Users and Being Used Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Podcast Ep. 43: Why Did We Break Up? – Don’t You Want Me

August 30, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 1

It’s time for a Why Did We Break Up? episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. I’m so excited as I’m loving these special editions of the show.

In this second episode (if you missed the first, go to episode 41), Steve is reeling from his recent divorce from Danielle after sixteen years together. They met in 2000 via mutual friends at a club in London and with her being 9 inches taller, he didn’t think he stood a chance with her. Both were grappling with their hurts and issues from previous relationships and proceeded into a tempestuous long-distance relationship. One year down the road, just as they were trying to figure out whether to continue, they found out they were pregnant. Steve, despite the divorce and Danielle having started up with a co-worker before things had ended, is still hoping to win her back and is accepting most, if not all of the blame for the demise of their relationship. I help him to figure out, Why did we break up?

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe either on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please, if you enjoy it, subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps. Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!

Enjoy!

Save

Advice Wednesday: My boyfriend is still married to two women–what should I do?

May 4, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Have you ever been in a situation where if someone else were to tell you that they were in it, you’d be telling them to run for the hills, yet despite this, you’re still there?

I’ve been in some situations where I look back and wonder if I was smoking crack but at the time, the chaos, the absurdity, seemed so normal and there was a part of me wondering if I was being “too harsh” [in recognising the loud code red alerts] and so I second-guessed everything that my mind and body was screaming at me but that I was pushing down, after all, what if this was going to be my fairy tale ending? I think as well, when something is so outrageous but you’re having a good time with this person or you’re inclined to see or should I say, magic up the ‘good’ in people, you can be inclined to rationalise the outrageous, hoping and praying that the outrageous is a blip, the result of desperate moment and that with the love of the right person, they would have no need to do that thing to you.

When you try to bury something outrageous, it becomes an outrageous lie that reflects a betrayal of the self.

Love doesn’t need lies and deception and no matter what somebody claims is their reason for lying to us and possibly others, it is a code red alert to hit pause and depending on how far and wide the lie goes and whether this person is even making amends, it’s time to take a parachute and jump, even if your heart isn’t on board with the truth yet–it’ll get on board when you leave and start telling you the truth instead of denying, rationalising, minimising and excusing so that you can continue with the lie.

In today’s Advice Wednesday (it’s back and in video format), I help Sherry understand why she needs to make her exit. It’s all I can do not to stick on an orange jumpsuit and come through her roof intervention style!

The big takeaway from this situation that can be applied to any and all situations, is never ignore red flags (code amber and red alerts) or your gut and intuition and always take assertive action when confronted with anything related to honesty and integrity because somebody who does not truly care about being honest and their integrity, cannot treat you with love, care, trust and respect. You will be seen as a means to an end as they advance their self-interest.

Have you ever been in a situation that now that you’re out of it, you realise how outrageous it was? What was the clincher for you that finally gave you the impetus to get out? If you have any insights or some advice, please do share.

Take care of you,

Nat

Advice Wednesday #5: My Ex & I Are Very Close (Includes Nude Sleepovers)–Why Does He Sleep With Everyone But Me?

February 24, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

The tricky situation: Kim asks, I pined for a Mr Unavailable for months whilst he let me believe that we were essentially together–same song, different tune, I know. Fast forward–after things reached a breaking point, we agreed to be friends. So, I worked on me and realised that he was an emotional disaster in the first place and not a good match for me anyway, but we have stayed really good friends.

We see each other every day, we talk on the phone multiple times a day, and we have both met our respective families and friends. We easily sleep in the same bed (mostly naked, without sex), and I know almost everything there is to know about him. We live in each others back pockets, and any time we have argued he makes himself sick with worry over losing me from his life (I seldom anger unless there is a very critical issue on the table).

Anyway, we have all these good things between us, but it is still hard for me to feel so rejected and overlooked. I guess I feel kind of ugly because he will sleep with practically anyone at all except for me and we have connected on so many levels but he can’t see his way through to anything romantic. I have held it together thus far, and he really is a close friend, but I keep doubting myself and wondering why this man values me in every other way except romantically. It’s really hard, and I am afraid that I cannot continue at this pace. Am I doing the wrong thing by keeping him in my life? It doesn’t seem fair to punish a person because they do not view me romantically…I have been at the receiving end of that dynamic for most of my life. I don’t know what to think or what to do. Is there any way you can shed a bit of light on what my next steps should be?

