I’ve had a lot of emails asking me what I think of the whole Tiger Woods infidelity saga where, aside from the drama of that midnight dash in the car, there’s been a bevvy of women creeping out of the money-lined woodwork.
Now, before I give you my broad thoughts on some lessons you can learn from this, I will start by saying that the aim of this post is not for me to speculate on the ins and outs of what has happened but to use the situation (much like when I wrote about Mr Unavailable aka John Mayer) to show you all the madness of being involved with someone who is gonna do what they’re gonna do anyway.
1. Cheaters are image obsessed
A lot of people who cheat, you would never have guessed at their capacity for duplicity and often, it’s not because you’ve been making a lot of assumptions but they have carefully cultivated an image with those around them. The key to the ‘success’ of the cheater is to not be found out by those around them and have their ‘reputation’ damaged. In fact, they can often cope with being caught as long as no one else finds out, often believing they can talk their way out of the situation and even attempting to silence those around them so they can keep up the facade.
Many wonder why someone gets married if they’re not the committing kind? Because it suits them to cheat but having the appearance of stability relieves some pressure. They may have a huge capacity for deceit but they’re also human and maybe they need a spouse/partner to help their career prospects, maybe their parents are at them to settle down, or maybe their publicist says that, for example, a wife helps the good boy family image. Whatever it is, appearing stable and ‘normal’ is important to their image.
2. Never assume that the woman who ‘gets’ the cheater has won
So many readers wonder, ‘Why her, and not me?’, and if you’ve ever lamented why your ex left you to go back to his wife/girlfriend or why he left to go back to the woman he cheated on you with, ask yourself if anyone else really wins with a cheat that hasn’t changed? Where is the comfort in knowing you ‘won’ albeit he’s still shagging around? The only person who’s in a win:win is the cheat. To every woman who has ‘lost’ her Mr Unavailable or assclown to someone else, one day you’ll realise you made a lucky escape.
3. Power can be a dangerous thing for a cheater as they can become narcissistic and assume they’re invincible
I haven’t the remotest interest in golf but I know enough to respect Tiger’s sporting achievements, although that’s as far as it goes. But he, like a lot of men who find themselves with a lot of power, doesn’t know where to draw the line and thinks he’s ‘getting away with it’. Powerful people who have gotten carried away by believing the magnitude of their power and money makes them invincible and who then find themselves being a cheat taking more risks, will actually enjoy the thrill and the knowledge that they appear to be outwitting everyone around them.
They’re playing truant on the persona that everyone else knows and of course, playing hooky on the relationship.
Cheaters are passive aggressive – they let you think that they’re in a relationship with you, nodding their head, agreeing, and making the right noises, and then they sneakily go ahead and do exactly what they want to do.
4. Those who doth protest too much have more steps to fall down the ladder of pride
Who knows in Tiger’s case who’s responsible for cultivating his lily white image because there are many PR wheels turning around him plus the press project things, however, much like those who doth protest too much about how nice they are, or what a family person, good, generous, whatever they are, when you keep saying it or feel the need to keep putting it out there, when you take a fall of disgrace, you take a big one. With the guy that’s an out and proud assclown, even though he’s undoubtedly wrong, it’s not really that surprising when he cheats, but the ‘good ones’ are a mega surprise and will invite even more speculation and outrage.
5. A guy that wants to cheat will cheat
You can put all the sex on a plate that you want, cater to his every need, and attempt to never put a foot wrong but a guy that gets his thrills from being on the down low shagging around will soon get bored, even with the woman he believed was perfect for him and might even change his ways. Just ask Halle Berry…
They don’t need a reason to cheat– they just do it because they can and they believe they are bigger and cleverer than those around them.
They’re reactive and just like when I talk about how Mr Unavailables are reactive and might like strawberry ice cream at 12pm, hate it at 3pm, and then say it’s the most amazing thing at 6pm, the cheat is just riding with the feeling, living in the moment, and very out of sight, out of mind, lacking in empathy for the people they have the capacity to hurt the most.
6. The habitual cheater will actually keep doing it for as long as they can get away with it
Let me be real – if he hadn’t got caught, I doubt he would’ve turned up cap in hand making a confession. While some get sloppy in the hope of getting caught so that they can end their main relationship and be ‘set free’, someone who’s cheating with a number of people is doing it for kicks. Should they be caught, the main relationship will temporarily seem attractive because with it being in danger of being lost, the fear of being out of control gets mistaken for the desire they experience with the chase. With the habitual cheaters, when they say they’re sorry, what they really mean is that they’re sorry they got found out.
