There are variations of this common question being asked around this site. The common scenarios are:
You’ve broken up with him and now he’s dating someone else and they look so happy together.
He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship and now he’s flaunting his latest.
He said he wasn’t going to choose you over his wife/girlfriend and now he’s got a replacement Other Woman.
He said he didn’t want to get married and now he’s engaged or married.
He said he wouldn’t leave his wife and now he has…for a different girl.
How come he’s so happy with her? It must be my fault the relationship didn’t work.
Why her and not me? Why, why, why, why, WHY?
The fact that you’re asking this says that you still want him even though he’s demonstrated that he doesn’t see the value in you or being with you, plus that you’re obsessing about him and the relationship, and that you don’t want to move on because often when we ask these questions, they are with regard to men who probably aren’t worthy of our time.
Now, I’m not going to say that it’s not a question that doesn’t run through many a person’s mind but when it becomes damn near an obsession and it prevents you from letting go and focusing on you, something is very wrong.
If you are obsessing about the relationship, him, the who, what, why’s and when’s, the shoulda, woulda, couldas, and the can’t, won’t, don’ts, you are either in standstill or regressing into the past because obsessing is about looking for reasons to blame yourself and trying to reason out things that there aren’t necessarily answers for.
And here is the kicker:
Him choosing to do something after the relationship with you has ended is not about you; it’s about him.
You are putting yourself at the centre of his decision to be with someone else or his actions after you. In reality, that’s giving yourself too much credit for impact, and him too much credit for actually having that much connection to his thoughts!
It’s not about you. It’s about him.
It’s not about her because you are two different people and the likelihood is that if he was effed up when you were with him and he’s taken up with someone else, he hasn’t changed which means that there is something about the relationship with her that let’s him believe that he can continue being himself.
You also need to remember that with men who habitually mess women around, they ALWAYS blow hot at first which means that when you are losing your mind obsessing over him, he’s going through the same hot phase that he treated YOU to at the beginning. But eventually, lukewarm or downright cold kicks in.
Again because it is about him, just like when we knee-jerk our way into dating and quickly start dating another guy or choose an opposite and end up with a ‘nice guy’ that we eventually admit bores us or we claim is ‘too nice’, men do exactly the same thing too because they have their own insecurities.
Especially when it comes to assclowns and habitually emotionally unavailable men, they need attention in the form of ego stroking, a convenient shag, and a smokescreen that let’s themselves believe that they are not the assclown that they actually are.
Some need to prove they’ve still got ‘it’, some are afraid to look in the mirror and see themselves for what they are, some are afraid of what it means to have another ‘failed’ relationship, and some just like having someone there.
A new woman that’s not wisened up to his him yet is fresh meat but eventually, when she expects too much or sees through him, he’ll be revealing his usual self.
What about men that leave you and meet someone else that they end up marrying/getting engaged to/ or essentially doing more than they did with you?
This is why I keep telling women to stop trying to raise men from the ground up and change them because the overwhelming likelihood is that it’s the NEXT woman that profits from your rennovation whilst you sit there in negative equity!
There is no ‘logic’ to why these men do what they do but one thing that is at the heart of it is that if you are a woman that accepts poor behaviour from a man because she thinks it shows how much she loves him and how willing she is to make the relationship work, you only get penalised for it because the types of men that behave in this manner and watch you accept it recognise that you can’t respect or love yourself enough if you put up with their behaviour. On some level they realise that if you want them, something can’t be right.
Often with the next woman, she won’t put up with the same crap so he tries much harder. That’s not to say that he won’t revert to himself at a different juncture but right now (and you know that most of these men don’t think too far ahead), she seems ‘different’.
It’s as simple as this. If you met an attached guy and stood by his side whilst he went home to his wife, he’d mark you down for it. If you met an attached guy who when he disclosed the fact that he was in a relationship, you told him to take a run and jump and kept telling him to go and to come back when he’s got his house in order, he’d actually have greater respect for you.
Not every woman puts up with poor behaviour from men. They recognise red flags, have clear boundaries and know when to opt out because they recognise that these men are no good. These are the ones that these foolish men will pursue and often lose their minds over. If you’re a Fallback Girl, they’ll slink back to you in between…
But ultimately, there is no absolute answer to the question of ‘Why her and not me?’ What I do know is that there is absolutely nothing to be gained by it and obsessing about it represents yet another avoidance tactic where instead of taking the focus off him and bringing it back to you, you instead look for reasons to stay emotionally invested in the situation even when he’s gone.
What is there to be gained by knowing why he’s with her? The fact that he’s moved on shows that YOU should move on pronto, not be putting your life on hold to obsess about him and the new relationship.
Even if you sat there and analysed every conversation, action, flick of the hair, and slip of the tongue over your entire relationship, it’s a waste of your time that will never give you all the answers.
You’re not seeing the wood for the trees. Instead of asking ‘Why her and not me?’, you should be asking ‘What is it about my relationship habits that had me in this relationship?’ or ‘Why am I pining for someone who doesn’t want, love, or respect me?’
Look at the bigger picture and see beyond him and the new relationship and focus on washing him out of your mind and life, and ensuring that you don’t fall into the same traps. He’s her problem now, NOT yours.
Your thoughts?
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My obsessing is bad because I’m obsessed with his past. I’m still with my EUM and am trying to break away and will work on that BUT, this is what I’m going through and have always gone through (the one before me). We met 3 months after they broke up. She was married when they met to a man in jail. He told me that she told him she had filed divorce papers then was going to file etc. etc. She never did and wound up going back to her hubby when he got out of jail. He has said to me, I’m amazed at what I thought I was in love with. His oldest daughter told me that she thought they would get married. And, here I sit…wondering what it was about her that made him so sure of how he felt about her when he tells me he loves me but is trying to figure it out. I have even started a conversation with him, but you knew you were in love with her and his response was this…at the time I thought I was but looking back I don’t really think so and I think it was more of the fact that I wasn’t getting my way (meaning her leaving the husband). That makes no sense to me. She has a myspace page and I go on almost every day and look at it. Its sick and makes me feel sick but I can’t stop. So, I’m the reverse…I obsess over the past. I’m even jealous! I feel crazy!
My mother often talks to me about being “comfortable” with the person you are with.
My EUM made up lies, not just about cheating or where he was he lied to me about his past and often times completely hid it indicating to me there was some embarrassment or insecurity.
Men do have insecurities NML is totally right. The new girl that my EUM is with he has described as young and unsuccessful. He often expressed resentment towards me for things I had, the friends I hung out with, my education, my job. They may be happy with these new women because often there is great relief that comes from getting away from people with standards. I think still in today’s society there is an expectation for men to be the breadwinners and they still want to be admired by their women.
So look at the women they are with, while you might not know them it’s quite possible they are more laid back, easy going, less attractive perhaps and that makes the EUM feel safe, adored, and like there is no pressure for them to be better either.
Their version of happy might not be ours… it goes back to that common ground post. In the end, these men are probably not going to be alone forever and we have to accept that. But just because they are not alone and they are happy does not mean it’s a happy that would suit our needs.
I think it’s because men, even assclowns, need to feel a sense of challenge and pursuit. Fallback Girls are too easy in too many ways(versus the woman in Noelle’s past who wouldn’t leave her husband).
Jenn, I have thought that to. And his saying “It was more that I just couldnt’ get my way”…was admitting it was the challenge more than just real feelings. Their relationship lasted 6 months and I’vebeen with him 17 months and I say to myself…DANG! I think about what he said and try to take comfort in that that but still have that same feeling “what was so great about her”…its because I’m insecure and have no self esteem!
My EUM is with the girl he cheated on me with (well, one of them) and I obsessed over her and him together for a long time – months. I love what Dazedandconfused said: So look at the women they are with, while you might not know them it’s quite possible they are more laid back, easy going, less attractive perhaps and that makes the EUM feel safe, adored, and like there is no pressure for them to be better either.” This totally describes her to a T. Even my therapist said he chooses to be with her because it’s easy and he doesn’t have to do any work or even try to be a good guy in any way (fyi: she knows all about me b/c I told her, and she went back to him anyway. She, on the other hand, was the last “Bad Thing” he did to me and I bailed, thank god).
I will also add, though, that the good old “No Contact” rule really, really does wonders for getting over worrying about the new girl. Eventually you really do just stop caring about him and what he’s doing in general. I’m about two and a half months out with absolutely no contact whatsoever – not even a sighting – and I can say that I honestly feel about 75% less interested in what’s going on, and that percentage is only getting bigger. In fact, I’m actually starting to feel embarrassed that I was ever involved with him in the first place. I’m getting my life back!
Please believe that sticking to no contact works. Think of it this way, if you start walking away from a place, and keep walking and walking and walking, eventually you will be so far away from the original spot that there will be no sense in turning around and looking back. You WILL feel better, I swear.
I agree with dazedandconfused, but also can relate to the obsessing that Noelle is going through.
The only thing here that lead me out of the obsessing was doing exactly what NML says to do. Start realizing why a person keeps attracting these type of people. It really isn’t about them it’s about us the ones who think we can love him right, steer him straight and let them control level of the relationship. The hardest part is and always will be never letting them back in. I fell into that trap of letting my EUM come back one too many times after I had told myself NO CONTACT. It drug me down to the point where I finally had to wake up and ask myself what had changed. Nothing with him had changed, it got worse, the dissapearing acts went for a longer time, he got meaner, he disrespected me even more than before, etc.
Be glad that your EUM has found someone else, as NML says he’s blowing steamy HOT at her and it will turn to warm, cool and then COLD just as you experienced. He has not changed, but YOU CAN!
You hold the key to your own well being, your own destiny, your own happiness, everything. When you focus on yourself you empower yourself. You’re lucky to have NML and this website and if you don’t have her book, download it TODAY. It’s one of the best things you can do for yourself, to empower yourself, to build a better life for yourself, and to allow yourself to experience happiness.
I found this statement from another blog, I hope it helps you as much as it helped me.
“How she wished she could stop obsessing about her former boyfriend… To this, her thoughtful friend replied, “See now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”
Believe in yourself, you deserve so much more and so much better and know that you aren’t alone. We’re all right here with you.
Dazedandconfused, you are absolutely right with what you said! My EUM is dating someone, me being the OW and I couldn’t believe she was preferred over me! Im much more successful/prettier/thinner than her, and I think that was the whole thing that made me obsess about things like how I couldn’t better myself anymore than I have, but I still wasn’t good enough! My ego took a good beating! But if I think about it, im more successful than him, so maybe it was the whole “breadwinner” thing. Well thinking about that makes me feel a little better anyway. Any more thoughts on this? I just have to say I love this site so much, I don’t know what I would have done without it when I was feeling at my lowest! Thankyou so much NML
Daisy the only other thing that I can add to this is that being the controlling, obsessive woman that I am (I say this with some humour) I am sure I drove him nuts BUT these are the same qualities that make me successful in life. I like to know what I am doing Friday on Tuesday, I plan ahead, organize my social life, etc. He likely would have called me at 745 on a Friday to hang out at 8. Does this make him a bad person? Not necessarily, but, and other people can beg to differ, but I find these guys are not often planners. They are fly by the seat of their pants adventurers. So in the same line of thinking, it’s possible that these guys are more comfortable with these other women. And it’s not to say that the new women are not also good, successful people but they may just be more suited to each other.
The other thing that struck me about Lori’s comment is that these men keep coming back and why? Let’s face it they were not happy either and they keep coming back. We take them out of weakness but why do you think they come back? I have a theory that they really have no idea what they are looking for either. My ex went from a long relationship, to me, to this new girl right away. Do you really think he has found the one within weeks of being with me? I think they look for cute and fun. Ok maybe she’s smart, or even has a good job… does not mean that they are suited to making a life work.
We are women looking for “something” and it’s why we often analyze these guys to death. I don’t think they are really thinking it through like we are. Few me do. So it’s easy just to find the next warm body when your list is “breathing, female.”
Long and the short of it before I sign off someone recently said to me “not everyone is going to like you in life.” Basically, while it sucks that we could not make it work with these men I find the reality is “if we were not happy why should they be?”. If we are going to find someone better for us so are they.
Sometimes people just aren’t meant to be… we aren’t going to “work” with everyone and that can be a good thing. You will never lose the love of your life… if you do that’s not what they were.
I have read somewhere: “The Abuser doesn’t change, it is the victim that changes.”
No contact is the ONLY way to remove yourself.
Dazed, they come back because they know they CAN come back.
Once they know the door is completely shut they will eventually stop.
If a man, that is not committed to me, calls me at 7:45 to get together at 8PM, means his plans fell through, I am plan B.
Dear Dazedandconfused: You’ve hit it on something interesting here. The point you made about them not knowing what they are looking for either. So now what’s the equation here, two people who are floundering, stumbling and searching for somebody without having any idea as to what they want, or what they’re doing. Logically speaking that doesn’t equate to successful now does it? So true about finding the next warm body when your criteria list is merely a “breathing female”.
Lesson to be learned by all of us I think is that we need to know what WE want in a relationship and from another person before we attempt to find someone to share our lives with. We need to work on ourselves so that we are looking for the right stuff. No more stumbling around and settling for less than we deserve.
This is kinda disgusting. For those of you who are following my story, I was looking forward to “no contact” in early Oct. No it has not happened yet. I am still in contact with him and working for him.
I beat myself up for not being able to pull away when he was putting me second to Valerie. Now he has left me for her, I still can’t pull away.
And he is being such a prince to her too. I get to watch this man be so wonderful and devoted and loving to someone else.. it torments me
Except sometimes when we are talking business he will suddenly mention all the sexual things he would do to me were i there..(.I never see him. I work online). It is pretty heavy flirting and it shows very little real loyalty towards Valerie. Not to say he is cheating or tries to cheat..he refuses to see me at all even for business. And he seems to feel guilty for the flirting and he tells me he should quit…but keeps doing it anyway.
And I am afraid he will end contact eventually out of guilt for flirting with me. He will feel I am the cause of his disloyality even though I do nothing to trigger the flirting.
Steve didn’t want to lose her so he commited to her. But he is not ready. He is still married and I work for him so I see how complicated and involved this divorce is. Instead of realizing she was dealing with someone not ready for a committment and looking elsewere..she pushed for a commitment and now they are living together.
Don’t know what the outcome of this is going to be. But I do know this now. I don’t want to be giving ultimatiums to my guy when I find him. I want him to be wanting to be committed and I want him to initate it! I want him to be the first to mention exclusitiveness and marriage! Let HIM push for commitment! If I have to give threats then maybe he isn’t ready to be committed.
This means if I see a guy is not into commitment and might be willing to cave in just because I want it…it is not good enough for me. I need someone who wants it like I do. So it means I need to walk away from a guy who just isnt ready or wanting commitment! Because I believe that if you have to give an ultimatium… you already lost.
In my case my xEum was playing both of us at the same time. He introduced her into our relationship after a year and a half together. She was an ex gf and she went after him with a vengence. It was too late when I started noticing the disappearing acts and the weird phone calls. The thing is, if I hadn’t broken up with him we would still be together. He wanted to play both of us and in the end I walked away.
So now he is with her. I have no idea how he treats her, I know that she is very clingy and needy. I always believed that women that acted that way were not attractive but apparently he likes the ego stroke. All I know is the whole thing makes me feel like crap.
I broke NC after two months very briefly but its back on again. I really know that he has moved on and I want to stop thinking about them. I joined a gym and I’m going to try and get in as many classes as I can and work on myself. I dropped out of the dating sites. I’m dating one guy and that’s it. Nothing earth shaking yet but I’m giving him a chance to see where it goes. I’m not comparing him to my xEUM like I had been doing. I’m trying to forget the assclown that broke my heart. In the end I don’t think he’s going to be any better to this woman then he was to me. We were together for two years, they’ve only been together a few months. He’s still blowing hot, I’m sure he’ll be lukewarm or even cold by next year.
Some days are still very difficult. Those are the days that I start obsessing. I know I shouldn’t but I do. I try to do it less and less. I hope I can exercise myself out of this depression because that’s what it is. I don’t care if the man is an assclown or not, when someone cheats on you and betrays you it hurts like hell, a lot, for a long time. You just have to go with the flow, do NC and try to get on with your life. But it doesnt’t happen over night.
I compare it to when I got my divorce, I thought that I would be a happier women and in many ways I was. But I traded one set of problems for another. I had less money, I had children to raise alone, I worked longer hours.and I was lonely. So even when we leave the assclowns and do NC, we don’t magically become whole women again in a blink of an eye. We stuggle, we cry, we obsess , we hurt. It’s human nature. Nobody likes rejection.
Do I wish things had turned out different? Yes. Do I think that since he cheated on me that eventually he will cheat on her. Yes. I don’t thing she’s anything different or special, just a new conquest, someone to adore him and please him. She’s in for a very bumpy ride. He is not going to magically change his behavior. He is what he is.
The good thing to come out of this is I’ve learned from this experience. I’ll never again wrap my life around a man. I want to love myself first and be able to give from a postion of strength not weakness. I hope I will find love again, that I will find a good man and be happy but I won’t compromise myself to get it. That will probably increase my chances of finding it.
I was thinking about a lot of this and myalmost lover your post mentioned something that was in line with my thinking… while the good thing about this website is that we can realize that these men are EUMs I also think it’s really important to focus on their other qualities. What I mean is… let’s say they become emotionally available would you actually want them?
Part of being so desperately alone is that we idealize these men and I am really trying to hard to think of my ex in a realistic light. It goes back to an early comment here too where someone mentioned having to figure out what we are looking for. Because we went in totally unsure of ourselves and unaware many of us just molded ourselves to these men and a lot of what we “liked” about them has just become what we think we want. Also, so much of our feelings towards them are attached to the feeling of a void being filled which can be very powerful and addictive.
While emotional unavailability is a major issue, I realized with my EUM for example that I am not so sure his communication had much to do with being emotionally unavailable but, rather, he just communicates poorly (or let’s say differently). I have good female friends who are terrible about calling, returning text messages I don’t care when they do it because I am not emotionally engaged with them as I am a romantic relationship. So maybe try not to spend time wondering if this man has “changed” because he appears to be caring for another person. Are there not things about him that were not great that had nothing to do with emotional unavailability… I find it hard to believe that we were all dating the perfect man but he just isn’t in touch with himself.
I have been making my list lately about what I want… loyalty, open, honest, communicative… and I realized that maybe my EUM didn’t do some of these things because he is EU BUT he was super private about his past, he likes to fly by the seat of his pants, he is compulsive and therefore likes to organize his time how he wants, he’s quite selfish, he’s not remotely close to his family… I do not think those things are going to change even if he does meet a woman who whips him in to shape and doesn’t accept his crap. He is not going to become a whole new man just as I am always going to be an A type personality who likes to talk things out and who plans my week out.
So I guess try and be realistic… while it’s important that we realize we let ourselves get treated poorly and therefore need to work on us, I feel like many of us, including myself, are fearful of letting go because we think “what if we are better could it work then?” and so we try and monitor if these guys have changed because then we delude ourselves into thinking it could work. I am sure emotional unavailability plays into their ways but I believe this is a deeper character issue too, it goes back to how we were all raised, our values about communication and problem solving with a partner etc. those are fundamental things in building a long term relationship with someone and are deeply rooted in these men.
Oh man… this post makes so much sense to me right now.. thanks…
i had a conversation with the eum on friday after going to the house where we used to live together (we are stuck in the lease till january and had to do something with the house while he was at work) and saw reminants of his new girlfriend at the house… the bed clearly now had 2 people sleeping there.. and her stuff was there.. her toothbrush on the sink….2 coffee cups… oh my god… my stomach lept into my throat… he he happier now with her? without me?? do they do what we used to do together? all these stupid questions have plagued me all weekend long…
what is wrong with me?? ugh.. I’m the one that left because I got nothing emotionally and gave him all of me and I was emotionally starving and I KNOW that…. Why can’t i just freaking move on? What the heck? I’m so dissapointed with myself…. Why does it sting SO hard when I am the one that left???? I feel like an idiot. My friend say that I should stop beating myself up and just accept that I feel sad.. but I keep pushing it away.. like I don’t FEEL this pain.. FEEL sad that it didn’t work out… I DO!! I’m SAD!!!! I really wanted this to work but I had to leave for my own emotional well being… I knew he wasn’t the type of person to make me feel loved like I made him feel.. i knew if I wanted that in my life I was going to have to leave despite me not really wanting to.. I knew that I couldn’t change him… that’s why I left…
so even though I KNOW that.. Why does it still hurt so? Ugh.. again.. dissapointed in myself. I know better. I know this has to do with my lack of self love.. I KNOW THAT! Then why can’t I just wise up and freaking get over it…
saddest thing is.. I have someone in my life now that is ABLE to give me that emotional “full meal”… instead of crumbs.. and I quote NMLs book “Mr Emotional and the Fallback girl” …” If you’re used to receiving crumbs, and somebody is offering you a full meal at the table of love, dessert and all, it can be pretty scary for the unititiated..”
yea… to say the least.
Help? I have been reluctant to reach out for help.. just help to help others.. but I don’t know what to do here.. I know this has to do with me.. and yet I still feel like I can’t let go!!
So yea.. this post makes sense.
Keri, how many days into NC are you? There is a certain period of time where you just give yourself permission to freak out. You are detoxing from a drug, and you just have to live through the withdrawal phase
But why did you have to go back to the house? I bet you were snooping, you went so that you could find something hurtful and set back your recovery time. And you found it. Next time, if you “need” anything from the house, get a friend to take care of it, and make them promise not to tell you anything about what they saw of his post-you life.
Welcome to rehab, hope you can stay here with us! Take care of yourself, lots of hot baths and so forth.
Regina.. hard to do NC when you still have your stuff at the house.. I totally agree.. I should have brought a friend.. wasn’t snooping.. I STUPIDLY had been paying for 1/2 the cable and I decided..with the help of the “full meal” guy.. that that was enough of that.. so I HAD to go to the house to pick up the cable boxes to disconnect the service in my name.. So I HAD to go to the house.. I didnt’ want to… I know that in the past i’ve been there to partially snoop.. this time it wasn’t cause I was out to snoop.. ugh.. gross..
Lease is up in Feb 1st.. out by mid-january.. two more months then can OFFICIALLY start NC… this SUCKS!
this whole thing is my parents.. i didn’t receive love from them so it’s easy to lean toward someone who feels vaguely familiar.. someone else who gave me no emotional support.. I feel like the little girl being taken away to foster care.. NO!! don’t do it.!!! Don’t take me away!!! . even though I KNOW my environment wasn’t healthy for me…
pretty pathetic.. ugh.
Keri, how come you can’t get your stuff out now? Storage unit? And why doesn’t she take over your part of the rent, if she is living there. It’s bad enuff that you have to know that they are together at y’alls house, much less paying her rent!!!! Oh, I bet that is because YOU were the one with the credit and refs good enough to get the lease and it’s in your name and you don’t want a black mark on your rental history. A wild guess. You could insist tho, that if you don’t get to live at the house, neither can she. Or even him. Why does he get the house, and where are you living?
Regina.. Sorry.. this is a LONG STORY… Sorry I didn’t go into background..it’s a long and jerry springer like story… trust me.. I’m feeling better now..She’s not living there. she’s just staying overnite now.. And why should I pay for storage unit when I still have to pay rent.. can’t do it… i know it would be healthier..but I can’t afford it.
It’s a long story.. all i know is that this is almost over and then i can officially begin to heal.. starting with NC… just gotta hold on 2 more months…
myalmostlover – my guy was the same deal – – wanting us both, playing us off each other. She is clingier, not as pretty, not as smart, a housewife (married, with kids!) – generally not nearly as available or as cool as me. In fact she has very few friends that I know of because she is so annoying – his own best friends don’t even like her. But I’m sure she does everything for him, and no matter what crappy things he does to her, she keeps coming back for more. I wondered for a long time how I could have been cast off for her, and I hated her, but I realize that she really IS what he wants, and that is someone who has no spine and is more f*d up than the last girl. He doesn’t want to have to put in any work. And really, what he wanted was both of us. What a scumbag he is. With a few months of NC under my belt, his unchanging lameness is all the more obvious, and his choice to replace me is all the more tragic and unfortunate. I was angry about and at her for a long time, but now I just feel bad for her because she’s going to get it even worse in the long run.
I ran that why her not me over and over in my head and got so mad it scared me. I wanted tell everybody what ass and liar he was, but mostly I wanted to tell her and I got my chance too. She was so nice and I was so politely nasty and after it was all said and done, I felt no better. That is, until realized I couldn’t find one thing so great about this man that would make him a great husband to her 5 months after being such a jerk and dumping me. His first wife (one of the nicest people I have ever met.) divorced him for a reason. I realized he is her problem now and thanked God for that. Suddenly so much pain and anger was lifted. Good riddance.
I have been following this thread hoping to immunize myself against what is likely, considering that my EUM made me his Band-Aid girl before he was done divorcing his ex-wife. I know she was really upset to find out that he had taken up with me before they had finished up, and who could blame her. So I am reading y’all’s stories to steel myself up to what is a likely scenario – I finally get myself up and around to go out to see a favorite band on my own, and there he is with a new Band-Aid girl. I am trying to get myself to the point of thinking, “EUuuu, bleh,” and rolling my eyes, then turning back my attention to the music and forgetting all about it.
DazedAndConfused, I will remember your words: “You will never lose the love of your life… if you do that’s not what they were.”
You know, for the longest time, during most of the 14 months I had been with my Assclown, I feared that he might’ve been seeing other women. Even now when I am amidst my “Get Out Plan,” I wonder from time to time whether he’s gotten back with his ex, or if he’s got a new girlfriend or fresh new booty calls. I lived in constant fear. When he didn’t want to see me as much, when he wasn’t contacting me as much or as frequently, I’d think he must’ve found someone new. I was so fearful of losing him, and I felt like I was always on the verge.
Not only that, but because he constantly criticized me, told me I was not that great looking, told me I was not in good shape, and told me that I was bitchy and crazy (all of which are false accusations; he merely wanted me to feel bad about myself, and he had succeeded), I constantly felt inferior. I’d walk around the streets and just see and notice tons of women who were supposedly better than me, prettier, more stylish, better personality, better suited for him, and whom I’d imagine he’d like better than me and hence would want to make his girlfriend. He wasn’t with me in the streets, but his poison lingered in my brain *all the time*
Now, I honestly do not know whether he’s got a new woman in his life or not, but I know this: *I do not care* if he’s shacked up with his hot ex, the beautiful coworker, the sweet neighbor, or all of them at the same time. Heck, I don’t even care if he’s with 1 or 10 women right now, because right here typing, is one sexy and smart woman whom he will never have, because *I* made it that way. *I* am the one who is refusing and leaving him. The power resides *right here* within me. Assclowns like him no longer interest me in the least. Oh, he thought he was the God Almighty who gets to judge me and decide if I’m worth it to be with him? To decide my fate on when and where and how I’ll see him? I don’t think so. I am growing stronger, I have the power to decide, and I’ve decided I don’t want him. So good for him if he’s got someone else. I see him as the equivalent of a platonic friend. I don’t want him, so who cares who he’s with? That’s what I keep reminding myself each time I find myself starting to obsess about who he might be with or start comparing other women to me in terms of how they might be better than me.
Let’s say you stop obsessing over this man and move on, how does that stop you from finding men like him again? Because like you said, they all seem sweet to begin with, they all try hard for as long as it takes. Aren’t all men really like this but only behave better because the woman expects more? Are there really any men that WANT to do any work? I mean, if they can get away with less, won’t they all choose to do less? Will someone please answer me, because I thought I had a full life and respected myself before, but these men still seem to find me. And they seem so wonderful at first, but by the time I figure out what they really are, I’ve already wasted too much of my time!
No, the majority of men are not like this.
Perhaps, you’re not recognizing or are ignoring the red flags early on. Mine seemed wonderful in the beginning but there were a few subtle indicators that struck me as odd, I only wish i had followed through with my feelings instead of ignoring these red flags.
You have to change your expectations and what you are attracting. Recognition is the key.
Veronica-It’s all about them feeding off the negative beliefs you have about yourself. They mirror them, they are manipulators and throw out crumbs and when you nibble on those crumbs is how they know you’ve got you hooked.
Download NML’s book if you don’t have it already and it explains this much further in detail. It helps you figure our yourself what type of Fallback Girl you are and how to change.
If you do not change, these assclowns will find you no matter where you are. It’s who they are, it’s how the get their attention, it’s how they suck you in. Their insecurities mirror yours, and they know exactly what questions to ask, what things to say to get you reeled in. If you recall some of these assclowns you’ll start to see the pattern. The similarity between one to the next. You’ll remember something they did or said which made you go “hmmm” or gave you a feeling in your “gut” but you pushed the feeling aside because they were so charming and you thought to yourself…”Oh it’s nothing”.
Just do the work and you’ll see and reap the rewards of your labor. Happiness, is one of those great rewards. Good luck!
Help! I’ve just seen that my EUM is back on the dating site where I met him.I broke off all contact 3 weeks ago (well, with one backslide…sorry!) as he said he really cared about me and wanted to be close friends but didn’t want a relationship. I couldn’t live life like that, so I walked away and it was the most painful thing I’ve ever done.And I know I ought not to be sneaking around the dating site – where I’ve deleted my profile – but the temptation is too great. The stupid thing is, all I want is for him to come back, to turn round and say he’s made a terrible mistake, but of course he won’t. I feel awful that he didn’t want a relationship with me,and awful that he’ll end up treating another girl like he did me and his ex – and all his other exes from what my investigations tell me.
He’s a rotten person who’ll never be happy – so why do I feel like this?
Sorry, don’t really have any advice but it’s still early days Grace….give yourself some time to heal. You are out now, that’s the main thing.
Grace download the NML’s book and get to work on yourself. Once you do that you’ll see (in time of course) that this isn’t the guy for you and you DON’T want him back.
You’re in the early stages, it’s tough but stay No Contact, focus on yourself like reading NML’s book, call a friend, call family member but do not call him or respond to his emails, txt, whatever or the cycle will keep going.
Grace, can I ask how old this guy is? Also, did you meet him on one of the FREE dating sites?
Grace – we have all been in your shoes, which is why we’re all keeping up with this particular post. I agonized over this kind of behavior for a long time. ang27, Betterwithouthim and Astelle are right – – it’s really about letting yourself heal and really sticking to NC. Don’t check out the dating site for a certain period of time – start with a week, then keep adding another week. The less you know and the less you keep up with what he’s doing, the faster you will heal and be able to let go and move on.
Yes, BBP is correct. Stay away from the dating site you frequently see him on. If you are in the obsessing phase it will only feed that behavior. The obsessing will make you wonder, worry, analyze things over and over. Stay clear of that dating site-otherwise you will spend endless hours and energy obsessing about this guy when you could be spending all that time on yourself figuring what you need to do to move on.
The guy is 45 and I PAID to meet him!! He’s a serial commitment phobe (I am now friends with his ex, who told me he treated her in the same way), and I fell so hard for him. But I know he’s bad news, and I know I’m obsessing – as I always do – as I think there’ll be nobody else out there for me. But I went out tonight and had supper cooked for me by a platonic male friend,who I had a massive crush on earlier this year, and it was lovely. We can now be friends as he is now seeing a really wonderful girl, and I thought I’d found a good man myself. I was wrong, obviously, but it brought to light how you can only be friends with a man if the sexual attraction thing is over or out of the way. I fancied the UEM so much that friendship was just not viable, and when he said ‘Can’t we redefine the boundaries of our relationship?’, it was so insensitive. But hey…they all want it on their terms,don’t they?
Anyway ladies, thanks for the advice. I’ll try to leave the dating site alone. I told him not to contact me,and I’m sure he won’t. He didn’t want a relationship, so I gave him the perfect get-out clause, didn’t I?
Grace, you are friends with his ex – the dude from the dating site??
How did that happened??
Yes, he wanted this on his terms – friends – you can’t be friends with him, you shouldn’t be friends with him, he will turn you into a Fallback girl in a heart beat. He is 45, so let him be on that dating site and continue the BS he is pulling (or trying) with the women.
Good riddance! You know what he is and that is all that matters.
He mentioned she lived close to me and had a few problems. I said I’d meet her for a drink; he brought her and other mates to a gig we went to.I really liked her; I think we’re quite similar, and I think it’s quite interesting that he seems to go for women who are a bit needy (I admit it!) but witty and pretty, and both physically not unalike. I think maybe he wanted us to be friends so he ends up looking like the good guy, but I know that when he started seeing me, he was rubbing her nose in it a bit,which was very unfair. He also dumped another woman on the dating site for me, which was interesting. He did it on the phone, which he also did with the ex I am now friends with. At least I was the one who said to him that it couldn’t carry on, and the one who said I couldn’t be friends with him – he seems to want to be pals with his exes, which makes life easier for him, but more difficult for the women he dumps. He’s got this thing about ‘not hurting people’, which is just impossible, but is a very convenient excuse for bad behaviour.
Sorry, I’m ranting now!
Oh god – the thing about “not hurting people” is really about not wanting to look like a d-bag…when they are acting like one and not letting other people move on. This is a behavior that actually hurts you even more in the end and not him. He is avoiding the problems to avoid unaccountably and conflict, not to mention keeping all those “friend” doors open. These guys say they want to “protect” people’s feelings, when they are actually just using that excuse to justify lying, hiding and sneaking around. And why would someone want to lie, hide and sneak around? Because they want what they want when they want it, and they don’t want anyone getting wise to their game or anyone to think less of them or have to answer for their crappy behavior. It’s really quite vicious – using the excuse of someone else’s REAL feelings to be an assclown…and even garner sympathy from others for doing it.
BBP, you said it perfectly!
Grace, show some pride and don’t give this a**hole the time of day.
Once the contacts on the dating site dries up, he will be looking for you for an ego stroke.
I love you ladies!
And I won’t even START on the fact that he’s had six step-parents…
Grace – one of my EUM’s … his mother was married six times. Hello!
oops – clicked submit too fast.. that Hello! was what should have been my wake up call that they were raised to believe that relationships don’t last, don’t mean anything and there’s always another one around the corner.
I have two young sons, and I just want to know how do I raise them to be good, emotionally available men. I hope I have instilled some of the good stuff int them, but I don’t want to breed any more of these crappy loser men into this world.
Their father is EUM, and I’m affraid those traits have already been instilled to some degree. There must be something we mothers can do to help our children “get real”.
I’m sure you do, BWH. It must be a very difficult and heavy responsibility to try and balance your boys’ feelings if their dad is a bit ‘out there’. In the case of my EUM ,his father is an actor of the love ’em and leave ’em school who has had children with three women, and his mother is an ex-actress/dancer who has also had three husbands (so that’s four step-parents,sorry). So not only do you have all those relationships, but also two parents with performers’ egos, which are generally a bit ‘it’s all about ME! ME! ME!’, rather than their offspring. I think there are too many parents today – clearly not you – who don’t demonstrate good, loving,caring, unselfish behaviour towards their children, and in not doing so, make poor role models. My EUM has low self esteem but a big ego which I think has come from his upbringing, which has made him hate himself, but enjoy the ego boost that being with women gives him, and is controlling now because he feels he was over-controlled by his mother, and dislikes his father. Complicated? Oh yes…
My EUM and I just broke up on Friday night. When he broke up with me, he told me he didn’t feel the emotional connection he felt he should at this point in our relationship. I believe he is seeing a 27 year old with whom he works (he is 47). At a minimum, they are definitely chasing each other basis texts I saw. He was married for 10 years and lived with a woman for 3 years. Before he was married, he had other long term relationships. I am having such a hard time right now and keep asking myself, “Why not me?” What’s wrong with me? Obviously, he isn’t so emotionally unavailable that he can’t have relationships with these women – why not me? What’s wrong with me?
