When we have people pleaser inclinations, we’re near allergic to making us a priority—we see it as “selfish”. We stress so much about taking care of other people’s priorities that we don’t fully register that some of the people who we damn well near break our backs for, do not make us a priority.
Now it’s not about tit for tat but if we don’t get clear on and own our priorities, and we don’t make some of these our well-being which includes insuring that we’re using our positive qualities and characteristics in healthy situations, we are in danger of waking up one day and wondering what the hell we have to show for all of our efforts–unappreciated and incredibly frustrated with a big regret hangover.
When I talk to people about knowing their priorities, acting like they’re a priority and not accepting being treated like an option, I’m often greeted with blank face–“What? Me make time for me? Oh, I don’t know about that. Where would I even start?”
Sometimes we’re so busy giving, fixing, healing, helping and yes, sometimes trying to change others that we don’t really stop to ask: Who the hell is taking care of me?
We’re so busy auditioning, proving, convincing and trying to convert that by extension of these activities, we are deprioritising us.
We’re saying, I don’t think that we’re equals. I don’t think that I deserve love, care, trust and respect yet, but if I show you all of the ways in which I’m willing to put you above and beyond me, maybe one day you will decide that I’m worth being decent to.
Just as they advise us to put on our own oxygen mask first before we help others on a troubled flight, it’s vital for us to not only be boundaried in how we go about serving others but to also ensure that we are taking care of our emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health. What good are we to anyone if we are bankrupting ourselves in the process of being a “good” or “loving” person?
There are people who cannot find the time to pick up the phone or put energy into a relationship but they’d find the time to ping-pong messages all day on WhatsApp or Facebook or they’d have time for sex but not for conversation or intimacy–we’re a priority when they want something and an option when someone or something else is in the frame.
When we expect a romantic partner to make us a priority not an option, it’s not about making us superior so that others can be seen as inferior. It’s not even about, Make me more important than everyone else.
We cannot accept being treated like an option because if we’re treating that person like our one and only or a priority, putting them on a pedestal makes them ensures that we are beneath them.
The person who treats us like an option will not accept being an option. They’re expecting to be our priority while they have free reign. There’s always a driver and a passenger in these situations—they want things all on their terms.
How we prioritise our time or our tasks is similar to how we prioritise our relationships. Not every task has the same priority and each use of our time is not as effective as others. We must choose. If we don’t spend our time and energies on the tasks that produce the result we want, we’re not going to achieve our desires and goals. This is why so many people read about productivity and time management. If we put all of our energies into admin and fire-fighting, we won’t do the money tasks or have anything left to do the creative work. If we prioritise distracting activities and instant gratification type stuff, odds are that what we definitely aren’t prioritising is relationship producing actions and activities.
Feelings aren’t a finite resource nor are our actions, so it’s not as if we have to compete for our share of a person’s pot.
Just like when I became pregnant with our second daughter and initially worried about how parents spread around that intense love, we realise that when we’re open, we just love some more and it’s not about taking from someone else in order to do so.
This is important to note because every day, people share their stories with me about the pain they put themselves through in order to catch a person’s attention or ‘win’ them from someone else. They believe that everything boils down to them not being “good enough”.
A person can love their family, their kids, their friends, etc., and love us as well.
Each relationship is different and we’re not competing—when it’s implicitly understood and communicated that two people are in a romantic relationship, this in itself defines the priorities because to be in a mutually fulfilling loving relationship, you each prioritise the getting to know each other and then the loving of each other. Unless it is an open relationship (which is not the subject matter of this blog), there cannot be any competing for romantic love so if they’re divvying up their romantic energies, it’s flush. When romantic priorities are clear, no one is inferior or superior and there isn’t a disparity between what each person thinks that they’re there for. If this is still up for debate, this is not the relationship that we think it is and we must step back and seriously question why we’re trying to make something serious with somebody whose priority for instance, might be to continue to shag around, or party it up, or to never have to feel vulnerable and committed.
Each time we feel as if we’re being treated like an option or we expend energy on trying to prove that we are worthy enough of being a priority, this is a big fat code red alert that we need to step back, waaaaay back. It lets us know in no uncertain terms (even if we have denied the evidence and our intuition along the way) that the way in which we see this person or the relationship, is not the way that they do. We cannot begin to treat and regard us as the priority that we are if we cloak ourselves in denial. We have a duty of care to get conscious, aware, present so that we can readjust our participation in the relationship with healthier boundaries.
If we’re unclear and passive about our priorities, someone else will come along and rule us with theirs. We mustn’t give away our power by making people who don’t share our priorities responsible for our priorities.
Our boundaries and values communicate our preferences for how we want to live and what is fundamentally important to us. The person who treats and regards themselves as a priority will not accept less than what they can already be and do for themselves. We must set our standard and when people we prioritise treat us like an option, we need to close down their options by removing ourselves.
Your thoughts?
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This is so true! Once I stepped away and saw just how much I gave and how little I received in return I knew it was time to move on! I made it clear to him I was moving on and started the no contact! Though it was difficult in the beginning everyday it becomes easier especially now that I have a new priority namely me????
What I discovered about people who treat me like their priorities are far more important than mine, came from my ex, the covert narcissist and emotional abuser. The more I gave up, the more she assumed she should get. Finally, after studying for years how she managed to drive me crazy without me catching her, was because I never possessed horrid traits like hers–pathological lies, half truths, insisting something happened when I knew it didn’t, isolating me from all her friends, cheating, lacking empathy and most of all, building me up like nobody ever did, only to tear me down like never before.
Once I filled a dozen journals with daily entries, I reviewed them and started to write down recurring issues or phrases: blows hot and cold, words and deeds don’t match, never apologizes, and this was key: when I’d catch her in a huge lie and confront her angrily, she would go hysterical, overreact and avoid me and give me the silent treatment until I “understood and admitted” that my angry reaction was twice as bad as what she did.
She considered any show of anger at all to be massive abuse and fear inducing. How convenient.
After I gathered enough of her common bad habits and awful traits, I Googled them and they all led to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She hit 10/10 symptoms.