********************

In the words of Whoopi Goldberg’s character Oda Mae Brown in Ghost, “Kim, you in danger girl”. Your ‘friend’ is, as we say here in England mugging you off. Imagine you purchased a car from me and discovered that it was faulty and not as described, and I said, “Kim, I’ve been an assclown. I’d hate to lose you. I’ll make things right–I’ll replace it”. You and I hang out in it daily–sometimes we drive around naked without touching, and sometimes you park up while I mess with other women. I keep telling you how I’d hate to lose you and even though the car is playing up, you keep pushing down your concerns and your annoyance. Eventually you realise that I’ve done a superficial fix of the old car and spray-painted it a different colour and called it ‘new’.

You’re also screwing you over.

He’s enjoying all the fringe benefits of a romantic relationship minus the sex while he gets to go and throw his willy about elsewhere. You don’t think that some of the other members in his harem are wondering why he only sleeps with them but you everything else? This guy has it made! He’s play-acting at a relationship and playing you all off against each other.

The truth is, you know what’s going on here but you’re pretending that you don’t and attacking your self-worth. This is denial paraded as naivety.

He’s bang out of order but until you own your part, you’ll be playing Girl Who Doesn’t Have A Clue, while feeling as if this is something he’s doing to you. This is a painful situation… in which you’re an active participant. You have a choice in setting the boundary lines of your friendship and if you’re 100% honest, you’ll see that you’ve seconded yourself to this ‘friendship’ in the hopes of eventually taking up a title relationship where you are The Good Girl Who Made Mr Unavailable Change His Ways. This is not a friendship.

You’re taking what you’re doing to you and calling it his behaviour.

Podcast Ep. 4: Is Facebook ruling your world?, How are you feeling?, The Booty Call Fairy Tale

September 12, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

I can’t believe that I’m up to my fourth episode of “The Baggage Reclaim Sessions” podcast! I must admit to feeling super pleased when it hit #6 in the iTunes self-help chart – woohoo! Thank you for listening!

Each week I cover topics around empowering you to discover and reclaim the great you that already exists, offloading excess emotional baggage, and navigating dating, interpersonal relationships and tricky situations.

I also feature a listener question plus I share something from that week that has helped me to know and care for me better.

Here’s what I cover in episode 4:

Why do we take Facebook so seriously?: Some of the new worries that we have about ourselves and life as a result of the social network, how it’s changed the way that some of us engage and suggestions for putting it into perspective.

The self-care practice of keeping a Feelings Diary: Why it can be so transformative and provide you with a hell of a lot of data that will help you take better care of you. Go to the Goodies page and download the Feelings Diary guide from the worksheet and fun things section.

Why do we keep trying to turn casual relationships into a fairy tale happy ending?: I talk about The Pretty Woman Complex, how we get ourselves into these situations and the importance of taking ownership of our desires and needs, even if it means walking away.

Listener Question – What do you do when you fear that you are emotionally unavailable and doing the very things that you’ve hated previous partners doing to you?: This listener has been through a rough time which has caused her to decide to stop caring, only to end up doing the very things that she has disliked in others. I share some compassionate insight into what’s happening so that she can start to get back on track.

What Nat Learned This Week: It really winds me up when people do that crackhead thing of tapping you up for favours in dribs and drabs and springing stuff on you at the last second so that you’re backed into a corner, which has only gone on to remind me about keeping my own boundaries!

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

Buffers: When You’re The One That They Turn To When They’re Unhappy With Their Current Relationship

October 9, 2014 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

We are creatures of habit and have to pay close attention to where there are running themes in our lives because it points to where we are not only repeating a pattern of thinking and behaviour but that we’re doing so because we’re getting something out of it.