Judy, him being involved with someone else is not an indicator of whether he is or isn’t emotionally available – he’s just been involved with you and he wasn’t. Him potentially being involved with someone else means just that – he’s moved on. The trouble in this situation is you’re expending a lot of energy on speculation and avoiding the actual issue – the relationship is over, he’s opted out, and he has decided that he no longer wants to ‘try’ – that in itself is not your signal to be *more* invested – it’s a signal that you had better start backing the hell away because he has already left the building and does not value you. It doesn’t matter who he has been involved with in the past. So he was married for 10 years – he’s not anymore. He lived with someone for 3 years – he’s not anymore. And now he’s having his midlife crisis, possibly, and chasing a 27 year old. You don’t want to ‘deal’ – right now you are at that stage where rather than address the fact that you haven’t been in a relationship with this cold, uncontrolling man and that he actually isn’t a great catch and he actually has a negative impact on you – you want to obsess about him and analyse him. Being in a long term relationship is not an indicator of being committed or being emotionally available. You are focused on the need to be in *any* relationship rather than the quality of it. What is ‘wrong’ with you is that you don’t value yourself and in turn, that means you’ll be in a relationship with an assclown like him. He *knows* that he’s no good for you but he will also have clocked the fact that he can treat you badly and you chase him even more. This is OK for so long but the moment that he thinks that you need, want, or expect anything from him that goes over his ‘quota’, he will withdraw. Reading your comments, you had become increasingly concerned about his obvious detaching and this no doubt played out in your ‘relationship’. Does that mean you shouldn’t have said anything? Of course not – what it does mean though is that you need to realise that you are clinging to a barely there relationship and then wondering why it didn’t work when you know why it didn’t work – he was never in it.
Thanks NML. You last sentence is very truthful and what I know in my head. I guess its a VERY big indicator of where my self esteem is at because when I read that sentence, my initial reaction was “But WHY wasn’t he in it? Is it because I wasn’t pretty enough? My hips and butt are too fat? I’m not young enough? My personality?” Why not me? I would appreciate any advice on how to get my heart to accept and what my head knows.
Judy,
If you would spend more time with couples, living a more ‘coupled’ life style, you might notice – the happy couples might be pretty – but might not, too.
Character, respect, knowing joy in your life – these are essential foundations. They can and should last a life time.
On the other hand – if your SO is attracted because of your figure, your percentage of body fat, your prettiness – he is attracted to figure, thin or fat, or pretty – and likely not you. Every thin/fat/pretty individual he meets will be likely to re-ignite his search for the “perfect” bed mate. You don’t want someone judging a beauty contest – you want someone looking for a life mate. You need him to be dependable, secure, content, respected and respectable. You need a guy that picks you for those same reasons.
If you suspect your hair isn’t just the right style or shade for him, or that a few pounds matter – that isn’t a reason to change. (Changing can ruin his image of you – and lose him, if he identifies “you” with your pre-change appearance). If you don’t make the relationship last with candor, with honesty, with a smile and respect – accept that you picked the wrong guy.
Brad “Kissin’ don’t last; Cookin do'” (its a metaphor!) K.
Good morning Used,
I woke up to find that you are still posting and obviously crying out for help. I am wondering whether you have had a chance to read any of the posts that have been recommended, have read the threads posted by Brad and NML. If you have, have you found any solice and answers as to why her not me and your feeling used? If not I would go back and read NML’s advice to you.
I will share a story with you (without going into detail) that what you are experiencing has been experienced by others on here, including myself. I got involved with a Minister many years ago. I was in my late 30’s and believed that this man was the Love of my life, that I was going to have a family with him and live happily ever after, I thoroughly trusted him becaue of who he was and what he represented. That did not happen, after a year of being together (for reasons I don’t care to go into detail publicly), and engaged, he decided he couldn’t marry me and two weeks after breaking up he was engaged to another women, was married 2 months later and she was already pregnant. This all unfolded in the church we went to and where he is a Minister, the gossip was flying and I thrived on it. I was heartbroken beyond belief and I carried the extreme pain for many years, never had the children or the relationship that I so desparately wanted and thought he would provide. That said, I did move on but not completely and was always looking for some sign that he wasn’t happy and that he still, in some way cared for me. That never happened either except in my own mind.
Over the years that yearning faded away and I can now look at it objectively, only after many years (on and off) of therapy and counseling.
What I am reading from you is that you are still looking for some justification/validating from someone, anyone that what you are feeling is Right, including looking for that validation, justification from the people on this site with only hearing one side of the story. You seem to be the only character in the story because we haven’t heard from the others and have to wonder whether this reel is just playing over and over again your own mind.
You have a husband now who obviously respected you enough to marry you and you are still carrying a torch (as NML stated) for a man that has moved on with another woman for whatever reason and it doesn’t matter what reason, he did and it seems, you haven’t.
The answers to all of this are right under your nose, HERE and people have answered many of the questions you have asked but you are not hearing it. It seems as though you are just looking to vent. If so, do you feel better about the situation, that it’s out of your system by venting and you can move on or is it still playing out in your mind and not released. If it’s the latter you may be writing and talking for a long time.
You have want to help yourself first before getting help from others.
Used, one other comment, Please read the above post by NML!
I am sorry for what you went through. Truly sorry.
“Why her and not me” did help: you sometimes don’t get all of the answers you want. I always have wondered whether I caused his AC behavior, b/c he only started treating me badly after I ran into him at his regular hang-out (which I would have never went to if I knew he was going to be there)–and I never made dating blunders. (I hate how my friend put me in the awkward position of taking her there! Whatever…) But now I finally see that he would have proved himself to be an AC anyways. (But who cares! It’s his life.)
The overall disrespect from the AC and at least 3 acquaintances, who ignore me or put him and/or his wife first whenever he is around, is what bothered me. Not anymore! Let them ignore me! I know who I am. (Thank you for letting me vent, BTW.)
That, NML and Gail, is how and where I was “emotionally invested”: in his opening me up to being gossiped about, and the treatment from old friends acquaintances. This is what bothered me. (Yes, I did like him, at one time: the beginning, when I was treated well, and not a single day after I wasn’t!)
NML, if you were from a small community and a shame-based culture and society, maybe you would understand better what I am talking about: I am emotionally invested b/c I felt dishonored and shamed; and the way my freinds act when he is around made me feel terrible. I just won’t let any of this bother me anymore, and will focus on surrounding myself with good energy and people.
Yep, Gail, NML, my attitude had to change. Thx for letting me vent.
Also, I am not looking for signs (or an ego stroke) from him that he still wants me, or regrets what he did. (Though it would be nice!) On the contrary, I consider his flirting (which MANY have witnessed) to be ANOTHER disrespect. And I don’t know what I did to cause this disrespect! I just don’t understand: why he is now on MY turf; his hypocrisy; and that he still doesn’t get that he should respect me!
But now, especially after reading the above post, I don’t care!
Omg! Im no longer alone in this! Woo! Im so glad I found this site.
Just recently I found out the guy I was speaking with was still talking to his ex. He would call me for a mere 3-5 minutes claiming he was “so tired” but then turn around and call his ex for hours after me. He would constantly make me upset or cry. Then on top of that one day I asked him why he was so tired (now I know with the late night phone calls he was making to her) and he totally snapped on me. At least I finally approached him and told him what was up and that I knew. He (of course) denied. Even recently when I try to make small talk after the breakup he wants nothing to do with me. Im sure hes still calling her etc. I gave up on trying to talk to him since he was rediculous and was acting like a baby grabbing at anything to throw into my face while I was trying to have a mature conversation about where we stood as friends. Im angry. Mostly about me wasting my time for so long. All the false promises and the denial I just cant stand the fact that some men will deny even when caught red handed…..*grr*
Never really understood the reasons why keeping us as fallbacks when you have clearly no intention on trying or really relating to us all the while talking “crap” about how horrible your ex was when well (laughs) youre still talking to her!
Crayon,
I hope you’re not still speaking to this idiot??
Crayonsrfun–
How in the world did you find out about the late-nite calls he made? Do you live together? (If so, then this is a guy you weren’t just “speaking with.”) Good that you did find out about the calls! B/C you now know exactly where you stand with him, and that the reason why he tries to put blame on you is b/c he has been caught red-handed, guilty, as a jerk!
You are an ego boost, as well as someone he possibly uses in other ways, to get his ex back, and have the “door open” there. If you hadn’t caught him on the calls, then he may have kept the door open with you, too (but the calls to you would have been fewer and further between, if the ex ultimately took him back).
They find “loopholes” in your behavior/actions to “justify” (in at least their minds) their own behavior.
Be so thankful he showed his stripes sooner rather than later! 🙂
Heck no im not speaking to him anymore!!! I will NOT be second ever. And I made that clear when I walked. I found out about the calls from his friends. Mainly because he was hanging around his boys a lot and they knew what was up. They saw how much I was doing for him and of course they dont really like the ex so hence telling me. Of course he was really wanting to know who told me but I wont rat his “boys” out.
Crayonsrfun–
He used you as a confidence-booster. You helped him get his confidence back, so he could make those calls to the ex. And the snapping back at you, that’s a sign of unresolved feelings for the ex; and it was in response to questions about calls to the ex. Funny, once they have their now-“unattainable” and “perfect” exes back, the exes aren’t as “perfect” or desirable anymore! Consider yourself very lucky that his friends were honest with you!
Yeah Im lucky but at the same time I knew it deep down. We all have an uncanny sense of that when someone is up to no good. I had a feeling that something was going on. During the beginning not so much but then this one time he didnt contact me for a whole week. I might have been lucky to get one call for about 5 minutes. Come to find out his ex was “harrasing” him. My guess is that they were having a hard time/fighting whatever it may be and he had to deal with that instead of me. Dont get me wrong I knew something was going on. Then he had the audasity to say “what would happen if that happend again”? I was like ill dump your sorry ***!!! LOL! And I wasnt kidding!
How long did you see each other?
Crayons–They call it “harassment from the ex” to cover up the fact that THEY are the ones putting forth effort to win the ex (who is the one who dumped them) back. That is why he asked you, “what would happen if that happened again”–b/c HE has control over whether it happens again…he determines it! He is testing his limits!
How much time did you waste before dumping him?
I guess I am lucky because he was a control freak,but how are you suppose to feel when you ex left you after you had a miscarriage for another woman and 6 months later she is pregnant and he is rubbing it in your face? I feel like relapseing
Stormy–
Relapsing into what? Contacting him? You should feel lucky in not having him in your life…you know he is bad news. God works in mysterious ways. And the current pregnancy may even be strong proof of his controlling behavior over HER.
The worst EUM I have ever known I see on my turf every now and then, and he rubs it into everyone’s faces now that he is Mr. Family Man (he who had the rep of a jerk and a player, which I learned after dating him one month), and Mr. Thoughtful Gentleman (he acts very generous with his time and money). I do not have kids yet, and I have had problems getting pregnant. I miscarried once, too.
For a bit, I couldn’t help but wonder “what if”–because my life would have been way easier (economically, and without personal tragedies) if I decided to tough it out with him, and I would, therefore, have started to have kids way sooner, and not have had problems. Silly thinking! I live in peace, with a normal, healthy man. If we have to adopt, so be it!
Thanks Used
You are so right, and god found me a promotion in a another state so I leave in two weeks, I’m only 21 I got my whole life ahead of me……I am packing and not gonna say goodbye to him, just gonna leave it how it is. I deserve better and this is a opportunity for a fresh start 🙂
Stormy–
Why are you even bringing up saying goodbye to him? He does not deserve to hear the sound of your voice or a glance, much less a goodbye. (Maybe that is what you meant by “relapsing”…)
If any of your mutual friends or acquaintances inform him of your leaving, or he otherwise finds out that you are leaving soon (e.g., from your workplace), then he may try to contact you, to “wish you luck” or whatever, either on his own (directly) or through someone else (indirectly), to check up on you–as to how YOU relate to HIM, of course…in other words, to see the last status on your feelings for him before you leave. (How generous of him!) Make sure to: 1. chuckle; 2. ignore it all; and 3. not talk to him! Leave him hanging! A good way for you to start spring, a bad way for him! 🙂
@ CraynsRFun, you said, “I will NOT be second ever.” Very good. Very, very good.
But – he lied. You know he lied. Why would you continue to be close enough to worry about how many he has in line? With someone willing to lie about themselves and others, you have nothing to respect, nothing to honor – and his lack of respect and honesty and honor will break you down.
Untruths and being undependable can also be signs of alcohol or drug abuse, or other addiction, i.e. serious problems, compared to a healthy, disciplined adult.
So I would have bounced his butt out the door long before the question of getting close ever came up.
@ Stormy,
I am sorry about your miscarriage. The best revenge, though, is living well, or as well as you can. Choose to befriend and interact with respectful people, people that live honorable and disciplined lives.
And do what you can to cut off communications with this sick individual. Don’t look for closure, no goodbyes, no parting words – if he had anything worth saying, he would still be by your side.
I wish his current baby-mama all the luck in the world. There is nothing she could have done that deserved having him in her life.
Blessed be, and I pray your healing continues, and your grief comes to a gentler place in your heart.
All of these comments really help a lot!! I agree with the NC rule, it helps also. My situation is very complex at the moment. I was dating a guy for 2 years on and off long distant..and eventually ended about 2 years ago, because he was talking to his ex and they ended up getting back together and I found out and cut him off. I was doing the NC for over a year ,i felt better but i felt like i needed to talk to him, I eventually contacted him and he apologized and said he’s realised blaming himself of what a bad person he is bla bla. We talk time to time, and he still trys to control whats going on in my life asking me about my personal dating etc..sometimes he goes into phases where if i give the cold shoulder he calls like crazy and i don’t answer. When i eventually decide to contact him he aks me what i’ve been doing etc..to see if I have met anyone. He also flirts and asks me if I am still in love with him but I never give him a straight answer…i still do but he’s with her in another country..because of his childhood i now know why he is EUM…we are “friends” but certainly don’t act like it….I know something is there between is but it’s hard to let go again and try NC..it leaves me feeling more lost…when I ignore him is whenhe goes crazy on me and tries to make me feel really guilty for ‘not caring… He talks about future plans for me and him..Why is he with her if he still has feelings for me?
Mislead,
How can he make you feel guilty when he’s with someone else?
If I ever mention anything about other potenital people, he shows that he’s jealous which I know he has no right to because he doesn’t own me and he is involved with someone else, I don’t understand…
Mislead,
How can I say this. He doesn’t want you but he also doesn’t want anyone else to have you, as this will take the focus off him. This guy is a selfish, insecure jerk and you’re feeding his ego big time. For your own sake go NC, you have nothing to gain but a low self-esteem.
Mislead, it seems if you don’t make the contact you won’t hear from him, right?
Yes he is extremely selfish…it is putting me through a roller coaster ride…and something just holds me back.
Astelle, I would say he does 70 percent while I do the 30…Especially when he won’t hear from me for a while he starts with the calling and texting. It is surely like a game…
I dread th day if exeum contacts me .. I feel like I haven’t done enough work yet and he would just do the same pry into all my life and then vanish again.. so heres hoping to no contact from his end too.. so far so good ..
i will keep your comment in mind gaynor contact=low self esteem
Mislead,
I think you should contact the girlfriend and let her know what’s going on. That should get him to stop.
I was seeing a coworker on and off for the past 1 1/2 years and I finally cut ties with him in mid-March because I had this horrible feeling that he was leading me on…My gut instinct was right. His charm and flirting sucked me into his world and in the end, I got hurt. This afternoon made it even more apparent that he has moved on quickly-I overheard him leaving a voicemail to a girl about “finalizing plans for tonight”. Talk about rubbing salt in my wound.
Funny-as I am typing this, guess who just text me to tell me about some good news about a job promo? Yup my EUM. I am NOT responding to him. With all the crying and loss of sleep and appetite he has put me through over the last several months, he doesn’t deserve my time of day.
I’ve been reading this site for about 1.5 years and it has helped me transform into a different person. I was able to let a horrible EUM go and maintain NC. He’s tried to call me and I’ve had zero interest in returning his calls, we have nothing to talk about and I’ve taken time to really love myself and the wonderful woman I am. Besides, he wouldn’t be calling me unless he knew I was fantastic:) I also let go of another EUM for my past who I was “friends” with, the friendship was nothing but an ego stroke for him, I got nothing out of it.
I recently found a very nice guy that I’d known in college. We dated for about a month, then I realized that he wasn’t over his ex (who is a classic EU female who would never officially “date” him, just sleep with him). Not surprisingly, she saw us together and decided she wanted his friendship back. Although he’s a great guy, I had the strength and knowledge to remove myself from the situation immediately. I was extremely honest with him, told him I wouldn’t be his second choice/fallback girl/or Mrs. Right Now. He wanted to maintain a friendship until he decided what he wanted and I said no. My friends now look at me as the example of how to weed out men and stay away from bad relationships. All I have to remember is that dating and being in love is supposed to feel good. If you start feeling bad, or get a guy feeling that something is wrong, LISTEN. 99% of the time you’re right. Good luck ladies, keep reading the site and heeding the advice.
JC-
I only hope that I can be as strong as you in the not-so-distant future. Even after breaking it off with my EUM a couple of months ago, my heart still aches and I find myself crying once in a while. I guess if there is anything good that came out of this situation, I’ve learned that a good relationship is not built on one person making the effort to make it work. It has to be 50/50. And you are right JC, if I ever find myself in a relationship where I am constantly feeling bad, I need to get out.
All I can say is thank God I found this website. It has literally saved my life. I too am in a similar situation and desperately need some encouragement. My problems started about 4 years ago. I am a professional, moral, and intelligent woman for starters. : } Or so I thought. I am so devastated and ashamed of my circumstances. My assclown lives a couple houses down from me in our neighborhood. Our families have been friends for 6 years, our children play together. Assclown left his wife about 3 years ago. During his separation from her, he openly informed me that he had feelings for me, knowing that I was happily married. He pursued me relentlessly, calling, coming over when my husband wasn’t home. I at times hid in my home with the lights off to avoid him coming over or being near him alone, as I was trying to do the “right thingâ€. When I realized I was definitely attracted to him, I knew that being in a close proximity with him was not a good idea. I avoided him for about 2 years. He eventually moved back in with his wife “because of the kids and she couldn’t handle the financesâ€. He continued to pursue me. One day he was very mean to me unprovoked and I didn’t speak to him for 2 years. He was not remorseful and I was very hurt during that time, praying for an apology. Well last year out of the blue, he came down to my home and apologized for his behavior saying that he missed me and wanted our families to be friends again. He said that he has loved me for 4 years. Well, I lost my faculties! I forgave him immediately. He turned on his charm again and this time I didn’t have the strength to resist. He was very bold and swept me off my feet, said all the right things, said he wanted to be with me, didn’t sleep with his wife, only wanted me, etc. Over the course of 7 months, we declared our love for each other, but he never had “time†to see me. He would only see me an hour or two a week, sometimes not at all. He was all talk and no action, promising this get away, this outing, etc., but something always came up. We basically had a texting relationship only. We loved by text, had sex by text, and fought by text. Pathetic I know. He was not kind to me, used foul language toward me, didn’t want me in his biz, always had excuses why he couldn’t see me, talked about his attraction to other women, told me I was bossy when I wanted to share his problems, and told me I had no say in his life. Funny he didn’t say that when he asked me to borrow money several times, in which I willing gave him, because I loved him and would have given him anything he asked for (which I might add he has not and I am sure has no intention of paying back). Texting is not meant to be the only form of communication in a relationship. Well he sure didn’t have any problem walking down to my house for a quick f—k on a few occasions, which I must admit was the best sex I have ever had. I hate to admit it but he gave me what I needed: like a harlequin romance, walk through the door, rough me up against the wall, very passionate/hard/wanting me behavior. It was a nice change from what I had been getting for the last 15 years. The only reason I allowed the relationship to start was because when he said he loved me for 4 years and with the way I felt about him, I thought we might be soulmates, I had to find out. I was so deceived and misled. I love my husband, and I am ashamed for what I did. But I was confused and life is too short to let the love of your life pass you by. He had many personal problems: family problems, problems with his siblings/parents, job problems, no car, no money, psychological problems, anger mgmt probs, etc. Well we had an argument one night by text and I told him that I couldn’t accept be treated disrespectfully. He stopped talking to me cold turkey, no explanation, no remorse, wouldn’t reply to my texts, refused to talk to me. So, to save what dignity I had left, I stopped trying. The last thing I told him was that I would love him until I took my last breath and that he would always know I felt our love was worth fighting for. A day later he sent me a text saying “it is not me, it is him, he just can’t talk to anyone right now. He said he knows I care about it, and I looked good, he just can’t talk.†Well funny thing is, he was “talking†to another woman across the street within the week. It has been almost 4 months, and I haven’t heard a word from him. He ignores me in our neighborhood, at the kid’s school, he flirts with other women, he is seeing the “other woman†across the street now. This is the short version. My soul was shattered, my heart completely broken. I believe I would have left my family for this man. When we were together, it was “meant to beâ€. I am absolutely crazy in love him. He said he was in love with me long before I realized I was in love with him. I never thought we would break up. I mean, hell, he pursued me for 4 years, I figured he knew exactly what he wanted. I guess I should have realized where I stood when I asked him to meet me on Christmas Eve and he replied that he couldn’t because he was baking Christmas cookies with his wife! Thankfully, I realize what I have with my husband and am putting my part of the marriage back together. This is my problem: I can’t get over this man. I have to see him every day. It causes me so much pain and is reminder to me every day that “I wasn’t good enoughâ€. He was so mean to me in the end and I worry he is laughing inside at my stupidity, when all along I thought I was the love of his life. I have to see him with “other woman†across the street. It kills me to see him with her and his wife. It hurts to breathe and I have had times where I just prayed that my heart would stop beating because it hurts so much. I know he is not good for me, but my heart keeps telling me we are meant to be and that our lives aren’t through with each other yet. As each day passes, I am more devastated. I don’t understand how he has no remorse for hurting me, how he just stopped loving me (if he ever did) and am so hurt that he doesn’t miss me. How can I get past this if I have to see him with “other women†knowing he doesn’t care about me. After everything, my love for him has not diminished. He is a terrible person and I know deep down he is not happy. I didn’t ask for this situation, wasn’t looking for it. I feel I am paying all the consequences and having all the pain while he is content with his new love interest, like he has erased me from his mind like I never existed. I keep telling myself I would feel better if I knew he missed me and was suffering some consequences of our broken relationship, but I don’t think I will ever know those answers. If anyone has any insight into my situation, please help me. Thanks.
wow.. i just had to come back to reality and read this article and guess what? the feeling has passed.. I found out that my ex, who is still married, is still with the girl he starting dating after me… god, it stung a little to hear that.. but who the hell cares.. I know what it was like when i was there.. i know how it appeared and how it really was, and it’s been a year, but wow, that just stung.. and now a phone is ringing in the office and it was the ringer i had set for him.. i switched phones to never hear that ring again.. life works in mysterious ways… i’m better off, i know that.. but sometimes life throws you a curve ball.. hopefully i catch the next one..
miserable love:
you wrote: like a harlequin romance, walk through the door, rough me up against the wall, very passionate/hard/wanting me behavior.
Mine was like that too. But I am beginning to suspect that these men probably do this to avoid conversation 😉
truthhurts,
I absolutely agree. I realize now that he didn’t much like serious conversation. Anytime I tried to tell him my feelings or talk to him seriously (after all I thought he would value what I felt, had to say, contribute to the relationship, and value my opinions) NOT! – he would get mad and say that I am being “bossy”.??? for sharing my feelings?? He even had the nerve to say one time when I was trying to “be there” for him when he was upset, that he didn’t want to hear my psychic razzle dazzle.!!!! How rude!! I was so hurt. So, I agree, no, he really didn’t “want” conversation!! Thanks for the feedback, I need all I can get. I appreciate it.
Miserable Love,
I just checked in here to reread this article for my own self sanity. I, too, was hurt by letting myself fall for a married guy who said he was in love with me and that he was eventually “leaving” his marriage. He said his marriage was “over” before I ever came along.
Keep reading and reading and reading all the articles on this site. I was hurt because I trusted, for 3 years. And he turned out to be a real jerk, and even though I know he is a jerk, it still has taken me a long time to finally get over the fact that this is never really going to have a happy ending. I’m on about 4 months of no contact, and finally am seeing the relationship for what it was. I have a feeling he met another woman (while still married) to fill my shoes when I would no longer keep seeing him unless we could do it out in the open, legitimately.
It’s okay, though, because I deserve better than that, and I didn’t want to do things behind another person’s back even though he continues to do so.
I think it is really awesome that you still have love for your husband, and that there is a chance to keep that relationship going and maybe even make it stronger. I give you a lot of credit for that and hope that all works out for you.
Even though it may be hard to believe it now while you are in the thick of hurting and healing…. things WILL get better over time. How long it takes is different for everyone.
Best to you.
andoldblogger:
: } be glad that your feeling has passed. : } What you said about the ringer is eerie to me. I have dealt with the same thing. My assclown used to text my computer through my email and I realized after about a month he wasn’t going to contact me, I finally had to change the e-mail notification sound on my computer so that I wouldn’t be reminded of him every time I got an email. When I hear that sound on other computers, my hair immediately stands up on the back of my neck and I immediately think of him. Funny how the little things you think are of no importance remind us of so much. I too hope you catch the next ball. Hang in there.
Lisa: Thankyou for the encouragement. I hope I can be as encouraging to others in their time of need as well. I too am on about 4 months of no contact and it has been a difficult road. Just when I think I am doing good, I have set backs regularly. It sounds like you made the decision to end things, and rightly so, because you deserve to be seen out in the open appropriately. We are all too good to be stowed away in the closet until the assclowns want us. You were very generous and gave that jerk more than enough time to know what he wanted. I wish I had been the one to end it with my jerk, and really I am not sure which scenario is easier to deal with, but it would beat feeling like I have been – feeling used, discard to the side of the street like litter, with no control over how things ended. But, God has a bigger plan, and this may have happened because he knew I would never be able to end things with him. I am having a very hard time, but I can only believe your advice that things will get better over time. If I didn’t have to see him every day, as he lives two doors down and sits in his garage all the time, I feel I would be doing a lot better and able to move on easier. Every day is just another slap in the face when I have to see him and see him with O.W. across the street. I have even tried to spend more time outside just so that he will see me in hopes that he will realize how much I mean to him and how much he misses me, but that hasn’t happened. He watches me regularly, but there is nothing in his eyes anymore, and that just breaks me to the core. Just so hard to keep my head up and act like I have moved on and am happy. But that is all I can do to keep what dignity I have left. This whole nightmare has made me question who I am to the core of my being, what I have become, question the very essence of myself. I will keep you in my thoughts and pray for your situation as well.
miserable love: omg.. what a story.. i think most of us on this site, at least in this forum have been there.. i know i have and the feelings are nothing short of heaven, but they are always short term. There is a reason for this, although i dont’ have all the answers, i believe they are so real and so strong, yet so short, for a reason.. they aren’t meant to be. Nothing good ever comes out of affairs, cheating or feelings like that. I have a huge motto, i live by it and continually preach.. “those men that fall in love the quickest, fall out the quickest”… it has happened to me, my friends, it’s unbelievable. There are red flags that these men wave and we, as women, fall every time, despite the red flags. We are wrapped up in the moment and feel that “this has to be it, has to be real” b/c of how we feel. The bottom line is that it never lasts and most of the time the men, who are habitual cheats, liars, selfish and emotionally unavailable, eventually move on and cast their dark shadow on another girl. I know it’s hard to hear, trust me i still deal with it on some level day to day. How I can be the “sun the moon and the stars” to a guy, then have him turn on a dime, i’ll never know. What you have to keep going back to is that it was not all great. The highs, the lows, the anxiety etc…. There were days I truly wanted to die, but you get thru it, and come out the other end a better person and much more wise. You always think these “next girls” will get what you were promised, and that will never happen. It will never happen.. Move on and learn from your experience.. it takes time but will happen. It took me 4 months after changing my phone number, blocking his calls, booty calls, and disppointment after disappointment that i finally turned and NEVER looked back. I had reached such a low point in my life from it, i could not do it to myself anymore, and I chose to move on. That was last June… You can do it, we are here to help you 🙂
My XEUM is a serial online dater, extremely promiscuous and a lying cheat. Nonetheless, I think about him often and about the 27 year old that he was texting while we were on vacation and sending pictures of our vacation. She is a woman he works with…one of many in his harem, all of whom are supposedly “friends.” Because of her age (27) vs. his (48), I don’t know whether they were truly involved or whether he was just “hopeful.” I also do not know whether it turned into anything as we broke up 3 months ago and I am proud to say, I have maintained no contact for the entire time; although, I have been weak, desperately wanting to reach out to him, but I haven’t!
When we first broke up, all I could dwell on was what was wrong with me…why didn’t he want me….what does she have that I don’t….what could he possibly have in common with a girl young enough to be his daughter? Over time I have come to realize it wasn’t me, it was him. This morning, I was thinking about this article, the one about Exhaling and the one about Getting Back with Your Ex. In the Exhaling article, Natalie observes that these guys operate on a “need to know basis” – they only let you in on that much of their life or aspects of their life that they want you to know and you are completely cut off from and kept in the dark about the rest. In Getting Back with Your Ex, the basic point is if he hasn’t changed, why would you go back. Suddenly, I realized how true all of this is…..Little Miss 27 year old is/was (if she’s still around) in exactly the same position I was in – He only told her what he wanted her to know – he told her he was going skiing because he had to explain his not being at work and on vacation, I think he also wanted to impress her that he was going skiing, but I am quite sure she didn’t know he went skiing with his “girlfriend.” I am quite sure he also hasn’t told her he is active on 2 online dating sites and several adult sex sites looking for “discreet relationships and casual sex.” Just to name a few things I’m sure he also hasn’t told her: the extensive porn on his computer, his secret crush on another co-worker who just wants to be friends, that he is not as well-off as he portrays himself, that he does not have a college education like he tells people or that he’s an Amway salesman! (YES, that part is absolutely true)! So, there you have it….she doesn’t have anything I don’t have. In fact, she has everything I had – the rollercoaster ride, the lying, the cheating, everything XEUM has to offer in the way of aberrant behavior! AND, she is/was being kept on “need to know” status just as much as I was. Most importantly, she also has the heartache and pain that comes with this guy. Then, I asked myself why would I want to go back to that and, then, realized that I have something she DOESN’T have – peace and dignity and a sense of self esteem that is growing day by day.
andoldblogger:
Thanks for the encouragement. It is nice to know I am not totally alone. Everything you said I totally agree with. My love is and was real and the strongest emotions of my life, but unfortunately his supposed feelings were short-lived as you pointed out. I am having a very hard time understanding how they can “love you” one day, then wake up the next day and just decide they don’t anymore or don’t care enough about your feelings to tell you why they don’t want to talk to you any longer. I am not built that way. I just don’t stop caring about someone because I want to or it is convenient or I am through with that person. Love is never “through”.
I was led to believe that I was the love of his life like he made you feel the sun and moon set and rose with you. Then just like that, nothing else. No remorse, no contact, no care, nothing. Gone in the blink of an eye. And you are right, the majority of our relationship was NOT great! He hurt me, was cruel to me, lied to me, misled me, and made me cry so many times. He was a mean asshole.
I can understand and relate to you when you say that there were days you just wanted to die. This has also been the lowest point of my life and the grief took over every aspect of my life. I was reduced to a state of despair, let myself go, let my work go, etc. I even carried a separate cell phone, a go phone, just for him to contact me on so the bills couldn’t be traced. I stopped carrying it after the first week, then stopped checking it after the first month, then finally took a hammer to it and crushed it into a million pieces. He could still contact me through my email if he chose or could get off his lazy ass and walk 2 houses down to my house to talk to me like a decent human being deserves. But he hasn’t and I have been disappointed SO MANY times, I couldn’t even begin to recall them all. I totally understand and empathize with you and your situation. Unfortunately, the thought of him holding, kissing, or making love to another woman is not something I can handle right now. The thought of it destroys me. And I feel selfish and guilty for hoping that his relationships crash and burn. Why am I the only one paying consequences? He pursued me for 4 years, got what he wanted, dumped me on my rear, and appears to have no lasting consequences from his actions? We went from texting several times per day and night to nothing, cold turkey. How can a person not care that you have lost that closeness? How can he not miss me? Thanks for sharing and encouraging.
Miserable Love,
I was thinking about something that really helped me that reminded me of you….
You said something like you found yourself in a situation where you never expected to find yourself.
Like, for myself, it was a one time deal to be in that kind of relationship where it wasn’t all on the up and up, it was sort of deceitful… I trusted him, and I fell hard for a guy who I thought felt the same way about me.
These guys, on the other hand, are sort of skilled at what they do. They tend to pursue hard, and then get what they want, and then after they are done, they pull away almost as fast as they started the pursuit.
Women like us who are kind of naive and trusting are left wondering what we did, or what is wrong with us…. but really, nothing is wrong. We just made a mistake.
Pursuing married men is not a life style for me. I’m just sort of a “normal” single parent, and I’ve been divorced for almost 9 years. I don’t meet a lot of men or pursue relationships, so the relationship I found myself in felt very, very real and very much like love… It pretty much killed me for awhile when I made the decision to end it and walk away.
Just know that even though it seems like he was the one to end the “relationship,” he actually did you a favor. You are going to be the one to benefit. You can pick your life up and be a better person after this whole chapter is over….You are on this web-site seeking help and working on changing yourself. He is just going to continue looking for the next woman to fulfill the void in his life.
I don’t know if that makes sense. We all hope that the guy will eventually wake up and change into what we hoped he’d be, but even though most likely he won’t, the good thing is that we can change and grow into who we know that WE WANT TO BE!
Hang in there.
Miserable Love..
Did you say he is now involved with a woman in the neighborhood.. another woman, but is now back with his wife for finanical reasons? holy sht.. run far away and fast!!!! I chuckeled about the phone b/c i have done similar things and they do make you feel better. I was not strong enough to ignore his texts and was definitely not strong enough to not reach out to him, so i had to block. It was a win win for me b/c i could not call a blocked number, so I could not call him from my phone.It worked for me, plain and simple. You will eventually get tired of being tired. It will wear on you and then you will turn the corner. That is what happened to me, but it was about 4 months til I finally had to take action and do something for myself. I have not seen him in almost a year.. I did see his car at a place once in December but opted not to go in. Why put myself thru that.. You can see his condo from the highway.. the condo we lived in, the condo where we picked out all the furniture.. When i drive that highway, i wont’ even look over at his place. It upsets me, i won’t lie. He did a number on me, but another door will open for you and he’ll still be the same exact scumbag!!!!
anoldblogger:
The jerk actually left his wife for about a year 3 years ago, then moved back in with her a couple years ago because “she couldn’t manage money” and “because of the kids”, not because they love each other (supposedly). During his separation from her is when he started pursuing me, and continued to do so even after he moved back in with her. He and I started seeing each other last July, after I could no longer resist his pursuits. Well about 4 months into it, I noticed that the neighbor woman across the street started visiting him and hanging out at his house, in his garage, with him etc. I asked him to stop participating in that behavior, which he assured me nothing was going on with them. Well as soon as jerk stopped talking to me and told me that “it was him and not me and he was screwed up and couldn’t talk to anyone right now”, he was hanging out with other woman openly within the week. She spends gobs of time with him at his house when his wife and her husband aren’t home. Other neighbors have seen him sitting in the garage, then when she comes in, he closes the garage door. He hands out with her at her house too. She carries cups of coffee down to his house for him. It kills me. So yeah, I know I should run away fast. That is what I am trying to do, my heart just keeps getting in the way. You are right, and I am already tired of being tired. I am tired of him being in my every thought, every breath. I am worn down, behind on my work, lost my desire to do things, lost who I am/was. I don’t even know the person I have become, which is the most disappointing. I am so disappointed in myself and feel so stupid to have gotten myself into this mess and believed his lies and deceit. He is a scumbag! I hope one day I can be as strong as you are. Thanks for you advice, I need all I can get.