AHA! Now that I knew what was wrong her, I thought together we could fix it.
The next day I Googled “What is the prognosis for treating Narcissistic Personality Disorder?”
The answers came by the dozens, all saying: None. There is no cure. Run for your life.
I knew if I left her and went NC, I’d cave, start missing her and go back. So, instead I allowed myself to mirror her behavior back to her. I made demands, issued ultimatums, disappeared for days, lied about things she already knew were true, blamed her for everything, and told her everything good I ever said about her was a lie.
Without adding the rest of the uber-crappy things I did to her–she wound up breaking up with me.
That was perfect because I knew she would never apologize or lower herself to beg to come back, and I knew the silent treatment would start and never end.
That was back in April, and no contact from her at all. During the blessed silence, I wrote to her and told her every crazy, shitty, hateful thing she’d ever done to me. I finally got bored with that and haven’t
contacted her for longer than I can recall. To pretend to be an NPD made me realize what a miserable, wretched life she must lead. Instead of living a full and happy life, she lives to seduce and destroy kind people. Via the Internet, she probably has a half dozen victims on hand at any given time.
She has nothing to show for her life of insanity.
I no longer check her Pinterest, Flicker or any other links I had to her. She’s boring to me now.
I will never know how such a mediocre, pessimistic creep ever caught my eye.
I am healed 100% and now I am ‘spoiling’ myself–giving myself everything I wanted from her.
I’m happy today.
Thanks, Natalie, for being one of my angels that pushed me forward.
Karen, I went through something very similar except that I didn’t, unfortunately, have the guts to act back. I was too involved and confused in the mess he created on purpose for me. I’m over him, but not over the pain and manipulation. I’m NC since July and I know it’s for my own sanity and good. Your words of being healed 100% are an inspiration to me. I feel angry and am finding a lot of help through this blog in understanding so that I can make wiser choices and be more alert next time, I hope there is no next time. I don’t wish a narcissist upon my worst enemy. It’s hell. And they twist it around so that it’s all our fault, always. Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s comforting to know that other people go through the same thing. Viv
It takes a very good boyfriend to be better than no boyfriend.
I love this so, so much. If BR had a “like” button, I would click it a thousand times!!!
Well said
Thanks Natalie for such a brilliant post and perfect timing too.
If people treat us as an option then we leave them like a choice.. 🙂
Another great article! You know, something I’ve noticed – being an artist in the field and building a portfolio – now that I’m out of a bad relationship and really making time for *me*, I’ve gotten the hang of managing my time and creativity better using the pomodoro technique and I’m really starting to notice just how putting priority on my artwork is carrying over to other aspects of my life. Now for the first time in what feels like a long time I am making good decisions for me and not putting others above me and my art is reaping all the benefits of the time I’m investing in it. This positive circle of working and seeing the progress and recording time spent on tasks is helping my self esteem in a huge way.
Sometimes little changes like that can cause a ripple effect, help us see patterns in our behavior and help us correct them without over-thinking about it.
I would really recommend the pomodoro technique to anyone who struggles to manage their work-time.
Ah, that’s it: the Pomodoro Technique! I’d come across that a few years ago but never got around to implementing it since I was busy being run off my feet in a disaster of a marriage to my creative partner…and just yesterday (a week after filing the divorce papers) I just remembered that and was trying to recall the name of it since it sounded like such a great way to get focused on reinventing myself as an artist. I did remember that it had something to do with tomatoes 😉
Thank you Alexandra!
I’d rather be the one that got away than the one who got treated as an option.
Love this! I’m borrowing this statement.
Me too!
I am currently being bullied to abandon my priorities and play by someones else rules, rules that are not fair or even reasonble at this point. His rules all accommodate him and do nothing but silence me so he doesn’t have to suffer the consequences of his own actions. He has lied to me numerous times throughout this relationship citing his own insecurity which has now evolved to being my fault. I cannot have a conversation about this because it’s met with anger and yelling. Bullying me to do as I’m told in this relationship or I get hung up on, yelled at, swore at and threatened with being abandoned which he denies later having meant any of it and telling me how much he loves me and wants to work this out. I swore I’d never be in this situation again, but here I am. I am starting to question my own sanity at this point, being told repeatedly by him that I am “f*cking everything up” by stating my doubts and not looking the other way. I’ve been dragging my feet about making my own priorities firm for me because I know at this point it will be the end of the relationship. My priorities have taken not the back seat but the trunk.
Selkie,
You KNOW you are being mistreated. You did not even mention one good quality about this d-bag. It wouldn’t change the tone of your comment even if you had. Your sanity is intact. You CLEARLY spelled out the signs of a troubled (abusive) person. What’s left to f*ck up? He’s bullying you and blaming you because HE’S f*cked up. Would someone who cares about you bully you, threaten you, and swear at you? Even if you have some insecurities (who doesn’t), someone who values kindness, patience, and consideration would treat you respectfully. Those values don’t belong stashed in the trunk. Maybe he played *NICE* at first. Most of them do.
Selkie,
I recently flushed a ‘toxic’ boyfriend from my life. A dude who promised so much yet delivered so very little. I bent over backwards to be understanding and patient following his father’s funeral in Lagos, which he paid for the bulk of. I even loaned him money to pay for parking fines, and would justify the fact that he’d stopped asking me out on actual dates, and relied solely on WhatsApp as his preferred mode of communication (what p*ssed me off more was that he’d read the frigging message and still NOT reply unless prompted). He was unreliable (agreed to pick me up from a restaurant after a night out with the girls but never arrived), rarely punctual, rarely shared his feelings with me or showed vulnerability, vain, arrogant, etc, etc.
Every time I’d mention his lack of effort, I was told I was being impatient, pushy, nagging him and was informed that his previous girlfriends did a lot for him without complaining (if so, where are they now dickhead?). He’d get really angry and tell me to “shut the f**k up”, or he’d just hang up on me, but would always call/text back to apologise – citing stress and migraines as his excuse for talking to me like crap.