7. Where there is one woman ready to be a booty call mistress, there are often others
Or at least women claiming to be the ‘others’…
If they can cheat, they can cheat on you. Never assume that you’re the only person he’s cheating with and that he’s just dishonest with his wife/girlfriend. To cheat, they have to lie to everyone around them. If you’ve ever thought that being one of several women is attractive just look at the prideless mess that is the women flocking around professing to be Tiger’s mistresses. I would be embarrassed to admit that I was one in a long line!
As an aside, have you noticed that these mistresses all look like variations of each other?!
8. When the cheat gets caught, the illusions built up around them come down like a house of cards
The duplicity involved in being a cheat means that when they are caught, everything built around them comes crashing down, removing the very foundations you believed your relationship to be built upon. Everything gets called into question and this is what makes their behaviour so devastating because you’ve both been operating under different sets of circumstances – you think you’re together but they’ve been flying solo.
9. To be a cheat, you need to be a good liar and deceitful
No matter what story gets spun to you about why they’re cheating, don’t be fooled and trick yourself into believing that you’re involved with an honest cheat – there’s no such thing! They don’t just lie to you, they lie to themselves! Some people cheat and quickly realise that they’re not cut out for the stress of leading double lives. They’re still in the wrong, but they get out and attempt to sort out their trouble. Others realise that they have a great capacity for having their cake and eating it too, and come up with more and more ways to have cake. They don’t feel guilty – they do what works for them, saying and doing what they need, to get what they want. They let you think that there are possibilities where there no possibilities. Often they believe their little fantasies but in reality, they often know that unless something catastrophic happens, they’re not leaving their main relationship. With the guy who has mistresses dotted all over the place, that’s just someone getting their rocks off with cheap thrills.
10. Often the clue to our relationship behaviour lies in our past
There has been some talk of Tiger’s own late father cheating on his mother, something he seemingly deplored and yet clearly he hasn’t dealt with his issues or learned from these experiences as he’s ended up doing the very thing he’s supposed to hate. Interestingly he’s said that his mum was the boss of the household which certainly feeds into the idea of playing hooky and passive aggressively showing who’s really in charge, which is exactly what Tiger (and anyone else who cheats) has been doing to his wife. Many of us learn our relationship beliefs from our parents and obviously if they are negative, they can leave us with a nasty hangover that feeds into an ongoing pattern. Maybe he’s afraid of permanency? Maybe he’s afraid of being bored? Maybe he’s afraid of feeling owned, tied down, whatever. The cheater can really only address their behaviour and beliefs that feed into this deceptive relationship behaviour. Until then, they’re fooling everyone, including themselves. Often it takes major consequences to bring about change – maybe the recent embarrassment will be enough.
I’m sure a lot of you are wondering if Elin will stay or go. We have to remind ourselves that the relationships of famous people are different to ours with many factors and people and companies to take into account… I’m pretty sure that it’s quite difficult to stay with someone after being so deeply embarrassed by the publicity surrounding your husband’s transgressions and a non-stop parade of revelations, but in my line of work, I’ve come across women taking men back after doing some pretty horrendous things so I guess she’ll have to weigh up this situation and see if this suits her…or any illusions she may be under…
Your thoughts?
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A number of things you said in this post finally hit home to me. I’ve been killing myself over why I was cheated on and then why a cheat went back to his wife and I realise that aside from me making these poor choices, both of these guys had cheating habits anyway. It hasn’t changed now that they are with someone else but I forgot this and instead have focused on why they aren’t with me. One of them was the powerful type – he thought he was bigger and badder than everyone and that he could tell lies, often outrageous ones and get away with it. Often he did because people were afraid to challenge him. That doesn’t change the fact that he’s bad thing for me. I realise I don’t care about them and that I shouldn’t want these men to care for me. Thank you.
I have a lot of thoughts on this , and a few ‘shout outs’.
Firstly, I was married for 25 years to the ‘Tiger Woods of low income earners’ I was his second wife, and he had multiple affairs throughout our marriage. He was good at it, because I never caught him, until the end when he became careless, and our teenaged children became suspicious. He is currently into his third marriage,( likely to one of his mistresses,) and is listed as single on many dating sites. I know that he is still cheating with at least three other women, and he is now in his 60’s.
The first shout out is to all those advice columnists who council those who ask, to never tell the wife about his affair. That she probably already knows, and is staying with him for her own reasons. HELL NO ! I am so angry at friends and relatives who helped him keep his secret. I could have been out of that marriage years ago, if someone just had the guts to tell me the truth. It would have saved our two daughters a lifetime of issues that they are now in therapy for.
