When you’re the Other Woman in an affair, it’s a rollercoaster of highs and lows. At some point, you will become sick of the situation and will want to break off the affair. Breaking up is generally hard to do even when we really want to and know that it’s the right thing.
Affairs can be extra tough to walk away due to fear that you haven’t been understanding and patient ‘enough’. To be clear, you have. There’s also that all-pervasive fear that you’re going to break up with Mr Married/Attached at precisely that moment when he was actually going to leave his wife/girlfriend. There’s the sense of rejection, loss, and even abandonment that can be activated by an affair. It can feel like an exorcism that brings up every ugly thought and issue that you may have been unaware was rumbling around inside you.
Many BR readers have been or are in an affair situation. They often wonder, How the hell do I put an end to this affair and move on? I hope that these fifteen tips can help to put any woman who is in this situation on the road to feeling happier, secure, and free to move on to healthier relationships.
Before you go down the break-up route, do have an honest conversation with you and ask:
Is this a half-hearted cry for attention from him that I hope will force his hand into making the decision to be with me?
If yes, halt. This is how you lose credibility and open you up to more pain. He’ll just think that you’re crying wolf and it will only be a matter of time until you’re back in the affair hot seat. Be honest with you about what you’re trying to achieve. If this is about attempting to influence or even force him into making a decision or at the very least, game-playing, re-evaluate your motives. Consider the bigger picture and whether this is how you want to spend your time because it’s a slippery slope to losing your dignity and no one is worth that.
If you’re serious, here are some suggestions for making an exit that focuses on self-care.
1. Be firm and strong.
Be resolute about your decision and immovable. If you really do want to break up and you’re sick of the situation, he shouldn’t be able to wheedle his way around you. One of the strengths that he’s employed up until this point in the affair is talking you into (and out of) certain things. This time he can’t. This time he won’t.
2. Make it about YOU, not HIM.
If you put the focus of the breakup on him, he can make excuses that he means at the time but probably don’t hold up after the event. Promises will be made that are highly unlikely to be kept once you’ve calmed down. Yes, you are breaking up because he can’t give you what you need, want and deserve, however, you’re also breaking up with him because YOU are better than this. You are not that woman anymore.
3. Remind yourself that he is throwing you the crumbs of his time and his emotions.
Yes, you may be conditioned to think that the crumbs are enough for you, but the reality is that a healthy relationship with a man that is only with you and puts you at the centre of his life, feels far different to the flimsy ‘relationship’ that you’re in now. That and whatever you’re prepared to settle for is what you’re going to get. You always deserve more than crumbs.
4. Think of the woman he’s with.
You might view his wife (or girlfriend) as the person who’s robbing you of the opportunity to be with ‘your’ guy. In reality, she’s a human being with feelings, strengths and weaknesses just like you. Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if you were her in the same situation. Whatever story he’s told you about why he’s with both of you, the cold hard truth is that he’s chosen not to leave because having the best of both worlds is what he chooses (and wants). There’s also no such thing as an honest cheat. He chooses dishonesty. When you stop seeing her as this inconvenient, pesky obstacle, you will be able to feel compassion and also have self-compassion. Blaming her for his infidelity and blaming you for why he hasn’t left ignores the bigger picture of the real issues.
5. Is this how you saw a healthy, happy relationship? Do you still want to be doing this in 3, 6, 9, 12 months or even in years?
I know that I never saw myself as a sideline woman, no matter how low my self-esteem was. Think very hard about whether you want to continue living on the fringes and in the shadows of his life? Can you keep living with lies? Could you do what you’ve already done, forever? This is the perfect time to think about your short-, medium- and long-term goals, as well as your values. Is this affair taking you towards your needs, expectations, and wishes or in the opposite direction?
6. Think of all the times you’ve had to take a back seat.
Remember that occasions like birthdays, Christmas, New Years won’t have to be spent waiting for his call or snatching a moment together.
7. Go cold turkey.
If you can afford it, go away for a few days or a week for a bit of r&r or go and stay with friends and family. Turn off your phone and let loved ones know where you are so that they (and you) don’t worry. There should be absolutely no contact with your ex.
8. Stop being where he expects you to be and break whatever routine you have.
Stop being where he expects you to be. When I speak to ‘other women’, whether they realise it or not, they are almost always in a tight routine. After all, keeping things in this way is how he stops himself from getting caught out. It’s also how he fits you into his schedule. You must break the routine. Stop being in his rotation. Let your phone go straight to voicemail or screen. Be out when he calls. Instead of being in watching TV with your feet up waiting for his call, be out. Be busy. If you think you’ll be tempted to be swayed, change your mobile phone or block his email address. Find out more about No Contact.
9. Tell somebody that you trust.
You’d be surprised at how many women act in secrecy. This plays even further into the affair partner’s hands because it’s incredibly isolating. You are at the mercy of whatever he is telling you. Affairs and in fact, all dubious relationships rely on an element of shame and secrecy, and this compounds your dilemma. You’d be surprised though – lots of people have been in your situation. There is someone in your life who can and will be empathetic and support you with your exit.
A confidante gives you a sanity check but also gives you a rock of support.
Choose someone you trust and who can be supportive but tell you that it’s time to quit. Failing that, share with a professional or even that coworker who has gently taken an interest in you or expressed concern. The latter is how many readers have exited not just from affairs but also from abusive relationships.
10. Don’t date until you’re ready.
This protects you from knee-jerking into another situation that you may not recognise as being unsuitable and unavailable due to craving some sort of emotional replacement.
There’s no progress in ditching a married man for another emotionally unavailable man.
There’s also no point in dating if it’s a way of passing time in the hope of filling in the gap until the married guy potentially becomes available. The only time you should date is when you are genuinely ready to move on and Mr Married/Attached doesn’t figure any longer.
11. Remember that you need time to grieve and heal.
There is no quick fix and the right decision doesn’t always feel good initially. Grieving is a process, and it takes time. Weather the storm, cold turkey it out and let out the tears and frustration but don’t give in. Your ‘relationship’ is over.
12. Seek professional support.
If you’ve been in relationships that have a habit of wearing down your self-esteem and you want to understand your relationship patterns or feel you need extra help to get you through this time, this is an excellent way of giving you support. Exploring the reasons that contributed to your desire to be in this relationship will also ensure that you ‘re able to gain a fresh perspective, heal and move forward. Also, check out the Unsent Letter Guide in the downloads section – it will help you to explore your feelings and address current and old anger that may be affecting your decision to be in the affair or keeping you stuck in it.
13. Address any areas of your life that were neglected during the affair.
No matter what you think, something or someone, or both, suffered while you focused your energies on the affair. If you let work slide or put off career decisions, prioritise whatever it is, now. Neglected friends or family? Build bridges. If you’ve ignored yourself, spend time on you. You have to put the focus back to you if you are truly intent on succeeding. It’s because it’s been all about him why you lasted so long with him in the first place.
14. Remember how you REALLY felt when you were with him.
Yes, I’m sure there were happy times, but you need to consider the relationship in its totality. Look through your diary. Play your mental tape of the relationship. There were probably a lot of times when you were lonely, disappointed, insecure, sidelined, teary, clingy, frustrated, angry, too dependent, listless and much more. Put both feet in reality and get real about who you have really been. If you were that happy, you wouldn’t be reading this, and it wouldn’t have been an affair. Try keeping a Feelings Diary. Keep a note of all of the reasons why you’ve broken up and the disappointments. Refer to this list when tempted to revisit the affair.
15. Know that you’re not alone.
It can be a shock to discover that your situation isn’t unique. It’s not about you not being ‘good enough’ why they haven’t left their spouse/partner. You have always been enough. You don’t have to settle for crumbs, and yes, while it will be hard to call time on this affair, by saying goodbye to fear, delay and guilt, you’re are taking steps to being available for the right relationship for you.
Ready to reclaim yourself from the cycle of people pleasing and any patterns that reinforce feelings of low self-worth? My new book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (HarperCollins/Harper Horizon), is out now.
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where is everyone?
Hi Miracle,
How is everything going with you?
Reminder, here is a message on the end of the post which I am now pasting here: “NB!!! This post has been republished due to the very high volume of comments on the original post creating technical issues such as slowing down the site and preventing the original post from being reloaded. The original post and comments are no longer available and thank you to everyone who contributed the almost 500 comments! Comments will remain open on this post until they get to a level that is deemed technically unsuitable. Please note that the forum is up and running and that you can chat with some of the women who wrote the original comments. Registration needed. Thanks NML, editor and site owner.”
The forum is available at https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/index.php and you will also find that people are still commenting on the other posts about being the other woman.
Thank God,,,I am so happy to see you guys. I thought all was lost. They have the discussion board for this but it was only people I didn’t know from the how to cope with section posting comments. Other than LS.
So a BIG Hi to you and glad to see you tina and miracle. I missed you guys.
Where is everyone?
Hi,
Well it has been since Jan. that I have had no contact with my MM. Just to refresh we were together for 2 years. I am still going strong with keeping busy. I have been thinking alot about him and his wife. The last I heard they were getting a divorce. Yet she had said that every time that she found out. Then they make up and she would act like nothing ever had happend. I would never go back to MM. But I am so curious as to how things are going now with them. I wonder how they can just pick up and go on like nothing happend? His manipulation has affected my life deeply. I wish that I could just go on like nothing ever happend. I wish the pain would leave. I think about things he said where I could of have picked up on like clues along the way. Like the “I can’t divorce yet because of the kids.” I think as I said before. If they have any type of hesitaion and make any type of remark as ” I can’t divorce yet because of” I think they are small little clues that tell you he is not ready to divorce. I don’t see how 2 more years or even 2 more months would make a difference in his hurting his children. He would never hurt his children. And now looking back. I feel they were clues to let you know. Even though when we started dating he said he was seperated and living apart from wife,When I found out he was still living with her I should of ended it. He told me that he slept down stairs and they never had sex. All lies im realizing now. One of the times that she found out about us his dad called me to tell me to wait for him. Give them some time to settle this. His dad told me how much his son loved me. So I waited. Well, stupid me. When my MM called me after 3 weeks and asked me to come up and stay the weekend with him we went to buy fireworks. He had a family reunion that same darn weekend with his dad and sisters and such at his house. I had a hard time understanding why everyone would still go if they were divorcing? I went one night to watch the fire works but they did not see me. I heard his wife call him Honey. Honey? Well that was odd if she was so mad that she found out about us and divorcing too. I had asked him about it and he told me Old habit. Thats what she always called him. But they were divorcing. I believed him and I did even though family was all there we stayed together much of that weekend. Looking back it was all lies. They had made up and I was just a mistress that he hid from the family the whole weekend. Just my ramble for the night. Hope to just start up some more chat.
girls!!
I missed you chicas!
Hey Unique, TinaS and everyone!
TinaS…its been since Janaury??!! That’s quite an accomplisment my friend. Congrats.
I’m still going to the gym. But last night I had another AHA moment. I am in charge of my own happiness, I own it. Me and God. I don’t have to crave MMs company, his calls and wonder where we are gonna hang out each night, only to be crushed if for one night out of 7 nights we don’t hang out. . . its gettin too crazy!
So last night, I went and did my nails, then went home, wrapped my hair, put on my nightie, and read “Everyday Grace” by Marianne Williamson.
I had the best night!! MM called of course, and sounded shocked that I was on my own doing my thing. Though I was a little tempted, I remained at home and read and chatted with my mom till I fell asleep.
Now I am in the midst of planning a surprise 50th birthday party for my mommy! Its gonna be great.
Most of all, I love life, and I am so excited about my future!! (sans MM)
Oh my Goodness Tina S. what is your email address? We must talk. Same to you Miracle is coming.
Uptown Girl
Sounds like you can relate to us. What is your story if you dont mind me asking? And how are you doing?
Miracle is coming,
You were so strong to stay home and pamper yourself. When I was with my MM if he called I would of went to see him for sure. I am wondering how your moms party plans are going? And how are things with your MM?
oh no 🙁
nobody posts anymore ?? since the technical meltdown?
How are you guys????
I am OK / not much to report
maybe everyone has not much to report, or have you guys moved to another forum??
hello????????
I am here, I have been posting mostly on the “how to cope” thread. But now I wonder if I should be posting on this one cause I am seriously questioning whether or not I should be staying with my MM. Things are great between us and he tells me everyday how much he wants to be with me and how terrible his wife and their marriage is, yet he is still with her. We have been together for almost a year now and I don’t see him getting any closer to leaving. And not only that, this weekend they are taking a “family trip” together. Makes me want to throw up! I am just at a loss right now with my feelings and what should I do. HELP!!!!!!
Hi everyone what a relief to find this site I have been so miserable on the 22nd of may I told my MM not to call me unless he sorts out his problems with his wife I told him I was fed up being with all the symptoms of being the other woman I do not deserve that , again i did not expect him to treat me any better since I allowed this relationship to drag for 2 years I am sick and tired I finally had the guts to call it a quit , for my suprise he did not even argue with me slime head he said ok if it makes you happy I hang up full of rage and anger dissappointment promissing myself not to call him again trying to remind myself all the time of all the unhappy episodes I went trough during my time with him (and beleive me my happiness was always contaminated by his wife`s shadow) GOD help me to keep strong and not to call him : I relate to everyone of you ladies and this site is a god sent from heaven at least I do not feel alone and desperate with no hope my life has ended the minute i stopped calling him hearing his voice gave me so much comfort mind you he was a passive cold fish how sad can i be for staying with a creature like that? wish me luck girls lots lots of love
Fortuna:
Wow, what a story. He didn’t even fight for you or beg you not to go? What an asshole. That would have made it even easier for me to walk away. But it would also make me feel like shit, like maybe I never mattered at all. If you are sure that being without him is the right decision (which it sounds like it is!) stay strong, do not call him, don’t give in. Obviously you have 2 years of proof of his bad treatment of you and whatnot so unless he comes to your door with divorce papers in hand, screw him. I am in a situation myself where I wonder if I should walk away too, but what makes it hard is that my MM is wonderful to me. Completely amazing. BUT, I am such a wreck a few days a week and when I am not with him, I wonder is it worth it? I don’t want to lose years of my life on someone that will never be mine.
What is your story?
gee LS. Its like on every day of the week I can find someones story that sounds JUST like mine.
Things are going great between me and MM and I think we get closer and closer with time – its been 2 hectic on and off years, during which i have tried to leave about 10 serious, serious times.
I can’t bother to spend my life fretting and worrying about somehting that will be over soon I hope!
He doesn’t complain to me about his wife, he doesn’t discuss their relationship, I know they are still having sex and for all intents and purposes they are fine. Their eldest child is a few months younger than I am. So they have been together since before I was born…. sigh
But God I love him.
L S
Great to hear from you I met my MM in the plane on my way to Singapore He aproached me we spent the 13 hours flight between London _Singapore chating the 10 days I spent there we were inseperable to cut a long story short I came back to London and life was so beautiful we were madly in love with each other for three month until his wife caught him talking on the phone with me he changed from that moment he wanted to be with me but he stopped telling me he loves me he always seems stressed upset full of problems he told me his wife was suicidal he cannot leave her he has to look after her so I have put up with that shit for a long time by being available in every single way hoping he will
be like before the more i gave the more he wanted .of course like all MM time was so tight I was far from his priorities everytime he was with me after he eats my food have his fun he goes upstairs to call his wife this kind of behaviour always poisonned my mood my life I was so into him I never even wanted to leave him ,so many episodes happened during this relationship as you can immagine being with MM the emptiness after he leaves the jealousy from his wife and my immagination when he is with her in the house he told me he doesn`t sleep with her I chose to beleive him he totally took over my thoughts my head my life the mystery of his life at home and his silence when he was at home I felt it was
like a challenge I suppose .Istarted buying him gifts givinghim money
tell him how special he was in bed mind you he was below below average I made him think he was the incredible hulk(haha) He loved being with telling me how much he admires me and how much he needs me but he didnt tellme he loved melike before I was letting him taking the piss I know it was my mistake I actually am very vunrable I wanted this relationship to work as I am fed up dating every single looser in england after my divorce by the way I am 41 years old and Idont know why I put with a shit like that I am nice looking comfotable great social talent I have it all what makes me be with someone like that I dont know I am sure I have issues with my personality to allow him to treat me like that without asking him to F…off at the end I felt so exhausted of everything my feelings my life pattern with him I miss myself respect the minute he told he is taking his wife to malaysia on oneof his businesstrip because she asked him and he couldnt say no and because he hates conflict I was guted i decided to end it not because of dignity or anything else Iam tired worn out I am missing so much on my life I was pushing the days ahead I was looking forward to the future forgetting to live my present and that scared the life out of me I have decided suddenly to claim my life back I REALLY HOPE THAT STAY STRONG AND SALVAGE WHAT IS LEFT OF MY DIGNITY AND MY LIFE meanwhile LS hope my story will help you that you are not alone and we will support each other LOOK AFTER YOURSELF Lots of love from London
You’ve been looking over my shoulder and you’re right, I wouldn’t be looking at this site if I was so “happy” with an attached man. I’m miserable, I can tell you and don’t have the guts to end it. Man! Life!!
Hi girls
who ever is checking my message , it has been 5 days since I told my MM I am tired worn out don`t call me unless you have something to offer me .to make things easier for me then,I did not have the guts to cut it completely off in hope to get used to the idea slowly he is not going to exist in my daily routine. girls we are a creatures of habits you dont love someone who treats u bad and doesnt appreciate u on the contrary but in our case if you allow me we got into this dirty habit ,like you know when you smoke you are hurting yourself but we still bloody do it at least that give me comfort to realise thoseF****er are not special . SO FAR I have not touched the phone and god willing I will not when I get the urge of missing him I immediatly go back on my memory to recall the feeling when I was with him calling his wife none stiop the emptiness that he leaves after he dessappears nasty nasty feelings and that makes me angry I am trying the self help method on hypnotherapy I feel it is helping me gently to get my daily peace back somehow I am not desperate and miserable like the first 2 days I am now sad dissappointed for giving my all to a passive greedy cold fish like him 2 years has been wiped off just in a 20 minutes phone call imagine he did not even argue with me I wonder if he was upset or missing at least the daily calls anyway the more i try to think about the more I confuse myself but i am going by the day and I pray to god to let me go stronger everyday somehow i feel empty sad but not yearning to go back to square one if i ever attempt to call him
It is sunday today I am hopeful for the future but am going to make the most of my day and tomorrow is another day WHATEVER IS MEANT TO HAPPEN WILL HAPPEN like when we met those nasty pieces of work .
CARRIE : YOU DONT NEED TO FORCE THE BREAKING UP YOU WILL REACH A POINT WHEN YOU CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE so good luck for you and all of the ladies who are going through the same shit ….
Wow, what activity has been going on the last few days, I am sitting here reading all this and I wonder to myself, “how the hell did we, so many intelligent, beautiful women wind up in these fucked up situations?” I mean really, it is crazy to me. Although our situations seem very different from one another, deep down they are all the same. Us waiting, us hoping, us putting our lives on hold so to speak, us sacrificing (even though they tell us how much THEY do) really it is us OW who do most of the sacrificing. I have do not let my life or my plans revolve around him, I still make my own plans and do not check with him before I do anything, BUT, I am the one who turns down dates with guys, I am the one who lies to my family, I am the one who lies to my friends, living the so called single life when really I am not single….. What the hell is that all about right? I know that only I am in control of this situation and no one is making me stay or making me be the OW, but at the same time I can not walk away from him, as fucked up as it sounds the relationship that him and I have (aside from him being married), when we are together, is the best relationship I have ever been in. He upsets me sometimes, not on purpose, he has never once been mean to me in anyway. The only time I get upset is when he breaks a date with me, so I can not consider that him being mean when really I should expect it right? He IS a MM, so how can I be pissed at him when he says he has to go home? Well probably because I hear time and time again how horrible his marriage is, how much of a bitch his wife is, how badly he wants to leave and so it leaves me wondering, why the fuck am I still not with him then???? THAT right there is what makes it so hard for me. Waiting, wondering, hoping that today will be the day that he tells me he is leaving her. How long is too long to wait before it just becomes completely hopeless??? Any ideas? I just don’t know, I have been the OW for almost a year and sometimes I wonder if that is too long already. As bad as these situations are, we all have the choice whether or not we want to stay in them and not only that but how much we will put up with and how long we will wait…….Everyone is different. All I can suggest is, never stop being who YOU are and don’t let your life revolve around these men. If they want to be a REAL part of our lives let them, but don’t let your life revolve around them until THEIR lives revolve around US…….
Take care and I appreciate you ladies so much, it is like I have a whole army of angels on my shoulder, here anytime I need them and I am so thankful for all of you, ALL the different opinions, all the different thoughts and suggestions..
Stay Strong!
I woke up this morning very hopefull looking forward to start my day I was strangely feeling so good I looked at myself in the mirror and I liked what i saw really ,I said to myself IT IS HIS LOSS I changed had a strong coffee went to the gym to participate in an aerobic class wow I felt so high and good my selfesteem was at its most I prayed to god to stay like that for the rest of the day I tried to maintain these good feeling trying not to be so high somehow I felt liberated mind you it has been 9 days since I told my MM not to contact me unless he is willing to improve the situation,I am still feeling great while I am writing this thoughts it is late at night and I ve managed to avoid being distructed by his thoughts and sadness I am challenging myself to reach three weeks without contact WHEN I succeed .,not even IF, I succeed ,,WHEN ,,I succeed I will know for sure it is over and hopefully I will appericiate life more, considering the roller coaster of emotions I was living for the last 2 years
since I took my peacefull style of life for a granted god give me strengh to be able to put this nasty 2 years in my book of experiences .
I WISH YOU LADIES .YOU HAVE SIMILAR HAPPY DAYS TO THE ONE I HAD TODAY..
wish me luck
stay healthy and well
being the other woman can be so damn hard. I put my all into this relationship because I love him so much. This is the first guy I have never ever had an affair on… Aint that weird… he is married and I am not seeing anyone at all but him. He is everything I ever wanted in a man.. so how will i ever just give up on the thought of us being together . They have no kids, why cant she just get the hint and leave. She is a pretty lady, she could find someone else too. He says their marriage has been over for years, but neither will just say the word.. WHY NOT A year and a half of getting to know him, loving him, wanting him, living my life for him. It is just frustrating to know there is no end to all this.
well misspriss,
it is HER husband. he’s probably just telling you his marriage is over, its not, if it was he would leave…its not like he’s staying for the kids, since he has none w/ her.
i think its kinda fresh for you to be asking why she doesn’t get the hint and leave…why don’t you get the hint and leave? its HER man and husband.
i don’t think there is any hint to be had here, unless its the hint and nudge we all need…he is married, why don’t WE leave?
MissPriss:
I have to agree with Miracle, obviously he is not being completely honest with you about his TRUE relationship with his wife. I mean if he loves you so much and he does not have children as the excuse, why would he stay with her??? I mean really. Unless he is a gazillionaire that did not sign a pre-nup, I would say he is leading you on. He is the type of MM that I fear. The one who is the smooth operator, playa, wants his cake and to eat it too. The one who has NO intention of ever leaving his wife but does not want to lose his OW. And I am not saying he doesn’t have feelings for you, I am sure he does and I am sure he love being with you as well. Why wouldn’t they? Most of them are older than us and we are beautiful young women, HELLO! And pplease don’t take me the wrong way, I am not trying to hurt your feelings or be mean, I am just trying to be honest. And this is coming from my experience and also from my experience talking to so many OW and hearing all the different stories.
If someone disagrees with me, please say so. But I think I am right on about this particular MM.
All you can do MissPriss is ask him to be honest with you what his intentions are that way YOU know what to expect or what NOT to expect from him.
If he can’t give you what you want, you need to leave him. I know it is hard because you do love him but if he has no intention of ever leaving his wife why would you stay?? That has heartbreak written all over it. These relationships are hard enough as it is, I could not imagine staying with a MM when I know he will never be mine……
…but LS
remind me of your story… isn’t it somewhat true that if it is a MM, any MM at all … by the mere fact that he is married, he will never be ours anyway?
So I am having problems understanding your last line and advice to misspriss
Miracle:
No I don’t think that it is wrong to believe that SOME MM might actually leave their wives for us. My MM has told me from Day 1 and even told people we knew at work that the ONLY reason he was/is staying right now is because of how young his child was and he does not want to go from being a FT Dad to a PT dad with shared visitation. His child is his world and I would never expect him to chose him or me. The way things have been going with his wife at home though, he will be leaving soon. They had a huge fight and she told him that she wanted to talk to someone about splitting up their assets because she can not live like that anymore. SO…the wheels are kinda in motion and we will see what happens. But with that being said I am also not getting my hopes up until I see divorce papers and we are living together.
I think my situation is MUCH different than MissPriss and others as well. I told my MM in the beginning to let me know if he was only in it for the sex and if he was never going to leave his wife but it is/was common knowledge how he feels about his wife so I am not lying to myself by saying he will be mine eventually. I just don’t know when and that is the hardest part for me. Waiting. Granted if years pass and he is still there, obviously I need to move on but it is not like that now.
ooooh. LS, OK I get it. If I were you, I would stick around and see how things develop.
I know that some MMs do leave. My dad left my mom (and his three young kids) for the Other Woman…so I know it does happen. In the ned sometimes its about who one is more compatible with.
Good luck.
Hi girls,
This is the fourth week since I stopped seeing my MM I am hurting terribly he didn ‘t bother to call to check if I am well or not I suppose I have to get on with my life he doesn’t deserve me asshole , I am sad I miss him but I cannot go back to the shit hole I have put myself into and this site has helprd me a lot .
CHASING you are so great I really appreciate every single word you say
I wish each one of you the best of luck as much as I need strength from all of you ladies .
lots of love
Fortuna
Oh my thank you ladies. I am so grateful for your honesty. I was w/ a long distance MM for 2 months. The “perfect man” the love notes, texts, skype, calls……… oh my goodness, I fell hard. I do not date MM, told him when I met him, he said he was going to divorce her and get the ball rolling. 2 months, he has brought up the subject, but he still w/ her. I sent an email, his voice melts me. I broke it off because I will not be the other woman, if things change……….. but the pain OH MY GOD !!!! it has only been a 2 month relationship, and I did not have sex with him, thank God. I can only imagine the feelings after years. I want to phone him, hear from him, I miss him so much. The tears are so deep. I am keeping my heart open, meaning, not shutting in, shutting down, but God it is painful.
Blessings to all of you, thank you again for your beautiful honesty.
Hi Gratitude,
STAY STRONG DONT GET TEMPTED THE PAIN NOW IS EASIER THAN LATER PLEASE DONT GO THERE VERY HUMILIATING THE SITUATION STEEL YOUR LIFE FROM YOU KEEP READING THE COMMENTS ON THE OTHER FORUM TO GIVE YOU FORCE NOT TO GIVE IN.
GOOD LUCK GIRL
I CLAIMED MY EXISTANCE, MY LIFE BACK NEVER NEVER AGAIN .
LOTS OF LOVE
FORTUNA
dear fortuna,
thank you, great advice and yes, reading the other woman’s experiences…… does keep me strong. today was a difficult day, 5 days now…….. I was talking to my friend, not phoning him. we were talking about the “voices” that say, “oh you will never find another” etc…… and how, we would never let anyone speak to us like our heads do, than horrors……… I realized how I have let men talk to me like I talk to me, it is true, I will get what I, deep down inside believe I deserve. Crumbs ???
Dear God no, so the gratitude around seeing such a funky belief about myself. Oh this growing up is hard sometimes, attach it to a heart ache. Good Lord, I have to remember to breath.
Thank you again, all of you awesome woman who have shared your souls here, you have helped me more than you will ever know.
Love to all of you,
Gratitude
Hello everyone I have fallen in love with a MM also. We were together for 2 yrs but the last year thing between us progressed to were we were going to move away together. He left to another city and I was supposed to follow him there but of course he was still married, so he said that he would file for divorce in Sept. It never happend. Three weeks ago he broke up with me saying that she had promised to change, and he said that he doubted she would but he had to give her this final chance because they have been together 19 yrs but if she didn’t he would leave ASAP, and he would come back to me. I know his wife and I’ve seen it first hand how mean and ugly she can be. Him and I have talked a couple of times since then, he still calls me baby, and says he loves me and I beleive him, and I want to wait to see what happens. My friends tell me that he will come back but what if dosen’t? What if she does change? Maybe I am dillusional. I have been miserable, but I have been extremely happy. He has said if only he would have met me first, but because of our age difference it would have been weird.I don’t know what to do I love him so much. I have put myself in his and her shoes beause I been in both places,I went into depression because of the guilt I felt that’s why I ryed to get him to get sick of me so he would leave. Instead he asked me to give him time to make the choice and I can’t let him go but I cannot wait forever either. I have tried not to make contact with him anymore but it’s very hard I keep trying to convince myself that he is not coming back but I really don’t know that. I want to say that I hope she does change and everything works out between them but I can’t and not that good of a person.
Hi Kitty,
I know it is hard, day 8 here, and it is a crying day. I miss him.
What if you were to get on with your life. Not wait for him. Take back your soul, your life. If he leaves, GETS THE DIVORCE, than treats you as the woman you are, with dignity, cherish, love, respect, than take him back.
I do not want to ever settle for, this desperate heart sure wants to. I know that much of it has nothing to do with him, and the healing of my own soul that needs to happen. I pray you stay strong, I stay strong, desperate is so unattractive. We all want to be loved, why did we settle is my big question.
Cheers,
Gratitude
Gratitude:
What a great question you added at the end of your post.
“Why did we settle”
WOW. And so true. I always told myself after my own divorce that I would never let a man rule me or my emotions, nor would I waste my time waiting around for one to grow up and make up his mind about me, yet here I am doing just that. In love with the most unavailable man in the world! How did we get here. If this was a normal single guy, we would have all kicked him to the curb long ago, why is it that we let the MM get away with so much more? I would like to know what all the other OW think about that and weigh in cause the past few days have been hard ones for me. I am back to the whole “what the hell am I doing with him?” Mentality and although I love him more than I have ever loved any man, I don’t know what I am doing…..
hey LS,
I have really found that I let the man I love treat me as my
head talks to me, take a listen and see if it is true for you. I would never
take any of the stuff I allow myself to take from HIM, just to “keep” him. See how much nicer, sexier, sweeter, kinder, etc than your wife I am. In the mean time my soul is shriveling, and I am dying. Yes, even now the pain is so immense, but I do not want someones sloppy seconds. I only got involved ’cause he was on his way home to start the divorce….. 3 months later, thank you God not three years. I have to ask also, what man would really want us all tired, crying, worn out, pining away, no life, no ambition, on hold, for him…….. how unattractive is that??/ Yet, there I was slipping away…… I say ladies, we all need to get a life, if they want us, they are going to have to win us back, after the divorce. No settling for, we are better than that. Only our minds tell us different, than we believe the MM.
Love you all
Hi everyone ,
Hi L S,
It breaks my heart to see you girls where I was not so long ago I was exactly in the same place where you are ldies feeling lost alone desperate for MM longing for him during when I was with him and after I broke up with BUT I have managed to pull through you know why ladies NOT because I am more clever or stronger or any BS NO JUST because his time came. HIS episode has ended no more, what I am trying to got to is LADIES don’t beat yourselves up and stop criticising and be hard on yousrelves when their bloody time will come you will end it someway and another without looking back , everything has an end even our tolerence.
In my experiences what we go through during and after a relationship with those MM is a procedure has to happen .
I started to loose my health my self respect and sanity I had no more energy then, to resent my situation, this was his time when I quit MM .
wish you all the strength in the world girls .
If I can manage to succed, everyone else will .
Lots of Love
Fortuna
Fortuna:
Thanks once again for your words of wisdom. BUT don’t mistake me, although I long to be with my MM, I am not by any means desperate for him. Today my MM told me ” I am sorry you are stuck with me and this shitty situation” And I was like “Honey I am not stuck with anyone! I can leave anytime” He DID NOT like that at all, but it is the truth. I have been married before and I will never stay with a man who starts to eat away at my confidence, happiness, etc…..I KNOW that I can have pretty much anyone I wanted 🙂 LOL. I just happen to be madly in love with my MM and it is hard for me to walk away just yet…..I know the time will come (if he keeps dragging his feet) where I will be fed up and say enough is enough. I am hoping and praying that doesn’t happen because I ultimately want to end up with him, but I will NOT wait forever. I want to have kids before I am too old, I don’t necessarily need to be married but I want to atleast be with him for real.
LS- You are right on the money and this is exactly how I feel.
I don’t feel desperate or worthless or like I have low self-esteem or anything.
My MM asked for us to move in together. He and his wife are splitting up. However, as many of you know I am going away to school in September. My Masters will take one year and I think the distance will be good – he can decide on what he really wants and if they are really splitting up then we can be together for real. Although I am 22 I am thinking about my future and I want to have kids as well, very soon. I also don’t necessarily need to be married, but I do want to be with him for real. The year apart will be good for us both, we are so in love but sometimes love is not enough -:
Miracle:
So you have the chance to live with him and you are not going to take it? What if in that year he meets someone else and you lose out on being together with him? Are you willing to take that chance? That is what I would be afraid of if I were you. I mean I know some people would say “if it is meant to be he will be there when you are done” but shit happens and I don’t think I could do it. BUT you are very smart and it sounds like you are strong and that is good! I know if I had that chance with my MM I would NOT pass it up. I hear you, I want kids as well infact that is one thing we have been talking about a lot lately and I told him I didn’t need to be married necessarily but I wanted to atleast BE with someone (meaning him) that I COULD have them with if we wanted to and not have to worry about a damn wife! I have never been the one who has talked about us getting married, he has always been the one who refers to us in the future being married and what not. Which is nice, but words are words you know? I know he loves me but there comes a point where the words lose their luster and actions speak louder than words……..
Has anyone thought about telling the wife about the affair in hopes that she will kick him out?
I’ve just discovered this site and feel so relieved that I’m not alone. Some days I feel I might as well walk round with a sign saying ‘slut’ on my back. How easy it is to feel like you’re the only woman who’s going through this.
Hey,
I feel kind of weird. I have read this site and list of what I can describe as life lines everyday for so long. Not once did it occur me that i could post a comment.
I broke up with my MM a few months ago. My situation was really weird though, no thats not right it was just i dont know how to describe it.
We met a year and a half ago, at work. He was my boss at first but i soon got a promotion and we began spending more time together. Soon we began confinding in each other and soon began going out for a drink then dinner and then sex finally evolved. I knew from the start about his wife. We used to talk about her and him at the start and myself and the guy i was casually seeing at the time. After a few months of casual sex, I began to get a feeling within that maybe to me this was more then just sex. I one night, stupidly, told him this and my feelings. Ofcourse he told me they were returned. How he cared for me. His wife had at this point left the country and was working abroad for the next 7 months. Never did it hit me that it would only be for company.
So for the next four months we became a couple. Still in secret but we began going on dates, days out, weekends away. Things that only couples would do. He began to confide into his friends that me and him were together and we began to meet up with them as a couple also.
After a while of this he iniatited the relationship moving and asked if we could move in together. So i uprooted myself, into a new home with what i thought was my new man. Stupidly (again) I assmed that as we no longer spoke of his wife that they were no longer together
So we started to share the most intimate goings on in our days. Soon time passed and he began getting restless. He began flirting with other co-workers. He began to make long phone calls abroad (me thinking it was to work).
Then one day I come home, my life ripped apart. No trace of him. As if he had never existed. He had said to me 1 hour previous that he loved me, that next year we would get married. He promised. How our love was somehing he held dearly to him.
He is now living back with his wife. Who has no idea of him and his lies and deciet. I never had the heart to tell her. My heart breaking was enough. I have spoken to him once, when he told me that he did love me but he needed to make his marriage work, he had made a commitment and needed to stay loyal.
So now, a few months on, I am struggling with my day to day life. Walking down the street, hearing a sound, smelling a familiar smell, and I am transorpted into a whirl wind of memories. I have left work, my career, my life because i can not care to think of him. I have lost contact with many frends because it pains me to much to make the effort.
That is one of the first times I have actually told the story. I hope i havent bored you all.
M xxxx
dear M
thank you so much for sharing your story……….. that could have been me.
it will be 2 weeks tomorrow I said goodbye. the pain, comes and goes.
I know that distance thing, the excuses, the pain. I am so grateful I left. DOES NOT make the pain any less. Reading your story and others just reinforces I did the right thing, in the end. the best thing would 2 have not gotten involved, period. I fell for the “I am going home to get a divorce thing”. I am so looking forward to the day I do not check my email, or phone to see if he contacted me, telling me he left his wife. How self absorbed I am……. anyway. I do look forward to that day the heavy heart lifts.
Hang in there,
My heart goes out to you, I can only barely fathom what you are going through, not only your heart, your source of income, home, everything.
I was thinking to myself earlier if he really loved me (truly a road to hell pondering) but, if he did, why or how could he??? again the pondering of the endless Mind F.
Keep writing it helps, also, do not let Mr MM suck the life out of you, the best revenge is a good life. big hug,
Gratitude
Ladies….
“This to shall pass.” I know, it sounds as though I’m being flip. I assure you, I am not. Been there and soooo done that! My MM left his wife…. It was more trouble than the actual affair. Loooong story, lol.
We give our hearts so freely to men who do not deserve them….. why not give your heart to YOURSELF! Be your own best friend. What would you tell your best girlfriend to do in this situation????? That is what you absolutely MUST do for yourself. These MM are not “knights in shining armor.” They are cowards. They use us for what they can get and when we get smart enough to start asking questions, they are all to ready to walk away! Nothing new there.
I am grateful that there is a place like this to share our journey’s. I wish all good things and most of all, peace to everyone reading or posting to this forum. My heart is with each and every one of you!!!!
Take care and ((((((((HUGS)))))))))
Chasing
hey chasing,
great note.
I have 2 ask…….. R U still w/ him who left his wife?
cheers,
gratitude
Hi Gratitude,
I am on a self imposed “break” with my unMM. It was ultimately my decision. In the end, I realized that even though wifey was gone, (thanks to divorce) she was always there. Everything that came after, was about “them.” The kids, the family BS, everything “except” me. I was the outsider. I was the homewrecking whore. It didn’t matter that wifey had more men in one night that I ever had in my life….. she was and still is the victim. He shows her more consideration then he does me. All of this after learning that she has cheated on him, stolen from him, and lied to him about practically everything. I am, and will always be “the outsider.” It doesn’t matter how much of myself I give….. it is NEVER enough. Finally, I guess I gave up. No one person is worth my own sanity. Period! I waited 4 long years….. to me, that’s long enough. If he is unwilling/unable to recognize my value…. I don’t need him! What a “boobie prize” he turned out to be, lol.
Take care,
Chasing
Hi Chasing,
Thank you for your update. This is such a great posting site. We do not have to feel alone in our “stuff”
No one is worth selling our souls for. I hope you stay strong, all of us, stay strong.
Take care
may joy fill your being,
Gratitude
Hi Gratitude,
You are more than welcome for the update.
For all of the ladies who find themselves here…. we do have a forum up and running, just waiting for all of the OW out there, looking for a safe place to tell their stories…. it doesn’t matter if you’re involved with or “were” involved with, or “getting over” the MM. We want to hear from you! Lend your support to OTHERS or ask for support for yourselves. We are there to answer whatever questions or doubts you may have….. no judgments or recriminations. Just unbiased advice and support…
Hope to see all of you there….. https://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/index.php?sid=6f74bf5f32ca24c7a6107a5deb1eb020
Take care,
Chasing
Hey,
Thank you so much for that comment. I know how you feel about waiting for the day when you dont check your mail or your phone. I still check now, even though I know there is no way on earth it happens. I think, he may still love me, if he ever did, love can not fade. But i guess the truth is that he never had any love to give only to take.
I’m now starting my search for a new job. My fresh start is soon approaching. The thought that you are all also going through the same experiences as me kind of breaks my heart, because this pain is so bad i wouldnt wish it on anyone.
Take care all.
M xxxxx
Wow, so glad to come across this. I’ll tell you all my story. about 8 months ago through a work project I met this man. It was a very interesting meeting and we were really drawn to each other from the begining. I was very cool and careful not to show what was going on in my head. When I got home later that night he called me which I thought was very forward on his part as I think there was a commit made about my husband and I believe he knew I was married. When he called he said you are a very interesting women , but in a very tender almost shy way. Now when I think about it that just sounds like a come on line, but somehow every word he said made me feel special. Now let me explain I get a lot of interest from men but never has any man ever touched that part of me that he did and does.It is like a spritual connection and he says the same thing its like we really know each other. for a month after our first meeting he called menumerous everyday at work. He really got in me and in my head. I really fell hard for him. I’ve been married for 20 years and have children and had been through my husbands midlife crissis but he never had an affair just internet porn and that didn’t help me because he had been so devoted to me for years and worshiped me and it wasn’t really the porn it was the depression, anger, resentment, remorse that he expressed that was like poison to me over a three and a half year period. Before I met the other man in the car on our way out to his business I looked up at the clouds was thinking of my miserible situation with my husband and prayed God I just want to be with someone who really understands me and loves me for who I am the way I am, and someone that I really just get who they are. If this is possible then bring it on my husband doesn’t want to be with me anyway. The other man always says that when he met me that I blew his socks off, that it wasn’t the way I look although he says he noticed that too but it was who I am that he really got and he had never been in the presence of a more female energy and he continually showers me with adoration in the form words which I think he is a master of. After I had known him about 3 weeks he took a trip and when I asked him if it was business he said shyly that he was going to see women and I really didn’t think a lot about it because after all I’m married what right did I have to require anything of him because we were “just friends”. While he was gone he called me numerous times and it was always I miss you can’t wait to see you. This all continued with me even trying to break it off but then when he came to see me all my resolve went out the window, theres this magic when we look in each others eyes. Anyway, we flirted and talked about sex for a couple of months. I did ask him about the other women he told me she was a 4 and half year long distance relationship that he could not see a future with. He sees her every couple months when he goes out on business. I thought well I’m married anyway. He made me feel like I was the only one and funny thing is I know what he says is really true but then again its only words not actions. Finnally we were intimate his performance really wasn’t that great and could tell he was troubled so i did know if maybe performance issues of some sort Anyway I thought maybe he was just nervous. Afterward we took a walk and he very carefully said ” there is something that I have felt really really bad about haven’t told you that I’m engaged.” He explained how disfunctional the relationship is and how confused he is . Again I thought well I’m married too. The one thing I now realize is that He had a choice he knew that I was married where I had no choice I didn’t know he was engaged. See I have been intimate with only two other men in my life and both of them I was married to. I need a lot of security and commitment to be happy in an intimate realionship. Its just the way I am. Anyway I let it slide partly because I just couldn’t let my brain wrap around it at the time. I so wanted my fantasy to be true that we were soul mates and had found each other. We had sex several more times and it was fabulous as we became more comfortable. My husband came home from a vacation with our son and asked about my friend (the other man) He knew we had sex he just felt it in his gut. So I told him the truth because we always had an greement that we would tell each other if there was ever anyone else. He was hurt but took it as a wake up call on our relationship. He began to really romance me, wanted to talk, said he wanted to grow old with me, I was very confused so after about two weeks of all the mental anguish I could take I broke it off with the OM and told him I needed his friendship, He said anything you want and if you need me to just disapear please just tell me. I said no but in my heart I thougt maybe that would be best. I really wanted to try to make things work with my husband but It was so hard. I had changed so much. Any way this is my introduction, thankyou for this outlet, I will post a very short–I promise–ending to this later
Veranda
welcome veranda,
sounds like you have a good husband……… perhaps like you said, he will step up.
keep writing,
cheers,
gratitude
Hey,
Just thought i would tell everyone. I walked into town today! i walked through town for the first time in 4 months!
I was so proud i had to come and tell you all. Having somewhere to know that there is soneone out there knowing how i feel made me able to come and do this.
Thanks
M xxxx
Hi M,
Glad to know you are doing well hang on in there every day will get better beleive me I have been there it was agony at the begining but now I feel that I have my life back ofcourse it is dissapointing things has not been the way we want them to be but again ,it is definetly for the best.
Stay strong , stay always proud .
Lots of love
Fortuna
Why do men who are moving out because of wife nonsense moving on their own and not interested in moving in with the OW? Wouldn’t that be a sign that he doesn’t really want to be with you. Even if you would say no anyway, the point is shouldn’t they at least want to or attempt to move with you first. It’s like the principle of it all.
Hey Miracleiscoming!!
Hi
Am I glad to have stumbled across this site and you guys – who’ve been through or are presently in the same nightmare as me. I was feeling really ‘alone’.
I have friends for support, but their answer is to walk away now if it hurts that much. But I can’t – I realise it can’t go on forever, neither mine or his nerves would take it, so I’ve set a ‘finish point’ – in a couple of months.
I never asked him to leave his wife, I knew he was married when I met him (I’m not proud of that) but I’d kept my feelings under wraps for years. He was the one who contemplated leaving, but as his dad had done the same to him when he was young, he didn’t want to upset his child’s stable home life, he says she is none the wiser that he isn’t happy, if the rows began to affect her well-being he would definitely leave. As far as I can judge he is responsible for most of the child-care, so his departure would have a great impact on her life. Apparently if it wasn’t for her, it would be an open and shut case, he would have left straight off – he says he’s never loved his wife like a man should love a wife.
I just want us to have happy times between now and the end, but in the last week, she has had devastating news and he obviously finds himself having to give her emotional support and watching her suffer over the news of her parents illness, he said if ‘we’ were to come out, that would finish her off – he’s spent time this week musing over what a complete b****** he feels, both to her and to me and says he’s such a nasty person.
He says when/if things change in the future he will find me and if I still want him, he’ll throw himself at me. It’s just the timing is all so wrong! But he is also really worried about the mess I will be in at the end of ‘us’.
I probably haven’t made much sense, just a little bit over emotional at the moment.
Welcome. You make total sense to me, and I was with one who kept saying “the timing, the timing”………… when would it ever be good timing I asked. I called it quits, 2 months in, married, not for me. My heart is still hurting, but staying open, reaching out and giving to others , not collapsing inside too much, but also feeling everything. Powerful.
I miss what I thought we were going to have, but grateful to have been opened to love, it had been years since I had felt so loved. Walking away was the hardest thing, but I know for me, the healthiest and most loving thing, for me and for him.
I wish you the best, glad you found this site, it is so healing knowing we are not alone.
I’m so relieved to have found a site like this for I too am hurting and want to get some of this off my chest.
I met my MM 3 years ago at work. At the time I was still married yet separated in separate bedrooms for the previous 6 years. Yeah, I had alot of truble getting out of this emotionally abusive marriage. And when I met MM, he was so sweet and friendly. It made my going home at night bearable because I could think of MM. First he and I became friends. We went to lunch a couple of times a week. We took walks during our lunch break. In the beginning he complained about his wife and that he wanted to leave her. He said he was in a separate bedroom as well. I told him my situation and things progressed. We were sneaking kisses, and hugs. He seemed to really like me and I started falling for him. During the next 2 years, we were still intimate. He was still married and told me he was concerned about his kids if he divorced. I on the other hand had gathered my strength to start the legal separation at home. During the 3rd year, the house was sold, I moved into my own place, and I had a very sick child to take care of. The 3rd year was hell for me in my personal life with all these things going on and I was not as affectionate or tuned into MM as I had been during the first 2 years. I still had deep feelings for MM but I was beginning to get discouraged with him since he wasnt preparing to leave his wife. As time went on, he told me about family trips…………what the hell……..whats this family trips with the wife? Oh but he was sleeping in a different bed. I believed him but still going on family trips when you didnt care much for your wife. Actually in the beginning, he told me his wife didnt like sex and they hadnt done IT for years. THat should’ve been a clue that that was what he was looking for. Anyway, as I tell it now………the writing is clear as day. You’re vision is blurred when someone is sweet on you. So as the year progressed and I was under alot of stress, I did begin to tell him perhaps he should see other women. What was I thinking? In a way, my mind knew he was staying in his marriage so I wanted to push him away but in my heart I wanted him to stay true to me. In the meantime, we were slightly intimate……only an occasional kiss or hug but I thought it was enough to let him know I still cared. Well, months down the road, he announced to me that he had just spent the weekend with a woman that he recently started dating. Of course I did get angry with him and then he used the lame excuse that I pushed him to date. I told him I was hurt and that I still had deep feelings for him. That week, we tried to see if the original affection and attraction was still there. It was. By the end of the week, I asked him if he was still going to continue to see this other woman………..yes. He told me he still has deep feelings for me but he also has feelings for her(he’s only known this younger woman(10 years his junior) for several dates. He doesnt understand why I want to break off our relationship. He wants both of us. LOL………….I am not a second class citizen and I refuse to be the other woman anymore, let alone the OOW. I really dont think he understands the hurt he’s caused.
Anyway, its only been a couple of days since our last contact, an IM. I have deleted his phone number. I have blocked his IMs. My biggest problem will be not looking at him if we should cross paths at work.
For the rest of you out there with a MM. Are you sure you’re the only woman he’s being intimate with? I made a big mistake in getting hooked up with a MM and I will never loose my dignity and self-respect like this again. I am too good for creeps like him. Its going to take lots of time to recover but I’m so glad I finally told my best friend about this and she’s been a godsend. Find someone to confide in, it really helps alot.
hey osprey,
good for you. I am coming up on week 3…….. oh my , my heart, but I know it is the best thing. Doesn’t change how my heart longs for him.
Stay strong.
Welcome to this great site,
xxxx
Gratitude
Hello
I’ve been watching this site on and off for a while. My situation is virtually the same though my man wasn’t even married. Not even a joint house..girlfiend lived with him in his house. Story was he didn’t want to hurt her so was “waiting for her to leave”. Made me believe it: this UMMan was senior to me at work : very well respected man who everyone adored….anyway I did the decent thing and split up with my boyfriend (things were bad anyway: but looking back they might have been resolved had I made the effort and not allowed myself to be swept away). Basically I thought this man was the One! I’ll spare you all the detail …much of it as above…but I just wanted to share the Wake UP call I had. The day I realised I thrown away another relationship, a home, a life, a network of friends, my hobbies, neglected my family and friends (who I’m too ashamed to tell why I split up from my boyfriend (I moved to England from Scoland to be with my boyfriend) to make myself available for my UMman..i felt extremely ill. I still do. Counselling helps and I’m trying to be busy but job and health have suffered hugely not to mention self esteem.
So anyone tempted to start a fling with an unavailble man; PLEASE don’t.
Ask yourself what it is you are REALLY missing in your life and try to address that instead…don’t put yourslef thorugh MORE misery. its prbably about loving yourslef and building an busy full rich life for yourself…then you won’t attract these needy nutters. Life is for Living…and its short!!
Take care all xxxxx
Hi, girls!
OMG, reading your posts was like listening to myself talk. I can identify with what many of you are feeling. I have a slightly different story though. My MM was my college best friend before we fell in love but I broke his heart. We didn’t see each other for ages. We reconnected after 18 years but he’s already married by then. We realized we still loved each other and he said he was already contemplating leaving his wife so we started the affair.
Two and a half years of “timing is off” and still he didn’t leave her. It took a toll on my self-esteem. My life was a mess. I was getting frustrated and has threatened to end it several times but I couldn’t do it.
And what do you know, he was the one who dumped me. Said his conscience caught up with him and he couldn’t be a good parent if he’s lying to everyone. So many excuses about finances and responsibility and doing ‘the right thing’.
Even if I wasn’t happy anymore, I was devastated of course. So many times he told me I’m the love of his life and he couldn’t live without me. Until the end he said he still loves me. Lies. Turns out I’m just the girl who had an affair with the guy who was never really planning to leave his wife. After he’s had his fill he’s done with me and now he doesn’t need me anymore.
It’s been a month since he ended it. Not a peep from him. It still hurts a lot. My heart is broken and my ego is bruised. But I’m trying hard not to let despair get the better of me. I’ve been seeing friends and spending time with family. I’m also making it a priority to get back my lost self-esteem. Baby steps to healing…
Hugs to you girls. We all deserve better. Thanks for sharing your stories. I don’t feel so alone anymore.
Dear Sad Girl,
Oh my stomach and heart clenched reading your note.
Thank you for sending and sharing.
My MM said ALL of the same things, timing, right thing, all these things
that at first seemed so reasonably noble………. I thank God it was a short
lived lowering of my standards, I broke it off, but the pain is/was still
deep. 4 weeks Sunday.
Good news, went on a date w/ a SINGLE man last night……….. slowly I go.
Many Blessings xoxox
My reminder to self, no one can take my self, my love, my worth away, or give it to me in the first place, it feels that way. I have it w/in me at all times so I am not dependant on MM or anyone else to regain it.
Dear gratitude,
Thanks for your reply.
We will all be better off once we get em exMM’s out of our system. Pretty soon it won’t hurt as much and we won’t be obsessing so much. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
Just stick to your guns and resist the urge to call/text him when you’re lonely.
You’re moving in the right direction with putting yourself out there…kudos. I wish I can be ready to do the same soon.
Hope you feel better and find the one who truly deserves your love and attention.
sad girl 😀
Hi everyone.
Hi to Gratitude,
Hi to sad girl. I wish you could very very soon change your screen name no matter how sad or lonely you feel you must find a name to get you out of this state of mind as such description will stop you moving on forgive me to point it out but i care , since I had been in this sad situation not so long ago and I felt the days and the weeks were dragging because of my sadness and the ungreatfulness of the MM I am counting my blessing today inspite of the hard time I have been through .
My life is back to me only, I am in control of it no one else, my peace is so sacret I will never ever let anyone take it from me no matter what I realised I am far better today in my confidence and self esteem , that experience tought me a lot as much as I regret it I appreciate it today at least I will not let anyone step over my foot again .
So to all of you ladies stick to your guns after the break up every time I post on the site I mentioned IF I HAVE MANAGED TO GET OUT OF THAT NASTY NASTY SITUATION EVERY ONE CAN the reason I am saying that because I was OBSESSED with MM .
I am living my futur now instead of waiting for it ,I have waisted so much energy and time on unworthy person I am far better than that.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU (SAD GIRL)
STAY STRONG GRATITUDE YOU WILL BE ALL IN MY THOUGHTS
lots of love
Fortuna
Hey Fortuna, Sad Girl,
Wonderful news Fortuna YEA !
I so agree, Sad Girl, How about Joyful Woman??? I too have learned so much about my self through all this……. truley grateful, had to go through that to get here, stronger, loving, open hearted, wiser……….. yesterday was 1 month, it still has a saddness in my heart, but grateful to feel, not shut down. BTW, the date was great 🙂 I am so appreciating this site, thank you all you wonderful woman for sharing, keeps me keepin on. Hang strong ladies.
Blessings,
Gratitude
Hello ladies,
Everyone of you are so inspiring to me. This was the first time I ever got involved with an attached man yet he said he wasn’t “that” attached. I thought I was going to become depressed when I walked away from my MM but so far I’m hanging tough and you all have helped me. It’s now been 2 weeks since I last emailed him. I had written another “final” email to him this week but I decided to just send it to myself instead. That was really difficult not to send out those last thoughts to him. I’m not sure why I thought he might care to know my last thoughts about us and the breakup. In my email I also let him know that I found someone that can provide what he couldn’t………….why did I want to piss him off yet again? I feel like I’ve turned into some vindictive woman since he’s hurt me. I guess the only way to “get back at him” is to have a happy face on when I happen to see him and not let on that I’m still hurting. No matter how hard he tries, there will be no more lunches or walks at work.I don’t think I could ever be a friend to him again. If he happens to be part of a group that I’ll be hanging with, he definitely won’t get a second look from me. I hope I make him regret the decisions he’s made recently that persuaded me to end it with him. I know I was going to end it someday since he was using the “kid’ excuse but it ended before I was really prepared. he is just another one of those MM that wants something for free and lies to get their way.
Working for the same company will hopefully make it tough on him to see me around campus. I will “dress to kill” as often as possible. I will start working out at the gym so that I will have that “hot” 40 something body and I hope he salivates while I walk past and regret that he chose that 30 something yr old. And I’m going to start enjoying life again with all my friends and family.
Thank you everyone! I am stronger and wiser even at my age.
Osprey~~~~ flying high and free
Hi Osprey,
Stay strong dont let him win over you, ou can make it girl you are doing well so far and you are not vindictiv what you are going through is very normal dont be too hard on yourself , in my view Mystery is the best weapon to make a man regret loosing you keep silence and dont give him the satisfaction of finding out what you are up to ,you are not alone we all here to support you this site is a blessing and it was a great help for me
I claiemd my life back and I am soin charge of my life now hope you will have the same peace of mind .
keep well
lots of love
Fortuna
Hey all… it’s been quite a while since I posted here. I just ended it with my MM after five months… I did this last week. Like the article says, it’s hard to do unless something so awful happens that galvanizes you, and that’s precisely what happened to me.
