing that I learned to ask myself….would I be comfortable with my daughter seeing his man? And you know, the answer for the EUM I’d been seeing was NO! That was a wake-up call, and a realization that I deserved so very much better than I was receiving.
And, then about four months after the break up, I met my husband, who is a wonderful person. If I had not had that realization, I would not only have wasted part of my 30s, but my 40s pining over someone who was not capable of commitment with me. I would have missed meeting my spouse, who I love so very much.
Also, my father told me something quite wise: If a man loves you and wants you in his life, he’ll slay the dragons, swim the moat, beat down the castle door to see you. While it is fine to ask a gentleman out, don’t do all the heavy lifting in the relationship. If it is hard labour now, what do you think it will be like if you ever do get together?
I guess I am writing this because I don’t want other women to waste years of their life taking crumbs or chasing after men that aren’t worth their time. Life is here to be enjoyed, not endured.
Thanks Natalie for this blog!
Its tough the Sunday night ‘I miss you’ text thing that trills within the hour of them leaving the front door. Its also such an inconclusive statement.
Every Monday my poor dog, having spent the weekend lying on, playing and walking with the ex EUM through woods or on beaches would pine for him and not eat breakfast till 3pm in the afternoon. I felt the same way its just animals are so expressive. That was maybe my final wakeup call. I said to Jack, (dog) yep I feel the way you do but he isn’t trying to change the situation so we can be together. He doesn’t miss us that much. No-one else was involved, he just wasn’t capable of giving me a complete relationship. He even said as much.
So ended it. Left London and started a new life. I want a man who is constant. Not one where my dog and I have major withdrawl symptoms because he only throws the odd crumb of affection. Gets his fix and disappears.
You will be glad to know the dog and I are no longer anxious. We are happy and peaceful, glowing in the radiance of a log fire. Lets see 9 months split and only the one NC blip, so NC 4 months. Hoorah I did not contact him on his birthday, and kept NC Christmas and NY. It gets easier, it does. The urge lessens once you get through the first difficult one and survive it….good luck to everyone in 2011. New year, new start and new first date this week since the ex. woohoo. I will be LISTENING and asking lots of QUESTIONS. haha
Must say too with months of reflection, there are some very interesting things I don’t miss. Besides the crumb throwing and lack of intimate affection, I realised he was a creative hijacker. He never had an original idea so would nab mine and (others via flkr) claim them as his own. Its an odd thing throwing off a ball and chain. You feel like your inner creative child can now get on with her work safely without the fear of being sabotaged at the germination stage…..very powerful epiphany moment. No wonder he missed me, he could no longer access and steal my ideas.
Right on time again NML! For the past few days I have been mulling over my current situation. Guy is really a decent, hardworking guy. Too hardworking because he doesn’t have time for me except when he wants sex or a backrub. He’s not chasing anyone else because he spends all weekend working in his garage. I’m tired of sitting home alone and lonely all weekend.
Kim,
He sounds like a user to me.
Yup, a user. I figure if he wanted you, he’d overcome all
obstacles. We can still be lonely in a “relationship”.
Yes you’re both right. I just didn’t want to face it. Dang
it….
Its curious how all EUMs seem to follow the same pattern. My ex-EUM was bad at showing affection and I wouldn’t hear from him for days at a time. He was supposed to be getting married – but no sign of that anytime soon. Everyone says what a nice person he is – kind and caring and does lots for charity- but not so nice if you’re involved with him. Not nasty, just blowing hot and cold and unfeeling at times. After my Christmas experience of breaking NC I’ve stayed away. I’ve had a couple of texts ‘speak soon’ and ‘not feeling good’. Don’t know if the latter refers to his health or his treatment of me! When I think about our ‘relationship’ logically it makes no sense at all. He couldn’t stay the night because he had to feed the dogs; never bought me a Christmas or birthday present, yet sent flowers to female colleagues when they were ill. Bizarre. NC is the only way to go now. I have a really nice guy interested in taking me out – sent me flowers and bought a Christmas present for me. But I’m not at all interested and find myself irritated by it. Why couldn’t the EUM have done that! Just wish I didn’t miss him so much at times- but I know he’s no good and will have his harem of options to fall back on.
@Shattered: the sad thing is when we’re with these types of guys, we’re last on their list. I’m sure if he didn’t have the dog to feed, he would have come up with another excuse for why he couldn’t stay with you -its all excuses, excuses excuses.
Shattered, a nice guy has bought you a christmas present and sent you flowers – that’s more than your ex ever did. why not go on a date with him? maybe you don’t feel up to it and that’s understandable.
These texts “not feeling good and “speak soon” are quite manipulating i think. I wouldn’t read too much into them if i were you, in fact, look on them as a pinch of salt you throw over your shoulder.
The only way forward is no contact.
OMG the same with me. It’s like the guy can’t show to much affection. Mine is smart, hardworking, motivated but always too busy for me. New Year’s Eve and New Year’s day he was walking around on his property and went to visit his ex-in-laws. Didn’t do anything with me which hurt my feelings. I didn’t say anything either because I thought I would come off sounding like a baby. This last weekend he spent working on a car. The entire weekend! I would think he doesn’t want anything to do with me…. until he calls or texts and tells me what he did all day. Looks more and more like friends with benefits which I don’t want.