It became obvious to me that this guy didn’t give two sh*ts about me or my welfare. He only cared about himself and what was best for him, so I wanted out of this situation immediately. When I asked him to return my money so we could go our separate ways, his reply was “What money? You never gave me any money…” Unbelievable. I threatened to take him to court to get my money back (I had ample proof and had consulted a solicitor who said it was an open and shut case), he then began threatening to publish private photos of me online. I had no choice but to inform the police and file a report. I also went one step further and informed his employers of what he was doing and sent screenshots of the abuse and threats I was receiving from him (I had their email addresses from a screenshot of an email he’d sent to me before Xmas informing him and his team to make some sales or else they’d be sacked). During this time he began calling me repeatedly on private number – one time he even tried to pretend to be a police officer, but I knew it was him straight away.
After a visit from the police and (what I can only imagine) a severe bollocking from his boss, he transferred the money into my account last week, and I told him to go and seek professional help before blocking and deleting his number from my phone.
The moral of this story? I will NEVER disregard my gut instincts EVER again. I will never be so naive and quick to trust ever again. I will never loan money in a relationship ever again. I will fight the urge to run full steam ahead into a relationship and give it more time to unfold so I can see what the man is about before I commit myself to him. I will never ignore warning signs ever again.
I could see early on that his attitude towards our blossoming relationship was changing, but I accepted his excuses of going through a bereavement and having personal/financial/health issues (stress migraines). Had he communicated with me effectively, or made some attempt to show a bit of gratitude for the things I had done for him – maybe I would’ve been willing to stick it out, but by the end he just drained my energy and made me feel used, and I didn’t want anything to do with him. After everything he did, he still refused to acknowledge or own up to his crappy behaviour which leads me to believe that he is either mentally unstable or a sociopath (or both).
Yeah, I’m back to being single and celebrating my 32nd birthday on Sat with my girlfriends (whoop whoop), not with him as we had previously planned, but it is sooooo much better than the anxiety and mental torture I endured whilst being with him. I feel happy and free now! I don’t have to worry about what kind of mood he’ll be in, or be arguing with him about why we only meet once a week and never do anything fun together besides sex or eat food (which I would always cook). There was no fun or romance or anything that made me want to stay with him. It was dead before it had even started.
My advice? Cut your losses and get out now – don’t look back! He will never change and the longer you hang around taking his BS, the more he will drain your energy and make you doubt yourself further.
All the best 🙂
i ended a friendship with an ex because i felt like iwas treated like an option. i realizned that i was unable to be friends, i would attach again and he didnt and didnt get backto me when i called, so i said, this isnt working for me. even in friendship i want closeness and it wasnt happening. i am now doing NC on this one, why should i set myself up to be a beggar….thats where it felt like it was heading. yes, i miss talking to him, but i need to let him go and find someone appropriate. q
Sometimes in the beginning of a relationship, I didn’t know I was treated as an option mainly because I was being love bombed at the start. Sometimes there were mitigating factors such as the other party having to be out of town, living out of town so it was easy for them to consider me an option without my knowing for awhile. I’ve really learned to listen to my gut; if something feels iffy, pay close attention. Luckily for me, having the day job, running my farm doesn’t allow me to drop everything, give my all to another who is not giving back, nor do I have time to ruminate on Faceplant or other social media; a good thing.
This article is a gem and addresses where I am when I think about my ex-EUM: *anger*. I would love to see some blog entries that deal directly with this. I know I am healing and moving on and I am feeling more certain than ever that I needed to drop him. I would like help/insights on processing anger, especially when I run into him socially and would love to humiliate him and ruin his reputation – which he knows I could do – and sometimes I can’t think of a reason not to do it.
Putting myself first is something I have been working on for months and I am finally starting to understand the importance of saying no. I wear many hats. I lead an organization that helps special needs children. I am constantly helping. I try to be consistent and helpful to my family and friends.
In doing all of this things I find when I am in a relationship I do the same things in the hope that they will prioritize me and give me a safe place to be.
Men tend to fall hard for me in the beginning. I try to help them, am always available and I put their needs ahead of mine. In the end I realize they put their needs ahead of me so where am I in the end? Alone.
Natalie this article screams what I am trying to find in a relationship a mutual give and take.
Great article. I was always taught to be fair, considerate and to reciprocate. And you know what, it’s the people who think they were more worthy than me, who always put me through the ringer. And I used to try harder and harder to get them to see me as an equal. That’s when I was treated like crap. Now, if I see myself jumping through hoops, I immediately stop myself. If a person doesn’t give in the beginning, but only takes, then that’s my cue to leave. I no longer compensate by leading by example, by being kind and caring, with the hopes that the other person learns from it and follows my lead. That only leads to creating a monster. I prioritize mutually beneficial and equal relationships in all aspects of my life and that is the ONLY thing I will ever tolerate. EVER!
Amen! Been there, done that. Now I see them as they are and get out! If I have to deal with them, like at work, I avoid as much as possible. If I can’t avoid them, I watch my back and match their actions (not words).
This! It was actually my EUM who told me ” you chase the people who don’t treat you well, but dismiss the ones who love you”. He knew everything about it 🙂 nonetheless, he was right. Now that I’m well ( better), I can’t stand people like the ones Nat described here, in any situation.
I realized last year that I have never been in anything romantic where I was treated like a priority. I’ve always been the option. Even when I thought I was spending time with someone who cared about me. In the past I didn’t know. I never wanted to be the demanding or overbearing woman. I feared being labeled unreasonable or inconsiderate cause people have lots of reasons for why they might not call you back or why they had to cancel at the last minute.
I’m a giver. I have known this about myself for years. I like to give but cutting off the people who never give anything back to me is eye opening. After going NC with so many people, I look around and wow there’s no one that was treating me right. They’ve since chosen lots of other people to prioritize and even though it’s none of my business and I know I shouldn’t care it still makes me feel like shit sometimes. It hurts to come to the realization that that’s what guys see me as: someone they can use until something better comes along that they can and want to prioritize. They always eventually find her. And it never ever takes long once they’re done with me (a few months tops)… meanwhile it feels like I’ve been hoping to meet somebody that gives a f–k about me my whole life.