Judy: I can totally relate your story. The jerks only tell you what they want you to know and be a part of. You are doing so well on your NC. I too am going through the “what is wrong with me” syindrome. The OW across the street is also about 25 years younger than him, not attractive, also married, etc., and I can’t understand why or how he was able to walk away from me (not that I am all that) with no explanation, remorse, or care after everything we shared. I just can’t turn a switch off and change the way my heart feels like this Ahole can apparently. You are so right, the other women do have something we don’t: the MISERY. And you are right, it has felt good to have less drama in my life without him causing it, wondering every day if I am going to hear from him, if he will want to see me, if he will start up crap with me or make me feel bad, etc. That part I do NOT miss. Life has been a bit less complicated without him in it. Thanks for your insight.
Help! It was nice outside today and I was sitting outside with my laptop working. I saw my assclown, who lives two doors down from me on our street, drive by with his wife and family. Hopefully everyone has read my story to understand the details. I have really been having a hard time seeing him with his wife and the “other woman” across the street. Today I saw him drive by with his wife and kids and am wondering if they are “doing better” or if he is trying to “be a better” husband to her. It seems that since he stopped talking to me, he is doing just fine without me and I wonder if he is “happy.” I am really having a hard time seeing them together. I don’t know what I can do to not feel so sad, unworthy, and not good enough for him. I really miss him so much and hate that SHE (even though she has every right since she is his wife) gets to go places with him, eat with him, see him in the morning and at night. I love him so much and it just breaks my heart that he doesn’t feel the same. It has been 4 months since we last spoke and he hasn’t attempted to show me any emotions, care, etc. He stopped talking to me in Jan with no explanation, just cut me off cold turkey. Since I feel things are so unresolved, seeing him with her completely destroys my heart. Does anyone have any advice on how you have handle being in love with someone who obviously doesn’t want you and whom you have to see everyday with “someone else”. Remember this assclown also has a relationship going on with the woman across the street, and I have to watch him with her as well. Some days I just don’t think I can keep on taking this continuous slap in the face which destroys my heart more and more each day. I wish I didn’t have to see him every day, as I think I would be able to move on easier, but that is not a luxury that I have. I am also having a really time understanding why these types of men can treat us like this after we have been nothing but kind and generous and loving and patient, and not have to pay any consequences. WE are the ones who pay the consequences, and they carry on like they never knew us. I just don’t get it. Help!
Miserable Love… you will never find the answers, trust me on that. I have read so many books on this and still never found the answers.. My ex has a very narcissitc personality, so i read many books on that and some of them were so right on with his behavior and how he “turned on a dime” on me. The best book. “help i’m in love with a narccisist” was the best one. One part of the book that really sticks in my mind is how easily they move on, and go to the “next” all the while we are thinking the next one will get what we were promised. That is not how it works, and it will take some time to see that. These men are not real, they are shells, they are insecure, self centered and have no idea what love is. The fact that you have to see him everyday sucks.. but make a list of what you love about him.. you love “that guy” he portrayed himself to be, not him. That guy doesn’t exist. I remember when i broke up with my ex assclown last year, we had a very good mutual friend, a guy. That guy is like my brother, and to this day is glad it’s over and says, “run far away from him”. He asked about a month after the break up.. “do you miss him, and i said “yes”.. and he said, “what the heck do you miss about him.. his lying, his phoniness, his bs, his bs”.. I will never forget that.. You will be better, you will rise above this and he will still be doing the sam sht. it does get better, i’m living proof.
Jump on your lap top on the back deck next time.. Try to take small steps to avoid little setbacks.. it all helps.
anoldblogger:
Thanks for the advice. You are absolutely right. My assclown is definitely narcissistic and probably bipolar with his mood swings. What you said about him being a shell and not real is the absolute truth. I don’t think he knows how to love anyone and I know he doesn’t love himself. And he definitely wasn’t the man I fell in love with, which was not the real him. What I fell in love with was a facade, and does not exist. He was faking it or acting the whole time, just to reel me in. I caught him in many lies, and lying when it wasn’t necessary. I realize that I sometimes put myself “out there” so that I can see what he is doing, catch a glimpse of him, see who he is with, etc. I feel that I am better off knowing and staying informed, but I know it is just torturing myself, because everything I see doesn’t change how he feels about me. I am slowly pulling away from the habit of watching him, looking out the window, etc. I just miss him and feel happy just catching a glimpse of him. I really have just wanted to hide away from him, but for my own self-esteem/dignity, and to show him “I am just fine without him”, I have put myself out where he can see me (not in obvious ways to make myself look more needy and stupid) in hopes that seeing me will make him realize how much he misses me and loves me. Well that hasn’t worked either and I am tired of doing extra just to get him to notice me. So, I might as well sit in the back with my laptop or stay in the house, like you said. I worried that if I was “out of sight”, I would be out of his mind and he wouldn’t think about me. But being in sight, hasn’t worked at all. He doesn’t care. He has been out of my sight for 4 months and I love him just as much as I ever did and probably always will.
Does anyone else feel like that our assclown hasn’t had to pay any consequences for their behavior or the way they have treated us? I don’t treat people like that because I would feel guilty and remorse for my behavior, but he hasn’t and probably won’t. I am really bitter about being the one who is paying all the consequences of our failed relationship or both of our poor decisions, etc., especially when I wasn’t out searching for this situation, nor is it something I would have ever considered doing. He persistently bothered me for 4 years like a perpetrator, relentless, pushy, etc., and he gets to act however he wants and pay no consequences, move on to his next conquest, stay with his wife, have no remorse, and I am broken and suffering consequences for my choices and his actions. I am really stuck on this. I can only pray that at some point in his life God will see to it that he pays consequences for his actions, to purposely try to ruin another person’s marriage, just to use them, and discard them like they are trash, to hell with their feelings, their life, their family, their needs, and their wishes. Does anyone else struggle with this, and can anyone else see when their assclown pays consequences??
These articles are always like a kick up the backside for me. This is exactly true: (the new woman is) “a smokescreen that let’s themselves believe that they are not the assclown that they actually are.”
And silly me is upset to think she’s not as healthy as me and WILL tolerate him…and he’ll be “happy” with that. She will be just as emotionally unavailable and deceitful as he is, and therefore she’ll be “better for him” than me.
I KNOW “he was f*cked up when I was with him and he’s taken up with someone else, he hasn’t changed” but why do I feel so angry to think she’ll be OK with his behavior because of this it will last?
I am replaying everything in my head and having faux-conversations (things I wish I could say to him, composing emails I’ll never said) which I see is how I am looking “for reasons to stay emotionally invested in the situation even when he’s gone.” ARGH.
I understand everything this article says and logically, I agree with it. It’s just that emotionally, it hasn’t quite sunk in. And yes, I wasted yet ANOTHER DAY pining away, moping around, literally wasting my life thinking about the jerk.
Miserable Love…. go out and read that book, it will open up doors to how you are thinking and the kind of guy you are “sweating”right now.. Again, it’s called, “help i’m in love with a narcisssist”.. and YES, i too went over that in my head time and time again.. He is living the “high life” as I used to call it while I couldn’t eat, sleep, and wanted to die. The reality is this.. they appear as they are dealing with no consequences but in reality they are so unhappy with who they are!! Trust me on this.. I used to say the same exact thing. Your guy doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.. he just keeps going from fix to fix to mask the real problem which is him!!!! He is so unhappy with himself and deep down knows what kind of person he is, AS DOES EVERYBODY ELSE!!!!!! He will be with this girl til she starts asking questions or until she sees thru his facade and moves on. Then he will probably move on to “fresh meat” where he can start the whole thing over again.. Who wants to live like that? He pays for his consequences every day but doesn’t face them and eventually it will be his downfall.. he has to live with himself and although it may appear differently from the outside looking it, he is knows exactly what kind of person he is. I once told my ex in a letter, “i saw the way you treated your wife when we hooked up, then you turned around 8 months later and treated me the same way. I have no idea who you are, and i’m convinced you don’t know who you are”.. Sharp and to the point..
It’s not as it appears.. please.. read that book.. it will help you, and I”m here to help you too.. I have been there and I know exactly how you’re feeling..
anoldblogger:
Thank you for being my friend and listening and understanding. I will get that book and read it. I am so glad to have found someone who knows exactly what I am going through. And lots of people on this site have had similar issues with assclowns. I sure hope you are right about the fact that he is paying consequences. The hope that he is is the only thing getting me through each day right now.
I do have another question: What can I do to make myself look better than him TO HIM? The last time I talked to him in January, he had already cut me off cold turkey, stopped responding to my texts, so I tried one last ditch effort to walk down to his house when he was out so that I could get the truth to my face. The reason he stopped talking to me a few days prior (he had a habit of “cutting me off” when he felt like it for days at a time), is because he said he had some decisions to make, wouldn’t tell me what they were, and then proceeded to tell me that “I had no say in his life and I could be mad if I wanted.” Well I knew then that he would never say that if he loved and wanted a future with me, like he said he did, so I told him that I deserve to be treated better than that and deserve to have my feelings and opinions valued and respected. Well he didn’t agree. So a few days after his NC toward me, I walked down to his house to see “his frame of mind towards me” and the first thing he said is “I have too much shit going on to worry about you.” You can only imagine how devastated I was after everything we went through together. I still to this day have no idea what happened, what decision he had to make, etc. I asked him if he wanted to talk, he said NO, so I turned around and walked away and never looked back, never have spoken to him again. So needless to say, I felt kicked to the curb, slamblasted. I know I can hold my head high, because I wasn’t cruel to him, never said an ill word to him, gave him lots of money when he asked for it, tolerated his lies and his “inability to see me and spend time with me”, and because I know he is a jerk, but I have had a very hard time feeling good about myself. I have purposely shown myself outside where he can see me (with me totally ignoring him and not looking at him, and forced myself to “be happy”, play, laugh, act like I am just fine without him. I have done an excellent job, but inside I feel like dying and crawling under a rock because I worry that he is laughing inside at my stupidity and that he thinks I am an idiot. I want to have “myself” back again, the woman who was sure of herself, independent, self-assured. What can I do to let him know that I am better without him, happier, and that he lost the best thing he ever had?? Is there anything I can do to make him see me and think “Man I love her and I was so stupid, I really miss her??” Not that I want him back, but I just want to know that I am the one back on top?? Any advice or insight into this? Thanks
Miserable Love, why do you want to know that you are back on top?
He is married, you are married. He has a perfect shield – his marriage that he can hide behind.
The way to make yourself look better to yourself – not him – is by not contacting him, don’t go over to his house, don’t do anything.
He got money from you, right? He is “seeing” another woman on your street, right? What do you think he wants from her? A Relationship? A new wife??
This man is nothing but a user, he used you, the other woman on the street, the other woman 2 streets over and so on.
My question is: Let’s say he would tell you tomorrow that he can’t live without you and has to be with you, what would you do???
I apologize if I come across too harsh, I had my own experience.
anoldblogger, you are right, the way he treats his wife or ex-wife or ex-girlfriend is how he will treat you, why wouldn’t he? It “worked” in the past.
Astelle,
If you had your own experience it is likely you understand what I am going through… I have no intention or desire to contact him, walk to his house, wave at him, etc. I feel so victimized and violated by how he treated me. He was so cruel, mean, insensitive, never caring much about my feelings, then to top it all off, he said he had too much going on in his life to put up with me and my demand for respect and for him to value my feelings and opinions. He stomped right on my face with his boot and didn’t blink an eye. How does a person come back from something like that? Especially when I have to see him every single day, as he lives two doors down? It is hard to go outside knowing that you were violated in such a vile manner. I am mad that he got the “satisfaction” of throwing me to the curb. It has been really hard for me to hold my head high. I gave him everything that I am, my soul, my heart, my love and was left with nothing from him. Yes, I did lend him money, thinking that “I know where he lives” I won’t have trouble getting the money back from him. Yes, he is seeing other women. I am not sure what he is looking for. Sex for sure, maybe he is looking for someone better than his wife?? I understand that he is a user and that he used me, all the more reason that it is important for ME to somehow know that down deep HE KNOWS what an ass he is and that he knows I am a better person and better off without him. It is important to ME, but I know I will probably really never know how he “looks at me” now. I just wondered if any other girls had suggestions on how to make them “jealous” of what they no longer have, or if there is anything I can do to make him “feel remorse” and realize that I may just have been the best thing in his life. That is what I wanted to know. Deep in my heart, I don’t think he will ever contact me again, so I hadn’t thought about what I would do if he contacted me. That is why I said in a previous post that part of me wishes he would contact me so that I can have the “upper hand” to make the decisions, not him. But part of me hopes he will never contact me again, because then I would have to make a decision of what to do, and yes I know you and everyone is thinking “what the hell decision do you have to make, don’t even entertain the idea of taking him back.” And yes that is the wisest decision to make. He was a love I will never experience again and I don’t have the strength right now to entertain the thought of him contacting me again, even my doing so the very act would validate my “worthiness”.
Miserable Love, I feel like you need to try as much as possible to breathe and bring your sight line back to you. While he may be physically proximate, you are allowing him to eclipse your every thought as well. And the reality of him is he is a MESS (and not in a sympathetic way!), and he is just running around making a bunch of messes. It is so, so painful to lose love, no matter how it revealed itself. But your words describe such a toxic situation with you as its captive audience. It is time to reject that mess. The more you can get *out* of the house, and out of this screening room in your mind where you review the same footage over and over again ( I say that because I have been there!), the more you and your thoughts will breathe and have a chance to heal. Maybe involve yourself in at least one out of the neighborhood activity that shifts your focus to other projects other people, talk to a counselor, join a support group, volunteer, go on a vacation—do whatever you can to give yourself breathing space and healing space. Any of those things introduces the possibility of interrupting the obsession, and refocusing your energy on you and your recovery. Healing includes getting angry. And you have every right to be angry at all aspects of the situation. And then the right to let it go and live your OWN life, not his. You deserve you own love and compassion most of all. It sounds like your situation was one thing and now it is another. In all of his situations, he is triangulating his relationships and feelings, lighting fires on every corner, staging crazy Shakespearean-style star-crossed tragedies, pitting people against one another, and overall just making a total disaster of his life, other peoples lives, and the neighborhood. You deserve health, joy, honesty, consistency, clarity, confidence, and the love of your friends and family. Looking for revenge only returns the focus to him (and good grief, he certainly has enough attention as it is!) and plays further into the drama.
miserable love.. not sure where to start but here goes.. your worthiness comes from you and within not some ahole who uses people and is a piece of shit with no morals or balls.. yes, i have been there til i just got so tired one day of feeling down.. you have taken the right steps to cut him off and not contact him but the obsessing is 10 steps back.. You have no control over what he thinks about you.. once you heal within yourself your self confidence and independence will shine right thru.. I remember when i was in therapy, i was so obsessed with talking about what HE was doing, what HE was thinking, HIS behavior, when finally my thereapist told me that she did not know HIM and was not there to analyze him, but to work on me and stop the obsessing.. I did it all.. I drove by the thier house where the wife still lives alone, i drove thru the airport one day looking for his car b/c I hadn’t heard from him and wanted to know if he was away or traveling for work, driven by his apt, gotten out of my car and spied on his apt, checked his email (bad, bad idea), checked his phone bill online (yes, i know his passwords), etc.. It was one thing after the other and it dug me deeper and deeper into a hole i will never go back to.. I lost myself, felt like i was not worthy, could not put my head around what went wrong, how he turned, what i did. I have never felt so insecure in my life and it started while we were still together and the it was almost over. You will never find the answers. The best way to proof anything to him and yourself is to move on.. really move on within… I would get yourself into some therapy as well. Chances are he is not thinking of you, he has too much other sht on his plate.. Once you heal within, your actions will will speak volumes to him about what a loser he is!!!
You have to want to move on.. that is the key.. These feelings must be getting old?.. You are doing good, no contact, but stop obsessing and get to therapy or a bookstore and start some self help….
I am so thankful that I found this site! I was recently devastated by an assclown and reading this and all the fantastic advice has actually begun to help me see what he really is! I am still in the friend mode, but I realize now that I need to do NC. I just cannot bring myself to do it. I don’t want to cry and hurt anymore. I am tired of the roller coaster of ups and downs. I hurt for the loss of my future with him. I need some help putting a plan into action and going forward with it. I think the only way to do this is with NC. Everytime I decide this is it, I cave when he calls, which he does 7-8 times a day. He acts as though nothing is wrong and inside I am dying. Any advice for starting the NC and STICKING to it!
devastated…. do youself a favor.. NC.. change your phone number, block his number.. it’s not fair.. he can’t have his cake and eat it too..
I switched phone plans to block his #.. i could not call his number as well since it was blocked.. i blocked his email too.. sound a little much? guess what? it worked for me and i finally moved on..
I was not strong enough to ignore the calls, although it was not to that extent, but was also not strong enough to not call him especially after some cocktails.. i had to bring out the big guns and it worked.. he still snuck a couple of pix messages in which could not be blocked.. agin, fking with me, but i managed to ignore those.. there were only a few, then they stopped..
anoldblogger..I am so confused. I know this is the right thing to do in my head, espically after reading all the others that have done it, but how do you tell your heart that? Why do I keep holding onto hope? I am so much better then this clown and I know this! I get myself all prepared and ready to do it. I pick a date, then he calls! Like a radar goes off. I have already begun not to see him as much. There is no sex anymore. It’s so hard. I feel so stupid for feeling this way. When we ended things I was crushed, he called me 30 times that day to make sure I was ok. Then he tells me he loves me and I am the most amazing women he has ever known, and we have so much fun when we are together and he can talk to me about anything for hours and hours.Then why do you not want a gf right now? This is the statement that I cannot get out of my head to convince myself to stop talking to him altogether.
devastaed.. he is being selfish and wants to keep you hanging on.. i’m not saying he does not feel those things but to say them, then tell you he does not want a gf right now is selfish.. he doesn’t want you but doesn’t want you to move on.. text book!!!!! I did the same thing with the phone.. i would go out and not bring it, i would put it in the other room, and would turn it off at night when i went to bed.. Tell him not to contact you since it’s too hard, if he continues to do so, you need to take bigger measures.. just my opinion.. when me and my ex broke up, i was so distraught the next day, i changed my phone number b/c i could not look at the phone anymore.. i was consumed.. well the next day i got an email and it said, “your phone is not working”.. i broke right away and told him why i changed it, how hard it was, how upset i was, etc.. then gave him the phone number.. his response.. ” well that explains it”.. I’m over it but still get so mad thinking about it.. once i blocked him from my new #, he tried calling he tried texting etc.. and eventually told someone, “she doens’ t want to talk to me, she blocked my number”.. it was so hard for me, but evidently he had nothing of substance to say to me, b/c he stopped trying after he realized i was not reaching out to him and he could not reach me.. strictly an ego stroke and confirmation i was still there.. it was so so hard.. but like i said, that was a year ago.. everytime i speak to him before i blocked him, i thought, “this time it’s giong to be different, he wants to work things out”.. it was never like that.. i spun into such a depression, i had to stop the madness… one day he texted me something and i looked at it, and just had a break down crying.. the nerve of him.. well, no more!!!
i’ll admit i had to take drastic, and probably weak measures to stop the nonsense, but it worked.. but that’s what it is.. nonsense!!!
I really wish I had done the NC 2 months ago. I know that I am going to miss him so much. Even the thought makes me tear up! I also know that I cannot continue to live my life in this craziness. I am so happy then so sad in a matter of minutes. I am driving myself crazy. As I type this he calls me and wants to see me tonight? Part of me wants to see him so much, but the more I do, the more pain I feel when he leaves. I cannot understand why these clowns cannot see what they are doing to us. When I brought up the idea last week of taking a break from each other….he cried and begged me not to. If he doesn’t want me as his significant other, then why do you want me around at all? How can they switch on the flip like they do and go from I love you, I will marry you someday to why can’t we just be friends? Do you think it’s best to pick a day to start this NC or do it now? I feel like I need a plan to occupy my mind.
Devastated,
I can relate to your situation in a lot ways, and I hope this site helps €you as much as it helped me. I couldn’t imagine not having my EUM in my life or how I would face each day without him, but 4 months later, I am actually just starting to do better, and I have to see my assclown every day. We are here for you! My assclown didn’t even care about me enough to ever CALL me, I just got the proverbial TEXTS. But, we texted all day as much as we could. Then one day, I guess he woke up and decided he was “done with me”, cut me off cold turkey, stopped responding to me, etc. Your situation is very difficult because he keeps calling and you are faced with making the difficult decision, but BE HAPPY that you are in the driver’s seat and can take back control of your life!!! All you can tell your heart is that you are taking your life back. You won’t stop loving him, but you are demanding the life you deserve, the life you aren’t getting from HIM. It is painful and excruciating. I held onto HOPE for the last 4 months. He texted me twice after I walked away from him, just generic texts, not saying he wanted me back or loved me, but I didn’t respond. To this day, I naturally hold a little hope that he will come back around, but I have realized that after the first day of NC, he was too late. He didn’t fight for US. I have to live with that the rest of my life. One of the last things I told him was that if he could live one day without me, I didn’t want him because I wanted someone who was positive they couldn’t live their life without me in it. No response. It was then I knew. Please read my other posts. I heard the same crap from my assclown: I love you, want you, need you, all the day before he stopped talking to me!!! He gives you just the crumb you need to keep you hanging on! You deserve better! Do NC now! Don’t schedule it. If you are really ready, you could even tell him that it is over, then you have to be strong enough to maintain the NC, or if he has been an ass to you, just start the NC without an explanation. Just go out “on top”. If he isn’t fighting for you and willing to make changes or doesn’t say he can’t live without and prove it, forget him. He doesn’t want to take the time or energy to keep you as his puppet. You deserve better!! We can help you. His “crying” is a ploy to keep you feeling for him. My assclown who is 54 years old cried once too. I thought it was genuine at the time. It wasn’t. He no longer has a need for me, because I finally demanded that he respect me and value my feelings and opinions. Guess he decided I was too much work. He has already moved on to the woman across the street. Hope she doesn’t want to be respected or he will dump her too. Let us know how you are doing. Your needs need to start being met.
devastated
here is the beauty of no contact ( NC )
I had to check my calender to note that it was officially week eight, earlier today i thought it was three months. This is a good sign, I am not so obcessed with how long I’ve been NC.
.
NC is hard but it is empowering. I think the drama needs at least six weeks to lose it’s grip and addictive quality on one’s head. That does not mean the obsessing is magically gone, but I think you will notice a positive enough change, after two months, that you will want to continue NC.
Meanwhile if you do so some thinking, walking, writing, reading here…you will probably have plenty of many amazing insights. If you have had more than one EM encounter, I would not walk but run to download NML’s book.
My suggestion is to do NC and then just listen to all the thoughts that arise, here are some common ones…ahhh he was the love of my life, what a narci /a-ho/ baby-man, he was the guy I thought was the one, a nonstop disappointment, someone I had an amazing connection with, he is so cruel, he is a total EUM, arseclown etc etc, etc.. ad nauseum
notice the incredible confusion in those thoughts, and the ensuing drama that comes with confusion, ugh, you will hopefully be glad to be rid of it
If, however, at any point, you feel that you really made mistake, surely you must have done somethign wrong, and thus should initiate contact….. a woman named Judy wrote this awhile back, and I saved it to savor, its a true reality check
“I can honestly say [your ex’s name] was the most loving and
perfect partner for me. He/she treated me like I was the most
important person in the world, always with respect and without
hesitation to place my needs ahead of his/her own. The time
spent with [your ex] was the happiest I have ever been. â€
Devastated and Aphrogirl:
Aphrogirl is absolutely right! I didn’t think I would ever be able to maintain NC. I am not the one that initiated it, and I wanted to run back to him and get him back. I am at 4 months now and I am so PROUD of myself! The NC is the only thing that has given me a few ounces of dignity back! It still isn’t easy, but it beats caving in and chasing after man who obviously doesn’t want me and look more stupid than I already do. We have to have some pride! I am still obsessing, but I am working on taking advice of the posts. I am glad I no longer feel like assclown’s subordinate or that I am always “bothering” his busy schedule. I bet my assclown can’t believe that I have stuck to NC this long, I bet he probably thought I was going to come crawling back to him a long time ago, and when I didn’t, that may be why he didn’t want to fight for me, as I am too independent and expect to be treated too good for him!
What aphrogirl quoted at the end of her post is wonderful and will help us heal. Nothing in that quote can I say is true about my EUM. He was hardly ever loving and was disrespecful and definitely thought of himself before me.
Right now I am struggling with why I wasn’t “good enough” to fight for, or make him want me like he did at first. It is really distressing. He pursued me. I fought him for two years telling him to stay with his wife, as it was the right thing to do. He persisted and assured me I was the one he loved, wanted, and needed. I fell into the deceitful trap and let my senses take over. Now look where I am. Just hang in there!
Thank you for all your comments. The EUM that I am dealing with is not married, never has been. he is younger then me and yes…we work together. I just wish I could snap my fingers and be done with this. I have been addicted to this site since finding it a few days back. I smile, laugh and cry when I read the different blogs and comments as they all sound like I could have written them. Is this true with anyone else, that as soon as they feel you moving on, they try harder? I have not made intial contact to him since last month. He has been the one calling and texting. I don’t initiate plans, he does. When I talked to him a few weeks back and said that I thought that maybe I needed some space from him to heal, he was ok with that, he cried and said that was not whathe wanted, but if it was what I wanted it was ok with him. BUT…I couldn’t do it. I am so angry at myself and disappointed in myself that I can’t seem to do this. Even though I know I need to. Does something have to click in my head to tell me it’s the right time? I feel so helpless to this clown. I have never been this way before??
Bryan,
Thank you! I hope you stay connected to this post and provide more advice and feedback! You are so right! I have been having a terrible time with the fact that EUM lives so close to me. I am reminded every time I go out my front door and it is hard not to “feel his presence”. This has been my biggest obstacle in getting over this man. I have really tried to stop looking down at his house or looking out the window across the street to OW’s house to see if she is out being EUM’s eye candy or if he is down there. Thankfully, I stay pretty busy with my work, my kids, etc. And we have taken a couple vacations away, which did me a world of good (except I know I worried about what HE was doing and with whom).
He is a MESS in every sense of the world, everything he touches lights on fire. He is a terrible human being, and since I am not that way, I can’t fathom how he can sleep at night with the things he has done to so many people. But apparently he can and without remorse!!
anoldblogger was right. I haven’t been looking at my hurts like I am obsessing. But I get up and go to bed with the same questions on my mind, and hope that the next day will be the day I finally get some answers. You all have helped to realize that as much as I blamed myself, his behavior isn’t really about me. How could it be, I was everything he wanted when he wanted and not until did I start demanding something in return did he break up with me. I was so patient with him, he never had time to see me, meet me, asked me for money which I willingly lent him, he didn’t pay me back when he said he would and still hasn’t. I realized toward the end that he wanted me to be “Supplemental Susie” to his life. He laughed when I called myself that. He wanted someone to be there for him, but who had no brain, no feelings, and was mute. He didn’t want me to speak, disagree, share my feelings, share my opinions, help with his problems, nothing. He would get mad when I did so. I have never met a man who would get mad when you asked them how they were doing, but he did!! There was a string of days, “he wasn’t feeling well” supposedly. Well on about the third day, I again asked him what was hurting or how he was feeling, and he actually cussed me out, saying “I already told f***in told you and I am not going to repeat myself!” !!!!!!!!! I was so stunned and hurt, I just cried for hours. Of course, he later apologized. So, I really can’t see that he is “happier” without me.
So, why am I having a hard time understanding why I wasn’t good enough?? He has told me how he feels about his wife. Not that I am ALL THAT, and not trying to be mean here, but physically his wife is not attractive and neither is the OW who is about 25 years younger than him! He said he loved me because I was strong, a professional, independent, liked my personality, thought I was beautiful, loved everything about me, etc. And toward the end, he said ” I guess I didn’t realize how BOSSY you are! ” I never once BOSSED him around. I was totally his subordinate, and that is not my personality at all. I am no one’s subordinate, but I did it for him. Last night, I saw him sitting outside talking to his wife. I immediately broke down. I miss him, why I don’t know?? I don’t think he thinks about me at all, and I don’t understand how a human can be that way. I guess to him I am like litter on the side of the road. Can someone tell me how a person can be that way? Love us one day, not the next? Texting love one day, then pretending we are dead the next? No feelings left in one day? If anyone has been through this, please give me something here, because my brain doesn’t even work that way. I am kind and caring, and can’t even fathom treating someone like that or waking up one morning and act like the last year never happened. I have to live with the knowledge that he did this to me the rest of my life and it is the most worthless feeling in the world.
Devastated,
Have you tried putting the ball back into his court? Tell him what you need, and he needs to decide if he will or won’t do what you need. If he wont, then tell him to stop contact you, then you can maintain no contact. If he has said he would do what you need many times and doesn’t come through and you are comfortable with all the efforts you have put into the relationship, it is time for NC. But you need to be at the point where you are comfortable doing NC, or it won’t work. Only you can decide if it is time or not. If you have exhausted all efforts and he is not responding appropriately, it is time. You need to decide how many times he has cried, you conceded, and he has still let you down. For some of us it takes only once, but for others it will take many times. You have to do what you are comfortable with. If you know deep down that nothing is going to ever change, it is time. He needs to pee or get off off the pot! : }
Miserable Love~ Yes I have been exactly where you are at. It hurts inside because you cannot comprehend how another person could behave this way. But reality is that there are sick people in this world who instead of facing their issues drag others into their sorted messes. It’s not right, it’s not fair but it happens. It’s happened to almost all of us that post here. The stories are different but the pain, suffering, and heartache are the same for us on the receiving end of assclowns.
Can someone tell me how a person can be that way? Love us one day, not the next? Texting love one day, then pretending we are dead the next? No feelings left in one day?
These questions above which you posted – unfortunately you will not get answers for. Their behavior is not normal, and in some ways asking all the questions is a form of control. Trying to control a situation or incident of which you are powerless to change because it relates directly to EUM.
I know I’ve said some things directly which upset you but I really want to help you move on. I’ve been NC now for 8 months it gets easier all the time once you take back control of your own life and stop worrying, thinking and analyizing his or what went wrong. There are no magic tricks here, no pill to take, no high powered drink mix, to wash away the pain and sorrow of what has happened and how devastated you are.
Find acceptance that he is who he is, that by remaining NC with him you are taking back your own life and rebuilding yourself. You will find that after some time passes the answers you are searching for today, won’t make all that much difference after you’ve moved past some of the pain. You’ll be too busy getting on with your life and living it and finding that happiness again which he seemed to have stripped away.
Betterwithouthim-
Thank you, I know you are trying to help me. I appreciate it. You are right, I want answers to those questions, because I am a woman of control, and he took that away from me by cutting me off with no remorse. Fortunately, my happiness is slowly returning and so is ME, the person I was before this horrible tragedy in my life. Thanks for all your insight. My problem is replaying everything in my head to identify if I caused him to be the way he is, but I just can’t find anything. I am not the subordinate type, but when it came to him I was his subordinate, how much happier could he have been? I just remind myself hourly that he is not happier without me. He has his miserable marriage and the less fortunate OW idiot across the street who is a twit, ignorant, uneducated, alcoholic, eating disordered witch, so my thoughts are if he is happier with that arrangement, more power to him. : } I am slowing taking back my life, and I owe it all to you guys.
Better off without him asked…
“Can someone tell me how a person can be that way? Love us one day, not the next? Texting love one day, then pretending we are dead the next? No feelings left in one day?”
here’s my best shot…ummm, they did not ever love us, they may not know how to love, or they may confuse something else with love. Love is actions, not words.
Course, its just as relevant to consider why we might have believed or chose to see this ” false love” as something real, or significant in some way.
In my case I think I was with a man who wanted to love, but was not willing to work to overcome his significant and deep rooted issues that brought resistance to his loving anyone. He knew all this, sometimes reveled in his clown nature, sometimes was clearly tortured by it.
But reality is, he never really did the work of loving me, with both feet in, and thus could never could give me what I wanted. It took me a long time to give up on him.
Miserable, I would not think twice or care about him ” being with” another woman. Being with is not loving. That guy you describe is worse than a “guy with issues”, he is a walking disaster.
If the AC I know could actually could love another, I’d say it was a breakthrough for him, and I’d be glad for them both.
I have to see the EUM twice a week at a 2-hour long meeting. Since our “falling out” a month agoI have ignored him. I don’t look at him, I don’t make eye contact, I don’t speak to him. Occasionally we must briefly interact but I’ve still managed to avoid eye contact and speaking/responding, even when he squeaks out a feeble hello. (My behavior would be considered the height of rudeness if anyone noticed, but I don’t care if I look like the jerk.)
I find myself wasting a lot of energy on working to avoid/ignore him. I feel I make a mental note of where he is in the room so I can move to the other side, or keep myself from accidentally meeting his eyes when I happen to be smiling. (His newest soul mate is also at the meeting now so get to ignore him as he plays the role of the solicitous, attentive boyfriend.)
I feel working this hard to ignore him just keeps me stuck. My “public persona” has always been friendly, playful, warm and having to switch to a cold shoulder is difficult.
Also, I admit that it was satisfying to know my ignoring him initially confused and rattled him. But now that he realizes I mean it, I find myself angry that he no longer appears to care/notice that I’m ignoring him, so I’m struggling NOT to catch his eye just to give him a dirty look. I’m also angry now that he’s avoiding/ignoring ME!
Not attending the meetings is not an option. Anyone have some advice for me? Help.
Miserable Love,
I have decided to confront him tonight for the last time. I am going to doexactly what you suggested as it makes the most sense. I know he will not give me what I want right now, so I am prepared to start NC. I cannot do this to myself any longer. I actually, for the first time in over a year, DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. He was so sweet yesterday at work and I thought things would be good, the he went missing until this afternoon. With no real explanation. He is coming over this evening to see me and I am going to have this talk with him tonight. This sucks, as I know I will have to start the heartbreak all over again. I need help! I have never in my life been this low and depressed. I read eveything I can on this and nothing seems to work. It’s terrible to say in a way, but reading this site and realizing that this happens to so many of us is eye opening. I only hope that I have the strenght to see it through and when I see him on Tuesday at work, I can continue with it. I just know I am going to miss him terribly and I cannot figure out why?? I was so lonely while I was with him. What’s the difference?
TJ:
I can really related to your situation, as it has many similarities to mine. I really feel for you. I totally understand how unnatural it feels to “ignore” someone, as it takes so much work and effort and consciousness to do it. You are always aware of where he is and who he is talking to, what he is doing, all without looking at him, just feeling him near you. I feel like having to do that does keep us stuck and there isn’t too much we can do about it. My EUM lives two doors down in my neighborhood and I have to see him everyday. It is horrible. He is married and within a week of cutting me off, he was cavorting with other woman across the street, and I had to watch it all play out. Talk about heartbreak. It was and still is hard not to collapse. The same thing happened to me – it is so much work and not my nature to “ignore” and pretend someone doesn’t exist. And in the beginning, he would watch me outside, etc. and I thought that would get him to miss me and want me back. But, over the last 4 months, he doesn’t even give me a second look and probably not a second thought anymore and that is even worse, because now I don’t think he thinks about me AT ALL. It is not fair for you to have to quit your job to get away from him and his crappy behavior. The only thing I can suggest is to try to sit in the meeting where you can’t see him and other woman, no eye contact, continue to ignore him, etc. If there is any way to avoid the meetings, etc., you might try to check into that alternative. If not, you will have to suffer through the meetings. Oh the tangled webs we weave. If I had known that it would be so hard to deal with our proximity if we broke up, I never would have gotten involved. The problem is that since assclown pursued me for 4 years, I figured once I finally gave in to his advances, we would never break up. I told him we could never go back to the way things were before we got together. I believe that having to see our assclowns on a regular basis is preventing us from healing at a regular pace like other people’s situations. It is a terrible position to be in. Think about if you have any options at all to avoid him more, and let us know how you are doing. Hang in there!
