This is an excerpt from…Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl eBook talking about the issue of ‘Betting on Potential’ – one of the recurrent destructive behaviours that keep Fallback Girls rooted in dubious relationships…
“Potential is something that should be derived from the promise of actual actions that have already occurred, not the blinkered fairy tale in your head. Potential is about the potential of the relationship, NOT the potential of what the guy could be if only x, y, and z were to occur. Here is the difference:
You should see potential in a relationship that has the positive hallmarks of a relationship with direction. This normally occurs because both parties are getting to know each other, there is consistency, there is no ambiguity, there is communication of feelings, and both parties have both their feet in the relationship.
You shouldn’t see potential in what someone could be if only they reverted back to initial behaviour displayed when you first met them, or their glimmers of occasional positive relationship behaviour.
The consistent, true relationship behaviour of Mr Unavailable is the one you put up with for the bulk of the time – unavailability and ambiguity.
Because he’s very good at reeling you in when he’s doing the chase, you’re focused on those first few giddy times which you use as a benchmark of proof that he could be Mr Wonderful if you ride things out.
One scenario relies on positive progression and development, and the other relies on hoping that he’ll change, instead of accepting that he is what he is, and running.
The fantasy of his potential may be lovely in theory, but the here and now is what counts. Where it is particularly dangerous is when the eagerness to be in any relationship, with any man overrides the quality of the relationship and the man, because the woman fears being single. These women see potential with every damn guy in their eagerness to feel the security of having a man. They aren’t even paying attention to whether they do or they don’t feel bad around him, whether they do or they don’t actually truly desire him and what he has to offer, and they certainly aren’t watching for red flag behaviour.
They bet on potential with every guy because they already have a predetermined idea of what a potential relationship could be. They’re not having relationships with these men – they’re having relationships with the script in their head.”
You’ll know you’ve been spending too much time at the relationship casino if:
You tend to start fantasising about him being the one very quickly within meeting him. You do this with every guy.
You often say things like ‘I wish he’d go back to being the way he used to be.’ Or ‘Why can’t he be like old Mike [or whatever his name is]’.
You suffer with I Can Change Him Syndrome.
You choose men for odd reasons that they rarely live up to or make a difference to the relationship.
You keep returning to the scene of the crime
You’re in a long drawn out relationship that appears to have no direction, but no conclusion either.
Women who bet on potential are the queens of living in limbo. They pick and keep men for such odd reasons that the poor men in question rarely, if ever displayed, and they focus their attention on behaviour that hasn’t happened yet to justify their input into the relationship. They live in a fantasy world. It is impossible to be real about yourself, him, or your situation if you’re not even living in reality!
I always emphasise that men always have the option to be upfront but …women also always have the option of saying no and opting out of what is being offered instead of betting on potential or just not listening.
This type of destructive behaviour sets you up for a fall because you are building castles in the sky and you have unrealistically high, baseless, expectations that you are failing to adjust in the face of the reality of what you are living. Expectations within a relationship rely on both parties being involved, just like communication. They mean absolutely nothing if you have failed to address whether your expectations are realistic and whether your partner is along for the ride with these expectations. You’re not only setting a trap for yourself, but for your partners because they fall short of the mark without knowing what the mark was in the first place and whether it was something that they wanted to do.”
Have you been betting on potential? Does this dominate your choice in men?
Your thoughts?
If you have been betting on potential or you regularly find yourself in dubious relationships, you should be reading my ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and buy and download.
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I totally placed a bet on the potential of my EUM, who has never delivered or been anything other than a “dream of what could be” in my head. There, I said it! Unfortunately, the “bet” I made cost me a lot more than I wanted to invest. It cost me things like self-esteem and self-worth and also self-confidence. It made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Was it worth it? No. Will I ever fall in love with an EUM again? No! Will I keep reading this site to keep me grounded? Yes! 🙂
Ah, yes…I have been there. The trick is to remind yourself that while everyone had that relationship dynamic while young, you’re really holding yourself back as far as becoming an emotional, psychological, and (sometimes, depending on the type of lameness the guy suffers from) financial adult if you tie yourself to someone who can’t or won’t give you what you need. There are true adults out there–and holding out for one is what makes YOU one.
However…..I am not a youngster, and I still got involved with an EUM after a 17 year marriage! I think I am living proof that it isn’t just the “young” women that fall for EUMs and have relationship difficulties. I do consider myself an adult–just one with some work to do regarding choosing the right men!