It’s good that I am aware now and making important steps to put myself first. My fear is that I’ll never meet somebody that sees me as a priority. ‘Something is better than nothing’ is what I always told myself in the thick of it because going several years w/o so much as a hug makes you feel insane on the inside. When you’ve been starving for most of your life, you can live off crumbs easy. Crumbs or starve. What would you do?
I don’t want to be a pessimist. I just can’t stop wondering about what I’ll do if I go another 10 years like the last 10. Prioritizing myself is important and necessary and I’m doing that. But there are so many other women out there they get to prioritize themselves and have significant others prioritize them too.
Watched a Dave Chappelle comedy clip where he said women are givin’ up the pu$$y way too easily.
In your view, you are being a “giver”, wanting to appear “nicer” than other women. Assclowns know this is the modus operandi, and they enjoy our largess because what they get is a woman who has no minimally acceptable criteria. She’ll be OK with crumbs. There are tons of us out there.
I have been binge watching “Girls” on HBO, and every time there’s a scene where one of the 20-somethings is submitting to some guys sex wishes (“don’t move, don’t talk, talk, turn around, get on your knees, show me your tits”…etc.), I feel a painfully sad recognition. In those scenes, the woman thinks she is being accepting, open, non-judgemental…but the man is just using her for his pleasure and will soon forget about her and the moment. The woman thinks she’s building trust, the man is just going for his own pleasure. And will probably hold you in contempt in the future.
The women that you feel are getting the “good stuff” from men are women who walk away from crumbs. I’m sure assclowns try to give those women crumbs too, but it becomes clear early on that the woman will walk away.
We gotta make sure the man in question is really in to us. You don’t WIN men. When you try to “win” a guy, you end up over-giving, being used for booty, and eventually left behind for his next challenge.
There are men who want what you want, but you can’t find them by giving away the store and hoping he’s the one. Every step of relationship building you have to keep what YOU want forefront in your mind…meaning, for example, don’t respond to a late night text if you want to keep booty call off the table. Some guy who really wants you WILL make it known.
That doesn’t explain why I hear soooo many success stories of people in happy marriages who had sex very early on, even on the first date. I am not buying that these women who get more respect didn’t put out. That’s not even an accurate term. You are not actually giving the guy anything. You are sharing an experience with him.
I think it just comes down to some kind of fundamental mismatch. The guy knows it and acts accordingly even if it’s not a conscious knowing.
That said, there are still good reasons for waiting, if you’re the type to get emotionally attached to someone as a result of having had sex with them. If that’s not what hooks you then knock yourself out but if it IS what hooks you then hold off til you have a better idea of who he is. Now that’s not a guarantee. You can go for years with someone and never 100% know them. But you’ll be farther ahead than if he figures out he doesn’t like you for anything but a booty call and proceeds to treat you like crap.
Mkg,
I’ve been fighting similar feelings myself for the last 10 years plus, and experiencing a similar pattern of relationships too.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear but it’s time to take a step back from it all and readjust your focus elsewhere.
After years of disappointments and heartache, I’ve realised that putting so much of my time/energy into dating is not working out at all – so it’s now time for me drop out of the game and focus on other things in life. For e.g. I’m currently learning to drive, I’m saving to buy my own home, I’ve taken up yoga, I’ve reconnected with old friends and I make sure I have something fun planned at least once a fortnight with friends and/or family. In order to do this you have to stop searching – which means suspending any online dating profiles and deleting numbers of guys who you might hook-up with sporadically.
I haven’t given up hoping that I’ll meet someone one day, but it’s no longer the main event in my life. It’s not easy, I struggle most days – especially this time of year, but I’m learning to appreciate the good things in my life and I’m actually starting to enjoy being single.
mkg: I agree with these comments from others. You have to let it go. We cant control if someone will treat us as priority. All I can do is that when I am treated as less than priority, I either adjust my expectations, stop considering that person as MY priority, or call them out on it. At heart is the question of whether they ‘owe’ me that priority and usually – they don’t. No one does. Some people treat you as priority even if you are their acquaintance that they see once a year. Some people treat you like the last on their list while they’re married to you. Its not you, its your dynamic with that person.
I have definitely reached a more relaxed place with respect to dating. I’m not looking for it anymore. I don’t care if a man doesn’t make me a priority unless we are in a serious relationship.
I was struck when you said you are too ‘giving’. I was telling someone the other day that I feel like I’ve become agony aunt for my friends. But remember giving is our choice – we are not forced to give, nor should we give for any expectation of return. The only return we should hope for is friendship. If you’re thinking of how much you’re giving then its time to step back – and thats exactly what I thought – not that I am giving too much, but that perhaps I allow too many friends to take energy from me and I can easily step back from that if it is too much. When people say ‘I’m too giving so why doesnt xyz happen’ – that is your definition of giving. Be giving if it gives you joy – there is no other return to it.
You say so many women prioritize themselves and others prioritize them too, so why don’t you have what they have etc. – I don’t know about this. I’ve seen lots of relationships up close, they often involve the sort of compromises I might not be ready to make. I have seen few very few, perhaps 2-3 that I would actually want for myself. There is just something about your post that strikes me as being a bit off. Some whiff of martyrdom, persecution, being hard done by etc — thats not going to make you happy, and thats not going to attract to you the type of person you want.
Mkg,
Wow I can relate to everything you’ve said. After my last relationship, I definitely felt like he used me until something better came along. I chose to believe everything he said instead of trusting my gut. Like you, this has happened to me many times because I’m a giver/nice also. I have a tendency to hang on too long even after they’ve dropped hints they’re not that interested anymore or red flags are going up. In my defense, I didn’t see them at the time because I was getting mixed signals…but in hindsight they were there! I didn’t mention things that bothered me because I didn’t want to seem unreasonable or clingy. Instead I stayed quiet to keep the peace.
I’ve dated guys who treated me like an option and then I find out later they’re in a relationship with someone else and seemingly happy. I can’t help but think there’s something wrong with me. I see myself as the female version of the movie ”good luck chuck”. I feel like I’m the girl right before they find ”the one”. It really does make you feel like shit sometimes. Looking back, most of these guys didn’t give a shit about me. They were in it for themselves, an ego boost.