A recurring theme that some Fallback Girls/Guys experience in unavailable relationships is being the person who lends a willing ear, a shoulder to lean on, and even a bed to lie in for people who are having doubts about their current relationship, who want to have a bitch and a gripe about their partners, and who essentially want to avoid their problems by enjoying the attentions of an interested but nonetheless inappropriate party. It may be that you have the label of ‘friend’ but tend to be disruptive in this person’s relationships, believing that you have the right to do so because you’re friends and that anybody who doesn’t understand this and hold back comment about it mustn’t be right for this person. You may feel quite territorial about the friendship and struggle to step back. You’ll let them know that you’ll be there when not if something goes wrong.

It’s very possible that you’re either an ex or that at one point you expressed interest or even slept together but then for whatever reason something didn’t happen and you’ve instead ensured that you’re a fixture in their life and can keep an eye on what’s going on. While you might be open about this, it’s very possible that you have buried your feelings and so are not even aware of how your (and their) behaviour plays out. It’s also very possible that you keep in touch with this person behind their partner’s back. Note: If it’s a secret, it’s inappropriate.

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re a Buffer – someone who takes up an emotional airbag role with a view that once you’ve shown how indispensable and supportive you are, they will get over their ex and choose you. Buffer means rebound relationship territory. You have The Replacement Mentality so you tend to see your way into involvements as you effectively replacing somebody who couldn’t do their ‘job’ properly.

If you can’t be casual about casual sex, it’s not casual sex

March 14, 2014 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

If you can’t be casual about casual sex, then for you, it’s not casual sex. This doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you and it’s not something that you need to apologise for, but what it does mean is that you need to start listening to you instead of spending your time prioritising someone else’s sexual and even ego needs while deprioritising you.

It doesn’t matter if the person who wants to sleep with you casually is totally OK with it or has been with people who are totally OK with it (It begs the question of, where are they now?), you’re not, and you don’t need to feel bad about this or feel compelled to follow a trend. Once you start ignoring your own personal values and basically ‘following’, you stop being conscious and you start operating from a place of unhealthy habits of thinking and behaviour, or even compulsion. Just because someone wants to have sex and you haven’t had sex in a while or you happen to feel horny, it doesn’t mean that you have to oblige that person or follow your libido, especially if by doing either of these things, you end up negatively affecting your overall well-being.

Casual means relaxed and unconcerned.

If you can’t be casual about casual sex, it’s very possible that it’s the fact that the other party is so relaxed and unconcerned to the point of you feeling disrespected, that may be creating a great deal of anxiety and stress in the first place. It may also be that you want more than is on offer or that you are pretending to be relaxed and unconcerned now so that you can enjoy instant gratification, while ignoring the fact that based on how you typically respond to these types of situations or your current level of self-esteem, that you are in fact putting you in harms way. For sex.

Now granted, as grownups, it’s important to ensure that we’re being safe in the sense of contraception and ensuring that we’re not putting ourselves in danger, but this is different to having excessive emotional or even relationship concerns, and is certainly very different to experiencing anxiety about whether we’re going to be able to juggle having sex with a person at the same time as coping with what we may recognise as code amber and red issues including disinterest or disrespect.

Stressing out over casual sex not only suggests a great deal of thought, but also that in the quest to try and force you to be relaxed and unconcerned about something that you’re clearly not feeling that way about, you’re actually ignoring and compromising you in the process.

If the emotional and mental consequences of a casual sex encounter are going to linger for considerably longer than the duration of the encounter (from arranging to completion), it’s best to decline. If you tend to struggle with getting to know someone at the same time as also having to juggle potential emotional consequences from being sexually intimate, it’s best not to be sexually intimate until you can. If even in advance of having sex with the person, you’re expending a great deal of mental and emotional energy on whether or not to do it, that’s a sign that you shouldn’t and that you’re not listening to you in some way. Sure, there are times when we can all be guilty of overthinking something that in retrospect we realise wasn’t really that big a deal but more often than not, when it comes to mental and emotional expenditure on sex that hasn’t even happened yet or has and now we’re wondering where we stand, our responses tell us a lot about where we need to take care of ourselves better.

There’s such a thing as delayed gratification – being able to listen to yourself and recognise your own needs, values, expectations, opinions, and feelings, and postponing instant reward for a later one.