Our relationship itself wasn’t that bad. I didn’t have many of the gripes other OW had. My MM spent a lot of time with me. A LOT. He made me feel like a priority. We went out in public; our relationship was hardly a secret. All of his friends knew about me. He’d been married 12 years, had a 12 year old kid. I didn’t expect our relationship to become serious, but he made sure that it did. He’s the one who pushed all the “if we end up together” talk. Naturally, as he woo’ed me with all of this, my feelings for him began to deepen. And then, the idea that he was married started to become more and more unbearable. As consolation, he began informing me that he hardly spent any time with his wife anymore, that they barely even talked, because he was always with me. Which was true. Towards the end we were together almost every single day.
During our relationship at various times he had begun to inform me (unprovoked) that he hadn’t been sleeping with his wife. Obviously this began to hold less and less water the longer time went by. It simply didn’t make any sense that he would have abruptly stopped sleeping with her, and that she wasn’t even confronting him about it (according to him). A friend told me that my MM would never in a million years admit if he was, but it turns out he was wrong. Upon confronting him, the day before our five-month anniversary, my MM admitted that he had slept with her just this past weekend.
Words can’t capture what a devastating blow to the heart that was. Over the past month, our relationship had truly begun to bloom. The way he was talking to me had changed; he was being so tender, so amorous. I truly believed that our future was a sure thing. We had begun to tak of how we would make our future work. He had told me he was going to have to have “the talk” with his wife. Horrified, I began recounting the details of that past weekend. Just the night before, he had called me sounding miserable, telling me he missed me. The next morning I hadn’t emailed him and he had called me all worried, wondering why I hadn’t written to him as I usually had. When I got home I saw that he had emailed me that I was his drug. I would have never in a million years imagined that sandwiched in between all of this, he was screwing his wife.
Not to mention the times he had told me he felt “nauseous” at the idea of my being with anyone else. He truly had convinced me that he understood this fear and pain, that we shared it. He had essentially tricked me into being faithful to him.
I don’t know what came over him to cause him to so blatantly admit what he had done. I don’t know if it was arrogance, if it was just that he was so conviced I was crazed with love for him that I would simply accept it. His rationale was that “it [the assertion that he hadn’t slept with his wife] was true when he said it” and therefore he had not lied to me. He really saw it as no big deal. But my heart had died. I had never known a pain like that in my life.
The first thought that crossed my mind was that I could be with any other man at that moment and at the very least I would be able to say he wasn’t sleeping with someone else. I knew I could not go one more day with my MM. I texted his wife that he had been cheating on her with me, and forwarded to her the juiciest, most incriminating emails my MM had written to me. He was in complete shock that I had done it. I figured I would never hear from him again. That was the hardest part.
The worst was coming home and thinking to myself that the last time I’d been in my house, he and I were still together. Everything reminded me of him. Some shoes that I had ordered to wear to an upcoming party with him had arrived in the mail. The next morning I couldn’t bring myself to take a shower, or to eat breakfast; for the next several nights I couldn’t sleep. I obsessed over what he was doing, what was happening in his life now. I missed seeing his emails to me in the morning, his calls on my mobile… I missed his voice… I wanted to throw myself at his feet and beg him to make the pain stop…
By Monday, day 6, I was considerably better. I had spent the weekend with my ex, and we had booked a trip to Disney World. I was determined to heal and move ahead. I had come up with a decent sized mental list as to why I was so much better off without my MM. And then that day at noon, he called me. My heart almost stopped. There he was, sporadically sobbing, meekly telling me how much he had missed me. He and his wife had decided to split up; they were separating their bank accounts and looking for a realtor to sell their apartment. He wanted to start over with me and give me 100% of himself. He had told his wife that he loved me.
To make a long story short, I knew I would not be able to contain the rage I had for him, and I knew he wouldn’t put up with it. Three days later (yesterday), we came to blows yet again. He had been trying to convince me that he was absolutely clueless that I would be so devastated by his sleeping with his wife. I had begun to accept it, but then went searching through some of my old emails and there it was: an email I had written to him in May, sadly and pathetically detailing to him how ill I felt at the thought of him being with his wife in that way. He had no explanation for this proof I presented to him; he didn’t even try to come up with anything. When I became angry he blew up, screaming that this, all of this, even being with me, had been a huge mistake.
This morning, in possibly the lamest move ever, he emailed me, with a copy to his wife, telling me again that this had been a mistake, making it seem like he had been with me for just sex, and claiming that I was an insignificant nothing compared to his wife, and to never contact him again. I retaliated good and hard, copying his wife as well; and I suppose that’s the end of it. It set me back a few days damage-wise, but oh well… at the end, I am still free.
I can see now that I was depressed the entire time I was with him. Without even realizing it, I was walking on pins trying to be perfect in every way for him. My work and schoolwork had suffered, and he had alienated me from my friends. He had taken up most of my spare time. It hurts not being with him anymore, but the pain of knowing he was not solely with me was much worse. I don’t doubt that what we felt for each other was real… and part of me is relatively certain that, had I been able to stick it out, we could have ended up together. But what would that take? Something I didn’t have… How could I be with a man who blatantly admitted to me that he had slept with someone else… To not speak of it and have it be implied is one thing; to have it put in your face is quite another… and I couldn’t imagine anything more degrading to myself…
So now here I am… my heart is aching but I can’t be moved to tears because I know I truly am better off without him. I will move on quickly, and he will be left to contend with the ruins of his life. At times I feel like I miss him, but then I realize I miss the mirage… the beautiful mirage that he loved me in the way I thought he did, not in the selfish way he truly did…
I can’t wait for the day I can look back on this and feel no pain…
Dear See,
Your life with your MM had some similarities to mine. I understand how you feel about feeling betrayed that the MM slept with someone else. In my case it was another woman, not the wife. When he told me about his overnighting it with a woman he started dating, my heart felt like it stopped beating. I couldn’t breath and I didnt want him to see how upset I was so I ran out of the room. How can they not see the damage they’ve done to our hearts? You and I are both better off. We deserve better and I know women like us who have been fooled by these MM will find someone we can truly love and have a total relationship with.
Be strong. Every day is a gift! There’s alot of love on this site to help us get through this.
Osprey
Hey Gratitude!
Hey Fortuna!
How’s my new name sound to you gals? You’re so right. I should pick out a new name for my new attitude and status. Going on week 5 and must say I’m feeling so much better. Not thinking about him 24/7 and pampering myself often.
Thank you for all your support. Hope you’re also doing well.
Hugs to you both.
Hello Osprey!
Kudos to you girl for staying strong through your heart ache. It’s tough when we have to see them at work. You’re moving in the right direction by taking care of yourself. Let him see what he gave up…and will never get back again.
Take care. Keep posting.
Hi SeeTheLight!
My heart goes out to you. I was devastated too when my exMM admitted he was still intimate with his wife. Good thing it was a wake up call for you. It wasn’t for me at the time. I was so naive to think it came with the territory. But it eroded my self-esteem and brought in doubts. And then ultimately he chose to stay with her.
I know that he not only broke your heart but trampled upon your ego. What your MM did is simply horrible…what an a–hole. He could’ve been a gentleman through all this but he chose to show you his real character. You’re much much better off without him.
Stay strong. Keep busy. Pamper yourself. The best revenge is to live a good life.
StillStanding (a.k.a.sad girl in limbo)
Hi still standing ,
You couldn`t choose a better name ,cool great stuff, you should be so so so proud of you I know I am proud of me for standing up for myself not to give selfish men like those loosers the power to rule our existance .
keep posting as long as you can it will help you heal stronger and not relapse, and at the same time you will be able to help other ladies with your experiences I know if it wasnt for this site I would have been in deep deep trouble.
lots of love
Fortuna
Hi see the light,
I know exactly how you felt ,feel and what you are going through I have been there done that one of the most degrading thing you could ever go through a killer for your selfesteem and dignity but somehow everything happen for a reason because these nasty experiences will make us what we are today and tomorrow so KEEP STRONG as I told STILL STANDING and ofcourse MYSELF keep checking this site as a refferal to keep you strong and to help others with our experiences and the success of moving on without those creeps.
Meanwhile stay healthy and strong .
Lots of love
Fortuna
Dear NML,
I was meant to send you this message long time ago to thank you for this great site for your great effort you have put to make it so successful.
I am ever so greatful you have helped me a great deal it made a huge difference into my life now and later you gave me the courage to stand up for myself and get rid of the nasty old pattern I was living in.
Thank you again if there is anything I can do to make this sit a success, do not hesitate to contact me on my private email you have .
My site friend CHASINGh as given me the idea thanks to her she was one of the regular ladies who helped me through as well.
God bless you
lots of love
Fortuna
Dear Still Standing (strong) , Fortuna,
Love the new name, it is amazing what a name can do for you.
You and I are both on week 5………… it is getting easier. I do miss him, but you know, the growth w/in myself has been amazing.
So ladies, wish me luck, I am entering a Miss Figure, Bikini Diva, Model search tomorrow. I will be 47 next week 🙂 I almost let this break up keep me from competing, than the Holy wake up call, I NEED to do this , I NEED a personal win. Just walking through the fear of doing this is a big win. My trainer says I look great, I may be off to Las Vegas in Sept. BTW, I have a second date lined up with Mr NOT MARRIED MAN. Blessings to all you ladies, I can not begin to tell you how much reading your stories has helped me, you have given strength to me beyond measure. Hang lovingly strong,
Gratitude
That’s great news, Gratitude!
Wow, you’re an inspiration. Best of luck to you (both on the competition and the date).
Remember girls, we are winners for taking charge of our lives. We will get through this wiser and stronger.
Have a good weekend everyone. You’re all in my thoughts.
StillStanding (strong)
Good day all you wonderful woman,
I won 1st Bikini Diva, 2nd Model search, 3rd Miss Figure. I will now get to compete in San Francisco, and depending on how that goes, fly to Greece and rep, USA in the international comp. To think, I WAS NOT going to
compete because I was MISSING him!!!!!!
Thank you, all of you for all your support.
Stay strong
Most wonderful blessings to all of you,
Gratitude
Gratitude, what fantastic news! Good luck as you continue this new journey. You ar certainly an inspiration to me since I am a year older than you. I will join that health club tomorrow and get that man outta my head once and for all.
He cones back to work tomorrow after being on a 2 week vacation. I hope I can stay strong and not show any emotions if we should cross paths. What do I do if he wants to talk to me? What if he wants to be just friends? How many of you have been able to revert to being just a friend with an exMM? I’ve been thinking about him all weekend since I know I’ll probably cross paths soon. If he wants to talk, I’ve been trying to prepare myself with responses to any number of questions that he could possibly come up with. Of course there is the possibility that he doesn’t want to talk to me ever again. I don’t know which scenario would be worse for me. I guess I still have alot to get off my chest to him but why should I even bother since we’re done? He is still with the wife and he ‘s still with the new girlfriend(at least 3 weeks ago he was). I guess I just need a distraction so that I won’t think of him anymore………….I’ll join the gym!
Thank you ladies for all your support.
Osprey
Dear Osprey,
Personally, I would not have a “chat” polite, professional, smile, like he is the dork in the next office. I would not take the bait, they know how to sink the hook and reel us back in until enough time goes by. The very best revenge, a life beautifully lived, blessed by friends, and a heart that is not shut down to the beauty in this world.
Prayers to ya, polite and strong,
Cheers,
Gratitude
Hey Gratitude,
Way to go! I’m so happy for you and I’m sure all the girls in this forum share my sentiments. What a great way to move on.
I’ve lost 20 lbs so far from this breakup (from not eating and sleeping initially but now I’m just eating healthy). I think it’s time to join the gym as well. I’m 10 years younger than you but you are much healthier than me. Shame. Let us know what happens in SF. Hugs to you.
Hi Osprey,
If I can just say my two cents’, I don’t think being friends at this point is possible. Not while you’re still in love with him. You’ll just be putting your heart in the wringer every time. I would suggest avoid any contact. If he approaches you, try to be civil but aloof. And never admit how much you’re suffering because of the breakup. I’ve been there believe me you’ll kick yourself later.
To answer your question, I’m now friends with a couple of my exes. But we got friendly again years and years after the breakup when I’ve moved on and so have they.
Be strong dear and stay beautiful!
StillStanding
Hi Fortuna! Sorry for the late reply but I wanted to say thank you for your lovely comment of thanks. It is very much appreciated! I am glad that I have been able to help you and just know that no matter how hard things seems sometimes, have faith in the certainty that if you remain true to yourself and put yourself and your needs first, things will get better. Take care and stay cool NML X
Interesting article. The comments are ´so nice. The vision of a woman being the other, or I say “When someone is on the other side of the wall”
Hey Osprey,
How did it go at work ? ?
I pray you were feeling strong, lovely, wonderful, beautiful.
Still Standing,
Thank you !!!! It is a wonderful feeling of not allowing HIM to rule my life, and how I did, he took up residence in my brain……… I have had a few great days, tonight though, that familiar ache crept in, so I am writing to you ladies that so understand.
Good on you for the back to the gym and weight loss, yea !
I believe, although she won’t tell me, I lost my best friend over loving a married man, I confided only in her and since he lives across the country, easy to keep the MM part between us. She helped me come to my senses and end it. Now she seems to have become my judge and jury………. boy it is hard losing/letting go of people I love. Just have to surrender it, love her through the pain of loss, oh my heart.
Thank you for being there
xoxoxo
Gratitude
ps, I have another dinner date set up w/ a different UN MM
Hi Gratitude,
Many congratulation MISS BIKINI I bet a lot of girls were jealous of you , YOU did it girl because you stood up for youself and because you deserve it and no man ever should treat you 2nd best good luck on your dating hope you will find the person who deserves you you are done with compromise it is their turn .
My life is going so well I am on top of things I feel I can really say positive things on this site keep us posted about your dates.
lots of love
Fortuna
Hi Osprey,
The best therepy is the Gym you will be surprised how this kind of activities will change your life i am talking from personel experience .
Once you start going to the gym you will feel on top of things inspite of any dificulties . One simple advise IF YOU FEEL LAYZY AT A CERTAIN STAGE THINK ABOUT THE FEELING AFTER YOU `RE EXERCISE SESSION it is a different great feeling that is in itself will make jump out of bed like a horse.
good luck and stay strong
lots of love
Fortuna.
Hi Still Standing strong.
Glad to see you living up to your name just to tell you I love reading the development of each of the ladies out of support and inspirment, you seem in control and happier stay strong I get my strength every day by reading how well we are all doing .
Lots of love
Fortuna
Hi Gratitude!
So sorry to hear you and your best friend drifted apart. Maybe it’s not too late to renew the friendship? You need her beside you now more than ever. I wish you can work it out.
Keep smiling.
StillStanding
Hello Fortuna!
I’m making good progress in terms of recovery. I must admit there are still days when I feel the blues but they are less intense now and easier to push away. All the support and encouragement from the ladies here really hastened my healing. Thanks.
Happiness is a conscious choice, ladies. Keep posting. Stay well.
StillStanding strong
Hello Gratitude,
After 3 days of him coming back from vacation, the dreaded email arrived. His email sounds happy and he wants to get together tomorrow or Friday probably to tell me all about his trip. I don’t get it. Has he forgotten all the pain from the IMs and emails that went back and forth before he left? Is he oblivious or stupid? What am I dealing with here? I deleted the email without responding. It’s been 16 days since we last contacted each other. Does he think I’m ready to be a friend after all that’s happened?
I’m so sorry to hear about your best friend. I thought for sure my best friend would avoid me when I told her but she’s still with me, supporting me. I’m certain your best friend will come around. She just needs time to work it out in her mind.
Fortuna, I’ve signed up for the gym and I’m going tomorrow!! I’m looking forward to being energized again.
I’m feeling a bit weak regarding the MM this week cause I know he’s a building away but I’m trying to keep really busy with my work. Give me strength!
Osprey
Thank you ladies for all your love and support.
Good on you Osprey for deleting, sounds like he just wants to assuage his guilty conscious, if he can make nice w/ you……….. than he won’t have to deal.
Be strong, polite and beautiful………. no taking the bait 🙂 run to the gym.
Love to all of you, and yes, having my friend bail on me…….. hard, but you know, I am meeting some very cool woman at the gym, my friend has gain 50 lbs, is still complaining about her past BF of 6 years ago, so perhaps the split was a God send, seems as though a clearing out of the old and in w/ the new is happening 4 me.
Again , I am so grateful 4 this site and to ALL of you.
Take care
xoxoxo
Gratitude
Hi Ladies,
Today is my birthday…….. ouch damn it I miss him. Did not hear from my friend? either……… and I do not focus on the great time I had away, the friends that phoned, cards etc………
I know you all understand. It has been 6 weeks today that I said goodbye.
Thank you for keeping me strong, feeling weak today.
I have 2 dates this week, out w/ an old boyfriend 2 night…… and I miss HIM. Sad brain state.
Hope all of you are hanging strong and beautiful.
Much love,
Gratitude
Happy Birthday, Gratitude!
Hang in there, sweetie. Week 6 for me and missing him too. We all have our days. I know how you feel.
Just try to enjoy what the day brings knowing there are people who care for you.
Still Standing
Hi Still Standing,
Thank you.
This is a hard day. I so want to text him, tell him I miss him. SO I am writing all of you who understand.
My friend has gotten nasty and strange……… I do not know what is going on still. A mutual friend said it was her and her stuff…….. still it is really difficult. Makes it that much harder not contacting HIM….. wanting HIM to make “it” all better. Prayer and other friends, all of you who are so gracious and loving.
Osprey, How is it going with you?
Still Standing, hope you are having a better non missing him day.. 🙂
Love to all of you and huge appreciation,
Gratitude
Hi Gratitude,
Happy Birthday many happy returns stay strong dont even suggest to yourself that you are missing him the danger in the power of suggestion is damaging to your subconscience please be careful in occasions like birthdays christmas and so on makes it difficcult dont even go there , you were doing well you are doing well you will be doing better good luck to you .( by the way I had a bithday on the 4th of August )
Lots of love
Fortuna
Hi Still Standing ,
Hi Osprey,
Girls stay strong you have managed so far you are doing great you have so much to look forward to dont let MM contaminate your life and future you good life is to live it wellnot to let assholes have powers over you you are in charge now ,stay in charge .you are in my thoughts you have all my support and love .
Lots of love
Fortuna
Hi Fortuna,
Thank you and Happy Birthday to you !!
You are so correct, holiday times…….. my mind also was telling me
my friend who is no longer speaking to me, she is the one who helped me break free, well she must be wrong. Oh my it has been a hard day not to text him.
Thank you for all the wisdom. I so appreciate it, I am clearly not thinking clearly at the moment………. and WHY would I want to be with a married man?? why would I want to open that can of sorrow again??? Cause I am hurting. SO, I write all of you.
Blessings to all of you,
Gratitude
Hi Gratitude,
I can see you are hurting have you forgoten how pretty you are ? have you forgotten the feeling of the great moments when you won your miss bikini competition ? what`s happen to you girl? dont you ever go there again you made it so far keep moving forward you are doing well .
As far as your friend is concern accept the situation now , if she is worth to be your friend she will come round and realise who she will be loosing if she keeps behaving like that and if she is not worthy to be your friend let her dissapear out of your life , obviously you are dissapointed , it hurt but again that`s life deal with it and don`t waist your life over uncontrolable situations ,BELEIVE me one of these days you will see justice because you know you are a good person keep posting do not hesitate to to say whatever comes to your mind we will be there for you until you pass this difficult period .
lots of love
Fortuna
Dear Fortuna,
You are so wonderful. Thank you for your wisdom. It is so easy to “forget”
when all my “feelings” say different. It is a hard time, having my friend turn on me is hard. I have other friends saying the same as you, and that it is more about her…….. it is just disappointing. Yes, it is the realities of life. Again, thank you !
Today is better, the longing ache is not screaming 🙂
Thank you, all of you.
This site is a soul saver.
Much love,
Gratitude
I have been involved with a married man for three years. He finally got caught, not with me but with evidence that someone has been calling his home. Since that time, they have talked and he changed the frequency of his visits and cut down on the gifts. I have been away for a few months, cam back for three and he finally warmed back up to me and started sharing how he felt and seeing me more often. I left again and returned after 4 mos and he saw me often but for shorter periods of time. When it came time for me to leave, he apologized and said, he can’t see me because he hates long goodbyes. I missed my flight and he saw me very briefly. I am home for a few days and will not see him for 7 mos. I tell myself and go through the motions of breaking up and then the pain hits me. All I want to do is be held by him and comforted. I am begging now for him to see me but did nothing but think of him and how wonderful the sex, talking, and sharing has been. He is the most perfect man for me with the big exception, he does not want to get a divorce. When I think of this, I feel used and when I confronted him about it, he saids we used each other. While knew of his marital status, I enjoyed the treated the excitement and wanted more. Well, I am a little sick of me that I let myself be manipulated. But I guess that is my personality flaw I must work on. I don’t want to hate him and I don’t know how to be his friend that he saids we will be forever. Not real sure what to do beside reduce my emotions for him enjoy the 7 month break and cultivate this relationship with a man who wants to marry me.
Glad this site is out here, did not know so many woman like me exist. I guess that is the ugly fallout of women’s liberation.
Hurtfullly in love.
Hurtfully in Love:
You are in such a tough situation. Not only are you in love with this man but you have been with him for 3 years and he does not want a divorce?? Wow. I can not imagine how hard that must be for you. I have been with my MM for over a year now but he has told me from day 1 that his plan is to get a divorce, so atleast I have that, but that still does not make it any easier being the OW. Can I ask you, did he tell you that he would never divorce his W from Day 1 or is that a recent development?? Since you know that you will not see him for 7 months and he is not willing to give you what you desire, I would say now is the perfect chance to make that clean break and move on from him. He will stay with you as long as he can, you need to be the one to distance yourself from him. Right now he has the best of both worlds. OR, if you love him enough and can handle the way things are, then be with him and try and make it work. There is a chance someday he might change his mind, you never know really. All you can do is hope. You know what is right for you and we on this site will be here for you to offer any advice we can to you. I was also amazed at how many women are like us and how many OW there are! This site has been a big help to me and hopefully it can be to you as well 🙂
Stay strong and take care…..
I once had to use this sight to help me get over my MM. It helped out a great deal. Now I hope what I can share will help others. Although I don’t hurt even half as much and have moved on with my life, I noticed some on here who may need a bit of encouragement . My MM and I were together for 2 yrs. I now have had no contact with him in 7 months. First months were a challenge and difficult but now I look back at my 2 yrs with my MM not wearing my rose colored glasses any more. 7 months getting back in touch with myself I see now how manipulated I was. I was so in love with him. As he said, we were soul mates. He was very romantic, adoring affectionate and very in tuned with me. I could not see the “real” situation because I was so in love. When my MM and I first met he told me he was divorced. I believed him because he was not living at home. He had a roommate. We seen each other several times a week and shared major holidays together. Then about 4 months into our special loving relationship I get a phone call from wife. Well, during the rest of our relationship after finding out about wife he always told me he was getting a divorce. I shared once before in another posting he went as far as getting me a diamond ring and house. He said he wanted to divorce her because. They never talked any more, she never understood him, their sex was terrible or non existent, she spent to much time with the kids not with him you know the drill. His dad, his son and his wife all told me that he wanted to be with me. I was told this for 1 yr then that went to 2 yrs. I never pushed for it, never told him to leave, I understood about how his children would get hurt. I never dated anyone because I was in love with him. But now I look back on his marriage. I think gosh how lucky I was that I did not marry him. He is a cheater. If he could not be up front with his wife of 15 yrs about things and run from them to be with another woman. How would he be with me. In a sense I was letting him cheat on me knowing he would go back to wife. oh of course they never had sex and if it was it was terrible. Now the no contact has been a life saver. I am back to my true self. I am now back in control of my life, I kayak every weekend alone, active with habitat for humanity, done several 5 k’s, concerts, festivals, drum lessons, belly dancing you name it. I am taking back the years I wore rose colored glasses. I made myself look at situation for what it truly is not for what he told me and made me believe. Then I made the choice to stay away. This allowed time for me to see it for what it really was. A man,( though very special to me at one time ) was hurting someone he made vows to. How could I let myself fall so low for a man who could do that? She knew he was in love with me she told me. She told me more then once. The last few months of my MM relationship she said she was going to fight for him and save her marriage. I am glad she fought for him. Because she was the stronger one who stayed or is the more naive of the two of us. I got tired of him cheating on me. Even though he said they never slept together. He was still married. I got tired of my life in limbo. I felt distant from who I am. My job requires attention to patients and that started to slip. I felt like I was on some drawn out soap opera. It was a tuff few months of letting go. But I am so worth it. My life is better then before. My eyes are now wide open. I worry about some on here.
been there, you are so right on…………. great post.
I am so grateful to have not been w/ my MM any longer than it took. I need to ask myself some hard questions that have nothing to do w/ him except for the situation I decided to get involved in. I thank all the woman who have been such a great source of strength when I had what felt like none. I pray 1, if another MM strolls in I run for the hills, but more important than that, I will not attract a MM in my world again.
Seems like the 7 months away from HIM is a gift, I pray you receive it as such and stay strong, as painful as that can be.
Stay strong, you are so worth it
xoxox,
gratitude
I finally sent an e-mail out to him, telling him I deserve better than being kept a secret.
He will not divorce his wifey, and I do not have time to cry over him.
I think about him constantly, but I need to move on and not look back for myself.
I lost myself when I was with him, I only thought about the short term happiness I had while with him, and disregarded the hurt and pain I had when he was unavailable.
Anyway, so, I’m hoping he does not call me at all, because I am trying my best to be strong, but it’s really really hard!
I love myself 🙁
😉
September, 1. 2007
Hi,
I dony know if anyone remembers my story but I was the one who lost my job and friends because of my relationship, some through choice and some through never being able to go back there.
Anyway I recently began going out once or twice a week to a pub with the girls, and each day (same day every week) this one man has been there, a little older then me but never the less.
Anyway we began talking and all of a sudden he has become part of our clang, although spending most his time with me. The other night we were stood at the bar talking and four hours went by and I hadn’t realised we had been that long. (My friends not caring as they were happy to see me having some male contact for the first time in so long).
Anyway I found out earlier today that he is yet again another married man. What do I do? I mean his wife has cancer, and I dont think she is doing to well. But do I have a sign on my head or something that says “Hey married men this way?” I’m so confused 🙁 !
Help would be appreicated.
Mel xx
Dear mc416,
RUN………….. do you really want to go through all that again?
I think we are given lessons, situations in our life that WE can choose
to learn from, grow from, not repeat, OR not. I pray you keep hangin w/ your friends, chat, have fun, and know that you are worth having a man that is only with you, no baggage, no wife.
xoxox
Gratitude
I know. I just can’t believe its happened to me again, I mean I dont mean to do this, i really dont. The last thing i set out to do is find all these married men. I’m just so confused.
He just seemed so genuine, he really seemed like he would be the one after the one. lol.
xxxx
Hi mc416,
Don’t lost your valuable time giving attention, more than a simple attention for a friend, to married man. Rarely a married man really is in bad position to change his relations, and interesred in re-begin with another woman. Sometimes, the most times, what the great part want, is a woman to serve him and give him sex pleasure, and no more. From my observations I noted that a lot of number does not respect a woman like a person, and only look for his pleasure object.
Walk ahead and take care, don´t lost your time and your life. You still will find someone single, not involved with another woman, which will make you happy.
Good Luck mc416,
Cheers,
Jorge
MC416
I agree with Jorge. Plus, you know what the heck! His wife is seriously ill and he is talking with girls in a bar. Come on. Do you really want to be with someone who can be such a Jerk! Dear God. If I was married and I was dying or very ill I hope he would be home helping around the house being there for me not trying to get laid or hook up with a girl before I die. Can’t he even wait. MC you really need to take a closer look at that. Seems as if one minor set back would have him running for a new girl. Would you want that to happen to you. Do you really feel as if a man would complete your life right now. that kind of man. I hope not. Like Jorge said take time for you. Do things for yourself. Try volunteer work too besides being with your friends. Get to know how awesome you are and you deserve better. Way better then a jerk like this man. I am not trying to be mean but dont be little yourself.
Oh one more thing. I understand about the sign thing. I like Married Men sign. The sucky thing about married men. How they work is they agree pretty much with everything you say. They seem to be so sweet kind and understanding. They will say pretty much anything to sleep with you. Its hard to differ them from a genuine man trying to really get to know you. I know that SUCKS. It’s hard to tell ,they do seem very honest. I dont think there is anything wrong with being yourself when you meet a new man. You dont want change that. Always stay true to who you are. Sad sorry thing is just becareful. If you find out. just walk away. Someday a honest loving man will be there. I seem to find married men too. Maybe we have been there before and now we just can tell who they are now?
I am on the fence, I have been seeing this guy for almost 8 yrs. I am truly in love for the first time in my life everything is great BUT of course you all know what is coming next… He is married. Actually we were both married when we started seeing each other. I got divorced because that was the path I was heading before we met.
Of course after I got divorced he would tell me he was working on it and it would be soon. Well it is 5 yrs later and here I am written this. I am so torn. I have started looking for fault in everything he does. I have thought a couple of times to call it off. My mind tells me it is the right thing to do but my heart is breaking. I need some support so I can actually do this. Any input would be greatly appreciated
I’m at that very crossroads myself at this very moment, but after a lot less time than 8 years………it must be tearing you apart……I feel your pain – God bless x
SOTF:
My heart goes out to you. I am single & began seeing a guy at work who is married with a young child. He and I have lots of chemistry and fun and I actually thought he was separated when things began and temporarily ended it when he flat out told me that he wasn’t (ostensibly for the kid). I’m starting to feel like he’s using me to feel like a stud among his friends, which is dangerous because it started with just he & I agreeing not to tell anyone (save for his best guy friend which I was okay with), & suddenly this weekend I realized that pretty much all his friends know, including his best (female) friend who works with us. My point is that it’s a slippery slope & I am recognizing it. I began seeing him four months ago after six months of flirting. I thought he had a great character but once I realized he wasn’t even separated & gave me all these cliches, I stopped seeing him and tried to stay as far away as possible, which was hard given that we worked together, but I got my center back. Recently I fell into the mindset that I was strong enough to hang out, drink, and spend time with him & of course we ended up hooking up again and romantic things were said by both of us, which of course validated things in my mind that what we have is something rare and beautiful. I am realizing that I keep compromising my boundaries. I forgave myself at first, rationalizing that if he told people after agreeing not to, no harm no foul – it would be a litmus test for me to see if he valued me enough to keep the confidence, if not, at least I’d know & end it. He didn’t at first but now the slope is sliding since he’s now he’s told all these people & I just feel….cheap. It’s my own self that I’m angry with more than him. His rationale is that the friend/s would never talk, and that it won’t find it’s way back to the office grapevine and that I shouldn’t worry about it. This may or may not be true, but things have a way of getting sloppy and he didn’t tell me when he told his friends, I’ve sensed dishonesty, fudging the truth, and what I’d imagined about him (that he was a decent, honest, sensitive guy) is being contradicted by these new realities coming to light. I saw him yesterday and often feel/hope that I would love to be in a legitimate relationship with him, but even I know that he’d probably make me miserable even if he did become single and then my boyfriend or something.
I do resent having to own up to being “single” when in truth I am intimately and emotionally involved with someone. I feel like he’s selfish and trying to seem like a stud, and I don’t want to be “that girl”. My pride is hurting. I know people will legitimize it if we hang out among them but I also realize they’ll probably say some cruel things about me behind my back & I don’t want to be a focal point of drama. I’m honestly not strong enough for that. I’d like to break it off with him but the irony of the whole situation is that I can’t wait to see him again so I can break it off. On an intellectual level, I also realize that in addition to being unfaithful to his wife, I become jealous if he flirts with OTHER, other women, and that I ultimately want a boyfriend that people won’t disapprove of. I also don’t want to worry about what people are thinking or saying about me behind my back. What do y’all suggest I say to break it off to him? I would like to remain friends and continue to hang out with the coworkers & him, etc, esp. as we are all close at work. I was thinking of saying something nonaccusatory (as recommended on this site) like: “I don’t want to be “that girl”, I’m kind of uncomfortable with it, I really like you & admit that I’m weak when it comes to sex/attraction,etc…but this isn’t for me, hope we can continue to hang out as friends though, etc” and spin it like something positive has come out of it. This way if it gets out (which I’m suspecting it will) at least that’s a move to be proud of – okay not proud necessarily, but it would be a stronger move than just continuing to hang around & take crumbs. Or should I just not definitively say anything? I feel like I should, lest rumors begin shortly. It might be nipping it in the bud. Thankfully, I haven’t slept with him yet, though came close several times. Please let me know how I should “end” things. Thanks for the support, the stories really helped me & kind of serve as a warning/wake up call – I’m not so unique that I can escape cliches sometimes.
Oh I so appreciate ALL of you writing. My heart aches and so understands the pain. I am so GRATEFUL !!! My MM is over. It was in June I ended it,
my goodness, you ladies helped me through the desire to “make it work” to ease the pain. I am on the other side now, no more wanting him, seeing him “For REAL’ now, and not the rush of love, passion glasses.
I contacted him, told him about winning my Figure contest, (BTW, won 2 2nds and a 3rd last night, a step closer to the international team in Greece) he congratulated me, told me blah, blah, blah, so I sent him an email to see if he would tell me the truth………. never heard back. I did not expect he would. Truth is not a strong character trait in MM, nor in fact for me while I was involved w/ him, compromising good parts of myself.
Be strong ladies, selling our soul for crumbs, is it really worth the lies we tell ourselves?? I say NO.
xoxox
hello ladies,
thank you so much for your postings… you have no idea how much it helps! i’m just ending things with my MM… my story is a bit different in that we never slept together, nevertheless it still hurts..
I met him at work, he helped me professionally (with advice and emotional support) and we became very close (well, no mention of the wife, of course… but would tell me everything about the rest of his life); we both called it a good friendship, felt like we had the greatest connection, same sense of humor; i still do. emailing started at night too, so we were talking for almost 20 hrs a day. this went on for about 9 months altogether. then, a few days ago, i told him how i felt, then said he felt the same things as i did, i told him i was inlove with him, he didn’t; the reply was pretty much ‘i’m sure you’ll meet someone and be really happy’ – which is one of the most hurtful things he could’ve said; i know what i need to do now, it’s just so hard…
Sometimes men don’t get it. They don’t think about what they are saying.
I can understand how you feel
I’m in a “relationship” with a guy who is an Attached Man (AM). I’ve been dealing with him off and on (mostly ON) for over three years. When we first met, he told me he was living with a young woman who he had been in a relationship with previously, but at that time, they were not involved. They were living together because of legal reasons, he said. Against my better judgment, I started spending time with him and eventually became emotionally attached and physically intimate. The chemistry between us has been very strong from the start. We’re very much alike in our personalities, our personal relationship histories and desires. Except for one MAJOR thing – I want us to be exclusive.
He claims that I’m everything he wants in a woman. He loves my company, I am his confidant, he’s never felt this kind of connection with anyone else before. But, one thing about him is that he has always maintained a love for his girlfriend (which I think is born more out of his perceived obligation because of her and her family’s significant support of him at a most vulnerable and stressful time in his life). Despite this “love” for her, he said he didn’t feel they were compatible nor that he’d want to spend the rest of his life with her. Ironically enough, though, he HAS SPENT the past 3+ years with her. In that time, they “kissed and made up,” she got pregnant and they now have a son together. All the while, he didn’t want to give me up (of course not!). Upon learning of her pregnancy (a year and a half ago), I was devastated & on the verge of going “crazy.” So, I decided to end things with him about a month and a half later (May 2006). I was in another relationship for about 8 months after that. Of course, that didn’t stand the test of time because it was a rebound courtship I entered solely to try and get AM out of my mind/system. However, I still thought about AM constantly and even hooked up with him a couple times while I was with the new boyfriend. After things ended with my rebound man (February 2007), it wasn’t long before I found myself back with AM (April 2007).
When we’re in each other’s company, we have a wonderful time together and the sex is the best ever. But, it tears me apart, each and every time he has to leave, and I wind up feeling bad about myself. Contrary to what others may believe, I don’t find pleasure in playing the role of “The Other Woman.” I’ve been in his girlfriend’s shoes, with my man cheating and maintaining an ongoing affair with another woman. In that situation, I realized that I had to get out because the other woman was not going anywhere. He’s with that woman right now. I think that situation is part of the reason I stick with my AM…..because I’ve seen that being The Other Woman is not always an evil intention of another. Sometimes, people come together under not-so-ideal circumstances but they may just be ideal for each other. I was broken up over my man’s infidelity and eventual relationship with the other woman that it took YEARS for me to get over. In fact, I still feel twinges of hurt, disappointment and resentment from time to time. There are children involved so I’m constantly reminded of the situation that impacted my life (and my daughter’s life) so significantly and negatively. But, I’ve come to realize and accept that (obviously) they really did/do love each other and, despite how it happened, maybe they’re supposed to be together.
So! With me and my AM, no matter how much I want things to be different, they’re not. It is what it is. I know I am not happy playing second best…never was, never will be. The power is in my hands and I know I have to stop this madness. I have to stop it to maintain any sense of self-respect, self-worth and sanity. I don’t want him to leave her for me. I want him to leave her because that’s what he wants to do. I wouldn’t feel good, if all of a sudden, he decided that today he’s going to leave her and be my man. No no no. I want him to leave that relationship altogether and then he and I may hook up again and see how things progress. Truthfully, he has had the opportunity to leave and be with me and he hasn’t done it. Every day, he has the opportunity to get out….to at least make the decision to end it, then take steps to change his living arrangements & such. But, for some reason (whatever it may be), he’s CHOOOSING to stay with her….and as long as he’s with her, he can’t be with me.
With that knowledge, I have to go. I’ll pray for the courage and the strength to do so.
you’re absolutely right… i hope you have the strength to do it.. i completely feel your pain, although my situation is different; be strong, and if you’re meant to be together it will happen! meanwhile, try and get on with your life because he is… that’s what i am doing; and it hurts, but it has to be done
Hi, I am TOW in a relationship of 15 months and after reading this site and your posts I know I need to break it off with him, he will never leave her, if he intended to be with me, he would be by now. My question is this, how do I do it? by text, by phone, arrange to meet him? What is the best way to do this?
Help!! x
Hi everyone, I’ve just joined – what an amazing place full of wonderful strong women. I wish I could say the same myself. Mine is a very long story so I’ll try to keep it short. I met my MM many years ago, I won’t say how long as I’m too embarrassed at the length of time ! He left his wife and moved in with me, but only because I had a very short-lived affair with a work colleague which meant absolutely nothing, was going absolutely nowhere but I didn’t care at the time as I was just crying out for some love and attention. This ‘forced’ my MM to leave his wife and move in. I didn’t ask him to, in fact I repeatedly asked him if he was really sure he wanted to and he said he was. He moved out after 15 weeks of a very turbulent time when I had to cope with his massive mood swings as he couldn’t cope with the fact that I had betrayed HIM. I betrayed a married man who was still with his wife ! I still can’t get my head around it but he made me feel I had betrayed him. This was a man who never gave me more than an hour a week or sometimes even less of his time. Unfortunately I loved him deeply and stupidly still do. He went back to his wife, she welcomed him with open arms. I have seen him occasionally, though not enough and the last time we spoke (3 weeks ago) he said he hadn’t been in touch as he’d been feeling down about what happened. It’s all about HIM. What about me ? The whole situation totally messed me up emotionally. I only had the ‘affair’ with the other guy because he (MM) made me feel so unwanted, refusing to commit for years. I’m trying so hard to have the no contact, but it’s killing me. He hasn’t been in touch for 3 weeks so I’m trying to maintain that too. However the big problem being he still says he loves me. I know what I SHOULD do but it’s never quite that easy is it ? I know people on here won’t judge me. I’d just like some support if anyone would like to reply.
In addition to my recent post, I am adding this to say that when I had the fling with the other guy (not the MM) before the MM decided to move in with me because he ‘didn’t want to lose me and this made him realise he was losing me’ – I say fling because it was a one-night stand – I had already told the MM we were finished earlier that week. He still sees it as me betraying him.
Dear “off my head” and X,
No, it is not easy, I had to end it by email. His voice caused me to be weak in the heart and commitment to what I had to do. That is the insanity of self centered men and the woman who love them, we believe the “stuff”
Jorge, I love what you write. MM or not, WE woman HAVE to say no to bad behavior. WHY do we make excuses for them, we would never put up with that behavior from a friend. EVER. I have had to take a long hard look at my desperate heart. I let myself get into the relationship, grateful I did not have sex with him, but non the less, I gave him my heart. I knew better, but believed the leaving the wife line, like we all have. IF there is another MM that comes strolling in, I will run. I pray to God to never do this to myself again.
Be strong ladies, the pain will end ease. you will get your “self” back. Do something good for yourself, work out, best revenge, have a great honest life. THEY want us to feel lost without them.
xoxoxoxo
gratitude
Dear Off My Head !,
Have in mind somethings. Love is beautiful word, but love is not only to be heard and said. Love is to be demonstrated with actions, with respect, with care, and so on. A person, does not matter, which never or almost never is available to who he/she says to love, the person that never can demonstrate his affection in pratic way, really do not love his/her partner.
As you said your MM only has a few minutes to you some days along the year or the month. This is not a man that love you.
You will cry, the sadness will be your friend for a time, but indeed you will get to leave this situation.
Call him to a meeting, and looking in his eyes ( if him in fact has face and eyes, – a great part of man does not has face nor eyes to look for the woman which his says love – he at least will hear you without interruption, or withouth try to you change of proposal or idea, and leave you life); says him that you are tired of the game imposed by him. You are a woman, a great woman certainly and has your merit to get a better life a better guy to divide your best and poor moments in your life.
If a man, does not matter if MM or not, never accept to divide the life with the person he says to love, this man never loved you. He only wont you like a object.
Good Look, I hope you has better days. Think in yourself, think in your own life, and go ahead. The road of life is short to be lost with whom don’t want spent lifetime with you.
Jorge
i agree with gratitude and x… i actually ended mine face to face yesterday – it was so hard!!!! but i looked into his eyes as i told him , and i finally saw a reaction – guilt! it’s still very hard, i’m dying to talk to him and see him, but people say it gets easier…. and it really was a little bit easier in the afternoon than it was this morning, so it must be true! 🙂 good luck ladies, be strong!
Dear Off My Head:
I went through the same thing, with my AM feeling like I betrayed him by being with someone else. Because, by breaking it off with my AM, I did choose that other person over him, he (AM) eventually stopped speaking to me altogether. After he finally decided to talk to me again, he told me that he had vowed to NEVER talk to, let alone, be with me again…..that I had betrayed him, played him and made him look like a fool!!! Huh?!?! I didn’t…..and still don’t….understand that logic. Nevertheless, we were back at it in no time and here I am again……
If anyone who’s reading this has found the courage and the strength to end it with their MM/AM, please do me a favor and DON’T GO BACK!!!!! I ended things numerous times with my AM but always found myself back in his arms. Although this time, it was me who pursued the relationship with him, convincing myself that I could handle things this time around and that I was okay with him not being my man, I know it was a STUPID thing to do and I only LIED to myself and to him. I love him, I’m in love with him and, though it may sound crazy/stupid to some, there’s still a part of me that is hoping things will change.
That being said, I’m certainly not holding my breath, waiting for this to happen. I do talk to other guys and, if the opportunity arose, I’d definitely spend time with someone else and give another relationship a try.
Jorge
Thanks for your response, I will try, I am trying to pluck up the courage to arrange meeting him to tell him how I feel and that I need to stop seeing / hearing from him. Deep down, Im still hoping he will leave her and be with me, but in my head I know he wont….Is it silly to hope for this!? I love him so much and it will be so hard to call it off. I know he will try to talk me round, and I dont know if I am strong enough to resist his charms!
realising at last … xx
Jorge, I love your upfront honesty. Thank you for all your post.
It is for us to change ourselves, our thinking, our actions. The “if only’s”
are a sure way of keeping the hope of alive, and the whithering of our soul.
The if only’s, the endless mind loop to hell, and wasted life.
xoxoxox
Jorge,
THANK YOU for your blunt honesty. All that you have said is absolutely right. There’s (seemingly) always an exception to a rule and I guess we’d all like to think we’d be that exception. Although I enjoy the time I have with my AM, as soon as he’s gone, I get a sick feeling in my gut. It’s just another time that I’ve let my self down – heart and soul. I know I deserve better but I convince myself that it’s okay….we’re just having fun….and even, I don’t want him. But, as I’ve said previously, there IS a part of me who thinks there may be a chance with my AM…but her voice is very small. I know, in my heart, that if he wanted to be with me, he’d be with me by now. Nothing is stopping him but him.
I never thought it possible for me to be in the situation I am in and I have been very disappointed in myself. I know, that in order for me to get out of this situation, I need to forgive myself for getting into it. I’m not literally STUCK….I can let go any time I want to. It’s all up to me….I got myself in and I have to get myself out.
So, again, thank you Jorge and all who are in this struggle with me. I feel better about myself, knowing that there are other women who are going through what I’m going through and that I’m NOT some evil person, lurking after another’s man.
All of you ladies are an inspiration… i have to read your postings every day to get strength… today was day 1 of no contact at all!
I have been involved w/ a married man w/ 5 children ranging from 3-12 years of age. I also was at the end of a failed marriage and fell hard into the relationship w/ MM. The first 4 months my husband was in the house. It was April when he left. Our affair became more intense and we became so much closer. The mm broke our relationship off on Aug. 28 out of the blue. He ran scared because he said his wife smelled perfume when he went home 8 hours prior to our breakup. He threw me under the bus. The prior 2 weeks he finally told me that he truly loved me but where would he go. I told him to go to his mothers. He says over and over that he cannot be w/out his kids. He also says he would be broke from child support. I have spoken w/ his partner at work a best friend of his and says he is completely unhappy with the w. God forgive me but I saw pictures of her and she is fat and unfeminine. I am completely heatrbroken and am fighting myself about whether I should let her know about us. I need advice from someone who has been there. Why should he walk away w/ no pain and untouched. By the way he brushed the perfume thing under the rug. Maybe she was suspicious but he wasn’t caught. It is approaching 1 month and my heart is broken.
Liza
First off I want to say how sorry I am that you fell in love with a married Man. It hurts deep to the core I know. I was in one as well for 2 yrs. You may be able to read some of my story under the name Tina S. I was manipulated by my married man from the get go. He first told me he was divorced then bought us a house that we worked on together and he even came to my work and proposed to me with a diamond ring after 11 months of being together. Only to find out the house that was ours was actually their old home. He had bought a bigger house with a lake and stuff for his wife and kids. He was actually just fixing up ” our” house ( their old one) to get it ready to rent out. Any ways my story’s are above somewhere. Here is my thought on telling his wife. My MM’s wife found out about us so many times I can not remember all the times but like a doz or so. Do you know not once did she ever get mad at me. She was a Christian woman and took a hard look at who was to blame. It was her husbands. She knew about everything and understood why I fell in love with him and that I was manipulated by him. She was not the mean wife who didn’t understand him or ignored him or had no sex with him like he said she was. She was actually very nice and she has 4 kids and a job and now that big house to take care of. She was actually not anything he ever said that she was. She was actually a wife doing mommy things and wife stuff to keep her house hold going. Like I would if I was in that same situation. I have not had any contact with my MM since Jan 7th or 14th I forget. She was willing to take him back because they believe in repenting and have faith in God to forgive and forget. I do understand that frustrating used feeling and the deep hurt down in your heart, he ripped out your soul when he just dumped you like there was nothing there at all. I know that feeling oh so well. He said he loved you and much more im positive of and you gave him your heart and soul and believed in him. You did that because you truly fell in love. It hurts so bad you have to get him back to hurt him just as bad as he hurt you. How can they get away with this. Some how or another they do. They always do. The only thing I believe in is if there was love in his heart for me at all I hope in some form of way he misses me and feels guilty for the deep pain he inflicted in my soul. My life as im sure as yours has not been the same even after months almost a year here of moving on. I tried my hardest to move on. I for the life of me still am in love with the man I met. I have to remind my self of the bastard that he really is. And I thank God that I never married that bastard. So getting back to the wife. You say she is fat. Well, he helped contribute to that factor. I don’t think my figure would be so tight any more after 5 kids. And maybe she is depressed because deep down she isn’t getting the attention he once gave her to get her those 5 kids. If you tell her about the affair. I don’t think this would affect him. It would probably make him more mad at you and give him another reason to throw in your face of why he is going back to her. I think it would harm those 5 innocent children and his wife pretty bad. It would change the lives of the kids. May mess them up as adults. We truly don’t know who the wife is. We hear what we are told and hope that we are better then his wife. We want to be better then the wife. She has to be nagging him but man. come on. Reality is that’s what wives do and if he is having affairs I feel maybe she may have a reason to be naggy. We only want to believe what he tells us. If the wife gets mad and yells at us and him for finding out. She has every right to become a bitch to us. I tell you what. If someone tried to take my guy I fight for him heck yes after 5 kids. Its our instinct to do that. Or be strong and realize what a freakin prick he is for manipulating two woman and dump him. It wont be easy with 5 kids. Liza. The wife really has nothing to do with the crap he pulled on you. It really really freakin sucks that they can walk away from us with out remorse or their heart broken as bad as ours. Think about that part of it. That’s the type of man he really is. Someone who can easily walk away from his wife and his lover. That would of been the man you would of been with phoney’s only play the game for so long before their true personalities come out. I believe that all these men who cheat will cheat again. on there wives or on there lovers. They know how and they get their lovers to believe everything thing and we believe ever single reason and fib they tell us. Im sorry for the pain your in. Why he did that if he loved you I don’t know. I wish I knew why that happened to me as well. I never did anything to hurt him. I just gave him my heart. The harsh truth and painful truth is you have to just step up and find yourself gather up all the strength you have left and just walk away. Let it go. It wont be easy at first but in my stories above I talk about the rose colored glasses we have on when we are with our MM. Soon your going to be relieved that it did end when you are not looking at him with your rose colored glasses. It breaks my heart to see so many women truly in love. We gave so much of ourselves to these men. It hurts that they are pricks. I along with all the woman on here. I just want to know why? Why didn’t they just pick up a one night stand at a bar why pick me make me fall in love and drag our emotions in it. Be brave. Hope I made sense on here.
Been There, what awesome reply. Straight up truthful and so loving. I love how you stood up for his wife. All of it. Brava.
Liza,
it has been since June that I ended mine. Oh my gosh, the pain……. and I wasn’t w/ him like you were. But I gave my heart.
I am , thank God, over him, I look back, and Like Been There said. I am so glad we are not together……….. they have the skills down, he is most likely onto another, sorry, but I really think this is a game, a control, sick, power trip for most of them. Dear one, look at it as a gift, find the good. Regain your soul. IT WILL GET BETTER, I promise, but only if you start seeing him for who he is, be grateful you got away, and forgive as soon as you can. Bitterness will only injure you.
God Speed in your healing,
keep posting,
big hug,
Gratitude
Tina S, Since last writing my mm contacted me the same evening after posting at this site. He called asking how I was, how my son is, all kinds of small talk. Then a few hours later showed up where I work. I am a bartender and manager so we ended up being alone at closing. Our conversation was actually nice, kind of like a replay of the first day we met. I stayed strong though. I did want him because I am lonely and not even a peck on the cheek. He said to me, “Haven’t you figured out why I am here?” I said what did you say? Then he was just looking at me w/ those pathetic sad eyes. Quickly I said lets go. Then he called me on his way home. What should I do? I really miss him? He needs to be a man and face the facts. If you do not love your wife, stop being greedy, pay child support and make yourself happy. His kids will be better off w an honest happy man rather than a deceitful cheater trying to have the best of the both worlds. I do think his wife tried tying him down. I know people who know her and said she is a confrontational brut. I feel like I am getting stronger and I am sure I caught him off guard the other night. I do suspect I will hear from him soon. I cannot help how much I care for him. What should I say next time. Like I said we didn’t get to personal w/ the 4 hour visit. Liza
Liza
I am not sure what to say here. I can not understand how she tied him down? They have 5 kids “together”. Think that comes from lack of sex? I think that you are still very much attached him. I can understand I was in your shoes before for 2 yrs. You need to stop contact with him if you want to move on. You should not open yourself to listen to anything he has to say unless its coming to tell you he is divorced. Your posting seemed to have a lot of reasons for this and reasons for that. The truth is, that even if he leaves his wife and kids and goes to you he may be happier. He will have much more of a financial burden.The wife will forever be in his life. He still has the responsibility as a father to help make sure those kids get to practices, sports, school, Dr. appointments. Because he goes to you won’t erase his responsibilities as a father. OR I hope they wont. What kind of man would that be? But just because he is to “step up and admit” what he has done wont change that fact that he is a deceitful cheater. Just like Gratitude wrote above this is a game, a control, sick, power trip for most of them. And now what you cannot see is you played it just as exactly as he wants it to work for him. being with a married man has similarities to being with an abusive man. Its called a cycle for abused woman. The men are so super sweet at one moment, beat the tar out of these woman,( for us go back to wife) woman want to leave the men but have reasons why they stay because they love them, The men feel bad apologize, shower with gifts or act as if they are so sorry they promise so many things to get you to come back. And they do all this just to have the cycles go around again. We get caught up in the same type of cycle. Because this man has a sick problem. I and like the other girls here, are or have been in that type of cycle with our married men. We go back because they promise us so much make us feel they truly adore us. They are our soul mates, we have a deep connection. My MM’s wife would find out about us, then he runs to her ” to calm her down” he says, I would have no contact for a few days then he would come back to me with some reason that would make me believe him, feel sorry for him and see that he is so in love with me still. He would send boxes of love letters to my work ,these boxes had dozens of cards and letters of how we are soul mates, I constantly was sent flowers, He sent me the movie The Note Book DVD and a ceramic bear figurine of two bears in a boat like on the movie the note book with the movie, He would charm me right back to him. Once he even took an early retirement from a major automotive company as an electrician( this is when I had enough and it was over) told me that he had a plan on how we can be together. He went to South Carolina told me he moved there and he was looking at schools because he was going to raise the older boy out there with him. Wanted me to move out there and live with him. He had me come out there for a visit to prove he had a new job in another state away from his wife. This was all done after 1 month of his wife finding out about us again. I go there he his so romantic and sweet we talked about were we live and this was even the weekend of their wedding anniversary. Whelp wife finds out I was up there with him and tells me he only went to South Carolina to take on a part time job for a few weeks as an electrician. It was true. He did not move out at all. He just plotted another move to get me back in his life. I told you this because this is a sick game,they can charm and be so sweet. I believed him. The truth is. Walk away. If its love you can wait until he is divorced. He needs to be divorced. But how that usually goes is they have really good reasons why they cant divorce yet. The kids are to young, money, the house, maybe after this or when this happens then I will. If any of these come up. Basically he just said and told you that divorce is not in the near future. And if you believe that and stay, your in his game. Some form I do believe that theses married men do love us. But its an unhealthy relationship. And if he divorces be prepared for your responsibilities with the that. He will have no money. there will be 6 people in his life besides you and your son. His family his mom and dad and brothers and sisters. How do they feel about this? Just a thought of what you should look at too. Sorry if im being brutally honest. I have been there! I now can see clearly the game these men play. I read the profiles and see excuses and reasons on these post of why they went back to their MM just after they post why they are breaking up with them. I did that too at one time. Its pretty painful. Like I said before I still am having to work on it. I will tell you one thing that is for sure and I know Gratitude feels the same. There is a huge sigh of relief when you walk away. No more stress of waiting for calls when are you going to see him again. Is he leaving or staying with the wife. I lost myself and my identity when I was with a MM. I am back to my old self again. I am back doing fundraiser’s for my community again meeting handsome guys, drum lessons, belly dancing, kayaking . You deserve so much better then a man who cheats. To me a cheating man shows that he cannot handle responsibilities and runs away from it. He shows no truth in his communication only that he is good at lying. I am so happy I didn’t marry a man like that.
I just can’t believe he is sniffing around so soon. I was hoping it was because he missed me. I think that is what he was saying. As far as his family goes. His 2 brothers know about us. I went out w/ he and his brother in the very beginning. His brother told him to get divorced because he will get caught. His mom and dad have no relationship w/ the wife. Very nasty. I know this for a fact because my friend who lives in their area knows the wife a bit from the little ones going to school and says how much she hates the parents. My mm is very close w/ his folks. He lives only about 2 miles away from them. His brother is divorced and lives w/ the parents. The other brother lives in Brooklyn, where he is from. My MM says there is always seperate b-day cakes for he and the kids at his house and his moms house. Completely divided. The wife is lazy, doesn’t cook or clean. And I know what you are going to say. 5 kids. No excuse for that. My best friend has 4. Immaculate house and always cooking. His wife doesn’t really work. Watches a couple of kids during the day and works at a diner on Sunday mornings. Paint the mental picture. That is so not me. We are complete opposites. Do you think he is just a coward? My friends keep saying I would be miserable in 2 years of being w/ him anyway. They think way too much baggage. I am so trying to move on but I really miss him. I went back to school and I have been neglecting it. I hate having my son see me crying. He is 11. MM kids range from 3-12. I asked him why he has so many. He said they tried for the first 2. After that he can pinpoint each time she got pregnant. He finally got snipped. He said if I was ever pregnant he would not know when it happened. I guess he was trying to tell me how lacking their sex life was.
