When an ex who didn’t treat us with love, care, trust and respect starts saying ‘all the right things’, it’s all-too-easy to be nostalgic. Next thing, we’re plotting our fairy-tale ending and possibly sacking off new relationships, opportunities or the personal growth we’ve experienced since the end of the relationship. We have a Better-The-Devil-You-Know attitude, and in this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I delve into why this mentality sells us short and sets us up for another go-round on the disappointment cycle.
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Nuggets From The Episode
- An ex can use ‘history’, so how long we’ve known them, shared experiences, etc., as shorthand for “I know you. We treat it as a shortcut for “Ooh, I don’t have to do what I’d have to do with someone I don’t know well enough yet. We can skip the getting-to-know.” We think they know us so well.
- “You’ve always been there for me no matter what.”; “I know that you’ve always kept the door open for me.”; You’ve been so loving and kind no matter what I did to you.” We often bask in the glow of these sentiments, but they’re not compliments! When they flick through their Mental Rolodex in search of the person who will let them wheedle their way back in, that’s us.
- If what we’re doing to love someone means that we can’t love ourselves at the same time, this isn’t love. It’s pain and suffering.
Once they have confirmation that the door is still open, they feel free to go because the door is still open.
- The Better-The-Devil-You-Know mentality says Isn’t it better to take a chance with the person I know even if they’re not that great rather than taking a chance on the future I don’t know?
- Is it possible for us to experience the nostalgia and also be where we are at the same time? Can we be nostalgic without deluding us in the process?
- Are we breaking any commitments to us? Had we resolved to be done with our ex, and how and why are we backtracking? If we do proceed, can we handle the emotional consequences if this turns out to be what we deep down already suspect (another go-round on the disappointment cycle)?
- Why me, and why now? What is it that this person is used to me being?
- Some crumbs isn’t better than no crumbs. No crumbs means you’re open to something much better whereas some crumbs means you’re open to, well, more crumbs.
- We settle for crumbs because of the mentality of “Something is better than nothing”. But what is the “something”? And actually, what is the “nothing”?
Links mentioned
- Professor Life
- The Returning Childhood ‘Sweetheart’
- Ten Things You Can Learn About Cheating From The Tiger Woods Saga
- Are you too eager for the fairy tale?
- The Disappointment Cycle
- No One Wants To Go No Contact
- Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl
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Thank you Nat this really helped me and made me look at what I have been doing for so so long time
You’re so very welcome, Josie. xx
I used to always welcome people back and get burned again and again. I’ve learned to walk away and stay away but I still struggle with guilt. I guess I feel like the bad person.
At the start of the quarantine I got a message from a person from my past. I immediately knew better than to get sucked back in so I ignored it. They haven’t changed and I could tell by the recycling of messages that used to suck me back in in the past.
It’s crazy how guilty I felt though. Anxiety and panic crept up. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Both afraid that I did the wrong thing and afraid that they would write me again.
I appreciate this episode. I feel better about the decision I made. Sometimes you can’t give people 1001 chances. And hopefully if they are capable they’ll learn and be better for the next person.
The “you’ve always been there for me no matter what I’ve done for you bit” – an ex who treated me terribly said something similar once.
I instantly recognised it for what it was when he said he could “keep it real with me” – that he could openly treat me like crap.
He seemed to have friends who thought he was a good guy. I have the sense that he didn’t openly use them or treat them poorly as he did me….which obviously also meant that he could control his behaviour, but chose to treat me that way regardless.
But they are people who didn’t know him well, Elodie. It’s very rare that you read a news story about someone who was abusive towards their partner/children or who was defrauding, for example, their place of work, and everyone knew about it. Everyone who does this stuff wears a mask. If someone was moving through the world treating everyone like crap, they couldn’t meet even the most basic of needs. He needed the facade that he maintained with others to convince himself that he wasn’t what he was. But of course, they 1) weren’t you and 2) didn’t know him because 3) if they did know him, they wouldn’t have anything to do with him. That, or they’re similar people to him.
I received this email from you and the very next day my ex called me at 3:30 am. We have been broken up since 2014 after being together for 10 years. He moved on very quickly and was married the following year. I took my time being alone, dated some and just married the most wonderful man last year. The minute, and I mean minute, I moved on in 2016 I heard from him for the first time. He has since texted me or called once or twice a year since then (yes even while he’s been married). I have never answered the phone or replied back. Your website and book “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl” helped me realize that I deserve so much better! I know he’s only calling me because he’s miserable or his wife doesn’t want anything to do with him etc. Thank you for giving me the confidence and power to avoid this toxic person and move on to a much better life!!