I wish I had some advice for you but I’m in your shoes too. I guess it’s just a matter of having the self respect to get out of a situation when you see the signs it’s not going anywhere, getting worse. Making better choices in men. Maybe its because we’ve cut them off ”too late”. We have to be selfish in a way. Not to sound preachy but if you think about it, who really has our back at the end of the day…we do. We just have to watch for ourselves first because nobody else is going to do it.
Reminds me of a quote…..”You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served” Nina Simone
Wow! It’s amazing how much my life and personality mirror your experiences. I’m so happy to have found this page and to read all these comments. The hard truth hurts but it’s needed.
I hope you are someone who goes back and re-reads posts because I just wanted to let you know how emotional I got reading yours in particular. It is like an exact replica of my situation even down to the fact that in the last 10 years I too have not had any kind of real relationship so find it hard not to get excited over crumbs when I have been starving too!
Your analogies are brilliant! I now know what to do and feel better equipped but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’ll never experience that togetherness with someone who prioritises me like I do them. I got used to being 4th/5th best and even had counselling over perpetually never being ‘good enough’ to be number 1 girl in a man’s life. The counsellor told me I will always be number 1 to one man (my son…?)
Correct, but not exactly the same thing in the same context is it.
I am experiencing something new and would like your feedback: I’m healed now, meaning I am mine, happy, centered, I trust myself etc ( if course it’s all a work in progress, but I’m on the sunny side, finally). What I feel is a ” rejection” of people on my part. Not all if them! Not my good friends ( those very few)! Whenever I’m with them I’m happier, centered, sunnier 🙂 so I’m not misanthropic.
But I can’t stand my acquaintances and peripheral friends who talk about men all the time. All the time.
I would love to chat about books movies shoes hair holidays politics cats etc… but all they want to discuss is men. Any other conversation is just a stand in for The Conversation.
Example. I’m in the first stages of dating a guy who is normal, and it’s going well. Just like Nat promised it would be 🙂 I don’t know if it has a future as I want to get to know him better and I’m giving myself time.
but I made the mistake of casually mentionin him (” sorry I can’t stay longer because I’m seeing A”) and it was all “OMG are you excited has he suggested a place do you have a picture” I shut it down, but g* d, did this woman insist! And I couldn’t have played along even if i’d wanted.
I know I could simply not see these people anymore, but I’d rather not isolate myself. I’m the happiest alone, and that’s OK, but I don’t think its healthy to indulge in solitude too much. It’s not healthy because it’s the easiest path, or so it feels, and I want my serenity to be “well rounded”, not one-dimensional.
so how do I respond without resorting to being a counselor for free, or sounding way too harsh?
Hi Misa! I think, in many ways, you’ve answered your own question. You have a small group of people you feel really good about, you enjoy, you have fun with – and a larger group of acquaintances who tend toward some of the behaviors that keep us locked into patterns with men, totally focused on men, etc. I think there’s a good reason they are your acquaintances and, I think the more you find yourself moving toward healthier ways of being (dating a healthy guy, spending time with your good group), the less and less you will see of these acquaintances. Talk about the stuff that’s important to you – they might surprise you and participate in more positive talk. And if you offer that a number of times and they’re just not interested, then you know – there’s a disconnect.
You may find that they simply fade from view, you see them less often. You have less in common with them. You have fewer shared interests and less to talk about. Eventually, they recede into your past and you may feel grateful for the friendship you had with them but your life is different now – and I think this is a normal part of getting healthier, growing up.
I’d say quality is more important than quantity. The more time you spend with this small, good group, the more people like that you will meet and the more this reinforces your new, healthier habits. You’re not obligated to keep people around just because they were at one time, on your level. If you’ve moved on, it’s OK to be honest about that and let them go.
I’m thinking about this post in terms of a friend of mine who lives 90 minutes away. Our friendship seems to have devolved into an email relationship, with get-togethers 1x every 6 months. I like her so much and I’m trying not to take it personally, but this isn’t enough for me. She’s very pleasant, it’s not like she’s mad at me, she just has a husband and other friends, and her work, and and and. I often feel like I’m at the low end of the list.
If it were up to me, I’d like to see her 1x a month; we could meet halfway sometimes. I don’t find an hour or and hour and a half of driving a big deal for a good friend. But she seems happy with lengthy emails and very occasional visits.
I just asked her about visiting (it’s been ~5 months), and said I could come up there and she replied that she wanted to see how April unfolded with time and health issues. She has a commitment she’s working toward in March. We both have health issues – hers potentially very serious but stable. Sometimes I think I may never see her again if her health doesn’t hold up.
I’m sad about this; I’m thinking I will pull back from all of the lengthy emails and try to get out more to meet others. Any input from anyone? I’d love to hear what you think.
Some relationships are precious but will always be unequal. This is fine. Do not push your friend, do not be over desperate. Enjoy your lengthy emails, occasional visits and phone calls. I have friends that I email quite often – but haven’t seen in about 4 years. Some I see every 2-3 years, and yet we try to chat on the phone once in a couple of months. Some friends are indispensable. But we all have our lives. Being low on someone’s priority list doesn’t mean you have to boost yourself up higher by insisting nor should you decide that if you aren’t number 1 its not worth it.
Let it go – check in with her from time to time and try to manage around her schedule since she is busier. The other choice is to totally become the passive person and wait for her to come to you – there is nothing wrong with that either. As long as your choices are driven by a sense of openness toward yourself and others, there is nothing wrong with it. I have one friendship where I make all the effort – we have a great time when we meet, I know this friend is isolating herself and doesn’t make any moves. Its fine, she’s always nice to me, we have amazing conversations at those times, and she is generous with her emotions and open…and if that means I carry the burden of organization that is a choice I am making.
They say that if you hold a coin in your hand and grip it tightly or you just place it loosely on your palm, you still have the same coin. In the latter case you’re just more open and generous with yourself and have less fear of loss.