Liza, I ditto EVERYTHING Been There Says………. run. Stop making excuses, would you let a girl friend treat you that way?? Think about it, get out of the “I love him, and really THINK about ALL of it……… Would you really want to be w/ a man who can not “man up” who cheats on the woman who gave birth to his children, what about her, do you want to be the cheated on wife, right now you are the cheated on “girl friend” does it “feel good” now?? why would it ever feel good later just because you signed something “saying so”
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO grateful to be free. I know this all sounds harsh, but it is not, it is a love for a fellow sister in pain, knowing somewhat how you feel and wanting to help you get free. NO more excuses for him, for you, healthy relationships are not built on excuses, ration- LIES- ing, if onlys, they are built on love, trust, wanting the best for each other etc, WE do not have that in MM Land, only fairy tail lies.
Lots of love to you sweetie,
it will not be easy in the short run, in the big picture, please do not waste another moment of your precious self.
Hello Ladies,
I have involved w/ mm for 7 years, the only reason I agreed to get involved because he claimed he wasn’t happy, and he was only there for his 2 sons, he claim they weren’t sleeping together, that they were sleeping in separated rooms, he is wonderful, he does alot of work for me around the house, on my car, any project I put before him he can do, and his sex is great too, we get alone so well, but the situation with him and his wife just makes me sick to my stomach, he finally filed for his divorce about a year ago, when I told him I was done with him, it’s a year later now, and the divorce is still not final, they were separated she had her own place, and he has his own place, but as soon as I thought we were looking to the future her power got turn off at the apartment, and she got put out, and now she is living back with him, I can’t take this anymore, she is so depended on him, until he can never have a future with me or anyone else for that matter, I am so hurt, and when he call me, I can sometime here her in the background, I’m so tried of that so I told him not to call me until she get her own permanent residence, and the divorce is final, but even after it is final, I constantly ask myself, could I take own this responsibility of two boys, that has been with their mom and dad all their lives, I couldn’t even come close to filling those shoes, and she will always find some kind of way to interfer with our life, she know all about me I have spoke with her on several occassions, she knows that he is in love with me and everything, it’s really crazy I don’t know what kind of relationship they have, but I am trying my best to stay strong and not answer his calls, but he is the only one I have been dating for the past 5 years, I have to find something else to do on the weekend now since I have ended this affair, I love him so much, and everything people say about mm is true, most of the time they never leave their wife, do you all think that I should go on with my life, I love him and I believe he love me, he is just in a awful situation, that is a burden on me, I believe I am making the right choice, I just need some kind of in site on this, this is my first and last time getting involved w/ someone that I know is married or attached, this really makes me feel like shit.
Good Luck. I thought I made the break but I collapsed and gave in. I am still miserable. My 40th birthday was just a few days ago and I got a card in the mail,who I assume is my vindictive ex saying happy 50th sighned mm, the wife and the 5 kids. Nice, huh? Makes me soul search not to mention he the wife and 5 kids are going away for Thanksgiving. I cannot take much more, so my advice yo you is if you made the break,RUN and do not look back. They are stuck in a world of doom w/ bad decisions they have made. It is there bed they must lie in it. Unless it is a final breakup w/ the wife and you wouldn’t know for some time. Until she moves on he won’t.
Dear Ladies,
God I so understand. I have been free and so grateful. He is now just a fleeting thought here and there. Talked on the phone a couple times. Nothing has changed, except me 🙂 thank you God !!!!
Stay strong. Life is way too short to live it for crumbs.
Love ya,
Gratitude
I have sat today and read all of the strings from woman who are with MM. I am the wife of a man who I recently discovered was having an affair. I did all the research and found out where the woman lived. By this time, the affair had been going on for some time. How do I know? My husband’s actions and he completely changed. I knew the first time he had sex with the OW. It crushed me but I hoped he would come to his senses and just let it drop. Little did I know that there was an emotional attachment as I have never been with anyone outside of my marriage. Ladies don’t be fooled. Men who cheat are selfish and have no love for anyone but themselves. They don’t care that the family is hurting and that the wife can also get deeply hurt once she finds out. My husband and the OW were at her house drinking when I came to her door and told my husband to come out. The OW lied and covered for my husband saying they had a “business relationship”. I know he lied to her about me as we were engaging in lovemaking on an almost nightly basis. He would send me flowers to my job and we just basically hung out together all the time. He would use the job or working late as an excuse to go be with her for a short period of time and then come home to me and make love to me. When I confronted the OW she said it was over but it wasn’t. That is the part that reduced me almost to rubble. The two of them were so into this “magical” relationship that they did not care who was hurt in the process. After threatening my husband with divorce, he “claims” he broke it off with the OW, they are over and he has resumed his life as my husband. In the meantime, from reading these streams, I am not the only one suffering. The OW is hurt, the family is hurt, I am sure my husband has some withdrawal pains and I simply do not trust him anymore. I ask all of you, please do not get involved with MM. It is not worth the pain and heartache they will cause. This man is going on with his life but not only has he shipwrecked his family but another individual. I am not excusing what the OW did because she had the choice to just say no, but had the relationship never started, hearts would not be broken. Don’t do it! It is not worth it to anyone. Know your worth. If a man sleeps with you and won’t leave his wife, shows he does not think very much of you and is manipulative. If more woman would find their self worth, I believe infidelity would be nearly eradicated! I hope each of you finds the strength to kick those chumps to the curb and get on with your lives. Life is too short to spend it on losers!
Dear His wife,
Thank you for writing. Thank you for all that you shared. I NEVER thought I would get involved w/ a MM, never say never. Mine was emotional affair, but an affair non the less. I fell for the “she doesn’t understand me” “I am getting a divorce” “I was in process of leaving her before I met you” ETC…
I am sorry for all the pain you are going through, having been cheated on myself……… it is a deep pain. (another reason why I “never” thought I would love a MM). Anyway, again, I love your message. Thank you for your courage in posting.
Take care,
Gratitude
Dear Wife,
I also feel for you as I was once in your shoes. I do not think every woman falls into a relationship w/ a MM because of cruel intentions. Men are sometimes very persuasive, as women can also be, but it all depends on circumstances and vulnerability. I love my MM. I think he is probably in my eyes one of the most selfish people alive. He just celebrated a 40th b-day w/ me and 2 days later was one year since our first official date. But the best part is next week he is going to Myrtle Beach w/ the family for Thanksgiving and I will be sitting here alone w/ my son. I could not imagine spending it w/ anyone other than my son but I think you all know what I mean. Does he deserve to keep using everyone and proceed unscathed. He says he DOES NOT LOVE HIS WIFE and he will have no money if he leaves. How can you paying support for 5 kids. I wish I had no feelings for him. I think I fionally am reaching my breaking point. I think the wife needs to know. What opinion do you have on this matter, wife? Again, I am sorry for your pain. Are you still w/ him?
Dear Liza:
I am still with him. He begged me to take him back and of course, I did. I love him. I love the person that I know him to be when he is with me. I see he is truly remorseful but I feel so sorry for the people whose lives he has affected but will not acknowledge it. I want to talk to him about how devastating I was and how low it made me feel. I can only imagine how each of you feel upon discovering the deceit and betrayal. I felt like I was the one on the outside looking in and when I tell you it was like something surreal, believe me. I knew and he knew I knew as well as she knew I knew. Twisted little game right? Right but the two of them did not think of the victims that they would leave behind. I am still struggling to heal from the mess this disaster caused me and my family. I just pray everyday for God to heal me so I can move on and have a healthy life again. My husband is also struggling. I know he still has thoughts and feelings from the affair. .there is no way around it. No one is that coldhearted. I just believe there was an opportunity and because the OW did not say no, he seized the moment. He is going through, and confirmed to me, a mid-life crisis. Otherwise, he has been very good to me both. That is why I know he will never leave me for another woman. We have history, we have been together since 5th grade! I know he loves me but he seriously messed up and told me he regrets it to the fullest. That is why I chose to forgive him and let him come back home. The men who cheat are only looking for, as my husband put it, the thrill and the excitement of the moment. My husband said he was not at peace, felt like his life was spinning out of control and wanted out but he did not want to end the “feeling”. So you see girls, there is no future and I hate men that cheat do this to you. Break it off and start living your life! Even if it is alone. You are worth so much more. I know the devastation and hurt will make you neglect your life’s responsibilities. I know because I was so devastated that I started having thoughts of suicide. This affair caused me so much pain I now am struggling with physical problems brought on by stress. That was the most searing and excruciating pain I have been in all of my life because I felt like I had been “clowned”. Don’t do it ladies…in the end you will reap every seed that you have sown and believe me, he ain’t worth it!!
Enpower yourself.
Dear Wife,
What a sad story. I do agree w/ you to a point. If you are comfortable w/ his excuse for cheating and can live w/ it you must truly love him. I was also cheated on 10 years ago. I am sure I did not always find out about it but a lesson learned if it happened once and he panics and cannot deal what do youthink he will do? They are awfully remorseful because they get caught. Do you think his affair would’ve ended if you did not find out? Probably not. Men are takers, do not like change and what they will have to pay and lose(kids). I’m sure if you would’ve booted him out eventually he would move on. One day as I did you will hit your breaking point and realize how much you do resent and mistrust him. It’s not just the physical part it is the secrets shared about you behind your back w/ the ow. Trust me, I know.My MM has envisioned car accidents about her. Told me how she and he contemplated abortion for the 5th kid. They didn’t and of course he is crazy about his kids and claims thats why he stays but if she knew the betrayal of secrets, I do not think she would forgive. Just keep you eyes open and good luck. My heart does go out to you. Even in my situation it is painful.about the wife. How do you carry on a relationship, not just sex, and claim to love your spouse? If you did you would never cave into the temptation.
Dear Liza:
I fully understand what you are saying and when I read it back to myself, I feel and probably sound like a fool. You are right, had it not been discovered, I do not believe he would have broke it off. . if in fact he has. I don’t trust anything he says or does right now. That trust has to be won all over again. But in your case, you know he is pulling the wool over your eyes and he is causing you unsufferable pain, this I know as well as you, why do you continue in the relationship? You are right also about how can these men claim to love their spouses and then cave into temptation? Because it has absolutely nothing to do with the wife. The MM has issues that he has not resolved within himself and feels like if he goes outside of the marriage, he can find resolution to those issues. Not true. They are shallow, low individuals from the start. Lying and deception is part of their nature. I know but tolerated it because I choose to look beyond those faults and dwell on the positive aspects of my husband but those faults do not go away. They continue on this path of self destruction and tear up other lives in the process. What they are looking for, they will never find and you, my dear, sadly enough cannot provide it to them. That is why MM will not leave their wives. There is security in the marriage. Don’t care what she looks like, how abusive he claims she is, how many children he cannot bear to leave, etc., believe me he is not going to leave what they have worked so hard to build up together. There is no foundation with the OW. If I were you, I would not tell his wife. She probably knows or will find out eventually because what is done in the dark comes to light. She probably is like me, hopes that one day the MM will come to his senses and leave the OW alone and eventually this will happen. Get out and spare yourself a lot of misery and heartache. Besides if he leaves his wife for you, he will eventually do the same thing to you.
I am trying to spare myself the misery and heartache but I’m sure it will be alot easier for me to move on rather than trying to tame a cheating husband. Some good insight a friend of mine gave to me. She said sometimes two people fall in love. It is not always right or can be helped but it is how you conduct yourself and how you enlighten the spouses in a proper manner. Listen, I am not trying to debate or make you defensive, I do feel sorry about your situation. Obviously you do not have the strength to move on either. What makes your marriage so special that your husband is having withdrawls. It is about the security of his wallet. Remember that. My MM doesn’t even own a house w’ her. He makes a great living but has to support 7 people. I absolutely think there are no guarantees. He could rightfully do the same thing to me if he chooses to leave. I am trying to give advice about my x husband. I finally had the strength to stop being his mommy(the security) and like I said when you hit your breaking point one day yoy will see that your husband is not only not worthy of you or the OW who loved him. He deserves shallow meaningless relationships. And she will realize that if he doesn’t stand up ,face the music and be truthful to himself he will live his life having to have affairs to cope living w/ the wife. It is only security not respect commitment and love.
Wife, Once again I read your last posting and it was very enlightening. I am much stronger now, than 2 months ago. Call it a taffy pull what I am doing. Gradually pulling away because of the deceit. I do love him but there are so many callenges ahead if he did leave. Getting back to the point of your last post. You stated for me to spare myself of misery and heartache. You are correct but I think you need to point that high powered perception in your own direction. Your guts will twist every day. I know where my situation lies right now but you do not trust him or even know if he is still seeing her. How long was their affair? How in depth? If more than sex I bet he cooled it off for a bit until he can get a grip and sort things out. Get the best of his both worlds back. Please, I enjoy your blogs. I am not the enemy. I was manipulated and like yourself do not have the courage to step away right now. So is that love?
Liza:
You are not the enemy. Just blowing off some much needed steam. My apologies to you if you took anything as directed to you. I really see where you are coming from because I know it is true. Any day he could start the affair back up and I promise you, if this does happen. . .I will have the strength and courage to leave him. Couldn’t possibly hurt as bad as discovering he is indulging in “the best of both worlds”. Like I said I hope you find the strength to leave this man. I only want to encourage you. In a marriage, wives have a tendency to fight harder to keep their “security” alive also but you are not married to him and can walk away even though I know it will be painful. I think we are kindred in that we are both in situations with men that truly do not deserve either of us.
Wow, what an amazing dialog you two are having. The insight that gets shared back and forth and how the rest of us get to witness and hold this space in love for you both. Courageous ladies……… now, to just carry it out with men 🙂
First what we need to realize is that the vow of marriage is sacred. Once it (the vow) is broken , the marriage is tainted. The spouse did not hold up to their commitment. He decided to looke elsewhere, where myself and most of these women from this site have found one another. We believe the other man has found love in us, but I think sometimes they may feel guilt to leave their spouses, children and “SECURITY”. Like I said earlier, 2 people cannot be at fault for falling in love. I realize you want to fight for your family, but once the trust is gone, where does that leave you. We have pretty much gone into this w/ our eyes wide open. The MM does not know how to disembark from the “shipwreck” he created at home. I told you I was a cheated on spouse, and now I realize you have to totally take care of your man because once it is gone and he strays, most likely he will never be inly yours to have. He has moved on. It is only “The Security” NOT YOU “he is embracing. It’s what he has to lose. I’m sorry.Men hate change, plain and simple. That is the ow strife.
I can see and relate and understand some points but the destruction in the marriage is not because the OW could not say no to the MM. In most affairs the men per sue the OW letting them know they are divorced, separated yadda yadda. Mid life crisis? Hum. Sounds like a bunch of malarkey to me. Im not trying to be a witch here WIFE because Your right they will stay married ( security reasons ) but don’t come on here and deny true feelings that these MM brought on. I believe MM have some other under lying problem in their marriages for them to stray. And they have affairs. they fall in love with another woman and become emotionally attached. I think both husband and wife need to find out what that was that caused the marriage to fall apart. It was not the affair. If you blame some mid life crises or ignore things that made him stray. He will pretty much go for it again when given a chance if you dont.
This man will never change! He stays married because security. He stays with us because of intimacy. What ever! He knows how to work both the wife and the other woman. He is a bastard flat out. She can find reasons to stay married to a man like that but you don’t need or deserve a man who can flat out treat woman with so much disrespect. Cheating MM are controlling manipulators. Wife hangs on to hope he will change. Sound familiar? They tell us and promise us they will leave and hope what he says is true. Wonder what on earth makes a wife think that the husband will bounce back to what he had before?
Exactly. I couldn’t sum it up any better. The wife is closer because she is living w/ the Demon but aside from just living w/ her who does he confide in? He is AFRAID TO LET GO OF THE SECURITY AND WHAT HE WILL HAVE TO PAY. He is never going back after taking a bite of the forbidden fruit.
Ladies:
Demon he is and I cannot agree with what you all said any better. But does what you are doing make any of the situations better? I can deal with my husband. .I know he is a liar and a cheat but what hurt me was that the OW knew he and I were together and by the way, most men lie about what is wrong in their marriage anyway so what is the point, they are who they are and it is what it is, but we were very happy. If you know the history of cheaters, the marriage could be very happy and very intact. If they have unresolved issues or are very arrogant (as is my husband) any attention from the opposite sex is acted upon. I know my husband is not honest with me but I also believe in my marriage. True, marriage is sacred and I believe that even if he stepped out. Believe me, God will deal with him accordingly. And I believe God will deal with him in so far as leading the OW into an affair regardless of who started it. He is the one who is married, not her. Again, thank you ladies for just letting me blow some steam. You don’t know how much you are helping me because I am getting some much needed questions answered. I just am sorry for your pain and frustration that dogs like my husband cause you in your life by their lies and deception.
Wife said: the OW knew he and I were together. Some how your husband gave her the idea you and he were not perfect. The marraige had problems. Your husband had to of led her on. I found out after 4 months of dating my boyfriend was a married man when his wife called. My story is above somewhere if your interested. Im done and over with my married man. MM, they lead the girls on by lies yes. And he is usually holdind us and kissing us to make us believe in what he is telling us. Making it intimate. Wife said: most men lie about what is wrong in their marriage anyway so what is the point, they are who they are and it is what it is. I see that you are still hurt and seem to think if the girl would of stepped away from your husband he would not of cheated. I doubt that very highly. I think you know he is a cheater and need to find a reason to point a finger in another direction to move on and forgive him. I dont agree with anyone staying with a MM. I think they all will forever cheat. They will continue to cheat on the wife. If he leaves wife to marry the OW I still think he will cheat on the OW as well. Its who he is now. This site is one of women trying to figure out why MM lead them on and are trying to move forward. Liza and the OW are starting to see a bit of it. I have had no contact with my MM going on 12 months in Jan. There are some things I recieve from him to know tht he is still thinking of me. I dont think he ever will stop thinking about me. I dont think of him much anymore. Not like how I used to. He is not the man I fell in love with. His true self if I knew and realized the truth is not the kind of man I would of fell in love with. You said something about if we knew the history of cheaters. Hope you listen to whatever it is you had to read up on about your husband. Most OW dont know they are cheaters. We know them as a love of our lives. There is a chemistry and a bond that I had and most OW have with MM. Like you had when you first married him. We believe in every touch, every kiss and in every conversation and affection they give us. So when they tell us ( when most find out about W) that its over we are so head over heels that we believe them. They make us believe them. Just like they make you believe they will change. Your marriage sounds like it sucks. Again im glad I never married or stayed with mine. Can I ask you, how many times you caught him cheating? And what was it he said that made you stay married? What is it that made you want to stay in a marriage like that? Is it love? Or because he gives you a house, car, vacation things like that. I encourage most women on here to leave because these men are not worth it. But why is your husband worth it to you? Why do you think the love is still there? Do you think he will do it again with a different girl? What is he doing to help fix what he did to you? And what is it that is different he is doing now compaired to the first time you found out? This will help us OW with the real side of “Your Husband”. Sorry to say who you can keep by the way.
One more thing. Like Gratitude said. Take it to the men. Tell the men what your feeling. Wife and the OW will never agree. They will both point fingers at each other when its him controlling his puppets. He is the one to point the finger at. Hope its the middle one. MM they dont come out and say. Oh did I tell you im married ok well now you know goodbye nice knowing you. They dont want to say goodbye to us. They dont untill you say divorce. Sometimes they still dont leave the OW. The words he says and how he tells us makes us think he wants us. This is why your OW did not leave. Even after she knew about you. He wouldnt let her leave. My MM did some pretty wacko things to get me back and believe him.
im so glad to have found this site, as you can see by myname im trying to get as much courage as possible to leave my MM.
ive been with my MM going on 3yrs in april, ofcourse my story is so similar to alot on here only that i had a baby from my MM, and we made plans to move in together to prove to me that he is no longer with his wife when we foundout i was preg. and now our baby is going on 3 months and ofcourse were still not living together , due to him not getting having his money situated ,it being hard because he’s helping his mom with bills,due to past broken lease that he was to clear out, wanta to make sure we will be financially secure before because he does not want to be struggling like he did with her and yadayadayada. his wife has found out about me before and always acted like she knew nothing what was going on and ofcourse always beleived him no matter what i said, even when he use to call her infront of me to prove to me , he use to tell her like “theresnothi no more between us etc etc , then she would call me and be like “whats going on, heis now telling me that he didntmeanit he will explainlater” and well basically he always found a way to make me beleive him and stay with him, and now he is saying that for sure jan he will be clear of the debt of broken leases and we will move in together because he wasnt to be wih me andour son and he is tired of being like this already so spart ,but he worries about how he is going to help his mom and he was thinking of us getting a 3 bedroom and his mom could stay with us, i clearly know all this is BS, but somehow i get that little hope that maybe…… so here i am waiting like ive been doing and i know it will just keep going . my MM has two sons with his wife , a 3year and a 15 month old, yes he did have another baby withher while we were together and his excuse was that he was stupid. he tells me that he is not having sex with her anymore and he tells me that i should know this by the passion we have when were making love that he is not being with noone else. he tells me that heknow now he canot be without me and wants to make a life with me because he feels like he can be himself with me and he is never going to live mne and things are going to get better soon. i love him so much but i know i have to leave and i have tried so many times but little by little im getting stronger. what makes it harder now though is that he tells me not leave him , and dont i want to ake it work for our son. but i have to keep telling myself i have to because we will get nowhere with him being a MM.
Let me tell you something if I may.Why in Gods name would you stay with your MM after he got his wife pr.egnant again while you were supposed to be in love. I think if that were me, I would never get over it.It sounds as desperate as Wife from this blog. You sound like you cannot go on w/out this man and tied yourself to him forever by having his son. What does his mother think about all of this. What does she say about her new grandson. Please tell me she has met he and you. I still am w/ my MM but i am getting the strength. He went to Myrtle Beach this weekend for a baseball tournament w/ the wife and kids. His son was in it. Then I think to myself I should be there. Regardless of being together w/ the wife or me, she would be there watching her son, right? Now, once again, here comes Christmas. I wish she would just find out already. He is a coward, a liar and kharma will follow him and catch up to him one day. The mistake I made was falling for him and chasing the dream. It has made me very sad. I do love him, believe he loves me, but he holds all the cards and control of this relationship and I promise things are going to take a turn very soon. Good luck getting away, but you are attached w/ your son forever. If he hasn’t left his wife and 2 other sons by now, after having his baby, I will be very surprised if he does. But who knows. Is the wife aware of his new child.
Let me tell you something if I may.Why in Gods name would you stay with your MM after he got his wife pregnant again while you were supposed to be in love. I think if that were me, I would never get over it.It sounds as desperate as Wife from this blog. You sound like you cannot go on w/out this man and tied yourself to him forever by having his son. What does his mother think about all of this. What does she say about her new grandson. Please tell me she has met he and you. I still am w/ my MM but i am getting the strength. He went to Myrtle Beach this weekend for a baseball tournament w/ the wife and kids. His son was in it. Then I think to myself I should be there. Regardless of being together w/ the wife or me, she would be there watching her son, right? Now, once again, here comes Christmas. I wish she would just find out already. He is a coward, a liar and kharma will follow him and catch up to him one day. The mistake I made was falling for him and chasing the dream. It has made me very sad. I do love him, believe he loves me, but he holds all the cards and control of this relationship and I promise things are going to take a turn very soon. Good luck getting away, but you are attached w/ your son forever. If he hasn’t left his wife and 2 other sons by now, after having his baby, I will be very surprised if he does. Is the wife aware of his new child.
Hello everyone, I have good news to share my MM has started the divorce procedures, now before any haters out there who might not be happy for me start telling me he is just lying well he is not I did my homework. Anyway He will be coming back to me soon. The thing that I realized is that if you really love him and if he really loves you ( and you can tell if he does or not) give him space, he will realize who you are, and if he dosen’t then he is not the one for you. Things always happen for a reason we might not understand it at the time, but just remember your prince charming might be out there while you are wasting your tears on someone who won’t even cry one for you. Love is a tricky thing and unless you love yourself first how can we love anyone else? When the Goddess feals that you are ready the right man will come along. There is hope, hope and love is what keeps the world turning. Blessings to all and may the Goddess shine the light to find your way home.
Why would you want him after he dumps his wife? He is going to do the same thing to you!!!! That Prince is going to turn into a frog!!
kitty awe, I wouldn’t call anyone on here haters. They have a lot of hurt. That is kinda harsh. You post they will write back. This site is to find some sort of answers to the many questions these girls have. Most of the women on this site hurt from this painful love. This site is for woman trying to leave or have left MM. I do not recall reading about your married man? Did you share that with us? Maybe you can refresh us on how long the two of you have been together, how it started. Did you know he was married? Did he make promises and keep them? Sounds like he left you for a bit. How long was that for? How come he left? How did you find out he is getting a divorce? I have had not contact with my MM for almost a year. He just tried to contact me a few days ago. How do I feel about that. I don’t. I don’t feel a thing. He try’s every other month. I moved on with my life. First 3 months were terrible. As I said before for my reasons. I see him now as who he really is and what or relationship really was.And how he has manipulated his wife and me. He was very adoring and loving to me but not sure how real that was if he was keeping me a secret from his wife. And keeping his real relationship as a husband from me. My older sister married her MM. She was married too at the time. The difference in her MM and mine was the fact he and she both were open and honest about their relationship with family, parents, kids and friends. It was never a secret. They had ups and downs with kids not liking it right off. My sister and her MM have been married 5 yrs now. They divorced their ex’s in their first year of dating. 6 months after the divorce they moved out of state with kids in tow and as I said have been married for 5 yrs now. I have to say the difference was huge with her MM and mine. They knew that the other was married. I had no clue my MM was married. They moved out of the house with the ex’s as soon as they fell in love. Mine bought his wife a bigger house when she found out about me. Keeping that a secret from me. Blah blah blah my story is somewhere above under Tina. Well let us know a bit more about your MM kitty.
I am at my wits end. I am going through a nasty separation/divorce and I wish my mm would have the balls to step up already. How do I ask him w/out giving an ultimatum to leave. How can he live this way. It sucks to have to sneak around and lie. That is disgusting pressure. So, they do it because it is that bad w/ the wife because honestly, cheating,and lying takes much effort. I love him and do not have the strength as of now to sever the tie. How do I rationalize w/ him?
Liza,
Sounds like your dealing with lots right now. Maybe you should re direct all your entire attention to you and what you have to go through right now. Just for a momment do something for you and not because of him. just accomplish one thing with out him. I can understand why you want and need him to leave his wife as well but dealing with the rejection if he can’t will add more stress to you. Slow things down a bit. Take one thing at a time. Hope that one thing is for you. Deal with one thing at a time. If he truly loves you then things will turn out in your favor. Do what you have to do. But don’t do it because of him. How is your son doing? How are things with school? See you have so much going on in your life. Maybe if he can see you as indepent and strong about yourself he will have one more thing to admire about you. I really want to say run from him but it is what it is and right now your not ready. I do pray you will be soon. Until then I will hope for the best for you.
I keep asking him (MM) for advice and he does usually end up figuring exactly what my husband is going to do. My son is doing great. He started at prep school and is doing fine. He is super loving and excited about the holidays. I just e- mailed my guy several times and he opens them and sometimes doesn’t respond. Pisses me off. I think he is sometimes so abrasive because he hasn’t been in a loving relationship. I am very affectionate and am trying to bring it out in him. I am sure he is w/ his 5 kids but that is differnt love. He is totally on the go w/ all of them in at least one sports acivity. It is constant and think he doesn’t know how it would work for them if he was not living there, they range from 31/2 to 13. When we are together it is great, it is sometimes getting things together for us. He was away for the holiday for a baseball tourn so I have not seen him in 12 days. Totally ridiculous. Plus he didn’t call me when he was gone. I asked him if he went out when he was away and he said one night w/ other coaches. If that was me w/ him, I would have hired a babysitter for at least 1 night to spend quality alone time so we can be adults, friends and lovers. When the wife finds out how will she live w/ the fact he had a separate life. Me personally, dealt w/ a cheating husband but not to that extent. would’ve split long ago. Wish I would’v anyway. I don’t think I ever got over it and it was nothing like my relationship w/ my MM. How does a wife go one staying. It is a Huge Lie. Dissolved all the trust and it doesn’t come back, neither does the passion.
Hi Been There I did share my story earlier is around the middle of this page and yes he left for a while because he was trying to work things out at my request. Now I am not calling everybody haters, Just people like the one that posted a comment before you. This person claims that my MM will turn into a frog and will do the same to me . I do understand people mostly women who share their stories here are full of pain, I was one of them. I did stop talking to him for months and I was the one who called him. During our separation we both realized we were made for each other and how much we needed each other. I told him we could move on like we were never apart,but he had to divorce her ,not just leave her. She stop loving him a long time ago. I know her personally and know what a horrible woman she is. He tried everything to make her happy, nothing worked because since he came back from the war he had more confidence in himself. She is an abusive person, many of us don’t think that abused husbands exist, well they do and until he met me she had total control. I knew the signs all too well for I was an abused wife for six years,until I left before he killed me. Our affair was no secret his family knew ,she knew but decided to play the victim role when she saw he compltely adored me. Now nine months later he has filed for divorce at her request, she thought that he wouldn’t want to agree to it because of the kids. She uses their children against him, she never took care of them he always did, I know because I was there with them even they loved been with me and told me that their mom was jelous of me because they liked me. He was hurt and in the hospital and when he came home he had to cook and clean. Later he had surgery he could not walk, so his older son had to cook dinner because she was too busy in the computer. She is a person who loves to blame others and take zero responsability for her own actions and at the end she threw away the chance he had given her. I will never give up on him because I love him and he loves me too. I never ment to offend any of you guys, he is a good man and he would have stayed and taken the abuse if I wouldnt have showed him that he or anyone under this situation deserves better. It is not happily ever after yet the worst is yet to come but I will be here to love him and give him the support he needs. There is so much to do yet and so much he will have to go through still, like getting rid of all the emotional scars. This is my story and my MM’s I am able to understand him and vice versa because he is me seven years ago.
His wife sounds like a winner. I did read your story above. He moved out of town to try and work things out with his wife. Said he would divorce in Sept? Sounds like he did what he said he would do. So how long has it been since the paper work has been filed. Sorry to ask again but what was the prof he filed that you researched? Or something you said was prof? Im not sure who would stay with a wife like that. She sounds pretty ungreatful. My MM had an awesome wife. She kept busy with the house hold and she worked and she took all the kids to there sports games etc. I never did understand why he would cheat on her. She was a beautiful christian woman, very pretty. Never understood why he would hurt her? Anyways. From your last post sounds like your MM did what he said he was going to do. BUT. If he stays and says one more time or gives another reason he is staying with wife. You need to see that he knows if he calls you Baby your right back to how he likes things. Keep us posted. Let all of us know how you found out about the divorce. That is interesting. My MM was suppose to divorce from last I heard he moved out of state with the older boys and she is still here. So I like to see if they did divorce or not. Just curiouse.
One of my friends works for the goverment and called in a favor, she wasn’t buying it either that he had finally done it that’s how I found out it was true. An uncontested divorce can be settled in two weeks which he is not fighting anything not even the kids, but they are trying to sell the house here and until that’s done nothing can be finalized. As you can guess I am helping him to sell the house ASAP. She told him I was not allowed to live in her house and play house with him. You are right, Been There, she is a pain in the ass! I have personally gotten a taste of her poison she wrote to me(e-mails) pretending to be him saying horrible things and that’s how I stopped talking to him for months. He called to explain it wasn’t him who had written all those things but I was really hurt and didn’t want to listen. The paperwork has been filed for two weeks but because of the house he can’t come back yet. He calls me and we write to each other on a “Secure” email address hopefully by the end of this year he will be here with me. I don’t know how long she is going to hold on to the house thing but I know she is just doing it to make it difficult for him to leave.
Oh I forgot to tell you he did not move to try to work things out, he moved so we could be together away from her. But she ended up moving before I did and promised to change. So I told him to do it, to give her another chance, and he did. My guilt from been on both sides of the fence made me say a lot of stupid things to drive him away to convince him and myself that she really could change. But like I told you she never did. When I was not around and he could not talk to me he missed me, and was able to tell how different she and I really were. He told me I spoiled him I showed him what it was to be loved. Now my ex-husband was a bastard and cheated on me because he could, because I allowed him to do it again. It’s all about convinience with me he had a maid and a nanny without costing him a penny. I believed he never loved me, he said I was disgusting and he could not sleep with me. I would always tell him to leave but he would promise he would not do it again but he always did. Some man stay out of convinience more than anything else, have you heard the saying “it is cheaper to keep her”? I know everybody’s situation is different and to tell anyone that if you do it this way it’s going to work, is not right. When I said give him space it was because if they know you are always there they take you for granted. There’s another saying ” If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you it belongs to you, and if it doesn’t it never did” . I was forced more than anything else to let him go but I did and he did come back to me. That’s why I said things happen for a reason at the time I could not understand why if we loved each other so much where we were so miserable, but then I realized if love and happiness were so easily achieved they would’t taste as sweet when we do.
How is the selling of the house going Kitty?
I don’t know I have not heard from him in almost a week. Maybe I was wrong to trust him or anyone, it has been happening alot lately. With my luck she probably convinced him again that she has changed or worse she actually changed. Only God knows what’s going on now.
Kitty,
I am so sorry. Gosh I am not sure what to say. I can relate with you. My MM used to do so many out landish things to make it seem as if they were getting a divorce. He proposed to me with a diamond ring at my work. Had my co workers in on it. Who at that time had no clue I was dating. They were shocked. Then he surprised me one night and took me for this long drive to show me a house and said it was ours. He was putting in new cabinets and we painted the kitchen together. Only to find from his wife that was there old house and they just bought a bigger home with a lake and a pool. Then the last draw was when he moved out of state and had me come to see that he had a new job there and wanted me to come live with him there. Only to find out from his wife again that he took an early retirement plan ( automotive company ) then just for extra cash took on a temp job in this other state. And told her that he was showing her he was over me and wanted to see if he could get a full time job there in that new state away from me. So in my two years he tried to tell me it was all her and she wouldn’t change. That I was his soul mate. How he just wanted to be with me. How I make him feel so alive, happy yadda yadda. But there was always a reason, the kids, he was waiting to see if she would change, he wanted her to file first, he is a Christian and the pastor gave a sermon that made him feel guilty. Hurting his family. These are a few reason he couldn’t call me or be with me when she find out about us again. Then he come up with reasons why he could be with me again. Proof he was divorcing. He even had his oldest son come spend a weekend with us kayaking and amusement parks as proof one time. He even had his dad who is a pastor of a church call me and he told me that he never seen his son so happy when he is with me. His dad even would call to see how im doing and that he ( his dad) loved me and would pray with me. The bottom line is. They will do and say anything to get us to stay. They do and say anything to make the wife stay. She once told me that her husband was in love with me. Then the last time she told me he told her all about our sex where, how, that did it for me. If he loved you. He wouldn’t make you wait. He wouldn’t put you in some mind game plan that is temporally covering the issu for the moment until he comes up with another plan. But that kitty is just what happened to me. Not sure what is going to happen in your case. I to had so much faith and would not date for almost 16 months. I believed in love. Then I did date once when he left me after she found out about the house thing. but he ended up using this guy against me.He had just bought his wife a bigger house for them to live in and totally lied to me and got my hopes up very high that this house was ours. Why wouldn’t I date if he left to go back to her yet again for the 100th time? So not fare. He can boink his wife when ever and I had tried to re start my life over. It is not fare the things we have to do for them. Wait and waste or life and time for nothing. Try to look at the “real” picture. Not what he tells you. Look at the actions. The real actions. If its true love. They would not be waiting for someone else to change so they can be with them. If he is so in love, why is he waiting for someone else? And why is he giving her the benefit of the doubt and staying and waiting patiently for her and giving her all his attention, helping her with bills etc. That is real that is what I had to see and realize. Think about when ever she finds out or when he leaves you for her. He leaves, we hurt and are in great pain. yet they rather be there with her his wife and comfort the wife. MM only tell us a lie to have us hold on and wait. We get a call after a few days of not getting one word from them and that for some god for saken reason reassures us. What the hell! We do! We get one call our heart is so over joyed we wait for them.We freaken wait. Yet there he is having make up sex and being a husband buying and doing things for her forgiveness dotting over her, yet we full on believe because he calls us and says give me a few weeks she is ( insert some lie here ) then I will be back with you. Only a call. that’s all we get. Look at everything ! Look at the big picture. I finaly seen that this is a form of abuse. They do love us. But its just like being with an abusive husband. Its mental abuse he is doing it to his wife. Promising her he will change and he is doing the same thing to us. I seen that and I am so thankful I realized that. I would never marry someone who cheated on me ( oh and his is) who lied to me, who manipulated me, who when I was sad and down because of him rather comfort another. I will never allow myself to be treated like that again. His loving words his making love his always seemed to say the perfect things to me, so called being my best friend. No. No no no. True love would never never have to hide lie manipulate or hurt me like that. I will never have love like that. That is not love. Its not.
I am so grateful for this site. Mine ended in June, happy to say. The big question, and the only question that could truly be answered, why did I get involved with a married man….. who we know,know the perfect sweet talk, the perfect everything, it is so easy to focus on what they do, dont do, say, do not follow through with. I believe that is part of the hook, the juice, like “been There” said, all that “stuff” they say……. look at the reality, and if we don’t That is on us. We made the choice, we got involved, we knew better, for me, staying in the “why didn’t he” leaves me in a victim mode, I choose to learn, move on, be grateful for the lessons and leave his stuff to him. No one held a gun to my head to be with him. I must say, it felt like a stab in the heart ending it, could not breathe, but the pain does grow less over time. I still chat here and there with him, told him about my shameless flirting with young Italian men while in Rome, yes, it was a jab. But I knew it 🙂 Ladies, take your eyes off them, ask yourself the hard questions……. Love to you all
I agree gratitude. When I was finally able to look at my relationship with my MM for what it really was is when I was able to walk away. I heard the truth from his wife. She told me everything (the lies) he had told her. When I heard the TRUTH from her. Things he promised her and did for her. Things made more sense to me. Everything he did and said and all his reasons came together and made sense when she told me about everything. I was able to hear both sides of the story. I didn’t want to deal with him anymore. Yes it hurt and your left with so many questions. Questions that would never be answered with truth by him anyway’s. I am like you Gratitude. I feel better about my life now that im away from him. You get to chose who you date and who you want to spend your life with.The pain your in now. If you choose to stay in it that is how it will always feel and always will be. There will never be trust. There will always be concern and he will always know he can treat you like crap and you will still come running to him when he calls. That is so beneath me now. I would never pick a man like that for me. I will never again be with that type of man. They make you think that your so close, soul mates, meant to be together. It’s all a sick sad game played by him. Someone who you trust and adore.
Was seeing MM since May, found out end of Oct that W is pregnant w/2nd child. When I got involved w/him I thought he was separated. Then found out he was still married end of June and stopped seeing him. Think that’s when W became pregnant again. Lovely. I started seeing him again end of Aug (my story’s in the middle of the page somewhere) and thought he was really a righteous man & our connection was surely stronger than his failing marriage. Had a feeling/fear that his wife would get pregnant. He knew for months after I started seeing him again and didn’t tell me. Sadly, I was sexually intoxicated by him so didn’t stop seeing him altogether – rationalized I’d just have to “get him out of my system” by being sexual with him. Gratefully I never slept with him. I’m realizing now that his baby’s due in a couple of months that he’s really a poor candidate for a boyfriend, much less a husband…he’s a game player and once I detach from him he tries to flirt with other MW and such in front of me….rather than fire up a jealousy in me, this just disgusts me and makes me want to throw in the towel. I am so much better than this & am done.
Just wanted to check back in with you ladies. Concerned how you all were doing. I am in the process of a divorce. You all told me he would do it again, and he did. I am so done. Whatever he is looking for out there, I cannot provide it so he needs to be free to pursue it. Thanks for the insight. Would not have had the courage to divorce this slug without the insight and courage you ladies displayed. I have decided that it is better to live in a one bedroom apartment with my little stuff and give up all the “security” he provided to me in exchange for piece of mind and happiness!! I have not looked back since I filed my papers. You all will one day get enough and walk away. Take it from me. . .it is better. Stay strong ladies and thanks again.
Hello Ladies,
It’s been a while since I’ve written. So many things have happened. My last comments were in July. I had left my MM and for a month we had no contact. When my son passed away a month later, the MM came back into my life. I think he honestly wanted to bring me comfort. A month later, I became intimate with him eventhough the trust was gone. I’m certain part of it was because I was looking for comfort. Now it’s been months since we’ve been semi seeing each other. We rarely see each other since he always has an excuse for being unable to see me on weekends. 2 weeks ago, I gave up again and emailed him to come back after he’s separated because I don’t want to date a married man. I haven’t heard a word from him.
What do you women think? If he does finally separate, would you trust him to be faithful to you? I wonder if he’ll just move on to another woman instead of separating from his family. That would confirm what I suspected all of these MM want……………………just a honey on the side for fun. That’s so disheartening. We shall see.
Osprey
His Wife,
Your a very strong woman! You gave it your all. Thats the thing with MM. They use and manipulate so much they forget what they have in the first place. It’s been 1 yr this month for me I have had no contact with MM. I have gotten angry at myself for believing in someone like that. I get things here and there that he is letting me know he thought of me. I can careless. I do not see these type of cowards as men. Im sorry you have to struggle. You do not deserve that at all. I am glad your eyes are open and you see him as he is. Like we see him. Well some of us. I hope you take him for everything. You had a right to fight for him and see if you could get him to stop using girls. Back to the man you fell in love with. I think maybe that man is gone. What happend this time? Did you see a counselor for help? If you dont want to talk about I understand. I am sorry your hurting.
Oh on a good note. I have been seeing a real great guy. Its been a month and we have not had sex yet. Just had some awesome times. Im sure the sex will come in when we are ready. Well, when im ready. Im still scared to be hurt again. Im fighting that everyday. That is a part of me that I can not lose to the MM still. He took a chunk of my heart and a bit of my soul. I am fighting for it back. Im not going to give it to him.
Hey, Newly out of OWhood for good as of 1/19! Woo Hoo!
I am feeling a lot better mood-wise.My energy level hasn’t come back yet, and the things taht I let slide while I was OW I will start taking care of tomorrow.
Today, I stayed in bed, talked to friends, wrote and came h ere.
HisWife–
I think it’s better to have the peice of mind– taht is real security, I think.
Otterwoman
No, Been There. Did not go for counseling. I just realized that I am too valuable to let him continue to use me and as you said, manipulate me any further. He is still trying so hard to get me back but I am done. It does hurt, but that too shall pass. I now realize that I emotionally divorced him long time ago and just needed to wait for my body to catch up which is what has happened. That is mental abuse when you let a man cause you so much stress and heartache. We have a daughter that needs me, especially now and I need me. His bottom has fell out but he still does not realize it. I am not trying to hurt him. . .he has done plenty of that himself. I love me too much to let this game continue. I tried, he abused and disrespected our relationship. I am not his mother and like I told him, I want him to be free to do whatever it is that he feels he needs to do. No more sneaking, lying, manipulating. . .just go do you. Now he does not know what to do. I am sure he will figure it out. There are plenty of unsuspecting women out there that he will again manipulate. I just take one day at a time and continue to press forward. Proud of all you ladies!!
I do have to say kudos to you for standing up to him and moving on. Loving someone who constantly decieves and manipulates tears ones heart out. I stil am w/ MM. The holidays once again were torture. I guess between X-mas & New Years I recieved an e-mail from him saying he cannot live like he does anymore, he cannot stand his wife and he was going to a lawyer the next day to see how much support, etc., pension visitation and so on. Well, when we were back together the day after New Years, I wasn’t pushy, I figured I would let him bring it up, he started letting it all out. He did go to an attorney. He said he could live w/ the support and pension part but he wants his kids more than every other weekend and every Wednesday. If it was only her it would not even be a question, he would leave in an instant. I told him eventually things would settle. He also said he would want to leave before she ever found out about us because she(the wife) would let the children know and he doesn’t want his children thinking I am the cause for him leaving. He left his wife way before he met me, emotionally detached a long time ago. I do not know how long it will take. Then he was asking me what if we are sick of each other and I do not want to be w/ him in a few months? Is he that insecure? How do I respond? My thoughts are if it did not work out between us at least he is out of an unhappy marriage. I will support him, want to be w/ him, but he must do it on his own. He also said they are roomates raising kids together. Hopefully he can talk to her and tell her he wants to separate because he has not been happy for a long time. He has said countless times especially lately that “No I do not love her”. He needs to be fair to all of us including himself.
Liza, Im am wondering what if any changes happend after the “lawyer” visist from your MM?
Hi Guys,
Well I don’t know how much I can contribute to this particular post, because I have never been in this situation before. But I have been through some breakups so I can kind of relate.
While I know that breakups really suck, I think that they are a really great time to rediscover who you are.
They hurt and there are a lot of emotions up in the air, but in this situation where you are the other woman or man .. Well looking from the outside in … it looks like this could have possibly been the best thing for you.
While being in that type of relationship may be exciting, I don’t know if you can truly be happy knowing that you don’t have your man or woman’s full undivided attention and knowing that you are the one and only person they love like that.
If I was in that situation, the more I spent with that person and the more I would start to develop feelings for them, the more it would kill my spirit knowing that I could never have what I truly wanted and needed from them.
I guess sometimes life just throws these things in our direction and we are on most occasions left standing in the rain trying to figure out what to do.
But if it comes to a breakup from one of these situations, well after all the sadness and grief I would be celebrating at the fact that I would finally get to attract a relationship into my life that I truly deserved.
All the best guys and girls
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
I love a married man who had another woman and possibly was on the down low. I found numerous ads he had on gay mens’ sight. In all truthfullness, I did break up with him, because I did not want to be one among a cast of many. The situation is complicated, you may want to read my blog.
Hi Ladies,
I guess all of us basically have the same story. Right now, I’m in the process of healing. I’ve been dating my MM for about six months. Initially I declined his proposals, maybe for about a couple of months. I always expressed to him my fear of becoming emotionally attached and my morals. At this time I hadn’t been dating, I was lonely and maybe vunerable.
Anyway, I started dating him. The chemistry was so intense and it felt good. We were so natural together. We knew that we were falling for one another. We talked about it and we knew it wasn’t right, but we had become emotionally attached. This situation, I knew was not beneficial to me. I’ve tried on many occassions to bring closure to our relationship, which had become difficult to do as time went on.
My love was growing with every moment we spent together. Not Good! I struggled and stuggled with my emotions and my morals. I finally ended it. I sent him an email telling him that it was time to end our relationship. I also told him that it had to be with no contact of any sort.
It will be two weeks tomorrow, Friday 2/15/08. It’s is so…. hard, I think about him everyday, my heart longs for what we shared. I know that time heals. It is a struggle. I texted him this week to so hi. I needed that. He said hi back, and I was ok. He text me on Valentine’s Day, and I text him back. That has been the only contact. I don’t intend on communicating with him anymore. I will be glad when the day comes when he’s not absorbing my heart anymore.
I’m glad I stumbled across this site. It’s really good to vent and share your feelings amongst women who have been there and understands.
hello,i am going thru,this pain of a married man ,my is a long story ,i be came a widow,i start it going out to clubs ,,,when i meet him ,when he told me he was married i said no way ,he keept trying ,and when i saw he stay out so late ,all ways ,some how we start it going out ,he treat it me like aqueen ,i told him from the first time i meet him ,i will never ecxcept him as a married man .he knews to sleep 2 or 3 times a week my place ,iand i did not want my kids to find out ,i felt sick ,if they knew about it,i tryed to live him many times ,on and of ,my problem is ,when i say i live him ,he came in front of ny house ,so if some one came ,they will know ,he knoew i hate it ,so i go talk to him to keep him quite ,,,i dont hate him ,but i know in my heart if i dont see him ,i will go on ,,,but when he cames i go talk to him ,,,,they only way i might stop him ,i have to go to the police ,,but then again i am sceared he might do some thing bad to me or my famly ,,,and i dont want to make problems for any one ,so i am suffering a lot ,my heart very sad,,,,with him or with out him ,i feel killing my self some time ,i dont know what can i do ,i faced his wife 3 times ,,,she dont say one word ,he said she knows,i tell him ,respect your wife ,be a man ,,i dont want him to live her ,,,i tell him i understand family came first ,,,i dont want to be blamed for ,,,,i know i can go on ,,,but he follow me every where i go ,he hides ,to see where i go ,,i can keep going ,i am very tierd of this life ,for one mistek i made …he knews to take me every where ,every one knew on his side ,i think he is angry if i live him ,,,that no one of my family knows ,and his side they know ,,,,i feel i am going crazy ,,,,i have no one to talk to about this .i am so glad i came to read all you comments,it helped me a lot ,but i did not see any onwe in my situition,i am sorry i dont write very well in english ,,,he is so good to me when i am with him ,,,he take me any where i like ,,,but i am not happy with a married man ,,,like all of you in here ,,,,we never be happy ,i pray to god to help me ,to keep him away from me …cose i do love him so much .i better stop here ,cose its a long story,god bless you all ,god help us ,
I need advice. I have been seeing my mm for just over a year but the situation is even more complicated becasue we work together. How can I get out when I have to see him everyday!!!
Mary,
It sounds like your gut instinct is telling you that this is not a healthy relationship. That is your true feelings talking to you and I would go with that. Your MM sounds typical. A man who buys you things and takes you every where is trying to buy you and manipulate you. Its what keeps you with him. As for him getting angry with you if you go out somewhere with out him or want to leave him, that is typical of most married men also. They want to be with several women but their woman can not. My MM did the same thing. I even at one time broke it off with MM for about 2 months and started dating another man who I had so much fun with. He read my emails and found this gentleman email address and wrote to him telling him im already in a relationship blah blah blah. My MM ruined that relationship for me. They will do anything to keep us. Down to making us feel they love and adore us. It’s all very controlling. You sound like a woman with tons of common sense. You deserve so much more from a man. Someone who will treat you with respect and dignity. Someone your so proud of you will show him off to your family and the world. You deserve a man that when you look back 5 yrs from now, you will not be a lady in hiding or on the side. You wont be with out your man on holidays or birthdays. When you look back you wont feel the past 5 years of your youth have been a waste.And you wont still be waiting for him to leave his wife. Leaving a MM is not easy and hurts. But if you go by what NML wrote at the very top and take little steps at a time. One day you will let go completely. You have to know it takes absolutely no contact! No text, no phone calls or letters. And NO ONE LAST TIME just to talk thing. That is just MM way to see you and manipulate you back with promises and/buy you things. We are here for you and your going to need to talk this out.
Wow, this website is amazing.
I have loads of things going on right now… going back to work after illness, job interview in a couple of days, two of my best friends coming home soon. But what have I been doing for the past four hours? Researching how to finish my unsuitable relationship. That’s the thing, isn’t it. It’s so consuming! He is always on my mind, and I’ve really let friendships slip. I’ve just lost connection with so many friends because all I have on my mind is him and the situation and most of my friends are completely unaware of my situation. I’ve confided in just three friends.
For me, it was never meant to get to this stage. I knew the score and our mutual friend (one of the three who know about it) assured me that his partner (not married, have child) would never find out, as there are rumours that he’s had outside relationships before. He said from the beginning ‘no promises’, but I thought I was a commitment-phobe and wouldn’t’ve wanted any promises anyway! And I don’t, really. But neither do I want the secrecy and the hanging round in the pub, with him but not with him (everyone in our local is fully aware), and the part when he leaves at the end of the evening, and the weekends when in actual fact he is out with his friends but I don’t want to join him – I want him to myself!
Anyway, I’ve dumped him twice and gone back on my word each time. There wouldn’t be any extreme urgency except for I went on a date with a guy who seems really keen on me, and has asked me on another and I am so torn… and I want to get my job interview out of the way before I start making any big moves.
Any advice? It’s been 2.5months
Also, I agree with what one person said that its often the case that the relationship comes about when your life is missing something… I am SO bored of my life at the moment, and my job, and my friends. He is so passionate and fun and completely off the wall. I’m back at home after uni, and still have the same friends from school, many of whom I’m just not on the same wavelength as, any more. Hoping and praying I get said job, as it means a move away and a fresh start. I guess OMM provided a very positive distraction for me in my boring life. Honestly, my current job is just the worst. But that’s not what we’re here to discuss!
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Should I…
a) let UMM relationship finish of its own accord, and not go on another date with the new guy?
b) let UMM relationship finish of its own accord, and go on another date with the new guy?
c) Finish UMM relationship now and date new guy?
d) Finish UMM relationship now and don’t date new guy?
Am I just overcomplicating matters, by considering going on another date with the new guy? Is moving on straight away a good thing or not? Will it help me get over UMM? Do I even feel ready to end it with UMM? Only last wknd I finished it and then started it back up on the Monday (a week ago today). Total dilemmas at this end. Any help/advice much appreciated.
Thank you!
hi, wow am I glad to know that I am not crazy and that the emotions I have been experiencing are totally normal
I have been in a relationship with a married man for three years and it is eating me up day by day. I am so desperate I do not know where to turn and really see NO way out of this situation.
I have just turned 23 and am financially dependent on this man. My parents have not financially supported me for the last 5 years and I also have a younger brother to support. So I am baiscally totally financially and emotionally dependent on this man.
I was supposed to grauduate with my undergraduate law degree at the end of last year but failed one of my subjects. I basically have to repeat the entire year now before I get my degree and can become self-sufficient.
I know that I am going to have to endure this relationship for another year until I get my degree.
I am also so scared to leave because in all honesty there is so much that this man offers me.
He comes to see me everyday and does so much for me…more than what a normal guy would do. He brings me food, calls me a thousand times a day, helps me with every decision.He is not some sicko that just wants sex and cheap thrills..I know that he genuinely cares about me and I know that he feels so guilty when he can’t be with me.
he has been married to his wife for 35 years so I can understand why he won’t leave her. Also, the age gap between us is SO big that I don’t think it would be fair on myself even to marry and have kids with a man of 56.
Sometimes I really think that its just my issues that cause all these problems and that I should wake up and be grateful for this wonderful man.
He is in the process of helping me start a business and has also promised to buy me a property soon. He also gives me cuts of a lot of his business deals. I have EVERYTHING I want including a stunning apartment, jewellery etc. I can also travel to Europe four times a year by myself and I he lets me go out every weekend with young people. None of this is made up and is totally authentic..any rational person would not give this up…but I just cant seem to get over myself and be happy.WHY?
Can somebody please tell me why at times I think this situation is perfect and at other times I feel SO sorry for myself and experience the worst kind of hurt in the world. Nothing he does ever seems enough to make me happy.
I love him SO much and want to give it at least another year to see if I can get over my issues and make this work.
He gives me enough money to do whatever I want including personal trainers, massages so technically I could be living the life but I still seem to sit on the couch waiting feeling sorry for mysef
There are so many smart and attractive guys that are interested in me but I just want my married man and push everyone else away.
I have made the decision to stick with him for one more year until I get my degree and start up some kind of business which he has promised t do for me.
Can somebody please give me advice on how to cope with feelings like jealousy and feeling second best? And also how to start creating my own life and blocking out all the negative emotions.
Well, I began posting in September when my MM and I first broke up. Of course I bought into the b s believed in him, loved and missed him, so I took him back. I have been fighting myself for 6 months about making the call to the wife. Well, 2 weeks ago everything unraveled. After my mm syaing he loved me again , 6 days later said he needed to make sure he gave it (the marriage) one last attempt for the kids because when he leaves he will have no guilt in knowing he gave it an effort even though he said it probably won’t work. After he told me this and left my house, I immediately called him and told him to prepare for the worst. Then I called his wife. I exposed our relationship of 16 months to her. She said he is no bargain, not her soulmate, &that he had 2 other affairs in the past. I asked her why she stayed w/ him and she I guess justified it by saying they were internet affairs, not physical. She told him that if this ever happened she would divorce him. It is 2 1/2 weeks later and he is back in the house. However a source of mine says he told them that it is continual fight after fight. She came off to be such a “rock and foundation” that she wears the pants and she lets him back in. Why? Do you think it is just so he doesn’t go back to me. This has been a huge life lesson learned and I will never take him back. He is a coward, I know he doesn’t love her and it sounds like she is also not so happy w/ him prior to me telling her. Why would 2 people torture themselves and their kids by staying together? I am sad but not crushed like I was back in August. I cannot wait not to care. If he tries contacting me again I do not even know what to say.