Kim,
Ask yourself why you’re in such a one-sided situation- I can’t even call this arrangement a relationship, as it seems to be a very convenient for him. And you’re right, it is a FWB arrangement.
At first it was different and we did alot together. Known
each other for years and years. Talked of living together. I used
to go with him to the garage, etc. but he never wanted to do the
things I liked. I suppose it is because I was lonely and had been
alone for a long time.
Kim, Don’t sacrifice for loneliness! This is a bad
situation where you are clearly being used for sex. I haven’t been
with anyone in three years, but I keep very active. I’m not lonely.
Don’t sacrifice your dignity for a few hours of someone’s time.
Remember, someone else cannot fulfill you, you have to fulfill
yourself.
@Shattered: yup, the ex did that to me too. He claimed I
lived too far, that he was always “busy”, yet later tell me he was
chilling at home all day….whatever, the point is not the reason,
the point is that they don’t value us, so ditch him and go NC. It’s
almost 5 months for me. I went NC after my birthday where he also
was MIA- so screw him. It wasn’t meant to be, so be it. I really
liked him, so it’s hard to let go, but I’ve come a long way in 5
months- give it a try.
Thanks NML, I Definitely agree with your statements. I
think that going our own ways is the only option too. Im just in so
much pain, which is why I reopened contact. I feel happier than
before now that im on my own because Im finally working on myself.
He is disconnected from himself. I am that way as well, im slowly
working back to reality and being connected. I do want a genuine
relationship. I dont want drama anymore, its causing me more pain.
I do have feelings for my ex and he still does as well. I did
realise my lack of self love too, I loved him more than I loved
myself. Its just an unhealthy relationship. I feel as though we
have been putting off feeling the pain of the loss of the
relationship. What else do you think NML?
I’ve been reading on this site for over a year, trying to get out from under a “relationship” that is clearly not all I’ve cooked it up to be. It’s been hard – this man is really a special person, but unfortunately, not ready, willing or able to be with me, in an actual 2-way, terrestrial relationship.
I’ve done all the things that NML has explained – fantasized, made excuses, hid behind the idea of us and our imagined future, and ignored the reality. It’s painful when you’ve got yourself all cozy with denial and curling up in these luscious fantasies, then you just get to the point that you know, in your head, that to feel alive, you need to stick your head out into the world and get it over with.
This post somehow just rang the bell for me. The obstacle not an event, a situation, a thing – the obstacles in the relationship are the people.
In thinking about that, I know in my case, the obstacles were both him and me. It’s sad to let them go, it’s very hard when you’ve built a beautiful picture box around them. But it’s almost a peaceful realization that we have to go on, move on, and feel the real world – it’s hard, but it’s real, and we’re strong enough to handle it.
Thanks Natalie for your post and for all your wise words. I hope you know how much you help….
Breakingbad, your comment is so sad and describes how I
feel. I’m so sorry that you’ve gone through it too… and at the
same time I feel so encouraged to know I’m not the only one. What
you say about him being a really special person… that’s the thing
I’ve been saying and feeling while reading this site. Sometimes
it’s easy to see NML’s no-nonsense approach as too harsh. My ex
isn’t an arse-clown, he’s a scared, confused, flawed human being,
who just has never pushed himself out of his comfort zones to face
his issues. However, NML is right. We don’t have to stay and put up
with it, and if we do it’s often because we haven’t looked at
ourselves adequately. Anyway, I’m rambling. We can get past this,
and the special person with all of his unique qualities will, I
hope, fade into a mostly happy set of memories.
Thanks Betty 🙂 it is somehow a comfort that others are
experiencing the same things, isn’t it? I wish it wasn’t the case,
but it really helps to share it with someone who understands. I
guess it really took me quite awhile to get settled on the idea
that I can still feel my ex is a very special person. It took
forever trying to match up being so hurt and frustrated at him on
one hand, and then idealizing him on the other hand. It seemed like
I was trying to split him in 2 and could only think of him as
either perfect or crap. Eventually, I finally realized that he is a
really amazing person, and we shared such a great connection and
friendship and romance. It made it really hard to acknowlede the
other side – painful communication skills that made it impossible
for us to sort through things effectively, his inability to plan or
deliver on what he said he wanted for us, the way that he would
come and go based on whether or not he wanted to deal w/ me. But
most importantly how poorly I was able to tell him what I needed in
those situations that kept us in a loop of doom…. So the reality
is that he is special, and he is amazing, and we had alot of very
strong connection points, it just couldn’t happen because there
were two great people in the wrong relationship. Anyway, for me
this blog made it clear to me that there was a part of him (and us)
that I was refusing to see, which is sometimes harsh medicine and
sometimes just a different perspective. But we have to see it or we
keep idealizing and not acknowledging what we need to do to stop
and break a cycle that has us obviously tied up. Really, if my
relationship was really that special and amazing, I wouldn’t be on
baggage reclaim! In the end, the answer is I guess we’re all
flawed, and we’re all amazing in our own ways 🙂
@Breakingbad: I think you’re giving your guy way too much credit. You think thought he’s special. I can guarantee you in time to come, once you stick with nc, you won’t think he’s special at all.
I know how easy it is to think they’re special, i thought the very same thing but when the light began to shine on who he really was and when i was close to cracking myself, i realised i had built up a whole lot of illusions around the whole rs – how it could be with us, etc. “if only he’d sort out his baggage and be with me properly”, bla bla bla and I had built him up into a person he was not. So i think we can do that- we can build someone up in our minds to be Mr. Perfect and put them on a pedestal.