Hey
Natalie, this is an amazing post as usual. I have just flushed a guy because he said he would try to let me know about a date om the next day and then didn’t. He was on and offline on whatsapp. He even sent me messages saying how tired he was. A message saying “i still would like to come on Friday but haven’t had time to make sure I can yet” would maybe have sufficed. But nothing. When I said that I had given away the ticket to someone else he said that his job was “all consuming” but then I asked him out another eve instead and he said “oh I’ve literally just arranged to go climbing”. Funny that he had time to arrange that but not to arrange seeing me. Being an option isn’t an option. I understand he is busy but the contradictions in that behaviour from the get go. I’m gutted as he is lovely but I suppose as your article says you have to start as you mean to go on.
I have a question though. Couldn’t it be argued that he is making himself a priority, like your article suggests one should? By putting me first and letting me know if he was coming out with me if he was genuinely busy, doesn’t that mean he has healthy boundaries? How can I be his priority but him still be his own priority? I’m not sure the article fully works through that tension. His argument that he was too busy to answer me and didn’t have time to think may be a genuine example of him not allowing others’ priorities to rule his life. To respond to me is to do what the first paragraph suggests. How can we be selfish and put someone else first?
To clarify… the sentence. ….By putting me first and letting me know if he was coming out with me if he was genuinely busy, doesn’t that mean he has healthy boundaries? should read….
By NOT putting me first and NOT letting me know if he was coming out with me if he was genuinely busy, doesn’t that mean he has healthy boundaries?
It sort of sounds like he’s walking backwards trying to get you to do the ending because he’s such a ‘good guy’. Or, in normal circles, a bit of a coward. a man making you his priority would say ‘I’ve just made plans to go climbing and I don’t want to let my friend down but I’m free next on *day and I would love to see you’.
If you make yourself your priority then the people you choose to spend time with are part of those priorities. You get the right person, you’re on each other’s priority lists! You get the wrong person, things don’t ever feel like anything other than a chase.
I’m guilty of chasing a man who has been backing away for so long that he’s now ignoring me in an effort to get me to stop contacting him! And the last time I contacted him? Last night! I’m embarassed for myself. I realised a long time ago that I was an option (never the top one) and I’ve slowly dropped further down the list. The worst thing? We were never even together!! Six months of him flirting, treating me beautifully and properly sucking me in. Since then a steady demotion in the friendship priority list. For eighteen months. So the natural end result of someone who doesn’t EVER make you their priority is you DO end up not being an option but it’s them that decides it not you.
You did the right thing because his priorities didn’t include you. And they should. You shouldn’t be his only priority but from the start but you should be up there. That seems to be the key! (Not chasing after them like some deranged flea-bitten stray dog until they end up pretending you’re not their in an effort to make you go away! I didn’t take heed of warnings about priorities and options and now I’m learning about being ghosted. He’s the coward, I’m the fool.)
Ladies, I’ll be blunt. Get out of these unsatisfactory, one-sided ‘relationships’ early. Do not hang around waiting for him to ‘see the light,’ or change, or realize you’re the best thing that’s happened since sliced bread. Unfortunately, pop culture brainwashes us to believe that the ‘bad boy’ will come around with enough patience and love. Maybe it works that way once in a blue moon, but more often, you just stay in it while your self-esteem is slowly whittled down to a nub, and then you’ve got little to offer the good guy who may come along later except suspicion, wariness, and a self-fulfilling sense of doom. The longer you’re in it, the more damaged you come out of it. Let it go and trust that you’ve dodged a bullet.
Diane, what a great post! I agree to get out as soon as possible if it’s a one sided relationship. And who wants a bad boy? I want a REAL man! Nothing better than a real man who is sexy, knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to protect, provide and profess! It doesn’t get any better than that!
After breaking it off with my exEUM, Facebook became my way to put my life front and center, all the ways I was putting myself first – and, a year later, I have accomplished a lot and I am proud of myself. I unfriended him after we broke up. But I realized, deep down, I kinda wanted him to see all the cool stuff I’m doing and know what he’s missing. I wanted him to take an interest in my life, FINALLY – even if it means he was snooping on FB. So I unfriended but I didn’t block – so he could see my public stuff… you know, just in case he got curious and wanted to see how fabulous my life was getting… lol
Well, the other day, it appeared he was having a peek (he liked something public after almost a year of steering clear of each other). Instead of feeling excited or happy he was taking an interest … it totally creeped me out. Big time. And now, he’s blocked.
I realized, I didn’t really want his attention – I needed to build my life after the break up and I’ve done that. Now that he’s blocked, I feel a lot better. It’s not the blocking itself – it’s that I’ve completely let go of pursuing (or valuing) his validation and I think it was my final gift to myself to render him literally invisible. I feel free. Finally.
“it’s that I’ve completely let go of pursuing (or valuing) his validation and I think it was my final gift to myself to render him literally invisible. I feel free. Finally.”
Congrats!! Freedom. It’s an awesome feeling isn’t it?! I didn’t realize what a little prison I had built for myself with all my approval seeking. I’m finding that I feel that joyful feeling of freedom anytime I’m able to let go of chasing validation/approval from anyone, even in small ways. It’s an automatic boost to self-esteem and it feels so good, so I do it more. Spiraling up instead of down!
If he tries to break NC now, he doesn’t have a chance in hell of making headway! 🙂
How did you get to that point that it creeped you out? Now, I feel rejected bc he stopped following me on social media. I would love it if he contacted me even though I know I shouldn’t feel that way. How do you let go?
Hi Jennifer… I think it was a process of building up my own life, my own way. I am happy with how I spend my time, I am happy with the people in my life, what I’m doing. I know that what I am doing is right for me – and I let go of worrying what he thinks or whether he approves of my decisions (including the one to cut him off). As soon as you win your own approval, you don’t give a fuck what they think and, in fact, you feel sorry for them because you begin to see how they missed out.