And by the way ladies, I do feel foolish for making excuses and justifying reasons for him. I guess love is blind. I cannot wait to find myself again and have the freedom to be a graet companion to someone worthy to spend that time with. Holidays birthday, etc. Why did I sell myself so short? I am sick for how much I cared and believed in him. I feel like a monster for hurting his wife but hopefully one day she will be free of his lies and deceit. Even if he did leave her and ended up w/ me, I would have created the vacancy for the next OW. I am sure he will find another if he is able to manuever his way back in. Eventually when the dust settles.
Liza:For a smidge I felt second best too. I felt why wasn’t I good enough. He would tell me how much better I was then wife so why not be with me then. Finally I had to see. I was a game to him. He was manipulative and would never left wife. ( Read my story’s above ) Well my MM wife was the one as well who pretty much ruled the roost there at the house too. She knew of us many times and was not concerned with he will leave her for me. She knew he stay. Your situation, sounds as if he is able to have affairs. Sounds like she has gone through this with him before. Im sure she isnt happy about that but she is and always will take him back. So instead of thinking its all your fault he is not with you think about the big true picture of this weak man. I bet even if he leaves and stays with you that would not change his adultery ways. It’s not that your second best. Its that he is a manipulative womanizer. Not one of his woman will ever make him happy. He dosent have respect for woman from the sounds of it. He is married has a lover and chats with other girls on line. I bet he slept with some of them. Or he wanted to. Some how you have to see the truth. He is a bastard. Also think about this. How can a man treat his wife this way with no respect. Do you want that for yourself?
Hi to you all, I’ve been reading your stories and sitting here feeling it all clicking into place >>>>
So here’s my story….please be honest, I haven’t confided in anyone and I feel like I’m going crazy!!!
I’ve been seeing my MM for 3months, I am also in a committed relationship of 13years, 3 children….he has been with his W for 20years, married for 10, with 2 small children. We met by chance one day through work, he came to install software at my school where I work. It was like a bolt of lightening had struck….I’d never, ever even looked at another man – ever- but as soon as I saw him, and him me, we just knew. I told him during the course of our conversation that I was living with someone, etc…..he wasn’t wearing a wedding ring though, and just made a comment that he’d “never get married again”. I assumed he was divorced. Anyway, we exchanged emails and as he walked me to my car he embraced me. I’d never felt such a powerful connection with anyone, such an intense feeling that this is what I’ve been waiting my whole life for. My relationship is dead, has been for some time but meeting my MM made me feel alive. We spoke daily, emails, MSN, texts…and met up two weeks later. Our fate was sealed then. We spent the most wonderful day together, we kissed and I truely felt like I’d been waiting for this man all my life.
I should mention by this point, I knew he was married…I should’ve walked away then…but I couldn’t. He told me all the BS about how bad his relationship was, how if they didn’t have children he’d have left years ago, how he’s got a new business to get off the ground before he can even consider leaving…that’s _ and these are his exact words_ “that’s if I ever do leave her”.
I know how this sounds, really I do….and I feel so goddam stupid. But I love him. And he knows it, he’s told me he loves me too…that he’s not sleeping with her….all the usual BS …..I so want to believe him.
I spend all my time totally consumed by the thought of him, constantly checking my phone, emails…..nothing else seems important. I don’t know what to do….I’ve told him if he ever slept with her it would crush me completely and I wouldn’t be able to forgive him…..but part of me thinks what if he’s already done it, and is just not telling me?
I love him so, so much. I tried to break it off 2 weeks ago but the sheer pain was too much, I could hardly breathe. I’ve never known pain like it, and I didn’t think I could live without him in my life – totally desperate but he has that much of a hold over me. He doesn’t contact me at the weekends, that’s his family time…..not even a 10second text.
I’m going to end my realtionship in the next few months, and secretly I’m hoping that my MM will do the same…but I know deep down I’m kidding myself. My question then, is if I know all this, why can’t I break free and be the person I was before I met him? I hate this person I am now.
Hi Ladies,
I am grateful to say it has been since June that I broke it off.
I speak to him hear and there, I can honestly say, I am done. I do not yearn for him. I would like a relationship. Not one with him. I can now look at him with clear eyes, he is still married, works non stop, I do not want either. I know he is not happy, his wife can not be easier, but hey, these are their choices. “he is just not into you ” is a great book/mp3 download, I highly recommend. No need to “try ” and figure him out…….. actions are what to watch, easy are the words that flow from their mouths. I now watch to see if the action lines up with the words, we screw up our minds when we start feeling confused, try to justify, and attempt to figure them out. I believe there is an addictive quality to that behavior. What he is doing, what does he think, a useless waste of my life. Real relationship do not cause us to be crazy.
Love to you all
Hey Gratitude: I am so happy to hear your on top of that huge hill of pain you just trudged up and ready to slide down the other side. Its totally true about really looking at his actions in a situation and not justify them. I used to always justify why he would not call for days then call and give me some lame reason followed with an I love you and miss you. What a great perspective. Thanks gratitude.
I stumbled upon this website yesterday and spent a couple of hours reading it. It has given me the courage to do what I know I need to do.
I’ve been dating a married man for about 3 1/2 months. We’ve known each other for over 7 years…we work together. We started out as coworkers, then friends and became close about two years ago confiding in each other, telling each other about our past, etc. At the end of last year, we realized we had fallen in love and began an intimate relationship.
I enjoy being with him but sometimes I wish we had just stayed friends. I never thought about where he was or what he was doing on nights or weekends. It didn’t matter.
He says he is going to get a divorce but he needs to meet the residency requirements in the state he moved to which will be next month. (I checked it out and it’s true.) I’ve known him long enough and well enough to know that he is a man of his word but this is a big step and I know the chances are not great in my favor. He doesn’t have any children…she does from a previous marriage but they are grown and out of the house.
I’ve never been involved with a MM before and never will again…it hurts too much. I don’t know whether to end it now or wait and see what happens next month when the residency requirements are met.
Just a little background…I’ve been divorced 12 years and raised my children to adulthood by myself. I didn’t have the time or energy to date or establish a relationship with anyone during those years. I’m financially stable on my own, have a job that I love and a great relationship with my kids.
As far as us working together, he’s being transferred soon to a nearby city so we won’t see each other that often. That will sure make it easier.
I’d welcome some advice please. I’m ready to pull the plug and just see what happens. If we’re meant to be together, it will happen and if we’re not, better to get out of it now than later.
I know it is for the best to be rid of him. It does hurt, but there would be sooo much damaged goods in the aftermath, even if he did leave. Plain and simple he is a coward who does not want change. Very selfish as well. His wife started emailing and saying I called there house last week. She accused me of calling, letting the phone ring twice and then hanging up. She said my name appeared on her caller I D but it came up private number. Only for them that is how I appear. I told her I was not home and my phone number comes up private and restricted. Then she was harassing me w/ emails saying that the only reason I should be calling is to let her know that our children would be half siblings. The story is he had a vasectomy, finallly, after the 5th child. I let her know how ridiculous she was. I should not have responded but I let her suck me in to an arguement. I wonder if she will be able to or he will be able to stand this for much longer. It has to be damaging to the kids. She says I am pathetic, yet she is the one living w/ a man who has zero respect for her even after she gave birth to his kids. If she were smart she would make him pay, so they can live there miserable lives together. I tried to, without coming right out and saying it, that I would help him however he needed me to so he can make the transition but he didn’t make the move. Instead, he stayed or she let him stay, whatever, a huge lesson learned. Thank you Been There for the kind words and Time For Me, do not waste another moment unless you know he has made the proper steps and arrangements to leave. This wife I am dealing with I think only blames me. I did not seek for him at all. I do not get her. But I will say, she will never get over it. How could you? Would any of you ladies?
I am glad I found this site. I was once one of those women who despised women who were mistresses. After a series of events I found myself vunerable and involved with a MM. We have been seeing one another for about a year and a half. He is definetly the one who pursues. I have tried to break it off several times but he won’t let me go. The longest break was about 2 months. I have mistakenly thought I was the one in control. I decided when we saw each other (always fell in the time frame he is available to be seen) I told myself that I was not in love. We dated for about 6 months before we ever slept together. I should have known that I was in love then. We don’t say we are in love but I know we are. I did not love him from the start it was about 4 months in and then I knew. I am elusive with him but at the same time when I am with him I am right there. He always makes me feel special and wanted and it is nice to finally know that I could love again but yet it is with someone that is unavailable. The physical relationship is better than I had ever hoped to find. I don’t ask much about his wife but he is so curious as to what I am doing when I am not with him, he wants to know what I am looking for, what do I like about him, do I think I will marry someday… I thought I could just have this romantic physical relationship and be close friends but I have fallen in love. When we first began to talk (before any question of having an affair) he said he and his wife were like roomates and that there was no passion and no romance. He also stated that she was set in her ways which to me said that there were things she was not willing to do in the bedroom and that because of his kids they just stayed together. I know what that feels like so I we began to talk more and more intimately. He pursued me and has not stopped. The way he looks at me when I enter a room just makes me weak. I have survived a heartbreak before and I know I will survive but I am torn. I am single and have never married. I have a son from a long term previous relationship but will I ever find someone that I feel this way about again it was 20 years since the last time I felt this way about someone. I don’t fall in love easily. The relationship is great we laugh, we cry, we enjoy the same things many dates are just spending time together and the sex is intense at times, sometimes fun and he has become my best friend. Chances of me finding someone at this point in my life is not likely so why not continue but at the same time I want to be a priority. He wants to be around me all the time. He wants contact i.e email, phone or visit everday I know that he loves me but does he not say it because he thinks I will then expect him to truly act on it? Why don’t I tell him? We tell each other that we are glad we met, we feel alive with each other, we are crazy about one another but I think we are both scared that we might have stubbled into something that we were not prepared for. I am so conflicted.
It is terribly conflicting. It always seems to be so difficult for the man to leave. Yet is was not difficult for him to leave the marriage emotionally or physically. I am experiencing one of the most difficult times and heartbreaks of my life. I did not even love my husband who I have a wonderful son with and would never regret because of that, and I was w/ my husband for 18 years. I ask my self on a daily basis. How could my MM not be with me. We were crazy about each other and had that spark of passion that cannot even be described. The most intense. I have concluded that MM especially if they were married for a while and have children are plain and simple, JUST COWARDS. I am sorry you are hurt but if they were truly in love why would they want us to suffer. Would you inflict that pain and torture on him. I know I didn’t. I tried to make everything perfect and I did. But I ended coming out with the short end of the stick. He is still w/ his hideous (inside and out) wife and trying to make it work between them after telling me over and over that he did not love her at all, so why? It has been six weeks and I am still very hurt but you know what, he doesn’t deserve me. He should be a miserable coward forever. He and his wife are even more pathetic than I. They choose to live a lie because they do not have the courage to separate. His wife said to me that hemakes her sick. So how to they rebuild a marriage after infidelity and no respect for each other and no passion. For the kids? They are not doing them any favors. But it will happen again. If it wasn’t me I am sure it will be someone else. One of them will reach there breaking point and finally have to call it quits when it is so obvious to the children that they are destroying. Living the lie w/ someone you do not love will never make anything or anyone stable. I hope he regrets his decision every day of his life. My advice, dump him before he makes you so crazy that you call his wife or she finds out. He will go to his wife and it will leave you at rock bottom. Trust me I am climbing very slowly and it hurts.
Update: Yesterday I ended a four month relationship with my UMM. Had to do it by text ’cause it was just too difficult to try to get the words out. I told him that I was still really into him and that that’s why I found both being with him and breaking up with him REALLY difficult. He sent a nice text back and said let’s be friends etc., so I’m glad really. But there’ve been lots of tears since and I’m just trying not to think about it too much. Thing is, I have no regrets about the relationship. I’m in my early 20s and have learned so much from the experience. I know not to go there again but I have some really fab memories. My heart will heal in time. It’s difficult, but this is the best way for it to end, as he did say ”no promises” re leaving the mother of his child for me. I wonder whether one day I might look back on the experience and feel angry at the way he treated me… he’s a lot older and it was very irresponsible of him, knowing how young and relatively inexperienced I am. In case that ever does happen, I’ve kept my mobile phone with all the pictures and texts on, and since bought a new one. I’ve also still got all the gifts and cards he bought me and a top of his that I borrowed and never gave back. Maybe one day all this stuff might find their way through his letter box, for the attention of his girlfriend…? It gives me a slight feeling of power, knowing I have that, but I don’t feel anger at the moment, just sadness that I won’t get to have those moments with him again.
Oh, good Lord. He got in touch on Wednesday. I haven’t seen him, but we are back in contact and I am well confused. Help, peoples!!
Burgled, please while you still can’t cut off contact again. This guy is just back to suck you back in. Picture in your mind all of the times he made you feel horrible. picture the loneliness and sadness you felt waiting for him to leave his wife. (Whom he’s still with mind you.) and push yourself through the addictive emotions and remember how hard you’ve worked to get away from this assclown. Run honey, run!
Thanks Nikki,
I agree… he is trying to suck me back in and is going about it sneakily. My friends said he’s just being friendly and showing that it wasn’t just a fing to him etc, but I smelled a rat when he texted me! It did take a lot for me to end it so it would be silly to go back there, it’s true.
Much appreciated!
i am fascinated by everyone’s entries. 2 weeks ago, i finally ended my 1 year affair with a mm. i thought my circumstances were special but it amazes me at the similarities with other stories. i was shocked and saddened to hear the very same excuses over and over for him not leaving (wait til kids go to college, wait til financially ready, etc…). i fell for them all until 2 weeks ago and finally told him to poop or get off the pot. i said some rather nasty “parting ” words but i think it was my last chance opportunity to save face. he wanted me to give him just a few more weeks but i refused, saying that he would just give me those weeks of hope , renege again and delay my healing process. i feel bad that i said those mean things in the end and have fantasized about an apology but i realize “what’s the point?”. i’m still very weak and dont trust myself to let that wonderful, no good man right back in. i was particularly moved by the words from “wife” when she basically said ” don’t kid yourself. a man wont leave a woman who he has built a life with. it doesnt matter that she is a total frump and doesnt have that same sheen that you have. he will always pick stability over pleasure”. it re-assured me that i did the right thing by cashing in my chips now and confronting my grief to get on with the healing process.
Just checking in on everyone here. The sight has slowed down lots. Not much writing. Well to catch up on me. I have been away from my MM for almost the time length I was with him. We were together for 2 yrs and I have not had contact with him for 15 months. My last straw was it for me. Everything about him and his wife just sickens me. She found out about us like a million times. So pitiful. Sad. When we were last together and he made it seem like he moved out of state away from his wife so we can be together, and to find that was untrue and his wife called to talk and told me sexual things we have done I just got so sick to my stomach and I said you know what, you can have him this is truly disgusting and whatever problems you two have im out of it. She would send a text here and there to me asking if I have talked with him but HELL NO! I changed my phone changed my e-mails blocked them from my e-mail list and moved the heck on. My conclusion was this. First off. I remember the times I brake up with him to have him text me or call me or come see me. Something’s he did to get me back were truly unbelievable. Rings, house, meeting his son, having his dad call me weekly he is a pastor of a church by the way. He did tons of things to make me think, HUM? Maybe he loves me and he is hurting just as much as me. Maybe he really wants to be with me. If you decide to break up. You need to end it and try to mend your heart. Change cell phones, dont answer one pitiful Oh honey I’m sorry I want you not wife. Lies! You know deep in your gut that this is what you have to do. Don’t break up just to see if he comes running and then you think he cares calls. WAKE UP! Now he knows you will be there. Like at the top of this page explains. It’s a half hearted attempt to make him take you serious when seriously girls, he knows your going to be there waiting. I finally realized that last time together, How the hell could he do this to me yet again if he was soooo in love. If this was love true real love why would he hurt me. Do I want “real Love” like that? Hell no.We were close, we had awesome chemistry and everything was always great when we were together. So if he loved me why would he have me waste my life for years waiting. Why would he play so many games that broke my heart and took bits of my soul every time he make me wait days of not hearing from him. Phone calls unanswered. Weekend vacations canceled to be with his family. He take family cruses. I wait. Looking back now I can see how everything he said clearly were lies. I see now how things he would do for me because he loved me where only far fetched plans he elaborate to get me back and be with me. I fell for them every time. I can see what a idiot I was. I let myself be manipulated. If you have to wait for a booty call, a phone call, a day or weekend away. That is not love. He may be romantic more then any man in your life but its not real. Your a game. And he knows how to play you well. He plays his wife and he plays you. I think God I was able to say HELL NO no more. It was pathetic. I look back now and realize I would never be with someone who can cheat lie and manipulate like this. Why would I want to marry someone like that. Im glad she fought to keep him. Because he is a waste of a husband. I am glad I was able to finally see through his bull shit. I realized I was living some sort of soap opera drama life. And I wanted out! I became someone I didn’t recognize anymore. DONE. when I heard her talk about our sex life. How low and disgusting was that. How could he take something that was special. EWW. So obviously this was not as special as I thought our love making was. I want intimacy, I want to be with someone who loves me enough to stand by my side, to share family with, to make special memories with. To have no worries or concerns or doubts or scheduled in weekends or time together. The man I hope to marry will show dignity and respect for me. I want my man I love here and I want to be proud of him. I could never be proud if I was with that MM loser. I am back to myself ,I rarely think about him. When or if I do its something that rings ahhh ha now I see why he did that or said this. JERK! I kayak and do habitat for humanity every weekend. I help raise money for fundraiser’s. I am all about people charity work and ME! I have an awesome carefree feeling about my life. I adore who I am. I can sleep at night now folks with out wondering what they are doing. I sleep!!! Best thing in my life ever. It just happened, I was not looking for love. I have met a man who I am so proud of and is so tender and gentile. His love for his family and friends is unbelievable. I admire my guy and adore his strength and determination. He loves to volunteer. And helps to make others feel special. I truly admire him. I used to believe once that MM and I were so head over heals in love. No one knew me like my MM did. No it wasn’t true love. I am getting a wisp of gentile love now. Sex is not the most important thing is a relationship. Now I see MM was such a waste of my life. MM killed my spirit. It took parts of my soul. It damaged my heart. It weakened me in every aspect of my life. Work, family and friends. I pushed my whole life aside to be with my MM. Now what MM means to me doesn’t even matter. I don’t hate him. I dont regret years wasted It just dosent even matter anymore. I care less. I read once in someone’s article above” how can MM get away with it.” NAH. No way. That marriage is so screwed up forever. If wife finds out family, church (that’s what happened in my case.) There is no way they can move on. She will never trust him again. That was/is his wife that he treated like absolute crap. if they ignore it, it will still damage the marriage. There will never be the ultimate true love there ever. No soul mate would do that. They don’t get away with it. They fucked it up for the rest of their years together. I bet you ten to one. We as OW would not be his last girl his is with. He wont learn from his mistake and try hard for his wife. Nope. He learned how to lie and manipulate her too. He will do it again. Other woman, if you have been reading this site its because you know something is not right and is unsettling in your relationship with a MM. You can not sleep, don’t make plans on weekends in case he calls and wants you to come over, you can not tell your friends or family about him. You think he is your true love, he understands you, he cares about you more then any other. Let me tell you he does know you so well he can play you like a game piece. When you cry” I am going to break up with you” and then don’t talk with him for a day or two then you get so excited when he calls or text you? PROBLEM. Fight for your life and get it back. Fight for who you are. You have the rest of your life to live. Is this being treated like shit what you want for yourself? FIGHT! I was there I understand. I fought for me. I thought I was lost forever the first months with out him. thought I was going to die. Now I see I was lost the entire time I was with him. Now im so proud I fought for myself, I look at myself better then I ever had. You get over him. You awaken and see lies he said to you. You see how you were played. You get over the :how come he stays with her and not with me thing”. You get to this” thank god he didn’t pick me and stayed with her” AAHH Im so sorry your all going through this. It hurts I know. I was there. Trust me. Your hurting more now at this moment with him then you will be without him. Make a goal. Make sure you stay away with out contact for 2 weeks, get real busy with friends, volunteer work, then say ok that wasn’t bad 2 more weeks then 2 more then your FREE GIRL! Its a hard year to fight for your life back to normal after MM. You go through heart break then pissed off then feeling like you let yourself go and wasted your time with him how could you be so dumb period but in the end it so worth it. But heck I have 30 more or so years to put him way in the past and enjoy my life and be grateful I am not with a manipulative man. I will be with a man who respects me and loves me.
Not with a man who ignored my pain that he put on me, broke my heart and made me cry.
Wow Been There….every word you said is so true……I’m a shadow of the woman I used to be and don’t know if I could ever summon the courage to be so brave as to cut off all contact. I can’t sleep for thinking about them together, and most of the times I feel like I’m just getting through the day, not living it. I live for the texts, phone calls that I have with my MM – I honestly don’t feel I can live without him at the moment, I love him so much. Any other man I meet will only ever be second best to him and yet I’m torn. My head knows it is what it is, and yet my heart tells another story. I’ve cried so many tears since I met him, but when we’re together they’re all forgotten. Afterwards though, the sheer unhappiness I feel is like I can actually feel my heart breaking, it’s a physical and emotional pain like no other. I want to be able to call him whenever I want, I want to be able to share the little everyday things with him, I want more than the scheduled hotel dates. I want more. Deep down I don’t want a man that can cheat and lie so easily, but I love him. How do you ever get over this fact to move on though?
Wow, BeenThere, thank you so much for that entry.
I know that I must have zero contact with UMM, because when I meet men now I compare a lot of them unfavourably to UMM, which does not make logical sense, but I am still emotionally attached to UMM. So I know that there must be no texts, phone calls or meeting up.
One point you raised, that UMM/MMs do not learn from their mistakes is SO true. If they’ve done it once, they can do it again. A friend of mine works with a cheating man, who’s given her and me an insight into how they work. He said that the first time he cheats on a new girlfriend he feels guilty but when he gets away with it once, each successive time just becomes easier and easier until he has no qualms and just accepts that that is how he chooses to live. He says he has unconditional love for his girlfriend and that he tells each of his OWs that he will not leave his girlfriend and it is just sex. Thing is, I’m sure that he says all this whilst reeling them in, complimenting them and giving them plenty of attention and making them feel special. I thought I could deal with it when I was told a similar thing by my UMM. He said ”no promises” and I was naive enough to think that I could have a great time with him and escape unscathed. Having said that, I don’t regret it, as I’ve said before, because its a lesson learnt at a time of life when I am most likely to be able to bounce back.
So now begins my struggle to break the ties for good. I’m definitely a lot better prepared now that I was two months ago, when he was the first thing on my mind when I woke in the morning, and when I had regular contact with him every day and would get upset if I didn’t hear from him on a Sunday, which was often the case. I’ve come a long way but there’s still a long way to go. I spoke to him last on Thursday, having bumped into him on Tuesday. It’s baby steps, but I guess I’m going to have to ignore any texts he sends my way in the next couple of weeks. That’s going to be hard. It’s like you said beenThere, about getting excited when he gets in touch. After I broke it off and he got in touch less than a week later, ”to be friends”, I was overjoyed to hear from him. 🙁
So I can expect relapses, when I feel weak and miss him and want to just speak to him or see him. But I really hope that I can get around it and avoid the urge.
What’ll help is reading more entries like yours, BeenThere, and everyone elses, too. We’ve gotta give each other encouragement, those of us who really do want to be out of the cycle and rid of our UMM/MMs for good so that we can move on and have some hope of having a normal relationship with a decent man!
The best advice that I can give is to log everything about your MM on here. Like a journal. Write times when you break up, what lead you to break up or have a down time with MM and write what he said to you that made you go back to him. Write about the good times too. Then after a while go back and re read things. You get a better perspective on your relationship. When I read some of the ladys blogs, I can now see a cycle that they are in. I can see their reasons and excuses that get them to believe what MM tell them to get them to stay/come back to them. When you read ups and downs of others you start to see the pattern in your own relationship with MM as well as theirs. They all start to seem a bit similar. There is no denying that your in love with MM. So letting go is not going to come easy. It’s not easy letting go right off the bat. Thanks to this site, reading others who are in the same situation helped me see things a bit more clear. It takes time to see through his lies and manipulation. It’s hard to see what we think are romantic gestures and poetic words from him as lies. In an article above, I think its up there? One girl talks about how her situation is different from everyone else’s. She felt her MM truly loved her and his marriage was rocky that they never sleep together and he no longer loved his wife. ( not very different from ours is it ) How he promised to be with her but the kids and stuff. He needed time. She writes how in love they are and that he just needs time because the kids etc. Then in another blog she writes how upset and hurt she was because her MM went on a family vacation. Then she blog’s on how everything is fine again, that MM vacation was terrible and he wished he was on the vacation with her. I see that blog as her ups and downs. She truly believed he had a terrible time. When obviously their marriage is going good enough to plan a vacation with wife and kids. You know he had a fun time. He just had to tell her that he had a bad time on vacation to appease OW to keep her. Articles like hers helped me see the truth in my relationship with my MM. Then one day as you read I just seen it for what it truly was. A bunch of malarkey. I have blogs under Tina S above as well this name so you can see what my MM has said and done. You should also go to this site https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forum I have not yet wrote on there. But you lady’s should. There are OW on that site trying to figure things out too. Give yourself time to see things clear. So when your ready to let go. The time will be right.
New here, reading all these posts and am completely and totally overwhelmed. At times, I feel like I am the only one going through this situation and that all the things my guy (not married, just attached) says cannot possibly be lies and meaningless words. I foolishly thought I was different.
In the recent post by Burgled about the cheating man at work and his explanation into his mind, one question comes to mind. How does one become the GF and how does one become the OW? Are there qualities that one has that the other does not have? Are we as OW appear to be suckers that can be easily manipulated (or is it something that we became accustomed to with time?) Do these men just want the quiet innocent type as GFs and us because we are fun, adventurous, etc? Ok, so this is more than one question, but i guess i just want to know if these men already peg us as the OW as soon as they meet us and already know they have absolute no intention in anything long term and serious?
The above article from Been There is a very inspiring message. It is so truthful and accurate. I am now about 11-12 weks since MM and I have split up. The good thing is that I am starting to lose count. It has been a struggle but I am surviving. I cannot believe I was so in love with a manipulative, deceitful coward. The wife called my husband(soon to be ex) @ work last week. She left her name and a message. He knows my story already. We have been split up for over a year now. MM and I started before he was out of the house. The funny thing is my marriage with my husband has been over for years but he has been compassionate about this situation and lectures to me that he thought I was smarter than that. Anyway, she left her number, he didn’t call her. So, she called him again the next day. She stated who she was and to inform him in case he didn;t know that I had been having an affair with her husband for 16 months. She said the sight of him makes her sick. He is living in the house but she is weighing her options because she can really nail him w/ child support because of the 5 kids. He is a pathetic excuse for a husband, blah, blah. What is she after? My husband asked that she never call him @ work again so she asked for his cell #. He told her no. it is not his business, he doesn’t know MM and she need to do what she has to do. Been there hit the nail on the head. Their marriage is fucked up forever and it was before me. I was vulnerable. He brought me into his fucked up world and I allowed it. It is a slow and painful process but I NEVER , even if she finally realizesthey are what thet are and he came crawling , would EVER go to with such a pitiful excuse for a loving man. He is a sociopath and kharma will sting him forever. He has destroyed so many peoples hearts because of his lack of honesty. And if Wife is foolish enough to give him a 3rd chance, well, she has Zero self respect and then deserves whatever he gives her. I am feeling a sense of freedom and hope. I am starting to be happy within and with my son. A bit lonely @ times but I have a lot of love and spirit. I do not want to be cheated and lied to with empty promise. Even though it was painful. it was just as painful being with him wondering when the day was coming that he would stand up for me. Never. He has proven how he cowers back and for what??? How do you repair that. When and if the dust settles he will look “for a relationship with a woman” which he will always lack @ home. Thank You again BEEN THERE!!!!
FoolishGirl, in response to your question, I spoke again with my friend (but didn’t dig too much as she has no idea about me and my UMM, and so I didn’t want her to get suspicious over why I was asking). That’s my friend who works with someone who openly cheats on his wife, for those of you who haven’t followed the thread.
What I didn’t realise when I first spoke to her is that he actually has a wife and children AND a girlfriend AND random flings!! He hasn’t given my friend an insight into why he’s chosen each woman to play each role, but what he did say is that the girlfriend was originally just a fling but she ”became possessive” and labelled herself his girlfriend, which she has been for several years now.
The girls/women he has flings with are all just nice normal people who’ve happened to fall for his charm, according to my friend who has met a number of them.
If the wife, girlfriend and flings were presented to the man all at once and before he had attachments to any of them then I don’t think that the man would necessarily pick each for the role that they now play with him. Rather, I think that the man may have been reluctant to settle down and did so either for security or because he got his wife pregnant and had to stay for that reason. Then I think he chanced his luck when his eyes began to wander and found that he could have extramarital relationships and get away with it, and so he continued to do so. My friend told me that his colleague said he loves his partner unconditionally… apparently with this comment he was referring to both his wife and his girlfriend. I just wonder how he manages to find time for himself! And to keep up with all the lies, of course.
My UMM is attached ”because of the child”. I’ve never asked whether the pregnancy was planned. I think if it was planned then it would make his story less believable. He says his partner has threatened to move away with the child whenever he has tried to make a bid for freedom and move out of the house. But I only have one side of the story. I now think that the actual case is he is a freeloading b*****d (exactly the words that his partner used when she kicked him out while we were still seeing each other) and is happy to use her and let her cook and clean for him etc. and allow him to roll in at all times of the night and spend evening after evening in the pub. I can’t be sure of the situation, but I think that it’s just become his way of life now and he doesn’t want to leave. I’m sure he wouldn’t have it any other way. But now that I’m no longer with him he’s 🙁 but how can he expect me to stay around under those conditions!
Just looked at my calendar… it’s only been 3 weeks and 3 days since I broke it off. I thought it was longer than that. Is that a good thing or not? Hmmm.
Burgled, you’ve done well to get to over 3 weeks…even though it probably feels like a hell of a lot longer?
My rose tinted glasses are loosing their sheen……my MM went away for 4 days over the weekend and I didn’t hear a damn thing from him, until this morning when I got a text as if nothing was wrong. Those 4days were spent blinking back the tears, sobbing uncontrollably at times, feeling my heart breaking, my head and heart in utter turmoil. He would’ve known how hard it would be for me, that I would be imagining him with his wife, that maybe he’d slept with her and was feeling too guilty to contact me, that maybe he was having such a good time I didn’t enter the equation….all those things, he would’ve known, and he didn’t care enough to send me even a 10second lousy text to let me know he was thinking about me. I replied to his text today that he is taking the piss, to which he quickly replied that he didn’t know what I was talking about. Oh, to be able to just pick the phone up and call him…but as his wife was at home, again I had to settle for what he could offer – not good enough. We’ve got a hotel date booked for Thursday and in my mind I’ve kinda got to the stage where I’m thinking this will be the last time, a part of me has died this last weekend, he’s hurt me. He makes me cry. He makes me feel like absolute shit. Yes, I do love him but I need to love myself too, I need to get that old me back. I need to put myself first cos he sure as hell ain’t never gonna do that.
I take strength from you all that have managed to break free, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I hope I can do it.
So stupid:
Going to say, im going to tell you like I see it. Im not going to sugar coat this because girlfriend your hurting and missing out on your life. Your missing out on a full life for someone who is treating you like crap. Boy is it painful to read your blog. Girl I just want to hug you. This is so painful to read. To think that after all that you just put yourself through your still going to see him on your Scheduled date. Your going to allow this to happen again. Your life is so wrapped around him. You actually waited and cried for 4 days just for a text. A text! I totally remember those days. How my heart ached so bad for him when he didn’t call then he call and I was just fine. All the crappy pain he made me feel somehow I forgave him in one freaking Hello. Things were not fine. THEY ARE NOT FINE. You are excepting it and letting him do this to you. This is how your being controlled. He never called you because he doesn’t have to call you. He knows your sitting there waiting for him. It could of been 2 weeks and he knew that you would be waiting for him and would forgive him. And no matter what he and his wife did together he knows that your going to forgive him and make love to him on the scheduled time that works best for him. He knows anytime he would want to see you you’re going to be willing so what ever works best for him. Someday, like my advice before go back and read your pain and what you have been put through. Look at it from what we are reading. I know how tuff it is not to see it. Im sorry if my letter sounds like im a bitch but you need to see what im reading. Im seeing he treats you like crap. And you do not deserve to have anyone treat you like this. No amount of affection ( one night in a hotel room or whatever ) or romantic lies can even amount to being treated like you are. I am only being tuff because right now you have a choice to just not go on that scheduled time he made for you. Take a stand for yourself and self pride. You should go talk with a counselor or go kayaking or do some pottery. Do something to improve your life. Keep your mind off of him and be proud of an accomplishment you did. Im seeing he is only taking you down. OHHHHH I wish I could be there somehow to keep your mind on something else. I know that pain in your soul your feeling. FIGHT THROUGH IT. For your future life. Fight and find a way to make your self happy. How is this and what you go through making your life full of happiness?
Oh I feel like crap for what I wrote. Im sorry if I hurt anyone. I just AARRGHHH! I hate to see someone so in love with their heart on their sleeve for someone and get treated like crap. Hang in there and fight. So far I think you have realized this is not a healthy relationship for you.
Liza, HURRAY FOR YOU! 12 or 11 weeks is so awesome. Im so glad to hear that you broke free from their soap opera drama of a life. Wow your point of views on that situation you were in. It’s amazing when you used to be so head over heels in love how you could not see the actual truth about the true person he is. The love/lust just blinds you to believe in his trickery. I can tell that you have come such a long way in your 12 weeks. It’s awesome to hear you say that you know he manipulated you. And tell us how he did it. That is a huge step. I don’t know about how it was for you but when I first was able to open my eyes clear and see the true picture ( besides the fact of just getting fed up) For a smidgen not for long I was hurt again, mad at my self for allowing this to happen to me. I thought I was such a naive fool. Then it hurt because I can see how it was all lies, when here I was so stupid to believe in my heart it was some sort of love. I just wanted to kick my own @$$. How did I allow this to happen to me? One day I just had to let it go and not control me again. I snapped out of the funk right away. I still get a bit pissed off as you can probably see from my letters. I feel I can see the manipulation so clear now. And I truly and soulfully understand all the OW deep love and attraction we have for our MM. To even remotely think his love was a lie, takes part of our self. our soul. Its the worst pain I have ever felt. Now to see others hurting and know that others will still be out there with MM. I feel bad for the ride their lives are about to go on. It starts off like a romantic slow beautiful ride and ends up turning into some freakish dangerous roller coaster with you feeling like you left a part of yourself behind. Liza you sure have come a long way! Keep up the great faith in yourself. That is awesome to hear. Keep posting.
Been There:
Thank you for your comments, when I first read them they did make me cry, but hey, the truth hurts and I’m grateful that you took the time to make me see that. I knew anyway, but admitting to yourself is hard isn’t it?
Well, I did meet up with him yesterday at the scheduled hotel date….I went with an open mind and felt quite strong to break things off. But then as soon as I saw him, fool that I am, I realised how much I’d missed him. Just to be held close made me forget everything and all the tears I’d ever cried. Towards the end though, something inside me made me look at him and knowing that he’d soon be going home and climbing into another woman’s bed, left me feeling totally empty. We parted on not so good terms – he wanted me to perform a sexual act before I left which just reinforced that he was using me.
Today then, we had a talk on the phone – after he’d texted me to say he was free to talk of course, don’t forget even phone calls have to scheduled in when there’s a wife around……he was so hurtful. He said things I can’t bear to type because my eyes already sting so much from sobbing my heart out. He said there’s nothing between us apart from sex, that a long term relationship is out of the question because we’re not friends with nothing in common. That’s like a knife in my heart to hear that. How could I have got it all so wrong????????
He told me he loved me, we’ve talked for hours into the early hours about everything and anything. How can he say that to me, he’s killed a very large part of my heart….I feel totally overwhelmed by all of it, and wonder how on earth I got to be here in this situation. Was it all just a game to him, some cruel ego-boosting game? Did I ever matter to him, or was I just some cheap lay to him? That’s how I feel right now, cheap, dirty and taken for an absolute fool. And you know what? Try as I might, I still can’t help but love the bastard. How sad is that???
Been there, lived it. You are going to go through some real pain, but I am here to tell you that there IS light at the end of the tunnel.
I believed the lies my MM threw at me for 2.5 years. It wasn’t until I heard he was divorcing his wife, and had a new girlfriend that it hit me. Oh yes, a new girlfriend..in fact she was the other woman to me!
Then it hit me like a mack truck. He is a liar and manipulator and I am so lucky to have escaped.
It hurt like hell for 3 weeks, then suddenly one day I woke up and I felt great. Better than I’ve felt in years.
It just proves that although he claimed I was the love of his life and soulmate…he was lying.
Because if I truly was, he’d be with me right now.
Now he’s going through a messy divorce and child custody, wife is gettign a chunk of alimony and the NEW girl is caught in the middle..not me. I had a lucky escape.
Believe me, you just have to do it for yourself.
You will feel stronger than ever in a few months.
OMG, they are all a load of pricks. I can’t believe yours, So stupid. What he said was nasty, and completely uncalled for. Mine -it doesn’t feel right calling him mine, anymore- still rings. Only today he was like ”Just ringing to see how you are” (I missed his call and he left an answerphone message). He is so not getting what he wants from me any more. 5 wks tomorrow since we were last ‘together’. He also made some derogatory comment after we split, about how he’ll miss having someone to have sex with. Like he’s not doing it with his missus!! What a w****r. I have had some moments recently when I’ve been really annoyed at him… how dare he start up any kind of relationship with me when he has a permanent long term relationship with the mother of his child, which he has absolutely no intention of ending!! I never wanted him to end it, but still… what a d***. I don’t really have much more to say other than they are all tossers and we have each come out of this knowing that it’s not what we want from life, and knowing that we ain’t gonna be the OW any more!!! Why the hell should they get to have relationships with two different women. Since when was that OK?!?! I have seen the light now, and there’s no turning back!!!
Also, I love the power I have right now!! I love how with each passing day I am getting less and less bothered and he is still chasing after me. Hope he’s enjoying it, ha!
Update……
I spent the whole weekend crying, really physically aching. I couldn;t sleep, couldn;t eat…all I could think of was him. The tears were almost constant and try as I might I couldn;t get myself together.
Then he emailed me.
He said he would be in my area (his job brings him my way every now and again) in a few days and did I want to meet up? Of course my heart once again melted….he wanted me, and even though he’d hurt me with his nasty comments previously, love makes us do stupid things. A few days later I found out a good friend of mine died and it made me realise how short life can be, and how much this man means to me. Yes, he may not treat me as I’d like all the time, but the bottom line is that I do love him. I can’t stop loving him, and if I was to die tomorrow, I want him to know that I love him, I want to make the most of being with him when I can.
We did meet up, and cleared up a few things. He said he’d make more of an effort to contact me when he goes away, and I in turn promised to be more honest with my feelings and not keep them to myself for fear of upsetting him. We also had the most amazing sex in the woods afterwards!
I’m feeling more secure with him at the moment, he has been in contact more…and we’ve got another hotel meet tomorrow. I can’t ignore the passion and colour he brings to my life, and like I said before, I do really love him. It might not be forever, but does that make it so wrong? This is def one of my more optimistic times, this roller-coaster of emotions is so very draining so I’m trying to enjoy this while it lasts. I may shed more tears, who knows, but for now, I feel happy 🙂
Lol, sex in the woods 😛
Hahaha, that made me chuckle! 😉
Hey guys,
So I have spent the past 3 days reading your posts and it has made so much become so clear for me, thank you!
Here’s my story:
Met my MM out dancing, we were introduced by a mutual friend. MM started to hit on me, and when I asked mutual friend about him he told me he was married with 2 kids. I had already given MM my number, and the next time he called me I brought this up with him. His reply “Ummm.. I WAS married, I’m separated now and live alone. I do have one daughter, and she spends time with me on the weekends.” He went on to make fun of our mutual friend and asked if he had told me about his other 3 wives and 17 children, etc etc totally making fun of what our friend had told me.
He also told me that he had just turned 30. Then another week it was that he had just turned 31. By the time we were on a date (about a week later) and I was able to see his ID, he was 34. Red flag #1 that he was a liar…. but of course, he swung his story to say that he just liked me so much he thought I wouldn’t date him (I’m 24 now, was 23 at the time) if I knew how old he was, and also he doesn’t pay close attention to birthdays LOL
The first month we dated his mom was in town from Egypt and staying at his house. I know this was true because I could hear her speaking Arabic to him in the background of our phonecalls (his daughter’s mother is American and doesn’t speak Arabic). He told me he could not bring me to his house because culturally it was not okay to be casually dating someone without practically having plans for marriage, so we spend the month doing everything at my place. Also, his mom really really liked his wife, and because it was the holidays their families had been getting together to celebrate (for the sake of his 2 year old daughter, of course). His mom would be mad if she knew that he was serious about getting divorced and already dating.
He was the smoothest talking man I have ever dated. He could read me and see through me like no one ever had before. By our third date he was asking me if I could change anything about him, what would it be? I told him “nothing yet. Why? What would you change about me?” And he played this whole game of, “oh… I shouldn’t say” until I pulled it out of him. He grabbed my hands and looked me deep in the eyes and said, “I think you need to work on your confidence. You are beautiful, you are smart, and you are talented and you need to realize this about yourself!” I think I told him “wow, thank you” to which he said, “No, I’m not just telling you this, it’s the truth. Do you believe this about yourself!?” He basically let me know that while I was with him, he would make all of this very clear to me. He would treat me like the Queen he knew I was.
In talking to him, I learned that he was not legally separated. Basically he was married and just living apart from his wife and child. But because divorce was such a big deal in his culture and because it was painful for him to think about just yet, AND he didn’t like dealing with lawyers (excuses, excuses…) nothing had been done in the legal sense to show that they were separated.
I started wondering if we could maybe start hanging out at his place about 2 months in since his mom had gone back to Egypt. He said he didn’t think it was a good idea because his “EX” as he called her, still had keys to the place because some of her things were still there, and he didn’t want her to walk in on anything.
But aren’t you separated?
Yeah, but her dad hates me because I’m Arab and he’s threatened me in the past, and I don’t want to make her mad because worst case scenario, she could find some reason to have me deported and then I wouldn’t be able to be with my daughter or have you in my life. Now you wouldn’t want that, would you?
Um… no I guess not. So back to my place it was.
I went on a vacation with my mom and with my sister to a tropical location where I totally could have been out having a blast with all of the local guys, but I didn’t. Instead, I spent everyday calling him and wishing he were there with me. When I returned, he picked me up at the airport, looking handsome as ever, with a red rose in his hand.
Hey baby! So… I have a bit of bad news. She moved back in.
I was stunned. I had spent the whole week just craving his presence, so I think that I just kind of blocked out what he was saying to me just so I could focus on having him be sitting there right next to me again.
He told me that she had been kind of having a breakdown, she was crying all over the place, she still loved him and she wanted to move back in. He felt guilty because she had basically disowned her family in order to marry him, so he felt like he was all she had. Of course he cared for her as a friend or a sister, and as the mother of his child he wanted to make sure that she and their daugher were going to be okay. I understood this, didn’t I?
I thought it was over. It was New Years eve and I went out with friends while he stayed at home. He wasn’t there to kiss me on midnight. I drank an entire bottle of champagne by myself (I hardly drink AT ALL mind you) and ended up throwing up and passing out at my friend’s house. I was crushed. My heart was demolished.
But I still had feelings for him. That was undeniable.
I go to graduate school full time and work two jobs, and he was at work 6 days a week (which is actually NOT a lie) and would spend his day off with his daughter (who was not “ready to meet me yet”). We basically worked it out that we would see each other for a short period of time on either a Tuesday or Wednesday night, and then have a bigger date on Friday or Saturday night. During all the months I dated him (about 6 months by the time I stopped talking to him) we saw each other maybe 3 times in the daylight. He never spent the full night at my house (even just to sleep) because he told me that it wasn’t right… that when I was his serious girlfriend (or fiance) and we could spend the night in his house together, he didn’t want to ruin the “Specialness” of that moment I guess.
While he always told me that his wife an him were sleeping in separate bedrooms, and I know that many nights he would be out until 4 am, I always wondered if no matter how late it was if he was going home to crawl into bed with her. Even if he wasn’t, I think that the fact I had to torture myself with these thoughts really says something about the position he put me in.
Ther roller coaster took off, and one week it would be that he was my sun and the moon and the stars, and the next I would be banging my head against the wall thinking how stupid I was for having gotten myself involved with him to begin with. On a night when I had gone out of my way to cook a big romantic dinner for the two of us, he calls to say that his wife was at the hospital (turns out she’s anemic) and had to go be with her. I understood that even if they were just friends, this is important, but it’s what he said to me then that broke my heart: “She’s my wife, and I love her.”
I tried telling him to go get marriage counseling, but he was not interested. He said he was afraid they would just tell him not to get divorced, and that is not what he wanted (I argued that point, but to no avail). We tried being just friends, but that just ended up not working out because we were both still attracted to each other as much more than that. But even so, he still told me that he was not in love with me… yet.
Be patient, girl, be patient. Whenever I wanted him to make a decision, it was always me who had the problem. I was not being understanding, I was not being patient.
What sent me over the edge, was when we were strolling around in a park together at sunset on our last date. As he reached into his pocket for his car keys, what should happen to fall onto the sidewalk? His ring. I have never, in all the time I knew him, seen him wear a wedding ring. I was so shocked that I did not bring it up at the time, but everything started clicking into place for me a couple days later. He probably put his ring on the second he pulls up the driveway to his home. As far as his wife knows, they are still very married. Maybe unhappily married, but married still.
Why would I ever, in my whole life want to be in a serious relationship with a man who could lie in such a huge way to his family!? If he could do it to her, of course he would do it to me the second I stopped being new and exciting. What a prick.
I called him and told him through sobs that I did not want him to talk to me. That I would call him when I was ready to (if ever). That was 4 days ago, I stayed strong and did not talk to him. Funny thing is, I got a text from him just as I began to type this. I didn’t respond.
Through the powers of the internet, I know his wife’s name (and have known for months). I know his address, and I know her phone number. I have never used any of this information, but just knowing that I have it available to me makes me feel a little bit better. His wife claimed that a woman had called her and said that “divorce papers were in the mail.” I didn’t call her, but I think it’s funny that she and I are not so different. We are both sick of being simultaneously pulled closer to him and kept at a distance. We want answers. We want to know where our relationships stand. And as long as we keep wanting him, he gets 2 women fighting for his attention. Why would he make a choice? He is already getting the best that 2 people can give him!
So I made my choice. It sent me into a depression so deep that I missed the last 3 days of school and some midterms, but now I have no place to go but up. I’m going to talk to a therapist tonight. I trusted him more than I have ever trusted anyone and feel like he totally misled me. My dad cheated on my mom growing up, and I have a lot of unresolved anger issues over that situation. Now, realizing that I am the “Other woman”, my self-esteem is completedly destroyed. The shame, humiliation, embarrassment, sadness, guilt, and anger I feel are overwhelming.
It’s unbelievable.
Thanks guys, I just needed to vent that. Hope my case helps other people in some way. xoxoxo Good luck to you all! And don’t settle for less than you deserve. Ever.
So after a little internet research and background checking… I found out something interesting- his wife comes from a middle eastern family!!! So after all that crap about her dad being a racist and how he would get him deported back to Egypt if his daughter (MM’s wife) got pissed off is crap! I think the truth is that he is connected to her family through business somehow… still trying to figure all this out. Has anyone ever contacted MM’s wife? I have the ability and the urge to, only because they have a child together and I feel like she has a right to the truth. He had a 4 month relationship with another woman before me and several flings on top of that that I know of. And he is suuuper sneaky… so she may not know any of this, although I’m sure she suspects. So, morally- do you think it is right to contact his wife to let her know what I know? Has anyone tried this?
Shamuta, You keep getting yourself lost in details. Such as whether he is living with his wife, family details, etc.
If your goal is a mate, someone to form a family with, then you need someone that will be a good co-parent. An example of honesty and character, someone who is disciplined, caring, and respects himself and others.
You mentioned his business relationship. This guy sounds sleazy. His ‘ethics’ seem to be to ‘win’ against everyone. Deceit is great, as long as he doesn’t get caught. I doubt that he cares for you, only that he can keep ‘persuading’ you. I am sure that keeping you involved after you have reservations is most of his enjoyment – a monumental case of disrespect.
He keeps tangling his stories. An alcoholic doesn’t lie, I found, an alcoholic cannot tell the truth. This guy sounds almost that far from reality. I pity his wife, his daughter, an the rest of his family.
But nothing in his life, and no one, will get better until he changes. And that will be only when he hits bottom. Your continued regard and affection are *enabling* his anti-social, anti-cultural, and illegal actions. (Not everyone interprets ‘business ethics’ as this crook does.) Your enjoyment continues the poisons in his life.
Look at NML’s No Contact Rule. Find a grief counselor to help you understand the stages of grief over loss, and to cope with the pains and recognize the healing.
What is wrong about continuing, is that you won’t be available for a worthwhile man until after you heal from this emotional fiasco. You keep postponing the rest of your life, and risk missing the right man for you. Think of the home, the family, the joys you could be living now, if you weren’t chasing this whirlwind.
Blessed be!
Sharmuta,
I’ve never contacted UMM’s girlfriend, but I have stored up texts, answerphone messages and photos should I ever feel the need. If she sees any of it then there’ll be absolutely no denying it… messages begging me to come over and see him, initmate texts, dodgy pictures… It’s surprising just how explicit he was in his communications with me. Did he never think that the texts and answerphone
messages might come back to haunt him one day?! I wonder whether it was stupidity or apathy on his part.
Others might disagree but I see absolutely nothing immoral in making his wife/partner aware of his actions. She probably does have her suspicions. And it obviously wouldn’t be pleasant for her, but if you feel strongly about him paying for his actions then that’s probably the only way that you can ensure that he does. Especially in your case, Sharmuta… he told such big whopping lies, making you think that there wasn’t even a wife!!
The trick is not to make it look like you’re the woman scorned… ”this is what your cheating husband gets up to…!” Try and make out a concerned friend/family member has acted on your behalf. Well, if he can be deceitful then so can we!!
I’m probably going to leave it for a few months. Completely disappear off the scene, have no contact and then, if I have the desire to do so, have a ‘concerned family member’ act on my behalf, and reveal the contents of my mobile phone. Whoooosh, he won’t see that coming!!! Hmmm, revenge is sweet!!!
Unless she sees it as being in the past, and takes him back even though by then he’ll probably have someone else on the go, too?!
Any thoughts?
Oh yeah, and the only reason why I wouldn’t reveal all is because they do say that the best revenge is to get on with your life and forget about them, and I don’t wanna waste any more energy on him.
Having said that, why should he get away with treating women like he does. Hmmm.
Hey guys, thank you so much for your comments! Oh believe me, I will not be going back to him… that much I’m sure of. But I do realize that I’m spending a lot of energy on this whole situation, rather than moving on to focus on what’s going on in my OWN life. But I am only on week one of no contact 🙂 It’s been a hard week.
Anyway, I know that if I was to contact his wife, it would not be with the intention of ruining their relationship. I really thought it through, and I know I wouldn’t be doing just because of the “if I can’t have him, no one can!” mentality. No, I think my anger is in imagining that this woman who has been him for 12 times longer than I have, has been betrayed and lied to 12 times as much. I think it would help to relieve the guilt and sadness I feel towards her to let her know what he’s been up to. I feel like she has a right to the truth. At the same time, she is his daughter’s mother for life. She probably knows he’s been up to SOMETHING, but is financially and otherwise dependent on him. Perhaps she already knows some things, yet stays with him by choice. Can any wives out there tell me, would you prefer to live in ignorance or be slammed with the awful truth if you were trying to raise a child with a cheating man?
Another entry to look back on and remind myself exactly why I should call it quits…… He’s been “away” again with his family this week, Friday-Thursday so even longer than last time. And again, my life seemed to be put on hold – not intentionally, just that kind of limbo feeling waiting to hear from him, checking my mobile every few minutes, you know the stuff.
Well, I did receive not one, but two texts, one on Sunday and one on Tuesday – one liners about how windy it was??!!! WTF? If i wanted a weather update I’d look on f’in teletext!!!! He just doesn’t get how I feel when he’s away, and having to keep remind him not only makes me seem clingy and needy, it makes me feel clingy and needy. Also, he told me he was getting back on Thursday (tomorrow), and yet I know he has band practice tonight at a local pub and he’s also been online today – so I know he’s back already. But he hasn’t contacted me today to let me know he’s back (he isn’t aware I already know)…….so obviously not that bothered to talk to me, hardly missed me then did he?
Also, I have a very serious health issue that I have to attend to tomorrow…..I suspect that he has given me something quite nasty- I have been 100% faithful to him and only had one previous partner. I trusted him when we’d talked about STD’s before we slept together. I now have to endure the utter shame and worry of a Drs visit tomorrow, I pray to God he hasn’t given me anything else, I have 3 children to think of here. Right now I feel utter disgust for him, he’s swanning around with his wife living it up and he just uses me for sex when he feels like it. Yes the sex may well be good, there’s no denying that, but at what cost?? All I ever did was love him, and look where I’ve ended up. There’s only so many excuses you can make for someone else…….I’m running out of them rapidly. He’s broken me in so, so many ways. Not just my heart, but he’s shattered my trust and hopes for the future, and my self-esteem too. I don’t like me anymore. I don’t feel good enough.
Reading my last blog just now, when I felt happy was real hard….I was so happy that day. When loving someone isn’t enough there isn’t anything else you can do.
Shmaruta
I think that most of the time the wives pretty much have an idea that the husband is fooling around. They live in denial for the most part. Unfortunately, if you do notify her about your affair she will more then likely get mad but stay with her husband. My MM’s wife found out about us many times. Almost every time seemed like. He was even with me on Christmas, New Years, Mothers Day and their wedding anniversary. She found out about those times and others. I mean you think when your husband goes away for the weekend on Mothers Day and Your wedding anniversary weekend you would get more crushed then ever. Nope. It’s security and money that pretty much keeps the two together. Also MM are very very very manipulative. They will tell both the wife and the OW how much they love them and a bunch of other malarkey to get us women to stay. MM lie well and are able to somehow get the truth to where we start to feel sorry for them and everyone is back together again and he is able to play us all once more. MM also points the finger at the OW. Gets the wife to dislike us. We become the huge sluts and he is just the poor weak man who was seduced. He apologizes, takes her on a trip, buys new furniture even a larger house. ( this is what my MM did for his wife after every time we got caught) He knows how to play her better then he plays us. So you can tell her about your affair,but her husband comes first and she will never take you seriously. How could she if you knew about her all along. She will more then likely be more upset with you. You knew he is married you could of walked away so you stayed and that’s your problem. You may start an argument but for the most part they will move on with their lives. You won’t get any where. No matter how nice you are. How straight to the point you get. Myself and my MM wife never once fought or argued. We talk about pretty much the whole truth. She stood by her man. You know what. He kept telling me how terrible his marriage was how he wanted to marry me. Even bought me a diamond engagement ring. I have had no contact with my married man in 17 months. They are still married. Truth is they never leave. After a 2 plus years together, caught by her many times. They still worked it out. He is a bastered and I am hurt and feel very used. They know we will always come running back to them. They know the wives will do the same thing. They take them back too. That’s how he is always able to keep the affair going. If he even in the slightest bit felt his marriage would be on the line he wouldn’t have an affair as often as he did. He wouldn’t dare. He knows both woman will take him back after he dishes out his pitty party to the both of you and you both will always forgive him.
Hi everyone ,
Last year same time this month I have been in the same sh… situation you know what ?I feel for you guys I dont want to go through my story again ,but somehow I lived the same nightmare like most of you ( if you want to know about me check last june`s details) ..
First I would like to ask SHARMOU…..to stop calling herself such a name because she shouldnt . YOU are a nice decent loving woman who fell in love with a wrong person there is nothing wrong with that we all make mistakes Please stick to BAGGAGE RECLAIM site and I garantee you will be able to recover from that nasty poison liar MM
Today and because of this nasty experience, I have found myself I am so greatful for this site and all who shared my pain and agony during my dark time
I do hope you read the ten commandement rule of NML it wil get you through and sharing and conversing on this site will make you aware that you are not the only one going through this nasty episode .