Second shout out is to all those folks who roll out that tired old line..”if she had just taken care of him at home” . Nonsense , sex has nothing to do with it in many cases. He could be getting everything he wants at home, and made to feel like king of the world, and still needs something outside of the marriage.
The above article is SO right. Many men learn their life skills and coping strategies as children. If their dad cheats, well , the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Lastly, to all those who say ‘poor Tiger” let’s just leave him alone to deal with this in private.
Well, I say this is a HUGE opportunity. Smoking cigarettes everywhere once was acceptable. So was drinking and driving. Now both things are considered completely irresponsible and unacceptable . With adultery reaching epidemic proportions in our society, it think that we should use this as the impetus to change people’s thinking .If we can shame people into not smoking, why can’t we change how we view cheaters? Getting drunk and driving a car used to be something everyone joked about, even though we knew it was bad, why can’t we use this as a starting point to change how everyone feels about cheating? That old saw about ‘men have to cheat’ , or that,’ it’s always happened and always will’ is SO outdated. There is no reason people have to be cheaters, other than the fact that they can get away with it, and people just snicker about it. There’s a lot to be said for shaming people.
Lastly, i think that we, as women , have to be more sensitive to the hurt that we inflict on other women, when we cheat with their husbands. No cheater is going to tell you that his marriage is great, and that he still sleeps with his wife, and loves his family. Otherwise you wouldn’t sleep with him ! So , he lies ! Ladies, let’s be supportive of eachother instead of insinuating ourselves into others marriages.
Thanks for reading all of this !
Hear Ye! hear Ye! I like the part where you say that no cheater will ever tell you that they still sleep with his wife. I was involved with someone who was also involved with someone. I was staying with the man,and the OW knew that she is the one. My ex used to tell her that I was there for convenience; and that there was nothing between us. Then the OW learns that I am expecting a baby and she went ballistic crying fowl. She told someone that the man told her that there is nothing between me and him yet I am now expecting a baby. Long story short – I finally moved out and the man did not go running to her. She complained to someone (who later told me) that she heard that I left, but she doesn’t see the man anymore. I asked my informer: “What was she expecting?”
I read somewhere that relationships with married/attached men rarely have the “Camilla Parker ending” so one goes into them at their own risk. Having been there and done that, I usually tell women who, in their exuberance of youth, think that they can out do the main woman, that men will weave all sorts of stories to the OW to keep her invested yet they don’t have the slightest intention of coming to you. I asked one that : if the man told you the truth, ie that I am just looking for a booty call, would you accept him? He has to lie to you, and take an attached man on under advisement.
AMEN NML!!! Great post, cause the whole Tiger Woods story somehow helped me to move on. My assclown is a passionate golfer and was obsessed about Tiger, and I saw he googled his wife for nude pics. This never went out of my mind, I always thought, if I would be a model with big boops, he would probrably marry me and love me like Tiger loves his wife. Hahaha. Now this whole story showed me, that this has nothing to do, if you’re beautiful, sexy or if you’re not. My assclown, who went back to his ex, that he was so bored with sex, that he had to cheat on her with me (and some others for sure), is now trying to be decent and didn’t chase me any more, though he wrote once, that I shouldn’t think, he is not thinking of it all, whatever “it” means. I just was so unhappy, that he chosed her and not me, but I know, he is going to cheat on her again, as soon he gets bored again. A highly unconcious human, that is not refelcting its action, and that is polluted by power and being famous, can’t ever change as long everythings working for them. And for famous rich people it somehow always work out. To get out of the comfort zone is painfull, how I had to realize last year, and for most people there first has to be a very painfull experience followed by a huge crisis, till they say, I can’t move on like this, I can’t live like this any more.
I agree with you that we can’t “know” the life of a celebrity relationship. It is much different than our lives and our relationships. That said, I’m sure that sure that the pain and humiliation that Elin might be going through is similar to what we go through when we are on the receiving end of AC behavior.
But, regardless of celebrity or not, I do not think that any of us can say what we would or wouldn’t do, in this situation, until it happens to us.
You are correct; there is no win when you end up with the one who cheated on you. There may be a “win” if he truly changes, etc., but that is a very rare occurance.
With regard to the relationship between what Tiger did and what Natalie writes about is a blessing in disguise or in this case, a sheep in Tiger’s clothing. Girls, Tiger is the epitamy of what a Mr. Unavailable looks like, only to the enth degree.