It creeped me out because I was so sure he was moving on too (I was) and seeing him mingling around my FB told me he may not be and, to protect my growth and everything I’ve built since walking away, I felt compelled to block him immediately. I don’t want to be sidetracked or take a chance that his EU could pull me away from all the work I’ve done. I don’t want to lose that and I don’t want to take a chance that it could happen – hence, BLOCKED.
I need advice. I don’t know what’s going on. This chap texts me daily a lot.but he made plans 3 time then something came up all 3 times. I got upset he apologised etc etc. He then went into his split from his ex said it was traumatic he was a bit of a wreck blah blah. He says he doesn’t know what he wants so I said OK let’s leave it and be friends he said fine I think I need to get my head straight. Then he’s carried on texting everyday arranged a date shown up all went well had some contact after the date ended and today. Then nothing even though I’ve text him he’s not replied but he’s on and off what’s app. I’m confused and not sure what the heck is happening here to be honest. Is it just doomed?
Hello. I am commenting on this post bc it reminds me others n I would like to hear some advice. It appears that fallback girls usually hv to be the ones to end it w assclowns but how do u cope if they end it w u instead?! I have been on n off for the past five years w mine. Here is a brief history. The first time we were official for 3 or 4 months but he cheated. In the beginning he was awesome but then pulled away n starting acting distant like the typical unavailable man. The years that followed were mostly me trying to be friends w benefits w him but I couldn’t handle it. At one point he wanted to be together again only to tell me two weeks later he met someone n wanted to give it a try. Seven months later he contacted me when that ended but still didn’t want to be official. I found out later he contacted me n was texting sexual stuff to me when he was still living w her. At one point we dated again n it was supposed to be exclusive but he eventually became distant again. A year passed and I contacted him again. . Although we weren’t official at that time he promised not to sleep w others unless we discussed it first. This lasted a few months. At times it was okay. He would tell me he loves me n can see us being married one day but that we have to take it slow for success n not rush things. He even invited me to his moms 65th bday party n he went away on a vacation w me. Well I went to his house late at night bc I didn’t trust him n caught him w a girl staying overnight his house. This happened two days after we returned from vacation together. He tried to lie n say it was his guy friend. Things got crazy n it ended. I cursed at him and it was not a proud moment for me.
Well bc I’m a fallback girl n can’t stop obsessing over him, I reached out to him again after this incident. We hooked up about 6 months after the event but I didn’t really hear from him after that. Then We hooked up this past December before he went away on trip to Switzerland. As soon as he got back from trip he contacted me n we hooked up again. He said he loved me n we should get married one day. He said he missed me being in his life but he wanted to take it slow for success. So he proposed that we try to see each other more frequently. He also was upfront by telling me he was seeing two other girls. He wanted to tell me the truth bc he said he was dishonest 99 percent of time in past. He said he doesn’t think it’s going to go anywhere w these girls n he volunteered that he hasn’t slept w either of them. But He also said we need to respect each others privacy bc I can never stop by his house like I did the one night (I admit that was totally wrong n immature thing for me to do). I promised that it would never happen again. So he was basically proposing we see each other more frequently instead of sporadic hookups to see if there is a chance for more. He thought I was going to tell him I can’t do that situation bc according to him I Am an all or nothing girl. He knows I normally would not knowingly accept him seeing other girls (I accepted it in the past through my denial b believing if he went out on dates he still wouldn’t sleep w them n we would end it before it got to that point). Due to my desperation, I accepted these terms thinking I could be less needy n act cooler n try to date others too in hopes he would eventually get closer to me. Well it only lasted a week bc although I said I accepted this situation, I still had concerns n asked him if he would consider only seeing me since he said he loved me. He told me he can’t break it off with them bc he’s been seeing them for a while. He said he enjoys having me in his life n so I said I would try to do things the way he proposed. I said I would date others n try to be less clingy w him. The conversation ended on a good note. Well, the next time we got together I was over his house n he got annoyed bc I was asking him too mAny questions. Please note these were questions about stupid stuff just to make conversation like how his day was n about where he got the new nice pics on his wall (I did not ask any questions about girls or relationship stuff). Well he became very rude n I said he was being a jerk n he kicked me out of his house by asking me to leave. A few days later we talked n he said it was over bc I want a relationship n he doesn’t want angst or drama. He also said that we don’t hv fun like we used to?! Anyway that was just a little bit of the background. He also unfollowed me on Instagram.
My question is why now? I know this is screwed up but I guess I’m willing to still see him even if I get crumbs. Did he end it bc he was afraid I’d stop by his house while he had girls over? Was it bc he realized it would be too much work to still see me? A part of me thinks he’s trying to be compassionate bc he said he doesn’t want to give me unrealistic expectations but my friends say that even if he partly did it to be nice, he ended it mainly to avoid the work n aggravation. They say he does things to suit his needs n he doesn’t seem to hv much empathy for others. If he was being nice that really makes me feel screwed up. Maybe he respects me more than I respect myself. So now it’s final but it kills even more so bc he is the one who ended it with me.
How do I stop being attracted to unavailable men?!
Can someone just respond how to cope when the assclowns ends it w u instead of other way around? I mean I should hv been one to end it but he did. Also how do you ever get over them
Jennifer, you are not ready to handle the truth. Right now, you are aching for this man to contact you. You’ve built him up as your savior. He isn’t your savior.
You seem to want to know the “Side Piece Bill of Rights”. There’s no such thing. The guy in question seems to have always kept you on the side, and he wants the least amount of hassle with you while he pursues another life with other women.
You are happy with crumbs. That is what you said. You have not even begun to realize that THAT is the problem. Until you start digging into the “whys” behind your reasons for being happy with crumbs, you are stuck in the role of being this man’s side piece. In your world right now, you can’t even imagine a life without him.
You are not going to move on until you start to imagine a life without him.
Stay at this blog and read Natalie’s older posts. Feel the pain that other BRs readers have experienced, and see that you are not alone in barking up the wrong tree for love and validation. Take strength from the posts that show how other BRs have learned to move on.