🙂
Well in my case he just plain lied to me right in my face. I made sure he knew what I was about, what I stood for and what my values were and when I asked where he stood with us, he told me he was committed to me and this relationship, well I believed him.
A few months later his actions and his words were way out of whack and then being head over heels with this guy I started betting on that potential.
5 months later during an argument he looks me right in my face and wants a break up and when I ask him about the committment bit, he says cooly to me ” Things change” well there it was.
Did I leave then…….Helll Noooooo..I stayed around dooling out love and betting on potential.
Come on ladies look back, there were so many times we could have ended it and yet we stayed on and things just got worse.
Its time to get straight and being honest about what we want and need and conveying that to our partners in the right way and if it does not mesh, then its bye bye.
I used to bet on potential and I still, to this day, wrestle with the lure of doing it again with my EUM ex with whom I work.
I’ll write this – as a confession of sorts – and to provide an example. I know that my ex’s birthday is in May. We didn’t date during his birthday and he’s very weird about telling me the day when I have asked in the past. He’s told me, but I would always forget so – anyway – he’d be cagey when I asked.
Today – I was actually thinking of ordering him a t-shirt as a joke gift that has an expression on it – which is a bit of an inside joke for us. (we hooked up about five weeks ago after being broke up for about six months – we are NOT getting back together, but I still feel the temptation to go back and try to change him or get us back to where we once were)
I got as far as the screen to enter my credit card number for the t-shirt – I was going to have it sent to him with a card. And – I just couldn’t do it. I stopped and thought to myself:
1. what exactly do I want to accomplish here?
(answer – to get him to thank me and want to spend time with me – which he has already said – he doesn’t want to get back together because we are in two different times in our lives and want different things. (yet he peppers his honesty with saying things that keeps me endeared to him – nice mix – not))
2. Why do I think my sending him something – when he won’t even tell me his actual birthdate – is something that he would respond to?
(answer: it WON’T – it would be a weird thing to do and is a little stalkerish/crazy ex-girlfriend or FB like)
3. Most importantly – what does it say about me that I keep trying to throw good water after bad – and capture the attention or CHANGE this guy that so clearly does not want to change.
(answer: either I am just so used to this pattern that it’s hard to break the habit OR I don’t feel I deserve better)
I’m not sure if it’s true that I don’t think I deserve better. But there are some esteem issues here – I am sure. Hopefully it’s a good sign that I am holding back on my impulses now.
But – I do think that I’m addicted to the chase-back away cycle that I’ve had with him for two years. Right now, he’s in back away cycle and I’m in chase (or at least trying not to chase).
Even if I hold back now – will he start his chase again? Maybe. THEN I will need to just say – NO BETTING ON POTENTIAL – or wishing things could permanently be “good times”. There is NO potential and no more good times for us – it’s just done. And if he ever starts his chase again, I will need not to respond. It’s been so over for so long. Part of me is frustrated because I haven’t met anyone else that is interesting. I do think that’s because I have my own stuff to work on.
So – here’s to continuing with the work!
FinallyOverIt, I wasn’t trying to imply that you (or anyone else) was immature…I think that it’s very easy and understandable to want to believe what someone tells you, and it’s made very difficult sometimes if the fellow is a good liar. I only meant that being an adult means making the tough choice to cut someone out of your life. I sucked at it for a long time, and if the BF started being horrible now…three days before we move in together…I guess I can’t vouch for how I would respond. It makes me feel ewwy to think about it.
Nicely done NML!
“Why can’t he see that we could be incredible together?” That was the silly little song that played in my head. I always thought that, if he would just give it a chance, we could have something amazing together. But, as you pointed out, that ‘something’ was a figment of my imagination.
Listen to Colbie Caillat’s Realize…”If you’d just realize what I just realized, then we’d be perfect for each other and never have to wonder…” UGH! It was written for women betting on potential. I’d listen to that stupid song for hours and cry wondering why he couldn’t see it.
Obviously, I needed to read this post! Hurry up and get #2 out already! hehe…jk! And, yes, I know I quote song lyrics way too much! 🙂
I am NOT dating someone I wish I was dating. It’s a friendship and I have been betting on the potential of it becoming more. I do not feel better when I am around this guy. Last night he called and was actually mean to me. Instead of being angry, like any normal human being, I started justifying why he would do this and how this wasn’t really him. Well, it is him. He’s showing me who he is, but am I listening?