It’s the difference between acting as if this is the last chance sex saloon and that your penis/vagina is going to fall off or dry up and get covered in cobwebs if you don’t, and knowing that sure, it’s possible that you might enjoy it but knowing that it’s better to defer having sex until you’re either in a better place emotionally and trust you to handle the consequences irrespective of the outcome of the involvement, or waiting until you’re in a situation where you can experience emotional and sexual intimacy together. It’s about being conscious, present, and aware, ad recognising where you may be engaging in relationship or sexual insanity – carrying the same baggage, beliefs, attitudes, and behaviours, engaging with the same or similar people, and then expecting different results and even being surprised when you don’t get it. Particularly if you’re considering sleeping with an ex who has done more than screw you in the sack, it’s time to ask where you’re trying to do a Cher and turn back time? Are you trying to right the wrongs of the past?

Let’s also remember that sexual intimacy is not the same as emotional intimacy and that sex drives have no judgement skills…. This is also a good time to remember not to scratch the loneliness itch (or stress, boredom, or even hunger itch), with the wrong scratcher. I’ve run a bit of an experiment with some BR readers and friends who keep getting hurt on the sexual disappointment cycle and most of them mistook various different types of stress, as well as the knock-on effect of feeling inadequate or bored, for horniness.

If you’re thinking, Will I, won’t I?, Can I keep my feelings in check [this time]?, I’m worried about getting hurt (again), I can handle this… I hope…, The sex is great but the person is awful, I’m worried about being used, guess what? This is not casual sex. For them it is but for you it isn’t and if it’s not mutual casual sex then it’s not casual sex.

Your thoughts?

Being ‘super busy’ isn’t a justifiable reason for accepting crumbs and mistreatment

January 13, 2014 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Many people protest about how “super busy” they are – I’ve been guilty of this at times myself – and I regularly hear the, “I don’t have time for dating” and “I don’t have time for a relationship” defences along with what pretty much amounts to, “You draw the short end of the stick including my casual attitude towards you and even my neglect because, well, you know – I’m super busy. Have I mentioned how important I am or how insane my job is, or how everybody wants a piece of me?”

Just as who people are is self-evident, where a person’s priorities lie and what they make time for is self-evident too.

I don’t dispute that we’re busy people living in a busy world. We live in a time where protesting about our never-shrinking todo list and almost competing about how crazy hectic our lives are is the norm. There’s also the pursuit of the work/life ‘balance’ plus the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect and to achieve.

That said, if you’re someone who is doing the whole “I don’t have time for dating / a relationship” but saying that you do want one, or are expecting somebody who deserves better (and will probably keep giving you more of their time in the hopes that you’ll change your mind), to basically put up with you throwing them a bone from time to time, and are even justifying inconsiderate or even shady behaviour on your ‘busyness’, it’s time for you to go on a BS Diet.

If you genuinely believe that you don’t have the time to date, then don’t date or certainly don’t give potential partners the impression that you’re up for and are offering more than what you are.

If you don’t believe that you can spare a few hours a week, or you feel that you only want to use that time to engage in distant (read: lazy) communication and/or only want to use that time for sex, ego stroking etc, you don’t have time for a mutual relationship. You want to keep it casual. If a person having needs, feelings, expectations, opinions etc is ‘taxing’ and you’re already mentally working out how to stop them from getting ‘carried away’ (possibly without being direct and honest), halt.

Your reasons for not having time are your reasons – own them. You don’t need to justify those reasons to anybody once you honour them but when you don’t do this and engage in contradictory behaviour that may leave a person questioning themselves and certainly questioning your integrity, an explanation will be looked for because your flip-flapping and backtracking will create questions and confusion, even if to you, it all makes logical sense.

Until you’ve genuinely rearranged your priorities, or your work / home situation changes, or whatever it is, it doesn’t make sense to half-assedly pursue dating or a relationship for your own ego’s sake, or to tick some box in your head or with your family, friends or ‘everyone’, because ultimately, people are humans with feelings and lives of their own.

I’m not saying don’t get laid or have fun with likeminded folk; I’m saying quit with the whole I Am The Busiest Person On Earth, Possibly Busier Than A World Leader or Superhero protestations. You doth protest too much. Stop using it to manage down people’s expectations – manage your own.