And remember, no-one is perfect, we all have our flaws but these types of men really mess with your life and that’s wrong. If a guy can’t and doesn’t want a rs, they shouldn’t be with a woman. full stop.
I met a guy out recently (we had a few dates a few years ago) – i met him out one night before Christmas and he gave me real attention and lovely compliments but he told me flat out that he’s not ready and does not have time for a relationship as he’s just out of a five year rs and has a son with this woman and his son is his priority now.
So, guys know deep down when they can’t give in a relationship and opt out and don’t mess with your life then – that shows integrity and honesty which is more that what can be said for these mr. unavailables.
@ audrey, I think you’re probably right, I’m giving him too
much credit. In alot of ways, he’s a complete tool, no doubt about
that. There are some days I wish I had never met him. I’m just
happy that this post came up, it helped me to shift more
responsibility to myself, and not make him out to be this poor dude
who just can’t get over these unfair obstacles. I think that’s your
point also. He’s not a poor dude, he’s doing exactly what suits
him….
How weird! I was just thinking about this subject
yestersay. My ex of 4 and half years we split in 2008 after I
sabotaged our relationship by jumping ship with an EUM (yes these
issues have been and are continually addressed). The relationship
with the EUM lasted over a year ish, although it was more of a
casual one off BS thing. It took me a while to shake that messed up
guy off! ( I was pretty messed for a bit too altohugh mine was
temporary his on the other hand….). I had to change my number
otherwise I would still probably have his ‘I Miss you’ texts coming
to my inbox whenever his new girl isnt playing ball. My ex of of 4
and half years moved on quite quickly and moved in with his new
girl after 6 months or so. We had a few meetings where we discussed
getting back together (while he was with her!) but he never sounded
serious, there was a lot of me saying it and him saying it but not
to happen, once he did seem more serious but I backed off because I
still did not believe him. He did text me every so often to say he
missed me or something reminded him of us, I did a similar thing
(altohugh at some point I was actually serious about wanting to try
again) but it was too late. I told him not too entertain it as I
would need to get over our relationship it as I caused the break in
the first place. Now he still texts me every now and then saying
‘hi how are you’ even this limited communication i dont feel
comfortable with. I text him back saying that I’d prefer it if he’d
leave me alone, he seemed hurt by it but I feel as though its what
I NEED to do. Its been over 2y eras and I need NC with him even
though he was a decent guy and I geniuinely messed up my future
with im. I have to live with that.
NK This guy is not that terrific. While he was with someone
else he was flirting and propositioning you. If you had not “messed
up” he would be with you and propositioning someone behind your
back. That’s what he does. And even if you had genuinely messed up
all on your own (which I don’t believe for one minute) there are
other men out there. Don’t punish yourself forever over your
perceived crime. People mess up, doesn’t mean they have to spend
the rest of their lives grieving, alone and celibate . If we all
believed that the human race would die out.
Hi Grace, My ex of 4 years he was a decent guy, I trusted
him and I know and felt how respectful he was. I do not believe
that he would be propositioning someone else behind my back when we
were together. Truth is we started to drift apart, we were very
young and our relationship got intense. Most of the time when I was
with him It was good, but I started to feel suffocated and wanted
to leave as I wanted to live some life on my own. I also had to
face some fmaily issues and I felt like I needed to do it alone,
that relationship was a distraction. But instead of breaking up
with him respectfully I jumped in bed with a EUM,Im aware I was a
EUM too, but this guy was the ultimate EUM lol. We broke up, within
a month my Ex was on holiday with another girl, 8 months later he
was living with her. He did ask for me to go back to him and I told
him no. After some time I changed my mind and missed him and
regretted my actions. He was now living with his girlfriend. He
seemed like he wanted me back, but was never serious. I thank you
for your comment and I have worked on forgiving myself for that
situation. It justs I left him, I started seeing the EUM and tried
to get on my feet independently, but I kept running back to the EUM
for horrible treatment. It was a terrible year and as much as I
know the issues behind it, I did cause all that pain, im adult and
I have to take responsibility for it and learn from it. The text I
received from my ex the other day just reminds me of that and so
the polite texts he send, checking up on me or whatever (he says he
will always see as special and care about me) I am aware that I did
break his heart, that is a FACT. I’ve dated a lot of guys in the
last two years and him comfortable dating or not dating, I’ve
completely got other important things to deal with like my life! if
the right guy comes along in the mix, well helllo! if not then
bring on the new experiences. It is hard when all your mates are
settling down though. Anyone need support for single women im
thinking of starting a group lol
Just to add, I know that my Ex should not of been
contacting me when he had a new girl, obviously something wasnt
completely right with that relationship otherwise I would not have
left, so I know that , that bit of it it not entirely my fault. I
have questioned whether he had really moved on with his new girl,
but if he hasnt then thats his issue now. If his texts are
genuinely only about keeping in contact then i may have been a
little rude and disrespected his efforts, but it could also be a
way of him keeping hold of me and me being an option if things dont
work out with his girl. Im not sure which one it is but im not
being contact with him to find out. Life moves on.
Yeah don’t fall for that idea that there is something wrong with their relationship. It’s not the relationship that’s the problem-it’s the guy who has problems. Anyone who is still with someone else and starts to get involved with another has a problem-and the problem is within themselves.