Look after yourself and do not let this kind of creeps waist any good day of your life.
lots of love
Fortuna
Time heals is the most profound statement. It is so true. My ex-MM wife emailed me a blank message on Friday while I was away for the holiday. It has been almost 4 months and she just will not let it go. Obviously, she has no respect for herself to still be w/ him. She must be tortured on a daily basis. Ladies, do you agree the only way to be rid of the betrayal is to move on? For everyones sake. How do I respond to this scorned woman ,,because I have not been so nice ,since I was scorned as well. Without sounding like I want him how do I tell her the only way to feel no pain is just to move on. It hurts like a SOB in the beginning but the power and strength you gain is almost miraculous.
Hi Everyone- not sure if talking or writing will help me but am willing to try. I currently feel I will never feel normal or even happy again. My days are consumed with a “pit in my gut” crying most of the time and not always being emotionally available to my 3 precious boys.I know that everything I have read says to put distance between you and the MM, but I cannot because he is also my boss and I see him everyday!
I cannot quit because I am separated with 3 young boys, and need to work and this place give me tremendous flexible and setting my own days and time of work. My MM and I have been emotionally together for a year. We have tried to split up because he is MM and not available to me so many time, but we always get back togetther. Our relationship is not based on
Sex (by that I mean intercourse) not my decision…. but his. He says that would indicate the ultimate commitment to me and he can’t give me that yet. I think Sex is Sex we have been intimate in every other way.
What is most difficult is hearing (whether true or not) that he still cares about me and if he were FTA (free to act) he run to me not walk. I could hear all your words through my screen-DON’T BELEIVE HIM, HE IS FULL OF CRAP. Perhaps, but that does not change my pain and desparation to have him hold me and kiss me again.
After one of my insecure episodes last week, he says he working thing out in his mind before he can decide what to do. In the meantime, he wants me to go on with my life without him because he sees that this uncertainty is killing me and damaging his health.
I want to hate him and blow the whistle on him but I love him too much to hurt him or his kids (even the wife). What do I do?? We were suppose to spend some time together this weekend but he wants to put some distance between us to “heal”. He has called me insecure and needy and times, but what else am I to feel when I know he nis having obligatory sex with her. I wish I could wake up and feel healthy and normal. I do not eat or sleep and do not want to go out. This weekend is going to kill me being along (my kids are going with their dad). I feel I am so damaged that I will never meet anyone to give me some happiness nor do I want to. My best friend tells me that he does not deserve me and that I deserve better than him if does not see what he has in me. I wish I believed her. I want to be strong, I want to feel confident, I want to get over these feelings and the hopelessness of it all. I want me back!!!!
Anyway, thanks for letting me write and vent my feelings.
i thought im the only one who is having this kind of pain. but my married man is the one who broke up w/ me recently. from the start of our “relationship” till 3 hrs before we break up he never failed to make me feel loved. even though he can’t be w/ me he would call me and talk to me everytime he’s free in a day. i was very obedient and would help him hide our relationship from his wife. till the time that we had our fight. when he ignored me i called their house phone to get his attention. his wife noticed it and called me herself.she knows who i am cause she was having this gutt feeling that her husband is having an affair w/ me. at first i denied it but eventually after i hear her crying i felt sorry for her i told her the truth.because of that my married man get angry w/ me for telling the truth & broke up w/ me. before he had this promise that he will never leave me as long as i wont cheat on him. he said the only reason why their still together is because of his son. but when truth came out all those promises were gone. he even told me that he never loved me at all. that he just actually treated me as a good friend…i asked him then why did he do everything to win my heart?i have a boyfriend that time.i broke up w/ my ex for him.why did he made me feel so special?why did he take care of me?why did he let me get close to his relatives?because he is a muslim and muslims can marry more than 1 why did he always tell me that he can marry me as well?then at the end of the day he will just leave me like that and can even say that our relationship was just a stupid mistake?it really hurts. he changed instantly specially when his wife told him that he will never see his son again..
There’ve been developments.
To cut a long story short, UMM’s girlfriend found his mobile and read msgs from me and now wants to know who I am and who I am to UMM.
She has my number now and he warned she may be ringing me. Feeling very anxious about the situation. Having had time to think, though, I almost *want* her to ring me, so that UMM can get his comeuppance (I broke it off with him in early April so we’re no longer officially together, although there have been a few encounters since) and so that this can finally end, once and for all.
Not that she’d kick him out, I don’t mean that, but if she knew then we wouldn’t be able to keep seeing each other, I assume, and he would stop trying to contact me.
Wow. What a rollercoaster. Have you guys ever heard about the 5 stages or grief/ breaking-up? I think my whole relationship was DENIAL, followed by DEPRESSION when I realized that it wouldn’t work and started the break-up process, followed by my ANGER and BARGAINING stages. The anger/bargaining was when I felt a little out of control and actually got so far as driving on an impulse to his and his wife’s house (that I had managed to get the address of) with the intention of talking to her while he was away at work. I told myself I would see how I felt when I got there. Well, when I drove up there was some little kids birthday party going on at their neighbor’s house, all the neighbors and kids were outside watching me drive down this dead end street… anyway, I felt like all eyes were on me and I decided I did not want to cause a big scene. So I went home.
I called a bunch of friends, talked to my roomate, my mom, my sister… and after many conversations decided that it could be potentially dangerous and, like BeenThere said, likely ineffective to tell the wife anything. The more I thought about it the more I realized she probably knew A LOT already….but was probably trapped in the DENIAL stage herself.
Sadly, there is probably nothing anyone but MM can say or do that will fix his marriage or what kind of a father he is to his daughter. I feel so bad for his family but realized that karma or God or however you want to view it would touch all of their lives (his too) in the right way at the right time. (Final Stage for me: ACCEPTANCE)
Before reaching ACCEPTANCE I had written over 10 emails (mostly for my own therapeutic benefit) venting my anger about what he did, and saying how I had the power to get revenge… etc- but made sure to press “save” instead of send. It was great to watch how the emails evolved from day to day.
Finally, I was able to turn the focus on myself. A lot of poetry and some good friends definitely helped 🙂
Because we had left off on the terms of “I would call him when I was ready” and we hadn’t clearly broken up, I did send him one email (but have had no other contact with him since). I knew I was ready when I was finally able to write a note with love instead of anger. Not love for him, but with love and respect for myself. It felt good to give myself that closure… didn’t really care if he even read it. Truly, it was a note for me.
Here is most of what I wrote (except for personal ID stufff basically):
Dear (MM),
Here is my conclusion: I know my worth. Happiness is
possible to attain on my own, and I’ve decided that I
don’t need a man around to feel secure about myself.
Should I ever CHOOSE to have a relationship with
someone in the future, it will be a relationship based
on total honesty and respect, equal attention, and
which allows for mutual growth. I’m starting to
believe that true love is not something that is given
to you by another person to fill up the emptiness in
your heart, but is rather something that you must
learn to grow completely within yourself before it can
be shared.
I’ve had a million thoughts about the moral choices
you have made in your own relationships, but decided
that only you and God can possibly know the whole
truth of your situation. I only hope, for your
daughter’s sake, that whatever choices you make
involve giving her as much time and attention as you
possibly can.
I wish you luck, courage and wisdom on your journey as
a father and as a human being. As for me, I am
thankful for the lessons I learned and am ready to
move forward with my life. Take care (MM).
Sincerely, (me)
*** He replied with a text message saying “good luck in your life and you can always call me if you need me”
…But I know I won’t ever be needing him 🙂 Yay! I’m HAPPY and freeeeeee!!!!
Wow, that’s brilliant, Sharmuta!
Lord, it’s such a difficult time right now. But I spoke with my sister yesterday for hours and hours and just went over everything. She saw where I was coming from, in wanting revenge, but she assured me that UMM’s girlfriend knows the script. She doesn’t need the evidence. I’ve got it if ever she asks for it, but she’s in a relationship where she’s constantly in doubt, constantly unsure and kicking him out at least once every six months. She’ll leave him when she’s ready, and not when she’s forced to acknowledge his behaviour through receiving proof of his antics. All it would do is upset her and she’d have a go at him, kick him out and, soon enough, take him back, and things would just remain rocky between them. It’s not as though he’d get his comeuppance. She’d probably feel belittled if she was given the evidence without having asked for it, and rely on him even more for comfort. Vicious cycle and I’m best off well away from it.
Those stages of grief… I’d say I’ve been through them all at some point, too. I’d say the anger stage has predominated over the past couple of days, after hearing him tell me that he’d denied our relationship to her. That hurt. And to tell me in an answerphone message, too!
The bargaining stage. That would possibly be the last time I met up with him, and my friend warned that if I did so I’d only get hurt again. I insisted that I’d be fine and it was a one-off and there were no feelings involved. All lies. So that’s also an example of denial. He had become the cause and solution of all my problems… if I was feeling crappy, I knew he’d be there, but then his actions made me feel even crappier.
I thought that one way of dealing with it was to move on to someone else. But that didn’t go to plan… I haven’t felt anything like what I felt for UMM with anyone who I’ve dated since/while I was with him. And I realised that I need to focus on me, now. I need to rebuild my life, heal and only when I’m 100% happy again should I be thinking about getting close to another man.
Lord, I did not expect any of this when we first kissed 6 months ago!
It’s difficult and it’s more difficult than I first thought when I broke it off back in April. I’ve hardly even progressed from them, apart from the fact that I’ve only seen him twice since. But the feelings are still there because I’m still reminded of him and still speak to him. But no more. No longer. The focus is shifting onto me now.
That’s another thing I was thinking today… should I be completely blocking out all thoughts and all pain? Or should I feel the hurt now so that I can move on? I’m only 23 and have never really had a dramatic break up before, never mind breaking up from someone I’m emotionally attached to but who my head tells me is bad news!!
Be strong and resolute!!!!
I miss him 🙁
My heart is saying to my head ”What’re you doing, are you crazy???”
I asked my sister whether it was OK to have in the back of my mind that he will always be available should I want to go back there. She said yes, as long as I never do so.
He drove past me tonight after work. It’s a small world, and there are constant reminders… but I’m moving to a nearby but far-enough-away town soon, and starting a new job. Wondered whether I was too emotionally unstable at present to be undertaking such an venture, but really it’s probably happening at the best time. I dunno. I dunno what’s best any more :'(
We are human (and big-hearted ones at that), of course we are going to miss him! If he was truly the person he appeared to be when he was with us (and also a single man), we would still be with him! The trick is in getting yourself to separate the reality of your relationship from the fantasy of your relationship. Ex: REALITY- Able to see each other on evenings only when convenient for him, could only call him at certain times, could only hang out at my house, PDA was off limits at certain public locations…. and then the fantasy (especially the fantasies that he helped to create and play along with)- We would go spend a romantic week at a resort after the divorce, a year from now (if/when I was his fiance) he would help me to buy a car, in a few months he would love to introduce me to his family, he would take me shopping for cute dresses and pay for me to have my hair done just as soon as he had a day off, etc, etc. He had me thinking that if I stuck it out with him just a little bit longer through the bad times, then he would have paradise waiting for me just around the corner. He always had some new idea about how he was going to spoil me and treat me like a queen… later. Did any of his romantic “plans” ever actually become reality? No. Yes, sexually things were good. Yes, he’d pay for dinner. Yes, we would go out dancing (where his friends hung out). Could I pretend like this was all I really needed at the moment in a relationship given my busy schedule? Absolutely. But the reality was that our time together was centered around him getting sex, him getting dinner with good company, and him hanging out with his friends (with some arm candy to show off to them). Our time together was about HIM getting HIS needs met. I still enjoyed our time together, but on average the things we did together were centered on HIS happiness (afterall, he was the poor victim forced into staying in a loveless marriage. I was the lucky one who could do what I wanted with my freetime while he HAD to go home and be a martyr to take care of his “emotionally unstable wife” and their baby. Therefore, until the divorce, we had to make the most of his limited freetime to do what he wanted…then “after the divorce” we could move into our beach house, and he would hire maids and everything for me, and we would live happily ever after, etc). Right.
If you can ladies, take every beautiful, wonderful thing your MM told you and THROW IT IN THE TRASH! Look at his actions. What do his actions tell you about how he feels about you? Sex doesn’t count. How did he show you, through his actions alone, that you were number one in his eyes? Chances are, you’ll see that you were probably not number one. Heck, you probably weren’t even number 37.
Once I was able to see that he wasn’t as emotionally concerned for me as I was for him, there was just one thing left to conquer- pure, raging physical attraction. Seriously, I thought he was the sexiest thing I had ever laid eyes on. I still have a little “romantic moment” memory creep up every now and then, but I found a way to deal with it. This is where we get to have some fun 🙂
Play along and let’s see if this works for any of you: Pick out a feature of his that you weren’t too keen on. Maybe his nose was kind of big. Maybe he was a little bit too hairy in the wrong places. Maybe he had funny shaped ears. Think of a birthmark or a mole. At the time when you had all positive feelings towards him– these things were just little physical feature quirks that made him all the more endearing, right? Now meditate on that feature (or features). Exaggerate it in your mind. Realize how disgusting this physical feature is. Really work with it until you start to wonder how you could have even stared at him for more that 3 seconds without wanting to gag. When you start to have a thought that says, “Oh… but it’s not that bad! And besides, he could say the sweetest things to me and I felt so great in his arms and…” NO!!!! WRONG! Get yourself to remember: He is a selfish loser, a liar, a cheater, a greedy b*****d and OMIGOD, I let him touch me!? My beautiful, sacred body worthy of only the top 1% of men on the planet and I LET this no-good scumbag with yellow teeth, gray hair, and a nose the size of mars put his dirty, filthy lips on my pure, priceless body!? EEEwwwww! What was I thinking? LOVE IS SO BLIND! I am a work of art, inside and out and he is nothing but trash, trash, trash! If the physical intimacy was good… it was because I WAS REALLY GOOD. There is no other explanation. Morph him in your mind until how you feel about his appearance matches how you feel about the way he treated you. From the stories I’ve read, these guys should be looking like zombie mutants in your mind towards the end of this exercise. Then, everytime he pops up in your mind from now on, ignore the features you liked. Focus on everything that is ugly about him. You can start from the outside and work your way in, or vice versa.
Pretty soon, you’ll feel a little twinge of disgust everytime his nasty little face pops into your head. And eventually, you’ll be able to push him out of your brain at lightning speed- so you can focus instead on the beauty of the world around you. I don’t know, maybe this is totally weird but it worked for me. If you feel like trying it- have fun and good luck! Much love to you all xoxo
Girls, I’ve been out tonight and who ended up in the same club as me? Him. Horrible disgusting him, flirting with a blonde girl in her 20s, who was flirting back. I was shaking and felt sick. Sharmuta, I looked at him and saw that he is ugly. He looks dishevelled and wears the mankiest wrotten old clothing. I was almost crying in front of my friends but they know nothing so I couldn’t divulge.
And then a tap on my shoulder… my ex, who I split up with for UMM. A guy who is still utterly devoted to me and knows me inside and out and would move mountains for me.
I feel sick. Maybe partly due to the cold scampi that was served up in the restaurant beforehand.
I wish I could’ve cried on my friends’ shoulders. Other events that marked the evening were my friend telling me that her sister’s marriage has ended as her husband has been having a 3yr long affair, and another friend has just got together with a man who left his pregnant wife for her.
:*(
What was I ever doing with that rotten scoundrel?!? I’ve got to learn to love myself more… We live and learn! x x x
Well Ladies, I haven’t posted in awhile and had a setback. No, I didn’t see MM. His wife emailed me a message that was blank when I was at the beach over Memorial Day weekend. Attached to it was a message I sent her after she called my x husband at his job saying how she cannot even look at her husband and she is weighing her options and wanted to try to screw me(MY SON) out of child support. She was saying that he has 5 kids and not a pot to piss in so I must have financed the relationship.Blah Blah Blah. Anyway I got the email through my blackberry. I responded a bit nasty asking her why she is contacting me, does she need pointers, also Telling her she has her husband trapped, I am ok and to leave me alone. At 5:30 she responded what do you mean now. Like she had no idea what I was talking about. I shouldn’t even get caught up in her crap but I did. About 5 days later when I got home, I emailed her saying if she had anything to ask me she had all of my numbers. Well last Friday, I get a response from her saying please stop contacting her, she is moving on and the past 3 months have been diificult but she has a huge support cast with her friends and family. No one can even imagine the place she is in and maybe she should thank me for shedding a new light on her life. Also that it is a scar that wil never go away because of how you lose things from everyday hussle and bussel. I responded telling her she was crazy, that I only reply to her initiating the contact. And once again she started the BS about me financing the affair. I asked her if I should have dropped him a bill after I made dinner. Totally ridiculous. Anyway 3 days ago I found out they purchased and closed on a 275,000 house the same day she emailed me. Where is he getting the money to support that.? I was devasted for some reason and I am shocked. What is she thinking? Denial???? 5 kids he makes about 80,000 a year, isn’t that crazy. My friend said they just put a band aid on a knife wound. He and she sicken me. I am going to start picking out his faults, like him being 5’6, gray, no taste, smelly breath. I need to get over the passion. Please make this go away already. Is this my karma????
Liza
Oh I wish you would of read my post above about replying to her. I explain that wives pretty much only want to contact OW so they can re point the finger at the OW and find another reason to deny the fact she is married to a womanizer. The wives will push tell we break and get upset and argue back, then just like she did wants to end contact with us as soon as she has what she wanted from us. She wants to be able to say that it was all of our (the OW) faults and the husband was just this weak fragile innocent man who was seduced by a low life floozy. So she can sweep his affair under the carpet. Yes, she will deny the whole thing ever happened and yes they will both move on. I have had no contact with my MM for one and a half years and as your MM did my MM bought his wife a larger home they now go on vacations to far away private hideaways. Yep. Found out they just had a sweet vacation a month ago. They moved on. They do. They will. It’s because they are married. For better or for worst. She is his wife and no matter what 3 bad years with having affairs doesn’t take away 15 or longer years they have been together. And the 15 or more years they have a head of them. Flat truth. No matter what we say to the wives they believe the husband 100%. We are just a set back in the marriage they built together. As sad as it is. We know the marriage has to suck for him to stray but realistically. Marriage is something two people build on. Most marriages have set backs and most husband and wives work hard to strengthen them. This is her husband she is going to fight to keep him. Mine did. I am so glad she did. As I wrote before I am thankful she married that bastard and not me. So like you and Sharmuta wrote. What I found ugly on him became realizing what type of man he really was when I took of my rose colored glasses. I didn’t see him as a man any more. He became a dishonest weak boy in my eyes. I seen who he truly was and what type of man he is. He became a very ugly person that I would never want to spend the rest of my life with or any more time with. His wife still loves him. I don’t. Im glad she fought for him.
“He became a dishonest and weak boy in my eyes”—- Amen to that BeenThere! I believe that all of these men are selfish cowards. A real man should be able to admit to his faults and have the self-discipline and confidence it takes to correct them. These “men” do not. They are insecure and the ability to manipulate women gives them a false sense of power and security. Rather than recognize their vulnerabilites and own up to them, they live in fear that they may not be constantly needed and loved. Ironically, their twisted and unfaithful behaviors will prevent them from ever being able to give or receive true love. In that way, despite how low we may feel (or have felt) during this process, we will come out on top in time. At least we, eventually, will be able to experience an honest, REAL love relationship when the right man comes along. They will only continue to live secretly in frustration, pain, fear, and self-hatred unless they suddenly wake up and realize that their behavior hurts themselves as well as all of the women in their lives. I’m pretty sure the odds of this happening are slim to none though, and I personally didn’t have the patience to wait around and find out 🙂
I’d never’ve thought that he’d end up hurting me with a girl my own age. I thought it’d be his relationship with his girlfriend that’d be the knife through my heart.
I don’t want to break NC, but I want to ask wtf was going on, why did he ignore me and why did he carry on the charades in front of me! Or, if he geniunely hadn’t seen me in the club on Friday night, I want to know whether that is his usual night out behaviour, and whether he was doing that while we were still seeing each other.
Probably.
And what’s with this idea that being unable to enjoy your own company and having low self-esteem will attract these w*****s?? Fair enough, but can someone please tell me a quick fix to become someone who is happy in their own company and has high self esteem? I can do an OK job of faking it, but I don’t think I’ll ever really be happy without the reassurance of others… is it not an aspect of one’s personality? Something inherited that cannot be removed with any amount of effort?
I digress.
Oh crap.
He txtd me a joke msg yesterday.
I’ve just txted him about him being out on Fri night ”How did a scruffy sod like you get in the club on Fri 😛 x” and he replied ”How very dare you! x”
In other words, he knew I was there and he doesn’t care any more.
How crappy. He’s obviously moved on and found a replacement.
I’m feeling vengeful and want to inform his girlfriend…
burgled, Don’t do a thing. Oh brother, just let him go. The more you drag it on the more your going to set yourself up for more heartache. The only thing you will do is make yourself look like an idiot. He sounds like a total ass. Don’t even lower yourself to his level. Rise above this! Life has more to offer. Volunteer with habitat for humanity, or fund raisers with MS or Arthritis. Do something to make yourself proud of you and rise above all this drama. You have a life, make the best of it. Like that song. Live like you are dying. Just get out there do anything you would not ever do normally. Go Karaoke alone with strangers, ride a grocery cart, realize there is more to life then him.
I too was invloved with a married man. If you are still involved with a married man, I say “RUN” as fast as you can. He may believe “at the time” he is in lve with you but res assured he is not, and he is just using you. When you question when will you leave your wife and his response is you know I have to get my shit together and this is not happening any time soon, PLEASE get OUT then.
Take it from me I was filled with lies,lies, lies. Everytime I wanted to end the relationship he would cry and tell me he loved me. His wife just found out about us and I feel bad for her. He told me he didn’t want to be with her anymore but he was afraid of what his grown childern would think of him. I can tell you this, it has only been 2 days since this happend and I feel really bad about myself, I am smarter and better than that. Again, I feel bad for the wife. I know if I was married and my guy had an affair on me I would kick him to the curb!!!!
Never again!!!!!!!
Ladies, finding out about MM and wife buying the house, shattered me. That was the last time. I have so much resentment for the two of them, I think they deserve one another. I hope one day I will laugh when she realizes that he really doesn’t love her and she is aware that she took him back so he wouldn’t be with me. Buying that house was like putting a band aid on a knife wound. Realistically, who goes and purchases an expensive house where the 2 will be struggling with 5 kids to get by, unless it is out of haste and guilt.Well, anyway, I try to think how pitiful my life would have been with the crazy wife and him with 5 kids. I have one. I’m not saying that I do not like kids but I would be in a very sacrificing position, especially for my son. Things happen for a reason and maybe I should be counting my blessings. I hope in the future I can send them a thank you card. His day will come, that I am certain of. As far as she goes, one day she may stop living in denial and get some respect for herself. Unfortunately, I guess she was trying to fool herself when she said she was the rock and foundation for her family. That MM was never her soulmate and that she was divorcing him. She even told the kids, moments after I called her. She called me desperate. That was a desperate move on her part to demean his character in front of his children. On another Blog, they referenced her a Bad Mother for doing that. Ok I got it off my chest. Thanks Ladies! I needed to get it out. Any thoughts???
Hello ladies,
It’s been a long time since I wrote on this site. 9 months ago I started seeing the MM again since he offered comfort and seemed to care for me plus he said he was going to divorce his wife by the summer. A few months earlier, we had broken it off over some miscommunication that lead to him seeing another woman. He said he had broken it off with her and wanted to see me again. Over the last 9 months, we communicated only while at work, and never after hours or weekends eventhough I called him sometimes during those times. This relationship was so strange. It got to the point where we only talked once a week and met once every other week during the day. Asking him to meet me in the evenings and weekends was useless. Well ladies, if he won’t make time to see you any time, any hour, any day, then he doesn’t respect or care for you. He is only looking to fill a void in his marriage. This MM had told me he was divorcing his wife this summer and when I asked what he’s done to prepare for it, he said nothing yet. That tells me it aint happening. Lies to keep me interested all this time. I finally told him 2 weeks ago that I was tired of filling a void in his marriage. He denied I was filling a void, probably like they all do. I told him I’m done with married men and he said “ok”. That’s it. just ok. No drama. Wow, do I feel like I was used. That was 2 weeks ago and I haven’t communicated one word with him. Neither has he. I feel so much happier now. I feel like my world is open to so many opportunities like having fun with other people. Good riddens to him and I hope he continues to live his miserable life of cheating.
Ladies, with all the single guys out there and all the fun to be had, why are we wasting our time with these attached men? Join “meetups.com” and have fun meeting new people and don’t ever settle for MM again.
Like a great big weight lifted off your chest! What makes one feel better is it’s all out in hte open now.
If a wife keeps her husband who cheated on her for almost 3 years she must be just as weak as he is!!!
I can see if he cheated just one time, this is a mistake, but to carry on is NOT!
I found this sight yesterday and I can’t believe I’m not alone. I started seeing my MM 6 months ago right after I seperated from my husband. I never thought that I would ever be in this situation. I’m young, beautiful and have so much to offer a man, that I can’t believe I allow myself to stay caught up with an unavailable man. I do love him and I feel like he loves me but to be honest if he loved me the way that I love him, then he would be with me right now. I know in my head that he will never leave his wife but my heart tells me different. I want to let go but honestly don’t know how to. HELP! I want to let go soooo bad. I have told him several times that I can’t be with him anymore and he just comes on stronger and I allow him back in to my life.
Hi I see I am at the right place. I recently almost three months ago left my husband for a married man. How dumb. He told me he was falling in love with me two weeks ago and him and his wife had their 10 year anniversary friday. Well things didnt go to good. He came to my work saturday. I dont know what happened but i know his wife still dont know about us but his whole attitude has changed with me. Its as though we have grown apart. In only a week. Its like his feelings are less. I guess i dont understand. I told him last night that i was having a hard time dealing with this, that i really liked him and wanted to be with him. He made excuses of course about his retirement, and etc. Its hard because I was in a abusive realtionship with my husband. I never thought i would get out of until i met this married guy hoping to be with him. Now i am sitting here alone. I feel as though i am only a piece of ass. I guess i just have so many emotions with my divorce and now knowing I will never be with this other guy who i have everything in common with and he basically has all the traits of man that i always wanted like he is also very affectionate. I am emotionally wrecked. So if anyone could give me some advice i would appreciate it.
WALK AWAY!!! None of them are worth your efforts….
Hey Everyone:
I just found this sight on Monday. I wrote a comment for the first time yesterday. I’m not sure what happened lastnight but when my MM broke plans with me yesterday, I became very angry and basically have let him go. I refuse to be the back burner and I will only allow someone in my life that appreciate’s me and the time I give him, not the time he gives me. I deserve someone that can be available. I didn’t call him back lastnight like I would have and this morning I answered on the 2nd call he made but I told him that I would talk to him later and have a great day. I’m feeling really good about my decision and I hope that I can continue to walk away. Please remind me that I’m absolutely doing the right thing. We all deserve more!
Hi Been There 🙂
I just want to thank you for all of your continued support even after you’ve made it through the depression. I have printed two of your very truthful comments and have read them about 3 times today and will continue to read them everytime I feel compelled to call him. I printed a sentence and have it sitting in front of me on my computer because I do not want to give anymore of my heart. I am fighting for me. The sentence you typed was “Not with a man who ignored my pain that he put on me, broke my heart and made me cry.” Thank you soooo much and I know there is going to be a rocky road ahead but HE DOESN”T DESERVE ME OR MY LOVE ANYMORE! I will not give in to him or take any less than I deserve.
Thanks Again and I would love to hear your comments and encouraging words again.
Girls, Hasn’t it been one of the most heart felt pain you have ever encountered? If something is this painful, it needs to stop. It is not terminal where we have no control. We have the cure. The cure is to walk away and learn a lesson. Remember, there is no man who is worth a broken heart and the one that is would never break your heart. Be strong! I fight my sadness every day but it does get easier as time goes on. There will be set backs at times and there is no time stamp to when you will be healed. just ask yourself, unless you are with him at the exact moments and are happy, how do you feel when he goes. And it is constant. Let them and there pathetic wives live in denial and pain. It is he who is so miserable and does not have the courage. Misery enjoys company. Do not let him have your loving heart.
Liza:
You are absolutely right. They don’t deserve our loving heart. I let my MM go on Tuesday and I’m looking at it as a game. My sweetest revenge is going to be getting over him. I will no longer make love to him, wait around for him or wait for his phone calls. I’m going to start dating, taking my son to the beach and just enjoying my life. I was soooo miserable and depressed when I was worried about him coming around or calling. I know it’s not going to be easy and I know I’m going to be depressed but since I’ve told him, I feel a complete release and I have even seemed happier. He is the one going to suffer in the end because he has to go back to a life that he strayed from in the first place. I get the last laugh. I get to be happy and girls getting over him will be torture and the sweetest revenge. He’s called a couple times but I told him that I’ve released him from my heart, he doesn’t belong to me, he is not my man and I am not his woman. Please go home to your wife and I’m moving on with my life. I feel like I’m free from suffering. Do not allow these men to control our future.
One more thing. We continue to ask ourself “why don’t they choose me or why doesn’t he want to be with me?” Honestly ladies, we are the winners in the end. If they can lie to their wives and cheat, then they will definitely do the same to us. We may be hurting now and we may not see a light at the end of the tunnel but we’ll also be saving ourselves from future heart ache and suffering from being cheated on later. If he chooses you over his wife, then keep in mind, that when they cheat on us and they meet another OW, they will also leave us in the future. We are the one’s that will come out happier, while they go back to a marriage built on lies and deceit. They’re doing us a favor by choosing their wife over us. Look at the situation as they want us but can’t have us.
Do you really think they care?????? They are spineless…. They deserve to stay in their so called hell!
I’m feeling so freeking angry!!! My MM is alone tonight and tomorrow, wife & kids away…ideal opportunity to at least MSN (we’re long distance), maybe talk on the phone…christ, even text freely! But I just log in online to find him there with a message saying he’s “too busy to talk tonight”. WTF??!!! What the hell is the matter with that asshole? It’s like he enjoys playing with my feelings somehow.
If a boyfriend behaved like this I would be considering showing him the door….why is it different with these MM? Why do we put up with it?
Two weeks ago, the last time we had sex, I felt almost overcome with emotion…I’d never experienced anything like it before in my life….a total connection, total love – hard to explain. And since then, I thought things were going good, I was feeling kind of settled in my role of OW…and now I’m all up and down again. I hate myself for crying (again), what’s wrong with me? I’m angry with him, and angry with myself – because I know deep down, this is just something else to happen and I’ll still carry on seeing him (on his terms, when it suits him).
DJ,
I am so pleased to hear that I could of helped you. To be honest the strength you show on your posts, sounds like you have done this all on your own. That is exactly what needs to happen to move forward. Realizing the truth about MM and what an unhealthy relationship it truly is, is a huge eye opener and a huge step forward. When I was still with my MM and posting on this site, ( this site had other post on it that are no longer up). The girls on there were just like me. Boy we all believed that our MM were different from other MM. That our MM truly are in love with us and they are truly wanting to leave their wives and be with us. One girl in particular boosted so often how her MM was different. Like, he was better then our MM. I would read her posts all the ups and downs she had with him. How they would meet make love then she would not hear from him or able to reach him weeks on end. She found out about family vacations, jewelry bought for wife. Yet she would always say how he was better then our MM. He loved her, ours used us. Her MM was not any different at all. My MM was not different. They all used us. They all manipulated us. Pretty much because we let them. Her posts helped me see my MM was just as manipulative as her MM. I was blinded from reality exactly the same way she is so blinded about her man. This site has been amazing for me and others. Im very grateful for this site. The first few months are rocky after you leave MM. No contact at all. NONE! No one last goodbye or anything. Move on. Your life is what your making of it. You sound so strong. Sometimes I am sure you don’t feel so strong, but you are. The rest of your life should not be with someone who makes you cry. But with someone who wants to make you feel priceless. I hope you continue to post your ups and downs. You have some awesome advice to share. You are sure pointing out and giving some great advice. You have come along way. Thank God you realized your better then he is now. And not have gone on dealing with his manipulative crap for years like most of us have. You are an amazing woman. Stay strong, stay positive and focused on you!
So Stupid,
If you already decided to “settle in as the other woman” then sit back and take crap that your allowing him to dish out to you. After all your post your MM sounds like he has no intentions of divorcing any time soon. And if/when he does. Why would you want to marry someone like him? You deserve so much better in your life. Maybe give us a little more enfo on how often you get to see him, what he does to make you feel so loved. If your going to settle down as his OW then this is the life you are choosing for yourself. Your post seem to be of you waiting for a text or a call from him. You have a life you should enjoy it and live it. But that has to be all your doing. You need to fulfill your life, and do things in your life for you. Not for someone else. Your always going to be 2nd best if you settle in as his OW. Maybe even 4th if he has kids. You should not allow yourself to wait for great amazing sex by a man who could care less to talk with you. You seriously need help in focusing on you. If you have choose to “settle” notice that key word. Then you should understand this is your relationship that you settled for. This is what it is about. You wait for a call, you wait for a text, you wait to see him again. You should not settle for that! Stand up for yourself and don’t settle for any one. You deserve a man who will support you and that would want to have open communication and share his life with you. Every minute of his life!
OH DJ one more thing.
To walk away is a huge slap on the face to them. They are stuck in the same relationship and we became stronger woman. My MM still has a way of looking me up and trying to contact me after all this time. I could careless! He is still living his life that still sucks. I learned a great deal about past mistakes, about myself and who I am and moved forward. I think its so sad he still thinks about me. He has not changed at all. Sad. Of course I think of him too in a way, that is why im still on this site to help others. Not to let it happen to me again. I don’t miss him. I don’t think of what could of been and things like that at all. I don’t think of the past just admitting to past mistakes is why I think of him and help others on this site.
I’m actually to a point where when MM comes up in conversations with friends, I can laugh him off (and laugh at my own mistakes), dismissing him as merely a bad “phase” I went through. I have moved on to dating someone else, a childhood friend of mine who I dated previously but did not appreciate fully at the time. I’ve realized that the dramatic, crazy, lusty excitement of my relationship with MM was destined to burn out quickly, and that I am much happier spending my time with someone who I trust- even though the romantic chemistry developed at a much slower pace. It’s just so great to be with someone where if he isn’t able to return my calls right away, I know it’s because he’s working or exercising or something- not with his wife. Nothing about our relationship has to be hidden from anyone. I am always welcome to come over to HIS place and even (gasp!) spend the night if I want to. But first and foremost, we are friends who have nothing but the greatest respect for each other. I can be myself around him, an equal to him… and not some dolled-up, overly generous version of myself who puts my desires on hold in case he should need me to do something for him. When he tells me a compliment, he actually MEANS it… he’s not just covering his tracks or trying to manipulate me somehow.
I’m not saying that finding a new guy to date after MM should be the solution to anyone’s problems. Love yourself first, always, above ANY man. However, having a relationship that is based on friendship rather than passion has been a refreshing and a healthy change for me. And whether I stay with my new guy or not, I feel like I am finally showing MYSELF the respect and love I deserve.
YOU LADIES ARE INCREDIBLE!! I printed out the latest blogs and took it home to read and try to figure out WHAT THE HECK AM I DOIN!!! Although readin alot, I have not ran across a siyuation like mine- which BUMMS me out! I relate to the love for this MM and all BUT he seems different. YES i know he will never leave cuz he is a punk but HONESTLY I dont want him to cuz i would not want to live the way his wife does-IN TOTAL DOUBT!! She has found out several times and He still lives in the home. Guess they patch things up. We have NEVER discussed her or his familey. He will mention his kids, sisiters and his mother but WE FOCUS ON US WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER. He already wasting my personal time, I sure in heck dont want to be wasting out time together listening to him lie about his plans with her. So I dont ask and he dont tell. By the way it will be 4 yrs. this Dec. WOW!! and im still the sideline *oe! Ive left before but went right back cuz he is my security blanket. I look forward to his textes! Which go on all day and nite. I never know when he is home cuz we are always talkin. Dont know. Well when i have more time Ill fill you guys in on my story. But im at work and got alot to do. Thanks for welcoming to this site!!
PS I came to get help to RUUNN!!!
In Limbo-
You may not believe me at first, but even though your story is probably very different from every other story as far as the details go, the main story is probably exactly the same. He’s married, he’s not leaving her for you even though he makes you feel like he likes/loves you more, you know you deserve better and should leave him but it’s hard to let go. Four years is a really long time, and it’s going to be especially hard for you to walk away! But here’s what I hear you saying:
1. You know he won’t leave her, and it’s wasting your personal time.
2. Even if he did leave her for you, you wouldn’t want to end up living like his wife does- in total doubt.
3. You’re tired of him lying to you about his plans.
So it seems like whether you are his girlfriend, or even if one day you became his wife, this guy is a liar and not someone to be trusted. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think it is possible to truly love someone you can’t trust. And you’ll never know if I liar means it when he tells you he loves you.
But he does give you one thing: attention. When we are lonely it is easy to choose attention from a lying, selfish, cheating man over having no attention at all.
So I think that for you, what I see is that your relationship is less than you deserve and it is not going to improve… but after 4 years, it has become a sort of “bad” habit. You may hate it, and you may want to get rid of it, but without it you are going to have to go through a lot of work and pain until you find a new, healthier way to get the attention you want. See if you can think of positive ways to get attention from people BESIDES him. Or shower yourself with attention. Take that personal time he was using up and spoil yourself, then go have a night out with your girlfriends. Getting away from your MM is HARD, I’m not going to lie!!!!! But once you’ve gotten through the first couple weeks of thinking that you are going to die without him, you will bounce back feeling more alive than ever. I PROMISE YOU. You can do it, and we are all here to help you! Don’t waste another second of your life on him 🙂
Very well said sharmuta, That was great advice.
Limbo you say the time that the two you spend together you focus the time on you two. Well Im sure he loves that. Who wants to discuss something that won’t ever happen like leaving his wife. My MM was the same in that aspect for a year or so. We never talked about his leaving or his marriage. We just enjoyed the time together until I finally felt I needed some answers. Your MM won’t talk about it because he will have to lie and find some excuses to tell you. Lie’s and excuses tend to come with a time limit. Like I will when the kids get just a bit older, or I will leave when she signs the divorce papers. Question for all OW. How often did you hear they are just waiting for her to sign the papers. Or the Lawyer has the papers BUT. So after time goes on then he has to find a lie to cover up his other lie and so forth and so on. He is happy and content having you wait for him just as you are. Why bring the topic up? The truth he is still married and has no intentions on leaving. Why screw up a good thing. But come, on 4 years! You have wasted 4 years of your life for him. What has he done in that time to show you that he is going to make a commitment to you. Like a whole lot of other blogs wrote on here. Everyone thinks their man is different. Yours sounds just the same as all of ours. You just need to open your eyes to see the truth.
THAT’s EXACTLY WHY IM SO GLAD I HAVE FOUND THIS SITE!! After reading sharmuta and beenthere- You guys are exactly right!! I didnt see it for that. Ever since i found out about his marraige I GUESS I DO TRUST him- TRUST HIM TO LIE!! So we all see trust differently. Trusting and Believing someone are two different things. I trust him to lie but believe that he does love me. Sick I know!! I 28 yrs old and i know i have a better future BUT I CANT GET AWAY!! I crave this man every moment of my waking days. The sad thing is he dont shower me with gifts, he dont make promises he cant uphold, he doesnt talk bout a future with me. I stay because i love the feeling i have when he is around. We are together at least every day. If its for a hug or conversation he makes a moment out of everyday to ensure he is thinkin of me. YOU ARE RIGHT “BAD HABIT” We have done this so long that i expect it everyday. I recently let my “baby daddy” move in- and not only did i need support in the home to raise our daughter and to help wit the bills but DEEP DOWN its like my own revenge to him. AND its workin. Mayb that will drive him crazy and move on OR maybe he will play along. It is a game! Im willing to play as long as he wants. Ill eventually step but now i feel like pay back but still keep him close. Give him a dose of his medicine. ITS KILLING HIM- textin me early in the mornings-cant sleep, tossin-N-turnin HAHA. I feel bad for being so devious but what the heck. Well loves I thank you for your feed back and wishing you guys the best!! Smooches!
I totally understand what you’re feeling ‘In Limbo’, but remember that negative attention is still attention, my dear. It’s totally normal to be angry with him and to want revenge, but really… he won’t realize what he’s lost until you are really, truly over him and out of the picture. Even though it feels pretty great to know that you are finally able to make HIM jealous, he’ll probably see it as you trying to pressure him into making the decision to be with you. After 4 years, he would have made the choice to be with you if that is what he really wanted. It’s sad and a sickening thing to realize, and I’m sorry that you spent 4 years being patient with this man who did not care for you as much as you did for him. It’s an awful feeling. But using this energy to try to make him realize what he’s missing is not going to have any long-term effects. You have a right to be extremely angry with him… just try to use this extra energy to move FORWARD with your life, instead of keeping your energy focused on HIM. It takes time to get to that place though, so be patient with yourself. Best of luck to you!
You say all the right things! How long as it been for you? You seem so smart and its obvious that you have been there, done it and living it! Im too much of a wimp to feel the hurt that I kno is coming. I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL PAIN! I love the feeling that i have at the moment. Is it wrong to hang on for those reasons? Im sure you goin to say “The longer I wait the more pain Ill endure”. Maybe, maybe Not! I still enjoy outings with friends and occasionally date but never nothing serious. I work two jobs and been raising my daughter so I pretty much stay busy so I dont have the time to mope around and be concerned what he is doing. Dont get me wrong I have my days. I could sit all day and make excuses for him and why im with him but the bottom line is IM LOST! I will continue to seek wisdom from this site and hopefully one day I can post that i got the nerve to endure the heartache AND HAVE NOT LOOKED BACK!! Thanks a Bunch for your insight on my WRECKED SITUATION!!
I recently found this sight and thought that I truly had my situation figured out. But I had a slip up. I saw my MM on Friday and I wasn’t strong enough to stick to my decision. But I want to admit to my mistake and move on. One thing I have to realize is that being hard on myself will not change what happened. I will say that finding this site has been extremely beneficial and I know that I will get past this. I have seen a change in my pattern of depression already. This is the first week that I’ve only shed tears 1 day. I have more strength then I give myself credit for and I know that he is not essential to my happiness. I will only find happiness in myself. I know that we feel lost and completely out of control of our thoughts and emotions but we need to continue to read eachothers comments and grow from this experience. This is one of the hardest life lessons that I’ve ever experienced and I know in my heart that I have to let him go. My aunt is visiting me and I am flying home to visit family for 9 days. I’m looking forward to the break and I’m going to break free from this experience. I read comments from the woman that have broken free and I know that it’s possible. I will be happy again and it will be because I’m happy with myself. There is not a man out there that can make you happy unless you’re happy with yourself. We deserve to feel wanted, appreciated and we deserve someone that will make us a priority. I honestly feel that no one deserves to be a priority if we are not their priority. I will make it through this. Ladies we will make it through this and they will continue to be selfish and unhappy.
Been There:
I want to thank again for your comments to me about strength. I was very upset with myself that I went back on my word when I saw my MM on Friday but I know in my heart that it happens but I have to remain strong and firm with my decision. I have made some progress but I need to know if you had slip ups.
In Limbo- The pain is not going to enter your life BECAUSE you broke up with him. The phase that comes after the break-up only SEEMS more painful because that’s when we finally let the truth hit us. I think there is an expression along the lines of “It is better to cry from the truth than to smile from a lie.” I know for me, I had about a day of relief after knowing I was getting rid of the pain he was causing me… but I felt the most pain post-break up when I realized that I was the one largely responsible for putting up with such an immoral and degrading relationship. The pain was something I was pushing on myself because I felt so stupid, embarrassed, immoral, etc. So I guess the hardest part for me was forgiving myself for staying in the situation as long as I did (only 6 months, thankfully!). Once you commit to staying away from him, the pain he was causing you will be gone (though the memories of it may take a little longer to fade away). The next wave of pain is going to be in recognizing that you let yourself be used and mistreated. Hindsight is always 20/20, so don’t beat yourself up for not having realized things then that you realize in the days/weeks after your break-up. Forgive yourself, and see this experience as a very valuable lesson learned. You may have a couple weeks of really, really feeling hurt, but after that you will come out feeling like a wiser, stronger, happier woman than you were back when you were “happily” dating your MM.
DJ- Good luck on your progress, it sounds like you are already doing better and are headed in the right direction! I think you are going to be fine despite your slip-up, because you know that it was only a slip-up and you were able to get back on the right path. I think that spending 9 days exchanging a lot of love and attention with your family is going to be great for you! Have a good trip and take care!
Hello everyone. This site has really helped me. I am getting stronger then I was. I know it is normal to be feeling the way I have been because all of you feel it to. It is so hard and it hurts. I made my mind up the other day that i was done. Well yesterday he called me twice. the first time he left no message the second time he did. He asked if i was not talking. I was really doing good and then later of course I got lonely and called. He said he would call me today. I turned my phone off. I am really trying hard to get away but i cannot believe how hard it is. I feel I am just a piece of ass and only time I am good enough is when its good for him. F*** that. I am trying hard to hold my head up high and not give in. I need some support. Let me know what you all think.
It is better to leave and grieve than be used. Believe me you are being used.
DJ,
Yes I had a few of them. I am not proud of those ignorant moments of my life. One time in the month of June his wife caught us. She called his family to let him know she wants to divorce. The family agreed to have them stay together for one more month like a trial. And in that month MM and I are to have no contact. They wanted MM to have a clear mind on making the “RIGHT” decision. In this time I got phone calls daily weekly from his dad. Who happens to be a pastor of a church. And he would tell me all the time how much his son was in love with me. How he never seen his son so happy as he is with me. How his wife and him always had problems. How he just talked with him and MM is thinking about me as much as I was him. Well even his dad started to pray with me and tell me the he ( the dad) loved me and he will call again in a few days to check in on me. So one day I think I had enough and I told his father not to call me any more. So for 3 weeks I started to date someone who had liked me for several months. We dated and had some fun times. But MM came up with some plan and at the time I did not realize. He and his son came to visit me for a weekend. He had his son call me almost nightly to tell me how his parents are divorcing and how he is happy that I will be with his dad. We went kayaking to amusement parks together. So I ended it with the guy I started to date and went back to MM. In Aug wife found out. MM told wife I dated and slept with someone else so she took him back feeling sorry for him. I was made out to look like a huge tramp. He said to me he couldn’t trust me. Can you believe in this. He blamed me for that. What an ass. And in the mean time. He and his wife were never getting a divorce they had fixed things back in JUNE! So the dad and his son was just a ploy to get me back. Then I went back again in a story above you can read it. I took him back thinking once again he was divorcing because he moved out of the house to a whole other state. You can read it in the story above. So yes I did a few times leave. But when I did finally leave. When I felt I deserved so much more then this. I was done. I changed emails, cell phones, the whole thing. I was not going to let him say or text one more lie to me to wing me back. They know you come running back. So LIMBO up there. The games are first off really immature. There should never be any type of manipulation or mind games to get anyone. If someone truly cares they would just be there. So what if he gets jealous. So what. Why would you want that? You should be in a healthy relationship. Not with games. He knows your going to stay anyway’s. As for going back. It took a few huge slaps in my face before I finally had the rose colored glasses whacked off my face. Just realize. The more you go back to him after you break up. The more he has control over you. Read everything at the top of this page. NML has it right to the point. Game playing is on there. As a half hearted attempt to leave. I had set backs that took me almost a whole half a year of my life that was wasted on this jerk. Oh and dating right away. That only makes you compare to MM. So you don’t want to do that. You will start thinking how you miss MM when you are dating someone else. As for the great guy I had started to date. He was so nice and had liked me for some time. I think about how I really messed things up with that. He has an incredible job, he and I would laugh, this guy pushed me to do things I would never attempted to try. He was encouraging and supportive. he was so handsome and treated me to the nicest places. I blew it. He just got married. He sent me a picture of him and his wife. They look great together. I totally blew it with that guy. Because I went back to MM. MM totally controlled and manipulated my life. I let this other great man slip right away. Did I love MM. Once I would of said yes. Now I say no . Because I have no clue to who he truly was behind the lies. To fall in love with someone you have to know them truly with out hidden agendas, hidden family’s, Your MM is false. He is not a real man around you. He dosent have to help pay bills this means you will never nag about bills, You don’t have to always remind him to pick up his clothes off the floor or wash his clothes, You aren’t the one so tired from running the kids around and work all day then have to cook his dinner then clean up his dishes, You are not the one who sees him procrastinate painting the house, Your not the one he takes to his moms and dads for dinner, your not the one he celebrates his children’s birthday party’s with. You are not the one He sleeps with every night. Your not the one he takes on vacations, Your not the one he calls when he needs to see a Dr. This is his REAL LIFE! He shares problems at work with her too like us. He makes love to her in the shower like us. He calls her to say hi like he does with us. OPEN YOUR EYES! If he runs from normal marriage problems now and cheats. What makes you think he will change anything when he marry’s you? He has you to where he knows no matter how shity he treats you. You will always come running back.
It’s such a relief to have found this site. I am 30 years old and just trying to pull myself out of a seven-month affair with a 55-year-old married grandfather of two grandkids who he claims are the reasons he cannot leave his wife and grown up daughters. I met this guy through my job and he lives away from home in the city I work for the week but goes home for the weekend. We have been friends for close to three years but both of us knew we were more than just friends since more than a year ago. He seemed like my soulmate but no soulmate would take my life and treat it like bag covering a packet of chips. He knows how much he has broken my heart yet everytime he tries to meet me, I will jump to it and go meet him because I feel I need to see him to feel happier. Yet, when I do meet him, I disintegrate into tears and he can see exactly how much he has destroyed my life, yet keeps wanting to see me. How can he do this if he knows what it is doing to me. He, like every other MM, tells me his marriage is crap and he and his wife are not close and never have sex but he never has sex with me either so I wonder is he getting it elsewhere. The first time we made love in seven months was last week and it was beautiful at the time but hell aftewards because of the pain. I have renewed vigour this weekend that I am not going to bow to his every need anymore, partly becasue I was at a friend’s wedding this weekend and realised my dad will never give me away to anyone if I don’t cop on and forget about this man. what can I do to move on?
So I was reading this great book called “Eat, Pray, Love” and came across this passage on the idea of what a “soul mate” is. Due to the incredible drama that takes place in a MM/OW relationship, I think a lot of us talk our selves into believing that it must be worth all the pain because our connection to this person is so strong. We can cope with the situation a lot better, I think, if we convince ourselves that our love with this person is stronger than any love we will ever know and that they must be our “soul mate.” Otherwise, we wouldn’t still be so attracted to them after all of the pain. In a way, maybe they are a “soul mate,” just in a different way than we thought. I’ll just quote some of the chapter (48) here:
“People think a soul mate is a perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. [His] purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so a new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform you life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump, baby- you’re just lickin’ at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.”
“But I love him.”
“So love him.”
“But I miss him.”
“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it.” … [There’s another paragraph here]
“But I wish me and [him] could…”
He cuts me off. “See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing our wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”
*He cuts me off. “See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ougtta be.”
Hello Everyone. I am so glad that I found this website…I thought I was the only person in the world doing this. My situtation is pretty twisted. But either way, it still hurts. I have been with my boyfriend for alomost 10 years and I am in a situation with another man who is married. I think he is the type looking for someone who is already taken so that I don’t get attached to him. My MM works in the same office as me. I noticed him right away and of course I stayed clear. I heard him talking about his three kids and wife one day. He emailed me one day out of the blue (never really spoke to him). He started flirting with me BIG time. So things got pretty intense over email. Well then the texting started. Well one day on my way home, I called him and he wouldn’t even answer the phone. ( I was sick of texting, it is kinda hard when you are driving). Later he said that he didn’t answer because he didnt want to get too close. I guess I really just wanted good sex. Anyway, I have tried several times to stop talking to him, but he always manges to email me and ask how I am doing. He tells me that he misses me. Well we ended up having sex (one time) during lunch in my car. He said that I could not even kiss him because that is too personal…I mean I guess it is OK if he has sex, but no kissing?? What the hell?? So I figured that the sex is not ever going to be that good anyway if all we are going to do is go to lunch for quickies with no kissing or any other kinda touching. Well anyway I wanted more in the sex department…so after the one time sex affair he stopped talking to me…I was fine. Then of course he starts emailing me and texting me again!! I mean he was obssessed. He would tease me…tell me that we were going to do it and then we don’t. I can tell he wants to. Anyway he says that he is happily married. This has been going on for 2 months and I have been a complete ass to my current BF and everyone around me. My work production is going down and life just seems shitty. Yesterday we were supposed to have a lunch together. Well he never emailed me. He came up to my cube one time to see how I was. He looked so damn hot. Anyway he never emailed and here I am today at work and still no email. Thank goodness I did not email him. I am never going to reply to his emails again!! I told him several times to back off and he did not. He continues to sexually tease me…I don’t get this guy. Why does he even email me??? He does not want to have sex again, but still flirts with me all day and teases me…
He flirts with you and teases you because it is an immature but easy way for him to feel adored. That is, when you give him attention in return. Guys like him have some serious insecurities within themselves and using great women like you gives them a false sense of power and confidence. The fact that he has the power to be married and get sexually pleased on the side (and he doesn’t even have to pretend like he’s emotionally interested in you!) is nothing more than an ego boost for him. Trust me, this man is out to please himself- he does not care about you as anything more than a sex object! You were right to try avoiding him. Stick to it. If he keeps up, inform him that you will go to your supervisors regarding his “sexual harassment.” Save his emails, just in case. Give him a chance to back off first though. Don’t do anything to let him think there’s a chance of you two reconnecting. It’s in your best interest!
As for your relationship, I think the biggest reason you may consent to sex with some other man purely for “really good sex” is because there is a spark missing in your current relationship. But your BF has already stood by your side for 10 years, so my guess is he has a lot of good qualities. Take the energy you are wasting on worrying about MM and see if you can figure out what needs to be repaired in your current relationship. Good luck!
I’ve been having an affair with this man at my job for almost 2 1/2 years now. He was engaged at the time when we had our first sexual encounter. I was single and very much attracted to him but didn’t know that he was committed to someone till weeks later. But that didn’t take away my admiration for him.. his calm demeanor, his hardworking/drive at his job, his humbleness, his sense of humor, his sexiness. We have mild flirtations at work, smile at each other, compliment each other until he decided one day to ask me to dinner. Looking back, I didn’t realize it was a date. It didn’t cross my mind that he intended to pursue me since he was already engaged to someone else. Something about him appeals to me. Maybe he was taken.. maybe I liked his attention.. maybe it was something different. I am not sure but I felt that we had a special connection. We had great chemistry, our conversation flows, same sense of humor…even our silences was understood. I am not sure if he felt the same but probably more so of an ego boost/validation for him. I am quite vague of how the affair started but I do remember it took about almost 2 weeks of exhausting debate( my reluctance and his endless “logical” arguments) that I eventually I caved in. He came over to my place one evening, had a glass of wine and one thing led to another. He even got married a couple of months later. He came back from his honeymoon to be even more aggressive with his sexual advances towards me which I was really surprised thinking that marriage would save him. There were a few times where he didn’t want to continue anymore (guilt) and there was a time that I had to stop our sexual affair because I was dating someone serious. But it is the dysfunctional and sexual attraction that couldn’t keep our hands off each other for long. It ‘s the forbidden relationship and the binded trust that draw us together. He trusts me for I am emotionally mature, I don’t ask anything from him, responsible sexually, I respect him as a colleague, protecting his job, protecting my image at work, I take extra precautions with phone calls, texting, emails (mostly due to my paranoia neurosis).. which kept the affair going without any complications. Do I feel shame and guilt? Yes. Am I a horrible person? No. As we do say, it does take TWO TO TANGO.
Sharmuta
It’s so awesome to see how strong you have become. Your eyes are wide open and aware of the manipulations of MM. Loved your post. Great advice.
Hi sharmuta. Thanks for your insight. It is Monday morning and still no email. I think he finally got the point. I just hope he does not email me anymore. I really do want this weird stuff to end. I do need to spice it up in the bedroom with my current boyfriend of 10 years. It is so hard…I guess I am looking for something different (sexually)…which, I wish I did not feel that way…I wish I could be madly in love with someone and have great sex all the time…but maybe that is just wishful thinking…Anyway, you are right about him using me as a sex toy…there is something odd though…I told MM the first time that he should back of because I am a girl and we are complex creatures and he replied saying that I (meaning me) was afraid of getting too close and I told him that was right. Well he still continued to bother me after that…I think that he wants a different type of life at work and a life at home. This is the first time…three work days in a row that he has stopped emailing me. This is only after I told him that he was a tease and that I was getting mad at him because he didn’t want to go somewhere for good sex. I wish life was a bit easier than this. Anyway I did learn something from all this….just stay away from all this crap. It is far too complicated. And if we are doing this, it means that we may need to find new hobbies in our lives or something! I will just stick to pleasuring myself and fantasying…maybe trying to spice things up with my man…gezzzzz…I hope I don’t see him today!! I think it will make me weak all over again!!!