Busyness is something that offers us protection from having to be vulnerable and having to face aspects of ourselves and our lives. You don’t think workaholics are the way that they are because they’re so crazy about their job, do you?

If you’re on the receiving end of this whole “I don’t have time for dating / a relationship” malarkey, take them at their word, not at their strokes whether they’re ego or sexual ones.

It’s hard not to take it personally especially when it feels like you’ve been having a great time or that you could be so great together ‘if only’ they’d put in the time, energy, effort, and emotion but fact is, as humans we overestimate our capacity to be and do certain things and when it all gets a bit too real for us and we don’t have the high of the honeymoon period to carry us along – everything feels great at the beginning including new habits and interests – the reality of what we’ve been saying and doing along with any expectations created plus our own feelings, is exposed.

The thing is, it’s not your job to open up someone’s schedule or their emotions for that matter. It’s their job to make time and if you take over their responsibilities, you will take away any foundations that would act as the basis for a healthy relationship. It’s not your job to convince a person into being involved with you or to make more time because you’re getting into the whole selling territory. It’s a slippery slope because they end up on a pedestal and this automatically makes your relationship imbalanced.

I hear from people who have been making the busy excuse for ‘partners’ for anything from months to 20 years. Sometimes we forget that we’re too old to be waiting for mummy or daddy to come home and make time for us. It’s also safe to say that we hang around out of fear that if we tell them to jog on, their schedule will magically open up for someone else. In the meantime, we accept crumbs and they have their behaviour reinforced by our continued presence because they don’t experience natural consequences.

Don’t let anyone put you on layaway!

If they can’t manage their time and ‘fit you in’ now, how are they going to fit you in later when there will be more commitment and expectations? What’s your plan – to wait around? To hang in the shadows? To be The Most Perfect Person On Earth TM and/or to have no needs, feelings, opinions etc? That’s a half life.

If a person doesn’t have time for you they don’t have time for a relationship which means that it can’t progress, it won’t be balanced, consistent, committed (in whatever guise that takes – it doesn’t have to mean marriage) or genuinely intimate, plus over time you will become desensitised to this treatment due to being used to that person (and you) using their super busyness to justify their behaviour and attitude. It certainly won’t be mutual but you’ll certainly be shortchanged.

When someone blanks you / disappears & then reappears to ask a favour of you, it’s OK to say no

November 13, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Something that many people, especially those with people-pleasing inclinations struggle with, is what to do when someone who disappeared reappears to basically ask a favour of you. They want support, help, kindness and basically generosity beyond what they’re due and what the normal run of things is. After weeks, months or even years, this person pops up, possibly with an apology and explanation, possibly not, and then asks for help, money, a place to stay, an alibi, sex or whatever. Of course it’s not what they’re due or entitled to and it’s outside of the norm because normally if one has vanished into thin air or has stopped talking to or is even mad at a person, a favour shouldn’t factor in there.

I’ve been in this situation enough times to know that when a person suddenly conveniently reappears in your life just as they also happen to need something from you, there’s a pervasive air of ambiguity and akwardness. If neither of you says anything about the silence, the absence or their possible prior anger, you end up feeling worried about looking like you’re bringing up old shit / being rude or you worry that you’ve missed the window of opportunity to say something, and so feel compelled to play all nicey nice while they chat to you with faux cheeriness mixed with edge due to them knowing that they need to find an opening to ask you. There’s a part of you that’s thinking that surely they’re going to say something, after all, there’s no way that you would have the brass nuts to just breeze on up as if nothing happened. Maybe there’s some awkward pauses and you think, It’s coming! They’re gonna say something…. And….nope…

Some people don’t really know how to make amends or to address issues so they just hope that their absence takes care of it and that given enough time, they can just act like nothing happened. I was talking with a friend recently about how family can drive you batty with this kind of carry-on. “We’re family (said in my best Peggy Mitchell from Eastenders voice). If I wanna cuss you down, blank you, have a ridiculous argument with you and then never speak about it again and expect you to act like nothing happened, I can. We’re family!” Of course we’re people with feelings and memories that can’t just be switched off. We might even be adults who like to actually attempt to address things in a mature fashion.