Elgie
was there anything I could hv done? I mean if I had more self respect would he have stayed with me? He told me in relationships he doesn’t want to hv to worry about someone else’s needs and in past relationships girls get clingy. I fear he’s going to change into the guy I always wanted for some other girl. How do you get to have self live for yourself so you don’t want don’t one who doesn’t want you. I know I have to do that but I don’t know how
Hi Jennifer,
My two cents… Elgie gave excellent feedback to you. With this EU NON-relationship guy, if you REALLY want to get over him, you need to start with No Contact. The best predictor of behavior is what? PAST BEHAVIOR. Several years ago I learned that ANY time a man makes reference to not wanting/ not looking for/ not ready for a relationship, IT’S OVER AT THAt MOMENT. Even IF he *acts relationshippy* with you. BECAUSE he already used his ‘get out of jail free card’. He already told he is NOT COMMITTING. He CAN and WILL DO whatever he wants. You choosing to accept it is now your choice. I believe that a person even REMOTELY interested in pursuing a relationship would NOT say these things. And now, I don’t even trust anyone who APPEARS to have authentic intentions because I didn’t learn about future fakers, ‘nice’ guys and narcissists until 1.5 years ago. Then again, even EUs and creepers don’t want to date me. But anyhow, you start with modifying your behavior, responses, and interactions with people that treat you like crap. And you have to decide what crap means.
Thank you ! U r both so right. It’s just going to be hard to focus on me. It’s going to be a tough journey.
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All I can say is that you’ve done it once again Nat! Hit that nail bang! Straight on the head. This blog is spot on and resonates with me so much.
I am now out of my rose tinted coma and thinking and looking clearly. I have been an emotional comfort blanket for a grown man for the last 5 months because I was kept hooked by some future faking and a strong connection that ultimately was not strong enough to keep him that interested.
I have been 4 weeks zero ‘no contact’ and I don’t expect to hear from him as this is one of the ways in which he did not prioritise me (like I did him) in the first place. We met only once and spent the whole day together, we spoke and texted on/off every 2-3 for 5 months. I suddenly realised that I knew whay more about him than he did about me and it was like had become his counsellor rather than potential girlfriend.
All I wanted in return was for him to ‘show up’ for me too. Check in first with me for a change?, ask me out on another date?, go for coffee together? He couldn’t commit to any of it but when I offered him an easy way out to be done with me he couldn’t let go either?
I suspect he’s noticed his comfort blanket/pacifier/oxygen tank/personal cheerleader etc… has suddenly vanished off the face of the Earth. And part of me hopes he is getting withdrawal symptoms from having that removed without warning (like he did to me several times).
I know he know’s I am a ‘good woman’ and a real gem. He wasn’t ready for me or didn’t want the whole package but still wanted to keep me to himself for stability and reliability. Unfortunately he is not the worst user I’ve come across, but yet another lesson to learn from. (Big sigh…..)
Dina, believe me, they do feel it. They remember how they felt so good around us – but deep down, they know they’re not capable of giving at the level we were. They know they’re not good enough for us or prepared to deliver on their bs. They know we’re quality and they just try to take as much as they can before we figure out they’re not all that. Like someone left the door unlocked and they quietly take what they can before the alarm goes off. I think they do feel guilty (as they should) and that’s why they want to hit the Reset Button. Not because they’re ready to come correct but because they don’t want to feel like an asshole (NML writes eloquently about this).
I am perfectly happy letting my ex-EUM feel like an asshole. I used to soothe his ego and build him up in the hopes he would rise to the occasion. But now… he deserves to feel like an asshole and I won’t be there to comfort him anymore. There are consequences for treating me like a free therapist, feeling entitled to my time/attention and orgasms with nothing to offer me in return. The consequences are, you get to feel like shit, dude. THEY KNOW. Believe me. And once you’re clear you have no sympathy for them because you figured them out, they will steer clear. Stay strong… you got this. xoxo
I came across this blog a few days ago, after recently coming across the truth about an individual who attempted to convince me that he wasn’t who I thought he was. In reality he possessed more of the negative qualities than I had orginally presumed. He was friends with someone who I dated a few months back (which ended horribly), so I don’t really know what I was expecting jumping into getting to know and potentially being with someone who was associated in the past with someone who didn’t have positive characteristics (birds of a feather). I am currently realizing that I choose to select people to date who I am superior too. Not on the sense that I am truly “better” than them because, I’d like to think that everyone has something to offer, but I realize I don’t give myself enough credit when it comes to how I operate in life. I’m a 24 year old girl, and I am currently on the verge of starting an actual career. I’d like to think that I am doing the right thing even though it feels like I’m not sometimes. I have always struggled with being introverted, and working through my negative emotions, so when I came across this blog, it seemed to help me really understand my worth. It seems like I am consistently being treated as if I’m an option, and I tend to allow it a lot of the times because, I don’t want to seem like I’m someone who’s “needy” or “dependent”. I am constantly giving my potential partners the upper hand in the relationship because, I don’t want to seem like such a dependent person. The truth is I have finally come to the realization that I truly do want to be with someone who is a great person all around. I always make excuses for people’s lack of being a “good” person, but I made a pledge to myself that this ends now. I know that I deserve better, and I know I will eventually get better. It’s a strange feeling to accept the fact that maybe “you’re the problem”. Although I know I did not cause the mistreatment, I allowed it, therefore I am part of the problem. People making you an option negatively impacts your self-esteem even if logically in your head it doesn’t make sense how someone who’s inferior to you can make YOU the option. I feel as though I am always building people up and it consistently blows up in my face. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with supporting and being there for someone in a time of need, but it does severely affect the dynamic of the relationship. I don’t believe that it is anyone’s job to build up another person, I think it is the relationships job to build together. If I get into a situation or relationship next time and I sense they are treating me as an option, or a notice any negative characteristics about them, I know that I have to make the decision to leave because, I DESERVE BETTER. I can only hope that I come across a person who has my best interest at heart and will do their best to always respect me because, I am willing to do the same. There’s a quote that states “you deserve the love you so freely give to everyone else”, I now believe this. This blog has helped me realize a lot about myself, and I am currently interested in going to therapy again to work through my resentment and pain that I gained through all of the negative relationship experiences I have had.