Hello again…i just have to update you guys on the latest. My first blog is 5 blogs up. Anyway, my MM finally emailed me yesterday. We almost made it three work days plus the weekend without speaking.
I can’t tell you how proud I am of myself for staying away. Anyway, he came up to my cube yesterday to say hi, but I was super busy with a co-worker and did not have time to chat. So right away I get an email from him. It said “I was just passing through to say hi.” I emailed him back (damn it!! I broke my rule!!!) Well anyway there were a few emails sent back and fourth. I noticed that every email he mentioned his kids and or wife. So I kept it friendly and casual.
He told me they all went to NYC and had a great time. BUT this is where I thought it got weird!!! After I sent him a nice short email saying that I am glad he got to spend quality time with his wife and kids, he sent me an email with a picture attached!! It was a picture of him and two of his kids in NYC. Why would he send me pics of them???????
I totally played it off. I told him I thought his kids were super cute and that I bet they love their dad and that they would have good memories of NYC. He sent me one last email that said “Who knows. There will be much more for them to enjoy in the future.”Okay, I really need to get some work done. Thanks for chatting!”
That is really weird. First of all, I did not attempt to speak to him first. He is ALWAYS the one that emails me or tries to contact me first….of course I always respond. I really need to NOT respond. It is like, he likes to torture me. It is really odd.
My friend told me something that might help others. She said when you first start a relationship with someone there is a sort of physical reaction your body goes through and you release chemicals in your brain and you are basically in an euphoric high for about 6 months after connecting with the person. If that is the case, then I only have 4 more months to stop thinking about this freak…I can’t wait until I don’t like him anymore…but now I have a freaking picture of him…gezzzz he is soooo cute! I think I need to delete the picture. Why do you think he sent the picture of him and his kids???
Hello Everyone, I am going out yo buy the book”Eat, Pray and Love”. That was such a great passage, Sharmuta. Girls, is there something really the matter with me? I feel like I am moving on then I have setbacks. This past weekend I was @ work (in a fine dining restaurant) and his brother came in with a date to eat. At first I did not recognize him but kept making eye contact, then I finally realized who it was. He paid with a gift certificate from X-mas time made out to MM and wife. Why do I miss him so much? It has been 5 months since everything came to a head. I emailed him and he has never responded. I want to be healed and not think about him anymore but I truely believed we shared a connection. I’ve been hearing some stories about the wife being outspoken and opinionated @ baseball games. The moms think she is a very negative person and he just sits there. Not that this matters, but I also heard she looks like she put on 40-50 pounds since last summer, and she was big to begin with. What is he doing exactly? Help!!!
Liza- Of course there’s nothing wrong with you, except for the situations and thought patterns that you choose to stick with. Same goes for all of us. I still think about my married man too, I still have his pictures on my computer, I still wonder what he’s been up too… Letting go completely just takes time I suppose. I wouldn’t worry so much about the wife. Whether the wife is nobel peace prize-winning supermodel or a total hag makes absolutely no difference in why he is choosing to stay with her. The wife is a symbol of stability in his life, plain and simple. Also, his wife, unlike you, is legally bound to this cheating-jerk of a man- If I were her, I would probably put on 50 pounds and yell a lot too.
I finished that book by the way, it was amazing. I highly recommend it!
SSS- Oh, I would get so angry about the kid thing too! My MM would send me the cutest pictures of his daughter (2 years old) and have me speak on the phone with her all the time. He knew that using her was a straight shot to my heart. The last conversation I had with him he actually put her on speaker phone with us after I had told him that I didn’t want him to talk to me. He would ask her things like, “Is daddy a bad guy?” and she’d say, “no, uh uh” and he’d ask “Is daddy a good guy?” and she’d say, “Uh huh!” in her enthusiastic squeeky cute little voice. I think I replied with “You shouldn’t teach her to lie” and hung up shortly thereafter. Anyway, point being that they can use their kids to show how unconditionally lovable they are and also to kick your nuturing instincts into full gear. When he sees that you’ve quit caring about whether or not he wants and needs you, then MAYBE you’ll still stay with him if the poor kids with the “unfit mother” need you. A cheap and dirty way to give your emotions yet another swift kick in the balls.
BeenThere- Thank you so much for your comment! I am still so grateful to everyone that was willing to share their stories and advice when I was going through my hard times. I feel like even though I am past him, there are still a ton of emotions I am trying to understand better- and continuing to read new OW stories and trying to give advice has really helped me with this. Some problems are just so much simpler and easier to solve when they are happening to somebody else, huh? 🙂 But again, I am sincerely thankful to all of the ladies on here who have shared their insights- there is NO WAY I would have ended up staying away from him without your help!
Oh, good news!: That childhood friend of mine that I mentioned dating about a month ago- the fully available; physically, mentally, emotionally and legally one- I think we REALLY have something going on. I don’t think I’d drop the “L” bomb this early on, but I know that it’s far more than just LUST. We’ve been spending about every other day together and had the most amazing date yesterday. He is sincere and thoughtful and genuinely cares a lot about me.
It’s so different- I’m not sure exactly how to describe it… but it is a million times more real and just “natural” than what I had going on with MM. He seriously cares about my feelings. He is secure with who he is, emotionally healthy, and happy with where his life is at- You wouldn’t believe what a difference that makes! We share a lot of close friends, and I recently met his parents… so I actually KNOW that I can trust him. But I’m not passionately, crazily obsessed with him either!- It’s just…nice. Calm and pleasant. I don’t think I would have wanted a relationship that was just “calm and pleasant” until I had gone through the whole MM fiasco. So I guess in a way, it was meant to happen so I could appreciate the great guy who was right in front of me and within my reach the whole damn time.
In that case- may all of the gratitude in the world go out to my jerk of a MM!!! In the end, the pain he inflicted on me made me stronger, wiser, and brought me joy 🙂 Still not talking to him though…
IVE DONE IT!! Its been a week since i dropped the bomb. Yet we still text one another BUT HAVE HAD NO CONTACT. One step at a time. I feel texting him makes it easier to move on cuz i have always known his words were bull***t. So when we are textin one another I kinda just let it roll off my shoulder. Today he did say ” its been 7 days since ive seen your smile”! I replied ” I know and thats the way i want to keep it” Well needless to say we fussed back in forth about everything. But im okay with it. He had the nerve to say the love he has for me is deep in the heart….HAHAHA So i told him – ” Yea thats why two people get married so I assume this aint your first deep love for someone” OUCH! he didnt like that but hey cheating MM dont like the truth cuz they cant handle it!!
BUT forreal IM SO HURTIN!! Im tryin to stay strong, and this is why i didnt want to leave but its gotta happen. Ive never loved another the way I love him. My story is different on the way we met. He walked in my job AND I FELL IN LOVE. Never spoke to him but I waited for every time he came in to get the nerve to say HI! Never did, just went to work hpoping he would come thru so I could lay eyes on him and smile. A few months of this and I was on my second job and WHO WALKS IN……..HIM my man, my love and it literly took my breathe! Now i had to speak to him cuz I was the only cashier!! He reconized me from job 1 and we talked for 3 HOURS!!! That day I was the happiest person!! So from that point we talked and he became a regular. Now 31/2 years later im still feel the exact way. He brightens my day and thers never a dull moment. Even tho he is 16yrs my senior IM IN LOVE!! Before we became intimate I asked about his status and he told me he was married AND I SWEAR MY FEET LEFT THE GROUND!! I was devastated. Ive never have been the type to mess with another womens man- matter of fact it disgusted me BUT here i am with my foot in that shoe and goin crazy! It was too late, id already loved him and couldnt let him go. I urned for his touch and so at that moment I asked for a hug and we aint let go since. Everyone tells me this is truly a terrible situation cuz we do love one another BUT the more i read on this site we all think our MM loves us.
HELP, i could type for days. Am I really ready to let him go?
Are you ready to let him go? I don’t know, are you ready to show yourself some respect? Are you ready to stop wasting all of your time and energy on someone who uses you (And YES he is using you)? Are you ready to stop feeling all torn-up and guilty for simply LOVING someone? Sweetheart, let me tell you… You would not be on this site if you were not ready for those things!!!
Good job on not seeing him in a week- that is a hard thing to do! Congratulations! Now it’s time for the REALLY hard part- no contact whatsoever. That means NO TEXTING! He’s gotten the point now that you are done. There is no need to tell him anything else.
When something comes to your mind that you want to tell him- say it in a prayer, write it in a journal, write it down on this site- just don’t communicate with him. You put up with his BS for 3.5 years and his marital status has not changed, not even though he “loves” you so much! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY OR DO WILL CHANGE HIM. NOTHING. Save yourself- let him go!
Man that hurts. :’-( Im gonna try.
PS I do write in a journal BUT theres nothing bad in there and it jus reminds me of all the good times weve had. Guess I better delete and start over. I didnt leave cuz he was married and wasnt goin to leave her or he made promises he couldnt keep BUT BECAUSE IM TIRED OF excuses about us. For instance- all ive ever asked for was a GOODNITE every nite- didnt care if it was 6pm when she got home or 1am when he decided to go to bed- but he did it agian last week and i told myself if he cant do that little thing for me than I cant do the biggest thing ever for him and thats stay with a MM!!
And so funny cuz im sittin here (working, I work overnights) and I told him that we could help each other move on by at least texting to say HI and if we need to talk. Everything was good up until today when he wanted to see me and I said NO. Now i aint heard from him! Funny UH? U are right he using me- if i aint seeing him he doesnt want to help me thru this- I SO DESPISE HIS ASS!! Guess he figure id give in by now if he stayed in contact and listen to me cry.
Good job! Keep staying strong- and sorry for the tough love. I think you should keep going with your journal- record the good and the bad! It’s just as important to have learned something about what you want in relationships as it is to have learned what you are never putting up with again. It’s a good thing that you haven’t heard from him. He shouldn’t be the person you go to with your sadness over the breakup- that’s basically just handing him a big opportunity for him to say how sorry he is and how great you are, and he wants to treat you better etc etc. Once you are really, truly free of him you will know that his apologies and promises are worthless and that you have always been and always will be an amazing person whether or not this selfish man tells you so. I know it’s hard to tell someone you really have feelings for that you don’t want them to talk to you, when really you are dying for them to send you a text or something saying how much they miss you. Give it time. Each painful minute that ticks by is a blessing in disguise. It seems awful now, but it really does get easier. Stay strong!
Hey there. I feel llike I have a new life tonight. Posted first on this website on July 13, devastated by my love for a married man who is 25 years older than me and cannot leave his family for me because he is too terrifed of never seeing his grandkids. Last week was a very tough week as we saw each through work a lot and decided to take the chance to go for coffee like we used to do before we began our affair. Big mistake. I roared and cried at him about the pain he has caused me and of course this gave him the opportunity to tell me how much he loves me but can never be with me. As if I needed reminding. And he sat there looking at me while I disintegrated in front of him, and never even reached out to comfort me. On Friday evening, he rang me on his way home to his wife, even though he knows I hate that. When I fired abuse at him for doing that to me, he broke down and I ended up worried about him driving on the motorway while he appeared to be getting some panic attack. Not surprisingly, he made it home to his precious family alive and I didn’t hear from him for the weekend. I was so happy with myself because I didn’t contact him either. And I made it through today not contacting him either but of course, he rang me this evening, now that he is away from his wife for the week agian. But here is the piece I am proudest off – I didn’t take his call and then texted to say I was ok but felt we should give each other space for a bit. He said he was also ok and agreed it was a good idea because conflict between us every day is not good. Screw him, I thought. Trust him to think of the conflict instead of the effect his selfishness is having on me. So I texted back, told him I was glad he was ok too but that part of the reason I want to cut off contact is that I need to ease myself now into the future he has given me and I don’t want his help with it because he is to blame for my difficulties now. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t reply and I have not texted him anymore tonight either, although part of me wanted to tell him later in the night that I still love him. But hang that. I think his daughter is getting married next weekend but he has not had the guts to tell me. Well, he is welcome to all that family stuff. For my part, I am preparing for a date with a new guy on Wednesday – a guy who is single and young and childless. What a relief!
NO TEXTES!!!!!!!! I MISS HIM!! There’s got to be an easier way of doing this. It hurts more now than when I was with him. Makes me want to deal with the excuses to eliminate this NO SLEEP,NO EAT, NO SMILING heartache. This is exactly why i didnt want to break-up. Yea I want my dignity, my respect and most of all i want to be truly loved BUT i aint tryin to go thru this crap. Im sad!! Ive never been saddened by a man before so please excuse my reaction. Never allowed a man into my heart. But im goin to keep tryin and WE are going to get thru this together. THANKS FOR THE TOUGH LOVE!!! Need It!!
CONGRATS Bereft!!! Go on that date and HAVE FUN!!!!
Hey everyone:
I am extremely ashamed but I know that we have to write our ups and downs. I went on vacation had a great time, spent time with family and never really thought about my MM. I came back feeling strong. But of course I gave in again. I’m not sure how to let go. I was married for 10 years and now seperated and I don’t have family where I live so I feel like I have security by being with him but I know it’s false security. Please HELP! I don’t know how to let him go. How the heck are sharmuta (not any more) and been there so strong. HELP!
Hey in Limbo…I know how you feel…I think my MM and me are officially done speaking and it sucks…I haven’t spoken to him since last Thursday. He won’t even come upstairs to speak with other co-workers about work stuff (like he normally does, even before we met). Anyway he is calling them so he doesn’t have to come up…oh well, I am sure that is for the best. I just miss him for some odd reason. I am sure the attraction for him will fade. I just need to give myself some time and know that one day I will be over him. Funny how the human mind works…why can’t we just turn the switch off like men?
DJ – I think you need to keep yourself preoccupied. I know that probably sounds unappealing, but it is true. This sounds like the perfect time for you to discover new things about yourself. Maybe pick up some books, workout, join some kind of women’s club. Something so that you are so satisfied outside of “his” world that you would never even want to go back to “his” world. In the process of doing all these new things, you will most likely bump into the man of your dreams and look back at this and be so glad that you moved on.
well I got my big slap in the face…I knew it was coming….so now that my MM is not talking to me anymore, he is flirting with my friend. He sent her email just like he did to me the first time (trying to instigate) her. So he moved on to the next OW. Well good luck to him becasue she will not do anything with him. She is loyal to her husband. Now I really feel like crap. Of course he would do that. He is a big time player…what was I thinking???? Yuck, self-esteem is not too good right now. I really feel bad for his wife now…I regret what I did…
DJ- So strong? I don’t know about that. Angry and stubborn? Yes. I think when we are at rock bottom there are only two feelings we are experiencing- Sad or MAD. Get the sad out (cry in bed for a few days, etc), then let the anger motivate you. Of course, at my low point, the only action I was motivated to take was to find a way to stab his eyes out with a fork and make it look like an accident. Of course, this is not rational, or realistic, or legal, and probably wouldn’t benefit anyone in the long run. So then I had to think about how I could take all of this anger and pain and channel this energy into something good. I decided to start treating myself as well as I treated the last couple of jerks I’ve dated. I’d cook myself big, elaborate dinners. I’d rent a movie that I would never expect a guy to watch with me. Most importantly, I’d buy myself flowers. Every week. Once I began to realize the metaphor behind the fact that I didn’t need a man to buy me flowers- or do anything else for me, for that matter- I learned that everything I need to experience the happiness and joys of life exists in my own heart already. Does this means that it’s easy all the time and I’m always happy? No- but at least I know that not only do I not need this guy (or any guy) to be content! I have learned how to be a healthy, happy, whole person… and he is just an unhappy, desperate, fragment of a man who must constantly be searching for someone else to “complete” him. When I can see him that way, I can forgive him, pity him, and hope he finds happiness one day; all without hoping for a second that we will ever get back together.
In Limbo- GREAT JOB! This is the hard part! It will only get easier. OH, and this IS the easy way. The hard way is to stick with him for another couple of years and THEN start this “letting go” crap all over again. May as well get it over with now since you’ve already started, huh?
SSS- At least you’re seeing him for who he really is now! Don’t let the guilt get the best of your self-esteem. At least YOU feel guilty while your MM obviously does not, hmmmm… I wonder which of the two of you has better morals?
gosh I am so glad I have found this site, its so easy to feel alone in this situation. But you guys are great
I’m so confused about what to do, my MM and I have only been together a couple of months, but known each other for 5 years. The problem is that he genuinely is a good man and is filled with guilt. Obviously him and his wife are having problems but he doesn’t know if he doesn’t love her anymore and he is so confused. He wants to be with me, and I’m not just a toy, (which is half the problem) yet he wants to try and “fix” the marriage because of the kids……. I so don’t know what to do. We have decided to continue this as we both want to be with each other for now, but i am so scared that one day he will just wake up and want to end it and we will be both into deep to get out without an awful lot of pain.
Man today is another hard day…it actually started out well. But with the work I have been assigned, I am just about to lose it. I think I just need to take off early.
So my MM came up to my cube today. We haven’t seen or spoken to each other for a week. After finding out that he was emailing and flirting with my friend, that kind of did it for me. But why in the heck does he have to come up and be so nice to me??? He asked how I was. Just seeing him, made everything suck again. I swear that he is trying to look even hotter. He got a haircut and is wearing nicer clothing. Is he doing this to me on purpose!! I refuse to give in!!
I was doing so well. Damn it. Oh well…I am still sticking to my plan…no emails or stopping by his cube. For some reason I still wish he would email me…UGH! That is so lame of me. Now I am feeling depressed and can’t focus on my work.
My friend that knows I have the hots for him keeps telling me that he is flirting with her….blah blah blah…good for her….
As you can tell I am a bit bitter. Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully a better one!! Anyway I will just keep thinking about his lovely wife and kids. That is her man and I have accepted that. It is just a shame that I was even attracted to him!! I wish there was a switch you could just turn off. Does anyone know how to avoid thinking about someone so much…HAHA! If that is even possible!!
Thanks in Limbo. Did the date last night and it went well. the guy was lovely, shy and laid back, with no other where to be than be with me. And MM rang in the middle but I had my phone on silent so missed the call. Got a little peck from the date as well and arranged to meet him again in the future. I am so glad I went for it and feel better today. And now I feel stronger too because now it is MM who is suffering because he asked me out straight in a call today where I was last night and I told him, just so he knows we are definitely over. And of course, he was devastated. But he assured me was “glad for you but sad for us.” It’s a shame he couldn’t be sad for us when we were together and decide he could not live without me. Anyway, I have written a book which is due out next month. He is going on hols with his wife for three weeks to her family at the end of this month and had the audacity to ask if the book is being launched after he comes back because don’t you know, he would like to be there. I told him I didn’t want him there as it would be awkward and make me unhappy on my big night. Now, I think he will probably act the martyr about it, and I am happy that I am now in control, instead of the other way around. What would he say if I told him I wanted to be on his hols with him, or his date at a ball that is coming up in the next few weeks. We can’t all have what we want, Sonny Jim, is what I will be saying to him.
And trust me, Sally, we thought we could do what you and your MM are trying to do. But seven months in, it seems like we are trying to wrestle our way out of a marriage, we have become so trapped in this crap. Trust me, the best thing to do is break the habit now. I thought it would be impossible this time last week but now I feel like I never want him to touch me again because I cherish myself more and I feel like my body and my soul is my temple and he has no right to blemish it. Be strong. Because I hate to tell you he will wake uyp one day, no matter how much he loves you, and he will tell you he will not break up his family because of you.
Thanks Bereft I hear what your saying. Its just so hard to let go. I can feel him pulling away because of his guilt but it just makes me hold on tighter. He says one thing in one breath then he obviously gets the guilts and then try’s to cool things down, until the next time. Its an emotional roller coaster, which is so hard to get off.
I need help and support. I have “broken up” with my MM so many times and he always comes back and I always crumble. I am like the boy who cried wolf. He does not even take me seriously anymore when I tell him its over.. I am miserable in this affair but like many others, I am so afraid to really end it. The few times when he actually stayed away and did not call for a while, I was devestated and I think he knows he “has” me. I need this to be over. Any suggestions for a new approach?
I know how you feel Cinner. This time last week I was on a high, looking forward to a date with a new guy and feeling in control of my life. But things took a tumble at the weekend when we kept being in touch even though he was gone home to his wife for the weekend (they live apart during the week). He had a dilemma at work which he didn’t tell me about yesterday until I rang him last night to see if he was ok and I ended up sending a “barrage of anger” in text messge form last night. Now we have sorted things out again and I just know that I will be week and meet him when he comes back to the city for the week. So I have no words of wisdom Cinner, but I think the best option is to not contact him and when you feel you have something you want said to him, write it in a journal. That way, you will have got it out of your system but won’t have contacted him to say it. And later, when you are hopefully stronger, you will bel able to look back at it and say, wow, how I have improved. That is what I have started as of today, I bought a journal with a lovely kitten princess on it to remind me that to my family and friends, I was a princess before this all started and even if K does not love me enough, my family and friends do. And one day, he will no longer be in my life to destroy the relationships I had before i met him.
Thanks Bereft:
Feeling totally crappy because he was supposed to call me today but has not. Ugh. I know he is going away with her for a few days this week too. I really think I hate him so why can;t I just let go? I never thought I would ever let someone treat me the way he does. I can’t call him, he does not have his own cell (they share hers) , work # (she owns a business and he works for her) and they have a common email address. He never tells me exactly what is going on in his life and he expresses interest in mine if he thinks I am dating someone else.
I just don’t get why he won’t let me go. I have told him countless times that this is too hard for me, that I need it to be over and he leaves me alone for a few days and then he either calls or shows up at my house and I am so lonely I can’t resist him and then we are back to the same old cycle. I really need it to be over this time for good and I guess I just have to hope for the strength to turn him down flat and tell him to stay out of my life.
Thanks for the journal suggestion – I actually have tried somethign similar but to no avail. Hoping this site will be a helpful output. Good luck to you and you hit a note in your last line about the destroyed relationships. I feel that way too….
Bye for now and thanks.
second//best
i hug you goodbye, and my heart sinks.
memories of the night rush back to me as i try to tangibly hold on to …you walk out of the door. wait. no, don’t turn around.
all i have is what exists in my mind, because it is no one else’s reality.
unsure how to act, unsure how much or how little to give.
i have you on lease, i’m never certain for how long.
i know i’m not supposed to love you. its tainted. and we’re supposed to avoid these talks, right.. but i cant help it. i don’t want u to mean this much, so there are others. tho no one else quite adds up. i don’t tell you that. i’m behind, love-40 and it’s your serve.
over a year now, i don’t want less but i need more. and i know you’re not willing to give it. but im not willing to let go. consistency
i will keep my eyes closed and search every image i have of you. catalogue them for when im (a)lone(ly), like u said!
my black david, statuesque in my room. moving like you own it. (a pause to catch my breath, please.)
resist that call…erase that text. don’t be soft. i’m undercover, always. we are undercover the covers, always… deep down– u know… im thankful u ignore it.
She writes to you, so the public knows ure Hers. *only i know that part of you is mine. (all yours)
How He became such an important part of my life though, remains a mystery. As I ended things with Him tonight, I couldn’t piece together just how He went from being a nobody to all that He was. I had let the situation eat at me. Tonight when he was over, I mentioned my period but didn’t realize it would be the reason he didn’t have sex with me. And then I couldn’t take the rejection. I could feel the pain welling up inside of me – what if he was thinking the same thoughts I was. although in retrospect i see that he was having a pretty fine time and enjoying my company. except for his mention at only 10pm that he ought to leave soon. and so i decided to end it first. He had no real answers other than he didnt think of it that way. he didnt think he was ever hurting me. and while i wanted to cry- i still want to cry, just to honor the memory if anything- i couldnt. i wasnt particularly coherent and there were long pauses. and i almost didnt say anything at all. a part of me wanted to just get over the feeling and then committ to seeing him another time when we would have sex and i would kno again that i had him. but it came up like vomitt. it plagued me to wonder whether the trip he was taking next week was with friends or with her. suddenly i was describing to him just how insane he had made me. He was responding: So where does this leave us? I dont know. we reached the tipping point right? i want to be your friend but i know it would be a sad friendship. i dont really have anythning else to say. i want you to make the decision that is best for you. i dont know how i rationalize it. ive always been the type of person to do what i want.
i really do think we’ll be good friends one day actually. i just need some time. But tonight, the whole world is upside down as suddenly my pillow no longer feels comfortable and I can’t seem to get my eyes to close. Everything has moved and changed to reconfigure what space and time will be like without him; utterly uncomfortable.
Don’t bother holding on to the thoughts that maybe you could have a friendship- just let him go completely, it will make things much easier in the long run. I heard a quote once that says “Friendship is a sweet responsibility, not an opportunity.” No MM ex could really be a friend to us, they have been irresponsible with our hearts and lives and have used us for the opportunities we provided. Their attraction to us was based on insecurity and greed, not love. Relationships of all kinds should be mutually caring and respectful. If it were possible to take away all of the physical attraction and romance, you would probably find that he is not even fit to be a decent FRIEND much less a good life partner. Move on to spending time with people who can give you all of the time and attention you are worthy of! You’ve earned it!
PS- Me and new unmarried guy (who I’ve been friends with for years) are doing awesome and have both met each other’s parents (who definitely approve!). How far I’ve come from my low point! Trust me… life does go on! And Karma is very real- all of the efforts and patience I put forth with MM have been repaid to me 100 fold!
I heard from a mutual friend that MM is still married (of course) but misses me. All I could think was, “HA! I’ll bet he does!” I am soooooo thankful I moved on from that one-way relationship. Now all I keep thinking is, WHAT did I ever see in him!!?? It’s a great state of mind to be in.
Sharmuta:
You are an inspiration. Can’t wait till I get there too! I know it will happen. I know some dayI wil look back and wonder why I wasted so much time, emotion and so many tears over this idiot. I should feel sorry for her – I know him and what he is like – she doesn’t. Ignorance may be bliss but I think I will be better off in the long run. Good for you and good luck with your unmarried guy.
Well I am proud to say it has been a few weeks since we made contact via email/phone. I am proud of the both of us. I am happy that he let me go. I see him on occasion at work and he is really nice to me and smiles. That makes it hard sometimes. I am so attracted to him. It is so much easier if I don’t see him at all though. I wonder if he wants to email me??? It would be nice somehow to know that he wanted to email me, but does not out of respect for his marriage. I just hope that the only reason we don’t communicate is because of his marriage. Maybe there will eventually be another guy that I find just as attractive (who is single). I think the attraction for him will never die. This is one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I will continue to admire him from a distance…hopefully he will not email me. I think I would crumble all over again. Eeeeekkkk…I don’t think he will though. He knows we can’t get too close. Eventually this will go away…it is just getting through it.
I’ve been commenting on this page since June 24th and I’ve broken up with my MM once and then took him back. I’m seriously considering saying goodbye for the last time and cutting all communication, which I thought I could do last time but I’m realizing that no matter when I let go, it will never be easier. I just hope it get’s easier. I have to let go and get my life back because I know in my heart that he will never leave his wife for me. I also realizing that he probably has no issues or problems with his wife at all. Or if there are issues, I enable him to never work on those issues. I’m beginning to form a support system of friends and setting up phone support, so when I get the urge to contact him, I have other people to talk to. I know that eliminating communitcation is the only way to get over and heal from this whole situtation.
I need help. I thought I could dump K, my married man, and move on. With a new guy who I have met once and am meeting again tomorrow night. But it seems I can’t. I have been in the horrors all weekend and ended up in bed in tears after work yesterday evening, with what seemed to be a panic attack. I am so scared, particularly as he goes on hols with his wife the week after next to her family in the US. I am terrified that I will get some sort of breakdown and this is not fair to me or to my family. I know he genuinely cares for me but it’s not enough when I know he lives away from his wife at the moment but will return to her bed and his home with her before the end of this year as he ends his job in my city then. What scares me worse is that he is 56 years old -25 years older than me – and I have fears in my head all the time that he will get sick or die, and I won’t have a clue because he has told nobody about me. I think I should go to a counsellor to help me work out these issues. Has anyone gone down that route? I don’t want to be here in six months time, still loving him and not wanting to be with anyone else. Please please help.
Hey Everyone-
Kinda got lost. Well Honestly- i let him back in my world. Not that he completley left. We have such a intense connection that i JUST CANT WALK AWAY!! Its like smoking, you know that *hit bad for you but you will quit when ur ready! I wasnt ready to let him go. But i still would like the support from you guys!
Bereft- My MM is older too. Lots of health issues and it TERRIFIES me to know that if anything ever happened I WOULD NEVER KNOW!! I think thats the worst thing about the whole relationship. But i truley have no answers to that because there are none. We as OW will never get to “care” for him when he ill, sick, physically hurt, etc. Thats the fact to being involved with MM.
Girl, KEEP YA HEAD UP and TRY to have fun with this new man! Im so sure its hard and I kinda picture you pushing away due to lost in thought over MM, but put him in the back of your mind and enjoy the company that wants to be around you. PS when the dates over , you can bring MM back to mind. Its only nature to think of the ones you love.
BEST OF LUCK!!
Hi everyone:
Well I feel your pain because my MM is also older than me and I fear that I wouldn’t know if something happen to him either. I actually tried to go on a date lastnight. I had a great time but I found myself rushing out at the end because my MM called and I didn’t answer his calls. When I didn’t answer his calls, I was so proud of myself because that is a huge step for me but I found myself ending the date sooner just to return his call. I have seen some progress but I’m still wrapped up in the whole situation and I also don’t feel as if I’m ready to let go. I know he will never leave his wife but my heart won’t listen to my head. I’m still considering cutting all communication but I don’t feel strong enough to let go.
Hi, this is my first time on this site. 2 yrs at bein “other woman”. I need some feedback.
Here is my story.
I was fixed up with a man in ’05. Both single.
Me 2 boys from previous marriage- 14 and 17.
He had no children.
Both of us in our jobs for over 15+ yrs.
Fixed up by mutual friends. He is 51/2 years older. I was 37 yrs old.
Great chemistry. Everything I wanted in looks and personality. He is also
financially stable. Treated me like a real lady, Definitely something i was not use
to. Perfect match in every way…
Problem….
My ex showed back up and talked me into leaving, “Mr. Perfect.”
MP did everything to try and talk me into stayin with him. Needless to say, I did
not. I went back.
MP gave me the space I needed and moved on with his life.
I knew within months, I had made a mistake.
Actually 2 wks, but, it took me about six months to try and reconnect with MP.
Day I got in touch with MP is day he found out he was having a baby with new
girlfriend. Her 4th. 1st child for him. Yea, great huh?
Present time,,,
He is still with new lady. Helping with his god sent angel, She is 2 now.
They do not live together and is no where near marriage. He says never will be.
Him and I have been in daily contact since day of reconnection. Up until, May, it was thru tex, email, or phone.
May it became physical.
Not proud of this.
Neither one of us has ever done this. I truly believe he hasn’t either.
I guess I’m sharing this to just get it off my chest. Any comments would be appreciated. Am I really the other woman? Is this ever gonna end? Do we have a
chance as a couple?
FYI. I take full responsibility for this situation we are in.
Someone talk to me please.
Hi GC:
I’m sorry to hear that you are even in this situation at all. I don’t want to be the bad guy when I say this but anytime that there is more than 2 people in the relationship, then unfortunately you are the OW. Whether he’s married or just dating her, there is still another relationship going on. I know that you love him and that it’s too hard to let go because I am in the same situation but I’m the OW to a MM. I pray for you and everyone on this sight. I wish we all had the strength to let go and show each and everyone of these men that we deserve more but sometimes love is blind.
To answer Bereft’s question about counseling- I definitely was having a breakdown and made the decision to see a counselor because I was afraid of how out of control my emotions were. Out of curiosity, I wonder how many of us OW/fallback girls on here had issues with our father’s growing up? Mine had a lot of anger/depression issues, fought with me constantly in a verbally abusive manner, was a work-oholic, narcissistic, didn’t take much of an interest in my life unless I had done something he could brag to his peers about (making him look good), otherwise kind of ignored… and he also cheated on my mom several times and then left her for an OW. Who he promptly cheated on to be with another OW.
I know that for me personally, I think I got a little messed up by this upbringing because it set the tone for what a “normal” man was supposed to be like and also what “normal” relationships look like. It’s why I’ve had a trouble staying attracted to Nice guys in the past… because something about them seemed “off” from what I was used to. So I have tended to go for guys who, like my dad, give me attention only after I’ve worked my butt off for it, or who will give me attention if it meets some need of theirs at the moment. Counseling can definitely help you work though some of these issues!
As far as dealing with dating, my counselor had me make a list of “5 non-negotiables.” This is a list of 5 things that you would like to be absolutely required of any guy you are dating. If a guy misses out on these qualities once or twice, that’s fine. But if there is an obvious pattern of his that makes him not meet one of your criteria… let him go! When you make your list, they all must be phrased in a positive way… so rather than saying “not married or hung up on his ex” you would say “free from past relationships.” This helps you focus in on what you DO want in a man, so it’s easier to recognize these qualities when you see them (him). My “5 non-negotiables” were as follows:
1) Free from past relationships!
2) Gives me appropriate amounts of time and attention.
3) Is faithful in relationships.
4) Is intelligent and mature.
5) Recognizes my worth (this category includes “really listens to the things I tell him” and showing me respect- because any man who really recognized my value would do that, I believe).
Now of course you can add on “sexy, funny, athletic, etc” when coming up with your ideal man… but those things should be looked at as icing on the cake. The 5 non-negotiables ARE your cake. Without meeting those criteria you know that a relationship between you and this person would never work.
This is part of what I got out of counseling, and I found it very helpful- but we are all unique ladies with our own unique issues to sort out, so as great as our generalized advice may be in someways- getting personalized counseling from a professional is really important too. Especially for those in relationships where children are involved! It’s one thing to get ourselves into messes, it’s another to mess up a child’s ideas of love, family and security for life! There’s no shame in asking someone for help.
GC- Even if he breaks up with “new girl” he is her child’s father for life. So long as he wants to be a good father and not totally abandon his child, he is going to be linked to her through this child for the REST OF THEIR LIVES. I know it’s hard, but in your case I feel that you had a chance and missed it, and now it’s too late. That really sucks and I’m sorry, but even if you “get him back” it’s not going to be like hitting a reset button to make things go back to when it was just you and him. Married or not, he has a family to be loyal and responsible to now. Let him go, but know in your heart that he cares for you and wishes you well. Bawl your eyes out for a couple of weeks, get help if you need it, and move forward with your life so that this man has a chance at being a great dad. If you can take the brave and painful step of sacrificing your own desires for the greater good, Karma will pay you back a hundred fold. There are other Mr. Perfects out there, I promise!
Sharmuta, many thanks for your advice. I must say I rang a friend tonight and talked things over with her and she was every bit as good as a counsellor, perhaps because she has been through a break up from her fiance and survived. Anyway, to answer your question, I have also looked at my past recently, trying to find out why I fell in love with K. And I really can’t blame my dad as he is my mother’s best friend, was the best father we could have wished for and never treated me as second best. So why am I settling for it now? Today has been very tough on the K front. His boss is retiring and I work in a newpspaper who are hosting him and his boss next week to mark the retirement. I am the go between on behalf of my bosses and he is the go between on behalf of his. difficult. The next difficult part is that his boss has invited us in my office to a big retirement function next weekend which K will attend with his wife and which he would rather I would not attend. I hadn’t planned on it anyway because I didn’t want to see them together. But now my friend is furious, saying I should go and he doesn’t have the right to say where I should and shouldn’t be. I was on a date tonight with a new guy who I’ve dated once before, who is nice but not Mr Right. I don’t think it would be fair to take him there but I have another male friend I could take. I am tired of K seeing me crying. Maybe my friend is right and that I should go. There are going to be other friends of mine there too so maybe I could show that I am stronger by being there. But maybe seeing them together would kill me?
It will kill you – please spare yourself. I have to see mine with “her” often and it almost kills me evertime and I “break-up” with him because it hurts waayyy too much. But, then I am spared from them together for a while and then we start up again until the next time….
If anyone has a good tip for ending it forever – let me know. This affair is killing me, slowly and painfully…
Sharmuta and DJ,
Please keep talking to me. I need advice from someone who knows.
And I do know this is wrong and I have tried to walk away. He won’t let me go.
He knows just the right words. He wanted to experience all the 1st’s before
he broke up with baby’s mother. Now he just trying to figure out how with inflicting
the least amount of pain towards mother.
And when you speak of a forever connection…I have no problem with that. I can no longer have children. I feel maybe all this happened so he could have a child of his own. I would never want him to abandon his child. She would definitely be a package deal. I could love that little girl just like my own.
I would totally lose the respect I have for this man if he abandoned her.
But, does that mean he has to stay with her mom?
How fair is that to the mom, if he loves another woman?
These are all the things in my head. God, how I know there is no reset button!
But, do I really walk away?
The love of a child is totally different than a love for a partner. Do you all honestly
feel there is no solution but to walk away?
Sharmuta,
You are a very special lady. I have reread your advice over and over. Some of your
father comments are very close to home. I really do not want to be what I have
become, but, I don’t know if I have the strength to walk away. We together, could show his little girl that she has 2 secure safe loving homes. Is that so wrong to
believe? Am I thinking only of myself?
DJ,
Thank you for your prayers. And darlin, you are in mine also. None of us truly
want to be this way. We all are just wanting to be loved.
GC- As far as the 2 loving homes goes… I had the same thought stuck in my head when I was with MM. I knew that I could be a great second mom to his daughter (also a 2 year old) and I would have nothing but respect for his first wife. But it is just too easy for MM to keep coming up with reasons why they need to stay with their wives, while at the same time not wanting to let go of you either. If he is meant to be with you, it is going to happen after you have cut off communication with him for a while and he has been able to focus on whether ending his marriage is what HE really wants. Especially with this guy, because like you said, you think this is the first time he has ever done something like this. His family needs to be his priority, but if it is meant to be he can always contact you AFTER he has clearly broken up with her (to the point where it would be okay for him to publicly date you). But I think you need to cut off contact with him for at least 6 months. After that, maybe he can check in with you about the decisions he’s made without you around to influence him. But rather than hold your breath for those 6 months, I’d suggest trying to live as though he is out of the picture completely. I guess him breaking up with her to be with you is not IMPOSSIBLE, but it’s a decision that needs to be made between him and his child’s mother without your influence on the side. It’s also going to be less painful for you (after the initial devastation of not talking with him) to not keep hoping that he’ll leave her. If you can possibly just be done with him completely (which you can) that would be ideal. But certainly, the worst thing to do is to date him on the side and have to deal with all of the guilt and frustration and pain that these types of relationships cause.
Sharmuta,
For such a young age, you are so full of strength and wisdom. I have been reading the blogs before me over and over for strength. And you, my new lady friend, are such an inspiration. To me and many others, I see.
I pray for just part of your strength and I know I will be fine. This wknd is a turning point for me. My plan of action will start tonight. I will keep you posted.
P>S> DJ, I say a prayer for you everyday. You too, will get thru this.
I feel that Sharmuta and Been There are so strong but I know that you got there with time. I only hope I get there too and I hope every woman know’s that it’s possible. I can’t lie about being ready to let go but I know that your support will help me through and with your continued support I will make that dicision. When I went back on my word and let him back into my life, I was ashamed and didn’t want to share with anyone that I had done so but I remembered something Been There had said, she said you have to comment with your ups and downs and that is exactly what I’m going to do. I would love to help myself and anyone that finds that there is no hope. I will and everyone on this site will get through this situation and learn one of the hardest lessons we have ever learned. I will never get involved with someone involved already. I will get past this, I WILL! GC you are so kind and thank you for praying for me.
Trust me…….The one you think you want is NOT it. There are so many good single men just waiting for one of you beautiful women!
Trust in yourself and the love you crave will come to you in a much better man than these guy!
Sharmuta,
I have had an admireror for quite some time. Divorced since the late 90’s . 44 and no children. A man that I also find attractive inside and out. I have been nothing but, honest with him about why I have been holding him at arms length. He checks in on me occassionally thru email, to see how I’m doing. I work in the public and he occasionally stops by there also. Just to say hi. Weekends are the hardest for me. I just didn’t want to spend another one crying. So, I decided this week to give him a call and take him up on his offer to go boating! We are going out Saturday all day. Taking a cooler full of food and drinks! Its a lake, I’m familiar with and friends from both our circles will be there. Just a relaxing day of much needed fun! My cell phone is staying off. I know this is a baby step. And yea, I probably shouldn’t be envolving another. But, in my defense, he knows my story. And I honestly don’t think I can walk away from being other woman on my own. Say a prayer for me. Its kinda weird, but, I’m really excited bout this weekend. ha
GC- That is so great! I am excited for you… what a great way to take your mind off of MM! It’s about time you got to actually ENJOY the weekends! You’re guy sounds a little like my new boyfriend- he knew what I was going through but never judged me for it… he just patiently waited for me to figure things out on my own and was there waiting for me when I finally got my head straight. Isn’t it funny that you find him attractive inside and out and yet he gets the shaft while you spend all of your precious energy on MM? Go have fun just living in the moment with this man, and just being a happy, carefree version of yourself. And of course you’re in my prayers!
So… fun story:
Mutual friend called me as MM “happened” to show up at his house. Mutual friend was telling me that I needed to chill out and be friends with MM, because he was sure that the two of us still had mutual feelings for each other. I told him that I definitely did not have feelings for MM because I did not trust him anymore, and had no interest in seeing him or talking to him ever again. Mutual friend went on to tell me how MM had brought him his court papers to prove to him that the charges brought against him (which I discovered through a background check) had been dismissed…. blah blah blah so there was no reason for me to be mad at him. I told him that regardless of his criminal records, he should not have been dating me before he had his marriage situation figured out and THAT was the main reason why I had no interest in being involved with him in anyway. I told him that I was over MM and moved on. He told me that there was no reason for me to hate MM, and I let him know that I DIDN’T hate MM, I have forgiven him and I wish him well, but there is absolutely no reason for him to be a part of my life anymore.
He tried to put me on the phone with married man and I told him if he did I was hanging up. I ended up ending the phonecall, but then mutual friend proceeded to call and text me until I finally figured that it was going to be easier for me to just hear MM out and stop with the stupid phone games.
You guys, it was hilarious. I was like a brick wall with MM, and you guys were the bricks!!! I knew I had all of you behind me to not let him get his foot in the door at all! I have never been so strong (and so cold?) on the phone with him. It was obvious that I was the one in control of the conversation, and he had become the desperate one. The first few seconds was me giving only one syllable answers, “Hey. Good. Yeah.” etc… “So what’s up?” I asked.
“Well, I just wanted to say hi since, you know, we knew each other once. So… how are you?”
Me: “Good. How’s the family?” (in a totally snarky bitch tone)
Him: “They’re good. So, I hear that you’re seeing somebody”
Me: “Yeah, he’s my boyfriend now actually”
Him: “So you think you’re going to marry him?” (what!?)
Me: “Umm…Not next week or anything, but I’m really happy with him”
Him: “Do you love him?”
Me: “Seriously!? We’ve only been dating for like 2 months!!! I don’t know yet, I’m sure I could in time though…”
Him: “So you don’t love him then…”
Me: “I don’t know yet, these things take time. But in all honesty, I think he’s a really great guy and I probably could be in love with him eventually!”
Him: “Just because he’s a good guy doesn’t mean that you love him. DO YOU LOVE HIM?”
Me: “This is a really awkward conversation to be having with you. I don’t think that any of my answers are going to be what you want to hear, let’s put it that way.”
Him: Okay… here’s (friend) back.
Mutual friend: Blah blah you guys are friends, you need to get over it… wah wah wah Call you next week.
*So, anyway… I’m trying to figure out if I should cut of contact with mutual friend too? They are starting to seem like a package deal. Uggh. Probably yes, huh?
Sounds to me like MM got to mutual friend. I hear a sob story in the background. Ha. I’d let mutual friend know you have no hard feelings towards them, but, out of respect for your new man(and yea, its ok to blame him. I’m sure it would give new guy a nice ego boost), you’re gonna keep some distance, cause you don’t want to jeapardize anything good that could be happening with you and him. And as always, be the sweetest bitch(pardon my harshness), that you can possibly be!!! I have found out that adding sweetness to the sterness, smacks em into a reality check even more!
Haha. I just reread my blog from yesterday. I’ve got a little spunk in my attitude. And it feels good!!! I think alot of it is coming from you girls. I’m so glad I found this site.
Getting ready to go boating! Yea!! This could be another reason for the spunk! ha. I hope all you ladies are up today and out there finding yours!!!!
am glad that my post help others.
And yes write everything. Everything you feel, everything you done everything MM did or said. Don’t deny a thing when you write. If the advice you get back hurts a bit, it’s only meant to help you open your eyes. Writing on here helped me so much. Looking back on some of my post, ( the post I had wrote when I was with MM are no longer posted.) helped me so much to take a step back and look at all the stupid things I would do to try and make my MM jealous or see how stupid I was when MM would do something and I would think it was him trying to be with me. Look at GC, she looked back on one of her post and seen how strong she is getting already.
We can not deny the feelings that we have for MM. We know we are being manipulated. That still dosent stop the fact that we do truly love our MM. The feeling we have for our MM is real. Is it right or healthy for us. No. But none the less our feelings are real. This site had helped me so much make sense of how unhealthy it is. Just by coming on this site and reading how there are others out there feeling and dealing with the same pain that I was going through. I thought I was alone. And you know its such a deep hurt and we have no one to talk to us about it because we feel a bit humiliated about the situation or who could understand what im going through. We were not out to hurt someone ( wife and kids). The chemistry between MM and you is there. The situation we are in is there. And it’s not easy to step away from because love isn’t something you can deny. So letting go is horrible. Its difficult. And it’s not freakin easy. I was not able to let go of my MM over night. It took a good year. Lots and lots of tearful times. Scared, confused. What really helped and it really did. Was to see how strong I got from this site. Honest people looking at my situation from another point of view helped me see what was wrong in my situation a bit clear. Some girls pointed out things I chose not to see but where not healthy and manipulative of my MM. Looking back at some of my responses how I would forgive and forgive him. How I would date to try and cover up lonely times with out my MM. How I would make sure he knew about my dates. So I could make him jealous and say something to me to get me back. Well it only had me stop dating. I would stop dating a good thing and did he divorce. Nope. That never worked. I missed out having a great relationship with an awesome guy who I told MM about. MM called this guy and of course we didn’t date again. My MM even so much came to my work and proposed to me with a diamond ring in front of my coworkers to stop dating a guy. Where did all that game play get me. Wife found out, he went back to wife. Yet again. He still married and my great new guy is now married to damnit That was one of our many stupid games we play. Looking back at that time in my life. What a stupid idiot I was. Now im so much stronger. Because of this site. The girls on here with some awesome advice. Reading about their pain helped me understand mine. So write everything. If you text him because you needed to have some sort of communication from him. Write it. It’s not easy. It hurts. I am sorry you are all going through this. But know your not alone. Don’t get mad at yourself if you slip back a few times. I did. Others did. I think its part of the steps of letting go. Because sometimes you learn from that mistake. And you don’t let him do it again. And that is what happened to me. One day he did something ( like go back to his wife yet again) for the last time. Did he try to get me back .. yes. But now I cut all ties and I didn’t let him do it to me again. I finally was done. I finally learned from my mistake. Am I still in love with him after 2 years no contact. I love myself now. Who I am now. No I don’t think I would be in love with someone who treated me like that. I play drums now, kayak, work with habitat for humanity. My relationship is a deeper one with a guy. No, I don’t think I have the same feelings for my MM any more. Take care girls. Your all getting stronger as your posts go along. And just like GC your going to notice it in your self. And your going to be proud at how far you have come.
Hi Ladies,
Broke up with my MM for the second time 2 months ago. After reading many of these notes, I began to see the writing on the wall and told him that I didnt want to fill the void in his marriage and that I was looking for something more fulfilling. He seemed to let that go and didnt contact me for over a month. Slowly he began leaving IMs and asked me to join him for lunch. I never responded to the lunch but I did let him know again, I was done with seeing a MM. He then increased the IMs and finally told me that he had been in love with me and he wanted to tell me how much he was in love with me. This was the first I heard the love word in our 3 years of seeing each other off and on. It almost seemed like a desparate announcement to try to get me back. During our IM, he stated that his wife had pretty much given him permission to date rather than having him leave the family. The wife and MM talked about separating after the youngest graduates highschool which is in 6 years. I knew he had not been upfront with me before when I asked him earlier in the year if he had THE conversation with the wife and he said yes and the outcome was that he would split by the summer. He’s still there and he talks of this newest conversation like it was the first time they mentioned separating. What the hell. I think he’s been dragging me along with lies. The other shocker is that he said he’s dating. In one sentence he tells me he loved me and the next, he tells me he’s dating. I was good and wished him well and hoped that he’ll find someone to make him happy. He said ” wish it were you”. I put my foot down and told him after he splits, he can look me up again and then we’ll see if there’s any feelings there. Honestly, I don’t think he’ll split ever. Why should he? The wife and he now have an open marriage. I couldn’t do that no matter how much I want the family to stay together. Where’s her self respect and what will this teach the children?
I wonder if his wife actually knows that they are in an open marriage, or if this is maybe, another stretch of the truth for MM. Poor thing. If the marriage is really “open”, I’m sure she is trying to deal with his BS on top of trying to give her children the sense that they are in a loving family (although I’m sure her kids pick up on the tension a lot more than she’d like to realize). I’m sure being legally bound to a cheating MM takes a huge toll on her self-esteem, and consequently, her self-respect. Sounds like MM can’t keep his lies straight… way to see through that! You did a great job of not giving into him! Even though throwing the word “love” in the mix can make it oh-so-tempting. And if he really loved you and the only roadblock holding him back from you was his marriage, WHY THE HECK WOULD HE BE DATING!? Rather than work on fixing or ending his marriage, he’s avoiding responsibility with both his wife and you, and fooling around purely for his own happiness. Way to be strong- you are doing the right thing!
So…
I told mutual friend that I felt he and MM were a package deal, and so I needed some distance from him too. He tried to argue that point, but I know that any info. I give mutual friend goes straight to MM. So I held fast, and finally he said that he didn’t like my decision, but it was my choice. So now I have zero ties to MM. Honestly though, just hearing his voice that one time kind of shook me up a little, and while I would never go back to him, I’ve been thinking about him a lot more lately. Uggh. I want him out of my brain. Do they make a pill for that?
Haven’t heard of the pill yet…But, please if anyone finds it, get the address posted on HOW to purchase it! Ugggh, is an understatement.
As you know, I went boating. And it was alot of fun….Up until one of the most beautiful sunsets was sitting and the full moon was appearing on the other side. We just happened to be sitting on the lake where my cell phone received service. Yea, no bars all day and where we were sitting , BARS! What happened…
I’m taking in all the natural beauty around me and, my MM texes, “OMG< hurry look outside the most beautiful full moon is looking down on us! It reminds me of my beautiful babydoll!” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Moment Lost!
But, did have a nice day. Probably, never hear from new friend again. We’ll see.
ahhh, my MM suffers so much guilt I so know that I should just let him go and sort things out and I kinda of think that if I really did love him then I would let him go, because I can see that this is destroying him, but it is so hard…… When you find that pill let me know. LOL….
Sally- Forget what it’s doing to him girl, he doesn’t HAVE to be dating you either. Rather, what’s it doing to YOU and do you love yourself enough to let him go?
GC- Why so pessimistic about the outcome with new friend? How about calling HIM, telling him how much fun you had, and suggesting a date he can’t refuse…
As for those brainwash pills,
http://media.www.ecollegetimes.com/media/storage/paper991/news/2008/06/05/Blogs/Swallow.A.Pill.Lose.A.Bad.Memory-3377420.shtml
http://neurologicalillness.suite101.com/article.cfm/propranolol
LOL
Thank you Sharmuta, you are a wise woman. I think I’m going to make it through this and the lies that are developing. I don’t understand how someone can be so selfish. We were emailing each other alot this past week but with the more he wrote, the more I’m puzzled about when he had and even if he had the feelings he claimed. I guess if I had to work this hard to have a relationship with him, it wasn’t real. That makes the entire relationship worthless.
Regards,
Osprey
Hey Everyone:
We broke up again and I honestly think it’s for good this time because it was kind of mutual decision on Saturday. I was putting on shoes to walk him outside and I started to cry. I tried to hold off until he left but just couldn’t hold it in. He said that I’m the last person he would ever want to hurt and he knew that I cried but didn’t realize it was like that. He said that it was time for me to move on because he can’t be there the way I want him to be. In a way I feel relief, I feel hurt and I feel anger. I feel completely mixed up and can’t really gain control of my feelings. I’m not sure why I’m questioning myself, like why doesn’t he choose me and wants wrong with me. I’m trying to convince myself that it’s not me, he’s a coward and doesn’t know what he’s missing. I have so much to offer. I keep wondering if he’s gonna get over me but I should focus on getting over him. Please send me some encouraging words and help me see that he is the fool giving up the best thing that would have ever happened to him and how to remain strong once he realizes that I’m going to move on and not to ever take him back because he doesn’t deserve my love.
DJ, I am the same as you. Definitely think this is the end this time. We have had an up and down few weeks. We were together three times in the last week but always fighting in between because he is gone on hols for three weeks with his wife this week. Last week, he was the master of ceremonies at a big retirement do for his boss, which I was at in a work capacity. A lot of our mutual friends were there and I had a great night but now he is jealous of my relationship with one of them. There’s nothing to be jealous about – as if I would ever put myself through a relationship with a married man ever again. Anyway, I got drunk at the end of the night and I ended up getting sick. Do you think my devoted married man rang to find out how I was the following morning? Hell, no – he was too busy filling up a form for promotion for the whole weekend. Did his and my friend ring me? Yes he did. And my married man got on a flight to Canada yesterday and wouldn’t have rang me first only for I breaking down my resolve and ringing him. I have seen through him now – if he was that selfish over teh last four days, what kind of a life would have I have had if he had ever left his family for me. I genuinely thought he loved me but if he did, he would have not left me in this position. I feel sick and I, like you DJ, question myself and can’t bear the thought that he will one day get over me. But I too will one day get over him and so will you.
Dear Bereft:
I’m so sorry to hear that he didn’t call to check on you. I truly believe that he probably does love you but unfortuntely the MM’s are not in love with us. A friend of mine said that their decision comes down to being comfortable and being a coward. That they are never going to be happy or content. That’s why they choose to step out of their marriage. I was married for 11 years and although it took me years to finally leave, I finally did and I didn’t choose to leave because of a man but I know that it’s possible to leave something that makes us unhappy. So I may have dealt with an unhappy situation and who knows I may even have a slip up with MM but I do know that this situation is definitely getting old and everyone on this site will see that we are truely unhappy and we will know in our heart that we are not going to want them, if they ever do choose us. I know in my heart that I would never trust him. I really think you should be friends with whoever you choose to be friends with and the only reason your MM is jealous of your friend is because he is threatened. You are right about getting over them. Remember they have to continue their life they strayed from in the first place and continue to live with a woman that they lie and cheat on, I know if we had the chance to have them entirely, we wouldn’t look at the situation the same. I will say a prayer for you and I know we are going to be strong enough to let them go.
Hi DJ, how are you getting on? Did you have a slip up? I am doing well. He is away and I have not heard from him since Monday and it is now Thursday. Since he left, I am whizzing on with my life. Even got an interview for a new job which will be done while he is away. By the time he is back, I could be looking forward to a new start. i feel so much stronger probably becuase I know he is away, sharing long meals and coffees with her, the way he would have done with me. I know he can’t contact me which is great and that means he cannot do anything to try and stop me being so angry with him. That anger is my wake up call to what a cruel person he is. I genuinely love him, but not the guy he has been to me in the past eight months. The one true thing he keeps saying is that our friendship was very special. It was one of the best I have ever had but we ruined it all by kissing each other. Now he is my enemy.
Hi Bereft:
I’m not getting on with my life. I’m trying to but I can’t seem to let him go. I don’t know why. I have also been with my MM for 8 months. I just seperated from my husband and he moved out so I was feeling free and then the MM came into my life. I thought that we could just hang out and be friends, which happened at first but being married for 11 years and then alone made me feel lonely. I started talking to my MM everyday a couple times a day, which really came from him. I told him that I couldn’t get involved with him, I ignored him for about a week and then he started telling me that he was falling in love with me and that’s what made me give in. I’ve tried to break up with him atleast 7 times and everytime we break up, he tells me that I’m a really beautiful, sexy and I’ve got so much to offer and that I do deserve more and I’m selling myself short, then he just calls all the time after and kind of puts a guilt trip on me, if I do start to pull away. I’m trying to get to the point of realizing that I do deserve more. That our relationship is a huge lie and that if he ever chose me, I wouldn’t trust him because I know that he would eventually cheat on me. I’ve learned the hardest lesson that I ever want to learn. I will never be involved with a married man. I don’t care if he’s gorgeous and rich. I tried the no communication thing but I find myself picking up the phone. I ignored his calls on Saturday after we broke up but just started talking to him the next day. I do know that we will move on. One day we will look back and say I can’t believe I gave him so much energy but Been There or Sharmuta, how do you get there? I do know that I will continue to comment with my up’s and down’s but I promise to continue once I do get over him because I want to help other woman. WE DESERVE SOOOO MUCH MORE THAN BREAD CRUMBS!!!!!!!