In some cases, it’s a matter of the person relying on the fact they’ve ‘come back’ and the attendant awkwardness to tap into your need to please. If you don’t tend to make waves and are near to chomping at the bit to have them back in your life and to get their validation in some way, the awkwardness is an advantage to them, especially if you have issues with saying no or “Let me get back to you.”

Faux empathy and backdated empathy: When it feels like you’ve been ‘jacked’

October 2, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

I was laughing with a friend recently about feeling emotionally jacked by somebody. Many moons ago, she’d shared a painful experience with her mother, only be to met with derision and a lack of support. Feeling ashamed and as if her feelings and experience didn’t matter, she felt momentarily validated when her mother appeared to express belated or ‘backdated’ empathy a number of years later, until the whole thing got turned around to her mother only appearing to be empathetic because she wanted my friend’s support and empathy. “She jacked me! TWICE!”

Faux empathy is when a person gives the appearance of being empathetic – so thoughtful, caring, considerate etc – but is doing it in a surface way to extract something from you. If you’ve ever had what appeared to be empathy only for that person to say or do something not long after that left you with your head spinning in confusion, you’ve experienced faux empathy.

One better (or even two, three, four or whatever) ’empathisers’ will take what you’re going through and raise you a ‘I’ve been through it too… and it was much worse…’. They can be emotional and even situational hijackers as you end up forgetting your own feelings and perspective and comforting them. You may even feel guilty or belittle your own experience to inflate theirs.

In its most innocent form, the one better empathiser isn’t intending to hijack but they forget to circle back to you because they’re getting and giving empathy to themselves. They may catch themselves and apologise or feel embarrassed afterwards. In its dodgier form, the ‘one better’ empathiser does what they do because they have to reassert this grandiose notion that nobody’s feelings or experiences are as important as their own. For a few moments you’re a victim and they’re not so they have to snatch back the limelight.

I’ve come across so many people who are still affected by their experiences of abuse, bullying, rape, harassment, and loss because their experiences were compounded by insensitive and sometimes downright awful comments and actions of people from whom they’d expected some level of support and understanding. Backdated empathy can be a good thing depending on the context.

With backdated empathy, the person is letting you know that they didn’t recognise your feelings and position back then but they are doing so now. They might explain why they said or did what they did and express remorse and regret. It can pave the way to deeper discussions and mending relationships. Even if you don’t need their support (or validation) any longer, what they express can give you a renewed sense of peace and closure.

Where backdated empathy gets pretty dicey (and like a double smack in the face) is when it happens because they’re now experiencing similar (or just going through a very difficult time) and they want your empathy (and possibly sympathy) and they’re even ‘one-bettering’ you too. You always know when this has happened because in spite of any initial feelings of validation, you feel used and possibly worse than you did before. It’s likely that they won’t want mention of the previous incident and will get defensive if you do.

Revisted: How To Avoid Being a Passing Time Candidate – 30 Signs That Somebody Isn’t Interested Or Is Half-Heartedly Interested In You

July 26, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

On the fence. 30 Signs of Disinterest. Photo by Nick Tiemeyer on Unsplash

One of my most frequently asked questions is, How do I know whether he/she is interested in me? What often trips us up, isn’t whether they’re interested in us but what they’re actually interested in us for and whether we have a match. Us humans are inclined to be blinded by the ‘hallmarks’ (gifts, shags, big talk and even being introduced to their parents/friends) but are often left hungry due to the lack of ‘landmarks’ (consistency, balance, progression, commitment, intimacy plus shared values with love, care, trust and respect). When we have the landmarks, we have the interest.

In this post, I share 30 signs of disinterest that not only undermine any perceived landmarks but that also put a serious question mark over any hallmarks.

About this list

In the past, I made a lot of excuses for the behaviours of people that I was involved with, the anxiety that I felt with them and my continued investment. Over the years of writing this blog, I’ve read thousands of comments and emails where we make excuses, rationalise shady stuff, ignore code red and amber alerts and our own needs, and basically linger or even stay rammed stuck in relationships long beyond their ‘use by date’.