Devastated:
You are doing the right thing. I totally feel that you need to resolve any last minute questions with him so that you will be able to move on. Of course, I hope it works out as you hope, but if not we are all here for you. He has had enough time to figure out what he wants. If he can’t say for sure he wants you, then you deserve better. This is going to be a very difficult time for you, but what you will have that will help you through this is your pride, and control over your destiny, and the ability to make choices for yourself. I didn’t have that. Yes, you will miss him, but you already have missed him, so you are right, what is the difference?? The finality will be heartbreaking for you, but knowing that you made a sound decision based on your talks with him, and are telling him to pee or get off the pot, will be enpowering for you, and will be the driving force behind your ability to maintain NC. Now, as I just told T.J., we have the same issues with having to see the aclown every day. It will be hard and won’t be helpful in helping you get over him. Think if you have any alternative to that situation and tell us what happened tonight.
Miserable Love,
Suprise…he didn’t show up last night, he called and said he was to tired. He has had his phone shut off all day today and so I think this is the straw that broke the camels back for me. I packed up all his things and put away all the things he had ever given me. I wrote down my thoughts to get them out of my head. I am done! No more! I will have to see him on tuesday, but I will deal with it. I have to keep telling myself that this is all his loss. I mean really, what did he have to offer to me? NOTHING! I am prepared to not even give him the choise of peeing or getting off the pot. He just needs to leave me alone. I fully intend to just start ignoring him. I know this will be hard, but I am going to keep reminding myself of all the horrible ways he has made me feel and all the nights I spent crying over him! I am pissed off ay him and myself for allowing this to happen. I thought that if I talked to him face to face it would be easier for me. But I am not going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me get upset again. Thank you for helping me and I will let you all know what happens. This sucks! When will I start to feel better is the question.
Devastated:
OMG!!!! What a craphead!! Big surprise! Things happen for a reason and I believe that him being too tired was meant to be so that you would have a reason and be ready to move on. You have done the right thing by packing all his things! If there isn’t too much to put in your car, I would put it in there and “get a message to him Tuesday at work” to get his crap out of your car during his lunch hour or put it outside and have him stop by when you aren’t home and pick up his stuff. THIS IS ALL HIS LOSS! Too tired, my rear!! Why is his phone off all day today too? Forget him. He has given you nothing and offers you nothing. No man is too tired to spend time with the woman he wants. He should not get the choice of peeing or getting off the pot. He already made it. He needs to leave you alone. I would ignore him, won’t be easy. He will try to talk to you and find out why you are giving his things back, etc. Don’t talk to him. Just keep reminding yourself all the crappy things he has done to you and it will help, that is what I do. He had no care for your plans last night, just himself. Talking to him face to face isnt easier, it is harder. Whatever you do if and when you see him face to face, act fine and for God’s sake do not CRY in front of him and give him the satisfaction. It is VERY HARD. My last conversation with my assclown after he had “cut me off” for days, he told me he had too much shit going on to deal with me!!!! He also said he didn’t see any reason to work things out because I didn’t believe him because he always went back to the same behavior. I said fine and turned around and walked away with my head up and barely made it to my car and completely lost it. Don’t let him see you cry. Since you are in the same boat as me and have to see him every day, it will not start feeling better for a LONG time. I am in month 4 and still regularly have bad days. Avoid him at work, don’t look at him, ignore him, laugh and look your best, act happy, etc. Let us know what happens and we are here for you if you need to talk.
Everyone,
You all aren’t going to believe this crap! A friend of mine told me about a website all states have that you can go to for free and check for criminal and public records. Well, I went to the website and put in my Aclown’s full name and I couldn’t believe what all popped up. Well over the course of our 7 month relationship, he asked me to borrow money about 3 different times. $650.00 worth that he has yet to pay back and won’t. Well recently I found out he was bumming money off a couple of our other neighbors, way more than I lent him. I can’t believe they gave it to him. Anyhow, he hasn’t paid anybody back and I know he and his wife have money problems. Well, not only did I find record that he was been taken to small claims court 5 times in the last 3 years for borrowing money from the walk in for cash places, but owed probably around $10,000 and was court ordered to repay these places and his wages were being garnished when he was employed. However, during the same month as these small claims cases, he told me he quit his job, but now I think he lost his job and lied to me – once again. So he owes everybody money and obviously has no pride to be responsible for his debts. On top of this, I found a divorce decree on file a few months before he married his current wife, and I wasn’t aware that he had been married more than twice, but three times. Her name was Rita. I was never told about this! I knew he was married to his first wife, then his current wife, but didn’t know about the second wife. And God knows how many wives he has had!! I am shock, but a part of me is feeling pretty good, because I also saw that his house is in foreclosure and am hoping that he is forced to move soon!!! That would be a huge answer to prayers. Will keep you posted.
Miserable, what’s the website? This sounds like a website we could all use.
Miserable Love
His phone is still off and I give up. I have made my last call. I really thought I could make this work with his as friends, but I cannot. He has no friends. They have all deserted him because he is an asshole. He owes me so much money, I will never see it, I’m sure. I am so angry for believing him and all the things he said. The best being…BABE…I never lie!!!! I hate liars. Ummm,,,anyway! I realize this will be hard at work and I will do my best to avoid him. The only times I would see him would be when HE would come to my office to chat. Or during lunch. I have a plan for lunch, as I will leave a few minutes early and get in my car and leave. As far as him popping in to see me in my office. I will just simply tell him to leave me alone. I will guarantee he will. The other thing about him, is he hates when people are angry at him. This is why I’m afraid to piss him off. He cannot understand how hard I tried to be his friend. I just cannot do this. I still have deep feelings for him and when he says he still loves me or when he makes plans for us, I just think that everything will be ok. I feel like a broken record. I know this is best. I just dread the thought of all the sadness I am going to go through missing him. I keep reminding myself of the bad times and the times I stood in his kitchen looking out the window over the past year and thought “What the hell am I doing” I should have left long ago, but like most women I thought I could save him and make us both happy. I’m sure he was…but I sure wasnt. Now look at me! Depressed, can’t eat, would love a full nights sleep, obsessed with where he is and who he’s with. I hate it. Thanks for talking to me about this! I really need it!
somethingsomethingsomethingdarkside and all who are interested:
The website is National Center for State Courts, http://www.ncsconline.org, State links for public access to court records. You click on the list by state and look at the options of links available to look at records in your state. I actually wish I had searched this sight before letting myself get involved, even though I was so in love I think I would have excused it all away or made excuses for his behaviors. Wasn’t too happy to find out about another ex wife I didn’t know about! With all that we have experienced, I think we should look more into the men we are getting involved with. I hope this info helps others.
Devastated,
Try not to call him again. I am not sure if your calls will show up as missed calls, but you don’t want him to find your number like 3+ times or something. I swear I think we were seeing the same asshole!!! My ahole has no friends either because he is an asshole to everyone, of course he has his little harem around that puts up with him. I am sad you lent him money, but glad to know I am not the only one who lent our assclowns money that we will never see again! I too felt good and relieved when my EUM paid me more attn and tried to plan something for us that never materialized. If you have a plan of action, like it sounds like you do, then you are in control of the situation and you will feel better. It will be hard. But you are stronger than you think! I was in the same situation: depressed, not eating, not sleeping, sitting and crying all day, not working, etc. My girlfriend finally made me go to the doctor to get on some medication to help with the anxiety. I have never taken medication for that before and felt so ashamed and disappointed in myself. But, it has helped some. I was and sometimes still am consumed with where he is, who he is meeting, etc. I didn’t like what I had become, because that is not ME! Right now it is just going to be about you getting through each day and taking care of yourself! I was almost to the point of collapse. Please focus on you for the first few days, and you will feel stronger. and NC!!!!!!! Keep us posted.
Help! I have been having a really hard time the last couple days. We have been out doing a bunch of yard work, putting up our pool for the summer, etc, bringing in grass, flowers, etc. and I have caught the assclown “watching” me. He either watches me out the side of his eyes or even has been “looking” at me full on! Of course, I am not looking at him, I just see him out of my side view or act like I am turning my head to look at something else so he doesn’t see me “staring” at him. It just kills me. He is expressionless and I have no idea what he is thinking. I want to think he is missing me. Part of the problem is that I have to go out of my way to get into his view, as he doesn’t leave his chair in the garage, such as going to the edge of my yard, my mailbox, walk across the street to my neighbors house, etc. He never strains to look at me. I am having a hard time breaking the habit of “making myself out there”. I just wish I knew what he was thinking, but since he hasn’t contacted me in 4 months, I guess he probably isn’t even thinking about me. Part of me holds hope inside that he feels something when he sees me. I will never know. I have really stopped “making myself out there” as much, but have a hard time not peeking over the neighbors car to see if his legs are hanging out his garage to know if he is out there. Like I said he is a weirdo, he doesn’t work, and he sits in his garage 24/7 pretty much. If he is out, I tend to “do extra things to get him to notice me” like water the flowers, walk across the street, play with the kids, look at my grass, etc. It gives me comfort to see him sitting out there, but I feel pathetic. I am not getting any results from him, no contact, nothing, so I am tired of doing it and tired of being his eye candy, because that is all that I feel I am. He is probably getting his willies just watching me, knowing that he treated me like crap!!!!! I feel so weak! Part of me wants to stay completely out of his sight as much as possible, part of me wants him to see me and see how happy I am and how good things are going for me, but I feel he probably doesn’t really care. What should I do???? What would get “results” from him: staying out of his line of sight, not letting him see me, or see me happy and doing my own thing, as long as it doesn’t look obvious that I am trying to get him to notice me? Like I said before, I am afraid out of sight is out of mind for him, and that in sight should be in mind, but since he is a selfish asshole, I don’t think anything I am doing is helping improve the situation, and I am frustrated that when he sees me, he doesn’t miss me. Any suggestions?
Miserable Love–
Because you want this “man” to miss you, you must either (A) want him back, or (B) want some ego stroking.
But, from the tone and language, you sound like you want him back.
You do not need anti-anxiety medication. You need to speak to a counselor about (A) you and (B) your marriage and husband.
Yes, it would be nice to know that an ex misses you, if that truly were the case. And, yes, with these types of immature a**holes, out of sight does often mean out of mind: they want you back (or think they wany you back, or temporarily want you back) only after they see you (usually after not having seen you for a while).
But who cares about him, if you truly want to get on with your life? Consider him a mistake, and move on with your life. These jerks get under your skin b/c they are “unattainable”. That’s all it is. Junior high and high school b.s. (But we all never really do grow out of high school, do we?) He is Mr. Big Man on Campus on the block, even though he is an adult loser (socially, personally, and economically!!) only b/c (foolish) women like you on his block choose to think so.
Quit the Peyton Place “romance” and start your already-existing, very charmed, life over. Get a job. Join some clubs. Etc.
Life is too short to waste ANY of it thinking about an idiot like this.
And, if you were both suddenly single and could have each other as much as you want, you wouldn’t even want him!
Miserable Love,
I understand how you are feeling. I have to see the assclown at work and I try and see if he is looking at me also. I don’t know your whole story, but is there any way you can think about moving away? With him being so close and you having to see him all the time it must be so hard? I can’t imagine. He is probably thinkg…damn…wish I could still shag her? Isn’t that what they all think. I try every time I think about him to only remember the bad stuff and what he cannot offer me! All the hurt he has caused and the endless heart ache. I am sure you have some bad memories of him. Are you married? Sorry for being personnal but I don’t know you entire story.
Devastated:
Thank you for being so kind. My initial story is further up on this blog if you are interested. Yes, I am married, and very ashamed of myself. I have a wonderful husband and two wonderful children. I was never looking for anyone else. My husband and I have our issues, but who doesn’t. This assclown, as stated in previous blogs, and his family and my family have been friends for 6 years. We did things together as a family, I never even looked at him in a loving way. He and I threw his wife a surprise birthday party, then he left her a week later. During his separation from her, he outright walked up to me and said that he has had feelings for me for a long time. I didn’t believe him. He pursued me for 2 years, tried to corner me in my house (he lives two doors down), and I avoided him and asked him to leave me alone as I didn’t want to start something out of respect for my husband. This is a very long story. However, our families had a falling out and we didn’t speak for 2 years, not our fault. In July of last of year, he walked down to my house out of the blue and asked for forgiveness. He said he wanted us all to be friends again. He said he missed me like 10 times. He really turned up the heat. I again avoided it, and after many sleepless nights with my heart and mind fighting back and forth and because he was “so sure” and straightforward about he felt about me, I started worrying that we were meant to be. I decided life was too short to let a love like this go by without “checking into it”. It wasn’t about sex, which occurred less times in 7 months I can count on one hand, but for me it was about whether or not he was my soul mate, which I know now he wasn’t. Since he told me he loved me for 4 years, I really felt that he was sincere and I was very confused and deceived.
All I mostly have is bad memories. Read all my prior blogs here and under the topic Big Question and you will see. I love my husband, but we had some issues that weren’t getting resolved (no excuse), and this man met the needs of what I was missing in my marriage , albeit for a very short time, but by then I was absolutely in love with him. I am ashamed, but God has forgiven me and I have learned. That still doesn’t change how I feel about assclown. I love him! I gambled everything to be with this guy, even to the point of pretty much deciding to leave my wonderful husband if he had asked, which he never did ask. Not only I have lost him, I am left feeling deceived, because he didn’t have any regard for me, my husband, or my family, when he pursued me for 4 years, only to dump me. I am left with all the guilt and sadness. But I have learned a lot through this. My husband and I are working on our marriage. He does not know anything. Just like today, I was just putting out trash, and his other woman across the street had just got home from dropping off her kid at school for the afternoon, turned her car off, didn’t even go in her house, she ran right down to assclown’s house, as he is home alone all day. I just started crying again. My situation is pretty complicated and may be hard for some to understand, like USED for instance. And as I am sure you agree, we really don’t need “negative” feedback from people, constructive positive alternatives and advice is great, talk about kicking us while we are down, without reading all our posts and knowing all of what is going on. Man, that is just what I needed. So I appreciate your kindness and feedback.
Used,
I came to this website for constructive, positive, reality-based feedback on my situation and struggles. I am open to opinions whether I agree with them or not, as I appreciate different perspectives. Obviously I can’t post my ENTIRE issue here and had to summarize the highlights. Of course part of me wants him back, but I know that would not be healthy, and I guess what I need most of all right now is an “ego stroke”, so thanks for pointing that out. I do consider him a mistake and am moving on with my life, but am still struggling with some issues, as I openly shared in my post, and was wanting some feedback from people who have or currently are going through some of the same issues.
I wish you had read all my posts. I am not interested in my assclown because he is “unattainable”. He pursued me for 4 years. Things ended because he is asshole. That still doesn’t resolve understanding how a person can love you one day, then not the next. When a person cuts you off with no explanation, no remorse. You are left wondering what they are thinking when they see you, if seeing you will help resolve some of these issues, etc.
I didn’t start the Peyton Place romance, wasn’t looking for it. I am a middle-aged professional woman with a high profile job. I have a job, a life, and feelings. And I am not FOOLISH. I didn’t choose to think he was Mr. Wonderful. He didn’t start cavorting with another woman on our block until we were almost through. This is not a game of who can get asshole’s attention outside in the hood. I have made some foolish mistakes, but that doesn’t make me FOOLISH. I am having a really rough time right now, several of us are, that is why we came here for constructive, positive discussion, not to be kicked while we are down.
Miserable Love,
As you, I was also married at the time that my assclown began persuing me. I gave in, and unlike you, I asked my husband to leave. I cannot believe I threw my entire life away for such an asshole. My husband was a great man, but I guess something was missing in my life. The ass filled that void and then begged me to leave my husband as he says he met his soulmate..me. I did and 6 months later he broke up with me stating he didn’t want a gf. I feel so stupid and broken. I can not face myself most days for believeing in him. I too am a professional working women who supports herself and children. I am so lonely and even like today, when I had to see him at work, he looks me in the eye and tells me my eyes look so pretty and how good I look and makes his little winks at me. As I told you a few days ago, I was going to get inmy car for lunch, as we spent lunch together every day. Well, I did and he actually followed me to the park where I was headed so we could talk????? About what?? This is so hard. I really try and seem strong and like you said would never let him see me cry again! Stay strong…we can get through this! I am here for you as well as everyone else. And don’t let other tell you anything! We can support each other!! That’s what CHICKS do!!!!
Devastated,
I am so glad to hear your story, you are my angel!!! Oh My God, I am soooooo sorry this happened to you! My heart is broken for you. My heart goes out to you. I literally cried when I read your last blog!
You don’t know how many times I thought about leaving my husband for this assclown. I am so sorry that you did. Is a relationship with your husband salvageable?? I mean if you even want him back. I know that it may not be fixable, and not sure you want that relationship back. But sometimes we realize what we had when it is lost. I just feel horrible about what happened to you. At first, I really loathed assclown for pursuing me knowing I was married and he was married. I thought that was really selfish of him, because when he told me how he felt about me, I thought “God, what am I suppose to do with the knowledge of this now! I have to live with this the rest of my life, knowing he how feels, and knowing I can’t act on any feelings I might have.” For so long, I carried that around, avoiding him. He was so persistent and made me feel “wanted” again, the “flame” I had been missing for so long, was the strongest it had ever been with any man. I am so ashamed of myself. My husband is a great man, and he doesn’t deserve what I did to him. But, God knows where my heart was and what turmoil I was going through in my life and I know he understands. My assclown said he loved me before I was even aware of it, 4 years. I almost threw my life away too. I had some things missing in my life too. And I knew I was walking on unsolid ground. Was your assclown married too? I have two great kids and I have given all myself to everyone else for so long, I lost ME. So, when assclown came around, I told myself that I have a life too and it was time for my needs to be met! I am an idiot! The grass isn’t greener on the other side. They are HORRIBLE men for being so selfish and not caring how many lives they are destroying to “get their needs met.” What we thought was going to be FOREVER, wasn’t. And we are the ones left holding ourselves and our families together. What consequences do they have? He is the worse kind of asshole! He wrecked your marriage saying he wanted you, now he doesnt, now he wants to say how good you look? I would slap his face!!! What a terrible PIG! I know that you must have been in terrible turmoil to make the decision to leave your husband.. I totally understand. My assclown kept saying he was going to leave his wife, but said if he left her it needed to be for the “right” reasons, so we could have a real life together. He never asked me to leave my husband. Well, he never left his wife. I guess I was just a perfect idiot. I can’t believe he followed you to the park. He knows what he did to you, you have to tell him to leave you alone or threaten him with a restraining order, or you will never be able to get over this. What did he talk about at the park??? I wouldn’t “share” anything else with him again. If all you can do is muster a smile before shedding tears in private, then do it. Don’t give him the satisfaction. He broke up your marriage, and then crapped on you. I would never speak to him again!! That is the ultimate disrespect. I don’t know what to tell you to make you feel better. We are all entitled to mistakes, no one is perfect. I am strong in my faith and have lived “the straight and narrow” path all my life, always making good decisions, etc. I just let my guard down, and the devil himself slipped in. The hardest person to seek forgiveness from is yourself, trust me. Thanks for being there for me, I am here for you. I need all the support I can get right now.
Miserable Love–
So you know:
(A) I have read your whole story;
(B) in your May 26th post at 2:29 A.M., you sound as though you are not progressing…but rather mega-regressing…in any progress you are trying to make; and:
(C) I am not trying to kick you when you are down, but to jolt you into some reality, before you regress even more.
So you know about me: I am married. My marriage is good, but not not perfect. Guess what? Nobody’s is!! Marriage = work!! (And what is “perfect” anyways?) And I know a certain married someone who is also turning on the heat with me. He is someone very similar to your EUM. He is someone who wreaks havoc and creates all sorts of Shakespearean dramas and tragedies between and amongst women, sometimes women who know each other, live near each other (sometimes in the same neighborhood or building!), and/or have the same (very small, very cliquish, and very drama-seeking & gossipish) social circles, etc. For the first time in my life, I have strained friendships with a few women because of a guy. This guy, who is a jerk EUM who I only briefly dated! He is not even a normal, decent guy worth fighting for! (Not that any guy is…)
So, to get to my point: in this game of cat-and-mouse, the bigger the fish, the bigger the prize. And…the drama the cat (EUM) creates makes him feel ****important****.
Why I bring all of this up?
Most of the women who post on this blog write very well, are very intelligent and analytical, and have jobs, some involving high responsibility (from what they say); so give yourself some credit: what could be a bigger ego stroke for a jerk-EUM than a quality woman wanting/loving him, to the point where she can’t fully focus anymore on (or, worse, leaves) her great job, loving husband, and great family?
Our being married does not mean that we are dead or unattractive to the opposite sex anymore. Sometimes, being married makes some men (definitely mostly unethical men w/o morals and values, EUM and non-EUM, married or not) want you MORE.
Your guy IS a walking disaster, as someone previously put it. If this were a case where he was simply confused about his own life and marriage, he would have stayed separated from his wife and tried to move on with his life. But no! He continues in his ways and wants to have his cake and eat it, too!
Transfer the love you think you have for him to your husband. See, if it is there already, you have the love to give! So give it to the right person. Choose happiness. Choose the right person to receive your love, not this jerk!
It’s what I do with every s.o.b. who tries to make his way between me and my husband.
Make this your philosophy: “nobody gets in the way of the peace and life I have created for myself, that I chose to create for myself.”
Temptation is all around every one of us, all the time.
You want to make progress?
When you see him outside, go inside!
When you hear someone talking about him, avoid/stop/end/leave the conversation.
Etc.: NC in any and all ways!!!
If you had self-respect, you would not want to even look at the guy. I am insulted with my EUM”s attempts to flirt with me…b/c it IS an insult…to me…to all women!
Maybe he hangs out b/c he wants you to keep thinking about him. Maybe he feels badly about what he has done. Maybe his brain is in outer space when he looks your way. Who knows, You never will know what is in his head. Only he can control what he thinks. And he does a lousy job at that!
The fact that you and Devastated can’t hear what I have to say shows why these guys get away with what they do: we women DON’T like to hear the truth when it hits us in the face.
Miserable Love
I am having such a bad day today all I can do is cry. He was never married, he does have a chid that he never speaks of or sees…RED FLAG! He used to tell me that he would never fell complete until he was married and the hold my face and tell me he will marry me someday. We even planned on having a child together. I am so sad inside. I mourn for the loss of the future with him and the loss of the child we talked about so much but will never have. He is 10 years younger then me, but made me feel so wanted and loved when I was with him. My marriage is not going to be saved. We are very good friends, but he too has moved on. I know that Joe (ass) is not right for me. He makes very little money, is very immature, has nothing to show for himself at the age of 30. It hurts the most because I feel he used me for everything I was willing to give him and swore to me how much he never lied and would never lie and hated liars! I believed him. I know that he has someone else, but he will NEVER admit it to me, even though I begged him to tell me the truth, I think this will help me to hear it from him, but he won’t say it. That would take a man! You know, I actually thought about just ending my life over this asshole??? I do feel that I have good and bad days, mostly bad. Like today, he said all those things to me and his eyes light up and he slimes so much when he sees me its hard to beleiev that we are not together. Then when work is over he says I ll call you and then doesnt. If we did not work together this would be so much easier. I know it would. I wish it would all go out of my head and I could just have some inner peace! I miss my old self! I am such a happy person all the time. I feel so low and used and feel like the biggest piece of crap around for allowing this to happen to myself. When I could see it all along! I am so glad that we can talk about this to each other as I really dont think that unless you’ve been in this position you could understand. Thank you as your words have gotten me through the past few days! I am here for you as well. Tell me whatever you fell that you have to get off your chest!!
Devastated,
We are really going to have to keep in touch. This site has been absolutely a life saver to me, and mostly everyone has been so kind and helpful, but I can’t believe the bitterness and rudeness of some people. I was on another blog “Advice He Won’t Contact Me” sharing my feelings, and I got slamblasted by someone named Astelle. She actually said she hoped I would get caught!!! Caught from what? HAHA Some people cause drama just to make themselves feel superior.
Anyway, it sounds like I am about your age, my EUM was 54, 16 years older than me!!! Hello, I should have seen that poor sap wanted to “feel younger” by picking a younger woman. HA! That is a great way to put it, that we are mourning the loss. It is like a death really. I totally understand. I mourn the loss of what could have been, what I was led to believe he wanted. I am sorry that your ex husband has moved on. But I believe that everything happens for a reason and I know that only good things are coming out of our lessons learned. My 54 year old is a lazy ass, doesn’t work, has no money, no working car, is in debt, is not responsible. Why do I like this guy? : } He too made me feel so “happy and right” what little time we were together.
I have been crying today to. When I saw O.W. walking down to his house, my heart stopped beating. It is the last day of school, the kids will be home for the summer, why not go down there for a last minute afternoon quickie……I just can’t believe how similar we feel. He totally used me for everything, to whine to, to borrow money, someone to feel close to, someone to flirt with by text, and I believed every word of it! Ending your life is not an option! What did he say today? Did you have to talk to him? It is like you are his fun flirtation at work, but then outside of work, you don’t mean anything to him. I wish you could change positions, change buildings, or get a transfer, or just change jobs. We are both just trying to get US back right now after the deceit and lies. I too feel used and you are right, it is hard for a person, especially a young, young one, who is having problems with a boyfriend, to understand these issues. When you say you feel so low and used and like the biggest piece of crap around for allowing this to happen to us, I couldn’t have said it better myself. Thanks for being there for all of us, but for me specifically. I would not be where I am out.
I joke about him and other woman, but it really hurts me to see her running down there like a dog in heat. I know he likes the attention. This morning our kids were having an awards assembly at school, he was there and so was I. I ignored him. His stare bored a whole in my head. When I finally looked over at him, he blatantly stared for a long time, couldn’t tell if it was a mad look or if it was a sad puppy dog look. That encounter really bother me. I shouldn’t have looked at him at all. If he doesn’t care about me, why does he “stare” at me? Why take the time if he doesn’t care about me? It stayed with me all day,bothered my all day. Falling alseep I at computer, will right more tomorrow.
Miserable Love..
I just ran into Joe this morning at work and he actually had money to give me. The it started. The lies and telling me he wanted to comeover tonight to spend some time. I said no. Not cool. I feel so twisted. It sucks for you too, that you have to see him everyday. believe me, I underastand how that feels inside. You don’t want to see them, but then you do! I feel pathetic that I am willing to accept a crumb. This is not what I deserve! I deserve to be treated the way I treat people. I feel like he thinks he is doing me a favor by offering to spend some time with me. That feels really great?? I cannot believe that I am allowing this clown to rule my emotions the way he does. I just want to hate him so much for what he did to me and then there is the little part of me that doesn’t want to let go, because maybe he’ll change his mind. But, honestly, it’s too late for that. I just feel like I will be alone all my life now and that there is no one out there for me! I hate that thought!
I’m sure your assclown was thinking, while he was staring at you, that he could have you again if he wanted. Same as mine would think. That is where we need to be strong. We need to show them that they do no effect us. Like you said to me. Hold my head up and walk away. My email is stacilee24@msn.com. If you would like to chat more. I am here for you and I will listen to anything you have to say. We can get through this! We are better then them!
Miserable Love–
You really should not post on this site. Someone like you is teaching the jerks of this world how to be bigger jerks, how to play women (you) even after they have been fooled (and fooled big-time).
Clearly, based on what you write, and on the lack of respect for your husband, who is clueless as to all of this (so don’t make it sound right now as though he knows anything about this, to cover yourself, or make yourself look better, b/c of what Astelle wrote!), if your EUM were to come to your doorstep (after HIS NC as to YOU), begging for forgiveness, telling you he loves you, you would take him back…and in a heartbeat! THAT is what you really want: him to take you back. And you want hints from Devastated on how to do it…you don’t want to make the same mistakes she made via losing the EUM and your “safety net”/husband.
And you clearly also realize the jerk is a jerk.
This is about winning, for the most part.
Yes, I, like Astelle, hope your husband finds out about everything.
Hey, did any of you neighborhood women ever get to see the inside of HIS bedroom? I’d bet not! He put the horns on your respective husband’s heads…with your help, of course!
Frankly, I do hope your husband finds out, about everything, too!
Used,
OMG! After you slamblasted me on another blog for even getting involved with a married man and for being married myself, YOU ARE MARRIED TOO????? Man, I came to this sight and posted my ENTIRE story up front, good, bad, and ugly, not just dropping bits and pieces at a time, why not come out and tell everything at the first???
Your B} Yes, I have good and bad days, I am not regressing. I am getting stronger each day. Each day presents knew issues, which is why I come here for advice and SUPPORTIVE feedback, to get through these things. I just addressed your “hateful” comments on another blog!!!! I would love for YOU TO HELP ME, but I don’t need another JOLT. I don’t need your brash comments. I need a little kindness and support right now. If you want to point out my mistakes, that is fine, I already know them. I have never cheated on anyone in my life, after 15 years of marriage. This is not a “pattern” for me.
From reading your situation, it appears that you are being pursued by a man and you are married. It does sound like our EUM’s are very much the same type of guy. Did you date this guy while you were married or before you were married? That would be important for us to know. I know now that I wasn’t “the love of his life” and that he used me to make himself feel more important and better.
You are right when you say that just because we are married we don’t become unattractive to others. But, honestly, I was so focused on my family and my own life prior to this mess, I looked at myself like an “old lady with two kids” and felt very unappealing to anyone else. So when my assclown came to me and said he had fallen in love with me before I was aware of it and thought I was beautiful, that is exactly what I told him, I laughed and said “I am an old lady with two kids”. He thought I was crazy.
You are right! I love my husband, never stopped, and I want to give him what he deserves and am working on my marriage with him. I am dealing with this crap with my EUM as a “side” issue, because it had nothing to do with how I feel about my husband. I want things to work out with my husband because they do, not because I didn’t “get the person I really wanted” and “had to settle for my husband.” That is not it at all.
I DO HAVE SELF RESPECT! That is why I walked away from him and have tried to hold my head high. You are right, I will never know what is in his head. I guess I was just trying to make some sense of it all, so that I can get some closure. I was just wanting other people’s opinions and thoughts to help me. I will not speak for Devastated, but I have heard what you have to say. It is the WAY you say it. You need to understand is that THE TRUTH HAS ALREADY HIT US IN THE FACE, or we wouldn’t even be here looking for help and advice!! We are open to the truth, good or bad. If we wanted the TOUGH LOVE attitude, we would have gone to Dr. Phil’s website.
Just like you said “If you had self-respect, you would not want to even look at the guy”. That is pretty abrasive. Maybe if you reread your statements before you submit them, people would be more “open” to your comments. Just say, “he has been horrible to you, please don’t look at the guy, respect yourself enough not to give him the time or the satisfaction”. We came to this site because we feel bad enough as it is, we don’t need to feel that we can’t express ourselves and get “respect” in return from the other bloggers.
Maybe my story can help someone else, that is all I can hope for. You really have a lot of insight, as it sounds like you have “been there”. I hope that we can help each other. I think that a lot more people are married or are involved with a married man and just aren’t being upfront about it. If we all “got real”, we might be able to help each other more.
so after almost a year, i ran into my ex ass clown over the long w/e.. Haven’t seen him since last summer.. I was with friends out at a hot spot and he comes in with his friends, one who i’m still close with or introduced us.. I was ok, a little nervous but ok. He comes by me and grabs my nose, i give the head nod and continue…He then settles in and approaches my friends and I.. as he comes over and stands there, we all just look at each other.. silence for about 10 seconds.. funny actually. He has had brass ones and thinks his sht doesn’t stink… My friend, right out of the gate tells him that she is now living in Boston and I’m working in Boston. He always bs’d about moving to Boston b/c he is too good for RI, he thinks. He jumps right to her and does not even acknowledge what she said about me working in Boston, funny actually.. That convo ended and he then approached my friends w/o me. Hmm.. where do I start with his lies, pathological i might add, and bs upon bs.. He told them he was divorced and is not, my friend asked when he went to court and he said “he didn’t have to go to court”.. she said, “uh, everyone has to go to court”.. 1st lie.. 2nd lie was that he bought a place, but he still lives in the same rental he did 2 years ago when he left his wife, and oh, he got divorced last year and bought a place last year but could not provide any details to the anything about his bs except to keep changing the subject.. my friends said..”he is a loser, it’s embarassing”…
I’m embarassed too.. who lies like that? LOL
Miserable Love–
I met the (last, and worst) EUM that I knew before I was married. He was single, too. (Very much so, b/c he was constantly seeing women on the side, alleging he was “looking for a new job” while he was “so busy” with his then-job.) I would never date anyone who was married, and I had plenty of opportunities to do so when single! And almost just as many now! These guys who would cheat figure we marrieds are part of a “club of silence”–as your experience well shows.
Funny, the same people who called my last EUM an a**hole when they knew I had just started dating him hang out with him and his wife now, even though he had treated her worse than he had treated me, and they actually have the nerve to ignore me whenever he is around (not when he isn’t, though). I guess I am the mean, bitchy ex? (Probably b/c of the way I dumped him.) Or am I the ex who must be ignored b/c he may still like me? Who knows and who cares! It doesn’t make a difference what they think.
I actually think that most people out there are EU, or “walking wounded”. Some take out their own misery on everyone else. That is part of how the cycle keeps on going! That is also why the terms “emotional vampire” (or just vampires in general) and toxic people have become so well known.
Just stay away from this guy. If you can, go for long drives, stay at one place, get your work done, and go back home after he and/or his new woman are in view. It will be good for you.
Used
Why are you being so hurtful to Miserable? Yes she made a mistake, as did I. But isn’t that why we are here. I am not trying to get back with Joe? I am trying to learn how to handle the situation that I put myself in. I am trying to make myself a better person so that this doesn’t happen to me again. I am trying to heal ME. Yes, I made a bad choice and I owned up to it and now I must live with it. I am no where near perfect, never claimed to be. But I cannot pass judgement on someone else because we are all human. I live with what I did to my ex husband every day. Luckily, he has forgiven me and we are now friends. After reading this site, I have dicovered alot about myself and with the help of alot of people on here, I have finally started to not feel so terrible about myself. I don’t think that being so mean to someone who is already down is what this is all about. I can fully understand how Miserable feels everyday as we both must see them. We are all learning and there may be bumps in the road, but we should all try and support each other, not try and make the road harder.
Used,
I have tried to be as kind as possible to you, and before I posted the 3:00 p.m. post, your 2:39 p.m. post hadn’t even been added to the blog! I really feel sorry for you, and I actually tried to be nice to you. Actually YOU should really not post on this site. You stand for the “drama” that we are all trying to avoid. You are a bitter person. I don’t know how I have “taught” jerks anything! I walked away from my EUM when he was terrible to me and haven’t talked to him in 4 months.
I have total respect for my husband. This situation that I had with another man was unprovoked and had nothing to do with how I felt about my husband at all. If you had “read and understood” my blogs you would know that I love my husband that I have never said what I did was “right” or “acceptable” by any stretch. You have NO IDEA what I would do in any situation because you don’t know me and haven’t tried to be kind to me in any way. It takes a really sick, fececious person to bring another blogger into this and diss her at the same time. Devastated hasn’t done anything to you. I really feel sorry for you and your pain. Is this the type of person you were before EUM?
I was never trying to have an EUM and a husband. It wasn’t like that at all. You act like I was trying to have both, which was not the case. And if it makes you feel a little more superior to minimize other’s feelings and retaliate on people you don’t even know, so be it.
Just so you know. I have never seen the inside of my EUM’s bedroom, nor has he mine. Our relationship was not like that. Don’t respond to me or any more blogs I post in the future. You have made yourself look very pathetic, judgemental, rude, and fececious to many people already, I would be embarrassed and mortified at myself to talk to someone like you have me. Find someone else to pick on.
Used,
The times are not right on these blogs, my time is 2:33 p.m. I just refreshed my page and your 6:13 p.m. post just showed up. I understand everything you said. The tone was much nicer and kinder. Thank you for the advice. I plan on staying away from him. I understand what you mean by toxic people. I am sorry for your situation too.
Miserable Love–
No problem.