Been There and Sharmuta:
Did you say to yourself, if I let him go, he will get over me? That seems to be one of my biggest fears. I know it’s crazy but I want him to continue to think about me when we do breakup for good. But I try to realize that it’s about me getting over him! Why do I care if he’ll get over me?
DJ,
Of course you care if he is going to think about you. Your in love right now. Oh I had lot’s of fears with letting him go. What if he gets hurt and no one let’s me know, What if he just gets over me just like that and never thinks of me. What if he gets a divorce and I blew my chance. How can I get on with out hearing from him. We would talk till 3 in the morning or for hrs. How can I just go on with out him. How do I live with the pain from not talking to him or seeing him. I couldn’t fathom not, just not ever see him again.
I guess when my time came to leave I was finally ready and at my wits end. ( I fully believe as the other woman you have to reach that point of finally being done, Finally having enough. Its slow getting there but when it finally hits you, your done you don’t care about how he feels any more. Trying to understand it on this site is a great step towards realizing what an unhealthy situation your in. Its one slow step at a time.) I had enough of being hurt. I never understood how he knew the pain he caused, nights with out calls and not being able to see him the painful yearning for him. How it made me cry. He knew it made me cry. By not calling or being with me is because he chose his wife over me those times. He felt more about her feelings. We tend to over look that as the OW. We ignore that he is with another woman. His wife was and is more important then me. Even though he said she wasn’t made me feel better when we were together that she wasn’t import this changed everything when I was with him. Everything I just balled my eyes out over the past nights and that pain.. gosh that pain some how he could make me forget the pain he put me through and the several days of no contact or just a few phone calls. One I love you and I forget. I would ignore the fact he is with someone else. Some one else his wife is more important. That finally registered. Then I was done. After a while DJ, if you really maturely moved on away from MM and realize that what MM has put you through is not love. Its an abusive unhealthy relationship. Your being manipulated. You don’t see this or understand it yet. He knows exactly what to say to you to forgive him. OW never stay mad. They kiss and make up threaten to leave but don’t, MM have control and he knows this. Your always going to come back. After I finally realized this. I didn’t care if I ever seen him again. Now certain songs he sang to me on the radio. I used to have to change it or I would start crying. Now it can hear that song and the thought of him dosnt cross my mind. Even though at that time I thought he was the best lover. The only person who knew me and understood me so well. The total chemistry, soul mate stuff. He was very romantic. It’s was just all a manipulation game to have control over me. He knew all along that he would never leave his wife. They will never tell you ” im staying married “to you because you’ll leave. OW If it has been more then 3 months and he is telling you he will leave her and is still with another woman. Still with his wife. He is not leaving her. If it has been over one year that he has been telling you he will leave his wife and he hasnt. He is not leaving her. If it has been 3 yrs now and he still is telling you he is leaving his wife. He is not leaving her. If it has been 4 yrs and he is still telling you he is leaving his wife. He is not leaving her. Look back at that 4 yrs. What did you do with your life. Hold on to a phone waiting for a text, go to work thinking am I going to hear from him and keep checking your phone. You did not date anyone or if you did your mind was on him. You wasted 4 yrs on a man who continued to live his life the entire time he was with you. celebrating holidays with his wife, making love to two women making love to his wife and to you, going on vacations with his family, going out to dinner with his wife and kids, visiting in-laws, camping with family. What did you do in your 4 yrs. You just wasted it sleeping with a phone next to you in case he calls. DJ you get to a point you do not care any more if he thinks of you. I get from time to time something that lets me know he still thinks of me. I careless. He is still married. Truth is he never had any intentions on ever divorcing.
I must admit, at first I hoped and hoped that my rejection of him would break his heart and he would have to live in guilt and pain for the rest of his life. Then I remembered that this man felt no guilt. And then I realized that it wasn’t even an issue of him getting over me- he had never been into me to begin with. Sure I was a fun past time, but that’s all I was to him. His cute little addiction. The point is, you deserve better than a liar, a manipulator, and a cheat in your life. If he “gets over you”- GOOD! That’s the point. One less thing to keep you coming back to him. Even if you are determined to steer clear of him but want the reassurance of knowing that somewhere in his chaotic little heart he’s suffering because he knows what a great woman he lost- give it up! He is blind to the value of women, which is why he has no problem disregarding their emotions and using them at his convenience. My point is that he is already over you. It’s always been that way. I’m sure there are times when he’s bored and lonely and thinks about how maybe you can help him out with that. But to miss you because he truly understands you and cares about you? That’s always been beyond his capacity. Let him go, and find someone who can understand your worth while you are with him. Don’t let this loser distract you to the blessings and opportunities that are presenting themselves to you everyday.
Man, I can’t stop telling him why I left him. Last weekend, I left him voicemails to tell him why I didnt open my heart this second time around. We had broken up once before and during the second relationship, it seemed that he was just doing the motions with little enthusiasm. I felt that he was either still involved with the woman we broke up over or that he really wasn’t that into me. This entire second time(6 months), I wouldnt allow myself to fall for him again because I didnt know what was going on in his private life. He rarely talked to me and only invited me to spend intimate time with him. I went because I was still attracted to him and I liked the closeness of a man. I did want the relationship to be good again but something never felt right this second time around. I told him I never stopped caring for him and hoped that we could be friends. I poured my heart out to him in these voicemails. I received a text message from him this week and he said “I got your voicemails. We’ll always be friends. When you are willing to accept me as I am, then maybe we can date again in the future.” This is all he wrote. He really could care less what I think, huh? I don’t know why I keep communicating with him. I guess I’m trying to make him see that this breakup was all because he didnt try hard enough to show me he cared. Now I wonder with the responses I’ve gotten from him…………..did he really didnt care? He has moved on and is dating someone else. He has already forgotten me, except for the messages I leave. I need to stop this completely I know. This is so unhealthy. Any advice is most welcome.
Osprey
you guys are so right we do deserve so much more, yet we go back for more,,,,why is that?
I’m not sure if im inl ove with my married man, I don’t know how I can be when I have to share him with his wife, his children and his work. We are not second best, we are way down the list of importance…..but we keep going back for more, I’m a strong independent women in almost everyway yet I seem to be trapped by this man, and I live in this constant fear that he will end it between us because the guilt will be to much. The right thing would be to end, why can’t I.
I find it frustrating that I know what I should do, and I can even give everyone else great advise, but I never follow it myself. lol….very very frustrating
Osprey,
I can’t believe how blinded you are. Out of all the MM on here your has to be the biggest piece of shit of a man. Im sorry if this is going to sound rude but you need a huge eye opener.This man tells you he is with other women. My MM was a huge piece too. But my MM used to romance me with diamond rings, vacations, amusement parks tons and tons of dates. even spent most holidays with me. Now mind you im not saying he was better then other MM but I can see why I fell for him and his romantic ways. As for yours. I don’t even see how you even like him. He drug your butt around letting you know he was married. Then he tells you he is STILL married and they have an “open” relationship. So instead of committing to you. He sleeps you, his wife and yet another woman. That is so gross! This is a time for you to truly and honestly take a step back and look at your life. Why on earth would you want to be with a womanizer. Do you think you can change him if he realizes how much you love him? If you do “win him” do you think he will settle down with just one woman. This guy is a putz. Why are you telling him heartfelt things anymore. He doesn’t deserve to hear that. Its just going to go in one ear and out the other. Your only feeding his ego. He has no remorse for any woman. Its not you at all .. He has no care for feelings jsut how good sex is. that’s it. So dont even think. Oh maybe im not pretty enough for him or have good enough sex. Hell no! Rise above this crap!. You are picking the scraps of crap off the ground to fall in love with. Im thinking your feeling like you just need some sort of man any crap of a man to fill voids in your life. Sweetie. If you want real love and romance you need to get your own life fill it with hobbies and a life style that is rewarding. 7 yrs down the road and your still with this guy whom will probably have at least 3 to 4 more affairs and still married. Deep down how is this love? He knows your so insecure with yourself and knows he can use you. Stand up for y yourself! Believe in yourself! Take control of your life. Get out there. I truly suggest volunteering some where so you can be proud of yourself and at the same time help others. This will help you pat yourself on the back and be proud of you. Look up go green and help neighborhoods in your area clean up or paint building that have been tagged. You need to start looking at your life different. Once you look at yourself and see how amazing you are the world becomes more amazing then soon your going to be able to pick and choose any man you want. one that fits and compliments your life. One you dont have to fix and change them or you. Any relationship you have to fix or change will end up a failed one. No one should ever have to change for anyone. He is a total ass. This is by far not even you. He cares less about anyone.. He gives a rats ass about nobody but himself. Kick that scuz to the curb. EWWWWW. Why touch that. Yuck. I truly think you need to change your thought about yourself. Admire that you will be able to stand up and say “hey im far fuckin better then to deal with dead beat shit lilke you”. Once you can stand up for yourself. Man you pat yourself on the back see you have a strength in you. You get so proud yourself! That you choose not to have someone like this person in yourlife. Because my dear you are worth way better. I don’t recall ever getting so upset im sorry. This man is so not worth this. If you do win him.. Look long down the road sister. Do you want this pain for the rest of yourlife. If you do then something is so wrong here. STOP CALLING HIM just drop it. Even if he calls so freaking what. He is not worth the breath or this emotion. Why? I just dont understand how you can care if he misses you.
Been There- You are amazing. Tough love can be a difficult thing to dish out, but sometimes it is absolutely necessary! Great words.
I agree with that response, and would encourage you (Osprey) to look at why you can’t stop telling him why you left him. What I did was to write him emails everday that I would save instead of sending. I finally sent him one to be clear with him that things were over, but I knew that had to be IT. What I realized during that process was that my words were not meant for HIM. He was never going to be mature enough to realize how emotionally irresponsible he was with me and his wife. I realized that my letters were more about me reminding MYSELF why I was better than that relationship. There is no need to negotiate with him, and argue over things, and explain yourself, etc. when your relationship is OVER. It’s only holding you back from letting go. Your words are falling on deaf ears, my dear. And even though you may feel in the moment that expressing yourself to him is a show of strength, it’s actually making you look weaker than him, beneath him….and DESPERATE for his attention.
Learn to find strength and power over him through silence. Send your thoughts out into the world via prayer or journaling or whatever you need to do to remind yourself of the pain he has caused you, and to figure out what you are looking for in a relationship. I think the problem your having is that you are in denial that this thing is OVER! No one is forcing you to contact him. So stop it. It really is that simple, you just need to believe that you are capable of that self-control. You are.
My MM was someone I looked up to. Besides being 11 years older than I, I admired his intelligence, his leadership, and his success. I really used to view him as someone that was above me in many ways. Let me tell you, there is nothing more empowering than being able to look back at this man and realize that I am one of the very few people that has ever been able to tell this man “no” and stick to it! As a manager at work and as a womanizer, he is always in the power seat and I turned him away because I did not support his morals. To stand up to a person who is able to intimidate so many others (men/women young and old), and to do it for a righteous reason is one of the most empowering things I have ever gone through. And now, this man, who is still intimidating to so many others… is someone who I consider to be beneath me. I know that in all of the ways that truly matter, I am a better person than he his. I honestly feel that way now. You will feel that way too someday and you will love it.
In the meantime, for God sakes stop wasting your time on this fool! It only inhibits you from being able to appreciate your own value and love yourself for it. Be done with him so you can go take on the world, live your dreams, and find yourself a REAL man!
Thanks to all of you!
I have been reading the posts and its like reading my own diary. But, that said, I still cannot let him go. Please help! If a friend was going through this I wold tell her to not be so stupid and to get a life so why can’t I? I try over and over again to end it and he keeps coming back and I am lonely and vuneralble and I just cannot resist. How do I look him in the eye and tell hm ists over? Any help woudl be so appreciated. I see you pist to each other, but I have posted and no-one replies to me… I am in so much pain. I am reacching out – please give me some support and/or advice. I don’t want to spend another Xmas crying…..
Cinner:
“How do I look him in the eye and tell hm ists over?”
If you can’t look him in the eye and tell him its over, tell him its over by phone or email or letter or whatever. Or don’t tell him. You don’t owe him the respect of a face to face to end it. If he has kept coming back and you have ended it before, he does not respect your ending it. Accept it. If he is a MM and seeing you, he does not respect you, contrary to whatever you may think or feel, or words he has spoken. By the tone of your post, it sounds like he is humiliating you. You need to get angry enough to enforce no contact and stick to it. Get help in the meantime, counseling or friend/family support to stick to no contact and find out what this dynamic of relationship represents to you. Do it one day at a time, and do NO CONTACT. Fill your time with anything else you can so you are not lonely; writing about how you feel every day really helps.
He keeps coming back because you allow him to come back. I know it’s hard, I know it’s painful to end it, but the longer you let this go on, the worse it will get. It never gets better with these men. It only gets worse if you stay and/or keep allowing them to come back. You can have faith in that.
And please have faith that if you stay strong and resolve to have no contact, you WILL GET OVER HIM. It may seem impossible to you now, that you can’t resist him, but it will happen, but only if you take the first step. Be strong. Post here when you feel like you might take him back. We will help to check you.
Thanks, Carm. I know you are right and I just have to find the strength. I know that ending this “relationship” is going to be the best thing I will ever do for myself. I just wish it wasn’t quite so hard.
My ex-husband left me for the other woman and now I am the other woman but in my case, he is not even considering leaving…he just goes on with his life and doesn’t miss a beat. My ex was a mess during his affair (until he finally left), people noticed he was acting different and I certainly knew something was up. I guess the difference is that he fell in love with her and mine does not love me and never will. Kind of makes me feel crappy that neither of them chose me.
Thanks for your support.
Dear Cinner:
It’s not about either one of them choosing you. Don’t question yourself! I do the same thing and we do so much damage to ourselves by feeling worthless and not good enough. It’s not you or any of these women on this site. These men are cowards and very selfish. Most of them don’t choose because they don’t have to. I make it too easy for my MM. I tell him that I can’t be with him, he agrees and tells me how beautiful I am, that I deserve to be happy and that he hates to see me cry. But then he throws me a bread crumb and I take him back. It’s a soul destroying cycle and I honestly believe that you probably do get absolutely tired of the entire situation. My MM and I broke up a week ago and we’ve talked and I’ve seen him so I see the cycle beginning again. We talked yesterday about not being together again and of course he assures me that it’s not me. He say’s if he wasn’t stuck in his situation we would be doing everything together. I said well then why do you choose to be unhappy and not with someone that you say you love and enjoy life with the person you love. He said that he believes that if he left his wife for me, then he and I would never last because what comes around goes around. Well I’m absolutely disgusted with him and I know it’s a bunch of bullshit. I told him that I’m not going to wait around, I’m going to meet someone and I deserve someone that wants to spend time with me. So I’m trying to remain strong and I’m going to stop questioning myself. Cinner look in the mirror and say I’m beautiful, I’m worthy and these men are missing out on spending their life with me. I’m a deserving person and they do not deserve my love. We are all deserving and I’m going to get over my MM. I feel very strong this morning. I also met someone and I spent time with him this weekend, I didn’t answer my MM’s calls when I was with him, I actually thought of him instead of my MM and I like him a lot. He is someone that could definitely distract my attention from MM. I just hope I don’t ruin it. BTW, he is very single, never been married and has no children. I’m really excited and I was not depressed for the first time this weekend in about 7 months. Cinner please continue to post and I will definitely respond to you.
Hello Ladies,
It has been almost one year since I have first posted on this site. I found it when my MM threw me under the bus for the first time. Our breakup lasted less than one month before he was sniffing around and of course I took him back. So sorry I did. but now, it has been almost 7 months since our breakup and he has not contacted me since I exposed him to his wife. I have had crazy mixed emotions about calling her. I truly believe had I not called her he would have slithered back into my life and I would have accepted him because I “loved” him so much. The cycle needed to be broken and it was going to be all or nothing. The W was full of crap. Very self righteous, saying how he is done with her, she never loved him, blah, blah, blah. Where is she today. They talk about other women having low self esteem, but what about them? I know he is walking the tightrope trying to keep his pension and security in tact because he is the biggest coward. It is hard to believe he is in law enforcement. Hides behind his badge I suppose. I do have my pangs once in awhile. This has been one of the biggest struggles in my life and yes I am healing. I am not 100% but I am getting close. Time is the only solution. And as time rolls on, I ask myself, “was it truly love, or was it an addiction?” I buried myself in this relationship because I was lacking in my own life. I lost myself in this. Looking for him to be my answer instead of myself. I have had some positive hurdles, I got my associate degree and now I am in an expressway adult program to get my B.S. My son and I are busy with activities. I have kept myself busy with some household projects and hired a personal trainer to become more fit. When the thought of him comes to mind I try to switch my thought to something else. A colleague of his said to me, One who doesn’t really care for him but knows alot about him suggested that he didn’t choose between me or the wife. He stayed with what was safe for what he has worked for and for financial reasons with 5 kids. It wasn’t like he was dating the 2 of us and chose her. Realisticly, and not that I should try to justify it, has his quality in their marriage improved? I am sure it has not. If anything it has worsened. That w will have to live with doubt until she finally grows a backbone and if I were him and her I would pray for it to be soon. Just wasting their lives away. And she told the kids. So whta has she taught them? Mommy is a dooemat and daddy is a dog. The point I am trying to get at, is I felt so desperate, hurt and alone, but it has made me soulsearch who I am and what I want. That would have been a very difficult life for me and my son with his 5 kids and bitter ex had he chosen to be a man and stand up for himself. I feel deep in my heart that one day he will call and I will be in disbelief about how I could have ever cared for him and put up with what I did. Also, I think soon I will be ready to date. What do you think Sharmuta and Been There, making progress/??? Good luck to all of you, Cinner, it is not easy and do not look for the quick heal. It is a process and does take time. But you will sort it out. Like I said it has been 7 months and I still get the pang!
Thanks DJ. I,m at work now so I can’t write much but I wanted to tell you that the support here helps a lot. Glad to hear that you have found a single guy – don’t let you MM ruin it for you! Try really hard to put him out of your mind – I know easier said than done. I keep telling myself that when I end it (and I think I have done it this time), it will be extremely painfull for a long time but eventually I will get over it. I know that. Time heals all. If I don’t end it, I will have to endure this turmoil over and over and over.
Liza:
That 7 month thing scares the heck out of me, but had I stuck to my guns 7 months ago, I would be that much farher ahead. I really don’t want to be here this time next year. I wish there was a quick fix but I know there isn’t. On the plus side, I have joined some new activities and am meeting some new friends who don’t know my ex or my MM. I am preparing myself for it.
Thanks and bye for now.
Maybe we just need to date men with better genes LOL…
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/09/01/AR2008090102087.html?nav=hcmodule
Hey Cinner (And others who are hurting)
As an x “other woman” I know that we can get healing, walk tall again and become the woman we are supposed to be. It is all about “breaking the spell”. However, it takes time, generally a lot of self control and NC is the only way to break free from the affair! When I was walking through my darkest hours post A, the women on the forums here all helped me……..why not pop across to “Being the Other Woman Forum” on this website. Scroll to the top of the page, click on Forums and come join us as we also all support each other along the stages! Generally we all are here to support each other, when the world feels like judging us! I am one year post A and so glad I made it out! I am NOT looking back even although the (**& nearly broke me!
Strength to you all. J
I know that NC is the only way, but it is soooo hard. I don’t know how I could have done this to myself. Why would I want to be with someone like him? I know “her” and she thinks she has the prince of all princes. I know so many things that would make her hair curl….I know that this is more a reflection of me and how I never dealt with my own husband leaving, yet it is still almost destroying me. I told him its over like I have done so many times but little does he know that everytime I get more and more to the breaking poingt. Anything has got to be better than this. Thanks to all of you, most recently Jaded. I think you ladies might make the difference….
C
Hey Everyone:
So I’ve gone on a couple of dates with my new guy and he is absolutely great. He is single, I’ve been to his house, met his brother and atleast 4 of his friends. We’ve already made plans for his this weekend, his Birthday and he even came up with a list of things for us to do. I’m excited and scared. I’ve lied to MM about answering my phone and he’s convinced that I met someone. I don’t know why I can’t tell him. HELP! I guess I just wanted MM to still look at me the same. I don’t want to seem like a liar but in reality, I know I have to tell him that I met someone. I just get scared about saying ” I met someone”. I can’t bring myself to say it. Does anyone have advice?
Yes- Why does it matter what MM knows/cares/thinks? Be done with him, STOP communicating with him, and enjoy the experience of a single and emotionally available man!!! Stop making it about MM. Don’t let New Guy become some strategy to get MM to chase you… if you are really ready to move on (YES) then don’t allow yourself to sabotage a potentially wonderful relationship in order to keep up the games with MM. The point is, you don’t have to tell him your dating if you don’t want to. Just let MM know that you two are done and follow the NO CONTACT rules. A healthy relationship can seem strange at the start because it has become so unfamiliar… but once you get the “crazies” out of your system and allow yourself to be loved, respected, and cared for- it’s pretty amazing. Good luck!
Hi guys
I so wish that I was as far along as some of you, I’m just still struggling with the hope that one day he will leave. Its all got extremly complicated as the wife’s mother has just had a major stroke and the wife is moving her in………So yet again more guilt….. I need to break free from this yet it hurts so much.
Hi, just thought I would say a quick thanks to Sharmuta and Jaded. It seems as though the two of you are totally done with your MM and have moved on, but you still are here offering advice and insight to those of us who have not quite gotten there – yet. The advice you gave DJ is bang-on. Its great to have people who have “recovered” and therefore can think sensibly and objectively. As for me, still in it. Feeling good these days but it never lasts…sad that I know that even as I write this…
Well Ladies, a strange thing happened. I’ve been reading everyones blogs, so I emailed MM stating how he owed me an apology for stringing me along and hurting me and once he does that I will have no further contact, EVER. It was a very cordial and polite message. Of course no response. Coward is walking the line. However, yesterday I got an email from him stating he recieved a call indicating there were pics of the 2 of us on my classmates.com web page and asked if I would kindly remove them. He did not reference the short story email from 2 days prior, which indicates to me she was hovering over him to write this message. I logged on to my webpage and there were all nasty comments underneath all of my photos. The pics were not inappropriate. Some were of my son, me and MM, My friend and MM. The point is she has logged on 4 times since yesterday> in order to view me on this site, she must really be researching me or something. Do you girls think she is crazy or dangerous. I am ignoring his message like he ignored mine.
Well, she’s probably not crazy- very upset and angry is a better possibility. Dangerous… well, as dangerous as any woman scorned might be. It’s possible. To get a better understanding of your situation, I’m just wondering what her “nasty comments” were… and whether they were insulting/ threatening/ etc. Ignoring his note is a good idea. Stick with the no communication. I can see why removing the pictures would be a benefit to him… perhaps he wants you to hide the evidence. But also, if the motivation for removing them is coming from his wife- perhaps she is humiliated and the fact that there are pictures of him on your page is embarrassing for her. Maybe keeping them up there will force her to accept the fact that her husband has been up to something, and getting rid of them would help her believe one of his excuses better so that she can comfortably settle back in denial. My one reason for why you would possibly want to take them down is that (and without any other ID info on you, this is a stretch) her knowing what you look like could be a potentially dangerous thing for you. But I suppose she knows what you look like already, so taking the pics down wouldn’t make a difference. It seems like whether she is a threat to you or not, what she is looking for is to get either more information or a reaction out of you. Ignoring her comments will likely keep you from becoming the target and make her focus on the fact that HER HUSBAND is also responsible for being in those photos. Maybe leave them up a few days longer, and without communicating anything to him or her, remove the pictures from your page in as if you did it simply because you two are no longer an item and you don’t need his stupid face mucking up your page anyway. And seriously, you probably don’t need to have his pics on your page anyway… no sense in detering all of the nice men looking at your page from taking an interest in you. PS- I wouldn’t hold your breath for that apology. You won’t get it. And if you do, it will likely be a thinly-veiled attempt to get you on his good side again so he can keep you where he wants you… at his beck and call. His absence of response is your answer. Let the “no further contact, EVER” start now. It will save you a lot of heartache and trouble.
Liza:
I am more concerned with your email demanding an apology before the NO CONACT sets in. Sounds like an attempt to get him to crawl back or just not to end things. He is a cowardly loser and will likely never give you an apology and if it ever comes, it will not be sincere. Apologize to yourself for allowing this to happen. That is whay I am trying to do. I have to accept the fact that it was ME who let this guy take advantage of me even though I was at one of the worst pioints of my life when the affair started. He really gives me nothing and I am to blame for hanging on. I once told him if he cared about me he’d let me go, but he hasn’t. It is my own weakness that allows this to continue. There are really no consequences for him, or for any MM until the wife gets suspicious -as in your case. True selfish, cowardly colours start to show, don’t they..>?
Sharmuta,
Thanks for your quick response. You are indeed the chairperson of this site. Anyway, getting back to her comments under the pics. The first one stated”Desperate measures for desperate times, you will never have this life”, the 2nd with MM and my friend said “Ditto” and the third said”BE careful or she will be after yours next”. I am certain he does not tell her that I still try to communicate with him. He is a coward. They live about 35 minutes away but he works here. Anyway, last Friday my friends saw him at a place here, where I have been with him(On our first date) and also where I would frequent every Friday for Happy Hour. He was there witha coworker who has been in contact with me up until about 2 months ago. Srange coincidence. He said hi to my friend and he saw her texting on her phone and still stayed. Do you think that was an attempt to possibly run in to me or am I reading into this? Why is she looking me up after 7 months. Doesn’t she have what she wants?????
Cinner I did not understand your last sentence. What do you mean? Thanks
I just meant the fact that he did not respond to your email, nor did he acknowledge your feelings, but he got worried about his wife seeing the photos and asked you to remove them. That to me is indicitive of these cowardly, selfish married men. They only care about themselves. And, maybe their wives – not enough to be faithful but enough to put her feelings over yours every time.
I do agree about the cowardly selfish part. And no, I do not believe that one lives a double life if they love their wives. I think They are afraid(coward) of losing the false sense of security(and Kids) and what they will be thought of when the truth comes out. He has to play up to his part of her (wife) being victim because he is not man enough to stand up for himself. If the MM was not to be judged their decision would e a whole lot easier. But it doesn’t or rarely happens. Most men are Pu..y whipped because they are typically the weaker sex. They aren’t housing us or the kids so we are the easier ones to push aside to save their neck.
Hi everyone!’
You ladies have been very quiet of late. I miss your wisdom and venting with you. I am having a very hard time…hate being with him because as we all know I am not really “with him” at all. But, at the same time, I hate being without him. I don’t know which is worse, really. I keep thinking that if I ever make a clean break, it will hurt but eventually it will end. Why can’t I do it? Why do I torture myself month in and month out.? Maybe if I understood why I put up with this endless turmoil, I c ould find a way to get myself out. Any ideas?
Cinner- It IS hard, but the power is in your hands. You are right when you say that if you make a clean break it will hurt but eventually it will end. Let’s look at your other option: You stay in this painful relationship, put up with his crap, and the “endless turmoil” will NEVER stop. Short-term pain VS. Endless turmoil… hmmmm. You have to believe, or better yet KNOW, that the power to stop this disaster is YOURS. You can tell him NO, you can hang up the phone, you can take a nice vacation to a place where you can’t be reached, you can start dating other men who are emotionally available and treat you like a queen. As the old Paul Simon song goes, “there must be 50 ways to leave your lover.” Pick one and STICK TO IT NO MATTER WHAT. It’s like if you were a drug addict and your doctor told you that one more dose would kill you… you would find a way to avoid that drug, so long as you cared for yourself even a little bit. Just tell yourself you don’t love him, he’s just an addiction. He can be a little bit easier to avoid that way. You just have to trust that you have more power and strength to do this than you are giving yourself credit for right now. Get through the week of hard pain and things will steadily improve in many areas of your life. Stick to one month of NML’s NO CONTACT rules… once you have a month of no contact under your belt, you will have a lot more confidence about your ability to keep going.
As for me, Mr. Emotionally Available boyfriend has now become Mr. Physically Unavailable boyfriend as he has just moved overseas (from USA to London) for school (I’ve known of his plans for months). We are trying to stay together and I will be visiting him in 3 months, but obviously I have become nervous about my ability to trust anyone, especially if I can’t keep an eye on them. He is totally trustworthy and one of the sweetest, most caring men ever; I’m just really nervous that somehow the distance is going to damage this great thing he and I have going on. However, I am confident that I will not use his absence as an excuse to reconnect with MM. Yay! Also, I feel like it’s going to be good for me to build up a strong sense of who I am without a man around me all of the time. So there’s positives that will come from this, but I am also sad and a little scared to have him away from me. It’s been really difficult to learn to trust again. Anyway, I guess I’m trying to say that I’m just going through a little rough patch and any words of encouragement or advice would be more than welcome! Thanks ladies!
Sharmuta,
Please whatever you do stay away from the ‘MM- you have come way too far and you have been such an inspiration. I know the current situation sucks but it has got to get better. Sometimes all that gets me through this is you and the one or two others who have managed to survive. Thanks so much. You are so much stronger than you think.
I can’t thank you enough – please be strong for yourself and the rest of us!
Sharmuta,
Yea, i’m still here and reading everyday. I truely beleive everything happens for a reason. We just get to make our own choices on how to handle what is happening.
Your new guy leaving is just “physically” leaving. He is still with you. And in all honesty, that is really what all of “us” want. Emotionally, he’s still yours!
Do exactly what you say you are going to do and learn to grow and reconnect with old girlfriends, family. Find yourself again without a man bein up your butt. ha
I agree 100% with cinner. You are an inspiration to us all. Hang in there lady. Sounds like he’s a keeper. Sounds like he loves you. Now find and learn to love yourself.
Nothing really to say about myself. Haven’t moved forward. Right now just treading water.
Hey there, i have come across this wonderful site as i sit crying my eyes out after a MM dumped me for no reason last night. The night before he held me all night, the day was wonderful as have been the last eight months. I work with him. and unfortunately he part lives in the same block as me. He promised to leave his wife, but when he moved to the block he still uses his phone in private and to be honest i think he has been lying to me about when he went to “visit his kids” he said she was out. but i am seriously starting to doubt it. he was at home when he called me, and all he said was”theres no easy way to say this, i cant see you anymore, ive got to go.” and that was it. i sent him two angry abusive messages, and i saw him at work today and all i could do was walk past with my head down. I am crushed. We share the same circle of friends and they want to go to the pub tonight and i know he is going to b there, it makes me want to sit in on my own. my friend says he is acting like nothing has happened. he was so loving and it was ALWAYS him chasing me, right up to the last gasp. I think she made him call me. but i can’t face talking to him because i am in a mess. To fill you in, she knew he had an affair with me, and he left because he said he didn’t love her, and to be with me. i sacrificed my reputation, my heart and numerous offers from nice men, for an average looking guy,10 years my senior, im 24, married with 2 kids who after 3 years of chasing me, got his way.
I feel so stupid but i can’t let go. My friends tell me i could have any guy i wanted so why am i in this situation. Pls help girls 🙁
i mean HE has 2 kids, not me.
To the ladies that haven’t been able to break from your MM yet, Cinner et al:
First, I understand how painful and how hard it is for you to make the break,
But now that you have the knowledge and insight about emotional unavailability from this website, what is it going to take for you to actually end it? What more of a wake up call do you need? You are are aware you are being used and toyed with by a MM for an ego stroke. You are wasting time and when you look back at this (that is, if you ever actually break away) I guarantee you that you will be embarrassed by how long you stayed.
From my own experience, you really need to look inside yourself, seek counseling if necessary, to find out what it is in your past that makes you stay in such a humiliating situation with a man, and what this man represents to you. Maybe your father wasn’t around when you were growing up, or there was some other issue with your father. But you need to identify whatever the issue is, come to terms with it, and recognize the impact on you and your relationships.
If you think your MM “loves” you deep down, but just has other reasons why he can never be with you formally, you are sadly mistaken. These men, and other EU men, cannot love. They may look like they can when they are in pusuit mode, or still want to keep you around, but they can not. I know how hard it is to accept that you are being used, and you want to believe, deep down, he really loves you, but trust me, it’s not the case.
In addition to being with different versions of EU’s and being an OW once, I was a Married Woman, carrying on an affair with an Other Man for 5 months (I think men have a bit more pride and are able to hit the road quicker than women when they are the OM). I intially lied to the OM, and told him I barely saw my husband. At first, I felt so much passion towards the OM and felt really in love. He was giving me passion and the feelings I never felt for my husband, and he made me feel alive. Then when I felt my situation being pressured by the OM to make a decision to be with him and end my marriage, I started to lose the passion, slowly but surely. Don’t get me wrong, I still wanted him, but he became lesser in my mind and less attractive. I also lost respect for him and at the very end as he came across as a little pathetic because he was still there and I was stringing him along. I wanted to keep him there still though, so I gave him excuses about work and other “difficulties” in my life as to why I couldn’t make a decision. It made me feel good to have 2 men that wanted me. My husband did not know about the affair. Finally it ended it because there was too much pressure from the OM and I didn’t want to get found out. I did it with excuses, but he finally took the hint. Yes I know this all makes me sound bad, and believe me, Karmic EU’s gave me a taste of my own pain before this and after, and then some. I was a very unhealthy individual with unacknowledged issues. I was a liar, and that is all these MM are, liars. But at the same time, outwardly, I appeared very sincere and loving to both my husband and OM. I didn’t appear as a heartless b***ch. I was just “confused”.
I just wanted to explain to you, I was not capable of loving anyone, the OM or my husband at the time. And neither are these MM. I thought I “loved” my husband, but I just didn’t have any passion for him. And after the passion started to diminish for the OM, I devalued the OM in my mind, and he did serve mainly as an ego stroke for me at the end. I still didn’t want to let go of him either, because I missed my ego stroke. I liked having him want me and having him be there for me. I also felt very, very little guilt or remorse in this situation about lying or cheating to my husband at the time. I truly believed and rationalized it as “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him” and “men do it all the time, so why not me?”.
The reason I am telling you all this is because I want you have an idea what you really are to your MM, in case you believe otherwise.
I just want to give you a picture beyond the doubt that these men are not capable of loving anyone, you or the wife. They are having their cake and eating it. Believe me, if my OM didn’t pressure me or I wasn’t worried I would be found out, I would still let him hang around. They are taking advantage of you, and the longer you let it drag on, the more pathetic you appear in their eyes, and the eyes of others. The wife, if she knows about the affair, is just as pathetic. You are two equally pathetic characters in this man’s little world, and she is no better off or worse off than you. I apologize if this sound harsh, but it is the reality you need to face. It’s sad to see that you are still hanging in there with them. No one deserves this kind of relationship. Please do whatever you can to break away. Walk away, and give them radio silence.
He is now saying he wants us to get along!! makes me want to scream. he says that the closer he gets to me the further he feels he is getting from his kids. Y didn’t he think of that before he dragged me in? i told him that too. i never interfered with him seeing his kids. i stopped myself from saying anything and smiled sweetly. I used to be a strong person. I can’t believe how low i have sunk. My reputation in tatters, heart broken, but still at his beck and call. as much as i try to fight it.
Hi:
You are all so right – I am sitting here crying because he was supposed to call me or see me today and …nothing…no word, nothing. I am so frustrated. We discussed ending things a couple of weeks ago and he even said it would be a relief for him because I keep breaking up with him every week and he can’t take that anymore. So, I said please then, let me go. Don’t come see me or call me after I “break up” with you. But he always does and I can never resist him so it starts all over again. So, we ended up seeing each other Thursday and Saturday and he said he would call or come over today. Basically, we were right back to where we started. Now, however, I am starting to think that maybe he won’t call me and that he has decided that we should stick to the plan and end it. I know its for the best but its killing me. I don’t know if or when he wil call. Mabye its over in his mind or maybe he is just being his usual inconsiderate self and he will call me tomorrow. I know I should not care, but I do. I am so frustrated, angry, lonely. I can’t call him and he knows that but sometimes I really think let him explain it to his wife….Oh boy, I am rambling. I am just in a whole world of pain right now.
Thanks to all of you for being there and for the advice. It really is sinking in….I think that since the site is when I started breakin gup with him every week because I know its wrong, I know he is feeding my bull and I know I deserve better. Not the smooth, happy, easy little fling he once had…
Cinner and GC- Thank you so much for your words, they really mean a lot to me! I don’t think my fear is so much that I will contact MM, I’m just realizing that this is the first since I began dating that I will be TRULY on my own, forced to make all of my decisions based on what I want to do (and what is that again?) and not revolve my sense of accomplishment mainly around who I’m dating. I mean SERIOUSLY, I have not been truly without a man around for more than 2 weeks since I was 19!!! Because I’m in a situation where I am staying loyal to a man even though he is not physically going to be around me for awhile, I really can’t cling to a man to be my confidence and happiness. It has to come 100% from me now, and while the prospects of that are really exciting… the newness of it is pretty scary! I know it’s going to be good for me to grow as an individual for awhile. But it’s going to take a lot of getting used to.
Carm- Thank you so much for sharing your perspective as someone who has also been on the other side of things. That was brave of you to share and provided some excellent insight. I think it’s hard to admit, but something we all share in common with these MM or EUM is the fact that we are trying to make ourselves happy with relationships, when really, we all must learn to love and respect ourselves before we can share this same love and respect with others.
Cinner- I am reminded of a quote by Khalil Gibran, “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.”
You are starting to break open and hurt. Very soon, you will see what a good thing this is! In the meantime, go to the spa or something and spoil yourself to stay occupied and (at least a little bit) happy. Have some tea, watch a movie, take a nap. Oh…. and don’t answer the phone if he calls you. 🙂 No explanations to him are needed. I don’t just think you’re ready to be done- by the way you are writing, I KNOW it! Stop wasting your lovely little life away. Now. If for no other reason, then do it because I’M TELLING YOU TO! 🙂 Congratulations on moment one of no contact!!!! Now keep going…
Sharmuta, thank goodness for you! I think I will really need you and all the ladies who know from experience what a terrible thing it is to be involved with a MM.
You are really strong and I think you know deep down that you will get though the separation from your current man. Write to us when you feel lonely…bye for now.
Hey! The site’s working again! I gave up for awhile there… Hope you all are well and making tremendous progress! I’m still holding strong with “new guy”… well, about 5 months “new” at this point. After spending a lot of time on the phone with my parents this week, I have realized that they are BOTH emotionally unavailable beings (my dad being of the cheating variety) and no wonder that’s what type of person I was behaving like and going after. But I thought NML’s article on “loving yourself” was absolutely dead-on today, and perfectly describes a lot of the internal processes I’ve been undergoing to stop the cycle of despair. I really love and respect myself now, and I trust myself to be loyal in my relationship (before I think I always had a bit of a wandering eye… as I was just waiting for the signals that a guy was thinking of breaking up with me or cheating on me). I can finally trust again- even though my bf is overseas. I am proud of the progress I have made in the last few months- even in my effort to create stronger friendships outside of the one man I date. I feel like my life is generally healthier and more balanced, and my head is clear and at peace. MM’s birthday was a couple of days ago and (remembering how he’d lied to me about his age when we met) I sent him a text saying “Happy BIrthday! BTW- If anybody asks, you’re 35 now.” He sent back 2 pages of text basically thanked me for the reminder, since his memory was not very good with things like that (joking), he then went on to say how he’d been thinking about me the night before, particularly this one date we went on, and also thanked me for saying happy birthday because “not many people remembered.” etc. I replied to all that by saying “I hope you have a good year” and left it at that. He replied to that with Ok, thanks… blah blah blah. Anyway, all that is to say that I was able to communicate (indirectly) forgiveness to him. This doesn’t mean that there will ever be a friendship between us, but it does mean that should our paths ever accidentally cross… I am strong enough now that I know I will not break down crying or become so enraged that I want to kick him in the groin and run. In my eyes, he is no longer God’s-gift-to-Earth, nor is he a curse sent up from hell… he is human, and so am I. Fortunately, I am a human who has learned that happiness is not something we must find, but rather something we must create for ourselves.
Hey Ladies!
I missed you! I had a rough few days and went to the site for solace, only to discover it was GONE. So glad we are back in business. As for me, had a couple of weeks without him and then relapsed in a bad way. This weekend is Thanksgiving here and his family was home (to their home) from out of town, while I spent the holiday with my family but feeling very much alone watching my sisters and brother with their partners etc. But, I have made some progress. I broke some datse with him because I had better things to do – will not revolve my whole schedule around him…. then, I had not heard from him in a few day and he showed up at my house this morning and I was actually at first for a second, disappointed – what is that about? I was disappointed that he came to see me?? I think I am slowly realizing thast I am happier without him. When I see him, for the whole hour or so we get, it makes me upset for days afterward. If I don’t see him, I miss him but I feel better in a way. I am really confused right now, but I think Sharmuta is right ) I am ready to end this.
Thanks and glad we can help each other through this site again.
hello all,
i was just shut out by my MM. i have been with him for 4.5 years and we worked together during the first 1.5. The first 8 months were okay and then i got pregnant which changed things a lot. He convinced me to get an abortion and promised that we would get married and have a family. I got it under these premise and then he wanted to break up with me. I was hurting so badly from the situation and didn’t have many people to turn to given the circumstances. So i pleaded with him to help me through the situation. He couldn’t give me the light of day and just kept making it about him. It drove me insane and i became angry and told him that i would reach out to our company and his wife as i felt used. but i never had any intentions to do so. I know this was wrong. however, after he changed companies he continued to see me and continued to lie about his home situation. in the meantime he was going on vacations with this family and telling me that he wants to get married to me. his wife found out twice about us and the pregnancy but she didnt believe me. anyway we were together until this weekend. he took me on vacation and when we got back he left the next day with his family for japan. he will be there for a very long period. he didnt even tell me that he was leaving. he said he would turn down the offer and wouldn’t hurt me but he has. i know its a good thing that he is gone but the pain is so great and unbearable. i am hurt and embarrass that he did this. he lied so many times and i always knew but choose not to believe it. i have so much anger and impacted by the fact that his wife quit her job to move with him. how do i move on?
Dear Trista:
It is so easy to see what you should do – move on and never look back! He is a selfish coward as all of these men are. However, I never seem to be able to practice what I preach and I know your pain is very real because I feel it myself every day. Try to think of what advice you would give a friend in this situation and try to follow it. For me, I just found out that a friend;s mother has died. She had a single guyh in her life who will be there to help her through it. I thought of my situation and if it happens to me, I think I would rather be on my own than craving someone who CHOOSES (yes, it is a CHOICE) to be with someone else. Why do we take crumbs> Why let yourself be second best?
I am answering my own question…. YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR THIS AND SO AM I . LETS SUPPORT EACH OTHER AND END THESE DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIPS.!
Cinner – thank you for your response. I know this is all true but it hurts so much and i am trying to find the strength to move on. I can’t understand how someone can hurt another so badly intentionally…where is the descency??? my hearts breaks every second for the way he treated me. it hurts more when i am by myself. he left on Sunday and didn;t even say goodbye after spending a week with him. i feel so used and as though he hated me. i wish there was a support group for this.
Hello everyone I have read most of ur stories and oh boy can i relate…. ! year of heartache.. I just can’t seem to move on.. But maybe y’ll can help
Ladies – any feedback? i am sinking here in real pain and dispair. i can’t stop thinking about how cruel he ended it with me. i feel so hated and disliked and powerless. please help me.
Oh Trista!
He is a terrible excuse for a person and you probably sometimes wonder why you love him but you do… But, someday you will realize that you are so, so much better off without someone like that in your life. I am not quite at that point myself but I am getting there. Would you really want to be with someone who can be so selfish and cruel?
Please, feel better and know that while we cannot take away the pain, we are here for you – at least I am and I know some others like Sharmuta and Carm (to name two who have helped/are helping me get through) are there too.
Take care of yourself. You deserve it. He is the one with the problem.
hello,
Well I have been seeing mm for over a year now I knew he was married from the begining but at first it didn’t bother me. As we became intimate my feeing increased and I was head over heels’ anyways, the mm said he would leave her after he gets his masters which is in one year..should I believe him??? He tells me he is madly in love wit me and wants a family with me. I tried to break it off soo many times but he talks me out ofit..makes all these promises about how he will make me happy. Everything is perfect except for when i remember he is a mm. it hurts like never before but he keeps reassuring that its worth the wait and we will live happily ever after…. He never really mentions the wife he refers to her as someone’ or his kids mom.. he makes me feel really special and spends alot of time wit me but the fact that he sleeps in the same bed as her kills me. I don’t understand how I was ever okay wit this.. I want to end this i havn’t called him all day he keeps leaving me these voicemails and tex msgs saying he loves me its so tempting some1 help me pls!!!
Some 1 respond I have been sitting infront of this screen wating for ur feedback..I am so frustrated and confused and mixfeelings all day..HELP!!!!!
Mail Queen!
I know exactly how you feel. Please RUN away from this so-called relationship.
They seldom leave. Although, having said that my own husband did leave me for the other women….
I. like you, was ok with things for the first while. I thought, great guy, great sex, newly single (me) so no strings but oh, how those feelings creep up on you.
If he loves you so much then he will be there AFTER he leaves. Don’t let him have his cake and eat it too. Such a cliche but there is much truth to most cliches..please take care.
cinner thank you so much!!! this is the first time i have ever mentioned the stiuation to any1 it feels so good to have ppl to relate to.. thats prob why i stuck around because i had no support.. I keep thinking that its different and we are meant to be and I feel like it would be a mistake to leave him… if this is sooo wrong why is it so painful to get out
mail queen:
Sounds to be like you are rationalizing and justifying – we all do it. And, we all make excuses for our MM. I get so angry, lonely and frustrated that I think anything has to be better – even the pain of ending it. But, that goes out the window the minute he walks in the door. I must say though that now I am growing more and more dissatified, faster and faster. I used to be ok with seeing him once or twice a week but now I wonder what he does when I am not there. How honest is he being with me about his relationship with HER , after all, he is lying to her about me. I have been in this situation for 2 years and I have to ask myself – do I still want to be here 2 years from now- hell no. I would say, if he has not left by now, he probably isn’t going to. Tell him to sort his stuff out and only ten contact you. If you are still available then you’ll talk.
Cinner – thanks for the quick reply. no i dont want to be some one who is so selfish but i keep imagining what a good man he must be to his wife who quit her job to be with him in japan. I am a good person and he intentionally hurt me. it was so easy to shut me out without telling me the truth – why? when i pleaded with him. i feel so used and lost.
Trista, Trista, Trista…
You are calling him a good man? Think about it! He is not a good man to her or anyone else. He is doing what suits him. If feel for you because I know the pain you are going through but I also feel for her because she is still with him/ You are free – please try to embrace that and think of it as a gift.
As for feeling used and lost – no surprise because that is what you are. That is what all of us on this site are (or in the case of the lucky, smart ones) were. I am so thankful that they are here and still care enough to show us that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Go back and read some of the old postings. You wil see yourself and you will also see a ray of hope….
Heading to bed but I will check in tomorrow. Try to have a good night and get some sleep.
Trista and Mali Queen,
Definitely go back and read my old postings (there are a lot of them at this point), and if you don’t start to see a connection between your unique situation and everyone else’s “unique” situations (including my own)… please ask questions! For now, I will just say that the extreme pain that comes from this degree of BETRAYAL is awful!!! But as you start to understand how/ why you decided to stay with someone who kept “waiting” to commit themselves fully to you and who was incapable of showing you real love, you will learn soooo much about yourself and about how to create positive change in your life and in your future relationships. It sucks now. It is really, truly one of the lowest lows you may have ever felt before. But keep coming here for all the love and support you need to make it through this, okay? I would also reccomend getting yourself in to see a therapist for support if that is possible for you. If you can commit to staying away from these men and learning to respect and love yourself, you will realize that this horrible disaster of a relationship was really just a wake-up call for you to reevaluate who you are and what you deserve out of life. I’m not going to sugar coat it— you’re going to feel like shit for at LEAST the next week. But it does get better… bit by bit… I promise.
Sharmuta / Cinner,
thanks for the words of encouragement. I know everything is true that has been posted here and i can only hope to get better with each passing day. I am struggling to reconcile why i stayed for so long and let him treat me like crap each time when i knew the truth all along. I was afraid of being alone and i saw in him a powerful man that i clinged to. even now i get angry but yet the pain eats at me when it should motivate me. i dont’ want to give up as i feel that will make him feel better. he has never been happy for me at work with my success and i feel like he intentionally set out to destroy me. i feel like he is laughing at me for what he has done and this was repayment to me. he took so much of my life away and did so much damages. I want to survive this. i want to be in a better place and have my own life.
Thank you so much guys for your advice, but I picked up from him this morning because I felt sooooo guilty yesterday was the first time that I have not spoken to him for 24 hrs and it hurt so bad. Anyways he told me he was worried and didn’t sleep at all lastnight because he thought something happened to me.. I told him i need time to think about things I should have just told him it was over WHAT IS WRONG WIT ME Y AM I PUTTING UP WIT THIS SHIT?… Well i am going away for the weekend that might help to a little but i just don’t think i can do it..
why is it breaking away from a MM seems more emotionally devasting than breaking up with a single man? is it only me that feels this way? my pain here seems so intense and recoverable. why is that?
It had come to this day where he pursued another woman during an off-site work event. He had sex with her at her hotel room. I was so devastated. She was a married woman. Because our relationship was a physical one and also a great friendship, he gave me details of the sexual encounter. I cried that night. The pain I felt. I am not sure what kind of pain. I am confuse. Such an awful feeling.I also thought of his wife, how she is married to this man that have been having sexual affair with me and now a second woman. I am really sad and keep picturing him touching her. I felt betrayed. I can’t blame anyone but myself. I knew this day would come. But I didn’t know how I would handle it. I called him a traitor and stop flirting with him at work. He wanted to have sex with me but I gave him the brush off. He knew I was angry at him. He didn’t think I would react this way. I didn’t either. Although he was married, his wife is the one he comes home to but it is me and only me that he has fun with. That dysfunctional ideal had shattered. I am really hurt. I felt a loss. I felt defeated. I think of that woman as a whore. A greedy married whore who has a husband at home and still wants another man. He was proud of his conquest. Even told 2 of our male coworkers. I believe that will not be a one time incident. He will take that chance again when he sees her. I am so so sad. I think I had died inside. I don’t know why I’m crying. I am not even his wife.
Kora – i can understand your pain. I saw emails that my MM sent women paying for services and i was devasted and then i came to accept it and even believe him when he said he didnt do anything. I did it because i was afraid to let go of him – whatelse could i do? it is sad isn;t it? there is nothing wrong with these men – its us dont you think? we let these men get away treatiing us so poorly. you need to contact him off. he sees you the same way he sees this other woman and the woman who will be after you. at the end of the day, there is only one person who matters to him and its his wife. please be strong and relieve yourself of this pain. i know its not easy but you have to try. I am devasted from my situation but i am trying to look forward to the next day when i will feel better.
Thanks, Trista. I am not sure how he loves his wife and have an affair with me and another woman. He even tried a cheating website for married people but didn’t go through with it. I think he has marital problems and issues within himself. He tells me stories where his wife would go into a rage when she suspects him flirting or engaging with another woman. I don’t know what I am going to do since I see him at work everyday. Some sort of twisted way, I wish his wife finds out about him and the other woman. I hope you are doing well with your recovery.
i have had a weak moment and i contacted him. please i don’t know how to stay away.
Are the married men always in a happy relationship with their wives even when they cheat?
Trista:
I am struggling with the urge to contact my MM. He’s called and I have not answered the phone. No call today and now I am getting afraid that he’s given up already and I am so tempted to call him…but your post is making me think twice – you did and you are just as unhappy.
Re them being happy with their wives – mine is and it makes me sick.
Take care.
I have never dated a married man and never will. Married – of limit. Period!
Are they always happy with their wives?
Here is how I see it. He cheated even before he got married and will continue to do so, I look at their marriage like their “home base” from where they “operate”, looking for other women, knowing that the outcome doesn’t matter to them, they play with you and if you don’t play anymore they look for the next one.
If there is not another woman at the moment, there is still the wife, right? He is married after all, isn’t he??
If you Ladies want to cater to those cheaters, liars, jerks, be my guest, I can’t see what you are expecting? Him to leave the wife for you? Then what? He will cheat on you, what is the point? He is no catch but a piece of crap and deep down you all know that.
You are not only dating married men, but these men are scum and have no character, but you are willing to take him in. Can somebody explain that to me?
What makes him so interesting? The fact that you can’t have him?
Do you ever feel bad for his wife? If not, why not? Put yourself in her shoes, you wouldn’t like it!
Where is your pride? Where is your self love? If you associate with these type of men, you are on the same level.
Trista, how did the contact go? What did he say?
i guess the issue is we see what he can give to his wife – the committment, the house, the vacations, going home every night and he has a good package and we blame ourselves because we think we are not good enough for him atleast i blame myself. i can’t see what he is doing is so wrong and there lies my problem. i see this guy as being perfect.
Trista, he gives all to his WIFE, because they are MARRIED. Has nothing to do with you not being good enough, a married man should have 1 woman not 2.
Why can’t you see what he is doing is wrong? He is a liar and a cheater, how can that not be wrong in your eyes?
So, what makes him perfect?
the fact thatr he is so great to his wife
Trista,
How can you say “the fact he is so great to his wife”? HE IS FRICKING CHEATING ON HER! You say that you see what he can give to his wife, the commitment- What kind of commitment is that? And his wife, who you say knows about the cheating, is in her own sad category.
He is not giving all to his wife- maybe the facade of the house, vacations, coming home every night, etc, is what you consider a commitment, but it is NOT. A commitment, among other things, involves not lying to the one you proclaim you love.
You really need to imagine yourself in the wife’s situation, or visualize yourself married to a guy cheating on you. Or imagine yourself cheating on your husband. You say you “can’t see what he is doing is so wrong”. You are right, there does lie your problem. Read your first post you posted. It is absolutely horrifying what you say he did.
It doesn’t matter if they are “happy” with their wives or not. They may appear to be happy with their wives (especially when your relationship with him has run its course) or they will paint their wife to be the problem (especially in the beginning when they are chasing you). Astelle is right on target about their marriage being like a “home base”.
Trust me, after some time (if you have no contact with him), you will be able to see who he really is. Please get Natalies ebook if you haven’t already, and keep reading the posts and posting. I know it’s painful right now, but trust me, you will feel better.
P.S. Cinner:
DON’T DO IT! You know what will happen if you contact him, right? Let him give up. It hurts to let go, but it is the only way to get better and stop the cycle.
In response to Astelle-
“What makes him so interesting? The fact that you can’t have him?
Do you ever feel bad for his wife? If not, why not? Put yourself in her shoes, you wouldn’t like it!”…
For some women, this is possibly true. But understand that one of the key ways MM manipulate the OW is by implying that eventually he will be with her and only her. I know mine definitely tried to convince me that he was only with his wife for (pick one of 10,000 excuses), but LOVE was not one of them… and he saw more of that potential with me. Therefore according to what he was communicating to me, I would have his exclusive attention SOON. I know I felt bad for his wife and I would argue on her behalf frequently, but in my situation they had been (supposedly) separated and he “let” her move back in as a favor because her life would be in serious trouble if he didn’t do this for her…. blah blah blah, and he cared for her as he would for a sister or good friend. How much of this is true, I will never know. But the way my MM portrayed it, he was actually playing the “Hero” role by helping her out and continuing to live with her (as she did his laundry, cooked for him, etc mind you), and he tried to make me feel that if I couldn’t understand what a good thing he was doing, then I was the one with the problem. Really twisted.
As for this part-
“Where is your pride? Where is your self love? If you associate with these type of men, you are on the same level.”
I agree with that for the most part. At the point in my life when I began dating MM, I was very stressed out and my self-esteem was at a low point. But staying with him only increased these feelings, until I got so low (until his actions made me feel so low?) that I felt the only good thing in my life was the few and far-between times when he complimented me or gave me enough attention to have another short-lived ego boost. MM I have come to believe are equally insecure inside, except likely even more so- here’s why: While we may be so lacking in self love that we can allow ourselves to be hurt over and over and continue to rationalize why it is okay to let that happen, married men are not only tearing their own lives apart, but those of their wives, families and all the OW they date. To feel so desperate and so powerless, that you are willing to HURT others in order to attempt robbing them of their power and feelings of worth…. Now THAT’s low.