Ashley, stop chasing! I could never look at my guy ever again, I am so embarrassed that I chased and chased, still can’t believe I did that.
OMG, never ever again.
NML, hurry with book #2 please! 🙂
Finallyoverit, I am not a youngster either, just don’t have a lot of experience, but oh boy, I am learning so much now – kinda like a crash course.
I am ready! 🙂
Jen, I wish you had the experience I have had with having a “friend” and wanting it to be more. I know sometimes it does transition into a romantic relationship, but being “friends” can also be a copout for these emotionally retarded man-boys. They can enjoy your company without having to make a commitment, and can string you along for an eternity. Please be careful, and listen to your gut about the red flags!
Finallyoverit – At least when you know about it you can do something with the knowledge – I’m frightened for the ones who just have no clue! There is something quite relieving about admitting it because it gives you some power.
Honey – Amen! Just don’t settle! That doesn’t mean by overtly picky, but trust me, we KNOW when we’re settling for anything that an assclown throws us!
Finally Over It – Trust me, I speak to ALL ages! Really, you have no idea! We can keep getting sucked into this game into our ripe old age if we’re not careful!
Sindh – You didn’t leave because you felt too emotionally invested at that point. You are right – our thoughts, words, and actions need to match. We have to stop trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole!
Ashley – Back away from the assclown! Don’t be frustrated about meeting someone – focus on you and getting to a happier place, and the rest will follow. Trust me, if this guy is in your vibe right now, it will affect you overall. Get ‘clean’ and if you enjoy you and being with you, you’d be amazed at the difference it makes when you meet someone because they add to your life…in a positive way.
Honey – Put that thought out of your mind!
LisaQ – That’s so funny because I was thinking about writing a post about songs that lead us down a bad path with men. I’m hurrying!
Jen – Listen and pay attention to the signs and your gut! Guys in the veil of friendship are some of the worst! Cut him off or at the very least distance yourself!
Astelle – You know I’m so proud of you and your progress! You have really helped a lot of other readers too!
Finally Over It – Well I think you said it all really!
Jen,
I understand excatly what you are going through.
This is the third time that I’ve tried to get back together with my EUM. He doesn’t really even have to do much and I come running. He can be rude (even cruel) but I tell myself that he is just joking, that that is his way of flirting. But there is something deep inside that says “Why the heck are you even making excuses?”
It amazes me that I have resorted to this. I get the courage to leave and then he acts depressed. …then I am filled with guilt that I have crushed his soul. What a cop-out! What about my soul?
I am sooooo glad that I found this site. I have been struggling for a loooong time.
After I broke up with my EUM the first time (dated for 2 years, lived with him for one), I instantly got involved with the first man that paid any attention to me….I even married him!!!! After 10 months, we separated and the EUM was right back in my life. I just got divorced in January, and by February I was already trying to win back my EUM!!!!!
I realize that I have MAJOR issues, but it makes it very difficult when these men give you just enough to hook you, then they jerk it away. What a sick and twisted game!
I have been with someone I believe is an EUM, assclown and has Narisisistic tendencies, for 6 months.I am practicing “leaving it alone”,that is, not responding to his emails or texts after the last blow up …he hasn’t called in almost two weeks! ( after “three strikes” which is my personal boundry of when I will call it quits on what I consider now a pattern of bad behavior) I am able to stay strong reading this site and the comments made by you truly amazing women!
I thought this guy had “potential” but his words, behavior etc is more up and down then an merry-go-round! Thank you ALL for helping me stay strong because I realize I could keep this b.s. going forever!
He has even said, “I’m not in love with you”, out loud several times and complained about driving to see me(about 40 mins…I do not have a car). I found this outrageous and insulting! I also know that I was vunerable when we met, just out of a three year relationship.He put his best foot forward in the beginning but once he had me “hooked”, he blew hot and cold and acting like I wanted his balls in a cage!
Whatever, dude! We are both 40 + so grow up man-boy, already! I will work on me and date only the worthy from now on…I must forgive myself!!!
jayne, no need to forgive yourself for anything…
you just encountered…a middle aged arseclownboy.
Consider it a lesson learned.
You are a whole lot wiser than me. If I had taken seriously the outrageous statements I was handed early on, I would have spared myself year of grief down the line. The lines I heard were masqueraded within sarcasm, a generally dour personality and a poor me approach to life. Never will anyone get this kind of stuff past me again.