#1: Don’t let this guy get under your skin anymore, in any way. You have some power and control here: the power of choice. Choose not to think about him, and to cut off any thoughts you may start having over him.
#2: Any contact with him won’t do you any good, even if it was restricted to his saying, “I’m sorry.” You gain nothing from that “I’m sorry” b/c he already wreaked havoc on your life. “I’m sorry” is for kids, especially in this case! (Wouldn’t we all love to have a sincere “I’m sorry” from the biggest jerk of our past, who fooled us into thinking there was a relationship, but who only used us for whatever their own purposes were?)
40% of all married women on this earth have affairs. Whether the guy is married or not, EUM or not, an a**hole or not, the man usually is the one who comes out “on top”. Why? Mainly b/c society works that way, and men are less emotional than women. The woman gets blamed and labeled as being the “bad” one.
Hey, in this post and all of the other posts, I am not saying you are bad, or passing judgment. I am saying: (A) wake up; and (B) this guy is a jerk who you should just avoid from now on!
Review my posts again. I am direct, yes, but not bitter/pissy/mean/judgmental/etc.
You are lucky to have healthy kids and a husband with a job. I don’t have kids, and want at least 2. And I went through the hell of having a husband w/o a job for almost 2 years. I am someone who takes life VERY seriously, b/c the decisions you make are serious–each and every one!
And no one takes the woman’s side, honey. (Especially, sadly, women!)
Good luck.
I can certainly sympathize with Miserable regarding the Married EUM. Not for anything but we are all on here because we all have “unhealthy†relationship habits. Whether the EUM is married, gay, abusive, has another girlfriend, has told you in words or actions that he doesnt want to be with you and you continue to pine for him. whether he lies and cheats behind your back and you still claim that “its love†etc..etc… the point is still that we are in an “unhealthy†relationship. Why pass more judgement on the one who just so happened to “FALL†for someone who is married or living with someone else?? Why should this person suffer any less than all the other above scenarios? Yes you can tell me that “WELL… You should have known better†or “you shouldnt have started something like that†but the truth is….. dating a married man and being “The Other woman†is PART of being involved in unhealthy relationships, is part of “UNAVAILABILITY†and is part of having to help ourselves realize what put us there and made us love ourselves soo little to actually accept being “The other woman†in the first place. Ofcourse if we would have “known better†these women would NOT have put themselves in these types of relationships but then they wouldn’t be on this site now would they? And why should that woman have “known better†than the one who continues to stay with the Alchoholic, or the physically abusive man, or with the one that doesnt call you back but you continue to call and text and obsess over him anyway? I can clearly look at other people’s stories and say: Gosh why didnt she know better or why doesnt she just have the courage to end it and get out? And well the answer is,,, because We dont and if we did we wouldnt be searching for answers to begin with! Not for anything– but NML has been the other woman as well… (back in the day. Go back and read her posts on this) and look at her now… she helps so many women with this site because she understands first hand what its like to be involved with these types of men!!!
So, while yes there are moral opinions that we may all have, I think the focus needs to remain on the fact that this is site where we all come to get support and to learn how to get ourselves out, learn about relationships and what we can do to not see ourselves in those types of situations ever again. One experience doesn’t make it wrong or more right than the other… they all suck, they all cause pain but most of all… they are all telling of the fact that we ALL need help in breaking these patterns and in learning to value ourselves more so that we can attract and experience a “healthy†relationship not so much with other men… but with OURSELVES! I dont think any woman who has been the “other woman†(myself included) has ever sat here and felt PROUD or justified in being so… we all have gone through feeling remorse, guilt, heartbreak, pain and most of all judged for getting ourselves into the mess to begin with…… but we all arrive at this site through different paths and different experiences…and the important thing is that we realize that we should not have put ourselves there in the first place. Not just because of the moral issues involved (or that some may feel more than others) but because how sad is it for the “Other woman†to think so little of herself to actually think that this is love or think about how low her self esteem and her relationship habits are to allow herself to be second place to anyone? The same goes for every other scenario. The underlying issue remains the same….we dont love and value ourselves enough!! Lets empower these women and embrace the fact that they have the courage to tell their story, and the courage to come to this site to gain some knowledge and the skills and tools necessary to get out of such damaging types of relationships. Change occurrs by changing ourselves first and every reason and experience that brings us to this site is valid reason enough because we are looking to better ourselves. Whether married or not, he is still “UNAVAILABLE†which is what this site is all about and it just doesnt make it more wrong or right to be here under those circumstances than any other!
anoldblogger – I am glad that when you ran into your exEUM you saw him for what he truly is this time. In some ways there’s your restitution – he didn’t get to you and you saw through the pathological lies and realized who he is and was all along.
I think all these assclowns are pathological liars, I remember comfronting my exEUM on it and he said “yeah whatever”. I told him he was the most selfish person I had ever met and he said “yeah, well all my friends are selfish too”. How’s that for maturity? Well, anyway I know it probably still bothers you a little, and may even wonder what he thought when he saw you but who cares? You proved that you’re bigger than stooping to his antics, and could walk away with your head held high.
This also showed that these EUM’s give information on a “need to know” basis. Especially the crap about where he lived and the divorce thing. He made himself look stupid. Works for me and I’m sure it worked for you too!
Kudos!
Karen ~ I agree with you – let’s try to help empower ourselves and others. thanks for the post.
How can I stop have fellings for my ex EUM? I went NC with him and Im trying to not think much about him but I still fell like a craving for him.I know he is no good for me and that we cant be happy together,like logicaly I know all that but is like my fellings wont follow it.
Devastated,
Is he paying you back some of the money you lent him? Well if he will pay you back, let him. But don’t let him hold the money over your head to keep you around. I refused to beg my EUM for any of the money I lent him. I gave him three chances to pay it back and he didn’t. If he doesn’t have enough scruples to even lend back the money he borrowed from me, he doesn’t deserve the same air I breathe. I have a hard time saying “No” to people and when I love someone, I give them anything I can, including money. I never asked him for anything, and have never asked anyone for money. You deserve more than a crumb and if only people would treat us the way we tried to treat them, life would be kinder and much simpler. But that is not a luxury we have right now. I am so exhausted from defending myself to other bloggers, I need to focus on healing myself. I truly believe that when our assclowns “offer” to spend time with us, they are just trying to appease us for a time. that is it. I hope you didn’t let him come over, but I respect the “place” you are in right now and respect your decisions. You really just need to get to the “place” where you refuse to talk to him. He should be able to say what he needs to say in one setting, return things/money, etc. then you need to make the decision to not talk to him anymore. If he tries to contact you, tell him NO, NO as many times as it takes. If you lay out the situation for him and tell him what you NEED, and he can’t fulfill it, it needs to be over. You are in a terrible predicament in that you work with him. He will continue to bother you until you make it clear he can’t any longer.
On this site, we are all in “different stages” with our assclowns and that needs to be respected and not minimized for anyone. You are trying to do NC. And I will support you through it, setbacks and all, been there done that. There is no shame left to be had on this website, we are all fully engulfed in our shame and failures. Find out why he keeps “bothering” you. Demand that he say what he needs to say and be done. I understand that you feel like you will be alone the rest of your life, but you won’t, and you won’t be able to find anyone new until you release yourself from this situation and heal. You WILL find someone better and more deserving, but right now you can’t see through the smoke. I totally understand. The quicker you move on, the quicker you will find the “right” one. That is what we are here for, to help each other. And funny that you gave me your email, I was just thinking that I wish I could have your email to talk on a more personal level. I never worried about being attacked or scrutinized on this website, and as I have come to learn, that is what happened, and I can assure you, that is NOT AT ALL what I need right now. Hang in there!
Brad K.
Can you give a little more feedback?
What is the real issue Used spotted preventing me from finding a happier way of life? I guess I missed the “issue”, which is why I have been here in the first place. Maybe she can spot everyone else’s problems and save us the misery of days of postings so we can get on with our lives. I am sorry, I and others will disagree that there was plenty of “mean” coming out.
I don’t need Used to “go gently” with me, that is an insult. I don’t need to be “handled with care”, just given the common courtesy and respect that every other person has been given. Have you read my posts? What drama and gossip am I indulging in? I haven’t had any contact with EUM in 4 months. I don’t know what gossip I have heard. I have posed a few questions for other bloggers in hopes that someone else has been through the same issues and could provide their advice or experience.??? I don’t understand what I am indulging in????? Maybe you can be a little clearer.
How can your thoughts/problems that you are sharing with others and asking feedback on be “avoiding taking responsibility for my life”? I haven’t had any contact with him, it is not like I keep running back for more, then come crying back to the sight for help after “falling off the wagon”. Which shouldn’t matter anyway, because this site is for people in all stages of dealing with an EUM. ??? I asked for advice on how to break myself from trying to see him?? And yet, what I get in return is that my actions make me weak thus I am purposely avoiding taking responsibility for my life?? Everyone here has had a “make believe” relationship. Why are you all here then? Maybe instead of putting down other people to lift themselves up, they should stop judging and start giving sound advice and recommendations.
What dialogue and comparing stories I am using to hide from the truth? I already know the truth, that doesn’t change the fact that we are all still broken and trying to put our lives back together, facing obstacles along the way. If you can address my questions, maybe I can better understand what you are trying to say.
Used,
Thank you for your 8:22 blog. I really wish I knew how to not let this ahole keep getting under my skin. I really have felt powerless, he started it, he “managed” the course of the relationship, and he ended. (That is not to say I had no part in it, but he started it, I made the mistake of letting myself get involved) I want to know and learn how to choose to stop thinking of him or to keep myself from looking down to see if he is home.
The only reason I have hoped for contact from him at this point is for an apology, not to get back together. I know I could never trust him, and I want to have a life with my husband. My issue has mostly been that I didn’t have any closure. He said he loved me one day, then stopped talking to me and cut me off the next, with no explanation, no “kiss off”, no “I dont’ love you anymore”, no good bye, nothing. I was extremely devastated by that and left with many questions about myself, my judgement, him, how he feels, etc. I have been thinking that if he could at least “acknowledge I am still alive” I would be able to understand his actions and be able to move on. I lack the closure that I need to move on.
Believe me, my eyes are wide open, and I plan on avoiding him, as I have been. I am better for it every day. I know he is a jerk. I have to physically see him with Other Woman when his wife isn’t home. My mind knows this, my heart is still having trouble with it. That is why I am here.
I am very lucky to have a wonderful husband and family, and I am sorry your husband had job issues for 2 years. I know that choices we make are serious and affect not only ourselves, but those around us. Believe me, I know.
This website isn’t about taking sides, man vs. woman. It is about helping women overcome issues. I have never asked anyone to take sides. Just curious, are you blogging on this site because you are having EUM issues? If so, I am not sure what they are other than you dated an EUM prior to your current marriage. Sounds like your marriage is pretty good and you have avoided all EUM’s since. Or are you just on the site as a contributor, not with an “issue” like the rest of us, trying to steer us in the right direction, just curious.
Having taken most of the advice given on this website from the wonderful bloggers that have responded to my blogs, I want to be sure I am doing the right thing here. Since you all know my EUM lives 2 doors down, I can’t go to the mailbox or water my flowers without the chance of seeing him. I have, as previously stated, had difficulty not “looking toward his house” to see if he is out (I can look down there, but he can’t see me doing it with the way our houses are laid out). I am working on this and trying to keep myself from even seeing if he is or isn’t there. I also see him and his Other Woman going back and forth to each other’s homes on a regular basis, even when their spouses are home. As you can imagine, this has caused me much turmoil on top of the issues EUM and I had. Nevertheless, I am working on not letting this upset me. I cannot become a recluse because he is an ass.
Well the last few days up at the school and out in my yard, I have noticed ( and what I mean is that I never let him see me looking at him, I totally “ignore” him), but I can see out of the corner of my eye, I have noticed that he has really been “looking for me” outside and staring at me when I am outside. For instance, when we were together, we used to water our yards at the same time, so we could just see each other. Corny I know. Well, I avoid watering when he is watering so he doesn’t think I am trying to “relive” our time together. But when I am out, minding my own business, like today, riding my bike with my child because it is now officially summer and school is out, he sat there and constantly stared at me, almost like “waiting” for me to acknowledge him, which I didn’t. I saw him staring at me each and every time we rode by, or when a friend stopped by to talk to me, he literally got up out of his chair to see what I was doing, etc. I am ignoring him! I feel that this is the right thing to do considering how he did me, because I am holding my head high and carrying on with my life, doing normal things with my family, but his “staring” has escalated over the last few days and it disrupts me all day trying to analyze his behavior.
There again, I know I sound like a broken record, but if he is the one that broke it off, why is he staring? Has anyone ever experienced this before? It is like you want to choke them. If you don’t want me, then leave me completely alone. Why would he take time to stare and watch me if he doesn’t care? This is what I can’t get through my head.. I am so frustrated. The other woman he is seeing across the street from me is regularly out and visits him and he visits her, and he sits where he can see her easily to and I am sure he stares at her too. This is what keeps me upset on a daily basis. Does he hate me? Is he just looking at me for eye candy? Does he miss me? Does he loathe me? Is he just bored? Is he trying to continue disrupting my life because he is an asshole and it is fun? There are times I am not even looking at him, and I turn around to walk somewhere and he is staring. But no contact for 4 months. So, to me that means he doesn’t want me or want to contact me, he just doesn’t mind watching me. I may have just answered my own question, but I would appreciate anyone’s feedback. (And NO, I am not saying I want him back or that I am purposely trying to engulf myself in more drama), just want some feedback on how others have handled it or better yet someone whose EUM has discussed why they did this and what it meant. Thanks.
Surely someone has been in this situation and has even gotten back with the person who did this and talked to them to find out why they are giving their attention to you when they don’t “want” you. This may be a no brainer question, but if anyone has feedback on what their EUM said was their reason, I would appreciate knowing it.
To clarify, I wanted to make sure I am doing the right thing by ignoring him even though he is staring like he wants something out of me. Also is it best in situations such as mine where he was terrible to me and said he loved me one day, then cut me off cold turkey without as much as an explanation the next day to completely avoid him and him seeing me as much as possible or is it best to let or get him to see me as much as possible to show him that I have “moved on” and that my life is “just fine” without him, see me out, doing things, having a good time, laughing, etc. I wondered what the best course of action is to show him that I still have some dignity left even after he treated me so terribly. Since the breakup, having him see me “happy” and living my life without him has been my main focal point to preserve what dignity I had left, sort of like salvaging what is left of my self-esteem and holding my head high. Something I have been doing for me to make me feel better about myself, but with that comes his stares and shit, which also make me feel bad, so I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
Miserable
lord have mercy, I am trying to imagine myself in your shoes.
I know that I would get the hell out of the neighborhood as much as possible every day. Of curse this will not seem fair, it is your home and all. But life is not fair sometimes and you have the misfortune of having made a bad decision to get involved with someone who turned out to be an exceptionally troubled person.
I’d take my kids hiking, camping, biking. Maybe get them in camps or classes. The do a part time job, any job, volunteer would be fine. I’d join a health club, go to church even if I was not religious, anything just to get out of the house.
I’d visit friends. take the kids to see relatives ANYTHING to break the nutty addictive cycle of thinking, wondering, looking for closure that you cannot get, ( closure requires maturity and self awareness that he does not have) and giving a fig about the very unworthy guy who is NOT capable of being the love of anyone’s life.
He is a walking disaster, plain and simple. Whoever wrote that he is all dopey unattainable high school drama was correct, ugh. This drama resonates with all of us who have been involved with an EUM, there is a juvenile component in them, and it seems to often bring out juvenile behavior in us too.
The big thing here is that you are a mom and a wife. And the obcession and seeking closure from the ” has been”, AKA The Big Mistake, is not healthy. It is keeping you from being a truly emotionally involved mom and wife. Not to mention filling your own head and dreams with confusion and pain instead of clarity and peace.
If in your shoes, I for sure would be in counseling, I found counseling necessary in dealing with the abandonment of the EUM I know, and my story is way less complicated than yours.
Recovery is not be easy. I think that the hardest words you have been given here are correct; at present you are addicted to the drama. All of us here understand the drama at different levels, but the first thing you have to do is break the addiction to the drama.
When talking recovery from addiction and trauma, I have learned not to expect a quick fix. It took me weeks to break the addiction and I have the luxury of zero contact. Once the addiction was over, then reality and sadness and regret set it. It’s been a few months, it gets better slowly, but you have yet to really begin.
IN your case NC is not about physical contact. Looking at him, not looking at him, seeing if he is looking, wondering why he is looking… his ignoring you, your ignoring him….these are all odd sneaky versions of contact for you two.
Your situation is so difficult because he is right there. Eventually you will learn how to deal with him while seeing him, but I would be thinking of ways to break the addiction by removing yourself from the situation as much as possible.
These are painful things that you probably must go through. Today is as good a time to start as any. In my town, very few moms are home during the day, many have jobs, many are out and about doing things. In your situation I’d change your lifestyle to get away from that house as much as possible.
Truly, my words are not meant to be hurtful, though they may sound harsh. I wish you and your family good love, the fruits of the hard and necessary work you now must do, and good luck.
Miserable Love, I highly recommend that you read NML’s book,
“Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback girl” and try to read all her posts on this issue as well, it will answer a lot of questions for you.
There is no magic pill for your situation and there will be not one blogger with the magic answer for you.
Take the focus of of him and put it on you and your family.
What I can tell you from your posts: this man is not looking for the next wife, he is looking for some “fun” on the side – and if he can also get money from these women, he got everything he wanted.
Geez, he can’t even support himself (that is what the wife is doing), what do you want from him? Having an affair with him forever?
Why are you worried about the other woman? What will he do to her?
Same as he did to you and the next and the next and…
This man has a hidden agenda and guess what, it works for him!
You are avoiding taking responsibility for your life, your husband and your kids. You are so consumed with this loser and I promise you that your kids pick up on your mood and this will affect them.
I am sure your husband is picking up on your mood and is asking if anything is wrong.
The best course of action would be to be in NC with him, period.
He doesn’t hate you, why would he hate you? He doesn’t care enough to hate or love.
Him staring at you – don’t delude yourself – maybe he is worried that you know about the other woman and he is afraid that somebody will clue in his wife!! Maybe he is afraid you will walk up to him and confront him? He can’t have that, you causing a scene?
He feels somewhat “safe” because you are married too and he knows you would not jepordaize that!
Don’t be so defensive with people, you posted 5 times between 11 AM and 1PM, what do you expect? You can shoot me down – I promise you that my skin is thicker than yours and I want you to “hear” what people say to you and start thinking about it.
Because when people don’t agree with you doesn’t make them wrong.
Healing and moving on, you have to do that for yourself, nobody else can do that.
Why not tell yourself, O.K., this a@@hole played me, got some attention, some s@x and money from me and move on, be done!!
Waiting for him to apologize? He is a piece of sh@t and would never do that unless he wants something from you again – and you know what that would be.
aphrogirl,
Thanks for your feedback. Yes I did make a BAD decision for sure. And I do stay busy and am not home all day. I work full-time, am a business owner, and work primarily from home, but have two offices that I go, as well as testify in Courts, so thankfully I have my work outside of my home. My kids social schedules keep me busy, taking care of elderly parents, and church is an important part of my life, as well as I have played the flute for 28 years and enjoy that as well.
I have felt that assclown has just been withholding what I need for closure, and it really helps what you said that he doesn’t have the capability to provide closure. He is a walking disaster! That is the truth. HA! I am working on making myself better and healing, so that I can be what I need to be for my family. I have done a wonderful juggling act for sure, no fun. You are absolutely right, that is why I was so glad to find this website.
What do you mean when you say addicted to the drama? Do you mean because I am exposed to EUM on a daily basis and keep “seeing him”, I am keeping my feelings at the surface which is delaying the healing process?
So your advice is to remove myself from his presence as much as possible and forego “putting myself out there” so he can see how “happy” I am without him, etc. Because in doing that for the purpose of saving my dignity, I am still harming myself and it is preventing me from moving on.??
You weren’t harsh or hurtful, I appreciate it and your insight and your time.
Hi Miserable love, I have been reading this whole discussion for a while and I thought i´d just throw my 2 cents in if you don´t mind. A lot of comments have been about you still putting yourself in the drama.
You ask: What do you mean when you say addicted to the drama?
I think it means that you are still very focused on him and whatever there was between you two. You are not in physical contact with him, which is hard enough seeing your living situation so I applaud you for that! But in your head you are wondering why he is staring, what is he feeling, what is he thinking, asking why why why…
Very understandable and we have all been there, but there comes a point where you have to accept things how they are and try to let go. Try to stop your thoughts about why he is staring and start to ignore him in your head as well as physical. If you don´t you will still be in turmoil and in some kind of relationship with him. Only this time solely in your mind.
He stares because out of all that you have written I dare to conclude that he is emotionally not sound. He very likely doesn´t know why he does it himself. He sounds like a creap to be honest and if it really bugs you that a creap is staring at you from across the road then send the police on him. But see it for what it is.
Good luck!
Miserable Love,
Please feel free to email me so we can talk. I wish I had the strength to to the NC for 4 months like you. I think I did well with 2 DAYS! There is so much going on right now with Joe and myself my head is spinning. I beleive that the words that people are saying, may sound harsh, but I am beginning to learn that may be what we all need to hear. I know I do! These men are master manipulators. They know our weekness (them). And they will use it anyway they can. Him staring at you…he has to know that it bothers you. Joe calling or texting me…he knows it will get to me. Hot and cold! Everyone on here has a different story with different twists and turns, but we all have the common goal which is to heal OURSELVES, so that we do not repeat the same thing over ando over. Hang in there and I am here to support you and anyone else that needs help!
Astelle,
Thank you. I am actually half way through NML’s book and have recommended it to other bloggers as it is very insightful.
HAHA, you are right. He definitely has a gravy train right now, not working, his wife supports him, he is lazy, and seeing other women while she is at work. Actually, he led me to believe he wanted a life with me, not his wife, while all along I had told him that I was married. I know now that he used me for money and his other purposes. hindsight is 20/20.
I had no intention of having an affair with him forever. Things really never got off the ground for us. All along the “relationship” never progressed, but I was fully ready to make a decision one way or the other once I decided which way and direction my life was suppose to take. EUM had a job until last Sept, a good, high paying job. He told me he quit the job to start his own company, but now I think he was fired, as he is still not working. As far as OW is concerned, I am just really hurt that he picked up with someone else within the week after cutting me off. We had some issues about this woman while we were still together and I confronted him about her, and he said he didn’t like her in a romantic way. Since he was with her within the week, I have been hurt that he has no regard for my feelings. If he did, he would not cavort with her right in front of me and my house out in the open. It has been very painful to watch.
I have actually done a pretty great job of hiding my issues from my family. They have, at times, sensed something is wrong, but I have not neglected my husband or my family, I deal with my issues when I am alone.
I have not been defensive. I posted 2 times between those hours. I replied to 3 other posts. Free country. Why are you counting? I have HEARD and understood everything and am open to other people’s comments whether I agree or not. What I am not open to on a site that is supposed to be for positive discussion and no aggression to the author, is the people who are personally nasty and hateful towards other bloggers! If it was as easy as telling ourselves, “ok, it is over, I was used, that was unfortunate, will know next time” and be done, why isn’t this site empty?? You are still here too…
I understand that hoping for closure is a waste of time because it probably will never happen. And what you are saying is if he did come back around at this point, his motives would be in serious question, which I already know I would never be able to trust what he says again. I appreciate your insight. Thanks.
Devestated, you say “Him staring at you…he has to know that it bothers you. Joe calling or texting me…he knows it will get to me”.
I cannot read someones mind and maybe your EUMs are different from mine but I am not altogether sure that there is some master plan behind this odd behaviour of staring and texting.
I know for a fact that my EUM who used to oh so casually text me after he dumped me really didn´t think about how it might affect me. I thought he did and wondered what does he mean, why is he texting me. But it turned out is really was just casual texting. He just thought: oh, I feel a bit lonely tonight, lets text …. maybe she will go for it and will fill the hole inside me for a minute. He didn´t think “it might confuse or upset her” or “how can I time this right to manipulate her”. Or anything along that line. He simply doesn´t have it in him to empathize or imagine my feelings. So how could he manipulate me? I think I was just manipulating myself by looking for more than it was. Because I simply couldn´t believe someone really didn´t give a second thought to these text that upset me so much. But that was the truth in my case.
Betterwithouthim… I agree.. it was just embarassing and sad at the same time.. My friends reiterated that “he’s always lied like that” i guess i chose to ignore it.. I agree about being a pathological liar and actually believing what you say.. If he’s going to lie, don’t lie to my friends who know you’re lying.. in fact BE A MAN, DON’T LIE AT ALL, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS!!.
so better off.. i always thought his “new gf”would get what i was promised.. (typical trait of being in a relationship with a narcissist), but she can have it.. whatever that is.. some guy who can’t be truthful to anyone inlcuding himself..
kudos is right!!!!
Truthhurts,
Thanks for the comment. I know our EUM’s don’t have the capability to care about our feelings or anyone but themselves. So they may or may not know why they are staring or texting, but they aren’t worried about how we will “perceive” their staring or texting, thus we should just ignore it and not try to analyze the reasons behind it. You are right, I am having a hard time comprehending how someone can have such disregard for another person and continue to make attempts or keep someone hanging on and not consider their feelings.
Devestated, I found it very uncomprehesible too. If you yourself are basicaly social and upfront and especially when you have the tendency to see the good in people, it is difficult to accept that someone doesn´t have he same emotional capabilities. And even more difficult to accept that you have (literally and emotionally) been had by that person. All that is left is to pick up the pieces and make sure that we all be a little more aware in the future.
truthhurts
I agree with you 100%. You hit the nail on the head. They do not understand feelings or emotions…if they did we wouldn’t be here! My EUM just calls me and texts me and shows up at my house all the time. Even though I have asked him nicely and not so nicely not to. We also work together and I avoid him at all costs. It is so hard to not try and read into his actions. I don’t know how to do this. Any other relationship i’ve known about, just ends. This just won’t. I know it is part my fault for not taking more serious action to stop him, and that is what I have the issue with. How do I do this? I love him and the attention that he gives me. But I know it’s not right! I KNOW THIS! But I need to learn how to walk away. Reading all these ideas help so much and I do feel better each day. It’s just such a struggle. Any ideas?
thetruthhurts.. i just read your post below..
know for a fact that my EUM who used to oh so casually text me after he dumped me really didn´t think about how it might affect me. I thought he did and wondered what does he mean, why is he texting me. But it turned out is really was just casual texting. He just thought: oh, I feel a bit lonely tonight, lets text …. maybe she will go for it and will fill the hole inside me for a minute. He didn´t think “it might confuse or upset her†or “how can I time this right to manipulate herâ€. Or anything along that line. He simply doesn´t have it in him to empathize or imagine my feelings. So how could he manipulate me? I think I was just manipulating myself by looking for more than it was. Because I simply couldn´t believe someone really didn´t give a second thought to these text that upset me so much. But that was the truth in my case.
wow.. its like i’m looking int he mirror.. i went thru the same sht til i cut mine off at the knees.. no more bs, no more texts, no more nothing.. they are selfish and want to fulfill their own needs w/o thinking about how it might effect the other person.. i think it’s a matter of respect.. when someone tells you to leave them alone or you have hurt them and know they want you back.. DON’T FKING TEXT OR CALL!!!!.. I could have gone down the same path with my exhusband when i needed an ego massage.. ya know what though? I respect him too much to play that game and hope he respects me for not doing it..My ex husband is 10 times the man the assclown is that i left him for.. now who’s out in the cold? me… but boy do i have a warm thick lesson of life blanket with me..
good luck
Miserable:
I wanted to touch on a key point in one of your posts (if i may) You said: “I wondered what the best course of action is to show him that I still have some dignity left even after he treated me so terribly. Since the breakup, having him see me “happy†and living my life without him has been my main focal point to preserve what dignity I had left, sort of like salvaging what is left of my self-esteem and holding my head high.”
Like some others have said on this post, you are still attaching your self worth to this man. The best course of action is NC (as you have said you have been doing- which is great!!! Keep doing it) and yes to be happy and yes make the main focul point “living your life” but all of this needs to be done for YOU……not for him. Im not saying that you are “doing it for him” but you are doing it while looking over your shoulder to see what kind of reaction he has towards it and im sorry but that is still “doing it” for the wrong reasons. You will know you are doing it for YOU and not for any other reason when what this man thinks, says, does or doesnt do, absolutely no longer matters or crosses your mind. I know we all seek the magic potion/pill or time machine to launch us into this place sooner than later because it hurts so bad and we want out of the pain immediately!! But it can only be done by having patience with yourself and being determined EVERY single day to do something different and something that is going to HELP you get there. I know you are trying your darnest… but continuing to even allow one thought of this man to occupy your mind– is still giving him permission to be in your life and allowing him some power over you so work on diminishing the amount of thought and energy you are expending on this. Riding your bike even in the direction of his house is futile to your goal of getting over him! Ride the other way…or get in your car with the bike and go to the park instead? Unfortunately break ups hurt and they suck (no matter how dysfunctional they are) but YOU have to be the one to put in place and do whatever it takes to help yourself out of this. I will have to say that this course of action that you mention above is not helping towards this. Listen, I went through my break up with my EUM 6months ago and I work with him every day. And let me tell you– once you have truly decided that you really want to get over this person and no longer think about them, and you are determined to do what it takes… you will do it. What does this mean? Well for starters, it is possible to maintain NC and to remove yourself from situations that will keep you vulnerable and keep you stuck in continuing to seek validation from this person. For me, it was parking on the other side of the building to avoid seeing him, it was taking lunch at a later time so that I wouldnt encounter him, it was staying later at work if i had to if that meant not having to run into him in the hallway at 5pm when every one was leaving work. What is an inconvenience? Yes. Did it hurt? LIKE HELL! Did it suck? It sure did… but none of that mattered if it meant getting over someone who lied to me, broke my heart and is walking around with someone else already like if i had never even existed the past two years. It didnt matter if it meant giving myself back to myself and the self esteem that I had before I met him. This is what everyone on here is trying to tell you but (and I know its hard) you dont seem ready to do. You do not have to walk outside so he can see how happy you are or for you to feel that you have walked away with your dignity. In fact, you dont have to “SHOW” him anything! That comes from within yourself and its called self esteem and confidence when you dont need anyone else’s opinion or approval for you to feel these things. In fact, you will feel more empowered when you can say to yourself: I got closure without “needing” HIM to give it to me or realize that I am now happy”– give yourself a big pat on the back when you get there because that is PROGRESS! Continuing to ask the question of what makes these men tick and why he looks your way like he missed you is extremely self defeating and keeps you stuck. I would say read as much as you can the posts that NML has on “Seeking Validation”. And I know you may not understand what this really means and I mean what it truly means–because like most of us on here…. we have never really fully just relied on ourselves or loved ourselves enough for OUR opinion of ourselves to be all that matters. Which is why the first thing you have to work on is your self esteem……and that requires no one else’s participation (except a therapist or someone to help you) and MOST Definetely it does not require your X and one that is so toxic and such an A**clown like you have mentioned! In fact, think about that for one minute… he actually has contributed to your pain and to your lack of self esteem— how is “I want him to see me and know that I am happy” make sense? Do you think he is thinking this or even cares? Trust me, he plays no part in this equation and you have to come to terms with that. Asking all those questions you asked on the above post as to “does he just see me as eye candy” ” why does he stare at me if he doesnt want me”? “Surely someone has gone back to their EUM to have asked these questions”. That should say it all to you……. because these men are toxic and they are manipulators and they need ego stroking and even when they are the one’s that do the rejecting……. they still want to know that you are there because they are SELFISH! This has nothing to do with any FEELINGS towards you……and everything to do with feelings for themselves. Its because deep down these men cant deal with rejection either! Thats not to say that he shouldnt miss you and want you………why not? You are wonderful (im sure) but this is the stance that you should be taking every time you say you “FEEL” him looking your way. Why question the “WHY”…..you know why…… (that is if you really believe in yourself) because you are all the things that you say you are………he just didnt know how to appreciate it…….so let him go… his loss!!!! And every time you open that mailbox…. dont think to yourself “oh my god i feel him staring…why is he doing that,,, why??” Instead, say to yourself: “Yeah you sorry excuse for a man…. keep looking all you want because this woman has left the building and is never looking back! So look all you want but you cant have……because I deseve better than your sorry ass!!!” In fact, Ill check my mailbox later when I know you’re not around because you dont even deserve to glance my way or be in my presence! And then walk away with your head held high because YOU JUST VALIDATED yourself!! Doesnt that feel more empowering than waiting for him to do it for you??
I know one thing that helped me is to see this as an addiction…he is your addiction right now. You are so emotionally invested in him (still) that that is why it is so hard NOT to wonder why he is looking at you, what he thinks of you etc…. you are still trying to understand the “why’s”. But let me ask you this, put this in a different context such as the person who is addicted to alchohol or drugs… the person continues to go to bars, parties that have alcohol etc…all the while asking themselves… I just want to be able to not crave alcohol like i do. Every time I see a bottle I just want to grab it and drink away. What can i do…why does the bottle make me feel this way? Why does alchohol have so much control and power over me? What would be the first piece of advice that you would give this person? STOP GOING TO the bars…..STOP going to the parties … STOP putting yourself in situations that make you vulnerable and more susceptible to being stuck in the addiction and by all means… STOP thinking about the alcohol and start thinking about YOU!!!. Find a support system and START working on getting better. This part YOU DO have control over! The bars arent going to move, and people arent going to stop having parties…and alcohol bottles arent going to go away…so what are you left with? YOU!!!!! You are the one that has to muster up all the strenght and will power to REMOVE yourself from these situations (in your case– your xEUM) or in other words… “your addiction” (and yes obsessively asking why and trying to analyze him is still remaining stuck and addicted). And do Whatever it takes to do that! You are already coming to this site (that is great), you are already AWARE that you have an “issue” you need to deal with (Great! Awareness is key) you are already doing NC (but you need to adjust that because like someone else said…. you are still having contact if you are seeking out ways for him to see you) Now just put in place the PLAN to get yourself to that level, that place you say you want to be which is free of wanting/thinking about this man. And if that means, going out the back door so that you dont have to see him in front of his house… or if that means, watering your plants at night vs during the day so that you dont have to see him…than so be it. The question really comes down to HOW badly do you really want this? Because believe me, when you really want what you say you want.. you will do whatever it takes to get there! Now please dont take this as me implying that you dont have the desire……im sure you do…. but when you or anyone else asks what is the Secret formula or pill to get there…the truth is there isnt. It takes work. Work that yes– involves pain, involves heartache and involves lots of crying (perhaps) and grieving…..because you have to do this on your own and you have to be willing to let go of someone that yes you loved, or cared for and that always involves pain. You have to not be afraid of that pain or breaking down (and i know this sounds so cliche) but you have to actually accept and embrace that pain so that it gets worked through instead of avoiding it or trying to put band aids on it… that only prolongs it! In your case, it may be the pain of feeling rejected and having been “discarded” in such a manner. It is surely a huge blow to our ego especially if we walked around most of the time thinking that we were just so DANDY until this person came along who acted like we werent (I know I did). Perhaps this experience is showing you that you do have some more work to do on your self beliefs and self esteem — perhaps to make them stronger? So that the next time someone rejects you… you will just be able to brush your shoulder off and move on a little easier? Or perhaps so you have better self esteem so that you are no longer attracted to these type of men altogether? I dont know what this experience will mean for you but I know now what it has taught me. So what i am trying to say is there is a way— but that way does involve a lot of soul searching, a lot of self reliance and a lot of self reflecting and I will say this again… none of this requires any one else but “YOU”. I think NML has done a great job at providing us with the “TOOLS” necessary to get there… but in NONE of her posts does she ever say…. this does not involve pain and heartache or no work on your part will be required. This is the step that many of us arent willing to make because we are deathly afraid of ourselves and what we are going to find. Will we find out that we really are alone? Will this bring up abondonement issues? Will I realize that I fell in love with who I “thought” this person was rather than who he “really” is? Will I realize that it is “ME” who has been putting myself in these bad relationships all the while thinking it was “their” fault?? And if all of this is true…..what does that say or mean about “ME”? Give yourself back the power that you allowed this person to take from you. This doesnt mean that these types of men are right or justified in their behaviour, this doesnt mean that you blame yourself and run to be his best friend. This means you realize what role you play in this whole messed up scenario and you DO something about it so that you #1.. take yourself out. and #2… you work on it so that you dont ever have to see yourself there again.