This post is right on. Hi everyone, I too got the “I miss
you can’t wait to be with you” texts all the time from my EUM but
the thing was he was in another country at the time so it worked so
well for him, meanwhile I totally believed it! Talk about him being
in a total comfort zone for him: See I have a great excuse why we
can’t be together! He would promise me that when he came home we
would have awesome times together but it never happened. I was
lucky if I got several hours of his time. I have now been on NC for
17 days and he his currently home visiting. I sent him a break up
letter on Dec. 26. Part of me is happy he hasn’t called but the
other side is hurt and angry….it’s such a reality check when they
totally go cold on you. This is the first time ever that he has not
contacted me the minute he gets off the plane. I am staying strong
and know that God wants me rid of this fool!
Wow. Thank you so much…I kind of needed that.
Hi All, Hey Natalie I just wanted to say thanks for all the
great work you are doing. You lay it out there in such an easy to
understand format. I’m been so greatful for your ebook…..It has
provided such clairity as to why I behave the way I do. After a 4
month relationship, a broken heart and disillusionment I have been
no contact for 4 days. Today I got my first email from my EUM, It’s
tough to not respond but through the work you have done and the
work and soul searching I am doing I’m keeping it REAL and I’m
going to make it work for ME! :”)
Thanks for everyone’s comments. I’m giving all men a wide
berth for a while! My first husband cheated on me with several
flings so I left him and brought up our son alone. Then I met a
wonderful man, we got married and were very happy. Sadly he died
and after a while I met the EUM who was very charming and caring-
at first. Then typical Assclown behaviour, blowing hot and cold,
changing arrangements at the last minute and a harem of female
‘friends’ I broke up with him several times but we always seemed to
get back together. Nothing ever changed though. This time I’m
determined to stay NC. had a text from him last night relating what
he’d been doing – as if nothing had happened! The thick skin of
these Assclowns is unbelievable. he phoned me too but I ignored it,
so he’ll just move on to another of his options. I feel quite angry
and bitter as its sunk in that I meant nothing to him. But will
keep busy and do my best not to dwell on things. I’ve got over
worse so I know I’ll get over this idiot.
@shattered: good for you for ignoring him. keep it up:-))) you’ll feel better in time. If you feel tempted to respond, just remember all the times he was “too busy” to see you. Meanness seems to be a common trait with these guys .
Not hearing from him from days at a time is typical eum/ac behaviour – that’s just how they operate -its not that he was bad at showing affection.
Your deserve better and he’s not worthy of your love. xoxo
Awesome article. Yes, the ole “I’ll break up with you and
still try to mess with your head game”… been a part of that whole
scenario over the past few months. I went NC in April 2010 with my
ex AC. I didn’t contact him for 5 months and during that time he
called and left hang ups on my voicemail at work and even hung up
on me when I answered the phone one time. This was all from
unidentifiable numbers, but I knew it was him. Then in October he
decided to contact me after my birthday to say “happy birthday” …
I was under the weather and feeling a little down at the time, and
I ill advisedly responded with a “thanks”. Well, this obviously
gave him the green light, he has contacted me a few times since, I
have just responded basically with yes and no answers. His latest
was a voicemail wishing me a happy holidays just before Christmas.
I said thanks and nothing more. I have realized that responding to
him is a waste of my time. I have to stop being the polite “nice
girl” and thinking that I shouldn’t be mean when someone says
something nice to me (geez I should blame my parents for this one,
always telling me to be so damn polite LOL). Through Nat’s article
above I have come to realize that even just responding to this guy
is probably giving him a thrill or an ego stroke. He is just lining
me up to be in some sort of a fallback harem. I am too good for
that, in fact I have come to realize I am just plain way to good
for HIM! I have made a resolution that when he inevitably puts on
his nice guy act and contacts me again I am going to ignore him.
Time to put me first and leave this guy in the dust. Nat is right,
anyone that truly misses you will work hard to honestly get you
back into their life! They won’t give you a lazy “I miss you” text
or some other lame thing. Cheers, TJ
After all the emotional turmoil and pain my AC/EUM/narc
knows he put me through, all he has said (via email) since I ended
it is how much he misses my curvy arse and how hard he still gets
at the thought of me naked. I’m keeping that email (2/1/11) and
re-read it each time I need a reminder of what a cold-hearted,
unempathetic, selfish, tactless, uncaring bastard he really is and
how much love/care/attention/time/effort/concern/tears/money I
wasted on him. I’ve been thinking of him and getting heartache,
yearning, uncontrollable sobbing. He’s been thinking of me and
getting a hard-on. Ugh.
“I’ve been thinking of him and getting heartache, yearning, uncontrollable sobbing. He’s been thinking of me and getting a hard-on. Ugh” – This, will certainly go in my list of all time favourite comments WastedLove.
This ladies (above) is what’s known in as a major boot in the arse (read: reality check). Now you know what you *really* mean to him and as you feel differently, it’s an inequitable pairing. You (WastedLove) have been mourning the loss of something, that is to the other party, a booty call.
Just an enquiry, to clear up meanings. Would you still call
something a booty call when involved 2.5 years of going out,
meeting his folks, spending plenty of non-sex time together, going
on holidays, outings, the usual relationship activities?
Wasted, It doesn’t matter what it was in the past, what’s
important now, is that he only sees you as a booty call. Let this
go!
