Podcast Ep. 235: Delusions of Inferiority

This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is about inverted narcissism. This is where we make everything about us, only it’s that we have an overinflated sense of our inferiority. Narcissists and the narcissistically-inclined, on the other hand, have an overinflated sense of superiority. Exaggerating our flaws and power keeps us locked in a vicious cycle of feelings of low self-worth and blame. I delve into what inverted narcissism is, why we do it, why all humans are narcissistic at times, and how to start breaking the habit.

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Android

5 key topics in this episode

• Inverted narcissism is delusions of inferiority. We exaggerate how unworthy we are and how much influence we have over other people’s feelings and behaviour. And we secretly feel better about this. In fact, sometimes we use feeling bad, not good enough, as proof that we are a ‘good’ person.
• Being in unfulfilling and unhealthy relationships with emotionally unavailable and shady people is our attempt at elevating our status and meeting our emotional needs. The idea is that if we can make them change (or we can ‘level up’), then we are finally ‘good enough’.
• Narcisissts exploit others to advance their self-interests and meet their goals. With inverted narcissism, we exploit ourselves (and allow others to use us) to meet ours. And it’s easy to rationalise that it’s not as problematic. Because we’re willing to exploit ourselves to advance our goals we feel as if it’s compensation for our ‘giving’ with a hidden agenda.
• Acknowledging that we all have a narcissistic aspect and narcissistic moments 1) doesn’t make us all narcissists and 2) doesn’t erase very real and painful experiences with an actual narcissist or someone who’s narcissistically inclined. Between boundaries, including empathy and allowing ourselves to gain perspective, we gradually realise that something is off and heal, grow and learn. An actual narcissist (or the narcissistically inclined) doesn’t have the empathy levels to do this.
• Inverted narcissism is another way of confining us to playing roles in our relationships like The Good Girl/Guy, The Scapegoat, The Listener, The Giver, The Rescuer/Fixer/Helper, The Odd One Out. We may have built these stories to keep our love intact for a parent or caregiver or as a way of making ourselves important in the narrative of our childhood in a way that a parent or caregiver failed to. 

Examples of inverted narcissism

• Believing that we know what others think and feel. 
• Near-constantly trying to prove ourselves.
• Believing we can please someone into becoming emotionally available or less shady, more empathetic, etc.
• Acting as if code amber or red alerts aka red flags shouldn’t exist because we’ve been ‘good’.
• Feeling wounded by people being themselves even though we’ve been ‘good’.
• Trying to be the exception to the rule. 
• The one-false-move mentality. 
• Believing that people are deliberately withholding a better version of themselves because of our unworthiness.
• Being obsessed with being a ‘good person’.
• Trying to make someone like us when we suspect, even if mistakenly, or know that they don’t like us.
• Deciding that we are the one to save, fix, heal, help them.
• Deciding that they should be different from who they are because we’ve set our sights on them and/or gambled with our boundaries.
• Believing that boundaries, including saying no, hurt people. 
• Hanging out with people to try to catch self-worth.
• Trying to turn romantic partners, friends and even co-workers and bosses into our parental replacements.
• Acting as if us having flaws makes us different from the other almost-eight-billion people on the planet.
• Acting as if we know best or that we’re the only one who can do something (or love someone).
• Blaming ourselves for other people’s feelings and behaviour. 
• Blaming not getting what we want on unworthiness. e.g. There must be something wrong with me because they hurt me and wouldn’t commit.
• Going out with a narcissist or sociopath and trying to get them back or being hung up on who they’re with.
• Taking a flaw, exaggerating the eff out of it and using this to write you off or to explain why things happen.

Links mentioned

• Trying to control the uncontrollable (ep 234)
• Are you being ‘nice’, or are you disguising anger and control? (ep 195)
• Checking your sense of entitlement stops you from busting boundaries
• How our perceived entitlement to what we want is keeping us stuck
• Entitlement and The Lean Period (ep 137)
• Dating anxiety and efforting (ep 130)
• Efforting – The release and relief of giving up try-ing (ep 121)
• Keeping Up With Comparison (eps 162 and 163)
• Break The Cycle of Emotional Unavailability
• Making you special in a negative ways
• Narcissistic harems in a nutshell
• The truth about narcisissts: 20 mindset shifts to stop you crazy-making yourself
• Your worthiness isn’t to blame (ep 182)
• Roles in relationships (ep 128)
• I failed, and I’m OK (ep 126)
• What’s the baggage behind it? (ep 2)
• The Emotional Baggage Sessions free audio series
• Instagram | Facebook | Twitter

Subscribe and/or leave a review on Apple Podcasts (how-to guide here). It really helps in growing the show! If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Are you ready to stop silencing and hiding yourself in an attempt to ‘please’ or protect yourself from others? My book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (Harper Horizon), is out now.

Add to favorites