You say you are a person that likes to be in control… what is having more control than not looking to someone else to validate you? You are giving it away every time you say: But why did he not want me? Listen, rejection is hard and believe me, it is still hard for me so if you are looking for a gage to where you will be 6months down the road…. well… a hell of a lot better (because i worked on it) but still working on it day by day! I consider myself a very attractive, intelligent woman and like you, the woman who my Xeum is with now is not even half of what i am or what i can offer someone but I realized that that is part of “HIS” problem and that although he rejected me all those feelings of unworthiness and doubting who i am etc…. had to do with me because I had not yet convinced myself that i was wonderful…and so anytime anyone else thought that i wasnt…(especially someone that i loved) i felt my heart beating so fast, and the world around me crumbling. That had to do with me…and it has to do with you…not him. That is probably one of the hardest concepts to understand but it is the truth.
So I’m writing this also because you asked for feedback from others who are perhaps a little further along and because you asked: “This may be a no brainer question, but if anyone has feedback on what their EUM said was their reason, I would appreciate knowing it.”
And I wanted to tell you that my posts from a few months back are completely different than they are now and it had nothing to do with
understanding him better or psycho-analyzing him…..the answers are in understanding YOURSELF better and realizing that you are still seeking validation outside of yourself. The EUM’s have their own path to follow one that neither of us should be concerned with or waste so much of our time wondering about. The question shouldnt be: Will he ever change or will he ever learn or know any better?? The question should be: Will YOU Change and will you KNOW better next time? And what are you doing to make sure of this and are you really determined and willing to get there? Trust me, you have a better chance of changing than he does! And since I see my EUM every day at work…. I can tell you that his reasons (whatever the heck they are) are still not good enough because no reason is ever good enough to justify their behaviour so what does it matter? And trust me, all they would be doing is “justifying” their behaviour and just telling you what you want to hear as a “REASON” for you to just stop asking and leave it alone already. (that was not meant in a bad tone towards you by the way…. just more so of the type of perception these men have towards us)
Keep up the good work and keep trudging forward…its hardwork but you just need to adjust your thoughts and your habits a little so that you can go in a different direction. I know its been working for me
(thank god! oh….. and to NML! 😉 so I hope that this helps a little for you and I truly wish you much courage and strength. You can do it! 😉
andoblogger
I feel the same way as you. I have said to Joe…please just leave me alone. Let me be. As soon as I start ignoring him or not looking in his direction at work, he gets 10 times worse. He’ll write me notes and leave them on my desk. He’ll call and call and call. He’ll even just show up at my home. If he didn’t want to be with me then why bother and put all this energy into it? I know I need to be somewhat civil because of the work thing, but that’s it. My husband was also 100 times the man that this idiot is or ever will be. I think that part of my issue is how stupid I fell for throwing that all away for nothing. As I have said before. If only I had listened to my gut instead of my heart?! I am way to good for this idiot and I know this. The funny thing is, if I would decide to try again with him, I know it would only be a matter of time before I would hate it again! why my head can’t grasp this…I’ll never know.
devastated.. i too feel foolish still to this day, now and then… My ex husband has moved on, found a nice girl, bought a house etc.. and I’m basically alone b/c of a stupid choice that my husband knew was the wrong one but never judged me for it or thru it in my face.. I won’t lie my husband and I had issues.. we were a great team when we both showed up for the game.. we were both so independent we blinked and realized we were just sharing a house, having sx and sleeping next to each other.. i regret it.. but i can’t change it, just learn by it and i have.. The grass is never greener.. If Joe respects you he will leave you alone, if he doesn’t you have to take steps to make sure he does.. It’s not about if he’s still there, who is one upping who, it’s about moving on and healing.. And that question about him not wanting to be with you but putting in all that energy? why don’t you ask him that? in fact don’t bother.. don’t blame his actions on you not moving on.. start to take control of your own life.. I did, and I am a year out..
Miserable Love–
Yep, it’s all within you to change things. Forget about him.
Though I do think this guys is wayyyyy screwed up in the head: emotionally, psychologically, analytically, etc. Hence his not putting his all into finding a new job and thus starting to move forward in his life. Hence his regressing and acting like a teenager! He has major issues he must deal with! (including, probably, depression and/or depressive tendencies…)
Obviously, you will never tell the wife about his past, latest, and future affairs.
But I personally would like it if she were to find out, from another source. But you can never be involved in that. Even when you are fully healed, which will happen someday, I guarantee you.
…That is, unless you know for sure that: (A) you won’t get caught being a part of her finding out; and (B) you have completely let go; in other words, anything that ties you to him (including remote actions of yours) won’t bother you or keep you tied to him emotionally.
🙂
Karen,
I have re-read your post several times and appreciate so much you taking the time and energy to give me advice and support during this horrible time for me.
I was so devastated and you are right, my self-esteem was demolished by this assclown. I have always been a pretty confident outspoken woman with average self-esteem. He completely destroyed it. I am very bitter about all he has “taken” from me personally and in regards to my marriage and and that I have to live with my choices the rest of my life. Regretful choices.
I totally realize that “I am still in this” by looking to see if he is out or if he is watching me while I am out. I get that. Honestly, it may not be as much as an addiction as it is a habit. (Same thing, I guess). I have acted the same way outside for the last 4 years, habit of looking for him, “letting him know I am out there”, etc. I really do want my own life back. I am still tying my happiness to whether he still looks at me outside when I am out. It is pathetic. I know that I need to refrain from looking, that is the first step. If I could get to where I intentionally avoid being out where he can see me (if possible), doing something to get his attention, etc. and start becoming good at that, I think I will slowly be able to stop caring what he thinks.
When you said thinking about what he is thinking keeps me “stuck”, that is exactly the word I used today in fact, that I feel Stuck, like I can’t get past this next step. I know that keeping tabs on him and his new love interest isn’t helping anything for sure.
Everything you said about the mailbox (HAHA) is exactly what I was thinking. You are great! I have days where I think HAHA ass look what you lost, but there are days where I feel him boring a hole in my body and it makes me uncomfortable. I should water and get mail, etc when he is not out. And maybe after awhile, I will be able to do all those things whether he is out or not and not care if he is looking. You hit my problem right on the head: I love this man, and he discarded me like a piece of litter on the side of the road. No warning, no care or respect for me or my feelings, my life, my needs, etc. I am not used to dealing with men like that. Before I married, I didn’t put up with that crap. It is not that I thought I was DANDY. You know my story, and that we were already friends and that he was separated from his wife when he first approached me, but the day he first approached me we were at the local skating rink with our daughters as they were at a birthday party. He boldly walked right up to me and said, “I just want you to know that I have had feelings for you for a long time and really think you are great, beautiful, etc.” The first thing I said to him while laughing because I thought he was kidding was “I am an older woman with two kids”, meaning in my mind (and I guess I have always had lower self-esteem) I wasn’t “all that”. Well he then built me up like I was “all that”. Then I fell in love with him. Then he discarded my ass for the 60 pound, alcoholic, woman across the street who is married, and completely unattractrive. I am 100 times more woman, more attractive, highly educated, employed, than she is. She doesn’t work, is uneducated, drinks all day. I think he discarded me when he realized I was “on to him” and his ways and that me being independent and all, I wasn’t going to put up with his treatment. He outright told me one time he wanted to “wear the pants and I think I have them”. My response to him was “you aren’t wearing the pants, we will share the pants”. He didn’t like that. Luckily I am further along in my self exploration than it appears. I have cried, pondered, done a lot of searching/thinking, and I have a long way to go for sure. I was completely deceived by this man and I fell for it. He “acted” like a different man in the beginning and quickly turned once he “had me reeled in”. Thank you for wishing me courage and strength. Thanks for the support, I really needed it. I understand and agree with everything you said. You have a lot of wisdom. I am sorry for your situation. You have taken all the steps necessary to remove yourself away from your assclown. I need to stop putting myself out there. After 4 months, I doubt he is going to have an “ah ha” moment and realize that he loves me, and I know I should be thanking God that I don’t have to deal with his sorry ass anymore. I just kept thinking that if he saw me he would miss me and want me. At this point, I would take an apology, but like you said, that will most likely never come, I have to move on from within. I think all the people here on this site will be very helpful in getting me over the hump of this part of the healing process. Please keep checking back on this blog, you have been BIG help. Thank you!
anoldblogger and truthhurt,
Thanks for you info too. I think the staring thing can fall in line with what you were talking about, if they discard us the should leave us the hell alone in EVERY way, don’t talk, don’t look, don’t text, don’t stare, don’t wink, don’t call, don’t show up, etc. Assholes! : }
Miserable
Since you asked, I’ll attempt to define addiction to drama, based on my experiences with the one EUM I encountered in my life, an experience I am still processing. Many of us here have struggled with the denial and confusion that comes from involvement with these people. In my example I am using the man as the antagonist, but I am sure some women are capable of this story also.
You are addicted to the drama and are seeking an end to the story in a way that makes sense to you. The drama is called drama because it is like a play or a movie; it is fantasy and not reality. The problem with an EUM is that the reality totally sucks. Some people, the guy in your neighborhood for example, are way more troubled than a typical EUM as defined on this website. I guess that means the reality in your case sucks even more and it will suck just as bad for the next person he goes after. You have been used, tricked, fooled and discarded. Your internal intelligence and your warning systems did not serve you, and even worse it was something that makes you feel that the confusion and trickery is some kind of amazing love. Here is the way I see many of these EUM scripts go;
Girl meets EUM / AC / or in your case something worse. Anyway, said guy enjoys and maybe needs the drama of the game of lure / catch /reel in / play with/ release with women and he uses effective techniques that trigger primal attatchment/ abandonment feelings in the women. The push pull brings up the physiological components of abandonment, hence the drama and the basis of the ensuing addiction. I beleive this stressful physiological reaction to abandonment also masquereades for the “feelings” of love that we profess to have in these kind of relationships.
The techniques the guy uses are…Pull in hard and close, create safety and comfort and some kind of intimacy…then push away and create abandonment and fear. The natural reaction of the woman is to then try hard to get back to comfort and stability, and this actually creates more drama. This also helps create the fantasy that he is the one …you have never felt these intense feelings brought on by abandonment before, so it must be a really really special love. NOT !
If you stop reading right now and take away one thing from my comment here it is : pay attention to these feelings and behavior if you ever encounter them again. This stage is the stage where you are getting hooked, and it is the stage the experienced wiser women exits stage left running hard and laughing in releif.
Do the guys know they do it ? I think some do and some don’t. Do they enjoy the drama? I think some do and some are not even aware of what they are doing and are perplexed by it all. Do they know healthy ways to love or relate ? I don’t think so, and certainly not in the case of your neighborhood mess.
you wrote this..on trying to understand my advice to your addiction..
“So your advice is to remove myself from his presence as much as possible and forego “putting myself out there†so he can see how “happy†I am without him, etc. ”
That is not what I meant at all, I just meant it helps to get away to get some release and clarity from the addiction of wanting him to validate or explain your importance to him. That won’t happen with him, he has no integrity or ability to care about you. It never was about you anyway, it always was about him and his messed up needs. You were important to him as a part in his play, and maybe the control he got from knowing he had you was important to him. The thing that stands out with what you wrote above is that you are thinking about what he thinks, and that you care that he can see how happy you are etcetc…
While eventually him seeing you happy without him may be a part of your peace, what you wrote says you are still working for the man, under his control, thinking about him. That is what he wants, for you to be under his control, thinking about him. Maybe just cause he gets off on knowing you care. Not because he cares in the least about your welfare or happiness or a relationship with you. Since you are self employed, look at your life this way….it is better to be working for you, not the man. In this case, to get over this, you have to stop working for him and start working for you.
If you run your own business, if you were disciplined enought to learn an instrument, and have held yourself together though all this mess, you are a woman used to calling the shots. And you will not be able to call the shots with this guy. Your strength is likely one reason he went after you. This unemployed guy sitting around needs to feel some control to feel important, and how empowering for him to get control of a woman who is capable and strong in many areas.I supsect these guys get off on choosing women who seem to have it together, this makes them feel even bigger when they cut the line and let a big fish go – it is more satisfying to catch and discard a challenging prey.
Yet he knows of a weakness that exists in many women involving romantic fantasy that I guess we are all capable of indulging in. Time for you to face that weakness, and the solution is all about facing reality. He is a really awful man, you have a husband who hopefully loves you, and hopefully you love him, you have kids who need a fully present mom. You have work to do to get back to loving you, and the life you have created with your husband and your kids. There is no room for this bad guy in there at all.
Of course, you know you should not care why he is with another woman and you should even be glad he is gone. But we do care, because our egos have been bruised along with all the other emotional drama and trauma we have experienced. Our minds cannot fathom what is going on, nor register the physiological reactions, and we try to logically explain away the awfulness of being used, and letting ourselves be used, by claiming to have found this unusual love or person. Why else would we possibly behave so ilogically ? We also defne our illogical beleifs by making the man be special. But this is more illogical fantasy. Yes, they are special, but in the most negative way; they are especially awful.
Look at the cold hard facts here. If we saw a movie about your neighborhood, I bet this is not a man you would choose to get involved with, no matter how initially charming or good looking or wealthy or whatever special things he might say. The emotionally controlling behavior he is so good at must work on many women, hence the next neighborhood victim, with whom he will create
“desire”, and then reinforce his control when he pulls away.
But it’s all a twisted fantasy. A few posts back Used asked you ..what is the ultimate fantasy here ? …that he will come over tomorrow and explain all the horrible treatment away ? that he will then leave his wife ? you will leave your husband ? and you two will have a perfect relationship ? Where do the kids come in ? Is he really a person you want your kdis to know as a stepfather? You seem to be an educated women… Does this fantasy truly make any sense to you ? Does it even seem possible at all ?
It is very hard to recover from being discarded. He may still want you on some weird level that satisfies his messed up needs. That is irrelevant because that is not what you are seeking in a partner or even a friend. All you get is more drama, that keeps you in a bad play, and stays from you trying to understand how he could treat you this way, and from having a hard time accepting the fact that a messed up guy does not care about you in any real way. You should have outrage that he used you so heartlessly, you may be angry with yourself for letting it happen. That is OK, that is reality.
But, we create drama , ie…a story, a fantasy, a movie version of your own lives….by denying the cold hard facts. To me your story sounds almost unbelievable. I would define a very clear code of contact with this man and the only fantasy I would work hard to maintain about him is one in which his wife gets transferred to another planet and takes him far far away.
Here is one more area of reality I think you need to face. When the EUM I know turned on me, I knew I was in a sorry and shellshocked state, and I apologized to my daughter, for not being able to be there for her as a Mom while I dealt with it. Luckily she is mature, almost on her own, her life was good at the time and she did not need me for much.
But your attempt at dealing with this kind of rejection, as well as the complication that he is an unemployed neighbor, always around and looking for something to do, and the fact that you are married, is stealing away your focus on you, and your focus on your true and real self and very real responsibilites.
At present those responsibilites are to return to working to be a good stable person, a good mother and a good wife. I have to commend you for holding it together, but you have to get out of the very effective ” control patterns” that the guy has set up to try to keep you playing a part in his very unhealthy drama.
Once you stop buying into his control patterns, you will start to get rid of the addictive undue attention you are giving him and like the oft repeated advice here..put the focus back on you. Until you are really out of the addiction of thiking and caring about what he’s thinking about.. , ie thinking about him, you might not really grasp the concepts. Seeing him seems to keep that addiction going for you. If you can’t get away, I’d be coming up with an arsenal of creative behavioral mod techniques to get him out of my head.
These guys are a something of a mindf**ck, but yours much more than others. You need to approach your recovery with every bit of clarity and help you can get. Read NML’s book, read the posts here, read up on recovery from being involved with a narcissist. But there is no escaping the reality that you really have a hard bunch of work ahead of you. You have encountered something truly awful, as many of us here have. You have beleived it was something else than what it really was. You let it happen, as we all did, and only you can direct your recovery by facing the facts.
If I were you I would start writing s new story in your head right now based on the cold hard facts. Write it until it is absolutly honest, just the facts. The write a two sentence version of that story. Memorize that.Tell yourself the short version every single time the AC comes into your thoughts in any way.You are defining reality as truly is, as it has to be.
Later, after you are over the addiction, and it took me two full months, you can start to ponder all the other things that will come up about all this. There are plenty, it’s a journey. Hope I have made it one that appears worthy of the effort.
No need to thank any of us for our time spent writing, it helps us in our own recovery to firm up ideas and share. Good luck.
Miserable Love–
O.K., now I know how you are thinking. I think that I also know what you want, at least what you want for now. And what you are thinking and what you want (or think you want): are NOT good things; will delay your healing (but I don’t think you want to be healed, at least not now–you are, in fact, second-guessing whether you want to be healed); and may destroy your family.
Sorry to blow your cover, but here goes:
#1: You say you love him. Up until now, I thought it was 100% obsession, obsessive love, wanting what you can not have, wanting the unattainable, etc….not love.
But whether you love him or not doesn’t make a difference. What you say and how you act show that you, for whatever reasons (love, obession, whatever), WANT this guy back! Despite your marriage, despite your protestations that you want to heal, despite tons and tons of advice here!
#2: Your words clearly show that:
you are selfish;
you are proactively wanting and seeking this guy’s attention;
you are justifying all of this, partly b/c you have gotten used to the attention from him this past 4 years and have thus come to expect it; and that:
you are trying to get proof that he loves you back.
You do NOT want an apology. (Your saying you do is a scapegoat, so that you can make yourself look better. I wish I never brought it up!)
You want what you had back, b/c you love him or you think you love him, and you think you can not live without him.
You do not even just want the ego boost that you have gotten from his attention/glances/flirting. If that was it, you would be satisfied with his current staring and what-not.
You want more, and a rekindling of the “relationship” has to be it!
Please, go seek the services of a therapist before you destroy your marriage. Your actions show that you are asking for trouble. Your proactively seeking out his attention is playing with fire…and you will get burned even worse this time…and you have a LOT to lose.
I can’t spend more time on this. Best of luck to you.
aphrogirl
WOW…i read you r post to miserable love and it was the best, most honest, well written thing I have read to date! You hit it big time. I am going to reread it everyday! I cannot believe how much you are right! It all made so much sense it is scary. Please know that you have, in your post, just helped me see the light finally! I think I understand why I cannot shake this, and as you said, I have never encountered such an awful person in my life. I honestly didn’t think people could be so cruel. I was dead wrong. This is a valuable lesson, that hurts and sucks and will take a very long time for me to get over. But, I will. I have to, for myself and my daughters. I hope they NEVER experience an asshole like this in their lives. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and know that your words have helped me out tremendously!!
Used, aphrogirl, Karen, awesome responses!!
I truly believe that in a good marriage/relationship a third party wouldn’t have a chance to destroy it.
If I a married woman can not get over an “affair” than she has her own issues with being selfish and self absorbed, just thinking what is good for her. Where does this leave the husband? His “job” is to provide for the family? What about his well being and emotionally health? He has a right to that too, but self centered people (like you Miserable Love) just think about themselves.
Miserable Love,I agree with Used, go see a therapist to resolve these issues for your own well being and maybe even marriage counseling, because I get the feeling that you want out, but needing a another man to get you out – you just happened to come across a man that can’t even support himself!
Put the focus back on you – and if you really have the guts – talk to your husband about what happened, it may bring positive change, you don’t know if you don’t try, it may be good for the both of you.
Also, if you gave this loser a lot of money – I hope not – get it back from him, let your husband collect it from him! This loser neighbor will spit it out just to keep it hidden from the wife and the other women he is scamming in your area.
Used,
: } : } For some reason, you are dissecting everything I have ever said to “diagnose” me. Which is fine, but not always accurate. Hell, my heart and my head are still fighting each other trying to tell me what I want, what I need, what is good, not good, I am getting more confused by your analysis! In having good and bad days, I may sound more like I want him back and can’t live without him one day or I am asking general advice on how to further my healing. Let’s address these sequentially like you did:
#1 Thanks for the analysis, but I love this person! Not a game, a playmate, a fantasy, an obsession, I point blank love him. I may contradict myself due to writing space constraints. Lets be clear. I am working on my marriage and want it to work. I have already come to terms with the fact that AC and I will never be able to be together they way he promised we would. I don’t “want him back” for the purpose of getting together forever and to leave my husband. I know that if that happened, he would be unfaithful to me, lie to me, and probably dump me again like he already did. I have already said I do want to heal and I have taken lots of the advice I have received already.
#2: I cannot fathom anything that I have said that would make ME look selfish. I have off and on been trying to get his attention in hopes that it would induce him to contact me and provoke him to feel remorse, and guilt, and the need to give me a proper explanation of his terrible behavior. I believe all of us would like to feel that our whole relationship wasn’t “in vain” and that our assclowns once really did love like they say they did, even though they just woke up and decided they don’t anymore. I would like to know if he ever loved me, still loves, or is a zombie who feels nothing. I would like an apology or at least an acknowledgement that he is an asshole and has treated me poorly, yes that is true, closure. I would like to “look” better than him right now and do have a loss of self-esteem from being discarded like trash. The apology wish is not a scapegoat. I have lived without him for 4 months. I do not want a rekindling of the relationship.
I have to live with this experience the rest of my life. Who wants to look back and say, Man I was treated terribly and kicked to the curb, I almost left my husband for this jerk, etc. I would like to walk away from this tragedy accepting my part in it, learning from it, having information that I was denied, and some closure to be able to move on and put this behind me.
I realize I have a lots to lose. I am not seeking attention for the purpose of getting back together, I just want him to see that I am “happy” and doing just fine without his sorry ass. I wish he would regret hurting me and show that he has some human tendencies.
I will keep the counseling recommendation in mind. I have been focusing on my marriage and we are doing a lot better, not that my marriage had anything to do with why I got involved with EUM. I know that I can’t do anything to jeaporadize my marriage again, as I don’t what to lose my husband.
Like I said, I didn’t purposely search out my AC. He pursued me knowning I was married, and had no intention of getting involved with him. I have only been still seeking his attention outside hoping that would “register” him a guilty feeling that he would have a desire to resolve final issues in our relationship, so that we could move on on better terms. I would also like some validation from him for dignity purposes, maybe say, I am sorry for the way I have treated you, I still love and you and always will, you deserve way more than I could ever be to you, etc. That might actually help me stop feeling like a huge loser every time he looks at me. Thanks.
Aphrogirl and Karen,
Your responses were wonderful and very helpful. Thank you so much! You guys really do “get it”.
Astelle – You are still clueless. Seems like you have to be told the same things over and over and over. You seem to pick and choose what you want to “read” and then start demeaning people. If I was selfish, I would have just left my husband and kids immediately on the whim of someone else to hell how it affected them. I am not selfish, think what you will. The whole situation is so much bigger than ME. FYI, I have fulfilled all my wifely and motherly duties in full without absence, with no detriment to anyone else. So you can rest your fears that my husband’s well being and personal health is fantastic and that I continued to provide for my family in the face of all my own personal issues. You are still making uninformed comments. If you would look back, you would see that I never looked to stray from my husband whom I love, and am not looking to “get away” from him until I ” have another man” to fall back on, as you say. That is absurd.
One thing you are correct about is the money situation. Please people do not lend a man money!! I knew when he asked to borrow it, I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach something wasn’t right, but I am a very kind, giving person, and would help anyone if I could, so I did, then it was more here and more there, etc. I did not give him my husband’s money. I gave him my own personal money that I had been given and saving up for holidays and birthdays. AC’s wife doesn’t know he borrowed money from me, as she doesn’t know about me. My husband doesn’t know about AC, so I can’t tell him I lent him my money. AC knows he has me screwed because I can’t “litigate” to get it back, and I can’t make a big deal about it to him or tell anyone. Just my mistake, and won’t make it again. To me, it isn’t about the “money”, it is about the deceit and lack of integrity to pay back a debt you owe. My thinking is if he can’t even pay back the debt he owes, which to me is separate sidebar from our relationship, I don’t want the stinking money back. It is not worth it. I gave him three chances to give me the money back on his terms. He didn’t come through with it. I will never see it.
Another problem: My husband wouldn’t be able to stand up to this guy who is verbally abusive and way bigger than he is. My husband can’t even stand up for me and my children to others or his family. I am the one who has to take care of defending and standing up for things. I lent AC the money out of the kindness of my heart, not for anything else in return. Out of respect for him, I didn’t even ask what he needed it for, I just gave it to him, never thinking I wouldn’t be paid back. Once again, another poor decision. I wrote off the money a long time ago. He has to live with the knowledge that he cheats people out of money.
Miserable love, I realize emotions can be irrational sometimes but seeing all the assclown qualities your EUM posesses, what is it that makes you say you love him? What do you love about him?
Are you sure you are not fooling yourself?
Same with your husband. How in the world can you have a good marriage when he appearantly doesn´t notice that you have been going through turmoil for the last 4 months and cheated on him before that? Can you really say that you then have a true connection or friendship the way you should have with your life partner?
I really don´t mean to judge you but your words seem to contradict the facts you have shared with us. And that makes me worried that you are at least partly still living in phantasyland/drama. You can´t get over this untill you see the cold hard facts.
miserable, you wrote…
“#2: I cannot fathom anything that I have said that would make ME look selfish.”
all I can say in response is !!!!!!! are you for real ? look hon, I am rooting for you, and if your story is real I feel for you but…..
I try to write with compassion here becasue I beleive we get seriously deluded by the assclownery, I know I was.
But, an affair is a betrayal, plain and simple. It is a betrayal of a commitment involving confidence of the heart, and that is some very serious stuff. Unless you want or have the most shallow of relationships with your husband you are letting the most unworthy “romance” make your marriage a sham.
All behavior you have engaged in, has the same effect on your husband as the assclownery all of us here have experienced from the AC’s. Anything you write about the selfish AC neighbor, how he hurt you, treated you like trash, are things your husband would likely write or feel if he knew of your behavior.
Maybe Asyelle is right and you do want out of your marriage. You seem to think you have fullfliied your role as wife and mother but I ..are you serious ?!?. The roles you have fulfilled are only the superficial. You are not thinking about the emotional component of a relationship, and the emotional connection and commitment and opportunities for growth, that is implied in a marriage .
That you may want out is for you to explore honestly and openly with a therapist, not the neighborhood flake. And, out of kindness , you would ideally sort it out in your head before taking actions that could break your husband’s heart.
I’ll reiterate; unless you and your husband have discussed and agreed to open marriage, your betrayal of being involved with another man, regardless of any excuses you can make to justify why its OK, is selfish behavior. NO exceptions. It’s up to you to have integrity no matter what the situation. If we choose to act without integrity we are being selfish.
I’m with Astelle on this, because in any relationship of mine that involved an affair would have to be outed and with the help of a very skilled therapist, Then the very hard work of earning forgiveness would have to begin. And I would hope that my husband loved me enough to work to accept the hard work I would do to try to earn his forgiveness.
ON a lighter note….It did cross my mind that your story has generated the most amazing number of responses, from women who have the distinct experience of not giving up on guys who seem to be resistant to taking steps toward facilitating their growth and potential….
while I’m still rooting for you miserable.this is starting to remind me of my involvement with the EUM … You have received lots of solid advice here but I feel the need to disengage from the conversation because writing and words can be used to run around in circles and avoid the hard work needing to be done.
I sincerely hope you come to agree and benefit from some of the things shared here.
truthhurts,
I am not fooling myself with my feelings for the assclown. I guess where the confusion lies is that I came to this site for help on getting over the AC, while I put my part of the marriage back together, not to come here to dissect my marriage. Yes both areas affect each other, but they are two different situations. We really do have a good marriage. I am sure he notices that I have been “going through some things” emotionally, but I try to keep it to myself as much as possible. My husband and I do have a connection and deep friendship. It is possible to love two people at the same time, and unfortunately that happened to me. It was sort of like living two separate lives, not fun, not right, but that is what for a brief time. Since it is over, I have realized that the grass isn’t greener, and am very thankful that I realized this before it was too late. My husband and I doing a lot better now, and the reason I came to this site was to seek help in dealing with what I went through with the AC, get him out of my system, and move the focus back to where it should be. I can assure you I am not still in drama land, I am trying to get my life back and put this terrible mistake behind me.
My situation is somewhat opposite. I am the woman he left his wife for a month and a half ago. However, I find in spying on his emails (it happened by accident) to her, he told her twice he misses her (” a lot”), is very overly kind and polite in his language to her, says he’s sorry he hurt her feelings by leaving, and recently told her he “prayed for her to sell [their former] condo so she could move by the summer.”, and was surprised when she emailed him the very next day that she’d accepted an offer. Why is he so solicitous towards her? She did not respond to him at all on these points. If I were she, I’d tell him to piss off. The only thing he can hope to gain by telling her these things is the soothing of his own guilt, make himself feel like a good person.
All the while, he has been telling me that he does not miss her at all, and that he thinks of her as a sister. I know he has baggage with her, but he had decided to divorce her long before he met her, my appearance was a catalyst. I am distancing myself from him emotionally, as I feel I am ‘the rebound’, especially since he so lovingly told me that I should “Never mention this issue again” and “If I don’t believe him, it’s my own damn problem”. Ironically, his soon-to-be-ex distanced herself from him emotionally, never broaching the subject of his having had a brief affair in the 12th of their 23 years of marriage. He probably told her to shut up, too.
aphrogirl,
I can assure you my story is REAL, whatever that means.
Again, there seems to be some confusion as to what topic people are talking about in regard to my situation. Do you all want to discuss my marriage or my relationship with the AC, which is why I came here in the first place? I have only been here to try to deal with getting over my AC. But somewhere along the lines, the psychoanalysis of my marriage came in and now everyone is talking about both and no one knows which one they are talking about, including myself. I myself have strictly been talking about my feelings and situations with the AC, to better understand them, myself, and put them behind me.
I thought in prior posts when people were saying I was selfish, they were talking about me being selfish in relation to Assclown. If you all want to talk about my marriage, please be clear and we can discuss that separately. So since you all want to focus on the fact that I had the affair to begin with, lets talk about that.
I would be the first to tell you that I was SELFISH in allowing anything to happen with AC and to betray my husband. You cannot be harder on me, than I already have been on myself. Of course, I know that was selfish. At the time I didn’t think I was being selfish, becuase I have lived my entire life for other people and had lost who I was, and when I was feeling really happy because of AC, I felt that life was too short not to check it out and see where it went. That was selfish because of my family and husband, my morals, etc. But it was what I needed to do for ME at the time, and if you want to call that selfish, fine. You don’t walk in my shoes and it is not as simple as that. This is funny because if you knew me, Selfish is never a word I have EVER been called. I give so much of myself to others, too much, and the one time in my entire life I leave the “straight and narrow” path, people act like I have had many affairs, etc. : } I did betray my husband, never done anything like it before, never will again. I have to live with that the rest of my life, it wasn’t “intentional”. I didn’t set out to do it, however, I take full responsibility. I do not want out of my marriage, never did, or I would have left the minute AC entered my life.
You are right, I have fulfilled my roles during this hard time, maybe “going through the motions” at times, I can certainly say I wasn’t giving a 100% at times, especially since I have been involved with AC, but no partner in a marriage gives 100% all the time. When you are going through things, your partner picks up the slack, and vice versa. He has definitely noticed I have been going through alot and has asked questions, suspected things, etc., but I have been able to maintain things. This was not a 5 year affair. It lasted a few months, most of which we didn’t see each other anyway, still doesn’t make it any less though, I understand that. What you all don’t realize is that he “bothered” me for 2 years prior to anything happening between us. I was in constant turmoil just trying to not let anything happen between us during that time. Because I didn’t want what ended up happening to happen. And I wish it hadn’t. It is a very long drawn out story. Whether you believe me or not, I had the best of intentions to keep avoiding him and not let him get to me.
I did betray my husband and I am not justifying that it is ok under any circumstance, and am willing to pay whatever consequences that come from it. It was not fair to him or my family. I have the utmost integrity and always try to right my wrongs.
I am not resistant to facilitating my healing, growth, etc. that is why I am here. I have read lots of wonderful blogs and have been helped tremendously just in the days I have been coming to this site. I have been doing a lot of hard work and am not avoiding it or trying to keep busy doing other things to avoid working on my situations. Actually, I have only brought up a couple different topics that I sought advice about and other people have added more drama and “added other issues” to spiral this into a huge discussion. That was never my intention when I came here. I just hoped that one person would respond to my request for advice, and I have been blessed by hearing many other perspectives. Thank you, I have benefited from the advice immensely and understand you need to do what you need to do.
I am trying to focus my attention within this site on issues with an EUM and getting through NC to the point I don’t care what he thinks, etc. That is what I came here to discuss. I guess in the future people need to leave off some of the facts of their situation and not be totally honest, because they get beat up for it. I said that I was married because I was being honest, and people want to focus on my infidelity, which as already happened, and not focus on the aftermath, what I am trying to resolve. If you had a similar situation to mine, you understand exactly what I am talking about.
Thank you again, aphrogirl
Correction to my original post: “but he had decided to divorce her long before he met ME.”
Aphrogirl: Wonderful Wonderful post! Your words have helped me tremendously as well. Very well put and I thank you so much for that!
To Miserable (and anyone else who my story might help):
I relate to your story more than you think…it is just that I posted my story many months ago that it is tiring at times to rehash something that I have truly grown from immensly in the past 6months. All the stories on here are dysfunctional…because we are ourselves dysfunctional. I am not here to focus on nor pass judgement on your situation (you being married, your xeum being divorced etc..etc..) what is done is done and you can only move on from where you are now regardless of opinions others may have of you. I say this because every one’s story is relative to their lives, their own beliefs, their own pain etc…. including mine. My xEUM lived with his three kids and their mother (and still does) and while many will choose to judge me on that, it is fine…because only I know what hell I put myself in and only I know what it has taken for me to get out (and am still trying to get through). I know I post in hopes that my story/my experience helps other women get through theirs because i know what having low self esteem, not loving yourself enough and having bad relationship habits has done to me. I fell for my xEUM for all the reasons that Aphrogirl mentioned in her post. He approached me in a very charming and delightful way. He came on strong and needless to say a friendship at work turned into a relationship (or what I thought was a relationship at the time). I was the other woman, I had an office relationship, I lent him money (in fact, he owes me money on 4 credit cards not to mention a car payment. Oh yes– I even purchased a car for him under my name and he is paying it off!) Oh, and did I mention that I married him? Oh yes… I married him to help him with his citizenship…. and yes while he was still living with the mother of his kids, yes while we were still having the office relationship and yes all the while me thinking that I loved him, he loved me and me believing his lies that once he had his papers fixed, once he had a car, once his kids were a little older once, once, once (insert excuse here) he would leave the mother of his kids (because he was supposidely so miserable with her). All of the above with me being a single mom to a 14 year old because I thought I was being so “kind” and “sweet” and “loving”. And all because I thought that this is what love meant and was. All of this because so many of us women (and men) dont really know what love really means……. and that love HAS to begin with loving ourselves otherwise, we get our selves into these messy, horrible, dysfunctional and hurtful relationships because we have no clue how to love ourselves……so how the heck do we would know “BAD” love if we dont even know what “GOOD” love looks like? Talk about an “ephiphany relationship” like NML says……. this was it for me!