A booty call is basically a ‘relationship’ based around sex and isn’t always a mutual arrangement. Typically used to refer to someone who calls up with the aim of getting laid, even if they put frills like dinner, drinks, gifts, and sweet nothings, the term also can be used it refer to when someone treats you like a booty call even though there is seemingly a relationship. i.e they see you in sexual terms.
Plenty of people who are booty calls get some confusing other stuff like gifts and being introduced. I know one guy who has introduced every single booty call to his parents and that’s a lot of women.
However, there is something else that someone else can be especially when they are introduced to other people but the net result is for example being used for sex or them shagging around on you and it’s a ‘beard’.
In this situation the beard sends a message to the ‘user’ (him/her) and anyone they introduce you to that they’re ‘normal’ ‘committed’ ‘fitting in’ but it’s just for show. You can also be someone to ‘pass time with’ – again it’s a similar net result.
Ultimately if you’re the person that you describe and your idea of a relationship is at odds with his and he sees it as sexual, none of the other stuff matters.
If someone sees what you have together in sexual terms, they are treating you like a booty call. It doesn’t matter about the stuff they do around it to get their needs met if the objective is to get laid and to ensure they keep getting laid (and an ego stroke etc).
Also if you were a girlfriend before but are a booty call now, you’re not a girlfriend who is doing a temporary demoted job – you’re a booty call.
I hear from lots of women in these arrangements – if they’re happy to play along and don’t ask for or want more than is on offer, all fine. But 99% want more. Maybe it’s time you made up your mind.
Ok the EUM is in town and has been calling me like crazy. I
texted him to say stop calling me. His tone was “don’t be silly I
just got off the plane and want to see you” Wrote back No and don’t
call me silly this is not a game. then he says ok, your choice but
you usually are sweet. That got me so mad. Wrote back Yes I am
sweet which means I need to be treated nice and with respect. Those
are my last words to him! He keeps texting but I’m not answering
for a change!!! Thank God for this site. I would be probably
rushing around the house getting ready for my “hour” of time by
now…
AA, Please don’t respond to anymore communication. It’s
fruitless!
Hang in there. I’m rooting for you. Once those “couple
hours” pass, he’ll be gone to Mexico, without you. Stay strong and
in your integrity.
Agathangel
Good for you – you are doing the right thing for yourself. I love the “you usually are so sweet”!! Really means: you usually let me take the total piss out of you! When my ex EUM put me on a punsihement no-text, no-call diet my pal used to say to me ‘oh dear what did you do to him – did you take your fluffy bunny slippers off for a minute!’
And that’s what he sees – you’re not such good fun now that you are seeing the light and have taken your fluffy bunny slippers off… not so appealing now that you have expectations of being treated with some care and respect…
Once he has gone to Mexico without you, you will be well glad you gave him the elbow for his few hours of fun and fluff… focus on how you’d have felt about yourself if you had seen him before he trots of to Mexico leaving you behind.
All the very best! F
hey Natalie … i’m back again. I wish it were under
different circumstances. How many times have i done this to myself?
Too many to count. I went back to AC after 3 months of NC and it
lasted – about 3 months. In the beginning of our “reconnection” I
held my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Know what he
told me? That is was “really okay” for me to “relax and enjoy” what
we had and to not see “disaster around every corner”. I took that
as a sign that he was really going to stay this time and foolishly
did relax. All it took was for another holiday to come around – led
up to by a couple of his friend’s/family member’s weddings and/or
childbirths. It was like he never said what he did … in a way, I
think he was trying to fool even himself. When I thought that this
last time was “different” – I realized it wasnt at all. after 3
months of NC, it was I (again) would opened the door. He had tried
communicating and I ignored him. Then for some stupid reason, I
thought I was “over it” and began a conversation that led to us
“dating” again. So embarrassing how it all went down – he managed
to get a shag and his Christmas gifts before he told me, this was
going to ever work. He just could not have a relationship with a
woman who “already had a family of her own.” … back to my kids.
The line in the sand from the beginning. How could he be so cruel?
How could I be so foolish? 4 years of my life wasted – but even
worse than that. 4 years of damage done to my self-esteem, ego and
more. When I was 11 years old, I thought it was the coolest thing
to be 11. There was no real reason – my home life was bad. I just
really liked that number. Well, it’s 2011 – there’s my number. I
have no clue why I find comfort in it. It makes no sense, but I do.
2010 was a horrible year. There were many losses, from my good
friend who died from breast cancer on Jan. 22, 2010 to my best
friend of a dog, Bob – that I had to put to sleep… I have made a
promise to myself (and my beautiful children) that 2011 is going to
be MY YEAR. I made 3 resolutions that I would like to share with
all you who have suffered like me: 1. Stay Positive – no matter
what is going on around me or to me, I can have a good attitude for
my own sanity 2. Be Thankful Everyday – when I wake up and before I
go to sleep, I can thank God and the Universe for the good things I
do have, the friends who do care and the people who do love me 3.
Stand Up for Myself – there is absolutely NO Reason for me to take
bullshit off other people, no matter who they are or what their
reason. If I dont respect myself, who will? So, sorry for the
length of this post – my venting. I feel better. Who cares if the
AC misses me – he should freakin miss me! I deserve more. We all
do.