So many times I’ve been on here reading one story after another about the cheating boyfriend, I have girlfriends that have cheating boyfriends and yet the insecurity of being alone or whatever other insecurity motivates them to turn their head, forgive and stay, only to continue the same roller-coaster ride year in and year out and not understand why they put their hand in the fire and keep getting the same result. We hear the sme, but…but…but…! What about the other woman, or in this case, the multitude of women. All of these women were made to feel special, some even admitting that they knew something else was going on, heck, one admitted that he was in bed with her, texting someone else at the same time he was laying with her, yet they remain in a go-nowhere relationship. They all knew what they were getting. Do you really think these women were so ignorant to believe that this guy is Mr. It? Fame has the power to draw whatever it cares to draw and if not one of these women took him back, there would be 100’s of others waiting outside the door, if there are women attracted to felons in prison, there are dozens more attracted to being treated poorly by Tiger. Surprisingly, Rachel says she is receiving text’s still, (NML discuses over and over again about the text message guy). If he wants privacy why continue a relationship with a woman that is spouting out about the relationship all over the media? What I find more disgusting in all this is the fact he reportedly had unprotected sex with all of these women, endangering himself, his wife and children, death wish? 14 times ? women equals hundreds of other men Elin potentially was exposed to.
Quite frankly, kudos to Tiger for showing us a real life Mr. Unavailable (women if you don’t get it, maybe you will now), kudos to Rachael for showing us a woman that will take a crumb and major kudos and props to Elin for showing us a woman that will walk away, unlike other women that insist on standing by her man. Elin understands, as has been reportedly said, he’s not going to change!
Hi everyone, I usually read but don’t comment but this time I thought I would as I feel quite strongly against the celebrity obsession in the UK.
I know that Natalie uses Tiger Woods as an example for very useful insight and advice so I won’t go there and I certainly agree with everything she says about cheaters (how could I not). However I disagree with the last point that Misechal makes. I personally don’t think that anyone’s personal life should be used as an opportunity to name and shame. What happened was disgraceful for more reasons than one but no matter how horrible he is, an assclown, a cheater, a liar, an ass**, there’s a boundary that should not be crossed. He’s not a object and although he behaved horribly he (and even more his wife) still deserves his privacy. There are other people involved who do not deserve to have their lives splashed throughout the newspapers for the morbid entertainment of the masses or to be made an example of.
If we forsake ourselves, our selfesteem, our dignity, our pride, our integrity by begging men, sleeping with married men, chasing men do we really think that we are in a position to judge the behaviour and personal lives of people we don’t know. Let’s focus on ourselves, shall we?
This has to be the most insightful essay I have every read on cheating! Its great. I just want to add – image obsessed is different for many people… but you are with on as far as those image obsessed will often cheat just because they can… I had a n ex husband who was Mr. Status – had the perfect, well-paying exec job and the BMW – the rolex watch – the neatly pressed clothes and he would honestly either ignore me or argue with me constantly… he hated himself but wow that changed when people were around… his image as family guy, responsible. etc he was like a Tiger woods type… then after I divorced, I met his what I thought was polar opposite.. a perpetual student (albeit 45 years old) who had the ‘image’ of being fun, romantic, loving, blah blah blah… his image was different – but he was still obsessed with keeping appearances as the devoted, romeo to me – he even won over my parents! — behind closed doors turns out he was a lying, alcoholic, who would chase girls half his age the second my back was turned…
So glad to be out of those relationships… but its very hard to trust anyone now – and my current (so far stable) bf is really the one having to deal with the aftermath of two men screwing with my head. I literally sneak around and snoop when he is not looking — I just never ever want to be blindsided again!
Hi,
I spent ten months in what i thought was a relationship with a man who i thought was “mr unavailable” that is to say he was reluctant to let me meeet his friends or family or take me to where he said he lived (with his bro some 30 miles from me) at first i thought i was giving him the benfit of the doubt as he had told me he hadn’t had a relationship since his divorce some years ago and wasn’t “into” relationships, after i started asking questions and showing i was not satisfied with his list of excuses he dumped me….i had started to suspect there was another girfriend…..bizarrely thats when i turned to dtecetive and i was horrified at the enormity of the deceit i uncovered……he was still married had been for 14yrs and lived 50 miles in the opposite direction from where he’d told me i discovered he had profiles on sex contact sites and i found at least five other women whom he had met on more romantic type dating sites he’d fed us all the same lines. at times he was driving over 100 miles round trips to spend time with me and had done the same with another woman prior to me he had also sent her photos of his manhood a lot of the women were text/phone budddies there was even one in australia!!!