My point is… I think they are on a lower level than the OW who is being manipulated. But we (OW) also need to take responsibility for our own actions…. we’re not being FORCED into anything and we are not helpless creatures. And we should be smart enough to know that staying in a relationship where we are neglected, used, and lied to is certainly not going to keep us on a path towards cultivating positive self-esteem and self-love.
CInner- A MM who cheats is never genuinely happy with the life he is living or he wouldn’t be as needy and desperate as he is to chase after the security of a second woman. He’s not happy with her, and you have nothing to be jealous of. But he’s probably not happy with you either, because he doesn’t KNOW HOW to be genuinely happy and he doesn’t know how to love others because he obviously doesn’t even have the self-love necessary to make responsible and mature choices in his life. He is a sad little child, and unless “sad, pathetic, immature, unable-to-love, needy, bag of Bullsh**t” is your type, then I here pronounce your relationship dead. You know you hate it- so cut the crap, keep your distance, and don’t look back. In other words, knock it off! You are better than this, and you know it.
yes he has been a horrible person to me but he made me feel like i deserved it because i was not a good woman like his wife. he came into my life and took away everythign from it because i liked him i let him do it. in the end he left and i am struggling to pick up the pieces of my life and i am so tired.
Hey there. Trista, my married man has been promoted this week, meaning his new life will now take him back to the town where his wife and children live, and he is moving back in with them. I know he loves them a lot and I know that for a long time. He has never hidden that from me and he has never promised to leave them for me. Which makes me a slut, probably. But we had a brilliant friendship for three of the four years we know each other and since we kissed each other for the first time last December, we have only made love once. And it was orally, not the full act. Our relationship has mostly been about company and kissing and cuddling to be honest. Which makes it harder on both of us this week as we know for sure it’s over now. We talked last night on the phone about giving each other space for a while and then trying to fight hard to get our friendship back.Now that the anger has died away at being abandoned, I am looking back at the relationship we had before we fell in love, and I want it back. I don’t want the painful relationship we have had since last Christmas. We may have had our ups since then but we have had so many lows that it has been hell. What do you guys think? I know even if he decided to leave his family for me, we would never ever be happy as my parents would never accept him as he is 25 years older than me and retiring from his job in only four years time. So that pressure would only split us up anyway. If friendship could be attained, I know it would be one of the best I have because it was before we crossed a line.
Hi Bereft – Did your MM’s wife know about your friendship with him before it crossed the line? Or were you always a “secret” friend? Did he tell her afterwards? You may have to re-evaluate your definition of friendship. Even if you were true “friends” before you became initimate (meaning the wife knew about you, you weren’t secretly pining for him for the three years before you became intimate), working towards having a friendship now is destructive to you.
Because from this vantage point, your MM sounds like he emotionally cheated on his wife with you for 3 years, and then physically for 1 year, and was using you as an ego stroke, as he even said he never promised to leave them, and now he won’t be able to see you anymore. He had his cake, and ate it, at alot less emotional cost to him than to you.
By the way, what you said:
“He has never hidden that from me and he has never promised to leave them for me. Which makes me a slut, probably.”
No, it doesn’t make you a “slut” (I hate this word, it is such a double standard). Poor judgement and low self-esteem maybe, like many of us have had here, which is why wound up attracted to the wrong kind of guys. The goal is to improve these things so we don’t end up in crappy situations like these ever again.
hello – i need help. i feel foolish to have let this relationship go on for 4 1/2 years while he treated me so badly. i have so much anger inside of me that he called and told me that he wanted to keep the lines open. i can’t stand anything he has to say and i have been so mean to him whihc feels good at the time but then i feel bad later. i want to believe he is a better man but i feel like he is worse human being. why am i so conflicted with him? i feel like he got away with hurting me and i am punishing and he is out have a wonderful life and he got away with it. where is the fairness?
There is no fairness in being the other woman. The heartache is horrendous. I have had a tough time since the last post I put on this and we have spent a horrible amount of time fighting. But we have reached a situation where we are helping each other now by opting not to meet, and to limit phone calls as much as possible (we still have some contact because we need to for work, and also had contact yesterday and today because we wanted a friendly voice from each other). The anger has died with me a little and I think it is because I started counselling last week. My counsellor is grat and makes me realise that I am not a slut, that I fell in love and that I will survive through this. She firmly believes K is in love too and in as much agony as me but that we will never be happy together even if he left his family for me because of his family, our jobs and the vast age difference between us. And she is right. I know we would never be able to sustain a proper relationship because prejudice from others would get in the way and I really think that this realisation will lead me into a better place. In fact, I feel in a much better place today. And I hope Trista that you could also take this route and see if it will help you.
where is everyone?
where is everyone – there are no more responses?
Trista, Trista, sorry that you are still in pain. O.K., this man is gone, he is in Japan and I think it is a blessing for YOU that he is gone and you can’t see him.
Should help you to get over him. NML has so many great posts on here, I wish you can find something that helps you to move on. Download her book, get a bottle of wine and read it over the weekend and do the exercises in the book. Keep on reading, it has to sink in eventually.
Yes, he wants to keep the lines open to have a FALLBACK GIRL, can you not see that?? Your first step is to CUT HIM OFF IMMEDIATELY!!
You need to look at this as being over, you will end up spending years pining over this guy while he lives his life.
You have to help yourself, nobody else can do that for you. Maybe get professional help to get this resolved, you have to start living your life.
Eventually you will look back and say: OMG, I can’t believe I wasted so much time with him. You talk about fairness? Fairness for what?
Hello Everyone:
It’s been awhile since I have visited or commented on this site. I feel soooo lost and I keep letting my MM back into my life. I convince myself to let him go but the moment I see him or hear his voice, I go right back to letting him back in. I constantly feel lonely and as if I’m not good enough. I feel hurt and my self esteem is probably lower than it has ever been. Astelle, I find your words to be encouraging but I’m also curious as to why you found this site. You had said that you never dated a married man nor will you ever, so I’m just curious on where your insight comes from and if you we’re married to someone that cheated on you. Please don’t be offended by the question but it’s pretty important to me because the woman on this site are in alot of pain and I think we should know exactly why you found this site.
DJ,
I am not offended at all by your question. You can read my story (upper right on this site) “why won’t he contact me?”. When I “dated” this EUM I knew something was wrong, I started to Google: men and ego boosts, players, liars and so on and found NML’s website and was amazed about all this Information and her advise for me. I have never heard about the terms EUM, Fallback girls and so on, started NC to remove myself from this situation, I was basically chasing this guy for a long time. My ex husband cheated on me, but this is not the reason that I feel so strongly about that women should not date married men, has to do with my beliefs and values, my problem was dating an EUM not a married man that brought me here.
As soon as you cut this guy off, stick with NC, it will get better, you will feel better, it will take time but it will happen. Don’t continue to be his Plan B.
Have you read NML’s book yet?
hello all,
i wanted to thank everyone for their response and support. it really give me a lot to think about but i am so weak especially when i think of my future. my MM has contacted me each day while he is in japan and i feel so much worse each day because he is there with his family and telling me he missses me. he writes and calls and i can’t understand why… can some one help me understand? i am scared that i will never be with someone. I am 37 years old and so much want to have a family. i have a great job and i am not ugly but yet no one wants me. other than my mm who only wants a little of me. i am so tired of these feelings and this life. so tired.
Trista:
With the exception of the Japan part – your post could have been my own. Regarding the fact that “no one wants” you – some friends of mine have told me that is not the case. They say that I am not open to meeting someone who wants me and that I send out an unavailable vibe…Not sure I agree but it makes some sense…Others tell me that I am too fussy. I think that is unfair. Why can’t I have someone I want and who wants me? Why should I have to settle? That said, I know I will never have what I want with my MM and the only way to ever get what I do want is to get over him and start to open myself up to new people and new experiences.
Good luck to you (and to me, and to all of us)
Has the site ended?
Bereft, the site hasn’t ended. This is a very old article with people commenting on numerous posts. If you go to the home page you’ll see the site is still live. Thanks
I m sexi man
What a long and torturous road it has been, the sweetest of soaring highs and the most despairing black heart-rending lows I thought I could ever feel and still survive.
My MM was different too (just like everybody’s), he really loved me, he wanted to be with me and would be… as soon as he finished his course, as soon as he got a job, as soon as he found somewhere to live… oh wait, his kids aren’t moved out yet, he better wait for that… oh and now his poor wife is lonely with the kids gone, he can’t leave her just yet, he is still fond of her after all.. but no they don’t sleep together, and no they’re not *in love*, and no he isn’t going to stay with her… but he does. Weeks stretched into months, stretched into years… six years.
I was 21 when I met him, inexperienced and a virgin, but badly emotionally damaged from a dysfunctional childhood. He lied to me at first, I thought he was single, we met online and he spent hours helping me through the pain of the past. He convinced me he was madly in love with me and was the first person to tell me wonderful things about how ‘good’ I was, how ‘special’. He was also more than 30 years my senior and I lapped it all up like the praise I always craved from my father. I fell so much in love and needed him so badly that I couldn’t leave when he eventually did tell me he was married.
At first he told me they were separated, and then it was that they lived in the same house but in separate bedrooms (for the kids), and then it was that he hadn’t gotten around to actually telling her they were separated yet… on and on and on the lies went.
I needed them so badly that I clung to every one. We met a few times a year, he held me and desired me and it felt so good I thought I would shatter without him. I cried every night after he fell asleep because of the emotional pain, but I hid it from him… why make his life more difficult?
Years passed and the excuses were piling up and wearing thin. I began to accept that he wasn’t going to leave, and then the rage kicked in. We talked over the internet, I screamed at him for hurting me so much, for making me believe he was going to be with me, for letting me throw away my life on a fantasy. He was cold and stood his ground and it felt like my heart was exploding with betrayal and red hot pain. I cut contact with him and we didn’t speak for a month.
I was lonely and broken and hating myself for becoming a person I thought I would never be. I was socially isolated and had numbed my pain with self-cutting, starvation, endless crying, suicide fantasies, and telling myself how much I deserved what I was feeling.
He messaged me, and a glimmer of light warmed the frozen hell I was in. I grasped at him desperately like a drowning person, and suddenly we were back together, only on his terms. Every moment together with him was sweet and blissful, haunted by the shadows of the nights he would inevitably be gone, and I would be crying myself to sleep again.
I’ve just broken up with him again today, for the second time in our six years… I’m now 27 and as full of pain as I ever was. Only I’m starting to see that I’m doing it to myself, and allowing him to do it to me. I have to stay away this time, I have to suffer through the withdrawal pangs and break through the other side.
The loneliness is terrifying, as is the silence of keeping my pain to myself, so it was a beacon of light to find this place. If anyone is still coming here or reading any of this, please let me know someone’s there.
Hi Broken,
I was just reading new posts and saw yours. People are here, your post is listed and will certainly not be ignored. I am sorry you are in so much pain. Rest assured, there are some amazing men and women here to support you, hang in there, someone will be coming your way…Gail
Broken
You’re story truly touched me and I feel your pain. It’s never an easy task to learn to let go especially when we don’t want to. It is these moments that build character and truly test our resiliance. It is also in these moments that we get to realize and that these “broken” parts of ourselves are brought to awareness so that we can look at them in order to do something about it. I was in the same situation as you although not for 6 years. I bought into the .. Im not happy at home, I sleep on the couch… I just can’t leave because of my kids!! We spent lovely moments together and I fell in love — I jumped over backwards for this man–giving him everything and getting so little in return. I was miserable and at one point I truly thought there was something wrong with me for wanting so much…for believing in him… and I thought for sure that if I showed him how wonderful and loveable I was— that he would make a change. Two years later and it was the same story– just a different day. I congratulate you in having the courage to end it. The timing is irrelevant– it shows that you do have a part of you that knows what is right and what to do— you just have to listen to that part of yourself more. I understand your fears and your feelings of loneliness— we all seek to be loved and a connection but know that you are seeking it in a place that you will never find it for time has shown that he is incapable of it. His time is up BROKEN…. you have given him enough time and chances to prove that things can be different and he has failed at it!!! Please take this as an opportunity to make a different choice so that you get different results. Cry through the pain if you have to– because it does hurt– that part is inevitable— but know that there is only one way out– and that is to GO THROUGH IT in order to come out on the other side. Try not to fall into going back with him in an effort to minimize how much you are hurting right now— because it would only be like pouring salt on a wound. Allow yourself time to heal and know that he is not the answer nor what is going to make the pain go away— if anything– he would only be hurting you more. Don’t think about the 6 years that you have spent in this situation but do ask yourself where you would rather be in the next 6 years…. is it in this same place? Do you not deserve someone who will love you and is fully available to you because you are a giving, caring, loving generous, kind and beautiful person?
Read NML’s book and the posts on this site— they will truly help in learning to understand yourself better, that you are not alone and most of all that there are tools you can put in place to get yourself through this and to avoid getting yourself into relationships such as this.
My heart goes out to you….. xoxoxoxoxoxo
Broken,
I’m not sure if I can post about another forum here, but there’s a forum called TOW (The Other Woman) that has been tremendous help to me. Google it and it should be one of the first ones that come up.
This site is also very helpful but TOW is just for women like us.
Broken,
I truly feel for you and my heart goes out to you. I am glad you found this site and I think you will find alot of support and enlightening information here. It’s so good that you realize you need to stay away from him this time and go through the pain of the breakup. Please remember that it will not always feel this bad, the feelings of loneliness and pain will get better.
I think you must realize already your MM is not a good or healthy guy in the least. Him being 30 years older than you, getting involved with you at 21 years old, knowing your history, all the lies he told you- he is a sick liar and manipulator.
You had mentioned during your first break-up that you were socially isolated. What about now? Do you have anybody close to you that you can confide in about what you are going through now?Sometimes therapy can be useful to help get through times like this.
I want to congratulate you on your strength in ending it. Learning about emotional unavailabilty and unhealthy relationships from this site will arm you with the strength and conviction you need to not get sucked back in again and get through the withdrawl pains.
Hey Broken,
I am also so sorry for all the pain you are feeling right now. Stay strong, use this site, or whatever means you have at hand to get past this man and this relationship.
Right now, I hope for you, that you do whatever you need to find something you truly deserve. It might mean counseling, good friends, relatives, baths, vacations, movies, books, projects, and any necessary distraction you can possibly think of. Positive things that bring beauty, comfort, or knowledge into your life.
Not to be glib Broken, but, hey 27 sounds pretty young to me right now, you are still quite able and beautiful to build a better and wonderful life for yourself. You will, just believe it. The first step is to completely remove this man from your life. Once you have crossed that hurdle, and it will most likely be a bit painful, don’t expect it not to be, you can then rebuild. I think you can. Just the fact that you found this site and are reaching out is all a good sign.
Try, as best you can, to have some good days and try to get some sleep. Best to you. TS
I am so saddened to see that so many women are still posting on here and I am ashamed to admit that I am STILL the OW! I have been posting on this site since 2007 when we had the first thread that had to be moved because we overloaded it with so many postings! I have been with my MM for almost 3 years now. Yes, 3 years! His stories are still the same, same excuses, same everything. The only problem is now, I am even more attached and more emotionally vested in this jackass. I guess at this point, I know I love him for real but it doesn’t make our situation right and I feel like if I break it off with him now my 3 years will have been a complete waste. Or does waiting even longer for him make it more of a waste? His story is the same as most others. I didn’t realize just how right NML was when she said if you take away a lot of things all our stories are the same. They truly are. He says he can’t beart the thought of not seeing his son every day, the economy is bad and he is afraid of having to buy another house, etc… excuse after excuse after excuse. Yet he still claims how bad it is at home and how they can barely even speak to one another without fighting every time. I of course try and explain to him he is doing much more damage to his son by them staying together (if all of that is the truth) than going through a divorce. But what is that going to do? He is going to stay exactly where he is and do what he wants just like I have been letting him for the last 3 years. Why do extremely capable, smart, beautiful and normally STRONG women get involved with men like this?! I even remember reading somewhere about how if these were normal single guys that we were dating, we would SO not put up with all this shit! So why do we? I’m not desperate, have mental or commitment issues, I think I just pick the wrong guys and this time it was a MM. I guess I thought since he claims I am the “Love of his LIFE” (don’t they all say that?) that he would have figured out a way to make SOME sort of damn progress in 3 years. He has made absolutely none. I need help from my fellow females…..ADVICE!
Is anyone out there????
Been There and Sharmuta, are you still around? Liza
LS, I have been posting on this site since Sept. 2007. The anniversary of my MM and my breakup(after I called the wife) just came and went. One year since I have been in his presence. He is the biggest pig and coward. I have had a few interludes with the wife and there has been some drama but honestly and finally I think I am healing. I am not sure if it was rejection that tore me up more than actually losing him. Really, is he a prize??? A married man with 5 kids who not only had an affair for a year and a half but played house too. I am sure he felt guilt for his kids but where is he today. Will there ever be true happiness and trust for them???? he is severley damaged goods and the sad part is his wife let him stay. Wow!!! Se is in some serious denial and he is as well. Its over, I am finally moving on. I cannot even imagine that I let him corrupt my heart and my mind. Never again and kharma will catch him!!!
Hi Liza! Haven’t been checking in here much, which is hopefully a sign that things are going well for me. I must confess that I agreed to meet with MM at our mutual friend’s house a couple months ago, because I felt like I was holding in a lot of anger and I wanted to express how he had hurt me to his face rather than hold that anger in and let it interfere with my current relationship. The first part of the conversation consisted of him giving excuses (and no apologies) for his behavior. He hadn’t changed a bit, nor had his “situation”. Finally, I became so enraged that I just started yelling and cussing at him for being able to hurt so many women and not give a sh**. I told him that instead of making excuses, he needed to start taking responsibility for his actions and start apologizing. It was the craziest emotional release… I mean, my hands were shaking and my teeth were chattering, I have never experienced such a strong emotional sensation in my life. Then I broke down crying and repeated telling him how deeply he had hurt me. Then mutual friend left the room and MM broke down crying. He told me that he had realized that he loved me (something he had implied but never said when we were together) and wished he could have married me (while he was still with his wife, I wonder?). I told him that I was in love with someone else and had moved on (which is the honest truth- and I really felt it as I told it to him. It felt good to know that in a potentially vulnerable situation, my boyfriend and everything that I love about him stayed strong in my mind. Even with a man I once looked up to crying and professing his love to me, I was able to think to myself, “Well, that’s just too damn bad, isn’t it?”). I told him, likely in vain, but with the hopes that if I had any influence on him at this point that he would listen, that he needed to seek counseling for himself and for the sake of his daughter. He said he would, then again through tears, he told me how sorry he was for hurting me and he asked me if I could forgive him. I said that I could, and the weirdest thing is that I ACTUALLY DID. It was like, in that moment this weight had been lifted and I realized that his life and his problems were no longer my burden. I had done everything I could to help him, to stop him from hurting other women, to try to save his family, to try to give his daughter a shot at having a decent father… but it was time for me to accept that for better or worse, these things were in his hands and it was time for me to LET GO. I felt like that was a good time for me to leave, but he tried to stall me with some talk about how there were things about himself that he never told anyone and he felt like I could be the one person who he would be able to trust enough to open up to about these things. I told him that that’s what counselors are for, and that they would do a much better job of helping him out than I could. I also told him outright that while I wish him the best in dealing with his problems, that he and I would never be friends so it would be best if he found someone else, such as a therapist, who he could go to for support. I think he must have been anticipating some kind of romantic farewell, but a goodbye wave was all he got out of me. It felt good. It was emotionally all-over the place for a bit, but I left feeling calm and sure of myself. And without a doubt, I do not need a trainwreck of a person like him in my life.
My current bf, by the way, is amazing. We are in a long-distance relationship, but even so- he is so emotionally supportive and caring. He takes honesty and loyalty very seriously, and it shows through all of his words and actions. Yes, we have had some disagreements- but because he is capable of EMPATHY, he is very kind, patient, and fair in the way he addresses any issues in our relationship. He assumes responsibility for his own actions and takes immediate steps to correct his mistakes when he makes them. And when I am to blame for something (it happens), he points it out in a way that is constructive and supportive. It is so refreshing, so healthy, and I feel absolutely loved and cared for at all times. I highly recommend dating emotionally available men. The type of men who cheat are not capable of giving love, not even your EUM, not even to amazing you. That won’t change, and you can’t change it. But you can choose to date better people, and if you cut the chains with your EUM, you will be free to find one.
I haven’t been on this site since November and it’s been the same old stuff just a different day. Today is hard for me because I know what I have to do and I just sit at my desk and cry. I started going to a Therapist and she wants me to focus on the positive of leaving my MM. I’m trying to let go but this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I continue to think about him getting over me and letting me go. The cold hard truth is that he doesn’t want to come home to me. But I try to remind myself that it’s not me that has the problem, it’s him. He is selfish, he’s a coward and he will never leave his wife. He truly likes living a double life and will probably do it again after me. He doesn’t love me or his wife, he only loves himself. Please help Sharmuta and Been There. Sharmuta I’m so proud of you and I only hope I’ll be there someday.
DJ, your therapist is right 😉 Focus on the positive. There is a huge world out there outside of MM. It’s hard to see at first, because MM has been your main focus for so long. There is so much life to be lived and so much happiness to be had. Heartbreak makes it hard to feel this way, but it will fade away soon enough. Please remember that him “getting over you” in no way indicates that you are a person who can easily be forgotten and tossed aside. Just appreciate that when he finally lets go, this is actually a GREAT thing for you. You’re free to find true happiness and love now, because you’re no longer stuck with this emotional vampire of a man. I may not have been capable of really loving you, or his wife, but if it is any condolence- I don’t think that he really loves himself either. He’s very selfish, yes, but I really doubt that he is capable of any kind of love at all. If he really loved himself, he would be happy within himself, and he wouldn’t need to ruin the lives of other people in order to temporarily boost his self-esteem. Keep staying on track. You deserve better than him and you know it. 🙂
By I, I meant *he may not have been capable…
ha ha. Oops.
Hi ladies,
It has been over a month since my relationship ended and I am still having some quite bad days… Yes, I know I must be strong, I know, I am trying very very hard…. But so many things were left unexplained, I still feel the urge to meet him for one final, absolutely final clarification…. I know, I read NML’s posts about the dangers of doing so, but the bad days are very very bad….. When we e-mail, he sounds like a perfect stranger — nice and polite, but not more than that….
Anastasiaya,,
Why are you e-mailing? Is he still with his family?
Hi Gaynor, Yes of course, he is with his family and this is the way it will remain, it is probably better this way. It is just unbearably hard for me, and even though I am trying to do all the ‘right’ things for myself, it is still tough. The ‘no contact’ appears to be much easier for him than for me, for whatever reason (well, after all, he has his little boy). I wonder how much longer I will be feeling this pain. I know nobody can predict that in advance, but still….. And I am usually SO strong….. helping others…. and here I am, totally helpless, again…
Anastasyia,
You’re only prolonging the pain by remaining in contact, the only way you can move on is by going complete NC.
I think if we believe ourselves to be weak we are weak, it’s very important to try and change this mindset. We can do whatever we set our minds to!
Gaynor,
I guess there are just days when it is more difficult. Maybe it is natural, I do not know. Of course we can do whatever we decide to do, but the process of healing is painful, and at the moment I am in that shaky mood where I am having trouble setting my mind to positive things and still catch myself thinking (though I forbade myself to do that!) what a stupid thing I am, for having ended it, that even though it did hurt when we were together, what I have to endure now is just so much worse. Is it natural that some days are exceptionally difficult, and others are better?
Ana,
I understand it’s difficult, it was difficult for all of us, this is not something that cannot and will not be overcome. Go back and remember who and what you were prior to meeting this man? Is that person different now? How has your self-esteem been effected? Do you see any positives from this relationship?
What was it that brought you to the point of recognizing that you needed and deserved more in the relationship? How long were you together? How long has he been married?
No more questions.
Gaynor,
We were together for over 3 years. He has been married for 24 years. This man honestly and genuinely did everything in his power not to make me feel ‘an addition.’ What brought me to the decision that I needed more – simply because 1) this was still a relationship based on cheating, and even if his wife did not appear to mind, he was still married and his first and natural responsibility was towards his family, not towards me – I realised this at a point when I was feeling pretty lonely but he could not be there for me because there were practical things to be taken care of at home. Fair enough, but it also made me realise, more acutely than ever, that I was virtually alone; and 2.) because he clearly assumed that we are “together,” and that I should act based on this assumption, – while it was obvious that in all practical and daily matters he was with his wife and his family. Again, fair enough, but there was a definite lack of balance there. So it just ended….
Ana,
If he had done everything to “honestly and genuinely” incorporate you into his life, he would have left her.
I’m curious how did you know that the wife “did not appear to mind?” This seems see to be a repeating theme here where the married man’s wife ‘seems’ to be open to this type of arrangement. It’s only when the man ‘tries’ to leave the marriage that she freaks out. Doesn’t make sense??
Glad to hear you’re out of this no-win situation.
Gaynor,
I only know that his wife is a very unusual person, emotionally — somebody who has never ever felt jealousy. I really cannot say more than that. I also know that he did tell her he would rent a place by himself. He did not lie in this.
I wonder how some women manage to stay friends with their ex-MM’s. I think it would have a disastrous effect on me. Some people tell me I am stupid to lose him as a friend, but I just would not be able to handle that.
At the moment, I also feel like I will hardly ever have enough emotional power to build a new, normal relationship. There is such a long way to go, so much strength that must be put into this. And yes, I am afraid I must confess that now, at moments of weakness, I do wish I had stayed with him just the way it was.
Ana,
You’re going by what he’s telling you. How do you know he was going to rent a place? Do you expect him to say how much damage and hurt he is causing her by being involved in an extra-marital affair. As I mentioned earlier, this to be a “repeating theme” with these men to make you believe that that the affair is acceptable by all. The whole scenario is a big lie!!!!
Why didn’t he leave her if he is so unhappy?
Oh God, women stay friends with the ex-MM? Why??? These guys are just lying cheats and have nothing to offer anyone, I think it would be quite masochistic to remain ‘friends’ with one of these creeps, I mean what is there to be gained?
Ana, trust me, you will get over this guy and see him for who he truly is, you need to give it time.
I hope so much I will get over him. I am scared. It is like a huge, black empty hole inside my heart, my body. Yes, I know we are strong women, independent women, caring, we really are, otherwise we wouldn’t be here, helping each other. But HOW LONG does this process take? It just cannot go on indefinitely, can it? I work, I function, I go out with friends, nobody can tell by looking at me what I am going through – but oh if they only knew what it costs me….
I ended it with my mm almost three months ago. What I am having difficulty with is the rejection. I feel like I am not good enough, that I am unworthy in some way. That he could have an affair with me but did not choose to be with me. I don’t know how I can feel so inferior to him. No one understands because they think of him as not good enough for me but I feel the opposite.
I know it is self esteem but I always get caught up in the fact that it doesn’t matter that I don’t want him anymore but it matters so much that he does not care that I left him.
Hi Anastasiya, you should be so proud of yourself for making it this far. I have not broken up with my MM yet but I know I’m going to. I believe you are stronger than you give yourself credit. It’s easier for them because their men. Woman seem to be more involved emotionally then men. It probably bothers him more than you know. I started seeing a therapist and she recommended focusing on the positive of not being with him, so here are just a few to think about, You won’t be breaking plans or changing your plans because he can meet up with you. You will no longer be 2nd. You will no longer question your self worth, you will no longer wait for his phone calls and trust me he will suffer when he see’s your strength. He doesn’t deserve you and as soon as you heal, you are going to realize it too. Trust me the wife does mind. Just imagine, if you we’re married to him, would you let him have a girlfriend? I feel the same way you do. I don’t feel worthy and I feel the worst about myself than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. We are worthy and the only asshole that doesn’t see it, is the one we seem to be in love with. Just ask Sharmuta and Been There. They have been through it and they feel better. Stay strong and focus on the times he hurt you and not the good times, because I’m sure the bad out weigh the good. Leeanne It’s not rejection. Try to imagine he can’t have you. Be proud of yourself for making it three months. You are so amazing and there is someone out there that will be worshiping the ground you walk on. Ladies, my prayers go out to you and I hope everyone has a peaceful evening, tear free.
Ana,
The most important thing now is that you get your self-esteem back. Once again you will recognize what a vibrant, intelligent and beautiful woman you are who is deserving of someone who can give you 100% of himself, and none of this other nonsense.
Remember, you had a life before this clown and you will have one after, just try to keep yourself very busy. I got involved in many new activities after I split with the creep, not only did I find new interests but made a lot of new friends. I am much happier and stronger that I have ever been, so I suppose there was a benefit to that ridiculous ‘relationship.’
The funny thing is I guess the reason I feel rejected and not good enough is because I have ended it in the past and he has come back. This is the longest stretch of time that we have been apart and I don’t think he will be back. So I feel rejected. I would not take him back but I still feel rejected. Ughh
Ana- His wife is not a “strange person emotionally who never feels jealousy.” The way my MM phrased it, his wife too was emotionally “off” and “cold” and was only focused on raising their daughter so she didn’t care about what was going on in the marriage. Your MM is trying to make it seem like what the two of you are doing to his wife is acceptable, when it is not. He is likely trying to convince himself of this as much as he is trying to convince you. And if it is true that she does not get jealous, perhaps she is a person who actually TRUSTS her partner. Maybe when he says that he is “working late” etc., then she believes him. But I assure you, if she IS fully aware of your true relationship then she is probably hurt by it. In denial maybe, or perhaps she won’t get angry with him because she wants their relationship to stay happy. But unless/until you sit down and talk with this woman yourself, and she tells you FROM HER OWN MOUTH that she does not get jealous and she approves 100% of your relationship, then you are better off assuming that she is NOT fine with it, and that this arrangement hurts her the same way it would hurt any other woman who gets cheated on. In any case, MM has still shown that he does not have the capacity to love any woman enough to be fully committed to them. You or her.
Who the heck is telling you to stay friends with him!? DON’T! What an awful idea (sorry, had to be said). The whole reason your relationship with him doesn’t work is because he is someone who can’t be trusted. Would you be friends with anyone else who you couldn’t trust? Not likely. Plus, remaining in contact and close proximity isn’t going to give you the distance you need to move forward in your life, in a direction that takes you far away from him and on to better opportunities.
The biggest self-esteem boost you can get right now is by rejecting the man who has been manipulating you for the entire duration of your relationship. Breaking up with him and getting away takes the power away from him, and puts it in your hands. Heartbreak is painful, and is something we like to avoid at all costs. But hearts heal, and when yours does, it will be wiser and stronger. Don’t let the fear of heartbreak prevent you from ending this nonsense with your MM. Don’t think of heartbreak as a barricade, think of it as a door. You can and will get through it.
Sharmuta, Gaynor, DJ,
Thanks for all your support. You may be right about the wife, I guess. But whatever there was really happening, I have learnt my lesson – the hard way. The problem is that it was the first time in my life where I met a person with whom I felt so close; having got out of this, with all the obvious advantages (which it will take me time to see, but hopefully not too long), I feel like I am grieving over having lost something really precious…..
Anyway, ladies, I guess one thing we should all remember is that we all got hurt exactly because we have the capacity to love, because we can genuinely care — and these are good qualities. They are to be cherished. We should never ever forget that. If I ever feel that I have enough power to build another (normal) relationship, I hope this knowledge will help me.
I wish all of us strength.
Does anyone here believe that a married man can love his mistress and not be with her becuase of his children?
No! If he loves you he will leave. Marriages (with children) break up everyday, so I do not see how this is an obstacle.
Bereft,
I think this was my situation, though. The man was attached to the child the way a mother would usually be; the child was attached to him more than he was attached to his mother…. Whenever the father would leave him even for a couple of nights, he would develop fears and anxieties etc.
Ana & Bereft,
Sorry, but you’re not smelling the coffee!
Bereft, didn’t you say there was a considerable age difference between you and your MM, if that’s the case, then how old are these kids?
I agree with Gaynor. So are we to believe that divorced men don’t love their children as much as men who stay in their marriages (but cheat) do? It’s called “shared custody.” He can fight for that in court. Getting a divorce does not mean that he will never see his kids again. He is using that as an excuse to stay married, because the situation works for him and he LIKES staying married. It does not benefit the children to grow up watching their parents participate in a dysfunctional marriage. He is staying married for himself, because he likes having a wife AND a girlfriend. It has nothing to do with the kids, and everything to do with his selfishness.
People stay in marriages for a variety of reasons…..in my case I had a friend who clued in my innocent married brain – that my husband (now ex) hid behind our marriage so he could go out and prowl yet still have an upstanding status within his work and social society. Also gave him an excuse for NOT getting involved if he needed an excuse……
JuJu,
How nice! What a creep!!!! Love these cheating, lying married men!!
Did he lose his social circle when it came out?
Is he is still incapable of having a relationship with anyone today, or is he still an ass?
Gaynor! You probably get more information out of me than my therapist! 🙂 He was actually a wonderful partner – temporarily. He left me for a woman who was married at the time. She promptly got pregnant. My feeling about the whole thing was ‘better her than me’. I think he is still with her – but under what guise? He was a functional alcoholic but lost his very high paying job and after he left me, he was fired and opened a restaurant where I imagine he spends Fri/Sat nights drinking the profits and talking his talk. His social circle was really his work circle when I was with him – and what a bunch of high paid babies they were! He was the type of man that would pack his suitcase and move in with you if he thought it would give him a change or a life he couldn’t create himself. I was with him for 11 years which is probably a good run for him. I had to take him to court to divorce me – he was a head in the sand kind of guy – ‘if I don’t deal with it, eventually it will go away’. Next!!
Juju,
I’m sorry for the betrayal, it’s not fair. Sounds like you had to deal with a lot but are handling it quite well.
Were there any indications that he was leading this double life (alcohol and women) or was he a pro at covering everything up? It’s so funny that once you’ve been removed from a situation you realize that all the comments and actions that you let slip were quite significant to who this individual truly was, unfortunately we can’t go back in time.
How long have you been divorced?
It took three years to get him to divorce – I wasn’t in any hurry about it either. I knew about the alcohol but he always seemed OK (thus ‘functional’) so there was never any ‘he’s an alcoholic’. I had never been around big drinkers
The woman situation was one that I did not detect until the love making slowly disappeared. The one morning I faced him off he decided to leave. He would have hung in there as long as I didn’t say anything……There may have been one woman, there may have been many. He was very loving and attentive until the split – and even after. I think he didn’t know what direction he wanted to go in – thus the history of packing of the bag and moving on to a different life. He left me with everything we had at the time of the split. Things could have been a lot worse.
And as far as “all the comments and actions” are concerned – I look back on things (only occasionally – the divorce was 5 yrs ago) and I have to question everything he said to me – all the stories, the actions, the motivations. It’s tragic since I have to look at my relationship with him, my life and that time with him as tantamount to a lie. It sucks. Actually I have come to the conclusion that he had to think to tell the truth – lies came so easily to him. In fact, when he went into therapy, the therapist asked him if he would agree to tell the truth and my exh said ‘is lying by omission lying?”
How do you deal with that?
But all these years later and after the love that was there in the marriage in the beginning, I don’t hold any grudges and only wish him happiness with the path he has chosen (honestly!)
And then I get involved with the current (ex) AC who was not a patch on my ex and I painted myself into a corner. You would think I would know better and would have learned a few lessons. But all relationships are different and perhaps the distance of time dealing with my EXH faded my ability to see the red flags. No, that’s a lie. I tolerated recent ex’s AC behavior from the beginning. I was lonely, alone and needed companionship. I certainly will never make that mistake again
Sharmuta, Gaynor,
Unfortunately (since it would be so much easier to be able to say ‘what a bastard he is and would not leave his wife because it is more comfortable etc.’), in my case it is simply the truth that he could not leave because of the child (there were, of course, other aspects to it as well, but the child was the major focus of attachment) — even though there would never be any court problems etc., he would always be able to be with the boy as much as he liked. It is too complicated to explain here, way too complicated, but I guess what I am trying to say is that each situation is, indeed, different from what we would recognise as the ‘general pattern,’ and while it is important that we be able to identify the patterns in our own and others’ behavior, I think it is just as important to see the singularity in each given case….
Bereft,
If the children are grown-up, it is different, of course….
Ana, I know that each story is different but I am having trouble imagining a situation that is so different that a cheating father would be the preferred choice to an honest and divorced father. In my situation there were citizenship issues, drama with the in-laws, and all sorts of things where the “welfare” of MM’s child was at stake and contingent upon him staying on his wife’s good side. But no matter how complicated he tried to make it seem, he DID have control of the situation. 99.9% of the reason he stayed in that marriage, was because HE was benefiting from it. The more “complex” he could make it seem, the more confused an unaware I would be about what was really going on, and so I would stay with him with the hopes that these issues were going to clear up soon. In the meantime, he had gained a lot of sympathy from me for having to deal with such a complicated situation, and I trusted that as soon as “the situation was different” he would get legally divorced. In my case, this was simply not true.
There is something about how you say “it is too complicated to explain here, way too complicated” that makes me sense you are not being completely honest with yourself. You can put down a lot of words in these responses, so it’s not like you will run out of space to explain what is going on. I understand too, if you feel uncomfortable sharing certain things. But my hunch is that it could be possible you are experiencing some denial and are making excuses for him because it’s what you want to believe. Obviously, without hearing your story I can’t know this. However, I don’t think it would hurt for you to take a step back and just really make sure that you aren’t simply repeating and trying to validate the excuses that he has been giving you.
Sharmuta,
Thanks for your reply. I must say a lot of your insights, and the thoughts you posted here, are really helpful – not just to me, but I think to all of us.
As for the child-related part of my situation — it is just that, as I said in one of my pervious posts, the father was, in actual life, the “mother figure”. As simple as that. In everything. Also: the child was born when the father was 48 – and immediately became the focus of the father’s world. Plus, of course, the completely dependent wife — but that is a different issue altogether (except that, when I realised the actual degree of dependence, it made me feel horribly guilty).
However, I could not agree more with your suggestion to take a step back and to reassess the whole situation — if only in order not to make the same mistakes again and again, to be completely honest with myself about what it is I want. Up until now, my problem has been that I have never really paid enough attention to my own wishes and desires. But apparently these are important, too….
Ana,
You said to look at each case individually but actually the excuses he’s making are VERY common. Isn’t this the guy who also said his wife didn’t care if he fooled around? C’mon! Look at the other posters stories they all see to replicate your ‘particular’ situation.
I think by accepting his excuses you’re able to excuse away your own decision of a poor choice of a partner. When we truly face the truth re. our decisions-and not believe their foolishness- is when we are able to truly recover and move on to someone who is healthy and available, and deserving of our company.
Gaynor,
Well, maybe, — it doesn’t really matter now anyway. As for the poor choice of partners — you are absolutely right here, this is why I have made an appointment with a counselor, which will hopefully take place tomorrow, and I hope it will be helpful…. As I already said in another section of this blog, I would be grateful if any of the ladies here could share their experiences in this respect, whether counseling really helped, to what extent it was constructive.
Thank you.
Ana,
Counseling helped me most by 1) Helping me to get over my feelings of guilt and stupidity for having been the “other woman” and 2) Helped me to focus on what I DO want in relationships. When I finally figured out what qualities I did want in a man (faithful in relationships, gives me appropriate amounts of time and attention, free from past relationships, etc.), I realized that my MM did not really fit that description (which made getting over him a little easier). Wish you lots of luck! You are headed in the right direction by talking with a counselor, let us know how it goes!
Sharmuta, ladies,
A short report from my first counseling session: I think it was constructive, though also difficult. The bottom line is that in my case what apparently happened is that this relationship, exactly because the man was responsible and caring, taught me to respect myself and take myself, and my own needs, seriously, but since I had never actually voiced my own needs before, I simply did not know how to do it now, so when I found myself not wanting to be the other woman any more, I ended up feeling frustated and guilty and what not. But it was the first time I actually ALLOWED myself to feel this way, and to act upon it… We will now work on how the negative pattern (of ending up with wrong partners) can be broken, while the positive aspects of being able to connect with myself) are strengthened.
Hi Ladies,
I am in a situation similar to all of ur own. I met a married man at my job which happened to be my boss. When he first arrived, I wasnt to interested in him or better yet didnt pay any attention to him. Although he came off as the cool boss type and made you feel very comfortable with him. As months progressed and my life started to fill up with bulls**t, I started to confide in him and ask for daily life advice being that he was older. So the more we chatted the more we both started becoming physically attracted to each other. I remember telling one of my bestfriends how I thought he was so hot and that I wouldnt mind given him a try even though I knew he was married. So I finally got up the nerve to speak about how I wanted to “mess” with him to him. But I definitely didnt know his reponse would be that he wanted to as well. So we talked about this issue and he laid down rules obviously he wasnt new to the game like I was being that I am only 21 and hes 15 years older. He said to me ” Dont expect me to leave my wife” and I said fine because I only wanted to have one night with him and thats all. So we had our one night which turned into 3 and 4 and 5 nights and so on. Our relationship started to enter into months, and it felt good to be with someone who actually was into me because I tend to get into horrible relationships. So months went on then I started to feel myself fall in love with this guy and I told him and his response was the same as mines. I questioned how he could be in love with two people and he said that he had love for his wife but fell out of love with her and was in love with me. My gullable a** fell for it. By the time month 4 came around I started to feel like I was being a homewrecker and which I was. And I started to try to branch off and talk to other people but would always have Him in mind. Whenever I would get a text, he would make comments about me having another boyfriend and it would turn into a little arguement. My answer would always be why are you worried your married. Then he would go on to say if I want to talk to someone else just let him know and he would leave me alone and gave me plenty of opportunities to leave, but I would always stay. My thing is why should he get to have his cake and eat it too. He would go on to say how hes not happy at home and how hes just staying with her because he couldnt afford the house on his own. So I stayed, just out of fear of being alone. So recently I finally decided I needed to break away and tried to do so. I did it at a very bad time when he was also having problems at work. He tried to make it seem like I all I cared about was myself and that when he needed me I wasnt there. Basically he made me feel guilty that I wanted to leave and stated that he was going to be lonely after all. What is a girl to do?? It seem like im caught up in a cycle??
Kim-
I think you know that you can get a better, more honest man than this. My first bit of advice would be to seek out counseling ASAP, not just to figure out how to best manage this situation (since you work together), but mainly because you said that you tend to get into “horrible relationships.” You’ve probably figured out that this one is no better. Yes, you do seem like you are caught up in a cycle of dating partners who are no good for you.
I’m not trying to make you feel guilty here, but in your situation you knew that he was married and was not planning on leaving his wife but wanted to hook up with him anyway. You should ask yourself why you might have first let that happen. Was it an isolated incident of selfishness fueled by the adventure of doing something you know you’re not supposed to do? Or was it maybe a sign as to how you view yourself in other relationships- as someone who is only worthy of a one night stand, as someone who is not worthy of having a faithful partner who loves you and only you.
You have a lot of mess to deal with since you two are work together. Talking with a counselor about the best way to distance yourself from him would be a good idea. Don’t let him guilt you into staying! You made a mistake, you realized it was a bad idea, and now you are doing the right thing and trying to get out of it. You should feel really good about yourself for taking that step, it isn’t easy. He is wrong when he says that all you care about is yourself (and like he has any right to play that card!). You are putting the welfare of his family ahead of your own feelings for him, that is a very kind, difficult, and brave thing of you to do. His loneliness is HIS problem to work through, not yours.
I was 23 when I met my 34 year old MM, so I know how strong the attraction to the older man can be at our age. 21 year old guys aren’t usually as mature as we would probably like them to be, so to find someone who can offer us advice and who we can admire, feels very unique and wonderful. It can be a hard thing to let go of after you’ve experienced it. Don’t worry that if you let this MM go that you won’t be able to find a man who you can confide in and look up to. Though they can be hard to find in your early 20’s, there are other mature and still unmarried men out there. Maybe you should also figure out which qualities of his were so appealing that you thought it would be worth all the risk to go after him. Make a list of the qualities you liked about him, and then you can start to look for those qualities in unmarried men.
Trust your gut. Don’t let him guilt you into staying- leaving him is the best thing you could possibly do for his family and for yourself (and ultimately, even him). Be proud of that, and write back if you ever feel like you need some extra support. Wish you the best! You’ll get through this.
Thank you so much sharmuta for the advice… One of the good things about this situation is that we no longer work together but the bad thing is we still are in contact with each other.. I just wish it never came to this because now my feelings are all messed up…But ur advice definitely help its nice to know that their is someone else who has been in a situation like mines. And what is such a coincedence is that I am going to a therapist but it wasnt planned for this situation but i guess this is one more topic to bring up and discuss. I will keep you posted on the news
So it turns out that “Mr. Perfect” emotionally available guy cheated on me. After leaving his email open on my computer, I checked some emails between him and a girl I had been a little suspicious of, but had given him the benefit of the doubt on. She lived across the country, and they had never done anything physically, but the emails were flirtatious and of a sexual nature. They were on going for months. He never mentioned me to her. He and I were VERY much a serious couple at the time he wrote them, physically and emotionally, and I was definitely his “girlfriend” at the time that their interactions had first begun to turn inappropriate.
After confronting him, he admitted to everything and said that their correspondence had started platonically before he and I had dated, and when it became clear that she was interested in him, he flirted back and was not honest about being in a relationship. I guess shortly after he left for school in London, he cut things off with her and admitted to her that we were dating. He realized that if he continued to correspond with her, they would be having basically the same relationship that he was having with me long-distance. She was very upset with him and hasn’t really spoken to him since.
Do I dump his ass over this, or take him back conditionally?
Ugh. I am so hurt, disgusted and betrayed. F*@K my life.
Sharmuta,
C’mon, Girl, the writing is on the wall! The guy has already cheated on you emotionally-that you know of- why would you give him a second chance? It’s time to stop this self-abusing behavior. Take control!!!
Sharmuta,
I want to add that I’m sorry your were betrayed by this man. The one positive that you can come away with is that you are not willing to tolerate this bad behavior again. I hope?????
What does he mean that she “hasn’t really spoken to him since?”
I would like for his wife to know about him cheating. I dont wanna be the one to tell her. ONe of my girlfriends said she would call his wife anonymously. Is this a good idea? I think she needs to know what an asshole he is!!!
Hi fellow women….I so need support right now, ive been in an unhealthy relationship with a married man that lives 256 miles away from me..It all began one lonely summers day i some how stumbled across a chat site on my mobile phone, anway just by chance started chatting regulary to this guy who i belived divorced it went on for 5 mths we had so much in common and became really good friends..then i met him and that was it! hook line and sinker we spent 4 nights together and from that moment i knew he was the one for me, i should have had alarm bells ringing when he called me jane in bed but i just brushed it aside, i mean he was married for 12 years..lol..the monday morning he was due to return home he told me he was still married and that he was in love with me..i told him to get out and burst into tears!! back on the motorway home he sobbed hes heart out begging me to give him a chance..foolishly i said leave her tonight and go to your mums and we have a chance, he left.. he came back down the following week and we fell back into each others arms..within 2 weeks he was back at the marital home!! i was mortified, he explained that he couldnt stay at hes mums due to personal reasons, i then gave him an ultimatum her or me!! he left her and moved in with me.. i was on a high..within 5 weeks and the wife saying she was going to stop him seeing hes only 12 yr old son and also claiming she would kill herself he went home..within 2 weeks he was txting me again, i was really strong and severed contact but then he pleaded and said he went home for the wrong reasons. he started visiting every weekend, i met hes son..hes mum and grandparents i really felt i was part of a family and things were taking off for us, then within 6 weeks hes wife told her son she had found a lump in her breast and thought she had cancer and was going to die!! hes son came to visit broke down and begged hes dad to come home…he left me and my 6 yr old son again…during the last 7 mths we have been in touch by email he claims he loves me but needs to be near hes son and the distance is a massive factor!! this week i travelled to hes home town booked myself into a hotel with a view to finding a property near him. we met and instantly all those feelings came back!!.one night he came to see me and spent 6 hours together no intimacy took place but we talked and talked and he wanted to stay..i felt empty when he went back home but also realised he had hes family waiting for him, the next night hes wife had a huge argument with him obviously not happy with him being late home, he rang upset..the morning i was due to go home he left earlier than usual so he could come and say goodbye, he told me to promise id stay in touch to which i agreed to..we kissed and he left, i went to my hotel room collected my belongings and left for the bus station, those 256 miles seemed thousands i cried every mile!!! i got home to my eldest daughter and broke down in a heap, that night i cried myself to sleep..he contacted me by facebook and i ignored it, the next morning he rang i to ignored it. now i need help im in a mess..please give me your views …thanks
hello ladies,
i’ve been with a married man 4 12 years now and coming to an end and i feel truly like s**t why! I was 27 years old he was 42. went to family reunions met his adult children and went on several vacations, but once the money stopped being available i was the bad guy. Truly truly in love with him but i must now start loving myself more and never ever let his happen again.
love to here from others.
Suparsta and Keisha,
Please dont waste your time any longer!!! My sister was with her MM for four years, and he promised and promised…but in the end he decided to stay with his “useless” wife. If they really loved you, they would find ways to be with you… Stay strong ladies!
I have been reading all the posts here and I am so glad I found this site. I could really use a few “friends” and some new perspective on my horrible, shameful situation.
I am married, 15 years, never had an affair, never went looking for it, love my husband and children. We have been friends with a couple that lives two doors down from us on our street for 6 years. The man left his wife unexpectedly and they separated for about a year (then he returned because of the kids). During that time, he approached me and said that he had cared about me for a long time. I laughed it off. But he was bold and “wanted” me and tried to see me, call me, etc for 2 years. I avoided him for 2 years. He even tried to come over during the day (I work at home) on his lunch and I would stay in with the lights off to avoid him. I was attracted to him and did not want to betray my husband. Well our famlies had a falling out related to our kids and didn’t speak for two years. Well last July, he walked down to my house and apologized over and over (the incident was their fault) and said he missed me and has loved me for 4 years!!! Well this is complicated, but during the 2 years that we didn’t speak, I fervently prayed to God that he would apologize for the incident, as I was so hurt and it affected the friendship between our kids. So when he apologized, I thought that God had answered my prayer and when he started laying on his love for me, in my mind, I thought that maybe it was a sign that since that has been going on so long, it was worth exploring. Confusing I know. So, we began a relationship. It lasted 7 months. He was great at first, very attentive, etc. Then after the first couple months, the real “him” started coming out. 95 % of our relationship was a texting relationship. He always had excuses why he couldn’t see me. He didn’t treat me well at all, he was mentally abusive and sometimes verbally abusive. We only had sex 3 times. He is 16 years older than me and I worried that he needed validation from a younger woman because of his age. I told him at the beginning I wasn’t interested in a fling. He told me that he only moved back in with his wife because of the kids. He told me that he didn’t love her or want her and didn’t sleep with her or have sex with her. He said he wanted a future with me. Things went down hill from there. He never left her. He was the type of guy that “cut me off” when he felt like it for days at a time. He didn’t want to discuss his private affairs with me, and didn’t want me to voice my opinion, didn’t value me or my feelings or opinions. Well the last fight we had, he said he had some decisions to make and wouldn’t tell me anything about them, he told me “you have no say so be mad if you want”. That was it for me. I got pretty mad at him and told him that he obviously doesn’t want a future with me if he says I have no say in his life. I said why did you pursue me for so long if now I have no say?? Well he cut me off again and wouldn’t return my texts. So I wrote him a letter and handed it to him, said nothing, and walked away. He read it after I left, no response. So I walked down to his house and asked him why he was ignoring me. He said he had “too much shit going on to deal with me”. I asked him if we could talk about it, he said “no”. I walked away. Later that day he sent me a text saying it is him and not me, that I looked good, he just can’t talk to anyone. Well funny thing is that within the week, another woman across the street was hanging out talking to him. She is married to. We haven’t talked since. That was in January, it has been 4 months. The day before he stopped talking to me, I thought we were fine, he said he loved me and was looking into an apartment because he wanted to leave his wife. He never did. The next day, I guess he woke up and decided he just didn’t love me anymore. He has been seeing the O.W. across the street right in front of me. He has no remorse or care for my feelings. I have to see him every day and endure watching them cavort with each other. My soul was devastated. I was so miseld and deceived. He completely ruined me. I feel so used. I thought if he loved me for so long, it was a sign. He asked me to borrow money too, I lent him $650, I gave him three chances to pay it back, and he hasn’t. I know I will never see the money. He stares at me all the time when I am out. I love him more than the air I breath and he just stopped our relationship cold turkey, no explanation, no remorse. I am left feeling the same way about him. I am trying to repair my part of the marriage that I ashamedly betrayed. We still have to live two houses down. My husband knows nothing. I am ashamed for my actions. I am not a cheater. That is not ME. MM assured and promised me things and what he wanted and apparently he lied to me and decided he was “done”. I have no closure.
I am just trying to break myself from looking down at his house right now. He stares at me sometimes, sometimes he ignores me, I have to watch the OW walk down to his house and him hers. It breaks my heart every day.
How can someone be so cruel and callous? Does he really not care about me at all? Was our whole relationship a lie? Does he not miss me at all when he sees me? I am having a terrible time. Any feedback would be appreciated and I would be glad to offer more info to clear up any questions. I told him I would love him until I take my last breath and I will. I was genuine, truthful, kind, supportive, and patient of him. He never asked me to leave my husband. When we were together it was like it was natural, meant to be, like we were soul mates of some sort. He was the air that I breathed. Now I am a wreck, feelng used, gave him money I can’t pursue because my husband does not know, betrayed my husband because assclown “loved me”. I don’t even know how to act. I know I need to avoid looking at him even though I make sure he can’t see me doing it, but should I avoid letting him see me if at all possible because he doesn’t deserve to have me as eye candy? Or do I go out in my yard and try to go on with my life and not worry about him seeling me in hopes that he will miss what he let go? What killed my self-esteem is that he didn’t even FIGHT for me. He just cut me off. I don’t know what he is feeling, thinking, etc. I have tried for the last few months to make sure he could see me outside in hopes that he would contact me and at least offer me an apology or an “I still care about you,” but I have gotten NOTHING. (And this is just a summary, short version of the whole story, so much more to say)
If anyone has been in a relationship like this, please help me understand. Thanks.
Dear Miserable love…my heart goes out to you it must be dreadful for you seeing him all the time? i really believe we are creatures of habit and the reason we crave them is because we are rejected and us as people can cope with the pride issues surrounding that! ive lived my life dating men and each and everyone i have dumped and id have to be honest and say not at anytime did i consider what they went through, i didnt want them so just callously said goodbye!! never made contact again just cut them out..now im on the receiving end and cant understand how this guy can just pick me up and put me down whenever he wants!! its the hardest thing ive ever experienced. but its because our prides are hurt, my MM contacts and wants me more when i dont want him.( funny eh) and most relationships are like that, i truly sympathise with you but also believe you have had a lucky escape, ive decided to sever all contact and move on with my life..ive spent nearly 2 years in limbo and id have to say most of it being unhappy, you are a superfox and deserve so much more than he could ever offer you..and when he comes back as they always do remember this..would you keep a television in your home that was broken? no you would take it to the dump!! the same applies to relationships on life support..he doesnt deserve your time your worth more and obviously have more courage than this guy could ever possess..busy your time with your beautiful family and just see the episode as a lil glitch..we all make mistakes because we are human…im here for you xxxx
Miserable love:
I have a question for you. What is your goal for coming to this site and what do you plan on doing with the information that you are getting? From your post above, you say: I could really use a few “friends†and some new perspective on my horrible, shameful situation.” And also: “Any feedback would be appreciated and I would be glad to offer more info to clear up any questions.” and also: “If anyone has been in a relationship like this, please help me understand. Thanks.”
Hon, what “other perspectives” are you looking for? What other feedback? And what do you want to understand? Make a list and number the questions that you want answered because I think you have been provided with a wealth of information and feedback and new perspectives and to be honest, we will never truly “understand” these men…..only “understand” what it is about us that attracted us to these men and what it is about “us” that put us in these situations to begin with. So while I realize that you are hurting and that that is the “stage” where you are at, I truly feel that the only way out of the pain is to try to stop yourself from asking the “WHY’s” and asking for new perspectives because this only helps to keep you “stuck”. Hon, whether you realize it or not, you are “obsessing” over him and like i mentioned before…. you have to treat this like an addiction and the first step in your situation is to STOP asking about “HIM”, stop seeking new “perspectives” new “friends” new ways of “understanding” why this poor excuse of a man did what he did and STOP thinking about him altogether!!! I know you may “think” that understanding him more is going to help but these questions ARE NOT helping you!! I think the real question yo