Needless to say…. when I say you have to have patience I mean you really have to have patience with yourself. Besides all the fixing that I have to do in my life with me still being married and all the financial ties i still have to this man and with the fact that I work with him and see him every single day……. The ABOSULTE first thing I had to do……was to get right emotionally so that I could deal with all these things. That meant, detaching myself first emotionally from him so that I could later have the strength and the courage to detach myself from everything else that binds me to this man. I can tell you how much I wanted OUT and I wanted OUT of the whole mess IMMEDIATELY!!! I wanted to launch myself to another planet and start over and pretend that I had never reached this low in my life and that I had not been so naive and blind to have put myself through all of this. Because in the end… what was I left with? NOTHING! He has his car, his citizenship and a new woman to call his “other woman” who he cheated on me with (yes I was the Other woman to the other woman) (No he has not left the mother of his kids– and dont think he ever really plans on it!) and Karen was left with a marriage certificate, 4 credit card debts, a car payment to a car that doesnt even belong to her and the pleasure of being reminded of what a mistake she made every day when she goes to work, not to mention a husband you really wasnt her husband and in fact now needed to get divorced from! Talk about trying to get over someone while they are in your face!!! And talk about having almost every bad scenario that being involved with an EUM can be and all the “no no’s” of a relationship. I mention this not because I want anyone to sympathisize. I mention this because although that for me was rock bottom, I allowed myself to grieve and cry (and lose about 20lbs over how depressed I was) over losing my “fantasy” or what I thought at that time was “love”. I allowed myself to feel all the pain and the repercussions all my bad decisions and choices had caused instead of running away from them or trying to avoid them. And that sometimes, hitting rock bottom and having no one else to depend on but yourself is what jolts us into making changes becoming stronger and learning the lesson of loving YOU first.
I knew that my wellbeing had to come first. And so I have waited these past 6months before doing anything about all the other things that I have to take care of because I knew that as long as I was still attached to him emotionally there was no way that I could deal with talking to him every day and fighting about getting divorced, getting the credit cards payed… getting the car off of my name etc….and overall getting myself out of this mess that I got myself into. Many people ahhed and awed about this. Many judged and criticized me. Many told me I needed to get him into court ASAP! Well… tell that to a woman who still believes she loves a man has been discarded and betrayed and feels has been so hurt terribly. You cant! Because you are still vulnerable, you are still too “emotionally invested” to even be thinking rationally. You can only be ready when you’re ready. Thats why I realized that I needed to work through my pain on my own and that relieving that pain had nothing to do with my X in fact, getting away from him and NC was crucial if I wanted it to work (something I learned from this site 😉 My first recorse was to remove myself from the very situation that was causing me harm to begin with– not to figure out a way to get closer or find an explanation..that would have to come later! So, I decided to focus on the things that I could change and that I did have control over. I truly loved my job and was not willing to give it up– so instead I would avoid his dept has much as i could (the harder route but I wasnt willing to give up my position). I would park on the other side of the bldg etc.. I set it up so that the only time I needed to communicate with him was when his payments were do (I was lucky enough that he was atleast responsible in that). And no it wasnt a phone call…. or me walking over to him during work. It was me sending a text message as simple as: Discover card payment due next week of $25.. please deposit into my account no later than the 12th. Did he “TRY” to call me… yep. Did he try to come to my office to “TALK” to me about it” Yep..Did he try to give me the “lets be friends” talk… absolutely! but It was all about self preservation at that point and so I didnt “allow” him access to me or my life anymore and didnt pick up my phone and “all of a sudden” had to be in a meeting when he came into my office. When I say do what you have to do to make it happen…. I mean do what you have to do but it certainly didnt mean that I “LIKED” doing it. Now listen……… it was heart wrenching pain to see him and to go through this..I loved this man..I believed and had trusted this man (regardless of how many will ask themselves how I could have) but i did. It didnt matter how dysfunctional my situation was had been or that I should have known better. The fact remained that I had done it, and that that is just how I felt!!! I could have sat there and psycho analyzed all the things that must be wrong with me to have put myself there to begin with…….but I only had “ME” to depend on and I chose instead not to judge myself and not to allow others to judge me…and focus on what I was going to do about it instead. That is power! That is strength and that is courage! I could deal with all my child hood issues and all the reasons why I could have possibly done this to myself later……first… I had to emotionally detach myself from my own addiction If I was ever going to be better! (I did also start seeing a therapist) See, much like the person who survives addiction to anything else… you never are really OVER the addiction……you just learn ways to deal with it and you work on it DAILY and you CHOOSE Daily not to give into it! You also surround yourself and arm yourself with every possible resource you can that will give you strength, encouragement, and that will support you through it. Am I completely over him or this situation? No…….. but i learned so much from it and from being on this site that I can never go back and I am determined to learn to love myself so that I never put myself there again!!!
It still hurts and if you want to know… I still feel “love” every time I see him…..but perhaps not love for him per se……but for the person that I had chosen to see instead…… and perhaps its not “love” but that feeling that Aphrogirl talked about that we think is “love”.
Either way— hang in there because it does get better. I dont really care that you are married, that you had an affair, that people may think it was a horrible, terrible, immoral blah blah blah………we know that already! I care about what you are going to do to get yourself out and better so that you learn from your mistake and hopefully this makes you into a better person which translates into a better wife, mother, friend etc….. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and your story will one day help someone else who stumbles upon this site looking for encouragement, a way out and not to be judged and feel worse than they already do. Ask anyone who has succeeded in something if they didn’t make mistakes along the way? You have to embrace them as long as you learn from them and use them to propel you into betterig yourself. Tell me, what good is there in pointing fingers, in telling someone that they should have known better and how could they? I for one dont think thats encouraging at all. I think you are trying your darnest and you do want out…. its just hard……but as long as you get up every day and you are willing to fight and you are willing to do something about it….. than you are on your way! With that being said, you have so much to contend with right now I wouldnt waste not one more single stroke of my keyboard or one more ounce of energy on trying to defend yourself on this site. No explanations are needed. This site isnt about that……..in fact you are fueling the fire and contributing to that energy when you do defend yourself. Just ignore the comments that you feel are not beneficial/healthy/helpful to you and focus on the one’s that do inspire/encourage and move you to want to do better…because that is what you need right now. I know I have learned a lot from NML’s experience. She made mistakes as well…she was the other woman at one point… (read her all her older posts to really understand her story) and I can only thank her for not only sharing her experience but turning her “mistakes” and her experience into something that is helping so many people. How could she have done it had she not gone through these things or if she hadnt had the courage to tell her story despite the fact that many would be quick to judge? You dont have to defend yourself or explain yourself to anyone. Everyone has the right to say or write or feel or state their opinion and you have the right and the power to choose to ignore those comments or allowing them to get to you…. again– take control over your healing and well being to get through this.
Wow this is long… so sorry! But wishing you and everyone else the best!!! 😉
Karen,
THANK YOU! All I have been trying to convey is that I AM taking control over my healing and trying to get past this, and I shouldn’t have to feel like I have to defend myself, never thought I would have to on my site anyway. You are absolutely right. Your situation is huge and I can’t imagine what you are going through, but we do have similar issues we are dealing with. I love that you said you are having to deal with YOU first, before some other issues can be tackled. That is where I am at right now. It is just hard to ignore some of the things that have been said, which I have felt are taking away from my healing process and some of which have had nothing to do with my situation. Thank YOU!
Miserable:
I just read Aphrogirls post and what she said at the end. You may want to look into that a little. What makes us dysfunctional in one way can make us dysfunctional in others. You always have to check yourself and your reasons for doing things some that may not even be “conscious” to you. Those of us that engage with these types of men can have some underlying co-dependant tendencies as well. Its great to come here and get support/information/and encouragement but at some point you also have to remove yourself from the SUPPORT GROUP and the “supporting” and put those suggestions into play on your own otherwise, the support group itself or the “support” that you are getting becomes just another addiction for you and you become dependant on that. Hope you dont take that the wrong way…… but it is a good observation that she made and that you may just want to consider. Besides… you want to learn to empower and soothe yourself too and not always look to others to provide that for you. I know the anxiety can takes its toll and you want to run and post and find an answer — but once again…you have to make sure you are managing your anxiety and working on that as well. This is all going back to self esteem issues again. Just keep your mind open to that and consider that as a possibility and suggestion towards you not just healing from this situation but some other underlying issues you may not even be aware of. Aye Aye Aye…. its hard work and its not simple but you are on your way! 🙂
Karen,
You are absolutely right. Just because I am posting here doesn’t mean I am addicted to posting and not working on my issues, as you said, but I see where for some that could be the case. That could also be the case for bloggers who are through their situation and keep coming back for whatever reason. I have been dealing with my own problems and “soothing” myself. I was just excited about finding this site and talking about some of the “issues” I have had an exceptionally hard time dealing with. I am getting better every day, thank you for pointing that out. : }
Yabbi Yum.. i’m not quite sure how to say this, but here goes… RUN!!!!!!! He is lying, playing both sides of the field, and you’re right, you are the rebound.. My own experience and the experience of others has taught me that those things never work out. I have been on both sides. The first time i was his “everything” until she finally left him and never looked back, then he resented me. They did divorce but he was a bitter angry man and I was devastated. The 2nd time, 10 years later, he was in an unhappy marriage and I was the push he needed to leave. However, unlike the 1st time, i was married too.. We both left our significant others to follow the yellow brick road and after about 8 months the guilt kicked in on his side. I divorced my husband, i thought it the right thing to do, and he has since moved on.(it’s been 2 years). My ass clown who told me i was the sun, moon and the stars.. did not go back to his wife, no, he has another girlfriend and is still not divorced. He did exactly what i did not want him to do, I think I would have felt better if he went back. I’m in a much better place then him, but there will not be a 3rd time with men who aren’t available and as i like to call it.. “don’t have their head in the game”…. Your situation is heartbreak waiting to happen.. I lived it..
good luck
Hi there, just had to check in again after a while. Turns out that shit EUM is now dating his flatmate (female) who I always suspected he was really interested in. I think she was seeing somebody else when I first met him on the dating site,and he was clearly looking for a little bit of distraction. I gave him a great summer last year, and all the while he was waiting for her to become available.Thanks a lot, douchebag!!
I was with my EUM for almost years. He was so loving and generous when we were together, amazing sex life, wined me and dined me and was a total gentleman when with me. however, the relationship was stalled for almost 2 years where it was in the first 3-4 months.
In the fifth month of dating I caught him online-found his profile picking up other chicks and confronted him. I took the profile printout to his house the day he invited me over for a bbq. He in the beginning denied and I left him there and said, “call me when you are honest.” So, he did a day later and said he only wants me and that he “was not sure if I was still playing the field because we never had the “exclusivity talk.”
I fell for that BS. His behavior was still shady-going out some weekends without me, working late, etc. His job is sooo demanding that I believed it and he knew he cold use it as an excuse.
I finally after almost 2 years told him to “shit or get off the pot” and he said he needed time and that a break was in order. Two days later I pass by his house-2blocks away-and find a skanky chick in disgusting clothes on his floor- no class at all. And this is a professional man in health care. I was always classy, dressed like a million bucks, and respectful. He went from class to trash in a second. She got up and left when she realized who I was and he didn’t even stop her-he just lay on the couch like a pig.
He has txted a few times but I am starting to ignore. I do have a feeling that this sick EUM will try to come back in some cowardly way.
Reading over all of your responses it so sad. I was involved with one of these types of men and it is extremely difficult to move on even sticking to the ‘no contact rule’. My point of moving on was when after two years I saw him with a horrible looking girl! and I thought her and not me and then I thought exactly look at what he can pick up! and I moved on at last. These men are nothing special, nothing to offer any women or society as a whole. The whole point of life is to add joy to the world by being a nice person to others and to make your family and friends happy and leave this world a better place. These men create unhappiness, cruelty and negatively and contribute nothing to life because they are unhappy – obviously and no wonder. ‘If you feel no love, you feel no pain you feel no life’. These men are retarded humans inside a physical normal body. Infact I have a disabled child and she talks more conherently than the EMU I dated. Hope this helps …. honestly these men are wasters, useless members of society.
I have been reading these articles for a couple of months and I have also purchased the book. This is my problem I have been with a man for the past year. He lives next door . He is single and I thought was very interested in me. Well after a relationship of nothing but sex. I felt so empty inside and I wanted more from him. He never took me anywhere never met his family or friends. Matter of fact our neighbors did not know of our relationship it was as though it was a secret. To make a long story short. I caught him with two other women and living next door it was not hard for me to see them. I approached both these women and told them I was his neighbor and was having sex with him the night before. He told them I was crazy and not to believe me and they did. I asked him what I was to him and he told me I was just his whore. I must admit I got so angry when he did this I kicked him in the jewels and walked away. I am obsessing over him and I want to stop. I have had no contact with him for almost tow months. The problem is he is my neighbor and I can see who comes and goes. I want no contact with him. But seeing him in his yard driving down the street with someone else is testing me. Please ladies help me out . I want him out of my heart and mind
Jackie
Jackie,
This kind of situation does happen now and again. And the aftermath is tough.
It might come down to what you can accomplish in your life. If you can let it all go, and wish him well (at least, well enough to stay the hell out of your life!), you might manage to move on. There are a couple of things you can do. You can practice thinking of something else, immediately when you see him. Any time there is a delay in distracting your thoughts, figure out why, and then why thinking about him is a mistake. Practice, every time you see him or thoughts of him cross your mind. Have a couple of alternate crafts or strategies – maybe sing a favored song. I kind of like Trick Pony with Pour Me. Amazing grace, or Leapy Lee’s Little Arrows. Carry a notepad, and every time you need a distraction, work on a shopping list – with meal plan for the next month, schedule of calories by food class, etc. Whatever it takes.
Because if you can’t isolate the space in your life that he still occupies, and stay out so that it is replaced, gradually, with the rest of your life – you might have to move to find a happier place in your life. This is unfair, and wrong – and yet you might find it empowering, too. Make all plans carefully, and involve trusted friends in deciding what to do.
Remember that you cannot gossip, you can’t go into details, or share your emotions about the dis-jeweled clown. Because that is time you spend rebuilding the memories and issues that keep you from moving forward. Besides, nothing good comes from gossip.
A lot of this just takes time. Other parts take calm and reasoned planning. Unlike a kick to the jewels.
Brad K.’s last blog post..Book: Judge Judy gets tough on romance
Brad,K
Thank you for your advice. I am not going to leave my home and move away for anyone. I will tell my mind to stop and start thinking of something else other than the pain this man has given me.
to be honest when I cry I feel I am crying for myself. I need some one to hold me and tell me it is going to be O.K. and I know that the only per son that can do this is myself. I feel like I am empty inside and I know it will take time to heal and soon find the person I use to be. When I see him in his yard with or without his new victim. I must remember the pain and disrespect he gave me when I gave him my love. I know I am a wonderful person I just have to dig deep inside and find her.
Jackie
Miserable Love,
All you want from him is an apology? For what? He thinks he is perfect. I will tell you this from experience. Everyone thinks that if after invoking the NC rule, they will feel SOOOO much better if their EUM would contact them. Well, I had one(actually, more than one) contact me after a very long stretch of time. No what? It made me feel worse! You see, everything that I was embarrassed about the things that I did, came flooding back to me. It simply reinforced the fact that I was truly used, abused, and for awhile, too stupid to realize to what extent this fool would take me to. Yes, I had the responsibility to wise up, but once you deal wih it, hope like heck you never hear from him. Trust me, it will NOT make you feel better.
Jackie
i am at a point now where i can not get any lower with my feelings. I have two wonderful sons. I have my health, I work out five times a week. I own my own house. I am good looking women. Why am I hurting so bad over this man that has been so cruel and uncaring. I am blessed and I feel like my life is just fading away. I have tried so hard to pick my self up. When I feel sad I sing a song, listen to music, work in my garden any thing to occupy my time and mind. When I am done doing these things I sit down and cry my eyes out. When I cry the hurt in my chest is so deep if feels like I can hardly breath. I listen to everyone’s stories and know that we are suffering or have suffered. I just want to smile and feel peace inside of me. I am tired of meaning so little to these men. Sorry for being so gloomy it is one of those days.
Jackie,
Your feelings are your response. The depth of your feelings will also affect how much you hurt if you are betrayed and deserted. You experience the pain because you attached so much of yourself to him.
In a healthy relationship, a deep and loving bond is wonderful – and the foundation for a lifelong companionship. When your mate-prospect is defective – EUM, bozo, dumber than dirt, no character or respect or honor or honesty – you get drama instead of nurturing, you get heartache instead of fulfillment. A successful relationship has to start with picking someone suitable. The reason? Shoes don’t stretch, and men don’t change. If the character isn’t there, then you end up over-reaching yourself. The natural and healthy responses of empathy and caring and learning this new member of your home – instead bind you into a catastrophe of pain, waiting to strike again and again as he leaves, and returns, and disrespects you, and . . .
Your hurting is part of the body’s natural response to bringing new people into your life – bonding. Adapting your body rhythms and chemistry to accommodate this source of pheromones and hormones you start exchanging with on a regular basis – exchanged breaths, touching, etc. Then, when you lose him, even if by your choice, your body as well as your heart go through withdrawals – what we call grieving.
The pain has nothing to do with whether he is worthy. The amount of pain is set because you tried, you cared. And you haven’t yet reached the peak, and begun to move on, to replace attention you now spend on questions and about the past. Distraction and deliberately refusing to maintain the drama, the wallowing (everyone gets a few days, that is a given and needed part of healing!) – the despair – is a matter of saving the rest of your life.
According to a teaching book, Tools For Teachers, adrenaline (just one example of hormones!) takes 28 minutes from the time it starts to affect your reactions and thinking, until it has passed and no longer affects you. The book recommends “short circuiting” the full brunt of the adrenaline attack, which can take a couple of minutes to peak, by immediately taking a calming breath. You will still be jazzed for the next half hour – but affected to a much lower degree. In a classroom, the kids *will* get under your skin. You maintain a healthier, better learning environment if you avoid letting natural and righteous anger affect the kids that don’t happen to be involved at the moment. Just knowing that you can help manage your own anger – even outside the classroom – is immensely empowering.
And that is what I am suggesting for you. To take that calming breath, that momentary timeout, to break the crest of the pain at a much lower level. To practice avoiding the sadness by limiting it’s effects.
Grieving, losing someone, is tough for everyone. Though you want to be held now, consider how very vulnerable you are, how much risk there is that someone you pick out of physical needs – won’t be someone would make a good partner. “On the rebound” is one of those strategies that get passed around grade school. Don’t be one that keeps that sad statistic alive.
Blessed be.
Brad K.’s last blog post..br: Dignity and choosing a partner
Brad,
I am 59 years old was married for 19 years to a very abusive man.He beat me with his hands and abusive language. I am now single for 19 years. Not one but all my relationships have been horrible. All have been so uncaring and no feeling for my pain. As usual I would end it and grieve and sink into such dis pare wondering why God did not let these men understand how much I cared and that all I ever wanted from all these men is love. I know it is because of my child hood. Both my parents were abusive alcoholics and at a very young age I can remember trying to make them stop fighting and drinking. As a young girl I use to sit in my closet for piece and quite and wonder what I did wrong because if they loved me they would listen to me and I would stop crying. My tears I cry now hurt so much more than when I was a little girl. I just can not get it wright . I am worn out . The pain in my chest has become an old friend . I want God to put his light into my heart. I have for years tried to find his light and I am so tired of searching.
Jackie
Jackie,
I swear to you, there are good people in this world. Truly. And I hear what you say about having abusive people, and finding that those you take you your heart repeat the sober now, under the influence later pattern; I married an alcoholic, for a short time.
NML writes consistently and constantly, about how change is needed to break the cycle of finding yourself in bad relationships. The first step is to stop looking for a companion to give you peace, security, and the good parts of what your home, as a child, meant to you. The first step is to find yourself, your self esteem, your core worth.
God knows you, and loves all of you. That doesn’t mean that you fully understand yourself. At any age, there is need to look within, often with the guidance of a counselor or wise friend, to find what is best and brightest, and what there is that identifies with and seeks out the kind of people that have been instrumental in forming us – our parents.
You already recognize that there is a similarity, that we tend to choose partners that remind us of our parents, and tend to take on the values and reactions of our parents or important role models. For those from happy and healthy homes, that unplanned passing down of values and traditions enriches lives, preserves cultural heritage, and gets young people well started on a successful home.
For others of us, we have to undo parts of our past. We have to find, from somewhere else, a balance, an understanding that character is something other than what we grew up with, that respect and discipline have a different meaning. That tolerating and nurturing and caring for a mate *has* to start with a healthy companion-candidate, and we have to value and nurture disciplined and respectful, honorable behavior on our own part.
As your life has shown you, many people find themselves in a marriage or relationship with abuse and disrespect, despair, and ridicule, and aberrant behavior influenced by substance abuse. And they think nothing of it, they never questioned that this is “normal” – or less than they deserve. The presence in nearly all communities of battered women’s shelters does little to break the cycle in the rest of the community, to inform those involved but unreported that are in like circumstances.
You might look for NML’s writings on self esteem, on how we attract an emotionally unavailable or abusive kind of partner because there is something in us that understands that kind of relationship, and actually looks for signs that a person might be the kind of partner we . . . understand.
So the second step will be to learn which signs and signals you look for in evaluating a guy for someone to get closer to. Because some of those indicators are really danger flags, someone to avoid. Does he smile when he sees you? That is pretty safe.
Does he isolate you from contact with your friends and family, to keep you “all to himself” – that is seriously nasty, not romantic. A couple, a family, is a unit of culture within the community. Much of the success of being a couple will be how you interact, individually and as a couple, within your community.
Are his friends respectful of each other and others that aren’t part of their group? This is a biggy. Respect, feeling responsible for recognizing and empowering others, should be the automatic reaction, not reserved solely for those that “earn” respect. We all learn that some people cannot be trusted, that we dare not respect all their words and actions. Remember that even the village idiot has a tale to tell, that we might learn from.
So the second step is character. Find it within yourself, and demand it of those around you. Avoid those that don’t have good character, or you will find it impossible to improve; this is a slippery slope. It may feel arrogant, or bewildering at first, to care about someone’s honesty or honor, or whether you can believe and trust the words they say, and that their actions will say the same thing their words do. And it will be scary, finding that you need to avoid some people because their lack of character is a danger to your happiness. Learn to recognize and respect character, and choose people that will be good to know, people of good character.
If you want a better relationship, decide up front that you are looking for a mate-prospect, and avoid all the perpetual daters. After a few years out of high school, most of the guys you will find where they serve alcohol will be looking for bed partners, not life mates. You will need to look elsewhere for the good men that have stopped “shopping” for a valued companion. Finding and getting good men interested in a shared life is more work, but probably not as bad as it seems right now.
And you might check out resources for children of alcoholic parents, al-anon for those with alcoholics in their lives, and also check into resources that the Salvation Army or a local battered women’s shelter might offer.
The sun is still shining. You just have to step out from under the clouds, sometimes. Luck!
Brad K.’s last blog post..Book: Judge Judy gets tough on romance
Brad K,
Thanks for all your input. I must say very well put. I sometimes think I am by polar. Today I feel good my heart is not weighing me down. I hope this is a sign of accepting the fact that again I gave myself to a man that in my opinion is emotionally dead inside. I know what I think I want from a man and that is love and respect. I am messed up because I know what I want and I am really afraid to get it. I want a man in my life but I do not know if I will ever marry again and give my whole self to someone. I guess I want my cake and eat it to. What is really sad I sometimes try ti imagine being in love with a man and sharing the rest of my life with him . But then I start to think that he will want to control my life and I will begin to suffocate.Tell me Brad K how can I stop this vicous cycle I am in. Picking the wrong men and being afraid of the ones I know will give me what I want. I know I am not crazy just very damaged.
Jackie
Jackie,
NML has written lots on how to manage the problems you face.
Read her articles on boundaries. Boundaries set your expectations, and guide you when to accept or reject various behaviors. If you set appropriate boundaries, say, for respecting others, for keeping your word, for basic hygiene, for never running out of money (adjust plans before the money runs out; no one likes surprises), then you know when you run across someone that you can’t depend on, that won’t be a good mate-prospect.
He keeps going on about prior relationships? That should be a boundary. He should have worked through the ties to the past before meeting you; simply not talking about other women in his life is an even bigger boundary issue – the only woman he should have in his life is his mother, maybe daughters. And *not* as intimate companions. If he hasn’t worked through his issues yet, he cannot be considered to be suitable. If he ever does work through them then you would have to consider the person he became – waiting is not an option. Consider anyone still working on issue from the past – maimed. Someone to pity, but don’t take him home to meet Daddy. And don’t snuggle with someone that is too maimed (emotionally, from his past) to be functional *right now*. There are plenty of chicks cruising bars looking for sex adventures to entertain him for a week or two.
Boundaries give you the confidence to proceed. You learn what you can accept and what you will reject – learning the rejecting part is the truly empowering part of boundaries.
Also read on self esteem. For the most part, you should never think that what you want isn’t attainable, or that you aren’t worthy of the biggest and highest dreams. Learning to value yourself as a person, learning to take command of your life, learning that you can and do take care of yourself so that you aren’t dependant on someone else for happiness or basic needs – these prepare you to find and hang onto a good partner. And to share lives, knowing that you give as much and as well as you receive.
In high school and grade school all we really knew about “relationships” was that there should be a wedding, and the rest was mostly about sex adventures. Since then, we have been able to look around us, and notice that mates have responsibilities, and that homes are about security and comfort, as well as intimacy. Often we have examples of aunts and uncles, neighbors, parents, that we didn’t realize at the time, were giving us the tools to be mature mates and share our lives in building a home. Not all of us paid that much attention to the mundane aspects; the Bud Light commercials and fashion and Cosmo all seem to keep dwelling on the sex adventures. Bars and clubs all make their buck by keeping people dating and circulating. And that doesn’t lead to happy shared lives.
Some communities, families, and faiths still encourage people to marry. And many people have seen that instead of being old fashioned, mating with someone invested in a rich culture and respected in their community can be satisfying. Those looking for the excitement of sex adventures, lured on by fashion, by beer and tobacco ads – wonder why they get drama and excitement, instead of comfort and dependability.
Jackie, I think a couple can make a go of a long term relationship. I think the chances are immensely better, if they realize that in building a home, they build a small unit of some culture. If they choose each other with community and cultural values, and character, in mind, if they come together with the intent of interacting, as a couple, with family and community, I think many couples could be embarking on shared lives that need never end. When either partner sets their goal to be intimate but not to change their lives, with no intention of sharing lives, then you have what I call a perpetual dater instead of a mate prospect.
Boundaries should help you choose a likely mate prospect with confidence and eagerness. Self esteem should reduce your worries and fears to manageable size. Good friends (of character!) and family will be invaluable in choosing good values and goals.
Blessed be!
Hi ladies, many thanks for reading this message.
I am a writer for Marie Claire magazine and I’m working on a feature on women whose partners left a wife/girlfriend to be with them.
It doesn’t matter if you’re still with the man in question – a variety of experiences is expected (and welcomed!)
The piece will be very positive and non-judgmental, and will comprise a short telephone interview. You will get the opportunity to take part in a photo shoot with of the magazine’s top photographers.
If you, or anyone you know, has been in this situation, I’d love to hear from you. Please email me at caroline.hedley@gmail.com. Thanks in advance!
I have read so many articles about my situation with Mr. Unavailable.A lot of these articles say that I am the problem. What I am choosing in men is a reflection of my self. I have been trying to figure this out. I have pondered it for days. How do I find the things that I have wrong with me. Where do I Look ? I know I have a lot of issues about my childhood. But I never thought they would be with me my whole life. Also I did not know I would have poor choices in men because of this. I want what every one else wants. A friend you can trust,a companion and most of all I want him to love me with all his heart. I never knew that love was so hard to find. I do not know how to change and I do not want painful relationships any more. I feel like a little girl that wants her mother to give her a hug and tell her that every thing is going to be O.K. I will pray that God lets me see the things I must change so someday I may have a loving relationship. I am so empty inside.
Jackie,
I think that there comes a time when we have to ask for help. I suggest a trusted pastor or minister, Al-Anon, a trusted counselor.
I would assume that your family, in failing to help you, either suffers from poor communication skills, from poor home dynamics, or a combination of these or other problems in forming healthy relationships. Just because someone else seems to be living well, does not mean that they know or understand where their success came from.
NML’s book, Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, an e-book, gives a good introduction to the topics on this site. I think, as I said above, that improving your self esteem and self respect is important, and learning to set and enforce healthy boundaries will start to take you where you need to go.
It should not be all that hard. But it is, it is incredibly tough to see ourselves plainly and without deceptions and masks and pretenses. It is tough to identify what we need in order to reach our goals, and tougher still to change our lives.
You seem to hear NML’s explanation that we attract EUM’s and AC because something in us expects to be treated the way they treat their intimate partners. Something in us expects them to act the way people we have respected act, including alcoholics in the family. We recognize their dependency on chemicals, and it feels like coming home. Or we see their harsh treatment of others, or their narcissism, or their arrogant manner, and we recognize the familiarity of expected behavior from our past. We tend to hang out where the comfortable and familiar – dysfunctional – people hang out.
Perhaps, if you can’t find a mentor, someone trusted to help you sort through your values, expectations, and boundaries, and you don’t want to ask at a battered women’s shelter for advice, you might start with honesty, respect, and honor. Learn the difference between aggression and discipline (the will to complete a task).
Luck, dear heart.
I have to keep coming back to this article over and over and OVER! He’s with her (for 4 MONTHS now), but it has been so off and on for the last year and a half I keep thinking he’ll be back any day. I know I shouldn’t care or wait, but it’s such a blow to my ego and self-esteem. I just can’t seem to let go. He’s in AA and I think now he’ll be a better person, but she’s the one that gets to be with that better person.
Oh, I know: move on, get some hobbies, get a life, already! I’m going to see a counselor in 2 weeks. Hopefully that will help!
Thanks again for your articles!
S,
Hang on. Have you checked out Al-Anon, the group that provides support and understanding for people who’s lives have been harmed by being with an alcoholic? Even second hand, alcohol addiction damages lives, and it is surprisingly (horribly?) consistent what those people need – the information, the guidance, the support. From people that have lived in the trenches.
My own guess is that a recovering drunk, while on the wagon, will be terrified of going back to anything in his past. And if he starts drinking again, will return to old habits and be useless for a relationship. I cannot believe there is anything for you to be waiting for. It is not the woman that he is with now that keeps him from you.
And you might consider – why do you want a man that is with another woman? If he would leave her, for any reason, you could never believe he would stay with you. At some point you have to find respect for him, or you cannot consider him an equal partner in a loving relationship. And if you respect him, you *have* to respect his choice to be with someone else.
Then there are boundaries. Boundaries that include, refusing to consider any guy that has an attachment – dating, married, or more complicated. Either a guy is available, at this moment, to share lives in a loving relationship, or he is only seeking bed partners, and never will understand there is anything more than sex adventures.
If you aren’t happy with your life and relationships, then it is time to try something else. (At least, I hope you aren’t happy with waiting!) Ask yourself if you are waiting for him, to avoid addressing your own needs for self esteem. You have waited this long – obviously you can survive without someone else to care for you. But do you *know* that? Is that knowledge, that you are a person, that your value to home and community is intact and valued, even without a life companion? Do you understand that you are so valuable a person, that you don’t need to take disrespect or disinterest from someone you consider to share your life with?
He chose to be with someone else. Whether his choice was reasonable or even sane – he has violated a boundary that should mean that he is unsuited to be with you. Right now you are still “involved” with him; that is where your heart is. Until you face yourself and your needs (like Al-Anon or other counseling for those affected by an alcoholic) you won’t be able to heal, to recover a sound and happy basis for living – and won’t be available if a truly good man comes along. Until you let go and find yourself again, you will continue to be a woman involved with a drunk, with all the compromise and unhealthy sacrifice of yourself that goes along with that.
Take heart!
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..br: Stumbling over broken dreams =-.
Brad,
Thanks so much for your reply! Someone heard me in cyberspace! You are so right and it’s good for me to hear.
I have thought a lot about al-anon and it was suggested by him and the OW. See, both her and I were involved with him off and on this whole time(so, she is just as much a part of his past). Plus, he had a need for other women at the same time, as well. I just figured al-anon was not for me and it would just be a constant reminder of him and not a good way to go forward. I’m hoping the counselor will be able to just help me with my own issues and put this behind me.
We broke NC last week and spent some time texting. He does say he thinks about me and cares about me, but that I do need to move on for my own good. All I want to hear is the first part! But, it’s right there and he’s being honest.
I know he’s not the one for me, but it feels like I just want the dream that our relationship was that much better that he’d come running back to me. It’s not real, I know. I know I couldn’t trust him and he was EUM (and now especially since he has all these meetings to go to). The meetings are really his life, as they should be. I could go to the “open” ones, but I can’t be with him 24/7. I did want to support him through this, but the OW is going to al-anon and whatever, and I’m sure she’s doing just fine. It is all so obvious to just walk away, but I just got so caught up with everything and I lost myself. Jealousy is a huge factor, too. I miss things and know that they are doing them together now, not me. I just have to let go. And, as you said, *respect* his choice to be with someone else.
Thanks so very much for your reply. I know I have to do it, it’s just taking me a little longer!
I have just received a voicemail message on my mobile from my long standing assclown. I have been seeing him for 22 months [since November 2007] and he always told me he never wanted a relationship. On top of that he hardly ever took me anywhere, and whenever we did go anywhere it was always me who instigated it [and paid]. Basically, i let this poor excuse of a man use me for all that time and i got miniscule crumbs in return. And very poor treatment at times.
Then in June this year, he randomly announced that he had a girlfriend!!!!!!!! [remember, he told he he was not looking for a relationship with anyone] And get this! He explained to me that he had always faniced a particular girl since the age of 21 [he is now 33] but nothing happened between them back then. But in May this year, he randomly bumped into her on the street and he asked her to be his girlfriend on the spot. They did not even court and they had not seen each other in 12 years!!! And she accepted his girlfriend invitation.
Well, this man has continued to sleep with me since the arrival of his new girlfriend. I hated myself for doing this but i just couldn’t stop it. It was like i was addicted to him, the sex and the physical attraction. But the more i continued to see him, the more i became disgruntled at having to be his SIDE SHAG whilst some other girl [who, unlike myself, has invested zero time in him] takes the glory of being his official girlfriend who gets to be paraded in front of his friends and family.
So when he called me last week for a booty call, I TURNED HIM DOWN. Because i rejected him [i rarely do] he told me not contact him again. But i did. In fact, i was so angry and hurt by the disrespectful way i’ve been treated for 22 months, i started to text him everyday since our phone-call, sending at least 3 a day! I know girls! I turned *psycho* on his ass, telling him how hurt i am about him taking up with the new girl, and it felt like a dagger to my heart. I also accused him of being cold and selfish and having no consideration for me and my feelings. I also told him that him and the girl will not last and that he is going to miss me and want me back in his life. I couldn’t help myself. I knew sending him all these texts was the wrong thing to do but i felt compelled.
I received NO reply whatsoever to my texts….. until today! after i sent him yet another 2 texts. The last time we were together [around 2 weeks ago] he was telling me that he would like to be having sex with me long into the distant future [even around 10 or 20 years from now]. I did not say anything at the time, but today his words crossed my mind and i became angry. Since he has made it clear in no uncertain terms that we will never be a proper couple, I felt that he was assuming i was going to be dumb enough to continue being his secret side-shag for the next 20 years of my life.
So my 2 texts this morning addressed this issue and i told him that he was absolutely crazy and he would never get me to waste my life, fulfilling his pathetic pipe dream as his bit on the side [whilst he gets on with is life, building a proper life with another woman], and if he was going to be sleeping with me 10 or 20 years from now, it would be because we were HUSBAND AND WIFE, not as a side shag!
As soon as the texts were delivered, he immediately called me, but i did not answer. He then left a voicemail message on my mobile telling me that my all texts are now pissing him off and we need to go our separate ways. I replied, cursing and swearing at him, telling him i’m glad i finally pushed him over the edge. I also told him to leave me the f**k alone now from now on.
