1. He tells you.
There’s a whole lotta lines that guys trot out that equal “I’m just in it for the sex” or that they don’t want a relationship. And a lot of the time, we’ll ignore this because we don’t want to see him or ourselves in this way. When they say that just want to have “fun’ and aren’t looking for a relationship, or they make noises about “going with the flow” and not getting any ideas about a relationship, they’re saying that it’s just about sex (or whatever else they’re getting). What it isn’t about is a relationship. Instead of rationalising and hoping that he will change his mind after the event, don’t and move on.
2. He is sexual towards you.
Be wary of guys who steer the conversation down the sexual route very quickly. This is Fast-Forwarding , and it’s often ignored and mistaken for a strong attraction and connection. It’s that “He just can’t help himself because he’s so into me” syndrome. Intensity isn’t the same as intimacy. He’s not into you; he’s into the idea of shagging you. Making a lot of sexual innuendos? Steering the conversation onto sex? Staring meaningfully at your breasts and crotch? Yep, it’s highly likely that he’s got one thing on his mind and it’s not getting to know you; it’s getting into your knickers. If you haven’t met him yet, but there’s already sexual talk or even requests for nude photos or sexting, flush.
3. He tries to do more than a kiss on the first date.
No matter how great the sparks are between you both, generally speaking, guys that really do like you can keep their penis in their pants and their hands above board for at least one evening…. And that’s not because having sex on the first date is “wrong” (it isn’t). It’s about intentions and recognising your discomfort. If you’re wondering if it’s just about sex, odds are that you can stand to wait more than one date to sleep together.
4. He suggests that you become f*ck buddies, Friends With Benefits, casual-something-or-other.
It’s not because he’s not ready for a relationship yet; it’s because he just wants to have sex and is emotionally unavailable too. That’s two not so great qualities for the price of…well…your sanity! His mind is on sex and enjoying the fringe benefits of a relationship without the responsibility and commitment of one.
5. He expects something in return for taking you out to dinner and paying for the meal.
Some guys think: paid for date = getting laid tonight. They are the worst. Their sense of entitlement means that they treat women like prostitutes. They’re likely to act all wounded if you don’t invite them back or express discomfort at their advances. This type of mentality doesn’t bode well for a relationship, never mind a date!
6. He doesn’t want to try to get to know you.
A guy doesn’t need to know what colour knickers you’re wearing in order to get to know you. You’ll also find that a lot of the conversation is surface and that it tends to serve the greater purpose of making you feel comfortable enough… to have sex.
7. He seems to call only when it’s 1) dark, 2) late and 3) to arrange when to have sex.
It’s amazing how this can creep up on you. Step back and consider when they call and how much the relationship has progressed (relationships based around sex don’t). Suddenly it will become clear that they’re using you.
8. Your ‘relationship’ hasn’t progressed past buying you drinks/dinner and ending up in bed.
It’s a permanent date (or “pop-up romance). Despite what seemed like initial promise, the relationship has faltered or come to a halt because the focal point is the sex. The only thing he’s interested in building on is his hard-on. If you try to do coupley things, he’s likely to be very uncomfortable or will go along with things but create conflict, so he’s effectively sabotaging any chance of progress. Remember that with this type of guy, every time they think you may want, need, or expect too much, they’ll do something crappy.
9. He doesn’t want to do anything that involves talking to each other properly unless it leads to sex.
Try having a conversation with him that reeks of two people in a relationship and note his patent discomfort.
10. Once the sex is over, he makes a hasty exit.
While some will stick around and dignify you with a cuddle, many don’t like to stay the night lest you think things are getting serious. The ones that do stay over and hang around are astute enough to play the game to avoid creating conflict, but that doesn’t change the fact that they just want sex.
A rule of thumb is that if you feel as if you’re being used, it’s because you are. And if it feels like it’s all about the sex or sex seems to dominate or you have to be reassured that it’s not just about the sex, it’s because it’s all about the sex!
If you find yourself being used for sex, an ego stroke, or a shoulder to lean on (or all three), you should read my book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
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