Amen AnnieD. I’m with you 100%, down to the “family of my own” issue 🙁 Someone who loves you should embrace you and your life entirely, including any children from previous relationships.
My ex was like this… He was too messed up to be with me,
but liked to build up the fantasy and tell me how much he missed me
after we were broken up and I was trying to get over it. One night
he called and went on and on how much he misses me and I was the
best thing to ever happen to him. Then he said, “I hope you stay
single while I get my sh#t togehter.” WHAT??? I said,”And what
exactly are you doing to get your sh#t together?” He laughed.
Laughed! SO I told him that was the meanest thing he could say to
me (he laughed some more), and I will not be waiting around for
him, and I find it sad that he is willing to let the ‘best thing
that ever happened to him’ go to another man. He then said he
realizes he is taking that chance, but no one will love me as much
as he does. HA! I said,”Someone will love me more, and he will
actually BE with me!” I told him I think it is rude that he wants
me to be single, listening to his words that can never be backed up
with actions while he is out doing whatever he wants and who knows
what. What a jerk. This assclown wanted to miss me and “love me
from afar.” I told him he can do what he wants, but I will not play
along. Nothing in that for me except drama. Figuring out how to
block emails was one of the best things I have ever done. No more
getting caught up in the,”well then why aren’t we together” trap.
He stopped texting or calling after I sent him an email telling him
how I was on to his games and was done and was blocking him. He
texted on my birthday, but I ignored it. You are right, they can
talk up a storm about how much they love and miss you, but they
still are incapable of being with you– and are probably doing
nothing about what keeps them from you. And if we buy into it and
want to play along, then we have a lot to learn about ourselves.
Thank you for this site!
Hey Girls (all of you deserving women). I met Assclown 18
months ago (June 2009). For the first three months he was seeing
two other women behind my back while telling me that he was only
seeing me! When I found out, I told him to continue to see them and
I would date around too. His fear of losing me to someone else made
him dump these other two women and bring me fully into his life. We
were a couple around family, friends, business associates and
social groups. Fast forward 9 months later. I found relationship
texts on his phone from one of the women over the summer ( a
complete accident, I truly trusted him!). I got extremely angry and
lashed out expecting him to run to me with apologies. Instead, he
went straight to her house that night and spent the entire summer
with her (always, of course calling me and texting how much he
missed me). I was reachable but very insulting to him. In
September, he blew Extremely Hot (after he heard I was dating
someone at his level). He cried, on his knees, on my kitchen floor
begging for a second chance. I fell for his pleas and demanded he
go into therapy. His therapist immediately put him on a NO CONTACT
RULE with every woman (including me)! What I realized later was
that the therapist attempted to put him on the NC to protect me and
other women from him while he straightened his own shit out! We
went artificially NC because we would occasionally talk deeply
about our love and shag. In December, I found out that he was
seeing this other woman the whole time we were in therapy! I broke
up again. Then came the hot blowing…marriage, “No woman has ever
touched my heart like you”, “I can’t stop thinking of you!” “You
deserve better!!!!” ” You and I can bring love and happiness to all
of our family and friends!” ” I will never mess up a great
relationship again!” “I will show you with ACTIONS not words what
you mean to me!” “I’ll show you so much, you’ll say Enough!” He
showed me action alright! He spent Christmas with her, cancelled a
holiday vacation with me and took her instead and spent New Year’s
Eve with her (ringing in the New Year together). The week after his
vacation with her, he was trying to get together with me to
celebrate MY birthday……meeting him for a cocktail…not a
loving vacation!!!! I know what you’re thinking….he loves her so
save yourself and get out of their way. I found out through the
course of all of this that he has been seeing her on and off
(yo-yo) for 3 years. She is his escape from more quality
relationships that he fears need or expect something from him (a
creation of his own lies). She is his ‘hidden ‘ FallBack Girl. He
won’t intoduce her to friends, family, business associates or
social contacts….that was my job! She puts up with this because
it is her only way to have him….she hopes that if she puts up
with it long enough (more years out of her life) her reward will be
that she will eventually be the last woman standing and somehow win
an entrance into his private world that has been denied to
her….by default. She will not give up on that dream so she will
be available to him every time he calls…possibly forever. She’ll
never go away…. Thank God for the information I received from
Natalie!! Saved my life, my time and my future! I understand WHO I
am dealing with now. It’s funny, I came to realize that the only
time he blew Super Hot was when he was in fear of losing me to
another man. So, instead of meeting him for a ‘special birthday
cocktail’, I instead told him that I had met someone else during
the holidays!! When he started to blow Hot Hot Hot I had already
(on my end) gone into NC and disappeared into thin air. Whatever
steam he needed to blow in my direction to get back in control will
just have to stay trapped in his chest while I go my merry way into
permanent NC! I want better for my future and I deserve a partner
who makes better choices for me!
HM Aw, I can see exactly where this went wrong – in the
beginning of course. As soon as you found out he was seeing two
other women it was time to cut and run, not stay and reason with
him. It worked but these tactics only work temporarily. They are
still the same person and will revert to type. He shouldn’t WANT to
see other women, he shouldn’t be nagged into stopping, or
manipulated, or whatever. It annoys me when I see so-called experts
suggesting women should communicate better, follow the rules, play
hard to get, act like bitches whatever. I can’t be bothered with
that. No more, first sign of major disrespect and I’m outta there!
So sorry to hear what you have been through but so glad you’ve seen
the light.