Needless to say, he never replied to that one!
I have his girlfriends phone number and for a hot second i felt like calling her an telling her all about me and him. I even dialled her number but there was no reply. Now, i have thought against contacting her as i know it’s not going to bring me any satisfaction.
I hate myself right now, for being such an idiot to let a man treat me so badly for the last 22 months. This is not my pattern at all!! I still don’t understand how this man got to get away with murder. I am usually a woman of high self esteem, high expectations and firm boundaries. I know it sounds hard to believe but i am actually used to good treatment from guys!
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME????????????
When i used to tell my friends about me and him, they’d look at me like i am MAD to stay with him. I started to feel judged so i stopped talking to them about us.
I really do hope i will be able to forgive myself, as i feel so ashamed to have allowed such blatant liberties to take place.
But now that I FINALLY got a reaction from him after all those texts, i feel like i can start to heal and move on now. [yes i know that sounds pathetic as i should not have to wait for him to tell me to leave him alone before i decide it’s over].
Day 1 of “No Contact†starts tomorrow.
Wish me luck girls! I am about to go cold turkey. I feel it’ll be successful though because i have now angered him so i dont think he’ll be contacting me now anyway. And i am now too embarrassed to dare contact him again.
On the other hand, we have gone through worse incidents in the past and we still got back together so i really don’t know for sure whether or not he’ll try contacting me again in future.
If that time does roll around, i really do hope i will have the strength to tell him to go to hell.
yikes, I had a similar situation.
I had to lol at “turning psycho” and I hope you are doing well at this time. It has been a few months since you posted this.
I’ve just come across the website and I’m in desparate need of some help…
I met someone about a month and a half ago on match.com. Things were wonderful at the beginning. We connected and we were physically attracted. He was very attentive, he would call and text all day long. The first 2 weeks of dating we saw each other 4 times during week one and I hung out a few times at his place…then his feelings just shifted overnight. He was distant, not as attentive, and wasn’t making any plans to see me in person even though we were still talking daily. After 2 weeks of this I put my own personal boundaries on this and said that his behavior wasn’t acceptable. (My former ex was an AC, so I already have experience dealing with this). He finally called me up about 2 weeks ago and told me he couldn’t handle a relationship right now and in the meantime his match profile has been taken down. Since it was such a short lived relationship, we agreed to try and stay friends, per his suggestion. Since this has happened he has texted several times and called once but has cooled off the last few days and been MIA. I have a feeling there is another woman..
Can someone help me decipher his behavior?
burned and sweetie,
You want to get to the point where you can sincerely say…Who cares why they do what they do, or if they do or do not have someone else.
If you have been clear about what you want, if you have engaged in meaningful dialogue with them to explain your wants in the relationship, if they can not or will not give you what you want..there is no point in continuing.
In fact there often is a very real danger in continuing, namely the soul sucking emotional damage from the hot/ cold, wishy washy, and other arseclown behaviors we accept from them.
No Contact is a great great thing. Initially, you may not think you could or should do it but if you stick with no contact you will gain a lot of insight. If you have not read NML’s posts about NC, go look for them.
There is so much good info here and if you have a pattern of these relationships, just download the Fallback Girl book. And I’d advise you to lay off the blame, its fine to ask ” how did I ever do this ?”, but life is a journey into self discovery and sometimes we make mistakes.
Mistakes are OK, as they often are the best, though hardest, way to learn important lessons.
Thanks aphro
I think I’m especially struggling with this guy because this is the second time I’ve had an AC within the last 3 yrs…I need to figure out how to be smarter at the beginning of dating for both of these men started off strong and then slowly tapered off within weeks to then totally letting me go -i hung around the old AC for a year and I’m smart enough to engage in NC with the current guy… I’m just sad this is what I’m attracting
@ burned78,
NML has noted several times – guys that text a lot are often problem cases. If they are satisfied with an electronic relationship, then you won’t have much luck with them in real life.
Almost the same story goes for meeting people on line – the odds are someone online is looking for a sex adventure, not a life mate to share the rest of their life with. Guys that come on strong – are likely looking for a bed partner, and are also likely to be highly skilled, and unlikely to want off their perpetual dating routine.
What is left? Character, substance, respect, someone more active in their family and community, and has pretty much given up on the clubs and single spots. Meeting guys of character will be tougher, you may need to get them interested in a relationship at all, and they may be more interested in respect and trust than a hot appearance.
Make friends with some solid, good people, married women – people that can tell the riffraff right off, and will likely want to see you paired up. Be active in your community. Make friendships based on respect and trust. Avoid those out for a good time – they act as “good people” repellent. Make good friends that will introduce you to good people.
In short, if you have chosen poorly a couple of times, you probably need to change what you are looking for, and how you are looking. If you are settling for guys that don’t settle down to be “The One” you may need to look at your self esteem, to find out why you are willing to consider someone unsuitable. And the Fallback Girl book explores the dangers of betting on him improving or becoming better. Shoes don’t stretch, and men don’t change.
Any one that will tell you they don’t want a relationship, that may be the truest words you ever hear from them. These are fundamental deal-breakers. You cannot stay and still respect them. If you disregard their words, you call him a liar – and acknowledge that you are choosing to be with a liar or with someone in it for the thrills, for now. Thank him and move on, when you get the “I need space/time”, “I am getting over X” whatever X is. Tell you you can respect that, and don’t call again.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..ps: Boundaries – keep kids, romance safe. =-.
Thanks brad
The funny thing about this particular guy is he actually “called” quite a bit …the text messaging was just a recent thing after the break up. He did call me once post break-up and I hung up after 4 min cause I really had nothing to say, I brushed him off and acted totally happy in my own life. Hopefully I gave him the message that I don’t want to be “friends” with him. I told him the story about my former AC and said I will never put up with a man like that again in my life. He might be genuinely trying to be my friend but I don’t buy it..what guy JUST wants to be friends after dating and intimacy? One thing he hasn’t done since the break-up is flirt or insinuate hooking up with me…and now the last week he has not contacted me at all…
Maybe he’s not an AC after all…I’m not really sure
Brad,
I have no one to talk to about the pain i am feeling and the shame i am feeling . I have had no contact with my neighbor for two months. I closed my curtains at night so I could not see his car and told my self he was cruel and uncaring and to let him go. Well one day I saw him in the yard about 3 weeks ago. So i made a big mistake I e mailed him and asked if he would take my garbage to the dump.So the cycle started again. I go to his house for sex and he came to mine. As usual he took me no where just sex. Last Monday I got a phone call and my x boyfriend of seven years who was a abusive drug addict and alcholic took a massive hear attack and died. I have not seen him for a year and when he left he called me such awful names and said horrible things and then was gone. I did learn to forgive him and tried many times to make peace with him and he would never answer the phone. When I heard he had died i was struck down with such sorrow i could hardly breath. I went over to see Charles to tell him and have him comfort me. I needed it badly someone to talk to.He was sitting on his recliner and I was on the couch crying . He showed no compassion and matter of fact started to change the channells on his tv and gave me no support. That is when I asked him what he thought of me. He looked right at me and said you are nothing to me. I feel nothing for you. I got up and walked out. It was a long week and they had joes wake Thursday. I said my good bys and came home. The next day charles calls to see how I am doing. I asked him why he was calling and he said he was worried about me and wanted to know if i was ok. So this friday night I called him and asked him if he wanted company and knowing how terrible he is i went over to his house and of cours same old same old. He held me in his arms til 5 in the morning. Sat he came over to my house and I was in the back yard sun tanning and he started rubbing oil on me and the same old same old happend. He also said he found my earing in his couch and I said put on the tabel. He leaves
and sunday i looked at the earing it was not mine. So last night i called him to tell him it was not mine and he was nasty to me and said not to call him and hung up. I called him back and asked what the problem was and he told me he had company and never to call again. Of course I get dressed and go over to his house and knock on his door and he comes out screaming. You are nothing but a whore. In my house i have a good women and i care for her. He said i was nothing but a cheap whore and to leave him and his good women alone and never to come on his property again. Brad i have read every book i can read. i have read so many books i can write my own on this subject. why can i not practice what i preach. am i so fractured that my life will never change. I can not go to counciling no insurance and my job will be closing soon. iIlive in nc in the country and their are no support groups. I can not move i have no place to go. you know I tried to cry over this and I can not. I feel like i am empty. Why would someone get pleasure out of hurting someone.I read an article on why some people do this it is called contemptous delight. I have never met a sociopath until now. can you help me with your wise words
jackie
Jackie,
You have a bit of comfort in your life, those few moments in his arms. And although the rest of the time the bozo is twisted, abusive, and manipulative, you dearly want those precious moments to be true, that you have comfort in your life.
So far, this is normal and expected human behavior. We treasure closeness, and the familiar. We fight to hang on, to grow our lives and our families. This is the reward for affection and love, the treasure that preserves a relationship.
But you are unwilling to face what you know to be true, and are unwilling to do what you know you must.
I don’t know your bozo. He might be intentionally misusing you, or he might be an amoral and opportunistic bastard that is willing to take what you are offering while it doesn’t cost him any time or effort, at his convenience.
You have been using him for sex. While he was available, he didn’t mind. But you didn’t pick him to be a mate, you never established a long term relationship. You knew, for dead certain sure, that this was a man unsuited to being a responsible person, he has no character, he has no redeeming social value, outside those moments in your arms. This has been a sex adventure. Adventures skirt danger, give one a thrill, and end.
Even though you want to see the moments with him in your arms as the truth, and want to expand that (or maybe just leave things loose and “free” for your own convenience), the truth is that convenience is all there is for you and him. At least, it was convenient for him until you wanted respect and caring and the attention you normally only expect from a mate. But you don’t have a mated relationship, and apparently neither of you really wants one. And you *do* want something casual, or you would be looking at guys free to form a bond.
In one sense you are being unreasonable. You use him for sex, then confuse what you have with a relationship. You are not even according him the respect of “Friends with Benefits”, when you use the intimacy you shared as a lever to make him answer to your calls and questions.
The choice seems to be between an ephemeral sex adventure and a life-mated, shared life. It seems to be one or the other, and only the shared life with a responsible mate of character, a family, is really stable.
I am sad that your xbf passed away, and that you felt there were still unresolved things between you. That is one reason to avoid harsh words, too often life intervenes and we cannot undo the harm we cause.
Stick to written, snail-mailed communications. I would seriously consider canceling any service for text messaging. Reserve emails for technical questions unrelated to real life. Never seal or mail a letter until at least the day after you write it.
I found an article on web design, http://vietphotoshop.wordpress.com/2009/09/07/how-to-be-a-samurai-designer/, that relates a book on Samurai warriors to life and craft. Like most self-consistent approaches, the Hagakure has something that I think applies here – “Treat great matters gently”. On the important things, consider what you know, and what your options are on your own time, away from contact or conflict. Know what you know, what your goals are, and understand all aspects of what you want. Then, when you come in contact, base your actions on what you have since considered, make quick choices and act decisively on what you have determined to be a way to achieve what you wish.
“Make decisions quickly” – never take more than seven breaths to make a decision, and act on it. Because you have considered the matter before making the decision, you will not doubt a decision. New information might change your choice, but until you get new information, you trust yourself, respect yourself, and accept the results of your choice.
There is more in the article, and in the Samurai book and philosophy. And it really does pertain to life and relationships, about choosing goals and acting.
Jackie, the Tarot teaches about change. When change happens, some things are lost in making room for the new. “Each journey ends, and a new journey goes forth.” Sometimes we can take our treasures with us on that next journey, other times we have to start over. “When a door is closed to us, a window is opened” – we don’t get to try that new opportunity, that newly opened windows, until that door gets slammed on us.
Growth – change – is measured in pain and discomfort. I might have mentioned that before.
There are lots of ways of describing that wall you face, the one that blocks out the sun, blocks out hope, blocks out any assurance that life could be better. But it always comes back to – that wall stands between you and yesterday. Turn around, accept what is, and choose to walk away. Chasing comfort in a man’s arms without the security and serenity of a home and a true life mate isn’t working. If you want more than a few minutes of comfort at a time, then you have to secure the relationship first. Then you can devote all your heart and energy within that relationship to gift, to expand, and to grow the joy of a home and family.
Shame is not a natural feeling. Shame is always something taught by a culture to define and enforce rules. Different cultures define embarrassment and shame differently. In the US there are many that decry seeing a naked body; others happily pursue personal and family body acceptance – social recreational nudity – family oriented, non-sexual, organized recreation.
You speak of shame, but not what you are ashamed about. Is it sex outside marriage? Is it knowing that he isn’t a suitable mate, you you look to him for some part of the role of a mate? Is it looking foolish for choosing to live without him in your life, yet again sharing sex with this flighty bimboid? Are you ashamed, mortified, and horrified that you *gasp* have trash that needed to go to the dump?
Well, next time call your regular trash company, and ask for their advice in getting that trash hauled away. There is no reason to let finding yourself with trash to discard be an emotional issue. People have trash quite often, and many times they manage to get the trash disposed of without suffering shame and humiliation. Often, if you don’t call it trash, you can even list it on CraigsList or FreeCycle.
Ever hear the make-believe prayer, “Lord, please grant me patience, and I want it *right now*!”? We develop patience, and concentration, and discipline by trying again. And again. And again. Note that you seldom try again if it worked the first time. Because we keep trying, we keep looking at the choices we make and try again, we find ourselves getting used to finishing what we start. Sticking to our resolve. Because we expect to try again, and keep trying, we get into the habit of expecting to see our choices through.
Whether your neighbor does what he does because he is evil, because he is immature, whether he is emotionally damaged or emotionally incompetent – doesn’t matter. What matters in your life is whether you choose the people you will trust and depend on, or allow others to make those choices for you. What matters is whether you set boundaries, and use those boundaries to improve yourself and your community. What matters is learning to like and love yourself, learning to protect what is precious to you, learning that you must pick and choose how and when to share joy in life. What matters it that you learn yourself and your needs, so that in daily life the choices are obvious, clear, and simple to see, and what you need to do about them is also clear and as courteous as you can be.
Again, a journal, a *very* private notebook can be essential in discovering who you are, what you need, who and what you respect, and what you have made part of your life that you don’t respect or trust. Write daily, at least. Perhaps select the two or three most important thoughts to list, and maybe describe. Those two or three things should be the biggest of the many, and may start out to be hurts and sorrows – but should, over time, become goals and dreams and desires, and people you admire for their character and events that you find joy and pride in how you participate. Ultimately, a counselor guides you to explore these same values. Check with your library, and see if there aren’t some self discovery resources available.
Luck.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..g: Image of self esteem =-.
Brad,
Thanks again for the advice. My heart is heavy. I wish God would give me the wisdom I need to bring peace to my life.
I’m really thankful for this blog because it helps so much to know that I am not alone. I was seeing the same guy on and off for 2 years and truly felt like he was the most wonderful person ever. Early in the relationship he told me he was not ready to be in a relationship again (his previous one having been over for around 6-7 months or so). He’s a writer (not his day job) and would say stuff like he never had time to focus on his writing when he was with his ex. Then a few months later he broke things off with me because he felt we were getting too close and should just be friends. Eventually he came back and I let him and it was back to things as usual. We’d spend lots of time together, had lots of fun and were really each other’s best friend. He was pretty much there when I needed him.
But then the relationship issue would come up again because of course, I only wanted to be with him and wanted us to be exclusive. He’d say stuff like he didn’t see me in a romantic way or I wasn’t someone he thought of having a relationship with or I’d get the “I’m just not ready now” response. I challenged him on his feelings and when he didn’t say what I wanted to hear I cut things off. We stopped seeing each other again for almost a year. I didn’t even talk to him for a while. But like a fool I let him back in again. The problem is I wouldn’t never cut off contact completely for long enough and we’d continue our “friendship”. The thing is, I truly considered him a friend, regardless of what happened to us romantically. He just seemed like someone who I could always count on and we had such a strong bond.
Fast-forward to this summer, at which point we’d been seeing each other again for about 3 1/2 months. For my birthday in May he went above and beyond what he’d normally do. I saw him more that week than I normally would. He just kept doing and doing. I really felt we had made some real progress. When he’s HOT he’s hot. But then by end of June he was back to cold. And when I asked for more of his time, I got him asking what my expectations were. Pretty soon we agreed to stop sleeping together and just focus on our friendship. He stressed to me that he really was not ready for a relationship with anybody, that he had so much going on with his writing, his job, his brother (who was staying with him) and his sick grandmother who was in and out of the hospital (out of state). I truly believed that he just couldn’t deal with anymore right now. Then come to find out on his Facebook page a couple weeks ago that his status says “In a relationship”. Imagine my surprise. He tried to downplay the relationship with this girl he’s been talking to on and off for a year. I was hurt obviously because less than a month before he gave me the “not ready” speech and *poof* now he is? And with someone else? And then because I did truly consider him one of my closest friend’s, it hurt that he didn’t even just tell me and let me find out on FB.
I don’t know for sure but I think this girl is younger than me and perhaps not doing as much as me career wise. He’s always seemed a bit intimidated by my career because as I’ve moved up he asks me less and less about my job while everyone else is excited for me. He’s very much the type that likes to be the man running things, that type of guy. I wonder if that has something to do with it.
Anyway, that’s the long short version of the story. I could use any helpful tips on moving on. I’ve tried so many times before and always get sucked back in. This time he’s got a girlfriend and it hurts like hell. I have started dating again just to not be defeated and keep putting myself out there. I haven’t gone into a hole as I’ve done in the past and I’m out living my life. But when I’m alone or not busy the pain is still great. When does it get easier? And what are the best things to do to move on and stop obsessing on why he picked someone else instead of me?
First off, thank you NML for your site and your pinpoint observations and advice! I’ve been lurking for a few months, bought your book, and at this point am almost able to walk upright with the self-respecting non-fallback girls, lol.
I’d LOVE to see more posts on this topic, namely how the AC/EUM is so able not only to move on to another pigeon so rapidly with NO regard for your feelings and despite all the intimacies and vulnerabilities you shared, but usually goes on (in my case anyway) to flaunt the new relationships and rub the fallback girl’s face in it…then goes on to fast track the whole thing to cohabitation and engagement. It’s like playing a losing slot machine all day to walk away and the very next person comes along and wins the jackpot!
You’ve addressed the issue in this blog of course, but if you could follow it up with sequels to reinforce the idea or show additional perspective into this phenomenon, many of us would be able to make sense out of the nonsense.
Lindsay Bluth…out of my own experience, I know EUM and assclowns usually are men who put women into categories, like bitches and holy madonnas, something like that. You will never ever get this, why you didn’t fit in their limited mind into holy madonna category and the other one did.
The one thing is, who are them to judge, and the next one thing is (back focus on ourselves) do we want a man, that has such an imagination of women in generell? Like this person is someone to merry, I treat her with respect and the other one is a bitch, I can use her as I want to?
It’s just my opinion, I know at least that my EUM devides women into that categories and I had an Ex, that is now a terrible player, but i was and still am his holy madonna. Although he treats me with respect and tells me everything about, how assclowns thinks and how much I must take care, I only have to shake my head about, how he is treating other women, and that is caused by somehow a limited chauvinistic mind….
xxxjen
Thanks very much for this post. I was with an EUM for two years, and it was very on and off, very tumultuous, with me trying to walk away several times because something didn’t seem right – his habit of giving me the silent treatment, the bouts of lashing out at me and telling me to shut up, f*ck off, the accusations about how I was at fault for what went wrong because I was oversensitive and lacked trust and faith in him – but then always returning. I found out earlier this month that he was carrying on an emotional affair with someone else when I saw an email exchange with her (this after a month ago, I also saw texts of him meeting up – and lying about – meeting some other girl for a drink he met at a music gig… which ensued another fight, and me buying into the illusion that I was blowing everything out of proportion). This other woman is (or was now?) in a relationship with another guy, for almost 8 years. After I found out, I tried to break it off, then felt completely rejected, and then begged him to try to make our relationship work, with a month of my constant emails/ phone calls/ texts, just to get answers, just to understand why this had happened. And now he told me he wanted a month break to sleep with whoever he wanted, to see whether he wanted try again with me or not. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to commit to me or have children with me (he doesn’t have time to determine if this relationship will ‘work’ or is right whereas I, being 18 years younger than him, have time to ‘work’ on relationships) and this other person may be the right person for him. His words, not mine. I blamed myself, and still feel the sting of him pursuing someone else, while he was in a relationship with me, of slipping into another relationship with another person so quickly after he told me I meant to much to him. He said that she ‘put some doubt’ as to whether he was happy with me. He was a classic EUM – 46 years old, string of girlfriends (longest was 5 years, was what he called ‘successful’ where he had an affair on her). I think he also was with someone else when he started pursuing me.
It is a classic case of him pursuing others that don’t require commitment – she being in a relationship (or maybe just exiting one), and him just getting out of one. He pursued me while I was married when my ex-husband and I were going separate ways. Not wise on my part. During that time he never expected anything, never demanded any commitment. And I understand why – because it must have been convenient.
But this article and others on the website have been so encouraging and helpful. I want to get to the point where I no longer care whether or not he sticks with this other woman or gives her something that he didn’t give to me. It is as the post said – he is living – even if it is his half-life – and it is time I live fully for myself.
Amen to you last paragraph, Mel!
I am so happy to have found this site! I have been reading everyone’s posts and have decided to write my own. I was in an on again off again relationship with an EUM. He has done so many bad things to me, has told me to my face he doesn’t love me, but then led me to believe that he was being a jerk and is so sorry. I’ve dealt with his ex trying to ruin the relationship in the early stages and him being “confused.” I begged him to make things work..trying to prove to him that I am the better candidate. Although I droped him for about 2 months, he came slinking back…we got back together until recently he asked if he talked to other people would I still be around. I was shocked, upset…this happened one week ago. I know he is messing around with another woman right now and the thoughts are unbearable. I said how can you love me then ask me if you could talk to someone else as well. He goes “Idk,..it just happened!” I wonder who this new woman is…he told me she has “interesting qualities” and could be a “prospect.” It just really hurts when you do so much for a person and in the end they drop you so fast..
Moving Forward,
RUN Forward from this one!!!!
Remember, the words are very easy, I think he has proven through his actions he is a horrible candidate as a partner. “It just happened!” What the hell is that???????
Wishing you the best.
This is all well and good, but what happens when you’ve been with someone for years and he ends it. How do you go on seeing the same friends etc. That is the part I’m having difficulty dealing with..being in the same room as him, as him and her.
I dread this day. The day that he becomes two again. I had six years with him, mostly fixing him, but also loving him and trying to look past the faults that were presented. The end with an engagement that he lied about and a year and a half of abuse. I would never have coped that earlier on, but did in the end. We had forged a life like everyone else, lived together, bought a home and hid his bad behaviour. I thought I could fix him, I’m good at this you see as I have been doing it most of life. But it became more frequent and the love in the end just didn’t matter. I had lost me and of course had lost him long before. It has been 20 months since he went and everything sold with nothing to show for what was. I still wonder why? why did I fall for this love and behaviour and still have this grief. I see a professional about it but don’t seem to get very far. That is my story.
Hi NML,
I just started reading your website about 2 wks ago, you have opened my eyes and answered all the questions that were on my mind for the past 10yrs or so… Through reading all this i realised i am you Fallback girl. I have been trying really hard to focus on myself this yr. Normally i’m the type of girl who gets into relationships, get treated bad, stay way too long in it, then decide to end it eventually. But the only way i have been able to get rid of my Mr. Unavailables is by replacing them with a new D-BAGS. I’ve always been emotionally attached to someone. So before i got the courage to end this past relationship, i had decided for one yr i’m gonna try to not be in a relationship and learn to be single, love myself, build my self esteem and really learn me and why i keep getting myself into these relationships with major Ass Clowns!!
it’s been 4 wks since things ended with my Mr Unavailable. So far i’ve been doing good until yesterday when i decided i’m gonna snoop into his Facebook account… thats when i found out that he had moved on to the next one. That was really really hard for me to see. I have all this information, i know he’s not the right person for me and i know i wanna fall out of love with him but i was still deeply affected and hurt by it.
He has confused me, used me, manipulated and lied to me over and over again but yet i’m still sitting here hurt and not able to sleep and eat… A part of me is really mad that i allowed that kinda person into my life. I’m mad at myself for still having feelings but i cant seem to shake him off… Why?? i need to be over him and i dont wanna be in love with him but i cant shake him off. Help!!!
@Genavive and others here doing a little creepin’ on Facebook,
(or what i like to call CrackBook or BragBook)
Let me be clear….um…. DELETE HIM! If you still have him on your Friends list you are obviously not staying true to yourself and/or following the no contact rule. You may as well shut off your computer drive to his house, park in his driveway and watch his every move through binoculars. Facebook will KILL your progression!
You should have him BLOCKED by now which means, no tagged pics are visible, no changes to his profile picture will make your stomach turn and no comments on any mutual friends photos or walls …..
and God forbid you happen to see “(Enter toxic name here) is now in a relationship” EEK!!
Hasn’t he hurt you enough?
It’s for your own good, do it!
a quote that i recently read and loved…
“Life is like riding a bicycle… you gotta keep moving to gain balance”
This one bugs me, too. My ex-AC has been in a new relationship for almost a year now. He and I are no longer friends, but it bothers me that he was so emotionally unavailable, blew hot and cold, etc. There were so many red flags in our relationship, I know he was not/is not good for me.
So why is he good for her? Why is he still with her? I don’t want him back, but it seems so unfair that he could treat me so coldly, and not even care about my feelings. He said all his previous girlfriends broke up with him because of his behavior, so why is this one staying? He was with her within a month of our relationship ending, so there could not have possibly been time for change/growth.
I just can’t seem to get past the feeling of being treated unjustly. I feel so hurt and betrayed, and he is just going about his life, as if he didn’t have a care in the world.
It’s not fair that an AC gets to be such a jerk to one (or more) woman, and still get validated by another one. I really didn’t expect his new relationship to last this long, and it’s messing with my head that people who behave badly get rewarded.
well..who knows what either of their motives are and I know it will take some time for the reality of that to sink in. Maybe she was convenient, maybe he’s leeching money of her, maybe she’ll do till something better comes along.
Listen, people have all sorts of motives. I overheard one guy chatting to his friend that he was going to stay with his girl probably for the next 6months because even though they weren’t getting along so good, they’d just signed a 6month lease and he couldn’t afford a place of his own.
Not everything that looks rosey from the outside is so good once you scratch the surface.
How about spinning things a different way? He did you a favour, maybe he liked you enough not to get involved and treat you as bad as all the rest? That’s a more positive spin rather than thinking the guy is scumbag.
Our thoughts are what we make them.
Hello Natalie! I am in a break up and am just miserable…I have read all these posts and I wish I had the strength to adhere to NC. I am being tortured by my Mr. Unavailable (MU). I am hoping to get help from others who have maybe been in a similar situation. My MU and I have known each other since we were 4 and 2, respectively. We grew up in the same neighborhood, our mothers were life-long friends and he and my brother were also very close. MU was my 1st crush and my 1st love. We moved to a different neighborhood when I was in 5th grade. Years past and his mother later moved right down the street from us again. He was back! We were in our late teens at this point and we shared our 1st kiss after we got over the initial “weirdness”. It was fantastic; everything I had imagined it would be and better.
We had a great time together yet kept it a secret so we didn’t involve the families. They may not approve of us seeing each other. At this point we were now in our late teens. As young people do, we went on to see other people but we always loved each other. He got into music and played in a band touring the U.S. I got into a long term relationship (12 yrs) even though I always thought about MU. He was always in the back of my mind. During this time my mother and I attended his wedding (his wife to be was 6 mos. pregnant!) He later told me that was the only reason they got married.
In 2008 MU left his wife and I broke it off with my at the time boyfriend. My ex and I were in a “just friends” kind of relationship. I thought everything was now the way it was always meant to be since we were together. We were so happy in love.
After a period of bliss, bad things began happening. In the past few years our relationship had been slammed with tremendous challenges but this is life, right? It started with me getting laid off from my job then he did as well. My grandmother died (we both witnessed her last breath). Shortly after that my sweet mother became terminally sick. I had to stop the job I was then working to care for my mom. It was very heartbreaking. We moved from my apartment into my mother’s home and my brother lived with my mom in my grandmother’s old home. The whole time we were struggling financially as many couples have been. He had sporadic work and wasn’t really able to contribute like he wanted. I had essentially been taking care of him. During this whole time his 2 daughters came to see us every other weekend. I made sure they had everything they needed when they were with us. My mother passed away in January of this year. I had started to work again but got laid off again in June. He had actually talked to my brother in May about marrying me and we were talking about where we would have the ceremony. I thought things were only going to get better as we had already been through hell and back. And above all else we were best friends having known each other since we were children.
I found out in early July through text messages on his phone that he had been introduced to a woman that is 10 years older than me. She is very financially stable and has a life that is more structured than mine. I found out they spent a few days together at her home during the July 4th holiday while he told me he was helping a friend and visiting his kids. I was Blindsided by all of this.
Since this happened, he has moved out of my house about 45 minutes away. This is where I need help… He won’t leave me alone! The day after I found out all of this from his texts he went to stay with her for 4 days (she lives 2 hours away). While he was gone I was Miserable! I have never felt so much betrayal and pain in my entire life. He came back to get some things after those 4 days and the pain was lessened. Mind you, I have never been so vulnerable in my whole life than at this time. I feel as though I have lost everything. He asked me if he could stay the night but that he would have to use the phone upstairs. He played it like he was somewhere else talking to her! I don’t know why I allowed this- I just hurt so bad so I took him back with his stipulations. That night has been repeated 4 to 5 nights of the week for 3 weeks now. I can’t believe I have allowed this to continue. Please help me with advice!
I thought my MU was the one and how could he do this to me. How could he take advantage of me like this? Am I just allowing myself to be the back up if she can’t help him with whatever he thinks she can help him with. I feel like I need to let this woman know how he is playing us both so she will know the person he really is. I have loved my MU since I was a child so I am having trouble letting him go. I used to be his fiancée and now roles have reversed and I am the Other woman! Please help! Should I let this woman know so she is also being used? I need the strength to initiate and keep NC!
And it is killing me to know that I have been there for him all these years helping him through his rough times and then she will benefit from this “better man”. If you can call it that.
Why wasn’t I good enough? I suppose all the struggles we’ve had got to be too much for him so he just bailed and thinks he’ll move on to greener pastures. I guess better I know now than 20 years from now. I’m just having a hard time accepting what he’s done and why he keeps coming around me.
He says I love you and I want to spend time with you. Well than why did you leave me? He has also told me that if I contact this woman he will never speak to me again and no one in his family will either. I feel like I’ve already lost 2 daughters.
Do I just let it go? How can I though? I hate myself because I still love him. If you ever watched Sex in the City, he was always my Mr. Big. I am currently not working ( I am desperately seeking good employment), I have lost my mother this year, too and I just feel like I’m so alone. Being with him, I kind of isolated myself from other friends so feel more alone than ever.
I also have relapsing remitting MS, you wouldn’t necessarily know by looking at me but it scares me. Especially going out into the crazy dating world again!
I just can’t break free from him. Maybe the best thing is to tell the woman so he want ever call me anymore?
Thanks everyone for letting me vent. I welcome your advice 🙂
Rebecca
There is a strong element of fantasy here – crushing, first love, everything you imagined, not telling your parents, happy in love, bliss, best friends (despite his deeply unfriendly behaviour), loved him since you were a child. That’s youth (though it can affect any of us), hormones, fantasies. Sometimes it moves onto something worthwhile and lasting, mostly it doesn’t. the reality isn’t that you were in a wonderful romance (NO ONE IS). You get together, you see other people, he marries someone else, he leaves her, you take care of him and his kids, he dangles the marriage carrot but doesn’t followup, he cheats on you and cheats on his new girlfriend. Why weren’t you good enough? Let’s see his first wife “isn’t good enough”, you “aren’t good enough” and his new girlfriend “isn’t good enough”? Maybe HE isn’t good enough?
You may have been genuine friends when you were kids and your biggest responsibilities were barbie and a toy truck but in adult life he is simply not stepping up. He can’t even break up with you properly.
As for telling the OW or new girlfriend or whatever she is, I say don’t. I don’t think you can deal with any negative consequences. And who’s to say he won’t just spin her a line and she’ll buy it? After all, YOU know the truth and you’re still there. Look after no. 1.
Lots of women here have stories similar to yours and many say they are lonely, have no job, no friends, no family. My mission is to tell you that crappy relationships are like a shackle. They damage all areas of your life. The answer isn’t to cling to the crap, it’s to cut it loose. You probably won’t find a keeper straightaway but you’ll be able to grieve, refocus, regroup, grow. And that’s when you find him, if you so wish. And if you don’t, well, at least you’re not dragging a load of crap around.
And Mr Big?I thought he was a knob in a nice suit. It’s just a tv series/film but trust me on this, as I’m probably 20 years older than you, that marriage is not going to last. If it does, it will be because Carrie continues to pretzel herself into a whiny man-pleaser while Big chases younger women around the office.
Grace…Thank you for the reply. I greatly appreciate your words. When you’re in a situation like this it is rather difficult to think and act logically or with good sense. I know in my heart of hearts that I need to AVOID him at all costs. I suppose that is when I have to completely accept what is happening. And that is tough- today actually marks 1 month that I found those text messages on his phone. (Actually the phone that I bought and the phone that I pay the bill on as its in my name).
I am in the process of losing my home and dealing with a health issue that is exacerbated by stress so I have felt like I am in the process of losing just about everything. I lost my mom in June and since I was laid off in June, I don’t have 8 hours a day to preoccupy myself. I know that everything together has made me feel less than I really am. Everything just happens at once, right? I know that’s why I have taken him back in, I suppose I have been trying to hold on to at least 1 thing. But alas, I know that I have to let him go, too.
I told him that if he were anyone else and he did this to me he would not step foot back in my house and I would tell him to **** off. But since I had known him almost my whole life and he was not just some guy, I have been torturing myself. It is very painful indeed and hurts more knowing the woman he left me for is wealthy and has everything I don’t. If I didn’t know that maybe it would be easier? I feel beat down but I must stand up and reclaim myself. I know I am too good for him and I need to accept THAT!
I am going to do my best to kick him to the curb like trash. I know that I am better than how I’m letting him treat me. I must reclaim myself. I know this is going to be very painful but less painful than if I continue on this way…
Wish me luck and strength!
My story is the same and yet different. I have been seeing a guy for 7 years who I believed was single when I first started seeing him although apparently he wasn’t. We had been friends and then a year after my divorce we started to see each other. At first it suited us friends who went out and enjoyed good sex. Then just under two years ago he moved another woman intro his house and bought another house out of the city which they visit every weekend together. Up until then we used to meet up at his place all the time. I went from being what I believed was the woman to the other woman. His relationship with this woman is not sexual however she believes herself to be the only woman and has accepted the arrangement she does not know about me. We still see each other less frequently spend the night together go to dinner and the theatre. It’s been very difficult and hurtful because we live close to each other and I am often confronted by her or them together. I have sold my house as I do not like being in this position which has upset me and my children and am trying to relocate my life. Its very hard not to compare and ask why her and not me. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
But…. Who is to say that their new relationship will be a “happy” one??
I went through all this 14 years ago with my sons father.
He married my love rival, Cherie, after I finally dumped him, for messing me around for 3 years- cheating between both of us. Cheating on me when I was pregnant. I was left with no money or emotional support. They thought themselves superior and better than me because they both worked and had luxury… while I was single mom struggling in poverty.
Now 11 years on, I hear from my son that he is STILL cheating on Cherie, she discovered another affair!
But now shes had 3 kids to him and gained 45lbs, lost her figure and her youth.
I have since settled down with an amazing man, a successful CEO, hes great husband (4 years together) and loyal lover… My best friend. There are some good men out there… Keep looking.
And my arrogant ex has gone bankrupt, but I keep my laughter to myself. Yes I laugh a lot these days.
Read the “Rules” read “why men love bitches”
Dont settle for a player.