i confronted him in mid january about what i knew and he begged me not to tell his wife (he has two daughters of 12 and 9 which i knew about )told me he loved her and wanted to work on his marriage but wanted to remain friends with me!!! i agreed not to tell her mainly on my part because there were kids involved.
however two weeks later i discovered from one of the other women who thought he was a “friend” as she was in a new relationship, had told im of her newly single friend and he promptly sent photos (clean ones lol) of himself to see if the girl would be interested!! i couldn’ believe after him having such a close shave with me that he was ready to get back on the horse only days later i truly believe he meets the criteria of a sex addict i ve since ripped him a new one and have threatened to tell his wife although somehow i just can’t bring myself to do it guess i’m too scared of the hassle that may involve
strangely i feel better for having to have gotten to the bottom of things not knowing but suspecting was worse. this man knew i wouldn t have been interested if i had known he was involved.
NML Have you ever considered sending your book to an American publisher? I am sure your book would be on The New York Times best seller list. I really think you could change the world if your book got more exposure. There’s lists of publishers online that may publish similar works, you just mail in a manuscript, you deserve the greatest recognition for your amazing achievements.
Jody, thank you for your very kind and heartfelt comment. I am considering. Oddly it did the rounds just as the economy went to bust and publishers started getting skittish and tight. But I will most definitely put it out there and thank you for your support. Natalie x
Hi Natalie,
I work for a large, international/Canadian publisher. I don’t work in editorial but if you sent me your manuscript, I’d be pleased to present it to my colleagues. I’ve long-thought your book deserves to get to a wider audience.
Let me know if you are interested and I will pass along my work email to you (so you’ll know I’m legit).
Hi Lel. Just to let you know I sent you an email – it will be from natalie [at] baggagereclaim.co.uk. Many thanks!
8. When the cheat gets caught the illusions built up around them come down like a house of cards
The duplicity involved in being a cheat means that when they are caught, everything built around them comes crashing down, removing the very foundations you believed your relationship to be built upon. Everything gets called into question and this is what makes their behaviour so devastating because you’ve both been operating under different sets of circumstances – you think you’re together but they’ve been flying solo
This is sooooo exactly true. I am sitting and wallowing in utter DEVASTATION because he blew hot, hot hot for 9 months, chasing me, pursuing me, “loving” me, Jesus, the guy was so artful at deceict he would sometimes show up “just to hold me” to somehow try and prove to me (and perhaps himself) that he really loved/cared about me…it is so hard to watch this illusion of this connection that seemed so real, this intensity, this soul staring back at me….poof! ….disappear…THE MOMENT HE GOT CAUGHT. That “sweet, poor misunderstood guy” (now I’m facetious here)…acted like a cold, distant, punishing bastard (probably how he treated his wife when he was effing me) the two times that I STUPIDLY ALLOWED MYSELF TO SEE HIM after the covers had been pulled. My gut tells me he is now trying to “rewrite” the rules…whereas before he played the game of loving me, caring for me, being “all into me”…now the mofo is somehow under the impression he can just show up for a shag and a shoulder to lean on and not even bother playing the game!!!!! The nerve! I am so sad at the loss of what he did for me for those nine months (attention, adoration, affection) BUT at the same time, when I get totally honest w/myself, the other part of what I felt during that time was SECOND BEST (even tho I told myself I WAS GETTING THE BEST OF HIM, NOT HER); USED AND VERY CONFUSED. No matter how great he was to me for the stolen hours we shared several times a week, he was still always going back home to “her” . SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO FORGET OBSESSING ABOUT THE BETRAYAL, THE ANGER, THE HURT OF SEEING THIS MAN FOR WHAT HE TRULY IS: A LIAR, AND A USER. I DON’T EVEN WANT HIM…HE IS SOCIOECONOMICALLY BENEATH ME, HE’S NOT SOMEONE I’D FEEL PROUD TO HAVE ON MY ARM IN A WORK/FAMILY SETTING….SO PLEASE IN GOD’S NAME, HELP ME UNDERSTAND MY PATHOLOGICAL SEXUAL ATTRACTION TO THIS MAN. I WANT SO BADLY TO TELL HIM THAT I SEE HIM FOR THE PIG THAT HE IS, FOR THE USER HE IS, I LET HIM OFF SO EASY…BEING ALL SPIRITUAL AND PEACEFUL IN LETTING HIM GO AND I HATE THAT I GAVE HIM A PASS.
SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHY I CAN’T JUST EMAIL HIM AND TELL HIM EXACTLY WHAT I THINK OF HIM!!!! I HAVE SAT ON MY HANDS FOR WEEKS ON NOT DONE IT BUT IT IS EATING ME ALIVE!!!!!!
Mary Beth..
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I too have been made the Other Woman and it is not a nice feeling. You are so right – when they are found out, the cards topple, the illusion is shattered and you quickly become an uncomfortable reflection to them of their own lie. Their game is broken and very quickly it’s downhill from there. No more sweetness and hugs no more honey lipped lies, only the cold hard truth of “he doesn’t love me.” He knows it, you know it and for every player involved it is mighty uncomfortable in the cold light of day. I am in the same place you are and like you all I want to do is scratch his eyes out! (and hers!) But it will not change anything, it won’t make him see the error of his ways and it won’t take away the pain. The only outcome will surely be him viewing you as a nasty/psychotic person and running away from you faster!
Retain some dignity, sit on those hands a bit more and hopefully one day soon you will realise that you’ve moved on with your life. Know that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. I too have been decieved and feel like the last 6 years of my life were a lie however I know that me, you and others like us can go on to learn from our experiences and pursue healthier relationships in the future. And be HAPPY. As that’s one thing the cheating man will never provide us with. Good luck.
Thank you for your response Olivia. Part of me wants to hear, and the words just are not forthcoming from anyone with half a brain or concern for me, that he’s in love with me and just can’t leave for XXX reason…there were some legit ones but still, at the end of the day, if I was married and had gotten to the point where I could not be faithful any longer, I would do the right thing and end the marriage first. I really don’t think he loves her or anyone for that matter, he’s kind of a parasitic personality that looks for a woman to take care of him and his 12 year old baby personality and his wife is florence nightengale. And then, I’m the OW…OUCH OUCH OUCH….I don’t want either position with this man…I want to be OVER HIM. When he knew the marriage was getting compromised by our affair he hinted at us living together, having a life together (but never asked outright direct) but I always had the sense to let him know that would be too drastic for me in light of having just come out of a lengthy failed marriage. I think he, like me I might add, was always testing the waters to see how much I would/could do for him but never wanting the Full Monty.
It is most difficult to believe he didn’t love me, that he just used me. My ego is having a VERY HARD time w/that. Is it misguided to look at it from the perspective of” We were two people in extraordinary circumstances that found one another opportunistically and in our indulgence and self centeredness, wanted to experience the whole thing without judgement by others.
If I knew he was in half the amount of pain I’m in right now, I think I could have any easier time moving on…I know, that is so shallow and shabby but it’s true..
Mary Beth – it is an ego SHATTERER to accept that we may have never been loved and we’ve certainly been used. As women we a most of us brought up to believe we are little princesses and our Prince charming will come along. It can be a confusing time when we realise Prince Charming is just a frog. I know exactly how you feel believe me and perhaps there is a truth in that you are two oppertunistic people who enjoyed each others company. But you said it yourself, you would leave a marriage to pursue a new relationship. He obviously will not! So already the two of you are on very different moral ground! I think you are right in presuming that he doesn’t love her or love anyone as men who behave this way are self centered first and foremost. Their big love is themselves. However if he is refusing to leave her then there must be things he needs/likes about her. Try to view her as a person, say her name to yourself as this might help you come to terms with the reality of her. Don’t envy her as she is stuck with the man who is no good, not you. You may have got a lucky escape and when you meet a lovely guy you will know this to be fact. It is so hard right now. But go out, get excercise, socialise, go shopping, meditate, get your hair done! Anything to focus on you, make YOU feel good. Stop putting this man first as he is NOT putting you first. And I am certain you are gorgeous, charismatic and intelligent woman and deserve better. As we all do that have been made the OW! Who deserves to play second best in life? Nobody!
..Just an additional thought Mary Beth (I have found this has helped me)> Imagine you’re a cheating woman and your lover knows about your husband and pursues you even though you often willingly display contemptuous behaviour to him. What would you respect more, him continually pining after you or him growing some balls, telling you your behaviour is wrong and walking away? I think you know the answer! Men are the same, they think they want women falliing at their feet but like everybody, if you show self respect the other party will respect them more for it! Don’t wish he was in pain, he won’t be as he does not have the emotional capacity you do. Your deep emotions prove that you can deeply love and this means you will be happier in the long term! Without him in your life.