Grace, you are SOOO right! It was wrong in the beginning. When it is wrong in the beginning….it never ‘gets right’! I have learned that lesson and have walked away from many red flag behaviors in men since. Many more losers than winners….I guess that’s why they’re available’. Thanks for your reply. HM
The last guy I dated did this to me recently. It ended because he was hot and cold and would stand me up. He only wanted me to come over when it was very late at night. 4 months later he texts me saying he misses me. Yet he still went back to his old behaviour and asked me to come over late at night. I told him that I wasn’t a bootycall and that he knows that I want more. I never received another reply from him. I knew if I went over there late at night, he would charm me again. Then be in a hurry to get rid of me the next day. Sad.
Hey Fedup. I can see why you picked the name Fedup. I would be too. You sound like a very nice girl with a heart ready for love and good things. Late night visits are beneath you and completely unrewarding when it comes time to leave. Please don’t let this guy ‘use’ you. Your company is worth so much more than that! HM
Thanks HM, I cut him off but it wasn’t easy. He charms me in and then leaves me high and dry. It didn’t take long until I’d had enough
My ex left me at the beginning of October and has made it very difficult for me to communicate my feelings about the break up. It was a lonely Christmas and due to a poor response to my emotions on his part, I went no contact with him on December 26th. After ten days he contacts me claiming he is broken hearted too and “misses” me, hopes in a few months we can be “friends’ when it’s not so fresh, yada yada.(via email only because he is one of those cowardly and lazy communicators). I email him back a massive reply laying it out for him since I had his attention. Within an hour, he surprisingly arrives right at my door. (had seen him once before that in a two month span) He tells me he is still in love with me, misses me all the time yet still wraps up the pointless venture by concluding that he is still on his own journey and doesn’t plan on returning to the relationship. Why on earth did he need to come over and tell me this yet again? And of course, he hasn’t spoken to me since..I can only assume his efforts came out of a huge shock that I hadn’t been gnawing at his heels to illicit some emotional response for more than three days.. So his ego suffered. I think some men who think they are missing or loving a lady they left are really confusing their hearts with their egos and sadly.. if a lady really loves a man,sometimes she sacrifices her ego to get to his heart. I’m one of these ladies guilty of being a crumb collector because I am a total slave to my heart. I believe some guys make mistakes, they realize what they lost and then they start to miss but it’s really poor form to say it to the heartbroken and not back it up. So, I am going no contact again but this time, I am changing my phone number and my email address so there is no lazy communication option. There was an era when a man had to swim oceans and climb mountains to get to his queen. I wouldn’t put him through that much! but he can do far more than he is doing to support his supposed feelings of missing me that consist of sporadic brief visits, texts or emails. I’m really so tired of lazy love and feel if he is really the man for me, I should be worth the effort to him and his actions should certainly back up his words.
i want to say to those who lament their EX EU OR AC has not called, or texted or emailed since NC … it’s really a blessing. i was happy cutting contact and not looking at texts to see if he texted. he did many times after NC, but only because i was not in contact. in the rel., often he would not text me back. so it shows what the relationship was really all about.
but now that we are having a tug-of-war over me coming to retrieve some things, i am feeling lousy again, anticipating the meeting et al and then must face the final, final end. no more “come get your stuff” as an excuse to see one another.
however, i find him being in touch constantly about me coming to get my things … just sends me back into that realm … and i am less happy than when i first initiated NC and was floating along without input from him. it’s validation yes … but it also drags you back into that mess, tieing you again.
NC has released me from that horrible crazy making where i wondered when i would hear from him again and feeling nuts when he would not call or moreover, text. it’s hard as hell, i miss him, but at times the relationship antics were enough to send me over a cliff … and that can’t be good.
being in contact means once again having to fight it off, making you vulnerable to them which means before you know it you are miserable as hell, feeling low and unattractive and powerless.
Lynne
He doesn’t have that much power over you – he has as much power as you give him. First of all, do you really want the stuff? Second, if you do, take a friend with you, grab it and go. I got “back together” (ie ended up being used as a bootycall) when I returned to the scene of the crime to retrieve stuff. There is no need for a lot of texting. Just “I’ll come over on x day at y time with z person to get my stuff”.
I agree!
You’re putting some much energy into this.
Either forget the stuff, or pick it up with a friend. It’s finished, and you can get back to a peaceful self!
Lynne,
do you really need that stuff at all? My ex has something that was my mothers. I have chosen to forget it. Its just “stuff”. Truth is I don’t want to get into amy more dialogue about things and you accept its just a reason to break NC. So you can just choose to walk away if its not such important stuff.
I agree with Grace who said:
” He doesn’t have that much power over you – he has as much power as you give him. ”
and in fact YOU have as much power as you give YOU. Give yourself the power to walk away from this stuff and get on with your life.
p.s on looks …
i think that the best way to look good is when you are taking care of yourself emotionally, romantically and even financially … along with good nutrition, water and exercise. because like the story of dorian gray, ALL of how you live, shows up in your looks. we all age … that’s what humans do. so accept it but look your best at any age by being a responsible person who always does the next right thing.