We do this all on the basis of a couple of things: the person is still ‘there’ in some capacity and we assume that they have ‘some’ interest that can be made into ‘more’. Cue trying to prove ourselves, seeking validation and attempting to avoid rejection. One of the things that we must do–and by we, I mean both men and women because these issues affect both sexes–is to recognise when someone isn’t interested or is ‘vanilla’ in their interest.

The key here is to avoid splitting hairs about what level of interest they have because it all boils down to two things:

This person is either in or they’re out and they’re either treating you decently or they’re not.

If any of the following signs of disinterest are in your relationship, I’d take a parachute and jump because all 30 of these either on their own or joined up with others make for an unhealthy partnering. You deserve better. Don’t sell yourself short.

Recognise signs of disinterest so that you don’t allow someone to ‘pass time’ with you.

1. They’re not contacting you or are sporadically contacting you.

2. They may not even bother speaking with you and rely predominantly on emails, text messages, and instant messenger.

3. They treat you like an option.

4. They don’t want to put both of their feet in and commit. They’d like you to ‘go with the flow’ even if there is none and not expect beyond that.

5. The relationship doesn’t progress – it goes in fits and starts, stalls, or goes into reverse.

6. They’re keeping you a secret.

7. They tend to be around/call you up when they want something (read: they’re a user). It might be money, attention, an ego stroke, sex, an armchair psychologist, but if you think back to all the times when you’ve heard from them, you may notice that it was a preamble to something.

8. They leave it to the last minute/short notice to make plans. They may not even bother to make last minute plans – they might just show up late at night expecting you to be around.

9. They create drama to hint at their disinterest because they’re hoping that you will do the dirty work and end the relationship.

10. When you’re broken up with them, they get in touch, often in a lazy manner just to ensure that you still jump to their beat. In fact, take the fact that you’re not in a relationship with them as a major sign of disinterest. Don’t make the mistake of thinking they got in touch because they want to get back together.

Am I Being Used? Recognising When You’re Being Taken For a Ride… Possibly Literally…

February 22, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

One of the issues that many people struggle with is recognising when they’re being used, which is when a person avails themselves of something or someone as a means of accomplishing their chief aim. They exploit what they perceive as a vulnerability in order to gain an advantage.

While there are instances when it’s quite obvious that you’re being used, like when somebody suddenly starts spending a lot of time around you and then asks you for something and then once they’ve got it, they either ask for something else or move onto someone else, being used is something, that like abuse, can creep up on you and catch you unawares. When you recognise it, you may doubt yourself, especially if you tend to like to ‘see the best in people’ or you’re inclined to be a blame absorber.

Using is likely to have an element of ‘targeting’ – recognising that a person can be of use, with it sometimes coming down to exploiting what they perceive as ‘vulnerabilities’, which may just be good traits, such as being giving or trusting. Or, having the perfect ‘flaw’ that’s not a flaw like a ‘suddenly’ unpalatable age gap, race, religion, child etc.

Readers regularly share stories with me about people who came back into their lives after a long time (Returning Childhood ‘Sweetheart’ and boomeranging exes) as well as tales of casual relationships that started out oh-so-fun but resulted in plenty of pain. It’s easy to get caught up in why they thought that an ex who did them over when they were sixteen was going to be their saviour thirty years later, or whether one can truly expect to get into a casual involvement and not get their fingers burnt when what they really want is to be loved inside a relationship, not dialed (or texted) as if ordering a sex pizza with a topping of ego stroking pepperoni, but there’s something very important being missed here:

Of all the people in all the world, why did they get back in touch with you? Why did they choose to tap you up for a casual arrangement?

If for instance, your younger work colleague goes through a breakup and then starts flirting with you and then propositions you for a casual relationship, you might feel flattered, especially if you’re not feeling that confident about your dating prospects. You might think Ah, what the hell and dive right in there for some fun and maybe it is fun for a while until you’re not able to keep your feelings in check. You tell him/her that your feelings have changed and they say… “I really like you but I just don’t think a relationship with our age gap would work” and it becomes clear that this is actually a strong value that they’ve always possessed, not something ‘inspired’ by you.