Well, I did it. I broke NC and sucked it and saw. I was working on my marriage and family lecture and ran across the song “We Belong Together”. It was our song and I sent it to him. He immediately responded and we talked yesterday and today. Before he called, I read this and the “Suck it and See” articles 100 times (I have them memorized). Yesterday’s conversation was so true to form. I miss you, I miss you, I love you, we were so good together blah, blah. It did feel good to hear him relate story after story about how much he thinks of me, misses me, and loves me. I related my own miss you and love you too stories. Every time he said it, I thought, then do something about it. Today’s conversation was the “Suck and See” experience and I slowed my roll. I kept turning the I miss you stories back to then do something about it. I asked how things were with his wife and if he was working on his marriage. “Maybe, I don’t know what I’m doing, things have been crappy for so long, I’m not around much” were his responses. I struck a balance between the polite and not so polite. It is so absolutely true. If he wanted to be with me hiking, listening to reggae, and bbqing, he would. He got the message that those things are no longer an option with me as long as he is married. Jog on. I sensed he was angling for the fall-back option and wasn’t much interested in discussing his wife. I was more interested in discussing his wife and marriage rather than being the fall-back other woman. I was even able to suggest that these phone calls were inappropriate. I felt a little crummy though since I broke NC. (He had apparently called on what would have been our 3rd anniversary but it was late, I was alseep, missed the call, and didn’t notice since it came from an “unknown number”, not his cell.)
I feel so oddly better and can’t figure out why. After we hung up, I went to the store bought my favorite beer (Bodingtons) which became our favorite beer, turned on my reggae (which became ours too) for the first time since he left in December, and I’m sitting in my backyard enjoying the sunshine, again. I may even fire up the grill. What happened? It feels like the fog has lifted a little bit. He needs to stop missing me or jog on with his crummy marriage. I hope this feeling lasts!
Sucked it a Saw…I miss you, I miss you but I’m not going to do anything to be with you. That should be a song! Lively up yourself, you don’t need a drag is a song and a good one.
I’m not that woman, the other woman and back on the NC wagon. Thank you Natalie for these articles and all the wonderful folks who have posted.
I was actually *cough* slightly misty eyed by the end of your comment. I’m just so relieved you have seen the light. The next time you feel nostalgic or even tempted to reach out to him, remember what you’ve learned this weekend. (((hugs))) enjoy your beer and reggae. It’s yours.
Thank you Natalie. For the first time since he left in December, it feels like my house is my house again and my things are my things. This weekend was a near miss though. They are so good with the fall-back thing and he is persistent. Persisent with needing a shoulder to lean on, fun times, and a shag, that is. I cannot believe how great you are at this stuff. The intense pain, darkness, and despair of going back to being the other woman and all your articles and all the posts kept my hands steady on the wheel. Oh yeah, and actually being gently honest was helpful too. Apparently, MM’s don’t like to talk much about their wife and marriage with an ex-mistress! The pain of being without him is tremedous. The pain of being the other woman is unspeakable. Thank you for giving us a place to heal. I’ll remember how good he is at getting his needs met at the expense of me.
“The pain of being without him is tremedous. The pain of being the other woman is unspeakable.”
I remember locking myself away for months and months. This turned into years. Years of crying, years of longing. Locked in pain.
I had my moment with him again last year and I am so grateful for it. Realising he is stuck, empty. He’s is half the man I met years ago. Sadness and his seeking moments of pleasure from our walks on the beach holding my hand, talking about the pier like it was “our” place. That coastline, in his city, is where his memories are and it made me sad that he carries that around with him.
But he made a choice to live his life in that manner – and I’m glad to be away from all his drama.
The pain subsides, the good memories are exactly that – good, when they come and the tears dry up and you realise that yes, you can have that again – but for all the right reasons. *hugs*
Grace and Leigh, thank you. It didn’t dawn on me that I could be experiencing “peace of mind” because of the last two years living with his drama and my pain. It helps to have the words to describe the calmness and quietness. I think I realized yesterday while talking to him how stuck and empty he is. He did the “our” thing to and it made me cringe instead of tingle like it used to. There is no “our”. It was a bit scary though because with one slip, I could have gone back down the rabbit hole and he would have been more than happy to jump in with me. Yikes.
You are right. He’s made his choice to live like that and I’m already glad to be away from the drama and his complaining. Christ, can the guy complain.
I went for a hike today and it felt good to realize it has been my hiking trail all along like the others were saying. Every day gets a little better, like you say. I realized today that I can have a real relationship (at some point way down the road after I’ve gotten my act together) and there is hope, finally. There was no hope while involved with a MM.
Good luck to you both too, and thank you for the encouragement. It sounds as though you both have made it out of the rabbit hole…congratulations. Today is a GOOD day, finally, and I’m looking forward to tomorrow, finally!
runnergirl
yes, sometimes you do have to see. after i cut off the last guy, he came back. i let him in cos i was feeling nostalgic and hoped that he would behave better ( ha ha, the naivety!). he was, in fact, even worse. so the second time i cut him off without any warning in a fit of anger and since then i have had complete peace of mind. of course, i wont do it again. once is enough!
Yeah, this is spot on//Miss you, but…This is was a familiar pattern for me for a while..Until I’ve changed my number and it turned out he didn’t miss me that much after all,.. talking about “lazy communication” and all..Thing is: if the guy really loves you he would be with you and wouldn’t need to miss you… Thanks Natalie soo much, I promise I’ll keep up with BS Diet, loovee your blog, helps a lot-)
To all girls: Be Strong and if in dilemma , go on with BS Diet